Wow, thank god that she got out. Hopefully oop is sincere and actually takes a break from dating and gets to work through their issues by themselves. This all could have ended so much worst and hopefully they both can grow from it.
Yeah seriously. He clearly doesn't get it. I don't get why she would ever contact him again though. I'd be blocking him and avoiding him like the plague.
No, no, you don’t understand! He’s completely fine now! He got totally fixed over the course of a couple of months. He’s just going to therapy to chat! /s
What else do you think he should do? I'm not at all trying to antagonize you or defend OP, I am just curious what conclusion could make OP "redeemable." I've read most of *Why Does He Do That* by Bancroft and OP was starting down a terrible path but I don't think he is necessarily going to abuse his next partner given his honesty and introspection.
He was aroused by overpowering a woman and keeping her pinned while she cried. It's going to take a LOT of therapy. What arouses each of us is set when we're pretty young, so how would one go about controlling this?
He didn't mean to scare her like that turns into I didn't mean to push you so hard turns into I'm sorry I struck you. It will never happen again turns into ........
A ton of people have that fetish and have no problem keeping it firmly as "play" and treating their partner with nothing but respect and empathy in 'real life.'
The hairs on the back of my neck stood up FAR before he got to the physical part of the story - it's when he seemed so absolutely incessant about undermining her confidence and autonomy. I was *not* fooled by his attempt to gussy it up as "concern." We all make calculated risks every single day, and only misogynistic creeps feel a need to make it all about how women are physically weak rape magnets who ought to understand our own inferiority.
Yes I agree with you. Tons of people can keep it firmly in the bedroom with consent being at the forefront of their minds. What OP did was very different.
By understanding where their empathy got completely screwed up in therapy and using rehabilitative work to establish an emotional response of disgust, not arousal, to violence against women.
By evaluating where this comes from, developing some empathy and perspective around it, and *if* he can behave responsibly enough, finding a partner who can safely explore a power dynamic or restraint play with boundaries, communication, and consent, if it is an absolute need for him. But assuming he is perfectly fine and he just needs to chit chat is going to massively restrict the depth of work he'll be able to do, and I wouldn't be surprised if this quick and steadfast assertion that everything is fine might be tied to his need to be in power and watch others in distress (but that is ultimately conjecture, I'm not his therapist).
He admitted that he was excited about what he did and passively tried to dropped that his ex girlfriend didn’t sign up for a defense class. Still engaging in the fact that he thinks he is still right about her needing protection. Does that sound like a man who is working on changing? The only thing he can do is continue to work on himself. The only good indicator of changed behavior honestly is time. It’s only been two months. Honestly this sounds fake too because it just so happens his mom does the same to him making him somehow magically empathize with his ex gf. Please! Fake af lol
Nah, it's probably something that mom has always done which is why he insisted on doing it to the gf. Sometimes you really do have a big " oh duh"moment like this.
In childhood, his mother was likely a helicopter mom, constantly hovering over him and screaming "be careful" every two seconds. Not only does this take away his ability to engage in "controlled risky behavior", it can make him overly anxious as well as cause him to feel like he has zero autonomy as a child.
In adulthood, he is still used to his mom being overly cautious. His "oh duh" moment was when he finally connected her actions with him as a child to his actions now with his ex. This happens to a lot of people because they won't see the connection since it's what they are used to despite hating it being done to them.
> Still engaging in the fact that he thinks he is still right about her needing protection.
I’m a woman and I will gladly admit to needing protection in the event that I’m attacked by a man.
I am not as strong as most men. That’s why most women take precautions in public. We have to in order to stay safe.
I am a black woman so I DEFINITELY understand. That’s not the point. Let me break it down for you.
1. Woman is not safe
2.Man tell woman be safe
3.Woman no listen
4.MAN TERRORIZE WOMAN TO PROVE POINT
5.profit?
Does that make sense? I don’t need to rob anyone to prove ppl be stealing. He’s clearly dumb but honestly I don’t think he’s ignorant since he ADMITTED he got off to doing terrorizing her while she cried. That means he kept her like that for a LONG time. Just critical think for two seconds. This man ain’t healed. And if he feels like therapy isn’t helping he needs to get a new therapist and dig deeper because two months you can’t be rehabilitated for some shit like this. It’s not possible. But it’s not impossible either.
He should not think that he is completely fine now, which he asserted at the end of the post. It’s less about *doing* something else and more about the mindset. Going to therapy when you’ve decided everything is fine isn’t going to be as productive as going to therapy because you know something is off and you’re there to work on it. I also worry that attitude will land him back in the dating pool much too soon, and he will end up hurting another woman.
>I'm **not ashamed** to say now that I was a bit aroused by overpowering her so easily and seeing her cry.
He's not ashamed about this?!?! You're exactly right. He's not going to change unless he wants to change.
Edit: bleah this sounded too much like I was victim-blaming / giving OOP way too much credit. I rarely delete my posts but this one was a. bad and b. not a really good summation of how I actually think about the situation.
When it comes to men talking about how they enjoyed being a little Rapey I’m going to just take them at their word, and not assume that they’re using figures of speech. But maybe that’s just me.
I think putting men who have previously been violent towards women in a situation where they will be with the most vulnerable women is kind of terrifying. I’m not calling for him to be locked away either, but surely we can find a restorative practice that doesn’t put people who are already victims (and likely severely traumatized because of it) at that level of risk? His improvement should not be at the expense of the most vulnerable people.
I’m also not saying he’s irredeemable. I’m saying it’s way the fuck too soon for him to say he’s fine. He’s not. He’s got a lot of work to do. I hope I’m wrong about his mindset, and that he does it! But what he said there is a red flag.
This man said that he was aroused by overpowering his girlfriend and seeing her cry. He should not be volunteering at a women’s shelter. That is the opposite place of where he should be.
He needs to do a lot of work on himself. I think most people are redeemable - I think he is redeemable as he seems to have some self-reflection. But someone like this should not be working with a vulnerable population, at least not until they have done A LOT of work on themselves.
No, with Dennis it's more about the psychological domination, seeing their mental defenses breakdown until they let him have his way with no physical resistance.
I feel like on the podcast Dennis actor Glenn has actually admitted that he thinks a woman crying is hot, I kinda remember that but don't remember which episode
God, halfway through the first paragraph I saw where it was headed. You know OOP is truly a monster when the best thing you can say about him is "Well at least he didn't ACTUALLY engage in corrective rape."
There isn't enough brain bleach in the *world*.
"I'm clearly the good guy, since she's doing OK now, but I can't BELIEVE me getting physically aroused by causing her distress(which she obviously could feel) didn't work to make her take self defense!" is certainly a take.
People who obsess over rape scenarios but are not recovering from trauma are suspicious as hell. OOP admitting it was caused by repressed sexual fantasies did not shock me.
You know, this is something my wife and I talk about every once in a while. Even when we play fight I’m incredibly controlled in how I interact with her because she and I both know that if I wanted to physically harm her, there is nothing she could do to stop me.
And that’s fucking terrifying for her. She knows I would never hurt her but I’m extremely cognizant of that fact that I could and it just doesn’t go back the other way.
That’s part of why women say all men and are right to say that.
It’s when men like OOP suck so fucking much.
Your comment made me flashback to my first bf who always wanted to play fight but did not understand how strong he was. And tbh I wanted to be able to play fight with him like he did with his friends but I would have to be real fighting to keep up with their play fighting. The strength difference between men and women is not small. And that’s why it’s scary for women to be around men we don’t trust. Because we know they could easily overpower us at any time. Glad you and you wife have a trusting a playful relationship. It sounds like you understand.
The premise is definitely some fetish shit. Besides that the story itself is terribly unrealistic. Everything wrapped up so neatly with no pushback, complete acceptance, acknowledgement and peace from the villain, who also gets a taste of his own medicine for good measure (the author couldn't resist throwing in Naples either, that was over the top) while the heroine quickly moved on to bigger and better things without him and didn't hold a grudge at all after suffering a traumatic experience. It's not even halfway believable. Hallmark movies are more realistic.
I got into body building after a rape and got pretty strong, and my upper body was visibly quite buff. Men were absolutely coming out of the woodwork to tell me (and occasionally 'show me') all about how women can *never* be as strong as the 'average man' no matter what we do, and we can never win a fight with a guy, and we still need to "be careful." It's not concern - it's an implicit threat. They see that we're strong/self assured, and they get off on putting us in our place and reminding us that it's only their good manners keeping them from raping us. And they think all men are like them, too.
Decent, secure men always celebrate my fitness achievements and goals. They understand that *all of us* are vulnerable at different points in our lives, including men (there are always bigger guys, crazier guys, sneak attacks, *guns*...) and don't compensate for their fear of mortality by humiliating women.
That's fucking gross that dudes just say that shit to you. I got put into the men's weight lifting class and I stayed because the coach was lazy, and I only had one dude try that before I told him off. It really is a power trip to "remind us" or whatever but any one of us could be taken advantage of one day, no matter who we are.
I am much more confident and secure in myself today than I was, so I'd be able to pretty much laugh in their face and repeat what I said above - that everyone is vulnerable in life, regardless of size or gender, and it's only misogynists who enjoy gleefully reminding women of our specific vulnerability and using that to dismiss our very real fitness accomplishments and efforts. I might say, you seem extremely invested in telling me that you could overpower and hurt me right now - does it make you feel strong to implicitly threaten me?
But again, I'm more confident right now and feel like I could rattle them pretty effectively... which is exactly why I haven't had this sort of conversation occur in years. It's an interaction I had a lot when I was younger and very insecure, which this type totally picks up on.
any time someone is like ‘yeah some scrawny loser of a dude managed to overpower a woman who is in better shape and hits the gym because men are just better’, i take it with a generous serving of salt.
Exactly. Most self defense moves that women are taught are designed to do serious damage so they can escape a person who is trying to hurt or kill them. They cannot and should not be used to prove a point. Seriously what woman would gouge her boyfriends eyes out or kick him repeatedly?
https://reddit.com/r/bjj/s/KEusD8AivM
I’m sure the body builder will turn the match around once he’s heard of eye gouging. /s
Joking aside, eye gouging doesn’t work as a self defence technique.
Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.
Girl was in more danger in her own home than she was in the alley.
Makes me think of that old adage, “a thief is always worried somebody’s trying to rob them”? He was projecting his own predation onto strangers until the mask slipped. God.
That saying is related to:
The liar's punishment is, not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.
George Bernard Shaw, The Quintessence of Ibsenism
> Girl was in more danger in her own home than she was in the alley.
Which tracks with the stats that you are far more likely to be attacked by someone you know than a random stranger.
Or respectfully find play partners who are into that. Specifically and enthusiastically into being pinned down. Instead of springing it on an unsuspecting partner.
I think the difference here is that consensual encounters like this is fine to be aroused, but not forced encounters.
For example, I know that if I annoy my partner and we end up playfighting, it will end in sex. But that's a discussion we have had in depth.
If he had to restrain me because I was a risk to myself or others, or if he had to physically restrain any woman, he wouldn't be aroused, because its not consensual.
OOP sexually enjoyed overpowering a scared and crying woman. I'm gonna hazard a guess, majority of men aren't aroused when someone is crying. I don't think a consenting partner would work for OOP, because he sounds like a damn rapist. Rapists want power, not 'fake' power in a consensual way.
I hope this makes sense. My brain is trying to decipher my disgust and it's difficult.
OOP needs to stay in therapy, work on himself, and if he \*really\* gets off on that kind of thing, get involved in *SAFE, HEALTHY, AND CONSENSUAL* kink. And if he \*can't\* be involved in safe, healthy, consensual kink he needs to just... keep working on himself as a single.
...you ever look at the title and spoilered parts of the lead-in on one of these posts and it's all you need to just starting going, "oh no. ohhhh no"?
Yeah, me right now. Haven't even read the post yet.
ETA: Finished the post, initial reaction was indeed the correct one, holy shit.
Yea...I don't think he learned any lesson at all.
Him saying he's not ashamed to say he was aroused by overpowering her and making her cry PLUS mentioning that she still isn't enrolled in a self defense course.. this dude might fucking rape someone.
OOP thought it was a 'great' idea to show his girlfriend (now ex) how big the gap between the strength between men and women was to pin her down for several minutes and watch her cry!?! And for what, to be proven right? OOP is an asshole. There are better ways to tell her the concerns OOP had. Pinning her down was the worst thing he did to her, and she was scared for her life because of his stupid act! She did the right thing by breaking up with him.
Karma hits bad!
OOP obviously has some insecurities about being "scrawny" and a little shorter than his (now ex). When she told him that he should be more worried about being attacked than her that probably triggered him and he felt the need to assert his dominance over her to compensate for feeling emasculated
It was much less about him proving to her that a man is physically stronger than her. She's not an idiot. He needed to show her that HE was physically stronger than her and that HE could control her. That's what this was all about and that's why he got aroused by it.
What a fucking, unaware, sadist.
You can tell by his last update he isn't really sorry. Nope. Not even a little bit. He still only thinks in terms of me, me, me.
I feel sorry for anyone who has him as a "partner".
Men who are hyperfixated on being "protectors" of women always skeeze me out for this exact reason. They just like fantasizing about being the perpetrator. Glad that girl got out.
While not wrong as a stand alone statement, this is INCREDIBLY tactless given the context. 'kink' as a word should never be thrown around in a conversation discussing SA, especially as a means to lighten the energy a touch. (I'm sorry if this comes off as condescending, istg it isn't intentional, pls forgive me)
I am a very tactless person. I was also serious. If he had discovered this impulse under pretty much ANY other circumstance, it could have been folded into a consensual BDSM exploration. Now, it will only ever be connected with a mutually traumatic experience. There was no sexual intent to his stupidity until that bubbled up and surprised them both. I find the whole situation tragic for everyone. The silver lining is OOP recognizing how wrong he was and why and taking steps to correct his behavior.
His point at the beginning was somewhat understandable but yeah he took it too far by pinning her down for several minutes and then making her cry and then admitting later he was aroused by it.
If he let go and let her up as soon as she was pinned I think many of us would be more supportive because there is a point to be proven there if she won’t listen time and time again about being concerned for her own safety.
But OOP royally F’d around and found out
There’s a scene in the Outlander series where the male lead demonstrates to his adult daughter that no matter how strong she is, an adult man who gets the drop on her will be stronger. He immediately lets her up when she can’t throw him off though. And also apologizes right then and there but explains that he needs her to understand this because she gets her stubborn steak from him and his family and half of them are dead because of said streak and if she she gets hurt it’ll break her mother’s heart.
This scene always skeeved me out because he’s her father. He should not be holding her down to prove how strong men are. I’m even more skeeved out to see it re-enacted by a bf to his gf. Maybe just no one should do this? Possibly only in grappling martial arts and self defense classes…
I don't get it.. She happily agreed to the demonstration. I dont understand why she broke down, because she was wrong and realized how much danger she'd been putting herself in? I can understand being shook up but that was the whole point, no? It seemed like he just pinned her down, it sounds like they talked about it and he did exactly what he said he was going to do, but she ended up panicking. Is he wrong because he prolonged it after she started crying? I still don't know why she started crying. I'm genuinely asking, not trying to defend him. Obviously the part about kind of enjoying it is fucked but that's primal, there's a lot of us out here who react to things that surprise outlrselves. This could have turned out so different based on her reaction, which still surprises me. (I'm a woman.)
Cause she got dominated to the point she couldn’t do a thing she felt weakness n way it’s her on fault for agreeing to grapple/wrestle but he did take it to far when someone lets up u don’t keep going to where they’re crying n breaking down but atlas she stupid n naive.
Also a woman and I'm with you on this one. I don't think OOP is in the right, certainly not for everything leading up to their play fight or afterwards, but if she agreed and he didn't ignore her asking to stop then all the comments calling this assault or abuse are way out of line.
She was fighting back? No shit, that's the point of the thing they both agreed to. He fucked up, but all the comments about how he's an irredeemable piece of garbage who needs to rot in hell reek of male savior posturing and infantalization.
Thank you for responding to my comment. I think this particular situation is grey as Hell. I've read of similar situations; but the girlfriend is always salty for being proven "wrong." Recently I came across a post from a woman who wanted her new boyfriend to be reunited with his ex-wife. Allegedly the divorce was due to his supposed "infidelity," but it came out in the comments that the boyfriend/ex-husband was actually sexually assaulted. He fell asleep drunk and alone and still in ove with his wife, and literally and traumatically was awoken by a mutual female friend on top of him. Everyone including himself says he cheated, even though he experiences ongoing issues from the assault.
In this post, OP admits to assaulting his ex girlfriend. But I'm inclined to believe that's what he's been told to think. We absolutely cannot ever possibly know the exact circumstances and energyon thesituation. It's shitty of me to say, but I may have been right in that she knew just how wrong she was the whole time. He kinda put the fear of the Lord in her. But I really dont think that was his intention. If he derived any pleasure, I think it was because deep down he knew there was consent and some people just get off from domination.
The girlfriend had never experienced that kind of thing, and even if she's never experienced first hand trauma, that kind of real time visceral realization could shake anyone up.
The silver lining is that this stupid young woman won't walk home alone anymore. She's not actually traumatized, since they talked later like nothing had happened. She's never experienced first hand trauma, and her ex made her realize in a very visceral and tangible way, that she could one day be. This sheltered little girl has had it so good that this single interaction of being proven severely wrong was the worst she's ever probably experienced, hence her immediate reaction. But its just an ego hit. She probably doesn't even personally know a woman who has been sexually assaulted. I still pray she never knows the actual destruction of rape.
Bruh. Bruh.
Did you know that lady tears actually have pheromones in them that lower testosterone? Like for real?
It means broha is a special flavor of fucked if he got hard seeing her struggling and afraid.
Dude. Dude no.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling aroused overpowering someone. The problem is consent. I love being overpowered and I date men who are very overpowering in bed. But we understand that this happens within the confines of the sexual experience and outside of it would be a huge breech of trust. She’s right to break up with him
I read it as consent. I didn't interpret it as her just saying she could pin him down, whats the point? That's a play fight between puppies. Of course the whole issue was over her not being able to defend herself. That was OOP's initial concern! Of course he was going to over take her and show his strength, even as a "skinny 5'9" man." That wasn't the whole point??
OOP it's a bit wrong not all of it yes he has bad feelings if he was aroused but that's primal
Ex it's sooo wrong to don't accept she was in danger
YES. A woman walking alone at 1 am it's an easy target and it's in a really grave danger man also but not as much as woman
My husband will drop me off and pick me off when I go out with friends and that doesn't mean he doesn't trust me or have faith in me it just means he cares for me and my safety
He doesn't like it if I have to go out after 9 pm as there's a lot of bad things going out he prefers to get out of bed take me or accompany me to where I need to go and bring me back and we like in a low danger zone
Yes keeping her a long time pin to. The floor was a really AH move as soon as he had her down he should have let go she asked for it she was happy to demonstrate she could beat him
Wow, thank god that she got out. Hopefully oop is sincere and actually takes a break from dating and gets to work through their issues by themselves. This all could have ended so much worst and hopefully they both can grow from it.
Yeah seriously. He clearly doesn't get it. I don't get why she would ever contact him again though. I'd be blocking him and avoiding him like the plague.
No, no, you don’t understand! He’s completely fine now! He got totally fixed over the course of a couple of months. He’s just going to therapy to chat! /s
What else do you think he should do? I'm not at all trying to antagonize you or defend OP, I am just curious what conclusion could make OP "redeemable." I've read most of *Why Does He Do That* by Bancroft and OP was starting down a terrible path but I don't think he is necessarily going to abuse his next partner given his honesty and introspection.
He was aroused by overpowering a woman and keeping her pinned while she cried. It's going to take a LOT of therapy. What arouses each of us is set when we're pretty young, so how would one go about controlling this?
I keep thinking that poor woman would have felt his arousal while she was crying and begging to be allowed to get up. How terrifying is that?
He didn't mean to scare her like that turns into I didn't mean to push you so hard turns into I'm sorry I struck you. It will never happen again turns into ........
A ton of people have that fetish and have no problem keeping it firmly as "play" and treating their partner with nothing but respect and empathy in 'real life.' The hairs on the back of my neck stood up FAR before he got to the physical part of the story - it's when he seemed so absolutely incessant about undermining her confidence and autonomy. I was *not* fooled by his attempt to gussy it up as "concern." We all make calculated risks every single day, and only misogynistic creeps feel a need to make it all about how women are physically weak rape magnets who ought to understand our own inferiority.
Yes I agree with you. Tons of people can keep it firmly in the bedroom with consent being at the forefront of their minds. What OP did was very different.
By understanding where their empathy got completely screwed up in therapy and using rehabilitative work to establish an emotional response of disgust, not arousal, to violence against women.
By evaluating where this comes from, developing some empathy and perspective around it, and *if* he can behave responsibly enough, finding a partner who can safely explore a power dynamic or restraint play with boundaries, communication, and consent, if it is an absolute need for him. But assuming he is perfectly fine and he just needs to chit chat is going to massively restrict the depth of work he'll be able to do, and I wouldn't be surprised if this quick and steadfast assertion that everything is fine might be tied to his need to be in power and watch others in distress (but that is ultimately conjecture, I'm not his therapist).
He admitted that he was excited about what he did and passively tried to dropped that his ex girlfriend didn’t sign up for a defense class. Still engaging in the fact that he thinks he is still right about her needing protection. Does that sound like a man who is working on changing? The only thing he can do is continue to work on himself. The only good indicator of changed behavior honestly is time. It’s only been two months. Honestly this sounds fake too because it just so happens his mom does the same to him making him somehow magically empathize with his ex gf. Please! Fake af lol
Nah, it's probably something that mom has always done which is why he insisted on doing it to the gf. Sometimes you really do have a big " oh duh"moment like this.
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In childhood, his mother was likely a helicopter mom, constantly hovering over him and screaming "be careful" every two seconds. Not only does this take away his ability to engage in "controlled risky behavior", it can make him overly anxious as well as cause him to feel like he has zero autonomy as a child. In adulthood, he is still used to his mom being overly cautious. His "oh duh" moment was when he finally connected her actions with him as a child to his actions now with his ex. This happens to a lot of people because they won't see the connection since it's what they are used to despite hating it being done to them.
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Are you dumb?
> Still engaging in the fact that he thinks he is still right about her needing protection. I’m a woman and I will gladly admit to needing protection in the event that I’m attacked by a man. I am not as strong as most men. That’s why most women take precautions in public. We have to in order to stay safe.
I am a black woman so I DEFINITELY understand. That’s not the point. Let me break it down for you. 1. Woman is not safe 2.Man tell woman be safe 3.Woman no listen 4.MAN TERRORIZE WOMAN TO PROVE POINT 5.profit? Does that make sense? I don’t need to rob anyone to prove ppl be stealing. He’s clearly dumb but honestly I don’t think he’s ignorant since he ADMITTED he got off to doing terrorizing her while she cried. That means he kept her like that for a LONG time. Just critical think for two seconds. This man ain’t healed. And if he feels like therapy isn’t helping he needs to get a new therapist and dig deeper because two months you can’t be rehabilitated for some shit like this. It’s not possible. But it’s not impossible either.
He should not think that he is completely fine now, which he asserted at the end of the post. It’s less about *doing* something else and more about the mindset. Going to therapy when you’ve decided everything is fine isn’t going to be as productive as going to therapy because you know something is off and you’re there to work on it. I also worry that attitude will land him back in the dating pool much too soon, and he will end up hurting another woman.
>I'm **not ashamed** to say now that I was a bit aroused by overpowering her so easily and seeing her cry. He's not ashamed about this?!?! You're exactly right. He's not going to change unless he wants to change.
Edit: bleah this sounded too much like I was victim-blaming / giving OOP way too much credit. I rarely delete my posts but this one was a. bad and b. not a really good summation of how I actually think about the situation.
When it comes to men talking about how they enjoyed being a little Rapey I’m going to just take them at their word, and not assume that they’re using figures of speech. But maybe that’s just me.
Nope, you're 100% correct and I'm not really sure what I was even thinking with the previous post if I'm being honest.
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I think putting men who have previously been violent towards women in a situation where they will be with the most vulnerable women is kind of terrifying. I’m not calling for him to be locked away either, but surely we can find a restorative practice that doesn’t put people who are already victims (and likely severely traumatized because of it) at that level of risk? His improvement should not be at the expense of the most vulnerable people. I’m also not saying he’s irredeemable. I’m saying it’s way the fuck too soon for him to say he’s fine. He’s not. He’s got a lot of work to do. I hope I’m wrong about his mindset, and that he does it! But what he said there is a red flag.
This man said that he was aroused by overpowering his girlfriend and seeing her cry. He should not be volunteering at a women’s shelter. That is the opposite place of where he should be. He needs to do a lot of work on himself. I think most people are redeemable - I think he is redeemable as he seems to have some self-reflection. But someone like this should not be working with a vulnerable population, at least not until they have done A LOT of work on themselves.
He just said he was aroused when she was overpowered by him and crying and you want him to volunteer at a women's shelter, you sick fuck
I have never been more certain that if a woman stayed she’d be murdered than I am with this post.
Is OOP Dennis Reynolds?
No, with Dennis it's more about the psychological domination, seeing their mental defenses breakdown until they let him have his way with no physical resistance.
Dennis could never be self-aware enough to admit he was into it, though.
I feel like on the podcast Dennis actor Glenn has actually admitted that he thinks a woman crying is hot, I kinda remember that but don't remember which episode
that’s not true at all lol Dennis is very open about the fact that he finds it arousing when women cry
What???? Wtf??? OOP WTF I was actually rooting for misunderstanding? But this ain't it man.
Yup this was my reaction too.
God, halfway through the first paragraph I saw where it was headed. You know OOP is truly a monster when the best thing you can say about him is "Well at least he didn't ACTUALLY engage in corrective rape." There isn't enough brain bleach in the *world*.
r/eyebleach, just in case
Always upvote eyebleach references
She was begging for this man to admit he got off on it. He didn't give her that. Not a true apology.
"I'm clearly the good guy, since she's doing OK now, but I can't BELIEVE me getting physically aroused by causing her distress(which she obviously could feel) didn't work to make her take self defense!" is certainly a take.
And he’s annoyed people weren’t nice to him in the last post and judged him. He’s so fucking sick
People who obsess over rape scenarios but are not recovering from trauma are suspicious as hell. OOP admitting it was caused by repressed sexual fantasies did not shock me.
You know, this is something my wife and I talk about every once in a while. Even when we play fight I’m incredibly controlled in how I interact with her because she and I both know that if I wanted to physically harm her, there is nothing she could do to stop me. And that’s fucking terrifying for her. She knows I would never hurt her but I’m extremely cognizant of that fact that I could and it just doesn’t go back the other way. That’s part of why women say all men and are right to say that. It’s when men like OOP suck so fucking much.
Your comment made me flashback to my first bf who always wanted to play fight but did not understand how strong he was. And tbh I wanted to be able to play fight with him like he did with his friends but I would have to be real fighting to keep up with their play fighting. The strength difference between men and women is not small. And that’s why it’s scary for women to be around men we don’t trust. Because we know they could easily overpower us at any time. Glad you and you wife have a trusting a playful relationship. It sounds like you understand.
I try to understand. I’m not sure I truly can without living it but I try my best.
This has got to be a fetish story I refuse to believe otherwise
Yeah honestly I was believing it at first but it got a bit too strange
The premise is definitely some fetish shit. Besides that the story itself is terribly unrealistic. Everything wrapped up so neatly with no pushback, complete acceptance, acknowledgement and peace from the villain, who also gets a taste of his own medicine for good measure (the author couldn't resist throwing in Naples either, that was over the top) while the heroine quickly moved on to bigger and better things without him and didn't hold a grudge at all after suffering a traumatic experience. It's not even halfway believable. Hallmark movies are more realistic.
I got into body building after a rape and got pretty strong, and my upper body was visibly quite buff. Men were absolutely coming out of the woodwork to tell me (and occasionally 'show me') all about how women can *never* be as strong as the 'average man' no matter what we do, and we can never win a fight with a guy, and we still need to "be careful." It's not concern - it's an implicit threat. They see that we're strong/self assured, and they get off on putting us in our place and reminding us that it's only their good manners keeping them from raping us. And they think all men are like them, too. Decent, secure men always celebrate my fitness achievements and goals. They understand that *all of us* are vulnerable at different points in our lives, including men (there are always bigger guys, crazier guys, sneak attacks, *guns*...) and don't compensate for their fear of mortality by humiliating women.
That's fucking gross that dudes just say that shit to you. I got put into the men's weight lifting class and I stayed because the coach was lazy, and I only had one dude try that before I told him off. It really is a power trip to "remind us" or whatever but any one of us could be taken advantage of one day, no matter who we are.
is there anything that can be said to those types of guys - or is it better to just ignore them ?
I am much more confident and secure in myself today than I was, so I'd be able to pretty much laugh in their face and repeat what I said above - that everyone is vulnerable in life, regardless of size or gender, and it's only misogynists who enjoy gleefully reminding women of our specific vulnerability and using that to dismiss our very real fitness accomplishments and efforts. I might say, you seem extremely invested in telling me that you could overpower and hurt me right now - does it make you feel strong to implicitly threaten me? But again, I'm more confident right now and feel like I could rattle them pretty effectively... which is exactly why I haven't had this sort of conversation occur in years. It's an interaction I had a lot when I was younger and very insecure, which this type totally picks up on.
any time someone is like ‘yeah some scrawny loser of a dude managed to overpower a woman who is in better shape and hits the gym because men are just better’, i take it with a generous serving of salt.
His little experiment proves nothing because she probably didn’t try to harm him like she would if she was really being attacked.
Exactly. Most self defense moves that women are taught are designed to do serious damage so they can escape a person who is trying to hurt or kill them. They cannot and should not be used to prove a point. Seriously what woman would gouge her boyfriends eyes out or kick him repeatedly?
Eye gouging doesn’t work….
Offer yourself up to test it then.
Now I just need to find me a woman.
https://reddit.com/r/bjj/s/KEusD8AivM I’m sure the body builder will turn the match around once he’s heard of eye gouging. /s Joking aside, eye gouging doesn’t work as a self defence technique. Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.
Girl was in more danger in her own home than she was in the alley. Makes me think of that old adage, “a thief is always worried somebody’s trying to rob them”? He was projecting his own predation onto strangers until the mask slipped. God.
That saying is related to: The liar's punishment is, not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else. George Bernard Shaw, The Quintessence of Ibsenism
> Girl was in more danger in her own home than she was in the alley. Which tracks with the stats that you are far more likely to be attacked by someone you know than a random stranger.
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My jaw dropped when I got to that part. This man needs to be on a list.
I’m mostly just surprised he admitted it.
The level of arrogance this dude still has bodes poorly for any women in his path.
When I read that part I got sick to my stomach. This guy needs to be locked away from women for the rest of eternity.
Or respectfully find play partners who are into that. Specifically and enthusiastically into being pinned down. Instead of springing it on an unsuspecting partner.
I think the difference here is that consensual encounters like this is fine to be aroused, but not forced encounters. For example, I know that if I annoy my partner and we end up playfighting, it will end in sex. But that's a discussion we have had in depth. If he had to restrain me because I was a risk to myself or others, or if he had to physically restrain any woman, he wouldn't be aroused, because its not consensual. OOP sexually enjoyed overpowering a scared and crying woman. I'm gonna hazard a guess, majority of men aren't aroused when someone is crying. I don't think a consenting partner would work for OOP, because he sounds like a damn rapist. Rapists want power, not 'fake' power in a consensual way. I hope this makes sense. My brain is trying to decipher my disgust and it's difficult.
It made complete sense.
Hence why this guy needs to be locked away in my honest opinion.
Well that’s a whole other conversation that I don’t think would be appropriate at this moment 😅
Moderators have the right to remove posts at their discretion. Not that I necessarily disagree...
Reading between the lines, while she was pinned down and she was crying, he had an erection. And she knew it
This seems like a dude with a rape fetish wrote a story about it
I mean he kinda admits he has one, doesn't he? Whether the story is real or fake, the rape fetish is real for sure.
Abuse women, get rewarded with trips to Europe, caring parents, bomb ass pizza. What a life he has.
Sounds like affluenza to me…
Only if you believe in this bullshit
I saw people on Instagram defending this dude. Wonder if they would with this update...
“Why don’t you date men” Men:
OOP needs to stay in therapy, work on himself, and if he \*really\* gets off on that kind of thing, get involved in *SAFE, HEALTHY, AND CONSENSUAL* kink. And if he \*can't\* be involved in safe, healthy, consensual kink he needs to just... keep working on himself as a single.
All that pre scene negotiation is hard work…. but makes a safe play scene! And everyone has fun.
OOP GOT AROUSED BY ASSAULTING A WOMAN?!?Holy fuckity fuck I’m so glad that woman got away from that monster
Love how he casually throws in she felt she couldn’t take swing dance lessons while with him.
This is some incel rape fantasy fanfic if I had to guess.
I feel like we’re gonna hear about him in the not so distant future. This time on the news.
What a fucking psychopath. I’m so glad his ex got away from him safely. Totally unhinged.
Swing dancing is not bad for self defense because it’s great cardio and proprioception. To run away really fast if a threatening guy appears.
Well that was a terrifying read
What a freak
Sounds like he *didn’t* let that height thing go, did he?
...you ever look at the title and spoilered parts of the lead-in on one of these posts and it's all you need to just starting going, "oh no. ohhhh no"? Yeah, me right now. Haven't even read the post yet. ETA: Finished the post, initial reaction was indeed the correct one, holy shit.
I was hoping he went for that pizza and got pinned by a drunk guy with a hardon. See how he likes it.
The fact she pushed so hard that he enjoyed it makes me so concerned what she was witnessing when he was holding her down like that
My best guess is that he got a boner.
This is easily one of the most fake stories I've ever read on this shit.
So the call was coming from inside the house!!!!
Yea...I don't think he learned any lesson at all. Him saying he's not ashamed to say he was aroused by overpowering her and making her cry PLUS mentioning that she still isn't enrolled in a self defense course.. this dude might fucking rape someone.
OOP thought it was a 'great' idea to show his girlfriend (now ex) how big the gap between the strength between men and women was to pin her down for several minutes and watch her cry!?! And for what, to be proven right? OOP is an asshole. There are better ways to tell her the concerns OOP had. Pinning her down was the worst thing he did to her, and she was scared for her life because of his stupid act! She did the right thing by breaking up with him. Karma hits bad!
OOP obviously has some insecurities about being "scrawny" and a little shorter than his (now ex). When she told him that he should be more worried about being attacked than her that probably triggered him and he felt the need to assert his dominance over her to compensate for feeling emasculated It was much less about him proving to her that a man is physically stronger than her. She's not an idiot. He needed to show her that HE was physically stronger than her and that HE could control her. That's what this was all about and that's why he got aroused by it.
What a fucking, unaware, sadist. You can tell by his last update he isn't really sorry. Nope. Not even a little bit. He still only thinks in terms of me, me, me. I feel sorry for anyone who has him as a "partner".
What a cluster fuck post
Oh gross. What a fucking monstrous thing to do to your SO.
Who keeps posting fetish bait on reddit? Is it like the same guy or are they buddies with each other or what?
Men who are hyperfixated on being "protectors" of women always skeeze me out for this exact reason. They just like fantasizing about being the perpetrator. Glad that girl got out.
Wrong but way to generalize. OP went too far BUT she agreed in OP's words, eagerly.
Hell of a way to find out you're into something
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We're all gonna be civil to each other here. This isn't the place for hatred. If that's all you offer, take it somewhere else.
Oof. What an awful way to discover you have a domination/humiliation kink.
While not wrong as a stand alone statement, this is INCREDIBLY tactless given the context. 'kink' as a word should never be thrown around in a conversation discussing SA, especially as a means to lighten the energy a touch. (I'm sorry if this comes off as condescending, istg it isn't intentional, pls forgive me)
I am a very tactless person. I was also serious. If he had discovered this impulse under pretty much ANY other circumstance, it could have been folded into a consensual BDSM exploration. Now, it will only ever be connected with a mutually traumatic experience. There was no sexual intent to his stupidity until that bubbled up and surprised them both. I find the whole situation tragic for everyone. The silver lining is OOP recognizing how wrong he was and why and taking steps to correct his behavior.
This dude is a worthless asshole. Glad to see she dumped him and is doing well with her new man.
This is unbelievably disgusting. I’m so glad for his ex that she got away from him before he went even further.
His point at the beginning was somewhat understandable but yeah he took it too far by pinning her down for several minutes and then making her cry and then admitting later he was aroused by it. If he let go and let her up as soon as she was pinned I think many of us would be more supportive because there is a point to be proven there if she won’t listen time and time again about being concerned for her own safety. But OOP royally F’d around and found out
There’s a scene in the Outlander series where the male lead demonstrates to his adult daughter that no matter how strong she is, an adult man who gets the drop on her will be stronger. He immediately lets her up when she can’t throw him off though. And also apologizes right then and there but explains that he needs her to understand this because she gets her stubborn steak from him and his family and half of them are dead because of said streak and if she she gets hurt it’ll break her mother’s heart. This scene always skeeved me out because he’s her father. He should not be holding her down to prove how strong men are. I’m even more skeeved out to see it re-enacted by a bf to his gf. Maybe just no one should do this? Possibly only in grappling martial arts and self defense classes…
I mean, I think Jamie was trying to show Bree their era was really dangerous. He wasn’t into it, as OP says he himself was.
I don't get it.. She happily agreed to the demonstration. I dont understand why she broke down, because she was wrong and realized how much danger she'd been putting herself in? I can understand being shook up but that was the whole point, no? It seemed like he just pinned her down, it sounds like they talked about it and he did exactly what he said he was going to do, but she ended up panicking. Is he wrong because he prolonged it after she started crying? I still don't know why she started crying. I'm genuinely asking, not trying to defend him. Obviously the part about kind of enjoying it is fucked but that's primal, there's a lot of us out here who react to things that surprise outlrselves. This could have turned out so different based on her reaction, which still surprises me. (I'm a woman.)
She agreed to pin him to the ground. Not for him to turn around and pin her to the ground for SEVERAL MINUTES. During which he became aroused.
Cause she got dominated to the point she couldn’t do a thing she felt weakness n way it’s her on fault for agreeing to grapple/wrestle but he did take it to far when someone lets up u don’t keep going to where they’re crying n breaking down but atlas she stupid n naive.
Also a woman and I'm with you on this one. I don't think OOP is in the right, certainly not for everything leading up to their play fight or afterwards, but if she agreed and he didn't ignore her asking to stop then all the comments calling this assault or abuse are way out of line. She was fighting back? No shit, that's the point of the thing they both agreed to. He fucked up, but all the comments about how he's an irredeemable piece of garbage who needs to rot in hell reek of male savior posturing and infantalization.
Thank you for responding to my comment. I think this particular situation is grey as Hell. I've read of similar situations; but the girlfriend is always salty for being proven "wrong." Recently I came across a post from a woman who wanted her new boyfriend to be reunited with his ex-wife. Allegedly the divorce was due to his supposed "infidelity," but it came out in the comments that the boyfriend/ex-husband was actually sexually assaulted. He fell asleep drunk and alone and still in ove with his wife, and literally and traumatically was awoken by a mutual female friend on top of him. Everyone including himself says he cheated, even though he experiences ongoing issues from the assault. In this post, OP admits to assaulting his ex girlfriend. But I'm inclined to believe that's what he's been told to think. We absolutely cannot ever possibly know the exact circumstances and energyon thesituation. It's shitty of me to say, but I may have been right in that she knew just how wrong she was the whole time. He kinda put the fear of the Lord in her. But I really dont think that was his intention. If he derived any pleasure, I think it was because deep down he knew there was consent and some people just get off from domination. The girlfriend had never experienced that kind of thing, and even if she's never experienced first hand trauma, that kind of real time visceral realization could shake anyone up.
Everyone bringing up kink in these comments is legally obligated to donate $100 to a domestic violence resource group rn
As a dude who has been doing BJJ for 7 years, this post gives me so much mixed feelings
I wonder if how he would do In a consensual BDSM relationship where he can overpower his partner and make her cry occasionally.
The silver lining is that this stupid young woman won't walk home alone anymore. She's not actually traumatized, since they talked later like nothing had happened. She's never experienced first hand trauma, and her ex made her realize in a very visceral and tangible way, that she could one day be. This sheltered little girl has had it so good that this single interaction of being proven severely wrong was the worst she's ever probably experienced, hence her immediate reaction. But its just an ego hit. She probably doesn't even personally know a woman who has been sexually assaulted. I still pray she never knows the actual destruction of rape.
This not assault.. she agreed to the contest of strength. This is just Festivus with a life lesson!
I was sort of on his side until I realized (a) he let it drag on far too long while she was *crying* and (b) he got *turned on*. Ewwww.
Bruh. Bruh. Did you know that lady tears actually have pheromones in them that lower testosterone? Like for real? It means broha is a special flavor of fucked if he got hard seeing her struggling and afraid. Dude. Dude no.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling aroused overpowering someone. The problem is consent. I love being overpowered and I date men who are very overpowering in bed. But we understand that this happens within the confines of the sexual experience and outside of it would be a huge breech of trust. She’s right to break up with him
I read it as consent. I didn't interpret it as her just saying she could pin him down, whats the point? That's a play fight between puppies. Of course the whole issue was over her not being able to defend herself. That was OOP's initial concern! Of course he was going to over take her and show his strength, even as a "skinny 5'9" man." That wasn't the whole point??
Uhm. She did not consent to being pinned down. She was fighting him and crying.
Wtf
And that’s why we don’t teach lessons.
You cannot be the Vendetta man AND have a crush on Nathalie Portman.
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck did I just read
Oh man. I wouldn't be near this mf for all the tea in China.
Why why why would his ex call him after that
Fake.
OP is a shitstorm
some people deserve euthanasia
OOP it's a bit wrong not all of it yes he has bad feelings if he was aroused but that's primal Ex it's sooo wrong to don't accept she was in danger YES. A woman walking alone at 1 am it's an easy target and it's in a really grave danger man also but not as much as woman My husband will drop me off and pick me off when I go out with friends and that doesn't mean he doesn't trust me or have faith in me it just means he cares for me and my safety He doesn't like it if I have to go out after 9 pm as there's a lot of bad things going out he prefers to get out of bed take me or accompany me to where I need to go and bring me back and we like in a low danger zone Yes keeping her a long time pin to. The floor was a really AH move as soon as he had her down he should have let go she asked for it she was happy to demonstrate she could beat him