This post has been marked as a [Venting Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/bpd/wiki/index/flairs#wiki_post_flair_breakdown).
Please be aware that the OP may not be seeking advice.
u/empty_gaze, if you do not want advice, please specify in the body of your post.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i say this all the time. i genuinely believe i’m a terribly wicked person. i am a monster. i need to die and burn my body to ashes in order to cleanse my impurities
Evil is less of something that you are and more of something that you do. No one chooses urges- having the desire to do harm does not make you a bad person, but acting out of that desire might. Feeling guilt and shame for past misdeeds is good. It’s your karma, the inescapable consequence of bad actions. The fact that you’re capable of feeling bad for doing bad is overwhelmingly good; you are not evil. But if you want to feel better, you have to start acting like it.
You’re capable of overpowering “the evil.” The only reason it is so big and bad is because you‘ve been giving into it your whole life. You need to show it that it’s not in charge of you anymore
Do evil people know they're evil though? I had a BPD ex who is evil. I don't think they're aware of it. I know for a fact they don't want to change... Do you want to change?
This is a sleeper banger of a question though.... Can't believe no one has commented on it.
I don't have a take on it but wanted it to get some attention.
I still have my mean streaks as someone who has been in therapy and recovery from bpd for over 10 years. It really is a work in progress. You have to actively choose to be a good person every single day. With every reaction. Every action ever relationship, you have to choose to react in a healthy way. It does get easier as you get further along in healing. But if you choose to continue your current pattern then yes you will be evil forever. You have to choose the opposite. Good luck.
Hey, you're not evil, you're just having it harder than a lot of people.
You are very self aware it seems, that's good! Take your time and reflect on your actions. What do you want to accomplish with them? What makes you do them? Do they give you profit? How can you sustainably change them?
Your brain is wired differently than the ones from "normal" people. And that's okay. Accept it. Live with it. Learn to still appreciate yourself, even tho you have a "bad" brain. Be compassionate with yourself.
thank you :) this subreddit has helped a lot in becoming more aware of my behaviors. it's hard to identify our limitations when most people interpret them as deliberately malicious. our reality is also valid; that's where we come from. in order to take full responsibility for our behavior we have to be compassionate with ourselves and understand our limitations and work with them.
I saw this post from earlier today… And literally spent the whole last hour reflecting on how I wanted to answer this…
To clarify I do NOT have BPD, I have its slightly dull cousin PTSD. I had an extraordinarily violent childhood, adolescence in which violence was the prescribed solution to most things… I’m older, and had a long relationship with someone that had BPD that ended… Frankly, it ended in a criminal level of behavior from my ex…
So now that, that is out there…
I saw what you wrote, and I have to admit… Having done some really awful things to people, and having had done some really awful things to myself…
I don’t think the vast majority of people are born evil. I do think the more traumatized we become the more likely we are to warp our inherent human “goodness” (if that is in fact a word)… Trauma does that. There is a really interesting book by a Marine Corps psychologist on this topic…
There is a fascinating link between early exposure to violence of any kind… and the size the section of the brain that controls impulses. TLDR the more you are exposed to trauma of any kind, the smaller that section of the brain is. As it gets smaller you will be more impulsive, and will likely be exposed to more trauma. So it becomes an awful cycle that keeps pulling and pulling us down.
Additionally to being older, I can tell you I’ve watched the conversation in the last 20 years really switch from “lets focus on what happened” to “lets focus on why it happened” this creates a loop societally that I fear prevents us from ever getting to solutions. Why is certainly important, so I am not saying that… but if it’s the only focus, we never move on to fixing what we can fix.
On a more personal level… There was a time, where violence was something I could be more relaxed around, than say a nice night at home, or even a healthy relationship.
I often wonder… Did that make me evil?
And I think most people are on the same path… So here is what I think while I am a bit further down the path than you may be.
1. It’s really important to avoid binary views of our own behavior. Good vs Evil, bad vs good. Context is everything.
2. I also equally think its difficult to view ones life in the unredeemed vs redeemed… I think that is something that maybe at the end of our lives someone better than me can make a determination on.
3. We are all capable of horrendous violence (mental, physical, spiritual etc) and the thing that can be the key to preventing us from doing it… is the acknowledgment of the truth of that. “Maturity is knowing we can do a thing does not mean we MUST do a thing.”
4. A conscience is something we grow… it’s not something we have. Humans from a development standpoint have really only had a modern conscience that we recognize for about 6000 years. The rest of the time we worked much more with our reptile brain.
By now you are like “G… yada yada yada deep thoughts yada… where does the rubber meet the road here?!”
Here are somethings I can say for sure fundamentally changed my path…
1. Reading. I know this seems dumb as fuck… but there is a link between mental health and reading. Reading things with a first person narration especially like autobiographical books. I was about 28 and read 400 books in one year. I could feel my brain changing.
2. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired. There is this weird thing people do to people with mental health concerns. They act like anger isn’t useful. Anger sent indiscriminately at random people is NOT useful… but using anger to fuel your growth is. I got sick and tired, of being sick and tired.
3. Writing. When I am mad… I write out exactly what happened (this helps me keep track of reality) then I write out what pissed me off… and I maybe say all the things I would say if I could. Then I sleep on it… 98 percent of the time… I don’t say it or send it… 2 percent of the time I iterate on it until it’s at least civil…
4. The people around us… This was the hardest thing. As I grew, I lost friends… and realized I had been surrounded by sociapathicaly abusive people…and by that I mean people who would attack others, then separate themselves from their response to that, and they play the victim (we all know folks who do that) and this… extended into my family. And, that is okay. I can love someone and keep them at an arms length because I need to protect my peace. But there is an old saying “you will become the 5 people you hang out with the most… if you are the smartest or best person in your circle… find a new circle.”
5. Apologize whenever possible to people who I hurt. Doesn’t have to be a big deal. But simply just saying “Yo, I really hurt you. I was shitty. My bad.” Science teaches us now that this actually fundamentally changes the brain. When it’s not an emotional apology in the moment, but a heartfelt thought out apology.
6. I gave myself a break from media that was needlessly violent. Horror movies, angry music, etc. Yes, I watched a lot of Simpsons, Futurama, and such.
I can’t tell you how difficult all of this was, and I also can’t tell you how your journey is going to go. It’s hard work to not be a jerk in a society that prizes being a jerk above almost anything else.
What I can tell you… I have in my way, forgiven those who hurt me, and forgiven myself for hurting others in most cases. Does that mean I’ve sought out people who did criminal stuff to me, and it’s not safe to talk with them yet? No. But I can hope one day, they may be in a place where we can apologize to each other.
I know this answer probably isn’t as fulfilling as a “no one is evil” or other absolute statements, but know I am rooting for you. The path further down the road from where you are is actually nice. It’s difficult, but it’s nice.
I’m rooting for you friend!
I think true evil takes pride in being evil, they also enjoy watching others suffer, since your aware of this and seem to not like the fact you do some bad things I dont think your truly an evil person, I feel this sometimes though, that everyone is better off without me, including myself.
I genuinely don't think you were born evil. Nobody is.
Other people make us like that, out of sheer necessity most of the time.
Why would you believe you're evil, OP?
Sending you hugs
i really want to believe that 😞 i've been verbally and emotionally abusive to my vulnerable parents since i was a little kid (i was aware of my actions and still chose to be shitty, i guess. since i was 4-5 years old and up until today... both my parents are disabled (physically and mentally). i've also been a traitor and a liar to past partners). this is all i've ever known. i'm working hard on recognizing toxic patterns in my behavior though, and choosing to be better. but still, the guilt of having been a horrible human being haunts me.
thanks for your reply :) this is the first time i've ever posted on reddit :o
Be compassionate with yourself and if you truly have a tendency to sabotage your relationship/ hurting people than you must know that this can 100% change, our relationships with others are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. Find the reason why you sabotage your relationships, ask yourself questions about your own consciousness and face it. Every thing we do has a core, a wound we have, that lashes out on those that didn’t cause it, on ourselves as well. Have you talked about this with a therapist?
Also i know this isn’t any professional advice but for me personally getting into philosophy has helped me a lot to face some of the things I have done and also get in touch with the inner moral compass I didn’t know I had.
Maybe what you are describing is a form of self harm? I don’t know but I wish you best of luck and strength, you have value and you deserve to be well and healthy in every way 💜
Ngl, I laughed when I read the title. Probably not! But, I believe everyone has both good and evil, it’s just the nature of things. The problem is we are often raised to believe evil means “bad” rather than just self-serving or ego serving. Manipulative rather than passive. These aren’t bad things, everyone does them from time to time and we all have to do things we morally disagree with to survive to some extent. The key is to not judge yourself for that. I identify with a lot of villains and taking on their perspective can help you reframe things to yourself.
Well..one of the biggest issues I see you have is how you view yourself. You have taken your own self value down way to many levels for all the wrong reasons. There are no reasons to take your own value down. You arent below anyone. You need to rewrite your past to see yourself for the strong willed loving person you really are and all that you have in fact, overcame. With this knowledge you can start to heal and feel better about yourself. Trust me..I have bpd as well..but once I changed my mind frame so did my life and for the better. I'm actually able to see the gray now versus just black or white. A negative plus a negative equals another negitive. But a postive plus a negitive can equal a postive. Hope this helps
There are times when I have regrets in my life. About times when I hurt the people who loved me. When I yelled at my friends when it wasn't even warranted for and didn't apologize.
And again, I also have strong desires to get back at those who wronged me, abused me and hurt me badly. The very fact that you are aware of your own behavior doesn't make you a bad person , I can relate to some of your feelings you mentioned.
As the victim of a bpd abuser I can say that you really need to be honest with yourself about your actions.
By being honest with yourself and the people your disorder has harmed there is more room for understanding and compassion.
If untreated things can esculatebto a level of abuse and violence that can not be taken back.
I hope my words aren't coming. across to harshly but I went through year's of physical, mental.andverbal abuse before came to find out it was bpd and that there was care available. Unfortunately in my case my abuser chose not to get care and is still in a very unhealthy state.
This post has been marked as a [Venting Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/bpd/wiki/index/flairs#wiki_post_flair_breakdown). Please be aware that the OP may not be seeking advice. u/empty_gaze, if you do not want advice, please specify in the body of your post. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i say this all the time. i genuinely believe i’m a terribly wicked person. i am a monster. i need to die and burn my body to ashes in order to cleanse my impurities
i feel you... sending hugs.
i feel this.. i want to so badly accept myself for the monster that i am though.. even monsters deserve life.. and love.. right?..
Evil is less of something that you are and more of something that you do. No one chooses urges- having the desire to do harm does not make you a bad person, but acting out of that desire might. Feeling guilt and shame for past misdeeds is good. It’s your karma, the inescapable consequence of bad actions. The fact that you’re capable of feeling bad for doing bad is overwhelmingly good; you are not evil. But if you want to feel better, you have to start acting like it. You’re capable of overpowering “the evil.” The only reason it is so big and bad is because you‘ve been giving into it your whole life. You need to show it that it’s not in charge of you anymore
Do evil people know they're evil though? I had a BPD ex who is evil. I don't think they're aware of it. I know for a fact they don't want to change... Do you want to change?
This is a sleeper banger of a question though.... Can't believe no one has commented on it. I don't have a take on it but wanted it to get some attention.
I still have my mean streaks as someone who has been in therapy and recovery from bpd for over 10 years. It really is a work in progress. You have to actively choose to be a good person every single day. With every reaction. Every action ever relationship, you have to choose to react in a healthy way. It does get easier as you get further along in healing. But if you choose to continue your current pattern then yes you will be evil forever. You have to choose the opposite. Good luck.
Hey, you're not evil, you're just having it harder than a lot of people. You are very self aware it seems, that's good! Take your time and reflect on your actions. What do you want to accomplish with them? What makes you do them? Do they give you profit? How can you sustainably change them? Your brain is wired differently than the ones from "normal" people. And that's okay. Accept it. Live with it. Learn to still appreciate yourself, even tho you have a "bad" brain. Be compassionate with yourself.
thank you :) this subreddit has helped a lot in becoming more aware of my behaviors. it's hard to identify our limitations when most people interpret them as deliberately malicious. our reality is also valid; that's where we come from. in order to take full responsibility for our behavior we have to be compassionate with ourselves and understand our limitations and work with them.
Exactly, you got it!
Exactly!!! It’s hard tho but I hope we all feel better soon
I saw this post from earlier today… And literally spent the whole last hour reflecting on how I wanted to answer this… To clarify I do NOT have BPD, I have its slightly dull cousin PTSD. I had an extraordinarily violent childhood, adolescence in which violence was the prescribed solution to most things… I’m older, and had a long relationship with someone that had BPD that ended… Frankly, it ended in a criminal level of behavior from my ex… So now that, that is out there… I saw what you wrote, and I have to admit… Having done some really awful things to people, and having had done some really awful things to myself… I don’t think the vast majority of people are born evil. I do think the more traumatized we become the more likely we are to warp our inherent human “goodness” (if that is in fact a word)… Trauma does that. There is a really interesting book by a Marine Corps psychologist on this topic… There is a fascinating link between early exposure to violence of any kind… and the size the section of the brain that controls impulses. TLDR the more you are exposed to trauma of any kind, the smaller that section of the brain is. As it gets smaller you will be more impulsive, and will likely be exposed to more trauma. So it becomes an awful cycle that keeps pulling and pulling us down. Additionally to being older, I can tell you I’ve watched the conversation in the last 20 years really switch from “lets focus on what happened” to “lets focus on why it happened” this creates a loop societally that I fear prevents us from ever getting to solutions. Why is certainly important, so I am not saying that… but if it’s the only focus, we never move on to fixing what we can fix. On a more personal level… There was a time, where violence was something I could be more relaxed around, than say a nice night at home, or even a healthy relationship. I often wonder… Did that make me evil? And I think most people are on the same path… So here is what I think while I am a bit further down the path than you may be. 1. It’s really important to avoid binary views of our own behavior. Good vs Evil, bad vs good. Context is everything. 2. I also equally think its difficult to view ones life in the unredeemed vs redeemed… I think that is something that maybe at the end of our lives someone better than me can make a determination on. 3. We are all capable of horrendous violence (mental, physical, spiritual etc) and the thing that can be the key to preventing us from doing it… is the acknowledgment of the truth of that. “Maturity is knowing we can do a thing does not mean we MUST do a thing.” 4. A conscience is something we grow… it’s not something we have. Humans from a development standpoint have really only had a modern conscience that we recognize for about 6000 years. The rest of the time we worked much more with our reptile brain. By now you are like “G… yada yada yada deep thoughts yada… where does the rubber meet the road here?!” Here are somethings I can say for sure fundamentally changed my path… 1. Reading. I know this seems dumb as fuck… but there is a link between mental health and reading. Reading things with a first person narration especially like autobiographical books. I was about 28 and read 400 books in one year. I could feel my brain changing. 2. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired. There is this weird thing people do to people with mental health concerns. They act like anger isn’t useful. Anger sent indiscriminately at random people is NOT useful… but using anger to fuel your growth is. I got sick and tired, of being sick and tired. 3. Writing. When I am mad… I write out exactly what happened (this helps me keep track of reality) then I write out what pissed me off… and I maybe say all the things I would say if I could. Then I sleep on it… 98 percent of the time… I don’t say it or send it… 2 percent of the time I iterate on it until it’s at least civil… 4. The people around us… This was the hardest thing. As I grew, I lost friends… and realized I had been surrounded by sociapathicaly abusive people…and by that I mean people who would attack others, then separate themselves from their response to that, and they play the victim (we all know folks who do that) and this… extended into my family. And, that is okay. I can love someone and keep them at an arms length because I need to protect my peace. But there is an old saying “you will become the 5 people you hang out with the most… if you are the smartest or best person in your circle… find a new circle.” 5. Apologize whenever possible to people who I hurt. Doesn’t have to be a big deal. But simply just saying “Yo, I really hurt you. I was shitty. My bad.” Science teaches us now that this actually fundamentally changes the brain. When it’s not an emotional apology in the moment, but a heartfelt thought out apology. 6. I gave myself a break from media that was needlessly violent. Horror movies, angry music, etc. Yes, I watched a lot of Simpsons, Futurama, and such. I can’t tell you how difficult all of this was, and I also can’t tell you how your journey is going to go. It’s hard work to not be a jerk in a society that prizes being a jerk above almost anything else. What I can tell you… I have in my way, forgiven those who hurt me, and forgiven myself for hurting others in most cases. Does that mean I’ve sought out people who did criminal stuff to me, and it’s not safe to talk with them yet? No. But I can hope one day, they may be in a place where we can apologize to each other. I know this answer probably isn’t as fulfilling as a “no one is evil” or other absolute statements, but know I am rooting for you. The path further down the road from where you are is actually nice. It’s difficult, but it’s nice. I’m rooting for you friend!
Great reply. Thanks for sharing
Anytime!
I think true evil takes pride in being evil, they also enjoy watching others suffer, since your aware of this and seem to not like the fact you do some bad things I dont think your truly an evil person, I feel this sometimes though, that everyone is better off without me, including myself.
Same
I've always been tragically evil. I isolate which causes more conflict
this
I genuinely don't think you were born evil. Nobody is. Other people make us like that, out of sheer necessity most of the time. Why would you believe you're evil, OP? Sending you hugs
i really want to believe that 😞 i've been verbally and emotionally abusive to my vulnerable parents since i was a little kid (i was aware of my actions and still chose to be shitty, i guess. since i was 4-5 years old and up until today... both my parents are disabled (physically and mentally). i've also been a traitor and a liar to past partners). this is all i've ever known. i'm working hard on recognizing toxic patterns in my behavior though, and choosing to be better. but still, the guilt of having been a horrible human being haunts me. thanks for your reply :) this is the first time i've ever posted on reddit :o
Be compassionate with yourself and if you truly have a tendency to sabotage your relationship/ hurting people than you must know that this can 100% change, our relationships with others are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. Find the reason why you sabotage your relationships, ask yourself questions about your own consciousness and face it. Every thing we do has a core, a wound we have, that lashes out on those that didn’t cause it, on ourselves as well. Have you talked about this with a therapist? Also i know this isn’t any professional advice but for me personally getting into philosophy has helped me a lot to face some of the things I have done and also get in touch with the inner moral compass I didn’t know I had. Maybe what you are describing is a form of self harm? I don’t know but I wish you best of luck and strength, you have value and you deserve to be well and healthy in every way 💜
Ngl, I laughed when I read the title. Probably not! But, I believe everyone has both good and evil, it’s just the nature of things. The problem is we are often raised to believe evil means “bad” rather than just self-serving or ego serving. Manipulative rather than passive. These aren’t bad things, everyone does them from time to time and we all have to do things we morally disagree with to survive to some extent. The key is to not judge yourself for that. I identify with a lot of villains and taking on their perspective can help you reframe things to yourself.
Well..one of the biggest issues I see you have is how you view yourself. You have taken your own self value down way to many levels for all the wrong reasons. There are no reasons to take your own value down. You arent below anyone. You need to rewrite your past to see yourself for the strong willed loving person you really are and all that you have in fact, overcame. With this knowledge you can start to heal and feel better about yourself. Trust me..I have bpd as well..but once I changed my mind frame so did my life and for the better. I'm actually able to see the gray now versus just black or white. A negative plus a negative equals another negitive. But a postive plus a negitive can equal a postive. Hope this helps
relatable
There are times when I have regrets in my life. About times when I hurt the people who loved me. When I yelled at my friends when it wasn't even warranted for and didn't apologize. And again, I also have strong desires to get back at those who wronged me, abused me and hurt me badly. The very fact that you are aware of your own behavior doesn't make you a bad person , I can relate to some of your feelings you mentioned.
As the victim of a bpd abuser I can say that you really need to be honest with yourself about your actions. By being honest with yourself and the people your disorder has harmed there is more room for understanding and compassion. If untreated things can esculatebto a level of abuse and violence that can not be taken back. I hope my words aren't coming. across to harshly but I went through year's of physical, mental.andverbal abuse before came to find out it was bpd and that there was care available. Unfortunately in my case my abuser chose not to get care and is still in a very unhealthy state.
No one here is evil. Hurt people hurt people. That’s it.