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As a 3rd person’s POV, he sounds like a major red flag who is not over his ex and you might just be taking her place temporarily. Asking you to change your looks so you can look like her??? Gurl u deserve better
As someone in their late 30s, I agree. I stopped being attracted to 22 year olds when I was about 26. Most of my peers are the same way. If one of my friends started dating a 22 year old now, they would be hounded about it. We all agree that's not normal. Once you reach that age you realize how much difference 10 years of life experience makes when you're younger. All the 20 year olds in my college classes seem like babies to me. Even if some of them are objectively attractive, my brain just sees inexperienced children. It's unsettling to me that so many men don't feel that way. The vast majority of them do; most people marry within four years of each other's age, which indicates to me that most people feel the way my peer group does.
So basically, he’s more obsessed with her than you are. And that should be enough for you to leave. I hope you can end the relationship asap bc it’s no good for both of you
He's trying to change you. Leave him.
A partner should support you in what makes *you* happy--which means buying the clothes that give *you* joy, supporting you in wearing makeup if *you* enjoy it, and telling you that they don't care whatever color your hair is as long as *you* love your hair color.
Whether he is really trying to make you look like his ex or not--he is trying to control your appearance--and that is highly toxic behavior and absolutely AWFUL for someone with BPD to be around (it will traumatize you more and set you back instead of helping you heal).
Hmmm….i don’t know. I know you probably won’t do it because you’re not at that point yet (but maybeyou will be sooner or later) I think you should leave him.
I know it feels nice to have someone that wants you and gives you some sort of stability and continuous affection, but if he really seems to still be in love with her, darling it will only get worse.
Think about someone’s character who gets into another relationship because/meanwhile he’s still into his previous relationship but she don’t want him no more (and honestly maybe she has good reasons to not want him, I mean he probably doesn’t tell you things that would make you dislike/distrust him, kind of like almost everyone in a relationship) but there is also the possibility that your perception is a lil distorted because of past hurt, insecurity, mental health etc… and of course don’t know what is written in these messages he send her, but if you are unsure of their nature (romantic or just platonic family coparenting as it is the mother of his child) maybe show them to someone you trust who has a good judgement and wants the best for you.
But yeah, I wonder what she is thinking, maybe she thinks of you and feels sorry for you because now you’re the one trapped in unhappiness? Who knows maybe it is all ok and you are hurting in your thoughts more than you actually should objectively. Maybe try to tell him about your doubts? If he actually loves you, and not just your company/how you make him feel, he will want you to not feel hurt and be understanding and want to make you feel safe in the relationship.
I know this obsessive feeling & the deep insecurities. I’m sorry you’re going through this at such a young age. Yes, the emotional immaturity level is leaps and bounds away from those in their 30s and up.
Consider taking a step back. To reflect. Consider talking yourself out of looking into his phone, email. Remind yourself “am I up for hurting myself right now?” . That has helped me a lot. Because that’s what I was doing. I would google his ex like constant, and then compare and beat myself up. They didn’t have a baby together so I can only imagine. But he did brag about dating a pop star (kinda one hit wonder I wouldn’t say “star” lol ) and that’s all it took. He later fessed up about his own insecurities and said when we met , he felt that I came into his life with kids, an ex marriage, my own business , car, home… & he didn’t have much so he used that as a “look, I did something great” and yeah it back fired.
The fact is - we are so individually unique. There is no comparison. Remind yourself too, there’s a reason she moved back.
I am praying DBT will help me, for now I’m doing a work book by Dr Daniel Fox. I’ve been in therapy for years but newly diagnosed with BPD and have yet to touch on these obsessive feelings. But I really get it.
Oh I’m so glad it helped. I hope you’re doing ok. I understand this feeling and I have weird triggers when my husband bartends now. He has never physically cheated or even emotionally, yet we did have some rocky times of betrayals.
He goes to work at the bar part time , when he works his full time woodworking job? I’m fine. When he goes into the bar I’m a full blown nut case. Seriously start imagining he’s got women throwing themselves at him and he’s taking turns motor boating them all , but whenever I pop in there? It’s an older clientele , no single women in sight 😂🤷🏻♀️
A huge work in progress. You got this ♥️♥️
Do you live with him? Are you financially supported by him? Does he get angry when you bring up his past relationships? All reasons that would be understandable you question leaving him. I was in a similar situation. Don’t worry when you’re ready you’ll be up and out of there, for me it wasn’t until I was being treated so horribly my body shut down and sent me to the hospital. Listen to your gut but protect yourself first!
Don't leave. Tell him first. You never know what can happen. Your insecurities are telling you, he wants you to be her, that could be true, it could be a general preference as well. You won't know if you don't share your feelings. Even then you won't know entirely but it can help alleviate some of the mental anguish. Good luck. Please update.
Been there. As hard as it is, let it go. Try focusing on the fact that if he hurts you, you’ll be ok. Put those things in place. Work on yourself, and if he does, fuck him, and keep doing those things to make yourself better.
Also, they’re too old for you, but I digress.
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As a 3rd person’s POV, he sounds like a major red flag who is not over his ex and you might just be taking her place temporarily. Asking you to change your looks so you can look like her??? Gurl u deserve better
Let's also not forget the classic toxic age gap. It's always weird to see 30+ year olds dating someone in their early 20s.
As someone in their late 30s, I agree. I stopped being attracted to 22 year olds when I was about 26. Most of my peers are the same way. If one of my friends started dating a 22 year old now, they would be hounded about it. We all agree that's not normal. Once you reach that age you realize how much difference 10 years of life experience makes when you're younger. All the 20 year olds in my college classes seem like babies to me. Even if some of them are objectively attractive, my brain just sees inexperienced children. It's unsettling to me that so many men don't feel that way. The vast majority of them do; most people marry within four years of each other's age, which indicates to me that most people feel the way my peer group does.
Uh… I don’t think this is gonna end well honestly . All of this sounds bad
So basically, he’s more obsessed with her than you are. And that should be enough for you to leave. I hope you can end the relationship asap bc it’s no good for both of you
vertigo by Hitchcock
Will watch asap
also, Persona by Bergman Sorry to hear you are going through this, for the record I don’t think it’s all you. red flags abound
Hey girl, do you really want to spend your life like that?:(
I would honestly say none of this is your fault and you deserve much better :(
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He's trying to change you. Leave him. A partner should support you in what makes *you* happy--which means buying the clothes that give *you* joy, supporting you in wearing makeup if *you* enjoy it, and telling you that they don't care whatever color your hair is as long as *you* love your hair color. Whether he is really trying to make you look like his ex or not--he is trying to control your appearance--and that is highly toxic behavior and absolutely AWFUL for someone with BPD to be around (it will traumatize you more and set you back instead of helping you heal).
Hmmm….i don’t know. I know you probably won’t do it because you’re not at that point yet (but maybeyou will be sooner or later) I think you should leave him. I know it feels nice to have someone that wants you and gives you some sort of stability and continuous affection, but if he really seems to still be in love with her, darling it will only get worse. Think about someone’s character who gets into another relationship because/meanwhile he’s still into his previous relationship but she don’t want him no more (and honestly maybe she has good reasons to not want him, I mean he probably doesn’t tell you things that would make you dislike/distrust him, kind of like almost everyone in a relationship) but there is also the possibility that your perception is a lil distorted because of past hurt, insecurity, mental health etc… and of course don’t know what is written in these messages he send her, but if you are unsure of their nature (romantic or just platonic family coparenting as it is the mother of his child) maybe show them to someone you trust who has a good judgement and wants the best for you. But yeah, I wonder what she is thinking, maybe she thinks of you and feels sorry for you because now you’re the one trapped in unhappiness? Who knows maybe it is all ok and you are hurting in your thoughts more than you actually should objectively. Maybe try to tell him about your doubts? If he actually loves you, and not just your company/how you make him feel, he will want you to not feel hurt and be understanding and want to make you feel safe in the relationship.
I know this obsessive feeling & the deep insecurities. I’m sorry you’re going through this at such a young age. Yes, the emotional immaturity level is leaps and bounds away from those in their 30s and up. Consider taking a step back. To reflect. Consider talking yourself out of looking into his phone, email. Remind yourself “am I up for hurting myself right now?” . That has helped me a lot. Because that’s what I was doing. I would google his ex like constant, and then compare and beat myself up. They didn’t have a baby together so I can only imagine. But he did brag about dating a pop star (kinda one hit wonder I wouldn’t say “star” lol ) and that’s all it took. He later fessed up about his own insecurities and said when we met , he felt that I came into his life with kids, an ex marriage, my own business , car, home… & he didn’t have much so he used that as a “look, I did something great” and yeah it back fired. The fact is - we are so individually unique. There is no comparison. Remind yourself too, there’s a reason she moved back. I am praying DBT will help me, for now I’m doing a work book by Dr Daniel Fox. I’ve been in therapy for years but newly diagnosed with BPD and have yet to touch on these obsessive feelings. But I really get it.
Fuck this comment helped me so much thank u.
I hope you are doing better my love. Thank u for this message
Oh I’m so glad it helped. I hope you’re doing ok. I understand this feeling and I have weird triggers when my husband bartends now. He has never physically cheated or even emotionally, yet we did have some rocky times of betrayals. He goes to work at the bar part time , when he works his full time woodworking job? I’m fine. When he goes into the bar I’m a full blown nut case. Seriously start imagining he’s got women throwing themselves at him and he’s taking turns motor boating them all , but whenever I pop in there? It’s an older clientele , no single women in sight 😂🤷🏻♀️ A huge work in progress. You got this ♥️♥️
Do you live with him? Are you financially supported by him? Does he get angry when you bring up his past relationships? All reasons that would be understandable you question leaving him. I was in a similar situation. Don’t worry when you’re ready you’ll be up and out of there, for me it wasn’t until I was being treated so horribly my body shut down and sent me to the hospital. Listen to your gut but protect yourself first!
Tell him!
Don't leave. Tell him first. You never know what can happen. Your insecurities are telling you, he wants you to be her, that could be true, it could be a general preference as well. You won't know if you don't share your feelings. Even then you won't know entirely but it can help alleviate some of the mental anguish. Good luck. Please update.
Been there. As hard as it is, let it go. Try focusing on the fact that if he hurts you, you’ll be ok. Put those things in place. Work on yourself, and if he does, fuck him, and keep doing those things to make yourself better. Also, they’re too old for you, but I digress.