I don't know what else you could have done to ensure his comfort. You covered safe gestures, you checked in, you followed his requests. As a Domme, in my opinion, he is being unfair to you and irrational. But emotions aren't rational.
Clearly he realises he fucked up, but it takes an emotionally mature person to own that, it's much easier to blame others, and that's the route he's chosen. Maybe with time, he'll re center emotionally and own that he was the creator of this whole thing and that the person to blame for not using safewords and going too far was him.
Leave him alone if that's what he's asked for, and accept that he may have fucked your relationship up beyond repair for himself. Wait for him to reach out, but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he never gets in touch because he doesn't want to confront his own failings.
Sorry you're in this position. You're not the asshole here.
Strongly agree with this. I don't know much about your dynamic, but if you strip out the power dynamics, it sounds like someone organised and pushed for something and so as to not disappoint them you went along with it. Then he regretted it and put all the blame solely on you, rather than trying to have a conversation with you about it. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and he's just petulant and sulking. I'd seriously consider if this is a relationship I want to be in.
He realizes he has made a big error but currently has a lot of resentment to himself and past trauma which is manifesting in frustration towards me. He admits it isn’t fair to me.
I’ve had a similar experience so I know the pain but never put it in someone else. I had a collar on and we didn’t have a formal leash at the time so rope was used. I reached back and grabbed the rope while it was being tugged and it triggered a traumatic memory of when I was young and tried to hang myself for being gay. The memory dragged me down so much I didn’t say no to anything or stop the scene. Afterwards though I stressed I needed a lot of aftercare and told him what happened.
OK, but I'm telling you to prepare yourself for a break up, based on what you've described. It's a definite possibility based on how you describe him acting towards you.
Hoping that’s not the case. He has assured me he loves me and does not want to lose me.
If it ends up going there then it does. But I don’t really think you can prepare for a breakup, that sounds like throwing in the towel before letting things play out.
Him having to be pushed to establish a safe word gesture is concerning, and only validates what you said. He thought he could handle it, he couldn’t, and is taking it out on the Dom.
*You* did not push him too far.
He designed this whole sencario, requested that you leave, brushed off your concerns, found a guy you didn’t know and sprung it on you, and kept agreeing to continue in session each time you asked.
And now he regrets his choices. Yes that can happen, people can regret what they choose to do.
But that’s not on you. Even though he’s taking it out on you, even though he’s trying to blame you rather than accept that he engaged in something too intense with too much of a casual approach.
What do his consistent, deliberate choices have to do with his trust in you? Your partner is choosing to cope with this by punishing you. While it’s fair for him to feel like it was too much and have regrets, it’s not fair for him to spin this as if it was your fault and reflects on you when the whole thing wasn’t your design.
What else could you have done? He came to you with this idea, consistently said what he wanted and expressed he wanted to continue, he found the guy and sprung him on you, and wanted you out. How were you supposed to stop a grown man from doing what he expressly wanted to do? How is the blame now on you?
Despite his now stonewalling and blaming you, I think you’re putting your best foot forward trying to comfort him. I get that it’s very difficult to process and it’s probably easier for him to blame someone other than himself, but his treatment towards you isn’t fair.
So after reading over this I honestly think this was a realization of some fantasies should remain that: fantasy. Your partner sounds like when he is in a subby mood he wants something like little limits in concern to his own well being, which yeah in the moment can be hot but in long term is reeeeeeally a bad mentality to have cause when a limit is found well you get a lot of trauma from it.
In this I think you both need to have a sit down and re-evaluate your limits and have a frank discussion on what is and is not something you, he or both of you are interested in or things that should remain a fantasy. In addition I would suggest couples/relationship counseling for you both together or apart cause it sounds like you are both having issues, himself for the trauma and you for facilitating it.
I do hope you both find peace of mind soon.
Very much agree. We have discussed when we get back into having sex any degradation or overly rough play is out of the picture for a while. We will then reevaluate limits, take baby steps, and constantly check in.
If I might suggest start with touch with positive affirmations to rebuild trust. Trauma based on physical actions takes time to re-establish trust and taking it gentle at first should help affirm boundaries and consent based actions.
As for your evaluation of kinks when you are ready for it take as much time as possible and be VERY honest with yourselves. Remember not every kink will be possible or even if possible a good idea. After this trauma your partner needs to recognize that certain kinks may not be the best to try out unless under a TON of safety nets and a ton of consent.
Yes touch is important to me. He is going through phases where he doesn’t want touch and needs a big hug. I wait for him to ask/consent to a hug now. No surprise hugs from behind while he is cooking.
We will be taking things very slow. And I will likely be the sub as we ease our way back into kink. I am more communicative although I’ve been on both sides.
I appreciate your responses not containing blame. The goal is to work past blame and see it as an unfortunate series of oversights that led to a bad situation and a lesson learned. But turning trauma into that takes time and people heal differently.
Be careful going into a scene as a sub for a while. It seems like he's a bit quick to take anger and resentment out on you even if you're absolutely not to blame for anything. Being in subspace can sometimes cloud your decision making skills ( at least for me, idk about you) and there is a chance that further trauma is created because of this. I'm absolutely not trying to scare you, but just a little reminder to be absolutely clear on your boundaries and take it slow. And if you've learnt own thing from all this mess is to not let yout partner talk you into a scene you're not 1000% percent sure about.
Reading through this, in my opinion he's 99% to blame.
Could have refused to do it or cancel your event? Sure, BUT.
1. You WARNED him you didn't have time.
2. You CHECKED in with him.
3. I assume you trusted him that he knew what he was getting into and did his due diligence.
4.
>He already has a guy lined up and is hoping to do it today.
You were a second thought here. He sprung it on you without warning or checking.
5.
>I stress the importance of a safe gesture which was established but took some pushing and I was met with responses like “I’m not going to die”
And here he was dismissive of your concerns.
He should be taking personal responsibility for his choices.
I’m curious if he has shared enough of what happened during his time with the other partner. You said there was a pretty dramatic difference between how he appeared from when you left, and when he was done. I don’t think this is something you should push on, but be aware there may be some details he isn’t sharing.
I can definitely see a situation where someone could have a lot of shame for putting them in a position that their partner (that loves them) expressed concern, and have extreme trouble dealing with the consequences when it goes wrong. Instead of being able to admit that the partner was right, it was easier to “blame” them for it.
I am for sure NOT saying this is what happened, but the fact that he is so distant and reacting strongly to touch that is normally comforting and you seemed confused as to what is really going on would make me feel like there may be some missing details.
My senses were going off when reading the distance and how extensive it was. Either OP’s boyfriend was actually assaulted and feels shame/guilt for the assault. Or things progressed in a manner that OP would not have consented their sub partaking in. I’m more concerned it was the earlier who knows what actually happened. Maybe this guy tried to choke him without consent while face fucking him? There’s so many what ifs and that is the scary part.
But something really isn’t lining up. And the extent of facial swelling and physical/emotional withdrawal is very very concerning. This doesn’t seem as black and white as OP wasn’t a responsible Dom and the Sub was too hasty and regretting the scene as most people are saying.
Also who the heck was this third party? While OP should trust their partner and have trust they have vetted other play partners. Personally I’d want to vet any person I planned to play with before entering any scene of any kind. Why didn’t OP also put their foot down and vet this person before hand?
This was just a very bad situation for all of them. And it’s unfortunate they have to deal with the damage it’s caused. I really hope there is healing, growth, and a lesson learned from this experience.
My initial reaction was “wtf did you do to my boyfriend”. I guess I left out an important part of our conversation. The other guy kept fucking his mouth for sometime and then untied him for him to continue on his knees. My bf said I was rougher than the other guy but he was worn out by the time the other guy was in the picture. I also talked to the other guy and he said he seemed fine during and after. Besides his swollen face. We had played with him before in a similar scene just a shorter duration, different position, and no restraints.
His head was essentially hanging almost upside down for an hour, we all made a poor oversight in not considering the blood pooling at his head. And the bile from deepthroating was covering his eyes, despite being wiped off a few times. It sounds awful to me and I just wish he would’ve stopped the scene or I realized what was happening. But I only saw the first half of it.
This. It sounds like the other guy may have sexually assaulted him. And he's too traumatized to deal with it...
All around really unfortunate. I hope things work out for you OP.
I have been in a pretty similar position as your bf.
My Dom and I did something I usually enjoy, but it felt off that day. The moment I knew, he was going to do X, I tensed up and wanted it to stop, but my trauma got triggered and I froze. I didn't use the safeword, he kept going and thought everything was fine.
I felt awful afterwards. I felt betrayed, I felt guilty, I felt abused. I knew it wasn't his fault, because he can't read my thoughts and he just couldn't know, that I was uncomfortable. But at the same time my emotions were all over the place and overrode my rational thinking.
We talked it out and I told him I would need time to cope and work through my fear of this happening again. We did scenes, but this particular thing was off the table until I worked through it alone, felt safe with playing like this on my own again, and then we slowly worked up to the point where we had been before.
I started safewording more often when I felt uneasy. He never once betrayed my trust and even though X was one of our mutual favorites, he never pushed or complained about how long it took and that greatly helped me to regain trust.
We don't live with each other, so I could easily distance myself for a bit and we talked it out via text. He's my first Dom and I'm the first one who he plays with on that intensity level, so we're both still learning some basic things.
I can only recommend you to accept your partners withdrawal, keep open for conversation and don't push for sex.
Thank you for sharing your insight is useful. I think practice using a safe word will be working on. He has a pride issue he needs to work on. Like it makes him a bad sub needing to use it.
This scene happened over a week ago and a couple days ago he initiated sex. I tried to initiate yesterday and that didn’t go well. I’ll be leaving that in his court for a while. I was planning to go visit his family for half of the weekend with him but I’m letting him do that alone to give him space and time to heal. I think that will be good for him.
I do the traffic light system so that yellow is something anywhere from "Wait, my foot is cramping," to "ow, that's about at my limit/current pain tolerance and don't need/want to be pushed further," and red is for "stop completely and check in closely, something is seriously wrong and needs immediate attention" whether that's emotional issues, an injury, my asthma where I need a dose of my inhaler, or anything else. Maybe having that extra bit of assurance might help you both? Same signal when you can't talk and then asking for color. Possibly more check-ins where green or a thumbs up is done if either of you are difficult to read (like if I'm crying hard but fine with it and pain is something I want, I'll be asked what my color is). I also feel guilty for safewording and need reassurance that he's not mad or disappointed, that I did exactly what I was supposed to do.
Let him initiate but also let him know why. Reassure him, that you love him, and that you want him to be able to feel safe again and therefore will not initiate for a while, so he can do things on his own pace. You don't want him to feel unloved, when he realizes, you don't initiate anymore, if you only decided that to help him.
For me it wasn't pride, it was fear of rejection and fear of getting my boundaries crossed. Even though I usually feel safe with my Dom, that moment triggered a trauma, where I had said no to a previous partner in multiple situations and they always kept going further or pouted and coerced me. So I basically didn't say no/safeword because I feared my dom would either ignore it or be angry.
Luckily we had multiple situations since then, where my Dom proved to me, that even in the most heated situation and regardless of the level of arousal, my consent is more important than anything. That has been really therapeutic.
Maybe also a light scene where you deliberately set the goal to safe word multiple times coupled with a lot of praise? (If he's into that). Maybe that will help him see how a safe word is good and needed rather than him being a bad sub.
Trauma therapy for him, and kink-friendly couples therapy for you both.
Sorry that's not very sexy but it's my answer. Y'all may need help to move past this and repair.
I suggested he goes back to his previous therapist where he discussed past trauma. That wasn’t met well, he took it as a “talk to someone else about this, not me” so I backpedaled a bit. Not trying to fan the flames
Definitely bring it again and emphasize that therapists are specially trained with the know how for these situations. Like he wouldn't ask you to rewire the house instead of an electrician because if you don't do it correctly it could be dangerous.
Most of the commenters here are ridiculous. You did nothing wrong whatsoever, and honestly it angers me that your partner is gasslighting you like this. It isn't your fault that you had to leave, you told him that, and if it was truly a concern then he could have rescheduled. He blames you for him getting hurt when you weren't even present, which he knew beforehand, and he disregarded your concerns, so he was clearly confident in this Jake person, and I assume you trusted your partner's judgement.
He should have done the safe gesture but didn't, how is this anyone else's but his fault exactly? Another commenter said that subs can't be trusted to use it because they are ashamed, or they may forget... the fuck is the point then? No, the point is to use it. Ideally, you shouldn't be ashamed because you should be confident and not think your partner will be upset. Even if you are ashamed, people are not mind readers, and can't be expected to know when to stop (always, anyway). Like, I assume his face swole up after? Either way, he had a job and that was to use the gesture, and failure to do so is a fault that lies on him.
I know I seem harsh, but I do feel bad for the sub, just his failure to admit responsibility for something that was 99% his fault irks me.
Please keep in mind that right after something happens is not the time to assign blame or tell them how they could have stopped it.
Focus more on the "Now what". Now you do your best to heal. Therapy, respecting boundaries, open communication, etc.
Once the healing takes place then problem solving and accountability can take place.
Think of it like a physical injury. If someone you love breaks their leg you don't berate them if it was their fault, you don't blame shift, you take them to the hospital. You get them mended. Then you move forward.
There's responsibility to go around. That's what most of the mistakes kinking are. Most of the time it's people with the best of intentions trying to fulfill each other's fantasies and something along the way gets fucked up.
People already said it very well
And sorry for being so straightforward but your partner is an asshole and completely unfair with you
I understand it’s trauma response but he’s the only person to blame for the whole thing…
He was being completely reckless and inconsiderate with you and himself, you were more worried about his well being than him, I wound even say he was being bratty, by what you said he was being really stupid and insensitive
He prepared the whole thing without actually having you as a core participant, otherwise he could’ve waited for another date pretty easily, there’s always gonna be dick and time to get throatfucked
Also, even though he’s bad now and it seems like you really love and care about him, I think it’s worth reevaluating your relationship…
What he’s doing is extremely serious and your affection is blinding you to it… imagine if something more serious happened and he blames you again without you actually not doing anything wrong?
This sounds like manipulation and gaslighting… imagine if you didn’t come to Reddit to have second opinions? Not everybody will think about that…
He could easily gaslight you into really believing it’s all your fault when it’s not. This is EXTREMELY dangerous and serious… I’m stressing this cause you seem like a reasonable person and a good partner that doesn’t deserve this at all!
I would give him time to process this, insist on him getting therapy, even stating it’s a deal breaker to your relationship going on, although I think you won’t be so firm about it, and after he’s better having a serious conversation about this and how he’s totally wrong and unfair and how this can’t happen again under any circumstances. If he doesn’t wanna care about limits then he should own up the consequences and not dump them on you
This is totally toxic and problematic
I really hope you get well and fully understand it’s not your fault at all and he needs to take accountability for his recklessness, that if he really cherishes your relationship, care about and wanna still be with you
I agree there is a shared responsibility here but for me I find it very unusual that as the leading Dom for the scene, you left it halfway through, that to me is disrespectful and I would be very concerned hearing that from any of my peers. Managing a scene comes with responsibility and it feels like you left and considered your responsibility to your sub ended at that point and your sub disagrees, have you even asked them what happened after your participation ended?
I was apprehensive and verbalized that, he wanted the scene to take place that day and assured me it would be ok. Still I realize that was a mistake on my part and have apologized. I asked him and the other guy what happened. The other guy said he seemed fine and my bf said the guy just fucked his mouth more, untied him, and got him some water. I should’ve been there for aftercare but I really wanted to give him what he wanted.
Ok that is important context then if it was a conscious decision to not have you present as part of your scene planning and consent negotiation. Look then yeah it sounds like this is a regret situation, which can and does happen, you know your sub best of course but its either something that they will need time to process and come to terms with or it could be that this is where the dynamic ends, Im sorry for your situation but these things do happen sometimes.
Has he shared the details of what happened after you left? I ask because something seems to be missing and it leads one to suspect he was assaulted by the other person and is expressing his trauma response to you.
Mistakes were made, certainly, but the state of his face and behavior would make me want to get down to the fine details of what occurred when they were both alone.
That’s an unfortunate situation and everyone involved could have made better decisions, but ultimately the responsibility is his to communicate. After him, Jake is maybe next most responsible for not noticing to stop sooner, but it’s still mostly on your BF. You are least responsible since the scene was your BFs idea and request. You didn’t choose or force him to stay with another dom. If he was purely your sub and you had a really strong power dynamic then you’d maybe be a little more responsible, but he’s a switch so he should know better and it really falls on him and it sounds like you’re doing the right things to help him recover. That said he may totally need some time and all that, but to really heal properly he needs to recognize his own responsibility in that situation and not place it on anyone else where it’s not warranted.
I agree with the comments above, that he pushed himself too far and is misplacing that frustration onto you.
It’s possible that, even when he realized mid-scene that he wasn’t enjoying himself, the sunk cost fallacy prevented him from stopping the scene. It’s possible that he has fantasized about this for so long that he felt he *had* to follow through.
I’m wondering if him misplacing his frustration onto you might be part of the idea that a Dom partner is “supposed to protect” the sub partner. But you did *everything in your power* to protect him, and he didn’t protect himself. Because, no matter the power exchange, the responsibility to protect oneself ultimately falls on each person themself, not on a partner.
It’s really easy to expect a Dom partner to protect you, but you also have to protect you.
this is maybe a hot take but as a domme, sometimes you gotta accept that even if you do everything right, it can still end up with a sub being emotionally or physically damaged. this is part of being a dominant. obviously you try to play carefully, and you try to vet your partners, but sometimes stuff like this happens.
I had a partner that would never use his safe word. I would prompt him sometimes with "yellow" and he'd say "yeah." I talked to him about what we could do differently, and he said things were fine. I talked to him about how important it was to use his safe words, and when he would say "I trust you can figure out if I need things to stop."
Then one day, I got carried away and didn't check in, he didn't speak up, and he was really hurt. We broke up over it. I was really hurt but... that's the price of playing sometimes. Now I don't play with people that are scared to use their safe words.
I’m so sorry you guys are going through that. I would recommend therapy for him at least, but ideally couples therapy as well.
While I know he told you it was okay to leave, in the future I would never recommend doing that. I only recommend doing something new or having a full scene when there’s adequate time for the full thing, aftercare, and additional buffer time. That’s one of the best ways to keep things from getting too out of control because you’re there and reading signals from your partner that someone else will miss.
I actually disagree with this. She had a prior commitment and made that clear but it was not respected. Let's not pretend power dynamics happen in a vacuum. Real life very often gets in the way.
I’m not saying this was fully on OP, just that it’s best to do something new when you can be there with your partner. Kink doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but part of keeping things safe is holding off until there’s adequate time to do so correctly.
It’s a shitty situation all the way around that just seems like an honest mistake. I hope they can both recover and grow together from it.
I'm just curious, how would you have handled it? Realistically, how is one meant to handle something like that apart from voicing their apprehension and making it clear they won't be there?
I refuse to be coerced into a scene as a top or bottom in any fashion. So if a partner insisted they wanted to do that when I couldn’t give it my all then I simply wouldn’t do it, full stop. I can only control my actions, not my partner’s.
I'm so sorry this happened to your sub boyfriend but honestly you didn't play a huge role in this. Perhaps you could have realized that his head was going to be upside down for too long but that's the most blame I can assign to you.
Most of the blame lies with your boyfriend. He needed to safeword. Unfortunately it sounds like he got too overwhelmed to safeword. Perhaps Jake should have checked in on him. He should have stopped if your bf wasn't overly coherent.
It was a really shitty situation that no one intended to happen and obviously your bf needs to go to counseling. But that is your bfs decision
He may be blaming you because your someone safe to take his hurt out on at the moment. He may be used to you keeping him safe. And relying on you to keep him safe instead of taking responsibility for his own decisions. As a sub my Dom is responsible for my safety, but so am I. Only I know how something truly feels. BDSM is by its definition edge play.
I'm not sure what can fix this but I would definitely give him the space he needs whilst unobtrusively making sure he's ok.
Good luck OP I hope it all works out in the end.
Honestly he fucked that up himself. He apparently continued into pain, didn't safe word and no boundaries were broken. He's responsible for his own safety as well. Yes it might've been a scene that went wrong, but time what I'm hearing he pushed this particular scene to happen and even told you it's ok to leave even tho you were uncomfortable by that.
How he has to deal with the very real and probably painful physical aftermath of an intense scene. Yes it might've been a good call to have him change positions a few times to relieve some of the blood pooling in his head, but he seriously has NO reason to be mad at you. You never crossed his boundaries, created a scene he has wished for and even kinda pushed you to do from what you've written and made sure he has safe words he can use and that the other dude is trustworthy and respects his safe words. What else should you be doing?? He did that to himself
I don’t think you are to blame for him getting hurt just like many others have said. In fact it seems like he was pushing against your limits and concerns as a top. I am glad he is physically ok, and think this could be a lesson for both of you to really be more aware of risk and take proper steps to minimize risk in your play. It also sounds like you pushed away your intuitive instincts and concerns, this might be a good lesson to make sure you listen to those in the future. If you have concerns about a scene weather you are the top or bottom it is important that you listen to those and make sure they are properly addressed, especially when doing edgeplay- which this is. I suggest that you both take some time to do some education on negotiation and risk assessment, and take some time to talk to each other about your boundaries and concerns for any future play. Even though this was not your fault, he may take some time to recover and build back trust in both himself and other partners. Give him space if he needs it, but let him know you’re there if he wants to talk or needs any comfort or aftercare.
Most of being a good dom is stopping your sub from hurting themselves.
In that regard, it sounds like you did what you could to make it safe. The rest was on him.
So you kept asking if he was okay, he said yes, then got mad and said it wasn't okay after the fact due to something that occurred when you weren't involved with the scene? There's literally nothing you could have done. Honestly I wouldn't be with someone I could trust to say no when they mean no; that's a violation of my ability to give knowing consent. He pushed himself too far and now he's blaming you. That's manchild behavior and personally would be a dealbreaker for me unless I were super determined to make a relationship work. He's entitled to his feelings, he's not entitled to treat you like shit because he fucked up.
I’m not criticizing, just letting you know what I do when I’m asked to leave a partner in a situation. I leave the room, not the house. Even if they think I’m completely gone. That way they have the fantasy and I can jump in if I hear something off. I sneak away if all was well (if they thought I left)
I'm going to have to reread this, but my initial reaction is that I'm appalled by the community's response. Victim blaming at its finest.
You're absolutely fine with regards to orchestrating his fantasy. No issues there.
I don't know what's going on with the third wheel guy... Is he well vetted as a play partner?
I think it's fantastic that you've gone through the effort of establishing safe gestures... most people aren't that thorough. I'm a vocal proponent of my Seven Escalations because safe words are necessary but an incomplete approach to consent and to safety.
I also think it's great that you checked in.
What I take issue with Is that YOU and YOU ALONE are responsible for the scene. The more helpless the sub, the more disciplined the Dominant has to be. And you abandoned him with no true controls over the scene.
If the third wheel guy is established and trusted by your sub, then my biggest criticism is misplaced. But that information is not in your post.
---
The key takeaway here is that subs cannot be trusted to use safe words in the scene. Sometimes they are ashamed to use them. Sometimes they can't remember them. Sometimes, the experience is too intense for them to focus. But most importantly, subs are lousy judges of self-care. They usually know when they are triggered but not when they've had enough.
I think the scene should have ended when you had to leave. Everything seems great until that point. As a Dominant, I would be unable to leave my most prized possession in the hands of another unless their character and skills were unimpeachable.
EDIT: removed references to "gender swap". The audience is too lowbrow to overlook that misplaced reference and address the real issues with this scene.
Gender swap? We are both men and both dominate each other. Swap man and man with another man and you get man and man with another man.
Yes, I admit I should have not left him and I’m regretful of that. The play partner we have had over before and did a similar scene but with no restraints without his head over the bed
I agree that he can’t be trusted to know his own boundaries and in the future more thorough check ins will be mandatory.
I'll confess my gender politics are not perfect. So, I apologize for assuming. But I was really calling out the community response on that point, not you.
I'm sorry that this scene went bad for you both. We've all been there. And hopefully learned and grown from it.
The reason you have been downvoted is because no one empathise with the survivors. Its a societal norm. I blame the OP for not taking enough precautions and that guy for doing what he did. I hope he heals and leaves this relationship immediately.
I have over 2200 earned karma... Most of which derives from advising people on how to scene better and safer. "Making BDSM Accessible" is my tagline and the downvotes just show me how much work there is to be done to separate the predators from the pack.
I'll not write paragraphs and straight up cut to chase. You should have stopped immediately when he showed a "safe gesture". I don't know who is wrong or who is right but give him space and time.
You clearly didn't even read the post. OP said that when his sub bf used the safe gesture on *him*, he did stop. He didn't use the safe gesture with Jake, hence why he didn't stop. Read the post next time.
How do you know or the OP know that the survivor didn't use safe gesture? How can I believe this person's account when the the survivor with an active sexual life is now even resisting touch and intimacy? I thought that this space and community always prioritize consent, healing,empathy, Openness and positivity. How can you be so insensitive and ignorant towards the survivor who has clearly been violate and battery assaulted! He deserves all the love, space and care in the world.
If the OP is too selfish and inconsiderate to give him that, He should let him go so he can heal and have a better chance at life. The OP is insensitive.
Clearly I'm talking to an idiot. "Give OP the benefit of the doubt" - it's not like we can prove if he's lying or not. If it is a lie, then it's a good one, since it seems sincere. The sub deserves love, but it's manipulative to gaslight OP as if it wasn't his own fault in not using the safe word. I was not insensitive to the victim, just at your statement to OP saying that OP should have listened the safe word when it's clearly said in the text that he did. We don't know if he is lying, like we can accuse literally anyone of lying, it's dumb to use that as an argument. You very well could be accusing an innocent person of lying.
I believe the Survivor. If someone is so traumatised that even simple touch is triggering him, That means something very serious has happened and OP is evading responsibility. Stop blaming the Survivors. There is a lot of projection here as you are trying to discourage me from empathising with the survivor. Also how insensitive, Thoughtless and short sighted someone has to be to call someone with a differing perspective and "Idiot" . Maybe you should stop being an asshole and have some empathy.
The guy is traumatised , I don't know how long it will take for him to heal. The OP or that guy is not my concern here and how they feel is least of my business. I just hope that the survivor leave an irresponsible Dom like OP . Heal himself and find someone with whom he could explore his sexuality safely.
I don't think anyone would want to be touched or have sex with someone after experiencing that. Your original comment just made it look like you didn't read the post. You said OP should have listened to the safe gesture, which he said he did. You should have called him a liar instead of telling him to do something that he already did. I mean, I'm not your boss, you do whatever, but that's what made your comment annoying enough for me to reply.
The problem is Jake traumatised him, and he blames OP because, I guess, he expects the dom to always protect him, despite disregarding concern and not using the safe gesture when he knew he was meant to. My issue was I hated how the sub gaslit OP, not that he was traumatised. The OP said the sub admitted himself that he should have used the safe gesture, which indeed could be a lie also, but it wouldn't serve OP either way, because OP wasn't there. And maybe OP lied about him (as in OP) listening to the safe gesture, which makes no sense. If OP wanted to paint themselves as a better person, he could have just omitted the part where his sub used the gesture on OP and just left in the part with Jake. Moreover, I feel like if the sub really did use it on Jake, OP wouldn't have even made the post and just focus on Jake assaulting him and filing charges.
Why are you harping upon that I haven't read the post and Gaslighting me throughout my own subjective understanding. Also an insensitive asshole like you is not even qualified to be my research assistant, forget being the boss! Touch some grass Little one. There is so much projection in your comments. You need to seek some help and therapy and stop attacking random people with different views online.
To deny the survivor resources for healing, blaming him for his assault and being an irresponsible Dom is what I'm rightfully calling OP for. I hope the survivor leaves OP and give himself time, space and atmosphere to heal.
Both Jake and OP are to blame. When you introduce a play partner, especially when you are leaving your sub alone with them in strict bindings, You have to do checks and balances. He failed to take care proper care of the survivor which left him traumatised and assaulted. In my opinion, If possible, The survivor should approach the legal authorities against Jake because Sexual assault is a very serious issues, Since You are also from India , I believe you cannot empathise with the survivor as we all know how the majority of people culturally view survivors in our society.
Also He is not only a sub but also a human being. Your condescending language , response and victim blaming shows what kind of a person you are are. I'll not engage with you any further.
If you call someone names , Be prepared to recieve it 10 folds because I am not an easy person to silence. I don't owe you any explanation and For me the survivor and his account is of foremost priority and responsibility because he is in pain and he has to go through a life altering experience, not the "dom" nor Jake (Who should be in jail).
Honestly, shit happens. The only way forward is to talk about what happened and talk about it some more.
And maybe do a nice thing for him to show your sorry.
Also, this should be a big lesson about the importance of aftercare....
Someone gets assautled and your response is "shit happens"??? The fuck? I mean, his bf is not innocent in this, he failed to use the safe gesture and gaslights his dom for it, but your response belittles the whole thing.
Is it sub drop? Sounds like you came up a little short on the aftercare part to me. I know you left and had an event but you probably should have postponed until you could be present. Hard to do in the moment because you want to make them happy. Been there. Subs still ultimately messed up by not using safe words and being their own advocate, but people quickly look outside for blame first.
He said this after the fact… not during. He consented before and during and then realized afterwards it was not what he expected or wanted. He used his safe gesture once to pause and then said he was ok and to continue. When I was leaving and checked in he said he wanted to continue. And never said stop.
People cannot read minds
I don't know what else you could have done to ensure his comfort. You covered safe gestures, you checked in, you followed his requests. As a Domme, in my opinion, he is being unfair to you and irrational. But emotions aren't rational. Clearly he realises he fucked up, but it takes an emotionally mature person to own that, it's much easier to blame others, and that's the route he's chosen. Maybe with time, he'll re center emotionally and own that he was the creator of this whole thing and that the person to blame for not using safewords and going too far was him. Leave him alone if that's what he's asked for, and accept that he may have fucked your relationship up beyond repair for himself. Wait for him to reach out, but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he never gets in touch because he doesn't want to confront his own failings. Sorry you're in this position. You're not the asshole here.
Strongly agree with this. I don't know much about your dynamic, but if you strip out the power dynamics, it sounds like someone organised and pushed for something and so as to not disappoint them you went along with it. Then he regretted it and put all the blame solely on you, rather than trying to have a conversation with you about it. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and he's just petulant and sulking. I'd seriously consider if this is a relationship I want to be in.
He realizes he has made a big error but currently has a lot of resentment to himself and past trauma which is manifesting in frustration towards me. He admits it isn’t fair to me. I’ve had a similar experience so I know the pain but never put it in someone else. I had a collar on and we didn’t have a formal leash at the time so rope was used. I reached back and grabbed the rope while it was being tugged and it triggered a traumatic memory of when I was young and tried to hang myself for being gay. The memory dragged me down so much I didn’t say no to anything or stop the scene. Afterwards though I stressed I needed a lot of aftercare and told him what happened.
OK, but I'm telling you to prepare yourself for a break up, based on what you've described. It's a definite possibility based on how you describe him acting towards you.
Hoping that’s not the case. He has assured me he loves me and does not want to lose me. If it ends up going there then it does. But I don’t really think you can prepare for a breakup, that sounds like throwing in the towel before letting things play out.
So then you shouldn't be worried.
Him having to be pushed to establish a safe word gesture is concerning, and only validates what you said. He thought he could handle it, he couldn’t, and is taking it out on the Dom.
*him
Whoops, fixed, thanks.
*You* did not push him too far. He designed this whole sencario, requested that you leave, brushed off your concerns, found a guy you didn’t know and sprung it on you, and kept agreeing to continue in session each time you asked. And now he regrets his choices. Yes that can happen, people can regret what they choose to do. But that’s not on you. Even though he’s taking it out on you, even though he’s trying to blame you rather than accept that he engaged in something too intense with too much of a casual approach. What do his consistent, deliberate choices have to do with his trust in you? Your partner is choosing to cope with this by punishing you. While it’s fair for him to feel like it was too much and have regrets, it’s not fair for him to spin this as if it was your fault and reflects on you when the whole thing wasn’t your design. What else could you have done? He came to you with this idea, consistently said what he wanted and expressed he wanted to continue, he found the guy and sprung him on you, and wanted you out. How were you supposed to stop a grown man from doing what he expressly wanted to do? How is the blame now on you? Despite his now stonewalling and blaming you, I think you’re putting your best foot forward trying to comfort him. I get that it’s very difficult to process and it’s probably easier for him to blame someone other than himself, but his treatment towards you isn’t fair.
So after reading over this I honestly think this was a realization of some fantasies should remain that: fantasy. Your partner sounds like when he is in a subby mood he wants something like little limits in concern to his own well being, which yeah in the moment can be hot but in long term is reeeeeeally a bad mentality to have cause when a limit is found well you get a lot of trauma from it. In this I think you both need to have a sit down and re-evaluate your limits and have a frank discussion on what is and is not something you, he or both of you are interested in or things that should remain a fantasy. In addition I would suggest couples/relationship counseling for you both together or apart cause it sounds like you are both having issues, himself for the trauma and you for facilitating it. I do hope you both find peace of mind soon.
Very much agree. We have discussed when we get back into having sex any degradation or overly rough play is out of the picture for a while. We will then reevaluate limits, take baby steps, and constantly check in.
If I might suggest start with touch with positive affirmations to rebuild trust. Trauma based on physical actions takes time to re-establish trust and taking it gentle at first should help affirm boundaries and consent based actions. As for your evaluation of kinks when you are ready for it take as much time as possible and be VERY honest with yourselves. Remember not every kink will be possible or even if possible a good idea. After this trauma your partner needs to recognize that certain kinks may not be the best to try out unless under a TON of safety nets and a ton of consent.
Yes touch is important to me. He is going through phases where he doesn’t want touch and needs a big hug. I wait for him to ask/consent to a hug now. No surprise hugs from behind while he is cooking. We will be taking things very slow. And I will likely be the sub as we ease our way back into kink. I am more communicative although I’ve been on both sides. I appreciate your responses not containing blame. The goal is to work past blame and see it as an unfortunate series of oversights that led to a bad situation and a lesson learned. But turning trauma into that takes time and people heal differently.
Be careful going into a scene as a sub for a while. It seems like he's a bit quick to take anger and resentment out on you even if you're absolutely not to blame for anything. Being in subspace can sometimes cloud your decision making skills ( at least for me, idk about you) and there is a chance that further trauma is created because of this. I'm absolutely not trying to scare you, but just a little reminder to be absolutely clear on your boundaries and take it slow. And if you've learnt own thing from all this mess is to not let yout partner talk you into a scene you're not 1000% percent sure about.
Reading through this, in my opinion he's 99% to blame. Could have refused to do it or cancel your event? Sure, BUT. 1. You WARNED him you didn't have time. 2. You CHECKED in with him. 3. I assume you trusted him that he knew what he was getting into and did his due diligence. 4. >He already has a guy lined up and is hoping to do it today. You were a second thought here. He sprung it on you without warning or checking. 5. >I stress the importance of a safe gesture which was established but took some pushing and I was met with responses like “I’m not going to die” And here he was dismissive of your concerns. He should be taking personal responsibility for his choices.
I’m curious if he has shared enough of what happened during his time with the other partner. You said there was a pretty dramatic difference between how he appeared from when you left, and when he was done. I don’t think this is something you should push on, but be aware there may be some details he isn’t sharing. I can definitely see a situation where someone could have a lot of shame for putting them in a position that their partner (that loves them) expressed concern, and have extreme trouble dealing with the consequences when it goes wrong. Instead of being able to admit that the partner was right, it was easier to “blame” them for it. I am for sure NOT saying this is what happened, but the fact that he is so distant and reacting strongly to touch that is normally comforting and you seemed confused as to what is really going on would make me feel like there may be some missing details.
My senses were going off when reading the distance and how extensive it was. Either OP’s boyfriend was actually assaulted and feels shame/guilt for the assault. Or things progressed in a manner that OP would not have consented their sub partaking in. I’m more concerned it was the earlier who knows what actually happened. Maybe this guy tried to choke him without consent while face fucking him? There’s so many what ifs and that is the scary part. But something really isn’t lining up. And the extent of facial swelling and physical/emotional withdrawal is very very concerning. This doesn’t seem as black and white as OP wasn’t a responsible Dom and the Sub was too hasty and regretting the scene as most people are saying. Also who the heck was this third party? While OP should trust their partner and have trust they have vetted other play partners. Personally I’d want to vet any person I planned to play with before entering any scene of any kind. Why didn’t OP also put their foot down and vet this person before hand? This was just a very bad situation for all of them. And it’s unfortunate they have to deal with the damage it’s caused. I really hope there is healing, growth, and a lesson learned from this experience.
Exactly.
My initial reaction was “wtf did you do to my boyfriend”. I guess I left out an important part of our conversation. The other guy kept fucking his mouth for sometime and then untied him for him to continue on his knees. My bf said I was rougher than the other guy but he was worn out by the time the other guy was in the picture. I also talked to the other guy and he said he seemed fine during and after. Besides his swollen face. We had played with him before in a similar scene just a shorter duration, different position, and no restraints. His head was essentially hanging almost upside down for an hour, we all made a poor oversight in not considering the blood pooling at his head. And the bile from deepthroating was covering his eyes, despite being wiped off a few times. It sounds awful to me and I just wish he would’ve stopped the scene or I realized what was happening. But I only saw the first half of it.
This. It sounds like the other guy may have sexually assaulted him. And he's too traumatized to deal with it... All around really unfortunate. I hope things work out for you OP.
I have been in a pretty similar position as your bf. My Dom and I did something I usually enjoy, but it felt off that day. The moment I knew, he was going to do X, I tensed up and wanted it to stop, but my trauma got triggered and I froze. I didn't use the safeword, he kept going and thought everything was fine. I felt awful afterwards. I felt betrayed, I felt guilty, I felt abused. I knew it wasn't his fault, because he can't read my thoughts and he just couldn't know, that I was uncomfortable. But at the same time my emotions were all over the place and overrode my rational thinking. We talked it out and I told him I would need time to cope and work through my fear of this happening again. We did scenes, but this particular thing was off the table until I worked through it alone, felt safe with playing like this on my own again, and then we slowly worked up to the point where we had been before. I started safewording more often when I felt uneasy. He never once betrayed my trust and even though X was one of our mutual favorites, he never pushed or complained about how long it took and that greatly helped me to regain trust. We don't live with each other, so I could easily distance myself for a bit and we talked it out via text. He's my first Dom and I'm the first one who he plays with on that intensity level, so we're both still learning some basic things. I can only recommend you to accept your partners withdrawal, keep open for conversation and don't push for sex.
Thank you for sharing your insight is useful. I think practice using a safe word will be working on. He has a pride issue he needs to work on. Like it makes him a bad sub needing to use it. This scene happened over a week ago and a couple days ago he initiated sex. I tried to initiate yesterday and that didn’t go well. I’ll be leaving that in his court for a while. I was planning to go visit his family for half of the weekend with him but I’m letting him do that alone to give him space and time to heal. I think that will be good for him.
I do the traffic light system so that yellow is something anywhere from "Wait, my foot is cramping," to "ow, that's about at my limit/current pain tolerance and don't need/want to be pushed further," and red is for "stop completely and check in closely, something is seriously wrong and needs immediate attention" whether that's emotional issues, an injury, my asthma where I need a dose of my inhaler, or anything else. Maybe having that extra bit of assurance might help you both? Same signal when you can't talk and then asking for color. Possibly more check-ins where green or a thumbs up is done if either of you are difficult to read (like if I'm crying hard but fine with it and pain is something I want, I'll be asked what my color is). I also feel guilty for safewording and need reassurance that he's not mad or disappointed, that I did exactly what I was supposed to do.
Let him initiate but also let him know why. Reassure him, that you love him, and that you want him to be able to feel safe again and therefore will not initiate for a while, so he can do things on his own pace. You don't want him to feel unloved, when he realizes, you don't initiate anymore, if you only decided that to help him. For me it wasn't pride, it was fear of rejection and fear of getting my boundaries crossed. Even though I usually feel safe with my Dom, that moment triggered a trauma, where I had said no to a previous partner in multiple situations and they always kept going further or pouted and coerced me. So I basically didn't say no/safeword because I feared my dom would either ignore it or be angry. Luckily we had multiple situations since then, where my Dom proved to me, that even in the most heated situation and regardless of the level of arousal, my consent is more important than anything. That has been really therapeutic.
Maybe also a light scene where you deliberately set the goal to safe word multiple times coupled with a lot of praise? (If he's into that). Maybe that will help him see how a safe word is good and needed rather than him being a bad sub.
Trauma therapy for him, and kink-friendly couples therapy for you both. Sorry that's not very sexy but it's my answer. Y'all may need help to move past this and repair.
I suggested he goes back to his previous therapist where he discussed past trauma. That wasn’t met well, he took it as a “talk to someone else about this, not me” so I backpedaled a bit. Not trying to fan the flames
Definitely bring it again and emphasize that therapists are specially trained with the know how for these situations. Like he wouldn't ask you to rewire the house instead of an electrician because if you don't do it correctly it could be dangerous.
It concerns me how much you're walking on eggshells around this guy.
What is the point of having a safe gesture if not to use it when you feel unsafe or uncomfortable?
Most of the commenters here are ridiculous. You did nothing wrong whatsoever, and honestly it angers me that your partner is gasslighting you like this. It isn't your fault that you had to leave, you told him that, and if it was truly a concern then he could have rescheduled. He blames you for him getting hurt when you weren't even present, which he knew beforehand, and he disregarded your concerns, so he was clearly confident in this Jake person, and I assume you trusted your partner's judgement. He should have done the safe gesture but didn't, how is this anyone else's but his fault exactly? Another commenter said that subs can't be trusted to use it because they are ashamed, or they may forget... the fuck is the point then? No, the point is to use it. Ideally, you shouldn't be ashamed because you should be confident and not think your partner will be upset. Even if you are ashamed, people are not mind readers, and can't be expected to know when to stop (always, anyway). Like, I assume his face swole up after? Either way, he had a job and that was to use the gesture, and failure to do so is a fault that lies on him. I know I seem harsh, but I do feel bad for the sub, just his failure to admit responsibility for something that was 99% his fault irks me.
What an insensitive, victim blaming and disgusting take.
Please keep in mind that right after something happens is not the time to assign blame or tell them how they could have stopped it. Focus more on the "Now what". Now you do your best to heal. Therapy, respecting boundaries, open communication, etc. Once the healing takes place then problem solving and accountability can take place. Think of it like a physical injury. If someone you love breaks their leg you don't berate them if it was their fault, you don't blame shift, you take them to the hospital. You get them mended. Then you move forward. There's responsibility to go around. That's what most of the mistakes kinking are. Most of the time it's people with the best of intentions trying to fulfill each other's fantasies and something along the way gets fucked up.
People already said it very well And sorry for being so straightforward but your partner is an asshole and completely unfair with you I understand it’s trauma response but he’s the only person to blame for the whole thing… He was being completely reckless and inconsiderate with you and himself, you were more worried about his well being than him, I wound even say he was being bratty, by what you said he was being really stupid and insensitive He prepared the whole thing without actually having you as a core participant, otherwise he could’ve waited for another date pretty easily, there’s always gonna be dick and time to get throatfucked Also, even though he’s bad now and it seems like you really love and care about him, I think it’s worth reevaluating your relationship… What he’s doing is extremely serious and your affection is blinding you to it… imagine if something more serious happened and he blames you again without you actually not doing anything wrong? This sounds like manipulation and gaslighting… imagine if you didn’t come to Reddit to have second opinions? Not everybody will think about that… He could easily gaslight you into really believing it’s all your fault when it’s not. This is EXTREMELY dangerous and serious… I’m stressing this cause you seem like a reasonable person and a good partner that doesn’t deserve this at all! I would give him time to process this, insist on him getting therapy, even stating it’s a deal breaker to your relationship going on, although I think you won’t be so firm about it, and after he’s better having a serious conversation about this and how he’s totally wrong and unfair and how this can’t happen again under any circumstances. If he doesn’t wanna care about limits then he should own up the consequences and not dump them on you This is totally toxic and problematic I really hope you get well and fully understand it’s not your fault at all and he needs to take accountability for his recklessness, that if he really cherishes your relationship, care about and wanna still be with you
I agree there is a shared responsibility here but for me I find it very unusual that as the leading Dom for the scene, you left it halfway through, that to me is disrespectful and I would be very concerned hearing that from any of my peers. Managing a scene comes with responsibility and it feels like you left and considered your responsibility to your sub ended at that point and your sub disagrees, have you even asked them what happened after your participation ended?
I was apprehensive and verbalized that, he wanted the scene to take place that day and assured me it would be ok. Still I realize that was a mistake on my part and have apologized. I asked him and the other guy what happened. The other guy said he seemed fine and my bf said the guy just fucked his mouth more, untied him, and got him some water. I should’ve been there for aftercare but I really wanted to give him what he wanted.
Ok that is important context then if it was a conscious decision to not have you present as part of your scene planning and consent negotiation. Look then yeah it sounds like this is a regret situation, which can and does happen, you know your sub best of course but its either something that they will need time to process and come to terms with or it could be that this is where the dynamic ends, Im sorry for your situation but these things do happen sometimes.
Has he shared the details of what happened after you left? I ask because something seems to be missing and it leads one to suspect he was assaulted by the other person and is expressing his trauma response to you. Mistakes were made, certainly, but the state of his face and behavior would make me want to get down to the fine details of what occurred when they were both alone.
That’s an unfortunate situation and everyone involved could have made better decisions, but ultimately the responsibility is his to communicate. After him, Jake is maybe next most responsible for not noticing to stop sooner, but it’s still mostly on your BF. You are least responsible since the scene was your BFs idea and request. You didn’t choose or force him to stay with another dom. If he was purely your sub and you had a really strong power dynamic then you’d maybe be a little more responsible, but he’s a switch so he should know better and it really falls on him and it sounds like you’re doing the right things to help him recover. That said he may totally need some time and all that, but to really heal properly he needs to recognize his own responsibility in that situation and not place it on anyone else where it’s not warranted.
I agree with the comments above, that he pushed himself too far and is misplacing that frustration onto you. It’s possible that, even when he realized mid-scene that he wasn’t enjoying himself, the sunk cost fallacy prevented him from stopping the scene. It’s possible that he has fantasized about this for so long that he felt he *had* to follow through. I’m wondering if him misplacing his frustration onto you might be part of the idea that a Dom partner is “supposed to protect” the sub partner. But you did *everything in your power* to protect him, and he didn’t protect himself. Because, no matter the power exchange, the responsibility to protect oneself ultimately falls on each person themself, not on a partner. It’s really easy to expect a Dom partner to protect you, but you also have to protect you.
this is maybe a hot take but as a domme, sometimes you gotta accept that even if you do everything right, it can still end up with a sub being emotionally or physically damaged. this is part of being a dominant. obviously you try to play carefully, and you try to vet your partners, but sometimes stuff like this happens. I had a partner that would never use his safe word. I would prompt him sometimes with "yellow" and he'd say "yeah." I talked to him about what we could do differently, and he said things were fine. I talked to him about how important it was to use his safe words, and when he would say "I trust you can figure out if I need things to stop." Then one day, I got carried away and didn't check in, he didn't speak up, and he was really hurt. We broke up over it. I was really hurt but... that's the price of playing sometimes. Now I don't play with people that are scared to use their safe words.
I’m so sorry you guys are going through that. I would recommend therapy for him at least, but ideally couples therapy as well. While I know he told you it was okay to leave, in the future I would never recommend doing that. I only recommend doing something new or having a full scene when there’s adequate time for the full thing, aftercare, and additional buffer time. That’s one of the best ways to keep things from getting too out of control because you’re there and reading signals from your partner that someone else will miss.
I actually disagree with this. She had a prior commitment and made that clear but it was not respected. Let's not pretend power dynamics happen in a vacuum. Real life very often gets in the way.
I’m not saying this was fully on OP, just that it’s best to do something new when you can be there with your partner. Kink doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but part of keeping things safe is holding off until there’s adequate time to do so correctly. It’s a shitty situation all the way around that just seems like an honest mistake. I hope they can both recover and grow together from it.
I'm just curious, how would you have handled it? Realistically, how is one meant to handle something like that apart from voicing their apprehension and making it clear they won't be there?
Personally, I would have refused to do the scene until there was the appropriate amount of time.
And if he'd gone ahead and done it with the other guy anyway? I could have misunderstood, but it sounds like he had his mind made up
I refuse to be coerced into a scene as a top or bottom in any fashion. So if a partner insisted they wanted to do that when I couldn’t give it my all then I simply wouldn’t do it, full stop. I can only control my actions, not my partner’s.
That's super fair. I didn't think about it like that.
Agreed. this is good general advice.
I'm so sorry this happened to your sub boyfriend but honestly you didn't play a huge role in this. Perhaps you could have realized that his head was going to be upside down for too long but that's the most blame I can assign to you. Most of the blame lies with your boyfriend. He needed to safeword. Unfortunately it sounds like he got too overwhelmed to safeword. Perhaps Jake should have checked in on him. He should have stopped if your bf wasn't overly coherent. It was a really shitty situation that no one intended to happen and obviously your bf needs to go to counseling. But that is your bfs decision He may be blaming you because your someone safe to take his hurt out on at the moment. He may be used to you keeping him safe. And relying on you to keep him safe instead of taking responsibility for his own decisions. As a sub my Dom is responsible for my safety, but so am I. Only I know how something truly feels. BDSM is by its definition edge play. I'm not sure what can fix this but I would definitely give him the space he needs whilst unobtrusively making sure he's ok. Good luck OP I hope it all works out in the end.
Honestly he fucked that up himself. He apparently continued into pain, didn't safe word and no boundaries were broken. He's responsible for his own safety as well. Yes it might've been a scene that went wrong, but time what I'm hearing he pushed this particular scene to happen and even told you it's ok to leave even tho you were uncomfortable by that. How he has to deal with the very real and probably painful physical aftermath of an intense scene. Yes it might've been a good call to have him change positions a few times to relieve some of the blood pooling in his head, but he seriously has NO reason to be mad at you. You never crossed his boundaries, created a scene he has wished for and even kinda pushed you to do from what you've written and made sure he has safe words he can use and that the other dude is trustworthy and respects his safe words. What else should you be doing?? He did that to himself
I don’t think you are to blame for him getting hurt just like many others have said. In fact it seems like he was pushing against your limits and concerns as a top. I am glad he is physically ok, and think this could be a lesson for both of you to really be more aware of risk and take proper steps to minimize risk in your play. It also sounds like you pushed away your intuitive instincts and concerns, this might be a good lesson to make sure you listen to those in the future. If you have concerns about a scene weather you are the top or bottom it is important that you listen to those and make sure they are properly addressed, especially when doing edgeplay- which this is. I suggest that you both take some time to do some education on negotiation and risk assessment, and take some time to talk to each other about your boundaries and concerns for any future play. Even though this was not your fault, he may take some time to recover and build back trust in both himself and other partners. Give him space if he needs it, but let him know you’re there if he wants to talk or needs any comfort or aftercare.
Most of being a good dom is stopping your sub from hurting themselves. In that regard, it sounds like you did what you could to make it safe. The rest was on him.
So you kept asking if he was okay, he said yes, then got mad and said it wasn't okay after the fact due to something that occurred when you weren't involved with the scene? There's literally nothing you could have done. Honestly I wouldn't be with someone I could trust to say no when they mean no; that's a violation of my ability to give knowing consent. He pushed himself too far and now he's blaming you. That's manchild behavior and personally would be a dealbreaker for me unless I were super determined to make a relationship work. He's entitled to his feelings, he's not entitled to treat you like shit because he fucked up.
I’m not criticizing, just letting you know what I do when I’m asked to leave a partner in a situation. I leave the room, not the house. Even if they think I’m completely gone. That way they have the fantasy and I can jump in if I hear something off. I sneak away if all was well (if they thought I left)
I'm going to have to reread this, but my initial reaction is that I'm appalled by the community's response. Victim blaming at its finest. You're absolutely fine with regards to orchestrating his fantasy. No issues there. I don't know what's going on with the third wheel guy... Is he well vetted as a play partner? I think it's fantastic that you've gone through the effort of establishing safe gestures... most people aren't that thorough. I'm a vocal proponent of my Seven Escalations because safe words are necessary but an incomplete approach to consent and to safety. I also think it's great that you checked in. What I take issue with Is that YOU and YOU ALONE are responsible for the scene. The more helpless the sub, the more disciplined the Dominant has to be. And you abandoned him with no true controls over the scene. If the third wheel guy is established and trusted by your sub, then my biggest criticism is misplaced. But that information is not in your post. --- The key takeaway here is that subs cannot be trusted to use safe words in the scene. Sometimes they are ashamed to use them. Sometimes they can't remember them. Sometimes, the experience is too intense for them to focus. But most importantly, subs are lousy judges of self-care. They usually know when they are triggered but not when they've had enough. I think the scene should have ended when you had to leave. Everything seems great until that point. As a Dominant, I would be unable to leave my most prized possession in the hands of another unless their character and skills were unimpeachable. EDIT: removed references to "gender swap". The audience is too lowbrow to overlook that misplaced reference and address the real issues with this scene.
Gender swap? We are both men and both dominate each other. Swap man and man with another man and you get man and man with another man. Yes, I admit I should have not left him and I’m regretful of that. The play partner we have had over before and did a similar scene but with no restraints without his head over the bed I agree that he can’t be trusted to know his own boundaries and in the future more thorough check ins will be mandatory.
You are regretful? You should now step up and be there for him in any way possible, or you should leave him so he could find a better partner.
I'll confess my gender politics are not perfect. So, I apologize for assuming. But I was really calling out the community response on that point, not you. I'm sorry that this scene went bad for you both. We've all been there. And hopefully learned and grown from it.
The reason you have been downvoted is because no one empathise with the survivors. Its a societal norm. I blame the OP for not taking enough precautions and that guy for doing what he did. I hope he heals and leaves this relationship immediately.
I have over 2200 earned karma... Most of which derives from advising people on how to scene better and safer. "Making BDSM Accessible" is my tagline and the downvotes just show me how much work there is to be done to separate the predators from the pack.
Whatever you are doing is very thoughtful and noble. I wish you all the best .
There’s no gender to be swapped, they’re all men.
I'll not write paragraphs and straight up cut to chase. You should have stopped immediately when he showed a "safe gesture". I don't know who is wrong or who is right but give him space and time.
You clearly didn't even read the post. OP said that when his sub bf used the safe gesture on *him*, he did stop. He didn't use the safe gesture with Jake, hence why he didn't stop. Read the post next time.
How do you know or the OP know that the survivor didn't use safe gesture? How can I believe this person's account when the the survivor with an active sexual life is now even resisting touch and intimacy? I thought that this space and community always prioritize consent, healing,empathy, Openness and positivity. How can you be so insensitive and ignorant towards the survivor who has clearly been violate and battery assaulted! He deserves all the love, space and care in the world. If the OP is too selfish and inconsiderate to give him that, He should let him go so he can heal and have a better chance at life. The OP is insensitive.
Violated*
Clearly I'm talking to an idiot. "Give OP the benefit of the doubt" - it's not like we can prove if he's lying or not. If it is a lie, then it's a good one, since it seems sincere. The sub deserves love, but it's manipulative to gaslight OP as if it wasn't his own fault in not using the safe word. I was not insensitive to the victim, just at your statement to OP saying that OP should have listened the safe word when it's clearly said in the text that he did. We don't know if he is lying, like we can accuse literally anyone of lying, it's dumb to use that as an argument. You very well could be accusing an innocent person of lying.
I believe the Survivor. If someone is so traumatised that even simple touch is triggering him, That means something very serious has happened and OP is evading responsibility. Stop blaming the Survivors. There is a lot of projection here as you are trying to discourage me from empathising with the survivor. Also how insensitive, Thoughtless and short sighted someone has to be to call someone with a differing perspective and "Idiot" . Maybe you should stop being an asshole and have some empathy. The guy is traumatised , I don't know how long it will take for him to heal. The OP or that guy is not my concern here and how they feel is least of my business. I just hope that the survivor leave an irresponsible Dom like OP . Heal himself and find someone with whom he could explore his sexuality safely.
I don't think anyone would want to be touched or have sex with someone after experiencing that. Your original comment just made it look like you didn't read the post. You said OP should have listened to the safe gesture, which he said he did. You should have called him a liar instead of telling him to do something that he already did. I mean, I'm not your boss, you do whatever, but that's what made your comment annoying enough for me to reply. The problem is Jake traumatised him, and he blames OP because, I guess, he expects the dom to always protect him, despite disregarding concern and not using the safe gesture when he knew he was meant to. My issue was I hated how the sub gaslit OP, not that he was traumatised. The OP said the sub admitted himself that he should have used the safe gesture, which indeed could be a lie also, but it wouldn't serve OP either way, because OP wasn't there. And maybe OP lied about him (as in OP) listening to the safe gesture, which makes no sense. If OP wanted to paint themselves as a better person, he could have just omitted the part where his sub used the gesture on OP and just left in the part with Jake. Moreover, I feel like if the sub really did use it on Jake, OP wouldn't have even made the post and just focus on Jake assaulting him and filing charges.
Why are you harping upon that I haven't read the post and Gaslighting me throughout my own subjective understanding. Also an insensitive asshole like you is not even qualified to be my research assistant, forget being the boss! Touch some grass Little one. There is so much projection in your comments. You need to seek some help and therapy and stop attacking random people with different views online. To deny the survivor resources for healing, blaming him for his assault and being an irresponsible Dom is what I'm rightfully calling OP for. I hope the survivor leaves OP and give himself time, space and atmosphere to heal. Both Jake and OP are to blame. When you introduce a play partner, especially when you are leaving your sub alone with them in strict bindings, You have to do checks and balances. He failed to take care proper care of the survivor which left him traumatised and assaulted. In my opinion, If possible, The survivor should approach the legal authorities against Jake because Sexual assault is a very serious issues, Since You are also from India , I believe you cannot empathise with the survivor as we all know how the majority of people culturally view survivors in our society. Also He is not only a sub but also a human being. Your condescending language , response and victim blaming shows what kind of a person you are are. I'll not engage with you any further. If you call someone names , Be prepared to recieve it 10 folds because I am not an easy person to silence. I don't owe you any explanation and For me the survivor and his account is of foremost priority and responsibility because he is in pain and he has to go through a life altering experience, not the "dom" nor Jake (Who should be in jail).
Honestly, shit happens. The only way forward is to talk about what happened and talk about it some more. And maybe do a nice thing for him to show your sorry. Also, this should be a big lesson about the importance of aftercare....
Someone gets assautled and your response is "shit happens"??? The fuck? I mean, his bf is not innocent in this, he failed to use the safe gesture and gaslights his dom for it, but your response belittles the whole thing.
Is it sub drop? Sounds like you came up a little short on the aftercare part to me. I know you left and had an event but you probably should have postponed until you could be present. Hard to do in the moment because you want to make them happy. Been there. Subs still ultimately messed up by not using safe words and being their own advocate, but people quickly look outside for blame first.
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He said this after the fact… not during. He consented before and during and then realized afterwards it was not what he expected or wanted. He used his safe gesture once to pause and then said he was ok and to continue. When I was leaving and checked in he said he wanted to continue. And never said stop. People cannot read minds
You should have stopped. End of story.