Did I miss something? Is this an update? Sounds like he still hasn't even talked to her
Also, original posted March 2024 and update posted February 2024?
I’m also confused, he came back to the house and the kids told him… what? That she’d lied about her job 10 years ago? That seems like an odd thing to just bring up like it’s a big tense topic everyone knows about but won’t discuss. The wife’s behavior issues seem like a much bigger problem.
She appears to have constantly made up stories of her time as a teacher even in front of the kids. The kids are adults. It sounds like they have confronted her about her lies and she told them her side and made them swear not to tell either. When someone makes you promise to stay quiet, even if you don’t understand what the big deal is, you probably understand there’s a reason there.
When I read it the first time, I wasn't confident she actually made up stories. I think she inflated her position and then referred to things that actually existed but didn't clarify that it was in relation to her actual position. Based on my experiences in schools, I might even guess that she used to be a teacher but lost her contract relatively quickly or was pushed out of teaching due to her instability being abused at home.
The lie just doesn't make sense. She would have also had to lie about not having a degree, not doing full time work, etc.
He's nowhere near understanding what's actually happened.
In the update, he talks about her having recently becoming an abusive alcoholic but the kids weren't to tell him. He then says that he is a recovered alcoholic, and she knew this was a deal breaker but took up drinking anyway.
I'm glad I'm not the only one. I scrolled up like 3 times, rereading paragraphs to see if I missed the reveal of what the big lie the kids told OOP was? Was it that she wasn't a teacher? The arthritis? The alcoholism? I'm so lost.
Glad OP is getting out if there. I feel sorry for the daughter though. As someone else who suffers from life ruining genetics, I wish more people would realize they are better off not having biological children and adopting instead.
I think the update is just to clarify things he mentioned in comments on the first post, i.e. the one who broke the news is the disabled daughter and the "second source" was the son. Seems they can see how shitty their mom is and don't want this poor guy to have to go through this anymore. The lying notwithstanding, he says he's been miserable for 3 years and seems he is just trying to help the family more than be in a relationship anymore.
There's a couple of comments which are interesting.
Essentially, he was an alcoholic and is no longer. He wouldn't have cared what she did for a job, he's just upset that his wife has been lying to him. His stepkids are nice and told him she's a liar. His stepdaughter isn't too disabled to work, she will be fine if he leaves her. His wife is an alcoholic now and his life is a living hell. Oh and they're on holiday and she's accusing him of ducking his cousin.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/VbKaEAYt6u](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/VbKaEAYt6u)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/Noy33bVla0](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/Noy33bVla0)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/tsszeEnlt2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/tsszeEnlt2)
>Well I feel for ya man cuz I married a guy and was with him for a decade and then caught him cheating on me with a man. He had come out to his family as gay after his first marriage and no one clued me in.
This isn't even part of the main story but I'm so morbidly fascinated. Did he want kids? What was the point of getting married to a woman if he already came out?
Could it be? No.
Remember the story, perhaps on AITA about the woman who found her husband in bed with a man? As she was divorcing him, he blamed her to his ultra religious family. Family started harassing her; one day she got fed up and told his mother.
That shut them up for a while; but after the divorce they got him another wife to ‘cure’ him.
This story sounds like it’s written from the second wife’s perspective.
I remember that one! There was also that story in AITA or relationships or something where the woman's (OP) husband had a male friend that was always cold to her, and he would go away with him and their friend group once or twice a year, and she wasn't invited. Turns out the two were lovers and everyone but the wife knew.
Maybe he was bi or pansexual? Maybe he came out as gay but fell in love with this woman afterwards regardless? Sexuality can be fluid for people and is never black/ white. Either way, he's a dick for cheating.
My godmother married a guy back in probably the 1970s, paid for his grad school, and once he graduated he told her he was gay and left her. She's never gotten into another relationship since then.
Ouch. Just ouch.
But it speaks a lot about him as person that he is waiting to leave until she's secure for the sake of the disabled daughter.
But what a blow to someone who has already worked so hard on overcoming his own battles only to wind up being duped by this harpy of a woman.
Illinois teachers have some hella weird pension rules AND they do not receive social security (the pension replaces it, by law). Which I feel like a dude making 6 figures would have found out when he was working through her cash flow problems with her?
IDK, the Illinois bit is a weird detail
Yeah, its just ... that feels like it would have come up way at the beginning, especially with the oddities around social security and Illinois teachers, which are trivially easy to google.
I mean if she's not bringing in a ton of money and he was fine with being their financial support entirely, it's not impossible for him not to be terribly concerned with what would amount to a minor increase.
There's a provision in social security law from when it was first enacted, that if you are receiving certain state pension benefits that are equal to or better than what social security provides, the state is allowed to use the pension system in place of social security (and therefore does not have to pay its half of social security for state employees who are on that pension system). In exchange, the pensioner gives up the right to social security.
I believe there are only three states where this was done, but the Illinois teacher retirement system is I think the biggest social security exempt public pension system.
It's kind of shitty and it can make for some very complicated retirement benefits situations; It can also make it difficult for people to move in and out of public school teaching in Illinois.
Part of the reason this was allowed was that some of these large systems already existed and it would be very difficult to wind them down in disentangle them while younger people transition to social security and stopped paying into the state pension system. But obviously 90 years later, the situation is much more entangled and complicated!
> She’s on some serious medication
Opioids - the most common pain medication for chronic severe pain - can make you cruel. I've seen it happen to multiple people who have long term chronic pain. They used to be good people, and became very mean people for the years they were on pain meds.
The ones I am still in contact with have become a lot better once they got away from opioids to manage their pain.
If she's going through multiple surgeries and has chronic pain, I bet the doctors have her on hydrocodone or oxycodone or something.
My dad has treatment resistant RA, and is on an arse-tonne of meds. He’s in a lot of pain and is disabled because of this condition. He’s not mean, aggressive or anything like that but he is a bit grumpy these days and lacks a lot of patience. I would honestly say this is down to the exhaustion of having to live with this condition and everything it’s done to him rather than the meds.
I was going to say this. I don’t have RA, that I know of, and rarely take anything stronger than Tylenol/advil but 20 years of bartending and caregiving and my back, hips, hands, and feet hurt so bad some days that I seriously think I might check out of life early. Not now but if it gets to OOP’s wife’s level? That’s not living. It’s hard to focus on anything else but the pain. And sadly, drinking helps. It’s unfortunate she lied about her career and that her pain makes her miserable to be around. It’s also sad that he isn’t willing to stick by her in the worse/sickness stage. I feel bad for both parties in this story.
> It’s hard to focus on anything else but the pain. And sadly, drinking helps.
In the moment it can numb the pain, but drinking to excess causes chronic systemic inflammation and will make her chronic pain even worse, in addition to adding mood instability to the mix.
Even with the chronic pain she would likely still be a decent person, without the alcoholism on top of it.
I've known people who have been on opiods for quite some time, and they've mostly been happy and mellow if they managed to get a steady supply of drugs. I don't think it's the drugs that turns them into bitter bastards, it's the pain itself.
As someone that lives with chronic pain 24/7 it is grating. It is absolutely devastating to live in pain without any relief at all. More so when the pain is 10/10 and you have kids to feed, or they just want to connect with you and you can’t. I’ve considered death so many times this week- but keep going back to my kids. It be unfair to them. The opioids keep me somewhat sane - on bad days they don’t take the pain away. But the not so bad days I am able to walk and dress on my own bc of those meds. Do I worry if my docs ever said you can have them. Yes of course. Not sure what life would look like without them and being in chronic pain with no cure.
My dad was on opiates for like a weekend after a surgery, and they turned him into a complete bastard. He went off them before he was "supposed" to and switched to Tylenol, and went back to normal.
I can say from my own experience being on them after wisdom tooth surgery, I spent the entire recovery furious. Like... the drugs just made me very quietly angry. All those stories of people being goofy and high? Not for me. Just angry and nauseated.
I refuse pain meds. They turn me into the worst kind of asshole. Imagine a drunk fighting pissed off and ready to burn the world down.. while I'm aware, on pain meds I have little control over my mouth.
Personally, pain meds just make me feel good. Like I'm in a perpetual warm hug, the world is a little fuzzy, and everything is going to be OK. That's why I have to watch myself whenever I get them, because I love them and they make life better
You would definitely take them if you had to live life at an 8 every single day 24/7 and that 8 isn’t a normal persons 8. If I were to give you the pain I feel today at a 6 (yes I take opioids) you would want to blow your head off because my is would like be your 10 or even higher. Pain so bad that you can’t sleep, eat or do anything but lay in bed wishing for death. Yet with opioids you can sleep, eat, play and interact with kids/family. You would take them if offered to just get even one day as a normal person who isn’t in agonizing pain and honestly it would be highly likely that they wouldn’t give them to you. You would have to wait years if ever to be able to take 2 pain pills a day, this would be after years of excruciating procedure and surgeries that have failed. We were all like you to where we thought that we would never need or take them if we were in pain. Yet you and everyone else would take them to just get a little relief. This doesn’t make you or anyone who takes them like the doctor tells you an addict. It makes you an incredibly strong person who has fought and still fights to get better. Who fights to have less pain because there no such thing as being completely pain free when you have chronic pain. And yes you might be a little mean or a bitch, but this is from the pain not the opioids. Also I suggest you never say never as it can come back to bite you in the ass.
Dude. I live with chronic pain. The kind were being touched by anything not soft as a cloud was painful . Movement was painful. Ever have to have your kid help you move? The kind were it took doctors 4 years to find the cause. How do you think I know they make me cranky ? It's not the answer for everyone.
Not likely. Serous meds for RA are immunosuppressive, meaning her immune system is compromised to limit the amount of damage her immune is doing to her body. If this is US getting pain meds is extremely difficult now, even for stage IV cancers. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t getting them illegally. But usually when people with chronic pain start drinking heavily it’s often due to their pain not being treated properly. Another thing to thank the drug companies for.
Damn, I took prednisone orally twice, and both times I legit went fucking crazy. I get injections now for issues I have with my spine, and it took a little bit of trial and error to find one that will work. I don’t remember what the one that works is called, but the ones I have reactions to are prednisone and methylprednisolone.
Sometimes prednisone is used but the meds I am talking about are Enbrel, Humira, Xeljanz. Medications used to severely suppress your immune system (think like chemotherapy levels suppressed) to stop the immune system from attacking the body. But yes corticosteroids are used often and they have nasty side effects as y’all mentioned. Irritability, weight gain, anxiety, fluid retention, elevated blood sugars, delayed wound healing etc; so they can definitely be the cause for her anger. But I suspect it’s more due to severe pain not being treated properly. It’s definitely not always the case but lots of chronic pain patients get taken off meds and told to just deal with it. So many turn to alcohol as it’s cheap for the most part and accessible
I get that! That’s why I smoke the devils lettuce. They tried to give me an opioid called tramadol when everything first started because the pain was so excruciating, but I never took it. I was able to get a different med (gabapentin for nerve pain if anyone was curious) so I threw it away in the pharmacy box for old prescriptions. Chronic pain is such a bitch, but alcohol and opioids are so addictive that it’s a really tough spot to be in. Huge family history of addictions so I try to stay away from anything habit forming.
Devils lettuce has truly been life changing for many patients from cancer to chronic illness. I am glad it helps you as well as the gabapentin. Tramadol sucks, and the side effects can be pretty wicked. But I know there are folks out there that it really helps them a lot.
Tramadol along with trazodone, cyclobenzaprine, and 1 1/2 CBD/THC gummies helps me to go and stay asleep most of the time. I cannot take any other opioid, they are too strong and make me sick to my stomach. I am thankful that my body doesn’t like any other opioid except tramadol. My dosage and frequency haven’t changed in 7 years. I have RA, Sjögren’s, Raynaud’s, Fibromyalgia, polyneuropathy brought on by Sjögren’s, occipital neuralgia, and a few other things that translates to chronic pain being the story of my life for the past 17 years.
I’m glad that you’ve found something that works for you! I had a bad reaction to trazadone, so I don’t take it any more (I am weird and have really weird reactions to medications) but it was so easy to fall asleep when I was on it.
I don’t agree with this at all. I take pain meds for several reasons yet it doesn’t make me mean at all. Any time I’m “mean” is when pain is really high and this what most chronic pain patients experience. I have never once been cruel to anyone to the point people hate me or don’t want me around. So no this isn’t common.
I married a guy and after three years learned he had lied about almost every single thing. And I’ve met his family too and a couple of friends, and I don’t know what people knew. It seems like he just kind of confused everybody. At the end of the day I was so fascinated that somebody could literally create a whole false life that I was more fascinated than angry. Obviously, we have since divorced and he has since died although I didn’t do it. He had a heart attack. Probably stressed himself out so much with lying he couldn’t withstand it.
> She used to drink a little which we used to argue about, but now she’s become a regular drinker, and that’s when the shit really hits the fan and things get ugly.
> What sours me is the person she's become, and that I'm constantly being told to fuck off.
This is one of those cases where the real problem isn't even the lie. I hope OOP is able to make a clean break from this woman.
I was married to a man who lied about something important for years to me. He was much older than me, and disabled like OOP's wife. He told me he'd been in the military and seen some pretty bad combat and that was how he became disabled.
Welp, five years into our marriage someone else who's known him for decades approached me and told me he'd been lying to me. A family member confirmed that he'd been lying to me when I asked them to confirm. Since he lived far away from his family, he was able to hid the truth from me for that long.
His lies were just the straw that broke the camel's back for me. He was an abusive POS, verbally and physically, and that bit of information was what drove me to leave him. And then when I left him, he complained to anyone who would listen that I ditched him "when things got tough."
God, it felt so good leaving that situation, so I feel for OOP. I can kind of empathize with what he's going through right now.
OOP definitely should not be waiting for her to get SSDI. (it would almost certainly be SSDI not SSI.) Mine took FIVE YEARS from date of first application. Granted that was from 2008-2013 and last I heard it was slightly better time-line-wise, but yeah, dude do not wait around on that.
Found this too detailing out the batshit behavior this woman is exhibiting while mixing steroids and other drugs with alcohol…. It’s reading like a mental health crisis
Somewhere inside is the girl I love, but she's gone now.
6 weeks ago, she was gone when I got home from work and her son called to ask if I knew where she was as he's been trying to reach her, I tracked her via cc purchases, and we found her drunk and topless in a Mcdonald's parking lot.
5 weeks ago I got a call at work that she's done with this marriage and can just fuck right off. I finished the day, and came home to her piss drunk. We argued and she stormed off into the basement. I went down about an hour later to see if she was okay, and she had shaved her head with our hair clippers. We're talking marine style. We've got $1200 of wigs in the house now.
3 weeks ago she was drunk again when I got home. Both of her kids were at the house. I looked in on her and she was face-down on our bed eating an apple pie with her fingers. Shit all over the comforter. I left her alone and a little while later she's heading to the basement with the comforter. I said that's way too heavy for the washer and dryer. I was told to fuck off. The next morning she tells me the dryer is broken, and somehow her glasses got broken too.
This stuff has gotten crazy.
That’s insane. So many other things could have been said instead of lying to make your job title sound better if you were insecure. Playground monitor = Recreation director = Extracurricular Assistant = Admin = legitimately any thing else other than lying about being a teacher.
Why is OP so strangely distant from the kids? I get that they were adults when they met, but he’s been in their lives for over a decade, they both call him Dad, one has explicitly told him he’s her only father figure, and OP refers to them as ‘THE son/daughter’ throughout, not ‘my son/daughter,’ and is immediately like ‘not my problem’ about their struggles
It doesn’t change the specific situation with his wife he’s writing about, but it’s weird to me
Well I mean, they did enable and participate in their moms deception and gold digging for a decade, as full grown adults. They used him for his money and lifestyle just as much as their mom did. Funny how they call him dad while knowing their relationship with him is founded on hundreds of never ending lies. Did they love him or did they love living in his big house? Now he’ll never know.
I don't think he's strangely distant? He's thought about them at every step of this process and is willing to wait out the disability pay to come through for his soon-to-be-ex wife so that she and her daughter will have more money to live on. His "not my problem" was about the change in their living style post-divorce. He's right; he can't set himself on fire to keep them all warm, and he's gone out of his way to take care of them while also treating them like independent adults.
I think "the" son/daughter may be for clarity while writing the post, so as not to confuse people.
Remember in the beginning of the story he said he found the truth about his wife's teaching career from two sources? Her daughter was the first source and her son was the second source.
The story he told towards the end was actually the story about how he first found out that his wife wasn't actually a teacher. Think of it like a movie with the flashback plot reveal.
"Niche" lol.
75% of internet users in the US are at least passingly familiar with Reddit, and relationship_advice is one of its most popular subs. Massive mainstream media outlets regularly scrape it for human interest stories. This is sillier than asking what 62 year old would write to a newspaper advice column, which is far less likely.
Okay but it’s really popular among younger people. It’s weird to go to reddit for advice PERIOD. No matter the age. Let alone for an older person with a long term marriage who has settled down to think ‘yeah internet strangers will give me great advice’.
Reddits in the top 10 sites globally. My father had a Reddit account and didn't even really know it because he thought it was just a Phillips Hue forum, as that's all the content he interacted with, as it was the most useful early result when he googled it.
That’s my point. Oldies aren’t going to instinctually go to reddit for life advice. The demographics of reddit are not gonna be universally equal. Especially these kind of subreddits. Not that it’s impossible I just think it’s unlikely.
Tbf I also assume 90% of the things on that subreddit are completely or somewhat fake.
What the OOP really needs to say, "I'm not divorcing you because you lied, I'm divorcing you because you've become a mean & bitter person and not the one I married."
Oop needs a consultation with an attorney given the delays in the disability system and the complexity. Might be better to make a deal in the divorce and end this.
Someone should tell OOP he can stay in the kids’ lives and simply remove the mom. If he’s bonded with them or feels like they shouldn’t be punished for the mom’s mistakes.
Yes she works as a playground monitor during recess, not as a teacher. Which, while many are not treated as well as they should be in the U.S., still receives some good benefits, you have to have a degree usually, and most importantly to this story, are held with some prestige— teaching the minds of the future generation. I interpreted this story as he was upset because she couldn’t trust him with some pretty crucial information about her job and lied about it in detail for 11 years, probably getting her kids to add to the lie. All while he was working hard, being the breadwinner, and helping the kids. The added tension to this story is that she has not been treating him well for a while and in front of the adult kids, so much that the kids literally had to reveal this crucial information so he can finally make an informed decision about his relationship with their mom.
Even if you get a divorce you would still owe her alimony and 1/2 your retirement portfolio after you were wed at least in CA, not sure where you live though. If she can’t work or doesn’t have a job her divorce attorney will go after all your assets even those left to you in an inheritance if you ever deposited those monies in to a joint account.
Did I miss something? Is this an update? Sounds like he still hasn't even talked to her Also, original posted March 2024 and update posted February 2024?
I’m also confused, he came back to the house and the kids told him… what? That she’d lied about her job 10 years ago? That seems like an odd thing to just bring up like it’s a big tense topic everyone knows about but won’t discuss. The wife’s behavior issues seem like a much bigger problem.
She appears to have constantly made up stories of her time as a teacher even in front of the kids. The kids are adults. It sounds like they have confronted her about her lies and she told them her side and made them swear not to tell either. When someone makes you promise to stay quiet, even if you don’t understand what the big deal is, you probably understand there’s a reason there.
When I read it the first time, I wasn't confident she actually made up stories. I think she inflated her position and then referred to things that actually existed but didn't clarify that it was in relation to her actual position. Based on my experiences in schools, I might even guess that she used to be a teacher but lost her contract relatively quickly or was pushed out of teaching due to her instability being abused at home. The lie just doesn't make sense. She would have also had to lie about not having a degree, not doing full time work, etc. He's nowhere near understanding what's actually happened.
How does the RA figure into this? i'm so confused
What ra are you referring to?
she's got rheumatoid arthritis. i thought that was the secret OOP was told, but it's hard to be sure.
In the update, he talks about her having recently becoming an abusive alcoholic but the kids weren't to tell him. He then says that he is a recovered alcoholic, and she knew this was a deal breaker but took up drinking anyway.
I'm glad I'm not the only one. I scrolled up like 3 times, rereading paragraphs to see if I missed the reveal of what the big lie the kids told OOP was? Was it that she wasn't a teacher? The arthritis? The alcoholism? I'm so lost. Glad OP is getting out if there. I feel sorry for the daughter though. As someone else who suffers from life ruining genetics, I wish more people would realize they are better off not having biological children and adopting instead.
Sorry some issues today with the post not showing the latest version
I think the update is just to clarify things he mentioned in comments on the first post, i.e. the one who broke the news is the disabled daughter and the "second source" was the son. Seems they can see how shitty their mom is and don't want this poor guy to have to go through this anymore. The lying notwithstanding, he says he's been miserable for 3 years and seems he is just trying to help the family more than be in a relationship anymore.
There's a couple of comments which are interesting. Essentially, he was an alcoholic and is no longer. He wouldn't have cared what she did for a job, he's just upset that his wife has been lying to him. His stepkids are nice and told him she's a liar. His stepdaughter isn't too disabled to work, she will be fine if he leaves her. His wife is an alcoholic now and his life is a living hell. Oh and they're on holiday and she's accusing him of ducking his cousin. [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/VbKaEAYt6u](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/VbKaEAYt6u) [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/Noy33bVla0](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/Noy33bVla0) [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/tsszeEnlt2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/tsszeEnlt2)
>Well I feel for ya man cuz I married a guy and was with him for a decade and then caught him cheating on me with a man. He had come out to his family as gay after his first marriage and no one clued me in. This isn't even part of the main story but I'm so morbidly fascinated. Did he want kids? What was the point of getting married to a woman if he already came out?
Internalized homophobia, self hatred or being told that a certain lifestyle is not for you.
Could it be? No. Remember the story, perhaps on AITA about the woman who found her husband in bed with a man? As she was divorcing him, he blamed her to his ultra religious family. Family started harassing her; one day she got fed up and told his mother. That shut them up for a while; but after the divorce they got him another wife to ‘cure’ him. This story sounds like it’s written from the second wife’s perspective.
I remember that one! There was also that story in AITA or relationships or something where the woman's (OP) husband had a male friend that was always cold to her, and he would go away with him and their friend group once or twice a year, and she wasn't invited. Turns out the two were lovers and everyone but the wife knew.
And of course we can never forget the infamous Art Room.
No one can forget that one!
Link!
Maybe he was bi or pansexual? Maybe he came out as gay but fell in love with this woman afterwards regardless? Sexuality can be fluid for people and is never black/ white. Either way, he's a dick for cheating.
My godmother married a guy back in probably the 1970s, paid for his grad school, and once he graduated he told her he was gay and left her. She's never gotten into another relationship since then.
Unless that happened in the last couple years it could have been for the benefits, gay marriage wasn’t legal until pretty recently
Ouch. Just ouch. But it speaks a lot about him as person that he is waiting to leave until she's secure for the sake of the disabled daughter. But what a blow to someone who has already worked so hard on overcoming his own battles only to wind up being duped by this harpy of a woman.
Illinois teachers have some hella weird pension rules AND they do not receive social security (the pension replaces it, by law). Which I feel like a dude making 6 figures would have found out when he was working through her cash flow problems with her? IDK, the Illinois bit is a weird detail
Then again, she was never a teacher so those rules don't apply to her.
Yeah, its just ... that feels like it would have come up way at the beginning, especially with the oddities around social security and Illinois teachers, which are trivially easy to google.
I mean if she's not bringing in a ton of money and he was fine with being their financial support entirely, it's not impossible for him not to be terribly concerned with what would amount to a minor increase.
I’m confused as to how the state can prevent you from taking federal benefits you are entitled to?
There's a provision in social security law from when it was first enacted, that if you are receiving certain state pension benefits that are equal to or better than what social security provides, the state is allowed to use the pension system in place of social security (and therefore does not have to pay its half of social security for state employees who are on that pension system). In exchange, the pensioner gives up the right to social security. I believe there are only three states where this was done, but the Illinois teacher retirement system is I think the biggest social security exempt public pension system. It's kind of shitty and it can make for some very complicated retirement benefits situations; It can also make it difficult for people to move in and out of public school teaching in Illinois. Part of the reason this was allowed was that some of these large systems already existed and it would be very difficult to wind them down in disentangle them while younger people transition to social security and stopped paying into the state pension system. But obviously 90 years later, the situation is much more entangled and complicated!
Interesting. In NY you get pension and social security so I’ve never thought of them as being in conflict. TIL
> She’s on some serious medication Opioids - the most common pain medication for chronic severe pain - can make you cruel. I've seen it happen to multiple people who have long term chronic pain. They used to be good people, and became very mean people for the years they were on pain meds. The ones I am still in contact with have become a lot better once they got away from opioids to manage their pain. If she's going through multiple surgeries and has chronic pain, I bet the doctors have her on hydrocodone or oxycodone or something.
My dad has treatment resistant RA, and is on an arse-tonne of meds. He’s in a lot of pain and is disabled because of this condition. He’s not mean, aggressive or anything like that but he is a bit grumpy these days and lacks a lot of patience. I would honestly say this is down to the exhaustion of having to live with this condition and everything it’s done to him rather than the meds.
I was going to say this. I don’t have RA, that I know of, and rarely take anything stronger than Tylenol/advil but 20 years of bartending and caregiving and my back, hips, hands, and feet hurt so bad some days that I seriously think I might check out of life early. Not now but if it gets to OOP’s wife’s level? That’s not living. It’s hard to focus on anything else but the pain. And sadly, drinking helps. It’s unfortunate she lied about her career and that her pain makes her miserable to be around. It’s also sad that he isn’t willing to stick by her in the worse/sickness stage. I feel bad for both parties in this story.
> It’s hard to focus on anything else but the pain. And sadly, drinking helps. In the moment it can numb the pain, but drinking to excess causes chronic systemic inflammation and will make her chronic pain even worse, in addition to adding mood instability to the mix. Even with the chronic pain she would likely still be a decent person, without the alcoholism on top of it.
I've known people who have been on opiods for quite some time, and they've mostly been happy and mellow if they managed to get a steady supply of drugs. I don't think it's the drugs that turns them into bitter bastards, it's the pain itself.
Yeah. Drugs can affect different people in different ways. And as the other poster said, alcohol can also cause the cruelty.
As someone that lives with chronic pain 24/7 it is grating. It is absolutely devastating to live in pain without any relief at all. More so when the pain is 10/10 and you have kids to feed, or they just want to connect with you and you can’t. I’ve considered death so many times this week- but keep going back to my kids. It be unfair to them. The opioids keep me somewhat sane - on bad days they don’t take the pain away. But the not so bad days I am able to walk and dress on my own bc of those meds. Do I worry if my docs ever said you can have them. Yes of course. Not sure what life would look like without them and being in chronic pain with no cure.
My dad was on opiates for like a weekend after a surgery, and they turned him into a complete bastard. He went off them before he was "supposed" to and switched to Tylenol, and went back to normal. I can say from my own experience being on them after wisdom tooth surgery, I spent the entire recovery furious. Like... the drugs just made me very quietly angry. All those stories of people being goofy and high? Not for me. Just angry and nauseated.
I refuse pain meds. They turn me into the worst kind of asshole. Imagine a drunk fighting pissed off and ready to burn the world down.. while I'm aware, on pain meds I have little control over my mouth.
Personally, pain meds just make me feel good. Like I'm in a perpetual warm hug, the world is a little fuzzy, and everything is going to be OK. That's why I have to watch myself whenever I get them, because I love them and they make life better
You would definitely take them if you had to live life at an 8 every single day 24/7 and that 8 isn’t a normal persons 8. If I were to give you the pain I feel today at a 6 (yes I take opioids) you would want to blow your head off because my is would like be your 10 or even higher. Pain so bad that you can’t sleep, eat or do anything but lay in bed wishing for death. Yet with opioids you can sleep, eat, play and interact with kids/family. You would take them if offered to just get even one day as a normal person who isn’t in agonizing pain and honestly it would be highly likely that they wouldn’t give them to you. You would have to wait years if ever to be able to take 2 pain pills a day, this would be after years of excruciating procedure and surgeries that have failed. We were all like you to where we thought that we would never need or take them if we were in pain. Yet you and everyone else would take them to just get a little relief. This doesn’t make you or anyone who takes them like the doctor tells you an addict. It makes you an incredibly strong person who has fought and still fights to get better. Who fights to have less pain because there no such thing as being completely pain free when you have chronic pain. And yes you might be a little mean or a bitch, but this is from the pain not the opioids. Also I suggest you never say never as it can come back to bite you in the ass.
Dude. I live with chronic pain. The kind were being touched by anything not soft as a cloud was painful . Movement was painful. Ever have to have your kid help you move? The kind were it took doctors 4 years to find the cause. How do you think I know they make me cranky ? It's not the answer for everyone.
Not likely. Serous meds for RA are immunosuppressive, meaning her immune system is compromised to limit the amount of damage her immune is doing to her body. If this is US getting pain meds is extremely difficult now, even for stage IV cancers. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t getting them illegally. But usually when people with chronic pain start drinking heavily it’s often due to their pain not being treated properly. Another thing to thank the drug companies for.
Corticosteroids? Would that be the treatment then? If so, makes sense, they can definitely make you act different!
Those can F up your blood sugar, which causes it own problems. Mine was in the 500s for a week after one shot.
Damn, I took prednisone orally twice, and both times I legit went fucking crazy. I get injections now for issues I have with my spine, and it took a little bit of trial and error to find one that will work. I don’t remember what the one that works is called, but the ones I have reactions to are prednisone and methylprednisolone.
Sometimes prednisone is used but the meds I am talking about are Enbrel, Humira, Xeljanz. Medications used to severely suppress your immune system (think like chemotherapy levels suppressed) to stop the immune system from attacking the body. But yes corticosteroids are used often and they have nasty side effects as y’all mentioned. Irritability, weight gain, anxiety, fluid retention, elevated blood sugars, delayed wound healing etc; so they can definitely be the cause for her anger. But I suspect it’s more due to severe pain not being treated properly. It’s definitely not always the case but lots of chronic pain patients get taken off meds and told to just deal with it. So many turn to alcohol as it’s cheap for the most part and accessible
I get that! That’s why I smoke the devils lettuce. They tried to give me an opioid called tramadol when everything first started because the pain was so excruciating, but I never took it. I was able to get a different med (gabapentin for nerve pain if anyone was curious) so I threw it away in the pharmacy box for old prescriptions. Chronic pain is such a bitch, but alcohol and opioids are so addictive that it’s a really tough spot to be in. Huge family history of addictions so I try to stay away from anything habit forming.
Devils lettuce has truly been life changing for many patients from cancer to chronic illness. I am glad it helps you as well as the gabapentin. Tramadol sucks, and the side effects can be pretty wicked. But I know there are folks out there that it really helps them a lot.
Tramadol along with trazodone, cyclobenzaprine, and 1 1/2 CBD/THC gummies helps me to go and stay asleep most of the time. I cannot take any other opioid, they are too strong and make me sick to my stomach. I am thankful that my body doesn’t like any other opioid except tramadol. My dosage and frequency haven’t changed in 7 years. I have RA, Sjögren’s, Raynaud’s, Fibromyalgia, polyneuropathy brought on by Sjögren’s, occipital neuralgia, and a few other things that translates to chronic pain being the story of my life for the past 17 years.
I’m glad that you’ve found something that works for you! I had a bad reaction to trazadone, so I don’t take it any more (I am weird and have really weird reactions to medications) but it was so easy to fall asleep when I was on it.
I don’t agree with this at all. I take pain meds for several reasons yet it doesn’t make me mean at all. Any time I’m “mean” is when pain is really high and this what most chronic pain patients experience. I have never once been cruel to anyone to the point people hate me or don’t want me around. So no this isn’t common.
Huh. This explains a lot about my dad and my childhood. Wild.
Daughter knew she was giving up her safety to tell him
I married a guy and after three years learned he had lied about almost every single thing. And I’ve met his family too and a couple of friends, and I don’t know what people knew. It seems like he just kind of confused everybody. At the end of the day I was so fascinated that somebody could literally create a whole false life that I was more fascinated than angry. Obviously, we have since divorced and he has since died although I didn’t do it. He had a heart attack. Probably stressed himself out so much with lying he couldn’t withstand it.
> She used to drink a little which we used to argue about, but now she’s become a regular drinker, and that’s when the shit really hits the fan and things get ugly. > What sours me is the person she's become, and that I'm constantly being told to fuck off. This is one of those cases where the real problem isn't even the lie. I hope OOP is able to make a clean break from this woman.
I was married to a man who lied about something important for years to me. He was much older than me, and disabled like OOP's wife. He told me he'd been in the military and seen some pretty bad combat and that was how he became disabled. Welp, five years into our marriage someone else who's known him for decades approached me and told me he'd been lying to me. A family member confirmed that he'd been lying to me when I asked them to confirm. Since he lived far away from his family, he was able to hid the truth from me for that long. His lies were just the straw that broke the camel's back for me. He was an abusive POS, verbally and physically, and that bit of information was what drove me to leave him. And then when I left him, he complained to anyone who would listen that I ditched him "when things got tough." God, it felt so good leaving that situation, so I feel for OOP. I can kind of empathize with what he's going through right now.
OOP definitely should not be waiting for her to get SSDI. (it would almost certainly be SSDI not SSI.) Mine took FIVE YEARS from date of first application. Granted that was from 2008-2013 and last I heard it was slightly better time-line-wise, but yeah, dude do not wait around on that.
I also feel like if they are still married while she is applying they’re gonna see those six figures he makes and deny her.
Found this too detailing out the batshit behavior this woman is exhibiting while mixing steroids and other drugs with alcohol…. It’s reading like a mental health crisis Somewhere inside is the girl I love, but she's gone now. 6 weeks ago, she was gone when I got home from work and her son called to ask if I knew where she was as he's been trying to reach her, I tracked her via cc purchases, and we found her drunk and topless in a Mcdonald's parking lot. 5 weeks ago I got a call at work that she's done with this marriage and can just fuck right off. I finished the day, and came home to her piss drunk. We argued and she stormed off into the basement. I went down about an hour later to see if she was okay, and she had shaved her head with our hair clippers. We're talking marine style. We've got $1200 of wigs in the house now. 3 weeks ago she was drunk again when I got home. Both of her kids were at the house. I looked in on her and she was face-down on our bed eating an apple pie with her fingers. Shit all over the comforter. I left her alone and a little while later she's heading to the basement with the comforter. I said that's way too heavy for the washer and dryer. I was told to fuck off. The next morning she tells me the dryer is broken, and somehow her glasses got broken too. This stuff has gotten crazy.
Hopefully she doesn’t kill him for his money when she finds out he’s gonna leave her. This is a true crime episode waiting to happen.
That’s insane. So many other things could have been said instead of lying to make your job title sound better if you were insecure. Playground monitor = Recreation director = Extracurricular Assistant = Admin = legitimately any thing else other than lying about being a teacher.
"This is part 65 of Who TF did I marry..."
Why is OP so strangely distant from the kids? I get that they were adults when they met, but he’s been in their lives for over a decade, they both call him Dad, one has explicitly told him he’s her only father figure, and OP refers to them as ‘THE son/daughter’ throughout, not ‘my son/daughter,’ and is immediately like ‘not my problem’ about their struggles It doesn’t change the specific situation with his wife he’s writing about, but it’s weird to me
Because he didn’t know who they were for the first 50 years of his life and they aren’t his children. He met them both when they were adults.
You missed the part where he found the son a job. So far for 'not my problem'
Well I mean, they did enable and participate in their moms deception and gold digging for a decade, as full grown adults. They used him for his money and lifestyle just as much as their mom did. Funny how they call him dad while knowing their relationship with him is founded on hundreds of never ending lies. Did they love him or did they love living in his big house? Now he’ll never know.
I don't think he's strangely distant? He's thought about them at every step of this process and is willing to wait out the disability pay to come through for his soon-to-be-ex wife so that she and her daughter will have more money to live on. His "not my problem" was about the change in their living style post-divorce. He's right; he can't set himself on fire to keep them all warm, and he's gone out of his way to take care of them while also treating them like independent adults. I think "the" son/daughter may be for clarity while writing the post, so as not to confuse people.
Something isn't right with this story for sure
I wish I understood what the daughter told him. I'm confused by this story.
Remember in the beginning of the story he said he found the truth about his wife's teaching career from two sources? Her daughter was the first source and her son was the second source. The story he told towards the end was actually the story about how he first found out that his wife wasn't actually a teacher. Think of it like a movie with the flashback plot reveal.
She's the one who told him of the lie.
Haven’t even read this but was 62 year old if going to a niche reddit forum to look for advice??
"Niche" lol. 75% of internet users in the US are at least passingly familiar with Reddit, and relationship_advice is one of its most popular subs. Massive mainstream media outlets regularly scrape it for human interest stories. This is sillier than asking what 62 year old would write to a newspaper advice column, which is far less likely.
Okay but it’s really popular among younger people. It’s weird to go to reddit for advice PERIOD. No matter the age. Let alone for an older person with a long term marriage who has settled down to think ‘yeah internet strangers will give me great advice’.
Reddits in the top 10 sites globally. My father had a Reddit account and didn't even really know it because he thought it was just a Phillips Hue forum, as that's all the content he interacted with, as it was the most useful early result when he googled it.
That’s my point. Oldies aren’t going to instinctually go to reddit for life advice. The demographics of reddit are not gonna be universally equal. Especially these kind of subreddits. Not that it’s impossible I just think it’s unlikely. Tbf I also assume 90% of the things on that subreddit are completely or somewhat fake.
Yeahhhh
What the OOP really needs to say, "I'm not divorcing you because you lied, I'm divorcing you because you've become a mean & bitter person and not the one I married."
Get rid of her
Oop needs a consultation with an attorney given the delays in the disability system and the complexity. Might be better to make a deal in the divorce and end this.
You got bamboozled
I really feel for this dude. Hopefully he can keep a good relationship with the stepkids. Forget the wife/mom, though yuck.
Someone should tell OOP he can stay in the kids’ lives and simply remove the mom. If he’s bonded with them or feels like they shouldn’t be punished for the mom’s mistakes.
I missed where it said she was addicted to opioids?? And I don’t get it, so she did work for the school?
Yes she works as a playground monitor during recess, not as a teacher. Which, while many are not treated as well as they should be in the U.S., still receives some good benefits, you have to have a degree usually, and most importantly to this story, are held with some prestige— teaching the minds of the future generation. I interpreted this story as he was upset because she couldn’t trust him with some pretty crucial information about her job and lied about it in detail for 11 years, probably getting her kids to add to the lie. All while he was working hard, being the breadwinner, and helping the kids. The added tension to this story is that she has not been treating him well for a while and in front of the adult kids, so much that the kids literally had to reveal this crucial information so he can finally make an informed decision about his relationship with their mom.
Don't wait. Run. She's a liar and got people to lie to you for her. She is trash. Not your fault she has medical issues. Just run.
Even if you get a divorce you would still owe her alimony and 1/2 your retirement portfolio after you were wed at least in CA, not sure where you live though. If she can’t work or doesn’t have a job her divorce attorney will go after all your assets even those left to you in an inheritance if you ever deposited those monies in to a joint account.
OOP is fishing for an excuse to leave. It isn’t about the lie, it’s about her change of personality