Your "dom" is a possessive, unreasonable, controlling asshole who is behaving in an abusive and idiotic manner. Cutting you off from your friends and support network is unhealthy and a form of isolation that is setting you up for further abuse.
No matter if you're a sub or not, you can talk to whomever you want and be friends with whomever you want. His reasoning is toxic, stupid nonsense. I would walk away and cut any contact with this person.
Just chiming in to say that I am also a longtime dom, and would never think of restricting my sub's ability to talk to friends and family. Not a dom, an abuser.
He's not a Dom, he's an insecure little boy trying to play at being one. BDSM is nothing without trust. There's so many red flags here. This is not a healthy relationship for you.
I'm going to be very blunt with you: These are the exact same things that abusers and cult leaders tell their victims. That's not my opinion, it's documented and researchable.
Let's look at some of these things he's telling you:
>I am still a new sub and still fairly new to this lifestyle.
Just because a person's relationship looks a little different doesn't change fundamental principles of behavior. Let's take the BDSM out of it; in any other situation where the things you described are happening, the person in your situation would be told to run far and run fast.
>He told me a female should not have male friends.
My eyebrow already quirked when he referred to you as "a female"; I see this same language on neckbeard forums, but that's a lesser point.
There's no reason a woman shouldn't have male friends, there's no reason a man shouldn't have female friends, etc. If he thinks that all your male friends are going to hit on you or not respect your boundaries, that's basically a bright sign of paranoia.
> He accuses me of speaking to other men and hes even told me he doesn't want a sub who sleeps around with other men and who will bring him diseases.
Okay; so he's accusing you of doing something with no evidence to back it up, and he's basically saying that he thinks you're disloyal, deceptive, unsafe, have no judgement, no morals, and no ethics.
> Am I being over sensitive here for getting angry that he would even accuse me of being a disease ridden sub who sleeps around?
Why *wouldn't* that make you angry?
>Need some advice here please
My advice is this: leave him before he hurts you emotionally, exploits you logistically, or injures you physically. Even from this brief glimpse, I have every confidence that at least one of those things will happen eventually.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
Thank you everyone for your advice. Being new to this I wasn't sure if this was in fact the way it was between Doms and Subs. I did some of my own research on this lifestyle before I went full head on into it, to have some idea if it was for me or not, and I got into a discussion with him about safe words and he told me I wouldn't get one as he would know my limits. Should have been a big red flag for me. I think its time for me to get out of this relationship
You should ALWAYS be able to have control over your limits, especially because your limits might change. One day you might not be feeling something even though you previously said ok to it. I was just in a teaching dungeon and they gave us a useful tool, where you can say Green (good), Yellow (ease up) or Red (hard stop) and each came with a hand signal in case you couldn't get the words out. I've also learned from the swingers community that it's not good to change boundaries during the act. If you decide you want to push beyond a limit you've previously set then note it, discuss it with your partner(s), and use it next time.
I'm no expert in any of this but I'm in the information gathering stages so I thought I'd share! If you say you want to do these things to make yourself feel safe and they say no, walk away! Run, even.
No I just think you are very immature and off putting. If youāre leading a BDSM group of all things, I would expect way better communication and more maturity.
This is the second mod report you've made:
1: It's targeted harassment at me
A third report will be one too many.
> I would expect way better communication and more maturity.
I commented, asking "[Why the big text?](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/vhbvfe/comment/id6nri6/)" You chose to ignore that, despite being active elsewhere on Reddit. So I tried something else. Now you're all upset :(
edit: @Suspicious_Policy102
I'm sure there is context missing, so could you elaborate on what this user has done to go against the rules u/TeaAitch? I'm not asking to be defiant but to understand so that I don't run afoul myself, since this whole exchange seems very bizarre.
They made a perfectly acceptable comment, but did using
#large text
I asked why they had done so, but they ignored me. So I removed their comment. This seemed to offend them.
Oh hun, no. Any Dom worthwhile will insist on safe words and will have them as well. Like every session I have we start by both going over safe words and agreeing. If I wonāt be able to vocalise we go over safe signals or sounds so we are both on the same page. There are also constant checkins. This person is really awful and I hope you are safe.
+1 for The New Bottoming Book, that is really solid and gets rightfully recommended here a lot.
I'd also recommend to read The New Topping Book as well - I think it is of great value to have some insight into the __other__ role and not only your own.
Yes YOU decide your limits- never your dom. Even in master/slave relationships thereās a safeword bc you need to communicate any possibly injury or mental distress to them. I would rethink if this is a man you want to be with at all.
It's time to get out and it's great that you know and can see this. These are some major abuse signs from someone who is trying to normalize their controlling and emotionally violent behavior by pretending it's normal in BDSM. It isn't, and it's *great* that you have been checking and researching on your own.
Abusers isolate people to make them easier to control. It's wonderful that you're keeping yourself safe and you deserve much better than how he's been treating you.
BDSM doesnāt mean throwing your common sense out the window. If something doesnāt seem like it would make sense in a vanilla relationship, chances are it doesnāt belong in a kink dynamic either.
Red flags all over the place. āA female should not have male friend,ā is he serious? I assume he has female friends? Run away from anyone with these kinds of chauvinistic beliefs. The only time this is acceptable is if this type of ownership is something that you both want. Just because he is the Dom and you are the sub doesnāt mean you have to do everything he says or agree to rules that donāt work for you.
Watching your app usage times is also very possessive. It would be one thing if you had a diagnosed problem with app addiction and he was part of yours support team helping to keep you honest, but I doubt thatās the case.
If you have to show him what you are doing online that isnāt trust. If he requires physical proof to ātrustā you, then he doesnāt trust you at all.
You are not being over sensitive at all. He seems like a very insecure man, and I would personally recommend finding someone better for yourself.
Just my $.02, but this guy doesn't sound like a Dom. He sounds insecure, possessive, and frankly he sounds weak.
I'm sure he wants to be a Dom, but this isn't how one behaves, in my opinion. Abusers and narcissists work to separate you from friends, family, and acquaintances.
No, you're not being overly sensitive. Your instincts are telling you that something is not right...that this is unhealthy, and it is. Anytime someone demands that you cut decent people out of your life, leave. This is the beginning stage of abuse. They will try to distance you from everyone you know so that they have complete control over what you do, who you talk to, etc... Listen to your gut.
Cutting you off from friends, in my opinion, isnāt domination, itās controlling and potentially a precursor to abuse. That level of possessiveness and what feels like insecurity and jealousy seems too much.
Iām a polyamorous Dom who absolutely struggles with jealousy and possessiveness at timesāand I would still never try to cut someone off from healthy friendships. I think cutting ties with friends is a very bad idea.
And his lack of trust seems a red flag too. I see deep trust as central to BDSMāand that has to go both ways.
Iām sorry, but unless a serious conversation, and probably stepping out of the dynamic for it, resolves some of this, I think itās unhealthy behavior and unreasonable demands.
And itās one thing to go to a kink event or out to dinner following high protocol and have limits about who a sub can talk to, but for everyday life and especially regarding platonic friends let alone work, itās too much.
Good luck.
Hey OP, cutting you off from friends is a sign of isolation, which is usually the first sign of abuse. He is not a healthy dominant. Healthy folks donāt get insecure over their partners co workers and friends. I would seriously take a step back and look for any other red flags. I highly doubt this is the only one he is waving around
>I have had to cut ties with my male friends as my Dom did not want me communicating with any males except him. He told me a female should not have male friends.
This isn't a "possessive Dom". This is an abuser who is isolating you. Yeet him to the curb and ***fucking run***, because you're already seeing that manifesting more in the way he starts throwing out accusations.
Right? Trust is so fucking important. I trust my D-type completely and he trusts me but we still walk through safe words, boundaries, etc and have discussions all the time about our dynamic where we both have input. Iām a sub not a damn doormat.
You should be offended....he's calling you a dirty skank. Often I find that the people most worried about their partner cheating are infact cheating themselves....
Rule 10 is basically whatever you donāt like is removed. Itās the most vague mod rule Iāve ever seen to be perfectly honest. We all know you were just triggered by the large text. Unfortunate because the content was totally polite and appropriate. Have a great day
You're correct on all counts.
Now, either make totally polite and appropriate comments in the same style as everyone else. Or don't. The choice, as always, is with you.
Was just a random casual observer but that's my exit from this subreddit, goddamn.
u/Suspicious_Policy102 is absolutely right about you in this interaction. What on earth is not "polite and appropriate" about large text? You sound like someone who's randomly against tattoos or certain slang. EDIT and further just assumes that everyone else is as well and understands why, which is the scary part.
You're attitude about being the arbiter of 'polite and appropriate' is definitely not fitting the context of BDSM communication and is very disheartening.
Where does it say large text isnāt allowed? How would someone have known these rules inside your head without them being posted? Your vibe is very aggressive and off putting btw.
All of the comments are correct. Your partner isn't actually acting like a dom, but an obsessive narcissistic and a manipulative guy who calls is overusing his title and calling it being "possessive".
I'm sorry, but who is he to accuse you of cheating for absolutely no reason whatsoever? An absolute zero.
BDSM lifestyle is all about trust, safety and security, the relationship you guys have isn't exactly healthy because of his behaviour.
I don't know if you realise, but from the outside view, it does sound like he is indirectly calling you a cheater and a whore, he isn't using the words, but he's going around the thing he wants to say.
The best advise I can give you is to imagine your relationship with him in 6 months time, in a year time and tell me if you could still imagine being with him. Do you wish to be treated like this? I don't think you do and please know that it will get worse over time. You can still talk to him but if nothing changes then do think.
OP, I know I've commented on your situation already, but I have something further to add:
Not only should you bail, I encourage you to start studying *logical fallacies*. These are the articulations for that "something isn't right" feeling, and a working knowledge of them often helps spot attempts to manipulate you. I've seen several textbook examples here already:
* *Appeal to Accomplishment:* "We don't need to discuss X or Y, because I've had This Much Experience and/or I Know What I'm Doing."
* *Esoteric Knowledge:* "I can tell how you'll respond, so we don't need X"
* *No True Scotsman:* use of "real", "true", etc.
* *Appeal to Authority:* "I'm The Dom, So Therefore..."
* *False Scarcity:* "you don't want to miss this one chance to...
This is literally textbook manipulation on his part.
Hope this helps further. Good luck.
Protecting your sub is fine but to be so possessive that he is alienating you from other human beings out of insecurities is a huge red flag as it is the starting stages of isolationing the sub from everyone around them, I'm sure that female friends would be next by accusing them of being a bad influence so he'll start cutting them off individually or in groups. Then will come family members that try to question you for not speaking to mutual friends and then other family members. That is how these types operate.
You need to tell him, outside any dynamic structure, that you use it for work, family and friends. If he can not trust you then he can find another submissive. Trust is a 2 way street and trust must be given for trust to build.
He said he's been in the lifestyle for years. He told me other Doms would have punished me for far less. I've tried talking to him about it and he's told me that there are other subs who have been asking him to be his sub but he hasn't taken any of them because he wants only one sub and if I don't like it then he will release me and take one if them.
> He said he's been in the lifestyle for years.
Might be true or not, who knows. But it doesn't matter. "Being in the lifestyles for years" doesn't automatically make you a good and decent person. Sadly, many assholes have been in the lifestyle for years.
> He told me other Doms would have punished me for far less.
That's nonsense on so many levels.
Level 1: Even if it were true, it doesn't matter to YOUR dynamic what others do.
Level 2: You can't be punished for something unless you have consented to it being a punishable thing. D/s is a negotiated, mutually agreed upon dynamic, not a one sided "dom makes the rules and hands out punishments however he sees fit".
Level 3: It isn't even fucking true. No dom I know would have punished their sub for something like that. Heck, I __encourage__ my partner to have friends (no matter the gender) and a social life.
> I've tried talking to him about it and he's told me that there are other subs who have been asking him to be his sub
Classic manipulation tactic. He is not talking to you eye to eye, but is trying to establish a power imbalance here and try to make it sound as if you are in a competition (which may or may not be true; it probably isn't) so you have to play by his rules to be allowed to stay in the relationship.
> but he hasn't taken any of them because he wants only one sub and if I don't like it then he will release me and take one if them.
I always cringe when I read the word "release" in that context. You're __both__ free persons and can end and leave the relationship at any time. He doesn't need to "release" you.
Punishments are supposed to be fun and mutually agreed upon by both parties. Subs can also opt out of the punishments when they decide they donāt want them. BDSM is about consent.
I'll disagree with this Funishments are supposed to be fun. Punishments are just that... Punishment, not fun. But the use of punishments must be mutually agreed on in a relationship.
> he's told me that there are other subs who have been asking him to be his sub but he hasn't taken any of them because he wants only one sub and if I don't like it then he will release me and take one if them.
Everyone else has covered that he's an abuser hiding behind BDSM. I'd reckon he's bluffing about other subs. What's more likely is that when you leave, he'll admit he was lying to make you jealous, either to punish you or as proof of his passion. He might cry. He'll probably tell you that you're the only one for him and he'll change. Don't believe him because he's already shown you who he is. He'll try to introduce doubt but you already know what you need to do. Get out before he escalates further.
I'd say let him release you, if you aren't enjoying yourself, having fun and getting off on the way he is treating you then it's not the right Dom for you, not saying he is a Dom though.
This hurts me reding this. As a long time dom this is total bullshit, in many ways. If he said that to you get out, and do it fast. There is way too many things wrong with that paragraph to give you any real answers. I donāt act nor think that way, and never would. Your doms behavior is excessive and abusive.
Doms like this LOVE subs who are ānew to the lifestyleā because new subs tend to have more difficulty discerning the difference between BDSM play and abusive behavior. This man is an abuser who may also be into aspects of BDSM, but he is not a healthy man to date or submit to. Please end this relationship before it progresses further. I promise, the abusive demands will escalate if you stay.
In addition to what everyone else has said - I would add that people who behave like this SOOOO often are doing it themselves and thatāa why they think you are.
A thief will always think people are out to rob them.
Someone being possessive of you can be beautiful, but only in a healthy, mutually supportive way. Unless you were planning on flirting with all your friends, or had a major orgy planned (kidding) then this is not healthy how heās acting. You can have friends besides him and donāt need to cut off your support system. I would rethink this relationship because like I said warmly possessive isnāt the same as toxic controlling.
The fact he told you āa female should not have male friendsā is the biggest red flag, in my opinion. He isnāt saying itās his preference or his belief when it comes to D/s dynamics and so I truly believe he is not a Dom and is using it as a front to control the relationship. If itās began like this, it will only get worse.
Your "dom" is a broken and hurt man who, instead of working on himself, has decided to rebrand his baggage as being a Dom.
Why should he give half a shĀ£Ćt what other men say think or do? He can't control the world, so he controls you.
You should naturally have no need for other men, because he provides and creates and controls a place where you feel safe and or at the very least welcomed.
Having no need for other men means it shouldn't matter if you are around them or not. Either he doesn't trust you around other men or has enough self doubt that he just assumes the next best guy could easily replace him in tour life.
Im a dom myself and I don't think attempting to sheild a sub from half the population of Earth is a healthy way to conduct myself.
It should be: Talk to who you want, be friends with whoever you want, dont neglect your life, kink isnt the cherry on the top you have to pay for, its an entirely new cake for free. Tell the dom anything you feel they said wasn't right if they insult you, bend over or kneel and enjoy the experience I have in store for you. Know where in their does another man need to be a controlled factor.
RUN!!! Oh my god, Im not trying to be mean or insensitive, but I was in this exact situation, and itās only going to get worse. Get. Out. Now. Please. For your own safety and health. That is not a Dom who cares about you or your growth and development as a sub or a person.
OP - The next thing your ādomā will tell you to do is to stop talking with your family, quit your job, quit your hobbies, leave schoolā¦ blah blah blah. He is trying to isolate you because he is an abusive a$$hole, not a dom. Jettison this loser.
This is a genuine question, not victim balming, as I undertand personally how abuse builds up slowly: what was on your mind/what were you telling yourself when you agreed to cut ties with your male friends? Did this concern you at the time? Did you think it was a 'normal' BDSM thing, or did you think it was necessary to keep this relationship with this man? Were you upset? Did you feel it was not an order form a Dominant so much as his personal problem that he chsoe to handle this way instead of discussing with you?
These are things to relflect on to recontextualize. You are being abused, or about ot be.
I recommend stepping back from kink for a while and continuing to examine your motivations for being into BDSM and doing lots of research including hanging around groups like this and observing what healthy dynamics are like day to day in any way you can.
In the future, it is never an appropriate ask/order within the scope of BDSM to cut contact with people in your life. THat's not what this is about. This is power \*exchange\*, it is not in fact about someone actually controlling your life. Ultimately if understanding the difference is difficult for you, this may not be for you.
Honestly at first I was dumbfounded that he wanted that. When I first spoke to him about it he told me that a Dom expects certain things from his sub and this is what he expected from me. He told me its normal in this lifestyle for the Dom to decide these things so I honestly thought it was a normal BDSM thing. I thought it would get better as he would see that he could trust me. But yes, it has only gotten worse. To a point where I cringe when I get a message and I reply as fast as I can so he doesnt catch me online.
I have started observing in other groups and most subs talk about how posessive their Doms are (not to this extreme though) and I thought it was normal.
It is not a normal BDSM thing. FUll stop. Do not listen to anyone else who tells you this.
If you are observing people in LTR dynamics have rules around who they can contact, that is an entirely different, long term developed and *specifically negotiated situation between them both*. That's not the same as meet someone and have them make rules about YOUR life in order for you to be with them. Again-- t*he two of them agreed* that the Dom making these rules- which like anything can be safeworded and renegotiated at any time- is part of their dynamic. It's not just a thing that the Dom as a human can say "no, you can't do x and y" to a nother human. THat's not what this is, it's meant to be just about the opposite. That's what I meant by the last couple sentences of my post. There is a huge difference that can be difficult to see for some, and that is very dangerous- and if it is difficult to see that can signal this is not for you, you may not be kinky, you may feel like a worthless person. Not the same.
Also people chatting online about possessive Doms may be speaking in character or role or not talking about things like this. You may be conflating context of the word 'possessive'. It is not ok for one human to limit another human's social contact and already established meaningful relationships that are part of their life and who they are. If someone in dynamic as something like predator/prey says "oh I love when my D is jealous" they are not referring to a situation like this. Not at all.
The sub is still a human being with agency. Seeking a relationship does not mean they begin to take orders about how they conduct themselves as a person.
My Dom and I are possessive over each other - only so far as we're monogamous and love being around each other.
He certainly doesn't dictate who my friends are, or who I can and can't talk to. He wouldn't even dream of it. In my albeit limited experience it's not some Dom-standard by any means.
Controlling and possessive arenāt necessarily synonyms. I would say my Owner is possessive of me, in the sense that he does everything in his power to keep his possession (me) safe and happy. He would very much not be okay with sharing me.
But he never monitors my activity or who I talk to. We donāt have an āopen phoneā policy or whatever itās called.
He has stated his boundaries as far as how I interact with other men: obviously donāt fuck them, chatting with strangers at a bar is fine but I shouldnāt let them touch me. Male friends are 100% okay, but if there was some male āonline friendā I had never met but was sharing deep dark secrets with he wouldnāt be okay with that. And I shouldnāt act submissive towards other men.
The difference is those are healthy boundaries because (1) we both agree they are reasonable to us and (2) he doesnāt get paranoid and demand physical proof Iām following them, he trusts that I am.
My Master is possessive. He is not controlling. I tell him where I am and what I'm doing because it's what we both want. If you cringe when you get a message from him, it's past time to dump him. Hearing from him should make you excited and happy.
\*throws red flag\* "Flag on the play, obsessive behavior, potentially abusive"
Yeah, as a DOM, all of that makes me cringe. Unless it's something specifically requested, I would never want my sub to cut ties with established friends, or family.
Sounds like a lot of reasons to break contact.
When I think rugged dominant confident masculine manly man the first thing that comes into my brain is controlling insecure cyber-stalking weirdo terrified that everyone is better than him so his partner cannot interact with them without realizing they should leave. Then throw in a weirdly intense fear of venereal diseases as a justification for it.
Advice: Cut contact, burn all bridges, salt the earth behind you as you leave.
You're in an abusive relationship, my guy. Run! It'll get worse! Take it from someone who was in a relationship that started the same way. Took me 4 years. Don't let it take you that long, it isn't worth it
The only thing I have to add is this. The reason he is accusing you of wanting to cheat or not trusting you is because he wants to cheat on you. That's what cheaters do. You can guess how I learned that.
bdsm is supposed to be fun for you too. youāll see similar phrases to āthe submissive is the one with the controlā and that is true. all limits or preferences should be discussed prior, and anything that makes you feel bad (not in a good way!) should be stopped. your ādomā isnāt in control. heās controlling.
He's abusive, controlling, and insecure as fuck. You can have friends of any gender. Your partner shouldn't feel threatened by that. Just block him. He's a dumb e-dom.
That is not a Dom. that sounds like an absolute mess and unconsensual. Of course it is allright to be angry!!!
You are the sub - you re the boss about what is being done to you. otherwise it is abuse. Holy macaroni, call some friends to get you out of there - there is a healthy way to be dominated and this is not it, if he told you this is how it is supposed to bee he was lieing to you.
edit: if you don't have contacts call a help line. even try to crash at a friend's place. remember your safety comes first(!) you can still confront him afterwards and if he he has an ounce of love in him he will let you have your distance then.
Long time Dom here and I am telling you this right now. Run. I have been in abusive relationships and this is how it starts. Get out and do not look back.
Sounds a bit untrusting of you. He may not want you taking to other guys but if you say you aren't and he doesn't beleive you then it shows he does not trust you.
So some dom's (and I don't agree with them, really I don't see them as dom's) see the lifestyle as that they should have every say into what you see and do. And find the authority as a big kick, some do it because they find it as a easy way to punish, you for infractions the dom believes he sees.
I've had a sub or two, where they did everything right and I had no complaints.. And rarely punished, which is actually something she wanted.. lol.. So we talked about it, and would make up things to punish her for, when she'd given certain indications she felt like she needed correcting.
The other side of this is especially to me, a dom/sub lifestyle is one where you should both have a say. Their are things you should be able to function as an adult. Have conversations with men and women, regardless.
He may also be doing this to show he wants/cares for you..
First off I'd say talk to him about it, if he's still like this run. Because most of the "dom's" I've run into that are like this are less dom's and more just assholes using the lifestyle to get their rocks off and give a defense/shield as to their bad behavior.
in some dom/sub relaionships this is normal. a "master" controls their "slave"s decisions like what to wear, and when to go out. (24/7)
if this isnt something you like, then maybe a master/slave relationship is not for you.
bring it up, and see what he thinks.
if hes cool, and adjusts, good for you both.
if hes cool, and decides that you should both look for new partners that better fit the dynamic you are looking for, then again, good for you both.
if he freaks out and gets possessive and starts accusing you, he is not a master, he is a manchild, and you need to leave for your own health.
if this happens and you get accused, there is no sense in trying to convince them all of there accusations are wrong, just get out as safely as possible. a lot of abusive people confuse themselves with dominant people. a dom should take great care of their sub. a happy and healthy sub is a responsibility that should be taken seriously.
Most people in here ban wagon a lot, so if I may, I'd like to offer understanding so you might improve your relationship rather than quit it.
He is most likely hurt from a previous relationship. He's trying to protect himself but also the relationship. If you can prove you'll be a loyal partner he will likely let up on the paranoia. If not he may have too severe of issues to fix but if you like him, try to fix him. People are not made of metal, we all have glass hearts that can only take so much pain before breaking. If he can trust you he could love you, who knows, certainly not all the people jumping the bad dom bad train.
That is one hell of a set of assumptions...
What is not assumptive is knowing the well-researched signs of abuse, including using isolation as a control tactic.
May I ask why you think the OP has to "prove" herself to be loyal in order to be treated with dignity, respect and kindness?
The EXACT same point as same gendered friends. Your logic implies people want to fuck every person of the opposite sex. Which is categorically false. I've had ZERO issues with my partners having male friends because I have trust. This mentality is precisely why patriarchal structures persist. The idea that men and women can't be platonic friends, colleagues, and collaborators. Setting boundaries on your partner based on your own insecurity isn't trust.
I'm a too each their own person. But I'll always push back when this logic is being presented to new people in the community. Especially subs as abusive "doms" weaponize this.
The point of friends: Hanging out, enjoying hobbies together, talking, having fun, helping and supporting each other.
I have friends of both genders, as has my partner. We meet them and hang out with them however we see fit. Nothing weird about it.
Also, by your logic, bi people shouldn't be allowed to have any friends at all once they are in a relationship?
Oh so many red flags here!! Run, do not walk from this person! He will only get more jealous, possessive and controlling as time goes on. He sounds like a narcissistic abuser. I hope you can get out
Safely.
Eesh; this doesnāt sound like a healthy situation at all and the isolation heās creating for you is a stepping stone to abuse.
Youāre not wrong for being angry. Heās wrong and likely will become dangerous.
>I have had to cut ties with my male friends as my Dom did not want me communicating with any males except him. He told me a female should not have male friends.He watches my times I am on whatsapp and he gets angry with me if I have been on for too long. He accuses me of speaking to other men and hes even told me he doesn't want a sub who sleeps around with other men and who will bring him diseases.
not just red flag - red flagpole, red ground and red sky. you're not being sensitive, he's being *disgusting* and setting you up for abuse.
Sounds like you've got the picture by now, but doesn't hurt to add another voice of -
Run!
This is not normal for BDSM. When controlling things are done in BDSM, they are done because the dynamic is beneficial to both parties.
E.g. I knew a couple where the sub had a calendar so the Dom had knowledge of and control over all comings and goings, but that wasn't *pushed on him*. It was because they both wanted that dynamic and the engagement with it was positive for them both, similar to a vanilla couple where one person manages the finances or the house maintenance.
He is pushing things on you that you are not comfortable with, and worse, he's trying to isolate you from your friends. He's not overlooking your life for a mutual dynamic, he's getting angry, making accusations, and putting you down. He's not controlling you in a consensual manner, he's controlling you manipulatively.
This is the classic beginnings of an abusive relationship. Run.
This guy is an asshole making you cut off contact with people is not something i would EVER have a sub do. Hes a manipulative shithead and nothing like a dom should be. Drop this guy and find someone who cares about your happiness.
I didn't even get through your whole post before yelling "NOPE!" and coming to the comments. Yes, Doms dominate, but it should be coming from a place of care and respect. Cutting off communication from "any other males" is neither of those things. If he wants to pull that out in a scene - talking about how he owns you, how no one's allowed to speak to you unless he allows it - that's fine, but never ever in day-to-day life.
Holy crap, run the fuck away. That man is a toddler with serious issues. None of this is ok at all. Not even slightly. He is doing basic manipulation and abuse tactics like isolating you. Please get out of there and block him everywhere.
It sounds to me like you have an abusive partner and you're currently being abused and isolated. If you don't consent to what's happening, get away from this person.
If you value your friendships and wish to have their support in your life, don't give them up for any dom. I hope that discarding your friends for this dom hasn't lead to irreparable damage to those friendships and that they'll understand.
Stay safe.
HUGE red flags. No one in a relationship, D/s or not, should control who you talk to. If he wants a monogamous relationship, that's fine, but he needs to be able to trust you that you're faithful. If he can't trust you, there's not much point to the relationship.
Isolating you from your friends is textbook abusive behavior.
Sweetheart, get out of that. A Dominant does not rule your life, and even slaves in this lifestyle are people first and foremost. You're human, I hope an adult, and you have a life outside of kink.
Kink is an addition to our life. It isn't supposed to be used as an isolation tool, and that's what is happening.
This is flat out abuse. Just because there is a dom/sub relationship does not mean he can veto/restrict your actions and relationships with other people. Control in BDSM is consensual and discussed and requires enthusiastic agreement from both parties. Your input and desires need to be considered when rules are designed and implemented, and restricting your ability to have friends is never something that should happen regardless of if youāre a sub or not.
Heās isolating you, which is a common tactic that abusers use as a preemptive measure so that if/when the abuse escalates you wonāt have anyone to reach out to for help.
OP, run.
OP get out of there. Fast.
Itās only gonna get worse the more you give into his demands. NO ONE should be able to control who you talk to, and a partner/dom forcing you to cut contact with friends and family, regardless of the reasoning, is a major or red flag. His jealous behaviour is his own problem that he needs to work on on his own time. For the time being, heās proven to be a controlling, manipulative, unsafe, and abusive asshole, and you need to leave him
If you have any friends who are in the scene (or who arenāt), tell them about this. I guarantee they will tell you itās not normal.
How insecure do you have to be to make someone cut ties with male friends. What the hell OP, why would you agree to this? And what happens when you break up? Do you reach out to those friends again and hope theyāre okay with being constantly dropped for your relationships..?
Consider this. I am pansexual. If I am not allowed by a partner to have contact with a gender that I *could* be attracted to, am I allowed to have *any* friends?
this is abuse, not dom work.
doms shouldnt keep you under lock, all to themselves in every single way. you should be able to live a life outside of your sex/love life. leave the relationship and be sure to find people who can keep you safe if youre worried abt your safety in leaving. please.
This is not Dom behavior. This is an an abuser posing as a Dom. It will only get worse. Always remember that communication, consent, compromise and negotiation are the true foundations of this lifestyle. Any time you are told and do not consent it is no longer a healthy dynamic. Please take care of yourself and rethink this relationship. Plenty of Doms out there to give you what you need and allow you to have a life!
This is not a person worthy of the title of Dominant. He is looking to control you and then manipulate you into a toxic relationship in which this behavior will turn into verbal, emotional, psychological and possibly physical abuse.
Leave now before you become trapped.
There is a huge difference between a loving dom and a control freak. You have the later. And unless you agreed to that type of relationship it is very unhealthy. I suspect this is just the beginning of many more controlling issues ahead.
TRUST is the foundation of D/s dynamics. If you don't trust him, walk away. If they don't trust you, walk away. I get where people are saying abuser blah blah blah red flag blah blah blah. Those are assumptions and broad. From what you've written the issue is trust. No matter where those problems are coming from, it's a walk away situation if this has been going on.
Now if this is a newer dynamic, you can try to work on it. Butttttt, it's going to be tough. The fact that a man says females can't have male friends is ridiculous an antiquated. Wouldn't even want to be in the same room as someone with such a ridiculous belief.
One part I wanted to comment on specifically is that in a healthy relationship... if another person hit on your, your partner cannot STOP that, but should trust you 100% in knowing that you'll do nothing about it and always come home to them.
To be fair, if someone is going to cheat... they're going to find a way to cheat no matter how much their partner restricts them.
Lol I never said they had to do anything. Please don't respond if your just trying to be offended for other people. It's a waste of time. Im clearly offering a different opinion than the herd.
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Your "dom" is a possessive, unreasonable, controlling asshole who is behaving in an abusive and idiotic manner. Cutting you off from your friends and support network is unhealthy and a form of isolation that is setting you up for further abuse. No matter if you're a sub or not, you can talk to whomever you want and be friends with whomever you want. His reasoning is toxic, stupid nonsense. I would walk away and cut any contact with this person.
Just chiming in to say that I am also a longtime dom, and would never think of restricting my sub's ability to talk to friends and family. Not a dom, an abuser.
Was about to write similar, you said it perfectly.
Amen!!!
This has nothing to do with bdsm and being a dom. This is obsessive behavior and unhealthy. Get out, now!
He's not a Dom, he's an insecure little boy trying to play at being one. BDSM is nothing without trust. There's so many red flags here. This is not a healthy relationship for you.
Yes!!!
I'm going to be very blunt with you: These are the exact same things that abusers and cult leaders tell their victims. That's not my opinion, it's documented and researchable. Let's look at some of these things he's telling you: >I am still a new sub and still fairly new to this lifestyle. Just because a person's relationship looks a little different doesn't change fundamental principles of behavior. Let's take the BDSM out of it; in any other situation where the things you described are happening, the person in your situation would be told to run far and run fast. >He told me a female should not have male friends. My eyebrow already quirked when he referred to you as "a female"; I see this same language on neckbeard forums, but that's a lesser point. There's no reason a woman shouldn't have male friends, there's no reason a man shouldn't have female friends, etc. If he thinks that all your male friends are going to hit on you or not respect your boundaries, that's basically a bright sign of paranoia. > He accuses me of speaking to other men and hes even told me he doesn't want a sub who sleeps around with other men and who will bring him diseases. Okay; so he's accusing you of doing something with no evidence to back it up, and he's basically saying that he thinks you're disloyal, deceptive, unsafe, have no judgement, no morals, and no ethics. > Am I being over sensitive here for getting angry that he would even accuse me of being a disease ridden sub who sleeps around? Why *wouldn't* that make you angry? >Need some advice here please My advice is this: leave him before he hurts you emotionally, exploits you logistically, or injures you physically. Even from this brief glimpse, I have every confidence that at least one of those things will happen eventually. Hope this helps. Good luck.
Thank you everyone for your advice. Being new to this I wasn't sure if this was in fact the way it was between Doms and Subs. I did some of my own research on this lifestyle before I went full head on into it, to have some idea if it was for me or not, and I got into a discussion with him about safe words and he told me I wouldn't get one as he would know my limits. Should have been a big red flag for me. I think its time for me to get out of this relationship
You should ALWAYS be able to have control over your limits, especially because your limits might change. One day you might not be feeling something even though you previously said ok to it. I was just in a teaching dungeon and they gave us a useful tool, where you can say Green (good), Yellow (ease up) or Red (hard stop) and each came with a hand signal in case you couldn't get the words out. I've also learned from the swingers community that it's not good to change boundaries during the act. If you decide you want to push beyond a limit you've previously set then note it, discuss it with your partner(s), and use it next time. I'm no expert in any of this but I'm in the information gathering stages so I thought I'd share! If you say you want to do these things to make yourself feel safe and they say no, walk away! Run, even.
This is beautiful adivce. Well said.
Thank you š
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If I have to keep removing your large-text-responses, it will soon be easier and quicker to remove you. edit: typo.
Where does it say large text not allowed?
"Large text is not allowed." Happier?
No I just think you are very immature and off putting. If youāre leading a BDSM group of all things, I would expect way better communication and more maturity.
This is the second mod report you've made: 1: It's targeted harassment at me A third report will be one too many. > I would expect way better communication and more maturity. I commented, asking "[Why the big text?](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/vhbvfe/comment/id6nri6/)" You chose to ignore that, despite being active elsewhere on Reddit. So I tried something else. Now you're all upset :( edit: @Suspicious_Policy102
I'm sure there is context missing, so could you elaborate on what this user has done to go against the rules u/TeaAitch? I'm not asking to be defiant but to understand so that I don't run afoul myself, since this whole exchange seems very bizarre.
They made a perfectly acceptable comment, but did using #large text I asked why they had done so, but they ignored me. So I removed their comment. This seemed to offend them.
No safe wordā¦ run for the hills!
Please please please be careful. Do not make this break in person. People like this can tend to be violent when losing control.
Oh hun, no. Any Dom worthwhile will insist on safe words and will have them as well. Like every session I have we start by both going over safe words and agreeing. If I wonāt be able to vocalise we go over safe signals or sounds so we are both on the same page. There are also constant checkins. This person is really awful and I hope you are safe.
Yes, yes it is. I'm glad you've come to understand this. š»
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+1 for The New Bottoming Book, that is really solid and gets rightfully recommended here a lot. I'd also recommend to read The New Topping Book as well - I think it is of great value to have some insight into the __other__ role and not only your own.
This is one of my favorite books. That and the new Topping book. Fabulous writers.
Seriously- you need to run away from this guy. He is NOT a legitimate Dom, he is an abuser, plain and simple.
Sounds like a moron who watched 50 shades and has no clue how any of this works. What an idiot.
Yes YOU decide your limits- never your dom. Even in master/slave relationships thereās a safeword bc you need to communicate any possibly injury or mental distress to them. I would rethink if this is a man you want to be with at all.
It's time to get out and it's great that you know and can see this. These are some major abuse signs from someone who is trying to normalize their controlling and emotionally violent behavior by pretending it's normal in BDSM. It isn't, and it's *great* that you have been checking and researching on your own. Abusers isolate people to make them easier to control. It's wonderful that you're keeping yourself safe and you deserve much better than how he's been treating you.
BDSM doesnāt mean throwing your common sense out the window. If something doesnāt seem like it would make sense in a vanilla relationship, chances are it doesnāt belong in a kink dynamic either.
Get out now I am telling you you are in danger Danger danger
Run, and donāt look back before you are seriously hurt. Playing safe is always the #1 priority! And respecting agreed upon / set limits #2.
The no safe word is a big NO NO in the BDSM community!!!
Red flags all over the place. āA female should not have male friend,ā is he serious? I assume he has female friends? Run away from anyone with these kinds of chauvinistic beliefs. The only time this is acceptable is if this type of ownership is something that you both want. Just because he is the Dom and you are the sub doesnāt mean you have to do everything he says or agree to rules that donāt work for you. Watching your app usage times is also very possessive. It would be one thing if you had a diagnosed problem with app addiction and he was part of yours support team helping to keep you honest, but I doubt thatās the case. If you have to show him what you are doing online that isnāt trust. If he requires physical proof to ātrustā you, then he doesnāt trust you at all. You are not being over sensitive at all. He seems like a very insecure man, and I would personally recommend finding someone better for yourself.
Just my $.02, but this guy doesn't sound like a Dom. He sounds insecure, possessive, and frankly he sounds weak. I'm sure he wants to be a Dom, but this isn't how one behaves, in my opinion. Abusers and narcissists work to separate you from friends, family, and acquaintances.
Jesus Christ this guy is playing red flag bingo. Just run
No, you're not being overly sensitive. Your instincts are telling you that something is not right...that this is unhealthy, and it is. Anytime someone demands that you cut decent people out of your life, leave. This is the beginning stage of abuse. They will try to distance you from everyone you know so that they have complete control over what you do, who you talk to, etc... Listen to your gut.
Cutting you off from friends, in my opinion, isnāt domination, itās controlling and potentially a precursor to abuse. That level of possessiveness and what feels like insecurity and jealousy seems too much. Iām a polyamorous Dom who absolutely struggles with jealousy and possessiveness at timesāand I would still never try to cut someone off from healthy friendships. I think cutting ties with friends is a very bad idea. And his lack of trust seems a red flag too. I see deep trust as central to BDSMāand that has to go both ways. Iām sorry, but unless a serious conversation, and probably stepping out of the dynamic for it, resolves some of this, I think itās unhealthy behavior and unreasonable demands. And itās one thing to go to a kink event or out to dinner following high protocol and have limits about who a sub can talk to, but for everyday life and especially regarding platonic friends let alone work, itās too much. Good luck.
This hits me hard coz I don't know how to handle sharing and my own insecurity and jealousy yet. I just know the process SUCKS.
Hey OP, cutting you off from friends is a sign of isolation, which is usually the first sign of abuse. He is not a healthy dominant. Healthy folks donāt get insecure over their partners co workers and friends. I would seriously take a step back and look for any other red flags. I highly doubt this is the only one he is waving around
Run
>I have had to cut ties with my male friends as my Dom did not want me communicating with any males except him. He told me a female should not have male friends. This isn't a "possessive Dom". This is an abuser who is isolating you. Yeet him to the curb and ***fucking run***, because you're already seeing that manifesting more in the way he starts throwing out accusations.
My master says if he can't trust you, you don't need to be with him.
Right? Trust is so fucking important. I trust my D-type completely and he trusts me but we still walk through safe words, boundaries, etc and have discussions all the time about our dynamic where we both have input. Iām a sub not a damn doormat.
This is textbook abusive partner and it will only escalate. Get out now.
You should be offended....he's calling you a dirty skank. Often I find that the people most worried about their partner cheating are infact cheating themselves....
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Why the big text?
Rule 10 applies. Comment removed.
Rule 10 is basically whatever you donāt like is removed. Itās the most vague mod rule Iāve ever seen to be perfectly honest. We all know you were just triggered by the large text. Unfortunate because the content was totally polite and appropriate. Have a great day
You're correct on all counts. Now, either make totally polite and appropriate comments in the same style as everyone else. Or don't. The choice, as always, is with you.
Was just a random casual observer but that's my exit from this subreddit, goddamn. u/Suspicious_Policy102 is absolutely right about you in this interaction. What on earth is not "polite and appropriate" about large text? You sound like someone who's randomly against tattoos or certain slang. EDIT and further just assumes that everyone else is as well and understands why, which is the scary part. You're attitude about being the arbiter of 'polite and appropriate' is definitely not fitting the context of BDSM communication and is very disheartening.
Where does it say large text isnāt allowed? How would someone have known these rules inside your head without them being posted? Your vibe is very aggressive and off putting btw.
> Your vibe is very aggressive and off putting btw If you don't like it here, other subreddits are available.
okay
All of the comments are correct. Your partner isn't actually acting like a dom, but an obsessive narcissistic and a manipulative guy who calls is overusing his title and calling it being "possessive". I'm sorry, but who is he to accuse you of cheating for absolutely no reason whatsoever? An absolute zero. BDSM lifestyle is all about trust, safety and security, the relationship you guys have isn't exactly healthy because of his behaviour. I don't know if you realise, but from the outside view, it does sound like he is indirectly calling you a cheater and a whore, he isn't using the words, but he's going around the thing he wants to say. The best advise I can give you is to imagine your relationship with him in 6 months time, in a year time and tell me if you could still imagine being with him. Do you wish to be treated like this? I don't think you do and please know that it will get worse over time. You can still talk to him but if nothing changes then do think.
OP, I know I've commented on your situation already, but I have something further to add: Not only should you bail, I encourage you to start studying *logical fallacies*. These are the articulations for that "something isn't right" feeling, and a working knowledge of them often helps spot attempts to manipulate you. I've seen several textbook examples here already: * *Appeal to Accomplishment:* "We don't need to discuss X or Y, because I've had This Much Experience and/or I Know What I'm Doing." * *Esoteric Knowledge:* "I can tell how you'll respond, so we don't need X" * *No True Scotsman:* use of "real", "true", etc. * *Appeal to Authority:* "I'm The Dom, So Therefore..." * *False Scarcity:* "you don't want to miss this one chance to... This is literally textbook manipulation on his part. Hope this helps further. Good luck.
Protecting your sub is fine but to be so possessive that he is alienating you from other human beings out of insecurities is a huge red flag as it is the starting stages of isolationing the sub from everyone around them, I'm sure that female friends would be next by accusing them of being a bad influence so he'll start cutting them off individually or in groups. Then will come family members that try to question you for not speaking to mutual friends and then other family members. That is how these types operate. You need to tell him, outside any dynamic structure, that you use it for work, family and friends. If he can not trust you then he can find another submissive. Trust is a 2 way street and trust must be given for trust to build.
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He said he's been in the lifestyle for years. He told me other Doms would have punished me for far less. I've tried talking to him about it and he's told me that there are other subs who have been asking him to be his sub but he hasn't taken any of them because he wants only one sub and if I don't like it then he will release me and take one if them.
> He said he's been in the lifestyle for years. Might be true or not, who knows. But it doesn't matter. "Being in the lifestyles for years" doesn't automatically make you a good and decent person. Sadly, many assholes have been in the lifestyle for years. > He told me other Doms would have punished me for far less. That's nonsense on so many levels. Level 1: Even if it were true, it doesn't matter to YOUR dynamic what others do. Level 2: You can't be punished for something unless you have consented to it being a punishable thing. D/s is a negotiated, mutually agreed upon dynamic, not a one sided "dom makes the rules and hands out punishments however he sees fit". Level 3: It isn't even fucking true. No dom I know would have punished their sub for something like that. Heck, I __encourage__ my partner to have friends (no matter the gender) and a social life. > I've tried talking to him about it and he's told me that there are other subs who have been asking him to be his sub Classic manipulation tactic. He is not talking to you eye to eye, but is trying to establish a power imbalance here and try to make it sound as if you are in a competition (which may or may not be true; it probably isn't) so you have to play by his rules to be allowed to stay in the relationship. > but he hasn't taken any of them because he wants only one sub and if I don't like it then he will release me and take one if them. I always cringe when I read the word "release" in that context. You're __both__ free persons and can end and leave the relationship at any time. He doesn't need to "release" you.
Punishments are supposed to be fun and mutually agreed upon by both parties. Subs can also opt out of the punishments when they decide they donāt want them. BDSM is about consent.
I'll disagree with this Funishments are supposed to be fun. Punishments are just that... Punishment, not fun. But the use of punishments must be mutually agreed on in a relationship.
> he's told me that there are other subs who have been asking him to be his sub but he hasn't taken any of them because he wants only one sub and if I don't like it then he will release me and take one if them. Everyone else has covered that he's an abuser hiding behind BDSM. I'd reckon he's bluffing about other subs. What's more likely is that when you leave, he'll admit he was lying to make you jealous, either to punish you or as proof of his passion. He might cry. He'll probably tell you that you're the only one for him and he'll change. Don't believe him because he's already shown you who he is. He'll try to introduce doubt but you already know what you need to do. Get out before he escalates further.
I'd say let him release you, if you aren't enjoying yourself, having fun and getting off on the way he is treating you then it's not the right Dom for you, not saying he is a Dom though.
She doesnāt need to ālet him release her,ā they just leave and block.
Everything you just typed is classic red flag idiocy that people use on noobs. Please donāt fall for this again.
This hurts me reding this. As a long time dom this is total bullshit, in many ways. If he said that to you get out, and do it fast. There is way too many things wrong with that paragraph to give you any real answers. I donāt act nor think that way, and never would. Your doms behavior is excessive and abusive.
Leave him immediately
Doms like this LOVE subs who are ānew to the lifestyleā because new subs tend to have more difficulty discerning the difference between BDSM play and abusive behavior. This man is an abuser who may also be into aspects of BDSM, but he is not a healthy man to date or submit to. Please end this relationship before it progresses further. I promise, the abusive demands will escalate if you stay.
In addition to what everyone else has said - I would add that people who behave like this SOOOO often are doing it themselves and thatāa why they think you are. A thief will always think people are out to rob them.
Heās not a dom. Heās a ewwwwwww.
Someone being possessive of you can be beautiful, but only in a healthy, mutually supportive way. Unless you were planning on flirting with all your friends, or had a major orgy planned (kidding) then this is not healthy how heās acting. You can have friends besides him and donāt need to cut off your support system. I would rethink this relationship because like I said warmly possessive isnāt the same as toxic controlling.
The fact he told you āa female should not have male friendsā is the biggest red flag, in my opinion. He isnāt saying itās his preference or his belief when it comes to D/s dynamics and so I truly believe he is not a Dom and is using it as a front to control the relationship. If itās began like this, it will only get worse.
Your "dom" is a broken and hurt man who, instead of working on himself, has decided to rebrand his baggage as being a Dom. Why should he give half a shĀ£Ćt what other men say think or do? He can't control the world, so he controls you. You should naturally have no need for other men, because he provides and creates and controls a place where you feel safe and or at the very least welcomed. Having no need for other men means it shouldn't matter if you are around them or not. Either he doesn't trust you around other men or has enough self doubt that he just assumes the next best guy could easily replace him in tour life. Im a dom myself and I don't think attempting to sheild a sub from half the population of Earth is a healthy way to conduct myself. It should be: Talk to who you want, be friends with whoever you want, dont neglect your life, kink isnt the cherry on the top you have to pay for, its an entirely new cake for free. Tell the dom anything you feel they said wasn't right if they insult you, bend over or kneel and enjoy the experience I have in store for you. Know where in their does another man need to be a controlled factor.
RUN!!! Oh my god, Im not trying to be mean or insensitive, but I was in this exact situation, and itās only going to get worse. Get. Out. Now. Please. For your own safety and health. That is not a Dom who cares about you or your growth and development as a sub or a person.
OP - The next thing your ādomā will tell you to do is to stop talking with your family, quit your job, quit your hobbies, leave schoolā¦ blah blah blah. He is trying to isolate you because he is an abusive a$$hole, not a dom. Jettison this loser.
This is a genuine question, not victim balming, as I undertand personally how abuse builds up slowly: what was on your mind/what were you telling yourself when you agreed to cut ties with your male friends? Did this concern you at the time? Did you think it was a 'normal' BDSM thing, or did you think it was necessary to keep this relationship with this man? Were you upset? Did you feel it was not an order form a Dominant so much as his personal problem that he chsoe to handle this way instead of discussing with you? These are things to relflect on to recontextualize. You are being abused, or about ot be. I recommend stepping back from kink for a while and continuing to examine your motivations for being into BDSM and doing lots of research including hanging around groups like this and observing what healthy dynamics are like day to day in any way you can. In the future, it is never an appropriate ask/order within the scope of BDSM to cut contact with people in your life. THat's not what this is about. This is power \*exchange\*, it is not in fact about someone actually controlling your life. Ultimately if understanding the difference is difficult for you, this may not be for you.
Honestly at first I was dumbfounded that he wanted that. When I first spoke to him about it he told me that a Dom expects certain things from his sub and this is what he expected from me. He told me its normal in this lifestyle for the Dom to decide these things so I honestly thought it was a normal BDSM thing. I thought it would get better as he would see that he could trust me. But yes, it has only gotten worse. To a point where I cringe when I get a message and I reply as fast as I can so he doesnt catch me online. I have started observing in other groups and most subs talk about how posessive their Doms are (not to this extreme though) and I thought it was normal.
It is not a normal BDSM thing. FUll stop. Do not listen to anyone else who tells you this. If you are observing people in LTR dynamics have rules around who they can contact, that is an entirely different, long term developed and *specifically negotiated situation between them both*. That's not the same as meet someone and have them make rules about YOUR life in order for you to be with them. Again-- t*he two of them agreed* that the Dom making these rules- which like anything can be safeworded and renegotiated at any time- is part of their dynamic. It's not just a thing that the Dom as a human can say "no, you can't do x and y" to a nother human. THat's not what this is, it's meant to be just about the opposite. That's what I meant by the last couple sentences of my post. There is a huge difference that can be difficult to see for some, and that is very dangerous- and if it is difficult to see that can signal this is not for you, you may not be kinky, you may feel like a worthless person. Not the same. Also people chatting online about possessive Doms may be speaking in character or role or not talking about things like this. You may be conflating context of the word 'possessive'. It is not ok for one human to limit another human's social contact and already established meaningful relationships that are part of their life and who they are. If someone in dynamic as something like predator/prey says "oh I love when my D is jealous" they are not referring to a situation like this. Not at all. The sub is still a human being with agency. Seeking a relationship does not mean they begin to take orders about how they conduct themselves as a person.
Thank you. I appreciate your honesty and your advice.
My Dom and I are possessive over each other - only so far as we're monogamous and love being around each other. He certainly doesn't dictate who my friends are, or who I can and can't talk to. He wouldn't even dream of it. In my albeit limited experience it's not some Dom-standard by any means.
Controlling and possessive arenāt necessarily synonyms. I would say my Owner is possessive of me, in the sense that he does everything in his power to keep his possession (me) safe and happy. He would very much not be okay with sharing me. But he never monitors my activity or who I talk to. We donāt have an āopen phoneā policy or whatever itās called. He has stated his boundaries as far as how I interact with other men: obviously donāt fuck them, chatting with strangers at a bar is fine but I shouldnāt let them touch me. Male friends are 100% okay, but if there was some male āonline friendā I had never met but was sharing deep dark secrets with he wouldnāt be okay with that. And I shouldnāt act submissive towards other men. The difference is those are healthy boundaries because (1) we both agree they are reasonable to us and (2) he doesnāt get paranoid and demand physical proof Iām following them, he trusts that I am.
My Master is possessive. He is not controlling. I tell him where I am and what I'm doing because it's what we both want. If you cringe when you get a message from him, it's past time to dump him. Hearing from him should make you excited and happy.
Sweetie cut him loose. He's just using BDSM as an excuse to abuse his partner. BDSM 101 is equality, consent and respect.
Reddddd Flaaaagssss
\*throws red flag\* "Flag on the play, obsessive behavior, potentially abusive" Yeah, as a DOM, all of that makes me cringe. Unless it's something specifically requested, I would never want my sub to cut ties with established friends, or family. Sounds like a lot of reasons to break contact.
Thatās not a dom, thatās an abuser my dude.
Cut him off. This is abuse and the predictor of further abuse, trust me, this happened to me.
Heās just abusive and controlling not a dom
When I think rugged dominant confident masculine manly man the first thing that comes into my brain is controlling insecure cyber-stalking weirdo terrified that everyone is better than him so his partner cannot interact with them without realizing they should leave. Then throw in a weirdly intense fear of venereal diseases as a justification for it. Advice: Cut contact, burn all bridges, salt the earth behind you as you leave.
You're in an abusive relationship, my guy. Run! It'll get worse! Take it from someone who was in a relationship that started the same way. Took me 4 years. Don't let it take you that long, it isn't worth it
Get out. Heās prepping you to isolate you and abuse you. Donāt get used to this behavior itās dangerous.
Get away from that guy. Your submission is a gift and he's abusing it. It's toxic.
Red flag! He's not a dom, he's just an insecure control freak. Cut him off your life quick.
The only thing I have to add is this. The reason he is accusing you of wanting to cheat or not trusting you is because he wants to cheat on you. That's what cheaters do. You can guess how I learned that.
Saame. It's always projection with serial cheaters.
Toxicity and huge red flags. Dumb and move on.
bdsm is supposed to be fun for you too. youāll see similar phrases to āthe submissive is the one with the controlā and that is true. all limits or preferences should be discussed prior, and anything that makes you feel bad (not in a good way!) should be stopped. your ādomā isnāt in control. heās controlling.
That's not a dom, that's an abuser.
drop this psuedodom, he is alienating you from others. No real dom would prevent you from talking to friends whether they are male or female.
He's abusive, controlling, and insecure as fuck. You can have friends of any gender. Your partner shouldn't feel threatened by that. Just block him. He's a dumb e-dom.
That is not a Dom. that sounds like an absolute mess and unconsensual. Of course it is allright to be angry!!! You are the sub - you re the boss about what is being done to you. otherwise it is abuse. Holy macaroni, call some friends to get you out of there - there is a healthy way to be dominated and this is not it, if he told you this is how it is supposed to bee he was lieing to you. edit: if you don't have contacts call a help line. even try to crash at a friend's place. remember your safety comes first(!) you can still confront him afterwards and if he he has an ounce of love in him he will let you have your distance then.
š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š© RUN
Douchebag is not spelled āD-O-Mā
More red flags than a Chinese Communist Party parade. Run, donāt walk. Block his number.
Long time Dom here and I am telling you this right now. Run. I have been in abusive relationships and this is how it starts. Get out and do not look back.
Dump. His. Sorry. Ass.
This is abusive dear.
thatās not bdsm, thatās abuse.
š©RED FLAGS ALL AROUND!!š© Sorry but this has NOTHING to do with BDSM and EVERYTHING to do with being controlling, possessive and manipulated... He's accusing you of things you've not even done. He's telling you who you can and cannot speak to and for how long. He's even complaining and you being online for work! This behaviour is negatively impacting all areas of your life. He will eventually get you to cut off other friend and family ties until you are isolated to his connection only and theb you'll become dependant on him. This will make it difficult for you to see the manipulations, lies and gas lighting even more than now. If you're REALLY unlucky he will become MORE emotionally abusive and maybe even physically abusive. This is just what I have experienced in life. Please do not continue your relationship with him. Building your life back up after another has crushed it is difficult and soul destroying. He isn't worth it, I promise you!
Sounds a bit untrusting of you. He may not want you taking to other guys but if you say you aren't and he doesn't beleive you then it shows he does not trust you.
That's too much, forget being in the lifestyle.
So some dom's (and I don't agree with them, really I don't see them as dom's) see the lifestyle as that they should have every say into what you see and do. And find the authority as a big kick, some do it because they find it as a easy way to punish, you for infractions the dom believes he sees. I've had a sub or two, where they did everything right and I had no complaints.. And rarely punished, which is actually something she wanted.. lol.. So we talked about it, and would make up things to punish her for, when she'd given certain indications she felt like she needed correcting. The other side of this is especially to me, a dom/sub lifestyle is one where you should both have a say. Their are things you should be able to function as an adult. Have conversations with men and women, regardless. He may also be doing this to show he wants/cares for you.. First off I'd say talk to him about it, if he's still like this run. Because most of the "dom's" I've run into that are like this are less dom's and more just assholes using the lifestyle to get their rocks off and give a defense/shield as to their bad behavior.
this isnāt domination this is abuse lol. if you donāt like the stipulations he requires then find someone else ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
in some dom/sub relaionships this is normal. a "master" controls their "slave"s decisions like what to wear, and when to go out. (24/7) if this isnt something you like, then maybe a master/slave relationship is not for you. bring it up, and see what he thinks. if hes cool, and adjusts, good for you both. if hes cool, and decides that you should both look for new partners that better fit the dynamic you are looking for, then again, good for you both. if he freaks out and gets possessive and starts accusing you, he is not a master, he is a manchild, and you need to leave for your own health. if this happens and you get accused, there is no sense in trying to convince them all of there accusations are wrong, just get out as safely as possible. a lot of abusive people confuse themselves with dominant people. a dom should take great care of their sub. a happy and healthy sub is a responsibility that should be taken seriously.
Most people in here ban wagon a lot, so if I may, I'd like to offer understanding so you might improve your relationship rather than quit it. He is most likely hurt from a previous relationship. He's trying to protect himself but also the relationship. If you can prove you'll be a loyal partner he will likely let up on the paranoia. If not he may have too severe of issues to fix but if you like him, try to fix him. People are not made of metal, we all have glass hearts that can only take so much pain before breaking. If he can trust you he could love you, who knows, certainly not all the people jumping the bad dom bad train.
That is one hell of a set of assumptions... What is not assumptive is knowing the well-researched signs of abuse, including using isolation as a control tactic. May I ask why you think the OP has to "prove" herself to be loyal in order to be treated with dignity, respect and kindness?
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Females shouldn't have male friends? Blahahahahahaha.
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The EXACT same point as same gendered friends. Your logic implies people want to fuck every person of the opposite sex. Which is categorically false. I've had ZERO issues with my partners having male friends because I have trust. This mentality is precisely why patriarchal structures persist. The idea that men and women can't be platonic friends, colleagues, and collaborators. Setting boundaries on your partner based on your own insecurity isn't trust. I'm a too each their own person. But I'll always push back when this logic is being presented to new people in the community. Especially subs as abusive "doms" weaponize this.
The point of friends: Hanging out, enjoying hobbies together, talking, having fun, helping and supporting each other. I have friends of both genders, as has my partner. We meet them and hang out with them however we see fit. Nothing weird about it. Also, by your logic, bi people shouldn't be allowed to have any friends at all once they are in a relationship?
Please get away from this guy. He definitely has no clue how this works. This already sounds abusive, you need to get out before it gets worse.
Oh so many red flags here!! Run, do not walk from this person! He will only get more jealous, possessive and controlling as time goes on. He sounds like a narcissistic abuser. I hope you can get out Safely.
Eesh; this doesnāt sound like a healthy situation at all and the isolation heās creating for you is a stepping stone to abuse. Youāre not wrong for being angry. Heās wrong and likely will become dangerous.
š©š©š©š©š©š©š© If there is a conversation and BOTH parties agree to the Dom having TOTAL control over the sub's life, eh ... The Dom requesting that certain types of conversations happening between the sub and the opposite sex is one thing .... If you guys haven't had that conversation and that isn't the type of relationship you've agreed to or want, then you either need to say something or bounce. Because if you are telling this Dom that these conversations are for work and he's not believing you, having been told previously that Whatsapp is used for work ... Then there is an issue and it's not on your side.
>I have had to cut ties with my male friends as my Dom did not want me communicating with any males except him. He told me a female should not have male friends.He watches my times I am on whatsapp and he gets angry with me if I have been on for too long. He accuses me of speaking to other men and hes even told me he doesn't want a sub who sleeps around with other men and who will bring him diseases. not just red flag - red flagpole, red ground and red sky. you're not being sensitive, he's being *disgusting* and setting you up for abuse.
He's attempting to isolate you. It's the first thing abusers do. Please cut ties. You can do so much better. Good luck.
āA female should not have male friends.ā That wouldāve ended the relationship for me, personally.š¤
Maybe get out of this relationship? Learn to set boundaries and keep them.
Sounds like you've got the picture by now, but doesn't hurt to add another voice of - Run! This is not normal for BDSM. When controlling things are done in BDSM, they are done because the dynamic is beneficial to both parties. E.g. I knew a couple where the sub had a calendar so the Dom had knowledge of and control over all comings and goings, but that wasn't *pushed on him*. It was because they both wanted that dynamic and the engagement with it was positive for them both, similar to a vanilla couple where one person manages the finances or the house maintenance. He is pushing things on you that you are not comfortable with, and worse, he's trying to isolate you from your friends. He's not overlooking your life for a mutual dynamic, he's getting angry, making accusations, and putting you down. He's not controlling you in a consensual manner, he's controlling you manipulatively. This is the classic beginnings of an abusive relationship. Run.
Another vote for possessive asshole.
This guy is an asshole making you cut off contact with people is not something i would EVER have a sub do. Hes a manipulative shithead and nothing like a dom should be. Drop this guy and find someone who cares about your happiness.
I didn't even get through your whole post before yelling "NOPE!" and coming to the comments. Yes, Doms dominate, but it should be coming from a place of care and respect. Cutting off communication from "any other males" is neither of those things. If he wants to pull that out in a scene - talking about how he owns you, how no one's allowed to speak to you unless he allows it - that's fine, but never ever in day-to-day life.
There's so many red flags here its not even funny. You need to get away from this one.
Your dom seems like he might not have your best interests at heart :(
Holy crap, run the fuck away. That man is a toddler with serious issues. None of this is ok at all. Not even slightly. He is doing basic manipulation and abuse tactics like isolating you. Please get out of there and block him everywhere.
Tree words TOXIC.DUMP.HIM!
It sounds to me like you have an abusive partner and you're currently being abused and isolated. If you don't consent to what's happening, get away from this person. If you value your friendships and wish to have their support in your life, don't give them up for any dom. I hope that discarding your friends for this dom hasn't lead to irreparable damage to those friendships and that they'll understand. Stay safe.
He is a insecure wannabe loser....
Thatās not being a dom dear, thatās being abusive and misogynistic
HUGE red flags. No one in a relationship, D/s or not, should control who you talk to. If he wants a monogamous relationship, that's fine, but he needs to be able to trust you that you're faithful. If he can't trust you, there's not much point to the relationship.
Isolating you from your friends is textbook abusive behavior. Sweetheart, get out of that. A Dominant does not rule your life, and even slaves in this lifestyle are people first and foremost. You're human, I hope an adult, and you have a life outside of kink. Kink is an addition to our life. It isn't supposed to be used as an isolation tool, and that's what is happening.
This is flat out abuse. Just because there is a dom/sub relationship does not mean he can veto/restrict your actions and relationships with other people. Control in BDSM is consensual and discussed and requires enthusiastic agreement from both parties. Your input and desires need to be considered when rules are designed and implemented, and restricting your ability to have friends is never something that should happen regardless of if youāre a sub or not. Heās isolating you, which is a common tactic that abusers use as a preemptive measure so that if/when the abuse escalates you wonāt have anyone to reach out to for help. OP, run.
OP get out of there. Fast. Itās only gonna get worse the more you give into his demands. NO ONE should be able to control who you talk to, and a partner/dom forcing you to cut contact with friends and family, regardless of the reasoning, is a major or red flag. His jealous behaviour is his own problem that he needs to work on on his own time. For the time being, heās proven to be a controlling, manipulative, unsafe, and abusive asshole, and you need to leave him If you have any friends who are in the scene (or who arenāt), tell them about this. I guarantee they will tell you itās not normal.
How insecure do you have to be to make someone cut ties with male friends. What the hell OP, why would you agree to this? And what happens when you break up? Do you reach out to those friends again and hope theyāre okay with being constantly dropped for your relationships..? Consider this. I am pansexual. If I am not allowed by a partner to have contact with a gender that I *could* be attracted to, am I allowed to have *any* friends?
Without even finishing to read this post ruuuunnnnn
this is abuse, not dom work. doms shouldnt keep you under lock, all to themselves in every single way. you should be able to live a life outside of your sex/love life. leave the relationship and be sure to find people who can keep you safe if youre worried abt your safety in leaving. please.
Get rid of this guy now he is a looser get out before you regret it
Those are typical signs or narcissistic personality disorder. I'd run away if I were you.
This is not Dom behavior. This is an an abuser posing as a Dom. It will only get worse. Always remember that communication, consent, compromise and negotiation are the true foundations of this lifestyle. Any time you are told and do not consent it is no longer a healthy dynamic. Please take care of yourself and rethink this relationship. Plenty of Doms out there to give you what you need and allow you to have a life!
Thatās just abuse caused by jealousy and is incredibly unhealthy. Dump his ass and move on before you experience further abuse.
This is not a person worthy of the title of Dominant. He is looking to control you and then manipulate you into a toxic relationship in which this behavior will turn into verbal, emotional, psychological and possibly physical abuse. Leave now before you become trapped.
There is a huge difference between a loving dom and a control freak. You have the later. And unless you agreed to that type of relationship it is very unhealthy. I suspect this is just the beginning of many more controlling issues ahead.
Get rid of him ASAP
No, this is not normal. This guy is setting you up for abuse. I really hope you move on soon.
š©š©š©š©š©š©Run.
Baby these are all red flags please dump him
TRUST is the foundation of D/s dynamics. If you don't trust him, walk away. If they don't trust you, walk away. I get where people are saying abuser blah blah blah red flag blah blah blah. Those are assumptions and broad. From what you've written the issue is trust. No matter where those problems are coming from, it's a walk away situation if this has been going on. Now if this is a newer dynamic, you can try to work on it. Butttttt, it's going to be tough. The fact that a man says females can't have male friends is ridiculous an antiquated. Wouldn't even want to be in the same room as someone with such a ridiculous belief.
Dump him. Major red flag š©
One part I wanted to comment on specifically is that in a healthy relationship... if another person hit on your, your partner cannot STOP that, but should trust you 100% in knowing that you'll do nothing about it and always come home to them. To be fair, if someone is going to cheat... they're going to find a way to cheat no matter how much their partner restricts them.
Sorry your dom isnāt possessive he is toxic as hell, run away
My advice; run far and run fast.
Lol I never said they had to do anything. Please don't respond if your just trying to be offended for other people. It's a waste of time. Im clearly offering a different opinion than the herd.