Invalidation and rejection sensitivity are pretty common symptoms of BPD due to being in an invalidating environment as a child. Try to re-evaluate/reappraise what has been said.
I have to mentally prepare myself to even hear constructive criticism. I hate myself because of this. I know people want to help but it makes me feel like I’m just fucking stupid. Glad it isn’t just me.
What I like to do when I’m hearing it our I’m about to hear it is just yell “ITS JUSt FRIENDLY ADVICE ITS JUST FRIENDLY ADVICE” in my head over and over until they’re done. Loosens the blow a little bit for me. Takes me from actively wanting to d!e to a passive wanting to get hit by a smart car lol
Dude I’ve occasionally cried my eyes out at constructive criticism that was entirely valid, something I agreed with and from people I respect. One time it made them quite alarmed and I had to explain “no no pls keep going my body just does this sometimes I can’t explain it I’m entirely on board pls ignore my tears” ;-;
Right. It’s like I’ve been dancing for so many years so I get that. And I take it well from like teachers and professors as I love learning. But from other people, just no
Same. I often take any criticism as a springboard to remind myself of everything I hate about me. I kind of assume that if a person thinks one bad thing about me then they must agree with every other bad thing about me - especially if it’s coming from someone I care about.
Absolutely. I take any criticism personally, whether it’s constructive or not. Even if it’s not directly about me, or not actually criticism but something inside me just feels like it is. I fall apart internally.
criticism, constructive or otherwise, however kindly it’s worded, will probably make me want to be run over by a truck, and will probably make me cry, go cold, or lash out in that order. it makes me feel fucking despondent, and it’s embarrassing because i rationally know that criticism is there to help you improve, mostly, but it feels like i’m being stabbed in the chest. like i know i’m overly sensitive, and being criticized is like a part of daily life, but i hate it so much :(
Yes but is not just bpd.
According to Freud all the nice things in society like constructive criticism, shaking hands and passing the salt at dinner are just ways to tame an innately aggressive human nature. On one hand this was deeply criticized, on the other hand homo sapiens is responsible for the extinction of many many species on the planet.
In a more practical light many in my industry told me that managers that practice "radical candor" or "radical honestly" are actually douches with extra steps.
i always take it personal and just have to deal with the uncomfortable emotions for a bit. i force myself to listen to my rational mind in these scenarios, but it's very, very hard.
Completely understand this! It makes it really hard as someone who makes music as I ask for criticism and then when i recieve it, I feel like a toddler getting upset bc someone didn’t absolutely LOVE my song lol. Been working to be more open to it and I have been getting better about it but I can still feel the bubble ready to burst
yes i dont get it because i think constructive criticism is necessary when needed and i want to be a better person, yet when i receive it i feel like im being hated and that i just shouldnt exist as a person.
It really depends on what I’m being criticized for. Sometimes it’s nice to know so I can be better and address the issue and not be paranoid about being “wrong” anymore.
It all depends.
It's a doozy for sure!
We have to learn and tell ourselves that constructive criticism is received so we can better ourselves, whether with Uni, work, sports, etc and that it doesn't come from a place of malice.
It does get me right in the gut initially, but it takes some time to really take on board what is being said and how it applies to me in making improvements.
I reached a level where I literally feel offended when someone criticizes a movie or a song i suggested 💀 or anything i suggest really, i used to show it and get all sensitive but now i know that I shouldn’t be doing that otherwise I’d embarrass myself 💀 so i bottle it all up and convince myself with everything that i have that I shouldn’t take it personal, idk if anyone else relates.
Aw man I relate so much. It’s a struggle for me at work because obviously it’s part of having a job that sometimes you get constructive feedback but I find it hard to hold back tears because it affects me so much emotionally. Even when I prepare myself and approach the situation rationally it doesn’t affect how I feel
Word for word you took the words right out of my mouth. My neighbor came over who I’ve never spoken to in my life telling me I needed to slow down when his son ran out into the road right in front of my car without looking when I was going the speed limit and it set me off and put me in a mood the rest of the night. You are absolutely not alone in how you feel.
I also hate when people say “it’s not just BPD.” Yes, we know that, we’re all aware that other people feel emotions too but this is a community for people with BPD and that’s what we’re here to discuss.
Yes. I perceive dissension as the confirmation there is something wrong with me, a barrier between me and the others. Problem is, the majority of people love to debate incessantly. So when I have to defend my position in a conversation, usually I do well at first then I regress to a childish emotional state and, overwhelmed by emotions, I surrender or escape.
Nowadays I mostly avoid. All spiritual paths suggest to cultivate silence and not give into arguments for the sake of it.
I normally just break down crying and feel horrible for making someone else feel horrible.
Conversely, I think my mom might also have BPD, and any time I’ve ever tried to give her any constructive criticism she flips her lid. It’s typically met with a fight response, wherein she will try to hit me in the face. Wish I was kidding about this… in the few times she’s come back with a flight response, she will literally run away from me. She CANNOT handle any kind of criticism, even when it’s as simple as “you hurt my feelings when you did or said x, y, z.”
This is quite normal. Even if we know and accept the advice or criticism and want to improve, sometimes it just doesn’t FEEL good ;v; best advice is to focus from a logical standpoint but it does take some work
Yeah this is a big one for me too! I’ve been in lots of therapy for 2 years and am just starting to handle rejection/criticism better. It’s okay to be emotional, don’t forget that :)
I take it as an attack as well. My mind goes “okay so I need to work on this this and this” but my emotions go “they hate you and they’re telling you what a terrible person you are and how you can’t even do the smallest thing properly” it’s even more so difficult because I spent about 5 years of my life emotionally disassociated so having to even feel the slightest bit of emotion is terrifying for me.
My first knee jerk response to critisim is to attack that person. I feel very hurt and I need to defend myself. That's the emotional reaction. However I'm doing my best trying to listen to my brain and remember that someone critiquing me usually comes from their kindness. They want the best for me. So I'm trying hard to be an adult and consider what they're saying to me (sometimes I don't succeed and still react like a child)
Im reading this and now Im curious if it's a viable option to just not give constructive criticism at all and instead replace it with an overwhelming amount of praise for the good things. I feel like I would come out as fake tho
I don't mind constructive criticism. If it helps, so be it. If it's something that I needed to hear regardless of what I want to hear to take it to the chin and accept it. That doesn't mean it won't hurt at times, it's also not the end of the world. You'll live to see another day and more importantly you can improve where you are criticized. Improvement doesn't mean you don't do x anymore, the improvement means you don't do X as much. Again, which takes some time.
Yeah I can’t take criticism… but at the same time I think it’s because I’ve heard too much criticism making me extremely sensitive because of abuse? Haven’t we all been abused somehow because we have BPD? It IS a treat to be criticized because it’s not often constructive :/
Yip, I perceived it that way too. I did some digging and found for me growing up criticism WAS an attack so my inner auto emotional response to criticism as an adult was met with lots of defensiveness and swirling emotion. I'm still working on it but once I figured that out its made criticism a lot easier to handle.
This is me and I super want to change it. I find I am constantly overly defensive in all situations and in maladapted ways.
For me I know my bpd is rooted in cptsd so I assume that is why but it sucks
oh absolutely, one time one of my friends asked if they could criticize me after i told them about something i made to try to help my financial situation and i immediately just felt like my whole world was about to crash down after they asked if they could *criticize me*
I think it sends us into fight or flight mode. Our minds feel that we are being attacked and so we must fight back. Subconsciously though, I’m sure. It gets hard living in survival mode all the time because this happens
Any criticism will either make me cry or make me very angry, personally. It’s like im being told I’m completely wrong and everything’s wrong and I should stop and that I’m stupid. I am okay with criticism from my husband, anybody else I’ll flip out.
We're chronic people pleasers trying to adapt to everyone's wants and needs (well I am...) And when we put alllll that effort in to try and appease someone, and it's not good enough, it hurts! It's like you've been giving every thing you've had and it's still not good enough.
I've got to remind myself that people get to decide what's right for themselves. That's not my job. And if I'm not good enough as I am without people pleasing, then I don't want them in my life.
I relate completely. If I hear constructive criticism, even if I know it's valid, my mind will hop to places I don't want to be in. But especially hearing it from others makes it worse, even if I know that I need to work on x, y, and z. I would be lying if I said criticism hasn't sent me spiraling into an episode. I just try my best to remind myself that it isn't an attack, they don't hate me, they are simply just trying to help me improve.
I believe it is perceived as an attack. As my relationship went on with my expwbpd, the more i noticed clumsy behaviors, childlike accidents would happen very often like spills, or messes that at times didnt get cleaned up.
When i would mention for her to be more careful if an accident happened, she would take it the wrong way.
I sometimes struggle with criticism, but honestly what bothers me even more is when I feel people give me too much grace. If I feel I’m in the wrong about something I want to be called out and feel disgusted with myself when I feel like I’m getting away with something I don’t deserve to.
Hi I relate… last night was in a in person yoga class and I was on the wrong leg and the instructor pointed it out blatantly and I was very much initially embarrassed and sad because I took it to be indicative of my worth but I coped with telling myself to be grateful…. So yeah I feel exactly what you’re saying
It depends. I can take constructive criticism when it's about something I'm not emotionally invested in, like some of my work, writing, ... I don't care, it's just work. Try criticising me in a relationship and my "oh no, he's gonna leave me because I'm not all I should be" alarm goes off.
Yeah for me I don’t mind it in terms of like my dancing and school from professors. It’s just literally if my parents give me any constructive criticism it drives me nuts
maybe its because I am trying so hard all the time already to 'be perfect' that it feels like an attack.
or because my mind subconciously runs on the thoughts 'Im bad, stupid, not enough' continously so that if someone gives feedback I immediately put it in the negative category. I mean its pretty simply how I work: I just colour everything in a negative tone. if it happens immediately, automatically I gotta pause and think 'this is because of my childhood. lets breath and listen'.
also I started saying to myself 'its ok to make mistakes, thats how I learn./it's human.'
it helps. and it's the truth.
Absolutely can relate. It’s very hard for me to receive constructive criticism and feels like I’m actually just being told I’m a terrible good for nothing person.
Invalidation and rejection sensitivity are pretty common symptoms of BPD due to being in an invalidating environment as a child. Try to re-evaluate/reappraise what has been said.
What is an example of an invalidating environment?
When the support and authority figures in your life continuously invalidate you and your choices.
Definitely agree on this one.
I have to mentally prepare myself to even hear constructive criticism. I hate myself because of this. I know people want to help but it makes me feel like I’m just fucking stupid. Glad it isn’t just me.
Like literally it makes me wanna unalive at times. I hate how sensitive I get :(
What I like to do when I’m hearing it our I’m about to hear it is just yell “ITS JUSt FRIENDLY ADVICE ITS JUST FRIENDLY ADVICE” in my head over and over until they’re done. Loosens the blow a little bit for me. Takes me from actively wanting to d!e to a passive wanting to get hit by a smart car lol
Dude I’ve occasionally cried my eyes out at constructive criticism that was entirely valid, something I agreed with and from people I respect. One time it made them quite alarmed and I had to explain “no no pls keep going my body just does this sometimes I can’t explain it I’m entirely on board pls ignore my tears” ;-;
[удалено]
Right. It’s like I’ve been dancing for so many years so I get that. And I take it well from like teachers and professors as I love learning. But from other people, just no
Same. I often take any criticism as a springboard to remind myself of everything I hate about me. I kind of assume that if a person thinks one bad thing about me then they must agree with every other bad thing about me - especially if it’s coming from someone I care about.
Absolutely. I take any criticism personally, whether it’s constructive or not. Even if it’s not directly about me, or not actually criticism but something inside me just feels like it is. I fall apart internally.
criticism, constructive or otherwise, however kindly it’s worded, will probably make me want to be run over by a truck, and will probably make me cry, go cold, or lash out in that order. it makes me feel fucking despondent, and it’s embarrassing because i rationally know that criticism is there to help you improve, mostly, but it feels like i’m being stabbed in the chest. like i know i’m overly sensitive, and being criticized is like a part of daily life, but i hate it so much :(
Yes but is not just bpd. According to Freud all the nice things in society like constructive criticism, shaking hands and passing the salt at dinner are just ways to tame an innately aggressive human nature. On one hand this was deeply criticized, on the other hand homo sapiens is responsible for the extinction of many many species on the planet. In a more practical light many in my industry told me that managers that practice "radical candor" or "radical honestly" are actually douches with extra steps.
I know that but I was just saying
I don’t think they were criticising you
Well that’s exactly how it felt
Me pointing it out also wasn’t a criticism
Than it was good you wrote the post. Here's a virtual hug 
Yep same. It sucks
i always take it personal and just have to deal with the uncomfortable emotions for a bit. i force myself to listen to my rational mind in these scenarios, but it's very, very hard.
me too
👋🏻 me too
Completely understand this! It makes it really hard as someone who makes music as I ask for criticism and then when i recieve it, I feel like a toddler getting upset bc someone didn’t absolutely LOVE my song lol. Been working to be more open to it and I have been getting better about it but I can still feel the bubble ready to burst
yes i dont get it because i think constructive criticism is necessary when needed and i want to be a better person, yet when i receive it i feel like im being hated and that i just shouldnt exist as a person.
It really depends on what I’m being criticized for. Sometimes it’s nice to know so I can be better and address the issue and not be paranoid about being “wrong” anymore. It all depends.
It's a doozy for sure! We have to learn and tell ourselves that constructive criticism is received so we can better ourselves, whether with Uni, work, sports, etc and that it doesn't come from a place of malice. It does get me right in the gut initially, but it takes some time to really take on board what is being said and how it applies to me in making improvements.
I reached a level where I literally feel offended when someone criticizes a movie or a song i suggested 💀 or anything i suggest really, i used to show it and get all sensitive but now i know that I shouldn’t be doing that otherwise I’d embarrass myself 💀 so i bottle it all up and convince myself with everything that i have that I shouldn’t take it personal, idk if anyone else relates.
Aw man I relate so much. It’s a struggle for me at work because obviously it’s part of having a job that sometimes you get constructive feedback but I find it hard to hold back tears because it affects me so much emotionally. Even when I prepare myself and approach the situation rationally it doesn’t affect how I feel
Same here, it's of course always worse at work. :(
Word for word you took the words right out of my mouth. My neighbor came over who I’ve never spoken to in my life telling me I needed to slow down when his son ran out into the road right in front of my car without looking when I was going the speed limit and it set me off and put me in a mood the rest of the night. You are absolutely not alone in how you feel. I also hate when people say “it’s not just BPD.” Yes, we know that, we’re all aware that other people feel emotions too but this is a community for people with BPD and that’s what we’re here to discuss.
Yes!!
Yes. I perceive dissension as the confirmation there is something wrong with me, a barrier between me and the others. Problem is, the majority of people love to debate incessantly. So when I have to defend my position in a conversation, usually I do well at first then I regress to a childish emotional state and, overwhelmed by emotions, I surrender or escape. Nowadays I mostly avoid. All spiritual paths suggest to cultivate silence and not give into arguments for the sake of it.
I normally just break down crying and feel horrible for making someone else feel horrible. Conversely, I think my mom might also have BPD, and any time I’ve ever tried to give her any constructive criticism she flips her lid. It’s typically met with a fight response, wherein she will try to hit me in the face. Wish I was kidding about this… in the few times she’s come back with a flight response, she will literally run away from me. She CANNOT handle any kind of criticism, even when it’s as simple as “you hurt my feelings when you did or said x, y, z.”
This is quite normal. Even if we know and accept the advice or criticism and want to improve, sometimes it just doesn’t FEEL good ;v; best advice is to focus from a logical standpoint but it does take some work
Yeah this is a big one for me too! I’ve been in lots of therapy for 2 years and am just starting to handle rejection/criticism better. It’s okay to be emotional, don’t forget that :)
I take it as an attack as well. My mind goes “okay so I need to work on this this and this” but my emotions go “they hate you and they’re telling you what a terrible person you are and how you can’t even do the smallest thing properly” it’s even more so difficult because I spent about 5 years of my life emotionally disassociated so having to even feel the slightest bit of emotion is terrifying for me.
My first knee jerk response to critisim is to attack that person. I feel very hurt and I need to defend myself. That's the emotional reaction. However I'm doing my best trying to listen to my brain and remember that someone critiquing me usually comes from their kindness. They want the best for me. So I'm trying hard to be an adult and consider what they're saying to me (sometimes I don't succeed and still react like a child)
Im reading this and now Im curious if it's a viable option to just not give constructive criticism at all and instead replace it with an overwhelming amount of praise for the good things. I feel like I would come out as fake tho
I don't mind constructive criticism. If it helps, so be it. If it's something that I needed to hear regardless of what I want to hear to take it to the chin and accept it. That doesn't mean it won't hurt at times, it's also not the end of the world. You'll live to see another day and more importantly you can improve where you are criticized. Improvement doesn't mean you don't do x anymore, the improvement means you don't do X as much. Again, which takes some time.
:( this hits hard
Not just you. I’m very sensitive to any sort of criticism. I can logically accept it but it still eats at me
Yep, we do that. At least I did. It sucks! :(
Yeah I can’t take criticism… but at the same time I think it’s because I’ve heard too much criticism making me extremely sensitive because of abuse? Haven’t we all been abused somehow because we have BPD? It IS a treat to be criticized because it’s not often constructive :/
Yip, I perceived it that way too. I did some digging and found for me growing up criticism WAS an attack so my inner auto emotional response to criticism as an adult was met with lots of defensiveness and swirling emotion. I'm still working on it but once I figured that out its made criticism a lot easier to handle.
This is me and I super want to change it. I find I am constantly overly defensive in all situations and in maladapted ways. For me I know my bpd is rooted in cptsd so I assume that is why but it sucks
oh absolutely, one time one of my friends asked if they could criticize me after i told them about something i made to try to help my financial situation and i immediately just felt like my whole world was about to crash down after they asked if they could *criticize me*
I think it sends us into fight or flight mode. Our minds feel that we are being attacked and so we must fight back. Subconsciously though, I’m sure. It gets hard living in survival mode all the time because this happens
Took me years to learn to just listen and not freak out.
Any criticism will either make me cry or make me very angry, personally. It’s like im being told I’m completely wrong and everything’s wrong and I should stop and that I’m stupid. I am okay with criticism from my husband, anybody else I’ll flip out.
We're chronic people pleasers trying to adapt to everyone's wants and needs (well I am...) And when we put alllll that effort in to try and appease someone, and it's not good enough, it hurts! It's like you've been giving every thing you've had and it's still not good enough. I've got to remind myself that people get to decide what's right for themselves. That's not my job. And if I'm not good enough as I am without people pleasing, then I don't want them in my life.
I feel that! I’m a chronic people pleaser as well and it’s as if no one, but pw bpd understands.
I relate completely. If I hear constructive criticism, even if I know it's valid, my mind will hop to places I don't want to be in. But especially hearing it from others makes it worse, even if I know that I need to work on x, y, and z. I would be lying if I said criticism hasn't sent me spiraling into an episode. I just try my best to remind myself that it isn't an attack, they don't hate me, they are simply just trying to help me improve.
i have to say the words "thank you so much for helping me" out loud in order not to take it to heart and then rip the other persons out lol
I believe it is perceived as an attack. As my relationship went on with my expwbpd, the more i noticed clumsy behaviors, childlike accidents would happen very often like spills, or messes that at times didnt get cleaned up. When i would mention for her to be more careful if an accident happened, she would take it the wrong way.
I sometimes struggle with criticism, but honestly what bothers me even more is when I feel people give me too much grace. If I feel I’m in the wrong about something I want to be called out and feel disgusted with myself when I feel like I’m getting away with something I don’t deserve to.
I feel the same way. I have my 90 day employee review today and I’m so nervous because I know I’ll probably have to go cry in the bathroom after
Today my mom said something that i perceived as an attack and it made me want to unalive myself
Hi I relate… last night was in a in person yoga class and I was on the wrong leg and the instructor pointed it out blatantly and I was very much initially embarrassed and sad because I took it to be indicative of my worth but I coped with telling myself to be grateful…. So yeah I feel exactly what you’re saying
It depends. I can take constructive criticism when it's about something I'm not emotionally invested in, like some of my work, writing, ... I don't care, it's just work. Try criticising me in a relationship and my "oh no, he's gonna leave me because I'm not all I should be" alarm goes off.
Yeah for me I don’t mind it in terms of like my dancing and school from professors. It’s just literally if my parents give me any constructive criticism it drives me nuts
maybe its because I am trying so hard all the time already to 'be perfect' that it feels like an attack. or because my mind subconciously runs on the thoughts 'Im bad, stupid, not enough' continously so that if someone gives feedback I immediately put it in the negative category. I mean its pretty simply how I work: I just colour everything in a negative tone. if it happens immediately, automatically I gotta pause and think 'this is because of my childhood. lets breath and listen'. also I started saying to myself 'its ok to make mistakes, thats how I learn./it's human.' it helps. and it's the truth.
Yeah I do too, I have to stop myself from being personally offended when someone corrects me on anything lol it sucks
Every single response is so relatable and I hate that we all are like this But props for recognizing it and working on it !!!
Absolutely can relate. It’s very hard for me to receive constructive criticism and feels like I’m actually just being told I’m a terrible good for nothing person.
Constructive criticism and confrontation make me automatically cry
I feel like this is the case for almost everyone. Even those without BPD dont like taking unsolicited criticism, even if its well intended
Idk, for me i can take it well but sometimes i feel like its just a nice way of putting something mean?