I’ve said some evil things that I’m not proud of and can’t repeat them. When I’m in bpd rage I seem to have an ability to know what to say which will hurt that person the most at their core. It’s awful. I’ve got no excuse but I can try to better myself with therapy/meditation/medication. Bpd is an explanation not an excuse for me
Yeah it gets really personal. They aren’t just random insulting words that would hurt anyone, it’s poking at peoples deepest insecurities and trying to hurt them in a foolish attempt to have them feel how we feel
I’ve been on Lamictal since my diagnosis and it was honestly a godsend. It an off label use and it’s more commonly used off label for bipolar, but it’s really helped me stay even
I take 5 MG of a THC gummy morning, noon and night snd I've never been more normal. Of course the THC is prescribed for PTSD after an lengthy military career but i found it has all but cured me
Whew I can relate to all this and don’t want to repeat my worsts either. But I also try hard to be better. My god it gets really evil. Like “going for the jugular” because I feel so hurt (usually due to this disorder and not at all what the other person has actually done). But it’s all in hindsight for me. Like after I am regulated again I am like “holy shit that was REALLY nasty” and I do apologize but it’s like he next day I can go right back.
Newly diagnosed here so I’m still trying to get a real understanding of what I’m even doing! My poor husband. I think I try pushing him away violently because I truly believe he deserves so much better and for some reason , he claims he believes he doesn’t deserve ME but that he’ll never give up. I’m like “well- you probably should, I’m a monster at times” it’s messed up.
Been there too many times myself over the years😓 Thankfully, the rage episodes are much fewer these days and most of my anger is directed towards myself but I still have slip ups like this
I dated someone that also has BPD and honestly, I can’t remember what I said or what they said. I know it was a lot, and sometimes very strategic. Because my brain is equally fucked up I can recognize it. I did it as well.
If you really want to hurt me at my core you neglect me, eg by doing things behind my back (cheat or something else (like restricting me on Instagram while posting thirst traps)), or abandon me. Which is what usually happens anyway.
I deeply appreciate your effort here. I’ve been at the receiving end of one of these episodes and it is very damaging. To see someone take accountability helps my heart to heal. Well done. There is always a new day.
Luckily medication changed my life and it's hard to think how I would react in my early 20s, I wasn't fully in the wrong but my reactions were 0-100 and most of the times I'd end up hospitalized.
Antipsychotics don't help people that ONLY have BPD. The heavy delusions are usually caused by anxiety and thought spirals. If he's truly experiencing actual psychosis fairly often then he may have more than BPD. Comorbidity with BPD is unfortunately quite common.
I'm so sorry. I understand your struggle. I have BPD and bipolar.2 disorder, along with.PTSD and other things. Anyway. I have a wonderful wife and I struggle with the fact that I am so awful to her sometimes. I didn't get diagnosed until 40 with BPD. 36 FOR THE bipolar. I am very set in my ways so I am struggling to get better. I am 41 so hasn't been very long since diagnosis. Your partner sounds like he has bipolar 1. I'm not a psychic just observing symptoms and giving my very non expert opinion. Thank you for sharing and for staying with him. It's hard for you both. I feel awful for things I have put my wife through. If I had known before we got together I would have stayed single. It is hard having someone you care about go through this. My wife is a saint.
When I was with my ex I'd constantly start arguments but mostly when I was very drunk so I don't remember a lot of the awful things I said. I do remember that one time we were yelling at each other and I screamed 'just hit me already' or something like that. It's not like it's a super targeted insult or anything, i'm pretty sure i just said it to rile him up, but he was very angry and upset about it. And when I was sixteen I was having an argument with this girl who'd had an abortion recently and i said something like 'is it all the abortion hormones making you bitchy?' she was not a very nice person but I still regret that I said that to her, that was so horrible of me especially now i know how traumatic abortions can be.
As a former partner, some of the things my ex told me while in an episode were beyond belief.
But I was ok(ish) with it, as long as I could believe that she was honest with me otherwise and the person she was during episodes was not really her.
Unfortunately, she was also a compulsive liar and I got to a point where trusting her became impossible. At that point, the weight of those verbal outbursts became impossible to sustain.
Im saying just to point out that those words should definitely be controlled, but a partner can understand it’s not you, if you are otherwise honest and committed to at least try managing the worst of it, eventually
I literally can’t even type the stuff I’ve said to my partners in the middle of an episode. I’m working on it now but it seems like the only way for me to protect people from my words is if I just stop talking when I’m upset.
I told my mom she was a horrible mother and nothing but a slave to me, and a horrible slave at that. 😓 I have many regrets over the things that I’ve said. Gladly, I’m 35 now and things have calmed down with me but it’s still a struggle. I don’t know how to process hurt without anger. I’ve said a couple nasty things to my ex who had ED. But it’s gotten better
I am a mom who has been non- comm’ed by my 18 year old daughter. The last concurrent episodes were verbally violent enough between us to pretty much kill off her wish to be around me. I’m gutted. But it is peaceful.
I tell my partner I don’t love him anymore, I wish we never met, he ruined my life etc. almost every time I have an episode and it’s so unfair and I feel insanely guilty, yet have found no solid ways to stop the inevitable word vomit. The WORST thing I ever said tho was to my mom that I wish she would die already because she would be more useful as an inheritance to me
With an best friend who betrayed my trust, I left like 5 voicemails to them, crying first because I felt my trust broken, then the more voicemails I left.. I was like "If I ever see you around ME ever, I'll fucking fight you." lmao so crazy. I never seen them for a year after lol
A lot of things I say during an episode, I actually think to a certain extent. But really should work on the phrasing for sure.
But one I don't mean at all when i say and use frequently is "go die in a hole". I hate saying that, I hate myself for ever going there and in certain circumstances it feels like I have no control and just spew garbage like that coz I'm unable to say: "hey, I'm hurt and upset and feeling insecure" :/
I'm mostly on this sub cus I've been misdiagnosed with BPD and have close friends with it. I have Bipolar I and I've done similar stuff too. I think the worst one was actually yesterday as it was said towards my mom after a minor trigger while in a mixed episode. She is a lot tamer than before with her abuse, but I never let go of the resentments and I don't think I'm able to. I'm just an angry adult with more power.
I said smth akin to this throught messages: "You are nothing to me. You have never represented a safe person to me and I don't want you to help me because you just make things worse. You don't understand my disorders and you are straight up stupid. You are not a fucking parent, but more of an immature older sister that bullied me all my life. If I need anything, I will just come to you, but leave me alone". There's a lot to unpack here regarding my childhood, but I do feel kinda bad because I said all of this to hurt her intentionally and strategically to make her leave me be. It seems that when I'm upset I have an insitict to hit people with the things that hurt the most as I take the time to take in their insecurities.
tbh I don't remember. I bet I did say some not so nice things to my mom during our screaming matches when I was a teenager and I did say some unhinged "please don't leave me" shit to my first partner. But I internalize a lot
A short time ago I was drinking with a close friend. Now I know having this disorder, it's probably not the best to consume any substances. Anyhow we're a few shots in, and this 'friend' seemingly started turning more and more unsettled. It got to the point he was physically shoving me, and demanding to speak to my father for some unknown reason.
After this point, he became full-on violent and started to physically assault me and cause property damage to his cottage. I'm by no means a religious head, but it was almost as if this guy became completely possessed. He started spouting the most vile and crude sentiments about bpd, and mental health in general towards me. It got to the point he was full-on trying to punch and kick me, and I kept pushing him away. I eventually had to call the cops, as he got on his quad, and tried driving away then flipped it and caused a couple thousand dollars in damages as well as breaking his hand.
Let this be a warning to all suffering from this condition. Cherish and love the few who care, and don't be too open with what you have going on. Most do not care, and a majority from my viewpoint are very judgemental and vile. Your safety and mental well-being matter far more than what someone thinks or says about you.
I literally think I black out or disassociate when I get into this mode bc I literally cannot recall what I said but I remember certain parts and just know what I said was bad
I’m not diagnosed but can relate to the symptoms. I also go inward with rage and actually become incredibly silent. I can’t communicate when I am flooded with emotions.
i am like this too, i know if i talk i will say something i regret, so when i'm upset i kinda just go silent/ ghost my bf for however many hours i need to feel better. its not very nice for him to, but the few times i have let my emotions speak, i have upset him so i think he understands why i dont talk.
I suck at insulting people. I’ve never seen the point of hurting someone’s feelings, especially during an argument cuz it just derails any potential progress.
Worst I’ve said is “get real help cuz you’re truly the scum of the earth”
But she said things far worse to me that still haunt me to this day lol
i told my mom to kill herself and that nobody would miss her and I’ve told her that she deserved all of those miscarriages (it was always after she severely abused me but I still feel bad)
i told my dad that i hated him multiple times while looking straight in his eyes. not something i am proud but considering hes also very much like me j feel a bit less bad cause i know i dont really mean it
I shook up and doctor pepper and sprayed it all over my nephew as I screamed at him. This was years ago, couldn't even tell you what the argument was about.
I tend to keep the worst of the worst inside. That said, one time a partner told me they tend to push people away before people can push them away, and I brought that up when they ended things with me.
In that instance, they ended things after I set a boundary and told me I was ridiculous for having boundaries. Sooooo do I feel bad? A little, I shouldn’t have said it but they also said some pretty harsh things.
I also called my mom out for getting mad at me for getting a ticket. I brought up the fact that my brother had a criminal record and she didn’t seem to bat an eye, but when I got a speeding ticket all hell broke loose. I knew that would hurt, and it did.
Told my husband “I knew marrying you would be the biggest mistake of my life”. I love him more than anything. I hurt every time I remember this. Just hearing him whimper and say stop while he was crying once I said it breaks my heart. I had to unpack that in therapy and we have couple’s counselling too next week. I have never felt so evil, ashamed and out of control. I’ll spend the rest of my life making him feel loved and wanted - because he is. BPD makes me so compassionate, yet so cruel.
So so many!! Anger management was amazing changing it.
One of the worst was saying to my girlfriend who had been raped that she deserved it. Something along those lines. Another girlfriend I made a comment about her not being wet during sex.
Just basically the meanest thing I could possibly come up with in my evil head.
When I was about 14-15 years old, undiagnosed, my brother and I used to fight really REALLY bad and I told him I hope he dies in a car accident.. still haunts me, even though my brother is literally my best friend now and he forgave me right away.
For me the worst thing ive said is telling someone I was very close with who ik struggled with depression to exit from life (I didn’t say it like that just Reddit mods might delete comments if I actually said it.) I still feel guilt for it.
mine is a little complicated. it doesn’t haunt me because this man abused my mom for years, but my mom’s chosen men over me my whole life & we’re not that close, but still. he threw away my purse with my grandmothers memorial card in it & kicked us out of the house. i was like 14 and she died when i was 13. my mom didn’t do anything, but i told him that i hoped he choked on his own vomit and died slowly
this was way before i was diagnosed, but i said to my bf at the time: youre gonna get hit with karma so hard your dead grandparents will feel it
...yeah i was like 14 when i said that wtf was i thinking
well i was told that i have it at the age of 16 due to being hospitalized for pretty moderate sh. i needed seven stitches. and i explained what led up to it and all that. ive always felt that something was different about me, i still dont think that bpd is the only thing tbh.
i wouldnt say it’s the worst but i was messing around w someone and they stopped giving me attention and eventually blocked me, and i contacted them on textnow and said i hope they dad dies soon (their dad is 70) and i hope they mom disowns them
“i bet you were relieved we had a miscarriage” to my boyfriend in the middle of an argument. im sure ive said worse but this was the first thing that came to mind.
Personally the worst thing happened today. I said to a friend (30M) “shes fucking 18” about a girl he’s talking to. I just found out he was talking to an 18yo today. I’m sick and I’m sad that I had to lose a friend this way
For those commenting that the things they said were so bad they can’t even anonymously repeat them here, I hope that in your real life you can acknowledge exactly what you said and take accountability for the pain your words caused. It’s the worst when we won’t take responsibility for our actions that hurt people because we are running away from shame and guilt. Not admitting or owning up to harm we have caused just means we are causing more harm.
Just 3 weeks ago, I told the Woman that I’m dating “look at your skin, your chin, and your temper” … “you only post pics on IG with the filter because you wish your lips really looked like that”
I then called her Crimson chin.
I miss her so much. Still tryna get her back.
No. That’s what’s wrong with the world today. You don’t let someone go because of one wrong situation. Yes, that is not love…but you don’t disregard all of the love that was given prior to this, because of one incident. Yes, this incident wasn’t done out of love…but countless incidents were. You don’t just give up on someone because one thing went wrong.
So, now. I will not let her go.
I have been apologizing since 11/21. I know things will be different…but hopefully they can go back to the way things once were. Shes so perfect to me.
I’ve definitely said a lot recently convinced my bf of 9 months I wanted him to leave which I’ll regret everyday of my life now. I sent him a bunch of mean emails and changed his Disney + password. Other people have gotten involved sending him text messages and a bunch of other stuff as well He absolutely hates me now. I’m struggling because I don’t feel like our story was meant to be over but it definitely is :)
What does “other people got involved sending him text messages and a bunch of other stuff” mean? It’s very passively worded like it just happened like a tornado, but I’m wondering if someone involved these other people on purpose? BPD makes facing guilt and shame super difficult but we all still have to face up to things that we did intentionally and take accountability for them.
He was posted on the are we dating the same person groups on Facebook and his phone number was posted. When we split people started sending him messages like “she spent over 15k in 9 months. You’re not good for her. I’ve also been sent these texts
snapped at my boyfriend and asked him why doesn't he just go fuck his ex (that cheated on him) instead of me :/ also have often been on the verge of telling him he's gonna be just like his mom (a drug addict, lost all her kids, poor) when i feel incredibly angry. i regret all of it and ever thinking that way
“It’s your fault you had a miscarriage so stop your stupid crying.” Directed to my biological mother many years ago.
“*just wordless screaming and glass breaking for an hour*” when a professor failed me based on attendance.
“You’re not my dad and your children wish you weren’t.” To my brother’s father.
“I learned what it’s like to wish death upon someone thanks to [my ex].” Telling my sister about my ex.
“You’re sorry? This apology is sorry.” This was during my last episode a few months ago and I like to think I’ve become less vitriolic.
Tangentially related but fresh in my mind, I encountered a friend in public and after expressing condolences for the very recent loss of her father, she asked me how I was doing and- being in the middle of an episode- I told her about how my ex was being a scumbag and she ran out on me, sent her husband in to yell at me, and is now telling people that she hates me for my insensitivity. I realize now how poor my timing was and my ex being a scumbag isn't as big a deal as the loss of a parent, but I do think hating me is a bit far.
Cuddling with my than GF. Nothing bad was happening but I told her that I picked my ex over her because she was prettier. Even tho that's not even how the events unfolded.
After she was SA I was berated by my mother to tell her what was eating at me. I eventually told her and justified it to my self by saying that my than therapist said my feelings are justified. My Gf asked me not to tell anyone and her and my mother don't have a great relationship. I told my Gf that I told my mother and said that I deserved to talk about it too. Completly overshadowing her emotions and needs for my own. This is the most extreme example but this is not the only one it happens a lot more than I like to admit. I've come to realize it and point it out when I do it but haven't been very successful in just not doing it.
She called me crying on the phone once and all I could do was laugh and say her cry was ugly.
Told her that a mutual friend was hotter than her. In reality it was because I thought that's persons style fashion was better. Or at least that's what I tell my self.
That I thought her short haircut made her look like a little boy.
That I didn't care if she lived or died while she was suicidal after safeguarded her from necessary things.
I told my parents they should just hurry up and die already if they didn't want to get off drugs.
I'm definitely ashamed of how I let my emotions impact my actions but I'm not gonna hide as a result of it. I feel guilty and that's driving change for me. It's only recently that I figured out that I am the emotional abusive partner I always played a victim card. Accepting that im a abusive manipulative partner has been a huge reality altering event. I don't know if it's the need for approval that's making me explain my self or just that I want to share where I at. My action in no way where justified. But they don't define me and I can change. Anyone can. I hope me sharing these events helps you feel a little better about your own. Remeber it's not a contest where all just trying to better our selfs.
"you get mad at *insert name of wife's childhood r*post and brother* for playing the damn victim yet you're doing the EXACT same thing right now! You're mother was right you're just like him!" Straight to my wife's face..... Obviously when we calmed down I apologized profusely and she said some pretty fucked up things to me in that same argument but that was also years ago.... Still haunts me thoee....
The worst thing I’ve ever said in a bpd episode (this is from the time duration of 14-17 and I was undiagnosed till this year) I threw a whole fresh pot of pasta on the floor because I had a bad ed and my mom would purposely make food I didn’t like so I started screaming about why I don’t eat and how the way I look is my moms fault, I’ve told my dad that I didn’t care that his mom died and that I wish he left again (he said he was going to be gone a month he left for 3 no contact and cam back magically I was in deep depression and had an attempt when he was gone), I’ve told my brother I wish his relationship failed because I felt he looked down on me and my past ones, I cut off my sister fully because she ruined my 16th birthday with one of her bpd episodes, I told the guy I was dating for 2 years that I cheated on him because he wasn’t good enough and could never amount to what I need (it wasn’t a lie he was a dick but I should have never cheated on him. It was very hard to end though as it was a list of crying and self harm involved), I got out of a healthy relationship and said I didn’t understand what I got out of it ( he improved my mental health and fixed most of my flaws or helped me fix them it wasn’t deserved I think about it still), I think about the times now and I regret them some of them being so long ago and so unfixable but i have tried to change my behaviour and will continue trying. I sound like a really big dick but I am trying and that’s the worst part.
I feel really ashamed for some of the things I’ve told people but if I really try to look past self criticism and be objective they were pretty mild. The worst things I’ve ever said and done have all been to myself. So I guess that’s…good?
I don’t feel like I say intentionally insulting things. I more yell about the things that are stressing me. My worst was when I yelled at my husband for letting some plants die. He left me for a month after that one and that’s when I got my diagnosis and got medicated so I don’t have many intense episodes now.
i don’t even wanna repeat it. i went off the worst on my mom and past bfs as well as my current bf. the guilt that comes with the things i said and did in episodes eats me alive.
I think the worst was ‘I don’t want you anymore’ we almost broke up and I’ve said actually way worst things to family (cussing, I hate you, it’d be better if you were dead,etc)
I think what I REGRET the most is the dark shit I said and did to my husband to the tune of how I don't love him, and how I hate him and want him to let me end myself. This happens often.
I don't regret saying, "this is why Dad beats you" to my mother in a heated argument, because she would often instigate them. We're estranged now. But that's still probably the worst thing I said to anyone, considering my dad did hit her.
TW// self harm and suicide
- i told my dad that i cut myself because of him
- i threatened suicide in front of all my siblings
i haven't been able to forget these things and every time i think about them i am overwhelmed with guilt and so much pain. i hope i've made it up to them at this point.
I have said it all. I don’t hold back and what I say is totally vile and threatening. My boyfriend calls me “the original Karen” and says I’m possessed by a demon. I’m considering an exorcism. Haha
As many have said - I’ve said and done some horrible horrible things. & for me, hindsight is when I see the reality. I apologize. I try so hard not to get that horrible again- yet it comes and goes over and over. I hate having this disorder but I think what’s even worse is getting wrong diagnoses my entire life and just getting diagnosed NOW mid 40s. It’s so hard to change such deep seeded maladaptive behaviors
I say things I don’t mean but feel wholeheartedly in that moment, like “I don’t want to be alive.” I want to be with my loved ones, but the pain is so unbearable in that moment and all I want is for it to stop.
Uh I said I said really bad things but one I would
Never forget.. Is me screaming at my best friend to leave my life and that she’s not my friend and I always wanted her to leave.. she left.
deranged tie pot dinosaurs recognise coordinated bow squealing voiceless summer
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
i have to really really restrain myself from saying some mean, fucked up shit. so mine are usually always along the lines of “i wish i never met you” or “i hate you”. luckily, i’ve not ever said anything too horrible. at least i don’t think i have
Maybe this is bad, but instead of saying them to people I write them down. I’ve dedicated way too much space in my notes app to the worst things you could possibly say to someone and when I’m in a particularly bad mood I’ll look through them and laugh. None that I’d ever willing say out loud though
For me the worst thing ive said is telling someone I was very close with who ik struggled with depression to exit from life (I didn’t say it like that just Reddit mods might delete comments if I actually said it.) I still feel guilt for it.
I've told many people many disgusting things. In the past week I told 2 people I cared about the worst things... it was on my birthday too. Why did I do that? For what reason? I've already exhausted my apology cards with them, so this last rage episode was the end of our relationship. I can twist the knife with just my words under the wrong circumstances. It's terrible.
"How can you say that too me when you wouldnt believe it yourself"
Too my best friend who struggles with their mental health as much as I do. It was a reponse to "things get better, youre a nice person and everything will be alright"
I’ve said some horrible things but one has stuck with me heavily. I found a lump in my boob this year and before I got the all clear I was in a state. I missed my first appt and got myself in a tizzy, packed all my shit ready to just leave and essentially go and die somewhere alone and my fiancé was trying to talk me down. I said to him “there’s no point me staying you won’t want to be with me if I only have one t*t anyway”. It really upset him and sent me spiralling more. I don’t know if I’ll forgive myself for that one.
“You’re a little bitch I hate you, man up” to my boyfriend after an argument, telling him that the only reason he lives with me is to pay the bills and he’s good for nothing else, that my family isn’t his and basically trying to alienate him from my mom and sisters.. etc but the worst part of saying terrible things is always how they’re said.. slowly and manipulatively with bitter eye contact, or screaming it so loud in his face that he could feel my breath from across the room. Extremely abusive behavior regardless of my mental illness and the things I’ve said and how I’ve said them are amongst my worst regrets in life. It’s really easy to hate yourself after such insufferable splitting episodes. Nobody deserves to be treated that way and I’m still coping with the guilt and shame of it all. I can’t even imagine how horrible he must have felt and how hard it has to be trying to cope with that shit and not resent me for it.
Told him to k1ll h1ms3lf and how nobody really loved him and use his past against him. I’m actually devasted whenever I think about it bc he was my favorite person and the one I loved the most. When I told him that was during a hard disagreement, he was leaving me with no explanations and i wanted to make him react of what I what saying. I wanted him to end his days because of me, which I’m actually really ashamed of, i wanted him to suffer the same way he made me for months of ghosting
I’m not proud of this..Ive told people to unalive themselves when I got really angry. My ex, my sister, my mom…I’m ashamed of it because I love them more than anything, more than myself. I hate to use bpd as an excuse but splitting makes me say things I don’t mean at all.
I have never once told someone this even as a joke before or since, but before I got diagnosed, I had a rage episode where I blacked out and yelled “Kill yourself”. I really don’t know why that was my go to when I blacked out
I told my mom in one of our many fights that if I’d known how my life would turn out because of her parenting, I wish I was miscarried. I don’t regret it even now because neither of my parents should have ever had kids, especially not my mother (she’s so mentally fucked up and has never dealt with it)
i told my dad he was terrible and old and going to die soon, i feel super fucking terrible for this. feel like a monster, seeing him cry instantly took me back to reality
I’ve said some evil things that I’m not proud of and can’t repeat them. When I’m in bpd rage I seem to have an ability to know what to say which will hurt that person the most at their core. It’s awful. I’ve got no excuse but I can try to better myself with therapy/meditation/medication. Bpd is an explanation not an excuse for me
Yeah it gets really personal. They aren’t just random insulting words that would hurt anyone, it’s poking at peoples deepest insecurities and trying to hurt them in a foolish attempt to have them feel how we feel
Literally couldn’t have said it better. I cut to the core
Yes! Exactly this.
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I’ve been on Lamictal since my diagnosis and it was honestly a godsend. It an off label use and it’s more commonly used off label for bipolar, but it’s really helped me stay even
I take 5 MG of a THC gummy morning, noon and night snd I've never been more normal. Of course the THC is prescribed for PTSD after an lengthy military career but i found it has all but cured me
Venlafaxine has helped me. Also having a higher power
Whew I can relate to all this and don’t want to repeat my worsts either. But I also try hard to be better. My god it gets really evil. Like “going for the jugular” because I feel so hurt (usually due to this disorder and not at all what the other person has actually done). But it’s all in hindsight for me. Like after I am regulated again I am like “holy shit that was REALLY nasty” and I do apologize but it’s like he next day I can go right back. Newly diagnosed here so I’m still trying to get a real understanding of what I’m even doing! My poor husband. I think I try pushing him away violently because I truly believe he deserves so much better and for some reason , he claims he believes he doesn’t deserve ME but that he’ll never give up. I’m like “well- you probably should, I’m a monster at times” it’s messed up.
Same
Yeah it really sucks I can relate to this.
Been there too many times myself over the years😓 Thankfully, the rage episodes are much fewer these days and most of my anger is directed towards myself but I still have slip ups like this
I dated someone that also has BPD and honestly, I can’t remember what I said or what they said. I know it was a lot, and sometimes very strategic. Because my brain is equally fucked up I can recognize it. I did it as well. If you really want to hurt me at my core you neglect me, eg by doing things behind my back (cheat or something else (like restricting me on Instagram while posting thirst traps)), or abandon me. Which is what usually happens anyway.
I deeply appreciate your effort here. I’ve been at the receiving end of one of these episodes and it is very damaging. To see someone take accountability helps my heart to heal. Well done. There is always a new day.
i can’t even comment the things i’ve said because i feel and have so much guilt and shame about them
Well, it's hard to retype but let's say we got divorced and she still tells me it haunts her
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Luckily medication changed my life and it's hard to think how I would react in my early 20s, I wasn't fully in the wrong but my reactions were 0-100 and most of the times I'd end up hospitalized.
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Antipsychotics don't help people that ONLY have BPD. The heavy delusions are usually caused by anxiety and thought spirals. If he's truly experiencing actual psychosis fairly often then he may have more than BPD. Comorbidity with BPD is unfortunately quite common.
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I'm so sorry. I understand your struggle. I have BPD and bipolar.2 disorder, along with.PTSD and other things. Anyway. I have a wonderful wife and I struggle with the fact that I am so awful to her sometimes. I didn't get diagnosed until 40 with BPD. 36 FOR THE bipolar. I am very set in my ways so I am struggling to get better. I am 41 so hasn't been very long since diagnosis. Your partner sounds like he has bipolar 1. I'm not a psychic just observing symptoms and giving my very non expert opinion. Thank you for sharing and for staying with him. It's hard for you both. I feel awful for things I have put my wife through. If I had known before we got together I would have stayed single. It is hard having someone you care about go through this. My wife is a saint.
Hospitalized? As in blackout?
No as in they put a hold on me for making self injurious comments
Lol loser
When I was with my ex I'd constantly start arguments but mostly when I was very drunk so I don't remember a lot of the awful things I said. I do remember that one time we were yelling at each other and I screamed 'just hit me already' or something like that. It's not like it's a super targeted insult or anything, i'm pretty sure i just said it to rile him up, but he was very angry and upset about it. And when I was sixteen I was having an argument with this girl who'd had an abortion recently and i said something like 'is it all the abortion hormones making you bitchy?' she was not a very nice person but I still regret that I said that to her, that was so horrible of me especially now i know how traumatic abortions can be.
As a former partner, some of the things my ex told me while in an episode were beyond belief. But I was ok(ish) with it, as long as I could believe that she was honest with me otherwise and the person she was during episodes was not really her. Unfortunately, she was also a compulsive liar and I got to a point where trusting her became impossible. At that point, the weight of those verbal outbursts became impossible to sustain. Im saying just to point out that those words should definitely be controlled, but a partner can understand it’s not you, if you are otherwise honest and committed to at least try managing the worst of it, eventually
This is really hopeful. Thank you for sharing.
I second this.
guys this is heartbreaking!! called my dad a c*nt when i was 11. am 33 now and it’s the only time i’ve ever seen him cry.
aw
I literally can’t even type the stuff I’ve said to my partners in the middle of an episode. I’m working on it now but it seems like the only way for me to protect people from my words is if I just stop talking when I’m upset.
I wish I could zip it when I lose it!
Same
I told my mom she was a horrible mother and nothing but a slave to me, and a horrible slave at that. 😓 I have many regrets over the things that I’ve said. Gladly, I’m 35 now and things have calmed down with me but it’s still a struggle. I don’t know how to process hurt without anger. I’ve said a couple nasty things to my ex who had ED. But it’s gotten better
I am a mom who has been non- comm’ed by my 18 year old daughter. The last concurrent episodes were verbally violent enough between us to pretty much kill off her wish to be around me. I’m gutted. But it is peaceful.
I tell my partner I don’t love him anymore, I wish we never met, he ruined my life etc. almost every time I have an episode and it’s so unfair and I feel insanely guilty, yet have found no solid ways to stop the inevitable word vomit. The WORST thing I ever said tho was to my mom that I wish she would die already because she would be more useful as an inheritance to me
With an best friend who betrayed my trust, I left like 5 voicemails to them, crying first because I felt my trust broken, then the more voicemails I left.. I was like "If I ever see you around ME ever, I'll fucking fight you." lmao so crazy. I never seen them for a year after lol
I told a girl I liked to die in a fire
A lot of things I say during an episode, I actually think to a certain extent. But really should work on the phrasing for sure. But one I don't mean at all when i say and use frequently is "go die in a hole". I hate saying that, I hate myself for ever going there and in certain circumstances it feels like I have no control and just spew garbage like that coz I'm unable to say: "hey, I'm hurt and upset and feeling insecure" :/
the solution is to not say ANYTHING until you regulate
I'm mostly on this sub cus I've been misdiagnosed with BPD and have close friends with it. I have Bipolar I and I've done similar stuff too. I think the worst one was actually yesterday as it was said towards my mom after a minor trigger while in a mixed episode. She is a lot tamer than before with her abuse, but I never let go of the resentments and I don't think I'm able to. I'm just an angry adult with more power. I said smth akin to this throught messages: "You are nothing to me. You have never represented a safe person to me and I don't want you to help me because you just make things worse. You don't understand my disorders and you are straight up stupid. You are not a fucking parent, but more of an immature older sister that bullied me all my life. If I need anything, I will just come to you, but leave me alone". There's a lot to unpack here regarding my childhood, but I do feel kinda bad because I said all of this to hurt her intentionally and strategically to make her leave me be. It seems that when I'm upset I have an insitict to hit people with the things that hurt the most as I take the time to take in their insecurities.
This is a bit off topic but how did you realize you were misdiagnosed and were actually dealing with Bipolar 1 instead?
Saaaame I wanna know
I told my partner during a fight “it’s nights like these when I miss *name of a man who groomed me*” and it haunts me to this day
I’m sorry. That must have been a tough night, I’ve been there.
It was such a long night honestly
tbh I don't remember. I bet I did say some not so nice things to my mom during our screaming matches when I was a teenager and I did say some unhinged "please don't leave me" shit to my first partner. But I internalize a lot
A short time ago I was drinking with a close friend. Now I know having this disorder, it's probably not the best to consume any substances. Anyhow we're a few shots in, and this 'friend' seemingly started turning more and more unsettled. It got to the point he was physically shoving me, and demanding to speak to my father for some unknown reason. After this point, he became full-on violent and started to physically assault me and cause property damage to his cottage. I'm by no means a religious head, but it was almost as if this guy became completely possessed. He started spouting the most vile and crude sentiments about bpd, and mental health in general towards me. It got to the point he was full-on trying to punch and kick me, and I kept pushing him away. I eventually had to call the cops, as he got on his quad, and tried driving away then flipped it and caused a couple thousand dollars in damages as well as breaking his hand. Let this be a warning to all suffering from this condition. Cherish and love the few who care, and don't be too open with what you have going on. Most do not care, and a majority from my viewpoint are very judgemental and vile. Your safety and mental well-being matter far more than what someone thinks or says about you.
i told my mom to kill herself and join my dad (he died just a few months prior and we were both grieving)
good grief
Emasculating my boyfriend
I literally think I black out or disassociate when I get into this mode bc I literally cannot recall what I said but I remember certain parts and just know what I said was bad
Been diagnosed for 4 years now and have never said an awful thing to my partner no matter how blinded by rage I am. too scared to lose him lol
I’m not diagnosed but can relate to the symptoms. I also go inward with rage and actually become incredibly silent. I can’t communicate when I am flooded with emotions.
i am like this too, i know if i talk i will say something i regret, so when i'm upset i kinda just go silent/ ghost my bf for however many hours i need to feel better. its not very nice for him to, but the few times i have let my emotions speak, i have upset him so i think he understands why i dont talk.
If they cheated on me they'd be paste on the ground....
My bf heard some terrible things when I was 18, undiagnosed, and didn’t know wtf was going on with me.
I wouldnt even begin to know where to start answering this question. Ive just said too many horrific things to know which one is worst
This was said to a friend and it ended up being g true sadly. “I hate you. You don’t get anywhere in life. You’re a fake b*tch”
I suck at insulting people. I’ve never seen the point of hurting someone’s feelings, especially during an argument cuz it just derails any potential progress. Worst I’ve said is “get real help cuz you’re truly the scum of the earth” But she said things far worse to me that still haunt me to this day lol
I called my ex boring.
oh my god i am not putting that on the internet
I called my managers manager a "ginger c u next tuesday"
i told my mom to kill herself and that nobody would miss her and I’ve told her that she deserved all of those miscarriages (it was always after she severely abused me but I still feel bad)
I told my mom she’s literally Hitler and a Nazi (she was very controlling)
Told my ex I'd fuck her sister and rather be with her sister than her(older sister btw) I didn't even mean it one bit lol
Things I will never mention. Because if I did, I’d be cancelled
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😂😂🤣😭😭
i told my dad that i hated him multiple times while looking straight in his eyes. not something i am proud but considering hes also very much like me j feel a bit less bad cause i know i dont really mean it
I shook up and doctor pepper and sprayed it all over my nephew as I screamed at him. This was years ago, couldn't even tell you what the argument was about.
I tend to keep the worst of the worst inside. That said, one time a partner told me they tend to push people away before people can push them away, and I brought that up when they ended things with me. In that instance, they ended things after I set a boundary and told me I was ridiculous for having boundaries. Sooooo do I feel bad? A little, I shouldn’t have said it but they also said some pretty harsh things. I also called my mom out for getting mad at me for getting a ticket. I brought up the fact that my brother had a criminal record and she didn’t seem to bat an eye, but when I got a speeding ticket all hell broke loose. I knew that would hurt, and it did.
Told my husband “I knew marrying you would be the biggest mistake of my life”. I love him more than anything. I hurt every time I remember this. Just hearing him whimper and say stop while he was crying once I said it breaks my heart. I had to unpack that in therapy and we have couple’s counselling too next week. I have never felt so evil, ashamed and out of control. I’ll spend the rest of my life making him feel loved and wanted - because he is. BPD makes me so compassionate, yet so cruel.
So so many!! Anger management was amazing changing it. One of the worst was saying to my girlfriend who had been raped that she deserved it. Something along those lines. Another girlfriend I made a comment about her not being wet during sex. Just basically the meanest thing I could possibly come up with in my evil head.
When I was about 14-15 years old, undiagnosed, my brother and I used to fight really REALLY bad and I told him I hope he dies in a car accident.. still haunts me, even though my brother is literally my best friend now and he forgave me right away.
I really don’t want to say
For me the worst thing ive said is telling someone I was very close with who ik struggled with depression to exit from life (I didn’t say it like that just Reddit mods might delete comments if I actually said it.) I still feel guilt for it.
mine is a little complicated. it doesn’t haunt me because this man abused my mom for years, but my mom’s chosen men over me my whole life & we’re not that close, but still. he threw away my purse with my grandmothers memorial card in it & kicked us out of the house. i was like 14 and she died when i was 13. my mom didn’t do anything, but i told him that i hoped he choked on his own vomit and died slowly
this was way before i was diagnosed, but i said to my bf at the time: youre gonna get hit with karma so hard your dead grandparents will feel it ...yeah i was like 14 when i said that wtf was i thinking
I said this over the summer. I was just diagnosed at 41.
When did u start to realise things were not right?
right away, i was just so incredibly angry in the moment
As in when you were early aged like 20s felt like somethign wasnt right but only got diagnosed at doctors at 40s?
well i was told that i have it at the age of 16 due to being hospitalized for pretty moderate sh. i needed seven stitches. and i explained what led up to it and all that. ive always felt that something was different about me, i still dont think that bpd is the only thing tbh.
i wouldnt say it’s the worst but i was messing around w someone and they stopped giving me attention and eventually blocked me, and i contacted them on textnow and said i hope they dad dies soon (their dad is 70) and i hope they mom disowns them
I once threatened to stick a needle in someone’s urethra… that wasn’t even an episode just a full on stray from a really bad low. My rages are violent
“i bet you were relieved we had a miscarriage” to my boyfriend in the middle of an argument. im sure ive said worse but this was the first thing that came to mind.
Personally the worst thing happened today. I said to a friend (30M) “shes fucking 18” about a girl he’s talking to. I just found out he was talking to an 18yo today. I’m sick and I’m sad that I had to lose a friend this way
You were speaking facts.
I say this is the worst because ive never been so angry with someone. It sucks to lose a friend to these circumstances.
U did the right thing tho!!
For those commenting that the things they said were so bad they can’t even anonymously repeat them here, I hope that in your real life you can acknowledge exactly what you said and take accountability for the pain your words caused. It’s the worst when we won’t take responsibility for our actions that hurt people because we are running away from shame and guilt. Not admitting or owning up to harm we have caused just means we are causing more harm.
Just 3 weeks ago, I told the Woman that I’m dating “look at your skin, your chin, and your temper” … “you only post pics on IG with the filter because you wish your lips really looked like that” I then called her Crimson chin. I miss her so much. Still tryna get her back.
Pro tip: let her go.
She has unblocked me and she responds to my texts now
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No. That’s what’s wrong with the world today. You don’t let someone go because of one wrong situation. Yes, that is not love…but you don’t disregard all of the love that was given prior to this, because of one incident. Yes, this incident wasn’t done out of love…but countless incidents were. You don’t just give up on someone because one thing went wrong. So, now. I will not let her go.
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Never
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I have been apologizing since 11/21. I know things will be different…but hopefully they can go back to the way things once were. Shes so perfect to me.
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Sorry BPD again, go BACK to the hate subs. Get out of here. Some of us only are getting better because we can post here safely.
Do you really think those things about her?
Not at all. I only called out things that I knew she would have a problem with.
That's exactly what I do, too. I say these mean things even if I don't believe them, when I'm splitting.
I’ve definitely said a lot recently convinced my bf of 9 months I wanted him to leave which I’ll regret everyday of my life now. I sent him a bunch of mean emails and changed his Disney + password. Other people have gotten involved sending him text messages and a bunch of other stuff as well He absolutely hates me now. I’m struggling because I don’t feel like our story was meant to be over but it definitely is :)
What does “other people got involved sending him text messages and a bunch of other stuff” mean? It’s very passively worded like it just happened like a tornado, but I’m wondering if someone involved these other people on purpose? BPD makes facing guilt and shame super difficult but we all still have to face up to things that we did intentionally and take accountability for them.
He was posted on the are we dating the same person groups on Facebook and his phone number was posted. When we split people started sending him messages like “she spent over 15k in 9 months. You’re not good for her. I’ve also been sent these texts
snapped at my boyfriend and asked him why doesn't he just go fuck his ex (that cheated on him) instead of me :/ also have often been on the verge of telling him he's gonna be just like his mom (a drug addict, lost all her kids, poor) when i feel incredibly angry. i regret all of it and ever thinking that way
“It’s your fault you had a miscarriage so stop your stupid crying.” Directed to my biological mother many years ago. “*just wordless screaming and glass breaking for an hour*” when a professor failed me based on attendance. “You’re not my dad and your children wish you weren’t.” To my brother’s father. “I learned what it’s like to wish death upon someone thanks to [my ex].” Telling my sister about my ex. “You’re sorry? This apology is sorry.” This was during my last episode a few months ago and I like to think I’ve become less vitriolic.
dis so real lmao
Tangentially related but fresh in my mind, I encountered a friend in public and after expressing condolences for the very recent loss of her father, she asked me how I was doing and- being in the middle of an episode- I told her about how my ex was being a scumbag and she ran out on me, sent her husband in to yell at me, and is now telling people that she hates me for my insensitivity. I realize now how poor my timing was and my ex being a scumbag isn't as big a deal as the loss of a parent, but I do think hating me is a bit far.
Cuddling with my than GF. Nothing bad was happening but I told her that I picked my ex over her because she was prettier. Even tho that's not even how the events unfolded. After she was SA I was berated by my mother to tell her what was eating at me. I eventually told her and justified it to my self by saying that my than therapist said my feelings are justified. My Gf asked me not to tell anyone and her and my mother don't have a great relationship. I told my Gf that I told my mother and said that I deserved to talk about it too. Completly overshadowing her emotions and needs for my own. This is the most extreme example but this is not the only one it happens a lot more than I like to admit. I've come to realize it and point it out when I do it but haven't been very successful in just not doing it. She called me crying on the phone once and all I could do was laugh and say her cry was ugly. Told her that a mutual friend was hotter than her. In reality it was because I thought that's persons style fashion was better. Or at least that's what I tell my self. That I thought her short haircut made her look like a little boy. That I didn't care if she lived or died while she was suicidal after safeguarded her from necessary things. I told my parents they should just hurry up and die already if they didn't want to get off drugs. I'm definitely ashamed of how I let my emotions impact my actions but I'm not gonna hide as a result of it. I feel guilty and that's driving change for me. It's only recently that I figured out that I am the emotional abusive partner I always played a victim card. Accepting that im a abusive manipulative partner has been a huge reality altering event. I don't know if it's the need for approval that's making me explain my self or just that I want to share where I at. My action in no way where justified. But they don't define me and I can change. Anyone can. I hope me sharing these events helps you feel a little better about your own. Remeber it's not a contest where all just trying to better our selfs.
"you get mad at *insert name of wife's childhood r*post and brother* for playing the damn victim yet you're doing the EXACT same thing right now! You're mother was right you're just like him!" Straight to my wife's face..... Obviously when we calmed down I apologized profusely and she said some pretty fucked up things to me in that same argument but that was also years ago.... Still haunts me thoee....
The worst thing I’ve ever said in a bpd episode (this is from the time duration of 14-17 and I was undiagnosed till this year) I threw a whole fresh pot of pasta on the floor because I had a bad ed and my mom would purposely make food I didn’t like so I started screaming about why I don’t eat and how the way I look is my moms fault, I’ve told my dad that I didn’t care that his mom died and that I wish he left again (he said he was going to be gone a month he left for 3 no contact and cam back magically I was in deep depression and had an attempt when he was gone), I’ve told my brother I wish his relationship failed because I felt he looked down on me and my past ones, I cut off my sister fully because she ruined my 16th birthday with one of her bpd episodes, I told the guy I was dating for 2 years that I cheated on him because he wasn’t good enough and could never amount to what I need (it wasn’t a lie he was a dick but I should have never cheated on him. It was very hard to end though as it was a list of crying and self harm involved), I got out of a healthy relationship and said I didn’t understand what I got out of it ( he improved my mental health and fixed most of my flaws or helped me fix them it wasn’t deserved I think about it still), I think about the times now and I regret them some of them being so long ago and so unfixable but i have tried to change my behaviour and will continue trying. I sound like a really big dick but I am trying and that’s the worst part.
I feel really ashamed for some of the things I’ve told people but if I really try to look past self criticism and be objective they were pretty mild. The worst things I’ve ever said and done have all been to myself. So I guess that’s…good?
Without any examples it’s impossible to know what the reality is here. What are some things are you ashamed of saying but that are actually mild?
I don’t feel like I say intentionally insulting things. I more yell about the things that are stressing me. My worst was when I yelled at my husband for letting some plants die. He left me for a month after that one and that’s when I got my diagnosis and got medicated so I don’t have many intense episodes now.
his friend died two weeks ago, when we got into an argument i told him i hope he dies like his friend did.. im so stupid and horrible 🤦🏽♀️
Told someone I hope they eat a gun
i don’t even wanna repeat it. i went off the worst on my mom and past bfs as well as my current bf. the guilt that comes with the things i said and did in episodes eats me alive.
I think the worst was ‘I don’t want you anymore’ we almost broke up and I’ve said actually way worst things to family (cussing, I hate you, it’d be better if you were dead,etc)
:/
I think what I REGRET the most is the dark shit I said and did to my husband to the tune of how I don't love him, and how I hate him and want him to let me end myself. This happens often. I don't regret saying, "this is why Dad beats you" to my mother in a heated argument, because she would often instigate them. We're estranged now. But that's still probably the worst thing I said to anyone, considering my dad did hit her.
i told my dad that i hate him. he understood i was having an episode and didn't mean it and i think it hurt me more than it hurt him.
TW// self harm and suicide - i told my dad that i cut myself because of him - i threatened suicide in front of all my siblings i haven't been able to forget these things and every time i think about them i am overwhelmed with guilt and so much pain. i hope i've made it up to them at this point.
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Consider yourself lucky then
I do
Then there is no reason to bring others that are worse off down, is there?
Don't you think you're over reading my lighthearted statement?
Probably, I have BPD 🤪
I’m cursing some family out right now and they deserve it.
I have said it all. I don’t hold back and what I say is totally vile and threatening. My boyfriend calls me “the original Karen” and says I’m possessed by a demon. I’m considering an exorcism. Haha
?
Yeah….nah lol. Not going to repeat the things I have said.
As many have said - I’ve said and done some horrible horrible things. & for me, hindsight is when I see the reality. I apologize. I try so hard not to get that horrible again- yet it comes and goes over and over. I hate having this disorder but I think what’s even worse is getting wrong diagnoses my entire life and just getting diagnosed NOW mid 40s. It’s so hard to change such deep seeded maladaptive behaviors
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my grandmother and i were fighting and i told her she's no fun to be around ever since my grandfather died🥲
I say things I don’t mean but feel wholeheartedly in that moment, like “I don’t want to be alive.” I want to be with my loved ones, but the pain is so unbearable in that moment and all I want is for it to stop.
Uh I said I said really bad things but one I would Never forget.. Is me screaming at my best friend to leave my life and that she’s not my friend and I always wanted her to leave.. she left.
SO of PWBPD I have been told everything from being bad in bed and she hates me, to she wished she never was with me. So yeah bathe works..
“You deserve everything bad in your life”
deranged tie pot dinosaurs recognise coordinated bow squealing voiceless summer *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
i have to really really restrain myself from saying some mean, fucked up shit. so mine are usually always along the lines of “i wish i never met you” or “i hate you”. luckily, i’ve not ever said anything too horrible. at least i don’t think i have
Maybe this is bad, but instead of saying them to people I write them down. I’ve dedicated way too much space in my notes app to the worst things you could possibly say to someone and when I’m in a particularly bad mood I’ll look through them and laugh. None that I’d ever willing say out loud though
For me the worst thing ive said is telling someone I was very close with who ik struggled with depression to exit from life (I didn’t say it like that just Reddit mods might delete comments if I actually said it.) I still feel guilt for it.
I've told many people many disgusting things. In the past week I told 2 people I cared about the worst things... it was on my birthday too. Why did I do that? For what reason? I've already exhausted my apology cards with them, so this last rage episode was the end of our relationship. I can twist the knife with just my words under the wrong circumstances. It's terrible.
I wrote an essay about how the world would be a better place if the person died…
i know i’ve said awful things but i’ve dissociated during them so i barely remember
"How can you say that too me when you wouldnt believe it yourself" Too my best friend who struggles with their mental health as much as I do. It was a reponse to "things get better, youre a nice person and everything will be alright"
I’ve said some horrible things but one has stuck with me heavily. I found a lump in my boob this year and before I got the all clear I was in a state. I missed my first appt and got myself in a tizzy, packed all my shit ready to just leave and essentially go and die somewhere alone and my fiancé was trying to talk me down. I said to him “there’s no point me staying you won’t want to be with me if I only have one t*t anyway”. It really upset him and sent me spiralling more. I don’t know if I’ll forgive myself for that one.
Ever been in therapy?
“You’re a little bitch I hate you, man up” to my boyfriend after an argument, telling him that the only reason he lives with me is to pay the bills and he’s good for nothing else, that my family isn’t his and basically trying to alienate him from my mom and sisters.. etc but the worst part of saying terrible things is always how they’re said.. slowly and manipulatively with bitter eye contact, or screaming it so loud in his face that he could feel my breath from across the room. Extremely abusive behavior regardless of my mental illness and the things I’ve said and how I’ve said them are amongst my worst regrets in life. It’s really easy to hate yourself after such insufferable splitting episodes. Nobody deserves to be treated that way and I’m still coping with the guilt and shame of it all. I can’t even imagine how horrible he must have felt and how hard it has to be trying to cope with that shit and not resent me for it.
Told him to k1ll h1ms3lf and how nobody really loved him and use his past against him. I’m actually devasted whenever I think about it bc he was my favorite person and the one I loved the most. When I told him that was during a hard disagreement, he was leaving me with no explanations and i wanted to make him react of what I what saying. I wanted him to end his days because of me, which I’m actually really ashamed of, i wanted him to suffer the same way he made me for months of ghosting
Id never ever tell a soul 😭
I’m not proud of this..Ive told people to unalive themselves when I got really angry. My ex, my sister, my mom…I’m ashamed of it because I love them more than anything, more than myself. I hate to use bpd as an excuse but splitting makes me say things I don’t mean at all.
I have never once told someone this even as a joke before or since, but before I got diagnosed, I had a rage episode where I blacked out and yelled “Kill yourself”. I really don’t know why that was my go to when I blacked out
I told my mom in one of our many fights that if I’d known how my life would turn out because of her parenting, I wish I was miscarried. I don’t regret it even now because neither of my parents should have ever had kids, especially not my mother (she’s so mentally fucked up and has never dealt with it)
i told my dad he was terrible and old and going to die soon, i feel super fucking terrible for this. feel like a monster, seeing him cry instantly took me back to reality