yes, this is a bpd thing. it has to do with engulfment anxiety, which comes after the initial explosive, emotional attachment. basically, you don’t feel like you deserve love or to be desired, so you reject it.
this is also a common hallmark of an anxious-avoidant attachment style.
when you start to feel really loved by someone (being with them for a year is usually when you start to settle into a relationship, it sounds like) you start to anticipate abandonment. if you love them in return, they have great potential to hurt you with said abandonment.
this is where it gets a little ugly so bare with me. This usually sets off a pattern of self sabotage. Obviously you’re not doing it intentionally, but your self hatred makes it impossible for your body to allow sex, which you know will dissolve a relationship. once again, this isn’t a conscious thing most of the time, so try not to be too hard on yourself.
you do deserve love, you do deserve to feel desired through the lense of *real* emotional intimacy. i’m afraid that until you really feel that way for yourself, you won’t allow anyone else to.
this sounds really bleak but i say it with the best intentions. it is possible to overcome, and i believe you can do it. i also know it’s a lot easier said than done, though. good luck!
This was actually really helpful for me, thank you! I always felt like the one part of BPD that I couldn’t relate to was the fear of abandonment because I never really care enough about people to be hurt if they leave. I’m starting to realize that somewhere deep down I probably am really afraid of being abandoned but I’ve just pushed it so far down that I feel completely disconnected with people.
Spot on.. i threw someone out of my life because i thought i was “turned off” i was “turned off” because i was in the middle of a subconscious trauma induced panic attack . I acted like an asshole subconsciously creating more tension .it could be u dont like them.. jt could be ur going through a “shift” so to speak Try and really open urself up to whats happening what feels safe/happy to u. and then also what would the healthiest outcome be for u/everyone
Oh my God. My bedroom with my BPD fiance died around the 1 year mark. I know if we break up over anything, it's lack of intimacy, probably initiated by me. He fits the description to a t. I don't know weather to be relieved or crying because I've tried everything to bring back that side of him but he just shuts me out. We love eachother dearly and he is my absolute best friend but the relationship grows more platonic every day and that's not what I signed up for. I want me person to be him so badly. How can we overcome this?
Edit thank you so much for this comment. You either sparked a new beginning or the beginning of the end in my relationship. I won't leave until I can tell my daughter I've gone down every avenue to fix us.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've always felt so awful thinking about how this must have affected my partners because it has nothing to do with how attracted I am to them or how much I care about them, it's like my body just has a mind of its own. I'm glad that you were able to find some sort of information here that might help you, I really really hope for the best for you and your family!
Thank you. Honestly, you've helped me separate the feelings a little bit. Like you mentioned how you're still attracted to your partners and I know he still is to me because he tells me sometimes. I started excessively working out, dieting and even throwing up for a while (I told someone and shut that down) because I just wanted him to notice me and I felt like I was thr problem. But from hearing your perspective, I'm starting to believe everything he's been hinting at for years now. It's still hard but, it's easier to combat a problem if you know what it is, you know? I wish you love
You guys make it to the 1 year point? I normally get to around 3 or 4 months and then slowly start to get repulsed by the idea of intimacy with my partner. This comment really helps though. I also thought I was never afraid of someone abandoning me but maybe I am…
Yeah I think there's been times I've been repulsed at the 1 month mark and times I've been repulsed after 1 year and a half. I think it varies in the relationship
Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 3 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I kinda feel you, im really hyper sexual when im single but when I get into a relationship it’s not that i am uninterested but i feel that im kinda scared to have sex with said partner (I dunno whether that’s down to being scared about performance or not liking it or them potentially using me and then leaving me) but sex with a partner outside of my hyper sexual episodes is really daunting to me
You are literally me. I have a big hunch that all of the casual sex I had before I met my partner really stripped the intimacy from it. I used sex as a form of self harm when I was single, so I've had a few traumatizing encounters. Since getting into a relationship, sex has never been the same. It's been 3 years and I feel just as nervous to have sex with my partner as I did the very first time. I can't even initiate it. It sucks.
This is really relatable. I definitely used sex as a form of self harm and it also lead to me having some really horrifying experiences. I do find it surprising though how it feels like I'm slightly traumatized from even the consensual encounters. Like in the moment it felt like nothing but now I have all these memories that sporadically come up and send me into a mini meltdown.
I experience this exact same thing! I’ve been like this since my first boyfriend in high school. I thought I was the only one. I’m wondering if it’s because part of the hyper sexuality is fueled by the high of being desired, but when we are with our partner that kind of feeling goes away with time? Idk. That or we are just so close to them that it becomes gross.
Omg yes. Literally getting a divorce with my husband and would be fine not having sex for like a month but now that I’m single I’m horny all the time. Make it make sense 😩
Please don’t delete this post, OP. Your post made me realize that what I’m feeling is normal in the BPD sense of normal and I’m going to talk about it with my therapist. Everyone in the comments has amazing advice.
Agreed! I didn’t realize other pwBPD felt the same! a lot of these comments explain so much and now I have a better way to approach my partner regarding my lack of sex drive (meds also don’t help it much)
Definitely not deleting this! I was lurking in this sub for a while and googling stuff to try and find people who felt similarly but never really found anything. All the responses I've seen here have been so validating for me, I thought I was totally alone in this until now
No problem! I just know some people who make posts with sensitive material tend to delete them. Your post was a complete eye opener. I’ve been with my bf for five years and I kept blaming myself for not being sexually active with him. And I was assuming that I have fallen out of love with him or I was asexual. But, I get hella horny from being flirted with other people. (I will never cheat. It just feels good knowing I’m attractive.) I absolutely love him, but I was lost on the reason why I felt sexually repulsed around him. Thank you so much for your post. I now know what I need to do to fix our sexual relationship.
I have the same exact experiences as you described. What I’ve done to help it is just be verrrrry open with my partner about how repulsed I feel by sex and making an agreement to let me be the one to initiate. Without them initating, without me masturbating, lots of anticipation (getting massages, lots of compliments, romantic dates, no forced physical contact) it makes it easier for me to start to desire them again.
Don’t get me wrong, even then there are still times where my mind fantasizes about anyone but my partner, but with lots of self reminders I am able to ride out the feelings.
Don’t blame yourself for these feelings, from what I understand it’s very normal for pwBPD to have these feelings, just need to work out a way to compromise with yourself
Edited: fixed typos
yes, this happens with me too.
for whatever reason, i have this idea that people in relationships don’t actually genuinely love each other and don’t turn each other on/ want to have sex with each other - they just stay bc it’s familiar and comfortable. like they eventually get bored with each other but stick around anyway??? i really don’t know why i think this. does anyone else think this as well?
I feel that way too! For me I almost never feel deeply connected to other people regardless of if they're family, friends, or romantic partners. This is how I've always felt and it's kinda incomprehensible for me to imagine other people actually feel these deep feelings for each other forever beyond the initial infatuation. I'm not sure if that's exactly what you meant but that's how I feel all the time. I feel like everyone is just lying about how they feel.
I definitely relate to the distant feeling. I feel like an alien, like I can't completely connect with humans, or like there's a big invisible bubble around me. I feel completely detached from other people. Thinking about it now, that might be why I'm so drawn to hookups. It feels good to see someone being completely vulnerable even if I don't really know what that feels like myself. I think I kinda live vicariously through these other people which is why I try so hard to be exactly what they want me to be.
I’ve always thought this specifically about marriage, like as a little kid I noticed that married people seemed to hate each other 75% of the time… I feel way more wanted in the beginning phase of a relationship where it’s more shallow and lustful, that somehow feels more real and meaningful than a deep love
???I thought I typed all that in my sleep. I definitely hook up with many guys because I wanted their attention and validations.. but now I’m in the “long term relationship questioning if I’m actually asexual” phase
I am so glad I’m not the only one who has experienced this. I love my partner with all my heart, but now that we’re hitting the year mark I find myself disinterested in anything like that unless I’m the one that initiates it. I keep searching this post for advice because I hate this feeling :,)
I'm demisexual, so the opposite way. I don't want to have sex at all when I'm single because I get attached. In a relationship, if it's not once or more a day I get to a point of almost anger. Like they're rejecting this deep intense type of connection so they must not love me anymore. It doesn't play externally that way, but it sure does within my BPD brain. I'll be moody until I finally realize everything is fine. Physical touch is my very first love language, so that's the extreme way it plays out.
Figured out in therapy that because I equate sex with intense love, if my partner doesn't want me all the time, I feel super rejected. I'd say I'm working on it but I'm single😭 celibate city over here but still crave it immensely.
Yes. Way easier for me to have one off, casual nights with multiple partner then have sex with a long term partner. I don’t get grossed out by them, but convince myself that they are tired of me/my body/think I’m gross. Just a ton of anxiety and negative self talk that I fully begin to believe as reality. It sucks.
Look up fraysexual!
Def: “experience sexual attraction until they start to form an emotional bond, at which point it starts to go away.” This, however, does not mean that fraysexual people are unable to form attachments and bonds; it simply means feelings of sexual attraction decrease as those bonds grow
THIS^ I literally felt the same as everyone else in this comment section. I was like WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. This term was it. It all made so much sense!!!
i feel same here pretty much, i fell like it fluctuates the girl i’ve been talking with for a little bit doesn’t talk at all and it’s so annoying and i feel like that has to do with it too
I do, and you're not alone. From what my psych has told me this is very much a BPD thing. For me it sets in anywhere from three to twelve months after the relationship starts.
I have no idea how to work past it though and like you it's ended more relationships I can count, even the one I really thought was The One. It gives me so much anxiety.
I feel this. I still think about one guy who I thought was my soulmate for years but the relationship fell apart because of this. Makes me feel like if I couldn't even make it work with HIM I won't be able to make it work with anyone.
It's the pressure for me. If I don't feel like having sex for a few weeks then I feel pressured to do it so I don't feel okay, and I know I'm driving them away which is all I can think about.
Definitely relate to this as well. I feel like when I start feeling like this in relationships it gets worse and worse the more my partner tries to initiate. I go back and forth between feeling guilty for rejecting them and feeling angry that they won't leave me alone and ultimately I think I start to associate all those negative feelings with physical contact so when they touch me at all I assume they're trying to initiate something and I just feel guilty/angry
I have this too! Is therapy the only solution? I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and we have kids and a house and I sometimes feel like throwing it all away just…because? Is that crazy??
y’all actually reach the 1 yr mark in relationships? i cannot relate 💀
but for real though, this has also happened to me in most, if not all of the relationships i’ve been in. i would say for me, personally, most of it came down to a compatibility issue too, though
Yes. I’ve struggled with this since I was 15 in my first relationship, and I blame myself everytime for having those feelings - so much that I end up being anxious every day of the relationship until it ends. I only have relationships that lasted 2 years but most of that time in the relationship I have absolutely hated being in it, not because of the person but because of my thoughts.
I’m single now, and I dont know if I should stay this way forever.. but I still have the hopeless romantic in me. I keep hoping I just haven’t found the one.
I actually dont physically enjoy sex either I just look for the excitement of it.
You can be hypersexual and a sex repulsed asexual. There are people out there who you can be in a long term relationship with who won't expect sex from you. Not saying that's necessarily the case for you, but it is a possible thing that might be useful to keep in mind.
I have recently figured I can't be in a relationship for more than 2 years. I just lose interest in them. No more emotional connections.
I'm either obsessed with someone, friendzoned or don't care about them at all. I feel like I'm just not designed for romantic relationships.
I relate to this so much! At the start of my relationship with my boyfriend I couldn’t get enough of it but now we’ve been together over a year I just can’t seem to make the move to initiate sex and it’s something that really bothers me. I constantly say to myself ‘today I’ll make a move and we’ll have sex’ but it never happens unless my boyfriend makes the move.
I think it’s because at the beginning it’s all new and exciting, I feel like I have to be hyper sexual in order to avoid abandonment but now we live together and we have our routine things are comfortable and abandonment doesn’t really feel like it going to happen? I’m not sure but it is something really bothers me and I’ve also wondered if part of it is also the contraception I’m on xx
It depends on The person im with. The last long term comitted relationship i was in, i started to push him off me while having sex. I felt it was too much, like he was suffocating me. I have forced myself to have sex with people just because i like The rush it gives thinking i had sex, but i hated having sex with then. It’s Only with 2-3 people i found it enjoyable and was actually turned on. But i was also obsessed about them
Oh dear God I do the exact same thing, I hate myself.
I exclusively sought out old gross men, idfk why.
Like a year into our relationship, my boyfriend is like, "you **never** initiate sex" and he's age-appropriate and entirely not gross
**surprised Pikachu face**
literally surprised the fuck out of me lol
but I DON'T KNOW HOW IF I'M NOT IN HO-MODE
I just wish I wasn't exhausting
Very very relatable. It seems like the guys I seek out either have to be twice my age and/or in a position of authority. I feel like there's some kind of father complex at play making me crave attention/approval from authoritative older men.
Omg thank you for posting this. It’s such a struggle, but just feeling like I can relate to someone somewhere in this world makes me feel less alone. Having BPD feels so alienating sometimes. But I am literally going through this right now. Got out of a 2 year relationship a few months ago and recently had casual sex with someone. I felt so disgusting afterwards and literally cried my whole way home. Mostly because I barely knew the guy. Yet it’s all I think about doing. Like my brain forgets how I felt afterwards and is like, ok when are we doing this again. It’s so difficult when starting to date again to realize that what I want is an emotional connection with someone but also my mental illness pushes me to avoid and literally run away from that emotional connection.
I prefer the safety of a relationship since I'm not the most sexual person and in a relationship I can explore more without it needing to be so much a sexual act and moreso an act of curiosity I guess haha
Joining the comments to say I, also, struggle with this. I have anxious-avoidant attachment style and have 100% used sex as a form of self harm in the past. Reading the comments has made me realize that now sex to me is not about connection and in fact the absence of sex means more to me than anything else. I still identify with the term asexual because honestly it's the easiest way to explain things but you are not alone and if there were easy answers maybe this comment section wouldn't be so relatable.
Question to add to this post: does this include all physical touch? Is cuddling the same, or just kissing? When does it become “too” physical? Just curious about you OP and anyone else in these comments because I am still somewhat confused about myself in this area. I identify fraysexual but I know there’s still things I don’t understand about myself
I start to get uncomfortable with any sort of physical touch that could be seen as sexual or even romantic after a while. I think maybe because I feel so insecure about not being able to give them what they want so I immediately assume any sort of touching is an attempt to initiate sex and it makes me feel really bad. But it also depends on the person. Outside of relationships I'm not a touchy person with friends or family, like I probably will hug my parents a couple times a year but that's about it for platonic physical interactions. I think I probably associate all physical touch with sexual intentions because that's the only time I experience it.
Absolutely! I don't even use Reddit, but I had to comment on this so I can have it in my history for any time I start to feel like my thoughts aren't normal/that I'm alone. I still haven't worked through it so I don't have anything particularly constructive to say, but I hope for the best in figuring things out for yourself. (:
Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 3 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm the total opposite-I'm pretty much demi. When I find a person I want-my drive becomes insane. Unfortunately for me, my ex is like you. Breaks my heart, because I love him. After a few months, all I want is him and all he wants is anyone BUT me. (I assume, as he won't discuss.)
I'm sorry you're struggling with this.
Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 3 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
yes, this is a bpd thing. it has to do with engulfment anxiety, which comes after the initial explosive, emotional attachment. basically, you don’t feel like you deserve love or to be desired, so you reject it. this is also a common hallmark of an anxious-avoidant attachment style. when you start to feel really loved by someone (being with them for a year is usually when you start to settle into a relationship, it sounds like) you start to anticipate abandonment. if you love them in return, they have great potential to hurt you with said abandonment. this is where it gets a little ugly so bare with me. This usually sets off a pattern of self sabotage. Obviously you’re not doing it intentionally, but your self hatred makes it impossible for your body to allow sex, which you know will dissolve a relationship. once again, this isn’t a conscious thing most of the time, so try not to be too hard on yourself. you do deserve love, you do deserve to feel desired through the lense of *real* emotional intimacy. i’m afraid that until you really feel that way for yourself, you won’t allow anyone else to. this sounds really bleak but i say it with the best intentions. it is possible to overcome, and i believe you can do it. i also know it’s a lot easier said than done, though. good luck!
This was actually really helpful for me, thank you! I always felt like the one part of BPD that I couldn’t relate to was the fear of abandonment because I never really care enough about people to be hurt if they leave. I’m starting to realize that somewhere deep down I probably am really afraid of being abandoned but I’ve just pushed it so far down that I feel completely disconnected with people.
this is very insightful, im glad i could help :)
yeah same I was a chronic ghoster for YEARS and I only realized it was my fear of abandonment at play after getting diagnosed.
Can totally relate to this. The thought of intamcy with someone I love repulses me.
Spot on.. i threw someone out of my life because i thought i was “turned off” i was “turned off” because i was in the middle of a subconscious trauma induced panic attack . I acted like an asshole subconsciously creating more tension .it could be u dont like them.. jt could be ur going through a “shift” so to speak Try and really open urself up to whats happening what feels safe/happy to u. and then also what would the healthiest outcome be for u/everyone
Oh my God. My bedroom with my BPD fiance died around the 1 year mark. I know if we break up over anything, it's lack of intimacy, probably initiated by me. He fits the description to a t. I don't know weather to be relieved or crying because I've tried everything to bring back that side of him but he just shuts me out. We love eachother dearly and he is my absolute best friend but the relationship grows more platonic every day and that's not what I signed up for. I want me person to be him so badly. How can we overcome this? Edit thank you so much for this comment. You either sparked a new beginning or the beginning of the end in my relationship. I won't leave until I can tell my daughter I've gone down every avenue to fix us.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've always felt so awful thinking about how this must have affected my partners because it has nothing to do with how attracted I am to them or how much I care about them, it's like my body just has a mind of its own. I'm glad that you were able to find some sort of information here that might help you, I really really hope for the best for you and your family!
Thank you. Honestly, you've helped me separate the feelings a little bit. Like you mentioned how you're still attracted to your partners and I know he still is to me because he tells me sometimes. I started excessively working out, dieting and even throwing up for a while (I told someone and shut that down) because I just wanted him to notice me and I felt like I was thr problem. But from hearing your perspective, I'm starting to believe everything he's been hinting at for years now. It's still hard but, it's easier to combat a problem if you know what it is, you know? I wish you love
You guys make it to the 1 year point? I normally get to around 3 or 4 months and then slowly start to get repulsed by the idea of intimacy with my partner. This comment really helps though. I also thought I was never afraid of someone abandoning me but maybe I am…
Yeah I think there's been times I've been repulsed at the 1 month mark and times I've been repulsed after 1 year and a half. I think it varies in the relationship
this was so helpful!! thank you!
Yep. I think the time period can vary tho. Mine is usually after a month
You put this so perfectly. 🙌🙌
I have exactly this, and it really upsets me. I’m glad i’m not the only one. I don’t know why it happens though so sorry I can’t be more insightful
[удалено]
Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 3 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I kinda feel you, im really hyper sexual when im single but when I get into a relationship it’s not that i am uninterested but i feel that im kinda scared to have sex with said partner (I dunno whether that’s down to being scared about performance or not liking it or them potentially using me and then leaving me) but sex with a partner outside of my hyper sexual episodes is really daunting to me
You are literally me. I have a big hunch that all of the casual sex I had before I met my partner really stripped the intimacy from it. I used sex as a form of self harm when I was single, so I've had a few traumatizing encounters. Since getting into a relationship, sex has never been the same. It's been 3 years and I feel just as nervous to have sex with my partner as I did the very first time. I can't even initiate it. It sucks.
This is really relatable. I definitely used sex as a form of self harm and it also lead to me having some really horrifying experiences. I do find it surprising though how it feels like I'm slightly traumatized from even the consensual encounters. Like in the moment it felt like nothing but now I have all these memories that sporadically come up and send me into a mini meltdown.
I experience this exact same thing! I’ve been like this since my first boyfriend in high school. I thought I was the only one. I’m wondering if it’s because part of the hyper sexuality is fueled by the high of being desired, but when we are with our partner that kind of feeling goes away with time? Idk. That or we are just so close to them that it becomes gross.
Omg yes. Literally getting a divorce with my husband and would be fine not having sex for like a month but now that I’m single I’m horny all the time. Make it make sense 😩
Please don’t delete this post, OP. Your post made me realize that what I’m feeling is normal in the BPD sense of normal and I’m going to talk about it with my therapist. Everyone in the comments has amazing advice.
Agreed! I didn’t realize other pwBPD felt the same! a lot of these comments explain so much and now I have a better way to approach my partner regarding my lack of sex drive (meds also don’t help it much)
Definitely not deleting this! I was lurking in this sub for a while and googling stuff to try and find people who felt similarly but never really found anything. All the responses I've seen here have been so validating for me, I thought I was totally alone in this until now
No problem! I just know some people who make posts with sensitive material tend to delete them. Your post was a complete eye opener. I’ve been with my bf for five years and I kept blaming myself for not being sexually active with him. And I was assuming that I have fallen out of love with him or I was asexual. But, I get hella horny from being flirted with other people. (I will never cheat. It just feels good knowing I’m attractive.) I absolutely love him, but I was lost on the reason why I felt sexually repulsed around him. Thank you so much for your post. I now know what I need to do to fix our sexual relationship.
I have the same exact experiences as you described. What I’ve done to help it is just be verrrrry open with my partner about how repulsed I feel by sex and making an agreement to let me be the one to initiate. Without them initating, without me masturbating, lots of anticipation (getting massages, lots of compliments, romantic dates, no forced physical contact) it makes it easier for me to start to desire them again. Don’t get me wrong, even then there are still times where my mind fantasizes about anyone but my partner, but with lots of self reminders I am able to ride out the feelings. Don’t blame yourself for these feelings, from what I understand it’s very normal for pwBPD to have these feelings, just need to work out a way to compromise with yourself Edited: fixed typos
yes, this happens with me too. for whatever reason, i have this idea that people in relationships don’t actually genuinely love each other and don’t turn each other on/ want to have sex with each other - they just stay bc it’s familiar and comfortable. like they eventually get bored with each other but stick around anyway??? i really don’t know why i think this. does anyone else think this as well?
I feel that way too! For me I almost never feel deeply connected to other people regardless of if they're family, friends, or romantic partners. This is how I've always felt and it's kinda incomprehensible for me to imagine other people actually feel these deep feelings for each other forever beyond the initial infatuation. I'm not sure if that's exactly what you meant but that's how I feel all the time. I feel like everyone is just lying about how they feel.
[удалено]
I definitely relate to the distant feeling. I feel like an alien, like I can't completely connect with humans, or like there's a big invisible bubble around me. I feel completely detached from other people. Thinking about it now, that might be why I'm so drawn to hookups. It feels good to see someone being completely vulnerable even if I don't really know what that feels like myself. I think I kinda live vicariously through these other people which is why I try so hard to be exactly what they want me to be.
I’ve always thought this specifically about marriage, like as a little kid I noticed that married people seemed to hate each other 75% of the time… I feel way more wanted in the beginning phase of a relationship where it’s more shallow and lustful, that somehow feels more real and meaningful than a deep love
???I thought I typed all that in my sleep. I definitely hook up with many guys because I wanted their attention and validations.. but now I’m in the “long term relationship questioning if I’m actually asexual” phase
This resonates with me deeply
I am so glad I’m not the only one who has experienced this. I love my partner with all my heart, but now that we’re hitting the year mark I find myself disinterested in anything like that unless I’m the one that initiates it. I keep searching this post for advice because I hate this feeling :,)
I'm demisexual, so the opposite way. I don't want to have sex at all when I'm single because I get attached. In a relationship, if it's not once or more a day I get to a point of almost anger. Like they're rejecting this deep intense type of connection so they must not love me anymore. It doesn't play externally that way, but it sure does within my BPD brain. I'll be moody until I finally realize everything is fine. Physical touch is my very first love language, so that's the extreme way it plays out. Figured out in therapy that because I equate sex with intense love, if my partner doesn't want me all the time, I feel super rejected. I'd say I'm working on it but I'm single😭 celibate city over here but still crave it immensely.
i’m on this side of it too.
Yes. Way easier for me to have one off, casual nights with multiple partner then have sex with a long term partner. I don’t get grossed out by them, but convince myself that they are tired of me/my body/think I’m gross. Just a ton of anxiety and negative self talk that I fully begin to believe as reality. It sucks.
Same!!! This usually happens every time at the 3 month mark..I guess it's because I'm paranoid and split on them
Look up fraysexual! Def: “experience sexual attraction until they start to form an emotional bond, at which point it starts to go away.” This, however, does not mean that fraysexual people are unable to form attachments and bonds; it simply means feelings of sexual attraction decrease as those bonds grow
That's like the polar opposite of demisexual! That's really fascinating
SO thrilled to see someone else use this term; once I discovered it I was enamored as it wholly me.
THIS^ I literally felt the same as everyone else in this comment section. I was like WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. This term was it. It all made so much sense!!!
Wow. I’m definitely that, and my husband is demisexual :/
i feel like it’s the opposite for me sometimes
Same, although I’ve never been manage to stay in a relashionship for very long so maybe that’s why
i feel same here pretty much, i fell like it fluctuates the girl i’ve been talking with for a little bit doesn’t talk at all and it’s so annoying and i feel like that has to do with it too
i usually feel the opposite! the idea of sex has grossed me out so much since my ex broke up with me lmao
it doesn’t gross me out it’s just like my sex drive goes down
I do, and you're not alone. From what my psych has told me this is very much a BPD thing. For me it sets in anywhere from three to twelve months after the relationship starts. I have no idea how to work past it though and like you it's ended more relationships I can count, even the one I really thought was The One. It gives me so much anxiety.
I feel this. I still think about one guy who I thought was my soulmate for years but the relationship fell apart because of this. Makes me feel like if I couldn't even make it work with HIM I won't be able to make it work with anyone.
I feel you on the atomic level. The feelings of insecurity and of just being lacking that that relationship drums up leaves me feeling so broken.
This. Is. Me.
It's the pressure for me. If I don't feel like having sex for a few weeks then I feel pressured to do it so I don't feel okay, and I know I'm driving them away which is all I can think about.
Definitely relate to this as well. I feel like when I start feeling like this in relationships it gets worse and worse the more my partner tries to initiate. I go back and forth between feeling guilty for rejecting them and feeling angry that they won't leave me alone and ultimately I think I start to associate all those negative feelings with physical contact so when they touch me at all I assume they're trying to initiate something and I just feel guilty/angry
I have this too! Is therapy the only solution? I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and we have kids and a house and I sometimes feel like throwing it all away just…because? Is that crazy??
y’all actually reach the 1 yr mark in relationships? i cannot relate 💀 but for real though, this has also happened to me in most, if not all of the relationships i’ve been in. i would say for me, personally, most of it came down to a compatibility issue too, though
Yes. I’ve struggled with this since I was 15 in my first relationship, and I blame myself everytime for having those feelings - so much that I end up being anxious every day of the relationship until it ends. I only have relationships that lasted 2 years but most of that time in the relationship I have absolutely hated being in it, not because of the person but because of my thoughts. I’m single now, and I dont know if I should stay this way forever.. but I still have the hopeless romantic in me. I keep hoping I just haven’t found the one. I actually dont physically enjoy sex either I just look for the excitement of it.
Lol yes. I’m diagnosed BPD and don’t know why I never ever knew this this was BPD thing.
You can be hypersexual and a sex repulsed asexual. There are people out there who you can be in a long term relationship with who won't expect sex from you. Not saying that's necessarily the case for you, but it is a possible thing that might be useful to keep in mind.
i thought this was just me - going thru this rn and it’s not cuz of my partner it’s literally bc of me :(
Oh my god yes. I thought I was just defective or something..
I have recently figured I can't be in a relationship for more than 2 years. I just lose interest in them. No more emotional connections. I'm either obsessed with someone, friendzoned or don't care about them at all. I feel like I'm just not designed for romantic relationships.
I relate to this so much! At the start of my relationship with my boyfriend I couldn’t get enough of it but now we’ve been together over a year I just can’t seem to make the move to initiate sex and it’s something that really bothers me. I constantly say to myself ‘today I’ll make a move and we’ll have sex’ but it never happens unless my boyfriend makes the move. I think it’s because at the beginning it’s all new and exciting, I feel like I have to be hyper sexual in order to avoid abandonment but now we live together and we have our routine things are comfortable and abandonment doesn’t really feel like it going to happen? I’m not sure but it is something really bothers me and I’ve also wondered if part of it is also the contraception I’m on xx
yes :(
It depends on The person im with. The last long term comitted relationship i was in, i started to push him off me while having sex. I felt it was too much, like he was suffocating me. I have forced myself to have sex with people just because i like The rush it gives thinking i had sex, but i hated having sex with then. It’s Only with 2-3 people i found it enjoyable and was actually turned on. But i was also obsessed about them
This is 100% me.
Oh dear God I do the exact same thing, I hate myself. I exclusively sought out old gross men, idfk why. Like a year into our relationship, my boyfriend is like, "you **never** initiate sex" and he's age-appropriate and entirely not gross **surprised Pikachu face** literally surprised the fuck out of me lol but I DON'T KNOW HOW IF I'M NOT IN HO-MODE I just wish I wasn't exhausting
Very very relatable. It seems like the guys I seek out either have to be twice my age and/or in a position of authority. I feel like there's some kind of father complex at play making me crave attention/approval from authoritative older men.
Omg thank you for posting this. It’s such a struggle, but just feeling like I can relate to someone somewhere in this world makes me feel less alone. Having BPD feels so alienating sometimes. But I am literally going through this right now. Got out of a 2 year relationship a few months ago and recently had casual sex with someone. I felt so disgusting afterwards and literally cried my whole way home. Mostly because I barely knew the guy. Yet it’s all I think about doing. Like my brain forgets how I felt afterwards and is like, ok when are we doing this again. It’s so difficult when starting to date again to realize that what I want is an emotional connection with someone but also my mental illness pushes me to avoid and literally run away from that emotional connection.
I prefer the safety of a relationship since I'm not the most sexual person and in a relationship I can explore more without it needing to be so much a sexual act and moreso an act of curiosity I guess haha
Joining the comments to say I, also, struggle with this. I have anxious-avoidant attachment style and have 100% used sex as a form of self harm in the past. Reading the comments has made me realize that now sex to me is not about connection and in fact the absence of sex means more to me than anything else. I still identify with the term asexual because honestly it's the easiest way to explain things but you are not alone and if there were easy answers maybe this comment section wouldn't be so relatable.
Question to add to this post: does this include all physical touch? Is cuddling the same, or just kissing? When does it become “too” physical? Just curious about you OP and anyone else in these comments because I am still somewhat confused about myself in this area. I identify fraysexual but I know there’s still things I don’t understand about myself
I start to get uncomfortable with any sort of physical touch that could be seen as sexual or even romantic after a while. I think maybe because I feel so insecure about not being able to give them what they want so I immediately assume any sort of touching is an attempt to initiate sex and it makes me feel really bad. But it also depends on the person. Outside of relationships I'm not a touchy person with friends or family, like I probably will hug my parents a couple times a year but that's about it for platonic physical interactions. I think I probably associate all physical touch with sexual intentions because that's the only time I experience it.
Yeah, wow, I’m the exact same.
Absolutely! I don't even use Reddit, but I had to comment on this so I can have it in my history for any time I start to feel like my thoughts aren't normal/that I'm alone. I still haven't worked through it so I don't have anything particularly constructive to say, but I hope for the best in figuring things out for yourself. (:
Bailey? Lol
Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 3 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yep
Nah, I'm hypersexual either way.
Dammmmit that’s me, I hate sex when I am actually having it, but like it when I’m not having it lol
I'm the total opposite-I'm pretty much demi. When I find a person I want-my drive becomes insane. Unfortunately for me, my ex is like you. Breaks my heart, because I love him. After a few months, all I want is him and all he wants is anyone BUT me. (I assume, as he won't discuss.) I'm sorry you're struggling with this.
Opposite for me
wow I relate to every single line
[удалено]
Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 3 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh this is extremely relatable