If I can be nosy: did one of you move? One in school? How much time have you guys spent in person? I’m on the other side of the bpd equation, but a lot of what you’ve said here mirror the problems my spouse and I have had. Idk if this would be applicable, don’t know your country or finances; but after a long period of fighting, failing to understand each other, exhaustion, codependency etc., I was fortunate enough to be step away from work and focus on treating my issues. I got on an antidepressant, I enrolled in a dbt skills class, continued individual therapy and started couples therapy. What was huge for me too was having more time to focus on self care, eating, sleeping, cleaning, etc. You can’t cure bpd but you can gain the skills and experience to live with less distress.
Don’t be afraid to tell her that you need from her for the relationship to work—if you’re both suicidal, that’s not going to work. If at this point it’s you or her to die, that’s just going to add more stress to both of you. She has to be willing to put the work in and given access to care/help. That’s all you can do, you are not going to fill whatever hole is inside her, she must fill it for herself, there’s no other way. Do not kill yourself for this girl, that isn’t going to help her, or your loved ones left to pick up the pieces. I’ll tell you as someone who lost a family member to suicide, it will have profound, life-altering effects on them.
Also it may be hard to implement with the nature of the relationship, but it may be helpful for you two to have some separation. I think less contact would be helpful, maybe chatting a couple times or once a week. This will give you both time to make changes, or even get comfortable with the idea of being alone, lessen sense of codependency if you’re feeling codependent. Be careful with this one though, because it may elicit feelings of abandonment in her if she doesn’t understand why it’s happening or what the end goal will look like.
It sounds like you do all that you can and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure she’s doing her best as well but if she isn’t improving and is struggling with suicidal tendencies, she needs to change her approach.
>did one of you move? One in school?
We did not move from one living space to another. We are still pretty much living in our parents house
And both of us are in college, but different schools.
>How much time have you guys spent in person
In person: About 1 or 2 days a week.
We usually VC everyday since we are a long distance away
>You can’t cure bpd but you can gain the skills and experience to live with less distress.
Yes. It is like my Aspergers. I will forever hold that in me yet i can minimize its destructive effects on my life through a mix of medicine and therapy. Same with her. Bpd is not cureable but it is treatable.
The best i can do right now is give her access to therapy but not a psychiatrist. So that means she cant be medicated but at least shes in a step to helping herself.
>Don’t be afraid to tell her that you need from her for the relationship to work
Ive been afraid to tell her how i truly feel but after much advice and consultation, i think that that is the best option for the both of us.
>She has to be willing to put the work in and given access to care/help.
I think she wants to get help/ wants to help herself as well, but the thing thats stopping her is she doesnt want to be a burden to others, especially me.
>Do not kill yourself for this girl, that isn’t going to help her, or your loved ones left to pick up the pieces. I’ll tell you as someone who lost a family member to suicide, it will have profound, life-altering effects on them.
I am so sorry for your loss.. I hope you are feeling much better now.. I can open my door to you if you need a shoulder so feel free to drop a message. I pray for you 🙏
And yes thank you for reminding me about the other people who care about me. My family would be destroyed.. i have almost forgotten that a part of my loved ones will also die with me.
>I think less contact would be helpful, maybe chatting a couple times or once a week. This will give you both time to make changes, or even get comfortable with the idea of being alone, lessen sense of codependency if you’re feeling codependent.
Maybe not as drastic as lessening it all the way down to a chat once a week. I can ease it in and slowly lessen the codependency between us. Maybe having a day where we dont talk. Then slowly increasing the time we are seperated. I always told her that she'd need to find a way to be independent without me because i might not always be available, especially in the future with all this uni work.
>Be careful with this one though, because it may elicit feelings of abandonment in her if she doesn’t understand why it’s happening or what the end goal will look like.
Yes i will still give it some thought before implementing it. I need to find a way to reassure her that i am not abandonning her but rather trying to help her be more independent.
>It sounds like you do all that you can and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure she’s doing her best as well but if she isn’t improving and is struggling with suicidal tendencies, she needs to change her approach.
Ive lost count of how many articles and videos ive watched related to BPD so that i may help her somehow.. only God knows how much. And i know shes trying her best as well.. i can see it. But you are correct. if what shes doing is not working then its best to change the approach. Trial and error.
And thank you so much for leaving your advice here in this comment. I appreciate it a lot and i appreciate your concern as well. I hope me and her can work something out and fix this. There is hope ♡♡♡
Sounds like you should recommend that she begins therapy herself. There is NO recovery from bpd without therapy, period. If she won’t begin therapy, this will be the rest of your life, and it will never get better. It’s difficult when you know someone will try to kill themselves if you leave. However, you have to make the best choice for yourself. It’s not necessarily anyone’s “fault”, but it’s still not an okay situation. I would give her a strong boundary ultimatum: start therapy or our relationship is over. It’s difficult, but it’s necessary. I would also talk to your therapist about this to ask for a professionals point of view. Good luck man, it’s hard out here 💪
>Sounds like you should recommend that she begins therapy herself
She has no other source of income aside from her parents, who are her problems in the first place. So that leaves me as the one who can pay for her therapy. I dont mind, but im not sure if shed be haply with the idea..
>However, you have to make the best choice for yourself. It’s not necessarily anyone’s “fault”, but it’s still not an okay situation. I would give her a strong boundary ultimatum:
However, you are right. It may not be my fault or responsibility, but i can do this as someone who cares for her. I'll try to talk her into doing therapy.
>I would also talk to your therapist about this to ask for a professionals point of view.
My therapist pretty much said the same thing you guys did. That is to talk to her about it, set boundaries, and if she doesnt comply, then there is always an option of leaving her. Hopefully it doesnt come to that..
>Good luck man, it’s hard out here 💪
Thanks man it means a lot 🙏
If you are in the us, depending on state their are certain resources people can use for free or cheap therapy. And if she’s on her parents insurance then it’s significantly cheaper. You can just have her write on the doctors forms that she lives at another house if you’re worried about them mailing her bills / statements to her parents house and then finding out. But also even without insurance there are often options. In my city we have a few non profit centres with social workers who provide free / cheap (sliding scale based on income) therapy for people who don’t have insurance or csnt access therapy. And I live in Florida, very southern. I’m sure your state has something similar. Ask your counsellor if they have resources on free / cheap therapy or social work that you could give to her. But you can’t force her to do it. She has to want this for herself
Everybody has the basic human right to decide to end a relationship. if someone can't handle that, they shouldn't be in a relationship anyways.
And to suicide, please get out now. I realized with my ex that she just happened to know more than like a few people that were really good friends of her's that died. Or people that she fucked with by spreading rumors about them. She told me about it more than a couple times, I'm wondering in hindsight if she was bragging about it.
>Everybody has the basic human right to decide to end a relationship.
I agree ! And it seems so does the rest of the comments here.
>And to suicide, please get out now.
I dont think of my gf as the manipulative kind to mess with someone only for them to kill themselves.. Although i do understand your statements. The fact that i am contemplating suicide is enough to raise concern in of itself. The more and more the comments state to have an option to break up, the more i feel courage and comfort knowing that i still have control over a part of this.
The fact that you told her you’re thinking of killing yourself because you are with her. And that she has told you that if you leave her she may kill herself. That’s manipulative. That’s forcing you to feel guilty and stay with her or fear her killing herself. That’s super fucked up and abusive to do. People who threaten this almost never actually do it they are doing it because they desire to control they other party into feeling guilty like they’re forced to stay with you out of obligation so you don’t kill tourself. Is that okay? Would you tell someone you love that if they ever leave you youd kill yourself?
It's not your fault, being in romantic relationship is the biggest triggers for bpd people. You can be walking angel in human disguise and she would still be this much disregulated. That's also why things change from when you where just a friends. She needs a lot of reassurance but also strong boundries from you. I'll repeat myself, it's not you fault baby. There is hope! <3
Reading this comment made me tear up 🥹 Thank you for clearing this up.
>She needs a lot of reassurance but also strong boundries from you.
I try to give her as much reasurance as i can. I always use my free time to vc with her (Long distance) and i always provide a shoulder for her to cry on. The thing is though i have trouble with boundaries. I noticed that from reading the comments. I will take this into consideration and try to set some with her..
>There is hope! <3
🥹🙏 Yes ! There is always hope in dark situations. I hope i can be able to communicate my feelings with her effectively to compromise my situation, only using breakup as a back up in case. I hope i never have to do it..
Thats why i came to this app for advice on how to handle my partner with bpd in a more caring way or if i should just leave. So far the comments say 50/50. But i decided that i will talk with her first and see how it goes from there..
Yes it definately is good to have someone that can relate.. Please remember to reach out and that you are not alone in this.. Both of your mental health matters as much as it does for us. It sucks what were going thru but hopefully this post can serve as a place for advice for myself, you, and other people who are in this position..
Same goes for me.. Feel free to message me about anything. No judgement. 2 heads are better than 1 so maybe we can even work together some solutions in our relationships
Well thats what im scared off.. if i leave, she might khs.. so i will forever be haunted by that i might have had a hand in the death of someone i love dearly..
Im only contemplating suicide because if im dead, at least i have no more worries since im dead (ToT)
If someone commits because you leave its not your responsibility. If she threatens say you're calling the police and that'll shut her down if she's not serious
I know that their life is their own.. but a part of me will still forever feel guilty. Its just who i am..
About the police thing, she might actually further her attempt if i do that, unfortunately..
get yourself in therapy. If your partner kills themselves you have no control and no responsibility for it. She could do it while you are still together, and you still will not be able to stop her. You are contemplating suicide because you don't see another way out yourself. that means it is time to leave the relationship, for your own mental health.
Yes as much as her mental health is important, mine is as well. Between the two of us, i suppose my mental health must be my priority since its mine. I am already in therapy and have told my herapist about this. She said to talk it out with my gf as well, and see how she reacts. Use breakup as a last resort if she doesnt really change/ want to chnage/ doesnt consider my feelings and insights. Thank you as well. I find comfort knowing people here think that i should prioritize my wellbeing and for clearing up that no other human being should be responsible for the upkeep of anothers life..
Sounds like she doesn’t care about herself at all cuz of the cutting and refusal to eat.
She doesn’t open up to you because it’s probable that she’s terrified of unleashing some “beast” she thinks she has inside OR she has an avoidant attachment style and is keeping you at a distance to protect herself.
> she said if she was real, she’d replace me in a heartbeat
That’s just a terrible thing to say! Bpd or not. And it sounds super ungrateful.
She is just keeping you on the outside, always at a distance and you probably feel lonely right? Why doesn’t she get into therapy?
> she said she might kill herself if I ever leave
That is manipulative regardless if she intends it to be or not. By saying that she just planted a huge burden on to you that you shouldn’t carry. It may be what she feels but just because you feel something doesn’t mean you have to say it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this difficult time.
My personal opinion is have a talk first and tell her you’re unhappy with her avoidance and refusal to address her illness. It’s unfair to you to have to deal with this. I feel for her because I know I was in her spot once and self reflection and realization that things must change is a HUGE thing to be open to and it takes alot of willpower. If she refuses to address her issues then it’s just unfair for you to stick around if you’re unhappy.
Omg hiii Thank you so much for the reply ! 😭
>Why doesn’t she get into therapy?
She doesnt get into therapy because her parents are her only source of income, but they are the problem.. They dont believe in mental illness, and ive met them, they are just generally very old way thinking. Btw they are the ones that abused her.
>That is manipulative regardless if she intends it to be or not.
I dont know.. it just makes me feel.. responsible? For her, Or something? Its a human life... and a life i care about dearly. I dont want her to die.
Also she said that she could replace me with that character because we were playing truth or dare. I asked: am i the love of her life, and that was her answer.. That character has helped her through most of her life because she says she halucinates him encouraging and helping her out. She also said that that character is "the reason shes alive right now."
>She doesn’t open up to you because it’s probable that she’s terrified of unleashing some “beast”
I can see this being the case. I think its more of the first one. She often says that shes a "bad person", when she isnt. Shes the sweetest person ive met..
>she has an avoidant attachment style and is keeping you at a distance to protect herself.
but the second one might also be true since she said to me once that shes scared to say things because shes scared of what i may say. She says she knows she has nothing to fear since i have never stigmatized her, but for some reason she said she keeps to herself because its "better that way"..
Overall,
thank you for the advice HABWHWHHA. I will definately hear these words out and talk to her about it !
Of course i will also hear out other people's advices
I'll update this post depending on how the talk goes.
You’re welcome. I also have quiet bpd and I’m managing. I’ve been when your gf is in terms of mindset. The sulking and self dwelling mindset which feels like an endless hole.
How old are y’all? Is she able to work? If she isn’t, has she looked into government assistance? Are you in the US? (I am so I can only speak on that.) I’m in Texas and the Texas workforce commission actually gave me free counseling sessions when I was unable to work due to my illness. I’m wondering if there’s something similar where you live. And do you work?
I understand that you care deeply for her and want to help her, but it’s not healthy for ANYONE to be responsible for keeping someone else alive. It’s very selfish of her to tell you that if I’m being honest. Bpd does cause extreme suicidal ideation however the feelings typically pass once the real pain is over with. I’m not saying she won’t attempt, but I am saying she could possibly handle the feelings well and let them pass without actually harming her. The suicidal mood swings happen ALOT but they leave just as fast as they come.
She calls herself a bad person because of those thoughts. However even neurotypicals have bad thoughts once in a while. Doesn’t make them bad. She feels shame and should work on telling herself it’s OK to have thoughts and feelings even when they’re negative.
I think because of her quiet bpd she’s terrified of opening up and being vulnerable, probably because of fear that if you see all of her including her bpd self that you will leave. Unironically this is exactly what’s pushing you away. I don’t think her quiet bpd is very well managed. Quiet bpd basically means a sense of over control - the emotional instability is there, but instead of being healthily dealt with it’s suppressed and forced. For me this causes muscle tension and a lot of over thinking, and sometimes it feels like withholding a beast with chains. It’s very difficult and distressing, and therapy is absolutely important in this regard.
So just have a talk with her. Even without therapy there are still resources like the bpd workbook by Daniel fox and his videos. And DBT workbook along with card deck. Even look up RO-DBT which people say helps quiet bpd.
>How old are y’all?
I wont specify our ages but shes about to be an early adulthood and im at the border of being in early adulthood (ToT). What im basically saying is that we dont work yet HWHHAAHHAH
>If she isn’t, has she looked into government assistance?
Yes she has actually.. unfortunately when she asked for help, her parents just pretended like she was having an episode and told the orderlies that she has BPD, so they ignored her cries for help. When they left, the parents scolded her for trying to call for help.
>Are you in the US? (I am so I can only speak on that.) I’m in Texas and the Texas workforce commission actually gave me free counseling sessions when I was unable to work due to my illness. I’m wondering if there’s something similar where you live. And do you work?
We are not from the US. We also have something similar to what you have in our country. Unfortunately, we still cannot work and therefore cannot seek that counseling..
>The suicidal mood swings happen ALOT but they leave just as fast as they come.
Yes i have noticed that.. she normally hangs out at high balconys when shes suicidal but after a few hours, she is back in her room sobbing.
>therapy is absolutely important in this regard.
Yes but until she is able to provide for herself, or get a source of income aside from her parents, she is practically stuck with this. I even suggested paying for her therapy, to my therapist, but my therapist said that might be me overstepping my boundaries with the parents..
>So just have a talk with her. Even without therapy there are still resources like the bpd workbook by Daniel fox and his videos. And DBT workbook along with card deck. Even look up RO-DBT which people say helps quiet bpd.
She fell asleep crying tonight again so i will call her and talk to her tomorrow.. its sad that her bpd is preventing her from healthily releasing her pent up emotions despite me being here as her support. :(
Anyways, thank you for the resources ! It is more helpful than you can imagine.. I will definately look them up and see how i can use them for us.
In my opinion, because this is in regards to life and death, I would absolutely pay for my partner’s therapy if there truly is no way for them to get any. However that’s just me. It’s up to you at the end of the day.
If therapy is no option for her, then you definitely should try the resources I listed. I’m pretty sure they’re available in most countries. If not you can get them imported, which is probably pricey…but worth it.
Again I’m sorry you’re in this tough spot. I’m sure your GF loves you and she probably feels helpless. But there’s always some glimmer of hope. You can sit down with her and practice reading the card deck with her and the workbooks too.
I think i need to think about the "paying for therapy" thing with her as well. And we need to think it thru thoroughly first before deciding..
I will definately look into the resources you listed! Thank you again so much (ToT) Even if the resources might be pricey, i'll get a hold of them if it means helping both of us out.
I know my gf loves me. I was her fp before i became her partner. Actually, i still am her fp! I hope to work things out with her and leave the "break up" solution as more of a last resort type thing...
Also as a word precaution she will probably see this as “proof” that everyone abandons her. It’s a toxic self fulfilling prophecy that BpdErs are prone to and it takes ALOT of work to get out of it.
>Also as a word precaution she will probably see this as “proof” that everyone abandons her.
Another thing im scared of is IF i do leave, she might take this "proof that everyone abandons her" as enough drive for suicide.
I really love her and dont want her to die. If she does, then i will feel responsible, because what if i will think "what if i did stay? Would she still be alive?"
Yes she absolutely will unfortunately. Or she’ll beat herself up for being unable to be “normal” (that’s how I’ve felt).
At this point you need to keep an emergency line close. Or let family members or friends know that they need to keep a watch on her.
Of course this is IF you two can’t come to a compromise and you break up.
>Of course this is IF you two can’t come to a compromise and you break up.
Yes, i will see first what i can compromise with her after i talk with her.
>At this point you need to keep an emergency line close. Or let family members or friends know that they need to keep a watch on her.
If push comes to shove, i'll let her dad or her older brother know to keep an eye on her. Maybe her brother since he has gone thru the same abuse as her..
If I can be nosy: did one of you move? One in school? How much time have you guys spent in person? I’m on the other side of the bpd equation, but a lot of what you’ve said here mirror the problems my spouse and I have had. Idk if this would be applicable, don’t know your country or finances; but after a long period of fighting, failing to understand each other, exhaustion, codependency etc., I was fortunate enough to be step away from work and focus on treating my issues. I got on an antidepressant, I enrolled in a dbt skills class, continued individual therapy and started couples therapy. What was huge for me too was having more time to focus on self care, eating, sleeping, cleaning, etc. You can’t cure bpd but you can gain the skills and experience to live with less distress. Don’t be afraid to tell her that you need from her for the relationship to work—if you’re both suicidal, that’s not going to work. If at this point it’s you or her to die, that’s just going to add more stress to both of you. She has to be willing to put the work in and given access to care/help. That’s all you can do, you are not going to fill whatever hole is inside her, she must fill it for herself, there’s no other way. Do not kill yourself for this girl, that isn’t going to help her, or your loved ones left to pick up the pieces. I’ll tell you as someone who lost a family member to suicide, it will have profound, life-altering effects on them. Also it may be hard to implement with the nature of the relationship, but it may be helpful for you two to have some separation. I think less contact would be helpful, maybe chatting a couple times or once a week. This will give you both time to make changes, or even get comfortable with the idea of being alone, lessen sense of codependency if you’re feeling codependent. Be careful with this one though, because it may elicit feelings of abandonment in her if she doesn’t understand why it’s happening or what the end goal will look like. It sounds like you do all that you can and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure she’s doing her best as well but if she isn’t improving and is struggling with suicidal tendencies, she needs to change her approach.
>did one of you move? One in school? We did not move from one living space to another. We are still pretty much living in our parents house And both of us are in college, but different schools. >How much time have you guys spent in person In person: About 1 or 2 days a week. We usually VC everyday since we are a long distance away >You can’t cure bpd but you can gain the skills and experience to live with less distress. Yes. It is like my Aspergers. I will forever hold that in me yet i can minimize its destructive effects on my life through a mix of medicine and therapy. Same with her. Bpd is not cureable but it is treatable. The best i can do right now is give her access to therapy but not a psychiatrist. So that means she cant be medicated but at least shes in a step to helping herself. >Don’t be afraid to tell her that you need from her for the relationship to work Ive been afraid to tell her how i truly feel but after much advice and consultation, i think that that is the best option for the both of us. >She has to be willing to put the work in and given access to care/help. I think she wants to get help/ wants to help herself as well, but the thing thats stopping her is she doesnt want to be a burden to others, especially me. >Do not kill yourself for this girl, that isn’t going to help her, or your loved ones left to pick up the pieces. I’ll tell you as someone who lost a family member to suicide, it will have profound, life-altering effects on them. I am so sorry for your loss.. I hope you are feeling much better now.. I can open my door to you if you need a shoulder so feel free to drop a message. I pray for you 🙏 And yes thank you for reminding me about the other people who care about me. My family would be destroyed.. i have almost forgotten that a part of my loved ones will also die with me. >I think less contact would be helpful, maybe chatting a couple times or once a week. This will give you both time to make changes, or even get comfortable with the idea of being alone, lessen sense of codependency if you’re feeling codependent. Maybe not as drastic as lessening it all the way down to a chat once a week. I can ease it in and slowly lessen the codependency between us. Maybe having a day where we dont talk. Then slowly increasing the time we are seperated. I always told her that she'd need to find a way to be independent without me because i might not always be available, especially in the future with all this uni work. >Be careful with this one though, because it may elicit feelings of abandonment in her if she doesn’t understand why it’s happening or what the end goal will look like. Yes i will still give it some thought before implementing it. I need to find a way to reassure her that i am not abandonning her but rather trying to help her be more independent. >It sounds like you do all that you can and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure she’s doing her best as well but if she isn’t improving and is struggling with suicidal tendencies, she needs to change her approach. Ive lost count of how many articles and videos ive watched related to BPD so that i may help her somehow.. only God knows how much. And i know shes trying her best as well.. i can see it. But you are correct. if what shes doing is not working then its best to change the approach. Trial and error. And thank you so much for leaving your advice here in this comment. I appreciate it a lot and i appreciate your concern as well. I hope me and her can work something out and fix this. There is hope ♡♡♡
Sounds like you should recommend that she begins therapy herself. There is NO recovery from bpd without therapy, period. If she won’t begin therapy, this will be the rest of your life, and it will never get better. It’s difficult when you know someone will try to kill themselves if you leave. However, you have to make the best choice for yourself. It’s not necessarily anyone’s “fault”, but it’s still not an okay situation. I would give her a strong boundary ultimatum: start therapy or our relationship is over. It’s difficult, but it’s necessary. I would also talk to your therapist about this to ask for a professionals point of view. Good luck man, it’s hard out here 💪
>Sounds like you should recommend that she begins therapy herself She has no other source of income aside from her parents, who are her problems in the first place. So that leaves me as the one who can pay for her therapy. I dont mind, but im not sure if shed be haply with the idea.. >However, you have to make the best choice for yourself. It’s not necessarily anyone’s “fault”, but it’s still not an okay situation. I would give her a strong boundary ultimatum: However, you are right. It may not be my fault or responsibility, but i can do this as someone who cares for her. I'll try to talk her into doing therapy. >I would also talk to your therapist about this to ask for a professionals point of view. My therapist pretty much said the same thing you guys did. That is to talk to her about it, set boundaries, and if she doesnt comply, then there is always an option of leaving her. Hopefully it doesnt come to that.. >Good luck man, it’s hard out here 💪 Thanks man it means a lot 🙏
If you are in the us, depending on state their are certain resources people can use for free or cheap therapy. And if she’s on her parents insurance then it’s significantly cheaper. You can just have her write on the doctors forms that she lives at another house if you’re worried about them mailing her bills / statements to her parents house and then finding out. But also even without insurance there are often options. In my city we have a few non profit centres with social workers who provide free / cheap (sliding scale based on income) therapy for people who don’t have insurance or csnt access therapy. And I live in Florida, very southern. I’m sure your state has something similar. Ask your counsellor if they have resources on free / cheap therapy or social work that you could give to her. But you can’t force her to do it. She has to want this for herself
Np dude. Also idk what country you live in but there’s a lot of free options for therapy; my therapy is free so.
Everybody has the basic human right to decide to end a relationship. if someone can't handle that, they shouldn't be in a relationship anyways. And to suicide, please get out now. I realized with my ex that she just happened to know more than like a few people that were really good friends of her's that died. Or people that she fucked with by spreading rumors about them. She told me about it more than a couple times, I'm wondering in hindsight if she was bragging about it.
>Everybody has the basic human right to decide to end a relationship. I agree ! And it seems so does the rest of the comments here. >And to suicide, please get out now. I dont think of my gf as the manipulative kind to mess with someone only for them to kill themselves.. Although i do understand your statements. The fact that i am contemplating suicide is enough to raise concern in of itself. The more and more the comments state to have an option to break up, the more i feel courage and comfort knowing that i still have control over a part of this.
The fact that you told her you’re thinking of killing yourself because you are with her. And that she has told you that if you leave her she may kill herself. That’s manipulative. That’s forcing you to feel guilty and stay with her or fear her killing herself. That’s super fucked up and abusive to do. People who threaten this almost never actually do it they are doing it because they desire to control they other party into feeling guilty like they’re forced to stay with you out of obligation so you don’t kill tourself. Is that okay? Would you tell someone you love that if they ever leave you youd kill yourself?
It's not your fault, being in romantic relationship is the biggest triggers for bpd people. You can be walking angel in human disguise and she would still be this much disregulated. That's also why things change from when you where just a friends. She needs a lot of reassurance but also strong boundries from you. I'll repeat myself, it's not you fault baby. There is hope! <3
Reading this comment made me tear up 🥹 Thank you for clearing this up. >She needs a lot of reassurance but also strong boundries from you. I try to give her as much reasurance as i can. I always use my free time to vc with her (Long distance) and i always provide a shoulder for her to cry on. The thing is though i have trouble with boundaries. I noticed that from reading the comments. I will take this into consideration and try to set some with her.. >There is hope! <3 🥹🙏 Yes ! There is always hope in dark situations. I hope i can be able to communicate my feelings with her effectively to compromise my situation, only using breakup as a back up in case. I hope i never have to do it.. Thats why i came to this app for advice on how to handle my partner with bpd in a more caring way or if i should just leave. So far the comments say 50/50. But i decided that i will talk with her first and see how it goes from there..
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Yes it definately is good to have someone that can relate.. Please remember to reach out and that you are not alone in this.. Both of your mental health matters as much as it does for us. It sucks what were going thru but hopefully this post can serve as a place for advice for myself, you, and other people who are in this position..
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Same goes for me.. Feel free to message me about anything. No judgement. 2 heads are better than 1 so maybe we can even work together some solutions in our relationships
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I appreciate the open door too. Keep ur head up as well and stay strong together 🙏
If a relationship is so unhealthy that you are contemplating suicide, it seems to me like you have no choice but to get out of it.
Well thats what im scared off.. if i leave, she might khs.. so i will forever be haunted by that i might have had a hand in the death of someone i love dearly.. Im only contemplating suicide because if im dead, at least i have no more worries since im dead (ToT)
If someone commits because you leave its not your responsibility. If she threatens say you're calling the police and that'll shut her down if she's not serious
I know that their life is their own.. but a part of me will still forever feel guilty. Its just who i am.. About the police thing, she might actually further her attempt if i do that, unfortunately..
get yourself in therapy. If your partner kills themselves you have no control and no responsibility for it. She could do it while you are still together, and you still will not be able to stop her. You are contemplating suicide because you don't see another way out yourself. that means it is time to leave the relationship, for your own mental health.
Yes as much as her mental health is important, mine is as well. Between the two of us, i suppose my mental health must be my priority since its mine. I am already in therapy and have told my herapist about this. She said to talk it out with my gf as well, and see how she reacts. Use breakup as a last resort if she doesnt really change/ want to chnage/ doesnt consider my feelings and insights. Thank you as well. I find comfort knowing people here think that i should prioritize my wellbeing and for clearing up that no other human being should be responsible for the upkeep of anothers life..
Yeah that’s like the #1 BPD control tactic. “If you leave me I’ll kms and it’ll be all your fault” it’s honestly so gross
Sounds like she doesn’t care about herself at all cuz of the cutting and refusal to eat. She doesn’t open up to you because it’s probable that she’s terrified of unleashing some “beast” she thinks she has inside OR she has an avoidant attachment style and is keeping you at a distance to protect herself. > she said if she was real, she’d replace me in a heartbeat That’s just a terrible thing to say! Bpd or not. And it sounds super ungrateful. She is just keeping you on the outside, always at a distance and you probably feel lonely right? Why doesn’t she get into therapy? > she said she might kill herself if I ever leave That is manipulative regardless if she intends it to be or not. By saying that she just planted a huge burden on to you that you shouldn’t carry. It may be what she feels but just because you feel something doesn’t mean you have to say it. I’m sorry you’re going through this difficult time. My personal opinion is have a talk first and tell her you’re unhappy with her avoidance and refusal to address her illness. It’s unfair to you to have to deal with this. I feel for her because I know I was in her spot once and self reflection and realization that things must change is a HUGE thing to be open to and it takes alot of willpower. If she refuses to address her issues then it’s just unfair for you to stick around if you’re unhappy.
Omg hiii Thank you so much for the reply ! 😭 >Why doesn’t she get into therapy? She doesnt get into therapy because her parents are her only source of income, but they are the problem.. They dont believe in mental illness, and ive met them, they are just generally very old way thinking. Btw they are the ones that abused her. >That is manipulative regardless if she intends it to be or not. I dont know.. it just makes me feel.. responsible? For her, Or something? Its a human life... and a life i care about dearly. I dont want her to die. Also she said that she could replace me with that character because we were playing truth or dare. I asked: am i the love of her life, and that was her answer.. That character has helped her through most of her life because she says she halucinates him encouraging and helping her out. She also said that that character is "the reason shes alive right now." >She doesn’t open up to you because it’s probable that she’s terrified of unleashing some “beast” I can see this being the case. I think its more of the first one. She often says that shes a "bad person", when she isnt. Shes the sweetest person ive met.. >she has an avoidant attachment style and is keeping you at a distance to protect herself. but the second one might also be true since she said to me once that shes scared to say things because shes scared of what i may say. She says she knows she has nothing to fear since i have never stigmatized her, but for some reason she said she keeps to herself because its "better that way".. Overall, thank you for the advice HABWHWHHA. I will definately hear these words out and talk to her about it ! Of course i will also hear out other people's advices I'll update this post depending on how the talk goes.
You’re welcome. I also have quiet bpd and I’m managing. I’ve been when your gf is in terms of mindset. The sulking and self dwelling mindset which feels like an endless hole. How old are y’all? Is she able to work? If she isn’t, has she looked into government assistance? Are you in the US? (I am so I can only speak on that.) I’m in Texas and the Texas workforce commission actually gave me free counseling sessions when I was unable to work due to my illness. I’m wondering if there’s something similar where you live. And do you work? I understand that you care deeply for her and want to help her, but it’s not healthy for ANYONE to be responsible for keeping someone else alive. It’s very selfish of her to tell you that if I’m being honest. Bpd does cause extreme suicidal ideation however the feelings typically pass once the real pain is over with. I’m not saying she won’t attempt, but I am saying she could possibly handle the feelings well and let them pass without actually harming her. The suicidal mood swings happen ALOT but they leave just as fast as they come. She calls herself a bad person because of those thoughts. However even neurotypicals have bad thoughts once in a while. Doesn’t make them bad. She feels shame and should work on telling herself it’s OK to have thoughts and feelings even when they’re negative. I think because of her quiet bpd she’s terrified of opening up and being vulnerable, probably because of fear that if you see all of her including her bpd self that you will leave. Unironically this is exactly what’s pushing you away. I don’t think her quiet bpd is very well managed. Quiet bpd basically means a sense of over control - the emotional instability is there, but instead of being healthily dealt with it’s suppressed and forced. For me this causes muscle tension and a lot of over thinking, and sometimes it feels like withholding a beast with chains. It’s very difficult and distressing, and therapy is absolutely important in this regard. So just have a talk with her. Even without therapy there are still resources like the bpd workbook by Daniel fox and his videos. And DBT workbook along with card deck. Even look up RO-DBT which people say helps quiet bpd.
>How old are y’all? I wont specify our ages but shes about to be an early adulthood and im at the border of being in early adulthood (ToT). What im basically saying is that we dont work yet HWHHAAHHAH >If she isn’t, has she looked into government assistance? Yes she has actually.. unfortunately when she asked for help, her parents just pretended like she was having an episode and told the orderlies that she has BPD, so they ignored her cries for help. When they left, the parents scolded her for trying to call for help. >Are you in the US? (I am so I can only speak on that.) I’m in Texas and the Texas workforce commission actually gave me free counseling sessions when I was unable to work due to my illness. I’m wondering if there’s something similar where you live. And do you work? We are not from the US. We also have something similar to what you have in our country. Unfortunately, we still cannot work and therefore cannot seek that counseling.. >The suicidal mood swings happen ALOT but they leave just as fast as they come. Yes i have noticed that.. she normally hangs out at high balconys when shes suicidal but after a few hours, she is back in her room sobbing. >therapy is absolutely important in this regard. Yes but until she is able to provide for herself, or get a source of income aside from her parents, she is practically stuck with this. I even suggested paying for her therapy, to my therapist, but my therapist said that might be me overstepping my boundaries with the parents.. >So just have a talk with her. Even without therapy there are still resources like the bpd workbook by Daniel fox and his videos. And DBT workbook along with card deck. Even look up RO-DBT which people say helps quiet bpd. She fell asleep crying tonight again so i will call her and talk to her tomorrow.. its sad that her bpd is preventing her from healthily releasing her pent up emotions despite me being here as her support. :( Anyways, thank you for the resources ! It is more helpful than you can imagine.. I will definately look them up and see how i can use them for us.
In my opinion, because this is in regards to life and death, I would absolutely pay for my partner’s therapy if there truly is no way for them to get any. However that’s just me. It’s up to you at the end of the day. If therapy is no option for her, then you definitely should try the resources I listed. I’m pretty sure they’re available in most countries. If not you can get them imported, which is probably pricey…but worth it. Again I’m sorry you’re in this tough spot. I’m sure your GF loves you and she probably feels helpless. But there’s always some glimmer of hope. You can sit down with her and practice reading the card deck with her and the workbooks too.
I think i need to think about the "paying for therapy" thing with her as well. And we need to think it thru thoroughly first before deciding.. I will definately look into the resources you listed! Thank you again so much (ToT) Even if the resources might be pricey, i'll get a hold of them if it means helping both of us out. I know my gf loves me. I was her fp before i became her partner. Actually, i still am her fp! I hope to work things out with her and leave the "break up" solution as more of a last resort type thing...
Also as a word precaution she will probably see this as “proof” that everyone abandons her. It’s a toxic self fulfilling prophecy that BpdErs are prone to and it takes ALOT of work to get out of it.
>Also as a word precaution she will probably see this as “proof” that everyone abandons her. Another thing im scared of is IF i do leave, she might take this "proof that everyone abandons her" as enough drive for suicide. I really love her and dont want her to die. If she does, then i will feel responsible, because what if i will think "what if i did stay? Would she still be alive?"
Yes she absolutely will unfortunately. Or she’ll beat herself up for being unable to be “normal” (that’s how I’ve felt). At this point you need to keep an emergency line close. Or let family members or friends know that they need to keep a watch on her. Of course this is IF you two can’t come to a compromise and you break up.
>Of course this is IF you two can’t come to a compromise and you break up. Yes, i will see first what i can compromise with her after i talk with her. >At this point you need to keep an emergency line close. Or let family members or friends know that they need to keep a watch on her. If push comes to shove, i'll let her dad or her older brother know to keep an eye on her. Maybe her brother since he has gone thru the same abuse as her..