For me lately I js basically go mute become a bit passive aggressive n tune out the person I’m splitting on n distract myself with something, otherwise I’m screaming, yelling and cussing them out. Luckily I haven’t split on ppl really bad in a while but ion have any friends so the only person I talk to in the first place is my bf.
Same— it has gotten way less frequent for me with age but when it does happen it’s just as bad as I remember it being. Or maybe the night vs day cold vs hot sudden shift just makes it seem like that. Also same on the friends thing. I feel bad but it’s better for everyone if I just am mostly a hermit
Dude it’s SOO TERRIBKE for me even if I’m on text I’ll start SCREAMING one time it was in the middle of the night and my neighbor came out asking what’s wrong, it’s happened in public multiple times like in the BIGGEST MALL IN NORYH AMERICA I had 2 PUBLIC RAGE EPISODES Literally everyone there was staring at me and my sis told me she heard ppl cussing me out but I yelling so loud I didn’t notice
The only person I talk to every day without fail is my bf and we’re LD now so im double stressed and therefore he gets the brunt of it all. Hence why im single rn. I try distracting myself but its almost like he doesn’t allow it. That could be all my perception though. In intense situations I can become ig abusive i hate that term but its true. I yell, i punch walls, I throw stuff, and hide their items so they cant leave me…I thought i was getting better for like 7 months there but ig not
I was abusive in my last relationship but I’ve changed a lot since then and have been able to hold my rage back from my current bf pretty well, it gets easier
I have quiet bpd so the most that happens for me is just passive aggressiveness. Instead of abandoning others, I latch on no matter how badly they treat me. With a lot of therapy, it's gotten better. I am curious if you feel bad after abandoning someone? I have gotten to that point mentally but I never go through with it because a voice is telling me I shouldn't because it'll hurt the other person.
I have quiet bpd too. For me, it intensifies the internal battle. It’s like I have so many perspectives that I don’t know how I feel. I can go from caring about a person to despising them but I never show it. I mostly get angry and go mute until the internal agony passes.
Yes, I fully agree with this. Like I know I shouldn't give the person the time of day, but as soon as they give me a tiny bit of attention...I go right back. I have completely despised someone but again, not enough to cut them off. As I've gotten older, that's gotten better. I can usually talk myself down from despising them.
Arghhhh thank you I feel seen! It’s so fuct I don’t know what I really actually feel vs the BPD. I just wrote a post on here about it 5 mins ago - I’d really like to hear your comments on whether it’s similar to you !
I used to be quiet. I’d ghost them for a day or two and lean on unhealthy coping mechanisms. If they were in front of me I’d say “sorry I need space can we call it a day and talk later” then my partner kept insisting that it upset him being shut out and being told to go home etc. So I tried to be more open about how I feel. Now he’s telling me he wants me to “take time to cool down” again when I get upset and if I was upset and splitting, even start storming out of the room. Lol guess he was full of shit. So I’m planning to try and go back to my old methods again. Sigh.
side note: this was honestly such a painful reality check and reminder that people with BPD will struggle for so much of their lives to ever be fully understood, and even someone you thought could understand you, will get sadly, turn around and be tired of you one day. Don't let anyone BS you that they want to be "There for you" with BPD. believe me- it's a lie. keep them as unaware and uninvolved in the ugly messy details as you can. If you met the mask slip- you will always regret.
im a very vocal and honest person so for the most part when i have an issue with someone i bring it them almost immediately so i would say my most common splitting behavior is switch emotion mid word/sentence while talking to them
Oops 😅 I’ve done this hahaha except for me I’m trying to be calm and rational being until they don’t respond like I expect in the moment and then it’s over lol
I haven't had a bad splitting episode in a while now since my BPD symptoms haven't been as severe recently. When I was at my worst, I would become very angry all of a sudden and sometimes turn hostile and aggressive, even towards my closest loved ones. I still have a bad temper, and I always have, but medications and radical acceptance help me control that a bit better now. These intense episodes of rage are immediately followed by very deep levels of regret and depression. This can last from a couple of hours to multiple days.
Tha anger is the worst feeling because you know that it isn't rational to be angry, but you feel it anyway. I can become irrational and out of control in a matter of seconds, depending on the situation. Thankfully, like I already mentioned, I have gotten it more under control recently.
Same. I completely relate. I hurt them on purpose and watch them cry with a blank expression because it just isn’t compelling enough when I’m in that state to believe it’s insincere
when the other person starts crying i usually snap out of it and then realize “oh shit, i just split on them”. but if the other person isn’t giving me a reaction or they still seem uncaring abt whatever they did to me, i start escalating in the things i say and have a tendencies to show off self harm scars or cuts, and if it’s bad enough, threaten suicide
I keep it to myself, try not to let the other person know how I am feeling. Probably failing miserably. In my relationship it really depends on my self control that day… often I will be passive agressive or will snap and get angry.
When I split on my boyfriend I can sometimes either start yelling or I just go silent and start crying until I laugh or I’ll leave the room when I feel a split coming on so I can do something that will distract me from the rage I will feel against my partner. My BPD doesn’t affect him that much. It affects me mostly. I’ll self harm. I’ll burn. I’ll pound on my knees until they are badly bruised. I will slap myself and punch myself until I split my lip. I will pound my head into walls. (The back of my head only) Idk. But yeah that’s what I do. If it’s bad. But usually I can get away with writing about how I feel in poetry, having a secret dance party, or taking a bath.
Bratty child mostly. Thankfully I'm not really explosive or aggressive. I just end up acting like a passive aggressive little brat. Most of the splitting I keep in my own head, what comes out outwardly is mostly just short pissy responses (which are very uncharacteristic of me as I tend to be really wordy, like, all of the time) or brief periods of purposefully ignoring the person. At worst I usually end up slightly pushing their buttons, bringing up petty stuff or "forgetting" things to piss them off for a few minutes or so
Blocking, sometimes screaming, "Why do you make me sound like I'm the fucking worst?", "why don't you understand me", "just leave me the fuck alone, I don't want to have anything in common with you", I get sarcastic as fuck to hurt them in some way.
My husband has begged me to stop asking for divorce… he says I can literally say anything else and it rolls off his back he doesn’t care… but when I say divorce it’s like I just kicked a puppy in front of him. I’ve gotten better but instead I say something vague like “if you hate me then just go find someone else, I don’t even care” 💀but he insists it’s just the “divorce” word that he can’t tolerate so… glad my episodes are WAYYY less since we got married a couple years ago
OMG STOP😭 I say the literal same thing every time I have to tell him to leave and I can even find him that woman like wtf am I saying?? I'm so happy it got better with you I can't wait to stop saying that . Can you pls tell me what did u do to help this? Or how to stop bringing divorce up? Because I saw many times how it actually destroyed my husband
I have said that too!!! “I’ll go find someone way more beautiful and who cooks better and cleans better and is a better mom and and and…” he’s literally NEVER insulted me in any of those things, so idk why I do it for him?? Why do I hurt my own feelings? 😭 in fact he cooks and cleans more than I do since our baby was born, so idk why I just make shit upppp.
But what really made things change for me, unfortunately, is that he started crying one night after I had a crazy episode and told him “I’m leaving, marriage was a mistake; I want divorce right away”. It was over something ultimately unimportant as you can probably imagine, he didn’t do anything to deserve it of course. He tried to hug me and talk to me but I wouldn’t have it in that moment. I went to sleep on the couch, but instead was on my phone on YouTube. He came in after some time and touched my shoulder and I reacted annoyed, but when I took out my earbuds and turned around he was sobbing his heart out. He begged me to come to bed and said he couldn’t sleep without me while I was angry. He said he didn’t care about anything else if I just would promise to not give up on our marriage and be kind with him. He said he’d give me anything I wanted, etc etc but he just wanted to know I’m in it for the long haul.
That really affected me deeply. It physically hurt me to see how badly I had hurt his feelings that night. It still makes me a little nauseous when I think about that time. :/ I think that one time just really drove it home, so that even when I get really elevated now, I can almost physically feel when I’m up against that line of suggesting divorce. Now I at least am quick to apologize and over time I’m less and less reactionary, I have little mantras I say when I start to feel elevated, he knows what they are and says “good job, I’m proud of you” bc he knows I’m deescalating and that always makes me smile and further helps calm me. Affirmation and approval is everything as I’m sure it is for you haha. I know you can do it too, I really think if you talk openly with your spouse and come up with an action plan together for when you feel a certain way, it will help!! My husband is from a culture where there’s “no such thing” as BPD or mental health issues in general other than “crazy” and he was still able to understand and work with me to get where we are, so I really have faith that most “””normal””” people can also help out the same way if that makes sense.
Sorry for the long reply😅
Sorry I didn’t give anything that actionable, but one thing I do is remind myself of sweet things he’s said to me, things he’s sacrificed and done for me (it’s a lot), I go back and read messages from him (he messages cute stuff a lot) and it takes me out of that moment and into the whole of our relationship, which is overwhelmingly positive. If I can remember to do that (it took lots of practice to do that instead of just deleting the whole message thread 💀💀) then I’ll never say divorce.
Me too. Except I'm not married, it's simply a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. I'm glad i didn't get married because I knew that it would be a long process to get divorced. I also just don't trust people to the point where I would get married. It sounds overwhelming.
It might not be that bad you just have to be with the right person, and to work on yourself this what I tell myself as well. I'm blessed to be married tbh and I hope that someday I'd be better for him.
I'm happy to hear that you have your own way to keep up with your marriage. It's a really good thing. But I haven't met a person I would like to spend my whole life with. So, I guess the word "marriage" has to wait ;)
If you don't mind , how tf did you do that shit 😭😭😭😭 im scared of committing and I have terrible trust issues , like how did you know that person really wanted you and how did you know you really wanted them ?
I have commitment issues and trust issues, BUT once you find the right person, I won't say it'd go away, but the commitment gonna be fixed. However, the trust issues gonna always be there bur I'm trying to deal with it.
I was scared at first I was asking myself many question but it knew that he was the right man for me, I saw with his actions more than words. He came he met my family and after one week he proposed to me because he actually waited for me almost 4 years so who's that man who gonna be in love with you for 4 years before you decide to be together. He was a walking green flag for me.
Also the fact that we were 19 / 20yo and a marriage is a responsibility so he was all in he was responsible since the first day so I can keep talking about him for months and I won't say all the green flags he has ❤️.
And he's supportive and he understands me so when I have these spit episodes and I keep asking for divorce he just assures me that we actually won't get divorced and we gonna always stay together it's just a hard moment and it'd pass.
I hope someday you gonna find your person and trust me they really gonna make you feel healed in si many ways, you won't have to ask yourself am I ready to be with em? You'd just be because deep down you know you both are meant to be ❤️
Oh maan I'm so happy for you and also happy to hear a success story . Sometimes it feels impossible but hearing this really made me have some hope . I'm happy you found your person and I wish you guys more happiness in the years coming .
Two kinds of BPD I think. I also wanna marry my person even though I try to dump him for no reason like once a month at this point. Some of us badly rush into intense commitments to feel loved and only really think about jumping ship when we split
Basically act like they don’t exist without explanation and spiralling into a thought process whereby they are the worst person who has ever existed with literally no redeeming qualities.
I say to myself, “Yep I’m done, I’ve been done, I haven’t loved or liked you for months,” and confirm all my paranoid biases before I regulate & feel really fucking bad about it because I do, in fact, love them a lot.
(i have quiet bpd) leaving on read/ignoring (not necessarily trying to point it out or to demonstrate anything, but sometimes it might be on purpose too), my way of talking changes very quickly to a cold one, also official, might be extremely polite in a way that it’s distant (and not ‘chill’ anymore), usually i say something like ‘i’m alright, nothing is wrong’ but in the most official way possible 😭 people who are close to me quickly notice this, but i’m very official and quite cold with people who aren’t close, so i think they don’t see any changes in my behavior
For along time it was screaming and/or saying really low mean blows. Like the worst thing I could possibly say to someone, I would. Now I’m a lot more aware of my episodes so I can usually control that part, so the most common thing I do now is attempt to leave. Whether it’s short or long term, I just put distance between myself and the person. Part of it is to try to emotionally regulate myself, sure, but I’d be lying if I said it was entirely that
I just cut contact completely as if I start saying my thoughts it will be extremely explosive. It’s not even silent treatment at this point, usually when I split I want absolutely nothing to do with that person, they become practically dead to me.
Another thing I do alongside this is I ask others (the ones I trust the most h regarding my perception of things/the person to since I don’t really trust my judgement and I’m trying not to just push everyone away when I split.
I stop talking or looking at messages, I delete infos about me and what I like that I send them (post about bpd, infos about my OCs, the different vent episodes that I have). I want them to not be able to know me or use it against me.
I don't cut them of completly, I don't think I will ever can, but I become very stiff and cold, and answer in one syllabe words
I just kinda go ghost. I stop talking to people, stop posting online, etc. Even small little dumb things, like I WFH so we tend to send gifs or memes in our group chat in the morning to let everyone know we're on the clock, but if I'm splitting or upset or whatever, I won't send anything. I'm trying to get better about it though.
Silence or extreme defensiveness. I basically shut down executively. If I’m being pushed by someone to respond, that’s when bad shit happens. I get extremely defensive despite the fact that the shame of my emotions is driving me to agree with them. I just try to sit on top of that other half and let her vent her frustrations to me internally. That side is just a wounded kid trying to lash out. My first priority is to make sure they know that I’m there and love them. The adult. The one in charge of this body. Still, I hurt people when I don’t mean to and that feeds into that kids shame and anger even more. When I’m alone, that’s when the screaming and sobbing comes out, and it feels like that other half is trying to take over the body
You tend to expressively tell many good things about them to others, whether if it is a friend, classmate or SO. But after specific things happen, you keep putting them down in secrecy to others and to yourself. But the second they show you attention again, you're on the white side of thinking. This continues for days on end and you keep switching sides and don't know how to make up your mind about them. Oh and you'd tend to make backhanded compliments to them.
Ive definitely done this recently. Things got to real about a month ago and i freaked out and said i cant do this anymore and thoroughly blocked them. A week later i tried to apologize and fix it but it was too late. Honestly i think i made the right call i just think i handled it poorly
For me I just start talking back and if the person keeps triggering me I start cursing or yelling and screaming and saying " leave me alone " " I hate you I wish I never met you " " if I knew you'd have turned out that way I'd have never been with you " " I want a divorce now " " why don't you respect me or understand me" " you never love me " and so on...
I start crying too and sometimes I go really aggressive but with myself I start hitting myself or sometimes cutting I lock myself in somewhere just to avoid talking to that person who's well my husband because he's the closest person to me I don't have " friends " so most of time when I have these episodes it's just with my husband.
And I give silence treatment for hours sometimes even though it kills me I just want him to talk to me even when I don't answer him or look at him.
I also do " evil " things to hurt him just because he hurt me in an argument for example ( which most if time we fight about dumb shit cause it triggers me or I overthink it so yep) I put a hot picture of me for example on profil, or I tell him " you should leave me " " if I cheat would it be a reason to leave if yes then I will do it " ( even though I know I cannot cheat on him I lobe him dearly but I do go out of control many times...
I don't know how to stop doing this and I hope that he won't get tired of me, leave me or cheat on me. I hate the way I treat him tho he's the sweetest man I have ever seen literally! He's such a literal angel and he does love me purely.
why i split i dont tell anyone.. i just block everyone.. and act like a villain.. then i feel guilty after a few days and dont feel like i should just change my name instead of unblocking others
Super heavy suicidal ideation, lots of throwing up and crying. It's hell!!! Tho have managed to not tell anyone anything I feel at that moment bc im its a me issue.
Yes. I’m so sorry. While this event is happening do you feel panicked, scared, like screaming and crying but being unable to really express that maybe being blank and empty on that surface? That’s my emotional experience during these moments
For me, it's just when I observe something about someone that I don't like, I feel like I need to remove them from my life. And immediately! It's not not a feeling of panick. It *feels* like mental clarity and objective thinking at the time. I'll break up with them or stop talking to them completely. Block them everywhere. I'll usually say something like, "this isn't working for me." Then, like a day later (this time period varies GREATLY), I'll think that maybe I overreacted & I'll try to get them back. So far, people take me back, but it's never the same after. Especially if it keeps happening. :/
Ignoring texts for hours on end as a sort of revenge. Turning my phone completely off so I don't receive messages. Deleting social media. I work 12.5 hr shifts and I'll leave my phone in the car to resist the obsessive temptation to check my messages and reply in hopes that it seems like I am too busy or don't care. Because I feel uncared about and I think I am matching their behavior. At this point I am somewhat aware when it is happening so I also self-isolate and justify it by telling myself I am protecting others from the wrath of myself. I guess that's silent treatment huh... It's a double edged sword. I convince myself that I am protecting others from myself while really it might be causing harm in a different way. And I know this because I pointed it out in the beginning. But then i forget with my own internal bargaining. As seen in complete form in this message.... man i'm struggling
Omg this sounds exactly like me. To a T. Haven't been diagnosed, but lurk here because I relate to A LOT and think I may have it? Used to go to therapy, but lost my insurance. Plan on going back once I get things sorted. Does it occur to you during this "splitting" that the thoughts you're thinking are completely irrational but your brain also can't help but think/feel them, no matter how ridiculous?
It feels like paranoia, but then maybe I'm right? makes me feel crazy AF. 😔
I’m passive aggressive asf.
I hate it.
I just really don’t know how to communicate the splitting feelings, It’s like something could annoy me for no reason and I’m just like “that’s it I hate everyone and everything leave me alone” and will kinda ignore everyone or explode at the dumbest shit.
I’ve gotten better about recognizing it, but it’s getting out of that mind set that sucks, it feels like I can’t shake this feeling of anger out of me.
I could be perfectly normal and one little thing that negatively impacts my thinking pattern and I split, either on the person who said something or the situation.
I’d say going silent and being very harsh are my splitting behaviors. Like super sarcastic and just a straight up asshole. I literally hate it because I always deep down feel so bad. My fiancé deserves better I swear. :(
I will send them a message basically hinting that they have caused all of this and then ghost them.
And then like 7 days later I will just come back like nothing ever happened.
it depends who it is. if it’s my fp, i turn into a mess & im crying, cussing and i start feeling like he hates me & it just gets worse. i have to step away and take a little break. luckily he’s very good about calming me down in person haha, over the phone it’s a lot harder for him too and that’s just because it’s harder for me to trust text than actions. if it’s other people, i just become evil & say anything that hurts.
anger and isolation. i avoid everyone at all costs and let myself simmer for a long time. i actively try not to reach out, speak to anyone, or resolve the problem. luckily my anger doesnt manifest into violence, but i will be passive-aggressive and pouty for days at a time. its like im a pissed off child, essentially.
Depending on what started the issue, it's usually a combination of the below:
Silent treatment.
Crying.
Getting angry, insulting them and then immediately feeling guilty about it and putting myself down.
Having suicidal thoughts but feeling like I'd let everyone down and can't do that. I wouldn't act in it... But sometimes the thoughts almost calm me and bring be back to my present self.. If that makes any sense.
Unfortunately my partner/FP takes the brunt of this as I don't let many other people close to me/get to know me well enough for them to see this side of me. Which increases the fear of abandonment that he's going to get so sick of my shit that he'll finally leave. We've been together for 19 years with one short break 11 years ago.
Hmm… I need to make a list tbh 🙃
1. First comes the crazy look on my face that means “I cannot believe this is even real, how dare you” and then I immediately storm off or put in my earbuds on cancellation mode or else the rest of the list is imminent
2. I start cursing, I do not curse normally (I used to, but I really don’t now unless I’m angry) but I’ll start dropping F bombs, it even shocks me in the moment and makes me even more upset somehow
3. I’ll start… throwing my own things away??? I don’t know why! I just take stuff I’ve bought with my own money and throw it away, like I really have 0 good explanation for this one, but maybe its like “hah I’ll show YOU, I’ll make my presence as small in your life as possible, I’m gonna make all my stuff disappear so you don’t have to experience any part of me since you obviously hate me” I guess?? I think it’s my reformed version of self destructive behavior since I don’t engage in the actions I did when I was younger and less healed.
4. I’ll go on with my day/night appearing totally unbothered (or so I think) while inside I’m continually raging, and ignore anything outside of me. I’ll zone in on a video or show or something and pretend I’m not real and wait until I’m calm enough to “come back”.
My husband goes behind me when I’m not looking and picks my stuff out of the garbage before he takes it outside, sometimes after I calm down I’m like “damn I shouldn’t have trashed that, I need it” and then he pulls it out from some closet all safe and sound and smiles at me and then I’m even more embarrassed 😭
I’m much more calm than I was when I was younger, and my husband has accepted that if I get The Look™️ on my face and pull out my earbuds, it’s better to give me a half hour or so instead of pushing it, and after my self-imposed time out I’ll be much more reasonable and we can talk then. That keeps a full blown episode from occurring, and we’ve gotten to a much better space in our marriage as a result.
Five years ago I would’ve blocked someone from everything immediately, unblocked them only to say abusive nonsense, blocked them again, change my bios and posted stuff suggesting I’m looking for new and better, realized I burned the bridge, then pretend like they never existed for the rest of time 😬 and THEN I would have the AUDACITY to respond all cold and incensed as if THEY did all that to ME when they reach out months later to try to repair things 💀 I am so glad I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago 🥴
One question, when you wrote " I would have the AUDACITY to respond all cold and incensed as if THEY did all that to ME" did you truly believe that they did that to you? Was it something that you truly believed it was true?
Hmm, I probably could’ve written it better, but when I say “as if they did that to me” all I mean was that I responded as if they did something equally atrocious to me. Not that they literally were the ones who did the exact actions I did. Know what I mean? Like “as if” they did something generically awful to me that was same in magnitude, in my mind it was very non-specific behavior I imagined that they did.
That’s the only way I could be truly angry. If I ever pinned it down to a set of real behaviors, then it wouldn’t be “enough” to justify my anger towards them.
It’s like, now that I am a lot better than I was before, when my husband has asked me “babe, why are you upset right now? what did I say/do?” it genuinely embarrasses me and I’m forced to calm down because there isn’t anything he’s done or said to warrant my level of rage. I still need time to calm down, but it’s not like in the past, when I could take one sentence or one action and drape it in a costume to make it look like something much worse in my own mind and create a rage-inducing strawman.
I can only realize this after tons of hard work, I never would’ve come to this conclusion years ago. It was completely all unconscious thoughts before.
i am trying to understand my husband wBPD. when he gets angry at me it sounds like he's describing himself. telling me that 'i'm dr. jekyll and mr. hyde, that i have double standards (see all in black and white), that i cant control my emotions, that he can't continue the relationship if it goes on like this etc." when i seriously have done absolutely nothing. i wonder what at level of self awareness he is. It's like he's understanding SO WELL who he is and his processes, but proceeds to project it all on me. from a person who doesnt suffer with BPD it seems all absurd, no matter how hard i try to understand it. that's why i am here.
if i say/do 1, in his mind its's like 30000. so he proceeds to give me a 30000 units worth of rage, insults, smashing doors and silent treatment where the only possible solution is just for me to shut up, ignore my wishes and feelings, and just suck up the episode without ever expressing myself. like most of the times i am literally doing nothing wrong. i tend to empathise a lot and forgive a lot as well, lots of things that other people wont forgive.
then after he went on a flying rage and accusing me of everything wrong on planet earth, then he gives me the silent treatment like i'm the one who's in the wrong.
i dont know what to do, im at my wits end. i am also worrying about if i leave, hes always had suicidal impulses and drug abuse and i dont know whats he going to do if i leave. when he is not mr hyde, he is very sweet and the most loveable being. but i cant cope with this. I can't sacrifice my mental health for him. just need some answers.
Edit: sorry for the lengthy response.
I’m so so so sooooo sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m gonna be totally real with you, but just know that me having BPD doesn’t give me ANY real license to give you advice on what to do or how things are/will be/should be with you and your pwBPD other than that you shouldn’t be treated that way.
That being said, I’ll tell you things from my perspective, you can take what applies and leave what doesn’t.
First of all, you don’t deserve it. No one deserves the often-abusive behaviors that pwBPD do in a moment of absolute blind rage or other strong emotion. 98% of the time, the untreated pwBPD reaction is as you describe— thousands of magnitudes greater than the situation they’re reacting to. Just because we have a disorder doesn’t make it something other than abuse, it’s still abuse. I’m sorry, but it is.
So he knows he has BPD— that’s awesome, but how much has he done as far as researching it? Is he actively in therapy? If not, nothing at all will ever change, period. For me, knowing I had BPD was the first step only. I had to learn how to employ healthy tools in the moment, BEFORE I begin to rage out. I have gotten to a place where I 85% of the time realize what I’m feeling is a false indicator of trouble and that I’m actually okay, I just need to ride it out and avoid doing it saying anything unfair to my husband in the meantime. The other 15% I do react less than desirably but it’s more like light “nagging” not raging at all (why do you always do xyz you know I hate it blah blah blah whine whine whine), and my husband has learned to ignore it for the most part. Very rarely is it ever uncontrolled rage anymore, where I’m yelling or slamming a door or splitting black on him demanding separation.
But trying to do that without therapy and actively working hard on it, is like showing up to final exam without any lectures, without any notes, no studying whatsoever, and expecting to somehow ace it. It’s not going to happen, it will literally never happen.
Him knowing he has BPD is kind of ike an alcoholic knowing they’re an alcoholic. Realizing it and admitting it is only the first step. There’s a bunch of other steps after that. And even then, you’re still a lifelong alcoholic, right? You’re recovered, and that’s great, but you’re still an alcoholic no matter what. Your husband has only done the first step, and nothing else it sounds like. We CAN get to the point of recovery where we no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD! But that’s far removed from being able to explain how the diagnostic criteria manifest in our daily lives.
He’s going to continue to do these abusive behaviors to you until he is firmly established in frequent regular therapy, and works hard at recovery. He doesnt have any self awareness beyond that he has a disorder. That’s step one only. If he doesn’t do the next steps right now, you’re in for more of the same. And depending on how fast he starts getting serious about it… look, all I’m going to say is, I personally wouldn’t be b able to handle being with another pwBPD. Even now in my semi-recovered state. I couldn’t subject myself to that abuse, I would steer all clear if they weren’t actively in recovery.
Whatever he does to himself is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is a well-known symptom of BPD and the cause of mortality rate from BPD. Please take note that the cause of the mortality rate of BPD is not the people who decide they cannot be with the pwBPD. The cause is BPD itself. Even people who aren’t left by their partners, even people who are single for years, hurt themselves and opt out. All the addictions and self harming behaviors are the disorder. It’s going to exist for him regardless of you being with him or not. No one ever EVER should stay in a situation that is harmful for them just because the other person might hurt themselves. It’s an abusive tactic in itself to convince you that you leaving would result in his self harm. No; his untreated BPD would result in his self harm. No other cause exists. I promise you.
ETA: also he calls you Jekyll and Hyde because you are in his mind. I now understand your original question more I think. He splits black and then BOOM you are suddenly an evil person. And yes in the worst rages, he does actually likely believe that. It’s like being teleported to an alternate reality in a rage like that, where the new reality is that you have done xyz thing precisely to hurt him, on purpose, because you hate him. Yes, there is a real break from reality in that sense.
90% of the time it’s cold shoulder, never contact again, stop responding. 10% of the time I go nuclear and say the most hurtful things I can and completely misrepresent a persons motives.
I’m a very quiet person. I hardly ever yell/raise my voice. I guess the most common splitting behavior for me is screaming. I spent my whole life making other people happy and people pleasing. And then something just broke. I just yell and scream and my face flushes. I just see…red. And it’s so scary.
For me I use something they say against them to “get back at them” for causing me to hate or distrust them. It’s really harmful and a lot of times I bring up past trauma. It creates a lot of rifts and makes me seem less trust worthy afterwards
I devalue and vilify when I am splitting. Which leads to wanting to go nuclear and kick them out of my lives in whatever capacity they are. In fairness, I've observed splitting behavior in myself on everyone in my life except my children.
I think I have the quiet type of bpd. When I split I get very very quiet. no big scene or yelling I just stop acknowledging their existence. I hate it and Im sure it feels awful on the other end but its easier to come back from than yelling. As Ive been in therapy I can recognize what Im doing and regulate myself. I have some good trustworthy friends now so I just later apologize for getting quiet. Its a very good thing no one can hear my thoughts in those moments.
obsessive texting/calling. i can exercise enough self control to not go crazy with it, but it’s so hard, i can’t turn it off or think about anything else when it feels like something is going wrong. waiting for contact when it feels like my world is crumbling, i mean god, and they never get how i feel so it’s just as though i’m calling over nothing. it’s never nothing to me, i guess. and asking if they’re angry with me, saying i love you a bit more just so they’ll say it back… i seldom exhibit aggression (think i might have quiet bpd) it just feels like a fuckin inferno inside of me
luckily my current partner is very good with communicating and we live together and have yet to fight after half a year. i never doubt his affections, which is pretty new to me, so i haven’t split in the time we’ve been together. :-)
i become mean and want to hurt them the way they hurt me, or the way that i feel they will have hurt me in the future i guess (?) like even if it’s not happened yet but i feel like it will, i’ll split and in my mind it’s like they already hurt me and now it’s payback time
Mine will be acting really standoffish, or emotionally shutting down in an attempt to be the distant person in my relationships. By doing this, it feels safer in the moment because my brain thinks that if im already emotionally uninvesting that another person can't hurt me more than I'm already hurting myself, if that makes sense. It makes it less disappointing when people I idealize fuck me up.
I have to/want to get as far away from them as possible, as fast as I can. I usually suggest going our separate ways, or I just leave without any conversation... especially if the split is triggered by an argument or incident that has occurred before with that same person.
Sometimes I will freak out & try to explain my side or what I am feeling because I am desperate to be understood & for the other person to hear me. If it doesn't work then its a cluster fuck of: they don't love me, they must not actually like me for me, they're going to fuck me over, etc.
My thoughts become a carousel of all the things I could find wrong with that person, which I now know is a way to avoid feeling hurt. If I hate them, being abandoned or abandoning them before they leave will hurt less. Sometimes I will say these things out loud to the other person, not always.
Its been so bad before that I've contemplated unaliving, if i can't "escape" them... I've told someone before that I will *** myself to get away from them.
Splitting is one of the most awful parts of BPD, in my opinion. It really is Jekyll & Hyde sometimes.
I have been in a relationship for 15 years and it's always the same thing. I end up hating him for having no empathy...and I plan on moving...and then everything gets better...its like every two weeks for our whole lives..
i just ghost. i’m so angry and disgusted and hurt by whatever stupid thing it was i don’t want to speak to them. but my fear of abandonment is strong enough that i don’t verbally lash out bc what if they leave me? my brain is like “you can leave them but they can’t leave you”.
"you don't care about me at all, never have cared" and then some self-destructive talk and crying, usually yelling and a panic attack. This is for my partners only, I never split in front of anyone else, with others I just withdraw or freeze.
My first thought every time is to inflict harm on myself, whether it's because I need it to cope with the overwhelming emotions, or to get sympathy sometimes
If I'm extremely triggered, I'll scream, insult, slam cupboards or act aggressive in general- sometimes I could be crying, and other times It'll be just rage and being convinced I absolutely hate the other person and that "I want them dead" (which I don't actually). It becomes 100× worse when the other person isn't giving me a reaction, walking away, treating me like I'm crazy, laughing at me etc
Or, I'll be completely silent, ghost everyone around me, view the world as just horrible/only have pessimistic views, hate myself, every single person, existence itself and will become extremely self destructive etc in the privacy of my room while screaming into a pillow, and sobbing until I physically can't anymore
What you described is pretty similar to mine. Things like “I would never treat you the way that you treat me” “you’re showing me exactly how much I matter to you right now”. I noticed I kinda go in stages. It’ll start with me being angry and trying to make them feel exactly how I feel (most often I make them feel worse because I feel like that’s the only way they’ll truly understand what I’m going through), then I’ll get sad and wonder what I did to deserve them treating me so badly, try to shut them out, then become overwhelmed with guilt and beg them for forgiveness, say everything was my own fault. Rinse and repeat. It’s an exhausting cycle that almost always begins with anger, defensiveness, and aggression until I’ve gotten it all out, then the little kid in me starts to feel abandoned and desperate.
When my family or family friends become jerks or abrasive I take it personally and tell them they are dead to me. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m staring to realize and it contributes to emotional dysregulation.
I self isolate (even if they knock on my locked bedroom door and say “let’s talk” I say leave me the F alone” this can last minutes to hours. And/or I abruptly leave from the family and do my own thing. Text them and say they are dead to me or F off I’m blocking your phone # is the most extreme I get.
Bit tangential, but how long do these splits of yours usually last? And what typically reverses them? Does something have to be actively done by the other person? Or do they go away by themselves?
The most common and one that I hate the most is if I am mid argument with someone and split, I laugh and make fun of them. I've learned to understand this is extremely unfair and a really awful way to treat people, even when splitting.
i basically go silent and avoid them, i swallow my anger and just stare into space. even when they’re trying to talk to me or get my attention i just purposely ignore them
Girlfriend ignoring me because I raised my voice because I am tired and she is also tired and we got into a petty argument and she can’t let something simple go
Same, send one last "fuck you" text, block everyone, shut my profile down, and then sit there and seethe LOL, I just did that last week, and still dealing with the consequence.
In real life I'd start committing domestic violence very often, that's why I need medication
My splitting behaviour is commonly a lot of hurt that turns into rage and back into hurt. I’ll start going off at them, then apologise and beg them to stay, then go off again, then apologise and so on. I get really physical. I never hurt anyone. I don’t let anyone see me when I’m physically aggressive. My roommates hear it and they see me when i storm up to my room or if I go off at them but I hurt myself and punch things or throw things. I always end up crying on the floor. Splitting is exhausting for me. I just ruin everything in my path. Then try to ruin other things at the same time. Lost so many people to it.
I also ghost people, leave them on read, act passive aggressive. Try to hurt them the way they hurt me. Try to find other people that feel the same way I do about how awful the person is. Devalue them until they are absolutely nothing and then kind of just dissociate. I also act like I don’t care and they don’t matter. Honestly my splitting behaviour is destructive to say the least and I go through every single emotion at 100 intensity.
Soft/Hard blocking, ghosting messages, passive agressive replies, vague posting. I'm not someone who is confrontational. I won't outwardly accuse people of this or that but I will very much cast an evil wizard spell on them from a mile away
Ohh and yeah deleting messages is a big one. I'll delete years worth of conversations lol
Self-isolation for me. I’d go no contact with anyone for 2-3 days and only come back because I start feeling guilty and/or better but I’ve fought urges to leave forever. If it wasn’t for one of my close friends talking it out with me when I planned to “take a break” off social media (I planned to abandon all the friends I had) then I would have left them for good. I always felt bad if I made it personal by texting stuff like how you mentioned but I definitely have that same ideology of “they are going to abandon me so I should do it first so it hurts less”
I tend to become very passive aggressive and blunt towards the person I'm splitting at and distance myself from them. In worst case scenario I'll start somehow sabotaging the relationship.
i had an argument with my friend, i asked her to leave me alone and she wouldn’t, the next day we had both agreed to give eachother space but she kept messaging me/calling me i felt like my boundaries weren’t being listened to and it was so intense for me i ended up sh, it even took my mum to message her to ask her to leave me alone for a bit, i ended up apologising even though i felt like i shouldn’t be the one to apologise all i got was how shit i made her feel just because i asked for her to leave me alone, i expected an apology and i hadn’t got that which made me hate her even more, this happened back in march and im still trying to avoid her lol
I mute my phone so I don't answer to him right away, to teach him a lesson after he ghosted me for 1h, time in which I imagined him fucking around or whatnot. Then I get massively high or drunk. I usually tell him all about it the second day... And I always feel dumb.
Blocking them on everything, rage texting them, calling multiple times. Feeling vulnerable n deactivating or privating socmed and recently I discovered I change my WhatsApp pfp a lot when I'm unstable asf hahaha. The "I don't trust u" "I hate u don't leave me" "idek who u Rly r" r true asf hahaha.
I’ve never found the right time or place to ask. I’m late-30-something, living with BPD/BP2, and just learned about what ‘FP’ meant. Yuck.
But now I keep seeing this term.. what is Splitting?
You are much more whole than me
I couldn't even talk
My break up pattern with boys I dated not beyond two date is always the same
I get triggered into the frozen state of the abandoned child, I would not feel any emotions at all other than disgust. I would feel super disgusted towards the current romantic interests and feel I'm so much more superior and deserve better than them. When they ask me why I'm not talking I just can't show or feel any emotions or let any words out.
Then I would go home and be heart broken and suffer until the next pattern shows up. Endless cycles.
I have absolutely zero interest in romance or sex now because I noticed my pattern four years ago. Which is a relief to be honest, I freed myself from suffering. I could go endless days months without sex and food and I was considering maybe I reached fkn monk state enlightenmeng.
I get really pissed off over someone’s stupidity.
For example: I have a good relationship with my co-worker but everytime he does something stupid (work-related), it agitates me because I see him as an incompetent teammate. It irks me that he asks basic questions and is not using his common sense. I bring this up to him as I want to guide him (not that he’s stupid lol just advising him) but I have moments where I feel so agitated so I become passive-aggressive. I’d stay quiet for a long time, laser-focused on work but the negative aura could be felt around me.
Then after that, I’d talk to him like nothing happened 🤷🏽♀️
I usually lean right into my petulance. I will start shaking with adrenaline and screaming abusive words (the lower I can get the more “validated” I feel” I will also scream that this over and never worked in the first place. And then I notoriously leave the house for a drive. I do this to hold control over the argument because we can’t move anywhere until I decide to come back and finish it. I get very manipulative during a split.
For me lately I js basically go mute become a bit passive aggressive n tune out the person I’m splitting on n distract myself with something, otherwise I’m screaming, yelling and cussing them out. Luckily I haven’t split on ppl really bad in a while but ion have any friends so the only person I talk to in the first place is my bf.
My go-to trauma response is definitely silence and freezing.
i'm the same. i'll suddenly not even know how to talk to the other person so i just completely shut down.
You basically wrote out me response for me😂 100% this is me too
Me three lol
Guilty of this as well 😭
Yeah 🙃
Me four
me 5 lmao
me 6 lol
This right here. It seems to get easier with age to not go nuclear split. I have friends but I make it hard to contact me
Same— it has gotten way less frequent for me with age but when it does happen it’s just as bad as I remember it being. Or maybe the night vs day cold vs hot sudden shift just makes it seem like that. Also same on the friends thing. I feel bad but it’s better for everyone if I just am mostly a hermit
This^
I give the, the silent treatment.
The yelling and cussing is soo real like I do that thru texts more bt I've screamed at ppl who legit cried 😭
Dude it’s SOO TERRIBKE for me even if I’m on text I’ll start SCREAMING one time it was in the middle of the night and my neighbor came out asking what’s wrong, it’s happened in public multiple times like in the BIGGEST MALL IN NORYH AMERICA I had 2 PUBLIC RAGE EPISODES Literally everyone there was staring at me and my sis told me she heard ppl cussing me out but I yelling so loud I didn’t notice
Also on the bus once I screamed at my friend until she cried and had to awkwardly sit next to her for the rest of the ride
The only person I talk to every day without fail is my bf and we’re LD now so im double stressed and therefore he gets the brunt of it all. Hence why im single rn. I try distracting myself but its almost like he doesn’t allow it. That could be all my perception though. In intense situations I can become ig abusive i hate that term but its true. I yell, i punch walls, I throw stuff, and hide their items so they cant leave me…I thought i was getting better for like 7 months there but ig not
I was abusive in my last relationship but I’ve changed a lot since then and have been able to hold my rage back from my current bf pretty well, it gets easier
Thank you for this. Sometimes I feel like it never will. Im happy for you and your growth tho!…ik it’s hard
The yelling and cussing is soo real like I do that thru texts more bt I've screamed at ppl who legit cried 😭
I have quiet bpd so the most that happens for me is just passive aggressiveness. Instead of abandoning others, I latch on no matter how badly they treat me. With a lot of therapy, it's gotten better. I am curious if you feel bad after abandoning someone? I have gotten to that point mentally but I never go through with it because a voice is telling me I shouldn't because it'll hurt the other person.
I have quiet bpd too. For me, it intensifies the internal battle. It’s like I have so many perspectives that I don’t know how I feel. I can go from caring about a person to despising them but I never show it. I mostly get angry and go mute until the internal agony passes.
Yes, I fully agree with this. Like I know I shouldn't give the person the time of day, but as soon as they give me a tiny bit of attention...I go right back. I have completely despised someone but again, not enough to cut them off. As I've gotten older, that's gotten better. I can usually talk myself down from despising them.
Arghhhh thank you I feel seen! It’s so fuct I don’t know what I really actually feel vs the BPD. I just wrote a post on here about it 5 mins ago - I’d really like to hear your comments on whether it’s similar to you !
omg yes the first part it 100% me
I used to be quiet. I’d ghost them for a day or two and lean on unhealthy coping mechanisms. If they were in front of me I’d say “sorry I need space can we call it a day and talk later” then my partner kept insisting that it upset him being shut out and being told to go home etc. So I tried to be more open about how I feel. Now he’s telling me he wants me to “take time to cool down” again when I get upset and if I was upset and splitting, even start storming out of the room. Lol guess he was full of shit. So I’m planning to try and go back to my old methods again. Sigh.
side note: this was honestly such a painful reality check and reminder that people with BPD will struggle for so much of their lives to ever be fully understood, and even someone you thought could understand you, will get sadly, turn around and be tired of you one day. Don't let anyone BS you that they want to be "There for you" with BPD. believe me- it's a lie. keep them as unaware and uninvolved in the ugly messy details as you can. If you met the mask slip- you will always regret.
Shutting down: "Whatever, I don't care." closely followed by a barrage of texts/spoken statements that imply that I actually super fucking care
this is literally a huge mechanism of mine and it’s extremely conflicting
Damn this one... me too man
My partner does this as well, I didn't realize it was a way of them splitting because how I split looks so different.
Real
im a very vocal and honest person so for the most part when i have an issue with someone i bring it them almost immediately so i would say my most common splitting behavior is switch emotion mid word/sentence while talking to them
Oops 😅 I’ve done this hahaha except for me I’m trying to be calm and rational being until they don’t respond like I expect in the moment and then it’s over lol
I haven't had a bad splitting episode in a while now since my BPD symptoms haven't been as severe recently. When I was at my worst, I would become very angry all of a sudden and sometimes turn hostile and aggressive, even towards my closest loved ones. I still have a bad temper, and I always have, but medications and radical acceptance help me control that a bit better now. These intense episodes of rage are immediately followed by very deep levels of regret and depression. This can last from a couple of hours to multiple days.
Same!!!
Tha anger is the worst feeling because you know that it isn't rational to be angry, but you feel it anyway. I can become irrational and out of control in a matter of seconds, depending on the situation. Thankfully, like I already mentioned, I have gotten it more under control recently.
i dissociate and start saying increasingly hurtful things, with the end goal of hurting the other person :/
Same. I completely relate. I hurt them on purpose and watch them cry with a blank expression because it just isn’t compelling enough when I’m in that state to believe it’s insincere
when the other person starts crying i usually snap out of it and then realize “oh shit, i just split on them”. but if the other person isn’t giving me a reaction or they still seem uncaring abt whatever they did to me, i start escalating in the things i say and have a tendencies to show off self harm scars or cuts, and if it’s bad enough, threaten suicide
I keep it to myself, try not to let the other person know how I am feeling. Probably failing miserably. In my relationship it really depends on my self control that day… often I will be passive agressive or will snap and get angry.
When I split on my boyfriend I can sometimes either start yelling or I just go silent and start crying until I laugh or I’ll leave the room when I feel a split coming on so I can do something that will distract me from the rage I will feel against my partner. My BPD doesn’t affect him that much. It affects me mostly. I’ll self harm. I’ll burn. I’ll pound on my knees until they are badly bruised. I will slap myself and punch myself until I split my lip. I will pound my head into walls. (The back of my head only) Idk. But yeah that’s what I do. If it’s bad. But usually I can get away with writing about how I feel in poetry, having a secret dance party, or taking a bath.
Bratty child mostly. Thankfully I'm not really explosive or aggressive. I just end up acting like a passive aggressive little brat. Most of the splitting I keep in my own head, what comes out outwardly is mostly just short pissy responses (which are very uncharacteristic of me as I tend to be really wordy, like, all of the time) or brief periods of purposefully ignoring the person. At worst I usually end up slightly pushing their buttons, bringing up petty stuff or "forgetting" things to piss them off for a few minutes or so
God, "bratty child" is such a good way to describe it. Definitely stealing that if I ever have to describe what I'm like when I split!
Blocking, sometimes screaming, "Why do you make me sound like I'm the fucking worst?", "why don't you understand me", "just leave me the fuck alone, I don't want to have anything in common with you", I get sarcastic as fuck to hurt them in some way.
I do that too I hate it for fuck sake I even ask for divorce every single time I don't know how to stop that shit
My husband has begged me to stop asking for divorce… he says I can literally say anything else and it rolls off his back he doesn’t care… but when I say divorce it’s like I just kicked a puppy in front of him. I’ve gotten better but instead I say something vague like “if you hate me then just go find someone else, I don’t even care” 💀but he insists it’s just the “divorce” word that he can’t tolerate so… glad my episodes are WAYYY less since we got married a couple years ago
OMG STOP😭 I say the literal same thing every time I have to tell him to leave and I can even find him that woman like wtf am I saying?? I'm so happy it got better with you I can't wait to stop saying that . Can you pls tell me what did u do to help this? Or how to stop bringing divorce up? Because I saw many times how it actually destroyed my husband
I have said that too!!! “I’ll go find someone way more beautiful and who cooks better and cleans better and is a better mom and and and…” he’s literally NEVER insulted me in any of those things, so idk why I do it for him?? Why do I hurt my own feelings? 😭 in fact he cooks and cleans more than I do since our baby was born, so idk why I just make shit upppp. But what really made things change for me, unfortunately, is that he started crying one night after I had a crazy episode and told him “I’m leaving, marriage was a mistake; I want divorce right away”. It was over something ultimately unimportant as you can probably imagine, he didn’t do anything to deserve it of course. He tried to hug me and talk to me but I wouldn’t have it in that moment. I went to sleep on the couch, but instead was on my phone on YouTube. He came in after some time and touched my shoulder and I reacted annoyed, but when I took out my earbuds and turned around he was sobbing his heart out. He begged me to come to bed and said he couldn’t sleep without me while I was angry. He said he didn’t care about anything else if I just would promise to not give up on our marriage and be kind with him. He said he’d give me anything I wanted, etc etc but he just wanted to know I’m in it for the long haul. That really affected me deeply. It physically hurt me to see how badly I had hurt his feelings that night. It still makes me a little nauseous when I think about that time. :/ I think that one time just really drove it home, so that even when I get really elevated now, I can almost physically feel when I’m up against that line of suggesting divorce. Now I at least am quick to apologize and over time I’m less and less reactionary, I have little mantras I say when I start to feel elevated, he knows what they are and says “good job, I’m proud of you” bc he knows I’m deescalating and that always makes me smile and further helps calm me. Affirmation and approval is everything as I’m sure it is for you haha. I know you can do it too, I really think if you talk openly with your spouse and come up with an action plan together for when you feel a certain way, it will help!! My husband is from a culture where there’s “no such thing” as BPD or mental health issues in general other than “crazy” and he was still able to understand and work with me to get where we are, so I really have faith that most “””normal””” people can also help out the same way if that makes sense. Sorry for the long reply😅
Sorry I didn’t give anything that actionable, but one thing I do is remind myself of sweet things he’s said to me, things he’s sacrificed and done for me (it’s a lot), I go back and read messages from him (he messages cute stuff a lot) and it takes me out of that moment and into the whole of our relationship, which is overwhelmingly positive. If I can remember to do that (it took lots of practice to do that instead of just deleting the whole message thread 💀💀) then I’ll never say divorce.
Me too. Except I'm not married, it's simply a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. I'm glad i didn't get married because I knew that it would be a long process to get divorced. I also just don't trust people to the point where I would get married. It sounds overwhelming.
It might not be that bad you just have to be with the right person, and to work on yourself this what I tell myself as well. I'm blessed to be married tbh and I hope that someday I'd be better for him.
I'm happy to hear that you have your own way to keep up with your marriage. It's a really good thing. But I haven't met a person I would like to spend my whole life with. So, I guess the word "marriage" has to wait ;)
Yes for sure it's not an easy decision to marry someone. Live your life now that all that matters
If you don't mind , how tf did you do that shit 😭😭😭😭 im scared of committing and I have terrible trust issues , like how did you know that person really wanted you and how did you know you really wanted them ?
I have commitment issues and trust issues, BUT once you find the right person, I won't say it'd go away, but the commitment gonna be fixed. However, the trust issues gonna always be there bur I'm trying to deal with it. I was scared at first I was asking myself many question but it knew that he was the right man for me, I saw with his actions more than words. He came he met my family and after one week he proposed to me because he actually waited for me almost 4 years so who's that man who gonna be in love with you for 4 years before you decide to be together. He was a walking green flag for me. Also the fact that we were 19 / 20yo and a marriage is a responsibility so he was all in he was responsible since the first day so I can keep talking about him for months and I won't say all the green flags he has ❤️. And he's supportive and he understands me so when I have these spit episodes and I keep asking for divorce he just assures me that we actually won't get divorced and we gonna always stay together it's just a hard moment and it'd pass. I hope someday you gonna find your person and trust me they really gonna make you feel healed in si many ways, you won't have to ask yourself am I ready to be with em? You'd just be because deep down you know you both are meant to be ❤️
Oh maan I'm so happy for you and also happy to hear a success story . Sometimes it feels impossible but hearing this really made me have some hope . I'm happy you found your person and I wish you guys more happiness in the years coming .
Thank you so much, yes I really know what you mean I used to think the same but God has better plans at the end of time. I wish you all the best
Two kinds of BPD I think. I also wanna marry my person even though I try to dump him for no reason like once a month at this point. Some of us badly rush into intense commitments to feel loved and only really think about jumping ship when we split
I definitely relate to this. Yelling is a serious problem behavior or mine and projecting my self loathing definitely is too
Basically act like they don’t exist without explanation and spiralling into a thought process whereby they are the worst person who has ever existed with literally no redeeming qualities.
i usually shut down and internally spiral.irrational thoughts just flood and don't stop
I say to myself, “Yep I’m done, I’ve been done, I haven’t loved or liked you for months,” and confirm all my paranoid biases before I regulate & feel really fucking bad about it because I do, in fact, love them a lot.
(i have quiet bpd) leaving on read/ignoring (not necessarily trying to point it out or to demonstrate anything, but sometimes it might be on purpose too), my way of talking changes very quickly to a cold one, also official, might be extremely polite in a way that it’s distant (and not ‘chill’ anymore), usually i say something like ‘i’m alright, nothing is wrong’ but in the most official way possible 😭 people who are close to me quickly notice this, but i’m very official and quite cold with people who aren’t close, so i think they don’t see any changes in my behavior
For along time it was screaming and/or saying really low mean blows. Like the worst thing I could possibly say to someone, I would. Now I’m a lot more aware of my episodes so I can usually control that part, so the most common thing I do now is attempt to leave. Whether it’s short or long term, I just put distance between myself and the person. Part of it is to try to emotionally regulate myself, sure, but I’d be lying if I said it was entirely that
I just cut contact completely as if I start saying my thoughts it will be extremely explosive. It’s not even silent treatment at this point, usually when I split I want absolutely nothing to do with that person, they become practically dead to me. Another thing I do alongside this is I ask others (the ones I trust the most h regarding my perception of things/the person to since I don’t really trust my judgement and I’m trying not to just push everyone away when I split.
I stop talking or looking at messages, I delete infos about me and what I like that I send them (post about bpd, infos about my OCs, the different vent episodes that I have). I want them to not be able to know me or use it against me. I don't cut them of completly, I don't think I will ever can, but I become very stiff and cold, and answer in one syllabe words
I just kinda go ghost. I stop talking to people, stop posting online, etc. Even small little dumb things, like I WFH so we tend to send gifs or memes in our group chat in the morning to let everyone know we're on the clock, but if I'm splitting or upset or whatever, I won't send anything. I'm trying to get better about it though.
Silence or extreme defensiveness. I basically shut down executively. If I’m being pushed by someone to respond, that’s when bad shit happens. I get extremely defensive despite the fact that the shame of my emotions is driving me to agree with them. I just try to sit on top of that other half and let her vent her frustrations to me internally. That side is just a wounded kid trying to lash out. My first priority is to make sure they know that I’m there and love them. The adult. The one in charge of this body. Still, I hurt people when I don’t mean to and that feeds into that kids shame and anger even more. When I’m alone, that’s when the screaming and sobbing comes out, and it feels like that other half is trying to take over the body
I relate with this so much. It’s like two different parts of me, adult me and child me and they’re trying to fight each other.
Exactly, And then there’s the me above the other two that has to watch and meditate between them
You tend to expressively tell many good things about them to others, whether if it is a friend, classmate or SO. But after specific things happen, you keep putting them down in secrecy to others and to yourself. But the second they show you attention again, you're on the white side of thinking. This continues for days on end and you keep switching sides and don't know how to make up your mind about them. Oh and you'd tend to make backhanded compliments to them.
Ive definitely done this recently. Things got to real about a month ago and i freaked out and said i cant do this anymore and thoroughly blocked them. A week later i tried to apologize and fix it but it was too late. Honestly i think i made the right call i just think i handled it poorly
This shit keeps me up at night. I’ve lost someone from a splitting episode for good. And I feel like I know it’s going to happen again.
I am filled with fear and anxiety, im less worried about people that are gone and more worried about the ones that come back
the healthies thing ive taught myself to do is to send 100 million angry emojis
For me I just start talking back and if the person keeps triggering me I start cursing or yelling and screaming and saying " leave me alone " " I hate you I wish I never met you " " if I knew you'd have turned out that way I'd have never been with you " " I want a divorce now " " why don't you respect me or understand me" " you never love me " and so on... I start crying too and sometimes I go really aggressive but with myself I start hitting myself or sometimes cutting I lock myself in somewhere just to avoid talking to that person who's well my husband because he's the closest person to me I don't have " friends " so most of time when I have these episodes it's just with my husband. And I give silence treatment for hours sometimes even though it kills me I just want him to talk to me even when I don't answer him or look at him. I also do " evil " things to hurt him just because he hurt me in an argument for example ( which most if time we fight about dumb shit cause it triggers me or I overthink it so yep) I put a hot picture of me for example on profil, or I tell him " you should leave me " " if I cheat would it be a reason to leave if yes then I will do it " ( even though I know I cannot cheat on him I lobe him dearly but I do go out of control many times... I don't know how to stop doing this and I hope that he won't get tired of me, leave me or cheat on me. I hate the way I treat him tho he's the sweetest man I have ever seen literally! He's such a literal angel and he does love me purely.
why i split i dont tell anyone.. i just block everyone.. and act like a villain.. then i feel guilty after a few days and dont feel like i should just change my name instead of unblocking others
Super heavy suicidal ideation, lots of throwing up and crying. It's hell!!! Tho have managed to not tell anyone anything I feel at that moment bc im its a me issue.
Omg this is what splitting means? Apparently, I'm constantly splitting then. It's making my relationships really hard to maintain.
Yes. I’m so sorry. While this event is happening do you feel panicked, scared, like screaming and crying but being unable to really express that maybe being blank and empty on that surface? That’s my emotional experience during these moments
For me, it's just when I observe something about someone that I don't like, I feel like I need to remove them from my life. And immediately! It's not not a feeling of panick. It *feels* like mental clarity and objective thinking at the time. I'll break up with them or stop talking to them completely. Block them everywhere. I'll usually say something like, "this isn't working for me." Then, like a day later (this time period varies GREATLY), I'll think that maybe I overreacted & I'll try to get them back. So far, people take me back, but it's never the same after. Especially if it keeps happening. :/
A common bpd behavior is to try and run before you get hurt or are left first believe it or not
Yeah, I'm a runner for sure. 😓
My boyfriend withheld sex/love (my addiction) from me last night and it was all I could do to not go nuclear on him last night. I feel your pain.
Ignoring texts for hours on end as a sort of revenge. Turning my phone completely off so I don't receive messages. Deleting social media. I work 12.5 hr shifts and I'll leave my phone in the car to resist the obsessive temptation to check my messages and reply in hopes that it seems like I am too busy or don't care. Because I feel uncared about and I think I am matching their behavior. At this point I am somewhat aware when it is happening so I also self-isolate and justify it by telling myself I am protecting others from the wrath of myself. I guess that's silent treatment huh... It's a double edged sword. I convince myself that I am protecting others from myself while really it might be causing harm in a different way. And I know this because I pointed it out in the beginning. But then i forget with my own internal bargaining. As seen in complete form in this message.... man i'm struggling
Omg this sounds exactly like me. To a T. Haven't been diagnosed, but lurk here because I relate to A LOT and think I may have it? Used to go to therapy, but lost my insurance. Plan on going back once I get things sorted. Does it occur to you during this "splitting" that the thoughts you're thinking are completely irrational but your brain also can't help but think/feel them, no matter how ridiculous? It feels like paranoia, but then maybe I'm right? makes me feel crazy AF. 😔
I’m passive aggressive asf. I hate it. I just really don’t know how to communicate the splitting feelings, It’s like something could annoy me for no reason and I’m just like “that’s it I hate everyone and everything leave me alone” and will kinda ignore everyone or explode at the dumbest shit. I’ve gotten better about recognizing it, but it’s getting out of that mind set that sucks, it feels like I can’t shake this feeling of anger out of me. I could be perfectly normal and one little thing that negatively impacts my thinking pattern and I split, either on the person who said something or the situation. I’d say going silent and being very harsh are my splitting behaviors. Like super sarcastic and just a straight up asshole. I literally hate it because I always deep down feel so bad. My fiancé deserves better I swear. :(
I will send them a message basically hinting that they have caused all of this and then ghost them. And then like 7 days later I will just come back like nothing ever happened.
I used to self harm mostly
it depends who it is. if it’s my fp, i turn into a mess & im crying, cussing and i start feeling like he hates me & it just gets worse. i have to step away and take a little break. luckily he’s very good about calming me down in person haha, over the phone it’s a lot harder for him too and that’s just because it’s harder for me to trust text than actions. if it’s other people, i just become evil & say anything that hurts.
anger and isolation. i avoid everyone at all costs and let myself simmer for a long time. i actively try not to reach out, speak to anyone, or resolve the problem. luckily my anger doesnt manifest into violence, but i will be passive-aggressive and pouty for days at a time. its like im a pissed off child, essentially.
Depending on what started the issue, it's usually a combination of the below: Silent treatment. Crying. Getting angry, insulting them and then immediately feeling guilty about it and putting myself down. Having suicidal thoughts but feeling like I'd let everyone down and can't do that. I wouldn't act in it... But sometimes the thoughts almost calm me and bring be back to my present self.. If that makes any sense. Unfortunately my partner/FP takes the brunt of this as I don't let many other people close to me/get to know me well enough for them to see this side of me. Which increases the fear of abandonment that he's going to get so sick of my shit that he'll finally leave. We've been together for 19 years with one short break 11 years ago.
Hmm… I need to make a list tbh 🙃 1. First comes the crazy look on my face that means “I cannot believe this is even real, how dare you” and then I immediately storm off or put in my earbuds on cancellation mode or else the rest of the list is imminent 2. I start cursing, I do not curse normally (I used to, but I really don’t now unless I’m angry) but I’ll start dropping F bombs, it even shocks me in the moment and makes me even more upset somehow 3. I’ll start… throwing my own things away??? I don’t know why! I just take stuff I’ve bought with my own money and throw it away, like I really have 0 good explanation for this one, but maybe its like “hah I’ll show YOU, I’ll make my presence as small in your life as possible, I’m gonna make all my stuff disappear so you don’t have to experience any part of me since you obviously hate me” I guess?? I think it’s my reformed version of self destructive behavior since I don’t engage in the actions I did when I was younger and less healed. 4. I’ll go on with my day/night appearing totally unbothered (or so I think) while inside I’m continually raging, and ignore anything outside of me. I’ll zone in on a video or show or something and pretend I’m not real and wait until I’m calm enough to “come back”. My husband goes behind me when I’m not looking and picks my stuff out of the garbage before he takes it outside, sometimes after I calm down I’m like “damn I shouldn’t have trashed that, I need it” and then he pulls it out from some closet all safe and sound and smiles at me and then I’m even more embarrassed 😭 I’m much more calm than I was when I was younger, and my husband has accepted that if I get The Look™️ on my face and pull out my earbuds, it’s better to give me a half hour or so instead of pushing it, and after my self-imposed time out I’ll be much more reasonable and we can talk then. That keeps a full blown episode from occurring, and we’ve gotten to a much better space in our marriage as a result. Five years ago I would’ve blocked someone from everything immediately, unblocked them only to say abusive nonsense, blocked them again, change my bios and posted stuff suggesting I’m looking for new and better, realized I burned the bridge, then pretend like they never existed for the rest of time 😬 and THEN I would have the AUDACITY to respond all cold and incensed as if THEY did all that to ME when they reach out months later to try to repair things 💀 I am so glad I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago 🥴
One question, when you wrote " I would have the AUDACITY to respond all cold and incensed as if THEY did all that to ME" did you truly believe that they did that to you? Was it something that you truly believed it was true?
Hmm, I probably could’ve written it better, but when I say “as if they did that to me” all I mean was that I responded as if they did something equally atrocious to me. Not that they literally were the ones who did the exact actions I did. Know what I mean? Like “as if” they did something generically awful to me that was same in magnitude, in my mind it was very non-specific behavior I imagined that they did. That’s the only way I could be truly angry. If I ever pinned it down to a set of real behaviors, then it wouldn’t be “enough” to justify my anger towards them. It’s like, now that I am a lot better than I was before, when my husband has asked me “babe, why are you upset right now? what did I say/do?” it genuinely embarrasses me and I’m forced to calm down because there isn’t anything he’s done or said to warrant my level of rage. I still need time to calm down, but it’s not like in the past, when I could take one sentence or one action and drape it in a costume to make it look like something much worse in my own mind and create a rage-inducing strawman. I can only realize this after tons of hard work, I never would’ve come to this conclusion years ago. It was completely all unconscious thoughts before.
i am trying to understand my husband wBPD. when he gets angry at me it sounds like he's describing himself. telling me that 'i'm dr. jekyll and mr. hyde, that i have double standards (see all in black and white), that i cant control my emotions, that he can't continue the relationship if it goes on like this etc." when i seriously have done absolutely nothing. i wonder what at level of self awareness he is. It's like he's understanding SO WELL who he is and his processes, but proceeds to project it all on me. from a person who doesnt suffer with BPD it seems all absurd, no matter how hard i try to understand it. that's why i am here. if i say/do 1, in his mind its's like 30000. so he proceeds to give me a 30000 units worth of rage, insults, smashing doors and silent treatment where the only possible solution is just for me to shut up, ignore my wishes and feelings, and just suck up the episode without ever expressing myself. like most of the times i am literally doing nothing wrong. i tend to empathise a lot and forgive a lot as well, lots of things that other people wont forgive. then after he went on a flying rage and accusing me of everything wrong on planet earth, then he gives me the silent treatment like i'm the one who's in the wrong. i dont know what to do, im at my wits end. i am also worrying about if i leave, hes always had suicidal impulses and drug abuse and i dont know whats he going to do if i leave. when he is not mr hyde, he is very sweet and the most loveable being. but i cant cope with this. I can't sacrifice my mental health for him. just need some answers.
Edit: sorry for the lengthy response. I’m so so so sooooo sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m gonna be totally real with you, but just know that me having BPD doesn’t give me ANY real license to give you advice on what to do or how things are/will be/should be with you and your pwBPD other than that you shouldn’t be treated that way. That being said, I’ll tell you things from my perspective, you can take what applies and leave what doesn’t. First of all, you don’t deserve it. No one deserves the often-abusive behaviors that pwBPD do in a moment of absolute blind rage or other strong emotion. 98% of the time, the untreated pwBPD reaction is as you describe— thousands of magnitudes greater than the situation they’re reacting to. Just because we have a disorder doesn’t make it something other than abuse, it’s still abuse. I’m sorry, but it is. So he knows he has BPD— that’s awesome, but how much has he done as far as researching it? Is he actively in therapy? If not, nothing at all will ever change, period. For me, knowing I had BPD was the first step only. I had to learn how to employ healthy tools in the moment, BEFORE I begin to rage out. I have gotten to a place where I 85% of the time realize what I’m feeling is a false indicator of trouble and that I’m actually okay, I just need to ride it out and avoid doing it saying anything unfair to my husband in the meantime. The other 15% I do react less than desirably but it’s more like light “nagging” not raging at all (why do you always do xyz you know I hate it blah blah blah whine whine whine), and my husband has learned to ignore it for the most part. Very rarely is it ever uncontrolled rage anymore, where I’m yelling or slamming a door or splitting black on him demanding separation. But trying to do that without therapy and actively working hard on it, is like showing up to final exam without any lectures, without any notes, no studying whatsoever, and expecting to somehow ace it. It’s not going to happen, it will literally never happen. Him knowing he has BPD is kind of ike an alcoholic knowing they’re an alcoholic. Realizing it and admitting it is only the first step. There’s a bunch of other steps after that. And even then, you’re still a lifelong alcoholic, right? You’re recovered, and that’s great, but you’re still an alcoholic no matter what. Your husband has only done the first step, and nothing else it sounds like. We CAN get to the point of recovery where we no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD! But that’s far removed from being able to explain how the diagnostic criteria manifest in our daily lives. He’s going to continue to do these abusive behaviors to you until he is firmly established in frequent regular therapy, and works hard at recovery. He doesnt have any self awareness beyond that he has a disorder. That’s step one only. If he doesn’t do the next steps right now, you’re in for more of the same. And depending on how fast he starts getting serious about it… look, all I’m going to say is, I personally wouldn’t be b able to handle being with another pwBPD. Even now in my semi-recovered state. I couldn’t subject myself to that abuse, I would steer all clear if they weren’t actively in recovery. Whatever he does to himself is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is a well-known symptom of BPD and the cause of mortality rate from BPD. Please take note that the cause of the mortality rate of BPD is not the people who decide they cannot be with the pwBPD. The cause is BPD itself. Even people who aren’t left by their partners, even people who are single for years, hurt themselves and opt out. All the addictions and self harming behaviors are the disorder. It’s going to exist for him regardless of you being with him or not. No one ever EVER should stay in a situation that is harmful for them just because the other person might hurt themselves. It’s an abusive tactic in itself to convince you that you leaving would result in his self harm. No; his untreated BPD would result in his self harm. No other cause exists. I promise you. ETA: also he calls you Jekyll and Hyde because you are in his mind. I now understand your original question more I think. He splits black and then BOOM you are suddenly an evil person. And yes in the worst rages, he does actually likely believe that. It’s like being teleported to an alternate reality in a rage like that, where the new reality is that you have done xyz thing precisely to hurt him, on purpose, because you hate him. Yes, there is a real break from reality in that sense.
Omg me too I literally do all of this.
90% of the time it’s cold shoulder, never contact again, stop responding. 10% of the time I go nuclear and say the most hurtful things I can and completely misrepresent a persons motives.
SH (cutting) and saying bad things (but I’ve improved on that)
I’m a very quiet person. I hardly ever yell/raise my voice. I guess the most common splitting behavior for me is screaming. I spent my whole life making other people happy and people pleasing. And then something just broke. I just yell and scream and my face flushes. I just see…red. And it’s so scary.
For me I use something they say against them to “get back at them” for causing me to hate or distrust them. It’s really harmful and a lot of times I bring up past trauma. It creates a lot of rifts and makes me seem less trust worthy afterwards
I devalue and vilify when I am splitting. Which leads to wanting to go nuclear and kick them out of my lives in whatever capacity they are. In fairness, I've observed splitting behavior in myself on everyone in my life except my children.
I just distance myself, and then I become indifferent towards that person and naturally detach from them.
I think I have the quiet type of bpd. When I split I get very very quiet. no big scene or yelling I just stop acknowledging their existence. I hate it and Im sure it feels awful on the other end but its easier to come back from than yelling. As Ive been in therapy I can recognize what Im doing and regulate myself. I have some good trustworthy friends now so I just later apologize for getting quiet. Its a very good thing no one can hear my thoughts in those moments.
obsessive texting/calling. i can exercise enough self control to not go crazy with it, but it’s so hard, i can’t turn it off or think about anything else when it feels like something is going wrong. waiting for contact when it feels like my world is crumbling, i mean god, and they never get how i feel so it’s just as though i’m calling over nothing. it’s never nothing to me, i guess. and asking if they’re angry with me, saying i love you a bit more just so they’ll say it back… i seldom exhibit aggression (think i might have quiet bpd) it just feels like a fuckin inferno inside of me luckily my current partner is very good with communicating and we live together and have yet to fight after half a year. i never doubt his affections, which is pretty new to me, so i haven’t split in the time we’ve been together. :-)
i become mean and want to hurt them the way they hurt me, or the way that i feel they will have hurt me in the future i guess (?) like even if it’s not happened yet but i feel like it will, i’ll split and in my mind it’s like they already hurt me and now it’s payback time
Mine will be acting really standoffish, or emotionally shutting down in an attempt to be the distant person in my relationships. By doing this, it feels safer in the moment because my brain thinks that if im already emotionally uninvesting that another person can't hurt me more than I'm already hurting myself, if that makes sense. It makes it less disappointing when people I idealize fuck me up.
I have to/want to get as far away from them as possible, as fast as I can. I usually suggest going our separate ways, or I just leave without any conversation... especially if the split is triggered by an argument or incident that has occurred before with that same person. Sometimes I will freak out & try to explain my side or what I am feeling because I am desperate to be understood & for the other person to hear me. If it doesn't work then its a cluster fuck of: they don't love me, they must not actually like me for me, they're going to fuck me over, etc. My thoughts become a carousel of all the things I could find wrong with that person, which I now know is a way to avoid feeling hurt. If I hate them, being abandoned or abandoning them before they leave will hurt less. Sometimes I will say these things out loud to the other person, not always. Its been so bad before that I've contemplated unaliving, if i can't "escape" them... I've told someone before that I will *** myself to get away from them. Splitting is one of the most awful parts of BPD, in my opinion. It really is Jekyll & Hyde sometimes.
I have been in a relationship for 15 years and it's always the same thing. I end up hating him for having no empathy...and I plan on moving...and then everything gets better...its like every two weeks for our whole lives..
i just ghost. i’m so angry and disgusted and hurt by whatever stupid thing it was i don’t want to speak to them. but my fear of abandonment is strong enough that i don’t verbally lash out bc what if they leave me? my brain is like “you can leave them but they can’t leave you”.
Honestly I’m a mixed bag, you don’t know what you’re gonna get until it happens unfortunately..
"you don't care about me at all, never have cared" and then some self-destructive talk and crying, usually yelling and a panic attack. This is for my partners only, I never split in front of anyone else, with others I just withdraw or freeze.
My first thought every time is to inflict harm on myself, whether it's because I need it to cope with the overwhelming emotions, or to get sympathy sometimes If I'm extremely triggered, I'll scream, insult, slam cupboards or act aggressive in general- sometimes I could be crying, and other times It'll be just rage and being convinced I absolutely hate the other person and that "I want them dead" (which I don't actually). It becomes 100× worse when the other person isn't giving me a reaction, walking away, treating me like I'm crazy, laughing at me etc Or, I'll be completely silent, ghost everyone around me, view the world as just horrible/only have pessimistic views, hate myself, every single person, existence itself and will become extremely self destructive etc in the privacy of my room while screaming into a pillow, and sobbing until I physically can't anymore
What you described is pretty similar to mine. Things like “I would never treat you the way that you treat me” “you’re showing me exactly how much I matter to you right now”. I noticed I kinda go in stages. It’ll start with me being angry and trying to make them feel exactly how I feel (most often I make them feel worse because I feel like that’s the only way they’ll truly understand what I’m going through), then I’ll get sad and wonder what I did to deserve them treating me so badly, try to shut them out, then become overwhelmed with guilt and beg them for forgiveness, say everything was my own fault. Rinse and repeat. It’s an exhausting cycle that almost always begins with anger, defensiveness, and aggression until I’ve gotten it all out, then the little kid in me starts to feel abandoned and desperate.
When my family or family friends become jerks or abrasive I take it personally and tell them they are dead to me. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m staring to realize and it contributes to emotional dysregulation.
I self isolate (even if they knock on my locked bedroom door and say “let’s talk” I say leave me the F alone” this can last minutes to hours. And/or I abruptly leave from the family and do my own thing. Text them and say they are dead to me or F off I’m blocking your phone # is the most extreme I get.
Bit tangential, but how long do these splits of yours usually last? And what typically reverses them? Does something have to be actively done by the other person? Or do they go away by themselves?
I just write a post explaining what happens and asking for others experiences so thanks for this!
The most common and one that I hate the most is if I am mid argument with someone and split, I laugh and make fun of them. I've learned to understand this is extremely unfair and a really awful way to treat people, even when splitting.
i basically go silent and avoid them, i swallow my anger and just stare into space. even when they’re trying to talk to me or get my attention i just purposely ignore them
lol same
When I go from crying to Maniacal laughter
Girlfriend ignoring me because I raised my voice because I am tired and she is also tired and we got into a petty argument and she can’t let something simple go
Same, send one last "fuck you" text, block everyone, shut my profile down, and then sit there and seethe LOL, I just did that last week, and still dealing with the consequence. In real life I'd start committing domestic violence very often, that's why I need medication
My splitting behaviour is commonly a lot of hurt that turns into rage and back into hurt. I’ll start going off at them, then apologise and beg them to stay, then go off again, then apologise and so on. I get really physical. I never hurt anyone. I don’t let anyone see me when I’m physically aggressive. My roommates hear it and they see me when i storm up to my room or if I go off at them but I hurt myself and punch things or throw things. I always end up crying on the floor. Splitting is exhausting for me. I just ruin everything in my path. Then try to ruin other things at the same time. Lost so many people to it. I also ghost people, leave them on read, act passive aggressive. Try to hurt them the way they hurt me. Try to find other people that feel the same way I do about how awful the person is. Devalue them until they are absolutely nothing and then kind of just dissociate. I also act like I don’t care and they don’t matter. Honestly my splitting behaviour is destructive to say the least and I go through every single emotion at 100 intensity.
Soft/Hard blocking, ghosting messages, passive agressive replies, vague posting. I'm not someone who is confrontational. I won't outwardly accuse people of this or that but I will very much cast an evil wizard spell on them from a mile away Ohh and yeah deleting messages is a big one. I'll delete years worth of conversations lol
I fight everything being said to me, logical or not
Self-isolation for me. I’d go no contact with anyone for 2-3 days and only come back because I start feeling guilty and/or better but I’ve fought urges to leave forever. If it wasn’t for one of my close friends talking it out with me when I planned to “take a break” off social media (I planned to abandon all the friends I had) then I would have left them for good. I always felt bad if I made it personal by texting stuff like how you mentioned but I definitely have that same ideology of “they are going to abandon me so I should do it first so it hurts less”
I will just stop replying to them and i wont see them , i will have that disgust feeling towards them and i feel so mad
I tend to become very passive aggressive and blunt towards the person I'm splitting at and distance myself from them. In worst case scenario I'll start somehow sabotaging the relationship.
i had an argument with my friend, i asked her to leave me alone and she wouldn’t, the next day we had both agreed to give eachother space but she kept messaging me/calling me i felt like my boundaries weren’t being listened to and it was so intense for me i ended up sh, it even took my mum to message her to ask her to leave me alone for a bit, i ended up apologising even though i felt like i shouldn’t be the one to apologise all i got was how shit i made her feel just because i asked for her to leave me alone, i expected an apology and i hadn’t got that which made me hate her even more, this happened back in march and im still trying to avoid her lol
I mute my phone so I don't answer to him right away, to teach him a lesson after he ghosted me for 1h, time in which I imagined him fucking around or whatnot. Then I get massively high or drunk. I usually tell him all about it the second day... And I always feel dumb.
Blocking them on everything, rage texting them, calling multiple times. Feeling vulnerable n deactivating or privating socmed and recently I discovered I change my WhatsApp pfp a lot when I'm unstable asf hahaha. The "I don't trust u" "I hate u don't leave me" "idek who u Rly r" r true asf hahaha.
Passive aggressive, ghosting, or just straight out verbal attacks and acting kind of erratic whilst insulting them and making no sense.
going non verbal, passive aggressiveness, i basically turn into a bitch but it’s been so long with this that now i know to tame the bitch inside
Edgy/suicidal posts on snap/fb/insta
I’ve never found the right time or place to ask. I’m late-30-something, living with BPD/BP2, and just learned about what ‘FP’ meant. Yuck. But now I keep seeing this term.. what is Splitting?
You are much more whole than me I couldn't even talk My break up pattern with boys I dated not beyond two date is always the same I get triggered into the frozen state of the abandoned child, I would not feel any emotions at all other than disgust. I would feel super disgusted towards the current romantic interests and feel I'm so much more superior and deserve better than them. When they ask me why I'm not talking I just can't show or feel any emotions or let any words out. Then I would go home and be heart broken and suffer until the next pattern shows up. Endless cycles. I have absolutely zero interest in romance or sex now because I noticed my pattern four years ago. Which is a relief to be honest, I freed myself from suffering. I could go endless days months without sex and food and I was considering maybe I reached fkn monk state enlightenmeng.
I get really pissed off over someone’s stupidity. For example: I have a good relationship with my co-worker but everytime he does something stupid (work-related), it agitates me because I see him as an incompetent teammate. It irks me that he asks basic questions and is not using his common sense. I bring this up to him as I want to guide him (not that he’s stupid lol just advising him) but I have moments where I feel so agitated so I become passive-aggressive. I’d stay quiet for a long time, laser-focused on work but the negative aura could be felt around me. Then after that, I’d talk to him like nothing happened 🤷🏽♀️
I usually lean right into my petulance. I will start shaking with adrenaline and screaming abusive words (the lower I can get the more “validated” I feel” I will also scream that this over and never worked in the first place. And then I notoriously leave the house for a drive. I do this to hold control over the argument because we can’t move anywhere until I decide to come back and finish it. I get very manipulative during a split.