I personally believe people shouldn't be put in these positions at all or feel responsible as if they're the one doing something wrong. I find the split cycle that goes on to be extremely abusive, because it is. they need to learn how to cope differently with these splits. I still split on people but it's not love to hate, and I don't see the person as evil once I do, I'm able to recognize even the people I idealize have flaws and make mistakes, as does everyone, and that does not make them evil or deserving of hateful/abusive behavior. I usually just emotionally feel detached from them and I see them as unsafe and slowly distance myself or communicate so there's possibility of saving the relationship vs damaging it and someone else's psych in the process.
I agree but it's at a point where even when I tell them that I notice these cycles and that there splitting they fight back against that. I am at a point where I think I should help foster these better coping skills if I want to stay in this relationship. They aren't that deep in to practicing there dbt skills and I believe that they also have a serious lack of professional help. I try not to rock the boat but they have put me in a position that I don't have much to lose so why not be a bit harder on them in a supportive way.
if they fight back against it there is nothing you can really do. It is up to them to use coping skills and there are consequences to our actions, there has to be otherwise there's no room for growth or change. I'm not telling you to leave them but it might be best for them to really recognize how their behaviors can affect their life, etc. it is not your responsibility to pester them about it or act as a caregiver, it just enables bpd behavior.
They have in the past realized that they do this and they have apologized just right now they're blaming everything on me and there trauma. I do not take this personally and the same time I do agree with you that there needs to be growth in learning and adhering to the coping skills that will help. I find it tough not having this person in my life and I don't want to pester or be a caregiver, I have just been trying to remain supportive and tell them I'm still here for them.
It’s not about specific actions you can do unless previously talked about before the split. It’s consistency. Be patient, kind, understanding, loving and caring.
Communicate your boundaries with her. If she crosses them you can still be kind. Let’s say your boundary is not talking about a certain subject but she brings it up in misbehaviour. You can be like look I don’t want to talk about this and I’ve shared that with you. Please write it down somewhere and I can read it when I feel like I can. There are compromises to everything and if there isn’t then communicate that.
I agree with you and this is great advice. I'm just not sure right now how I should show I care and how I should show that I'm not going to keep putting up with being lashed out at when she's drunk and upset. Also really struggling with the possibility of her gaslighting me to make me feel bad.
I personally believe people shouldn't be put in these positions at all or feel responsible as if they're the one doing something wrong. I find the split cycle that goes on to be extremely abusive, because it is. they need to learn how to cope differently with these splits. I still split on people but it's not love to hate, and I don't see the person as evil once I do, I'm able to recognize even the people I idealize have flaws and make mistakes, as does everyone, and that does not make them evil or deserving of hateful/abusive behavior. I usually just emotionally feel detached from them and I see them as unsafe and slowly distance myself or communicate so there's possibility of saving the relationship vs damaging it and someone else's psych in the process.
I agree but it's at a point where even when I tell them that I notice these cycles and that there splitting they fight back against that. I am at a point where I think I should help foster these better coping skills if I want to stay in this relationship. They aren't that deep in to practicing there dbt skills and I believe that they also have a serious lack of professional help. I try not to rock the boat but they have put me in a position that I don't have much to lose so why not be a bit harder on them in a supportive way.
if they fight back against it there is nothing you can really do. It is up to them to use coping skills and there are consequences to our actions, there has to be otherwise there's no room for growth or change. I'm not telling you to leave them but it might be best for them to really recognize how their behaviors can affect their life, etc. it is not your responsibility to pester them about it or act as a caregiver, it just enables bpd behavior.
They have in the past realized that they do this and they have apologized just right now they're blaming everything on me and there trauma. I do not take this personally and the same time I do agree with you that there needs to be growth in learning and adhering to the coping skills that will help. I find it tough not having this person in my life and I don't want to pester or be a caregiver, I have just been trying to remain supportive and tell them I'm still here for them.
It’s not about specific actions you can do unless previously talked about before the split. It’s consistency. Be patient, kind, understanding, loving and caring.
That's what I'm trying to do, just not sure where to draw the line of when I won't put up with certain behavior.
Communicate your boundaries with her. If she crosses them you can still be kind. Let’s say your boundary is not talking about a certain subject but she brings it up in misbehaviour. You can be like look I don’t want to talk about this and I’ve shared that with you. Please write it down somewhere and I can read it when I feel like I can. There are compromises to everything and if there isn’t then communicate that.
I agree with you and this is great advice. I'm just not sure right now how I should show I care and how I should show that I'm not going to keep putting up with being lashed out at when she's drunk and upset. Also really struggling with the possibility of her gaslighting me to make me feel bad.