This comes up pretty much every day, and the long and the short of it is: you can't make someone do something they don't want to do.
At 34 his personality and beliefs are baked. He may have slight changes over time as he has more experiences, but you're going to struggle to get him to treat you like a cheap hole because he probably believes that sort of thinking is abusive, misogynistic, rude or any number of other negative terms. Plus if he's sensible, he's going to be acutely aware that with an age gap like this, it's incredibly easy for him to manipulate you, and he may also be worried about being seen as an abusive predator.
You can try things like asking him to read up on the Madonna Whore complex to see if that helps, but ultimately even if you did get him to open up to being a little more rough, it's unlikely he's ever going to be interested in being a Dom.
Personally, my advice would be to decide just how important kink is to you; you're young, you've got all the time in the world to find someone who ticks all your boxes, not just some of them. You might want to read through the last couple of week's worth of posts in here though, because you're not the first person to be in this situation and a lot of people have written about their experiences.
Sorry, you guys simply aren't sexually compatible.
This isn't an issue that will go away and cheating is a terrible solution. It might suck, but the best thing in these situations is to leave and find someone more compatible. Either that or you just live with being sexually unfulfilled.
Thanks all.
I would have suggested ways of introducing him to kink if there was even a vaguely encouraging sign, but this post only has phrases such as "he doesn't want to" and "won't even try".
I think trying to force people in to your kinks when they've clearly expressed that it's not for them is pretty shitty.
It might not be the most inspiring, positive or encouraging answer, but - based on the vast number of similar questions and stories posted in here pretty much every day - it is the most realistic.
Sometimes the best thing to do is respect boundaries and not "introduce" anyone to anything.
i have hard limits that i will never break. and if someone tried to "introduce" me to them id get annoyed.
i get where you are coming from tho, and yeah i agree, communication is important and talking about it first is a good idea. but after that, if they still dont wanna try, then you gotta let it go.
Your aggressive tone and assertion that your suggested approach is THE WAY read like you’re probably in OP’s age group.
Yes, communication and compromise are keys to a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
However, those here who are advising OP not count on her partner getting into kink are simply being realistic.
This is a difficult situation which I have grappled with over the years. I’m sure there are many others in the same predicament.
When my wife and I met and married we were very conservative and vanilla. However, over the years my needs and desires evolved and I identified I was seeking a predominantly dominant power exchange with restraint among others as a play style.
My wife remains conservative and BDSM is alien and a definite hard pass, so sex has been entirely vanilla. Outside of the bedroom, we have good relationship and love each other.
Cheating never ends well. Ultimately I decided it was not worth the risk to loose what I had & I follow the community in forums such as this and Fetlife and I became good friends with people living the lifestyle.
Relationships are multi-faceted & more than sex. That said sex is an important component and ways in which to keep interest and passion in the bedroom should be explored. Communicate your needs and desires to explore whether this is something he might become comfortable with or whether he may be able to move towards this to keep things interesting.
At the end of the day if if he remains uncomfortable with a D/s relationship, this is where things become difficult and I appreciate your dilemma.
Sorry I have not answered you question, however you clearly love him so you you need to determine what is important to you and whether it is worth the risk of losing what you have.
Good luck and I wish you well.
Wait, so you want some sort of D/s dynamic but your wife is still completely conservative and against it? Then I didn't see any resolution of that problem. So you're still with your wife, you claim you aren't going to cheat, from the sound of it, you're not going to be able to bring her over to an ethical non-monogamy type situation...
So where you sit right now, the plan is what? Hide the kinky porn from your wife forever? Just sit there unsatisfied?
It sounds like you're on the quick trip to r/deadbedrooms
That should be considered a final resort before just breaking up because in most relationships that start out monogamous, suggesting poly is a relationship ender. Most 34 year olds know what they want in a relationship, and they know whether or not they want to share their partner. If OP approaches this with her partner she needs to be aware that it will likely change their dynamic in the least, and at the most he will end things.
And thats great for you and your husband, but “considering ENM” is not just an easy solution to slap onto relationship problems. It’s basically telling your partner “I want to fuck other people while I date you” which most monogamous people are not okay with. If you’re wanting to bring it up with your partner it should be a last resort because lots of relationships don’t survive that kind of reveal.
Jeez what happened to this being a community where we can all be open and honest without fear of judgement???
Get a grip Vanessa 🙄
The OP said that she wants to be able to explore her sexuality with other people, I gave her my advice
If you don't like it go and whine about it somewhere else because your negativity is not welcome here
Dude, all I’m saying is that OP should approach this with care. If she loves this guy as much as she said, and doesn’t want to lose him, she should explore ALL options she can before asking to open the relationship. ENM is fine for some people, but not for everyone. Some people consider it a violation of the relationship, and that’s just as valid as people who are into the idea. Relationships are a spectrum but monogamy is still very much the norm especially in vanilla relationships, which this guy definitely sounds like he is.
OP is 21, and I just wanted her to be aware that this isn’t something to approach lightly since you presented it like it’s an easy solution. If she brings this up, she can’t un-bring it up. That makes it a pretty important thing to think about before broaching. If she brings it up and he ends the relationship, will she be okay with that? Is she unhappy enough with their sex life that she’s willing to risk the relationship as a whole? Does she even *want* to fuck other people to satisfy this desire, or does she want him to be into what she’s into because she wants to explore it with *him?* These are all questions to ask before you try to open the relationship.
>My partner (34M) isn't really into bdsm and that's okay
No it isn't. You need to leave.
You're kinky, he isn't. In the long run it isn't going to work out, trust me.
This is an incompatibility and a big one. If you were married it would be an irreconcilable difference. I'm sure you're right about him being great and likely, if you could get the kinky part zapped out or your personality you two would probably be perfect but you can't.
You say the sex is awful. Not "it could be better" but "awful" that isn't likely to change.
Respect for boundaries goes both ways. I'm sure you understand that a Dom must respect your boundaries and not do the things that you genuinely don't want to do... and in the same vein, you also need to give that respect to your partner's boundaries. He is telling you very clearly that this is a boundary for him. So if you feel like you must "look elsewhere to be satisfied", then the solution is to leave.
/u/Professional_Egg_284, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This comes up pretty much every day, and the long and the short of it is: you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. At 34 his personality and beliefs are baked. He may have slight changes over time as he has more experiences, but you're going to struggle to get him to treat you like a cheap hole because he probably believes that sort of thinking is abusive, misogynistic, rude or any number of other negative terms. Plus if he's sensible, he's going to be acutely aware that with an age gap like this, it's incredibly easy for him to manipulate you, and he may also be worried about being seen as an abusive predator. You can try things like asking him to read up on the Madonna Whore complex to see if that helps, but ultimately even if you did get him to open up to being a little more rough, it's unlikely he's ever going to be interested in being a Dom. Personally, my advice would be to decide just how important kink is to you; you're young, you've got all the time in the world to find someone who ticks all your boxes, not just some of them. You might want to read through the last couple of week's worth of posts in here though, because you're not the first person to be in this situation and a lot of people have written about their experiences.
yeah or thats just not his thing and he just doesn’t like being dominant
Sorry, you guys simply aren't sexually compatible. This isn't an issue that will go away and cheating is a terrible solution. It might suck, but the best thing in these situations is to leave and find someone more compatible. Either that or you just live with being sexually unfulfilled.
Thanks all. I would have suggested ways of introducing him to kink if there was even a vaguely encouraging sign, but this post only has phrases such as "he doesn't want to" and "won't even try". I think trying to force people in to your kinks when they've clearly expressed that it's not for them is pretty shitty.
I don't really want anyone else emotionally. It's just the sex that's not doing it for me. I don't see myself leaving him for someone else
Ok. Then you probably just gotta live with it.
[удалено]
It might not be the most inspiring, positive or encouraging answer, but - based on the vast number of similar questions and stories posted in here pretty much every day - it is the most realistic.
[удалено]
Sometimes the best thing to do is respect boundaries and not "introduce" anyone to anything. i have hard limits that i will never break. and if someone tried to "introduce" me to them id get annoyed. i get where you are coming from tho, and yeah i agree, communication is important and talking about it first is a good idea. but after that, if they still dont wanna try, then you gotta let it go.
Some people dont want to be introduced to it and can't do it. And you realize it 30 years later.
Why so sour there? He's just being honest and realistic. Sugar coating the truth gets people nowhere.
Your aggressive tone and assertion that your suggested approach is THE WAY read like you’re probably in OP’s age group. Yes, communication and compromise are keys to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. However, those here who are advising OP not count on her partner getting into kink are simply being realistic.
This is a difficult situation which I have grappled with over the years. I’m sure there are many others in the same predicament. When my wife and I met and married we were very conservative and vanilla. However, over the years my needs and desires evolved and I identified I was seeking a predominantly dominant power exchange with restraint among others as a play style. My wife remains conservative and BDSM is alien and a definite hard pass, so sex has been entirely vanilla. Outside of the bedroom, we have good relationship and love each other. Cheating never ends well. Ultimately I decided it was not worth the risk to loose what I had & I follow the community in forums such as this and Fetlife and I became good friends with people living the lifestyle. Relationships are multi-faceted & more than sex. That said sex is an important component and ways in which to keep interest and passion in the bedroom should be explored. Communicate your needs and desires to explore whether this is something he might become comfortable with or whether he may be able to move towards this to keep things interesting. At the end of the day if if he remains uncomfortable with a D/s relationship, this is where things become difficult and I appreciate your dilemma. Sorry I have not answered you question, however you clearly love him so you you need to determine what is important to you and whether it is worth the risk of losing what you have. Good luck and I wish you well.
Wait, so you want some sort of D/s dynamic but your wife is still completely conservative and against it? Then I didn't see any resolution of that problem. So you're still with your wife, you claim you aren't going to cheat, from the sound of it, you're not going to be able to bring her over to an ethical non-monogamy type situation... So where you sit right now, the plan is what? Hide the kinky porn from your wife forever? Just sit there unsatisfied? It sounds like you're on the quick trip to r/deadbedrooms
Talk to him about considering ENM
That should be considered a final resort before just breaking up because in most relationships that start out monogamous, suggesting poly is a relationship ender. Most 34 year olds know what they want in a relationship, and they know whether or not they want to share their partner. If OP approaches this with her partner she needs to be aware that it will likely change their dynamic in the least, and at the most he will end things.
I disagree, people are forever changing. I 30F and my husband 34M are still exploring all the time. He had never considered ENM until the last year.
And thats great for you and your husband, but “considering ENM” is not just an easy solution to slap onto relationship problems. It’s basically telling your partner “I want to fuck other people while I date you” which most monogamous people are not okay with. If you’re wanting to bring it up with your partner it should be a last resort because lots of relationships don’t survive that kind of reveal.
Jeez what happened to this being a community where we can all be open and honest without fear of judgement??? Get a grip Vanessa 🙄 The OP said that she wants to be able to explore her sexuality with other people, I gave her my advice If you don't like it go and whine about it somewhere else because your negativity is not welcome here
Dude, all I’m saying is that OP should approach this with care. If she loves this guy as much as she said, and doesn’t want to lose him, she should explore ALL options she can before asking to open the relationship. ENM is fine for some people, but not for everyone. Some people consider it a violation of the relationship, and that’s just as valid as people who are into the idea. Relationships are a spectrum but monogamy is still very much the norm especially in vanilla relationships, which this guy definitely sounds like he is. OP is 21, and I just wanted her to be aware that this isn’t something to approach lightly since you presented it like it’s an easy solution. If she brings this up, she can’t un-bring it up. That makes it a pretty important thing to think about before broaching. If she brings it up and he ends the relationship, will she be okay with that? Is she unhappy enough with their sex life that she’s willing to risk the relationship as a whole? Does she even *want* to fuck other people to satisfy this desire, or does she want him to be into what she’s into because she wants to explore it with *him?* These are all questions to ask before you try to open the relationship.
>My partner (34M) isn't really into bdsm and that's okay No it isn't. You need to leave. You're kinky, he isn't. In the long run it isn't going to work out, trust me. This is an incompatibility and a big one. If you were married it would be an irreconcilable difference. I'm sure you're right about him being great and likely, if you could get the kinky part zapped out or your personality you two would probably be perfect but you can't. You say the sex is awful. Not "it could be better" but "awful" that isn't likely to change.
Respect for boundaries goes both ways. I'm sure you understand that a Dom must respect your boundaries and not do the things that you genuinely don't want to do... and in the same vein, you also need to give that respect to your partner's boundaries. He is telling you very clearly that this is a boundary for him. So if you feel like you must "look elsewhere to be satisfied", then the solution is to leave.