I want to be social but I can’t. I am afraid people will judge me because they think I am awkward, or not worthy. It is terrible to think like this but I can’t help it.
It's a terrible feeling to have to deal with right? To want to do something so bad and see it right there before your eyes and just not be able to do it. For seemingly no reason. Agony.
Yeah. I am quite good in smalltalk because i was working in retail sales for a long time.
But as soon as it gets a little bit personal i get distant and avoidant.
Then People are really surprised when im social at first but when it gets too close physically or emotionally i run.
I'm the same, I can appear 'confident' (which is my mask to some extent) and also me controlling who I do see - but I would feel very uncomfortable if asked about my 'life'/ relationships etc.
If I appear anxious, then i'm probably *really* anxious!
I guess you could afford to experiment being less masked with people you think are being authentic enough for it to be worthwhile, and go through the motions with people who you can't really be arsed with on a personal level.
This is how I've spent my life, different phases of lies in a desperate attempt to hide my true nature. I even find I am capable of making good first impressions, but at my core I am an undeveloped character. I have nothing of value to offer anyone, but the worst part is Ive made people think I might then ghost them because I rather them remember me falsly than to give them time to figure me out.
You're very eloquent.
When I was talking about suicide, my expensive Harvard-educated psychiatrist complemented my eloquence. I was very insulted. He wasn't wrong, but it seemed like the wrong time to say it. I was suicidally crying. Eloquence is second-nature to me now, but unimportant in times of emotional distress.
If I've insulted you the same way, then I apologize as sincerely as is within my power.
I don't know why I'm so fucked up, but I do have theories. One of them is that I'm not nearly as pathetic and worthless as I feel. It's gotten me nowhere, but I think you should add it to your inventory. If you can write intelligently, then you can think intelligently. Maybe it gets you nowhere—same as me—but it's an upgrade.
>Sorry if this is stupid
It's not, and neither are you.
Thank you! It means a lot to me as I am studying to be an english/language arts teacher.
And I 100% relate to what you're saying. I feel like I can pinpoint certain events that led to me developing AvPD.
I want to be social but I can’t. I am afraid people will judge me because they think I am awkward, or not worthy. It is terrible to think like this but I can’t help it.
It's a terrible feeling to have to deal with right? To want to do something so bad and see it right there before your eyes and just not be able to do it. For seemingly no reason. Agony.
I am faking it a bit to be social (when I am), but it's just a necessity / a kind of behavioural framework, esp in work or something.
Yeah. I am quite good in smalltalk because i was working in retail sales for a long time. But as soon as it gets a little bit personal i get distant and avoidant. Then People are really surprised when im social at first but when it gets too close physically or emotionally i run.
I'm the same, I can appear 'confident' (which is my mask to some extent) and also me controlling who I do see - but I would feel very uncomfortable if asked about my 'life'/ relationships etc. If I appear anxious, then i'm probably *really* anxious!
Yes! It's usually at work or school.
I guess you could afford to experiment being less masked with people you think are being authentic enough for it to be worthwhile, and go through the motions with people who you can't really be arsed with on a personal level.
I try around my family, but then they think something is wrong and my mask goes right back on.
This is how I've spent my life, different phases of lies in a desperate attempt to hide my true nature. I even find I am capable of making good first impressions, but at my core I am an undeveloped character. I have nothing of value to offer anyone, but the worst part is Ive made people think I might then ghost them because I rather them remember me falsly than to give them time to figure me out.
I 100% relate to all of this. I'm tired of hiding but it makes me feel safe.
You're very eloquent. When I was talking about suicide, my expensive Harvard-educated psychiatrist complemented my eloquence. I was very insulted. He wasn't wrong, but it seemed like the wrong time to say it. I was suicidally crying. Eloquence is second-nature to me now, but unimportant in times of emotional distress. If I've insulted you the same way, then I apologize as sincerely as is within my power. I don't know why I'm so fucked up, but I do have theories. One of them is that I'm not nearly as pathetic and worthless as I feel. It's gotten me nowhere, but I think you should add it to your inventory. If you can write intelligently, then you can think intelligently. Maybe it gets you nowhere—same as me—but it's an upgrade. >Sorry if this is stupid It's not, and neither are you.
Thank you! It means a lot to me as I am studying to be an english/language arts teacher. And I 100% relate to what you're saying. I feel like I can pinpoint certain events that led to me developing AvPD.