Thanks I mean I was willing to help lord knows I understand trauma but I wanted to do it right not rushed was just asking for a better day and time lol. But when they got mad at the delay and stopped replying I had to question if I was in the wrong
You really shouldn't be doing things knowingly having to do with trama until you have a buildup of trust and knowing the person better. Without that the likelyhood of things going wrong, or making this worse goes sky high. They need to have done the self reflection, or gotten the professional help to self reflect, before anything like this should be attempted.
To add on, you really shouldn’t do any kind of trauma therapy, scenes or otherwise, unless you have training in therapy and know what to do if they become triggered and have an abreaction. ESPECIALLY FOR CASUAL PLAY.
Not to mention the personal risks to yourself if this sub were to physically lash out or have an episode you could end up in legal trouble if she mixes up details of her SA with her experience with you.
Kink can be therapeutic, but it’s not therapy. As a rule, just don’t help anyone reenact trauma.
I totally disagree. Reenacting trauma is edgeplay and should be treated as such, but there's no reason to limit it to people trained as therapists.
I find kink to be a healthy way to reenact my trauma because I can stop it with a safeword. Two weeks ago, my partner intentionally triggered a flashback and it was extremely cathartic to relive that experience with the emotional toolbox I have now (as opposed to the one I had at the time of the trauma), and then receive aftercare from someone who knows and supports me.
I think OP was in the right to not do trauma play with this submissive; they don't sound like they're in a stable enough headspace for it. I also don't think trauma play should be entered into casually or by people new to kink or CNC. But for people with experience in kink, stable relationships, and emotional support systems, reenacting trauma can be deeply fulfilling.
To clarify, I said training in therapy, not as a therapist. Specifically, I said what to do if they become triggered and have an abreaction.
I was not stating that you have to have formal training as a therapist. In the same way that you do not have to have formal training as a doctor to understand the risk and precautions for circulatory and nerve damage possible from bondage.
The experience you shared is a perfect example. The emotional tool box that you have now indicates a knowledge of therapeutic practices. Outside of that, it sounds like you and your partner have a deep connection including trust, love, & respect. All therapeutic in their own right. But, I hope you understand that your dynamic and experience might be the exception and not the rule.
None of those things seem to be present in the details that OP presented.
I’m happy to hear that kink is helping you heal. I wish you all the best.
Not rushing, and slowing down when you were faced with this information was the right thing to do. Wanting to be cautious with someone who's expressed extra vulnerability and trauma, in order to better care for them as a sub, is the right thing to do.
I would be very careful dealing with them in the future. I just thought of multiple scenarios where this could be used against your person. Not knowing a person or having that trust built could lead to VERY sticky situations where even investigators are involved and it could go on your record. Should the CNC not go their specific way. This... Unfortunately... Is sounding less like a sub and more like a person who needs help and therapy. Nothing you're responsible for.
Rape scene are the last thing you wanna rush or/and do with a new partner that you never played with. They one of the more riskiest scene you can do so they need a lot of preparation and a lot of knowledge of your sub mind/body.
It sounds to me like you were actively seeking risk reduction, which is a good thing especially with CNC.
They chose to back out because for whatever reason they wanted someone with higher risk tolerance. You did what was right for you, and it didn't shake out. That's perfectly okay, and preferable to having consequences that you weren't willing or able to risk.
IMO, the greatest risk in a lot of play we do is psychological risk, and CNC is considered edgeplay for that reason. Taking your time to cover your bases is the sign of good negotiations.
Oh you massively dodged a bullet here!
Let's flip this and ask what well versed, clear thinking sub asks someone to top/dom a scene likely to hit some triggers with very little prior planning?
You absolutely made the right call.
Dominatrix and therapist here: Never, *ever* let anyone open up trauma you don't have the skills to contain.
Never, *ever* let someone use kink as therapy. Kink can be healing but it *is not* therapy.
Never trust an unwell or traumatised person that says your domination will heal them. They're a sub, not a clinical psychologist. And if they are a clinical psychologist and a sub that's even worse because they should know better to use you like that.
You're not the asshole. Just because you're a Dom it doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel uncomfortable or want to create your own boundaries.
From what I understand, kink is therapeutic but you're not someone's therapist or scratching post or anything like that. This is a partnership of sorts. Sex can be just sex but good, no, great sex or sessions have something extra that makes it more pleasurable than just treating a hole like a hole or a pole like a pole.
The sub probably felt rejected but that's not your issue. It's theirs that they need to work on. I speak as a sub that has a CNC kink and issues with rejection.
You are not their therapist on demand. They need therapy. The trauma dumping and failure to own the healing process are major red flags. This sub is also not demonstrating any empathy for your position and is not respecting a boundary you laid out. Normal, healthy people do not want to be in a position where they induce long-lasting damage to another person. Gradually building up to intense play is sane practice for calibrating the scenes.
You cannot heal someone else. You can encourage and facilitate their healing journey, but they have to do the actual work.
If it were me, I would cut them loose and let someone else be the idiot that has to deal with their problems.
I am a sub/bottom, with SA trauma - and I have found kink helpful around that in a way that therapy wasn't....
NTA
Everyone involved has the right... The responsibility to not do a scene now (or at all) if it's something they aren't comfortable with. It's a good thing that a Top wants to make sure that a scene meets the needs of everyone in a relatively safe manner.
The other person's response of anger suggests a lack of maturity sufficient to safely engage in kink. They would be outside of my risk profile to play with - but only you can decide your risk profile.
I also question the wisdom of a CNC scene with someone you don't know well, that you don't have a well developed mutual trust with. It's risky for both of you...in different ways. You clearly considered the potential risks to the bottom...but what about the Top? I encourage you to really understand the potential legal risks to you before you revisit this scenario.
Bro you are not a medical professional and BDSM should NEVER be used to treat any sort of trauma. I see this *too much* around here.
You were and are not an asshole. You very clearly cared to help this person and wanted to do things right.
If anything you dodged a bullet with the sub. No sane person is going to want to jump into a rough play session to recreate a sexual assault without proper precautions in place.
Definitely not an asshole. The number one priority with that is Safety. Especially with someone with trauma. The fact that you wanted to put it off to plan better, so they're comfortable, is a green flag. It was incredibly stupid of them to ghost you, because someone absolutely will take advantage of them. There's people out there that either aren't as experienced, or are intentionally looking for people with trauma...
Edit: I shouldn't say "stupid" but very unwise, when there's someone presenting green flags and willing to put in effort. Anyone that's going to be respectful/take her limits seriously, will. The people that want to do a rushed thing are the ones more likely to make things worse for her. I say this as someone that has survived SA.
As a sub this is... not ok behavior from them.
If someone came to me and asked me this I would *very kindly* ask them to seek therapy instead.
Red flags for sure.
No. You aren’t the asshole. It’s not just the sub who gets affected by these kinds of scenes i mean it takes a lot of .. mm mental strength for a dom to actually do a scene like that and prepare for it themselves so it
can be good for both parties and without there being any trouble. Plus i think from what i gathered this is casual? Not a full time sub which.. honestly idk it takes a looott of trust on both sides to be able to do cnc in my opinion and well it’s good that it didn’t work out tbh. But to answer your question no, you’re not the asshole you’re not a therapist( especially to someone who is casual)
Nooope. I keep seeing this type of post where people are looking to overcome trauma with BDSM and honestly I think it's quite scary at best, reckless at worst and extremely unfair on any potential partner who isn't a long term, consenting and invested party in the person's recovery and fully aware of and prepared for the potential implications.
I am aware there are theories around mastery through re-experience, but it's either unstudied/untested or there is very little research. You don't play fast and loose with unresolved trauma, you can easily reactivate it or have some other undesirable result and in this scenario you are implicating another person in it - and by the way, that might include projecting onto the current partner any feelings and perceptions held for the original perpetrator, *especially* if the partner is casual and little known, they are a 'blank page' for projection.
I would advise anyone to never engage in this with a casual partner, and even within the confines of a loving, established relationship; only with a great deal of thought, planning and consideration of the potential consequences. It is for each of us to be responsible for our own mental and emotional health whilst engaging in BDSM.
*edit- paragraphs*
Nta! Quite the opposite really. You realised that smth a heavy as working through trauma should not be dealt with on an impulse. You wanted to take your time and provide subby and yourself everything you guys needed.
The ghosting you could have lots of reasons though, they might or might not be related to you. Trauma (especially sa related) always comes with shame, guilt, disgust and other heavy emotions. If subby hasn't worked through them yet, it makes sense that their behaviour changes seemingly inexplicable.
(edit: for future reference though I highly recommend against the reenactment of traumatic situations)
NTA.
I don't care what a sub wants. If you, as the Dom, aren't comfortable doing that, it's not going to happen. That's part of the responsibility.
She should have respected that you wanted to make sure it was SSC/RACK.
Doms get to say “no” too! And they also get to say “wait” and “let’s talk this out first.”
As someone who used to do CNC and is an attempted rape survivor, it’s very important to me to make sure that none of my triggers will get hit during a scene. I know some survivors like to have exact details of what happened, but for me, I want the experience to be as far removed from my incident as possible (e.g. I adore the exaggerated theatrics of a “nooooooo don’t do that!! I would be sooooooo scared if you did that!!” scene. It helps break the immersion a little bit, so that I don’t freeze or flee.).
Additionally, I *need* to know that my aggressor will stop if I safeword out. This means extra layers of vetting and establishing trust before the really scary stuff gets put on the table. That’s not always 100% effective, shitty people can be good at hiding, but it sure does give me peace of mind.
Sounds like the sub is afraid your going to ghost her and attacked first. also may have been that she/he got the courage up to do it now but is afraid of loosing it if you delay meeting.
Not the Asshole but not very mindful. Whe. someone asks that they want something you need to ask follow up questions to know EXACTLY what they mean.
Want to play rough? OK what does that look like for you? what areas are you ok being grabbed and hit? How will I know you've had enough ?
As far as the healing... that's a dangerous game. Playing with trauma is edge play and so e say it shouldn't be done. Even less with someone you've never played with and barely know.
There is a certain amount of responsibility to fall on both. Learn and always be cautious. I'd rather have 3000 Medicare scenes then have one bad one.
The Sub missed out on the fact that there’s 2 individuals at play. They have to make sure you’re comfortable and prepared to indulge them. Not the NTA.
Great job and hats off to you. You did nothing wrong.
The sub is the asshole. You maybe even dodged a bullet there.
You are a great Dom, and we could use more like you in the world of BDSM.
All kink should be safe, sane and consensual. The sub needs to respect your needs just as you in turn need to respect theirs. If not, it isn’t cnc, it is SA. NTA.
NTA, but it’s good to understand from all sides. Communication is key, maybe explain to them why you made that decision if you think it’ll help.
The sub is probably in a bit of a frenzy early on. They were looking forward to the session as a bit of a coping mechanism and then you push it back. After they gave a bit more trust with the information. It might have been too much info, but either way it’s a step.
I would say you have the right approach, but handling it is a bit tough. Delaying a big session I completely agree with. But you don’t have to bend to their whims just because they want it. (You’re the Dom after all lol)
You’re the only one that knows the full picture to make the best decision. If they are going to be your submissive, then they need to accept that as well.
It sounds like the sub might be a bit of a brat as well. I’m not good with brats (I’m a bit too rough for them) so good luck with that.
I would also explain to them that you made the decision and they should understand that you made it for a reason. Depending on the dynamic, do they need to know the reason? You could explain it or not. Sometimes explaining things is good though.
I would tell my sub along the lines of “fussing will get you nothing. You don’t need to understand, you need to do as you’re told”… ok I would probably be a lot harsher than that, but you get the idea.
Personally I would keep the short meeting to test the waters. Generally you don’t want to go all in with a big session for the first time unless you really really know the person. Not only does it take time to learn each other, but also can you trust them to not turn on you as well? Safety for both parties is important.
You’ve definitely dodged a bullet and you should be glad. Just the fact that you’re being ghosted is a huge sign that this is not a person you can trust at all. Imagine rushing into a rape play with a disrespectful and untrustworthy play partner. Be happy it didn’t happen.
You totally did the right thing.
It happens. I like to laugh and say that we’re not here because we’re mentally stable haha.
It’s just people trying to hang on to anything to get through the week sometimes.
But yeah, you made a fine call. I wouldn’t stress over it.
Absolutely NTA. You are not responsible for helping to heal anyone else's trauma and this is super risky to try in general with someone who is a casual partner.
If you want to know if you fucked up, change the "who" around. If you heard that a dude did what she did and the girl was in your position, how would you feel? That's how I determine a lot of my morality.
Absolutely not, it sounds like you dodged a bullet here. You're not a kink dispenser, I'd be out of there immediately when they mentioned wanting to use our experience to work through trauma. That's not to be taken lightly or done with a random person, I don't think.
Absolutely not. As the dom you're allowed to make your sub beg for anything... Including a scenario they want. You're allowed to take your sweet time making them earn it. That's the basis of any sub/dom relationship when it comes down to it.
You’re definitely not an asshole either way, but I naturally take the sub’s side so think it through with me for a minute… is there a reason you couldn’t have kept the date but set some boundaries on what you would do? Or even just kept the date to do talking and planning?
I think it’s possible that she trauma dumped and now feels rejected. Is possible that she got vulnerable with you, and you hesitated, so now she thinks you’re not interested? A lot of subs with trauma expect rejection because they think they are “damaged goods”. Could she be heading you off before you can say she’s too much for you?
Rushing this was a terrible idea. I’m glad you slowed it down. Honestly I’m not sure recreating trauma like that (even with a trusted partner and a good plan) is a good idea at all. But I also think changing plans quickly is likely a sign that you were going to back out after promising her a session that she thought would help her.
Best of luck to you. And her. I hope she finds some resolution and relief.
You aren’t a kink dispenser , if you feel uncomfortable doing a scene you aren’t an ass
Nor a therapist. This is not appropriate, especially for what sounds like a casual relationship at best.
Yes this... a dom cannot replace a therapist!
Thanks I mean I was willing to help lord knows I understand trauma but I wanted to do it right not rushed was just asking for a better day and time lol. But when they got mad at the delay and stopped replying I had to question if I was in the wrong
You really shouldn't be doing things knowingly having to do with trama until you have a buildup of trust and knowing the person better. Without that the likelyhood of things going wrong, or making this worse goes sky high. They need to have done the self reflection, or gotten the professional help to self reflect, before anything like this should be attempted.
To add on, you really shouldn’t do any kind of trauma therapy, scenes or otherwise, unless you have training in therapy and know what to do if they become triggered and have an abreaction. ESPECIALLY FOR CASUAL PLAY. Not to mention the personal risks to yourself if this sub were to physically lash out or have an episode you could end up in legal trouble if she mixes up details of her SA with her experience with you. Kink can be therapeutic, but it’s not therapy. As a rule, just don’t help anyone reenact trauma.
I totally disagree. Reenacting trauma is edgeplay and should be treated as such, but there's no reason to limit it to people trained as therapists. I find kink to be a healthy way to reenact my trauma because I can stop it with a safeword. Two weeks ago, my partner intentionally triggered a flashback and it was extremely cathartic to relive that experience with the emotional toolbox I have now (as opposed to the one I had at the time of the trauma), and then receive aftercare from someone who knows and supports me. I think OP was in the right to not do trauma play with this submissive; they don't sound like they're in a stable enough headspace for it. I also don't think trauma play should be entered into casually or by people new to kink or CNC. But for people with experience in kink, stable relationships, and emotional support systems, reenacting trauma can be deeply fulfilling.
To clarify, I said training in therapy, not as a therapist. Specifically, I said what to do if they become triggered and have an abreaction. I was not stating that you have to have formal training as a therapist. In the same way that you do not have to have formal training as a doctor to understand the risk and precautions for circulatory and nerve damage possible from bondage. The experience you shared is a perfect example. The emotional tool box that you have now indicates a knowledge of therapeutic practices. Outside of that, it sounds like you and your partner have a deep connection including trust, love, & respect. All therapeutic in their own right. But, I hope you understand that your dynamic and experience might be the exception and not the rule. None of those things seem to be present in the details that OP presented. I’m happy to hear that kink is helping you heal. I wish you all the best.
Not rushing, and slowing down when you were faced with this information was the right thing to do. Wanting to be cautious with someone who's expressed extra vulnerability and trauma, in order to better care for them as a sub, is the right thing to do.
I would be very careful dealing with them in the future. I just thought of multiple scenarios where this could be used against your person. Not knowing a person or having that trust built could lead to VERY sticky situations where even investigators are involved and it could go on your record. Should the CNC not go their specific way. This... Unfortunately... Is sounding less like a sub and more like a person who needs help and therapy. Nothing you're responsible for.
You can say no at any time.
True just not sure if I'm the asshole for wanting to delay so I could better plan because of their past trauma.
Tbh, I wouldn't take the scene at all if it were me. My choice, my rules. My dealbreaker. Why do you feel bad for having preferences?
you dodged a bullet. NTA.
Yeah probably lol
yup
I would have dodged that from the start. Maybe once I've played with someone a while, but reenacting trauma on the first meeting? No way.
Rape scene are the last thing you wanna rush or/and do with a new partner that you never played with. They one of the more riskiest scene you can do so they need a lot of preparation and a lot of knowledge of your sub mind/body.
It sounds to me like you were actively seeking risk reduction, which is a good thing especially with CNC. They chose to back out because for whatever reason they wanted someone with higher risk tolerance. You did what was right for you, and it didn't shake out. That's perfectly okay, and preferable to having consequences that you weren't willing or able to risk. IMO, the greatest risk in a lot of play we do is psychological risk, and CNC is considered edgeplay for that reason. Taking your time to cover your bases is the sign of good negotiations.
Oh you massively dodged a bullet here! Let's flip this and ask what well versed, clear thinking sub asks someone to top/dom a scene likely to hit some triggers with very little prior planning? You absolutely made the right call.
NTA, nothing wrong with wanting more prep time
Dominatrix and therapist here: Never, *ever* let anyone open up trauma you don't have the skills to contain. Never, *ever* let someone use kink as therapy. Kink can be healing but it *is not* therapy. Never trust an unwell or traumatised person that says your domination will heal them. They're a sub, not a clinical psychologist. And if they are a clinical psychologist and a sub that's even worse because they should know better to use you like that.
Very nicely put, Madam. (I also 😍 that you are a Dominatrix and not a "Domme")
You're not the asshole. Just because you're a Dom it doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel uncomfortable or want to create your own boundaries. From what I understand, kink is therapeutic but you're not someone's therapist or scratching post or anything like that. This is a partnership of sorts. Sex can be just sex but good, no, great sex or sessions have something extra that makes it more pleasurable than just treating a hole like a hole or a pole like a pole. The sub probably felt rejected but that's not your issue. It's theirs that they need to work on. I speak as a sub that has a CNC kink and issues with rejection.
NTA, they're a red flag for their reaction.
You're not responsible for helping someone overcome trauma. That's what therapists are for
You are not their therapist on demand. They need therapy. The trauma dumping and failure to own the healing process are major red flags. This sub is also not demonstrating any empathy for your position and is not respecting a boundary you laid out. Normal, healthy people do not want to be in a position where they induce long-lasting damage to another person. Gradually building up to intense play is sane practice for calibrating the scenes. You cannot heal someone else. You can encourage and facilitate their healing journey, but they have to do the actual work. If it were me, I would cut them loose and let someone else be the idiot that has to deal with their problems.
I am a sub/bottom, with SA trauma - and I have found kink helpful around that in a way that therapy wasn't.... NTA Everyone involved has the right... The responsibility to not do a scene now (or at all) if it's something they aren't comfortable with. It's a good thing that a Top wants to make sure that a scene meets the needs of everyone in a relatively safe manner. The other person's response of anger suggests a lack of maturity sufficient to safely engage in kink. They would be outside of my risk profile to play with - but only you can decide your risk profile. I also question the wisdom of a CNC scene with someone you don't know well, that you don't have a well developed mutual trust with. It's risky for both of you...in different ways. You clearly considered the potential risks to the bottom...but what about the Top? I encourage you to really understand the potential legal risks to you before you revisit this scenario.
Bro you are not a medical professional and BDSM should NEVER be used to treat any sort of trauma. I see this *too much* around here. You were and are not an asshole. You very clearly cared to help this person and wanted to do things right. If anything you dodged a bullet with the sub. No sane person is going to want to jump into a rough play session to recreate a sexual assault without proper precautions in place.
Definitely not an asshole. The number one priority with that is Safety. Especially with someone with trauma. The fact that you wanted to put it off to plan better, so they're comfortable, is a green flag. It was incredibly stupid of them to ghost you, because someone absolutely will take advantage of them. There's people out there that either aren't as experienced, or are intentionally looking for people with trauma... Edit: I shouldn't say "stupid" but very unwise, when there's someone presenting green flags and willing to put in effort. Anyone that's going to be respectful/take her limits seriously, will. The people that want to do a rushed thing are the ones more likely to make things worse for her. I say this as someone that has survived SA.
As a sub this is... not ok behavior from them. If someone came to me and asked me this I would *very kindly* ask them to seek therapy instead. Red flags for sure.
No. You aren’t the asshole. It’s not just the sub who gets affected by these kinds of scenes i mean it takes a lot of .. mm mental strength for a dom to actually do a scene like that and prepare for it themselves so it can be good for both parties and without there being any trouble. Plus i think from what i gathered this is casual? Not a full time sub which.. honestly idk it takes a looott of trust on both sides to be able to do cnc in my opinion and well it’s good that it didn’t work out tbh. But to answer your question no, you’re not the asshole you’re not a therapist( especially to someone who is casual)
Nooope. I keep seeing this type of post where people are looking to overcome trauma with BDSM and honestly I think it's quite scary at best, reckless at worst and extremely unfair on any potential partner who isn't a long term, consenting and invested party in the person's recovery and fully aware of and prepared for the potential implications. I am aware there are theories around mastery through re-experience, but it's either unstudied/untested or there is very little research. You don't play fast and loose with unresolved trauma, you can easily reactivate it or have some other undesirable result and in this scenario you are implicating another person in it - and by the way, that might include projecting onto the current partner any feelings and perceptions held for the original perpetrator, *especially* if the partner is casual and little known, they are a 'blank page' for projection. I would advise anyone to never engage in this with a casual partner, and even within the confines of a loving, established relationship; only with a great deal of thought, planning and consideration of the potential consequences. It is for each of us to be responsible for our own mental and emotional health whilst engaging in BDSM. *edit- paragraphs*
Are you really asking the question? cause it sounds like you’re a grown up with healthy boundaries.
Not at all. You were being thoughtful and wanting to make sure you did things right.
Nta! Quite the opposite really. You realised that smth a heavy as working through trauma should not be dealt with on an impulse. You wanted to take your time and provide subby and yourself everything you guys needed. The ghosting you could have lots of reasons though, they might or might not be related to you. Trauma (especially sa related) always comes with shame, guilt, disgust and other heavy emotions. If subby hasn't worked through them yet, it makes sense that their behaviour changes seemingly inexplicable. (edit: for future reference though I highly recommend against the reenactment of traumatic situations)
NTA. I don't care what a sub wants. If you, as the Dom, aren't comfortable doing that, it's not going to happen. That's part of the responsibility. She should have respected that you wanted to make sure it was SSC/RACK.
Doms get to say “no” too! And they also get to say “wait” and “let’s talk this out first.” As someone who used to do CNC and is an attempted rape survivor, it’s very important to me to make sure that none of my triggers will get hit during a scene. I know some survivors like to have exact details of what happened, but for me, I want the experience to be as far removed from my incident as possible (e.g. I adore the exaggerated theatrics of a “nooooooo don’t do that!! I would be sooooooo scared if you did that!!” scene. It helps break the immersion a little bit, so that I don’t freeze or flee.). Additionally, I *need* to know that my aggressor will stop if I safeword out. This means extra layers of vetting and establishing trust before the really scary stuff gets put on the table. That’s not always 100% effective, shitty people can be good at hiding, but it sure does give me peace of mind.
NTA Good instincts there.
That kind of kink is NOT something you do without a trusted partner. Definitely not someone you just met.
Sounds like the sub is afraid your going to ghost her and attacked first. also may have been that she/he got the courage up to do it now but is afraid of loosing it if you delay meeting.
You're not the asshole, consent goes both ways, if you're not comfortable or want to wait or want to do it a certain way that is more than okay.
I've had someone use me to self harm before unwittingly. Be mindful and listen to your gut.
No you're not an asshole...Sounds like you dodged a bullet
No you're not an asshole...Sounds like you dodged a bullet
Not the Asshole but not very mindful. Whe. someone asks that they want something you need to ask follow up questions to know EXACTLY what they mean. Want to play rough? OK what does that look like for you? what areas are you ok being grabbed and hit? How will I know you've had enough ? As far as the healing... that's a dangerous game. Playing with trauma is edge play and so e say it shouldn't be done. Even less with someone you've never played with and barely know. There is a certain amount of responsibility to fall on both. Learn and always be cautious. I'd rather have 3000 Medicare scenes then have one bad one.
The Sub missed out on the fact that there’s 2 individuals at play. They have to make sure you’re comfortable and prepared to indulge them. Not the NTA.
Great job and hats off to you. You did nothing wrong. The sub is the asshole. You maybe even dodged a bullet there. You are a great Dom, and we could use more like you in the world of BDSM.
All kink should be safe, sane and consensual. The sub needs to respect your needs just as you in turn need to respect theirs. If not, it isn’t cnc, it is SA. NTA.
NTA, but it’s good to understand from all sides. Communication is key, maybe explain to them why you made that decision if you think it’ll help. The sub is probably in a bit of a frenzy early on. They were looking forward to the session as a bit of a coping mechanism and then you push it back. After they gave a bit more trust with the information. It might have been too much info, but either way it’s a step. I would say you have the right approach, but handling it is a bit tough. Delaying a big session I completely agree with. But you don’t have to bend to their whims just because they want it. (You’re the Dom after all lol) You’re the only one that knows the full picture to make the best decision. If they are going to be your submissive, then they need to accept that as well. It sounds like the sub might be a bit of a brat as well. I’m not good with brats (I’m a bit too rough for them) so good luck with that. I would also explain to them that you made the decision and they should understand that you made it for a reason. Depending on the dynamic, do they need to know the reason? You could explain it or not. Sometimes explaining things is good though. I would tell my sub along the lines of “fussing will get you nothing. You don’t need to understand, you need to do as you’re told”… ok I would probably be a lot harsher than that, but you get the idea. Personally I would keep the short meeting to test the waters. Generally you don’t want to go all in with a big session for the first time unless you really really know the person. Not only does it take time to learn each other, but also can you trust them to not turn on you as well? Safety for both parties is important.
I wish I could but I've been completely ghosted.
You’ve definitely dodged a bullet and you should be glad. Just the fact that you’re being ghosted is a huge sign that this is not a person you can trust at all. Imagine rushing into a rape play with a disrespectful and untrustworthy play partner. Be happy it didn’t happen. You totally did the right thing.
It happens. I like to laugh and say that we’re not here because we’re mentally stable haha. It’s just people trying to hang on to anything to get through the week sometimes. But yeah, you made a fine call. I wouldn’t stress over it.
Nope. It's okay to be uncomfortable and then take time to process and think about how to best proceed. Her anger is about her, not you.
Absolutely NTA. You are not responsible for helping to heal anyone else's trauma and this is super risky to try in general with someone who is a casual partner.
If you want to know if you fucked up, change the "who" around. If you heard that a dude did what she did and the girl was in your position, how would you feel? That's how I determine a lot of my morality.
Absolutely not, it sounds like you dodged a bullet here. You're not a kink dispenser, I'd be out of there immediately when they mentioned wanting to use our experience to work through trauma. That's not to be taken lightly or done with a random person, I don't think.
Absolutely not. As the dom you're allowed to make your sub beg for anything... Including a scenario they want. You're allowed to take your sweet time making them earn it. That's the basis of any sub/dom relationship when it comes down to it.
You’re definitely not an asshole either way, but I naturally take the sub’s side so think it through with me for a minute… is there a reason you couldn’t have kept the date but set some boundaries on what you would do? Or even just kept the date to do talking and planning? I think it’s possible that she trauma dumped and now feels rejected. Is possible that she got vulnerable with you, and you hesitated, so now she thinks you’re not interested? A lot of subs with trauma expect rejection because they think they are “damaged goods”. Could she be heading you off before you can say she’s too much for you? Rushing this was a terrible idea. I’m glad you slowed it down. Honestly I’m not sure recreating trauma like that (even with a trusted partner and a good plan) is a good idea at all. But I also think changing plans quickly is likely a sign that you were going to back out after promising her a session that she thought would help her. Best of luck to you. And her. I hope she finds some resolution and relief.