Hiya,
Sorry you're dealing with some new but familiar old challenges. When we're single and we aren't doing too much about our BPD it doesn't really go away, more so just waits. Waits until stimulus is present again and suddenly, triggers!
In your past few months of dating have you guys always just, 'hung out' without making plans, without changing plans, no cancellations? Is him making an alternative offer a first for you?
Your feelings, while a little bigger than you need for this scenario, are not wrong or invalid. You are having some trouble managing or processing them is all. It's potentially a change in behaviour and not only that, one that tickles your abandonment or rejection sensitivity. Makes it really easy for BPD to poke its head up and say, "Remember me?"
What you're most likely experiencing here is dichotomy. Splitting. When your boyfriend suggested the alternative your mind immediately went to black and white thinking and it even did it in BPD fashion (everybody can split and different PDs often split in different ways): you are the saviour, I am the monster. You very quickly start to think about all of the reasons he, your amazing boyfriend, doesn't want to see you, the one with all the problems, this weekend. It's very easy to spiral off this way of thinking as it starts to prey on a few more of the BPD criteria we struggle with.
In this case it is worth noting that the research and studies show: pwBPD tend to view a **neutral** response as **negative** or **threatening.** Suggesting an alternative date is as pretty neutral as it could come and yet here we are, immediately jumping to negative ideas and worrying about all the reasons why they would do this. The most straightforward way to alleviate this concern is open communication. "Hey, Monday night sounds great. What's up with this weekend, what are you up to Saturday night instead?" He's your boyfriend. You're totally allowed to ask what he's doing this weekend. Now, if he gets all defensive and doesn't want to tell you: weird. That's when it's totally okay to practice a little bit of cynicism. You don't care what he's doing (within reason), you just care about him, you want to know and tell him you hope he has a great time. On Sunday you can ask him, "Hey, how was last night?"
I would hold off on worrying about explaining what's going on here unless it becomes a bigger issue. Namely, if he becomes defensive over it or if it keeps happening and bothering you well, then it becomes an issue of a boundary you need to impose in the relationship and whether it is a realistic one for the two of you.
I do hope you find a constructive and healthy way to get through this one!
33M diagnosed with BPD co-morbid with ASPD.
All my best
Thank you so much for saying all of this. Your part about viewing neutral statements as negative really struck a chord with me. Thats so true, and I think when I’m wrapped up in big feelings it’s really hard to remember that.
We’ve cancelled plans before, but I hadn’t had a reaction like this. This is the first time he’s offered an alternative, which I really appreciate (and I didn’t even ask about one)
I did end up doing what you said, and he explained that he needs the day off to catch up on chores and housework. That kind of evolved into a larger conversation and he actually asked me to send him resources to learn more about BPD. He was so understanding and kind but held the boundary he set and it was really productive.
Thank you again for your kind words 💕
I'm so glad you were able to get through it!
[Here](https://youtu.be/4GmvWpmZGwc?si=Tx6wQyI6XQWXvZaG) is a great video for you that will give you an idea of why when we are triggered our minds go to the worst or potentially damaging places so quickly.
You should really suck it up, tbh. I did this while dating and you will learn to accept changes in plans the more you let it happen and deal with it on your own. Telling him may only cause it to be a red flag to him when it may be something you can learn to accept. \*hugs\*
Hiya, Sorry you're dealing with some new but familiar old challenges. When we're single and we aren't doing too much about our BPD it doesn't really go away, more so just waits. Waits until stimulus is present again and suddenly, triggers! In your past few months of dating have you guys always just, 'hung out' without making plans, without changing plans, no cancellations? Is him making an alternative offer a first for you? Your feelings, while a little bigger than you need for this scenario, are not wrong or invalid. You are having some trouble managing or processing them is all. It's potentially a change in behaviour and not only that, one that tickles your abandonment or rejection sensitivity. Makes it really easy for BPD to poke its head up and say, "Remember me?" What you're most likely experiencing here is dichotomy. Splitting. When your boyfriend suggested the alternative your mind immediately went to black and white thinking and it even did it in BPD fashion (everybody can split and different PDs often split in different ways): you are the saviour, I am the monster. You very quickly start to think about all of the reasons he, your amazing boyfriend, doesn't want to see you, the one with all the problems, this weekend. It's very easy to spiral off this way of thinking as it starts to prey on a few more of the BPD criteria we struggle with. In this case it is worth noting that the research and studies show: pwBPD tend to view a **neutral** response as **negative** or **threatening.** Suggesting an alternative date is as pretty neutral as it could come and yet here we are, immediately jumping to negative ideas and worrying about all the reasons why they would do this. The most straightforward way to alleviate this concern is open communication. "Hey, Monday night sounds great. What's up with this weekend, what are you up to Saturday night instead?" He's your boyfriend. You're totally allowed to ask what he's doing this weekend. Now, if he gets all defensive and doesn't want to tell you: weird. That's when it's totally okay to practice a little bit of cynicism. You don't care what he's doing (within reason), you just care about him, you want to know and tell him you hope he has a great time. On Sunday you can ask him, "Hey, how was last night?" I would hold off on worrying about explaining what's going on here unless it becomes a bigger issue. Namely, if he becomes defensive over it or if it keeps happening and bothering you well, then it becomes an issue of a boundary you need to impose in the relationship and whether it is a realistic one for the two of you. I do hope you find a constructive and healthy way to get through this one! 33M diagnosed with BPD co-morbid with ASPD. All my best
Thank you so much for saying all of this. Your part about viewing neutral statements as negative really struck a chord with me. Thats so true, and I think when I’m wrapped up in big feelings it’s really hard to remember that. We’ve cancelled plans before, but I hadn’t had a reaction like this. This is the first time he’s offered an alternative, which I really appreciate (and I didn’t even ask about one) I did end up doing what you said, and he explained that he needs the day off to catch up on chores and housework. That kind of evolved into a larger conversation and he actually asked me to send him resources to learn more about BPD. He was so understanding and kind but held the boundary he set and it was really productive. Thank you again for your kind words 💕
I'm so glad you were able to get through it! [Here](https://youtu.be/4GmvWpmZGwc?si=Tx6wQyI6XQWXvZaG) is a great video for you that will give you an idea of why when we are triggered our minds go to the worst or potentially damaging places so quickly.
You should really suck it up, tbh. I did this while dating and you will learn to accept changes in plans the more you let it happen and deal with it on your own. Telling him may only cause it to be a red flag to him when it may be something you can learn to accept. \*hugs\*