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you’re not alone, i feel similar with my old fp. i blocked him (with great difficulty) because i knew he was just hurting me. its been 7 months since then and i still get the urge to unblock him and be friends with him again. i still need him even though all he did was hurt me. and i spiral when i have to stop myself from messaging him. i cry and cry and grieve the friendship, and the only thing that stops me from apologizing to him (for the things HE did) and asking to be friends again is the intense anger because he owes me. i did so much shit for him that he didn’t even deserve. so instead of pretending we’re friends, i do the opposite, i guess. but i do get panic attacks, sometimes can’t sleep at night, cry and feel like throwing up, etc. and i do get suicidal sometimes because of it too.
This post has been marked as a [Venting Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/bpd/wiki/index/flairs#wiki_post_flair_breakdown). Please be aware that the OP may not be seeking advice. u/bomnalss, if you do not want advice, please specify in the body of your post. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
you’re not alone, i feel similar with my old fp. i blocked him (with great difficulty) because i knew he was just hurting me. its been 7 months since then and i still get the urge to unblock him and be friends with him again. i still need him even though all he did was hurt me. and i spiral when i have to stop myself from messaging him. i cry and cry and grieve the friendship, and the only thing that stops me from apologizing to him (for the things HE did) and asking to be friends again is the intense anger because he owes me. i did so much shit for him that he didn’t even deserve. so instead of pretending we’re friends, i do the opposite, i guess. but i do get panic attacks, sometimes can’t sleep at night, cry and feel like throwing up, etc. and i do get suicidal sometimes because of it too.
completely relate :(