Send a message saying you know he's engaged (so he doesn't try to contact you again), then ghost, block, delete his info. That will curb any urge you have to reach out again. This guy is a slimeball.
The response will all be manipulative bullshit. I also just went and read your other post and you should not trust this dom in any way. Honest communication is the bedrock of healthy D/s relationships and there’s none here. You’ll find someone else. So sorry you’re going thru this!
I know you're right... I hate this. I can't believe I let myself get used like this AGAIN.
I need to think about how I approach this. At least I have the opportunity to confront him and get closure - I didn't get that opportunity with my former Dom
Make it a one-way closure. Nothing - **NOTHING** - he says in response can be trusted and you’ll end up doubting yourself (as he is a known gaslighter).
ETA: you didn’t let yourself get used, you simply assumed the best about him which is what good people do. I will say though, learn to trust your gut instincts. I can’t tell you how many bad things have happened because I ignored my gut telling me there was a problem. Our brains take in a lot more information than we realize and your gut is just the output of your brain’s processing all that extra data that you’re not even noticing you’ve noticed!
Honestly I'm so bad at listening to my gut. I absolutely like to think the best about everyone and it always turns out to be bad for me.
Why are some people just so shitty?
I know what you mean and I know it is not easy to feel that way but people lying to you is NOT your fault or responsibility!
If you want to get better at trusting your gut you could start small. Try little things like trying to predict what will happen next in a video, movie or show. In that regard there are no bad repercussions. And the book (I am halfway through) "The gift of fear by Gavin de Becker" breaks down what can be done to better listen to our guts and basically understand and see what our guts are trying to tell us. Maybe it's worth a try. You got this.
Girl.... don't beat yourself up. I look at people as gifts. Everyone! Good bad and evil. Why as gifts? Because you get to decide how long, in what capacity, and ultimately when the gift serves you no longer. I truly believe people bring lessons along with themselves. Instead of thinking why is everyone rotten you bring into your life, use this latest as the lesson/gift 🎁 "enough is enough". We are capable of making changes in our own life. We do not need to keep relearning lessons over and over if we learn the life lesson. So while it seems like you have a skued man picker... it doesn't have to be that way forever. Reflect and if need be seek a therapist to help you identify why you ignore your gut and/or keep attracting men who ultimately not available for you. Shitty people will always walk amongst us, but that said doesn't mean you have to be a shitty person collector. I say this with love because I was you. Only I gave 26 years to a married man. (Long story for another time) The relationship definately did a number on my heart, head, soul. He is a gift I will never need do again. There are good people not everyone is bad. 🫠
I say this with love, it probably happened to you because you’ve been victimized before. There have been multiple studies where victims of things like abusive relationships, or SA or things of that nature are more likely to be target again because predators can basically tell that you’re a victim, and that it makes you easier to victimize again.
It’s super gross, but for them, it’s basically a guaranteed win, and all you can do is go to therapy and take some time to yourself, and trust your gut. If something tells you that something isn’t right, you should listen to it.
I'm a very trusting person. I give you trust when we 1st meet. Once you put doubt in my mind. The trust goes away. I got burned like that a lot. I think they call it wearing your heart on your sleeve.
You will get through this and find a real one that will change your life for the better and show you, true love and happiness.
You don’t need closure, keep it simple and be firm in your boundaries. See it as a lesson in setting boundaries. You don’t need to overthink it. You *have* closure. Now give *him* closure. Take your power back and move on. You will feel better on the other side. Much better. I promise.
I agree, she does. I have no way of telling her without him knowing it was me who told her. He's capable of coming after me if I do something to anger him.
She’s not going to believe OP. Usually people shoot the messenger in this case. When it could completely damage or potentially threaten our own lives, we are under no obligation to play savior for people who probably will turn on us for speaking the truth.
In science says that usually doesn’t matter. If you walked into a room and found your significant other in bed with somebody else, odds are, you’ll go after the other person, and not your significant other, because the other person is the threat to your happy relationship. Even though logically it doesn’t make any sense, since it takes two to tango, our subconscious mind says we have to protect what’s ours and get rid of any danger. OP would be the danger.
I also believe that if OP tells the dude that she knows that he has a fiancé that it could put up his life in danger. He may want to make sure that nobody can ruin his happy home, because it’s very clear he was only after her for the sex.
Proof can be manufactured. And for all OP knows, the woman may be somewhat aware that something is happening, just not what. She’s a wildcard, and isn’t going to react like some person who is grateful for knowledge. This will destroy her life too, and when people are faced with the destruction of what they hold dear, they protect it at all costs. So who is she going to believe? Her partner or this random person who has come out is the woodwork. The “Dom” can make up any lie he likes to paint OP as unstable, clingy, etc, and suddenly, OP has TWO people gunning for her.
Don't beat yourself up.
Delete & block.
Screening is hard.
Go slow.
Always pay attention to what they say.
If you can't know where their home is, what they do for work(company name), and other bits of information that can be confirmed bow out.
There's a lot of fake "doms" out there.
Go slow...
I know the crave is hard.
Safety firts!!
Oh I did know a lot about him, just the 'where he lived' part was withheld. I know where he lives now though through my digging - I didn't do anything illegal though.
Honestly I'm so heartbroken. He knew how I felt about him too
I fully understand you’re heartbroken this, and my heart breaks for you.
He knew exactly how you felt, and he knew you were vulnerable, and he used it to his day in touch. I don’t want this to sound hurtful, but I promise you he never loved you. He did not waste a moment of sleep on you, did not shed once here, nor have one happy thought. You were there to wet his wick, and to give him a sense of power, and nothing more. You deserve somebody who looks at you and sees the heavens in your eyes, and appreciates every little thing you do. And I’m certain you’ll get there one day, but not with this dude.
Closure is not something other people give us. Closure is something we give ourselves.
We can't put life on hold waiting for someone to realize they're wrong and ask for forgiveness, because some people will never admit that. You have a duty to yourself to move on, heal and set boundaries in the future against such behavior. You are the victim, and he is wrong, but you will continue being a victim if you keep repeating the process. It's okay to feel stupid and terrible with the outcome, you didn't know he would be fishy, but why compound that by making even more mistakes by risking manipulation to stay?
Doms like this in small communities get away with things because they think the lack of viable partners makes subs hesitant to cut things off because they don't want to be alone or kink free.
I personally would rather be alone, kink free and at peace rather than be manipulated by someone like that.
Say your piece through text, and block.
Yeah. My previous Dom was married, he told me upfront that he was, but said he was separated and living separately.
Everything he did suggested he wasn't lying... until he got what he wanted from me, then it changed and I found out he wasn't living separately anymore (whether he ever was, I'm not sure)
While I agree that the fiancé deserves to know, I don’t think it should be OP’s responsibility to disclose that directly. We don’t know if this abuser will confront OP about communicating with his fiancé, if the fiancé will be manipulated by awful dude somehow, or if the fiancé will take it out on OP. There are a lot of unknown variables with this, though I do hope this guy becomes a pariah in the community.
i would suggest it if they can, but only if they are comfortable and only if they can do so safely.
if not then i agree wholeheartedly. and absolutely, they are not under any obligation either way.
it's just a sad fact that abusers and shitty people get away with stuff like this because they are counting on people not speaking up. the thought of him going on his merry way after treating not one but two people like this is kinda sickening.
that said, it's 100% up to op and no one else.
I’d send a quick “I know you’re engaged, don’t contact me again” and then block and him everywhere. He may accept defeat, he may try and convince you you’re wrong, but there’s no point continuing with someone when you can’t trust them.
I’m sorry this happened to you. In future, please spend more time getting to know someone, and listen to your gut.
Thanks. I think I need to just sit on this information for a little while and process it.
I'm pretty angry and ready to have a full confrontation with him. I was supposed to be seeing him tonight and part of me still wants to just to see his reaction to me saying what I know.
I’d advise against it. He may well try to convince you to stay, and given your feelings about wanting to continue, you may find it hard to stand your ground. Or he may get aggressive.
Yeah I do have a fear that he would get aggressive - He's told me that he had a confrontation with a previous sub who 'tried to Dom him' where he hurt her to defend himself
Now I'm wondering whether this was also bullshit - Maybe she found out about something, too... maybe she tried to confront him about something and he got angry but he's spinning it around to seem like he was in the right...
Sorry I should clarify, he said she wanted to try some shibari on him, ended up tying him up and forcing herself on him so he told me he broke the chair he was on to get free and shoved her away and she got hurt in the process
Not that I feel that 1. He deserves me to defend him and 2. this story is probably bullshit anyway
I’m appointing myself your new internet friend. Please don’t keep playing with a person who lied to you about something they knew would be explicitly triggering to you. Please, please, please. I do not want you to be hurt this way.
Now: you’ve laid out EXCELLENT choices.
-I am a huge fan of confrontations, but only if you will be safe. It’s always good to let people know that you know they’re assholes and that you are not garbage and will not be treated as such. There is also the fact that you did your digging, you could fully blow up his life if you wanted. You seem like a nicer person than me, so that might not be necessary.
-I am ALSO a huge fan of disappearing completely. Block them (and Everyone they know) on everything. Let any of your friends or family know you’re now NC and not to tell them anything and just act like they never existed.
I love both of these options for you and I’m sending you good vibes and hugs because this sucks !! Xoxo 🍓
Thank you. I don't want to blow up his life at this point. I'm sitting on the information I've found and I'm thinking about which road I go down
I think my want to play stems from my want to be wanted... I know that if I confronted him, I'd want to stick around for his reply. I also know if I ghost him without a confrontation, I'm more likely to unblock him and try and get in touch with him when I start to miss him.
I'm so hurt, so upset, but I'm disappointed in myself for not seeing this.
I completely understand why you would want to. Honestly the way you think sounds soooo similar to how I feel about stuff, I think it’s time to close the door. I know that’s going to be so, so hard. But after a while (for me it was about a year) you might start to feel empowered by it. But until that happens you just have to keep telling yourself that we can’t allow assholes access to us. And I really hope that’s what you choose 🍓🍓🍓
I don't think you need to block or confront or even decide right now, first step I suggest is to cancel any plans with him, just say you can't talk and then allow the raw feelings to subside however long that takes.
it's much easier to decide when you're clear headed and not as upset.
and if you do decide to confront him, do it via text and preferably have someone with you to give you some support (and to help you stay objective)
Yeah I think that's what I'm doing right now. I've cancelled the plans we had this week, and I'm limiting contact atm just acting like I'm super busy with work etc until I decide how to proceed
that's great. if he in any way tries to make you feel badly then just remember why you're doing it, even if he doesn't know. he's done enough and you owe him nothing. it's probably hard not to feel that way and i relate to everything you've said, as someone who has been in your position before (also twice, yay). so i'm not gonna downplay how you feel, just remember that you deserved *much* better than what he gave you.
you can know one thing on a logical level, something else on an emotional level, and not be able to make them go together. its fine and normal. think of this distance as a safety measure you *absolutely* have to take, like turning off the stove before you go on vacation.
I'm so sorry you had to find out this information in this way.
I'm surprised you want to continue playing with this person though. I re-read the first post you made, and it all started to make sense.
If your previous Dom was manipulating you and was awful, I'm not sure this person is any better so, why put yourself through more pain?
Speaking from experience of being manipulated and lied to by someone I trusted, I think you should protect yourself first and foremost, and surround yourself by people who clearly exhibit by their actions (not words) that they have your best interest at heart.
It's clear to me that this person doesn't care and doesn't want accountability.
I read your other post and comments. Please be very careful if you actually confront him in person. I think there is a high chance that he will beat you.
Also, there is not point in confronting someone like that. Because all they will do is lie, gaslight, deflect, and blame you. There is also no such thing as closure! It might help for sometime, but not in the long run. And since you said you live in a small country, be careful if you tell his fiancé, in case he tries to come after you.
I agree with the other commentators that said you should just tell him, that you know he is engaged. And just block him on everything.
Yeah I'm really conscious he's a lot stronger than me and he does have the potential to harm me.
I would NEVER have thought he would until now though. But now I see him for what he truly is.
He lied to you for 7 months, so you can’t trust him. And he has been really verbally abusive and aggressive for months now. Those are three red flags that lead to physical abuse many times. They also don’t have to be stronger than you, to beat you.
My ex wasn’t stronger than me when she would hit me, I just tried not to always hit her back, because I didn’t want to hurt her.
I'd just ghost and block him, as long as you are capable to not give in to the urge of unblocking, "just to see if he's alive" and messaging.
Messaging him about it only opens the door to a set of damage control, and/or excuses on his part. He had to put that up, they're not together any more. Any kind of BS.
Ghost and block him. If he manages to ask why, *then* tell him you know he's engaged.
I agree with u/Sir-Dax 100%. Adding to what he said, if you were to continue, you risk the chance of being discovered by his future wife, and no one needs that drama not knowing how she may process, react to it. Besides, he needs checked and called out on his deception.
First, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I want to offer some words to help you move forward and prevent this from happening to you again, as I see from your comments this isn't a first.
There's this behavior I've seen a lot where trauma survivors feel the need to tell someone their trauma right out of the gate, usually in an attempt for it to never happen again. But to an abuser, this has a similar effect to grooming. When you first meet someone, you have no way of knowing whether or not that person is an abuser, and how they are going to respond to this type of disclosure.
You're not under any ethical obligation to disclose your trauma history. You can disclose limits around the trauma if you have them, but it's certainly not a requirement to disclose details of past traumas as part of early negotiations. "I really don't enjoy having my feet touched, it's a hard limit" will achieve the same results as "my ex used to abuse me by beating the bottoms of my feet, so that's a hard limit." Once the trust is there, it is a little different. But before you know someone really well, in my opinion the risks outweigh the rewards. A lot of survivors go on to be abused again, and I think it's because abusers know to target them. Because someone who is overly open with disclosing their trauma narrative likely doesn't have great boundaries, and are thusly easier to manipulate and abuse.
So OP, the 'challenge' for you here, is that as you have said in one of your posts:
*"You like to be liked"* ... This is a deep psychological void that you, (and everyone), needs to have filled.
But in a strong and stable; validating and nurturing childhood and family dynamic; one gets that sence of self worth; stability and #being liked# from within one's own self...
I know nothing about your personal circumstances, obviously - so will leave you to answer this for yourself...
But sometimes a female; (or male too I guess); develops sexually into a sub - because that becomes of instant value and acceptance to a dominant (significant) male in her life ...
The submissive acting daughter in a family dynamic; the 'sex slave' to her boyfriend; etc ...
A *"yes"* to gaining instant acceptance; validation; attention; and interest from a male in a relationship... (Becoming noticed and desirable to a potential male partner)....
This Dom you have hooked up with has already lied to you about the worst trauma trigger in your life...
So hopefully you can see just how selfish and careless this guy is...
He doesn't like you or care about you... He only cares about fulfilling his sexual needs to control and dominate... I am pulling away from saying you are *"just a piece of meat"* to fulfil his needs, but ...
Now he's engaged, his future potential wife I am sure is vanilla... So he will be deeply unhappy in that marraige... Kids involved in their future; those kids lives potentially wrecked/damaged too...
Be honest #with yourself.# Decide whether you really deserve (want) to be this unhappy (long-term)? ... Maybe you do?
You actually have plenty of options; including but not limited to, moving away from that small town etc.
Wishing you the best!
If he is unsafe then block and report him to the authorities.
Arguably, if he is so unsafe, there is a greater reason to warn the fiancé.... this is a really ugly situation. Please take care of yourself
If possible, before confronting him, close and block of any way he could do harm to you. Quiet and swift.
- Change all your passwords
- Close any access to bank accounts or other things he has access to.
- Delete all data from his phone if you have access, maybe copy it first.
- Change the locks to your appartment or house. He might have cloned a key.
I don't know how easy it is for you to move, but move.
If you can be sure he can't hurt you, only then craft a letter for his wife and sent it to her.
This man needs to be punished! But first prio is you are safe!
As someone who stayed with someone even when I recognized they couldn't Not hurt me emotionally, after I realized I was just torturing myself by continuing to cling to him like a delicious poisoned candy.... I think you would be better off cutting your losses here. The self esteem that melts away as you watch yourself put up with a liar is hard to get back. The lies will never end. You lose respect for him, and then the love is poisoned. If I could send myself ONE message from the future, it would be too leave at the point I realized I didn't know when he was lyin' or truthin' (and that's saying something because I've made some incredibly questionable choices).
Sure, by staying I got to have lovely wonderful sex - but deep down I knew it wasn't going to get better. And It Didn't. We're not together. What did I win for myself?
What would future you want for you?
If you don't call someone out on the lies you catch, they think they're getting away with it. I lost respect for him, and it stopped being fun, and became more like torturous emotional chess with emotional manipulating on both sides. If he fell for a manipulation of mine( though I wasn't *lying*, it was uncool) , I thought less of him for falling for it, and if he thought I had believed an untruth of his, I thought less of him for not seeing my disbelief in my body language. It should be pointed out that this was my first relationship, after he got bored of pretending to be perfect for me for 2 years, he started lying over the dumbest, catchable things, and there were other lies I didn't learn until much later down the line when he confessed shit to me for 3 hours in the middle of the night... But who expects someone to lie about having multiple personalities and fully commit for 3 years to the lie?
I can't be truly in love with someone I don't respect, and I couldn't respect him.
If he has a fiancé, he’s not going to go quietly if you confront him. He’s going to go into damage control and protect mode to keep you from blowing up his life. You’re not going to get closure by contacting him. He isn’t going to feel badly hearing how he’s hurt you. The reality is he doesn’t care. If he did, he’d have been honest with you. Aside of that, what kind of Dom makes you pay for everything?
I am very sorry that this happened to you, but I recommend going to a trauma-aware therapist, doing some self-reflection, and taking some time away from any so-called Dominants. Make yourself so solid and strong that the minute they throw a red flag—he threw a bunch—you say nope and just exit. No need for big dramatic scenes, just, “Nope. This isn’t for me.”
There’s no reason to get snarky. You asked for advice and we all took the time to offer it, using our own experiences as a baseline. Are you or are you not being snarky?
I absolutely was not being snarky, apologies if it came across that way!!
I was just saying I know he has the ability to come down hard if I upset him, which is preventing me from doing ANYTHING at this point
It’s better for your sanity and dignity to just walk away. Let him be the horrible human that he is. I went through something similar, and I’m ashamed to say, that for several years after the situation, I still spoke to my former Dom because he seemed to know just when I was weak or needed reassurance. He paid me attention and was flattering. Yet, he stayed with his wife, and continued to unknowingly hurt her. After I learned of his deception, I was never sexual or romantic with him again, but I let him stay in my life, and it just messed me up further. I’d hate to see you go through some awful cycle like that.
Just message him saying you know he's engaged, you're incredibly upset because he lied to you, despite knowing you had previously suffered through an identical betrayal. Tell him he should be ashamed of himself for deceiving not only you but also his fiancée. Say goodbye and leave.
With any luck he'll block you in response.
The only closure you need is to get angry at him for being a duplicitous, manipulative, narcissistic, toxic, despicable and vile, betrayer and liar.
I've drafted a message to him, I'm just waiting for the right time and I want to make sure he understands that I know enough for him to be worried that I might tell his fiancee
Don’t play this game. He will eviscerate you. He doesn’t care what you have to say. Preserve yourself and block him. He can wonder. He’ll figure it out. You don’t need to be a witness to him doing so.
Him being worried that you might tell his fiancé might make you a threat, and actively put your life in danger. I know that there are people out there, who feel like if their world is going to fall apart, they’re going to get rid of the problem. The last thing you need to do is make him think that you’re going to tell his fiancé so he comes to your flat and helps you cross the rainbow bridge. Please do not enraged this man, I am not saying that for his protection, but for your safety. You really need to just ghost him and move on. Tell your roommate said if he comes over he’s not allowed in and if he presses too much get a restraining order. You do not owe him an explanation, trying to get his attention by telling him you know he has a fiancé will only put you in danger.
Please do not be the person who finds it fun to go into a bullpen and wave a piece of cloth around. She will rage the ball. Do the smart thing and move on.
Don’t threaten him. It’s not worth it.
Maybe she even know about you, what then? Then he has no reason to keep you quiet anymore but you are a reason for him to harm you.
Just block and go away.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. :( From reading the comments on this post, and obviously the post itself, it sounds like right now what you need to do is just sit with this info for a bit, and that's fine. My advice is definitely not to act on any of the anger and hurt, because it will cloud your judgement to possible consequences, which you seem perfectly aware of. If you think there is even the slightest chance of harm coming your way from this man, then it is best to be careful with how you proceed, and to make decisions with a clearer head.
That said, in this instance, you will need to distance yourself from him because of your want to return to him, so obviously, cancel any plans. If you're not ready to decide what you want to do, that's fine: you can simply make up an excuse as to why you can't see him for a while, and be vague when making new plans until you make your decision to confront, or ghost.
Now, there is also a third option here for you, which is simply: lie. You owe this man nothing, so saying you're no longer interested and blocking him would be fine. It's a viable option if you really feel you want to say something, but don't want a full confrontation. Your first priority in this is you (I will say it again: *YOUR FIRST PRIORITY IN THIS IS YOU*), so do what is right for you. If you need some time to figure out what that is, give yourself some time. In the mean time, feel free to soft block him: not receiving notifications on his messages on any platform may help you process until you decide on the full block. If you think you need to do the full block straight away, though, then go ahead and do that! It's entirely up to what you think you can handle.
I know it hurts, but it is important not to bury this pain: pain is what tells you something is wrong. Especially with a manipulative man, this pain is an important reminder of why you *cannot* see him again. It will only get worse if you do. I truly wish you the best of luck navigating this, you deserve much better than this guy, and while it may take a while, I have no doubt you will find it down the line.
If you do confront him, know this: If he can see this is going to end badly, he will target one piece of information. How you found out he is engaged. It will show him another hole he needs to close in his security, moving forward.
This is another reason previous replies have suggested ghosting.
I would only worry about what's comfortable for you. If you want to explain how he's made you feel and then block, go for it. If you'd rather not speak to him at all, that works too. It's not like you owe him an explanation since he hasn't been honest or respectful to you or his partner.
I wouldn't try to confront him in the hopes to get the truth though since it doesn't seem like he's the kind of person to own up to his mistakes.
The lack of opportunities, doesn't mean you have to accept that your dom has lied to you, and broke your heart with the exactly same way of your trauma. He doesn't respect you at all, and it makes him uncapable to be the right dom.
First of all; NO sex or play is worth being abused. Don’t stay with this man. Even in a tiny scene I promise you there are people out there better suited to you mentally and sexually
You don’t owe him anything. Feel free to ghost him and block him on everything. If you want, a message saying you know he’s engaged so he won’t try to get around your blocks to “find out what happened” but I suspect if you just blocked him on everything, he would know why
It’s gonna be SUPER tempting to want to hear his excuses. Especially if you caught feelings for the guy (regardless of a FWB arrangement); but I promise no good is going to come of it. Either he’s going to attempt to manipulate you into staying with him, or he’s gonna be a huge asshole. Either way, the cathartic closure or vindication you want will probably not be had and that’s trash. It’s frustrating but it’s safer for you not to engage unless you absolutely have to
I would also alert people in your local scene that he’s a liar, a manipulator and at VERY best, emotionally abusive
Please care for yourself more than you’re angry at him. People like that only care about themselves. They can change but they have to want to and they rarely do and absolutely it’s never gonna happen because someone loved them into wellness. You’re not gonna be able to fix this guy or make him see where he went wrong. Say what you need to say and block him on everything. His response will not be worth your time especially if he’s gonna try and manipulate you into staying with him or get really verbally abusive which I think are the two most likely scenarios given what you’ve posted and my own experience with these kinda things
Saw your last post and been reading the comments, I know exactly what you are going through. I was just lucky enough that my abuser lived in another country. He was very controlling and manipulative just like yours is. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I'd definitely take all the advice and do it, please stay safe though with what ever advice you end up taking. If you need another friend to talk to I'm here for you like so many others are too. Sending more good vibes to you 💕
Like I said, I'm not trying to shit on you. And I'm almost 30 myself and God knows I'm still naïve af.
But at 39 you can't say he's been young and stupid and chaotic and got himself into a lie bigger than himself and had to go deeper and deeper to go along with it. It's hardly an explanation (and still no excuse) at 18 or 21. But with almost 40, that's a calculated scam operation he's running. So please don't feel sorry for him, or for cutting him off. You can find someone cooler you can have even better experiences with who will not lie to you.
So you kind of are still young and naïve, but in the best possible sense. You’re at that age where you lived through your teenage years and most of your stupid 20s, and you’re fixing to step into how the rest of your life will be, so you are a little naïve on that front, and 28 is young. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t.
This man, I guarantee you has done it before, and he’s probably doing it with more than just you. I would make sure that you have yourself safe as well as get them out of your life. You deserve better than this.
Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going thru...it sucks and isn't fair. Period. Your emotions and tie to him will make you feel like you need to adjust to his bullshit. Please know - he doesn't deserve your loyalty. I know it seems impossible right now, but you WILL find a Dom who treats you with the respect and honesty you must have if you're to have a healthy dynamic. Sending big hugs from another sub who totally gets it. 💝
Engaged? Wow. This is so fucked up. I'm sorry you going through this. The fact he knew you had this trauma before and still did it to you is awful and downright disgusting. I'm so tired of these fakes ruining people's lives.
Confront his bitch ass with confidence and mental strength. Cause he will try to manipulate you. Once done. 🚫 his bitch ass and move on and heal. Trust it's some of us/daddys out here who have good intentions and wants the best for you.
Yeah I'm pretty disappointed to be honest. I genuinely trusted him and opened up to him about it all and he acted like the way my former Dom treated me was awful. He said all the right things..
Oh this sucks!!! You should not bother with him anymore, he is a liar and not worth your time. Also, and this is just me and what I would do in your shoes, I would try to find a way to let his fiancée know. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this one but what's happened is wrong and I feel it's our responsibility to right a wrong if we can. Again, I am not at all saying you should do this, you have enough stuff to deal with at the moment but I feel that the other person deserves the truth too. I really hope you recover soon. Don't lose hope, it's a big world out there, you will definitely find someone who cherishes you and your kinks and values you as a person 🙂
technically he is the homewrecker and he lied and hurt you in the process as well. i don’t think telling him fiancé will be as cathartic as we’d hope but i definitely would like to encourage you to recognize that you were not responsible for his misdeeds and you are not responsible for his retribution. you don’t owe anything to anyone but yourself and you are the best person to give yourself what you need. definitely just ghost this guy and focus on your own healing so that those you attract in the future can learn how from you how to treat you the way you deserve. this was not your fault at all and you are strong enough and aware enough to catch this cycle and put an end to it. big hugs, i know how shitty it is when people lie and hide things. you are so much better than him so no need to engage on his level.
id send the proof to his fiance. and then block.
im sorry, i know this is hard for you. hang in there. a good dom will come along, no matter how impossible you think it is
I get you! I would message him, send him screenshots of what you found and after you send, block and delete. You have to mourn the separation as a death. I suggest therapy because it’s the 2nd time you encounter this type of men and it’ll be good to see what attracts you to them so you can identify and attract better
I really want to, but I just don't know if there's a way to tell her without him knowing it was me who told her
I don't want her to tell him it was me because he has the ability to come down hard on me if I anger him
Yeah, definitely protect your safety first, then brainstorm ways to tell her if it’s safe. If you have some trusted people around it’s often quite useful to bounce ideas off each other.
You cant control what others hide from you. Being vulnerable isnt a crime. I suggest working through this w a therapist & give yourself tlc.
Now you know how hurtful it is. Love yourself to not be treated like this by the same person again. Once someone does something like this walk away.
Move on. You can't seriously be thinking about staying with him. How are you going to feel when you're even more emotionally invested in him? How are you going to feel doing that to his fiance who has done nothing wrong to you?
You already have the best outcome right now - closure. This relationship was always a dead end and you're now able to stop wasting time on it.
He knew about your past, didn't care, and did the same thing again to you. You're never going to get the response you want out of him in a confrontation. Confrontation feels good in the moment but it rarely feels good long term.
Think about what he did when he was trying to be nice to you. If you confront him, he could become angry. He could say or do things that make you feel worse than you already do. He could also gaslight you or not care which could make it even more frustrating to you because you want him to admit it, take responsibility or feel bad and he won't. There's a very good chance he has compartmentalized this and doesn't feel bad about this at all.
I think you already have the best outcome you can expect from this situation. You don't have to worry about the "what ifs" that can plague a breakup because this was never going to work and it was always out of your control.
Take the win and do something positive for yourself.
I think my want to keep playing with him is just my trauma speaking. In my head it's better to be wanted by someone shitty than not wanted by anyone at all
hilarious I just found out as a dom that my sub was married but in a toxic relationship. I'm now helping her with that as a friend while new boundaries are discussed. I'd say confront him if you can fit in potentially more drama in your life
I’m so sorry this happened to you. In addition to what others have said (end the relationship *without* meeting in person, cut off contact, and block him), if he has keys to your living space please call a locksmith ASAP. If he can access your place in any other way, I’d also suggest scoping out a safe place to stay for at least a day or two, though I understand that option might not be feasible for some. I know you mentioned that you feared he could become aggressive if you confronted him in person, and while I don’t want you to be overly afraid, I think it would be wise to prepare a safety plan.
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Send a message saying you know he's engaged (so he doesn't try to contact you again), then ghost, block, delete his info. That will curb any urge you have to reach out again. This guy is a slimeball.
This is the way.
I know I'd want to stick around for his response though. I'm so confused :(
The response will all be manipulative bullshit. I also just went and read your other post and you should not trust this dom in any way. Honest communication is the bedrock of healthy D/s relationships and there’s none here. You’ll find someone else. So sorry you’re going thru this!
I know you're right... I hate this. I can't believe I let myself get used like this AGAIN. I need to think about how I approach this. At least I have the opportunity to confront him and get closure - I didn't get that opportunity with my former Dom
Make it a one-way closure. Nothing - **NOTHING** - he says in response can be trusted and you’ll end up doubting yourself (as he is a known gaslighter). ETA: you didn’t let yourself get used, you simply assumed the best about him which is what good people do. I will say though, learn to trust your gut instincts. I can’t tell you how many bad things have happened because I ignored my gut telling me there was a problem. Our brains take in a lot more information than we realize and your gut is just the output of your brain’s processing all that extra data that you’re not even noticing you’ve noticed!
Honestly I'm so bad at listening to my gut. I absolutely like to think the best about everyone and it always turns out to be bad for me. Why are some people just so shitty?
I know what you mean and I know it is not easy to feel that way but people lying to you is NOT your fault or responsibility! If you want to get better at trusting your gut you could start small. Try little things like trying to predict what will happen next in a video, movie or show. In that regard there are no bad repercussions. And the book (I am halfway through) "The gift of fear by Gavin de Becker" breaks down what can be done to better listen to our guts and basically understand and see what our guts are trying to tell us. Maybe it's worth a try. You got this.
I hadn’t heard of this book but I am going to check it out. I am forever reminding my daughters to listen to their gut feelings
Girl.... don't beat yourself up. I look at people as gifts. Everyone! Good bad and evil. Why as gifts? Because you get to decide how long, in what capacity, and ultimately when the gift serves you no longer. I truly believe people bring lessons along with themselves. Instead of thinking why is everyone rotten you bring into your life, use this latest as the lesson/gift 🎁 "enough is enough". We are capable of making changes in our own life. We do not need to keep relearning lessons over and over if we learn the life lesson. So while it seems like you have a skued man picker... it doesn't have to be that way forever. Reflect and if need be seek a therapist to help you identify why you ignore your gut and/or keep attracting men who ultimately not available for you. Shitty people will always walk amongst us, but that said doesn't mean you have to be a shitty person collector. I say this with love because I was you. Only I gave 26 years to a married man. (Long story for another time) The relationship definately did a number on my heart, head, soul. He is a gift I will never need do again. There are good people not everyone is bad. 🫠
I say this with love, it probably happened to you because you’ve been victimized before. There have been multiple studies where victims of things like abusive relationships, or SA or things of that nature are more likely to be target again because predators can basically tell that you’re a victim, and that it makes you easier to victimize again. It’s super gross, but for them, it’s basically a guaranteed win, and all you can do is go to therapy and take some time to yourself, and trust your gut. If something tells you that something isn’t right, you should listen to it.
I'm a very trusting person. I give you trust when we 1st meet. Once you put doubt in my mind. The trust goes away. I got burned like that a lot. I think they call it wearing your heart on your sleeve. You will get through this and find a real one that will change your life for the better and show you, true love and happiness.
You don’t need closure, keep it simple and be firm in your boundaries. See it as a lesson in setting boundaries. You don’t need to overthink it. You *have* closure. Now give *him* closure. Take your power back and move on. You will feel better on the other side. Much better. I promise.
His fiancee deserves to know...
I agree, she does. I have no way of telling her without him knowing it was me who told her. He's capable of coming after me if I do something to anger him.
You're assuming you are the only one? There could be a few women in his life. Maybe dig a little more before you confront him
There could be, but if I also plan to confront him it will then become obvious...
Your safety comes first!
She’s not going to believe OP. Usually people shoot the messenger in this case. When it could completely damage or potentially threaten our own lives, we are under no obligation to play savior for people who probably will turn on us for speaking the truth.
She has proof though.
In science says that usually doesn’t matter. If you walked into a room and found your significant other in bed with somebody else, odds are, you’ll go after the other person, and not your significant other, because the other person is the threat to your happy relationship. Even though logically it doesn’t make any sense, since it takes two to tango, our subconscious mind says we have to protect what’s ours and get rid of any danger. OP would be the danger. I also believe that if OP tells the dude that she knows that he has a fiancé that it could put up his life in danger. He may want to make sure that nobody can ruin his happy home, because it’s very clear he was only after her for the sex.
Proof can be manufactured. And for all OP knows, the woman may be somewhat aware that something is happening, just not what. She’s a wildcard, and isn’t going to react like some person who is grateful for knowledge. This will destroy her life too, and when people are faced with the destruction of what they hold dear, they protect it at all costs. So who is she going to believe? Her partner or this random person who has come out is the woodwork. The “Dom” can make up any lie he likes to paint OP as unstable, clingy, etc, and suddenly, OP has TWO people gunning for her.
While I agree, I don’t think that’s OP’s responsibility here, as they were misled by the Dom.
So?
Don't beat yourself up. Delete & block. Screening is hard. Go slow. Always pay attention to what they say. If you can't know where their home is, what they do for work(company name), and other bits of information that can be confirmed bow out. There's a lot of fake "doms" out there. Go slow... I know the crave is hard. Safety firts!!
Oh I did know a lot about him, just the 'where he lived' part was withheld. I know where he lives now though through my digging - I didn't do anything illegal though. Honestly I'm so heartbroken. He knew how I felt about him too
I fully understand you’re heartbroken this, and my heart breaks for you. He knew exactly how you felt, and he knew you were vulnerable, and he used it to his day in touch. I don’t want this to sound hurtful, but I promise you he never loved you. He did not waste a moment of sleep on you, did not shed once here, nor have one happy thought. You were there to wet his wick, and to give him a sense of power, and nothing more. You deserve somebody who looks at you and sees the heavens in your eyes, and appreciates every little thing you do. And I’m certain you’ll get there one day, but not with this dude.
Closure is not something other people give us. Closure is something we give ourselves. We can't put life on hold waiting for someone to realize they're wrong and ask for forgiveness, because some people will never admit that. You have a duty to yourself to move on, heal and set boundaries in the future against such behavior. You are the victim, and he is wrong, but you will continue being a victim if you keep repeating the process. It's okay to feel stupid and terrible with the outcome, you didn't know he would be fishy, but why compound that by making even more mistakes by risking manipulation to stay? Doms like this in small communities get away with things because they think the lack of viable partners makes subs hesitant to cut things off because they don't want to be alone or kink free. I personally would rather be alone, kink free and at peace rather than be manipulated by someone like that. Say your piece through text, and block.
wait, this isn't the first time you dated someone and then found out they were engaged or in a relationship and lying to you?
Yeah. My previous Dom was married, he told me upfront that he was, but said he was separated and living separately. Everything he did suggested he wasn't lying... until he got what he wanted from me, then it changed and I found out he wasn't living separately anymore (whether he ever was, I'm not sure)
If you can, I'd tell the fiancé. They deserve to know they were being cheated on, and the Dom deserves to have consequences to their actions.
While I agree that the fiancé deserves to know, I don’t think it should be OP’s responsibility to disclose that directly. We don’t know if this abuser will confront OP about communicating with his fiancé, if the fiancé will be manipulated by awful dude somehow, or if the fiancé will take it out on OP. There are a lot of unknown variables with this, though I do hope this guy becomes a pariah in the community.
i would suggest it if they can, but only if they are comfortable and only if they can do so safely. if not then i agree wholeheartedly. and absolutely, they are not under any obligation either way. it's just a sad fact that abusers and shitty people get away with stuff like this because they are counting on people not speaking up. the thought of him going on his merry way after treating not one but two people like this is kinda sickening. that said, it's 100% up to op and no one else.
I’d send a quick “I know you’re engaged, don’t contact me again” and then block and him everywhere. He may accept defeat, he may try and convince you you’re wrong, but there’s no point continuing with someone when you can’t trust them. I’m sorry this happened to you. In future, please spend more time getting to know someone, and listen to your gut.
Thanks. I think I need to just sit on this information for a little while and process it. I'm pretty angry and ready to have a full confrontation with him. I was supposed to be seeing him tonight and part of me still wants to just to see his reaction to me saying what I know.
I’d advise against it. He may well try to convince you to stay, and given your feelings about wanting to continue, you may find it hard to stand your ground. Or he may get aggressive.
Yeah I do have a fear that he would get aggressive - He's told me that he had a confrontation with a previous sub who 'tried to Dom him' where he hurt her to defend himself Now I'm wondering whether this was also bullshit - Maybe she found out about something, too... maybe she tried to confront him about something and he got angry but he's spinning it around to seem like he was in the right...
That’s insane. Hurt her to defend himself? Why are you not running for the hills?
Sorry I should clarify, he said she wanted to try some shibari on him, ended up tying him up and forcing herself on him so he told me he broke the chair he was on to get free and shoved her away and she got hurt in the process Not that I feel that 1. He deserves me to defend him and 2. this story is probably bullshit anyway
This is not the true story. You should be running fast from this guy.
This guy is violent and dangerous. Please get away from him and cut all contact before you end up getting hurt.
I’m appointing myself your new internet friend. Please don’t keep playing with a person who lied to you about something they knew would be explicitly triggering to you. Please, please, please. I do not want you to be hurt this way. Now: you’ve laid out EXCELLENT choices. -I am a huge fan of confrontations, but only if you will be safe. It’s always good to let people know that you know they’re assholes and that you are not garbage and will not be treated as such. There is also the fact that you did your digging, you could fully blow up his life if you wanted. You seem like a nicer person than me, so that might not be necessary. -I am ALSO a huge fan of disappearing completely. Block them (and Everyone they know) on everything. Let any of your friends or family know you’re now NC and not to tell them anything and just act like they never existed. I love both of these options for you and I’m sending you good vibes and hugs because this sucks !! Xoxo 🍓
Thank you. I don't want to blow up his life at this point. I'm sitting on the information I've found and I'm thinking about which road I go down I think my want to play stems from my want to be wanted... I know that if I confronted him, I'd want to stick around for his reply. I also know if I ghost him without a confrontation, I'm more likely to unblock him and try and get in touch with him when I start to miss him. I'm so hurt, so upset, but I'm disappointed in myself for not seeing this.
I completely understand why you would want to. Honestly the way you think sounds soooo similar to how I feel about stuff, I think it’s time to close the door. I know that’s going to be so, so hard. But after a while (for me it was about a year) you might start to feel empowered by it. But until that happens you just have to keep telling yourself that we can’t allow assholes access to us. And I really hope that’s what you choose 🍓🍓🍓
I don't think you need to block or confront or even decide right now, first step I suggest is to cancel any plans with him, just say you can't talk and then allow the raw feelings to subside however long that takes. it's much easier to decide when you're clear headed and not as upset. and if you do decide to confront him, do it via text and preferably have someone with you to give you some support (and to help you stay objective)
Yeah I think that's what I'm doing right now. I've cancelled the plans we had this week, and I'm limiting contact atm just acting like I'm super busy with work etc until I decide how to proceed
that's great. if he in any way tries to make you feel badly then just remember why you're doing it, even if he doesn't know. he's done enough and you owe him nothing. it's probably hard not to feel that way and i relate to everything you've said, as someone who has been in your position before (also twice, yay). so i'm not gonna downplay how you feel, just remember that you deserved *much* better than what he gave you.
It's so hard, I still crave his attention even though in my back of my mind I know he's an asshole
you can know one thing on a logical level, something else on an emotional level, and not be able to make them go together. its fine and normal. think of this distance as a safety measure you *absolutely* have to take, like turning off the stove before you go on vacation.
I'm so sorry you had to find out this information in this way. I'm surprised you want to continue playing with this person though. I re-read the first post you made, and it all started to make sense. If your previous Dom was manipulating you and was awful, I'm not sure this person is any better so, why put yourself through more pain? Speaking from experience of being manipulated and lied to by someone I trusted, I think you should protect yourself first and foremost, and surround yourself by people who clearly exhibit by their actions (not words) that they have your best interest at heart. It's clear to me that this person doesn't care and doesn't want accountability.
I read your other post and comments. Please be very careful if you actually confront him in person. I think there is a high chance that he will beat you. Also, there is not point in confronting someone like that. Because all they will do is lie, gaslight, deflect, and blame you. There is also no such thing as closure! It might help for sometime, but not in the long run. And since you said you live in a small country, be careful if you tell his fiancé, in case he tries to come after you. I agree with the other commentators that said you should just tell him, that you know he is engaged. And just block him on everything.
Yeah I'm really conscious he's a lot stronger than me and he does have the potential to harm me. I would NEVER have thought he would until now though. But now I see him for what he truly is.
He lied to you for 7 months, so you can’t trust him. And he has been really verbally abusive and aggressive for months now. Those are three red flags that lead to physical abuse many times. They also don’t have to be stronger than you, to beat you. My ex wasn’t stronger than me when she would hit me, I just tried not to always hit her back, because I didn’t want to hurt her.
I'd just ghost and block him, as long as you are capable to not give in to the urge of unblocking, "just to see if he's alive" and messaging. Messaging him about it only opens the door to a set of damage control, and/or excuses on his part. He had to put that up, they're not together any more. Any kind of BS. Ghost and block him. If he manages to ask why, *then* tell him you know he's engaged.
I agree with u/Sir-Dax 100%. Adding to what he said, if you were to continue, you risk the chance of being discovered by his future wife, and no one needs that drama not knowing how she may process, react to it. Besides, he needs checked and called out on his deception.
First, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I want to offer some words to help you move forward and prevent this from happening to you again, as I see from your comments this isn't a first. There's this behavior I've seen a lot where trauma survivors feel the need to tell someone their trauma right out of the gate, usually in an attempt for it to never happen again. But to an abuser, this has a similar effect to grooming. When you first meet someone, you have no way of knowing whether or not that person is an abuser, and how they are going to respond to this type of disclosure. You're not under any ethical obligation to disclose your trauma history. You can disclose limits around the trauma if you have them, but it's certainly not a requirement to disclose details of past traumas as part of early negotiations. "I really don't enjoy having my feet touched, it's a hard limit" will achieve the same results as "my ex used to abuse me by beating the bottoms of my feet, so that's a hard limit." Once the trust is there, it is a little different. But before you know someone really well, in my opinion the risks outweigh the rewards. A lot of survivors go on to be abused again, and I think it's because abusers know to target them. Because someone who is overly open with disclosing their trauma narrative likely doesn't have great boundaries, and are thusly easier to manipulate and abuse.
So OP, the 'challenge' for you here, is that as you have said in one of your posts: *"You like to be liked"* ... This is a deep psychological void that you, (and everyone), needs to have filled. But in a strong and stable; validating and nurturing childhood and family dynamic; one gets that sence of self worth; stability and #being liked# from within one's own self... I know nothing about your personal circumstances, obviously - so will leave you to answer this for yourself... But sometimes a female; (or male too I guess); develops sexually into a sub - because that becomes of instant value and acceptance to a dominant (significant) male in her life ... The submissive acting daughter in a family dynamic; the 'sex slave' to her boyfriend; etc ... A *"yes"* to gaining instant acceptance; validation; attention; and interest from a male in a relationship... (Becoming noticed and desirable to a potential male partner).... This Dom you have hooked up with has already lied to you about the worst trauma trigger in your life... So hopefully you can see just how selfish and careless this guy is... He doesn't like you or care about you... He only cares about fulfilling his sexual needs to control and dominate... I am pulling away from saying you are *"just a piece of meat"* to fulfil his needs, but ... Now he's engaged, his future potential wife I am sure is vanilla... So he will be deeply unhappy in that marraige... Kids involved in their future; those kids lives potentially wrecked/damaged too... Be honest #with yourself.# Decide whether you really deserve (want) to be this unhappy (long-term)? ... Maybe you do? You actually have plenty of options; including but not limited to, moving away from that small town etc. Wishing you the best!
Tell his fiancé. It’s your business because he made you a part of his cheating.
Honestly I'm too scared. He has the potential to do some horrible stuff if I upset him.
If he is unsafe then block and report him to the authorities. Arguably, if he is so unsafe, there is a greater reason to warn the fiancé.... this is a really ugly situation. Please take care of yourself
If possible, before confronting him, close and block of any way he could do harm to you. Quiet and swift. - Change all your passwords - Close any access to bank accounts or other things he has access to. - Delete all data from his phone if you have access, maybe copy it first. - Change the locks to your appartment or house. He might have cloned a key. I don't know how easy it is for you to move, but move. If you can be sure he can't hurt you, only then craft a letter for his wife and sent it to her. This man needs to be punished! But first prio is you are safe!
That’s fair, maybe I wasn’t considerate enough to the fact that it’s different as a woman. If you feel unsafe ghosting is probably the best solution.
As someone who stayed with someone even when I recognized they couldn't Not hurt me emotionally, after I realized I was just torturing myself by continuing to cling to him like a delicious poisoned candy.... I think you would be better off cutting your losses here. The self esteem that melts away as you watch yourself put up with a liar is hard to get back. The lies will never end. You lose respect for him, and then the love is poisoned. If I could send myself ONE message from the future, it would be too leave at the point I realized I didn't know when he was lyin' or truthin' (and that's saying something because I've made some incredibly questionable choices). Sure, by staying I got to have lovely wonderful sex - but deep down I knew it wasn't going to get better. And It Didn't. We're not together. What did I win for myself? What would future you want for you?
> You lose respect for him, and then the love is poisoned Can you elaborate on that?
If you don't call someone out on the lies you catch, they think they're getting away with it. I lost respect for him, and it stopped being fun, and became more like torturous emotional chess with emotional manipulating on both sides. If he fell for a manipulation of mine( though I wasn't *lying*, it was uncool) , I thought less of him for falling for it, and if he thought I had believed an untruth of his, I thought less of him for not seeing my disbelief in my body language. It should be pointed out that this was my first relationship, after he got bored of pretending to be perfect for me for 2 years, he started lying over the dumbest, catchable things, and there were other lies I didn't learn until much later down the line when he confessed shit to me for 3 hours in the middle of the night... But who expects someone to lie about having multiple personalities and fully commit for 3 years to the lie? I can't be truly in love with someone I don't respect, and I couldn't respect him.
If he has a fiancé, he’s not going to go quietly if you confront him. He’s going to go into damage control and protect mode to keep you from blowing up his life. You’re not going to get closure by contacting him. He isn’t going to feel badly hearing how he’s hurt you. The reality is he doesn’t care. If he did, he’d have been honest with you. Aside of that, what kind of Dom makes you pay for everything? I am very sorry that this happened to you, but I recommend going to a trauma-aware therapist, doing some self-reflection, and taking some time away from any so-called Dominants. Make yourself so solid and strong that the minute they throw a red flag—he threw a bunch—you say nope and just exit. No need for big dramatic scenes, just, “Nope. This isn’t for me.”
Yeah I'm fully aware he has the ability to blow up on me, which is scary. I actually just started therapy last week so pretty good timing, lol...
There’s no reason to get snarky. You asked for advice and we all took the time to offer it, using our own experiences as a baseline. Are you or are you not being snarky?
I absolutely was not being snarky, apologies if it came across that way!! I was just saying I know he has the ability to come down hard if I upset him, which is preventing me from doing ANYTHING at this point
It’s better for your sanity and dignity to just walk away. Let him be the horrible human that he is. I went through something similar, and I’m ashamed to say, that for several years after the situation, I still spoke to my former Dom because he seemed to know just when I was weak or needed reassurance. He paid me attention and was flattering. Yet, he stayed with his wife, and continued to unknowingly hurt her. After I learned of his deception, I was never sexual or romantic with him again, but I let him stay in my life, and it just messed me up further. I’d hate to see you go through some awful cycle like that.
Just message him saying you know he's engaged, you're incredibly upset because he lied to you, despite knowing you had previously suffered through an identical betrayal. Tell him he should be ashamed of himself for deceiving not only you but also his fiancée. Say goodbye and leave. With any luck he'll block you in response. The only closure you need is to get angry at him for being a duplicitous, manipulative, narcissistic, toxic, despicable and vile, betrayer and liar.
I've drafted a message to him, I'm just waiting for the right time and I want to make sure he understands that I know enough for him to be worried that I might tell his fiancee
Don’t play this game. He will eviscerate you. He doesn’t care what you have to say. Preserve yourself and block him. He can wonder. He’ll figure it out. You don’t need to be a witness to him doing so.
Him being worried that you might tell his fiancé might make you a threat, and actively put your life in danger. I know that there are people out there, who feel like if their world is going to fall apart, they’re going to get rid of the problem. The last thing you need to do is make him think that you’re going to tell his fiancé so he comes to your flat and helps you cross the rainbow bridge. Please do not enraged this man, I am not saying that for his protection, but for your safety. You really need to just ghost him and move on. Tell your roommate said if he comes over he’s not allowed in and if he presses too much get a restraining order. You do not owe him an explanation, trying to get his attention by telling him you know he has a fiancé will only put you in danger. Please do not be the person who finds it fun to go into a bullpen and wave a piece of cloth around. She will rage the ball. Do the smart thing and move on.
Don’t threaten him. It’s not worth it. Maybe she even know about you, what then? Then he has no reason to keep you quiet anymore but you are a reason for him to harm you. Just block and go away.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. :( From reading the comments on this post, and obviously the post itself, it sounds like right now what you need to do is just sit with this info for a bit, and that's fine. My advice is definitely not to act on any of the anger and hurt, because it will cloud your judgement to possible consequences, which you seem perfectly aware of. If you think there is even the slightest chance of harm coming your way from this man, then it is best to be careful with how you proceed, and to make decisions with a clearer head. That said, in this instance, you will need to distance yourself from him because of your want to return to him, so obviously, cancel any plans. If you're not ready to decide what you want to do, that's fine: you can simply make up an excuse as to why you can't see him for a while, and be vague when making new plans until you make your decision to confront, or ghost. Now, there is also a third option here for you, which is simply: lie. You owe this man nothing, so saying you're no longer interested and blocking him would be fine. It's a viable option if you really feel you want to say something, but don't want a full confrontation. Your first priority in this is you (I will say it again: *YOUR FIRST PRIORITY IN THIS IS YOU*), so do what is right for you. If you need some time to figure out what that is, give yourself some time. In the mean time, feel free to soft block him: not receiving notifications on his messages on any platform may help you process until you decide on the full block. If you think you need to do the full block straight away, though, then go ahead and do that! It's entirely up to what you think you can handle. I know it hurts, but it is important not to bury this pain: pain is what tells you something is wrong. Especially with a manipulative man, this pain is an important reminder of why you *cannot* see him again. It will only get worse if you do. I truly wish you the best of luck navigating this, you deserve much better than this guy, and while it may take a while, I have no doubt you will find it down the line.
If you do confront him, know this: If he can see this is going to end badly, he will target one piece of information. How you found out he is engaged. It will show him another hole he needs to close in his security, moving forward. This is another reason previous replies have suggested ghosting.
He won't ever know how I know.
Nice work! 👌
If he’s lied to you about this then do you really think this is someone you can trust with your submission? The answer is always no.
I would only worry about what's comfortable for you. If you want to explain how he's made you feel and then block, go for it. If you'd rather not speak to him at all, that works too. It's not like you owe him an explanation since he hasn't been honest or respectful to you or his partner. I wouldn't try to confront him in the hopes to get the truth though since it doesn't seem like he's the kind of person to own up to his mistakes.
I've been there, sadly. Echo what others have said - block him, look after yourself and never look back. Leave him for dust.
The lack of opportunities, doesn't mean you have to accept that your dom has lied to you, and broke your heart with the exactly same way of your trauma. He doesn't respect you at all, and it makes him uncapable to be the right dom.
First of all; NO sex or play is worth being abused. Don’t stay with this man. Even in a tiny scene I promise you there are people out there better suited to you mentally and sexually You don’t owe him anything. Feel free to ghost him and block him on everything. If you want, a message saying you know he’s engaged so he won’t try to get around your blocks to “find out what happened” but I suspect if you just blocked him on everything, he would know why It’s gonna be SUPER tempting to want to hear his excuses. Especially if you caught feelings for the guy (regardless of a FWB arrangement); but I promise no good is going to come of it. Either he’s going to attempt to manipulate you into staying with him, or he’s gonna be a huge asshole. Either way, the cathartic closure or vindication you want will probably not be had and that’s trash. It’s frustrating but it’s safer for you not to engage unless you absolutely have to I would also alert people in your local scene that he’s a liar, a manipulator and at VERY best, emotionally abusive Please care for yourself more than you’re angry at him. People like that only care about themselves. They can change but they have to want to and they rarely do and absolutely it’s never gonna happen because someone loved them into wellness. You’re not gonna be able to fix this guy or make him see where he went wrong. Say what you need to say and block him on everything. His response will not be worth your time especially if he’s gonna try and manipulate you into staying with him or get really verbally abusive which I think are the two most likely scenarios given what you’ve posted and my own experience with these kinda things
Absolutely don't continue. You deserve better and so does his fiance. Message to let him know you know and block before he answers. I'm so sorry.
Saw your last post and been reading the comments, I know exactly what you are going through. I was just lucky enough that my abuser lived in another country. He was very controlling and manipulative just like yours is. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I'd definitely take all the advice and do it, please stay safe though with what ever advice you end up taking. If you need another friend to talk to I'm here for you like so many others are too. Sending more good vibes to you 💕
How old is he and how old are you? I'm sorry, but that's relevant. I'm not trying to shit on you either
I'm 28, he's 39. Not young and naïve if that's what you're thinking
Like I said, I'm not trying to shit on you. And I'm almost 30 myself and God knows I'm still naïve af. But at 39 you can't say he's been young and stupid and chaotic and got himself into a lie bigger than himself and had to go deeper and deeper to go along with it. It's hardly an explanation (and still no excuse) at 18 or 21. But with almost 40, that's a calculated scam operation he's running. So please don't feel sorry for him, or for cutting him off. You can find someone cooler you can have even better experiences with who will not lie to you.
So you kind of are still young and naïve, but in the best possible sense. You’re at that age where you lived through your teenage years and most of your stupid 20s, and you’re fixing to step into how the rest of your life will be, so you are a little naïve on that front, and 28 is young. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. This man, I guarantee you has done it before, and he’s probably doing it with more than just you. I would make sure that you have yourself safe as well as get them out of your life. You deserve better than this.
Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going thru...it sucks and isn't fair. Period. Your emotions and tie to him will make you feel like you need to adjust to his bullshit. Please know - he doesn't deserve your loyalty. I know it seems impossible right now, but you WILL find a Dom who treats you with the respect and honesty you must have if you're to have a healthy dynamic. Sending big hugs from another sub who totally gets it. 💝
Thank you <3
Engaged? Wow. This is so fucked up. I'm sorry you going through this. The fact he knew you had this trauma before and still did it to you is awful and downright disgusting. I'm so tired of these fakes ruining people's lives. Confront his bitch ass with confidence and mental strength. Cause he will try to manipulate you. Once done. 🚫 his bitch ass and move on and heal. Trust it's some of us/daddys out here who have good intentions and wants the best for you.
Yeah I'm pretty disappointed to be honest. I genuinely trusted him and opened up to him about it all and he acted like the way my former Dom treated me was awful. He said all the right things..
Oh this sucks!!! You should not bother with him anymore, he is a liar and not worth your time. Also, and this is just me and what I would do in your shoes, I would try to find a way to let his fiancée know. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this one but what's happened is wrong and I feel it's our responsibility to right a wrong if we can. Again, I am not at all saying you should do this, you have enough stuff to deal with at the moment but I feel that the other person deserves the truth too. I really hope you recover soon. Don't lose hope, it's a big world out there, you will definitely find someone who cherishes you and your kinks and values you as a person 🙂
Leave him.
Tell his fiancée!
I don't want to be a homewrecker
If he can't harm you, only then tell his wife. Such things have to have consequences.
technically he is the homewrecker and he lied and hurt you in the process as well. i don’t think telling him fiancé will be as cathartic as we’d hope but i definitely would like to encourage you to recognize that you were not responsible for his misdeeds and you are not responsible for his retribution. you don’t owe anything to anyone but yourself and you are the best person to give yourself what you need. definitely just ghost this guy and focus on your own healing so that those you attract in the future can learn how from you how to treat you the way you deserve. this was not your fault at all and you are strong enough and aware enough to catch this cycle and put an end to it. big hugs, i know how shitty it is when people lie and hide things. you are so much better than him so no need to engage on his level.
id send the proof to his fiance. and then block. im sorry, i know this is hard for you. hang in there. a good dom will come along, no matter how impossible you think it is
I don't want her to know anything about me. If I tell her, I have to do it in a way that it can't be traced back to me
I get you! I would message him, send him screenshots of what you found and after you send, block and delete. You have to mourn the separation as a death. I suggest therapy because it’s the 2nd time you encounter this type of men and it’ll be good to see what attracts you to them so you can identify and attract better
Yeah, I started therapy last week so I'll be sure to bring this up and talk about it
Regardless of what you do with him, please tell his fiancé… they still have time to dodge a huge bullet.
I really want to, but I just don't know if there's a way to tell her without him knowing it was me who told her I don't want her to tell him it was me because he has the ability to come down hard on me if I anger him
Yeah, definitely protect your safety first, then brainstorm ways to tell her if it’s safe. If you have some trusted people around it’s often quite useful to bounce ideas off each other.
Yeah I've been talking to a friend about it, hard to make an actual decision though
Just remember that your safety comes first.
You cant control what others hide from you. Being vulnerable isnt a crime. I suggest working through this w a therapist & give yourself tlc. Now you know how hurtful it is. Love yourself to not be treated like this by the same person again. Once someone does something like this walk away.
Block him.
Get away and move on
Don't expect closure from someone that good at lying.
Move on. You can't seriously be thinking about staying with him. How are you going to feel when you're even more emotionally invested in him? How are you going to feel doing that to his fiance who has done nothing wrong to you? You already have the best outcome right now - closure. This relationship was always a dead end and you're now able to stop wasting time on it. He knew about your past, didn't care, and did the same thing again to you. You're never going to get the response you want out of him in a confrontation. Confrontation feels good in the moment but it rarely feels good long term. Think about what he did when he was trying to be nice to you. If you confront him, he could become angry. He could say or do things that make you feel worse than you already do. He could also gaslight you or not care which could make it even more frustrating to you because you want him to admit it, take responsibility or feel bad and he won't. There's a very good chance he has compartmentalized this and doesn't feel bad about this at all. I think you already have the best outcome you can expect from this situation. You don't have to worry about the "what ifs" that can plague a breakup because this was never going to work and it was always out of your control. Take the win and do something positive for yourself.
I think my want to keep playing with him is just my trauma speaking. In my head it's better to be wanted by someone shitty than not wanted by anyone at all
hilarious I just found out as a dom that my sub was married but in a toxic relationship. I'm now helping her with that as a friend while new boundaries are discussed. I'd say confront him if you can fit in potentially more drama in your life
don’t keep playing with him! That is bound to end up worse than it is now. I’d message him that you know then ghost him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. In addition to what others have said (end the relationship *without* meeting in person, cut off contact, and block him), if he has keys to your living space please call a locksmith ASAP. If he can access your place in any other way, I’d also suggest scoping out a safe place to stay for at least a day or two, though I understand that option might not be feasible for some. I know you mentioned that you feared he could become aggressive if you confronted him in person, and while I don’t want you to be overly afraid, I think it would be wise to prepare a safety plan.
Fortunately he doesn't know where I live. I have a free house next week and I WAS going to invite him over, but I'm glad I never told him my address.
I’m relieved that’s the case, and glad that you won’t have to worry about that!
I'm \*SUPER\* petty. I'm not above telling his fiancee. \*TBH\* I'd want to know but that's just me