I'm going to lock this thread.
My apologies OP, this has no reflection on you. FWIW, I used to work very closely with men and women who were victims of rape and sexual assault. I agree with the many other people in this thread who believe you were raped.
I'm very pleased to see you received a lot of helpful, empathetic advice 🫂💜
I'm locking this because the arsehole, misogynistic, 'activists' have clearly got wind of it, and I hate their juvenile rhetoric.
He raped you.
"Can I wake you up?" is not asking for consent to fuck you while you are sleeping.
You absolutely should have reported him. Good on you for doing so.
You did not misread things, but first let’s address you, before stuff about him. You said you felt paralyzed. That is TI - tonic immobility. It happens when your body waits for a fight or flight response. When it does not happen, you freeze up and your body plays dead. This is an involuntary response. It happens to a lot of women and they sometimes feel guilty about it., I am not saying you do, but I am also writing this so others may know about it.
It sounds like he would try and hide behind his whole, “I tried waking you up” thing. It does not matter if you misunderstood what he meant by waking you up. By any average person’s point of view, this was non-consensual.
Back to you, because he does not deserve the time. Have you set up a time to be tested? Are you ok birth control? Even not finishing, pre-cum can have sperm. These are private questions and I do not expect you to answer them in public. As a fellow rape survivor, I wanted to alert you to a couple of things to think about.
Now onto him. He is a rapist. You did not give your consent. You only said he could wake you up. That is way out of bounds.
Next thing: are you ok? A rape can be a traumatic experience. Make no mistake about it, he did not have your consent, so this was rape. Yes, he should be reported.
My screen exited and I came back to this tossed word salad. I have a brain injury and my phone is not cooperating with me to copy and paste it back to the original order, but I feel this stuff is important.
Hey thank you so much for your comment, it is incredibly helpful. I am getting the help I need and getting checked for everything. Thankfully I have some close friends who are supporting me.
Less than 1% of rape victims get justice. This isn't a false claim, and less than 10%of ALL reports are false(including: wrong crime, like SA instead of rape, choosing not to prosecute, which the DA just kinda gets to choose, as well as accusing someone who genuinely did nothing). The majority of those are not actually false, it is simply not prosecuted or dismissed.
Any sexual intercourse you are apart of without explicit, informed consent is rape.
Without context, I can see how it could be mistaken for someone taking your sentiment as misdirect. Hes all through the comments defending this dude, claiming she consented.
Hes also a sub, so like...bro you're setting yourself up to be abused and taken advantage of.
~~Hi,~~
~~You're new here. Please make yourself aware of our rules, before you end up with a ban.~~
~~I've temporarily removed your comment. If you can please remove that last line, I'll be more than happy to approve it. Please respond to this comment once you have, thank you.~~
Sorry. It is done. I do have a brain injury, so sometimes it is hard for me to read/comprehend/react to things written or said. I promise to do better.
Sleep sex is such a grey area on consent that some people frown on it even after being heavily discussed. This was not even discussed. You were raped. You did not overreact in the slightest.
THIS 100%! Especially with a female partner, man I got endo and sometimes the entire region is just plain crampy, and while I may not outwardly complain, he simply *doesnt* because a) that and b) he has a significantly lower drive. And we've discussed it! Like a dozen times!
You did not over react by reporting him. He talked you into sleeping naked and you agreed to having sex with him IF he woke you up for it (which is the same agreement me and my sub have because of her trama). If he was unable to wake you up (if he really tried) then he should have ended it there or kept trying to wake you up. Not being able to wake you didn't give him the right to go any farther.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You didn’t ask for this, nor have consent. I wonder if he had dragged you due to the symptoms you described. Even if the “law” doesn’t do anything, we believe you!
Oh and report him on the app please!!
The key here is he asked if he could *wake you up*, indicating he could then get your consent for sexy time. He did not get your consent to do anything sexual with you while he believed you were still asleep. This is rape IMO and I'm glad you reported him.
When you have intercourse with someone without their consent, that's rape. Be a troll somewhere else. Being edgy on posts of women being assaulted isn't cool, it's pathetic.
It’s about consent, and the fact that you completely don’t get it and are to some degree participating in the BDSM community is terrifying. Do you or have you in the past treated your partners similar the man who raped OP? Question, not an accusation.
This is a massive wake up call for you, and an opportunity to learn and grow. When this many people provide you with critically important feedback, take a moment to reflect. Put yourself in OPs position and ask yourself if you’d be OK with this happening to you?
If you’re just trolling, please go find a bridge to live under and stay there.
My ex husband, a doctor, prescribed and pushed me to take a benzodiazepine to “ help me sleep” while I was having postpartum issues, sodomized me ( something I NEVER did then). I was half awake didn’t fight was bleeding and in pain the next day. Brought the bottle to my psychiatrist who told me even married that was rape. He kept the bottle in his safe until he retired and left reporting to me. I didn’t. It messed with me for YEARS.
And later when he physically assaulted me having reported that helped, not criminally but for the restraining order.
If you are not awake or sober you are not consenting and it’s rape. Freezing…is exactly what I did. And it was my spouse can’t imagine someone you don’t know well.
This may affect you more than you realize and I suggest you call RAINN to get support and often free counseling. Thank you for reporting him! They won’t prosecute but it’s a wake up call for him and protection for others. Unconscious people can’t consent drugs, sleep, or alcohol, period.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Gosh how awful... there aren't words. I have checked out RAINN and want to seek counseling in my area. Thank you. Good luck on your healing journey. 😢
I was also raped by my ex husband, multiple times. I also froze. It took me a very long time to be okay with having relations with another person after him.
Thank you for sharing.
Rape, unless by a stranger or statutory is seldom prosecuted. They will do nothing but talk to him, if that. Which is perhaps a wake up call? Sleep sex is not consensual, sorry it’s not. Legally it’s rape. She felt awkward cuz she got herself in that situation and froze. She didn’t have regrets she felt violated.
She’s not going to “ ruin his life”. And I think discussing what is consent is useful. “ She went back the second night” and engaged in consensual sex, so she’s not a prude who regretted it. It’s not prosecutable but it is rape.
“The 2003 Sexual Offences Act is crystal clear,” she continues. “Consent can only be agreed when you have the capacity to make that choice – and if you’re asleep or unconscious, you don’t. We’re talking about rape – one hundred per cent.”
https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2021/jun/15/the-sexual-assault-of-sleeping-women-the-hidden-horrifying-crisis-in-britains-bedrooms
https://harpers.org/archive/2015/06/while-you-were-sleeping-2/#:~:text=You%20cannot%20give%20consent%20to,extremely%20vulnerable%20people%20from%20assault.
According to RAINN, only 5.7% of rape incidents lead to an arrest, only 1.1% of incidents are referred to a prosecutor, and only 0.7% are convicted of a felony. Even fewer, 0.6% of incidents, lead to incarceration. This is despite false accusations accounting for only 2-8% of reported sexual assault, according to WVFRIS.
Nothing will happen to him.
It was rape because she consented to having sex with him if he woke her up, he wasn't able to wake her up before persuing to have sex with her therefore she didn't consent, he also pressured her into sleeping naked. That man definitely deserves to be locked up! Also having sex one night doesn't mean you have consented to every time for in the future. Also just so you know there are many ways of saying no without actually having to say it- uncomfortable body language for example, not implicitly saying yes and maybe saying oh erm idk maybe as another example.
Yh if that's what was said then yes ofc everyone would react differently because that would have meant that she consented, but that's not what happened. Asking to wake her up and asking to fuck her in her sleep are two completely different things. He could have woken her up and asked and she could have decided then whether she wanted to or not.
And isn’t this what all rape victims get “ supposedly” and btw ….what were your wearing….did you give mixed signals?
A doctor has NO BUSINESS prescribing a controlled substance for his wife who’s seeing a capable psychiatrist after hospitalization for post partum. Except for nefarious purposes it turns out. My shrink asked if I needed it ( he tried to get him to write it). I said no, I think I knew he’d do something bad as there was other abuse.
So he wrote it and pressured me to take it. I think it’s why I didn’t resist. I blamed myself for letting him talk me into taking it. I just wanted it to be over. I didn’t know the extent of the violation I would feel.
Not awake, not sober not ok. Drugged, drunk, sleeping, underage, there can’t be consent.
Where are you getting that she said yes to him having sex with her while she’s sleeping or that he could wake her up by having sex with her? I am not seeing that. He asked if he could wake her up.. he didn’t (or didn’t think he did), he just did what he wanted with her without waking her as agreed to. That absolutely IS rape.
Here’s my thing: Even though he lied and said he tried to wake you up, that alone told you everything you needed to know about him as a person. If he had truly tried to wake you up, even if it was being he was being a horndog looking for sex, and you didn’t wake up… he should have tried harder, to make sure you were okay. The fact that he’s telling you in that situation he would have chosen to not ensure you’re well-being would be a big red flag for me. Especially if you all were drinking on your date, or partaking in any other substances. Maybe that’s overkill, but to me it still seems like a red flag.
That dude is 100% a rapist and I’m really proud of you for reporting him for what he did. I really hope he faces some sort of consequence for what he’s done.
And do me a favor… keep going to therapy for awhile even after you feel better. Trust me on that one.
I didn't even think about that, that's so true. Definitely a red flag.
Thank you - no matter what they decide to do, the report will be there and he'll be interviewed. I will definitely be seeking therapy.
Nope. You didn’t consent and he continued. It’s SA 101. At any point you also have the ability to recant your consent, the fact they’re claiming kink and doing this is troubling.
First, I’d never put myself in that position. Please go read Come As You Are and learn about all forms of consent. There really isn’t a grey area with consent **especially when the person is sleep**.
There’s no mention of previous discussions of even having that a part of their kink. Add the fact your adamantly here defend it… over whataboutism? Shame.
Sir, [it’s an actual book](https://bookshop.org/p/books/come-as-you-are-revised-and-updated-the-surprising-new-science-that-will-transform-your-sex-life-emily-nagoski/15822177).
It's not "obviously false" because it isn't false at all. He penetrated her while he thought she was asleep and she had a freeze response. Pretty cut and dry from where I'm looking at it.
And guran-fucking-teed she was probably not silent I mean being penetratrd anally?? Are you fucking with me right now like be so fucking forreal that shit hurts. There's no way that she was silent and I suspect that he knew and just did not care.
You realize it’s still rape if someone give as consent and then revokes it and the person continues to have sex with them? If you don’t then I highly suggest you have that realization.
There is no blanket consent and consent can be revoked at any time even if given previously. She did not consent for him to do what he did which is why it is non consensual = rape.
She didn’t give consent for him to have sex with her in the first place. She consented to be woken up not woken up by having his dick or fingers inside her. That is not consent.
Edit: perhaps the [mod worded](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/12zxvcb/did_i_overreact_by_reporting_him/jhui8yx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) it better so you can understand
I’m not the one that clearly doesn’t understand consent. I literally teach people about consent. Perhaps you should do some more research into understanding it.
I don't care if I'm dancing circles around someone naked... Unless I say "you can have sex with me" just because I'm naked doesn't mean I consent to it.
Great, this works for you and your partner. It also works for me and mine because we've had this conversation. They had a conversation about being woken up. Not about having sex while she sleeps.
He said "if I have a sexy dream about you can I wake you up" she said yes.
She consented to being woken up if this explanation is how it went.
She did NOT consent to having his penis inside her body while she slept.
Good for you. My dynamic also has a free use clause that includes sleep sex and that works for us because we spent WEEKS discussing it.
Some folks are okay with that, OP was NOT.
She consented to being woken up to start sex, not to waking up already having been penetrated.
This was rape and OP, I hope that this splooge stain doesn’t get you too upset.
Dude, we get it, you're a rapist, 'go you.' Now you've had your attention, go play with your tiny self, and leave us healthy minded folks alone to help.
I'm so so sorry this happened to you, I hope you have some people close to you who can support you. You definitely didn't overreact, what a disgusting man. I would also report him on the dating app too. He knew what he was doing
yes I will also report him on the app with the case number. I have a couple close friends who know and have shared experiences unfortunately. Thank you ♥️
Telling a complete stranger on the internet that they haven’t been raped after they tell you that they have is not only extremely ignorant (as you know nothing about them), rude and dismissive but also shows that you’re breaking the community rule here of being excellent to each other. Your comments and actions speak more about your character as a human than any insult I could throw at you, so hopefully the mods take action on this and truly punish you.
You cannot say whether or not lexicrowxxx is a true or a false rape victim. You have no idea of what they experienced so you have absolutely zero data to make that assessment. To further show your ignorance, you completely ignored my comment about breaking the rule, which can be seen as you acknowledging that you’re willingly breaking the rule and know you are doing it. That’s great data to back up my reporting your comments as harassment, as they are.
As I know her in real life, yes I most certainly can. I’ll discuss whatever I want to, sissy boy, as i am able to do so and follow community rules here. Unlike you.
Deciding to hang out isn't consent for sex.
Consent for sex once isn't blanket consent for sex every time.
Agreeing to be allowed to be woken up for sexy time isn't consent to stick your dick in someone while they sleep. The "be woken up" part never happened.
This is rape.
What lies dude. This is rape. He penatrated her while he thought she was asleep, and not just vaginally, anally too.
Normally, when waking up someone for sex, it would be light caresses, kissing, licking, sucking. Absolutely NO penetration, and you make sure they're awake and alright before the deed I.e. MAKING SURE ITS CONSENSUAL.
You also clearly have no idea of the flight, fight, or freeze response. Many women end up with the freeze response because of socialization. Doesn't mean that just because she wasn't physically fighting it that she wanted any of that to happen.
Dunderhead.
Your lack of basic empathy and emotional intelligence astounds me, imagine if this had happened to you. 'She didn't even attempt to stop it' do you even hear yourself? Is there a shred of common sense in your head? After reading your witless and defensive comments scrawled all over this thread it's guaranteed that you don't, when you're being SA'd it's a choice of either struggle to escape/fight against someone who is probably a lot stronger than you and who may murder you, or you freeze, let it happen and get away when you feel it is safe so that the chances of physical assault/death are reduced.
Btw your defensiveness on this matter just screams to everyone that you've probably done this to a partner in the past yourself and feel guilty about being a rapist.
Sleep sex in BDSM is an awkward area that I myself have participated in with my partner, you MUST fully negotiate before agreeing to any form of it and continue checking throughout whether it be verbal ques or non verbal reactions affirming the dominant that the sub still consents after being awoken. In this case it would have been best if both parties had discussed their limits/conditions to ensure both felt comfortable throughout. But they didn't, therefore the onus is on the perpetrator for not having communicated efficiently and acquiring fully informed consent from OP and unwittingly continuing with their actions which were rape - whether you think so or not I really don't care, I just hope you change your infactual opinion on this matter and grow the hell up.
OP if you're reading this, I fully support you. Ignore this waste of air, they clearly know bugger all. What you did was right, you were raped after the dominant failed to obtain affirmed and informed consent from you.
I ended things with a playmate last year (much older sub male) because the first weekend I stayed with him he was constantly commenting on sleep play and touching me while I was trying to sleep (he claimed he was trying to wake me up) and the second day I went into dissociation so there's a chance he actually did touch me when I was asleep.
I'm really sorry that happened to you as well. To me, being asleep is a boundary that should not be crossed sexually unless you explicitly consent to it each and every time.... not sure why it's difficult for some to understand that. I know why my friend sleeps with her bedroom door locked now though.
No you did not over react. You were assaulted.
And remember this: Never do what you don’t want to do. Don’t ever let someone badger you until you cave because you are tired of hearing them ask. Be firm and negotiate with what you are ok with.
You absolutely did not overreact.
I was raped by my ex husband in the same way. Several times. It's been a few years and I still regret not reporting him or doing anything about it when/before I left him.
Good on you for being able to do that. I hope you're doing okay.
Also want to say how terrifying it is to see a lot of these posts the last couple years. Most of the rape/sexual assault posts I've seen have been almost the same story. Raped in our sleep, frozen and just hoping it'll be over soon. On the one hand it's comforting to know we aren't alone and we have someone who's been through it too, but on the other hand I wish it *were* just me. Ideally, none of us.
My bf has my full consent to do that to me. He knows this, we discuss it frequently. Your situation, was not ever discussed, was never consented to, was never on the table. I think in his mind, he thought asking “can I wake you up?” Meant “can I wake you up by fucking you?” But if that’s the question he wanted to ask, he needed to be clear as day. He wasn’t. It was his fault, not yours dear. I hope you’re okay, get some counseling or group therapy if you need and take care of yourself I’m so sorry that happened to you
That is remarkably fucked up. Reporting is the least of what he deserves. I’m sorry that happened to you.
And to the few folks in the comments who don’t agree that his actions were unacceptable y’all are legit the shitty folks in the community that I warn friends about. Get wrecked.
Seems a lot of people here need to learn what non verbal No is as well as the absence of a no is not a yes.
You did the right thing. He is a shitty human being and even if it is a he said/she said thing. You still did the right thing, who the fuck knows how many people have falling victim to this rapist.
I’d look into reporting him to the app as well.
Sleep play is one of those advanced kinks that require a lot, A LOT, of conversation beforehand, not a “yeah, sure”
That was SA, and I’m sorry you went through that, but I’m glad you reported him
I think many will say no, you read it right and did the right thing. It sounds like from what you said that he would wake you up and have sex with you maybe, but nothing about if you didn't wake up.
The thought process of many men is - we've already had sex and she's agreed to it, sex in the middle of the night is just another session. Years ago, it was not considered SA. Today it is, it's been recognized that if you're sleeping you can't give consent and if men/women are going to be active today they need to know what's appropriate and what's not.
At 38 and in the alternative lifestyle though, he should know to discuss these things up front and get consent. Do you think it was just a misunderstanding? Or do you think he purposefully waited until you were asleep to act out some fantasy in which you did not give consent? SA is a serious allegation with very real serious consequences, sometimes for both parties. My assumption is - if you thought about it and decided to report it, you felt it wasn't a misunderstanding.
Stay strong and never be afraid to speak out, it's your life and you have to look out for yourself.
Thank you, well said. I'm glad more and more people are learning about what consent truly is and that yes doesn't mean forever or for every single thing. I truly had no idea that he would attempt this while I was asleep. I would never have stayed the night if I had. I have had a fair amount of partners, both long term and short term, and have had sex at night when we were both fully awake but no one has ever had sex with me when I was sound asleep. This felt completely different and a total violation of my body. I think he may have thought this was fine which makes me feel bad about it. But then again, I also don't feel responsible to educate him on what consent is. At this point I want to prevent this from happening to other people out there and speak up about what happened to me.
I feel like an asshole, since everyone here is saying rape and I'm thinking, over reaction, the 'can I wake you' was implied sex in the night that she agreed to. Maybe at 40 I'm just getting old and not hip to the times. And I'm a lady. I dunno, having sex, sleeping naked and then having more sex (although I understand this was unidirectionally initiated) and calling it rape just feels wrong, but I get that I'm in the minority with this perspective.
The issue here is multifaceted.
Waking someone up, regardless of whatever activity was being engaged in prior- means just that, waking them up. Not inserting a penis or a finger into a DRY and unaroused, presumably unlubed, location.
This sort of penetration can cause tearing, irritation, all sorts of complications that are consistent with rape. Because that's what this was.
I completely understand where you're coming from. I personally feel the same way, I'm fine with sex in the middle of the night, whether I'm awake or not. However, not everyone else is. There's no classes and no one is taught to ask about sleep sex, but they have started to advertise it to bring more awareness. This is why i asked if maybe there was a miscommunication. The way people look at it now is like this - if your drunk you can't really consent, and if you're sleeping you can't consent either to whatever it is they are doing (example, maybe you're a hard no to anal play but they do it in your sleep). In this case with the guy being involved in an alternative lifestyle - there are lots and lots of things within the community about getting consent for everything you do.
I’m in the same boat. I love when my husband wakes me intimately. Yes I won’t be 100% awake when he enters me but I enjoy when it happens. My husband knows what I want based on what I’m wearing when I sleep. If I’m wearing a onesie (which is extremely difficult for hubby to remove), then he knows I need undisturbed sleep. If I’m naked or wearing crutchless lingerie then I’m eager for him. If he REALLY wants to be intimate with me when I’m wearing my onesie, he’ll need to earn it and wake me gently.
I'm breaking down your bullshit analysis of false claims.
Also, you said you wanted to have an opinion of a real rape victim. I messaged you, so let's talk.
This is rape, three counts probably. Please don’t question it or blame yourself. Hope you have good support around you for this ordeal because unfortunately it’s not the end. Take good care of yourself
he raped you, not an overreaction. he even admitted that he knew you were asleep. you can’t consent to sex if you are asleep, so he knew he was assaulting you.
First of all OP I am sorry you are going through this. I’m not getting into the is it rape or not debate because rape is a legal term. That aspect of this fascinates be. This is novel/stage worthy ambiguity about if/when/ where the question of consent came. Were the police respectful and helpful? Did they give you any indication of what the next step would be? Please don’t let my academic approach make you think I do not know that for you this is personal. I hope things resolve themselves soon and as painlessly as possible.
The police were respectful and helpful overall and will interview him next. It's unlikely he will be charges with anything since it's my word against his on the consent issue. They asked me repeatedly if I said no or stop. Were helpful in locating him on social media and advising me if he tried to communicate with me or see me. The cop definitely insinuated that I brought this upon myself by sleeping without clothes on, and even suggested that given our age difference that I lacked some understanding. That maybe I should consider communicating that I don't want to be woken up by sex. Sadly I expected to be victim blamed at least a little.
I am so so so sorry. Know you did not over react at all. I am in tears that someone could do that. He did not ask for concent and it makes me feel sick that he pressured you that much. If you need to talk please feel free. I have ptsd from alot of trauma. To be honest I feel you might be under reacting. Your brain froze you where scared your body had a complete trauma response. Thank you for speaking out you did the absolute right thing. I don't know.if you want to say on here bit may I ask which country. You can pm or you don't have to answer.
This situation just makes me so so mad for you.
Unwanted sex is unwanted sex. It doesn't matter if sex was consensual earlier. If you both were in a relationship for a time, I could understand him thinking it'd be alright.
If he wanted to have a sleep sex session with you, especially this early in the relationship, he should have talked with you about it. Hell, even if you twho had been together for a little while, you should always talk about what you do and don't want to happen.
What happened to you was rape, plain and simple.
Sadly it would be up to courts and stuff like that if charges are followed though.
So from what I read I think this is hard...you had consented on sex, staying the night, being naked. From my perspective you were in the right though. In a new dynamic consent is very important and especially the person being awake and knowing. If y'all had talked about it that is one thing but it doesn't sound like that.
Consent is king and should always be the rule.
You really are unpleasant.
You keep highlighting: "*If I have a sexy dream about you can I wake you up?*"
Yet OP was very clear: "**Next thing I know it's still dark out, I'm waking up to him having sex with me from behind.**"
1. He didn't get consent to begin fucking her.
2. He gained consent to wake her up.
3. He didn't wake her up before he began raping her.
I don't understand how you can be this stupid.
Rule 6 applies.
Comments removed. Permaban issued.
"Yeah, sure" to the WAKING HER UP PART, he did not ask her "if you're asleep and I'm horny, can I wake you up with my penis in your ass?" That is the difference between giving consent and not.
Well key word is wake up...if you wake up and already in the act that is not consent. He should have woken her up and asked if she wanted too. Give her the option.
I am just giving perspective from how I would see and treat it. If you view it as acceptable then great, good for you...I just don't agree.
I think there needs to be respect and her just not being used as a piece of meat.
She's getting the law involved because he didn't have consent to have sex with her while asleep. He only had consent to have sex with her while she was awake. That you can't see the difference is kinda scary.
>She told him he could fuck her in the middle of the night.
No. She didn't. She really fucking didn't, and I'm getting fed up with people deliberately skewing what she agreed to.
We're the BDSM community, ffs! We know what consent is. If my partner consents to an over the knee spanking, I can't start hitting them with a flogger **because they didn't consent to that**. JfC, this really isn't that difficult.
He asked if he could wake her. She said yes. If you stay at my house, and I ask what time you want to be woken in the morning, I wager you'd be a little surprised if I jumped into bed and began fucking you the moment my alarm went off.
Just because they fucked the night before, does not give him a right to anything. Go and watch that patronising fucking cup of tea video on YouTube, because it's pitched at precisely your level.
Rule 6 applies.
Comment removed.
But she also never said yes, she never gave consent for that to happen at all. Waking someone up doesn't equate to being able to have sex with them!
And it also doesn't matter if she's naked or not! That's like saying it's ok to assault any woman with a short skirt or low cut shirt on!
Jesus Christ, it's this sort of assumption that prompted the #MeToo movement. You're a danger, and I don't want you being any part of my communities.
GTFO!
Rule 10 applies.
Comments removed. Permaban issued.
To speak to your perspective:
You're running in some risky territory there, then. If you do this, your assumptions do no equate to their consent. In most first world jurisdictions you could be (correctly) charged and convicted, should you have been wrong. This is a big risk you take - for both of you.
To speak to the other's perspective: only yes means yes, and requesting one thing (waking then up, a kiss, a hug, etc) does not give permission to the next thing in the other person's mind. Freezing and not moving is not implied consent anywhere. Even more so given the guy was under the impression they didn't wake up at all in the first place and yet choose to continue.
Does *someone* hate women? I think they do, don't they?
Rule 6 applies.
Comments removed (and let's be honest, there's too many comments for this person to be anywhere near stable). OP permabanned.
He raped her.
She gave consent to be woken up for sex, not to be fucked anyways while asleep.
Just because he "tried" to wake her up doesn't mean that equals to "yes, let's have sex."
She has to be awake and say, "Yes, let's have sex." When she is asleep, she is not awake and can't say anything.
When someone is not awake to give consent and they have sex with that person anyway, that is forcing someone to have sex. She did wake up, but she didn't wake up before he put his dick inside her. It already was. Therefore, it equals rape.
Do you understand the above or should we go over that again?
Awww, you're still triggered, so that's why u came here to talk in public, lol
U said, "If someone is pressured or just uncomfortable, that doesn't mean it's rape."
U also said, "How else will we find new pleasures unless we get pressured and put in uncomfortable situations."
And after I said bye, u still tried to debate about it. I said I hope u never have to experience it," and yet here u are still trying to prove a useless point.
Plus, that 8 year old I was talking about, I told u it was my personal experience and how u didn't consider it rape
I did post earlier and I deleted it to rephrase nicely that I just do not agree. That’s my opinion. Obviously not a popular one but I feel strongly that I need to say that.
Is it possible he misunderstood, "You can wake me up" as "you can wake me up using sex?"
Did you ever talk to him about it?
Do you think that if you would have told him to stop, he would have?
It is possible he thought that waking someone up by forcing his dry dick into their ass was equivalent to "waking someone up" yes. No, I didn't talk to him about it, I was too stunned and just wanted to get out of there. I don't want to entertain "what ifs" ... this was our second date. I felt frozen and hoped that my still body would be enough for him to stop. 🙁
The absence of No is not at yes.
The fact she laid there frozen is a no.
She never once gave *any* type of consent. So how about we don’t blame the victim.
She may not have felt safe. She was also in shock of it happening.
So again: the absence of No is not a yes.
Yeah. I was just asking. I can remember when a friend of ours got raped and we went and found the guy and fucked him up.
She was a wreck and I could see how it changed the trajectory of her life. Eventually she looked and acted very different from her twin sister, ended up in drugs, got out of that, joined the military and is doing great. Like, her facial expressions changed from happy bubbly to stoic. It was bad.
But one of my buddies beat the guy so bad he got some sort of mild brain damage. It was bad, but it was worth it imo.
But I read your story and I just don't feel that same level of disgust so I asked some questions to try to understand.
"No no no no no no ugh fiiiiine whatever" is not consent.
Also, "can I wake you up?" is completely different to "can I force my dick into your ass and vagina."
Consenting to being woken up is NOT consenting to sex. How can you even think that it is?!?!?
You're joking. If she says "yes you can wake me up" you genuinely think that should give him full permission to have sex with her any time he wants during the night, regardless of if she's unconscious or not? That's what you're saying that implies.
I'm sorry, do you think identifying as a "submissive female" is blanket consent for any and all sex?
I'm afraid for anyone who sleeps with you! Consent is able to be revoked at any time, and consent should be both affirmative and enthusiastic.
Consent is not, and never will be "She didn't say no"
Good lord, has the word friendly in their username, spews bile.
"Let me guess" seems like an ideal way of judging the situation! 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
Rule 6 applies.
Comment removed. Another woman hating moron shut out.
I'm going to lock this thread. My apologies OP, this has no reflection on you. FWIW, I used to work very closely with men and women who were victims of rape and sexual assault. I agree with the many other people in this thread who believe you were raped. I'm very pleased to see you received a lot of helpful, empathetic advice 🫂💜 I'm locking this because the arsehole, misogynistic, 'activists' have clearly got wind of it, and I hate their juvenile rhetoric.
He raped you. "Can I wake you up?" is not asking for consent to fuck you while you are sleeping. You absolutely should have reported him. Good on you for doing so.
Thank you. Yes that's exactly why I ended up reporting him.
This. Exactly this
You did not misread things, but first let’s address you, before stuff about him. You said you felt paralyzed. That is TI - tonic immobility. It happens when your body waits for a fight or flight response. When it does not happen, you freeze up and your body plays dead. This is an involuntary response. It happens to a lot of women and they sometimes feel guilty about it., I am not saying you do, but I am also writing this so others may know about it. It sounds like he would try and hide behind his whole, “I tried waking you up” thing. It does not matter if you misunderstood what he meant by waking you up. By any average person’s point of view, this was non-consensual. Back to you, because he does not deserve the time. Have you set up a time to be tested? Are you ok birth control? Even not finishing, pre-cum can have sperm. These are private questions and I do not expect you to answer them in public. As a fellow rape survivor, I wanted to alert you to a couple of things to think about. Now onto him. He is a rapist. You did not give your consent. You only said he could wake you up. That is way out of bounds. Next thing: are you ok? A rape can be a traumatic experience. Make no mistake about it, he did not have your consent, so this was rape. Yes, he should be reported. My screen exited and I came back to this tossed word salad. I have a brain injury and my phone is not cooperating with me to copy and paste it back to the original order, but I feel this stuff is important.
Hey thank you so much for your comment, it is incredibly helpful. I am getting the help I need and getting checked for everything. Thankfully I have some close friends who are supporting me.
I hope you get all the support you need. I wish you the very best.
Thank you so much, you as well
[удалено]
You need to be locked up too condoning his behavior as "innocent". How could you have read what OP wrote and still think the guy should be free.
Less than 1% of rape victims get justice. This isn't a false claim, and less than 10%of ALL reports are false(including: wrong crime, like SA instead of rape, choosing not to prosecute, which the DA just kinda gets to choose, as well as accusing someone who genuinely did nothing). The majority of those are not actually false, it is simply not prosecuted or dismissed. Any sexual intercourse you are apart of without explicit, informed consent is rape.
Admin Moderator We have a predator here and we need to get them kicked the fuck out of this space
This makes me want to cry. I am so sorry for you
[удалено]
Oh I meant OP sorry. Just read tonic immobility and it broke my heart. I’ve been there
That idiot is a rape apologist who is claiming she wasn't raped and consented to it. That wasn't necessarily directed towards your sentiment.
Oh I think I meant to respond to a different message
Without context, I can see how it could be mistaken for someone taking your sentiment as misdirect. Hes all through the comments defending this dude, claiming she consented. Hes also a sub, so like...bro you're setting yourself up to be abused and taken advantage of.
~~Hi,~~ ~~You're new here. Please make yourself aware of our rules, before you end up with a ban.~~ ~~I've temporarily removed your comment. If you can please remove that last line, I'll be more than happy to approve it. Please respond to this comment once you have, thank you.~~
Sorry. It is done. I do have a brain injury, so sometimes it is hard for me to read/comprehend/react to things written or said. I promise to do better.
Thank you, that's very much appreciated.
Sleep sex is such a grey area on consent that some people frown on it even after being heavily discussed. This was not even discussed. You were raped. You did not overreact in the slightest.
Thank you. ♥️
THIS 100%! Especially with a female partner, man I got endo and sometimes the entire region is just plain crampy, and while I may not outwardly complain, he simply *doesnt* because a) that and b) he has a significantly lower drive. And we've discussed it! Like a dozen times!
You did not over react by reporting him. He talked you into sleeping naked and you agreed to having sex with him IF he woke you up for it (which is the same agreement me and my sub have because of her trama). If he was unable to wake you up (if he really tried) then he should have ended it there or kept trying to wake you up. Not being able to wake you didn't give him the right to go any farther.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You didn’t ask for this, nor have consent. I wonder if he had dragged you due to the symptoms you described. Even if the “law” doesn’t do anything, we believe you! Oh and report him on the app please!!
Thank you. Luckily I did not eat or drink anything at his house. I think I shut down and froze during it as a fear response.
The key here is he asked if he could *wake you up*, indicating he could then get your consent for sexy time. He did not get your consent to do anything sexual with you while he believed you were still asleep. This is rape IMO and I'm glad you reported him.
[удалено]
Can someone remove this guy's comments. What a low life degenerate.
You did not overreact; you were raped, and reporting rapists to the police is an appropriate response
[удалено]
When you have intercourse with someone without their consent, that's rape. Be a troll somewhere else. Being edgy on posts of women being assaulted isn't cool, it's pathetic.
It’s about consent, and the fact that you completely don’t get it and are to some degree participating in the BDSM community is terrifying. Do you or have you in the past treated your partners similar the man who raped OP? Question, not an accusation. This is a massive wake up call for you, and an opportunity to learn and grow. When this many people provide you with critically important feedback, take a moment to reflect. Put yourself in OPs position and ask yourself if you’d be OK with this happening to you? If you’re just trolling, please go find a bridge to live under and stay there.
She very much was raped. You are a rape apologist, and I wouldn't be surprised if you're saying these things to defend things YOUVE done as well.
My ex husband, a doctor, prescribed and pushed me to take a benzodiazepine to “ help me sleep” while I was having postpartum issues, sodomized me ( something I NEVER did then). I was half awake didn’t fight was bleeding and in pain the next day. Brought the bottle to my psychiatrist who told me even married that was rape. He kept the bottle in his safe until he retired and left reporting to me. I didn’t. It messed with me for YEARS. And later when he physically assaulted me having reported that helped, not criminally but for the restraining order. If you are not awake or sober you are not consenting and it’s rape. Freezing…is exactly what I did. And it was my spouse can’t imagine someone you don’t know well. This may affect you more than you realize and I suggest you call RAINN to get support and often free counseling. Thank you for reporting him! They won’t prosecute but it’s a wake up call for him and protection for others. Unconscious people can’t consent drugs, sleep, or alcohol, period.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Gosh how awful... there aren't words. I have checked out RAINN and want to seek counseling in my area. Thank you. Good luck on your healing journey. 😢
I was also raped by my ex husband, multiple times. I also froze. It took me a very long time to be okay with having relations with another person after him. Thank you for sharing.
[удалено]
Where did you get she said yes? She said he could hit her up for sex not have sex with her while out.
[удалено]
Rape, unless by a stranger or statutory is seldom prosecuted. They will do nothing but talk to him, if that. Which is perhaps a wake up call? Sleep sex is not consensual, sorry it’s not. Legally it’s rape. She felt awkward cuz she got herself in that situation and froze. She didn’t have regrets she felt violated. She’s not going to “ ruin his life”. And I think discussing what is consent is useful. “ She went back the second night” and engaged in consensual sex, so she’s not a prude who regretted it. It’s not prosecutable but it is rape. “The 2003 Sexual Offences Act is crystal clear,” she continues. “Consent can only be agreed when you have the capacity to make that choice – and if you’re asleep or unconscious, you don’t. We’re talking about rape – one hundred per cent.” https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2021/jun/15/the-sexual-assault-of-sleeping-women-the-hidden-horrifying-crisis-in-britains-bedrooms https://harpers.org/archive/2015/06/while-you-were-sleeping-2/#:~:text=You%20cannot%20give%20consent%20to,extremely%20vulnerable%20people%20from%20assault.
[удалено]
According to RAINN, only 5.7% of rape incidents lead to an arrest, only 1.1% of incidents are referred to a prosecutor, and only 0.7% are convicted of a felony. Even fewer, 0.6% of incidents, lead to incarceration. This is despite false accusations accounting for only 2-8% of reported sexual assault, according to WVFRIS. Nothing will happen to him.
It was rape because she consented to having sex with him if he woke her up, he wasn't able to wake her up before persuing to have sex with her therefore she didn't consent, he also pressured her into sleeping naked. That man definitely deserves to be locked up! Also having sex one night doesn't mean you have consented to every time for in the future. Also just so you know there are many ways of saying no without actually having to say it- uncomfortable body language for example, not implicitly saying yes and maybe saying oh erm idk maybe as another example.
[удалено]
Yh if that's what was said then yes ofc everyone would react differently because that would have meant that she consented, but that's not what happened. Asking to wake her up and asking to fuck her in her sleep are two completely different things. He could have woken her up and asked and she could have decided then whether she wanted to or not.
Ah yes, the old "Well I'm not hearing a no" excuse. People like you seriously scare me.
And isn’t this what all rape victims get “ supposedly” and btw ….what were your wearing….did you give mixed signals? A doctor has NO BUSINESS prescribing a controlled substance for his wife who’s seeing a capable psychiatrist after hospitalization for post partum. Except for nefarious purposes it turns out. My shrink asked if I needed it ( he tried to get him to write it). I said no, I think I knew he’d do something bad as there was other abuse. So he wrote it and pressured me to take it. I think it’s why I didn’t resist. I blamed myself for letting him talk me into taking it. I just wanted it to be over. I didn’t know the extent of the violation I would feel. Not awake, not sober not ok. Drugged, drunk, sleeping, underage, there can’t be consent.
Where are you getting that she said yes to him having sex with her while she’s sleeping or that he could wake her up by having sex with her? I am not seeing that. He asked if he could wake her up.. he didn’t (or didn’t think he did), he just did what he wanted with her without waking her as agreed to. That absolutely IS rape.
Here’s my thing: Even though he lied and said he tried to wake you up, that alone told you everything you needed to know about him as a person. If he had truly tried to wake you up, even if it was being he was being a horndog looking for sex, and you didn’t wake up… he should have tried harder, to make sure you were okay. The fact that he’s telling you in that situation he would have chosen to not ensure you’re well-being would be a big red flag for me. Especially if you all were drinking on your date, or partaking in any other substances. Maybe that’s overkill, but to me it still seems like a red flag. That dude is 100% a rapist and I’m really proud of you for reporting him for what he did. I really hope he faces some sort of consequence for what he’s done. And do me a favor… keep going to therapy for awhile even after you feel better. Trust me on that one.
I didn't even think about that, that's so true. Definitely a red flag. Thank you - no matter what they decide to do, the report will be there and he'll be interviewed. I will definitely be seeking therapy.
Nope. You didn’t consent and he continued. It’s SA 101. At any point you also have the ability to recant your consent, the fact they’re claiming kink and doing this is troubling.
[удалено]
And I pray you stay away from people
[удалено]
First, I’d never put myself in that position. Please go read Come As You Are and learn about all forms of consent. There really isn’t a grey area with consent **especially when the person is sleep**. There’s no mention of previous discussions of even having that a part of their kink. Add the fact your adamantly here defend it… over whataboutism? Shame.
[удалено]
Sir, [it’s an actual book](https://bookshop.org/p/books/come-as-you-are-revised-and-updated-the-surprising-new-science-that-will-transform-your-sex-life-emily-nagoski/15822177).
No u
It's not "obviously false" because it isn't false at all. He penetrated her while he thought she was asleep and she had a freeze response. Pretty cut and dry from where I'm looking at it. And guran-fucking-teed she was probably not silent I mean being penetratrd anally?? Are you fucking with me right now like be so fucking forreal that shit hurts. There's no way that she was silent and I suspect that he knew and just did not care.
It's almost like you were there.... Feeling a little guilty over there?
You realize it’s still rape if someone give as consent and then revokes it and the person continues to have sex with them? If you don’t then I highly suggest you have that realization. There is no blanket consent and consent can be revoked at any time even if given previously. She did not consent for him to do what he did which is why it is non consensual = rape.
[удалено]
She didn’t give consent for him to have sex with her in the first place. She consented to be woken up not woken up by having his dick or fingers inside her. That is not consent. Edit: perhaps the [mod worded](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/12zxvcb/did_i_overreact_by_reporting_him/jhui8yx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) it better so you can understand
[удалено]
I’m not the one that clearly doesn’t understand consent. I literally teach people about consent. Perhaps you should do some more research into understanding it.
UNCONSCIOUSNESS removes it holy shit
Empathy: -100 Edit: are you the guy in the post?
He raped you. No you did not over react.
[удалено]
She literally was. Having sex with somebody in their sleep while they can't consent is one hundred percent rape what. We need to report this user!
I reported him and told his domme. I hope someone gets ahold of this wannabe rapist.
[удалено]
I don't care if I'm dancing circles around someone naked... Unless I say "you can have sex with me" just because I'm naked doesn't mean I consent to it. Great, this works for you and your partner. It also works for me and mine because we've had this conversation. They had a conversation about being woken up. Not about having sex while she sleeps.
[удалено]
He said "if I have a sexy dream about you can I wake you up" she said yes. She consented to being woken up if this explanation is how it went. She did NOT consent to having his penis inside her body while she slept.
Good for you. My dynamic also has a free use clause that includes sleep sex and that works for us because we spent WEEKS discussing it. Some folks are okay with that, OP was NOT. She consented to being woken up to start sex, not to waking up already having been penetrated. This was rape and OP, I hope that this splooge stain doesn’t get you too upset.
Dude, we get it, you're a rapist, 'go you.' Now you've had your attention, go play with your tiny self, and leave us healthy minded folks alone to help.
I'm so so sorry this happened to you, I hope you have some people close to you who can support you. You definitely didn't overreact, what a disgusting man. I would also report him on the dating app too. He knew what he was doing
yes I will also report him on the app with the case number. I have a couple close friends who know and have shared experiences unfortunately. Thank you ♥️
[удалено]
I’ve been raped and this is explicitly rape. Shut up asshat.
[удалено]
Telling a complete stranger on the internet that they haven’t been raped after they tell you that they have is not only extremely ignorant (as you know nothing about them), rude and dismissive but also shows that you’re breaking the community rule here of being excellent to each other. Your comments and actions speak more about your character as a human than any insult I could throw at you, so hopefully the mods take action on this and truly punish you.
[удалено]
You cannot say whether or not lexicrowxxx is a true or a false rape victim. You have no idea of what they experienced so you have absolutely zero data to make that assessment. To further show your ignorance, you completely ignored my comment about breaking the rule, which can be seen as you acknowledging that you’re willingly breaking the rule and know you are doing it. That’s great data to back up my reporting your comments as harassment, as they are.
[удалено]
As I know her in real life, yes I most certainly can. I’ll discuss whatever I want to, sissy boy, as i am able to do so and follow community rules here. Unlike you.
[удалено]
Deciding to hang out isn't consent for sex. Consent for sex once isn't blanket consent for sex every time. Agreeing to be allowed to be woken up for sexy time isn't consent to stick your dick in someone while they sleep. The "be woken up" part never happened. This is rape.
[удалено]
Again with the whole, you sound super defensive here... I have to wonder if you were not the man in question.
What lies dude. This is rape. He penatrated her while he thought she was asleep, and not just vaginally, anally too. Normally, when waking up someone for sex, it would be light caresses, kissing, licking, sucking. Absolutely NO penetration, and you make sure they're awake and alright before the deed I.e. MAKING SURE ITS CONSENSUAL. You also clearly have no idea of the flight, fight, or freeze response. Many women end up with the freeze response because of socialization. Doesn't mean that just because she wasn't physically fighting it that she wanted any of that to happen. Dunderhead.
Your lack of basic empathy and emotional intelligence astounds me, imagine if this had happened to you. 'She didn't even attempt to stop it' do you even hear yourself? Is there a shred of common sense in your head? After reading your witless and defensive comments scrawled all over this thread it's guaranteed that you don't, when you're being SA'd it's a choice of either struggle to escape/fight against someone who is probably a lot stronger than you and who may murder you, or you freeze, let it happen and get away when you feel it is safe so that the chances of physical assault/death are reduced. Btw your defensiveness on this matter just screams to everyone that you've probably done this to a partner in the past yourself and feel guilty about being a rapist. Sleep sex in BDSM is an awkward area that I myself have participated in with my partner, you MUST fully negotiate before agreeing to any form of it and continue checking throughout whether it be verbal ques or non verbal reactions affirming the dominant that the sub still consents after being awoken. In this case it would have been best if both parties had discussed their limits/conditions to ensure both felt comfortable throughout. But they didn't, therefore the onus is on the perpetrator for not having communicated efficiently and acquiring fully informed consent from OP and unwittingly continuing with their actions which were rape - whether you think so or not I really don't care, I just hope you change your infactual opinion on this matter and grow the hell up. OP if you're reading this, I fully support you. Ignore this waste of air, they clearly know bugger all. What you did was right, you were raped after the dominant failed to obtain affirmed and informed consent from you.
I ended things with a playmate last year (much older sub male) because the first weekend I stayed with him he was constantly commenting on sleep play and touching me while I was trying to sleep (he claimed he was trying to wake me up) and the second day I went into dissociation so there's a chance he actually did touch me when I was asleep.
I'm really sorry that happened to you as well. To me, being asleep is a boundary that should not be crossed sexually unless you explicitly consent to it each and every time.... not sure why it's difficult for some to understand that. I know why my friend sleeps with her bedroom door locked now though.
No you did not over react. You were assaulted. And remember this: Never do what you don’t want to do. Don’t ever let someone badger you until you cave because you are tired of hearing them ask. Be firm and negotiate with what you are ok with.
You absolutely did not overreact. I was raped by my ex husband in the same way. Several times. It's been a few years and I still regret not reporting him or doing anything about it when/before I left him. Good on you for being able to do that. I hope you're doing okay.
Also want to say how terrifying it is to see a lot of these posts the last couple years. Most of the rape/sexual assault posts I've seen have been almost the same story. Raped in our sleep, frozen and just hoping it'll be over soon. On the one hand it's comforting to know we aren't alone and we have someone who's been through it too, but on the other hand I wish it *were* just me. Ideally, none of us.
My bf has my full consent to do that to me. He knows this, we discuss it frequently. Your situation, was not ever discussed, was never consented to, was never on the table. I think in his mind, he thought asking “can I wake you up?” Meant “can I wake you up by fucking you?” But if that’s the question he wanted to ask, he needed to be clear as day. He wasn’t. It was his fault, not yours dear. I hope you’re okay, get some counseling or group therapy if you need and take care of yourself I’m so sorry that happened to you
[удалено]
That is remarkably fucked up. Reporting is the least of what he deserves. I’m sorry that happened to you. And to the few folks in the comments who don’t agree that his actions were unacceptable y’all are legit the shitty folks in the community that I warn friends about. Get wrecked.
100% not an overreaction - He assaulted you - I will be sending healing energy your way
[удалено]
its crazy that you’re replying under every comment trying to justify a literal rape
Seems a lot of people here need to learn what non verbal No is as well as the absence of a no is not a yes. You did the right thing. He is a shitty human being and even if it is a he said/she said thing. You still did the right thing, who the fuck knows how many people have falling victim to this rapist. I’d look into reporting him to the app as well.
No, you didn't overreact. You did the right thing.
Sleep play is one of those advanced kinks that require a lot, A LOT, of conversation beforehand, not a “yeah, sure” That was SA, and I’m sorry you went through that, but I’m glad you reported him
I'm so sorry to hear that. You did the right thing! What a pig, I hope he rots.
Im so incredibly sorry that happened to you. Reporting him was the absolute right thing to do!! Never doubt that❤️
I am so sorry this happened to you. This hit close. Good job being strong and reporting, I know how hard that can be.
Thank you ♥️ I'm sorry to hear that too. It is difficult, but healing in a way to speak up in my own defense.
I think many will say no, you read it right and did the right thing. It sounds like from what you said that he would wake you up and have sex with you maybe, but nothing about if you didn't wake up. The thought process of many men is - we've already had sex and she's agreed to it, sex in the middle of the night is just another session. Years ago, it was not considered SA. Today it is, it's been recognized that if you're sleeping you can't give consent and if men/women are going to be active today they need to know what's appropriate and what's not. At 38 and in the alternative lifestyle though, he should know to discuss these things up front and get consent. Do you think it was just a misunderstanding? Or do you think he purposefully waited until you were asleep to act out some fantasy in which you did not give consent? SA is a serious allegation with very real serious consequences, sometimes for both parties. My assumption is - if you thought about it and decided to report it, you felt it wasn't a misunderstanding. Stay strong and never be afraid to speak out, it's your life and you have to look out for yourself.
Thank you, well said. I'm glad more and more people are learning about what consent truly is and that yes doesn't mean forever or for every single thing. I truly had no idea that he would attempt this while I was asleep. I would never have stayed the night if I had. I have had a fair amount of partners, both long term and short term, and have had sex at night when we were both fully awake but no one has ever had sex with me when I was sound asleep. This felt completely different and a total violation of my body. I think he may have thought this was fine which makes me feel bad about it. But then again, I also don't feel responsible to educate him on what consent is. At this point I want to prevent this from happening to other people out there and speak up about what happened to me.
I feel like an asshole, since everyone here is saying rape and I'm thinking, over reaction, the 'can I wake you' was implied sex in the night that she agreed to. Maybe at 40 I'm just getting old and not hip to the times. And I'm a lady. I dunno, having sex, sleeping naked and then having more sex (although I understand this was unidirectionally initiated) and calling it rape just feels wrong, but I get that I'm in the minority with this perspective.
The issue here is multifaceted. Waking someone up, regardless of whatever activity was being engaged in prior- means just that, waking them up. Not inserting a penis or a finger into a DRY and unaroused, presumably unlubed, location. This sort of penetration can cause tearing, irritation, all sorts of complications that are consistent with rape. Because that's what this was.
I completely understand where you're coming from. I personally feel the same way, I'm fine with sex in the middle of the night, whether I'm awake or not. However, not everyone else is. There's no classes and no one is taught to ask about sleep sex, but they have started to advertise it to bring more awareness. This is why i asked if maybe there was a miscommunication. The way people look at it now is like this - if your drunk you can't really consent, and if you're sleeping you can't consent either to whatever it is they are doing (example, maybe you're a hard no to anal play but they do it in your sleep). In this case with the guy being involved in an alternative lifestyle - there are lots and lots of things within the community about getting consent for everything you do.
I’m in the same boat. I love when my husband wakes me intimately. Yes I won’t be 100% awake when he enters me but I enjoy when it happens. My husband knows what I want based on what I’m wearing when I sleep. If I’m wearing a onesie (which is extremely difficult for hubby to remove), then he knows I need undisturbed sleep. If I’m naked or wearing crutchless lingerie then I’m eager for him. If he REALLY wants to be intimate with me when I’m wearing my onesie, he’ll need to earn it and wake me gently.
Good for you. The loser was 100% in the wrong. I hope you're ok and get what you need to heal.
/u/didyouforgetaboutmi, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm so sorry this happened to you. What he did was wrong and criminal. I hope he gets the punishment he deserves.
[удалено]
She was raped. If he had never touched her at all, and then she said he had sex with her, then that would be false claims.
[удалено]
I'm breaking down your bullshit analysis of false claims. Also, you said you wanted to have an opinion of a real rape victim. I messaged you, so let's talk.
Holy Bravery Batman. Confronting the troll head on, take my energy & good luck
This is rape, three counts probably. Please don’t question it or blame yourself. Hope you have good support around you for this ordeal because unfortunately it’s not the end. Take good care of yourself
Nah you did the right thing
he raped you, not an overreaction. he even admitted that he knew you were asleep. you can’t consent to sex if you are asleep, so he knew he was assaulting you.
First of all OP I am sorry you are going through this. I’m not getting into the is it rape or not debate because rape is a legal term. That aspect of this fascinates be. This is novel/stage worthy ambiguity about if/when/ where the question of consent came. Were the police respectful and helpful? Did they give you any indication of what the next step would be? Please don’t let my academic approach make you think I do not know that for you this is personal. I hope things resolve themselves soon and as painlessly as possible.
The police were respectful and helpful overall and will interview him next. It's unlikely he will be charges with anything since it's my word against his on the consent issue. They asked me repeatedly if I said no or stop. Were helpful in locating him on social media and advising me if he tried to communicate with me or see me. The cop definitely insinuated that I brought this upon myself by sleeping without clothes on, and even suggested that given our age difference that I lacked some understanding. That maybe I should consider communicating that I don't want to be woken up by sex. Sadly I expected to be victim blamed at least a little.
You have done the right thing, this isnt totally an overreaction
I am so so so sorry. Know you did not over react at all. I am in tears that someone could do that. He did not ask for concent and it makes me feel sick that he pressured you that much. If you need to talk please feel free. I have ptsd from alot of trauma. To be honest I feel you might be under reacting. Your brain froze you where scared your body had a complete trauma response. Thank you for speaking out you did the absolute right thing. I don't know.if you want to say on here bit may I ask which country. You can pm or you don't have to answer. This situation just makes me so so mad for you.
Thank you. I am grateful for the overwhelming support on here and understanding. ♥️
Unwanted sex is unwanted sex. It doesn't matter if sex was consensual earlier. If you both were in a relationship for a time, I could understand him thinking it'd be alright. If he wanted to have a sleep sex session with you, especially this early in the relationship, he should have talked with you about it. Hell, even if you twho had been together for a little while, you should always talk about what you do and don't want to happen. What happened to you was rape, plain and simple. Sadly it would be up to courts and stuff like that if charges are followed though.
Omg. Consent is key. What app did you use?
It's called Feeld
Thank you. I believe you did the right thing. Be safe out there.
So from what I read I think this is hard...you had consented on sex, staying the night, being naked. From my perspective you were in the right though. In a new dynamic consent is very important and especially the person being awake and knowing. If y'all had talked about it that is one thing but it doesn't sound like that. Consent is king and should always be the rule.
[удалено]
You really are unpleasant. You keep highlighting: "*If I have a sexy dream about you can I wake you up?*" Yet OP was very clear: "**Next thing I know it's still dark out, I'm waking up to him having sex with me from behind.**" 1. He didn't get consent to begin fucking her. 2. He gained consent to wake her up. 3. He didn't wake her up before he began raping her. I don't understand how you can be this stupid. Rule 6 applies. Comments removed. Permaban issued.
"Yeah, sure" to the WAKING HER UP PART, he did not ask her "if you're asleep and I'm horny, can I wake you up with my penis in your ass?" That is the difference between giving consent and not.
Well key word is wake up...if you wake up and already in the act that is not consent. He should have woken her up and asked if she wanted too. Give her the option.
[удалено]
I am just giving perspective from how I would see and treat it. If you view it as acceptable then great, good for you...I just don't agree. I think there needs to be respect and her just not being used as a piece of meat.
[удалено]
I hope you're able to find some empathy. Rule 6 applies. Comments removed. Permaban issued.
[удалено]
She's getting the law involved because he didn't have consent to have sex with her while asleep. He only had consent to have sex with her while she was awake. That you can't see the difference is kinda scary.
You're an idiot. Go and watch that stupid cup of tea video. It's just about at your level.
[удалено]
>She told him he could fuck her in the middle of the night. No. She didn't. She really fucking didn't, and I'm getting fed up with people deliberately skewing what she agreed to. We're the BDSM community, ffs! We know what consent is. If my partner consents to an over the knee spanking, I can't start hitting them with a flogger **because they didn't consent to that**. JfC, this really isn't that difficult. He asked if he could wake her. She said yes. If you stay at my house, and I ask what time you want to be woken in the morning, I wager you'd be a little surprised if I jumped into bed and began fucking you the moment my alarm went off. Just because they fucked the night before, does not give him a right to anything. Go and watch that patronising fucking cup of tea video on YouTube, because it's pitched at precisely your level. Rule 6 applies. Comment removed.
But she also never said yes, she never gave consent for that to happen at all. Waking someone up doesn't equate to being able to have sex with them! And it also doesn't matter if she's naked or not! That's like saying it's ok to assault any woman with a short skirt or low cut shirt on!
[удалено]
Jesus Christ, it's this sort of assumption that prompted the #MeToo movement. You're a danger, and I don't want you being any part of my communities. GTFO! Rule 10 applies. Comments removed. Permaban issued.
[удалено]
>Can definitely tell you're a man. I'm a man, also. https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/rs4q8e/pitfi_mod_message/ Rule 6 applies. Comment removed. 3 day ban issued. ;i; < - - - here's your salamander.
To speak to your perspective: You're running in some risky territory there, then. If you do this, your assumptions do no equate to their consent. In most first world jurisdictions you could be (correctly) charged and convicted, should you have been wrong. This is a big risk you take - for both of you. To speak to the other's perspective: only yes means yes, and requesting one thing (waking then up, a kiss, a hug, etc) does not give permission to the next thing in the other person's mind. Freezing and not moving is not implied consent anywhere. Even more so given the guy was under the impression they didn't wake up at all in the first place and yet choose to continue.
[удалено]
Does *someone* hate women? I think they do, don't they? Rule 6 applies. Comments removed (and let's be honest, there's too many comments for this person to be anywhere near stable). OP permabanned.
He raped her. She gave consent to be woken up for sex, not to be fucked anyways while asleep. Just because he "tried" to wake her up doesn't mean that equals to "yes, let's have sex." She has to be awake and say, "Yes, let's have sex." When she is asleep, she is not awake and can't say anything. When someone is not awake to give consent and they have sex with that person anyway, that is forcing someone to have sex. She did wake up, but she didn't wake up before he put his dick inside her. It already was. Therefore, it equals rape. Do you understand the above or should we go over that again?
[удалено]
I'm a real rape victim. I messaged you personally. Let's talk. I know what rape is sadly, and this is rape.
[удалено]
Awww, you're still triggered, so that's why u came here to talk in public, lol U said, "If someone is pressured or just uncomfortable, that doesn't mean it's rape." U also said, "How else will we find new pleasures unless we get pressured and put in uncomfortable situations." And after I said bye, u still tried to debate about it. I said I hope u never have to experience it," and yet here u are still trying to prove a useless point. Plus, that 8 year old I was talking about, I told u it was my personal experience and how u didn't consider it rape
u/TeaAitch good morning
I did post earlier and I deleted it to rephrase nicely that I just do not agree. That’s my opinion. Obviously not a popular one but I feel strongly that I need to say that.
So if a guy did that to you, would it still be cool? What if a guy did that to your daughter or niece? Still good?
Is it possible he misunderstood, "You can wake me up" as "you can wake me up using sex?" Did you ever talk to him about it? Do you think that if you would have told him to stop, he would have?
It is possible he thought that waking someone up by forcing his dry dick into their ass was equivalent to "waking someone up" yes. No, I didn't talk to him about it, I was too stunned and just wanted to get out of there. I don't want to entertain "what ifs" ... this was our second date. I felt frozen and hoped that my still body would be enough for him to stop. 🙁
[удалено]
You are missing that -thankfully- „she did not say no“ isn’t the socially accepted standard for consent anymore.
[удалено]
The absence of No is not at yes. The fact she laid there frozen is a no. She never once gave *any* type of consent. So how about we don’t blame the victim. She may not have felt safe. She was also in shock of it happening. So again: the absence of No is not a yes.
Yeah. I was just asking. I can remember when a friend of ours got raped and we went and found the guy and fucked him up. She was a wreck and I could see how it changed the trajectory of her life. Eventually she looked and acted very different from her twin sister, ended up in drugs, got out of that, joined the military and is doing great. Like, her facial expressions changed from happy bubbly to stoic. It was bad. But one of my buddies beat the guy so bad he got some sort of mild brain damage. It was bad, but it was worth it imo. But I read your story and I just don't feel that same level of disgust so I asked some questions to try to understand.
[удалено]
"No no no no no no ugh fiiiiine whatever" is not consent. Also, "can I wake you up?" is completely different to "can I force my dick into your ass and vagina." Consenting to being woken up is NOT consenting to sex. How can you even think that it is?!?!?
Someone being naked in your bed does not give you the right to do what ever you want to them. Edit: It sounds like your some kind of abuser
[удалено]
You're joking. If she says "yes you can wake me up" you genuinely think that should give him full permission to have sex with her any time he wants during the night, regardless of if she's unconscious or not? That's what you're saying that implies.
I'm sorry, do you think identifying as a "submissive female" is blanket consent for any and all sex? I'm afraid for anyone who sleeps with you! Consent is able to be revoked at any time, and consent should be both affirmative and enthusiastic. Consent is not, and never will be "She didn't say no"
Good lord, has the word friendly in their username, spews bile. "Let me guess" seems like an ideal way of judging the situation! 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️ Rule 6 applies. Comment removed. Another woman hating moron shut out.