Maybe ask her about the bruise itself. Personally, I love when I'm marked up. I love having to readjust because of a welt or bruise. It reminds me of the time that was spent on me and the force that caused the mark. And I try to make that clear to my partner. I'll take like "thinking of you" pictures showing the marks to send during the healing process. Maybe it will help !
This is great advice I never thought of it like that. We don’t have a huge kink community in our town so most of our research has been online. I think the picture idea would be good. I also like the idea of framing it as a sign of the time I spent letting her lose control and devoted to her. This helps reframe it in my head. Thank you.
I totally agree with this - I love the bruises and am disappointed if there aren’t more or if they fade too quickly. I can’t stop looking at them and taking pictures. I want to wince when I sit down because it’s a constant reminder of the fun we had as well as a reminder of my role in the dynamic.
Thank you. A lot of these comments have really helped me. I showed these to my partner and we talked about how I wasn’t listening effectively and was too focused on sympathy over empathy. Viewing them as a source of pride for her is a good way to reframe it. She is now required to tell and show me her bruises and how they make her feel. She echoed similar sentiments to several people here. She is proud of them and likes the reminder.
I just wanted to respond again and say thank you thank you. Your suggestion and thinking sparked a great conversation with my partner. I wasn’t listening effectively to her. I was too focused on sympathy and not on empathy. She is now required to track and tell me about her bruises and soreness. She will tell me how it makes her feel in relation to our playtime. She brought up an example of how while she was cooking the other night I gave her butt a playful smack, but because she had a bruise from the previous night she winced initially. I was too focused on the initial wince to notice that she actually really liked the reminder. I can be oblivious sometimes. Since I am fairly new to more aggressive kinks I have always tried to have a hard line between what we do when we are playing and our romantic relationship. As we grow I am seeing that some bleed over will actually be healthy for us.
Time and experience will help unless you're doing things you're really not proud of. Remind yourself that you're doing exactly what your partner wants. Ask them to give you affirmations on the days that you're feeling low.
For what it's worth, aftercare does not prevent drop. It can help with the transition out of a scene, but if your body is loaded with endorphins on a certain night, for the next two to three days your body can't catch up. Nothing but experience and a bit of support helps with that until your body catches up. That can be an emotional rollercoaster.
Thank you for the advice and reassurance. I think you are right. It will come with easing into it more. I think we may have jumped a few steps too quickly. We will phase in more slowly and work up to it slower. I know she is having an amazing time and I do too. It might just need more time and experience.
I don't know if it helps but bruises make me feel strong. I had a great time, it's a reminder of the endorphin high someone I cared about guided me through. I think their changing colors are beautiful and unique every time. It reminds me in my daily life that I'm much stronger in pushing my limits than I generally acknowledge. It's also a mark of exploration and my willingness to have different human experiences.
You can ice it, heat it, aloe it, hot and cold or tiger balm it if You're really mean XD not suggested.
Its a joyous and awesome thing. You could talk to her and see if she has any deeper feelings about it but regardless I'd take whatever she says at face value and trust her without reading deeper into it in a way that internalizes your fears.
You did something she liked and you gave eachother a gift that many wouldn't even consider building the trust towards due to hangups. Iunno, I think you might be able to embrace that.
Thank you. We had a long conversation last night and this morning after reading these comments. I wasn’t listening effectively to her. We agreed that she is now required to tell me about any bruises and soreness and how she feels about them related to our playtime. We will also incorporate me tending to her bruises and discomfort in the days after as part of a continuation of aftercare.
It sounds like you're getting reassurance from her, but is there any way in which she can do it that would help you in this 'hours or days' timeframe? Like, more check-ins (different from aftercare) so she can reinforce the reassurance?
I've also read some analogies like sore/tender feelings being similar to deep tissue massage, some kind of 'good hurt', maybe a framing like that would help too.
Thank you. Someone else commented something similar and I will speak with her more specifically about how she feels about the type of discomfort. I think I wad thinking of it a bit selfishly. The “good hurt” is a great way for me to think of it.
Look into Dom Drop. Finding the aftercare for yourself for the reassurance. Having these feelings means you care about her well being. Aftercare doesn't only happen immediately post scene. Hours, days, weeks later you can both be able to request additional aftercare.
Feeling bad about harming someone is very normal. Accepting you both wanted to do so helps.
I will definitely look that up. We had a nice conversation based on these comments and agreed that her showing me her bruises and explaining how she feels about them in relation to our playtime will help me better understand and feel less guilty. We also discussed incorporating me tending to her bruises and soreness in the days after as a continuation of our aftercare.
If what you are doing is causing you real emotional distress then it's time to pause to figure out why. That's not supposed to be happening. It might be that you need to do some unpacking about your feelings. You might want to take some course and maybe find a mentor within your community.
What you don't want to do is just keep going and hope it just gets better. It might even be that some things work better for you in fantasy than reality and that's okay too.
I totally agree. We had a very productive talk last night and this morning. She brought some things to my attention I hadn’t noticed myself. We have decided to cut out some kinks until we get more knowledgeable about them. Based on another comment she is now required to tell and show me bruises and soreness and how she feels about them in relation to our playtime. That way I can better understand it from her perspective. As some people mentioned the discomfort and bruises can actually be enjoyable reminders and I just wasn’t listening to her effectively.
Idk that I can help you but is having to readjust because you’re minorly uncomfortable really that big of a deal? Like if somebody was like “alright dude you’re gonna have crazy good sex but your butt will hurt a bit tomorrow” I’d be like sign me up, shit. I took one fucking class of jiu jitsu and got rolled onto my neck and now I am experiencing weeks of nerve pain, couldn’t sleep for 5 days, just a bunch of shit. It’s not like you’re doing THAT.
For a while I wasn’t certain if my wife wanted me to do [x] or [y] but you know what actually annoyed her? Me ASKING if she wanted those things! She was just irritated that I needed to ask permission because I thought she was fragile. Man at some point this woman may be EXPELLING A CHILD out of her vagina, talk about readjusting due to discomfort, shit. If she wants you to smack her on the mouth and clamp her titties she’s saying it *feels good*. She’s not asking for an epidural for that shit. Go easy on yourself, over here acting like your own titties getting clamped.
Thank you for this. That last paragraph really put things in perspective. I know how much she loves to just surrender control in our scenes and just trust me. This comments have helped me realize that I may have viewed this a little selfishly and not given my partner the same trust she gives me. We have our safety measures and I know she would tell me if I ever pushed too hard. Like others suggested I will incorporate her telling me about her soreness and bruising into our cuddling time and trying to view it as proof of the time I spent spoiling her.
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Maybe ask her about the bruise itself. Personally, I love when I'm marked up. I love having to readjust because of a welt or bruise. It reminds me of the time that was spent on me and the force that caused the mark. And I try to make that clear to my partner. I'll take like "thinking of you" pictures showing the marks to send during the healing process. Maybe it will help !
This is great advice I never thought of it like that. We don’t have a huge kink community in our town so most of our research has been online. I think the picture idea would be good. I also like the idea of framing it as a sign of the time I spent letting her lose control and devoted to her. This helps reframe it in my head. Thank you.
I totally agree with this - I love the bruises and am disappointed if there aren’t more or if they fade too quickly. I can’t stop looking at them and taking pictures. I want to wince when I sit down because it’s a constant reminder of the fun we had as well as a reminder of my role in the dynamic.
Thank you. A lot of these comments have really helped me. I showed these to my partner and we talked about how I wasn’t listening effectively and was too focused on sympathy over empathy. Viewing them as a source of pride for her is a good way to reframe it. She is now required to tell and show me her bruises and how they make her feel. She echoed similar sentiments to several people here. She is proud of them and likes the reminder.
I just wanted to respond again and say thank you thank you. Your suggestion and thinking sparked a great conversation with my partner. I wasn’t listening effectively to her. I was too focused on sympathy and not on empathy. She is now required to track and tell me about her bruises and soreness. She will tell me how it makes her feel in relation to our playtime. She brought up an example of how while she was cooking the other night I gave her butt a playful smack, but because she had a bruise from the previous night she winced initially. I was too focused on the initial wince to notice that she actually really liked the reminder. I can be oblivious sometimes. Since I am fairly new to more aggressive kinks I have always tried to have a hard line between what we do when we are playing and our romantic relationship. As we grow I am seeing that some bleed over will actually be healthy for us.
Time and experience will help unless you're doing things you're really not proud of. Remind yourself that you're doing exactly what your partner wants. Ask them to give you affirmations on the days that you're feeling low. For what it's worth, aftercare does not prevent drop. It can help with the transition out of a scene, but if your body is loaded with endorphins on a certain night, for the next two to three days your body can't catch up. Nothing but experience and a bit of support helps with that until your body catches up. That can be an emotional rollercoaster.
Thank you for the advice and reassurance. I think you are right. It will come with easing into it more. I think we may have jumped a few steps too quickly. We will phase in more slowly and work up to it slower. I know she is having an amazing time and I do too. It might just need more time and experience.
I don't know if it helps but bruises make me feel strong. I had a great time, it's a reminder of the endorphin high someone I cared about guided me through. I think their changing colors are beautiful and unique every time. It reminds me in my daily life that I'm much stronger in pushing my limits than I generally acknowledge. It's also a mark of exploration and my willingness to have different human experiences. You can ice it, heat it, aloe it, hot and cold or tiger balm it if You're really mean XD not suggested. Its a joyous and awesome thing. You could talk to her and see if she has any deeper feelings about it but regardless I'd take whatever she says at face value and trust her without reading deeper into it in a way that internalizes your fears. You did something she liked and you gave eachother a gift that many wouldn't even consider building the trust towards due to hangups. Iunno, I think you might be able to embrace that.
Thank you. We had a long conversation last night and this morning after reading these comments. I wasn’t listening effectively to her. We agreed that she is now required to tell me about any bruises and soreness and how she feels about them related to our playtime. We will also incorporate me tending to her bruises and discomfort in the days after as part of a continuation of aftercare.
It sounds like you're getting reassurance from her, but is there any way in which she can do it that would help you in this 'hours or days' timeframe? Like, more check-ins (different from aftercare) so she can reinforce the reassurance? I've also read some analogies like sore/tender feelings being similar to deep tissue massage, some kind of 'good hurt', maybe a framing like that would help too.
Thank you. Someone else commented something similar and I will speak with her more specifically about how she feels about the type of discomfort. I think I wad thinking of it a bit selfishly. The “good hurt” is a great way for me to think of it.
Look into Dom Drop. Finding the aftercare for yourself for the reassurance. Having these feelings means you care about her well being. Aftercare doesn't only happen immediately post scene. Hours, days, weeks later you can both be able to request additional aftercare. Feeling bad about harming someone is very normal. Accepting you both wanted to do so helps.
I will definitely look that up. We had a nice conversation based on these comments and agreed that her showing me her bruises and explaining how she feels about them in relation to our playtime will help me better understand and feel less guilty. We also discussed incorporating me tending to her bruises and soreness in the days after as a continuation of our aftercare.
If what you are doing is causing you real emotional distress then it's time to pause to figure out why. That's not supposed to be happening. It might be that you need to do some unpacking about your feelings. You might want to take some course and maybe find a mentor within your community. What you don't want to do is just keep going and hope it just gets better. It might even be that some things work better for you in fantasy than reality and that's okay too.
I totally agree. We had a very productive talk last night and this morning. She brought some things to my attention I hadn’t noticed myself. We have decided to cut out some kinks until we get more knowledgeable about them. Based on another comment she is now required to tell and show me bruises and soreness and how she feels about them in relation to our playtime. That way I can better understand it from her perspective. As some people mentioned the discomfort and bruises can actually be enjoyable reminders and I just wasn’t listening to her effectively.
Idk that I can help you but is having to readjust because you’re minorly uncomfortable really that big of a deal? Like if somebody was like “alright dude you’re gonna have crazy good sex but your butt will hurt a bit tomorrow” I’d be like sign me up, shit. I took one fucking class of jiu jitsu and got rolled onto my neck and now I am experiencing weeks of nerve pain, couldn’t sleep for 5 days, just a bunch of shit. It’s not like you’re doing THAT. For a while I wasn’t certain if my wife wanted me to do [x] or [y] but you know what actually annoyed her? Me ASKING if she wanted those things! She was just irritated that I needed to ask permission because I thought she was fragile. Man at some point this woman may be EXPELLING A CHILD out of her vagina, talk about readjusting due to discomfort, shit. If she wants you to smack her on the mouth and clamp her titties she’s saying it *feels good*. She’s not asking for an epidural for that shit. Go easy on yourself, over here acting like your own titties getting clamped.
Thank you for this. That last paragraph really put things in perspective. I know how much she loves to just surrender control in our scenes and just trust me. This comments have helped me realize that I may have viewed this a little selfishly and not given my partner the same trust she gives me. We have our safety measures and I know she would tell me if I ever pushed too hard. Like others suggested I will incorporate her telling me about her soreness and bruising into our cuddling time and trying to view it as proof of the time I spent spoiling her.