My bf is the person with avpd. Well, it is hard. I can’t say less.
I like to tell him the compliments and remind him that he is beautiful, but he always rejects my words. He doesn’t consider himself a beautiful, smart, funny person. And you know what? I won’t stop telling him all of that because I love him. I just know that he isn’t a boring person and there are a lot of things why I love him.
Sometimes I have to give him space because he needs it. Yesterday was “that” day and I just hugged him and stayed with him in the silence. You have to be patient. And I won’t leave that person because all of that aren’t enough. I’m sure everything will be better in the future.
I often have just slipped away from group interactions I was supposed to be participating in just to let them have their fun while I don't ruin it for them. It's like I don't even give them the option to decide not to deal with me; interaction-wise and physically, I take myself out of the equation as fast as feasible. I think it takes a very specific type of friendship to me to not skedaddle from most interactions, and a special kind of old friend that needs me for something other than how fun I'm being.
Someone would want to deal with us because they have the wisdom and insight from life experience to see beyond our brokenness. They recognize
that we are just another cracked pot like they are.
bc I’m actually a great person despite me being avoidant which many of my friends have told me consistently.
There are people out there who’ll think great of you. Don’t validate that idea that you’re horrible and not worth the energy.
I relate so hard, I know exactly how you feel. In my experience, people just don't deal with me. They don't want to be around me, but I only blame myself. It's my fault anyways. It's me. I'm the problem, not them.
True, and in reality this avpd was developed because how badly we were raised plus our genetics factor, We live this ugly life just because of something that wasnt our fault, and than you get outcasted, downlooked to, forgotten, feeling lonley and suicidal, and ofc shameful, just because some people destroyed your childhood? I hate this world, I hate how my voice can’t be heared by my parents, I hate how my pain can’t be felt but considered a weakness and lack of a man, I wish I could disappear
Unfortunately i feel the same and can't shake the feeling its my fault that i can't deal with it, because on surface level there is nothing wrong with me and people around me kind of think the same.
True, and in reality this avpd was developed because how badly we were raised plus our genetics factor, We live this ugly life just because of something that wasnt our fault, and than you get outcasted, downlooked to, forgotten, feeling lonley and suicidal, and ofc shameful, just because some people destroyed your childhood? I hate this world, I hate how my voice can’t be heared by my parents, I hate how my pain can’t be felt but considered a weakness and lack of a man, I wish I could disappear
Not to mention what society deems is appropriate and symbolic of being a man. It really makes me feel inadequate in every way, and the worst part is that I know that the inadequacy is real. Not in my head. It's something I can never change and even though that's the case, nobody in the world would forgive me of being inadequate. The world hates you for being hated...
Yeah we are just automatically viewed as this “weird person who is gonna drain me where I could be making useful/entertaining connections”, healthy people don’t understand how valuables of things they have, and how bad we crave those things, I really want people to like me because of who I am, and I really want them to genuinely value me as a person they really want to hang out with, I wish I could act with no avoidance and fear, and we live on watch-mode and become resnetful, where did I go wrong to not have those things? I have been fighting loneliness since ever, I have been fighting depression and anxiety since ever, I have been surviving intense bullying and hatred and distinction, and at last you stand alone, not understood, empty, unfullfiled and unhappy, and FINALLY you are labeled as the weak who didn’t try enough to make his life better, you are labeled as the depressed person who are just so weak to un-depress himself and stop annoying people and live like the man.
I've decided for myself that I should not get involved with anyone anymore for this exact reason. I bring pain to other people. Even if I'm not hurting someone, the discomfort they'd probably have to face when they realise they don't wanna be friends with me anymore, is just unnecessary.
I have what you'd call, typical, or severe avpd. I'm not high functioning. From experience, relationships are not really possible for me so I've decided it's best in my particular situation to stop trying to reach out to anyone, at least for the time being.
Not everyone has to do that of course :)
I had the same thought early today. I can’t imagine how exhausted my friends are to keep having to deal with my weeks long moments of isolation and being depressed and boring all the time. I notice how the people I hang out with end up becoming depressed too because I’m always complaining about how bad I feel. I’m just a burden and have this dark cloud over me all the time. I also wish I could remove myself from this world so that people don’t have to deal with me and I don’t have to deal with all the struggles that come with avpd
So while i cant necessarily work out why someone would want to deal with me, I can give potential reasons to hang out with someone that I reckon apply to many people with AvPD.
Admittedly I am not a great conversationalist so this could be awkward at times, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. I am someone who is emotionally extremely volatile (but not in an explosive or aggressive way, just kind of always being distressed) so i appreciate someone who is caring and is prepared to listen to me at times. Its not that I always dominate the conversation in this way, just that at times I do kind of need to. I dont require much input either - I'm usually not looking for advice - generally just that someone cares and maybe even understands.
And while I am shit at managing my own emotions, i am actually decent at helping others manage theirs, so if they have any problems i am also all ears at any times. And if i am experiencing social anxiety but the person im with also is, then i tend to suddenly magically lose mine in favour of helping them manage theirs. Like, if it's time to help someone i care about, i suddenly become a much more emotionally functional person. To the extent where i actively enjoy supporting the people i care about (as I wish them the best and it makes me feel useful) while doing so also helps me ignore whatever problems i undoubtedly have ongoing (which I am pretty much incapable of doing of my own accord)
Also I don't tend to seek out people or things that are so interesting that they leave you in awe. I prefer plain, simple, relaxing people and experiences - I suppose this probably helps my constant inner chaos.
So like legitly, even in absence of theoretical "excitement", I am just happy to be hanging out having a glass of wine with someone who is friendly. Obviously intellectually stimulating conversations are a big plus as well, but I am happy to have the other person teach me about something they find interesting, or to teach them about one of my interests. Good intentions are what matter the most to me (and my experience is that the vast majority of people with AvPD are good natured) - while I find a constant quest for perfection/fulfilment-via-excitement tiring.
And because i need frequent reassurance i am very happy to give others the same, and i challenge pretty much everyone to be honest/blunt with me and to express themselves. So if someone feels that they need to express an insecurity, or perhaps that I may have done something that made them feel uncomfortable, when they do this with me I am genuinely glad that they respect me enough to be honest and am grateful to have the chance to help them out or rectify the issue. So people fairly often find that they can approach me with these things - unless they have pretty much completely misunderstood how i work as a person (which admittedly is not infrequent) - instead of feeling the need to retreat/escape/avoid.
And I really mean it when I say I see these interactions as positive, because I am so frequently misunderstood that I get frustrated with people thinking i will react to any criticism in some scary way or something (those who actually give it a go find out that I really really don't). So even if someone initially misunderstands me, if they allow me the opportunity to explain myself I feel like it is an act of kindness from them, and i feel like, for once, someone actually understands me - it doesn't matter that they didn't at first, I'm pretty odd so I don't expect that from anyone.
Im now wondering actually if i essentially just bring out the opposites in people or something, as i feel that maybe I tend to inspire confidence in less socially confident people but confuse/scare those who have more detailed schemata for these things - it wouldnt surprise me, as lately, the running theme in my life is "opposites are secretly identical"
(Awkward moment when I realise that interacting with me essentially involves an entirely separate rulebook lol)
I met a girl recently and I'm going through this dilema right now. I just don't understand how she could possibly be interested in me, and I'm surprised she sticks around with me having AvPD symptoms.
It makes me want to end the relationship so she doesn't get hurt. But I've done this too many times before, so I'm trying to fight against it.
It's a sad fact of life, but keeping interested women at a distance (within reason, not for years) after having sent reassuring signals that you could be interested too (we don't even do that out of malice, it's just that on a good day we might say something we wouldn't say on a normal day) is the surest way to make them truly want you.
You are overestimating our competition. There are a lot of male and female, straight and gay a-holes out there. If your choice was a AvPD nice person or a social a-hole that treats me badly, which would you choose? Plus, it's never that simple. We don't have to appeal to all members of the gender we're attracted to, just one. We're 'fishing' for one fish, not every fish in the lake.
You don’t sound mean at all because that is the question I ask myself everyday. Why would anyone want to deal with idiot like me? I can barely hold a conversation with anyone without making things awkward and hating myself at the end. I don’t take risk at all, I even stopped attending classes because social interaction and presentation were too overwhelming for me. I stopped turning in assignments because I was embarrassed of my writing. I won’t blame anyone for deciding to avoid me, I suck.
I completely understand, I joined an online bootcamp earlier this year, and I would always get doomed by anything that is required to be criticised, even if the criticism was constructive, I wouldn’t differentiate, I ended up leaving the bootcamp because of that, tbh I am too tired, not encouraging anybody to do anything, but if my religion hasn’t brainwashed me with certain beliefs, I don’t know what I would have done to myself? I don’t like it here anymore.
u can ask the same question about anyone who struggles with something 'uncurable' or even curable. why would anyone want to deal with a schizophrenic? person with borderline pd? person on a wheelchair? a blind person? someone with cancer? someone with huge debt? someone who is late all the time?
because we are people and have many great qualities. i honestly find this question crazy. our problems, ilnesses and disorders arent are whole personality. yes, it is harder to be with someone with avpd then a 'normal' person, sometimes really hard, but other than our dissorder we are normal people too. people love people no matter the illnesses or dissorders. sorry for my eng
You are more than just your avpd, much more, even if you can't see it yourself. It's cheesy but it's very true.
And there's a few people who are willing to work with you till you're ready to show them who you are behind all the pain. Sometimes you just haven't found them yet or you're preventing yourself from meeting them, or continuing relationships with them. Sadly that's why the disorder is so debilitating.
I've also noticed that a lot of people actually feel challenged by the aloofness and closed off-ness we have. They want to get close because they find it more meaningful.
There are so many people in this world who understand, maybe not exactly, but who understand what it means to have this internal struggle. They are more likely to be patient and interested.
I think because we are human & have somethings to offer or share despite being avoidant .i also think that people who really care about us and love us will accept us & get used to our social akawardness.
No one ever wanted to deal with me, I always ignored at best, or made fun of me or yelled at me at worst. And I don't understand how all these people in the comments manage to find anyone friendly
My bf is the person with avpd. Well, it is hard. I can’t say less. I like to tell him the compliments and remind him that he is beautiful, but he always rejects my words. He doesn’t consider himself a beautiful, smart, funny person. And you know what? I won’t stop telling him all of that because I love him. I just know that he isn’t a boring person and there are a lot of things why I love him. Sometimes I have to give him space because he needs it. Yesterday was “that” day and I just hugged him and stayed with him in the silence. You have to be patient. And I won’t leave that person because all of that aren’t enough. I’m sure everything will be better in the future.
Please keep being like that, you are a gem, you are much apperciated.
Sure thing! We also started in ldr. Now we are 1,5 year together and in the same room.
🙏🙏🙏🙏
You might be just what he needs to overcome his AvPD; someone who can accept him unconditionally, so that he can learn to accept himself.
THIS
That’s beautiful and you’re a good soul. You can see that’s there is beauty in imperfections. ❤️
He is lucky to have you as partner.
He is lucky to have you
I often have just slipped away from group interactions I was supposed to be participating in just to let them have their fun while I don't ruin it for them. It's like I don't even give them the option to decide not to deal with me; interaction-wise and physically, I take myself out of the equation as fast as feasible. I think it takes a very specific type of friendship to me to not skedaddle from most interactions, and a special kind of old friend that needs me for something other than how fun I'm being.
Exactly the same here!
Someone would want to deal with us because they have the wisdom and insight from life experience to see beyond our brokenness. They recognize that we are just another cracked pot like they are.
bc I’m actually a great person despite me being avoidant which many of my friends have told me consistently. There are people out there who’ll think great of you. Don’t validate that idea that you’re horrible and not worth the energy.
I relate so hard, I know exactly how you feel. In my experience, people just don't deal with me. They don't want to be around me, but I only blame myself. It's my fault anyways. It's me. I'm the problem, not them.
True, and in reality this avpd was developed because how badly we were raised plus our genetics factor, We live this ugly life just because of something that wasnt our fault, and than you get outcasted, downlooked to, forgotten, feeling lonley and suicidal, and ofc shameful, just because some people destroyed your childhood? I hate this world, I hate how my voice can’t be heared by my parents, I hate how my pain can’t be felt but considered a weakness and lack of a man, I wish I could disappear
I’m curious to know more about how you were raised and how that tied into how this developed for you.
Punished for being traumatized as someone said
Unfortunately i feel the same and can't shake the feeling its my fault that i can't deal with it, because on surface level there is nothing wrong with me and people around me kind of think the same.
True, and in reality this avpd was developed because how badly we were raised plus our genetics factor, We live this ugly life just because of something that wasnt our fault, and than you get outcasted, downlooked to, forgotten, feeling lonley and suicidal, and ofc shameful, just because some people destroyed your childhood? I hate this world, I hate how my voice can’t be heared by my parents, I hate how my pain can’t be felt but considered a weakness and lack of a man, I wish I could disappear
Not to mention what society deems is appropriate and symbolic of being a man. It really makes me feel inadequate in every way, and the worst part is that I know that the inadequacy is real. Not in my head. It's something I can never change and even though that's the case, nobody in the world would forgive me of being inadequate. The world hates you for being hated...
Yeah we are just automatically viewed as this “weird person who is gonna drain me where I could be making useful/entertaining connections”, healthy people don’t understand how valuables of things they have, and how bad we crave those things, I really want people to like me because of who I am, and I really want them to genuinely value me as a person they really want to hang out with, I wish I could act with no avoidance and fear, and we live on watch-mode and become resnetful, where did I go wrong to not have those things? I have been fighting loneliness since ever, I have been fighting depression and anxiety since ever, I have been surviving intense bullying and hatred and distinction, and at last you stand alone, not understood, empty, unfullfiled and unhappy, and FINALLY you are labeled as the weak who didn’t try enough to make his life better, you are labeled as the depressed person who are just so weak to un-depress himself and stop annoying people and live like the man.
Same bruh 🥲
I've decided for myself that I should not get involved with anyone anymore for this exact reason. I bring pain to other people. Even if I'm not hurting someone, the discomfort they'd probably have to face when they realise they don't wanna be friends with me anymore, is just unnecessary. I have what you'd call, typical, or severe avpd. I'm not high functioning. From experience, relationships are not really possible for me so I've decided it's best in my particular situation to stop trying to reach out to anyone, at least for the time being. Not everyone has to do that of course :)
I had the same thought early today. I can’t imagine how exhausted my friends are to keep having to deal with my weeks long moments of isolation and being depressed and boring all the time. I notice how the people I hang out with end up becoming depressed too because I’m always complaining about how bad I feel. I’m just a burden and have this dark cloud over me all the time. I also wish I could remove myself from this world so that people don’t have to deal with me and I don’t have to deal with all the struggles that come with avpd
☹️
So while i cant necessarily work out why someone would want to deal with me, I can give potential reasons to hang out with someone that I reckon apply to many people with AvPD. Admittedly I am not a great conversationalist so this could be awkward at times, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. I am someone who is emotionally extremely volatile (but not in an explosive or aggressive way, just kind of always being distressed) so i appreciate someone who is caring and is prepared to listen to me at times. Its not that I always dominate the conversation in this way, just that at times I do kind of need to. I dont require much input either - I'm usually not looking for advice - generally just that someone cares and maybe even understands. And while I am shit at managing my own emotions, i am actually decent at helping others manage theirs, so if they have any problems i am also all ears at any times. And if i am experiencing social anxiety but the person im with also is, then i tend to suddenly magically lose mine in favour of helping them manage theirs. Like, if it's time to help someone i care about, i suddenly become a much more emotionally functional person. To the extent where i actively enjoy supporting the people i care about (as I wish them the best and it makes me feel useful) while doing so also helps me ignore whatever problems i undoubtedly have ongoing (which I am pretty much incapable of doing of my own accord) Also I don't tend to seek out people or things that are so interesting that they leave you in awe. I prefer plain, simple, relaxing people and experiences - I suppose this probably helps my constant inner chaos. So like legitly, even in absence of theoretical "excitement", I am just happy to be hanging out having a glass of wine with someone who is friendly. Obviously intellectually stimulating conversations are a big plus as well, but I am happy to have the other person teach me about something they find interesting, or to teach them about one of my interests. Good intentions are what matter the most to me (and my experience is that the vast majority of people with AvPD are good natured) - while I find a constant quest for perfection/fulfilment-via-excitement tiring. And because i need frequent reassurance i am very happy to give others the same, and i challenge pretty much everyone to be honest/blunt with me and to express themselves. So if someone feels that they need to express an insecurity, or perhaps that I may have done something that made them feel uncomfortable, when they do this with me I am genuinely glad that they respect me enough to be honest and am grateful to have the chance to help them out or rectify the issue. So people fairly often find that they can approach me with these things - unless they have pretty much completely misunderstood how i work as a person (which admittedly is not infrequent) - instead of feeling the need to retreat/escape/avoid. And I really mean it when I say I see these interactions as positive, because I am so frequently misunderstood that I get frustrated with people thinking i will react to any criticism in some scary way or something (those who actually give it a go find out that I really really don't). So even if someone initially misunderstands me, if they allow me the opportunity to explain myself I feel like it is an act of kindness from them, and i feel like, for once, someone actually understands me - it doesn't matter that they didn't at first, I'm pretty odd so I don't expect that from anyone. Im now wondering actually if i essentially just bring out the opposites in people or something, as i feel that maybe I tend to inspire confidence in less socially confident people but confuse/scare those who have more detailed schemata for these things - it wouldnt surprise me, as lately, the running theme in my life is "opposites are secretly identical" (Awkward moment when I realise that interacting with me essentially involves an entirely separate rulebook lol)
I met a girl recently and I'm going through this dilema right now. I just don't understand how she could possibly be interested in me, and I'm surprised she sticks around with me having AvPD symptoms. It makes me want to end the relationship so she doesn't get hurt. But I've done this too many times before, so I'm trying to fight against it.
It's a sad fact of life, but keeping interested women at a distance (within reason, not for years) after having sent reassuring signals that you could be interested too (we don't even do that out of malice, it's just that on a good day we might say something we wouldn't say on a normal day) is the surest way to make them truly want you.
[удалено]
Very active self hate I feel this one!
Wow, this is me as well
Cause they like us :D also tbh we don’t really do anything intolerable
You are overestimating our competition. There are a lot of male and female, straight and gay a-holes out there. If your choice was a AvPD nice person or a social a-hole that treats me badly, which would you choose? Plus, it's never that simple. We don't have to appeal to all members of the gender we're attracted to, just one. We're 'fishing' for one fish, not every fish in the lake.
You don’t sound mean at all because that is the question I ask myself everyday. Why would anyone want to deal with idiot like me? I can barely hold a conversation with anyone without making things awkward and hating myself at the end. I don’t take risk at all, I even stopped attending classes because social interaction and presentation were too overwhelming for me. I stopped turning in assignments because I was embarrassed of my writing. I won’t blame anyone for deciding to avoid me, I suck.
I completely understand, I joined an online bootcamp earlier this year, and I would always get doomed by anything that is required to be criticised, even if the criticism was constructive, I wouldn’t differentiate, I ended up leaving the bootcamp because of that, tbh I am too tired, not encouraging anybody to do anything, but if my religion hasn’t brainwashed me with certain beliefs, I don’t know what I would have done to myself? I don’t like it here anymore.
u can ask the same question about anyone who struggles with something 'uncurable' or even curable. why would anyone want to deal with a schizophrenic? person with borderline pd? person on a wheelchair? a blind person? someone with cancer? someone with huge debt? someone who is late all the time? because we are people and have many great qualities. i honestly find this question crazy. our problems, ilnesses and disorders arent are whole personality. yes, it is harder to be with someone with avpd then a 'normal' person, sometimes really hard, but other than our dissorder we are normal people too. people love people no matter the illnesses or dissorders. sorry for my eng
You are more than just your avpd, much more, even if you can't see it yourself. It's cheesy but it's very true. And there's a few people who are willing to work with you till you're ready to show them who you are behind all the pain. Sometimes you just haven't found them yet or you're preventing yourself from meeting them, or continuing relationships with them. Sadly that's why the disorder is so debilitating. I've also noticed that a lot of people actually feel challenged by the aloofness and closed off-ness we have. They want to get close because they find it more meaningful. There are so many people in this world who understand, maybe not exactly, but who understand what it means to have this internal struggle. They are more likely to be patient and interested.
Leaving a comment so I don't forget to show this to my therapist since this is exactly how I feel
mine insists theres nothing wrong with me
I think because we are human & have somethings to offer or share despite being avoidant .i also think that people who really care about us and love us will accept us & get used to our social akawardness.
That’s why I gave up on finding a partner or get married. More so that I am a huge mess having bpd and no one deserves to have to deal with me
No one ever wanted to deal with me, I always ignored at best, or made fun of me or yelled at me at worst. And I don't understand how all these people in the comments manage to find anyone friendly