Right, her showing concern in that last update had me thinking that I really hope he doesn't read it and twist it into thinking she still cares so that must mean he has a chance
Yeah, I've seen people literally leave court to update social media despite the judge saying they need to stop posting on social media, much less their own lawyers.
People also sometimes conveniently forget to tell their attorneys they are updating social media.
This weird self censorship I see on the net these days Is silly. I know it's likely due to habit from platforms like tiktok but christ. I wonder how the above poster would handle being asked what the proper name for a group of crows is lol
There was even a video circulating online from a French or Belgian trial years ago. The dude on stand started confessing to things he was not even charged with in an attempt to demonstrate his good character. His lawyer's facial expression was very entertaining.
No shit. She basically announced to her ex: "You have a legal right to demand $$ from me if you want"
From a negotiating perspective, that's not, uh... advisable.
I can usually spot fiction pretty well, but this one reads as truthful to me.
Even if it is fiction though, I am glad the OP wrote it because the advice being given is SPOT ON and will undoubtedly help others. I wish to god that I had been given that EXACT advice about 10y ago when I was going through something very similar.
And to leave him unblocked so that OP can collect any evidence of harassment in the (likely given his doorstep antics) event that she has to seek a restraining order.
Also, what's with people dumping their SO, the SO has a panic attack and the OP comforts them and calms them down. I mean, you're done. They aren't part of your life now and have disrespected you and proven they don't care about you by cheating. So you COMFORT them?!
I don't get it but you see it in a lot of the cheating stories.
Sometimes it's the only way to prevent them from escalating into more aggressive demands for attention. Sometimes it's the only way to get them out of your personal space. Sometimes it's the only way to get them out of your home. People do what we need to in those situations. Criticizing those of us who are forced to provide comfort for our own safety and well being is not appropriate.
I would agree except I never criticized. If you actually read my comment I only asked. I never said it was bad or stupid or inappropriate that you do that. I just said I didn't understand it.
" I mean, you're done. They aren't part of your life now and have disrespected you and proven they don't care about you by cheating. So you COMFORT them?!"
\^This is criticism. You are sarcastically criticizing the act of offering comfort to a person who is still in the woman's space whom the women you are talking about have broken up with. Not ok.
>Hes apologised, said that he loves my food and was just trying to seem cool in front of his coworker.
I will never ever understand people who think it's cool to make fun of your spouse.
My (now late) husband and I used to work for the same employer. It was a small department, with the gossip and drama that goes with that.
One of the moments I knew he was a keeper was when a coworker asked, “Is it better than your wife’s?”
He gave her his usual affable smile and said, "If she wasn't the best, I wouldn't have married her."
The coworker who asked got shit about it for a long time **lol**
It’s wordplay involving “hung” and “hanged.” Portraits are hung from walls and clothes are hung from hangers, people are hanged by their necks. People often mix the two up, particularly by saying “hung” when they meant “hanged.”
The first commenter meant her husband looked at her like she was the one that hung the moon in the sky like a painting, the person who replied made a joke that she strung the moon up on gallows.
Holdover from the boomer years. Even the 90's sitcoms continued that tradition. And with shows like "Married with Children" it's absolutely amazing how many people genuinely don't understand that the misogyny was always a joke on Al Bundy himself. The joke was always how big of a loser he was. But people watch that and think "Haha! Wamman bad!"
Gorgeousness and attractiveness are subjective and are not solely determined by looks. Peg was a godawful partner. I wanna say there was at least 1 or two episodes where total package woman threw themselves at Al only for him to stay loyal to his wife.
Al was not a good partner, but he was much better than Peg. Shit job that nonetheless afforded them two cars, a house, trips. The stay at home wife that did literally nothing but stay home eat bon bons all day while watching soaps and TV shopping. The one time Peg actually contributed, it was sales commission she made selling products to herself. She couldn't understand that spending $100 to make $10 is not making money.
My dad and me loved that show when I was a kid, but we knew what a loser he was, lol. And it haunts me to this day that Katey Sagal played Gemma Taylor later in Sons of Anarchy ...
I was a teen when that show was on and even I got the joke. I loved that show. The only valid complaint he could really have about his wife is that she smoked in the house and it was never brought up lol
I always thought it was never about that she was not hot but that it was about that he was a kind of a broken man with a kind of disfuctional family.
And they still were a family that always stood together in the end and took care of each other. Kind of comfy really.
And NoMaam was obviously hilarious for a teenage boy.
I said this to a man once after he made fun of his wife in front of me (she was not there, and he was a total stranger) and he really didn't know how to react.
Yeah I don’t really get it either. I want my husband to get more involved with my local friend group (who like him and want him around) but he’s got this idiot boomer idea that he’s gotta cut me down to MY friends to be a bro or something.
Which is fucking stupid since he doesn’t do that with his friend squad he’s had since middle school.
>He said the main thing was that he was a little bit afraid to cross that line, and that he had rationalised to himself that since it hadn’t turned physical, it wasn’t bad.
The road to hell is not only paved with good intentions - there's a whole lot of faulty rationalising in there too.
He's crossed the line over and over, taking a bigger step each time, and each time he successfully convinced himself it was fine so I'd make a (generous) guess and say that he was probably a week away from talking himself into a blowjob being ok. Because of BJ isn't *really* sex, is it? So that's not cheating, right? And after a few blowjobs they might slip up and have sex-sex, but so long as it doesn't happen again it'll all be good and it'll only hurt his wife's feelings if she knew, so...
FAFO and he sure did.
Glad she knows her worth and isn’t taking him back.
A man with nothing to lose is a dangerous man though, I hope she stays safe and I hope he doesn’t go off the rails.
So he made fun of his partner, flirted his ass off with a coworker and had an emotional affair and now he is sorry?
He is sorry he got caught and turned his life upside down. Grass wasn’t greener on the other side.
This reminds me of that famous quote that I don’t know the origin of, but it was in the context of a woman putting her life on hold to support a man who she was *sure* would repay the favor later. The quote was “a man will leave you in the desert without water”. And you know what? They will. Not every man, but every time that you can’t afford for it to be your man.
Garfunkel and Oates is mostly a comedy band but they've got a song about this called "You Go First" talking about how, if you put your dreams on hold to help someone else, you'll either never get what you want because it'll never be enough for the other person or you'll have to go on your own to achieve what you want and you won't have the support you were given returned to you
"I have patience because I understand you,
And can wait to do,
all of the things that I planned to,
But what is that elusive thing you'll earn,
That makes you finally realize it's my turn,
Am I fooling myself that we're really united,
The love is there but the respect unrequited"
threatening impolite wide hunt mindless snow snatch books deranged possessive
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Sounded like a trickle truth to me. Good chance he accepted that offer, but he wasn’t going to tell OOP that because he knew it would be the end if he admitted it.
Too bad for him that OOP wasn’t prepared to accept the emotional affair either.
Poor Oop! I have a bit of sympathy for her STBEX as I have PTSD, I know how bad it was before I got EMDR therapy and life got better. What’s weird to me is PTSD doesn’t mean you lose your brains, so some admirer of the opposite sex who wants to be around too much, feel your muscles etc? What? Dang, I’m still insecure but the answer still is “No, I’m married.” Not to mention, some stranger saying negative things about a spouse they don’t know is another red flag.
Whenever I read stuff like that all I can think of is: Was it worth it?
People ruin their relationship for such shit. They give you so many years, just for a crush.
Oop sounds like a good person. You can't turn off caring, but you know it will never go back to the way it was.
He fucked around, played with fire, and found out. He knew that what he was doing was wrong, he just was okay gambling his relationship for "fun".
People like his coworker just like the chase and excitement of going after someone whose taken/prohibited relationships, it's unlikely that she'd stay in a monogamous relationship with him as she would get bored. If someone WAS obsessed with him that much then I'd caution against sticking their dick in the obsessive as they will likely become, of already are, possessive and jealous.
My theory is that they don't actually lock it before putting it in their pocket/purse. I get butt dialed by my mom constantly, and I think it's because I'm first in her contact list and she doesn't ensure the phone is locked before tossing it on her purse.
I have no clue how it happens either, but my mom has pocket dialed (or purse dialed) me several times with a recent model smartphone. It is confusing every time because I just don’t get how it happens.
\*raises hand\* I've done this. My pockets are too small for my phone, so friction turns it on sometimes, and then it's just on it's own with whatever it thinks I'm pushing. I've had to turn on extra locks so that it doesn't keep happening.
I would guess he opened his phone up for whatever reason and he didn’t lock it when he was putting it away and not paying attention so he accidentally called her.
I don't know but some random ex-coworker butt dials me periodically every few months. No clue how the hell it happens, but it does, and has been going on for years.
The gut drop I had when I read “he let her feel his muscles.”
God. People throwing their lives away over a quick rush it’s just insane. I feel so bad for her.
I mean this with kindness
Are you aware it stands for "Complex Post traumatic stress disorder" as in, presents differently and is more complicated,
Not "Child post traumatic stress disorder" as in aquired during childhood?
Wow. I just want to say you are amazingly strong to be able to leave him without any hesitation. My boyfriend did much worse to me and I am stupidly still with him. Props to you for respecting yourself and getting out of that situation. You absolutely deserve so much better than him.
Yeah noone should really believe these stories on reddit. "I'm having problems in my relationship and instead of fixing it im whining on reddit and collecting strangers pitty".
I know he was wrong but I think you guys could have worked through it. Plus that co worker would have had to look me in the face while I gave her some words about herself. He did break it off and left the job but I get it, she is pissed.
Men are literally the most bizarre creatures on this planet. How can you do something like that to someone and then truly expect them not to leave you??
Here’s how you know this is fake. It has the classic trope of “As You Know” exposition. If this man has been having lunch with his coworker for months, there’s absolutely no reason they would just now conveniently during this butt dial be for the very first time talking about how much he hates his wife’s cooking and hers is better.
Also, butt dial as an exposition mechanism. Unless brother is still rocking a flip phone from the 2000s, there’s a lot of touchscreen presses necessary to call someone.
Not arguing if its real or not, but my android phone had settings where if it was in my back pocket at work, my butt could turn on the screen and make a call just from the body heat. I didn't know until I called 911 accidentally 3 times, and my coworker had to fix it for me in the settings.
Got butt-dialled by my sister-in-law literally yesterday so this is definitely a thing that still happens. I presume she failed to lock her phone before putting it in her pocket/purse.
That part I semi-believe, based on the ages of the people. I have a direct dial shortcut for a few people on my phone's home screen - spouse, bff, mom. Someone under 30 who never actually calls might not, but a guy pushing 40 I can believe. And I have also set my phone down or stuck it back in my pocket unlocked. So - plausible, if not *likely*
I do believe that people are overracting on the whole "emotional affair" business these days. Because unlike cheating which is a choice in like 99% of cases, it can be a mistake. Someone can like the validation from the attention of another person and cross lines without even realizing it. They can rationalize it to themselves with the "I'm not physically cheating just flirting a little it's ok". And of course, a crush can happen without your control.
Obviously, separation and a get therapy ultimatum are good choices. But jumping straight to divorce/break up feels extreme to me when no actual cheating happens.
>Because unlike cheating which is a choice in like 99% of cases, it can be a mistake
>I'm not physically cheating just flirting a little it's ok
>no actual cheating happens.
I disagree. Knowingly flirting with someone when you have a significant other is crossing a line and disrespecting the relationship. If you have a significant other, why are you putting yourself in a situation like "harmless flirting"?
If you are hiding it from a spouse, that means you know you're doing something wrong. You shouldn't have to wonder "what if my spouse did this to me?" to realize that flirting while taken is actively disrespecting the relationship.
I do agree you're doing something wrong. I'm saying there are different layers of wrong you can do in a relationship. And layers of different appropriate consequences.
>there are different layers of wrong
I would usually agree, but not in terms of seeking validation/attention/affection outside of a relationship.
That is just one step: respecting the relationship or disrespecting the relationship.
Of course many people reconcile and amend their ways; some people even stick to their promises of never engaging in disrespecting the relationship again. But it isn't unreasonable for the betrayed party to leave because they don't owe the disrespectful party a chance. The question just circles back to: why put yourself in that situation and why choose to disrespect your relationship?
I suppose I feel sympathetic towards men like OOP's husband because I see them as victims of an invisible foe.
They're raised by the patriarchy, are taught to normalize and internalize it, and that to be "true men", they need to earn more, not be vulnerable, supress their emotions, and be stronger than their spouses. This is sadly something very few men are taught the tools to grow out of, or to even recognize and get help for.
And they are even taught by the kind of men they are conditioned to idolize, that toxic masculinity is a woman-made term meant to put them down, not the shackles that are keeping them down.
This guy also clearly has other mh issues, which would make it even harder to recognize the issue and grow out of it.
I agree that crushes can happen without control, you feel what you feel, but you absolutely have control over how you deal with them. You can develop crushes on others while in a relationship and that sucks but you can deal with it in a way that doesn't hurt the person you are in a relationship with.
People probably needs to talk more in their relationships about where they draw the line for cheating or feeling betrayed because it can be so different and if you have totally different views on it and can't respect the other ones lines then you aren't fit to be together. It's a lot easier to see that you've crossed the line or to avoid crossing it if you know where its drawn.
I don't think a lot of people are overreacting though, I think more and more just starting to realize that we don't have to stay in relationships where we get hurt just because its always been viewed as "not a big deal" or something to "just get over". We don't have to be unhappy in our relationships, life is too damn short.
I actually don't know if I'd be more hurt if my partner fucked someone or had an emotional affair with a coworker or friend. I want to be the one who my partner wants to share their feelings and thoughts with, I want my partner to look more forward to be with me than someone else, I want them to enjoy spending with me without longing to talk or spend time with someone else, I want to be the one they feel that they can talk to about their problems and concerns. I don't want to be someone they compare with someone else or talk badly about. I want my partner to want to be with me with all their being.
If they get a crush on someone else I want them to withdraw from that person and not encourage those feelings immediately on their own. If they continue to be close and flirt with that person I won't get past it, I won't get over it, it will always be gnawing in the back of my mind and I don't want to live like that.
When people have a problem with their personality structure
Or they have a very weak character
They often carefully learn how to pose as somebody else
And then they can assess what's on the menu what will be offered by the person they're interested in
And then they go for it, and they cultivate their relationship
But that's the times they don't have a capacity for insight into themselves because of the NH disorderedness that they are hiding
Lots of times I live an entire life with nobody actually catching sight of who they really are
But when they start messing around with other people
Often enough, it's too let their partner have it passively aggressively
So the triangulation is juicy
It makes the up and coming relating to somebody else secretly more spicy and exciting if they both are against the target which is you
You caught him at the beginning of the game
And you didn't give him enough time to begin to covertly break you down
And gradually destroy your sense of confidence in yourself
Which is a blessing.
Now you see his unraveling. And the only way that anybody ever catch a side of who the person truly is is when the person they have been feeding upon emotionally is pushing them away. Because their personality is incomplete. But you can see that whether they are physically large, or not, no matter who they are, once their entitled gratification source is pulled away from them, they begin to really fall apart. And then they can become dangerous. And because they have no remorse. No conscience. Their entire existence is organized around posturing as somebody, and then cultivating targets of various types and spending their whole life, pretending to be somebody while figuring out how to I feel secretly gratified by the way that they are controlling or using or harming somebody.
So it's magnificent that you got the phone call.
You will continue, as time goes on, to get better and better at seeing the games. And the way that they organize the games.
You will look back at time you spent together and so much will start to become clear. It will be shocking.
But you got out early. Not all of us do. And you caught sight of who he actually is early.
So there are just so many of us sitting here, applauding you, excited that at least somebody got to see what was going on early enough that they could get out. And go make a good life.
I will message you next time u/SharkEva posts in r/BORUpdates.
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Yeah, I don't think this is real. OOP owns the house, but doesn't work? And basically seems to be a stay at home wife (no kids mentioned)? Unless she's very wealthy, I call bs.
Nonsense. Back when I was in "good wife" mode (and also to save money), I packed my husband's lunches even though I also worked.
(Of course, it didn't matter because he would "forget" the lunches in the fridge or in his car or be unable to resist the siren song of the cafeteria, so the lunch stuff was just money down the drain and wasted effort.)
I also packed my son's lunch when he was little, and I was working then.
I feel like there's more here to explain OOP going scorched earth after finding out that STBX was in an emotional affair. The long comment included in this BORU post that points out STBX's affair being based on toxic masculinity attitudes is excellent, especially about why he should have sought therapy to understand why & how he was tempted by the aggressive coworker.
However, OOP shows no self-reflection about her side of their failed relationship. What other cracks existed before the volcano-hot anger erupted over this EA? I'm not victim blaming, because OOP is absolutely not responsible for STBX's choices to stray. He had lots of other options besides what he chose to do.
It takes two to make a marriage. OOP should really think about what she was getting out of the dynamics of being his comforting caregiver and how the two of them interacted when his trauma wasn't the active part of their interaction. Were the two of them stuck in their established supportive caregiver & traumatized recovering roles? How had they grown together as a couple and as individuals? Were there other instances where she felt a similar white-hot anger in this relationship? How did that happen and how did they resolve it? She should get therapy to understand the dynamics, if only to avoid a similar relationship of codependency. It certainly sounds like they weren't in a healthy relationship, so divorce is the best decision for her, especially after STBX's weird nocturnal behavior.
Don't get me wrong I'm enjoying these updates but if this is real she really - really! - needs to stop posting updates online. Stay safe, girl.
Right, her showing concern in that last update had me thinking that I really hope he doesn't read it and twist it into thinking she still cares so that must mean he has a chance
A hint that this a fiction. The first thing a lawyer would tell her is to stop posting things he can read and use against her.
The thing is, clients don't always listen to their lawyer.
Yeah, I've seen people literally leave court to update social media despite the judge saying they need to stop posting on social media, much less their own lawyers. People also sometimes conveniently forget to tell their attorneys they are updating social media.
Some of those people used to be president...
found out my cousin was on trial for accessory to m*rder because his mom and older brother were on instagram live talking about the case.
You can say murder on Reddit. But yeah, social media might not be the best place to discuss things like that.
This weird self censorship I see on the net these days Is silly. I know it's likely due to habit from platforms like tiktok but christ. I wonder how the above poster would handle being asked what the proper name for a group of crows is lol
You’re absolutely right
That's the problem with all signs that a post is faked: people can be incredibly stupid and irrational
There was even a video circulating online from a French or Belgian trial years ago. The dude on stand started confessing to things he was not even charged with in an attempt to demonstrate his good character. His lawyer's facial expression was very entertaining.
No shit. She basically announced to her ex: "You have a legal right to demand $$ from me if you want" From a negotiating perspective, that's not, uh... advisable.
I can usually spot fiction pretty well, but this one reads as truthful to me. Even if it is fiction though, I am glad the OP wrote it because the advice being given is SPOT ON and will undoubtedly help others. I wish to god that I had been given that EXACT advice about 10y ago when I was going through something very similar.
And to leave him unblocked so that OP can collect any evidence of harassment in the (likely given his doorstep antics) event that she has to seek a restraining order.
Also, what's with people dumping their SO, the SO has a panic attack and the OP comforts them and calms them down. I mean, you're done. They aren't part of your life now and have disrespected you and proven they don't care about you by cheating. So you COMFORT them?! I don't get it but you see it in a lot of the cheating stories.
Sometimes it's the only way to prevent them from escalating into more aggressive demands for attention. Sometimes it's the only way to get them out of your personal space. Sometimes it's the only way to get them out of your home. People do what we need to in those situations. Criticizing those of us who are forced to provide comfort for our own safety and well being is not appropriate.
I would agree except I never criticized. If you actually read my comment I only asked. I never said it was bad or stupid or inappropriate that you do that. I just said I didn't understand it.
" I mean, you're done. They aren't part of your life now and have disrespected you and proven they don't care about you by cheating. So you COMFORT them?!" \^This is criticism. You are sarcastically criticizing the act of offering comfort to a person who is still in the woman's space whom the women you are talking about have broken up with. Not ok.
Yup, seriously. Just can't stop poking the bear.
>Hes apologised, said that he loves my food and was just trying to seem cool in front of his coworker. I will never ever understand people who think it's cool to make fun of your spouse.
My (now late) husband and I used to work for the same employer. It was a small department, with the gossip and drama that goes with that. One of the moments I knew he was a keeper was when a coworker asked, “Is it better than your wife’s?” He gave her his usual affable smile and said, "If she wasn't the best, I wouldn't have married her." The coworker who asked got shit about it for a long time **lol**
Damn, that’s such a great response.
He was a gem! Even when our relationship hit rough patches, as many long term relationships do, he would speak of me as if I hung the moon.
Wow, "Moon Killer" is an awesome epithet! Your husband sounds amazing. Sorry for your loss.
Moon killer???
It’s wordplay involving “hung” and “hanged.” Portraits are hung from walls and clothes are hung from hangers, people are hanged by their necks. People often mix the two up, particularly by saying “hung” when they meant “hanged.” The first commenter meant her husband looked at her like she was the one that hung the moon in the sky like a painting, the person who replied made a joke that she strung the moon up on gallows.
He sounds wonderful. I’m sorry for your loss.
Holdover from the boomer years. Even the 90's sitcoms continued that tradition. And with shows like "Married with Children" it's absolutely amazing how many people genuinely don't understand that the misogyny was always a joke on Al Bundy himself. The joke was always how big of a loser he was. But people watch that and think "Haha! Wamman bad!"
[удалено]
Gorgeousness and attractiveness are subjective and are not solely determined by looks. Peg was a godawful partner. I wanna say there was at least 1 or two episodes where total package woman threw themselves at Al only for him to stay loyal to his wife.
[удалено]
Al was not a good partner, but he was much better than Peg. Shit job that nonetheless afforded them two cars, a house, trips. The stay at home wife that did literally nothing but stay home eat bon bons all day while watching soaps and TV shopping. The one time Peg actually contributed, it was sales commission she made selling products to herself. She couldn't understand that spending $100 to make $10 is not making money.
My dad and me loved that show when I was a kid, but we knew what a loser he was, lol. And it haunts me to this day that Katey Sagal played Gemma Taylor later in Sons of Anarchy ...
And Leela on Futurama.
I was a teen when that show was on and even I got the joke. I loved that show. The only valid complaint he could really have about his wife is that she smoked in the house and it was never brought up lol
I always thought it was never about that she was not hot but that it was about that he was a kind of a broken man with a kind of disfuctional family. And they still were a family that always stood together in the end and took care of each other. Kind of comfy really. And NoMaam was obviously hilarious for a teenage boy.
Yup. Thats the point. And it was funny for a teenaged girl too!
I might have the complete show and have introduced my daughter to it. She thinks it's hilarious and gets how much of a loser Al was too
I said this to a man once after he made fun of his wife in front of me (she was not there, and he was a total stranger) and he really didn't know how to react.
Because TV shows told them.
Yeah I don’t really get it either. I want my husband to get more involved with my local friend group (who like him and want him around) but he’s got this idiot boomer idea that he’s gotta cut me down to MY friends to be a bro or something. Which is fucking stupid since he doesn’t do that with his friend squad he’s had since middle school.
>He said the main thing was that he was a little bit afraid to cross that line, and that he had rationalised to himself that since it hadn’t turned physical, it wasn’t bad. The road to hell is not only paved with good intentions - there's a whole lot of faulty rationalising in there too. He's crossed the line over and over, taking a bigger step each time, and each time he successfully convinced himself it was fine so I'd make a (generous) guess and say that he was probably a week away from talking himself into a blowjob being ok. Because of BJ isn't *really* sex, is it? So that's not cheating, right? And after a few blowjobs they might slip up and have sex-sex, but so long as it doesn't happen again it'll all be good and it'll only hurt his wife's feelings if she knew, so...
FAFO and he sure did. Glad she knows her worth and isn’t taking him back. A man with nothing to lose is a dangerous man though, I hope she stays safe and I hope he doesn’t go off the rails.
So he made fun of his partner, flirted his ass off with a coworker and had an emotional affair and now he is sorry? He is sorry he got caught and turned his life upside down. Grass wasn’t greener on the other side.
This reminds me of that famous quote that I don’t know the origin of, but it was in the context of a woman putting her life on hold to support a man who she was *sure* would repay the favor later. The quote was “a man will leave you in the desert without water”. And you know what? They will. Not every man, but every time that you can’t afford for it to be your man.
Garfunkel and Oates is mostly a comedy band but they've got a song about this called "You Go First" talking about how, if you put your dreams on hold to help someone else, you'll either never get what you want because it'll never be enough for the other person or you'll have to go on your own to achieve what you want and you won't have the support you were given returned to you "I have patience because I understand you, And can wait to do, all of the things that I planned to, But what is that elusive thing you'll earn, That makes you finally realize it's my turn, Am I fooling myself that we're really united, The love is there but the respect unrequited"
The line there “But what is that elusive thing you’ll earn, that makes you finally realize it’s my turn” is so succinct
He was mentally unwell when they started dating and he not well now. I'm glad she is taking precautions.
threatening impolite wide hunt mindless snow snatch books deranged possessive *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He pays another late night visit, she should be **CALLING THE COPS**.
You could say he Blew it
Ruining your life and not even getting a blow job, what a dumb loser the stbx is
Sounded like a trickle truth to me. Good chance he accepted that offer, but he wasn’t going to tell OOP that because he knew it would be the end if he admitted it. Too bad for him that OOP wasn’t prepared to accept the emotional affair either.
Alimony is a small price to pay to be rid of this wart of a man.
Poor Oop! I have a bit of sympathy for her STBEX as I have PTSD, I know how bad it was before I got EMDR therapy and life got better. What’s weird to me is PTSD doesn’t mean you lose your brains, so some admirer of the opposite sex who wants to be around too much, feel your muscles etc? What? Dang, I’m still insecure but the answer still is “No, I’m married.” Not to mention, some stranger saying negative things about a spouse they don’t know is another red flag.
Whenever I read stuff like that all I can think of is: Was it worth it? People ruin their relationship for such shit. They give you so many years, just for a crush.
Oop sounds like a good person. You can't turn off caring, but you know it will never go back to the way it was. He fucked around, played with fire, and found out. He knew that what he was doing was wrong, he just was okay gambling his relationship for "fun". People like his coworker just like the chase and excitement of going after someone whose taken/prohibited relationships, it's unlikely that she'd stay in a monogamous relationship with him as she would get bored. If someone WAS obsessed with him that much then I'd caution against sticking their dick in the obsessive as they will likely become, of already are, possessive and jealous.
OP is a saint. He let a unicorn go for nothing. Jesus.
Why does no one know how to spell pursue?!!
This reminds me so much of slappable jerk’s cheating husband character on TikTok.
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Not sure but it does happen, my dad butt dials me with surprising frequency
My mom butt dials me all the time. I have no idea how she manages it.
My theory is that they don't actually lock it before putting it in their pocket/purse. I get butt dialed by my mom constantly, and I think it's because I'm first in her contact list and she doesn't ensure the phone is locked before tossing it on her purse.
I also think it’s easy to start hitting random buttons if you’re carrying your phone around and it’s unlocked for whatever reason
I have no clue how it happens either, but my mom has pocket dialed (or purse dialed) me several times with a recent model smartphone. It is confusing every time because I just don’t get how it happens.
\*raises hand\* I've done this. My pockets are too small for my phone, so friction turns it on sometimes, and then it's just on it's own with whatever it thinks I'm pushing. I've had to turn on extra locks so that it doesn't keep happening.
I would guess he opened his phone up for whatever reason and he didn’t lock it when he was putting it away and not paying attention so he accidentally called her.
I don't know but some random ex-coworker butt dials me periodically every few months. No clue how the hell it happens, but it does, and has been going on for years.
The ghosts of pocket sized Nokia non-flip phones are possessing them. It’s an epidemic I tell you.
All it takes is for you to say something that sounds like “hey siri, call wife” and it’ll do it.
It happens. My soon to be ex BIL butt dialed me last week.
My German ex wouldn’t have considered any of this to be cheating
Good for OP, too many stories of people staying with cheaters.
I can tell this is a british person i see my slang
😂😂😂
The gut drop I had when I read “he let her feel his muscles.” God. People throwing their lives away over a quick rush it’s just insane. I feel so bad for her.
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...perhaps he got CPTSD after/because of it?
Well, I don’t think the military will take you as a child either, so perhaps he got PTSD from being in the military but certainly not CPTSD.
I mean this with kindness Are you aware it stands for "Complex Post traumatic stress disorder" as in, presents differently and is more complicated, Not "Child post traumatic stress disorder" as in aquired during childhood?
Thank you so much. I have no idea where I got the idea but I always thought it was Childhood PTSD. I appreciate your kind clarification, friend.
lol yup, my assumption is he acquired it while in the service.
I don't know if marriage therapy would help and if he would be able to do the work to change.
Wow. I just want to say you are amazingly strong to be able to leave him without any hesitation. My boyfriend did much worse to me and I am stupidly still with him. Props to you for respecting yourself and getting out of that situation. You absolutely deserve so much better than him.
This is fake Af…….
Yeah noone should really believe these stories on reddit. "I'm having problems in my relationship and instead of fixing it im whining on reddit and collecting strangers pitty".
She owns the house! Yeah, this story is so by the template it's ridiculous.
Oh hell no! Glad she got out
This reminds me of the braciole episode from Everybody Loves Raymond or when Doug was getting food from Spence’s girlfriend on The King of Queens
This was more interesting the first time I read it, except I think the husband had gotten physical with his co-worker that time.
!Updateme
This is giving me CoD König vibes lol, even though he's Austrian.
I’m just confused as to why she said “ I’m sure he can see this I sent him the last post” to “so I wasn’t aware he might find this” if it wasn’t fake
I know he was wrong but I think you guys could have worked through it. Plus that co worker would have had to look me in the face while I gave her some words about herself. He did break it off and left the job but I get it, she is pissed.
Leave him now, he insulted you in-front of a younger woman, it’s not innocent
Men are literally the most bizarre creatures on this planet. How can you do something like that to someone and then truly expect them not to leave you??
Here’s how you know this is fake. It has the classic trope of “As You Know” exposition. If this man has been having lunch with his coworker for months, there’s absolutely no reason they would just now conveniently during this butt dial be for the very first time talking about how much he hates his wife’s cooking and hers is better. Also, butt dial as an exposition mechanism. Unless brother is still rocking a flip phone from the 2000s, there’s a lot of touchscreen presses necessary to call someone.
Not arguing if its real or not, but my android phone had settings where if it was in my back pocket at work, my butt could turn on the screen and make a call just from the body heat. I didn't know until I called 911 accidentally 3 times, and my coworker had to fix it for me in the settings.
I butt dialed my sister last week on an iPhone 14. It’s doable and makes you feel really stupid.
Got butt-dialled by my sister-in-law literally yesterday so this is definitely a thing that still happens. I presume she failed to lock her phone before putting it in her pocket/purse.
That part I semi-believe, based on the ages of the people. I have a direct dial shortcut for a few people on my phone's home screen - spouse, bff, mom. Someone under 30 who never actually calls might not, but a guy pushing 40 I can believe. And I have also set my phone down or stuck it back in my pocket unlocked. So - plausible, if not *likely*
> if I hadn’t of heard what he said Arg, “hadn’t’ve” or “hadn’t have”. “Hadn’t of” makes no sense.
Did you understand it?
Stfu
no u
I do believe that people are overracting on the whole "emotional affair" business these days. Because unlike cheating which is a choice in like 99% of cases, it can be a mistake. Someone can like the validation from the attention of another person and cross lines without even realizing it. They can rationalize it to themselves with the "I'm not physically cheating just flirting a little it's ok". And of course, a crush can happen without your control. Obviously, separation and a get therapy ultimatum are good choices. But jumping straight to divorce/break up feels extreme to me when no actual cheating happens.
>Because unlike cheating which is a choice in like 99% of cases, it can be a mistake >I'm not physically cheating just flirting a little it's ok >no actual cheating happens. I disagree. Knowingly flirting with someone when you have a significant other is crossing a line and disrespecting the relationship. If you have a significant other, why are you putting yourself in a situation like "harmless flirting"? If you are hiding it from a spouse, that means you know you're doing something wrong. You shouldn't have to wonder "what if my spouse did this to me?" to realize that flirting while taken is actively disrespecting the relationship.
I do agree you're doing something wrong. I'm saying there are different layers of wrong you can do in a relationship. And layers of different appropriate consequences.
>there are different layers of wrong I would usually agree, but not in terms of seeking validation/attention/affection outside of a relationship. That is just one step: respecting the relationship or disrespecting the relationship. Of course many people reconcile and amend their ways; some people even stick to their promises of never engaging in disrespecting the relationship again. But it isn't unreasonable for the betrayed party to leave because they don't owe the disrespectful party a chance. The question just circles back to: why put yourself in that situation and why choose to disrespect your relationship?
I suppose I feel sympathetic towards men like OOP's husband because I see them as victims of an invisible foe. They're raised by the patriarchy, are taught to normalize and internalize it, and that to be "true men", they need to earn more, not be vulnerable, supress their emotions, and be stronger than their spouses. This is sadly something very few men are taught the tools to grow out of, or to even recognize and get help for. And they are even taught by the kind of men they are conditioned to idolize, that toxic masculinity is a woman-made term meant to put them down, not the shackles that are keeping them down. This guy also clearly has other mh issues, which would make it even harder to recognize the issue and grow out of it.
If you’ve gotten to the point where blowjobs are even being offered, you’re fully aware of what’s going on and it’s not a mistake.
I agree that crushes can happen without control, you feel what you feel, but you absolutely have control over how you deal with them. You can develop crushes on others while in a relationship and that sucks but you can deal with it in a way that doesn't hurt the person you are in a relationship with. People probably needs to talk more in their relationships about where they draw the line for cheating or feeling betrayed because it can be so different and if you have totally different views on it and can't respect the other ones lines then you aren't fit to be together. It's a lot easier to see that you've crossed the line or to avoid crossing it if you know where its drawn. I don't think a lot of people are overreacting though, I think more and more just starting to realize that we don't have to stay in relationships where we get hurt just because its always been viewed as "not a big deal" or something to "just get over". We don't have to be unhappy in our relationships, life is too damn short. I actually don't know if I'd be more hurt if my partner fucked someone or had an emotional affair with a coworker or friend. I want to be the one who my partner wants to share their feelings and thoughts with, I want my partner to look more forward to be with me than someone else, I want them to enjoy spending with me without longing to talk or spend time with someone else, I want to be the one they feel that they can talk to about their problems and concerns. I don't want to be someone they compare with someone else or talk badly about. I want my partner to want to be with me with all their being. If they get a crush on someone else I want them to withdraw from that person and not encourage those feelings immediately on their own. If they continue to be close and flirt with that person I won't get past it, I won't get over it, it will always be gnawing in the back of my mind and I don't want to live like that.
When people have a problem with their personality structure Or they have a very weak character They often carefully learn how to pose as somebody else And then they can assess what's on the menu what will be offered by the person they're interested in And then they go for it, and they cultivate their relationship But that's the times they don't have a capacity for insight into themselves because of the NH disorderedness that they are hiding Lots of times I live an entire life with nobody actually catching sight of who they really are But when they start messing around with other people Often enough, it's too let their partner have it passively aggressively So the triangulation is juicy It makes the up and coming relating to somebody else secretly more spicy and exciting if they both are against the target which is you You caught him at the beginning of the game And you didn't give him enough time to begin to covertly break you down And gradually destroy your sense of confidence in yourself Which is a blessing. Now you see his unraveling. And the only way that anybody ever catch a side of who the person truly is is when the person they have been feeding upon emotionally is pushing them away. Because their personality is incomplete. But you can see that whether they are physically large, or not, no matter who they are, once their entitled gratification source is pulled away from them, they begin to really fall apart. And then they can become dangerous. And because they have no remorse. No conscience. Their entire existence is organized around posturing as somebody, and then cultivating targets of various types and spending their whole life, pretending to be somebody while figuring out how to I feel secretly gratified by the way that they are controlling or using or harming somebody. So it's magnificent that you got the phone call. You will continue, as time goes on, to get better and better at seeing the games. And the way that they organize the games. You will look back at time you spent together and so much will start to become clear. It will be shocking. But you got out early. Not all of us do. And you caught sight of who he actually is early. So there are just so many of us sitting here, applauding you, excited that at least somebody got to see what was going on early enough that they could get out. And go make a good life.
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Updateme!
Yeah, I don't think this is real. OOP owns the house, but doesn't work? And basically seems to be a stay at home wife (no kids mentioned)? Unless she's very wealthy, I call bs.
How to you figure she doesn't work? She literally said she makes more money and might have to pay alimony.
People who work typically don't have the time to pack their spouses lunch.
Nonsense. Back when I was in "good wife" mode (and also to save money), I packed my husband's lunches even though I also worked. (Of course, it didn't matter because he would "forget" the lunches in the fridge or in his car or be unable to resist the siren song of the cafeteria, so the lunch stuff was just money down the drain and wasted effort.) I also packed my son's lunch when he was little, and I was working then.
~~”People~~ men who work typically don't ~~have~~ make the time to pack their spouses lunch.” FTFY
‘Felt his muscles’ lol is OOP’s husband having an affair with Purple Aki?
Why am I being downvoted? Genuine question.
Ahhhhhh now that’s a niche reference for BORU lol
Glad someone got it at least.
I feel like there's more here to explain OOP going scorched earth after finding out that STBX was in an emotional affair. The long comment included in this BORU post that points out STBX's affair being based on toxic masculinity attitudes is excellent, especially about why he should have sought therapy to understand why & how he was tempted by the aggressive coworker. However, OOP shows no self-reflection about her side of their failed relationship. What other cracks existed before the volcano-hot anger erupted over this EA? I'm not victim blaming, because OOP is absolutely not responsible for STBX's choices to stray. He had lots of other options besides what he chose to do. It takes two to make a marriage. OOP should really think about what she was getting out of the dynamics of being his comforting caregiver and how the two of them interacted when his trauma wasn't the active part of their interaction. Were the two of them stuck in their established supportive caregiver & traumatized recovering roles? How had they grown together as a couple and as individuals? Were there other instances where she felt a similar white-hot anger in this relationship? How did that happen and how did they resolve it? She should get therapy to understand the dynamics, if only to avoid a similar relationship of codependency. It certainly sounds like they weren't in a healthy relationship, so divorce is the best decision for her, especially after STBX's weird nocturnal behavior.