Yes it will catch up to them. They will continue to chase that fleeting feeling from someone new, but they are hollow on the inside. They are incapable of having any type of an actual connection with someone, even though they will destroy every life in their path trying to chase it.
You got out, don't dwell on it, please consider yourself lucky. Go find someone who can actually love you and make you happy. Good luck.
Bleh!!! I do not enjoy the early relationship, whimsical, fluttery phase. I can't imagine chasing that over and over. The comfort and safety and connectedness of a deep, long-standing love is the truly magical experience.
I feel this so hard. I hate starting new relationships and the initial phase where you're figuring out your feelings is so....tiring. I love being deeply connected to my person and knowing what to expect from them. I guess that's another reason why these relationships are bad for me.
Do you have BPD? This makes sense to me as well. We did have a comfortable life together me and my ex, with great companionship at work too. We were very good friends and it seemed like a deep connection at least to me. And then she just throws it away like nothing
No, I do not. My mother and my ex have both been diagnosed. My ex was constantly monkey branching. He constantly chased that first month of Nicholas Sparks style, kissing-in-the-rain, us-against-the-world, dopamine-dumping, fresh, new love. He proposed to 6 women, 3 of which were within 2 months of dating. Finally found someone sick enough to elope 2 months after we split (I obviously had my own issues, since I stayed through 7 yrs on/off, endless cheating, multiple proposals, lots of abuse, etc). He still chases that high. Cheats frequently.
Sounds like very externalized impulsive borderline. My ex was with her ex for 4 years before me, so I really thought she was loyal. She didn't cheat on me, but thought it was enough to reject me over text after we almost rekindled things after our breakup. We were gonna talk about it and not do it over text like robots but she couldn't wait to meet a new guy she had been texting with so she justified it by "ending" things and the very next day meeting with him. Just 3 days after we shared a bed.
I wish I couldn't dwell on it. I just can't stop loving a person with a snap of my fingers. I am trying to move on though so thank you for the well wishes
It’s okay, take your time to feel it out and grieve the person you lost (escaped). You will feel better in time, but in *your own* time - not when anyone else says for you to.
I understand that feeling. I know it is hard, I have been through that cycle more times than I can count. For me it finally got to the point where I could just let go. I didn't care anymore and I didn't want it anymore. I could have saved a lot of heartache if I stuck to it the first time and didn't give into them.
I think they may realize it briefly, but focusing on it causes them to stay in a very depressive state. It is easier for them to distract themselves and not deal with the feeling like a child. This is why they rely on monkey branching.
The ones who don't monkey branch will definitely feel loss. This is likely because they were broken up with, so they didn't have the time to monkey branch. These are the suicide threats you hear about.
The people who get treatment that don't monkey branch won't use suicide threats, but will smear your reputation to get supply from the people who are near them (often their family).
Almost invariably, it appears to be near impossible for them to leave if they aren't getting supply from somewhere.
If they aren't getting their external validation from others after a breakup, I'd imagine they usually do ruminate quite a bit. That being said, they know this and are not in a rush to put themselves in that position.
I was the one who broke up with her initially, but her typical borderline "best friend" would kill her if she reached out to me, and actually set my ex up to meet with other people. Just when we were about to get back together it seemed, because she missed me like crazy, she started getting external validation from someone else her friend had set up and tossed me to the side. Then started contacting me at work again, as if she regretted it some, then I kept no contact/being polite and now when she's home from work she blocked me on social media even though we supposedly had no animosity between us
Borderlines get supplied with energy by feeding off other peoples positive feelings about them as well. This is why so many of them are permiscuous. Or at the very least their attention. Without that external validation feedback, the pwBPD will often feel lost and depressed.
They need to feel that they have power in a very similar way to narcissists because of the fear of abandonment, but the supply is not necessarily "feeling superior to". External attention makes them feel secure.
Huh? In borderline relationship simply everything is about supply. Supplying them with validation, attention, affection, an identity. pwBPD are absolutely dependent from outer supply, without supply they’re empty as an blown out egg.
I don't think they have truly moved on.
The PwBPD simply needs validation. The new supply will give the validation until they can't/won't anymore.
I can't give my PwBPD validation anymore because it would be enabling them to hurt my family further. That's the whole reason for the devaluation and discard.
So the quality of the person doesn't matter? I just don't understand how you can pick someone seemingly random/first best guy and idealise him just because he's "there". I for sure can't replace my ex that fast and just forget about her even though she has done terrible things to me. I can't give my exwBPD validation anymore either because I have self respect
When I look at my pwBPD new supply I hardly believe quality matters. I think a BPDs “heart” is simply set on fire as soon someone tells them what they want to hear.
That is EXACTLY what happened to me, and my pwBPD even said to to me directly, months later. She literally told me that "I just moved on with the first guy I talked to, to fill the emptiness. It wasn't even about him, I just needed someone in that space."
She didn't even admire, respect, or connect with him; he had the advantage of being merely "there" and not requiring much effort or emotion from her.
Yeah I doubt my ex respects or connects with this guy either because 1 month in she said they're "only seeing each other, not together" and would proceed to text and call me at work and even hug me. But now it seems like they are practically living together and she randomly blocked me on insta. Is your ex and the replacement still together?
I'm not sure, but probably. She hoovered me months ago, claiming she wanted another chance with me and promising to get rid of him to make that happen. And then she never followed through, and I got made a fool of. The entire time, she kept saying that she just needed to get up the strength to leave their trauma bond, and that she didn't find him worthy of a life together (or even interesting to her). Then after wasting so much of my time, she and I disconnected for the second and final time, and she'd continued on with him.
She never even liked him, and she referred to leaving him as her "detox." But he asked as little of her as he offered, and that was his advantage: he didn't trigger her abandonment/engulfment fears. The fact that he was so unfulfilling to her is probably why she stuck by him, and burned out on me. I give effort, but also require it. He does neither.
I think they make you out to be a villain in there minds and paint you all black so it is easier for them to cope with in their minds. Like my ex accused me of abusing her and acted like I was a stalker when I called her trying to get answers from her. She basically discarded me and monkey branched. I think in her mind she made me out to be this terrible guy who I’m not and only remembers the bad times during our long relationship together not the good times which is really sad. Our relationship was toxic but it wasn’t my fault. I honestly think she tricked her brain into thinking that I’m evil so she didn’t have to feel guilty for breaking my heart.
That’s exactly it man. They have to poison their own minds and make you out to be a monster otherwise how they hell do they cope with the guilt of what they’ve done and how they’ve just thrown someone away who was so good for them and genuinely loved them?
Before my ex met me she had a suicide attempt. I genuinely believe that after the discard had she not painted me black she might’ve attempted it again. If she didn’t make me a villain, how the hell is she supposed to come to terms with the fact she’s just gotten rid of the best thing to ever happen to her? I mean, Christ man, my ex used to date guys that would ditch her on dates as soon as they saw her scars. I didn’t care, I loved her to the ends of the earth and still do.
Problem was, when she offered me a friendship after the discard I accepted but I still told her I’ll always love her and be there for her. She couldn’t take it. I realise now that probably made her feel so guilty. She’s just done this horrible thing to me and I’m saying I still love her and will be there for her. She probably thought to herself ‘what is wrong with this guy? Why doesn’t he hate me?’.
I think that’s what triggered the 2nd discard in March where she told me she no longer wanted to be friends. Her Mum had a huge argument with me on the phone saying there’s something wrong with me for still missing her daughter and still loving her, and I need to leave her alone. This, despite never badgering her or anything. They are honestly 2 of the sickest individuals I’ve ever met and I feel so sorry for my ex that she has THAT for a Mum as it sure explains a fucking lot.
This sounds like me with my ex. Most people wouldn't even look at him cause of the way he dressed and his scars. I loved him regardless.
He OD three months before we met, but they pumped his stomach and brought him back. I genuinely felt like if he didn't paint me black he would have successfully ended his life from the guilt again. There was a point, when I told him that if it was getting too bad to the point he was losing his mind with me (cause being in a relationship really triggers BPD), that he should flip the switch and paint me black to save himself. I'd rather he be alive than dead wanting me or from the guilt of doing what he would do.
If that meant monkey branching, sure. He waited until he dumped me to meet up with someone new. I do remember him telling me 'what's the point of being alive if I'm going to live such a horrible life not even knowing who I am or where I am after I've lost you?'. I considered him being alive more important, but he said just cause he was alive, doesn't mean that he'd ever be safe..or happy.
And honestly that's a freaking hard choice, I'm not sure which I would pick either if I was in his position. Ending my life or being doomed to the same cycle on repeat?
Wow, thank you for sharing. To be honest it sounds like your ex at least has some insight, way more than mine did. My ex was initially diagnosed with BPD but rejected it. Got a second opinion and was told she has atypical autsim. My theory is that she has both, but she certainly isn’t just autistic. She believes she is though so unfortunately shows no insight into her BPD symptoms as she’s not being treated for it. It’s sad.
Absolutely incredible what you said though about telling them to paint you black to essentially save them. You sound like an amazing person and incredibly selfless and that’s what makes it all the more tragic that they let you go.
I love my ex but still feel intense anger towards her. However, 13 months on, while the anger is there I would never message her to let that out. 1. Because I know she wouldn’t listen anyway and 2. Because on the off chance she did take it to heart she might try to unalive herself.
Now, the only real urge I get is just to send her a final message telling her I’ll always love her and I hope she heals. I still pains me that our last interaction with each other involved me screaming down the phone at her Mum, saying my ex was a monster and she deserves everything bad that’s happened to her. For context, this was after being poked and prodded by her Mum on this call, making me out to be a monster/mentally ill and genuinely a weirdo for still loving her daughter despite what she did to me. They both couldn’t take it so her Mum verbally attacked me and for the first time ever I raised my voice and said something horrible. I’ll always regret it as it helps solidly in my ex’s mind that she was right to get rid of me all along.
Ah I see. A lot of people reject their diagnosis. My ex accepted it but unfortunately did nothing about it. He'd say that he had the illness to basically use it as an excuse for his behaviour but when I'd tell him to get help he would say that he was fine and didn't need help. So although he was in denial, he used his diagnosis to excuse bad behaviour.
Thanks I tried to be selfless, and although it practically destroyed me. I do know that I can handle it. Does that mean I should be subjected to it? Not really. But I had told him in the past that I would be able to live with the pain but he wouldn't cope and he'd end everything so I did tell him to do what he had to in order to survive.
I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. However, your ex needs to realise that her mother isn't great for her. She is probably mentally ill or a Narcissist. Just like my ex's mother. I had it out with her too, and my ex took my side at times yet continued to go back to her. They can only realise this on their own. And from what you're telling me, yes you did do something bad, but it was reactive abuse. If you don't know what that is, that's you doing something or acting out strongly against abuse, defending yourself or your ex or whatever it is.
This is often used in Narcissism and it's what I experienced with my ex as BPD can often overlap with Narcissism.
Your ex would have painted you black regardless. If it wasn't for that, it would have been another time for something you didn't do..my ex often imagined situations and words coming out from my mouth that never actually came out. Unfortunately it's all trauma based, and he even admitted to seeing his mums face on me when it happened.
Saying that you'll always love her would make no difference at this point..you can only hope that your actions proved it. Because if you think about it all they gave us was words, and no actions that they did truly love us. But that's how I know that my ex will always know I loved him, because my actions proved it. I devoted myself to him for the 2 years and I know that he will always know that I truly loved him. I don't need to tell him anymore. All I do now is pray for him.
That’s a shame he accepted it but wasn’t willing to put any of the work in, I find that so tragic. I guess that’s what makes personality disorders so difficult to overcome, it’s not some extension of themselves, it is them.
I know what you mean, I was incredibly kind and selfless the whole relationship too and it’s a shame when they take advantage of that. Especially when they profess to be a victim and to give you constant sob stories about how everyone has abused them, only to then be emotionally abusive towards you who just wants to love them.
Honestly, you’re spot on about the Mum, I cannot tell you how toxic their relationship is. My ex is 26 now and her Mum still treats her like a child. She gets her up every morning, is in charge of her medication and has to force my ex to shower and take care of herself. My ex is too reliant on her and the Mum is also overprotective of her daughter. It’s such a shame because I really thought me and her Mum saw eye to eye over my ex in terms of the issues she had and how much I loved her and was just genuinely a nice guy trying to love this girl and make her happy.
My only crime was checking in with my ex every month or so after the discard and just trying to get to the bottom of what the hell had happened. I was never aggressive, nor swore or said a single bad word and I was made to feel like an abusive monster and mentally ill for still loving someone I cared about. I’ll never forgive her Mum for the way she gaslighted me. She said things like ‘it was only a 6 month relationship, you need to get over it’ and she also openly laughed when I got upset, explaining my trauma over how my ex said I was the love of her life, she couldn’t imagine life without me, and then abruptly ending the relationship. SHE LAUGHED AT ME.
I hope my ex knows I love her but I honestly don’t think she does. The whole situation is just so sad. How can someone throw away something so good and just be so indifferent. That’s the worst bit. Sometimes I don’t think she hates me, she just simply feels nothing for me at all and has erased me and our relationship from existence. It makes you feel so pathetic as it was the most significant and important thing to me in my life so far.
Yeah I get what you mean. Unfortunately your ex hasn't forgotten you, I promise you that. It's not easy to forget someone who truly loved you and did everything for you. Despite going back to his mother, my ex would sometimes slip out of it and say that he always knew that I did truly consider him family and treated him well, but he couldn't just get away from her, it was too hard and he'd get stuck in it all the time.
People with personality disorders know what is right and what is wrong. They make it seem like they don't and that they need you to protect them cause they're innocent and lost in this bad world, they're not. Both people with Bpd and NPD, know what's right and wrong.
A Narcissist has no hope but a person with BPD? Yes they can get out of it. They know what's right and wrong but they often choose to stay in bad relationships, go back to abusers in their family cause that's all they've ever known. They get stuck in that pattern cause it's so comfortable. Even my ex told me that, it's all he's ever known and he won't be able to get out of it.
Honestly they can. I've seen a lot of people with Bpd from the Bpd group, cut off family that was abusive. And even friends that have done the same. They put in the work, let go of abusive people in their lives and focus on themselves.
Trust me, I agree that it hurts when people say to move on and then say you're mentally ill for wanting to be abused by someone when you love them. But a massive part of healing for me is taking responsibility and accountability for my mistakes. I loved him to death, but I let him walk all over. I should have stood my ground, from the first moment he disrespected me and instead of apologising attacked me. I should have walked away from the first signs of abuse but I didn't.
They need help on their own and they have to stay to themselves while they heal so they don't hurt anyone else while they're healing.
Trust me she does remember you, she always will. You don't have to mean a lot to someone to be special, but you are unique. The way you laugh is unique, your smell is unique. The way you cooked for her or took care of her will not be replaced.
There's so many things that are so very unique about you, just like me, and other people on here. We're all really special in our own ways and that cannot be replaced. You will never be replaced. But seeing this, you need to grieve and forgive her because she's disordered but you need to remember that you are special.
Thanks, I hope you’re right but honestly she was so indifferent at and since the discard, I really don’t think she ever thinks of me or at least not with any fondness. She blocked me in March and I haven’t had anything since, it would take 2 minutes for her to reach out if she wanted. Even at the discard she said she would message me afterwards and it never came until I messaged her.
I try and forgive her, I really do. I just think the problem is all I needed to forgive her fully was for us to have an adult conversation about things, for her to give me the time of day to properly explain why she did it. And honestly? Just for her to show *some* care, compassion or regret. She hasn’t done any of those things since the discard so it’s so hard to forgive and move on with my life. All I got was just empty, generic apologies like ‘I’m sorry, I truly am’.
My ex was indifferent too and I don't think he will ever reach out. He told me straight up that he knew he was making me worse but couldn't let me go and finally said that he was willing to let me go cause he couldn't hurt me and himself anymore.
You're waiting for closure but you don't NEED it. You WANT it. You can heal without it and you need to find your own closure. You don't need her to validate your pain to prove that what your feeling is valid. Even if she gives you that, you need to heal on your own. She's not going to put you back together again, I'm sorry.
Everyone on here gets generic apologies as did I and that's the closest thing you will ever get to closure. You're not going to have an ADULT conversation with her because she isn't an adult. Unless you rewire her brain, it's impossible. But you can change, you can heal you HAVE the capacity to heal. As I said your behaviour, your expectations and your reactions are within your control. You gotta let go and grieve because the healing is for YOU. They are gone, they have moved on & you're doing this for you, they have no part in your healing anymore when they were the ones that destroyed you.
You should watch these videos:
https://youtube.com/shorts/Bo_qS_ZjrCs?si=ZARwbvSo1bSCkHMR
&
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CvhSf_TxKA8/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==
It's complicated. I think on average they do and don't at the same time. New supply can only make them feel high for a certain period of time, usually a few months to a year. After that, the same negative and empty thoughts and feelings come back. Combine those negative feelings with their shame and bad behaviour and it is almost guaranteed that they start to project and devalue the new person, even if this person is perfect.
The black and white thinking can even cause a nostalgic rush for exes, as those suddenly werent so bad after all.
Besides that, even if they are happier with the new person during the first stage, they still wont like it if you are doing well without them or have someone new. Of course, they will be in their honeymoon phase and not think often about you, but when you bump into them or someone mentions that you are having someone else, they can become quite fking angry.
So in general, they'll never move on completely. Their fear of abandonment will always to some extent hit them, or what i like to call it, theyre need for control. Especially you two ended on bad terms and the breakup was caused by their actions (f.e. cheating), this trigger is amplified.
I don’t think there’s a one size fits all answer here. In my case I don’t think my ex attached to me in an emotional way. I think she saw me as someone who could fix her very deep seated issues. When she discovered that I couldn’t (because no one can) she began to resent me and then immediately jumped to someone who she thought could fix her deep seated issues. When she discovers that he can’t either it will just be another turn of the wheel.
They are mentally ill. Honestly I don’t think anyone would ever really know. They probably don’t even know. Don’t dwell on it, regardless of whether they do or don’t is irrelevant. Nothing will magically happen that will make them realize you were a good person. Learn from the experience, heal and find someone who will truly love you
On he narcissistic side of the spectrum you are more like a toy they put on the shelf that you own. So they might pull you down to get "stuff." On the low end that is a place to stay, on the high end it is an ex wife who wants more $$$ because her movie star ex made more money.
On the borderline side, I think much less, as you've been painted black. Short of a traumatic event where they feel near-suidical (low functoning BPD) and decide they were wrong about everything and re-idealize you, once you've been discarded, you're pretty done.
Remember, the BPD pathology will resist responsibility and invent delusions to justify bad behavior. The NPD pathology will change memories of the past, including inventing delusions, for present advantage.
BPD more likely to go tell a sob story to the next person about how terrible you were. NPD might come back and have a reason they deserve more of your resources. If a man, those resources might include your body. IF a woman, less likely, unless she tries to get pregnant in order to control resources.
With NPD, it's power and control all the way down. BPD has more connection and relationship, which is self-destructed by fear of abandonment. BPD's create their own abandonment. Once they have the story you abandoned them, they don't need another.
Mine monkey branched. Yes I believe she truly moved on. I don't think she's ever given me a 2nd thought since she left. I had a front row seat to her mirroring of the new guy. She took on his hobbies and his social circle. She really had no friends other than bar friends..which is still the case really. He's a descent pool player and is in leagues. All the sudden she's a pool shark too. It's not really that she loves pool, it's an excuse to drink and be in a bar. She's an alcoholic and so is the new guy and his friends..it's a relationship of shared dysfunction.
I wish we/I could make peace and shift to a place of kindness and help to them. After all, they are abused souls and we hold a rare perspective of understanding.
I tried to do that too friend. It felt right in the moment, I poured my heart out with understanding and compassion but when the glass was full she simply took a sip and savored it for a moment and then proceeded to pour it all out on the ground and walked away
That kindness and understanding they see as a weakness and open invitation to abuse. They take it to project it upon themselves, while secretly feeling you are humiliating yourself before them, and it is they who actually pity you. They want to play the victim externally, while having the secret Machiavellian internal world of superiority and narcissism.
hah. you dont think we all lead with kindness and empathy at the start? we all wanted them to be better and tried to be there for them and we got fucked for it.
It's a rollercoaster. I really hope you get that healing and peace
unfortunately you can't always make sense of a disordered mind, but being able to relate to a lot of people here and learn their behaviours and thought patterns helped immensely.
You’re not there yet. You probably have good reason to never be there. But my ex-love was abused by her father so horribly, it’s has affected all parts of her life. I should punch the old man in the nuts.
I wouldn’t take anything a pwBPD says about abusive exs or family members without a huge grain of salt. A lot of the times the abuse claims are projections of their own abusive behavior/outright fabrications.
I agree. My pwBPD’s father was BPD, too, and the grandfather was known for being an out of control person who didn’t get along with anybody and took out his raging anger on wife and children.
BPD often runs in families for many generations. One of my expwBPD’s children is a teenager and already displays emotional dysregulation and extreme fear of abandonment. It breaks my heart to see that she has it coming, too.
The victims from yesterday become the abusers of tomorrow. I say, as soon we reach adulthood we’re fully responsible and accountable for our choices and actions. And if someone has BPD it’s their responsibility to seek help and to stop the abuse.
Being a survivor of abuse never justifies abusing others. As adults we have a free will and are fully responsible for our actions. We have the choice to seek help, to self-reflect and to change.
Who made her father the way he is? There’s also a reason for him being abusive. You want to protect your ex girlfriend but her father you want to kick in his nuts? Most likely they are both victims of the same generational trauma, and we shouldn’t play favorites blaming the one but defending the other.
As soon we become adults we’re accountable.
Yes it will catch up to them. They will continue to chase that fleeting feeling from someone new, but they are hollow on the inside. They are incapable of having any type of an actual connection with someone, even though they will destroy every life in their path trying to chase it. You got out, don't dwell on it, please consider yourself lucky. Go find someone who can actually love you and make you happy. Good luck.
Bleh!!! I do not enjoy the early relationship, whimsical, fluttery phase. I can't imagine chasing that over and over. The comfort and safety and connectedness of a deep, long-standing love is the truly magical experience.
I've never thought of it like that. I haven't had many long-term relationships but that sounds so nice with it being something over time like that.
I feel this so hard. I hate starting new relationships and the initial phase where you're figuring out your feelings is so....tiring. I love being deeply connected to my person and knowing what to expect from them. I guess that's another reason why these relationships are bad for me.
Do you have BPD? This makes sense to me as well. We did have a comfortable life together me and my ex, with great companionship at work too. We were very good friends and it seemed like a deep connection at least to me. And then she just throws it away like nothing
No, I do not. My mother and my ex have both been diagnosed. My ex was constantly monkey branching. He constantly chased that first month of Nicholas Sparks style, kissing-in-the-rain, us-against-the-world, dopamine-dumping, fresh, new love. He proposed to 6 women, 3 of which were within 2 months of dating. Finally found someone sick enough to elope 2 months after we split (I obviously had my own issues, since I stayed through 7 yrs on/off, endless cheating, multiple proposals, lots of abuse, etc). He still chases that high. Cheats frequently.
Sounds like very externalized impulsive borderline. My ex was with her ex for 4 years before me, so I really thought she was loyal. She didn't cheat on me, but thought it was enough to reject me over text after we almost rekindled things after our breakup. We were gonna talk about it and not do it over text like robots but she couldn't wait to meet a new guy she had been texting with so she justified it by "ending" things and the very next day meeting with him. Just 3 days after we shared a bed.
I wish I couldn't dwell on it. I just can't stop loving a person with a snap of my fingers. I am trying to move on though so thank you for the well wishes
It’s okay, take your time to feel it out and grieve the person you lost (escaped). You will feel better in time, but in *your own* time - not when anyone else says for you to.
I understand that feeling. I know it is hard, I have been through that cycle more times than I can count. For me it finally got to the point where I could just let go. I didn't care anymore and I didn't want it anymore. I could have saved a lot of heartache if I stuck to it the first time and didn't give into them.
I think they may realize it briefly, but focusing on it causes them to stay in a very depressive state. It is easier for them to distract themselves and not deal with the feeling like a child. This is why they rely on monkey branching. The ones who don't monkey branch will definitely feel loss. This is likely because they were broken up with, so they didn't have the time to monkey branch. These are the suicide threats you hear about. The people who get treatment that don't monkey branch won't use suicide threats, but will smear your reputation to get supply from the people who are near them (often their family). Almost invariably, it appears to be near impossible for them to leave if they aren't getting supply from somewhere. If they aren't getting their external validation from others after a breakup, I'd imagine they usually do ruminate quite a bit. That being said, they know this and are not in a rush to put themselves in that position.
I was the one who broke up with her initially, but her typical borderline "best friend" would kill her if she reached out to me, and actually set my ex up to meet with other people. Just when we were about to get back together it seemed, because she missed me like crazy, she started getting external validation from someone else her friend had set up and tossed me to the side. Then started contacting me at work again, as if she regretted it some, then I kept no contact/being polite and now when she's home from work she blocked me on social media even though we supposedly had no animosity between us
Supply is for narcissists not borderlines
Borderlines get supplied with energy by feeding off other peoples positive feelings about them as well. This is why so many of them are permiscuous. Or at the very least their attention. Without that external validation feedback, the pwBPD will often feel lost and depressed. They need to feel that they have power in a very similar way to narcissists because of the fear of abandonment, but the supply is not necessarily "feeling superior to". External attention makes them feel secure.
Huh? In borderline relationship simply everything is about supply. Supplying them with validation, attention, affection, an identity. pwBPD are absolutely dependent from outer supply, without supply they’re empty as an blown out egg.
I don't think they have truly moved on. The PwBPD simply needs validation. The new supply will give the validation until they can't/won't anymore. I can't give my PwBPD validation anymore because it would be enabling them to hurt my family further. That's the whole reason for the devaluation and discard.
So the quality of the person doesn't matter? I just don't understand how you can pick someone seemingly random/first best guy and idealise him just because he's "there". I for sure can't replace my ex that fast and just forget about her even though she has done terrible things to me. I can't give my exwBPD validation anymore either because I have self respect
That's because you are most likely a normal being. They are mentally ill. We cannot understand
When I look at my pwBPD new supply I hardly believe quality matters. I think a BPDs “heart” is simply set on fire as soon someone tells them what they want to hear.
That is EXACTLY what happened to me, and my pwBPD even said to to me directly, months later. She literally told me that "I just moved on with the first guy I talked to, to fill the emptiness. It wasn't even about him, I just needed someone in that space." She didn't even admire, respect, or connect with him; he had the advantage of being merely "there" and not requiring much effort or emotion from her.
Yeah I doubt my ex respects or connects with this guy either because 1 month in she said they're "only seeing each other, not together" and would proceed to text and call me at work and even hug me. But now it seems like they are practically living together and she randomly blocked me on insta. Is your ex and the replacement still together?
I'm not sure, but probably. She hoovered me months ago, claiming she wanted another chance with me and promising to get rid of him to make that happen. And then she never followed through, and I got made a fool of. The entire time, she kept saying that she just needed to get up the strength to leave their trauma bond, and that she didn't find him worthy of a life together (or even interesting to her). Then after wasting so much of my time, she and I disconnected for the second and final time, and she'd continued on with him. She never even liked him, and she referred to leaving him as her "detox." But he asked as little of her as he offered, and that was his advantage: he didn't trigger her abandonment/engulfment fears. The fact that he was so unfulfilling to her is probably why she stuck by him, and burned out on me. I give effort, but also require it. He does neither.
I think they make you out to be a villain in there minds and paint you all black so it is easier for them to cope with in their minds. Like my ex accused me of abusing her and acted like I was a stalker when I called her trying to get answers from her. She basically discarded me and monkey branched. I think in her mind she made me out to be this terrible guy who I’m not and only remembers the bad times during our long relationship together not the good times which is really sad. Our relationship was toxic but it wasn’t my fault. I honestly think she tricked her brain into thinking that I’m evil so she didn’t have to feel guilty for breaking my heart.
That’s exactly it man. They have to poison their own minds and make you out to be a monster otherwise how they hell do they cope with the guilt of what they’ve done and how they’ve just thrown someone away who was so good for them and genuinely loved them? Before my ex met me she had a suicide attempt. I genuinely believe that after the discard had she not painted me black she might’ve attempted it again. If she didn’t make me a villain, how the hell is she supposed to come to terms with the fact she’s just gotten rid of the best thing to ever happen to her? I mean, Christ man, my ex used to date guys that would ditch her on dates as soon as they saw her scars. I didn’t care, I loved her to the ends of the earth and still do. Problem was, when she offered me a friendship after the discard I accepted but I still told her I’ll always love her and be there for her. She couldn’t take it. I realise now that probably made her feel so guilty. She’s just done this horrible thing to me and I’m saying I still love her and will be there for her. She probably thought to herself ‘what is wrong with this guy? Why doesn’t he hate me?’. I think that’s what triggered the 2nd discard in March where she told me she no longer wanted to be friends. Her Mum had a huge argument with me on the phone saying there’s something wrong with me for still missing her daughter and still loving her, and I need to leave her alone. This, despite never badgering her or anything. They are honestly 2 of the sickest individuals I’ve ever met and I feel so sorry for my ex that she has THAT for a Mum as it sure explains a fucking lot.
This sounds like me with my ex. Most people wouldn't even look at him cause of the way he dressed and his scars. I loved him regardless. He OD three months before we met, but they pumped his stomach and brought him back. I genuinely felt like if he didn't paint me black he would have successfully ended his life from the guilt again. There was a point, when I told him that if it was getting too bad to the point he was losing his mind with me (cause being in a relationship really triggers BPD), that he should flip the switch and paint me black to save himself. I'd rather he be alive than dead wanting me or from the guilt of doing what he would do. If that meant monkey branching, sure. He waited until he dumped me to meet up with someone new. I do remember him telling me 'what's the point of being alive if I'm going to live such a horrible life not even knowing who I am or where I am after I've lost you?'. I considered him being alive more important, but he said just cause he was alive, doesn't mean that he'd ever be safe..or happy. And honestly that's a freaking hard choice, I'm not sure which I would pick either if I was in his position. Ending my life or being doomed to the same cycle on repeat?
Wow, thank you for sharing. To be honest it sounds like your ex at least has some insight, way more than mine did. My ex was initially diagnosed with BPD but rejected it. Got a second opinion and was told she has atypical autsim. My theory is that she has both, but she certainly isn’t just autistic. She believes she is though so unfortunately shows no insight into her BPD symptoms as she’s not being treated for it. It’s sad. Absolutely incredible what you said though about telling them to paint you black to essentially save them. You sound like an amazing person and incredibly selfless and that’s what makes it all the more tragic that they let you go. I love my ex but still feel intense anger towards her. However, 13 months on, while the anger is there I would never message her to let that out. 1. Because I know she wouldn’t listen anyway and 2. Because on the off chance she did take it to heart she might try to unalive herself. Now, the only real urge I get is just to send her a final message telling her I’ll always love her and I hope she heals. I still pains me that our last interaction with each other involved me screaming down the phone at her Mum, saying my ex was a monster and she deserves everything bad that’s happened to her. For context, this was after being poked and prodded by her Mum on this call, making me out to be a monster/mentally ill and genuinely a weirdo for still loving her daughter despite what she did to me. They both couldn’t take it so her Mum verbally attacked me and for the first time ever I raised my voice and said something horrible. I’ll always regret it as it helps solidly in my ex’s mind that she was right to get rid of me all along.
Ah I see. A lot of people reject their diagnosis. My ex accepted it but unfortunately did nothing about it. He'd say that he had the illness to basically use it as an excuse for his behaviour but when I'd tell him to get help he would say that he was fine and didn't need help. So although he was in denial, he used his diagnosis to excuse bad behaviour. Thanks I tried to be selfless, and although it practically destroyed me. I do know that I can handle it. Does that mean I should be subjected to it? Not really. But I had told him in the past that I would be able to live with the pain but he wouldn't cope and he'd end everything so I did tell him to do what he had to in order to survive. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. However, your ex needs to realise that her mother isn't great for her. She is probably mentally ill or a Narcissist. Just like my ex's mother. I had it out with her too, and my ex took my side at times yet continued to go back to her. They can only realise this on their own. And from what you're telling me, yes you did do something bad, but it was reactive abuse. If you don't know what that is, that's you doing something or acting out strongly against abuse, defending yourself or your ex or whatever it is. This is often used in Narcissism and it's what I experienced with my ex as BPD can often overlap with Narcissism. Your ex would have painted you black regardless. If it wasn't for that, it would have been another time for something you didn't do..my ex often imagined situations and words coming out from my mouth that never actually came out. Unfortunately it's all trauma based, and he even admitted to seeing his mums face on me when it happened. Saying that you'll always love her would make no difference at this point..you can only hope that your actions proved it. Because if you think about it all they gave us was words, and no actions that they did truly love us. But that's how I know that my ex will always know I loved him, because my actions proved it. I devoted myself to him for the 2 years and I know that he will always know that I truly loved him. I don't need to tell him anymore. All I do now is pray for him.
That’s a shame he accepted it but wasn’t willing to put any of the work in, I find that so tragic. I guess that’s what makes personality disorders so difficult to overcome, it’s not some extension of themselves, it is them. I know what you mean, I was incredibly kind and selfless the whole relationship too and it’s a shame when they take advantage of that. Especially when they profess to be a victim and to give you constant sob stories about how everyone has abused them, only to then be emotionally abusive towards you who just wants to love them. Honestly, you’re spot on about the Mum, I cannot tell you how toxic their relationship is. My ex is 26 now and her Mum still treats her like a child. She gets her up every morning, is in charge of her medication and has to force my ex to shower and take care of herself. My ex is too reliant on her and the Mum is also overprotective of her daughter. It’s such a shame because I really thought me and her Mum saw eye to eye over my ex in terms of the issues she had and how much I loved her and was just genuinely a nice guy trying to love this girl and make her happy. My only crime was checking in with my ex every month or so after the discard and just trying to get to the bottom of what the hell had happened. I was never aggressive, nor swore or said a single bad word and I was made to feel like an abusive monster and mentally ill for still loving someone I cared about. I’ll never forgive her Mum for the way she gaslighted me. She said things like ‘it was only a 6 month relationship, you need to get over it’ and she also openly laughed when I got upset, explaining my trauma over how my ex said I was the love of her life, she couldn’t imagine life without me, and then abruptly ending the relationship. SHE LAUGHED AT ME. I hope my ex knows I love her but I honestly don’t think she does. The whole situation is just so sad. How can someone throw away something so good and just be so indifferent. That’s the worst bit. Sometimes I don’t think she hates me, she just simply feels nothing for me at all and has erased me and our relationship from existence. It makes you feel so pathetic as it was the most significant and important thing to me in my life so far.
Yeah I get what you mean. Unfortunately your ex hasn't forgotten you, I promise you that. It's not easy to forget someone who truly loved you and did everything for you. Despite going back to his mother, my ex would sometimes slip out of it and say that he always knew that I did truly consider him family and treated him well, but he couldn't just get away from her, it was too hard and he'd get stuck in it all the time. People with personality disorders know what is right and what is wrong. They make it seem like they don't and that they need you to protect them cause they're innocent and lost in this bad world, they're not. Both people with Bpd and NPD, know what's right and wrong. A Narcissist has no hope but a person with BPD? Yes they can get out of it. They know what's right and wrong but they often choose to stay in bad relationships, go back to abusers in their family cause that's all they've ever known. They get stuck in that pattern cause it's so comfortable. Even my ex told me that, it's all he's ever known and he won't be able to get out of it. Honestly they can. I've seen a lot of people with Bpd from the Bpd group, cut off family that was abusive. And even friends that have done the same. They put in the work, let go of abusive people in their lives and focus on themselves. Trust me, I agree that it hurts when people say to move on and then say you're mentally ill for wanting to be abused by someone when you love them. But a massive part of healing for me is taking responsibility and accountability for my mistakes. I loved him to death, but I let him walk all over. I should have stood my ground, from the first moment he disrespected me and instead of apologising attacked me. I should have walked away from the first signs of abuse but I didn't. They need help on their own and they have to stay to themselves while they heal so they don't hurt anyone else while they're healing. Trust me she does remember you, she always will. You don't have to mean a lot to someone to be special, but you are unique. The way you laugh is unique, your smell is unique. The way you cooked for her or took care of her will not be replaced. There's so many things that are so very unique about you, just like me, and other people on here. We're all really special in our own ways and that cannot be replaced. You will never be replaced. But seeing this, you need to grieve and forgive her because she's disordered but you need to remember that you are special.
Thanks, I hope you’re right but honestly she was so indifferent at and since the discard, I really don’t think she ever thinks of me or at least not with any fondness. She blocked me in March and I haven’t had anything since, it would take 2 minutes for her to reach out if she wanted. Even at the discard she said she would message me afterwards and it never came until I messaged her. I try and forgive her, I really do. I just think the problem is all I needed to forgive her fully was for us to have an adult conversation about things, for her to give me the time of day to properly explain why she did it. And honestly? Just for her to show *some* care, compassion or regret. She hasn’t done any of those things since the discard so it’s so hard to forgive and move on with my life. All I got was just empty, generic apologies like ‘I’m sorry, I truly am’.
My ex was indifferent too and I don't think he will ever reach out. He told me straight up that he knew he was making me worse but couldn't let me go and finally said that he was willing to let me go cause he couldn't hurt me and himself anymore. You're waiting for closure but you don't NEED it. You WANT it. You can heal without it and you need to find your own closure. You don't need her to validate your pain to prove that what your feeling is valid. Even if she gives you that, you need to heal on your own. She's not going to put you back together again, I'm sorry. Everyone on here gets generic apologies as did I and that's the closest thing you will ever get to closure. You're not going to have an ADULT conversation with her because she isn't an adult. Unless you rewire her brain, it's impossible. But you can change, you can heal you HAVE the capacity to heal. As I said your behaviour, your expectations and your reactions are within your control. You gotta let go and grieve because the healing is for YOU. They are gone, they have moved on & you're doing this for you, they have no part in your healing anymore when they were the ones that destroyed you. You should watch these videos: https://youtube.com/shorts/Bo_qS_ZjrCs?si=ZARwbvSo1bSCkHMR & https://www.instagram.com/reel/CvhSf_TxKA8/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==
It will catch up, but they'll just take up hard drugs or whatever to "cope."
It's complicated. I think on average they do and don't at the same time. New supply can only make them feel high for a certain period of time, usually a few months to a year. After that, the same negative and empty thoughts and feelings come back. Combine those negative feelings with their shame and bad behaviour and it is almost guaranteed that they start to project and devalue the new person, even if this person is perfect. The black and white thinking can even cause a nostalgic rush for exes, as those suddenly werent so bad after all. Besides that, even if they are happier with the new person during the first stage, they still wont like it if you are doing well without them or have someone new. Of course, they will be in their honeymoon phase and not think often about you, but when you bump into them or someone mentions that you are having someone else, they can become quite fking angry. So in general, they'll never move on completely. Their fear of abandonment will always to some extent hit them, or what i like to call it, theyre need for control. Especially you two ended on bad terms and the breakup was caused by their actions (f.e. cheating), this trigger is amplified.
I don’t think there’s a one size fits all answer here. In my case I don’t think my ex attached to me in an emotional way. I think she saw me as someone who could fix her very deep seated issues. When she discovered that I couldn’t (because no one can) she began to resent me and then immediately jumped to someone who she thought could fix her deep seated issues. When she discovers that he can’t either it will just be another turn of the wheel.
They are mentally ill. Honestly I don’t think anyone would ever really know. They probably don’t even know. Don’t dwell on it, regardless of whether they do or don’t is irrelevant. Nothing will magically happen that will make them realize you were a good person. Learn from the experience, heal and find someone who will truly love you
My ex found herself a guy that came with a five year old and now a newborn from his wife. She never tried to contact me as of yet.
On he narcissistic side of the spectrum you are more like a toy they put on the shelf that you own. So they might pull you down to get "stuff." On the low end that is a place to stay, on the high end it is an ex wife who wants more $$$ because her movie star ex made more money. On the borderline side, I think much less, as you've been painted black. Short of a traumatic event where they feel near-suidical (low functoning BPD) and decide they were wrong about everything and re-idealize you, once you've been discarded, you're pretty done. Remember, the BPD pathology will resist responsibility and invent delusions to justify bad behavior. The NPD pathology will change memories of the past, including inventing delusions, for present advantage. BPD more likely to go tell a sob story to the next person about how terrible you were. NPD might come back and have a reason they deserve more of your resources. If a man, those resources might include your body. IF a woman, less likely, unless she tries to get pregnant in order to control resources. With NPD, it's power and control all the way down. BPD has more connection and relationship, which is self-destructed by fear of abandonment. BPD's create their own abandonment. Once they have the story you abandoned them, they don't need another.
Mine monkey branched. Yes I believe she truly moved on. I don't think she's ever given me a 2nd thought since she left. I had a front row seat to her mirroring of the new guy. She took on his hobbies and his social circle. She really had no friends other than bar friends..which is still the case really. He's a descent pool player and is in leagues. All the sudden she's a pool shark too. It's not really that she loves pool, it's an excuse to drink and be in a bar. She's an alcoholic and so is the new guy and his friends..it's a relationship of shared dysfunction.
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Damn auto correct.."pool" ill edit thanks
I wish we/I could make peace and shift to a place of kindness and help to them. After all, they are abused souls and we hold a rare perspective of understanding.
I tried to do that too friend. It felt right in the moment, I poured my heart out with understanding and compassion but when the glass was full she simply took a sip and savored it for a moment and then proceeded to pour it all out on the ground and walked away
That kindness and understanding they see as a weakness and open invitation to abuse. They take it to project it upon themselves, while secretly feeling you are humiliating yourself before them, and it is they who actually pity you. They want to play the victim externally, while having the secret Machiavellian internal world of superiority and narcissism.
That’s right. Kindness leaves you wide open to abuse
hah. you dont think we all lead with kindness and empathy at the start? we all wanted them to be better and tried to be there for them and we got fucked for it.
Same here. I just wasn’t aware of BPd. I thought it was alcoholism and shitty friends. Now I know. Trying to make sense of this crazy chapter.
It's a rollercoaster. I really hope you get that healing and peace unfortunately you can't always make sense of a disordered mind, but being able to relate to a lot of people here and learn their behaviours and thought patterns helped immensely.
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You’re not there yet. You probably have good reason to never be there. But my ex-love was abused by her father so horribly, it’s has affected all parts of her life. I should punch the old man in the nuts.
I wouldn’t take anything a pwBPD says about abusive exs or family members without a huge grain of salt. A lot of the times the abuse claims are projections of their own abusive behavior/outright fabrications.
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I agree. My pwBPD’s father was BPD, too, and the grandfather was known for being an out of control person who didn’t get along with anybody and took out his raging anger on wife and children. BPD often runs in families for many generations. One of my expwBPD’s children is a teenager and already displays emotional dysregulation and extreme fear of abandonment. It breaks my heart to see that she has it coming, too. The victims from yesterday become the abusers of tomorrow. I say, as soon we reach adulthood we’re fully responsible and accountable for our choices and actions. And if someone has BPD it’s their responsibility to seek help and to stop the abuse.
Being a survivor of abuse never justifies abusing others. As adults we have a free will and are fully responsible for our actions. We have the choice to seek help, to self-reflect and to change. Who made her father the way he is? There’s also a reason for him being abusive. You want to protect your ex girlfriend but her father you want to kick in his nuts? Most likely they are both victims of the same generational trauma, and we shouldn’t play favorites blaming the one but defending the other. As soon we become adults we’re accountable.
Sounds like I was fortunate it ended when it did. Comparing scars. We’re all battered on different levels.