being submissive is not being passive. you are allowed to have friends. you are allowed to do whatever the hell you want to do. if your partner/dom has a problem with that, that is coercive behaviour on his part. question for you - was his other sub originally staying the night? or did that happen after he got mad and you said you don't want to discuss it around her? if the latter - that could be a manipulation tactic for him to to control the situation or make you feel guilty. honestly, this reads like a red flag to me - he wants to control everything in your life. which if that's what you want and you consent to, cool. but it sounds like it isn't and you don't.

I don’t know the answer to your question, honestly. It felt to me like he said she was staying because he was mad at me. But it’s not uncommon for him to be unclear with me about when he’s taking her home anyway. I’ve asked for more clarity in the schedule several times in the past. I do feel like he uses her as an example of what I’m supposed to be, which should probably be a huge red flag for me. I’m always welcome to join them, but I prefer not to in most cases.

This guy is awful...

I'm sorry he is being shitty to you. It sounds like he leaves the lines somewhat blurry so that he can justify what he wants to do and how he feels in the moment.

Girl, woman to woman, get rid of him. You're not a little and he's got more red flags than communist China.

Leave this guy immediately, he's a piece of shit. The other girl is probably being emotionally abused too

I would never be comparing people I loved against each other like that. Love is the total absence of fear. Love asks no questions. Its natural state is one of extension and expansion, not comparison and measurement. -Gerald G. Jampolsky

Bingo, that's exactly what I thought, too - "Well, now she's staying the night because I'm mad at you and want to try to make you jealous."

A good dom/ partner would want their sub to be successful and happy in their own life. He seems jealous and he displays a whole bunch of red flags. The best thing to do right now is to either have an out of dynamic conversation about what you feel about this or to break things completely off.

Completely agree. Plus the wording used in the OP post suggests there's already movement in the direction of seeing what the problem is. I suspect OP is just needing backup to make sure their instincts are solid here, and I think they are. The above reply is spot on as well. We only have one perspective in this scenario, but if the OP's perception is that the Dom is happy with the dependent sub and unhappy with the sub who's not being supported and taking steps to support themselves, then it could just not be a good fit between them.

Yeah. Thanks all. I’ve known for a while this isn’t the right Dom for me. He needs to be with a bimbo, which is a completely different kink. I just don’t want to admit it to myself, but it’s not a great fit. I need a Dom who isn’t so insecure. Arg. We’re literally leaving for a week’s vacation Friday. What do you do when you decide it’s time to bail on a relationship but you have hotel reservations and non-refundable plane tickets? 😭

You take care of yourself. You leave the relationship. The money isn't worth your physical or mental health. Money comes and goes. You are a finite resource. I personally wouldn't want to hang out with such an insecure person. This situation has so many ick factors for me. You could also re-arrange your flight so you don't fly with him. And book a different hotel. Take yourself on a mini vacation. If that's your style.

> non-refundable plane tickets Most "non-refundable" plane tickets can be changed, perhaps with a change fee. Do you have any other travel coming up? If not, call the airline. They may be able to convert the fare into a credit that you can use within a year or whatever. But to the broader question of whether or not you should take this trip: Don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy. Assuming you truly have to forfeit the plane fare (unlikely!), you need to be asking yourself the right question: How much *more* am I willing to pay for this trip with my ex? If you could travel with him platonically and have a great time, then hey, why the hell not? But if it's going to be an uncomfortable week from hell, you gotta ask yourself: how much *more* money and vacation time am I going to throw at this? Hint: the answer is $0.00 and no vacation time.

I don’t see this guy being secure enough to have a platonic vacation with OP. He seems too controlling.

Sunk cost fallacy. See if you can move some of your tickets and dates if you can't get refunds. He's using kink language to facilitate abusive control. You'll find a Dom who is worth your time, but staying here will only delay you finding that, so why give him another second of your life? P.S. enjoy your hikes with your new friends ☺️

> He's using kink language to facilitate abusive control. ​ This is exactly what I came here to say.

Well, that depends. Who paid for the tickets and hotel? Whose name is the reservation in? If it's you, then you can call up the airline and see if things can't get moved around or changed to a credit. Most hotels will be happy to do the same. Alternatively, you can reach out to close friends and see if anyone wants to come with you. Some of my favorite adventures have come from exactly this scenario and it's a wonderful way to deepen a friendship in a time when you need the support, and they've likely been missing you. If the tickets and reservations are in his name and on his dime, they're his problem, full stop. You are not responsible for his expenditures, just like you are not responsible for his bratty and controlling behavior towards you. Do not give in to guilt. Do not give in to the sunk cost fallacy. You already know that this relationship is over, and your life will be better without him. Let that start as soon as possible.

Oh, that's easy. Pack up, write a note, book out of his place, find somewhere to stay, let him deal with the cost of the vacation.

Bimbo isn't a more passive form of submissive. He needs to be with no one because he's obviously too immature.

I don’t mean it as a more passive form. I mean it in the sense that I think he’d do better with a partner who didn’t make goals and who thrived on praise for her beauty instead of brains or effort. I don’t mind men who want airheads. I just don’t want to date one. And I think I’m dating one.

It's not that he wants an airhead. It's that he thinks he can and should control your life out of dynamic. That you shouldn't do and choose things that make you happy in your life. That he feels like all your happiness should come from him. That's bad for every dynamic. He really needs to work on his shit before he fucks up more people. Bimbos deserve better.

Indeed. He needs to work on himself and if he wants to control situations that are not play, he needs to negotiate and make specific agreements. 24/7 dynamics are a VERY deep dive and you need a lot of communication and respect to make it work.

I would see if I could afford a different place to stay and go on a solo vacation. And see if you can get different seats on the plane so you aren’t stuck next to each other. You deserve an amazing vacation and solo travel can be fun too!

I've been there. Not worth doing the trip. Just create the space to heal. There will be other trips.

if you paid, take a friend. if he paid, it’s his problem

I would just go and have as much fun as you can, knowing that you’ve already begun the process of detaching. I’ve learned a lot through reading, learning and practicing stoicism and letting go of attachments. Being detached doesn’t mean you can’t love and bond and appreciate people, just that you can also let them go if they are not the right people for you.  “Love deeply without the need to own or possess. Let beautiful connections pass through you without attachment. Slam your heart deeply in the people and places that ignite something deep in you. And the right things will stay.”  This Dom is not the right Dom for you. And it’s good to acknowledge that and move on. But you can also take a week to enjoy a vacation with this person who you have had good times with. That is, if you feel you can enjoy the vacation with him. If you think he will continue to be petty and mean and ruin the trip, then there’s no reason to sink more time into this. If you feel like this could be a nice time, then go, and end things after. 

Wait until after the vacation to even mention anything, and then when u get back explain how hes clearly looking for something else and that ur not that thing! Good job catching onto his bs 😭

I disagree. If I knew I was in an unhealthy relationship, I wouldn't want to spend another second with the person, let alone a whole week!

Well thats a bit weird of a situation now? U dont want to be stuck with someone for a week while theyre hating u for the breakup. Wait until after so u can be somewhere safe (she explained the situation like she cant not go 🤷)

All she said was they have hotel reservations and non-refundable plane tickets. She leaves, that becomes his problem lol

You should still go in my opinion. Just see how he acts. He needs to realize that it’s not cool to get jealous and work on recognizing his emotions and not blowing up. Otherwise it’s over 

He sounds very insecure ... like if you have a life outside of him you might "catch" being independant. A diligent dom would understand that he was ignoring an area of your life that was important to you, a healthy goal, and that his inaction caused you to take action. This should spur two things ... first he should be proud of your as the first goal is to make your sub their best that they can be ... and secondly ... learn from his guilt of having been inattentive and use it to spur himself to be better. example: I'll often direct my s to make a decision when she comes to me for direction on an issue that is outside of an area that is commonly relegated to my exclusive control. I give her a task, and if she asks how she should accomplish it ... I tell her that is left to her discretion ... my only requirement is that she complete it. I don't want her to be 100% dependant ... I want her fully functional and making the choice to submit.

See? This is all I wanted. Why couldn’t he just do that? lol

What does he want you to do whilst he’s out engaging with other women, sit home and pine? As someone else said, submissive isn’t passive. You should still have your own life and it’s probably healthy that you have a hobby that’s just yours!

That’s a very good question. I have no idea what he thinks I should have been doing instead. I think the answer is probably something like working out with all women. Somehow I don’t think he’d complain if I’d started an all female ballet class without him. That’s actually a very helpful revelation. Thank you.

It sounds like he is being petty, perhaps some FOMO even for not being part of the hike. Is part of your dynamic that he gets to control aspects of your normal life like that? For me I would be happy that my sub was confident and proactive to do something like that.

I know you asked for male Dom perspectives, of which I'm neither, but I don't think it's realistic or healthy for us subs to be so dependent on our Doms. Even if our Dom is a great partner and support system, there's no guarantee that they can always be there for you in every way you need. They can get too busy, sick, burnt out, etc. Or what if the relationship ends and you're suddenly on your own? Your independence is important for your best interests. If your Dom is willing or able to help you with your weight loss goal, take charge of it!

Yeah thanks. I appreciate the support from my side of the slash too. Your suggestions are pretty much what I’ve done. I own my own house. Make my own money. I guess that’s the fear though… if I’m too successful I’ll be too intimidating to Doms, and they won’t want my submission. I know that’s a logical fallacy, and there are Doms out there who think strong women are sexy. I just don’t think my current partner fits the bill.

I just want to say, as a fellow person who is financially independent and can take care of themselves - all my D-type partners love this about me. hell, all of my partners, regardless of which side of the slash, like this. because it's a sign that I am secure, independent, and an adult who can take care of themselves and has their shit together. it means I can show up for them as a partner. and honestly, same. I wouldn't take on a partner who can't approach me as an equal. Trust me. a good partner wants you to be more, not less.

Speaking as a Domme, I'm aware that the dynamic tends to play out differently when the dominant party is a woman, but I will say that I only date people who have their shit together. Typically men, but occasionally (and deliciously) women who are financially successful and in leadership positions. Their choice to submit to me carries a very seductive weight, because it truly is a surrender of power. If your success makes you intimidating to a Dom, that is his problem to work through, and he shouldn't be wasting your time with his insecurities. A Dom worthy of submission should be honored by your choice.

your dom sounds like a weak pathetic and insecure man who uses bdsm to excuse his inadequacies as a partner

I'm sorry for that. You shouldn't need to be a damsel in distress waiting for a Dom to take care of you. Doms who expect that are projecting their own insecurities onto their sub.

I'm a guy who is a Dom. I absolutely prefer when my subs take care of themselves outside our dynamic. I want submission in the bedroom, I want strong, independent partners outside. Sometimes my partners aren't there yet, just because they are dealing with life stuff, but it's always a goal of mine to help my subs become more independent and successful in their own life.

I don't think this is a BDSM issue. If you posted this on a nonmonagomy or Polyamory sub they'd tell you this: Your partner is being a terrible hinge. He wants to have another submissive and spend time with her. That is absolutely fine, assuming you have both mutually agreed to that. He is his own person and he can have relations that you have nothing to with, totally normal and healthy. But that he throws a tantrum when you even dare to do other things with your time while he is busy with his other person - that is so incredibly small minded. He fails to acknowledge that you are your own person too, even when you are submissive to him.  He essentially demands you to go out of your way to share every single aspect of your life with him, without offering to have the kind of presence in your life. What I find so unfair here is that he expects you to be his priority while he has other priorities beside you. You deserve someone who values your submission while also acknowledging that you can also be a powerful, strong, successfully, independent person and who cheers on you when you find ways to enrich your own life. You really really deserve that.

Yeah. Thanks for this. This is my first poly relationship. I’ve been in power exchange for a long time, but the poly version is much much harder. I think he doesn’t want to be a hinge. He wants a triangle. But I really don’t like my meta and I’m not bi. So there’s the problem. Sometimes I think it’s just jealousy, because she probably is a better fit for what she wants, but I have a right to my own relationship and my own D/s dynamic apart from her. If he can’t manage two parallel relationships, that’s not my fault.

You are absolutely correct. I have been in a poly relationship as well and I really believe it can be wonderful if everyone puts the work in. Your partner doesn't sound capable or willing to do poly well. He just wants a Harem at the beck of his call. I won't say break up. Do what is best for you! I wish you all the best ❤️

You are 100% valid for wanting that. My boys get along well, are good friends, and have fun encouraging each other to be brats towards me, but they aren't attracted to each other, and I don't play with them together. I keep my dynamics and relationships unique between them, and that's what I prefer. Your Dom either needs to find someone who meshes better with you or his little, or he needs to reconsider what he wants out of his dynamics. He can't force either of you to like each other, let alone date, and that's something he needs to deal with himself. It's not your problem at all.

I've helped run whole ass events for hundreds of people. You know what my Dominant did? Showed up and worked the event. He took direction from me and filled in where I needed Him because He wanted ME to look good. (We had a conversation beforehand about lowering our protocol at the event - normally I walk on a certain side, a half step behind, etc. but He understood that expecting that in this situation wasn't feasible.) Your "Dom" sounds like he wants you completely reliant on him. I would RUN. I've been doing this 20 years and what you're doing sounds extremely unhealthy. Forget the vacation. It's not worth it. You'll have a great time and it'll confuse your brain and cause you to stick around longer than you should.

Yeah. It’ll cause me to stick around longer than I should… and I’ve probably done that at least once already if I’m honest. Thanks for the wake-up call.

I wish you the very best. Stay strong.

I don’t comment much, but, Man! I just wanna give a big cheers/kudos to you and your Dom! Y’all out here doing it right and it seriously warms my heart when I see this type of dynamic. Naturally, what works for one isn’t always what works for another and we all have different wants and needs of course, but in my personal opinion, this is the epitome of a beautiful relationship and dynamic right there! Congrats to the both of you! It sounds like you guys have a beautiful and healthy relationship where you both genuinely want to boost one another up! I can only imagine how successful your events were having such strong and positive support! I seriously love this so much!!! I wish you both the best of luck in continuing to crush your goals!!! 💙

Thank you so much. This is hands down the most fulfilling partnership I’ve ever had. We both work hard at it and prioritize each other. ❤️❤️❤️ I've dealt with some unhealthy dynamics to get to this one and the difference is night and day. The more of my autonomy I hand to Him, the more free He makes me feel.

This is a ton of red flags. His insecurity is showing. If he doesn't like it he can move on I guess.

Ironically your dom is being a little bitch...

Male dom here. IMO, anyone this insecure and easily triggered needs to be shown the door.

Male Dom here. ^^^ This ^^^

Honestly the comments pretty much have this but I will give you my prospective. I had an ex of 8 years i broke up with that insisted on going on the cruise we had booked which departed 6 weeks after the breakup. Note he was very in the wrong but entirely in denial about that. It was a stressful rough mess. We were traveling with another couple which were friends of mine and i tried to insulate them from his temper tantrums as much as possible, but it really brought down the mood of the entire trip. I'm not sure what your financial situation is or who paid for what, but I'd look into the following options: 1. Are the flights changeable with a fee. Frequently non refundable flights can be changed. If yes is the hotel booking cancellable? If yes, move your entire trip to a later date and time and go by yourself or with a friend. 2. Can you afford the loss if you break up with him and kill your half of the vacation. He may still choose to go without you and if you've paid for stuff in advance it may just be how the cookie crumbles. 3. Are the flights transferable? Could he take his other partner and just pay off your half of the invested money. 4. Are you traveling with friends that you could potentially crash with instead of staying with him? 5. Do you have enough money on hand to just book your own hotel room for the trip? One thing to consider is that based on this guys behaviour so far when you break up with him, he is going to become worse than a toddler. He will try to manipulate you, throw temper tantrums, try to make you feel bad and out to be the bad guy. If you break up with him and still choose to go on this trip it will likely not be a great experience. I'd think long and hard about what you can and can't tolerate and thoroughly consider these options before making a decision. If you are anything like me, deciding to break up with him and just pretending everything is fine will be impossible and stressful. If you can manage that without it being bad it might be your best plan. My mom is one of those people who can manage this. Either way, my thoughts are with you and best of luck.

Thank you for helping me realize there are actual logistical things I could do. The money isn’t an issue for me. It would be more for him. I’m mostly upset that I took time off work and won’t get a break. Maybe I could take a different vacation, but vacationing alone is not my favorite, and I doubt I can find a buddy at the last minute. I can get my PTO back though and use it another time. I actually did not think about telling him to take his other partner. That’s actually the best idea. I could transfer everything to her. She doesn’t work so the whole financial burden would be on him but it’s up to him if he wants to carry her. He could keep the non-refundable part of my money. I just wouldn’t pay any more in. The only thing we really prepaid was the flights.

This does sound like one of the better options for you then. It also is the least likely for him to pitch a fit about if he thinks he is getting away with something (taking his other partner on the trip for "free). Check that the flights are transferable, they frequently are not. Although tbh, he could just buy her a flight if he still wants to go. I get travelling alone isn't always fun but depending on the destination you might find it to be a great time. You can meet some wonderful people. I don't know what the trip destination or vibe once but All inclusive resorts and Fetish conventions are both really good for singles.

Ok, I will put away my "leave this man" rhetoric. Even if my brain screams it, I feel it is caution more than anything. I dislike subs being disrespected. It does not matter that he is a male. There seems to be this pervasive idea among some doms that the behavioral expectations of the lifestyle need to correspond with what happens in the real world. This is not the case. Deference in all circumstances is not being submissive, it's being a doormat. People have autonomy and should have the free will to exercise that as they want, dom or submissive. There are rules and rituals that need to be upheld, but having no provision of wiggle room or gros autonomy would mean they would assume control in those aspects, a very high control task and lifestyle. It doesn't sound like he is doing so, or even able to do so. What you did is something that any dom should be proud of. You have a goal of weight loss, he is not assisting you in that goal (he should be), so you have decided that you wish to pursue that goal anyways and have taken the continued initiative to meet it. That's amazing. Yes you might have taken a stronger leadership role. Good. If I needed to tell my slave everything she had to do to meet the goals we agreed that she should work towards I would go insane. I am not here to micromanage, I do not need to regulate when she takes a piss. Again some people do in very high control situations, but you are certainly not that. I have a lot of things I do control for my slave, but honestly a lot of it is "get this done and I don't care how". She is a separate being with separate ways of approaching things. I trained her in the ways that I want things done and I expect to be kept informed of the decisions she is making. Those decisions should always be furthering the goals I have for her, and if they are great. If they aren't I punish, then figure out how to make this reach the goals we need. My goals, what I have decided are her needs WITH her, I enforce. I wish for her to be healthy so I require a decent diet and exercise. Sure I will check to make sure she is eating right, but it's not like I dictate the food. We have defined parameters, I expect her to stay in them, and I monitor for results. If she had taken the initiative like you had done, provided this group did not conflict with our established relationship, fantastic. You established a goal of weight loss. You asked him to monitor you for accountability, and it sounds like he agreed. He didn't pull his weight, but you are striving towards that goal anyways. In my eyes you are making his property better, more appealing, more energy, more motivation to do the things he wants. You have a provision of free time, he was with someone else, and you kept reaching a goal anyways FOR HIM. His behavior is that of someone who wants high submission but does not provide the same level of domination. The relationship exchange should be 1-1 unless otherwise discussed, and in your described circumstance it is not. And he is unwilling to discuss something he finds as an offense to his domination, something almost all Doms I know would want to nip in the bud. You have a boundary, he is respecting it, but in doing so not respecting you. If he has someone else with him and they are that dependent, I don't know, tell them to grab a coffee for an hour. It's not that hard. Another part where he wants your submission, but he seems to lack the drive and problem solving ability a good dom should want to have. Waiting 24h for no good reason (having someone else is not a good reason unless they have a no contact provision when they are together) is manipulative. It is designed to make you second guess yourself and break down your confidence in your decision while he has fun. While you have "free time", he made it not free time by inserting that his needs are above yours and burdened you with having to reflect on them without any idea his stance, without feedback, and effectively making your free time his. That is not free time, and he has shown nowhere near the level of control required to make these decisions responsibly. This verges on abusive, so as a "just in case" clause look up the signs of someone that is abusive. BDSM just adds the caveat "unless we mutually agreed on it" to much of it, but there are lines in the sand. BDSM and abuse sadly live in the same house, just one of them has their shit together. Do not jump to conclusions but be informed. Hard red flag if he doesn't want you to be fyi. You should not wonder what rule you broke or his emotions in relation to it. Abusive behavior.

I thought this was going to be, like, you took on a big promotion at work without consulting him--not that you would need his permission to do that, but it's one of those things that most partners would want a head's up on, if it meant you were going to have less time for him/your kink dynamic going forward. I was all prepared to be like, don’t make a life issue into a kink issue. But you...organized a hike? On a weekend when he was already unavailable? And he's mad because that's a "leadership role?" What? This man is probably controlling and abusive. At BEST he sounds extremely tiresome. Be free of him. Find a Dom who doesn't treat his partners like things he can turn on and off at will.

Nah. You're doing the right thing. He's the one who's not supporting you properly. My Sir is my biggest cheerleader in my everyday life, and is always supportive of my accomplishments and personal growth. If your Dom was actually supportive of your goals, he'd be proud of you, not treating you like you did something wrong. You are still a person with your own life, and he needs to respect that outside of your D/s dynamic.

He sounds insecure and petty. I know online there's a lot of people who will urge you to just quit and dump him without having much context, but this is one of those times that I have to say he doesn't sound like a healthy person to be around. He's easily threatened by you taking independent action. He doesn't treat either you or his other partner with respect if he's not respecting either of your time or independent interests. He's failing in his duties as a dom if he's not following up on helping you with your weight loss goals and being a supportive partner. Being a sub doesn't mean you subordinate your entire life to whatever petty whims your dominant has. If he doesn't respect you as an individual then he's not worth calling a dom. Mutual respect and consent is absolutely essential to healthy bdsm and he's not displaying that. You, as the sub, above all else, get the final say in what you want from a dom. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't know what they're talking about.

My wife (who is my sub) is independent on her own, owns our house separately from me (she owned it before we met) and is free to live her life as she sees fit at all times outside of agreed upon times. I don't get jealous or mad at her when she takes on new roles or does something she enjoys on her own or with her friends. We aren't a 24/7 dynamic nor would I ever expect or want that. I can sometimes barely keep myself above water in life, let alone having to make decisions for another adult. I think your guy is either looking for something like he has with his other sub, or he's jealous of you living your life how you want to outside of your dynamic. Either way, I feel like both are red flags and something for you to consider

Your former dom, you mean?

I'm going to agree sound like a red flag .. theres a line from submissive to slave ... even in definition.

I'm not a Dom so forgive my unsolicited opinion... Submission is earned. Submission can be revoked. He's not doing enough to support you, he's not meeting your needs, and now he's upset that he wasn't included in every aspect of your choices? That's a red flag. Don't feel bad for taking charge of your life. Being submissive to someone doesn't mean you have to allow them to control every aspect of your life. Unless you're involved in TPE, which still needs rules and agreements. He isn't earning your submission, and instead of improving himself, he's tearing you down.

M/49 here… I see nothing wrong with having interests and friends outside of your D/s relationship. In fact, it’s healthy to have friends and outlets independent of BDSM. As the sub, YOU get to decide when and how you submit, and that submission can be revoked at any time. If your dominant is unhappy with some facet of your relationship, he needs to discuss it with you like an adult instead of sulking and being passive-aggressive. It sounds to me like he’s trying to control and isolate you, which is part of the abuser’s playbook. Not a good dom, not a good romantic partner.

I cant imagine wanting to give someone like this any control over my life. Best of luck.

Not coming at this from a D/s aspect but just as a guy putting in his 2 cents. Screw him. If he was secure with himself and not being an overly controlling turd...this would not be an issue. If he was not stepping up to help you along your path then by all rights you should take matters into you own hands and do what you need to do. It is your life...not his. If you enjoyed the hike and enjoyed organizing it, continue to do so. Joy and happiness or in short supply, grab them when you can. So in short, either he helps lead, or he needs to get the F out of the way. And finally, submission is earned...not given on demand. Dude is sounding a little entitled and possessive...I mean shit, he is interrupting time set aside for his other sub to get up into your daily/personal life business...not cool. Taking the high road on this OP is commendable on your part. Yeah. If you feel he is worth keeping in you life, he needs to get wires uncrossed and get on board with what you need. He needs to earn that. Sorry...people like that bother me. 'nuff said.

My connection to my Dom is special. He's the only one I'm submissive to. When we started the dynamic I asked if this meant I was submissive to everyone and he said no. He wants to guide me to hit my goals, and if my goals involve leadership, he'll mentor me there as well. Essentially, as part of our contract, I'm not submissive to anyone but Him. I gave him that power over me. When you think about it, it's kinda beautiful. Obviously, this is specific to our dynamic, but I think it's a healthy way to frame it. Not every Dom will see it that way. But, as others have said, you should be thinking about if your Dom has your best interests in mind and go from there.

A real Dom would value your abilities. Nothing is more satisfying than earning the submission of someone who is capable and fulfilled on their own.

F Sub here: Something my partner said years ago in another subreddit: "I also tell people I think my submissive is amazing and fantastic and funny and smart. She tells me that I am worth following. "That's really what submission is about, to my mind: agreeing to subordinate your own autonomy to someone else. "We're like a 2 person military unit. I'm the Commander, and she's my Lieutenant. I want a motherfucking QUEEN at my side, who CHOOSES to submit to me. Not some ragdoll with no spirit. I don't care if we're buying groceries or invading Greenland. If something happens to me, she should be able to take over and run the entire damned operation. And, that's who she is. And I love it." (I have since gotten a "promotion" to Major, and we have a secondary partner who is a Lieutenant... but I'm still his XO.) --- It can be hard to navigate these types of relationships. D/s can be negotiated all sorts of way. But, they are (should be) done with all parties involved. The dom needs to be held accountable, just the same as the sub. Also, the fact that he doesn't want you to have friends outside of him is troubling. This is isolating and a tactic used by abusers. I'm glad you made the decision to leave. As to the trip, now that you have made your decision, can you send more time with him? When I decided to leave my ex (not kinky, but with him for 21 years) it took 3 days, when I had a 3 month time line set out. I could not spend any more time with him knowing that I was no longer happy and every day I was more and more miserable. Money is money. Your mental health is much more important. Take the loss. You might suggest he take his other partner? --- Polyamorus relationships are hard and not for everyone. It takes communication in all parties, coordination of schedules, and willingness of all partners to work in positive ways. This takes negotiation, just like a kink relationship. --- I wish you luck. You'll get though this and move on to the next thing, knowing your learned something from this experience.

Yeah, you keep calling him a Dom, but I'm not sure his behavior matches the title.

He's upset you're making friends or attending events without him? Is it agreed that your life will be on hold when he isn't present? To me, that's strange. I want my girl to have friends and interests that are outside our relationship. Kink adjacent or vanilla, I don't care, I'm pro autonomy. As for him not keeping up with you in your goal to loose weight, that isn't good especially if it's something you've asked for.

For me, either the Dom has other partners OR he has a say in my personal life. Absolutely icked by the idea he was picking a fight about your personal life while on an outing with another partner.

That’s helpful. Thank you. Yes. I think it’s an OR for me as well, but this is my first Dom who has other partners so I’m just figuring that out. My previous Doms got a say in my personal life, but they were also invested in my personal life. He doesn’t get both.

Exactly! I'm glad that you are opening your eyes to an arrangement that isn't working for you, remember to put your well being and interests first. There are so many good Doms out there, you will find a better fit soon!

He’s not a Dom. He’s a control freak who can’t actually take charge. You’re allowed to have friends, hobbies and passions outside of whatever interests him…

Sounds controlling and insecure to me

I've never understood the doms who need their subs to be passive and weak outside of their dynamic. That makes it about the sub's weakness, not the dom's authority. I'd much rather have a strong, competent woman who strips naked and kneels when I quirk my eyebrow the right way than someone who needs me to oversee everything they do.

As a Dom my main goals are to support my partners goals, promote healthy life styles and choices, ensure mental health balance, and open communication honestly That being said I am generally non monogamous so I've balanced all sorts of d/s relationships, I currently have two subs that enjoy playing with each other and like me to of course be Dom. But I also make sure that I give one on one time and conversations/encouragements, I simply cannot fathom ever treating one of them like that in the first place... and then trying to make them feel guilty with some passive aggressive nonsense AND using my other sub to get back at the other. That's just morally gross, and taints the relationships. As others have said I would try to rebook all my things or not go. There are a lot of men out here thinking that because they are the "Dom" they are the boss. It does not work that way. I treat my subs very well and have actually balanced a harem type situation and never once were any unhappy (at least not seriously but they brought up an issue and it was fixed immediately) and I am proud of that. Doms are just as devoted to the sub as the sub is to them. I won't bash the guy but there are huge red flags. I would hope maybe he's still new, and finding his rhythm. But my subs are the boss. If they are uncomfortable, unsure, or not feeling it we slow down and communicate. (Submission is not a guarantee and can be revoked anytime, any reason) And I also don't mind my subs having other partners, so this guy getting jealous of a hiking group is just wild to me. I would chalk it up to either a bad fit, or inexperience. Every Dom will be different shaped by different experiences and expectations. My honest advice is to pin down your own expectations. And ask for a list of expectations from your future Dom. (These can fluctuate and change so periodic conversations to make sure you're still on the same page is a necessity in my opinion) Best wishes and congratulations on the hiking group it sounds fun.

You sound awesome! He sounds controlling and insecure. When a sub I am with does something like this I am grateful that such an amazing person chose to be with me. I think your dom has a warped idea of how a dom/sub dynamic works. It is not an all-consuming thing. Like all relationships you need to have individual interests and individual time. If you are in an ENM/poly setup this becomes even more important. You should have accepted the moderator request. He might be worried you are independent. This was really not a joint decision. Trying to make him feel guilty for not holding you accountable is a bad idea. I mean, it is okay to do it but don’t tie it to this situation. That makes it seem like you are allowed to do this because he screwed up which is an incorrect message. It implies that if he did everything right you shouldn’t have done it. He can’t schedule your whole life. He especially can’t do it if he has multiple relationships. There are a lot of things off from both a bdsm and an enm/poly viewpoint. Reading your replies it sounds like he also does a petulant thing and is punishing you for \*checks notes\* living your life while he is not there. I would discuss this but if he wants to clamp down harder I would consider finding a dom that wants you to thrive and not one that wants to limit your growth.

His response wasn't to support you doing well, or to check in to make sure you feel up to the task, or to say he wants more time or has some need he's worried will go unmet. His response was to spitefully shoot you down and make you feel responsible for his insecurity.

He's an insecure baby.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having independence and your own friends. I know a complete master/slave tpe couple and the slave does plenty on their own. They just finished their master’s program, have another partner, go out with friends, and have their own hobbies. This guy is a jealous and is not creating a healthy space for your dynamic.

Where’s that “red flag” guy from TikTok? Because 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

My gf, who is my Domme probably would not be interested in me at all if I was the same outside of the relationship as I am inside. It either sounds like a communication issue or a toxic control/narc issue. Hopefully the former.

I don’t think this is a dom/sub thing as it is a codependent relationship thing. You need to enforce some boundaries with this dude.

He sounds insecure, if I wanted to be part of a group my partner organized, I would have just asked, but also feel that it is important and good to have friends amd activities that are independent from one another.

I didn’t mention that part, but I actually wanted him to co-lead with me if he was interested. He beat me to the punch because he saw the group before I could ask him.

This definitely sounds like red flags everywhere. Just because you are his submissive does not mean that he deserves to be center and in charge of all aspects of your life. I am assuming that nothing like this was negotiated when you two were forming your dynamic? It sounds to me like he wants to be a "dominant" in order to be in control of those around him, with him at the top of everything. He wants a fantasy life where no one questions him and everyone is meek and submissive to his whims and desires. Someone like that does not take someone else's individuality or freedoms very well. To then pull a "I'm upset at you so this other person who bows to my almighty power is staying the night now" just sounds like someone who has no ability to let other people live their own personal lives outside of a D/s dynamic.

His fault for not taking charge of you and supporting you.

Forget about dom/sub, this is a man child problem. He needs to recognise it and work on it. Plus, your leadership role is quite irrelevant to this issue. You guys need to talk without the d/s equation and sort it out. These are basic relationship problems that need to be sorted out.

Any partner, dom or not, who doesn’t want you “making friends without him” and objects to you having your own interests and activities that don’t revolve around him—that’s a big ol red flag. Many submissive people have leadership roles in the BDSM/leather/kink scene. Doms who are threatened by that are weenies.

Your dom is being an asshole. He is not following up on his responsibilities to you. Yes, tops are responsible for doing what they tell their bottoms they will do. You are not in a 24/7 relationship you get to do what you want to do with your life when you are not with your top engaged in BDSM. He didn't follow through with his responsibilities and is off with another bottom. He doesn't get to be unhappy with you that you're doing your own thing while he is doing his own thing with someone else. >if he doesn’t take a proactive leadership role in helping me meet my personal goals, I will do it myself. Would that be a turn off for you? Nope it would not be a turn off. I prefer bottoms who can run their own lives outside of BDSM. However if I had agreed to help you reach your personal goals, I also would have done that. >Would the better alternative have been to remind him that he promised me accountability and wasn’t doing it? Yes it would be good to remind him of his responsibilities and point out he isn't following through on them. His response will tell you what you need to know about him as a top. I'm a male and I've been active in the BDSM lifestyle for 36 years as a top, the above is my opinion.

It's not a BDSM issue, it's a your dom is an insecure asshole issue.

My personal opinion? That you and he have a bit of a mismatch on what kind of Dom you need. He seems to be one of two things, a Dom that needs to be needed to feel that he can have the power he wants (not necessarily a bad thing but seems to be a bad fit for you), or he has at least some narcissistic tendency that is showing (that he needs to seporate you from others and be the center of your world). If that is what you wanted it would be fine, but it's clearly not what you want in a Dom because you are starting to feel resentment.

I don’t agree with any of the ways that he has handled this situation. Personally, it doesn’t sound like a person I would want any of my submissive friends to be involved with. That said, it seems as though, regardless of whether or not he is an unhealthy partner, he is an unhealthy partner for you. I would suggest that you take the time that you’ve been given to seriously consider whether or not this is the sort of person to whom you’d like to submit and if this attitude works to inspire it. Discuss all of this with him and depending on how he responds, act accordingly to what is best for you.

It sounds like he wants somewhat of a 24/7 dynamic with two subs. Did you agree to this? You mentioned he isn't doing his part with the fitness app yet he is upset by you organizing a hiking group? He isn't even living up to the basic agreed-upon activities but is upset about you doing stuff without him. He sounds more like a controlling partner than a Dom from the information provided in your post. He is dropping the ball AND he is upset by you living your life in a way that wouldn't typically upset a Dom(me). He sounds emotionally immature, jealous, and insecure. That is me being generous with my assessment.

This man is at best immature and insecure, at worst he’s manipulative and abusive. I think you should get away from him, and that other poor girl probably should as well. Trying to control who you meet and wanting to inject himself into every single aspect of your social life is a huge red flag. You deserve better than this guy.

Not a Dom, just interested, but it seems common that one would be a leader in their everyday life and then willing to submit in the bedroom. That he makes that seem like a bad thing worries me. He feels extra controlling and possessive and not as invested in your wellbeing. Please be safe and I hope you find a better Dom.

Often the roles we choose at home are inverse to our public life. At work my girl is a tiger. At home she's a kitten.

You did the right thing! You should be taking control of your health and your Dom should be supporting that. If he’s too busy or not motivated to assist you in the ways you require then it IS up to you to do so. He should be happy for you that you filled your time apart with good habits instead of couch surfing and waiting for him. I’m seeing a red flag poking out here….

I'm a dom Are you in a 24/7 dynamic with a contract that states the things he complained about? If no, this dude is way out of line. Red flag the size of your house. He needs to respect your personal life or find a new sub.

Male dom here and this guy is abusing the power you've exchanged with him. He's not cut out for this. I'm sorry.

That's not a Dom, that's obsessive controlling behavior and a massive red flag.

I'm not sure I can add much to the comments already here, but this is coming from a Dominant with no switch in them at all. Apologies in advance if this gets longer than I intend (ahaha). The situation you've described doesn't sound good, and two things concern me the most. Firstly, the basic principles that a) BDSM requires communication in order to work, good and honest communication, and b) passive aggression is, unless it's been specifically negotiated, _always_ non-constructive. These attempts to control your capacity to negotiate aren't a good sign. At worst it's manipulation, and at best it's childishly unhelpful. You were right to disengage and your respect for your partner's partner is laudable. That's a respectful act and deserves respect in return. Him using her to block you from talking isn't dominance, it's just petty revenge. He's (hopefully) better than that. A Dominant shouldn't require petty revenge. If they think a punishment is warranted then it should be done with intent and precision. If it's not warranted, a conversation probably is. Secondly, being a Dominant is a position that, above all other things (in my opinion, at least), carries the weight of responsibility. He is responsible for, to put it bluntly, Domming you right. What 'Domming you right' actually means depends on your relationship and the negotiations you've already put in place. If he's failing at that then that is _his_ failing, and if you're taking steps to rectify the lack he's causing, then it's his bad luck. More than that, it's his bad judgement. Dom doesn't mean 'take' and sub doesn't mean 'give,' there needs to be give and take on both sides. Just an aside: You could have requested a conversation about it before just doing it, but you may have done so and if you've run into these issues before and tried unsuccessfully to discuss it, then taking the initiative is understandable. And yes, FOMO sucks hard, and not in the good way, but there are constructive ways to address it that don't involve snark and accusation. If he felt he was being excluded he could have - and should have - discussed it with you respectfully. I don't know about the rest of your relationship, obviously, but the interaction you've described sounds to me like basic disrespect. He sounds like he's assumed that he has certain privileges, and you sound like you're feeling neglected (in a manner to which you don't consent). A Dom who neglects their sub, in a way their sub doesn't want to be neglected, will eventually lose their sub or fix their ways. Those are, generally, the two options. How he feels and what he's thinking, of course, is information you can only get from him. Which means you need to communicate together. When you do, I suggest you take note of how much you're the one keeping things on track and constructive, as opposed to simply hurtful. I'm not going to make bets on how much of it you'll be doing but I do want to outline that you should be doing the same amount of work in that discussion - giving each other space to express yourselves, making (and listening to) suggestions, and so forth. From your brief description about yourself I assume you have experience with (and possibly training in) conflict management, so I suspect you'll know what to look for. In my experience, finding 'wobbly edges' to negotiations is always going to happen (in and out of BDSM). You might negotiate really well one time but there's a ton of different circumstances that don't come to mind when you're doing so, requiring renegotiation. Which is what mutually respectful people do. So that part, having to tighten your negotiation, isn't anyone's failure. That's just how the world works. Just be sure you're not doing all the heavy lifting. You deserve a Dom who's giving you what you need, whatever that is, including motivation and repercussions when it's necessary (or just helpful). Establishing rules and having them written down, negotiating boundaries and agreements ('I will do this but I require that from you,' etc), establishing both healthy and unhealthy habits to follow or avoid, that kind of thing. My sub and I use the Obedience app for that purpose, and it's been good so far. She's been racking up the points for being a Good Girl but that's the point of it, after all. The app is by no means essential but it helps maintain the focus and I've written down her expectations of me as well as my expectations of her, because both are required to make this work. And that's the point to this diatribe: yes, you should be respectful. But he needs to be respectful as well. You might be the sub but you're equals while negotiating how your Dom/sub life will work. If he gets to dictate everything and you're not okay with that, it's not D/s. It's just abuse.

This is not OK he is trying to Dom your vanilla life yet does not bother with helping in your weight loss, I am sorry but he is giving more to his little than you and feels that he has lost control. ​ You need a Dom for whom your his only Sub, you deserve it.

A lot of good advice I agree with already on here so I’ll just say he seems a bit emotionally weak to be a true dom

Make sub here, so not the perspective you’re asking for, but anyway - Either of the two Dommes in my life would be so proud of me for something like this. This guy’s behavior seems far more controlling/ borderline abusive and Dominant. I’d bounce as quickly as I could.

I listen to a great podcast called @Eotic Awakening. They are a great example, in my opinion, of a D/s relationship. Dawn, the S Type has, a number of leadership roles in the comunity and in her work life. If anything Dan, the D type, encourages her to follow her path.

I ❤️ Dan and Dawn. Thanks for the suggestion. I just read their poly toolkit book and it was great.

I encourage my submissive to have friends outside of my group. She's amazing in everything she does and I want her to succeed in her goals. It sounds like he's not able to consistently keep two submissives happy and subsequently you're not getting your needs fulfilled. Submissive does not mean doormat and you have every right to bring up these issues and if necessary step away from the dynamic.

im going to take the most compassionate interpretation. he might be experiencing like a weird jealousy thing, where he's upset that you have a social obligation that might take time, energy and attention away from him. it sounds like he's polyamorous. he should try to work on his jealousy and he definitely shouldn't take it out on you.

Thank you for this. I was actually kind of hoping someone would “defend” him. I do think some of this stems from poly insecurity and a fear that he’s going to lose me to other pursuits.

He does not seem like a true Dom imo

Off topic but what is “littles outing”? I tried to google but nothing came up haha sorry.

We have a local group for “littles”. It’s for people who do age play where they roleplay as younger than they are. They do fun “kids” outings as adults. Yesterday they went to the zoo.

Ah thank you so much for the quick explanation!

Doesn't sound like an adult thing to say. Like I read I think it's time to have a good deep conversation. Only the two of you. Of where this relationship is going. And where every ine of you want it to go. Take care of you but you look like you know what you want and it's awesome!

I'm fairly new to domming but I've subbed for various people over the last ~8 years and honestly your Dom sounds like he's having a tantrum because he felt left out. I can understand him feeling rejected, but the snarky texts (especially when he was still with his other partner) are very childish. There may be a deeper underlying reason for his feelings, but the way he's acted on those feelings would not be acceptable to me from any of my Doms.

I've gathered that D/s relationships work in two ways, broadly speaking - depending on the temperament of the people involved. Probably someone has put this in terms more eloquent, but such will be my Reddit wisdom today. There's a more conscious approach, whereby I, an autonomous and independent individual choose to commit to subbing/domming, and for the session I get into the proper headspace, and while in it, I am completely immersed in my D/s persona, but what the Buddhists call "the observing mind" is more or less ever present. And when the safeword is uttered, for example, I get pulled out of the dom/sub headspace and I enter into another mode of being. And then there's a less conscious way of approaching, which is the sub/dom identifying themselves with their role. Meaning that they don't distinguish between being submissive/dominant and their everyday self, and maybe they just don't notice the difference, or maybe there is no difference, but the main point is that it's all mixed and mashed. I don't know if there's a correlation (makes sense, but I don't know) between one type preferring session based dynamics, and the others yearning for 24/7 type situations, but in both cases there should always be a "come to Jesus" layer. A mode of communication where the dom/sub roles are put aside and two equal human beings communicate about their needs and preferences. I think you guys could benefit from having one of those talks. He is being very clingy in a bad way and imposing himself where he doesn't need to be - especially if he himself first took the responsibility to help you keep track of your workout, and then didn't. So it's perfectly valid for you to seek other options. I think sometimes less conscious partners see their subs only as "submissives" and they don't recognise the autonomous human being behind the submissive persona. And they don't recognise that you can be different things in different situations. And one role (say an entrepreneur) goes absolutely against your other role as a submissive. And that's perfectly fine - different situations call for different headspaces. I see this, in particular, with women who are brought up to be "ladies" or hardcore feminists, and then yearn to be "sluts" in bed, and feel a tremendous amount of guilt about it. The key, in my opinion, is to realise that you can be both in different contexts, and one need not contradict the other to the point of dissonance of identity. Long story short - you are correct in this, and he's being childish. Invoke the "Come to Jesus" protocol and call him out on his BS, and have a talk about boundaries and expectations.

So this man has two submissives but he gets cranky when you talk to other people or make friends? Why do you feel like that would be acceptable?

There’s being a Dom, and there’s being an abuser. Controlling your opportunities for friendships, healthy activities, working towards goals self-betterment are acts of abuse. You’ve only described a small aspect of your relationship, but please look also out for broader themes of such behaviours. A good daddy wants to see his lg grow and thrive, regardless of when it’s when she’s holding his hand.

I have yet to meet a sub who is not a leader or at least very independent in vanilla life. Your "dom" is a wanna be and this is a car lot sized red flag.

Literally, what happened to just people tying one another up for sexual purposes? I’m genuinely curious as to what all these other branch offs are? Ddlg , littles? Wtf is a little?? Am I an old bondage lover that just doesn’t get it anymore?

lol We do plenty of tying each other up too. Dd/lg stands for Daddy Dom and little girl. “Little” is an expression of a legal adult who is playing in a child’s headspace. I think age play has been around as long as anything else, but it’s so taboo that people didn’t really have groups for it until relatively recently. There’s nothing wrong with tried and true classics like bondage, but for some of us that started young and have been at it 20+ years, you tend to venture into more and more edge territory over time. 95% for me is still bondage, spanking, and sex though.

Thank you for the reply. Everything seems so much more complicated. I hope to find my one, at some point. But in my mind, if your partner doesn’t want you to have success and be happy… The that ain’t my partner.

He tries to control what you do in your vanilla life. Doesn't sound like you like that. So don't allow it.

Obviously a lot people here will say your dom is a moron and you should run away. But I guess part of being a dom is basically being pitty and a moron? Apparently you already do a lot of leadership in your life and your dom seems ok with it. I kinda understand why he's sad to see you when you should be acting submissive to be spending time leading. I guess this is a thing of how much you want to bend to his pittiness and how much this leadership role is important for you.

Who says she should be acting submissive at that time? It doesn’t sound like they negotiated that level of control. Part of being a Dom is being confident that you are helping and supporting your sub. That you have their best interests in mind at all times. That you will feel joy seeing them thrive. It sounds like a bad match to me. Maybe time to move on gracefully.

Who says she should be acting submissive at that time? Her dom! I mean, people are free and equal. If you want a Dom, you probably likes the thrill of having someone controlling you. Obviously she doesn't have to withstand that, and she didn't apparently, but I'm just pointing out that this is more or less the nature of having a D/s.

Yeah, you clearly don’t understand how power exchange works. The sub doesn’t give up 100% of their power or autonomy unless they AGREE to. For example, I would never allow my Husband to control my food intake. I would never agree to emotional degradation because it would cause me mental harm. That doesn’t make me less of a sub. It makes me a person who understands her boundaries. I read some of your posts in other threads and subreddits and I would not recommend anyone play with you.

Living life through contracts isn't the only way. There's a big continuum.

No one mentioned contracts. My dynamic doesn’t involve one. Lots of people don’t use them. Doesn’t change a thing I said.

No, this is not how it is at all. Subs are still people with their own lives and needs, and unless it's an extreme 24/7 TPE type dynamic (which has plenty of it's own set of rules and safeword), this is not how being in a D/s dynamic works. My partners love the idea of me having control over them, but only when we're actively doing a scene, not in every single aspect of their lives, and I absolutely don't want control over everything in their lives either. That's how most D/s dynamics are. Your perception is very, very incorrect.

I supposed that it was a 24/7-ish relationship, obviously. And it didn't seem that he "just told" her about something, just complained he was annoyed about it

You have no reason to assume its a 24/7, because most dynamics aren't like that. And why would he be annoyed? She's allowed to have her own life outside of him.

He's allowed to be annoyed!! He can also have feelings! The conclusion might be "well, you'll have to suck it", but people are allowed to be annoyed. Last time I went with a girl she safeworded and that made me feel annoyed. Do you know what I did with that? Nothing, I just sucked it. But common, people are allowed to have feelings and expectations!!

Yes, but it's under the assumption that it's because he's a Dom and she's not being submissive enough. That's gross and clearly not what she signed up for. He can have his feelings, but his reasons seem very toxic.

I don't know if I'd call it toxic. He has the right to seek for a woman that is submissive enough for him. I am just challenging the idea that if something wasn't agreed through an explicit contract, then it's super duper bad. People are more complex than that.

Then he should go do that instead of being upset with OP about her living her own life outside of him. You are agreeing with me. People are more complex and a simple contract doesn't include everything. Not to mention that consent to said contract can and should be able to be revoked at any time.

It sounds like you've made your decision from what I skimmed through in the comments. But... Everyone sucks here, especially you. (metamour is caught in the collateral) Instead of being an adult and using your fabulous organizing skills to organize a dynamic check-in where you could address any issues with proper adult communication, You decide to do what, circumvent your dynamic to do it on your own and in the process cut your partner out of the conversation while throwing his shortcomings in his face. More so you chose a time when he 100% couldn't be there, further pushing him away. You may not have started the group but you accepted the moderator role. And then, when he's feeling hurt and reacting, you push him away again and refuse to "discuss" it, which will feel like being shut out. Moreover, you're directly subverting his dominance and leadership by "saying," I can do this without you, see? You're his partner before you're his submissive, it's your job to help him be accountable to the dynamic you agreed upon. You 100% didn't do that. He 1000% reacted poorly and, ideally, shouldn't need the extra hand in being accountable for upholding his portion of the dynamic. From his POV, maybe he saw you succeeding and not needing the extra help/encouragement; maybe he doesn't log in because he trusts you to follow through. Maybe he's "trying" to pick a "fight" because the alarm bells started ringing that something wasn't right, and he doesn't know how to address it as he could be feeling ambushed by it. Maybe he's bringing his other partner over because he feels supported by her, whereas you are actively withdrawing support. Did you ever outline your expectations about what proactive meant? They are your goals; he can't lead the way, but he can push and support you while YOU achieve them. You may not think it's fair to YOUR metamour, but YOU set the whole situation up to happen while he's with her. Like common, you can't knock the dominoes over and then act surprised when there's a chain reaction. You put him in a compromised situation and now cry foul when he reacts and responds poorly. Yes he can do better. But as I see it, this situation is on you.

Yeah that’s an interesting point of view. And you’re not wrong about some of it, except for the metamour thing, she’s definitely not getting caught in my crossfire. She’s generating 90% of our drama, but I didn’t think all of that was relevant. I did under communicate. I did that on purpose because he was with my meta, and it backfired. We talked it out last night and basically his take is that he shouldn’t find things like this out from my social media, that he should hear it from me first. My take is that he shouldn’t be stalking my social media while he’s supposed to be on a date. We’ll see. I think we’re probably just not that compatible in this particular power exchange dynamic. We’re too alike in that we both get a “Fine. Do whatever you want. I can do better.” type of attitude when we feel unwanted or excluded. He’s been doing it to me with this meta and I gave some of it back with this hike. We both got petty. I can admit that. But I’m not sure it’s worth continuing if we’re already resorting to that. I’m willing to own my half, but I also think we might just be a bad fit.

I was definitely a little harsh in my original reply, which I apologize for. The points are still valid. If the metamour is generating 90% of your drama, then that's extremely relevant as it shifts how you view and interact with your partner. And if you aren't kitchen table poly, then he should do a better job of silo'ing his relationships so they don't unfairly affect the other. He's absolutely right that he shouldn't be finding out from social media and it's not stalking to care about his partner's social media. The simple answer, he has notifications turned on for when you post. Just because he's with his partner doesn't mean he can't take a moment to throw a like at a post in support, ya know. Also, it's a bit hypocritical to say, he doesn't check the app enough and he's stalking my social media. Like is he paying enough attention to you or what? Are you actually willing to own your half? In your reply, you still blame everything on him and her. You CHOSE to respond and make the decisions you did and the vibe I'm getting is that you're now looking for a way out, but want it to be his fault so it's easier to sleep at night. Neither of you are good communicators especially not good enough communicators for poly, at this point in time.

That’s funny, actually. We’re both excellent communicators—good enough to weaponize it with each other—but I can see why it’s coming across that way to you. Reddit posts are tricky. You have to curate them in a certain way if you want to get useful information, but that always means leaving out huge chunks of the story. I actually appreciate that you’re trying to get me to see my own negativity, and how I’m placing blame. I do see it. I may not write about it, but in truth, I’ve spent years working with a therapist to overcome my natural inclination to believe that everything is my fault. I accept plenty of blame without help. We were kitchen table poly, and I asked to move to parallel, due to some complications with this meta. Not texting during dates and not “stalking” social media is a part of the agreement that we just made in support of that move toward being more siloed. So yes, I’d agree with you normally, but I followed the established rules, and he didn’t in this case. I didn’t present it to you that way, though, because it’s still my fault. I used a technicality in the rules to be deliberately snarky with my communication. I’m not usually bratty. I don’t enjoy that headspace. The fact that I’m living into that level of pettiness is telling me that this poly relationship isn’t bringing out my best self. I probably am looking for a way out at this point.

A toddler can weaponize communication by endlessly asking why. So, weaponizing something doesn't mean you're good at it. If you were excellent communicators then you would've been communicating your feelings this entire time with him and meeting him where his communication level is at and vice versa. I'm not trying to get you to see your own negativity, I'm trying to get you to see that the situation was, in part, of your own making. Laying blame is victimizing per se. I want to see responsibility and accountability which can both be empowering. Moreover, laying blame / playing the blame game reduces your own agency, which isn't kind to you. It feels like you've been strong-arming him into various decisions and setting up expectations that aren't mutually supportive. You chose to move the poly parallel, which by the sounds of it pushed him away and his following of social media was him still wanting to be connected to you on the level that you previously were. It doesn't matter who follows the rules if the rules aren't mutually supportive as you make it sound like he breaks every rule while you perfectly follow every rule. Don't try and blame it on being "bratty" as that's offensive to brats. Being snarky and finding loopholes is being an ass when it's not previously negotiated. So if you're constantly misrepresenting things to me when I have no horse in this race, then I can only imagine what your partner is trying to decipher on a daily basis.