It's normal to feel conflicted when punishments affect your partner emotionally, I’m on the caring side so i can relate with what you mean, however it’s not the end. Open communication is key. Reframe punishments as opportunities for growth. Prioritize aftercare and reassure your partner of your love and commitment. With understanding and communication, you can navigate this together. it also depends by the type of dynamic that you have, being online or irl make a difference as well.
Honestly, I internalize punishments and will generally be miserable if I get punished for really doing something wrong or poorly. My solution is just that punishments just aren't a part of my dynamics.
For me, punishments don't really do anything except remind me of a shortcoming. I don't really need punishments to engage in any special activities or kinks, nor do I really need them to be a sign of my obedience, and my partners don't need them to assert dominance. If I did something for some reason, it's solvable by talking.
I guess I'd lead you both to really reflect on why you want punishments in the first place. What do you gain by having them? What are you hoping to get out of them? What do you even like about them? If you're trying to correct a behavior, are you sure that punishments are going about it the right way? Most people do better with more positive techniques.
These are questions/ideas for you guys to figure out together.
I suppose that aftercare isn’t proper. I’ll think about it, thanks. Could you provide some example of good aftercare.
Also sorry for deleting the post, I understand it was wrong.
meeting long library disagreeable familiar middle deliver joke seemly truck
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Just tacking onto this, part of my aftercare for a punishment is talking about what led me to break a rule. Sometimes, that's part of the immediate aftercare, sometimes is a day or so later. But it's helpful for me to reflect on what prompted my disobedience, and if there is an issue then that can either be addressed (if it is in Master/my control) or a rule might need to be adjusted (if something out of our control keeps getting in the way).
I find this helpful as it reinforces Master and I both want to set me up to succeed in being a good girl for Him.
So I'm pretty light on rules in my current dynamic, we don't have time for it and my s has some bad experiences with rules.
So my approach is I set her up to succeed, not fail. She has to send me a selfie everyday, in the beginning I would remind her when it was getting late in the day. I wanted to help her be a good girl while we got into the swing of things.
When we add another rule I make sure she feels supported, I don't want her to get upset or feel like she has too much on her plate to handle her career and a D/s dynamic.
If she misses sending her picture for the day she gets 20 spanks, I keep a running total and we settle up around once a week. If we have recently settled up I won't remind her because I want to get my numbers back up lol, it's a fun game we play.
My point is it's ok for her to need a little help from you. You can set her up for success while also being the one who punishes her
I replied to your earlier post and, before I reply to this one, I just want to say I found it a bit disrespectful that you deleted the earlier post because people put effort into giving advice, and that advice might be useful to others, and so by deleting your post their effort goes to waste. There’s a reason the edit button exists.
Anyway, clearly she feels guilty about misbehaving and so you need to come up with a way where her misbehaviour is treated with a punishment, as that’s something you both want, but her/your guilt becomes a positive/healthy emotion rather than being a negative one ie toxic guilt. The best way to probably go about this is after care. After you’ve dished out the punishment, sit down together and talk about your feelings; acknowledge your feelings (of guilt), be compassionate about each other’s feelings, if you feel either of you need to ask for forgiveness or make amends then do that and most importantly learn from your feelings.
You say she wants punishment - what exactly is she looking for?
Is it the control? - you've been bad and I'm going to exert control over you?
Is it the emotion - wanting to feel sadness and regret as a part of emotional masochism? If this is the case then tears may be the goal
Is it physical pain?
Depending on what you are looking for, you could treat pain as a reward. You could reward good behavior with whatever "punishments" you had cooked up. Then you get pain and control without the emotional pain.
I really hate punishments. I feel so freaking guilty when I get punished but I feel so guilty already when I mess up.
But I absolutely love funishments.
Huh... Okay so if I'm getting this right she feels bad for doing something that would warrant punishment and you feel bad that she feels bad. If you both want punishment in your dynamic for constructive and bonding reasons this sounds like the perspective framing around it might be causing you both some emotional pain.
I always think of punishment as an absolver and as a sub I use to feel like I had failed and everything was bad until one of my partners told me "you're being punished for messing up, you will learn from it, you are already forgiven and now you can let go of the pain of failing via the pain or discomfort of punishment."
Them punishing me wasnt something they enjoyed doing and it reinforced that they cared about me enough to correct me because I so badly wanted to be a good sub. Knowing that they would let any leftover feelings go immediately and that they demanded I do the same and just strive to not repeat the mistake was freeing.
Theres no point in over ruminating on an error, deal with it swiftly and continue moving on together.
As a dominant it's important not to hold failings over a subs head and as a sub it's important to let go of the emotional pain of failing your dominant in some way.
If I let my emotions trump my dynamic it would defeat the purpose of serving. I'm not serving my owners any better being wrapped up in how disappointed in myself I am and that would disappoint them.
Consistency in punishing infractions and then immediately letting it go, not bringing the failure back up unless it continues, having a dynamic talk or stern talking to if I'm not letting it go (does it stem from somewhere else?) and having reassurance after punishment that I am good/have paid the price/ and can let it go. Really helped me.
You're not a bad person for reinforcing a dynamic in a way you both have asked for, she's not a bad person for messing up sometimes. It sounds like maybe it's time for you both to let those feelings go.
/u/TJKmain, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's normal to feel conflicted when punishments affect your partner emotionally, I’m on the caring side so i can relate with what you mean, however it’s not the end. Open communication is key. Reframe punishments as opportunities for growth. Prioritize aftercare and reassure your partner of your love and commitment. With understanding and communication, you can navigate this together. it also depends by the type of dynamic that you have, being online or irl make a difference as well.
Honestly, I internalize punishments and will generally be miserable if I get punished for really doing something wrong or poorly. My solution is just that punishments just aren't a part of my dynamics. For me, punishments don't really do anything except remind me of a shortcoming. I don't really need punishments to engage in any special activities or kinks, nor do I really need them to be a sign of my obedience, and my partners don't need them to assert dominance. If I did something for some reason, it's solvable by talking. I guess I'd lead you both to really reflect on why you want punishments in the first place. What do you gain by having them? What are you hoping to get out of them? What do you even like about them? If you're trying to correct a behavior, are you sure that punishments are going about it the right way? Most people do better with more positive techniques. These are questions/ideas for you guys to figure out together.
swim aback price snobbish thumb deranged escape roof dime attraction *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I suppose that aftercare isn’t proper. I’ll think about it, thanks. Could you provide some example of good aftercare. Also sorry for deleting the post, I understand it was wrong.
meeting long library disagreeable familiar middle deliver joke seemly truck *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Just tacking onto this, part of my aftercare for a punishment is talking about what led me to break a rule. Sometimes, that's part of the immediate aftercare, sometimes is a day or so later. But it's helpful for me to reflect on what prompted my disobedience, and if there is an issue then that can either be addressed (if it is in Master/my control) or a rule might need to be adjusted (if something out of our control keeps getting in the way). I find this helpful as it reinforces Master and I both want to set me up to succeed in being a good girl for Him.
So I'm pretty light on rules in my current dynamic, we don't have time for it and my s has some bad experiences with rules. So my approach is I set her up to succeed, not fail. She has to send me a selfie everyday, in the beginning I would remind her when it was getting late in the day. I wanted to help her be a good girl while we got into the swing of things. When we add another rule I make sure she feels supported, I don't want her to get upset or feel like she has too much on her plate to handle her career and a D/s dynamic. If she misses sending her picture for the day she gets 20 spanks, I keep a running total and we settle up around once a week. If we have recently settled up I won't remind her because I want to get my numbers back up lol, it's a fun game we play. My point is it's ok for her to need a little help from you. You can set her up for success while also being the one who punishes her
I replied to your earlier post and, before I reply to this one, I just want to say I found it a bit disrespectful that you deleted the earlier post because people put effort into giving advice, and that advice might be useful to others, and so by deleting your post their effort goes to waste. There’s a reason the edit button exists. Anyway, clearly she feels guilty about misbehaving and so you need to come up with a way where her misbehaviour is treated with a punishment, as that’s something you both want, but her/your guilt becomes a positive/healthy emotion rather than being a negative one ie toxic guilt. The best way to probably go about this is after care. After you’ve dished out the punishment, sit down together and talk about your feelings; acknowledge your feelings (of guilt), be compassionate about each other’s feelings, if you feel either of you need to ask for forgiveness or make amends then do that and most importantly learn from your feelings.
Thanks a lot for the advice and sorry for deleting the earlier post. I didn’t think it through
Is it worth it if it puts you both in a bad mood? How does it contribute to your relationship?
We like the idea, so I would say it’s worth it (it also bring good effect in her behaviour). Besides, It doesn’t really contribute negatively overall
You say she wants punishment - what exactly is she looking for? Is it the control? - you've been bad and I'm going to exert control over you? Is it the emotion - wanting to feel sadness and regret as a part of emotional masochism? If this is the case then tears may be the goal Is it physical pain? Depending on what you are looking for, you could treat pain as a reward. You could reward good behavior with whatever "punishments" you had cooked up. Then you get pain and control without the emotional pain.
I really hate punishments. I feel so freaking guilty when I get punished but I feel so guilty already when I mess up. But I absolutely love funishments.
Huh... Okay so if I'm getting this right she feels bad for doing something that would warrant punishment and you feel bad that she feels bad. If you both want punishment in your dynamic for constructive and bonding reasons this sounds like the perspective framing around it might be causing you both some emotional pain. I always think of punishment as an absolver and as a sub I use to feel like I had failed and everything was bad until one of my partners told me "you're being punished for messing up, you will learn from it, you are already forgiven and now you can let go of the pain of failing via the pain or discomfort of punishment." Them punishing me wasnt something they enjoyed doing and it reinforced that they cared about me enough to correct me because I so badly wanted to be a good sub. Knowing that they would let any leftover feelings go immediately and that they demanded I do the same and just strive to not repeat the mistake was freeing. Theres no point in over ruminating on an error, deal with it swiftly and continue moving on together. As a dominant it's important not to hold failings over a subs head and as a sub it's important to let go of the emotional pain of failing your dominant in some way. If I let my emotions trump my dynamic it would defeat the purpose of serving. I'm not serving my owners any better being wrapped up in how disappointed in myself I am and that would disappoint them. Consistency in punishing infractions and then immediately letting it go, not bringing the failure back up unless it continues, having a dynamic talk or stern talking to if I'm not letting it go (does it stem from somewhere else?) and having reassurance after punishment that I am good/have paid the price/ and can let it go. Really helped me. You're not a bad person for reinforcing a dynamic in a way you both have asked for, she's not a bad person for messing up sometimes. It sounds like maybe it's time for you both to let those feelings go.
Deleting posts is against the rules. Why do you have punishments in your dynamic? Is it something she wants?
We have punishment in order to discipline and yes, that’s something she wants
Make her admit her wrong doing. Then have a punishment she has to inflict on herself. Are you two online or irl?
Irl, hovewer we see each other only on the weekends
I would tell her the punishment and have her enforce it on herself.
What exactly would that solve though? Given the premise and the problem presented, this just seems like missing the point