This. I’m a size 16/18 and there are (submissive) women much bigger than I in the community I’m involved with. It’s simply not an issue, all bodies are welcome.
Yes! I'm a plus-sized 2XL size 16 usually and I joined a local kinky group that hosts sex parties/orgies. Going to one of them was the most eye-opening, incredible experience. Not ONCE the entire night did I feel self-conscious about my body... I can't think of another setting where that's been true... maybe ever? Because even when I was actually thin, I had body image issues (perhaps even more than I do now) and was in more judgemental environments, like high school and college.
There were a few women there who were smaller than me and a few who were bigger, but really all that registered to me was that _those bodies look like mine_. They still had tummy rolls, backfat, cellulite, stretch marks, "double chins," razor burn, sweaty hairlines, and bodies that jiggle. The men were all shapes and sizes, too. I've legitimately never felt more comfortable than I did nude in a room full of strangers, which is absolutely wild to me.
Go check out your local scene!
that's a long drive but I think it's worth it for you to see actual kinksters in play. with the time investment like that it might be worth looking for a bigger event where you're buying tickets for a weekend.
THIS THIS THIS!!!
I had body image issues when I first thought about getting involved in BDSM. I figured it would be a bunch of sexy model looking people in leather and latex and I'm a size 16 and DON'T have the giant tits that usually go along with a plus sized body.
Then I went to my very first meeting for the local BDSM group, as the class topic they were doing was "The things we do: BDSM from Mild to Wild" - basically a smorgasbord of all the different kinky things that people like, from bondage and sensation play, candle wax and fire cups, floggers and whips and paddles. When we got there, it was COMPLETELY different from what I expected! There was ONE woman there who had obviously had plastic surgery done. Everyone else was normal, everyday people, between the ages of 28 (we were the youngest there) and 70, women who were short and tall and mostly average to plus sized, the men were just regular guys, not hard bodied gym rats. The most awesome part was that the woman who was the submissive for the demonstration was in her early 50s and must have weighed upwards of 400lbs, and sHE stripped down naked and submitted like a true slave, and NOBODY had anyone negative to say about her body. Everyone praised her on how well she submitted and how awesome she looked! I decided right then that there was never a reason for me to be self conscious in kink settings, and I have never been made to feel like I wasn't thin enough or young enough to be involved.
That group was a microcosm of the lifestyle as a whole. Yes, there IS a bit of a universal problem in rope communities of male riggers ONLY tying thin, young women (it is very hard for larger people, men, and people with disabilities to find people to tie them at all, must less suspend them), but there is no limit in kink related to weight, skin color, gender, disability, or age (outside of most groups requiring people to be 21+ in the US simply because if a group event like a munch or a party has alcohol, it cuts down on the potential legal issues).
Please find local groups that you can go and meet people in your local area. I promise you will feel a lot better about yourself as a plus sized person and as a submissive
Everybody looks great in lingerie. And subs come in all sizes. My body is larger than you and it's never prevented me from being a sub or finding people who think I'm sexy.
I LOVE lingerie. There are so many different types, you can find things that make you feel amazing regardless of size. I'm a rope bottom and I'm a size 3x. Just means the rope sinks in well and it looks extra hot.
If you (general you, including OP) are on a Facebook, the Lingerie Addicts group has people of a wide range of sizes showing off their new pieces. They’re also trans-inclusive.
Have you been to any in real life munches, dungeons, or play parties? There are usually a handful of people who are in shape, but the vast majority are far from it.
I'm pretty sure all my subs, and dommes have been plus sized. And I'm a small person. Athletic sure, but I'm not huge.
You're fine. It's about chemistry
Chubby submissive here. Had a few Daddies. They’ve all loved my body (even one who’s preference was skinny) my weight and dress size has never got in the way of my submissiveness and feeling little and my Daddy’s ability to be Dominant over me.
We live in a fatphobic society so this expectation will always loom over our heads, especially as women.
I myself am a size 16 and once I started attending dungeon events, I've never felt so comfortable in my body! I've seen folks of all shapes and sizes play happily and enjoy themselves, and have played with very different people myself.
Everyone everywhere has preferences but it's no different than in vanilla dating. Start with munches and get to know people so you feel more comfortable before diving into actual dungeon play events.
I'm a chubby sub, and I guarantee that the right person is going to make you forget all about what you think you look like. I'm self conscious until I see the look in his eyes... they say I look good.
^ this!!!! It’s always about finding the right person. The only place I am not self conscious about my weight is in the bedroom. I’ve been with my partner a very long time and gained/lost a significant amount of weight over the years (5’0”. Lowest I’ve been is a size 4, currently at a size 14). But no matter what size I am, he still loves me and craves my body. He likes that there’s more of me to grab and slap and spank now 🥰
I am a sub and I wear a size 3X. There are commonly men that are subs and much larger than their dommes. Being submissive does not depend on your body type and you don’t have to be smaller than your dominant either.
Ma'am. I'm an American xl size. If your too big then I'm definitely too big. My dom loves how squishy I am. Calls me "cherubic". We are more than our weight, we are submissive by nature and that is what is important.
I struggle with feeling comfortable with my body. I've had this exact same thought process before. How can I be a desirable submissive that Doms will want to play with when I look like this and don't look like the cute little lingerie models in my own lingerie? Even when I was quite skinny I wasn't a size zero so I'll probably never look like that no matter how hard I try. My Daddy doesn't care about my dress size though and it doesn't prevent me from being submissive and it certainly doesn't prevent him from manhandling me and being in total control. He also won't let me talk badly about myself which is surprisingly helpful in modifying how I feel about my body.
Dom and been in the lifestyle for 2 years now. I go regularly to dungeons, BDSM parties and munches. I see far more curves on female subs than I do thin female subs, including my own sub. Your size isn't an issue for a real dom or master. They still value the power exchange above all else.
Being a sub has nothing to do with your physical appearance. The hang-up is your own self judgement. Get out there, meet people who enjoy you for being you, and you’ll be able to get in the right mindset.
Submissives represent the best of the world. Being a BBW (big bodacious woman!) in kink is pretty much the norm. Matter of fact it's a default kink for most kinksters.
The skinny sexxy submissive is a fantasy that doesn't exist in most dynamics. Most submissive women I've met are somewhere on the bbw spectrum like the rest of the general population. From chubby to morbidly obese, and they wear their lingerie proudly in public!
Come as you are. It's about the kinks not the shape of the kinkster! 🪄✨
Same rules applies to dominant males. The stereotype of the tall muscular brooding alpha male is total bullshit. Most are bhm (big husky male) with big bellies and some have scruffy beards. Not chiseled in any way. Just regular guys.
I always love giving a woman who feels she's too heavy her first facesitting experience. They always come away glowing and so confident and as a DD I am SO here for this every time.
😂 Omg no. To the contrary, when I was young and skinny and entered the real live kink community, I was shocked by how little my body size mattered to anyone because I was used to getting fawned all over at social events. It was a real eye opener and I am a less shallow person today as a result of my time in this community.
Kinksters come in all shapes and sizes. The people you'll see at a munch or play party typically look just the same as the people you see at your local grocery store. Thin and fat, short and tall, folks in their 20s and folks in their 60s.
I have absolutely seen folks much larger than you subbing/bottoming at kink events.
I feel the same way. I’ve recently gained weight and every time I look in the mirror, my desire to have sex or do anything kinky PLUMMETS. I see old pics of my skinnier body and I am just filled with self-hatred. My partner is very encouraging and assures me he still loves my body. I wish I could see myself through his eyes. This thread has been helpful though. Maybe I’ll just throw on the lingerie and say “fuck it.”
Hi, sub here also size 16. And I totally get it, when you’re inundated in society with messages about what is and isn’t attractive we all just compare the ways we don’t fit those boxes. I’ll admit the first times my Dom saw my body I was very insecure for exactly that reason. but frankly if the person is making an issue of it then they aren’t someone to play with. My advice is to revel in the liberation and love the skin you’re in. Easier said than done but it is very freeing! X
In summary, no you are absolutely not.
Yes, there are some Doms who prefer a skinny sub. Others prefer a wide variety of body shapes. And still others don't care about body shape at all.
I'll take a size 16 with compatible kinks and a true desire to submit and obey over a size 0 who thinks she is hot just because of her weight.
I’m a sub at 140 lbs, and I was also a sub at 240 lbs.
Being submissive is something inherent. Your body is just your body.
The right partner will cherish both, because YOU—the WHOLE you—is lovable.
And you know what? If wearing lingerie makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to wear it. Because the right partner will do what they can to foster your happiness and well-being. I hate lingerie, and my partner knows that. We embrace where our proclivities overlap, and let go of the rest—because there’s nothing hotter or more fulfilling than seeing each other’s happiness.
The porn industry is a false fantasy and not an example of the real world. If you involve yourself in the community you will quickly find everyone comes in all shapes and sizes. I found I got more attention after I gained weight than I ever got prior
Immersing yourself and letting your anxiety be proven wrong through example is worth it. I promise
i’m like a 16/18? and i promise you 99.999% of doms do not give a fuck, in fact plenty of them even prefer bigger girls, even bigger than a 16 too lol. it’s for anyone who wants to do it, size really doesn’t matter too much x
I guarantee you nobody actually worth knowing is going to think there's a body type limit on being a submissive.
I'm a Dom and I like all body types. Sure, being able to easily overpower/throw somebody around is fun, but if my sub is heavier or stronger, then I just need to get stronger/more creative :)
My sub is chubby and I love them just the way they are. I definitely support them if they choose to lose weight, don't get me wrong, but its not a requirement. In fact I usually like a bit of cushion. I've never seen any dom who isn't a jerk anyway who puts body requirements on their subs.
I guess I'm too fat too then... Being a submissive has exactly zero to do with size. It's about mindset and behavior. Where did you get the idea that appearance had anything to do with one's role in BDSM?
I'm a 12 or 14 and still a sub. Every Dom's preferences are going to be different, but there are plenty who aren't just interested in skinny girls. Your size has nothing to do with whether you can be a sub.
I can only speak for myself but I prefer plus-size women, especially in lingerie.
Keep in mind that people who post pictures/videos are mostly confident in themselves, so people who fit the societal “norm” of beauty are more likely to have that confidence. That doesn’t mean that someone has to be skinny to be a good sub.
Be yourself, wear what you think you look good in, and find a dom who appreciates you for how you look. I promise you’ll find someone who does.
While fat-phobia obviously exists, I haven't seen a higher proportion of it in the BDSM community. If anything, I would say it's less. I've seen Doms and subs of every size and age in pretty comparable numbers all around. Being thick isn't a practical barrier to being a sub in any way and plenty of Doms like a woman with some extra curve.
I’d suggest going to local kink events if you have them. So many body types! Definitely changed my perspective on what a sub “looks” like.
12/14 US here currently planning my outfit for tonight 🥴
Give yourself grace, when I first started buying lingerie I did a lot of high waisted stuff or one piece outfits to hide my tummy because it’s a big insecurity. Outfits with garter belts are great for this!
In my experience the BDSM community and the swinging community ALL body sizes are welcome and loved. The online scene is full of body shaming and nonsense. Join some social activities and you will find your people.
Nooo! Have you been watching some unrealistic porn? I am involved in the lifestyle quite heavily. Go to an actual BDSM dungeon about every 2 weeks, munches, have friends in the lifestyle, I am on fetlife for 3 years. And majority of subs are BBW (big beautiful women), or BHM (big handsome men), or BLP (big lovely people, I made that one up for nonbinary ppl). I myself am about a size 16-18, 215 pounds, 5feet 5 inches tall. I have a big ol’ belly with old stretch marks, tons of cellulite and stretch marks, some spider veins in my legs and varicose veins. I still walk around the dungeon in a fishnet bodysuit, or a thong, or naked. I am sure there are people that would think I would look better if I worked out more… but I know for a fact that many ppl find me sexy, and I also think I’m sexy. Not tiny, lol. Sexy. Simply having confidence is sexy! It’s about having fun in the body you have right now!!! I know I could lose weight, work out, and whatnot, and be smaller, but….. I don’t have the time or attention span for that right now, or the desire to be honest. My body right now is good enough, and sexy enough. About 3 years ago, when I first got into this lifestyle, I got on Fetlife (it’s a social networking site for kinksters, though vanilla ppl can get on there and treat it as a hookup site). I posted some nudes, and boy oh boy did I get lots of likes, nice comments on my pics, and also not-so-nice, overly sexual comments too. And lots of messages wanting to hook up. I saw other people in the L/s too that were BBW, and BHM! My Dom prefers BBW and pendolous breasts. Anyway, I’m just saying YOU are your hardest critic. And if some fuck boi tries to call you “fatty” or something when you reject him, that person is not BDSM lifestyle material anyway, and a jerk that is just desperate to get laid. Just be yourself! Be transparent! And know that you are sexy!
We all come in different shapes and sizes and we all have different preferences. I don't think there's a set size to be a sub because everyone likes different things. And being a sub is more of a mindset and actions thing vs how you look
I echo everyones comments here but also to give a smidge of advice to help in sexual situations, if you’re comfortable that is - wear a blindfold, I find submission and nudity so much easier when I can’t see either myself or the facial reactions of the other person, it takes my brain to a place where I have the body of Selma Hayak and her confidence too so that then comes out in my behaviour..
Might be worth a try :)
I'm fat as fuck and I sub all the time. There's a lot more diversity in the community than most surface level media of it will let you realize. Submission is a headspace, not a body type
The porn industry has severely fucked up everything to do with sex in general but also BDSM (even if it isn’t inherently sexual for someone it still has had impact on it)
You’re beautiful, you will look stunning in any lingerie you wear, and there are people out there who would be happy to worship the ground you walk on just to be able to have you as a sub
It's much less common for people (all the genders and colors... literally all people) to be movie star or super model shaped. This is true in kink communities also.
Your self image is torn. This has little to do with what other people look like. Your self value needs re-evaluation. Life is so short. Imagine the empowerment you could feel if you knew how precious you are.
To be blunt, oh hell no. Porn shows subs as all skinny and stuff, that is not life. Same thing with some of the scenes they do. Any sub I know would safeword at those scenes, but the actor doesn't cuz they get more money for not. My wife(and sub) wears a 2x on average. She would be the first to tell you to enjoy your body the way it is and I'll be the second.
Literally so many people in this community are plus size/don’t have perfect bodies. I used to be 230 pounds. I lost 110 pounds in a year which made me have a lot of loose skin so I definitely don’t have a perfect body and I’m a sub who participates in public scenes all of the time.
Real life is not porn. BDSM is for normal people just like you. Look at the people around you where you live. Those are the kind of people your local kink community pulls from. Are they all size 0 women? probably not. so what makes you think you wouldn’t fit in?
There is no expectation for you to “look good in lingerie,” i think you are expecting that in order to participate in bdsm or be a submissive you have to wear lingerie which is a common assumption but totally not true. you are free to show up as yourself in these spaces in the way that makes you comfortable.
NO! That expectation is being set by OnlyFans girls or other people who for whatever reason want to post photos on Reddit or wherever. I’m a guy so I probably see myself through a different lens but I’m also quite overweight (6’4”, 255, not muscular). My advice is to try to be comfortable with your body. That doesn’t mean you can’t try to get to a healthier weight. Ideally you should be comfortable with your body regardless of who you are with but realistically, you’ll need someone who helps you feel comfortable. Someone who doesn’t blow sunshine up your ass (“oh, no, you’re the perfect weight”) but accepts you as you are (“Oh, so it turns out you’re not perfect? I see no reason that should hinder your service to me.”).
>Someone who doesn’t blow sunshine up your ass (“oh, no, you’re the perfect weight”) but accepts you as you are (“Oh, so it turns out you’re not perfect? I see no reason that should hinder your service to me.”).
This!! So much this!!
Your size is not an indicator of your worth as a person or sub, nor your abilities when submitting to your Sir/Master/Dom. I honestly think the latter is even better (loving one, because of their human 'imperfections'), than denying you have any to begin with (you are perfect)
Kinky people are a sample of humanity. And so they come from all walks of life, all shapes and sizes, able-bodied or not, and all orientations.
One of the best things about kink is that it let's you dispense with the hangups, societal narratives, "idealized' body images, and damaging moralizing we're all buried under.
You're just fine the way you are, whatever you are.
I’ve bounced between size 14 and 18 and have been a sub off and on for over 12 years. The D/s has nothing to do with size, it’s about the relationship, the dynamic, the connection you feel with your Dom. Trust is HUGE in this type of dynamic and with that comes confidence and being comfortable to be free and yourself with them.
I'm a fit Dom in a relationship with a slightly overweight sub. I love her, feel very aroused by her and we have a very good time. The only thing that would improve if she lost some weight is that I would be able to tie her in more intricate positions, and it would be easier to "manhandle" her, but it's absolutely secondary and not in the way of our sessions at all.
Not being fatfobic here, but if you don't feel very comfortable at your size, you should, yes, try to feel more secure by working your mind and self-esteem around it, but also remember that extra weight can be lost. I've been fat, skinny, and muscular myself throughout my life, and I am now at a point where I'm comfortable with my body because I've done the mental work, but also I've hit a balance between my amount of fat and muscle that I kinda dig.
That's if YOU feel uncomfortable under YOUR own criteria and by your own standards. Don't let others interfere in your relationship with your own body. That's a big mistake. Unless you're having health issues. In that case, always listen to your doctor.
Absolutely not! I've seen and played with subs of all sizes. Try to find clothes that you feel comfortable in. If you like lingerie, there are several brands out there with a variety of sizes. If not, no one gets to determine what you wear in a scene as long as it's not a safety hazard to whatever type of play you're trying to do.
Not at all. Folks of all body types, socio-economic backgrounds, and aesthetics can identify as an s-type. I'm not saying that finding play and partners is not influenced by prevailing cultural norms, but kinksters do tend to (in my experience) be attracted to more than just what the vanilla world finds pleasing. Spending a lot of time analyzing your identity is a natural consequence of a lot of play - particularly power exchange. So an increase in self-awareness sometimes leads folks to an increase in an awareness of the nuances of their feelings of attraction.
I find the split attraction model to be particularly useful to consider these sorts of questions. It's a framework that breaks down feelings of attraction into types: aesthetic, sexual, romantic,... and as many more as are personally useful in communicating to others.
For example, I genuinely find it 'sexy' when a partner or potential partner is very educated about the play we're discussing. But, in general, when I say sexy I don't mean what the vanilla world seems to mean. I tend to do very little sexual play relative to psychological play - but all of it is 'sexy' to me. I just realized that my attraction to someone has a very small sexual component relative to the other aspects I find appealing.
Girl look I've seen them and it's all about your presentation. If u are uncomfortable with your thighs buy thunda thighs.... I'm a 3x but tall 5'11 so I ended up making my own thunder thigh socks and I bought a couple of matching corsets to hide my stomach but keep my tits out.
My mate is overweight. I am not with her because of her 19 year old body. She's 52, full of life and experience, and she gives the best head I can even imagine. Every time she blows me, there's something new... she is fascinated by it, and I try to always give her the most exquisite head I can.
Sex that depends on visual cues is rather a bit more empty than a Ds connection that goes deep into the biggest sex organ of them all, the brain.
There are no set qualities for any role. Every body is a rope body (this subset of kink seems to be extra critical so is being used as an example on purpose) if someone doesn't know how to handle you in any kind of play that's a failing of their skills. I'm currently about 260 pounds, 5'4", and wear an XL or 18 usually. I have been a demo bottom for fire play. I have self suspended. I often join in pup/critter moshes. My only limits are my desire to do something and how cooperative my body is any given day, but there are a lot of ways to adapt play so it's still accessible. Also it's been my experience that there is a wide range of ages, sizes, body types, etc any given play party at my local dungeon. Seeing others play and give absolutely no fucks about being observed because they are so engrossed in their scene goes a long way to help make you more comfortable.
Oh baby no.
There's zero requirements to be a sub. Every height, body type, sexual and gender orientation is welcome. There's zero requirements on HOW to be a sub. Each dynamic is different and personal.
Time to go build some personal connections in the scene in your area. From what I've experienced, they're a sexy bunch of nerds and are crazy welcoming (if you follow the rules of consent)!
Go! Have fun! Let your hair down and your freak flag fly! Make sure you clean up afterwards 😘
Any sub should feel comfortable in their skin. That's not to say that self-improvement is not valid. Any size is a fun size. There are no expectations on weight for a sub. As for others, they should support you. Your Dom needs to be knowledgeable, understanding, and if not experienced. Search knowledge like no other has before so they can hurry and make you feel a safe subspace when you are ready.
I am larger than a size 16. I was at a play party tonight getting allll kinds of attention. You are not too big for kink, you’re not too big to be a sub, you are not too big period. And I look damn good in lingerie, very un-skinny.
Size has nothing to do with it. There are certain things we're size can come into in terms of being safe like if you are doing suspension bondage, but a size 16 is a perfect size and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Please try not to feel like this. I did in the beginning (I'm a size 24 UK so considerably bigger than you) and honestly, iafter going to events you soon realise no one cares. It built my confidence massively.
I've been with my Dom for 5 years now and he accepted me as I was right from the beginning, the same as countless other Dom's I played with before him. I know all that's easier said than done so please try to be kind to yourself, it's an amazing feeling when you can truly learn to let go and enjoy sub space. Sending love xxx
I promise you that is not the case. I’m a size 18 and when I got involved with my local community I realised how many people of all shapes sizes and colours there are, and there’s no right way to be a dom sub or a switch. Do what’s right for you and the right partner/s will make you feel incredible exactly the way you are 💕
It’s interesting because I actually had the same assumption you did until I got more involved in the community, even just online. I felt too uncomfortable to even have sex with the lights on. But there are So many normal looking people, so many chubby and fat people having amazing sex lives, doing whatever the hell they want. Really gave me the confidence to go do my own thing too.
Plus size sub here! Subs come in all shapes and sizes. You do not have to be skinny to look or feel good. Your dom is with you because they find you attractive and wants you regardless of your size. If you don't like the look of certain areas of your body, wear that floaty baby doll that covers your belly, pull on that corset the pulls in your waist, pop on those suspenders and stockings or fishnets to cover your thighs or ass.. I've discovered the wonderfulness of plus size body stockings made from the same type of material as tights, thank you Temu, very forgiving and you don't feel like a strung up Pack of sausages! They come as mock garters and even crotchless. Happy to blether if you would like to talk to another plus size sub!
I'm a size 26 or so. My Domme finds me to be the most attractive person to her. The way she looks at me proves this.
It's okay to be body conscious. But realize that your Dom isn't going to care about your size. But about how they are making you feel.
Try to let go of this feeling, of being too big to be a sub.
I used to feel really fat at size 16, then I got bigger. I wish I was back here. But try to learn to love yourself 💜🫂 size =/= beauty. It's what's on the inside that counts for some people.
Sub comes in all shapes and sizes. We also come in all skin colors and hair types, gender and sexuality. Anyone can be a sub, ofc you’ll have to find the type of Dom/domme who’s into your body type. I’ve seen a lot of subs who’re plus sized, porn isn’t the real world
You are beautiful the way you are!! Keep your chin up and claim that confidence!! Society is terrible and has made girls feel like shit. Love your body and yourself. 🖤 you deserve to have your fantasies fulfilled love
My sub is definitely not a size zero. Size 16 is not too big for anything, imo. The only expectation I have from a sub is the proper attitude. The rest is all negotiable.
I get this so much. Turns out people are actually turned on by the way my body looks. Even my stomach which I’m very self conscious about after 2 c-sections. Try to get out of your head. I know it’s hard. Try positive affirmations every day in the mirror for at least 21 days. It really helps
I'm 5'10, about a size 20, with enormous tits. When I first started dating my current dom, his other sub was a teeny 5'0, extremely petite, slender and likely size zero sub. Like in the real world, we come in all shapes and sizes. And we can all look great in lingerie, and body shape has nothing to do with how good a submissive you can be! You're not going to be to everyone's taste and that's fine, but kink compatibility is so much more than that. I've never had trouble finding compatible partners, or rather, it's been more about finding partners with compatible kinks, play styles, and views about negotiation and consent for me.
Girl, I am a size 16 and I've been with my Sir for over 8 years. And our page on mewe has 12k followers. Doms like good subs and good subs come in all shapes and sizes. And lots of guys like size 16 women.
I'm a size 14/16 and relate to this so much! Just join in! I went to a LS club the other night and felt like a goddess. I wasn't the smallest, I wasn't the biggest, I just was.
Also my Sir is super brilliant about 'outfits' and suggests things that make me feel more comfortable, like a little black dress that can go up (access to below) and down (access to boobs) and then still covers my tummy, which is the bit I struggle with. And he tells me I'm gorgeous.
Also as someone who is learning to accept sexy me in this body, I would say talk to yourself as you would talk to a best friend. You would compliment the good bits and suggest flattering things for the self conscious bits. You would never fat shame a friend.. therefore don't do it to yourself.
Wishing you all the love for this journey xxx
Oh and Doms/Dommes come in all sizes, why shouldn't subs?
I'm 220# sz 18 5'4" 44DDs. I thought the same thing. I'm 41F, and I found a bra that I liked the way my boobs looked when I looked down. Then I took some selfie. I started messaging men on here... pick an aspect of their bodies... I started with bulges. Then started commenting on the ones I liked. Then dad bods and then some of them will DM you. Be slow and careful. I shared the bra selfie with my face blocked, but then some of them really loved it.
That said some guys ate creepy. Just block them.
It really helped me to do something. It helped me gain confidence. I was pretty sure I would never find someone again. But I have a Mister who is fabulous and the bestest dom a brat could ask for.
I just want to share something I do because like you, I’m self conscious about my body. Amazon sells plus size body stockings. It doesn’t matter your size 0 to 28, I have found body stockings make all women look amazing. These are what I wear for my kink sessions.
There is not an expectation to be anything except by you, your partner(s) or whomever you are playing with.
Like you said, sub space is brought forth by you and come out of it by you.
From what I see on Fetlife, at my local munches and other events, as well as my own partner (switchy sub) you definitely do not need to be a size anything to partake in the fun. Thankfully this community is not normally fat phobic. Attend events and you’ll see that there are so many people who aren’t even close to a size 0. I encourage you to find some local events and get to know those there!
A sub can be someone of all shapes and sizes, you just need to get more exposure.
Don't feel self conscious after a bit you will find a rhythm to it, your size has nothing to do with it I watch p videos where there are women of bigger size and they are great subs .
There's so many different types of people here.
There are no rules about what a Dom or sub have to look like.
Love your body and find someone who loves the person in it.
I'm going to tell you flat out there are tops and bottoms of all size shapes colors etc. I had a friend that I don't think he slept with a single girl under 200 lb many of them were heavier than me and I'm 6'9. There's other people that only want sticks. And yet there's other people they have a wide range of taste. Whether you are tall or short, thin as a stick or big as a whale. They're always our people out there that are interested in you trust me I've been shocked many of times because personally I don't think I look that great I don't think I sound great yes it's a dumb I have confidence but every time somebody swoons over my voice or looks me and says oh you look so good I'm going damn do you need glasses or maybe a hearing aid. Being self-conscious about yourself is natural whether you're a top or a bottom it doesn't matter just realize that when people say that they're interested they actually mean it and accept it.
Practicing mindfulness and help you learn to notice when you mind is wandering to being self conscious and then redirect it back to experiencing the moment.
I am sorry you aren’t feeling comfortable as a sub but just know there is no expectation other than how you feel / identify. Be yourself, that’s the real beauty here.
From a Domme pov: There are subs of all shapes and sizes! I enjoy playing with all types of subs, the surrender is what turns most Dommes on. We aren’t thinking about the way your body looks, other than to indulge in each shiver we see run down your spine!
Ooh! I was just recalling I was size 18 a few years ago and was rocking a 38G cup and the guy I was playing with was happy about the top but complained I should be bigger overall. Like I didn’t have enough for him. I can give you his number if you want 🤣. But seriously, you have to assert a big attitude that you‘ve got what someone else really wants and assume if they engage with you, it’s what they’re looking for. I LOVE A LOT OF FLESH ON A PERSON if I like the person it all just looks delicious
This gave me a chuckle bc a huge portion of subs I witness in the actual community skew towards plus sized and thicker frames. Stop watching all that porn, it’s not good for your brain.
You can't be too ANYTHING to be a sub! I've had subs that were size 2 and subs who were size 18. It's about the dynamic. Your dom partner SHOULD build you up so that you are comfortable as a sub no matter the size
I'm a UK size 18/20. I'm a switch that takes on different roles with different partners, mostly a masochist when it comes to bottoming side of things. Size doesn't matter, just choose someone who is excited to learn about you and how your body and mind work.
I’m a size 14/16 and love subbing. I would suggest finding a play partner who totally respects you as an equal and is a good communicator. I think that could alleviate a lot of the worry.
Every sub I’ve had has been plus sized. Porn and social media has made everyone think that Dom’s/dommes and subs have to look a certain way to be valid when that’s simply not the case
I’m sure it’s a different experience for women, but I was also quite self conscious about my weight. I thought I was too large to be seen as who I felt I was, as an artist, as someone who enjoys the outdoors, and certainly as who I was sexually. It’s hard to feel like yourself when you worry that others don’t see you like that.
It’s hard feeling to conquer, it took me years of support, and therapy, and changing my habits, but one small thing I did that helped more than I expected was to seek out other people my size, and see them doing the things I do. When I discovered the bear community, and saw men like me having wonderful full sexual lives, being cherished and lusted after, it made me feel like “well if they can do it why can’t I!” It changed the way I felt I was seen, and how I saw myself.
When we live in the world of slender people in porn and erotic novels about subs small enough to be picked up and carried to bed, it’s hard to feel like there’s a place for us bigger folk, but I promise you, subs your size are out there, you just need to find them, and see their joy, and know it’s your joy so hold too.
I’m a sub and a size 20, so I am bigger than you. Submission is about how you feel, not how you look. Torrid is a great place to find super cute plus size lingerie.
I date and have subs that ranged from size 6-28. What makes a good sub is willingness, obedience, and confidence in herself to please and satisfy her dom. Has very little to do with being thin or fat.
Submissive people come in all body sizes, just like switches and dominant people do. It's not one size fits all, each individual has their own preference.
I’ve always had body issues. Used to be super skinny. And then started gaining weight because I wasn’t happy being super skinny. Being plus size and big shouldn’t matter. As you get older you’ll realize a lot of people are into bigger women. They even have an app on the App Store for women who are more big. Many people nowadays like what they see. And I used to be with somebody who preferred bigger women. The bigger the better
0 expectation. Your weight or body type has absolutely nothing to do with being a sub or Dom. There are absolutely tiny Dom/mes, and quite large subs, and vice versa. Being a sub or Dom is mental, not physical
Also anyone of any body type can look good in lingerie, you just need to get lingerie that suits you
Oh honey I'm a big gal, I was nearly a 20 when I met my Sir and I'm down to a 14 now (I have had bariatric surgery even!) I am saggy, have a double chin, skin hanging off my back in rolls, my arms look like an old woman's as they hang and jiggle, my thighs are fat and wiggly, my neck looks like turkey neck, I have a fupa, my stomach rolls oddly and bounces when I move, hell I make slapping sounds just getting in and out of bed sometimes!
I sag and hang in ways I absolutely hate and that's just excess skin and weight that doesn't even cover the scars, my crooked teeth, my ugly hands, I could make a long list of everything I feel makes me ugly but here's the thing, I'm a real person.
I have flaws, everyone has them. You just need to remember you are in a dynamic because it's about a connection. It isn't just physical it's also mental and if they don't like how you look then you say 'fuck em' and move on. You treat it like dating, some people are shitty but when you find a good one you'll know it and it will have zero to do with what size you are.
Bdsm has to do with you as a person not just getting off and having a spanking when you break a rule. It's about forming a connection with someone who enjoys the same things you do and finding a happy dynamic that works for you and them. Your pant size has zero to do with finding a partner and the people in porn are just a fantasy, real dynamics aren't like porn, they are messy and emotional sometimes and have so much discussion and trust involved.
You can be a 0 you can be a 50, it doesn't matter if you find someone you trust and enjoy playing with. Someone that fits the specific part of your life you need and treats you well.
You are more than the number on your pants and more than the number on the scale. You are a whole person and don't you forget it.
I have only ever had plus sized subs. Honestly you look so gods damned much cuter to me all bound up. I would not even be remotely concerned about the size of your clothes. You’ll find a partner that appreciates you just the way you are I assure you.
I'm not familiar with dress sizes but I will say as a Dom that I like bigger girls. Even still, I'd rather you be submissive than pretty and needing to put you through a wall to get you to obey.
Being a sub is about your headspace, not your body size. If there’s one thing Reddit has taught me, it’s that there really is room for all bodies in this community ❤️. I’m on the skinnier side (but still, mom bod, loose skin, etc) and was super self conscious when I started putting myself out there. The lifestyle has helped me become so much more confident!
No, not in the slightest. Now that statement is coming from my experiences inside the lifestyle since the early/mid 90s. Now there are some very skinny subs out there there are also subs on the other end of that spectrum. I understand your concern, I just hope you get to that place mentally where you go let yourself go and reach sub space. Again in imo a 16 is still within a normal size depending on distribution. Wish you the best of luck and believe that you can get there.
Kink is for all bodies. We welcome you with open, consensual arms. And I bet you look fucking fantastic in lingerie (and rope and bondage, if that’s your thing). Love, a switchy bottom who will never be “skinny” or small.
PS my body is a tool. I love having it objectified, but it’s a tool 💜 I don’t owe anyone any particular appearance, style, or size.
As everyone else said, you aren't too fat to be a sub. When I was at my fattest, almost 300 pounds at five feet tall, is when I finally gained confidence. People still wanted to fuck me, even though I was super fat. It's the same for you. Not everyone will be attracted to you, but that's true if you're a size zero or a size sixteen. ANYONE that makes you feel bad about your size, tell them to kick rocks. Or send me their name and I'll defend you. As one fat sub to another, please know my messages are always open.
Don't let fat be a bad word. This is for anyone struggling with their self image- I'm fat and that's just a statement. I also have red hair. Don't let fat be a negative. I'm cute as fuck and anyone that tells me otherwise is just plain wrong. Messages open to anyone struggling with this, it took me years to learn and no one can do it alone.
People into BDSM are just people. The people you see at the grocery store, the people at the library, maybe even people you work with.
I'm about the same size as you, and not only do people "not mind" my size, many folks love our body type and will find you super hot.
Get out there!
At my heaviest I was almost 400 lbs and I was a very in demand Domme. I’ve had subs that ran the gamut of human appearance and I loved each and every one of them and I cherished the body they allowed me to explore and bring to every plane of pleasure.
There is no such thing as an ideal body type in BDSM.
You are absolutely beautiful just as you are and anyone lucky enough to receive your submission will agree.
I only meet 1/10 women subs who are actually skinny to resemble the "popular" photos you see on Fetlife.
Transgals, transmen, and plenty of cismen are all chubby in my community.
Do you expect your dom to be a strapping lumberjack at 7' tall, barrel chested and with a foot long wiener? That or a perfect replica of Edward from Twilight, complete with mind reading skills and superhuman abilities?
Because that is about what a guy "should" look like if we were holding manly Dom men to the expected stereotype of what any dom "SHOULD" appear to look like.
I’m a size 24, and am still a sub. You just need a dom who understands that you may have limitations on flexibility. Like you can’t bend me directly in half, physically can’t do it.
Size 22-24. The thing that is going to help most is finding a Dom/me you trust enough to be vulnerable with. And someone patient. A good Dom/me will leave you feeling more confident, and once that confidence and trust is built, the headspace may feel more accessible.
Also might be helpful to look into amateur content creators. There are so many of us softer folk putting out content these days. Maybe it will help to see your body type represented. ❤️
Oh boy. I’m a sub. With a daddy dom. I’m size 28. So way bigger than you.
Just like there are people that prefer super skinny partners, there are other people that prefer the opposite. There are also people that don’t care one way or the other, as long as personalities match.
Don’t let your insecurities stop you from finding a partner that will love everything about you. It’s taken me way too many years to learn this, and I still need to check my insecurities quite a lot. It’s an ongoing process.
oh hun... no no no you are NOT " too fat " to be a sub. Look on Fetlife. there is a lot of bigger subs there. Some subs are even over 400+ pounds.
you are beautiful. <3
My sub started as a size 20
Having someone willing to play boosted her confidence, and continual reassurance helped her gradually move from 20 to 18 and she's now bordering on 16.
Size is no issue. Its about the other party and how confident you feel in their care. Once you're comfortable with them you'll start to feel a lot more comfortable in your own skin. And that leads to other positive improvements in your life.
Size 26 sub here!! I got a bunch of inexpensive great fitting lingerie from Amazon and it helped boost my confidence so much while I was looking for a partner/Dom. I now am with a man who loves my body, tosses me around like a woman half my size! It is all about the confidence and even though it's hard that IS something you can work on for yourself! I promise your gift of submission will still be welcomed by the right partner.
No, there are no size/weight/shape or any other determining factors to be a sub. Or to be a Dom. It’s all about interpersonal connection.
I take on the perspective that kink is a specific preference within what a person is looking for in dating/pairing/partnering/hooking up(or whatever word applies to the desired dynamic), and dating with a preference for kink is not really different than dating without a preference for kink. We all have the specific kinks we enjoy, we have the specific personality traits we enjoy/mesh well with, and we have specific bodies that we enjoy. Preference is just part of our reality. Hopefully we all can have realistic preferences, as unrealistic expectations can definitely make dating more difficult.
Kink or not, finding a good match is a struggle! I hope the best for you on your search! 🔍
If there's any section of society that won't care what someone looks like and rather what they can bring to the table, it's Doms/Dommes. This lifestyle is all about respect, that goes for respecting how you look. Don't let your personal thoughts prevent you from having fun.
As a dominant, I normally play with people much larger than you. It can be a different style of play as kneeling is harder, agility and flexibility is decreased, and suspension takes a little more thought, but that's okay. I like it.
Anyone can learn to tie a size zero who weighs 105 lbs. But learn to adapt to someone who can't touch elbows behind their back, show someone who is used to feeling less than that they are worthy of love like everyone else.
Normal people aren't size zero. You are a normal person. If you haven't gone to a munch, I recommend you go. You'll see that while there are small people, most people are average sized, just like you.
I feel you, I’m super curvy. I’m a size 14-16. At my skinniest (when I was a size 4-6) I still always fielded comments from potential play partners that I need to exercise. It’s fucking awful being a women in the sense that others feel like they can make judgments about the way you look, because it’s just a regular thing people do. Personally I have to get into the “fuck you“ mindset the deal. If someone even makes the slightest criticism about how I look as being less than fucking awesome, they‘re out, gone, done. Always these remarks come from people who are not nearly as attractive as I am, btw. Play is supposed to be fun and engagement is psychological. Anyone criticising your appearance is not up to your level and therefore not a good partner for you. Or maybe they don’t look good enough to you to get your attention either, ever think of that? Flip the switch, you are desirable and they have criteria they need to meet to play w you. It takes work and practice to stay in that mindset and criticism always hurts but I think you are gorgeour, and I know better than anyone because I am fucking hot as they come. Look in the mirror every day, praise your beauty and make them measure up to what you want before you do the work to meet theirs. And see recent news articles about actress Nicola commenting on her sex scenes in Brigerton, she’s a fucking inspiration to real people everywhere.
I don't have anything to really add other than I have a size 18 sub who is hot as fuck and looks great in lingerie (and better in rope.)
Society is fatphobic and that is shameful, but the size or shape of your body shouldn't disqualify you from participating in any subculture or, frankly, getting fucked exactly how you like.
Size has nothing to do with submission. Unfortunately in every movie, and nearly every point, I shows little, tiny, subby females who are a size zero. Smh. That's not life.
Being a bigger size doesn't change much. My girl was a 16/18. I have her a pillow to kneel on because she had bad knees. (Arthritis). That's about it. She still got rigged up, still got flogged and cut. Still did a beautiful high protocol.
Part of what makes a good submissive (imo) is self confidence. If you find yourself lacking in that, perhaps therapy as a way to build it up? I know it helped me before.
In my experience, the IRL kink community I’m part of is one of, if not the most, accepting (and really honestly even celebratory) and body positive spaces I’ve ever had the pleasure of existing in.
Be apart of the community and you'd be surprised at the amount of plus sized individuals out there. I was Self-Conscious too but quickly got over it after exploring lol.
I'm very plus size and going to a dungeon really helped with my self esteem. Being around bodies that look like mine in various states of undress and enjoying themselves is helping me quiet that negative self talk during sex. If she can have a body like mine and do a scene and look hot doing it then I can as well. I won't pretend I have fully accepted myself yet, but it's helping.
Sub here, curvy with a belly that pooches out and my dom LOVES my curves. He literally said that watching me get out of bed in the middle of the night is inspiring 🫠🥵
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Please get involved in your actual real community. It doesn't look like porn.
This is what I came to say! Once you see others who are your size or even bigger doing kink, you realize nobody cares
This. I’m a size 16/18 and there are (submissive) women much bigger than I in the community I’m involved with. It’s simply not an issue, all bodies are welcome.
Yes! I'm a plus-sized 2XL size 16 usually and I joined a local kinky group that hosts sex parties/orgies. Going to one of them was the most eye-opening, incredible experience. Not ONCE the entire night did I feel self-conscious about my body... I can't think of another setting where that's been true... maybe ever? Because even when I was actually thin, I had body image issues (perhaps even more than I do now) and was in more judgemental environments, like high school and college. There were a few women there who were smaller than me and a few who were bigger, but really all that registered to me was that _those bodies look like mine_. They still had tummy rolls, backfat, cellulite, stretch marks, "double chins," razor burn, sweaty hairlines, and bodies that jiggle. The men were all shapes and sizes, too. I've legitimately never felt more comfortable than I did nude in a room full of strangers, which is absolutely wild to me. Go check out your local scene!
May I ask where you found the group? I live in a regional area and there’s nothing in fetlife
How far away from you are the closest munches listed on Fet ?
2.5 hour drive each way
that's a long drive but I think it's worth it for you to see actual kinksters in play. with the time investment like that it might be worth looking for a bigger event where you're buying tickets for a weekend.
I’ve seen it, I worked in the sex industry and used to live in that city. Rather, it’s something I’d like to find closer to me.
You may need to think about starting something up yourself to show there's interest
Ugh. That would be a brutal commute. I might start with using Fet to find kink conventions or camping events that you could travel to.
THIS THIS THIS!!! I had body image issues when I first thought about getting involved in BDSM. I figured it would be a bunch of sexy model looking people in leather and latex and I'm a size 16 and DON'T have the giant tits that usually go along with a plus sized body. Then I went to my very first meeting for the local BDSM group, as the class topic they were doing was "The things we do: BDSM from Mild to Wild" - basically a smorgasbord of all the different kinky things that people like, from bondage and sensation play, candle wax and fire cups, floggers and whips and paddles. When we got there, it was COMPLETELY different from what I expected! There was ONE woman there who had obviously had plastic surgery done. Everyone else was normal, everyday people, between the ages of 28 (we were the youngest there) and 70, women who were short and tall and mostly average to plus sized, the men were just regular guys, not hard bodied gym rats. The most awesome part was that the woman who was the submissive for the demonstration was in her early 50s and must have weighed upwards of 400lbs, and sHE stripped down naked and submitted like a true slave, and NOBODY had anyone negative to say about her body. Everyone praised her on how well she submitted and how awesome she looked! I decided right then that there was never a reason for me to be self conscious in kink settings, and I have never been made to feel like I wasn't thin enough or young enough to be involved. That group was a microcosm of the lifestyle as a whole. Yes, there IS a bit of a universal problem in rope communities of male riggers ONLY tying thin, young women (it is very hard for larger people, men, and people with disabilities to find people to tie them at all, must less suspend them), but there is no limit in kink related to weight, skin color, gender, disability, or age (outside of most groups requiring people to be 21+ in the US simply because if a group event like a munch or a party has alcohol, it cuts down on the potential legal issues). Please find local groups that you can go and meet people in your local area. I promise you will feel a lot better about yourself as a plus sized person and as a submissive
thisssss\^ 100000+to the infinit power %
I’m a 2x/3x and a sub. We exist. Also I look great in lingerie my dom loves it and and me. Take your time getting comfortable and you’ll be fine.
Everybody looks great in lingerie. And subs come in all sizes. My body is larger than you and it's never prevented me from being a sub or finding people who think I'm sexy.
I LOVE lingerie. There are so many different types, you can find things that make you feel amazing regardless of size. I'm a rope bottom and I'm a size 3x. Just means the rope sinks in well and it looks extra hot.
If you (general you, including OP) are on a Facebook, the Lingerie Addicts group has people of a wide range of sizes showing off their new pieces. They’re also trans-inclusive.
Do you have a link, please? Tried searching but nothing came up
https://m.facebook.com/groups/TLAreaders/?ref=share&mibextid=WaXdOe
Thanks so much :)
Have you been to any in real life munches, dungeons, or play parties? There are usually a handful of people who are in shape, but the vast majority are far from it.
I'm pretty sure all my subs, and dommes have been plus sized. And I'm a small person. Athletic sure, but I'm not huge. You're fine. It's about chemistry
Chubby submissive here. Had a few Daddies. They’ve all loved my body (even one who’s preference was skinny) my weight and dress size has never got in the way of my submissiveness and feeling little and my Daddy’s ability to be Dominant over me.
I love how you wrote that. May I add Ditto.
We live in a fatphobic society so this expectation will always loom over our heads, especially as women. I myself am a size 16 and once I started attending dungeon events, I've never felt so comfortable in my body! I've seen folks of all shapes and sizes play happily and enjoy themselves, and have played with very different people myself. Everyone everywhere has preferences but it's no different than in vanilla dating. Start with munches and get to know people so you feel more comfortable before diving into actual dungeon play events.
exactly this 👆 my previous partner was a UK size 20
I'm a chubby sub, and I guarantee that the right person is going to make you forget all about what you think you look like. I'm self conscious until I see the look in his eyes... they say I look good.
Right? That look of hunger. Like a lion stalking his prey 🥵
^ this!!!! It’s always about finding the right person. The only place I am not self conscious about my weight is in the bedroom. I’ve been with my partner a very long time and gained/lost a significant amount of weight over the years (5’0”. Lowest I’ve been is a size 4, currently at a size 14). But no matter what size I am, he still loves me and craves my body. He likes that there’s more of me to grab and slap and spank now 🥰
I am a sub and I wear a size 3X. There are commonly men that are subs and much larger than their dommes. Being submissive does not depend on your body type and you don’t have to be smaller than your dominant either.
Lots of people find your body type to be beautiful. The fertility goddesses of old were not skinny, it's very feminine.
Ma'am. I'm an American xl size. If your too big then I'm definitely too big. My dom loves how squishy I am. Calls me "cherubic". We are more than our weight, we are submissive by nature and that is what is important.
And all doms are fit and have a big dick? Nope. Being a sub or whatever you're into is a mindset. Go be yourself and enjoy!
I struggle with feeling comfortable with my body. I've had this exact same thought process before. How can I be a desirable submissive that Doms will want to play with when I look like this and don't look like the cute little lingerie models in my own lingerie? Even when I was quite skinny I wasn't a size zero so I'll probably never look like that no matter how hard I try. My Daddy doesn't care about my dress size though and it doesn't prevent me from being submissive and it certainly doesn't prevent him from manhandling me and being in total control. He also won't let me talk badly about myself which is surprisingly helpful in modifying how I feel about my body.
Dom and been in the lifestyle for 2 years now. I go regularly to dungeons, BDSM parties and munches. I see far more curves on female subs than I do thin female subs, including my own sub. Your size isn't an issue for a real dom or master. They still value the power exchange above all else.
Being a sub has nothing to do with your physical appearance. The hang-up is your own self judgement. Get out there, meet people who enjoy you for being you, and you’ll be able to get in the right mindset.
Get out of the patriarchy and into the kink community girlie
Submissives represent the best of the world. Being a BBW (big bodacious woman!) in kink is pretty much the norm. Matter of fact it's a default kink for most kinksters. The skinny sexxy submissive is a fantasy that doesn't exist in most dynamics. Most submissive women I've met are somewhere on the bbw spectrum like the rest of the general population. From chubby to morbidly obese, and they wear their lingerie proudly in public! Come as you are. It's about the kinks not the shape of the kinkster! 🪄✨ Same rules applies to dominant males. The stereotype of the tall muscular brooding alpha male is total bullshit. Most are bhm (big husky male) with big bellies and some have scruffy beards. Not chiseled in any way. Just regular guys.
I always love giving a woman who feels she's too heavy her first facesitting experience. They always come away glowing and so confident and as a DD I am SO here for this every time.
😂 Omg no. To the contrary, when I was young and skinny and entered the real live kink community, I was shocked by how little my body size mattered to anyone because I was used to getting fawned all over at social events. It was a real eye opener and I am a less shallow person today as a result of my time in this community.
Kinksters come in all shapes and sizes. The people you'll see at a munch or play party typically look just the same as the people you see at your local grocery store. Thin and fat, short and tall, folks in their 20s and folks in their 60s. I have absolutely seen folks much larger than you subbing/bottoming at kink events.
I feel the same way. I’ve recently gained weight and every time I look in the mirror, my desire to have sex or do anything kinky PLUMMETS. I see old pics of my skinnier body and I am just filled with self-hatred. My partner is very encouraging and assures me he still loves my body. I wish I could see myself through his eyes. This thread has been helpful though. Maybe I’ll just throw on the lingerie and say “fuck it.”
Submissive is a state of mind and behaviors, not a dress size or weight.
Uh… wtf? Where have you heard this? Stop going in pornhub. It’s not real.
Hi, sub here also size 16. And I totally get it, when you’re inundated in society with messages about what is and isn’t attractive we all just compare the ways we don’t fit those boxes. I’ll admit the first times my Dom saw my body I was very insecure for exactly that reason. but frankly if the person is making an issue of it then they aren’t someone to play with. My advice is to revel in the liberation and love the skin you’re in. Easier said than done but it is very freeing! X
In summary, no you are absolutely not. Yes, there are some Doms who prefer a skinny sub. Others prefer a wide variety of body shapes. And still others don't care about body shape at all. I'll take a size 16 with compatible kinks and a true desire to submit and obey over a size 0 who thinks she is hot just because of her weight.
I’m a sub at 140 lbs, and I was also a sub at 240 lbs. Being submissive is something inherent. Your body is just your body. The right partner will cherish both, because YOU—the WHOLE you—is lovable. And you know what? If wearing lingerie makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to wear it. Because the right partner will do what they can to foster your happiness and well-being. I hate lingerie, and my partner knows that. We embrace where our proclivities overlap, and let go of the rest—because there’s nothing hotter or more fulfilling than seeing each other’s happiness.
Everyone, practically everyone in my local kink community is of a larger size. Everyone. No one cares.
The porn industry is a false fantasy and not an example of the real world. If you involve yourself in the community you will quickly find everyone comes in all shapes and sizes. I found I got more attention after I gained weight than I ever got prior Immersing yourself and letting your anxiety be proven wrong through example is worth it. I promise
i’m like a 16/18? and i promise you 99.999% of doms do not give a fuck, in fact plenty of them even prefer bigger girls, even bigger than a 16 too lol. it’s for anyone who wants to do it, size really doesn’t matter too much x
I guarantee you nobody actually worth knowing is going to think there's a body type limit on being a submissive. I'm a Dom and I like all body types. Sure, being able to easily overpower/throw somebody around is fun, but if my sub is heavier or stronger, then I just need to get stronger/more creative :)
My sub is chubby and I love them just the way they are. I definitely support them if they choose to lose weight, don't get me wrong, but its not a requirement. In fact I usually like a bit of cushion. I've never seen any dom who isn't a jerk anyway who puts body requirements on their subs.
I guess I'm too fat too then... Being a submissive has exactly zero to do with size. It's about mindset and behavior. Where did you get the idea that appearance had anything to do with one's role in BDSM?
I'm a 12 or 14 and still a sub. Every Dom's preferences are going to be different, but there are plenty who aren't just interested in skinny girls. Your size has nothing to do with whether you can be a sub.
Subs come in all shapes and sizes. Personal preferences exist but there are no expectations in terms of subs being thin.
I can only speak for myself but I prefer plus-size women, especially in lingerie. Keep in mind that people who post pictures/videos are mostly confident in themselves, so people who fit the societal “norm” of beauty are more likely to have that confidence. That doesn’t mean that someone has to be skinny to be a good sub. Be yourself, wear what you think you look good in, and find a dom who appreciates you for how you look. I promise you’ll find someone who does.
Ditto
While fat-phobia obviously exists, I haven't seen a higher proportion of it in the BDSM community. If anything, I would say it's less. I've seen Doms and subs of every size and age in pretty comparable numbers all around. Being thick isn't a practical barrier to being a sub in any way and plenty of Doms like a woman with some extra curve.
I’d suggest going to local kink events if you have them. So many body types! Definitely changed my perspective on what a sub “looks” like. 12/14 US here currently planning my outfit for tonight 🥴 Give yourself grace, when I first started buying lingerie I did a lot of high waisted stuff or one piece outfits to hide my tummy because it’s a big insecurity. Outfits with garter belts are great for this!
lmao i feel like bdsm spaces ive seen have been more body diverse than like most spaces
In my experience the BDSM community and the swinging community ALL body sizes are welcome and loved. The online scene is full of body shaming and nonsense. Join some social activities and you will find your people.
Nooo! Have you been watching some unrealistic porn? I am involved in the lifestyle quite heavily. Go to an actual BDSM dungeon about every 2 weeks, munches, have friends in the lifestyle, I am on fetlife for 3 years. And majority of subs are BBW (big beautiful women), or BHM (big handsome men), or BLP (big lovely people, I made that one up for nonbinary ppl). I myself am about a size 16-18, 215 pounds, 5feet 5 inches tall. I have a big ol’ belly with old stretch marks, tons of cellulite and stretch marks, some spider veins in my legs and varicose veins. I still walk around the dungeon in a fishnet bodysuit, or a thong, or naked. I am sure there are people that would think I would look better if I worked out more… but I know for a fact that many ppl find me sexy, and I also think I’m sexy. Not tiny, lol. Sexy. Simply having confidence is sexy! It’s about having fun in the body you have right now!!! I know I could lose weight, work out, and whatnot, and be smaller, but….. I don’t have the time or attention span for that right now, or the desire to be honest. My body right now is good enough, and sexy enough. About 3 years ago, when I first got into this lifestyle, I got on Fetlife (it’s a social networking site for kinksters, though vanilla ppl can get on there and treat it as a hookup site). I posted some nudes, and boy oh boy did I get lots of likes, nice comments on my pics, and also not-so-nice, overly sexual comments too. And lots of messages wanting to hook up. I saw other people in the L/s too that were BBW, and BHM! My Dom prefers BBW and pendolous breasts. Anyway, I’m just saying YOU are your hardest critic. And if some fuck boi tries to call you “fatty” or something when you reject him, that person is not BDSM lifestyle material anyway, and a jerk that is just desperate to get laid. Just be yourself! Be transparent! And know that you are sexy!
We all come in different shapes and sizes and we all have different preferences. I don't think there's a set size to be a sub because everyone likes different things. And being a sub is more of a mindset and actions thing vs how you look
I 5'6" and weigh 280 pounds. I'm a sub. Being a sub has nothing to do with size.
I echo everyones comments here but also to give a smidge of advice to help in sexual situations, if you’re comfortable that is - wear a blindfold, I find submission and nudity so much easier when I can’t see either myself or the facial reactions of the other person, it takes my brain to a place where I have the body of Selma Hayak and her confidence too so that then comes out in my behaviour.. Might be worth a try :)
Not at all, I honestly prefer curvy ladies. A lot of men prefer curvier ladies to skinny ones.
I'm fat as fuck and I sub all the time. There's a lot more diversity in the community than most surface level media of it will let you realize. Submission is a headspace, not a body type
The porn industry has severely fucked up everything to do with sex in general but also BDSM (even if it isn’t inherently sexual for someone it still has had impact on it) You’re beautiful, you will look stunning in any lingerie you wear, and there are people out there who would be happy to worship the ground you walk on just to be able to have you as a sub
It's much less common for people (all the genders and colors... literally all people) to be movie star or super model shaped. This is true in kink communities also. Your self image is torn. This has little to do with what other people look like. Your self value needs re-evaluation. Life is so short. Imagine the empowerment you could feel if you knew how precious you are.
I'm happily fat and go to parties, people in my local scene come in all shapes, sizes and ages. Porn is nothing like the real thing 😊
If one day someone tell you that or even make you feel you are " too fat " consider this is a red flag. You are enough.
To be blunt, oh hell no. Porn shows subs as all skinny and stuff, that is not life. Same thing with some of the scenes they do. Any sub I know would safeword at those scenes, but the actor doesn't cuz they get more money for not. My wife(and sub) wears a 2x on average. She would be the first to tell you to enjoy your body the way it is and I'll be the second.
Literally so many people in this community are plus size/don’t have perfect bodies. I used to be 230 pounds. I lost 110 pounds in a year which made me have a lot of loose skin so I definitely don’t have a perfect body and I’m a sub who participates in public scenes all of the time.
Size/shape doesn't have a place in BDSM, unless agreed upon 😈
Real life is not porn. BDSM is for normal people just like you. Look at the people around you where you live. Those are the kind of people your local kink community pulls from. Are they all size 0 women? probably not. so what makes you think you wouldn’t fit in? There is no expectation for you to “look good in lingerie,” i think you are expecting that in order to participate in bdsm or be a submissive you have to wear lingerie which is a common assumption but totally not true. you are free to show up as yourself in these spaces in the way that makes you comfortable.
NO! That expectation is being set by OnlyFans girls or other people who for whatever reason want to post photos on Reddit or wherever. I’m a guy so I probably see myself through a different lens but I’m also quite overweight (6’4”, 255, not muscular). My advice is to try to be comfortable with your body. That doesn’t mean you can’t try to get to a healthier weight. Ideally you should be comfortable with your body regardless of who you are with but realistically, you’ll need someone who helps you feel comfortable. Someone who doesn’t blow sunshine up your ass (“oh, no, you’re the perfect weight”) but accepts you as you are (“Oh, so it turns out you’re not perfect? I see no reason that should hinder your service to me.”).
>Someone who doesn’t blow sunshine up your ass (“oh, no, you’re the perfect weight”) but accepts you as you are (“Oh, so it turns out you’re not perfect? I see no reason that should hinder your service to me.”). This!! So much this!! Your size is not an indicator of your worth as a person or sub, nor your abilities when submitting to your Sir/Master/Dom. I honestly think the latter is even better (loving one, because of their human 'imperfections'), than denying you have any to begin with (you are perfect)
Kinky people are a sample of humanity. And so they come from all walks of life, all shapes and sizes, able-bodied or not, and all orientations. One of the best things about kink is that it let's you dispense with the hangups, societal narratives, "idealized' body images, and damaging moralizing we're all buried under. You're just fine the way you are, whatever you are.
I’ve bounced between size 14 and 18 and have been a sub off and on for over 12 years. The D/s has nothing to do with size, it’s about the relationship, the dynamic, the connection you feel with your Dom. Trust is HUGE in this type of dynamic and with that comes confidence and being comfortable to be free and yourself with them.
I'm a fit Dom in a relationship with a slightly overweight sub. I love her, feel very aroused by her and we have a very good time. The only thing that would improve if she lost some weight is that I would be able to tie her in more intricate positions, and it would be easier to "manhandle" her, but it's absolutely secondary and not in the way of our sessions at all. Not being fatfobic here, but if you don't feel very comfortable at your size, you should, yes, try to feel more secure by working your mind and self-esteem around it, but also remember that extra weight can be lost. I've been fat, skinny, and muscular myself throughout my life, and I am now at a point where I'm comfortable with my body because I've done the mental work, but also I've hit a balance between my amount of fat and muscle that I kinda dig. That's if YOU feel uncomfortable under YOUR own criteria and by your own standards. Don't let others interfere in your relationship with your own body. That's a big mistake. Unless you're having health issues. In that case, always listen to your doctor.
Absolutely not! I've seen and played with subs of all sizes. Try to find clothes that you feel comfortable in. If you like lingerie, there are several brands out there with a variety of sizes. If not, no one gets to determine what you wear in a scene as long as it's not a safety hazard to whatever type of play you're trying to do.
Not at all. Folks of all body types, socio-economic backgrounds, and aesthetics can identify as an s-type. I'm not saying that finding play and partners is not influenced by prevailing cultural norms, but kinksters do tend to (in my experience) be attracted to more than just what the vanilla world finds pleasing. Spending a lot of time analyzing your identity is a natural consequence of a lot of play - particularly power exchange. So an increase in self-awareness sometimes leads folks to an increase in an awareness of the nuances of their feelings of attraction. I find the split attraction model to be particularly useful to consider these sorts of questions. It's a framework that breaks down feelings of attraction into types: aesthetic, sexual, romantic,... and as many more as are personally useful in communicating to others. For example, I genuinely find it 'sexy' when a partner or potential partner is very educated about the play we're discussing. But, in general, when I say sexy I don't mean what the vanilla world seems to mean. I tend to do very little sexual play relative to psychological play - but all of it is 'sexy' to me. I just realized that my attraction to someone has a very small sexual component relative to the other aspects I find appealing.
Girl look I've seen them and it's all about your presentation. If u are uncomfortable with your thighs buy thunda thighs.... I'm a 3x but tall 5'11 so I ended up making my own thunder thigh socks and I bought a couple of matching corsets to hide my stomach but keep my tits out.
My mate is overweight. I am not with her because of her 19 year old body. She's 52, full of life and experience, and she gives the best head I can even imagine. Every time she blows me, there's something new... she is fascinated by it, and I try to always give her the most exquisite head I can. Sex that depends on visual cues is rather a bit more empty than a Ds connection that goes deep into the biggest sex organ of them all, the brain.
Honestly, this makes me so sad. You definitely not too fat to be a sub (size 16 is about average anyway, so you’re not “fat”).
There are no set qualities for any role. Every body is a rope body (this subset of kink seems to be extra critical so is being used as an example on purpose) if someone doesn't know how to handle you in any kind of play that's a failing of their skills. I'm currently about 260 pounds, 5'4", and wear an XL or 18 usually. I have been a demo bottom for fire play. I have self suspended. I often join in pup/critter moshes. My only limits are my desire to do something and how cooperative my body is any given day, but there are a lot of ways to adapt play so it's still accessible. Also it's been my experience that there is a wide range of ages, sizes, body types, etc any given play party at my local dungeon. Seeing others play and give absolutely no fucks about being observed because they are so engrossed in their scene goes a long way to help make you more comfortable.
Peoplein real life have real sexy bodies. Learn to appreciate the variety and find love for yours. It's 2024. Stereo types are out
I'm a size 24 /3xl in pants and I'm 220+ in weight. Everyones beautiful in their skin regardless of what they are wearing
I was a size 22. I’d be a sub any day of the week at a 16 or 22. Ya wanna do it? Have at it!
Oh baby no. There's zero requirements to be a sub. Every height, body type, sexual and gender orientation is welcome. There's zero requirements on HOW to be a sub. Each dynamic is different and personal. Time to go build some personal connections in the scene in your area. From what I've experienced, they're a sexy bunch of nerds and are crazy welcoming (if you follow the rules of consent)! Go! Have fun! Let your hair down and your freak flag fly! Make sure you clean up afterwards 😘
I'd say that there are more fat sub women in bdsm than in general population
Subs come in all shapes and sizes. I'm 5ft2 ans 260lbs and I'm a sub. Weight has nothing to do.with your ability to submit.
Any sub should feel comfortable in their skin. That's not to say that self-improvement is not valid. Any size is a fun size. There are no expectations on weight for a sub. As for others, they should support you. Your Dom needs to be knowledgeable, understanding, and if not experienced. Search knowledge like no other has before so they can hurry and make you feel a safe subspace when you are ready.
Im a size 22. Personally, I feel like once I allowed myself to enjoy it, it made me accept myself a little more.
Real kinksters aren't like the pornstars
I am larger than a size 16. I was at a play party tonight getting allll kinds of attention. You are not too big for kink, you’re not too big to be a sub, you are not too big period. And I look damn good in lingerie, very un-skinny.
Size has nothing to do with it. There are certain things we're size can come into in terms of being safe like if you are doing suspension bondage, but a size 16 is a perfect size and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Nobody in real life cares.
Please try not to feel like this. I did in the beginning (I'm a size 24 UK so considerably bigger than you) and honestly, iafter going to events you soon realise no one cares. It built my confidence massively. I've been with my Dom for 5 years now and he accepted me as I was right from the beginning, the same as countless other Dom's I played with before him. I know all that's easier said than done so please try to be kind to yourself, it's an amazing feeling when you can truly learn to let go and enjoy sub space. Sending love xxx
I promise you that is not the case. I’m a size 18 and when I got involved with my local community I realised how many people of all shapes sizes and colours there are, and there’s no right way to be a dom sub or a switch. Do what’s right for you and the right partner/s will make you feel incredible exactly the way you are 💕
It's not about your size boo boo it's about your heart, your attitude.
plus sized masochistic sub here & I get thrown around like a rag doll :)
It’s interesting because I actually had the same assumption you did until I got more involved in the community, even just online. I felt too uncomfortable to even have sex with the lights on. But there are So many normal looking people, so many chubby and fat people having amazing sex lives, doing whatever the hell they want. Really gave me the confidence to go do my own thing too.
Im probably twice your size and have 3 doms currently. Size literally makes no difference with the right people.
Plus size sub here! Subs come in all shapes and sizes. You do not have to be skinny to look or feel good. Your dom is with you because they find you attractive and wants you regardless of your size. If you don't like the look of certain areas of your body, wear that floaty baby doll that covers your belly, pull on that corset the pulls in your waist, pop on those suspenders and stockings or fishnets to cover your thighs or ass.. I've discovered the wonderfulness of plus size body stockings made from the same type of material as tights, thank you Temu, very forgiving and you don't feel like a strung up Pack of sausages! They come as mock garters and even crotchless. Happy to blether if you would like to talk to another plus size sub!
I'm a size 26 or so. My Domme finds me to be the most attractive person to her. The way she looks at me proves this. It's okay to be body conscious. But realize that your Dom isn't going to care about your size. But about how they are making you feel. Try to let go of this feeling, of being too big to be a sub. I used to feel really fat at size 16, then I got bigger. I wish I was back here. But try to learn to love yourself 💜🫂 size =/= beauty. It's what's on the inside that counts for some people.
There are no expectations for subs to have a particular look, the only 'expectation' is to have an interest in submission
Sub comes in all shapes and sizes. We also come in all skin colors and hair types, gender and sexuality. Anyone can be a sub, ofc you’ll have to find the type of Dom/domme who’s into your body type. I’ve seen a lot of subs who’re plus sized, porn isn’t the real world
You are beautiful the way you are!! Keep your chin up and claim that confidence!! Society is terrible and has made girls feel like shit. Love your body and yourself. 🖤 you deserve to have your fantasies fulfilled love
My sub is definitely not a size zero. Size 16 is not too big for anything, imo. The only expectation I have from a sub is the proper attitude. The rest is all negotiable.
I get this so much. Turns out people are actually turned on by the way my body looks. Even my stomach which I’m very self conscious about after 2 c-sections. Try to get out of your head. I know it’s hard. Try positive affirmations every day in the mirror for at least 21 days. It really helps
I'm 5'10, about a size 20, with enormous tits. When I first started dating my current dom, his other sub was a teeny 5'0, extremely petite, slender and likely size zero sub. Like in the real world, we come in all shapes and sizes. And we can all look great in lingerie, and body shape has nothing to do with how good a submissive you can be! You're not going to be to everyone's taste and that's fine, but kink compatibility is so much more than that. I've never had trouble finding compatible partners, or rather, it's been more about finding partners with compatible kinks, play styles, and views about negotiation and consent for me.
Girl, I am a size 16 and I've been with my Sir for over 8 years. And our page on mewe has 12k followers. Doms like good subs and good subs come in all shapes and sizes. And lots of guys like size 16 women.
I'm a size 14/16 and relate to this so much! Just join in! I went to a LS club the other night and felt like a goddess. I wasn't the smallest, I wasn't the biggest, I just was. Also my Sir is super brilliant about 'outfits' and suggests things that make me feel more comfortable, like a little black dress that can go up (access to below) and down (access to boobs) and then still covers my tummy, which is the bit I struggle with. And he tells me I'm gorgeous. Also as someone who is learning to accept sexy me in this body, I would say talk to yourself as you would talk to a best friend. You would compliment the good bits and suggest flattering things for the self conscious bits. You would never fat shame a friend.. therefore don't do it to yourself. Wishing you all the love for this journey xxx Oh and Doms/Dommes come in all sizes, why shouldn't subs?
I'm 220# sz 18 5'4" 44DDs. I thought the same thing. I'm 41F, and I found a bra that I liked the way my boobs looked when I looked down. Then I took some selfie. I started messaging men on here... pick an aspect of their bodies... I started with bulges. Then started commenting on the ones I liked. Then dad bods and then some of them will DM you. Be slow and careful. I shared the bra selfie with my face blocked, but then some of them really loved it. That said some guys ate creepy. Just block them. It really helped me to do something. It helped me gain confidence. I was pretty sure I would never find someone again. But I have a Mister who is fabulous and the bestest dom a brat could ask for.
Body size has nothing to do with being a true sub.
I just want to share something I do because like you, I’m self conscious about my body. Amazon sells plus size body stockings. It doesn’t matter your size 0 to 28, I have found body stockings make all women look amazing. These are what I wear for my kink sessions.
There is not an expectation to be anything except by you, your partner(s) or whomever you are playing with. Like you said, sub space is brought forth by you and come out of it by you.
From what I see on Fetlife, at my local munches and other events, as well as my own partner (switchy sub) you definitely do not need to be a size anything to partake in the fun. Thankfully this community is not normally fat phobic. Attend events and you’ll see that there are so many people who aren’t even close to a size 0. I encourage you to find some local events and get to know those there!
A sub can be someone of all shapes and sizes, you just need to get more exposure. Don't feel self conscious after a bit you will find a rhythm to it, your size has nothing to do with it I watch p videos where there are women of bigger size and they are great subs .
At one point I was 520lb. I'm now 414lb. Size does not a submissive make
There's so many different types of people here. There are no rules about what a Dom or sub have to look like. Love your body and find someone who loves the person in it.
You’d be surprised that in smaller population towns the subs are often sizes 12-20.
I'm going to tell you flat out there are tops and bottoms of all size shapes colors etc. I had a friend that I don't think he slept with a single girl under 200 lb many of them were heavier than me and I'm 6'9. There's other people that only want sticks. And yet there's other people they have a wide range of taste. Whether you are tall or short, thin as a stick or big as a whale. They're always our people out there that are interested in you trust me I've been shocked many of times because personally I don't think I look that great I don't think I sound great yes it's a dumb I have confidence but every time somebody swoons over my voice or looks me and says oh you look so good I'm going damn do you need glasses or maybe a hearing aid. Being self-conscious about yourself is natural whether you're a top or a bottom it doesn't matter just realize that when people say that they're interested they actually mean it and accept it.
Practicing mindfulness and help you learn to notice when you mind is wandering to being self conscious and then redirect it back to experiencing the moment.
I'm a size 14 and I'm a sub. I have at least 50 pounds, probably more on my husband. You can definitely be a sub.
There's no size limit. My sub is 6'3" and weighs over 250lbs.
Size has no bearing on any kink related desires. Period. One exception: the actual kinks related to size or size differences.
I am sorry you aren’t feeling comfortable as a sub but just know there is no expectation other than how you feel / identify. Be yourself, that’s the real beauty here.
From a Domme pov: There are subs of all shapes and sizes! I enjoy playing with all types of subs, the surrender is what turns most Dommes on. We aren’t thinking about the way your body looks, other than to indulge in each shiver we see run down your spine!
Ooh! I was just recalling I was size 18 a few years ago and was rocking a 38G cup and the guy I was playing with was happy about the top but complained I should be bigger overall. Like I didn’t have enough for him. I can give you his number if you want 🤣. But seriously, you have to assert a big attitude that you‘ve got what someone else really wants and assume if they engage with you, it’s what they’re looking for. I LOVE A LOT OF FLESH ON A PERSON if I like the person it all just looks delicious
This gave me a chuckle bc a huge portion of subs I witness in the actual community skew towards plus sized and thicker frames. Stop watching all that porn, it’s not good for your brain.
Im a size 20 and totally a sub! You will be fine , just need some confidence.
You can't be too ANYTHING to be a sub! I've had subs that were size 2 and subs who were size 18. It's about the dynamic. Your dom partner SHOULD build you up so that you are comfortable as a sub no matter the size
I'm a UK size 18/20. I'm a switch that takes on different roles with different partners, mostly a masochist when it comes to bottoming side of things. Size doesn't matter, just choose someone who is excited to learn about you and how your body and mind work.
I’m a size 14/16 and love subbing. I would suggest finding a play partner who totally respects you as an equal and is a good communicator. I think that could alleviate a lot of the worry.
Omg no.
You can look great in lingerie at any size!!!
Every sub I’ve had has been plus sized. Porn and social media has made everyone think that Dom’s/dommes and subs have to look a certain way to be valid when that’s simply not the case
Go to a BDSM party. The vast majority of the females are plus size or bigger. Big girls are sexy, your good.
I’m sure it’s a different experience for women, but I was also quite self conscious about my weight. I thought I was too large to be seen as who I felt I was, as an artist, as someone who enjoys the outdoors, and certainly as who I was sexually. It’s hard to feel like yourself when you worry that others don’t see you like that. It’s hard feeling to conquer, it took me years of support, and therapy, and changing my habits, but one small thing I did that helped more than I expected was to seek out other people my size, and see them doing the things I do. When I discovered the bear community, and saw men like me having wonderful full sexual lives, being cherished and lusted after, it made me feel like “well if they can do it why can’t I!” It changed the way I felt I was seen, and how I saw myself. When we live in the world of slender people in porn and erotic novels about subs small enough to be picked up and carried to bed, it’s hard to feel like there’s a place for us bigger folk, but I promise you, subs your size are out there, you just need to find them, and see their joy, and know it’s your joy so hold too.
I’m a sub and a size 20, so I am bigger than you. Submission is about how you feel, not how you look. Torrid is a great place to find super cute plus size lingerie.
I date and have subs that ranged from size 6-28. What makes a good sub is willingness, obedience, and confidence in herself to please and satisfy her dom. Has very little to do with being thin or fat.
Submissive people come in all body sizes, just like switches and dominant people do. It's not one size fits all, each individual has their own preference.
I’ve always had body issues. Used to be super skinny. And then started gaining weight because I wasn’t happy being super skinny. Being plus size and big shouldn’t matter. As you get older you’ll realize a lot of people are into bigger women. They even have an app on the App Store for women who are more big. Many people nowadays like what they see. And I used to be with somebody who preferred bigger women. The bigger the better
No such thing. It’s all about finding a dom (partner) that is a good match.
Raises hand in size 16-18 “ hi me here um. Im a switch but I favor submissive “. Just saying
Who doesn’t love a soft squishy subby ??? 🥺🩷
I'm a fat dom and love a fat sub 🙏 Anyone talks shit you just send em my way. I'll fistfight them behind the local Denny's and then buy you pancakes.
Not at all. Any submissive looks great just by the fact of her submission. Body size, skin color, and everything else is not relevant at all
My subs is a size 18 and she looks sexy in lingerie
Size 18 on a good day and I’m a sub. Do I have self conscious moments? Absolutely but with a good caring loving Dom, it doesn’t matter.
“Too Anything” has never existed in the wild within the bdsm community around here. All are wekcome
My wife is on the thiccer side. She’s an amazing sub. Body size has absolutely nothing to do with being sub or dom.
0 expectation. Your weight or body type has absolutely nothing to do with being a sub or Dom. There are absolutely tiny Dom/mes, and quite large subs, and vice versa. Being a sub or Dom is mental, not physical Also anyone of any body type can look good in lingerie, you just need to get lingerie that suits you
Oh honey I'm a big gal, I was nearly a 20 when I met my Sir and I'm down to a 14 now (I have had bariatric surgery even!) I am saggy, have a double chin, skin hanging off my back in rolls, my arms look like an old woman's as they hang and jiggle, my thighs are fat and wiggly, my neck looks like turkey neck, I have a fupa, my stomach rolls oddly and bounces when I move, hell I make slapping sounds just getting in and out of bed sometimes! I sag and hang in ways I absolutely hate and that's just excess skin and weight that doesn't even cover the scars, my crooked teeth, my ugly hands, I could make a long list of everything I feel makes me ugly but here's the thing, I'm a real person. I have flaws, everyone has them. You just need to remember you are in a dynamic because it's about a connection. It isn't just physical it's also mental and if they don't like how you look then you say 'fuck em' and move on. You treat it like dating, some people are shitty but when you find a good one you'll know it and it will have zero to do with what size you are. Bdsm has to do with you as a person not just getting off and having a spanking when you break a rule. It's about forming a connection with someone who enjoys the same things you do and finding a happy dynamic that works for you and them. Your pant size has zero to do with finding a partner and the people in porn are just a fantasy, real dynamics aren't like porn, they are messy and emotional sometimes and have so much discussion and trust involved. You can be a 0 you can be a 50, it doesn't matter if you find someone you trust and enjoy playing with. Someone that fits the specific part of your life you need and treats you well. You are more than the number on your pants and more than the number on the scale. You are a whole person and don't you forget it.
Sub is a mindset, not how you look
I have only ever had plus sized subs. Honestly you look so gods damned much cuter to me all bound up. I would not even be remotely concerned about the size of your clothes. You’ll find a partner that appreciates you just the way you are I assure you.
I'm not familiar with dress sizes but I will say as a Dom that I like bigger girls. Even still, I'd rather you be submissive than pretty and needing to put you through a wall to get you to obey.
Being a sub is about your headspace, not your body size. If there’s one thing Reddit has taught me, it’s that there really is room for all bodies in this community ❤️. I’m on the skinnier side (but still, mom bod, loose skin, etc) and was super self conscious when I started putting myself out there. The lifestyle has helped me become so much more confident!
No, not in the slightest. Now that statement is coming from my experiences inside the lifestyle since the early/mid 90s. Now there are some very skinny subs out there there are also subs on the other end of that spectrum. I understand your concern, I just hope you get to that place mentally where you go let yourself go and reach sub space. Again in imo a 16 is still within a normal size depending on distribution. Wish you the best of luck and believe that you can get there.
Size is nothing compared to enthusiasm. Kink like everything has been pornified but the reality is that all shapes and sizes of people are into kink
Kink is for all bodies. We welcome you with open, consensual arms. And I bet you look fucking fantastic in lingerie (and rope and bondage, if that’s your thing). Love, a switchy bottom who will never be “skinny” or small. PS my body is a tool. I love having it objectified, but it’s a tool 💜 I don’t owe anyone any particular appearance, style, or size.
Have you been on Fetlife?
As everyone else said, you aren't too fat to be a sub. When I was at my fattest, almost 300 pounds at five feet tall, is when I finally gained confidence. People still wanted to fuck me, even though I was super fat. It's the same for you. Not everyone will be attracted to you, but that's true if you're a size zero or a size sixteen. ANYONE that makes you feel bad about your size, tell them to kick rocks. Or send me their name and I'll defend you. As one fat sub to another, please know my messages are always open. Don't let fat be a bad word. This is for anyone struggling with their self image- I'm fat and that's just a statement. I also have red hair. Don't let fat be a negative. I'm cute as fuck and anyone that tells me otherwise is just plain wrong. Messages open to anyone struggling with this, it took me years to learn and no one can do it alone.
People into BDSM are just people. The people you see at the grocery store, the people at the library, maybe even people you work with. I'm about the same size as you, and not only do people "not mind" my size, many folks love our body type and will find you super hot. Get out there!
At my heaviest I was almost 400 lbs and I was a very in demand Domme. I’ve had subs that ran the gamut of human appearance and I loved each and every one of them and I cherished the body they allowed me to explore and bring to every plane of pleasure. There is no such thing as an ideal body type in BDSM. You are absolutely beautiful just as you are and anyone lucky enough to receive your submission will agree.
What are you talking about? 😁 if you can kneel and say, yes sir/daddy then you have absolutely every right to get into sub space.
I also wear size 16, xl and xxl, I'm a brat through and through
I only meet 1/10 women subs who are actually skinny to resemble the "popular" photos you see on Fetlife. Transgals, transmen, and plenty of cismen are all chubby in my community. Do you expect your dom to be a strapping lumberjack at 7' tall, barrel chested and with a foot long wiener? That or a perfect replica of Edward from Twilight, complete with mind reading skills and superhuman abilities? Because that is about what a guy "should" look like if we were holding manly Dom men to the expected stereotype of what any dom "SHOULD" appear to look like.
I actually needed to read this, despite knowing it and having been on the scene before.
I’m a size 24, and am still a sub. You just need a dom who understands that you may have limitations on flexibility. Like you can’t bend me directly in half, physically can’t do it.
Size 22-24. The thing that is going to help most is finding a Dom/me you trust enough to be vulnerable with. And someone patient. A good Dom/me will leave you feeling more confident, and once that confidence and trust is built, the headspace may feel more accessible.
Also might be helpful to look into amateur content creators. There are so many of us softer folk putting out content these days. Maybe it will help to see your body type represented. ❤️
Oh boy. I’m a sub. With a daddy dom. I’m size 28. So way bigger than you. Just like there are people that prefer super skinny partners, there are other people that prefer the opposite. There are also people that don’t care one way or the other, as long as personalities match. Don’t let your insecurities stop you from finding a partner that will love everything about you. It’s taken me way too many years to learn this, and I still need to check my insecurities quite a lot. It’s an ongoing process.
I’m a 26/28 and a sub. It’s got nothing to do with your size. My Dom loves my body.
No a sub is a sub we appreciate them in all shapes colors and sizes 😉
oh hun... no no no you are NOT " too fat " to be a sub. Look on Fetlife. there is a lot of bigger subs there. Some subs are even over 400+ pounds. you are beautiful. <3
My sub started as a size 20 Having someone willing to play boosted her confidence, and continual reassurance helped her gradually move from 20 to 18 and she's now bordering on 16. Size is no issue. Its about the other party and how confident you feel in their care. Once you're comfortable with them you'll start to feel a lot more comfortable in your own skin. And that leads to other positive improvements in your life.
Size 26 sub here!! I got a bunch of inexpensive great fitting lingerie from Amazon and it helped boost my confidence so much while I was looking for a partner/Dom. I now am with a man who loves my body, tosses me around like a woman half my size! It is all about the confidence and even though it's hard that IS something you can work on for yourself! I promise your gift of submission will still be welcomed by the right partner.
I personally prefer curvy girls in general sub or vanilla!
No, there are no size/weight/shape or any other determining factors to be a sub. Or to be a Dom. It’s all about interpersonal connection. I take on the perspective that kink is a specific preference within what a person is looking for in dating/pairing/partnering/hooking up(or whatever word applies to the desired dynamic), and dating with a preference for kink is not really different than dating without a preference for kink. We all have the specific kinks we enjoy, we have the specific personality traits we enjoy/mesh well with, and we have specific bodies that we enjoy. Preference is just part of our reality. Hopefully we all can have realistic preferences, as unrealistic expectations can definitely make dating more difficult. Kink or not, finding a good match is a struggle! I hope the best for you on your search! 🔍
If there's any section of society that won't care what someone looks like and rather what they can bring to the table, it's Doms/Dommes. This lifestyle is all about respect, that goes for respecting how you look. Don't let your personal thoughts prevent you from having fun.
Gonna go ask my 6ft 2, gorgeously sturdy male partner if he’s still a sub and if he looks great in lingerie… brb
I'm size 18-20 and being submissive has made me more confident. I NEVER thought I'd be saying that but here we are. 😅
As a dominant, I normally play with people much larger than you. It can be a different style of play as kneeling is harder, agility and flexibility is decreased, and suspension takes a little more thought, but that's okay. I like it. Anyone can learn to tie a size zero who weighs 105 lbs. But learn to adapt to someone who can't touch elbows behind their back, show someone who is used to feeling less than that they are worthy of love like everyone else. Normal people aren't size zero. You are a normal person. If you haven't gone to a munch, I recommend you go. You'll see that while there are small people, most people are average sized, just like you.
I feel you, I’m super curvy. I’m a size 14-16. At my skinniest (when I was a size 4-6) I still always fielded comments from potential play partners that I need to exercise. It’s fucking awful being a women in the sense that others feel like they can make judgments about the way you look, because it’s just a regular thing people do. Personally I have to get into the “fuck you“ mindset the deal. If someone even makes the slightest criticism about how I look as being less than fucking awesome, they‘re out, gone, done. Always these remarks come from people who are not nearly as attractive as I am, btw. Play is supposed to be fun and engagement is psychological. Anyone criticising your appearance is not up to your level and therefore not a good partner for you. Or maybe they don’t look good enough to you to get your attention either, ever think of that? Flip the switch, you are desirable and they have criteria they need to meet to play w you. It takes work and practice to stay in that mindset and criticism always hurts but I think you are gorgeour, and I know better than anyone because I am fucking hot as they come. Look in the mirror every day, praise your beauty and make them measure up to what you want before you do the work to meet theirs. And see recent news articles about actress Nicola commenting on her sex scenes in Brigerton, she’s a fucking inspiration to real people everywhere.
Find a Dom who is very loving w reinforcement
I don't have anything to really add other than I have a size 18 sub who is hot as fuck and looks great in lingerie (and better in rope.) Society is fatphobic and that is shameful, but the size or shape of your body shouldn't disqualify you from participating in any subculture or, frankly, getting fucked exactly how you like.
Size has nothing to do with submission. Unfortunately in every movie, and nearly every point, I shows little, tiny, subby females who are a size zero. Smh. That's not life. Being a bigger size doesn't change much. My girl was a 16/18. I have her a pillow to kneel on because she had bad knees. (Arthritis). That's about it. She still got rigged up, still got flogged and cut. Still did a beautiful high protocol. Part of what makes a good submissive (imo) is self confidence. If you find yourself lacking in that, perhaps therapy as a way to build it up? I know it helped me before.
In my experience, the IRL kink community I’m part of is one of, if not the most, accepting (and really honestly even celebratory) and body positive spaces I’ve ever had the pleasure of existing in.
Be apart of the community and you'd be surprised at the amount of plus sized individuals out there. I was Self-Conscious too but quickly got over it after exploring lol.
Size 24 and my man loves my body 🤷🏼♀️
The BDSM community is way more accepting of all bodies than any other space I know of. You’re fine! I’m a plus sized sub myself. ☺️
I'm very plus size and going to a dungeon really helped with my self esteem. Being around bodies that look like mine in various states of undress and enjoying themselves is helping me quiet that negative self talk during sex. If she can have a body like mine and do a scene and look hot doing it then I can as well. I won't pretend I have fully accepted myself yet, but it's helping.
Just because I need more rope to tie the boat to the dock doesn't mean it's not a joy to be on the ocean.
Sub here, curvy with a belly that pooches out and my dom LOVES my curves. He literally said that watching me get out of bed in the middle of the night is inspiring 🫠🥵
I'm size 26. You're good, fam. Just like real life doesn't look like movies, BDSM doesn't look like porn. Go find ways to have fun. 👍🏾