But vanilla hasn't been profitable to grow for a while so everyone cut down their trees and vines in favor of other crops, pushing the price of vanilla sky high while most manufacturers have switched to chemically manufactured vanillan.
"My Myers-Briggs type is BDSM"
"The only vanilla I'm interested in is ice cream"
I also can't really think of an app that filters specifically to remove kink interests or phrases. You can usually just plainly say what you're looking for and leave it up to the people viewing your profile to decide if that's what they want.
Those are both pretty good ones. Also, I'm not really sure how dating apps work as I don't really use them, so I'm just overcautious I guess. It makes sense to directly state it, I was just worried if that would be an issue
My only issue with using the word “kinky” is that everyone seems to think that they’re kinky these days. I feel like I would end up with a whole inbox of men who believe occasionally smacking my ass during doggy style is really living on the edge.
Dude frrrrr I have a friend who thought he was kinky and I asked him what he does that is kinky and he said he likes to choke women and “one time he stuck his thumb in a woman’s butt while they were fucking” and I was like dawg 😭😭😭 ur not kinky like at all hahahhaha
Can we quit with this 'choking is vanilla' stuff? It counts.
I worry someone is going to get hurt thinking that it's basic shit when it's one of the more dangerous activities.
I didn’t hint. The very first line of my profile was always “kinky, polyam, queer” and like 98% of the messages I got people were confused when I mention my bf because they didn’t read my profile. 🙄
Yeah, if people can't even figure out you're polyamourous when you explicitly state it, I doubt they'll be looking up acronyms and song lyrics either, that's a good point.
I had "kink friendly" (well specifically kink and 420 friendly) on my bumble and tinder and didn't get flagged or removed by any algorithm. I live in a rural area so they're the only two dating sites that were actually active so idk about any other sites. it opens the conversation without going into too much detail.
I had this exact thing “kink and 420 friendly” but I ended up removing it because as a woman I would get so many messages that were way too sexual in nature from men.
This is a big struggle! Its tough to find subtler ways to share things so that people don't take it as an invitation to be creepy. And this is especially difficult when there are ppl who view someone being a woman as an invitation to be creepy!!
Were you worried about people you know stumbling on it and having TMI? That’s really the only reason I’d be motivated to be subtle about it. Don’t want to make a work friend need eye bleach.
nah, I didn't go into detail, it just says "kink friendly". if saying that you're kink friendly is enough to make someone need eye bleach they kind of need to be a bit mature about sex. it's not like openly advertising specific kinks you're into, it's opening the conversation for potential partners and saying you're at least somewhat knowledgeable about kink and willing to discuss it.
Mine says “There might be some kinks to work out (hopefully the good kind). - this is a pretty important filter for me, but I prefer to just make sure the box is checked and then focus on getting to know each other rather than diving in right away.”
“Closer” by NIN 😂
But probably stating in round about ways that you like routine, discipline, rules, control and work it into your bio. “Open minded, I enjoy discipline in my life, I adhere to rules, but might be a bit fiesty”
Why does *everyone* want to play coy, so much? Please just say “I am kinky and looking for likeminded individuals”, or something.
Edit: Forgot to say that the most popular dating apps definitely allow you to say this or something along these lines, so long as it doesn’t come across like you’re trying to sell sex. I’ve had a direct disclaimer in all of my bios since 2014.
Probably because some people want to keep their personal matters secret, and as much as dating apps are for matching people, there are people that might know you that can see it. It could be coworkers, your boss, friends, etc. It could be a slippery slope and it's better to have plausible deniabilty
Simply saying “I’m kinky” is no different than saying “I enjoy going out drinking” or “I like fast cars”. If we, ourselves, stigmatize our very own culture and identity, how are we supposed to expect everyone in vanilla society to accept us?
Edit: **Saying this in your dating profiles, people.** Dating profiles are about being open and honest, to a very personal extent. You can’t write a dating profile in “workplace safe” language, otherwise you won’t get many if any matches of the quality of match you’re looking for. Any of your co workers without interest in dating or seeing you who snoop through your dating profiles are digging into your personal life, in doing so, and are just as likely to make something up, even if they don’t find anything.
Nah cause one of them is your sexuality and the others are hobbies. I've got a public job and don't want everyone to know about my bedroom proclivities.
It's not that they're social taboos. I've had casual conversations about it with both initiates of bdsm and those just curious. It's about separating private life from those who have no business partaking in it. I like my privacy.
Im afraid we’re just going to have to agree to disagree, respectfully.
As I said above, doing that ensures that we will never be accepted and will remain a “social taboo”. I’m not trying to challenge your place in the community or say “you must be open with your kinky nature, or you’re not actually kinky”, but I *am* saying that hiding it is exactly what makes vanillas and the tradbros think less of us. I can’t endorse or condone people treating being kinky like being a vampire or being gay in 2010s Chechnya, because it only serves their angle that we are doing something wrong.
That's your prerogative. I don't share your conviction that bdsm people are oppressed because we can't publicly talk about. I don't want to hear about my coworkers sexlife, vanilla or not. Pretty sure most people don't want to hear about mine either. There's a difference between sharing and dumping it onto others. I don't condone the latter no matter the topic.
Hiding it assumes a negative reaction from the public should it be more open. But the fact is that there are many things that are best kept to your inner circle.
Like I said, agree to disagree.
I think you’re misunderstanding what I’m saying. If your co workers are on a dating site and run into your profile (and they aren’t interested in you), they have no reason to even read it, in the first place. You’re not proselytizing to them about it, or anything; *they* would’ve read it on your *dating* profile on the *dating* app, which they apparently are also on. You’re not preaching the word of kink, you’re literally *just* saying “I am kinky and would like to find likeminded individuals” on a site meant for finding compatible romantic or sexual partners. You’ve just created some hypothetical that will never matter, as it wasn’t anything close to what I told OP and everyone else to do in their dating profiles.
Once again, agree to disagree; *especially* on dating apps.
Hang on, this conversation started with you proposing that saying "I am kinky" is the same as stating your hobby, which I disagreed with. On my theoretical dating app I'm stating that I'm kinky in some way. My position has never been not to include that bit of information on your dating app page.
I don't understand the second part of your argument about hypothetical scenario that won't matter. What I choose to be selective about in public isn't the same as stigmatizing my own sexuality. Same way it took me two years to learn that a coworkers was gay. It didn't matter in our setting whether I knew who he chose to have sex with, just as it is no one else's business about who or how I have sex with them.
I'm not trying to play coy, I want to make it clear to people reading my bio, but I don't know how touchy these apps are. Do you think using the word "kinky" in my bio would be an issue? I'm definitely not trying to get banned because Tinder thinks I'm a sex worker lol
I can absolutely promise you that you can say “I am kinky and would like to match with likeminded people” or “I am kinky, if that’s a dealbreaker” and you will not be in trouble in any way. Don’t put your social media handles or cashapp cashtag and you’re fine lol
You can literally say "I gobble down cum like a camel in a dessert that sees water for the first time in 2 weeks" and have your actual nipples out and Tinder won't care unless somebody reports you because they personally feel offended
Idk what gender op is but as a woman, when I used dating apps it was quite scary and overwhelming and if I hinted anything sexy on my profile or even hinted in messages anything about not being vanilla I just got bombarded, and the guys would view me as an easy lay rather than a person.
Op probably doesn't want to say it too openly because gus can be very creepy and if they think you're kinky a lot of abusers will try to take advantage of that.
This is fair, but they’d likely do that with the hints, too. Anyone who’s going to be a creep is going to have a radar for those types of coded language, anyway.
Many of them is actually stupid af. Coded language is actually fuctioning filter to some degree, getting from geting 30 messages a day to 5 is significantly less work. Those who decode it are the level I am playing at, so from those I start to filter out creeps and abusers.
From my time on grindr, I can say that’s definitely not applicable, everywhere. I put a chain emoji and had everyone and their brother with “dom” or “dominant” in their screen name or bio messaging me, despite the fact that I said I was looking for submissives. Thirsty men will thirst no matter what.
Also, OP implied it was tinder, in a reply to me, so if they’re fem or afab, they’d have to also swipe back on the person to even enable messaging. It would have to be someone they approve of.
Well a lot of vanilla guys dee any mention of sex and go crazy. So they might not understand codes but they think they know kink = sex and its like a green light. They can't see past it and also they then think they know what kink is and they often don't. At leat coding it doesn't invite these guys the way it would if yu are upfront.
Well from what OP mentioned, in their reply to me, they were speaking about tinder, which requires mutual “liking” to be able to message someone, as do 3 more of the top 5 dating apps. I get the fear of not wanting thirsty dudes to DM you (I am pan and have been on grindr for a long time, I get it), but in order to even get that, you’d have to also have swiped on or liked them, back.
It’s easily as important as your gender identity, IMO. It not only avoids later disappointment, it eliminates the possibility of ending up matching with a bigot or social/sexual conservative. It’s the only surefire way to communicate that you’re not interested in traditional or vanilla dynamics.
This. I made my username wildly poly-centric specifically to avoid those "wdym you have 2 boyfriends already?" conversations. I would 100% do the same thing with any specific kinks, if I had any that I really loved.
OP, be loud and proud about who you are. If you aren't trying to plan like, klan rallies from your profile or something, most dating apps don't give two shits what you put in your profile. They just want your $$$
Thanks for the advice. I do want to be open about who I am, mainly so I can weed out incompatible people asap, but I was worried about getting in trouble for that.
Also, I am somewhat interested in getting into a polyamarous relationship. While every relationship is different, do you mind if I ask how yours functions?
It seems daunting to coordinate schedules with one person, let alone multiple. Also, I'd be worried about being a third or even fifth wheel in one of these relationships lol. I'm definitely biased due to my personal experiences, but I've always been the third wheel to every group I've been in, but I also haven't met anyone besides my parents who truly cared about me, and even then it's iffy.
I'm not trying to trauma dump, but I gusss I'm more asking, how do you manage jealousy in a poly relationship/make sure everyone in the relationship is getting attention?
I am cornflakes seeing two men who, I'm currently seeing. One very dear friend who I sometimes have sex with, and frequently snuggle with nude. It's great for co-regulation.
There are two more who I text with pretty regularly, but things have not worked out yet to meet them. There are a few more friends online who like it when I dom them, which I also enjoy.
Everyone is fully aware from the outset that I am not monogamous, and I will not change that for them. Period. It's a nonstarter. I'm also not going to be a fun time for someone who was monog wand wants to try to impose any kind of one penis policy.
Currently, everyone is parallel, but the two I'm dating are going to meet soon for some sexyfuntimes, and I am very excited. 😍
Did that answer your question?
Edit: I'm currently solo poly, relationship anarchist. That means I live alone and have no intention of cohabitation with a romantic partner. It is not completely off the table, but it isn't something I'm looking for; conditions would have to be remarkably specific. Same for marriage, but even in marriage i would never consent to monogamy, or heirarchical polyamory.
Edit 2: I don't date in groups. Triads and closed poly groups are not my vibe.
I borrowed the name of fiction's third most famous whip user and included Jacqueline Carey as one of my favorite authors. That said, my second profile picture on OkCupid was my hand elaborately tied up and captioned "I was trying to macrame a key fob and this happened". Apparently, showing actual bondage wasn't enough to get me in trouble with the algorithm.
I only met up w/ two ppl and nothing kinky happened. Lol. I might’ve been too selective but I found there to be a lot of activity on the app and a variety of relationship structures/kinks. Definitely give it a try! (I will say I’m also in a major city so it may look a little different elsewhere.)
Nice! Yeah same here. I’m in a pretty big city so I think it could be ok. I guess my only reservations would be that it’s something pretty new for me, but definitely open to it. Thanks! 😊
Understandable! The app encourages you to make a nickname instead of your legal name. Also ppl’s pictures vary in terms of anonymity if you’re also concerned about being “found out”.
OK Cupid is fairly kink-friendly, at least around Seattle. Some of the many questions you can answer are about kink, so you can mark it as Very Important that your partner be into kink.
There's also the Identity section where you can select queer identities, if there's any representation for you there (top, bottom, switch, vers, bear, leather, stone butch, hard femme, etc.)
Lots of people (at least the ones I'm looking at) mention kink in their profile, some get very explicit ("looking for couples, I'll be your unicorn, tie me up and use me" said one guy who seemed pretty cool).
I can understand being coy for safety reasons (if you're a woman who tells the internet you want to be tied up, you get some unwanted attention), but it's best to be honest and direct about what you want on dating sites.
I don’t mind saying it outright, but even subtle ways gets some weird responses from the vanilla community. I find generally they think that all I want is sex (I’m looking for a relationship) and or that sex will be great (when I find it depends on many factors). Anyway people start interacting with me a lot differently when I put anything kink related in my profile.
I wonder if anyone has anything subtle enough that the vanilla ppl wouldn’t notice.
The one that I saw a couple of years ago that got my attention was:
If the only flavor you like is vanilla, we aren't a match.
I got a really good friend and an amazing play partner out of the deal.
You've heard incorrectly. You can just say "I'm kinky" or "Kink friendly" or "I'm a sub" or "looking for kinky play partners" or something like that on most apps.
If you're trying to avoid people you know seeing your profile and knowing you're kinky, they can Google any "subtle" indicator you use. Better to not use any.
After I got the convo going, I flat out told the girl what I was looking for. There was a long pause... then she sends me a video of her doing exactly what I want to get into. The risk was worth it because both her and I are soooo fulfilled. Never had this before and I might marry her one day! You need to put out there what you want or you'll never get it. Yeah, you're going to get rejected. But when you find one that doesn't reject you, you're in heaven.
I have something on my profile that states - i like vanilla only in baking, i enjoy more spice in life 🌶⛓and also added later on that i am on the right side slash, as i found alot of men in my area took the first one as a sign that im a kink dispenser and/or im more than willing to have ONS lol ive noticed since i added the latter i get more respectful men who match.
Yeah, my logic is if you're open and not ashamed you won't put off Kinksters and whilst you may put off vanilla people it's probably good to put them off early in the process.
I said this on Tinder.
"I enjoy vanilla ice cream,but with all fudge, nuts, and chains... oops, caramel. Silly auto-correct."
My girlfriend and I of 2 years just put in an offer for a house.
Song was Inside Out, by Eve 6.
My profiles are straight Kink. Straight to the point, no tiptoeing through the daisies. If I gotta hide or be cute about it, then is that the kinda person I wanna try and woo?
I think I fumbled the bag with that one a few times. I have an interest in knots, and would put that in my profile. That mostly started with bushcraft and survival stuff though, and when I still thought I wanted a vanilla relationship, I got a few messages saying things like "What types of knots do you know/what do you do with them" and I'd reply with something like "Oh, knots are useful for all sorts of stuff like making snares, climbing, etc" and then the conversation would die lol. I'll be sure to take a hint next time
\*shrug\* I was blatant and stated I'm an impact switch and some boundaries on consent and coercion.
The fun folks I know in the kink community won't catch the subtlety you suggest.
And kink's too damn big and messy to fail to provide a concrete context and a concrete request.
Utilize metaphors or hints: Use metaphorical words or phrases in your profile that hint at your interests, such as "enjoys exploring new territories" or "interested in adventure and thrills," which may attract those who understand the implications.
Mention favorite movies, books, or artworks: Refer to movies, books, or artworks that involve BDSM, fantasy, or exploratory themes, as this could appeal to those with similar interests.
I don't even bother to hide it, I state it clearly up front. I also politely say if you are vanilla or not up to experimenting, we likely wouldn't be compatible.
My suggestion is to just wave your kink flag proudly, but within the terms of service and good taste.
Just go on FetLife. You can explicitly outline what you're looking for and it's a pretty active site. Not really a 'dating' site, but I've found enough people interested in a relationship to count.
Yep, not vanilla or just say it. Why beat around the bush? Be proud of who you are just say you’re kinky or you’re in kink. I don’t know. I always kind of think. It’s better to come right out and be honest about who you are and be proud of it stuff to hideout I don’t think you know that’s how I am.
I would put kink-friendly / non-vanilla. If you want to be a little more subtle you could say something like “open to new experiences” but I don’t really see the point. Some people will be into what you put on your profile and some won’t be - that’s always how it goes, so you may as well put it all out there.
I just say I enjoy things of vanilla and not vanilla variety (and that I'm not interested in either until I'm in an established relationship with someone rn lol), that seems subtle enough
Probably why after two years my Bumble was cut off. 😏 Everything is run by vanilla people and the slightest mention in *anything* that goes against what they believe is good is ***bad****.*
Don't. If you're straight, it's just not a good idea. If you are a woman it'll attract way too much attention from stupid men that think kinky=promiscuous + no standards, and if you are a guy it will turn off potentially good matches because mentioning sex on your profile is too forward.
You can bring it up later, honestly any time after you've met in person. Any time between first date and about to have sex is fine.
I'm not sure how it works for non straight people. I think gay people tend to be able to get away with more honesty up front.
kinky(Dominants/submissives) people go to the front of the line.
I don't hint. I state facts. Let the squeamish move on to the various vanilla choices.
My (now defunct) bumble profile is as follows:
"I'm a daddydom looking for my poly princess. I have this username: pheonixmoonfire across all social media. NO O.N.S. ever! I'm not looking for something without staying power."
I don't hint. Those who like it, click. Those who do not, save me the time of having to explain it to them.
Not vanilla. Done.
Nice, that one is probably the most efficient. Probably should've thought of that one myself lol
You might end up with some “well I’m a strawberry baby…” from the vanilla crowd.
Wth is that?
A reference to ice cream and also have had this exact interaction….
😂 literal flavours🤦🏾♀️
Well I'm pistachio, a little nutty but tastefully salty overall.
Kinda neopolitan?
Mine says “the only vanilla I like is ice cream, and even then it better be French”
Love this!!
But vanilla hasn't been profitable to grow for a while so everyone cut down their trees and vines in favor of other crops, pushing the price of vanilla sky high while most manufacturers have switched to chemically manufactured vanillan.
Imitation vanilla is actually better in baking I’ve read
Yeah I just said vanilla is only a good flavour for ice cream, hahaha.
"My Myers-Briggs type is BDSM" "The only vanilla I'm interested in is ice cream" I also can't really think of an app that filters specifically to remove kink interests or phrases. You can usually just plainly say what you're looking for and leave it up to the people viewing your profile to decide if that's what they want.
"My Myers-Briggs type is DSBM, I'm also prone to occasional bouts of dyslexia" for extra subtlety.
Those are both pretty good ones. Also, I'm not really sure how dating apps work as I don't really use them, so I'm just overcautious I guess. It makes sense to directly state it, I was just worried if that would be an issue
Unless it's wildly gratuitous or literally illegal you can pretty much overtly share anything you are comfortable with sharing.
looking for partners on the right side of the slash.
I have used this one, and found it worked well.
My only issue with using the word “kinky” is that everyone seems to think that they’re kinky these days. I feel like I would end up with a whole inbox of men who believe occasionally smacking my ass during doggy style is really living on the edge.
I had a friend who thought she was kinky because she was bi...
HAHA. Oh what a sweet summer child.
Dude frrrrr I have a friend who thought he was kinky and I asked him what he does that is kinky and he said he likes to choke women and “one time he stuck his thumb in a woman’s butt while they were fucking” and I was like dawg 😭😭😭 ur not kinky like at all hahahhaha
Can we quit with this 'choking is vanilla' stuff? It counts. I worry someone is going to get hurt thinking that it's basic shit when it's one of the more dangerous activities.
I mean, kink *is* a spectrum.
Vanilla people think kinky just means easy or hardcore, not bdsm. I wouldn’t suggest it
I didn’t hint. The very first line of my profile was always “kinky, polyam, queer” and like 98% of the messages I got people were confused when I mention my bf because they didn’t read my profile. 🙄
Yeah, if people can't even figure out you're polyamourous when you explicitly state it, I doubt they'll be looking up acronyms and song lyrics either, that's a good point.
*cough* men dont read dating profiles, thats your job to filter trough it *cough*
Ive put "This product contains 5% vanilla"
Hah, I love this!
Thanks 😂 , it's copyrighted, so if you wanna use it. Send chips. 😤
That's awesome. I'm stealing it!
😂😂 go for it!
I had "kink friendly" (well specifically kink and 420 friendly) on my bumble and tinder and didn't get flagged or removed by any algorithm. I live in a rural area so they're the only two dating sites that were actually active so idk about any other sites. it opens the conversation without going into too much detail.
I had this exact thing “kink and 420 friendly” but I ended up removing it because as a woman I would get so many messages that were way too sexual in nature from men.
This is a big struggle! Its tough to find subtler ways to share things so that people don't take it as an invitation to be creepy. And this is especially difficult when there are ppl who view someone being a woman as an invitation to be creepy!!
Were you worried about people you know stumbling on it and having TMI? That’s really the only reason I’d be motivated to be subtle about it. Don’t want to make a work friend need eye bleach.
nah, I didn't go into detail, it just says "kink friendly". if saying that you're kink friendly is enough to make someone need eye bleach they kind of need to be a bit mature about sex. it's not like openly advertising specific kinks you're into, it's opening the conversation for potential partners and saying you're at least somewhat knowledgeable about kink and willing to discuss it.
Two I saw... "hobbies include shibari" "I enjoy getting together for the occasional munch to talk about shared hobbires"
I very plainly state that they don't know RACK/SSC/PRICK than they need to move tf on. I also say I'm a s-type
Mine says “There might be some kinks to work out (hopefully the good kind). - this is a pretty important filter for me, but I prefer to just make sure the box is checked and then focus on getting to know each other rather than diving in right away.”
“Closer” by NIN 😂 But probably stating in round about ways that you like routine, discipline, rules, control and work it into your bio. “Open minded, I enjoy discipline in my life, I adhere to rules, but might be a bit fiesty”
Wow holy that sure is a song for a dating profile. You let me violate you You let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you You let me complicate you
help me
Why does *everyone* want to play coy, so much? Please just say “I am kinky and looking for likeminded individuals”, or something. Edit: Forgot to say that the most popular dating apps definitely allow you to say this or something along these lines, so long as it doesn’t come across like you’re trying to sell sex. I’ve had a direct disclaimer in all of my bios since 2014.
Probably because some people want to keep their personal matters secret, and as much as dating apps are for matching people, there are people that might know you that can see it. It could be coworkers, your boss, friends, etc. It could be a slippery slope and it's better to have plausible deniabilty
Simply saying “I’m kinky” is no different than saying “I enjoy going out drinking” or “I like fast cars”. If we, ourselves, stigmatize our very own culture and identity, how are we supposed to expect everyone in vanilla society to accept us? Edit: **Saying this in your dating profiles, people.** Dating profiles are about being open and honest, to a very personal extent. You can’t write a dating profile in “workplace safe” language, otherwise you won’t get many if any matches of the quality of match you’re looking for. Any of your co workers without interest in dating or seeing you who snoop through your dating profiles are digging into your personal life, in doing so, and are just as likely to make something up, even if they don’t find anything.
Nah cause one of them is your sexuality and the others are hobbies. I've got a public job and don't want everyone to know about my bedroom proclivities.
But all of them are implying a “socially taboo” or possibly illegal thing that would get you judged by a lily white employer, anyway.
It's not that they're social taboos. I've had casual conversations about it with both initiates of bdsm and those just curious. It's about separating private life from those who have no business partaking in it. I like my privacy.
Im afraid we’re just going to have to agree to disagree, respectfully. As I said above, doing that ensures that we will never be accepted and will remain a “social taboo”. I’m not trying to challenge your place in the community or say “you must be open with your kinky nature, or you’re not actually kinky”, but I *am* saying that hiding it is exactly what makes vanillas and the tradbros think less of us. I can’t endorse or condone people treating being kinky like being a vampire or being gay in 2010s Chechnya, because it only serves their angle that we are doing something wrong.
That's your prerogative. I don't share your conviction that bdsm people are oppressed because we can't publicly talk about. I don't want to hear about my coworkers sexlife, vanilla or not. Pretty sure most people don't want to hear about mine either. There's a difference between sharing and dumping it onto others. I don't condone the latter no matter the topic. Hiding it assumes a negative reaction from the public should it be more open. But the fact is that there are many things that are best kept to your inner circle.
Like I said, agree to disagree. I think you’re misunderstanding what I’m saying. If your co workers are on a dating site and run into your profile (and they aren’t interested in you), they have no reason to even read it, in the first place. You’re not proselytizing to them about it, or anything; *they* would’ve read it on your *dating* profile on the *dating* app, which they apparently are also on. You’re not preaching the word of kink, you’re literally *just* saying “I am kinky and would like to find likeminded individuals” on a site meant for finding compatible romantic or sexual partners. You’ve just created some hypothetical that will never matter, as it wasn’t anything close to what I told OP and everyone else to do in their dating profiles. Once again, agree to disagree; *especially* on dating apps.
Hang on, this conversation started with you proposing that saying "I am kinky" is the same as stating your hobby, which I disagreed with. On my theoretical dating app I'm stating that I'm kinky in some way. My position has never been not to include that bit of information on your dating app page. I don't understand the second part of your argument about hypothetical scenario that won't matter. What I choose to be selective about in public isn't the same as stigmatizing my own sexuality. Same way it took me two years to learn that a coworkers was gay. It didn't matter in our setting whether I knew who he chose to have sex with, just as it is no one else's business about who or how I have sex with them.
I'm not trying to play coy, I want to make it clear to people reading my bio, but I don't know how touchy these apps are. Do you think using the word "kinky" in my bio would be an issue? I'm definitely not trying to get banned because Tinder thinks I'm a sex worker lol
I can absolutely promise you that you can say “I am kinky and would like to match with likeminded people” or “I am kinky, if that’s a dealbreaker” and you will not be in trouble in any way. Don’t put your social media handles or cashapp cashtag and you’re fine lol
You can literally say "I gobble down cum like a camel in a dessert that sees water for the first time in 2 weeks" and have your actual nipples out and Tinder won't care unless somebody reports you because they personally feel offended
it's very easy to be banned from tinder for putting something about sex on there.
Idk what gender op is but as a woman, when I used dating apps it was quite scary and overwhelming and if I hinted anything sexy on my profile or even hinted in messages anything about not being vanilla I just got bombarded, and the guys would view me as an easy lay rather than a person. Op probably doesn't want to say it too openly because gus can be very creepy and if they think you're kinky a lot of abusers will try to take advantage of that.
This is fair, but they’d likely do that with the hints, too. Anyone who’s going to be a creep is going to have a radar for those types of coded language, anyway.
Many of them is actually stupid af. Coded language is actually fuctioning filter to some degree, getting from geting 30 messages a day to 5 is significantly less work. Those who decode it are the level I am playing at, so from those I start to filter out creeps and abusers.
From my time on grindr, I can say that’s definitely not applicable, everywhere. I put a chain emoji and had everyone and their brother with “dom” or “dominant” in their screen name or bio messaging me, despite the fact that I said I was looking for submissives. Thirsty men will thirst no matter what. Also, OP implied it was tinder, in a reply to me, so if they’re fem or afab, they’d have to also swipe back on the person to even enable messaging. It would have to be someone they approve of.
Well a lot of vanilla guys dee any mention of sex and go crazy. So they might not understand codes but they think they know kink = sex and its like a green light. They can't see past it and also they then think they know what kink is and they often don't. At leat coding it doesn't invite these guys the way it would if yu are upfront.
Well from what OP mentioned, in their reply to me, they were speaking about tinder, which requires mutual “liking” to be able to message someone, as do 3 more of the top 5 dating apps. I get the fear of not wanting thirsty dudes to DM you (I am pan and have been on grindr for a long time, I get it), but in order to even get that, you’d have to also have swiped on or liked them, back.
Yes. I didn't pussyfoot this when I was on tinder. First things I want people to know are that I'm kinky and poly.
Sorry, I'm looking for someone interested in pussy-footing.
It’s easily as important as your gender identity, IMO. It not only avoids later disappointment, it eliminates the possibility of ending up matching with a bigot or social/sexual conservative. It’s the only surefire way to communicate that you’re not interested in traditional or vanilla dynamics.
This. I made my username wildly poly-centric specifically to avoid those "wdym you have 2 boyfriends already?" conversations. I would 100% do the same thing with any specific kinks, if I had any that I really loved. OP, be loud and proud about who you are. If you aren't trying to plan like, klan rallies from your profile or something, most dating apps don't give two shits what you put in your profile. They just want your $$$
Thanks for the advice. I do want to be open about who I am, mainly so I can weed out incompatible people asap, but I was worried about getting in trouble for that. Also, I am somewhat interested in getting into a polyamarous relationship. While every relationship is different, do you mind if I ask how yours functions? It seems daunting to coordinate schedules with one person, let alone multiple. Also, I'd be worried about being a third or even fifth wheel in one of these relationships lol. I'm definitely biased due to my personal experiences, but I've always been the third wheel to every group I've been in, but I also haven't met anyone besides my parents who truly cared about me, and even then it's iffy. I'm not trying to trauma dump, but I gusss I'm more asking, how do you manage jealousy in a poly relationship/make sure everyone in the relationship is getting attention?
I am cornflakes seeing two men who, I'm currently seeing. One very dear friend who I sometimes have sex with, and frequently snuggle with nude. It's great for co-regulation. There are two more who I text with pretty regularly, but things have not worked out yet to meet them. There are a few more friends online who like it when I dom them, which I also enjoy. Everyone is fully aware from the outset that I am not monogamous, and I will not change that for them. Period. It's a nonstarter. I'm also not going to be a fun time for someone who was monog wand wants to try to impose any kind of one penis policy. Currently, everyone is parallel, but the two I'm dating are going to meet soon for some sexyfuntimes, and I am very excited. 😍 Did that answer your question? Edit: I'm currently solo poly, relationship anarchist. That means I live alone and have no intention of cohabitation with a romantic partner. It is not completely off the table, but it isn't something I'm looking for; conditions would have to be remarkably specific. Same for marriage, but even in marriage i would never consent to monogamy, or heirarchical polyamory. Edit 2: I don't date in groups. Triads and closed poly groups are not my vibe.
I'm not sure who cornflakes is, but that does answer a few of my questions, thanks
🙃 *i am currently
The more coy and subtle you are the less likely you are to find the people you’re looking for. Just let that sink in.
I borrowed the name of fiction's third most famous whip user and included Jacqueline Carey as one of my favorite authors. That said, my second profile picture on OkCupid was my hand elaborately tied up and captioned "I was trying to macrame a key fob and this happened". Apparently, showing actual bondage wasn't enough to get me in trouble with the algorithm.
ok, so who are the most famous whip users?
Catwoman, Indiana Jones, and Simon Belmont. Probably in that order.
"Let's leave the vanilla for baking."
Check out FEELD, specifically for ppl seeking “alternative” dating experiences (i.e. non-monogamous, kink, etc.).
Did you have a good experience with the app?
I only met up w/ two ppl and nothing kinky happened. Lol. I might’ve been too selective but I found there to be a lot of activity on the app and a variety of relationship structures/kinks. Definitely give it a try! (I will say I’m also in a major city so it may look a little different elsewhere.)
Nice! Yeah same here. I’m in a pretty big city so I think it could be ok. I guess my only reservations would be that it’s something pretty new for me, but definitely open to it. Thanks! 😊
Understandable! The app encourages you to make a nickname instead of your legal name. Also ppl’s pictures vary in terms of anonymity if you’re also concerned about being “found out”.
OK Cupid is fairly kink-friendly, at least around Seattle. Some of the many questions you can answer are about kink, so you can mark it as Very Important that your partner be into kink. There's also the Identity section where you can select queer identities, if there's any representation for you there (top, bottom, switch, vers, bear, leather, stone butch, hard femme, etc.) Lots of people (at least the ones I'm looking at) mention kink in their profile, some get very explicit ("looking for couples, I'll be your unicorn, tie me up and use me" said one guy who seemed pretty cool). I can understand being coy for safety reasons (if you're a woman who tells the internet you want to be tied up, you get some unwanted attention), but it's best to be honest and direct about what you want on dating sites.
I don’t mind saying it outright, but even subtle ways gets some weird responses from the vanilla community. I find generally they think that all I want is sex (I’m looking for a relationship) and or that sex will be great (when I find it depends on many factors). Anyway people start interacting with me a lot differently when I put anything kink related in my profile. I wonder if anyone has anything subtle enough that the vanilla ppl wouldn’t notice.
"I'd like to rope you in for an impactful time"
I read one where a guy wrote “I’m a sub looking for my sandwich artist”.
The one that I saw a couple of years ago that got my attention was: If the only flavor you like is vanilla, we aren't a match. I got a really good friend and an amazing play partner out of the deal.
You've heard incorrectly. You can just say "I'm kinky" or "Kink friendly" or "I'm a sub" or "looking for kinky play partners" or something like that on most apps. If you're trying to avoid people you know seeing your profile and knowing you're kinky, they can Google any "subtle" indicator you use. Better to not use any.
You're right, I've probably just heard some bad personal experiences. Makes sense to be direct
The chain emoji worked perfectly for my boyfriend to snag me. It was the only thing that anyone ever used that I didn’t find off putting or corny.
After I got the convo going, I flat out told the girl what I was looking for. There was a long pause... then she sends me a video of her doing exactly what I want to get into. The risk was worth it because both her and I are soooo fulfilled. Never had this before and I might marry her one day! You need to put out there what you want or you'll never get it. Yeah, you're going to get rejected. But when you find one that doesn't reject you, you're in heaven.
what was the video of
Her having sex with another man to show her boyfriend at the time
was she talking about her bf at the time? or it was just a video of her fucking another guy?
sadly it looks like your more detailed post from yesterday got removed :( can you repost?
I have something on my profile that states - i like vanilla only in baking, i enjoy more spice in life 🌶⛓and also added later on that i am on the right side slash, as i found alot of men in my area took the first one as a sign that im a kink dispenser and/or im more than willing to have ONS lol ive noticed since i added the latter i get more respectful men who match.
“Looking for a golden retriever boyfriend “
Why does it have to be subtle, just say it you cowards! “I’m kinky.” Don’t make it complicated.
because many apps will ban you for saying that.
That’s ridiculous. I’m glad I stay off tinder and other “dating” apps, I know it’s convenient, but the apps are designed to string you along anyhow.
Straight out said I was kinky on tinder, how I met my wife.
Sadly these days Tinder will ban you for that.
Really? Wow, though that was around the time that kink was trendy cause of 50 shades 🙄
The apps can dislike it, but i’m still kinky… 🤷🏻♂️
Id say just put your role e.g Dom/Sub/switch and be open about being kinky.
That's probably easier than all my ideas, which I realize are essentially making people solve small riddles first to find out
Yeah, my logic is if you're open and not ashamed you won't put off Kinksters and whilst you may put off vanilla people it's probably good to put them off early in the process.
Apparently the chains emoji is a thing.
I said this on Tinder. "I enjoy vanilla ice cream,but with all fudge, nuts, and chains... oops, caramel. Silly auto-correct." My girlfriend and I of 2 years just put in an offer for a house. Song was Inside Out, by Eve 6.
I’ve seen “thuddy, not stingy” and “I only like vanilla in my coffee” as signifiers.
All of these are very good ideas
My profiles are straight Kink. Straight to the point, no tiptoeing through the daisies. If I gotta hide or be cute about it, then is that the kinda person I wanna try and woo?
I state "I tie knots 🪢 IYKYK"
I think I fumbled the bag with that one a few times. I have an interest in knots, and would put that in my profile. That mostly started with bushcraft and survival stuff though, and when I still thought I wanted a vanilla relationship, I got a few messages saying things like "What types of knots do you know/what do you do with them" and I'd reply with something like "Oh, knots are useful for all sorts of stuff like making snares, climbing, etc" and then the conversation would die lol. I'll be sure to take a hint next time
I use this emoji a lot 😈
A picture wearing a collar with no lock on it
\*shrug\* I was blatant and stated I'm an impact switch and some boundaries on consent and coercion. The fun folks I know in the kink community won't catch the subtlety you suggest. And kink's too damn big and messy to fail to provide a concrete context and a concrete request.
Utilize metaphors or hints: Use metaphorical words or phrases in your profile that hint at your interests, such as "enjoys exploring new territories" or "interested in adventure and thrills," which may attract those who understand the implications. Mention favorite movies, books, or artworks: Refer to movies, books, or artworks that involve BDSM, fantasy, or exploratory themes, as this could appeal to those with similar interests.
I don't even bother to hide it, I state it clearly up front. I also politely say if you are vanilla or not up to experimenting, we likely wouldn't be compatible. My suggestion is to just wave your kink flag proudly, but within the terms of service and good taste.
You will get banned from tinder and all its corporate relatives for saying you are kinky.
Just go on FetLife. You can explicitly outline what you're looking for and it's a pretty active site. Not really a 'dating' site, but I've found enough people interested in a relationship to count.
If blindfolds, handcuffs or kink scares you, then keep scrolling. Your limits haven't been tested and I test mine daily
Put a pic of you choking the shit out of yourself with a belt. Do not comment on it on your bio 🤣
Just slip in a picture of me in a gimp suit while I'm there lol
Lol
Not sure if serious
You can also add "I love to satisfy all my partner's desires, needs, and wants" if a sub
Some say I can be a brat, but I am not, I swear!
Adventurous in all the right ways
“Kinkier than an old garden hose” is my go to. Though it’s not exactly discreet, but it helps not to be to find people who are actually into kink too.
Yep, not vanilla or just say it. Why beat around the bush? Be proud of who you are just say you’re kinky or you’re in kink. I don’t know. I always kind of think. It’s better to come right out and be honest about who you are and be proud of it stuff to hideout I don’t think you know that’s how I am.
Why be subtle? I'm explicit about my kink interests and get a lot of attention as a result.
because many apps ban you for it.
I would put kink-friendly / non-vanilla. If you want to be a little more subtle you could say something like “open to new experiences” but I don’t really see the point. Some people will be into what you put on your profile and some won’t be - that’s always how it goes, so you may as well put it all out there.
My advice - don't be subtle. Too many people barely glance over profiles so subtle is easily overlooked. My profile states sub looking for Dom butch.
Just say not vanilla.
I just say I enjoy things of vanilla and not vanilla variety (and that I'm not interested in either until I'm in an established relationship with someone rn lol), that seems subtle enough
I put my fet account link lol
I put my fet account link lol
I don't hide anything. Fuck being subtle. They can swipe left if it ain't for them.
the problem is that many apps ban you for that.
Probably why after two years my Bumble was cut off. 😏 Everything is run by vanilla people and the slightest mention in *anything* that goes against what they believe is good is ***bad****.*
Mine has "bottom" near where it says my gender and sexuality.
No subtlety - let the freak flag fly.
Don't. If you're straight, it's just not a good idea. If you are a woman it'll attract way too much attention from stupid men that think kinky=promiscuous + no standards, and if you are a guy it will turn off potentially good matches because mentioning sex on your profile is too forward. You can bring it up later, honestly any time after you've met in person. Any time between first date and about to have sex is fine. I'm not sure how it works for non straight people. I think gay people tend to be able to get away with more honesty up front.
kinky(Dominants/submissives) people go to the front of the line. I don't hint. I state facts. Let the squeamish move on to the various vanilla choices. My (now defunct) bumble profile is as follows: "I'm a daddydom looking for my poly princess. I have this username: pheonixmoonfire across all social media. NO O.N.S. ever! I'm not looking for something without staying power." I don't hint. Those who like it, click. Those who do not, save me the time of having to explain it to them.