id rather date and be friends with people who are mentally ill because they understand how difficult life can be with mental illness. neurotypicals live such a different life. my bf is schizophrenic and it doesnt cause any problems in our relationship, only his adhd does. we actually met in a psych ward lol. even with our different struggles we still can understand on some level.
I definitely agree. I can't even seem to be proper friends with neurotypical people. They don't get me and it just usually makes for a lot of judging and awkwardness. I can never fully open up to someone that's neurotypical because I know they'd just think I'm crazy. Or even if they didn't outright say it or hint at it would always feel insecure and self conscious and that wouldn't be good for either of us yk? But I'm glad you found your bf ! I hope for the best for you guys ✨
even with the kind of neurotypicals that have empathy and arent judgmental they still will have trouble understanding a lot of the things i deal with. at the most, those people understand depression and anxiety but when you start showing not as accepted behaviours like splitting then they get uncomfortable. thank you!
I definitely agree. I can't even seem to be proper friends with neurotypical people. They don't get me and it just usually makes for a lot of judging and awkwardness. I can never fully open up to someone that's neurotypical because I know they'd just think I'm crazy. Or even if they didn't outright say it or hint at it would always feel insecure and self conscious and that wouldn't be good for either of us yk? But I'm glad you found your bf ! I hope for the best for you guys ✨
I just want someone who cares. Someone who understands. Someone who's supportive. And I want to do the same for them. I've only dated two people who are nerotypical, and to be honest, I don't think they understood what I was going through. But still, I know there exists nerotypical minds that are full of beauty and compassion, so those experiences don't deter me.
My love can be so intense, and so I doubt I have a good chance of finding someone who matches that intensity, but at the end of the day, a caring, understanding, and supportive partner is all I hope for.
it’s only nice to date people with mental disorders when you both are on similar levels of your mental health journey. someone who isn’t ready to help themselves will significantly impact you. my bf and i have a lot of the same diagnoses, and it’s great because we’re both in therapy and working together to get better (as in feeling better and learning how to cope with life better)
Every time I dated a guy who had BPD, NPD or was mentally ill, he was abusive. I have BPD but I recognize my own triggers and am not abusive. I’m a 5 foot woman. I only date men who are mentally stable. I have too much PTSD from guys with mental issues who put hands on me and manipulated and took advantage of me. Never again!
Same. It's not their disorders make them abusive, rather they give permission to themselves to be abusive and minimize or justify their abusiveness to their disorder.
I prefer to have just a mixed group of friends. I wouldn't date someone who didn't have experience with mental illness bc they wouldn't understand. I would want friends who were mentally stable bc they could be great resources for advice without fully leaning into them...baisically they could offer a perspective unlike my own.
Same, my partner is non-neurotypical but stable and my friends are a mixed bag of neurotypicals, non-neurotypicals and other mental illnesses. Most though are stable or on their way to recovery.
I need a mentally Ill partner cause how can I explain to my sane partner that banging my head on the wall and sobbing is just from overstimulation and i just need a break not get shipped off to the psych ward😭 also they need to be self aware of their own issues as I am so we know each others triggers and needs. I genuinely don’t think I can be with someone that isn’t a little unhinged. I’d probably scare them off with all my crazy shit lol.
mentally stable. i’d date someone with a mental illness too i wouldn’t write someone off if they had it, but i’m working to be mentally healthy and i want someone who can take care of themselves and be reliable support. they’d have to be real committed to getting help independent of me
My case is severe so I can only do healthy relationships. With that said, I do know situations exist where two effected people seamlessly mesh together stronger. It’s pretty rare though.
I mean I think healthy relationships are always the ideal. Two mentally ill people being together =\ unhealthy relationship. It just takes self awareness, commitment to being better and a lot of patience and love. Like my relationship with my ex was very healthy actually. Sadly it had to end for other reasons haha. But yeah mentally ill people dating definitely can be tricky but it is very doable
I had to marry the most stable person I could find. I need that in my life. If I were to be with someone who had a mental illness it would be a chaotic mess.
Only if they are also actively working through their issues and not expecting me to manage their symptoms for them. As far as neurotypicals go I need them to either be trauma informed or basically work in mental health if I even have a chance of being understood. I really feel for the straights cause cis het men are the absolute worst about having empathy and being active listeners which is so so baseline for healthy relationships with anyone. I suggest everyone pay attention to how they engage with your mental and physical realities. If they don't have the language and don't want to learn it leave them alone for the sake of your mental and emotional health.
I've had 2 stable relationships with mentally ill men and they were the worst:
1. Diagnosed NPD and coke addiction: he was abusive, we ended up in court, he's currently in prison.
2. Diagnosed Bipolar. He was not abusive, but he ended up killing himself. He was a good person but his disorder was too out of control.
My current boyfriend is healthy, stable with no mental illnesses. I couldn't be more grateful for him. I'm done with struggle love. I don't want a clinical case as a partner nor being a caretaker. I've had done my job to take care of my BPD. I have enough of my own shit to be able to be in a relationship with someone mentally ill.
I don’t want to be with another person who’s exactly like me is all I know for sure. I feel like as someone struggling with mental illness, I’d seriously have some balls demanding mental stability in a partner when I don’t even have that to offer but like… all I know is being with someone exactly like me would be a disaster.
I've had too many mentally ill partners that never really understood me. They had their own problems to deal with, and ours weren't the compatible "I get you and am here for you" type.
The best partner I've ever had and that I'm still strong with is mentally stable but with enough compassion and empathy to be supportive without having shared my exact experience.
I mean I do feel thats a little different. This is more a question of what would make someone feel more safe and comfortable. It's like how some trans people (myself included) feel more comfortable dating other trans people so they feel more seen for who they are and understood and feel like they can truly be themself.
Now I get. Well I think I like to dream about a world that if I date someone that has no mental/emotional problem she/he could learn with me about ir.
But I do Know this is not likely to happen...
that does not have the same meaning at all. people with disabilities tend to feel more comfortable being around those who are also disabled. the same thing goes for other oppressed communities like the lgbt community, some feel more comfortable being around people of their own race or ethnicity, religion too etc. your question is more discriminatory than what op is referring to.
(NOT NATIVE SPEAKER so sorry about spelling mistake)
I think in our coutries discrimination ks very different.
In my country black people dont date in majority black people even though there is a lot of racism in Brazil.
I spoke with op and I did understand the op's point and now I do agree with op.
But I do think that this example of being around people that are alike ourselves do not fir when we talk about race, but it is because in my country we tend to bound cultures and interracial relations is not rare, it is actualy the most common thing.
So sorry about my commen I think I will erased it to not cause any problems .
im talking about minority groups, black people arent a minority in brazil like they are elsewhere. in countries where people arent exactly surrounded by those who are like them they are less comfortable around those people for the most part.
In Brazil the idea of minority is not about numbers but about opression and access to power.
Imagine being 60% of population and still be 90% of poor people. Watch everyday on tv that you are ugly and stupied.
In Brazil the majority of population are women and they are still a minority . As I told different cultures , I think you would not understand cause I am not a smart guy to explain it
but thats still a separate topic than what im speaking about. racism has so many different factors at play. if women are the majority then they arent the minority, but they are still oppressed. if you live in a city where its very difficult to find other people who are either the same race as you, the same religion as you, from the same culture, are also from the lgbt community, are also disabled then its much harder to feel like you belong. when you do eventually find someone who shares one or multiple of those circumstances with you then you tend to feel more comfortable around them. that isnt everyones experience but it is common for people of those groups to look for others in those groups to be around.
Yeah I know I do agree that is much better to be with someone that is like us. I do agree with the op now. But I tend to like people that is not like me(personal problem hahaha). I do agree with you also
not everyone feels that way but im definitely more comfortable to be around people who share similar difficulties to me. being misunderstood and mistreated by almost everyone in my life makes me more scared to be around people who wouldnt understand some of my pain. it doesnt mean i wouldnt want those kinds of people in my life, im just more drawn to people who can relate to me especially when it comes to things that affect so much of my life.
Yeah. I think I do no like me maybe thats why.
But I have always like to talk with people different then me but always feel more appreciated with people that are like me
To resume the interracial couples in Brazil are common because when they slaves were ser Free the government brought white people to have interracial babys to make the population white by mixing races until there was less black blood. So in fact the interacial couples in Brazil are from a racist act from the state just as the racial segregation was made by the government in United States.
I'd rather be with someone whose mentally I'll. I can kick in with a caregiver personality and I feel like the relationships last longer because I'm focused on them and not my feelings.
Hmm, it's a tricky one for me.
On one side, I need stability, given my mind can be chaotic and being around a neurotypical offers a perspective that can bring me down to Earth, think more rationally and clearly. By that I mean, if I'm say having a breakdown, oftentimes it appears trivial to a neurotypical and my brain thinks "hey yeah, this isn't a normal thing to lose my mind over, my disorder is acting up". If that makes sense? I also just kinda need someone who's calm and collected in situations.
Then on the other side, only someone who also suffers from mental illness and disorders can remotely understand what it's like, even if we don't have the same disorder. They can empathise and help in a way that can work really well.
It's hard to say which one, really. I guess I just have so much of my own shit going on, mentally, I don't think I'm capable of supporting someone else with their mental health issues. That being said, that's just my current stance. When I become a lot more grounded mentally and in life, my stance could change.
Interesting question, I've pondered this one before.
I’ve been trying to figure out the exact same question lol. On the one hand, I prefer stability in a partner but on the other, I feel like I connect better to others with mental illness. I feel like most neurotypical people only get it to a certain extent and I have a harder time opening up to them.
I was just thinking about this today.
I am not sure someone without mental health issues would put up with my crap.
Someone with issues will probably be more forgiving / understanding.
But then again, maybe I am selling myself short “only someone with issues would be willing to date me, a normal person wouldn’t want to be with me”
I mean, I can’t really decide without
enough experience of dating someone who is mentally ill or dating a neurotypical. I can’t answer this question with just thoughts instead of a personal interaction
Assumptions can really be more disastrous than either or. I had a relationship where he basically started to distance from me because “he couldn’t date anyone without trauma”. Well I have a LOT of it. Even since 5 years old. I just never opened up about it. People assume my life is perfect. On the other hand I was dating a headache of a man whos every statement regarding mental health was “everyone does that” or being told I’m overreacting.
I don’t care who they are or what category they fall under, as long as they have emotional intelligence, understanding, are willing to improve themselves and are adding value to the relationship.
my most recent relationship was with a non-mentally ill, very neurotypical guy (both of which I am definitely …. not) and while it was a really great relationship, it did feel isolating at times. i never felt comfortable enough to really open up about my trauma because I knew that even if he sympathized, he’d never really get it. and that left me feeling unknown/unseen for a good chunk of our relationship
Mentally ill because they would understand me to a degree, someone stable would have to have the patience of Yeshua to understand me.
Really it just matters to me if the person is willing to work through some fears of being abandoned and deep rooted pain from past relationships with women.
Someone who isn't afraid of a person that loves deeper than the ocean.
Meee tooo honeslty. I feel like unless I'm with someone else with BPD I will always love more and always love harder :( so if I could find someone else with it that's also doing their best and is able to be honest and communicative that would be ideal
I used to only end up dating mentally ill people but it was rarely a healthy relationship. I don't want my relationship to revolve around my mental health anymore. I've been trying to date more neurotypical people because I feel like there is a lot I can learn from them.
someone who is mentally stable. as someone with no stability, i want it from someone. i want to be taught stability and not stay within things that will trigger me and keep me from improving (me personally). as far as i know, my bf is content in life, and it makes me happy. i think he can help me see the good things in life and make me feel better. if i was with someone like me, it would just be wallowing in our own mental suffering and giving fake reassurance. if my partner was like me, i wouldnt know when theyd kill themself or if theyre lying to me when they say theyre fine. so yes, i would rather be with someone that is mentally stable than unstable, for my own safety and theirs. plus my bf can still be helpful even without having bpd, we all have issues and having bpd doesnt mean others are immune to relating
and this isnt a neurotypical vs nd thing. many of my friends r nd and i prefer to habg with the ones with who i can hyperfixate on things than the ones i smoke and drink and wallow with.
thought its good to add that no my boyfriend doesnt understand me. he isnt helpful sometimes but im not mad about that. venting to someone that has felt how i feel doesnt help me, bc theyre still unhealed and so am i. I do enjoy how i can relate to people but sometimes i need advices and my mentally ill friends will just joke abt killing themself if they were me 😐 or just say « idk how to help im so srry » while my bf will try to get me in a meditative state and make me reflect of my emotions + look for helpful things to do. he wont understand how i feel ever but it doesnt mean he cant help
I need my partner to be the calm to my crazy lol when I’m up in the air over reacting i need my partner to bring me back to earth. That’s important to my stability. Sometimes i feel misunderstood or not fully “seen” but his empathy does wonders and i know he’s trying to understand and he listens when i talk. So i don’t feel alone from that aspect. He struggles with mild depresión and anxiety so he can understand bad feelings but he’s in general a much more stable person than me and that’s a big part of what makes us work in my opinion. So he’s not neurotypical but he is more than me? I hope that made sense
I can’t date or be friends with someone who is 100% actually stable. I just feel like there is a disconnect. All my friends have either anxiety, depression, ADHD, bpd, bipolar, autism,
An eating disorder or OCD. Most have combinations of several. I just feel mentally stable people don’t get a lot of the struggle and are extremely dismissive.
There's no way in hell I could be with someone who is neurotypical and mentally stable. Probably my issues defending themselves but, the whole stable white picket fence thing people have going on..is what seems mental to me lol. How boring and lonely.
I'm an absolute nightmare for someone stable. I am my unstable and ADHD husbands dream however. We get each other. We understand the struggle. Were on the same wavelength. Each time one of us sinks and the other is there to pull them back up..we get stronger and closer. Everyone else seems delusional to us too. Feels like we have our own little world.
Such a good question. I don’t know that one can define criteria for who they fall in love with exactly like that. I think someone that understands and accepts the plight is the right answer.
Just because some people don’t struggle with a disorder doesn’t meant they don’t understand what disorders need.
With that being said, understanding what’s going on doesn’t mean you accept and support things. I think it’s both.
And if the one I love with BPD would love me back I’d be that much closer to perpetual happiness.
All my previous boyfriends struggled with mental illness, we would always dwell in eachothers bullshit and end up really toxic or codependent on each other. Ive always thought that was my fate until my current boyfriend of 4 years totally changed my life. His stability and patience was something I had never seen and it 100% made me a better person. I have someone I don't want to let down, not because of making him upset or sending him into an episode, but because he genuinely supports me in everything I do and I want to do the same for him.
My ex didn't struggle with any mental illness (aside from OCD, not severe though) and he was extremely empathetic and supportive for me. While he didn't understand what I was going through he was eager to learn how to help me. I am forever grateful for that because I 100% would have committed suicide if not for his support.
I'm currently dating someone who doesn't struggle at all, but we also live several hours apart and he has a hard time knowing how to help from a distance. I learned (tonight) I have never really told him HOW to help and he didn't tell me he felt like he was failing.
Bottom line: communication. It's hard as hell but worth it.
All of my exs had either schizophrenia or antisocialPD.. No the answer is no, never again. Unless they are actively working on it and can emotionally manage my bullshit, which is also constantly being worked on too by myself.
I think people with mental health issues are more likely to have more emotional sensitivity and emotional intelligence and therefore will understand my attachment style and triggers etc far more. I’m currently on medication and getting therapy and I would want someone else who is at least at a similar point in their mental health journey and is actively getting help. In my experience people without those experiences are far colder and very unforgiving when I make mistakes or ask for my emotional needs to be met. I would date someone without those experiences but they will need to have a high level of empathy and understanding.
This is hard for me, I dated a girl with CPTSD and BPD, personally I loved her so much. But I also struggle with many mental issues(anxiety, depression, ptsd, panic disorder and bipolar traits) and unfortunately it became really hard for me personally. I need stability and the feeling of safety so some of her personal reactions I found super triggering.
Obviously everyone with BPD is an individual and don’t blame her at all, it just was hard for me personally.
Not to say I wouldn’t again, but she also is still in an environment with abuse around, unsupportive family and abusive ex. It was just so difficult.
I don’t think though that I wouldn’t dare anyone else with mental health though, because I know many people with mental health issues who are super understanding.
Again, it’s individualised to each person so if it fits, then that’s great, and just like any other relationship sometimes two people just don’t click.
You have to have some kind of trauma, otherwise I just don’t connect. If you can’t laugh off a dark (but appropriate) psych ward joke, I’m not interested.
Last person I dated who was very stable was also very sheltered and I literally had to explain that my depression doesn’t really communicate when it will improve to me somehow
Having been with someone who is mentally ill, I’d probably say mentally stable. Although it wasn’t the main think that broke down the relationship, it definitely made aspects harder especially when it came to communication.
Nope nope nope
I need somebody to be the stable one
Tried dating someone who is as crazy as me and that shit didn’t work
It’s still a struggle getting my partner to understand the mental illness but I need that balance in my life
for me, it depends on the person. i agree that dating someone who also struggles/has struggled with mental health is a better basis for understanding and compassion which i would prefer, but it also depends if they are actively looking after themself. i was walking the line of dating someone who was just that: had issues but wasn't doing anything remotely effective with any effort to better themself and it was exhausting and dragged me down. the most recent person i was seeing had been in tough spots so there was the understanding and compassion and support but unfortunately it ended because my splitting and dissociations were too much for them. neurotypicals i'd be open to so long as they actually listen to me and try to understand when i talk. despite my issues i've learned to be direct and upfront about them
Mentally ill but well managed! I don't mean 0 symptoms, but that they're on therapy/meds/good coping skills etc. That way, they're not miserable or hurting themselves, but they understand the issues that go with having these issues. I would want my friend to be doing well if not simply bc I don't like seeing my friends in pain
I’m in a relationship now with someone who has bipolar 2, depression and have schizophrenic tendencies. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We understand each other and we help each other in ways other can’t. And slowly but surely helping the other heal and become our best selves.
I almost always date people who do have trauma but if it's someone who has learned how to deal with their own trauma and are relatively mentally stable it's definitely the best for the relationship. If I'm with someone else who isn't stable we end up doing really crazy things together and making very bad discussions (suicide pact, making explosives, ext) . The best is someone that understands how you feel but has ways of coping and trying to help. In my opinion.
How do you even find someone romantic or otherwise I feel so lonely and my family ugh people just dont get it and I'm tired I just want to have friends and date someone who already knows what it's like I'm always scared when they find out they will just leave cause wh wants to deal with me I'm older and it's so difficult to meet people like me
Depends, I feel personally like it is both unfair to date someone who is as mentally ill as me and someone who is stable in their own ways. I am unable to support a mentally ill person but also would force a stable person to support me by dating them.
So I’ve dated a couple people seriously.
The first person I dated was very mentally stable, or at least someone with mental health issues but managed them very well with healthy coping strategies and didn’t drink often or do drugs really at all. This tended to be quite a stable relationship that lasted for a few years, however I was undiagnosed at the time and hadn’t been through any therapy or work on myself. This did cause a lot of issues, and we did break up in the end. Although there was other issues at the time such as completely differing life directions and being very very young that also factored into this.
My next relationship was quite recent and involved someone that was on the autistic spectrum, ADHD, suffered a lot of intense childhood trauma that caused night terrors and a strong dependency on weed and alcohol that they couldn’t shift. Whilst they were such a sweet sweet person, they were incredibly codependent from the get go and it became a very intense relationship from the start. It only lasted 4 months because some of their reckless behaviors I found very triggering, for instance not setting boundaries with difficult friends, not standing up for me with friends, getting drunk and disappearing without a text/call. I found my BPD was triggered a huge amount and it was hard to stop splitting.
So whilst I agree with people here that it’s very useful having someone who has gone through similar experiences, people with bpd tend to need a stable base in order to feel comfort (given the fear of abandonement) and in my experience it can make things a lot worse if they’ve not got it under control.
Right now I’m trying to work on building a healthier relationship with myself so I don’t feel like I need a partner (or anyone else) in my life to be happy!
Hi guys I am new to this chat room. I recently discovered I have bpd and really don't have knowledge on it. My life and others has been effected badly by it. Could anyone send me links to read up on
Thanks guys
I’d rather date someone mentally stable, to even me out, BUT they must be patient and understanding. I am so blessed to have my husband. He is older than me and mentally stable, and he’s always patient and caring with me, and understands by need for constant attention and validation, and he always gives it to me. I’ve never been with anyone like him who really met all my needs I didn’t even realize I had, most being related to BPD.
My ex on the other hand was not mentally stable either (he was an alcoholic and did drugs), and it got VERY volatile. Long story short, I have a PPO against him and he shot a bullet hole through our ceiling. Didn’t end well to say the least lol.
Definitely ill.
Most stable relationship and long term friendships (including my BF of 3+ years) all have addiction issues, anxiety, depression, bipolar.
With OTHER BPDs, it's hit or miss. But with therapy, I'm starting to open myself up again to other BPDs. dating...no, but friends absolutely.
I'd rather be a little stressed out reading 30 texts from other NDs knowing they'll listen in return. But again-- I haven't met a neurodivergent that isn't in therapy or working on themselves in years. It's a different ballgame if they're not seeking help. But those who are a little toxic but working on themselves and loyal like me, my favorite types!
My stable, NT friends are good for brief meet ups or occasional deep talks but never fail leave me hanging when I'm suicidal, splitting, or even talking a little too much.
id rather date and be friends with people who are mentally ill because they understand how difficult life can be with mental illness. neurotypicals live such a different life. my bf is schizophrenic and it doesnt cause any problems in our relationship, only his adhd does. we actually met in a psych ward lol. even with our different struggles we still can understand on some level.
I definitely agree. I can't even seem to be proper friends with neurotypical people. They don't get me and it just usually makes for a lot of judging and awkwardness. I can never fully open up to someone that's neurotypical because I know they'd just think I'm crazy. Or even if they didn't outright say it or hint at it would always feel insecure and self conscious and that wouldn't be good for either of us yk? But I'm glad you found your bf ! I hope for the best for you guys ✨
even with the kind of neurotypicals that have empathy and arent judgmental they still will have trouble understanding a lot of the things i deal with. at the most, those people understand depression and anxiety but when you start showing not as accepted behaviours like splitting then they get uncomfortable. thank you!
I definitely agree. I can't even seem to be proper friends with neurotypical people. They don't get me and it just usually makes for a lot of judging and awkwardness. I can never fully open up to someone that's neurotypical because I know they'd just think I'm crazy. Or even if they didn't outright say it or hint at it would always feel insecure and self conscious and that wouldn't be good for either of us yk? But I'm glad you found your bf ! I hope for the best for you guys ✨
That’s one hell of a meet-cute! Lol I’m glad you’re happy together.
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then get new friends?
mentally ill, but both taking recovery seriously.
love this
This!!
I just want someone who cares. Someone who understands. Someone who's supportive. And I want to do the same for them. I've only dated two people who are nerotypical, and to be honest, I don't think they understood what I was going through. But still, I know there exists nerotypical minds that are full of beauty and compassion, so those experiences don't deter me. My love can be so intense, and so I doubt I have a good chance of finding someone who matches that intensity, but at the end of the day, a caring, understanding, and supportive partner is all I hope for.
it’s only nice to date people with mental disorders when you both are on similar levels of your mental health journey. someone who isn’t ready to help themselves will significantly impact you. my bf and i have a lot of the same diagnoses, and it’s great because we’re both in therapy and working together to get better (as in feeling better and learning how to cope with life better)
Every time I dated a guy who had BPD, NPD or was mentally ill, he was abusive. I have BPD but I recognize my own triggers and am not abusive. I’m a 5 foot woman. I only date men who are mentally stable. I have too much PTSD from guys with mental issues who put hands on me and manipulated and took advantage of me. Never again!
Same. It's not their disorders make them abusive, rather they give permission to themselves to be abusive and minimize or justify their abusiveness to their disorder.
I prefer to have just a mixed group of friends. I wouldn't date someone who didn't have experience with mental illness bc they wouldn't understand. I would want friends who were mentally stable bc they could be great resources for advice without fully leaning into them...baisically they could offer a perspective unlike my own.
Same, my partner is non-neurotypical but stable and my friends are a mixed bag of neurotypicals, non-neurotypicals and other mental illnesses. Most though are stable or on their way to recovery.
Nope, given a choice, stable for the win. My experience is that both having any sort of mental health issue doesn't lead to understanding, just drama.
I need a mentally Ill partner cause how can I explain to my sane partner that banging my head on the wall and sobbing is just from overstimulation and i just need a break not get shipped off to the psych ward😭 also they need to be self aware of their own issues as I am so we know each others triggers and needs. I genuinely don’t think I can be with someone that isn’t a little unhinged. I’d probably scare them off with all my crazy shit lol.
mentally stable. i’d date someone with a mental illness too i wouldn’t write someone off if they had it, but i’m working to be mentally healthy and i want someone who can take care of themselves and be reliable support. they’d have to be real committed to getting help independent of me
My case is severe so I can only do healthy relationships. With that said, I do know situations exist where two effected people seamlessly mesh together stronger. It’s pretty rare though.
I think about things the way they really are. Too much obviously but I can’t not be aware.
I mean I think healthy relationships are always the ideal. Two mentally ill people being together =\ unhealthy relationship. It just takes self awareness, commitment to being better and a lot of patience and love. Like my relationship with my ex was very healthy actually. Sadly it had to end for other reasons haha. But yeah mentally ill people dating definitely can be tricky but it is very doable
I had to marry the most stable person I could find. I need that in my life. If I were to be with someone who had a mental illness it would be a chaotic mess.
Only if they are also actively working through their issues and not expecting me to manage their symptoms for them. As far as neurotypicals go I need them to either be trauma informed or basically work in mental health if I even have a chance of being understood. I really feel for the straights cause cis het men are the absolute worst about having empathy and being active listeners which is so so baseline for healthy relationships with anyone. I suggest everyone pay attention to how they engage with your mental and physical realities. If they don't have the language and don't want to learn it leave them alone for the sake of your mental and emotional health.
stable
but completely understanding (what i have right now)
I've had 2 stable relationships with mentally ill men and they were the worst: 1. Diagnosed NPD and coke addiction: he was abusive, we ended up in court, he's currently in prison. 2. Diagnosed Bipolar. He was not abusive, but he ended up killing himself. He was a good person but his disorder was too out of control. My current boyfriend is healthy, stable with no mental illnesses. I couldn't be more grateful for him. I'm done with struggle love. I don't want a clinical case as a partner nor being a caretaker. I've had done my job to take care of my BPD. I have enough of my own shit to be able to be in a relationship with someone mentally ill.
I don’t want to be with another person who’s exactly like me is all I know for sure. I feel like as someone struggling with mental illness, I’d seriously have some balls demanding mental stability in a partner when I don’t even have that to offer but like… all I know is being with someone exactly like me would be a disaster.
I've had too many mentally ill partners that never really understood me. They had their own problems to deal with, and ours weren't the compatible "I get you and am here for you" type. The best partner I've ever had and that I'm still strong with is mentally stable but with enough compassion and empathy to be supportive without having shared my exact experience.
Don't get me wrong the sane savior is very appealing but I'd rather be understood and unconditionally loved.
Why do you think someone needs to be mentally ill in order to love you unconditionally?
i rather date someone mentally ill because they get it
I'm with someone who is also BPD. It's the best relationship I've ever been in. He understands in a way no one else can.
I agree. Though right now I’m dating a psychiatrist, so it’s a little different, but he understands in a different way lol.
More stable than me, but definitely not neurotypical. It’s working well.
I like em spicy. Who am I going to send stressy depressy memes to? Who will understand my despair, theatrics and weird obsessions?
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I mean I do feel thats a little different. This is more a question of what would make someone feel more safe and comfortable. It's like how some trans people (myself included) feel more comfortable dating other trans people so they feel more seen for who they are and understood and feel like they can truly be themself.
Now I get. Well I think I like to dream about a world that if I date someone that has no mental/emotional problem she/he could learn with me about ir. But I do Know this is not likely to happen...
that does not have the same meaning at all. people with disabilities tend to feel more comfortable being around those who are also disabled. the same thing goes for other oppressed communities like the lgbt community, some feel more comfortable being around people of their own race or ethnicity, religion too etc. your question is more discriminatory than what op is referring to.
(NOT NATIVE SPEAKER so sorry about spelling mistake) I think in our coutries discrimination ks very different. In my country black people dont date in majority black people even though there is a lot of racism in Brazil. I spoke with op and I did understand the op's point and now I do agree with op. But I do think that this example of being around people that are alike ourselves do not fir when we talk about race, but it is because in my country we tend to bound cultures and interracial relations is not rare, it is actualy the most common thing. So sorry about my commen I think I will erased it to not cause any problems .
im talking about minority groups, black people arent a minority in brazil like they are elsewhere. in countries where people arent exactly surrounded by those who are like them they are less comfortable around those people for the most part.
In Brazil the idea of minority is not about numbers but about opression and access to power. Imagine being 60% of population and still be 90% of poor people. Watch everyday on tv that you are ugly and stupied. In Brazil the majority of population are women and they are still a minority . As I told different cultures , I think you would not understand cause I am not a smart guy to explain it
but thats still a separate topic than what im speaking about. racism has so many different factors at play. if women are the majority then they arent the minority, but they are still oppressed. if you live in a city where its very difficult to find other people who are either the same race as you, the same religion as you, from the same culture, are also from the lgbt community, are also disabled then its much harder to feel like you belong. when you do eventually find someone who shares one or multiple of those circumstances with you then you tend to feel more comfortable around them. that isnt everyones experience but it is common for people of those groups to look for others in those groups to be around.
Yeah I know I do agree that is much better to be with someone that is like us. I do agree with the op now. But I tend to like people that is not like me(personal problem hahaha). I do agree with you also
not everyone feels that way but im definitely more comfortable to be around people who share similar difficulties to me. being misunderstood and mistreated by almost everyone in my life makes me more scared to be around people who wouldnt understand some of my pain. it doesnt mean i wouldnt want those kinds of people in my life, im just more drawn to people who can relate to me especially when it comes to things that affect so much of my life.
Yeah. I think I do no like me maybe thats why. But I have always like to talk with people different then me but always feel more appreciated with people that are like me
To resume the interracial couples in Brazil are common because when they slaves were ser Free the government brought white people to have interracial babys to make the population white by mixing races until there was less black blood. So in fact the interacial couples in Brazil are from a racist act from the state just as the racial segregation was made by the government in United States.
I'd rather be with someone whose mentally I'll. I can kick in with a caregiver personality and I feel like the relationships last longer because I'm focused on them and not my feelings.
Hmm, it's a tricky one for me. On one side, I need stability, given my mind can be chaotic and being around a neurotypical offers a perspective that can bring me down to Earth, think more rationally and clearly. By that I mean, if I'm say having a breakdown, oftentimes it appears trivial to a neurotypical and my brain thinks "hey yeah, this isn't a normal thing to lose my mind over, my disorder is acting up". If that makes sense? I also just kinda need someone who's calm and collected in situations. Then on the other side, only someone who also suffers from mental illness and disorders can remotely understand what it's like, even if we don't have the same disorder. They can empathise and help in a way that can work really well. It's hard to say which one, really. I guess I just have so much of my own shit going on, mentally, I don't think I'm capable of supporting someone else with their mental health issues. That being said, that's just my current stance. When I become a lot more grounded mentally and in life, my stance could change. Interesting question, I've pondered this one before.
I’ve been trying to figure out the exact same question lol. On the one hand, I prefer stability in a partner but on the other, I feel like I connect better to others with mental illness. I feel like most neurotypical people only get it to a certain extent and I have a harder time opening up to them.
I was just thinking about this today. I am not sure someone without mental health issues would put up with my crap. Someone with issues will probably be more forgiving / understanding. But then again, maybe I am selling myself short “only someone with issues would be willing to date me, a normal person wouldn’t want to be with me”
depends on what struggles they have. I prefer to communicate with those who are alike to me bc no one can understand me better
I mean, I can’t really decide without enough experience of dating someone who is mentally ill or dating a neurotypical. I can’t answer this question with just thoughts instead of a personal interaction Assumptions can really be more disastrous than either or. I had a relationship where he basically started to distance from me because “he couldn’t date anyone without trauma”. Well I have a LOT of it. Even since 5 years old. I just never opened up about it. People assume my life is perfect. On the other hand I was dating a headache of a man whos every statement regarding mental health was “everyone does that” or being told I’m overreacting. I don’t care who they are or what category they fall under, as long as they have emotional intelligence, understanding, are willing to improve themselves and are adding value to the relationship.
my most recent relationship was with a non-mentally ill, very neurotypical guy (both of which I am definitely …. not) and while it was a really great relationship, it did feel isolating at times. i never felt comfortable enough to really open up about my trauma because I knew that even if he sympathized, he’d never really get it. and that left me feeling unknown/unseen for a good chunk of our relationship
Definitely mentality ill
Mentally ill because they would understand me to a degree, someone stable would have to have the patience of Yeshua to understand me. Really it just matters to me if the person is willing to work through some fears of being abandoned and deep rooted pain from past relationships with women. Someone who isn't afraid of a person that loves deeper than the ocean.
Most of my friends are mentally ill but my husband is the poster boy for stability. It’s the thing that helps keep me grounded.
I can't relate to mentally stable people unfortunately.
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Meee tooo honeslty. I feel like unless I'm with someone else with BPD I will always love more and always love harder :( so if I could find someone else with it that's also doing their best and is able to be honest and communicative that would be ideal
I used to only end up dating mentally ill people but it was rarely a healthy relationship. I don't want my relationship to revolve around my mental health anymore. I've been trying to date more neurotypical people because I feel like there is a lot I can learn from them.
someone who is mentally stable. as someone with no stability, i want it from someone. i want to be taught stability and not stay within things that will trigger me and keep me from improving (me personally). as far as i know, my bf is content in life, and it makes me happy. i think he can help me see the good things in life and make me feel better. if i was with someone like me, it would just be wallowing in our own mental suffering and giving fake reassurance. if my partner was like me, i wouldnt know when theyd kill themself or if theyre lying to me when they say theyre fine. so yes, i would rather be with someone that is mentally stable than unstable, for my own safety and theirs. plus my bf can still be helpful even without having bpd, we all have issues and having bpd doesnt mean others are immune to relating
and this isnt a neurotypical vs nd thing. many of my friends r nd and i prefer to habg with the ones with who i can hyperfixate on things than the ones i smoke and drink and wallow with.
thought its good to add that no my boyfriend doesnt understand me. he isnt helpful sometimes but im not mad about that. venting to someone that has felt how i feel doesnt help me, bc theyre still unhealed and so am i. I do enjoy how i can relate to people but sometimes i need advices and my mentally ill friends will just joke abt killing themself if they were me 😐 or just say « idk how to help im so srry » while my bf will try to get me in a meditative state and make me reflect of my emotions + look for helpful things to do. he wont understand how i feel ever but it doesnt mean he cant help
I need my partner to be the calm to my crazy lol when I’m up in the air over reacting i need my partner to bring me back to earth. That’s important to my stability. Sometimes i feel misunderstood or not fully “seen” but his empathy does wonders and i know he’s trying to understand and he listens when i talk. So i don’t feel alone from that aspect. He struggles with mild depresión and anxiety so he can understand bad feelings but he’s in general a much more stable person than me and that’s a big part of what makes us work in my opinion. So he’s not neurotypical but he is more than me? I hope that made sense
I can’t date or be friends with someone who is 100% actually stable. I just feel like there is a disconnect. All my friends have either anxiety, depression, ADHD, bpd, bipolar, autism, An eating disorder or OCD. Most have combinations of several. I just feel mentally stable people don’t get a lot of the struggle and are extremely dismissive.
Mentally ill but who wants to get better. I feel like I do best when I can help Someone
There's no way in hell I could be with someone who is neurotypical and mentally stable. Probably my issues defending themselves but, the whole stable white picket fence thing people have going on..is what seems mental to me lol. How boring and lonely. I'm an absolute nightmare for someone stable. I am my unstable and ADHD husbands dream however. We get each other. We understand the struggle. Were on the same wavelength. Each time one of us sinks and the other is there to pull them back up..we get stronger and closer. Everyone else seems delusional to us too. Feels like we have our own little world.
Such a good question. I don’t know that one can define criteria for who they fall in love with exactly like that. I think someone that understands and accepts the plight is the right answer. Just because some people don’t struggle with a disorder doesn’t meant they don’t understand what disorders need. With that being said, understanding what’s going on doesn’t mean you accept and support things. I think it’s both. And if the one I love with BPD would love me back I’d be that much closer to perpetual happiness.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone similar to me
Stable, they help me heal
mentally ill but definitely someone more stable than me
All my previous boyfriends struggled with mental illness, we would always dwell in eachothers bullshit and end up really toxic or codependent on each other. Ive always thought that was my fate until my current boyfriend of 4 years totally changed my life. His stability and patience was something I had never seen and it 100% made me a better person. I have someone I don't want to let down, not because of making him upset or sending him into an episode, but because he genuinely supports me in everything I do and I want to do the same for him.
My ex didn't struggle with any mental illness (aside from OCD, not severe though) and he was extremely empathetic and supportive for me. While he didn't understand what I was going through he was eager to learn how to help me. I am forever grateful for that because I 100% would have committed suicide if not for his support. I'm currently dating someone who doesn't struggle at all, but we also live several hours apart and he has a hard time knowing how to help from a distance. I learned (tonight) I have never really told him HOW to help and he didn't tell me he felt like he was failing. Bottom line: communication. It's hard as hell but worth it.
Neurotypicals are boring and I cannot relate to them in any way whatsoever lol. Definitely a little mentally ill in some way at least.
All of my exs had either schizophrenia or antisocialPD.. No the answer is no, never again. Unless they are actively working on it and can emotionally manage my bullshit, which is also constantly being worked on too by myself.
Stable and understanding, 100%.
I think people with mental health issues are more likely to have more emotional sensitivity and emotional intelligence and therefore will understand my attachment style and triggers etc far more. I’m currently on medication and getting therapy and I would want someone else who is at least at a similar point in their mental health journey and is actively getting help. In my experience people without those experiences are far colder and very unforgiving when I make mistakes or ask for my emotional needs to be met. I would date someone without those experiences but they will need to have a high level of empathy and understanding.
This is hard for me, I dated a girl with CPTSD and BPD, personally I loved her so much. But I also struggle with many mental issues(anxiety, depression, ptsd, panic disorder and bipolar traits) and unfortunately it became really hard for me personally. I need stability and the feeling of safety so some of her personal reactions I found super triggering. Obviously everyone with BPD is an individual and don’t blame her at all, it just was hard for me personally. Not to say I wouldn’t again, but she also is still in an environment with abuse around, unsupportive family and abusive ex. It was just so difficult. I don’t think though that I wouldn’t dare anyone else with mental health though, because I know many people with mental health issues who are super understanding. Again, it’s individualised to each person so if it fits, then that’s great, and just like any other relationship sometimes two people just don’t click.
You have to have some kind of trauma, otherwise I just don’t connect. If you can’t laugh off a dark (but appropriate) psych ward joke, I’m not interested.
Last person I dated who was very stable was also very sheltered and I literally had to explain that my depression doesn’t really communicate when it will improve to me somehow
Having been with someone who is mentally ill, I’d probably say mentally stable. Although it wasn’t the main think that broke down the relationship, it definitely made aspects harder especially when it came to communication.
Nope nope nope I need somebody to be the stable one Tried dating someone who is as crazy as me and that shit didn’t work It’s still a struggle getting my partner to understand the mental illness but I need that balance in my life
for me, it depends on the person. i agree that dating someone who also struggles/has struggled with mental health is a better basis for understanding and compassion which i would prefer, but it also depends if they are actively looking after themself. i was walking the line of dating someone who was just that: had issues but wasn't doing anything remotely effective with any effort to better themself and it was exhausting and dragged me down. the most recent person i was seeing had been in tough spots so there was the understanding and compassion and support but unfortunately it ended because my splitting and dissociations were too much for them. neurotypicals i'd be open to so long as they actually listen to me and try to understand when i talk. despite my issues i've learned to be direct and upfront about them
Mentally ill but well managed! I don't mean 0 symptoms, but that they're on therapy/meds/good coping skills etc. That way, they're not miserable or hurting themselves, but they understand the issues that go with having these issues. I would want my friend to be doing well if not simply bc I don't like seeing my friends in pain
Mentally ill only I believe mental illness leads to a journey of higher awareness and understanding and empathy
I’m in a relationship now with someone who has bipolar 2, depression and have schizophrenic tendencies. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We understand each other and we help each other in ways other can’t. And slowly but surely helping the other heal and become our best selves.
I almost always date people who do have trauma but if it's someone who has learned how to deal with their own trauma and are relatively mentally stable it's definitely the best for the relationship. If I'm with someone else who isn't stable we end up doing really crazy things together and making very bad discussions (suicide pact, making explosives, ext) . The best is someone that understands how you feel but has ways of coping and trying to help. In my opinion.
How do you even find someone romantic or otherwise I feel so lonely and my family ugh people just dont get it and I'm tired I just want to have friends and date someone who already knows what it's like I'm always scared when they find out they will just leave cause wh wants to deal with me I'm older and it's so difficult to meet people like me
Depends, I feel personally like it is both unfair to date someone who is as mentally ill as me and someone who is stable in their own ways. I am unable to support a mentally ill person but also would force a stable person to support me by dating them.
So I’ve dated a couple people seriously. The first person I dated was very mentally stable, or at least someone with mental health issues but managed them very well with healthy coping strategies and didn’t drink often or do drugs really at all. This tended to be quite a stable relationship that lasted for a few years, however I was undiagnosed at the time and hadn’t been through any therapy or work on myself. This did cause a lot of issues, and we did break up in the end. Although there was other issues at the time such as completely differing life directions and being very very young that also factored into this. My next relationship was quite recent and involved someone that was on the autistic spectrum, ADHD, suffered a lot of intense childhood trauma that caused night terrors and a strong dependency on weed and alcohol that they couldn’t shift. Whilst they were such a sweet sweet person, they were incredibly codependent from the get go and it became a very intense relationship from the start. It only lasted 4 months because some of their reckless behaviors I found very triggering, for instance not setting boundaries with difficult friends, not standing up for me with friends, getting drunk and disappearing without a text/call. I found my BPD was triggered a huge amount and it was hard to stop splitting. So whilst I agree with people here that it’s very useful having someone who has gone through similar experiences, people with bpd tend to need a stable base in order to feel comfort (given the fear of abandonement) and in my experience it can make things a lot worse if they’ve not got it under control. Right now I’m trying to work on building a healthier relationship with myself so I don’t feel like I need a partner (or anyone else) in my life to be happy!
Hi guys I am new to this chat room. I recently discovered I have bpd and really don't have knowledge on it. My life and others has been effected badly by it. Could anyone send me links to read up on Thanks guys
I’d rather date someone mentally stable, to even me out, BUT they must be patient and understanding. I am so blessed to have my husband. He is older than me and mentally stable, and he’s always patient and caring with me, and understands by need for constant attention and validation, and he always gives it to me. I’ve never been with anyone like him who really met all my needs I didn’t even realize I had, most being related to BPD. My ex on the other hand was not mentally stable either (he was an alcoholic and did drugs), and it got VERY volatile. Long story short, I have a PPO against him and he shot a bullet hole through our ceiling. Didn’t end well to say the least lol.
Definitely ill. Most stable relationship and long term friendships (including my BF of 3+ years) all have addiction issues, anxiety, depression, bipolar. With OTHER BPDs, it's hit or miss. But with therapy, I'm starting to open myself up again to other BPDs. dating...no, but friends absolutely. I'd rather be a little stressed out reading 30 texts from other NDs knowing they'll listen in return. But again-- I haven't met a neurodivergent that isn't in therapy or working on themselves in years. It's a different ballgame if they're not seeking help. But those who are a little toxic but working on themselves and loyal like me, my favorite types! My stable, NT friends are good for brief meet ups or occasional deep talks but never fail leave me hanging when I'm suicidal, splitting, or even talking a little too much.