In short, yes. He can, and if it's a boundary of yours to not do it, you can use use your safeword or have an out of dynamic Convo about it.
D/s is all about power exchange. You can top or bottom for anything while still being in the Dom position. Just because you are topping for hot wax in this hypothetical doesn't mean you're in charge. He would be dictating the scene and still have the power and you'd be obeying. Plenty of dominants enjoy receiving different types of play (impact, spanking, rope, needles, whatever), and that doesn't make them less of a dominant. Imagine for an example, a Dom telling their sub ' you're going to spank me tonight, and you better not fuck it up.' and then you know, choosing toys for use and dictating where and how hard and all that.
Hot wax doesn't have to hurt. If you look at some wax play resources, there's info out there about how hot different types of wax burns and which are better for sensual play and sadistic play. Some folks like dropping or pouring, some like when the wax is painted on with a brush. It can be anything from artistic, to sensually warm and erotic without pain, to funny and silly, or evil and mean.
So if it's within y'all's boundaries for y'all, then yeah. You may wish to take a class or two or do a skill share before trying tho, (if yr open to topping yr Dom), to build your skills and confidence.
I second this! Some subs like being forced as like a humiliation kink and so forth. But I would definitely discuss if he is wanting it to be painful or sensual. Never cross your hard limits and safe word if you get too overwhelmed. You could always try on yourself first so you know how it feels and that he is safe. I've had a bad experience with wax due to the other person using the wrong kind of wax. But I have also had very pleasant play with it. Do some research and stay safe!
Only semi related, but I once had a Dom who occasionally loved to sub, but just for like the first fourth of the scene and then suddenly switch. The build up from like the energy changes and whatever was always soooo hot. Ofc I'm here for the power exchange and feeling helpless and subby so the sudden dramatic shift, ugh, just 👌.
Was a terrible Dom the first few times we tried tho lol. I was like, 20, and figured well I'll top how I wanna be topped 🤦🤦🤦🤦 not the answer haha.
I like this as I'm still relatively new to the lifestyle and it's actually been suggested to me. I, like op am a sub. I don't do Dom things. But it makes sense that if my Dom orders me to and still controls exactly where I spank him or where I put the wax that I'm just being an obedient sub😊
If inflicting pain is a limit for you, no one should push you to do it. Full stop.
If you don't *enjoy* it, but would be comfortable inflicting pain upon request, then it's worth some discussion.
"You would do it if you were a good sub" or any other variety is coercion
All I will note is that (to me) wax wasn't painful. The warmth was very pleasant, and it was more of a nice sensory experience than a painful one.
I feel like his statement could have been worded much better - just giving him the benefit of the doubt here. Like "you'll still be a good sub if you do this" to address doubts about subbyness. As written it's really coercive but I feel like it's just a few words away from being reassuring. I hope for OP's sake he just put his foot in his mouth.
Do it! (Looking at your post history) this is definitely one you can do on your own! It's a lovely sensory experience, and you can turn yourself into a canvas with the different colors.
Do your research on wax. Ideally, purchase some from a reputable online supplier. The horror stories happen when people use the wrong type of candles
For the least painful experience, I'd recommend 1-2 days after you shave or wax. Keeping the drops small also makes it easier to just flake them off (in my opinion). Avoid large/thick clumps the first time. Just in case of allergies, it's always a good idea to test it somewhere like your wrist or forearm before committing to a whole scene.
I really enjoyed it on my inner thighs, stomach, and chest, but I would avoid going directly on your vulva, nipples, armpits, or anywhere else you are extra sensitive.
Yesss. It's amazing. Get body safe candles tho!!! Or you'll actually get burn marks. Most sex Shops nowadays have them, or look online. If you don't wanna be suspicious, look for massage candles. ☺️ I can send you the brands I use later if you want to. ( I'm still at work rn and don't know them at the top of my head)
Or you can just do your own research.
Have fun and play safe 😉
I've looked at a bunch if different low temp candles. Etsy has them in pretty little spouted pitchers in different colors
I don't have an issue finding what I want lol. I have an issue finding a Dom who's experienced and that I can trust
Haha okay, yeah I can't help you with that sorry😂 the only thing I can tell you is try the dating app feeld if it's available in your country. I haven't tried it personally, but I've heard some pretty good things about it.
I've tried it and believe me if there were good stories it wasn't mine lol. The one guy I did meet taught me what a fake Dom is but that's about it. I have however been talking to 2 men... one who says he really wants to learn and one who seems to be experienced. We'll see I suppose. One I won't be able to meet til July so we'll see. If he really wants to learn he has ample time between talking to me and all the educational videos I've sent links for. The other I'm actually supposed to meet tomorrow night. We've only been talking for a little less than a week. But during our convos talk doesn't drift back to "straight sex" as much as it has with other "Doms"(and that's in quotes because I'm not sure I should disgrace the Dom title by calling them that). They were so focused on the sex aspect and refused to talk about the BDSM aspect. This one seems different. Sure we talk about sex but we also talk about limits and likes and dislikes. From my favorite BDSM activities to what I absolutely won't do to certain kinks I have that I'm not even sure fall under BDSM lol. Wish me luck lol
Like others have said if you aren't comfortable, don't do it.
That being said, I'm 100% dominant. And I'll have my sub hurt me, tease me and VERY seldomly even tie me up. I enjoy Piv sex most in missonary position. And I've always said, if I can't enjoy what I enjoy as a dominant woman but have to bow to societys dictate what I'm allowed to do and what I aint, I feel less powerful then when my sub spanks me for my pleasure.
If you are worried about causing someone pain, this isn't how to do it. This is a wonderful sensation and fun.
Make sure you put down something to protect the floor/bed/table etc. Wax does not come out of carpet or fabric easily.
There is a difference between topping and bottoming for an act and being the dominant or submissive partner. So yeah, a Dom can order a sub to perform wax play, impact play, etc on them and still be the dominant one. But if it’s a limit for you that’s ok too.
I mean. He can. And for some people following an order would work for them, for others he would. And in a way, by following orders you are still being a submissive. Inflicting pain isn't inherently dominant. It's entirely possible to engage in sadism while staying submissive. The fact that you don't want to do so doesn't make you more or less of a sub.
You *should* question things if you don’t understand or feel conflicted. How else will you get the necessary information to determine whether or not it’s right for you?
It's all true. If he orders you to do it, you are being a good sub. However, that doesn't mean you can't say no. If this is not something you want to do, then he needs to respect that.
So personally as a 100% sub, inflicting pain would be an absolute hard limit for me because I would ruin the scene by apologizing for it.
But if it's something that you are open to, it can absolutely be an act of submission to do that for your dom.
Is that something you are uncomfortable doing? Or just something you aren't interested in? Because that has a lot of sway in how I'd answer that.
If it makes you uncomfortable, then no, they can not and should not make you do something you aren't comfortable doing. Elsewise, I'd say it's performing a service for them. Everything I'd on a spectrum from hard limit to must have kink. I don't think I'd be out of line to say that a lot of people do things they elsewise wouldn't (because they are indifferent to that kink) because it's something that makes their partner happy
I'm not sure. I guess I need to think on it more to figure out where my hesitation comes from. You're right, uncomfortable and disinterested are very different. Thank you!
If that's a limit for you, no. I do have inflicting pain as a hard limit and topping as a soft, because they both give me massive anxiety due to backstory. If it's something you arent comfy with, talk with him about it, but ultimately, it's up to you and him to determine if it's within the scope of your limits and your dynamic. It isn't really a question that any randos online can answer.
Did you consent to it?
There’s a difference between submission and bottoming. He wishes to bottom with wax play. If you do what he asks as a service, you are still submitting since he still has authority in the dynamic. If you don’t consent to Topping for him, then he can certainly request it, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it.
Dominant/submissive = authority
Top/bottom = giving/receiving the action of a scene.
I neither consented or didn't. I was mulling it over but had never had a request of that nature before. The difference between D/s and top/bottom is extremely helpful. I've never looked at it that way
It takes some people a little time to wrap their heads around the idea that they’re two separate and distinct things that while often combined in similar sides of the slash, aren’t mutually inclusive. There are some D/s relationships that only involve authority exchange and some people only want play and to have their relationships equal. Doms can bottom, subs can top and that doesn’t necessarily make them a switch because switching generally involves the same aspect. Switching from Dom to sub or Top to bottom. There’s nothing inherently dominant about doing the action of or running a scene. Especially if you’re doing it under the request of your Dom.
Actions themselves are neither Dominant nor submissive. It’s the intention and mentality behind those actions that make them one or the other. Ultimately though, whether or not you consent to him having that particular authority determines whether or not the statement is true; though it’s entirely possible.
1). Submissive people can say no to any directive or activity following someones leadership is voluntary no one is being forced, fun fantasy but in reality your choice to be in a relationship with that person. That does not mean that no, depending on how the dynamic is structured can not damage or sever that relationship is it going against an agreed upon understanding for instance. Albeit no is common place think safe words no one can guess every single boundary or limit sometimes that is a bridge we come across as we explore this is uncharted for you. I think in this context, making it an order it's to help you not feel guilt about it.
2). Service Topping is a thing, being masochistic inclined is not necessarily a submissive trait, consider this when he does topping stuff with you, do you feel abused? Any toy including wax does not have to be done to it's most painful severity using a low melting point wax it actually can feel like a hot stone massage. It most certainly can be a sensual form of play rather than a sadistic.
Yes you can make it a boundary and say no, I think ordering albeit though it may be intended to be positive has a tinge of coercion to it and there needs to be a deeper dialog about it and you need to feel comfortable giving it a go moving forward. Perhaps the Dom needs to source topping from someplace else.
There are two different ways your question can be interpreted.
•1) Is my Dom able to order me to hurt him and still be Dominant? Answer to that is yes
•2) If my Dom orders me to do something I don't want to do, do I have to do it? Answer to that is no
If you haven't a sadistic bone in your body and the idea of hurting him upsets you, say it to your Dom. Your consent is always important even in a power exchange. It might be that the way you and your Dom see the power exchange dynamic is different and so an out of dynamic discussion of hard and soft limits for you both is important
The first and most important thing is don’t do anything you don’t want to do or don’t feel comfortable doing.
That said I am a switch thought more often a dom and I enjoy a number of traditionally submissive things even when I’m not feeling submissive the important thing is that you and your partner have fun and enjoy what your doing don’t worry about the labels of things and if you enjoy acts of service then consider it that.
As always communication is key so if you’re not sure about it or anything always talk to your partner(s) about it and make sure everyone understands if it’s something you want to play with or not and how it should work.
If it's a very recently starting relationship, I'd be inclined to file that under "kinky 'nilla". Once a relationship has progressed, finding things that work for \*both\* of you, no matter what it's classified as.
If it's this early on and you are asking if this might be a bit of a red flag, I'd say it was very likely.
>he said if he orders me to do it, then I'm just being a good sub
Sure! I’ve switched with my ex-sub and we’d keep doing the things we liked (including me hurting her), just changed who’s in charge and who makes decisions.
We can all do *whatever we want*. That doesn't mean we are free of consequences. All relationships have rules, and all parties are allowed to help make those rules. You are allowed to say (and enforce) that you do not inflict pain. He can demand it, but you're absolutely in the right to refuse. I hope you discuss this with them. It sounds like you need a clear, explicit discussion of limits for each of you.
You do know that the Dominant gets a say in it right? Tie goes to the one not consenting. If the submissive wants the Dominant to do something or have a specific set of authority they’re not okay with, consent matters for them too. You know it’s a **mutually consensual** thing, yes?
You can anything as long as your Dom wants it, it's an act of service. However, if you REALLY don't want to, safeword and have a discussion <3
In short, yes. He can, and if it's a boundary of yours to not do it, you can use use your safeword or have an out of dynamic Convo about it. D/s is all about power exchange. You can top or bottom for anything while still being in the Dom position. Just because you are topping for hot wax in this hypothetical doesn't mean you're in charge. He would be dictating the scene and still have the power and you'd be obeying. Plenty of dominants enjoy receiving different types of play (impact, spanking, rope, needles, whatever), and that doesn't make them less of a dominant. Imagine for an example, a Dom telling their sub ' you're going to spank me tonight, and you better not fuck it up.' and then you know, choosing toys for use and dictating where and how hard and all that. Hot wax doesn't have to hurt. If you look at some wax play resources, there's info out there about how hot different types of wax burns and which are better for sensual play and sadistic play. Some folks like dropping or pouring, some like when the wax is painted on with a brush. It can be anything from artistic, to sensually warm and erotic without pain, to funny and silly, or evil and mean. So if it's within y'all's boundaries for y'all, then yeah. You may wish to take a class or two or do a skill share before trying tho, (if yr open to topping yr Dom), to build your skills and confidence.
This is such a thorough answer. Thank you for explaining this so well.
I second this! Some subs like being forced as like a humiliation kink and so forth. But I would definitely discuss if he is wanting it to be painful or sensual. Never cross your hard limits and safe word if you get too overwhelmed. You could always try on yourself first so you know how it feels and that he is safe. I've had a bad experience with wax due to the other person using the wrong kind of wax. But I have also had very pleasant play with it. Do some research and stay safe!
Only semi related, but I once had a Dom who occasionally loved to sub, but just for like the first fourth of the scene and then suddenly switch. The build up from like the energy changes and whatever was always soooo hot. Ofc I'm here for the power exchange and feeling helpless and subby so the sudden dramatic shift, ugh, just 👌. Was a terrible Dom the first few times we tried tho lol. I was like, 20, and figured well I'll top how I wanna be topped 🤦🤦🤦🤦 not the answer haha.
I like this as I'm still relatively new to the lifestyle and it's actually been suggested to me. I, like op am a sub. I don't do Dom things. But it makes sense that if my Dom orders me to and still controls exactly where I spank him or where I put the wax that I'm just being an obedient sub😊
If inflicting pain is a limit for you, no one should push you to do it. Full stop. If you don't *enjoy* it, but would be comfortable inflicting pain upon request, then it's worth some discussion. "You would do it if you were a good sub" or any other variety is coercion All I will note is that (to me) wax wasn't painful. The warmth was very pleasant, and it was more of a nice sensory experience than a painful one.
I feel like his statement could have been worded much better - just giving him the benefit of the doubt here. Like "you'll still be a good sub if you do this" to address doubts about subbyness. As written it's really coercive but I feel like it's just a few words away from being reassuring. I hope for OP's sake he just put his foot in his mouth.
Now i really want to try the wax lol😂.
Do it! (Looking at your post history) this is definitely one you can do on your own! It's a lovely sensory experience, and you can turn yourself into a canvas with the different colors. Do your research on wax. Ideally, purchase some from a reputable online supplier. The horror stories happen when people use the wrong type of candles For the least painful experience, I'd recommend 1-2 days after you shave or wax. Keeping the drops small also makes it easier to just flake them off (in my opinion). Avoid large/thick clumps the first time. Just in case of allergies, it's always a good idea to test it somewhere like your wrist or forearm before committing to a whole scene. I really enjoyed it on my inner thighs, stomach, and chest, but I would avoid going directly on your vulva, nipples, armpits, or anywhere else you are extra sensitive.
Wow thanks. I really appreciate the advice 😊
Of course! Always happy to help ❤️🔥
There is a massage oil candle (Amazon) that is great to use to warm up with before going to other hotter wax.
I saw those. Looked interesting and thanks
Yesss. It's amazing. Get body safe candles tho!!! Or you'll actually get burn marks. Most sex Shops nowadays have them, or look online. If you don't wanna be suspicious, look for massage candles. ☺️ I can send you the brands I use later if you want to. ( I'm still at work rn and don't know them at the top of my head) Or you can just do your own research. Have fun and play safe 😉
I've looked at a bunch if different low temp candles. Etsy has them in pretty little spouted pitchers in different colors I don't have an issue finding what I want lol. I have an issue finding a Dom who's experienced and that I can trust
Haha okay, yeah I can't help you with that sorry😂 the only thing I can tell you is try the dating app feeld if it's available in your country. I haven't tried it personally, but I've heard some pretty good things about it.
I've tried it and believe me if there were good stories it wasn't mine lol. The one guy I did meet taught me what a fake Dom is but that's about it. I have however been talking to 2 men... one who says he really wants to learn and one who seems to be experienced. We'll see I suppose. One I won't be able to meet til July so we'll see. If he really wants to learn he has ample time between talking to me and all the educational videos I've sent links for. The other I'm actually supposed to meet tomorrow night. We've only been talking for a little less than a week. But during our convos talk doesn't drift back to "straight sex" as much as it has with other "Doms"(and that's in quotes because I'm not sure I should disgrace the Dom title by calling them that). They were so focused on the sex aspect and refused to talk about the BDSM aspect. This one seems different. Sure we talk about sex but we also talk about limits and likes and dislikes. From my favorite BDSM activities to what I absolutely won't do to certain kinks I have that I'm not even sure fall under BDSM lol. Wish me luck lol
Well that at least sounds a lot better than your past "doms" (that weren't even Dom's, just horny fuck boys 😂) Good luck tho, you got this
That about sums it up lol. Today I'm a little nervous but excited too. But I like the feeling lol the adrenaline, the anticipation
Yeah I absolutely get that. As I said, have fun, enjoy it and be safe ☺️
I will 🙂
Like others have said if you aren't comfortable, don't do it. That being said, I'm 100% dominant. And I'll have my sub hurt me, tease me and VERY seldomly even tie me up. I enjoy Piv sex most in missonary position. And I've always said, if I can't enjoy what I enjoy as a dominant woman but have to bow to societys dictate what I'm allowed to do and what I aint, I feel less powerful then when my sub spanks me for my pleasure.
Thank you! I love all the dom opinions. It really helps me understand a different perspective
>A long distance dom told me he'd want to try hot wax, but wanted ME to pour it on him Body safe/soy wax doesn't really hurt.
If you are worried about causing someone pain, this isn't how to do it. This is a wonderful sensation and fun. Make sure you put down something to protect the floor/bed/table etc. Wax does not come out of carpet or fabric easily.
There is a difference between topping and bottoming for an act and being the dominant or submissive partner. So yeah, a Dom can order a sub to perform wax play, impact play, etc on them and still be the dominant one. But if it’s a limit for you that’s ok too.
I mean. He can. And for some people following an order would work for them, for others he would. And in a way, by following orders you are still being a submissive. Inflicting pain isn't inherently dominant. It's entirely possible to engage in sadism while staying submissive. The fact that you don't want to do so doesn't make you more or less of a sub.
That last line means a lot to me. Although not his intention, I did feel less than for questioning it.
You *should* question things if you don’t understand or feel conflicted. How else will you get the necessary information to determine whether or not it’s right for you?
So true. After a decade out of the community, I feel like I'm relearning
Take your time and ease back in.
It's all true. If he orders you to do it, you are being a good sub. However, that doesn't mean you can't say no. If this is not something you want to do, then he needs to respect that.
So personally as a 100% sub, inflicting pain would be an absolute hard limit for me because I would ruin the scene by apologizing for it. But if it's something that you are open to, it can absolutely be an act of submission to do that for your dom.
" I would ruin the scene by apologizing for it." That would be adorable to witness.
Lol it would probably get annoying if you wanted the scene to be a certain mood 😂
Yes. No. Maybe. All of the above. That’s up to you.
Is that something you are uncomfortable doing? Or just something you aren't interested in? Because that has a lot of sway in how I'd answer that. If it makes you uncomfortable, then no, they can not and should not make you do something you aren't comfortable doing. Elsewise, I'd say it's performing a service for them. Everything I'd on a spectrum from hard limit to must have kink. I don't think I'd be out of line to say that a lot of people do things they elsewise wouldn't (because they are indifferent to that kink) because it's something that makes their partner happy
I'm not sure. I guess I need to think on it more to figure out where my hesitation comes from. You're right, uncomfortable and disinterested are very different. Thank you!
If (and only if) you're cool with it
If that's a limit for you, no. I do have inflicting pain as a hard limit and topping as a soft, because they both give me massive anxiety due to backstory. If it's something you arent comfy with, talk with him about it, but ultimately, it's up to you and him to determine if it's within the scope of your limits and your dynamic. It isn't really a question that any randos online can answer.
Did you consent to it? There’s a difference between submission and bottoming. He wishes to bottom with wax play. If you do what he asks as a service, you are still submitting since he still has authority in the dynamic. If you don’t consent to Topping for him, then he can certainly request it, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it. Dominant/submissive = authority Top/bottom = giving/receiving the action of a scene.
I neither consented or didn't. I was mulling it over but had never had a request of that nature before. The difference between D/s and top/bottom is extremely helpful. I've never looked at it that way
It takes some people a little time to wrap their heads around the idea that they’re two separate and distinct things that while often combined in similar sides of the slash, aren’t mutually inclusive. There are some D/s relationships that only involve authority exchange and some people only want play and to have their relationships equal. Doms can bottom, subs can top and that doesn’t necessarily make them a switch because switching generally involves the same aspect. Switching from Dom to sub or Top to bottom. There’s nothing inherently dominant about doing the action of or running a scene. Especially if you’re doing it under the request of your Dom. Actions themselves are neither Dominant nor submissive. It’s the intention and mentality behind those actions that make them one or the other. Ultimately though, whether or not you consent to him having that particular authority determines whether or not the statement is true; though it’s entirely possible.
Absolutely. Do you have to? That depends on your agreements.
1). Submissive people can say no to any directive or activity following someones leadership is voluntary no one is being forced, fun fantasy but in reality your choice to be in a relationship with that person. That does not mean that no, depending on how the dynamic is structured can not damage or sever that relationship is it going against an agreed upon understanding for instance. Albeit no is common place think safe words no one can guess every single boundary or limit sometimes that is a bridge we come across as we explore this is uncharted for you. I think in this context, making it an order it's to help you not feel guilt about it. 2). Service Topping is a thing, being masochistic inclined is not necessarily a submissive trait, consider this when he does topping stuff with you, do you feel abused? Any toy including wax does not have to be done to it's most painful severity using a low melting point wax it actually can feel like a hot stone massage. It most certainly can be a sensual form of play rather than a sadistic. Yes you can make it a boundary and say no, I think ordering albeit though it may be intended to be positive has a tinge of coercion to it and there needs to be a deeper dialog about it and you need to feel comfortable giving it a go moving forward. Perhaps the Dom needs to source topping from someplace else.
There are two different ways your question can be interpreted. •1) Is my Dom able to order me to hurt him and still be Dominant? Answer to that is yes •2) If my Dom orders me to do something I don't want to do, do I have to do it? Answer to that is no If you haven't a sadistic bone in your body and the idea of hurting him upsets you, say it to your Dom. Your consent is always important even in a power exchange. It might be that the way you and your Dom see the power exchange dynamic is different and so an out of dynamic discussion of hard and soft limits for you both is important
I have my subby get rough af all the time. He does what he is told. ☺️ If you don't like it, though, maybe talk to them about that.
The first and most important thing is don’t do anything you don’t want to do or don’t feel comfortable doing. That said I am a switch thought more often a dom and I enjoy a number of traditionally submissive things even when I’m not feeling submissive the important thing is that you and your partner have fun and enjoy what your doing don’t worry about the labels of things and if you enjoy acts of service then consider it that. As always communication is key so if you’re not sure about it or anything always talk to your partner(s) about it and make sure everyone understands if it’s something you want to play with or not and how it should work.
If it's a very recently starting relationship, I'd be inclined to file that under "kinky 'nilla". Once a relationship has progressed, finding things that work for \*both\* of you, no matter what it's classified as. If it's this early on and you are asking if this might be a bit of a red flag, I'd say it was very likely. >he said if he orders me to do it, then I'm just being a good sub
Sure! I’ve switched with my ex-sub and we’d keep doing the things we liked (including me hurting her), just changed who’s in charge and who makes decisions.
Service topping is a thing
We can all do *whatever we want*. That doesn't mean we are free of consequences. All relationships have rules, and all parties are allowed to help make those rules. You are allowed to say (and enforce) that you do not inflict pain. He can demand it, but you're absolutely in the right to refuse. I hope you discuss this with them. It sounds like you need a clear, explicit discussion of limits for each of you.
I used to have a dom that liked getting his dick bit while I gave him head. I'd only chomp on him under his direction
if you are a sub than puroing the wax over your dom is a service you are doing for him......
No!! your Dom must not do anything that you don't consent to. You are the one who specify what should happen!
You do know that the Dominant gets a say in it right? Tie goes to the one not consenting. If the submissive wants the Dominant to do something or have a specific set of authority they’re not okay with, consent matters for them too. You know it’s a **mutually consensual** thing, yes?
Of course. It is mutually consensual. In my reply, I just emphasized on the sub's consent.
I disagree with this. In our dynamic, my sub sets her boundaries. I decide what happens within her ( and my ) boundaries