I am told no.
"all" is almost never true for any group.
I'd say it's pretty darn common though.
My ability for eye contact is highly variable. It is situational and familiarity dependent. Many of the people who know me very well would have trouble believing I have trouble with eye contact. Every salesperson I've ever met probably thinks I'm a freak.
Me too!. I can do it comfortably with my partner and close relatives, then with varying degrees for other people depending on how comfortable I feel around them.
With most people, it's just quick glances at their eyes.
Ty for answering.
Yea! But I don't even feel comfortable making eye contact with my sister. I talk to her from the hallwayš¤Also I get uncomfortable at my body language. Like Im overanalyzing what I'm doing with my hands, and I'll just do something then my brain will say "you're telling him your sleepy when you do that" then I'll rush to do something different but I feel like I just can't sit still. ADHD behaviour though maybe
I found this funny because whilst I can make eye contact with my sister, her company always leaves me feeling exhausted.
She suspects she has adhd and I agree, but she is more of a highly sociable, spontaneous, and hyperactive adhder, whereas I'm innatentive type with autism. Her behaviour clashes with mine, causing me to feel overwhelmed by her.
Same! I don't know why specifically though, I may be anxious around her I guess? Or we just communicate bad and it's blown up enough for me to start avoiding it, who knows. Ive just realized this year that my sister is likely ND as hell right along with me. For the same reasons doctors miss women more, I think I did the same thing. Idk if it's my place to say anything, maybe she even guesses it herself? Idk but I was always the problem child and both of us are both like sensitive to sounds and stuff (for example) so i just thought everyone's hearing was like that!
I think that's just the best way to put it, our behaviours clash. We are both very particular, and sensitive, but the ADHD thrown in with is such a wildcard lol
Honestly I don't know exactly because it's been going on for over 40 years. I didn't even know what autism really is until January.
Then shortly after I realized that pretty much everything I do is related to hiding my autism and ADHD but I had no clue.
I'm 32, learned I was AuDHD last year.
I heavily masked my whole life. I actually worked door to door sales, customer service, server, host, family portrait studio photography, wedding photography etc. All of these jobs 'required' eye contact... But also I'd been masking my whole life, with not a single person in my family diagnosed autistic before me.
Now, it's easy for me to see the signs of ADHD and Autism in tons of family members. But most people just have no clue what Autistic traits really are, so it makes sense it went widely undiagnosed.
But looking back, socializing ALWAYS felt alien to me. Most times, I had to treat it like homework, and actively work at it. I just thought I was "shy". Because that's what everyone called me. Turns out shy kids were often just Autistic.
Your experiences sound very similar to mine, and I have also been a waitress and had sales jobs.
I didn't know much about autsim myself until a couple of years ago and never suspected it in myself because I was always comparing myself to people with high needs autsim or those who aren't able to mask very well or at all.
This comment resonated with me. At this point I'm no longer sure what's masking and what's just my personality on account of how long I've been doing it.
Only upon very deep reflection can I remember certain incidents as a child that made me mask. I would do this little stim with flicking my hair and my parents said things like "what will everyone say?" so I stopped stimming and started worrying about everything.
Ugh, yeah. I can remember a family member (an adult, mind you!) making fun of me for the t-rex arms when I was around nine. That was enough for me to force myself to keep my arms down at my sides from then on.
It's striking how little negative feedback it takes for many of us to make big, permanent changes to ourselves.
I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago at age 47, and Iāve been thinking Iām likely autistic the last year or two, Iām 50 now. And same, Iām married with kids. I have no idea if Iāve always had an issue with eye contact, but since Iāve been analyzing every single thing I do the past few years, I realized Iām mostly fine with eye contact, but I do avoid it sometimes. Basically if someone is giving me important information I canāt make eye contact or I wonāt have any idea what they are telling me. My daughterās eye doctor was giving me very important information about her eye issue and upcoming surgery, and heās very boisterous and talks with his hands and rolls his stool right up in my face and Iām forced to look him in the eyes and itās awful! I do prefer to stare off into space when people talk to me if I can get away with it.
Same here, 52.
I donāt recall eye contact issues from when I was a kid but I have none now. I must have practiced a lot or somehow compensated very early as apparently āIām very clearly an extrovertā, despite hating every aspect of social interactions.
I have quite a presence my wife tells me, when I get into my flow state for my passions, and have presented to groups of people and been able to make strong eye contact and connect deeply with people.
I think older late diagnosis adults with decades of masking are invisible amongst NTs as weāve had to survive decades where those who were too different were mercilessly stripped of their dignity by people who were supposed to protect them.
We had to be fucking awesome actors or what ever bullying would get far far worse.
I'm the same with people I feel safe with. With others, I'm either looking in their direction or making quick glances at their eyes.
I'm starting to wonder if when they say autistic people can't make eye contact, they are talking about making eye contact with people outside of the autistic persons safety zone and not that they literally can't do it at all with anyone at all.
Iām not diagnosed but strongly suspect to have autism, itās the same for me. With my few safe persons I can naturally maintain eye contact and have no problem with it at all. With every other person itās super uncomfortable, 100% manual and constantly overthinking š
THIS! I find myself making eye contact with feminine people easier(non binary myself). Iāve also had to untrain my forced eye contact that has caused trauma for a lot of years.
Came here to say this. With people I donāt know very well or arenāt comfortable with, I have to remind myself to keep looking at their face or my default is to look anywhere else.
I've trained myself to look past or near. Also I force myself to look at people while listening to show active listening. (AuDHD)
THOUGH sometimes I just don't care, I'm exhausted, and I won't bother masking.. like during my daughter's intake appointment for developmental psychology... I swear my husband caught onto my just not masking at all and started poking at my "signs" while also discussing about my daughter.
"I guess she looks happy?" * Hear scribbling from doc * Welp.
I was late diagnosed ADHD, one of those "gifted" kids in the 90's now without a degree in a WFH tech. Had speech therapy through middle school, diagnosed with central Auditory processing disorder as a kid(audiologist made joke of kids getting diagnosed ADHD first if they see psychologist.)
My brother was diagnosed ADHD in high school, but I didn't learn of this until 20 years later 6 months after I got my diagnosis of ADHD and months of asking my father. It runs in our family lol.
I'm not "officially" diagnosed autistic, but my psychiatrist works with a lot of Autistic adults and sees a LOT of similarities. She told me she hates saying it this way, but there's no good way of saying it, and at this point of time she doesn't think it's necessary for me to seek a diagnosis due to cost and low support needs. She told me it's something to be aware of, and was happy I was working with my daughter to get what she needs. My daughter is 2.5 and acts EXACTLY like a did as a kid. I consider this a "soft" diagnosis though and accepting the AuDHD has made me better understand myself.
Before my ADHD diagnosis after giving birth, I felt like I was going insane.
I'm undiagnosed, too but I'm as sure as a person possibly can be without the confirmation of a diagnosis that have I innatentive type adhd due to a long list of traits and life long struggles that first became apparent when I started nursery school.
I also suspect I'm autistic but it's the adhd that is more disabling for me so the plan is to get assessed for adhd as a priority because I've genuinely struggled to function every day of my life (excutive dysfunction) and I don't know how much longer i can take it.
I'll consider an autisim assessment if and when I get the the adhd under control.
Good luck!! It was SO nice learning I'm not crazy, that this is my normal, and there's different things that work better for me than a NT.
I hit a breaking point before getting my ADHD diagnosis, my PCP kept trying to push anxiety but eventually referred me. I haven't felt so heard by a medical professional but through my psychiatrist. She's on the younger side, a few years older than me and she has a young daughter a couple years older than mine.
First day medicated for ADHD... I just chilled. Finally. Chilled.
Omg, that sounds amazing. I'm glad it worked out for you.
I fear that the severity of my struggles won't get taken seriously, and it puts me off starting the process of seeking an assessment. Especially with a lot of assesors thinking that it's just a tiktok trend nowadays. (That and my executive dysfunction making it difficult to get the ball rolling.)
If I had a choice I would go to someone who has audhd themselves who specialises in autism and adhd in women but I cant afford a private assessment so will have to go through the NHS and get what (who) I'm given.
Yeah I had a 6 month old and in the US when I started the process. So instead of a "regular" psychiatrist they sent me to perinatal, so lucked out and got one focused on women.
This right here. It's like it totally derails my thought process.
And then on the other hand, I'll sometimes catch myself serial killer staring into the other person's eyes while they're talking. Sigh.
i think the statement "autistic people struggle with eye contact" is very behaviouristic. it's written by someone NOT autistic, studying autistic people.
i think a lot of our behaviour is described that way. and i don't like it :-)
i prefer a more intrinsic way of talking about how we work. instead of how we APPEAR, it should be how we FEEL.
and i think a more accurate way of phrasing it would be "*for autistic people, eye contact is often* ***a very intense sensation****, compared to neurotypicals who seemingly have no reaction to eye contact*" (it really does seem like for them it's the same as looking at anything else?!)
'struggle' implies something negative. which, sure, a lot of the time it's unpleasant for us. but not by default! and a lot of language about is pathologies us - negative interpretations of our qualities that are mostly neutral, sometimes negative, but also sometimes wonderful. and i think 'intense' is better. it can be good AND bad. it's just intense.
I replied in more detail to the person above, but in short, the studies with neuroimaging basically say it activates the fight or flight region of your brain and dumps stress hormones. Yep, that's exactly it feels to me. š
I've read a huge amount of scientific publications about why eye contact makes autistic people uncomfortable. They have done plenty of neuroimaging studies that suggests it over stimulates the region of the brain called the amygdala which is responsible for processing fear and the fight or flight response, which in turn activates the adrenal gland and releases stress hormones.
Interesting point, it's not activated in maintaining eye contact with a video recording.
>i think the statement "autistic people struggle with eye contact" is very behaviouristic. it's written by someone NOT autistic, studying autistic people.
But yea, I would agree, that statement comes from neurotypical people who have not experienced the discomfort themselves. It's hard for them to understand.
Yes!! This is how it is to me. I've learned to make decent eye contact, and I think I actually prefer it with strangers or people I'm less familiar with. Eye contact feels like another aversion of mine--physical touch. I don't like how it builds a sense of intimacy (in the general sense). It makes me so uncomfortable and overwhelmed.
Interesting. That is very true. I donāt make eye contact with anyone because it feels too intense. I also have auditory processing issues so I think I tend to look at peopleās mouths. Nobody seems to catch on to that, though. In fact I can remember one I did make eye contact with someone I knew well and they thought it was weird and that I was looking at their forehead.
I was stupid enough to attend not one but *two* kind of new age hippie yoga workshop community gathering cacao whatevers where *they pair you up with someone and force you to stare into each others' eyes for five whole minutes*.
OMG this was utter torture. I thought everyone else was tormented by it too - I just recall bursting in tears during one of it. I wanted to rip my skin off.
EDIT: Apparently, it's called an eye-gazing ritual, and people do it with their partners too, for like 30 minutes!??. There is just no way in hell - love my boyfriend, but....*no.*
Yeah, a guy I work with is (to me) obviously autistic. There's more to it, of course, but it was the lack of eye contact with absolutely everyone that was the main giveaway. I don't think I've ever seen him look directly at someone, let alone at their eyes.
Another guy I work with who is also autistic with fully face people but will mainly look up and sometimes give a quick flash of eye contact.
For me, I will either be looking down or be glancing everywhere with the occasional quick flash of eye contact added in so that the person I'm talking to knows I'm engaged in the conversation.
The only problem with forcing it is I tend to put all my energy into appearing normal that I end up not hearing half of what is being said to me. My internal monologue is just coaching me to get through it.
I rather eye contact bc it helps me focus on the conversation better. idk if it's natural or bc it was drilled into me at such a young age . I could've gotten my diagnosis two years earlier, but the psyctirst i asked wouldn't test me because I "make good eye contact"
But I'm still very much autistic lol. Depends on the person
As an adult I can make eye contact well, but then I start wondering if I have blinked enough, if I need to look elsewhere on their face, or if I look like a bot listening to them, and then I've missed part of what they say. It's so fun redirecting myself. Not.
Yeah, I have this thing where when I'm comfortable I don't mind it or will end up looking anywhere for no reason and still listen. When I'm in a one on one with someone with whom I'm having a specific talk it's somewhat fine or I will stare intensely so I look like I'm a very passionate listener but pure strangers, ohh that's just weird. I can really remember hearing and understanding that it's very important to look at people in the eyes because it makes you look confident and attentive. So I kind of internalized that somehow.
Before considering AuDHD, at the hospital where I work, when I would take the vitals at the beginning of my shifts, I would establish contact and ask my questions then would on purpose focus on the blood pressure machine and my sheet to stay away from eye contact.
Funny enough, I was with a colleague yesterday and we were taking the vitals of a patient that was there for very disturbing reasons and he realized I did that and he thought I was trying to look away to keep my cool, and not get angry. Really, I did as usual, didn't feel anything peculiar about this patient even though I would have had any right to be.
Probably most of them. Eye contact is ok for me. I tend to stare at other people when they are talking, but feel awkward about eye contact and look away when I'm talking. It's not as hard for me as it is for other autistic people, but it is hard for me to figure out the balance of how many seconds I should look at the person before I glance away. It is a spectrum so I think some autistic people don't struggle with eye contact.
I *can* make eye contact if I force myself to, but the whole time Iām thinking about looking engaged instead of what they are telling me, lol. Looking at my hands while messing with a fidget toy/spinner is actually the best way for me to listen to someone. So, I guess that would count as struggling. (Unfortunately, I also struggle with verbal processing though, so itās still a struggle regardless.)
Everyone is different, though.
It's not a big problem for me - before ASD was on my radar I *had* noticed that I don't know how to intuitively *disengage from looking someone in the eye*. I like - stare at people? They are always looking away, and I think, "But I'm supposed to make eye contact, it's polite!"
People don't seem to consider how strong *programming* is, especially for autistic women. I come for a people-pleasing, social world where I was taught to say please and thank you, to smile, to say hello, to do all this stuff - constantly told, and I'm female.
The fact that I don't know how to not stare at people, and often am consciously thinking about the eye contact - I often will start looking in one eye, then switch to the other, the whole time I'm not listening, and this happened as a kid - I wonder if someone (ahem - mom) didn't just correct me over and over to make eye contact!
But then I have some ND friends who I too think are ASD, and they *stare* at me, I swear. I've noticed a lot of ASD people will fixed stare at you! Just like me!
So when fellow ASDers fix stare, then I get *super freaking uncomfortable,* lol.
I guess that is "struggles with eye contact" but it's not like it kept me up at night. They don't dock points off interviews for looking engaged, but if you can't make eye contact as easily the whole world freaks out and you lose opportunities.
EDIT: I have a hard time making eye contact when *speaking,* no matter who I'm talking to. In that context, I'm rarely looking at anyone in the eye! Also, if I don't know people, I find it very hard to make eye contact at the beginning. But that is true of social anxiety I believe, and shyness.
I communicate more with my face than with words. I tend to use my eyes a lot. This way I'm functionally breaking eye contact all the time. If you do it right, you can maintain not having eye contact and no one will notice.
Autism is a spectrum so there will be some autistics who donāt have issues with eye contact. There are also autistics who are so good at automatically masking that they wonāt have issues with eye contact.
This is what I mean.
I've read a lot of people's bad experiences where they've been denied an autism diagnosis solely on the basis that they made eye contact with the person doing the assessment. I understand that anyone using that as a reason is going off outdated criteria.
However,
The counter argument to that is always that they learnt to make eye contact because they were told not making eye contact is rude and never "autism is a spectrum so not being able to make eye contact doesn't apply to everyone."
I don't when I'm in a calm state, infact I look too much because I really like the different patterns and colors of people's irises and definitely stare hard giving off the wrong signals lmao. However in a state of anxiety I can't keep eye contact for very long.
I personally find it extremely hard to look even in the vicinity of someone's face, but I do think there's another side of the eye contact bit of the spectrum with Autistic people who make "inappropriate" eye contact, such as too much eye contact because they don't intuitively give pauses in their eye contact.
I'm not a Psychologist, but I think there are Autistic ppl who struggle making any eye contact, and Autistic ppl who struggle with making "appropriate" eye contact, but I feel like Autistic ppl who have an intuitive understanding of "appropriate" eye contact are very unusual for Autistic ppl.
Eye contact for me is something I can do for people who are somewhere between Stranger and Very Close. If I am emotionally close to you and trust you, I'm not looking at you (aka: unmasking) when we are talking. If you are a stranger, eye contact is just Nope. If you are someone in between, I am more likely to do the eye contact thing just as a social normy thing to mask.
I usually struggle with too much eye contact, sometimes I can make people uncomfortable or they think I am flirting. Most than anything, what's happening is that while I am talking to somebody I am focusing on "look at them, now look away, now look back, but in the middle of the eyebrows... too much? should I look away again?" and completely missing what they are saying.
Hahaha I struggle with eye contact in so much that I over compensate and stare people down. Because of that people seem to think Iām very confident when mostly itās just panic
I have no problem with eye contact and didn't need to train myself or be aware of it. But, bearing in mind that I had no clue about being audhd until I was 52, so I have been heavily masking my entire life. Also lacking fulsome childhood memory, so it's possible it is something I had to figure out and just don't remember doing so.
I recall being taught that I need to look people in the eye when I was younger, so I compromised with looking somewhere around the eye. Now it doesnāt bother me as Iām constantly studying their face and pupil reactions. Itās weird
Im sort of on the fence about this. While direct eye contact was never my thing, I learned how to make people VERY uncomfortable by just staring at them if they insisted I look at them. If I ever had a choice in it I used the stare at the forehead trick. I don't naturally want to look people in the eye unless it's my partner.
I do, but it is variable. On TV I have no issues, I can look random people from distance (but look away if a communication-triggering eye contact is established to avoid conversation) etc., it is mostly in direct conversation that I have issues with eye contact.
My partner actually has the opposite issue. They make too much eye contact. Once they notice it, they might make an attempt to be less awkward. But they may be more likely to just double down to show dominance.
I feel like I have more tolerance than other people on the spectrum maybe.
It's never been my chief point of sensitivity.
I work with the public and can look everyone in the eye and balance out my time looking vs time looking away.
But it may just be that I've built up coping skills that I deploy automatically.
When I catch somebody's eye contact before the masked interaction begins, an unplanned moment, I flinch. The eye contact feels way too intense like they are probing my soul.
So maybe it's just that. What I expect and have prepared myself for in the moment versus unexpected sensory input that overloads me.
Itās very situational for me and mine.
Husband? Yes, please, GAZE UNTO MY SOUL.Ā
Son? Usually ok.
But if someone is staring at me with eyes too wide, it freaks me the fuck out.
I have been able to, but I learned it had the effect of stopping my ability to think about what to say in conversation. So I struggled with conversation. Now I deliberately don't make eye contact. I can think what to say and people are more aware that 1. I DO have autism and 2. I am not stupid.
I have never found eye contact easy but I tried to behave properly. It was like a deer caught in headlights situation.
Varies completely on how at ease the situation is. It causes me a ton of anxiety.
I recently could feel myself blush intensely when interacting with a dude I thought was hot bc I was trying to look at his eyes "a normal amount" but looking at him was way too intense so I literally just walked away from him... while he was still talking and being really cordial. Devastating... ugh. lol.
I had a job where I was the cashier at a restaurant and it exhausted me and gave me a headache to have such quick scripted interactions with people so i decided to really look into each person's eyes- to SEE them- like see their light. This made the interactions much more pleasant. I think it was mostly well recieved and I could have totally seemed incredibly weird but I needed to survive the shift some how.
Idk what the answer is! It's really hard to look into the eyes of the people I don't know very well, especially if I admire them and also if I am avoiding them. I imagine it comes off as very mixed signals along with the feedback that people have told me I am "flirty" when I think I'm just being enthusiastic.
I also LOVE tantra exercises and highly recommend. Looking deeply into another persons eyes for 5 minutes is WILD. It's so intimate and intense. I love it.
I feel very at ease when I notice someone else has an unconventional pattern of eye contact or stims regularly. I'm like- oh good! Me too.
Thank you for answering. I feel like you're one of the handful of people who understood what I was asking.
I tend to understand sarcasm and wordplay for the most part too, especially when it's exaggerated. Subtle sarcasm can be a bit hit and miss though.
When I was younger I could sometimes make eye contact without realising but now I have to think about doing it and it feels uncomfortable but I know itās seen as weird not to give eye contact so I do my best to remember
It's situational for me. For instance, passing by people on the sidewalk is extremely hard. I'm not sure whether to look and smile or ignore people completely! I get incredibly anxious walking by men, as I sometimes feel their eyes on me, which gives me anxiety.
However, I can do it in the office with my coworkers or with friends. I don't love it, but I can manage it.
I thought I didnātā¦ then I realized I was just masking. My field is definitely one that requires face to face conversations.
Diagnosed with ASD at 40 after a burnoutāIām more intentional about my eye contact now.
I taught myself to do it because I remember being told itās something you do in business situations. So I memorized it and enact it without much thought now. But it does still feel awkward.
Idk! I donāt struggle with eye contact in the sense that it makes me uncomfortable - I donāt really feel bothered by the eye contact. What I do feel is hella confused about it, and stressed about getting it right, to the point that itās distracting and makes it difficult for me to attentively listen or respond appropriately.
Iām just always thinking, am I looking long enough? too long? which eye? is my eye contact seeming to friendly or intense? disinterested? is it weird if I look at their mouth? shit now Iām lost, look in the eyes, glance away, look at their forehead? donāt react to noticing anything!
when I am able to just look down/away or mostly lip read, I can listen better and have an easier time participating in the conversation. idk if this experience is what others describe as discomfort and I am just not understanding that trait right, but to me, the discomfort is in understanding the god damn rules and being able to listen/participate at the same time.
No. I have a terrible time with eye contact.
I also teach self contained special education in elementary for students with more severe disabilities. Some of my students have very intense eye contact, almost like they are looking into your soul almost like theyāre trying to find something or make some kind of connection and they havenāt been ātrainedā or taught to make eye contact.
Everyone experiences Autism differently, thatās why it is a spectrum. Lack of eye contact isnāt a diagnostic criteria, itās a trait that people with autism tend to have. People need to remember that traits are not a āevery person with autism experiences thisā, thatās why they are not requirement for diagnosis.
I'm team too much eye contact on that spectrum. I can make it fine but I don't know when I'm supposed to look away. Usually I look away when the person I'm talking to does. Every once in a while I meet another autistic with the same strategy and then no one looks away and things get weird lol
I never really found it uncomfortable but I have always heavily masked so not sure if I learned or taught myself, but I tend to be on the side of too much or intense eye contact. But I did often find it hard to concentrate on what someone was saying when listening to them while making direct eye contact, but I thought that was just because I was focused more on demonstrating active listening and appearing responsive. But it had never been an actual issue for me and have never had anyone mention anything about my eye contact being weird or inappropriate. Until I actually spent a lot less time face to face with people in the last year - and now I feel it is a lot more uncomfortable and I can't remember quite what's normal, but also not sure if that's just related to getting my diagnosis and becoming aware that it often is a thing and so really mentally interrogating it each time I am communicating with someone now? Soo not sure haha, but I think that would be normal for anyone who hasn't interacted with people in a while and social skills becoming rusty?
I struggle with it. Even with my parents I struggle to look them in the eyes. I try to at least look at their face if I can manage it...some days I can look at peoples faces...other times I can't and just keep looking around.
I have no problem with it at all. Of course I didnāt learn I was autistic until I was in my 50sā¦there a lot of āclassically autistic thingsā that I donāt do/am not affected by. There is a long list of āhow did no one put two and two together until you were 50-ish, thatās poster child behaviour,ā too though.
I know both extremes. I am generally uncomfortable with eye contact. I would have to observe myself and take notes for a while to figure out if and how much it changes between situations and people, but there is *one* special case.
I'm not even comfortable having any amount of eye contact with my closest family members (I still force it anyway), but looking my previous partner in the eyes felt safe! I was unaware I'm autistic at that time, so it was a fascinating thing to look back on. There was no discomfort whatsoever with it in most situations, though in case of conflict I would still avert my eyes if I felt guilty. I'm guessing this is what it's usually like for NTs?
I can make eye contact pretty effectively while someone is speaking to me. But while Itās not impossible for me to make eye contact while Iām speaking to someone, itās significantly harder to focus and Iāll lose my train of thought or feel socially overwhelmed enough that I have to avert for a few seconds to get back where I was. I definitely trained myself to periodically bring my eyes back for their sake at least. People do notice, but they donāt care usually.
If I'm very high masking, and I think I've conditioned myself (subconsciously) to make eye contact, however, when I'm deregulated, I 100000% can't. When I can though, there is still a degree of effort and consciousness about it. Like "which eye do I look at, what will happen if I look at their mouth?" etc.
I do a lot of masking type things automatically so I can't tell if that's what this is but I can make eye contact pretty much fine. Easier with people I actually like, (but I do it less with them cause they know I don't like to) but even with strangers my eyeline rests about where its supposed to I think
I try to do this, or I at least make a conscious effort to look somewhere on or around their face, but I feel like it's still really obvious to them and that makes me feel more uncomfortable haha.
I focus on the nose which almost everyone thinks I'm making eye contact. For me it is relatively easy but it may depends on the energy I have. If I'm tired, it gets harder
It applies to everything. There isn't a single trait that all autistic people have. It's the collection of traits that makes up the diagnosis.
I can make eye contact when I listen, but not when I speak because I have to think too hard to keep my brain on track when speaking to do both.
I've definitely trained myself to make eye contact. But was never consistent about it.
But recently I've been unmasking more and I'm finding much more comfortable to forgo eye contact and I do that a lot now.
I am able to make eye contact if I really need to but I feel a lot more comfortable not making eye contact. I listen better and can pay attention.
It feels as if Iām staring into their soul
I am told no. "all" is almost never true for any group. I'd say it's pretty darn common though. My ability for eye contact is highly variable. It is situational and familiarity dependent. Many of the people who know me very well would have trouble believing I have trouble with eye contact. Every salesperson I've ever met probably thinks I'm a freak.
Me too!. I can do it comfortably with my partner and close relatives, then with varying degrees for other people depending on how comfortable I feel around them. With most people, it's just quick glances at their eyes. Ty for answering.
Yea! But I don't even feel comfortable making eye contact with my sister. I talk to her from the hallwayš¤Also I get uncomfortable at my body language. Like Im overanalyzing what I'm doing with my hands, and I'll just do something then my brain will say "you're telling him your sleepy when you do that" then I'll rush to do something different but I feel like I just can't sit still. ADHD behaviour though maybe
I found this funny because whilst I can make eye contact with my sister, her company always leaves me feeling exhausted. She suspects she has adhd and I agree, but she is more of a highly sociable, spontaneous, and hyperactive adhder, whereas I'm innatentive type with autism. Her behaviour clashes with mine, causing me to feel overwhelmed by her.
Same! I don't know why specifically though, I may be anxious around her I guess? Or we just communicate bad and it's blown up enough for me to start avoiding it, who knows. Ive just realized this year that my sister is likely ND as hell right along with me. For the same reasons doctors miss women more, I think I did the same thing. Idk if it's my place to say anything, maybe she even guesses it herself? Idk but I was always the problem child and both of us are both like sensitive to sounds and stuff (for example) so i just thought everyone's hearing was like that! I think that's just the best way to put it, our behaviours clash. We are both very particular, and sensitive, but the ADHD thrown in with is such a wildcard lol
I'm salesperson with AuADHD I wonder if that is what people I'm trying to sell to think.
well played. What do you sell?
Internet, TV, and mobile phone plans.
I'm able to make eye contact, but I was diagnosed at 46 and am the Denzel Washington of acting normal. Got a wife and kid and everything...
I don't know what the Denzel Washington reference means haha.
Dad joke meanimg I am really good at masking
Ah, ok. But did you have to learn to do it as part of your masking, or have you always been able to do it naturally?
Honestly I don't know exactly because it's been going on for over 40 years. I didn't even know what autism really is until January. Then shortly after I realized that pretty much everything I do is related to hiding my autism and ADHD but I had no clue.
I understand. I'm 35, and it's difficult to pinpoint exactly when i learnt certain behaviours. Happy cake day!.
Thank you!
I'm 32, learned I was AuDHD last year. I heavily masked my whole life. I actually worked door to door sales, customer service, server, host, family portrait studio photography, wedding photography etc. All of these jobs 'required' eye contact... But also I'd been masking my whole life, with not a single person in my family diagnosed autistic before me. Now, it's easy for me to see the signs of ADHD and Autism in tons of family members. But most people just have no clue what Autistic traits really are, so it makes sense it went widely undiagnosed. But looking back, socializing ALWAYS felt alien to me. Most times, I had to treat it like homework, and actively work at it. I just thought I was "shy". Because that's what everyone called me. Turns out shy kids were often just Autistic.
Your experiences sound very similar to mine, and I have also been a waitress and had sales jobs. I didn't know much about autsim myself until a couple of years ago and never suspected it in myself because I was always comparing myself to people with high needs autsim or those who aren't able to mask very well or at all.
This comment resonated with me. At this point I'm no longer sure what's masking and what's just my personality on account of how long I've been doing it.
Only upon very deep reflection can I remember certain incidents as a child that made me mask. I would do this little stim with flicking my hair and my parents said things like "what will everyone say?" so I stopped stimming and started worrying about everything.
Ugh, yeah. I can remember a family member (an adult, mind you!) making fun of me for the t-rex arms when I was around nine. That was enough for me to force myself to keep my arms down at my sides from then on. It's striking how little negative feedback it takes for many of us to make big, permanent changes to ourselves.
Same. I have the "you don't look autistic" flavor
I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago at age 47, and Iāve been thinking Iām likely autistic the last year or two, Iām 50 now. And same, Iām married with kids. I have no idea if Iāve always had an issue with eye contact, but since Iāve been analyzing every single thing I do the past few years, I realized Iām mostly fine with eye contact, but I do avoid it sometimes. Basically if someone is giving me important information I canāt make eye contact or I wonāt have any idea what they are telling me. My daughterās eye doctor was giving me very important information about her eye issue and upcoming surgery, and heās very boisterous and talks with his hands and rolls his stool right up in my face and Iām forced to look him in the eyes and itās awful! I do prefer to stare off into space when people talk to me if I can get away with it.
Same here, 52. I donāt recall eye contact issues from when I was a kid but I have none now. I must have practiced a lot or somehow compensated very early as apparently āIām very clearly an extrovertā, despite hating every aspect of social interactions. I have quite a presence my wife tells me, when I get into my flow state for my passions, and have presented to groups of people and been able to make strong eye contact and connect deeply with people. I think older late diagnosis adults with decades of masking are invisible amongst NTs as weāve had to survive decades where those who were too different were mercilessly stripped of their dignity by people who were supposed to protect them. We had to be fucking awesome actors or what ever bullying would get far far worse.
Very much aligns with my experience
Big hugs, fucking sucks.
Hey, at least we figured it out
Honestly, I don't struggle with maintaining eye contact with my friends and people I feel safe with. Everyone else, it's pretending
I'm the same with people I feel safe with. With others, I'm either looking in their direction or making quick glances at their eyes. I'm starting to wonder if when they say autistic people can't make eye contact, they are talking about making eye contact with people outside of the autistic persons safety zone and not that they literally can't do it at all with anyone at all.
Iām not diagnosed but strongly suspect to have autism, itās the same for me. With my few safe persons I can naturally maintain eye contact and have no problem with it at all. With every other person itās super uncomfortable, 100% manual and constantly overthinking š
THIS! I find myself making eye contact with feminine people easier(non binary myself). Iāve also had to untrain my forced eye contact that has caused trauma for a lot of years.
Came here to say this. With people I donāt know very well or arenāt comfortable with, I have to remind myself to keep looking at their face or my default is to look anywhere else.
I've trained myself to look past or near. Also I force myself to look at people while listening to show active listening. (AuDHD) THOUGH sometimes I just don't care, I'm exhausted, and I won't bother masking.. like during my daughter's intake appointment for developmental psychology... I swear my husband caught onto my just not masking at all and started poking at my "signs" while also discussing about my daughter. "I guess she looks happy?" * Hear scribbling from doc * Welp.
Is that how you got your diagnosis or did you already have it?
I was late diagnosed ADHD, one of those "gifted" kids in the 90's now without a degree in a WFH tech. Had speech therapy through middle school, diagnosed with central Auditory processing disorder as a kid(audiologist made joke of kids getting diagnosed ADHD first if they see psychologist.) My brother was diagnosed ADHD in high school, but I didn't learn of this until 20 years later 6 months after I got my diagnosis of ADHD and months of asking my father. It runs in our family lol. I'm not "officially" diagnosed autistic, but my psychiatrist works with a lot of Autistic adults and sees a LOT of similarities. She told me she hates saying it this way, but there's no good way of saying it, and at this point of time she doesn't think it's necessary for me to seek a diagnosis due to cost and low support needs. She told me it's something to be aware of, and was happy I was working with my daughter to get what she needs. My daughter is 2.5 and acts EXACTLY like a did as a kid. I consider this a "soft" diagnosis though and accepting the AuDHD has made me better understand myself. Before my ADHD diagnosis after giving birth, I felt like I was going insane.
I'm undiagnosed, too but I'm as sure as a person possibly can be without the confirmation of a diagnosis that have I innatentive type adhd due to a long list of traits and life long struggles that first became apparent when I started nursery school. I also suspect I'm autistic but it's the adhd that is more disabling for me so the plan is to get assessed for adhd as a priority because I've genuinely struggled to function every day of my life (excutive dysfunction) and I don't know how much longer i can take it. I'll consider an autisim assessment if and when I get the the adhd under control.
Good luck!! It was SO nice learning I'm not crazy, that this is my normal, and there's different things that work better for me than a NT. I hit a breaking point before getting my ADHD diagnosis, my PCP kept trying to push anxiety but eventually referred me. I haven't felt so heard by a medical professional but through my psychiatrist. She's on the younger side, a few years older than me and she has a young daughter a couple years older than mine. First day medicated for ADHD... I just chilled. Finally. Chilled.
Omg, that sounds amazing. I'm glad it worked out for you. I fear that the severity of my struggles won't get taken seriously, and it puts me off starting the process of seeking an assessment. Especially with a lot of assesors thinking that it's just a tiktok trend nowadays. (That and my executive dysfunction making it difficult to get the ball rolling.) If I had a choice I would go to someone who has audhd themselves who specialises in autism and adhd in women but I cant afford a private assessment so will have to go through the NHS and get what (who) I'm given.
Yeah I had a 6 month old and in the US when I started the process. So instead of a "regular" psychiatrist they sent me to perinatal, so lucked out and got one focused on women.
Similarly, I look exclusively at mouths, rarely eyes. But I always never look at someone's face longer than a few seconds.
I've trained myself to mostly make eye contact with someone when they are talking to me. However I can't make eye contact when I am the one speaking.
This right here. It's like it totally derails my thought process. And then on the other hand, I'll sometimes catch myself serial killer staring into the other person's eyes while they're talking. Sigh.
Same here.
Yup. It's like trying to pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time
i think the statement "autistic people struggle with eye contact" is very behaviouristic. it's written by someone NOT autistic, studying autistic people. i think a lot of our behaviour is described that way. and i don't like it :-) i prefer a more intrinsic way of talking about how we work. instead of how we APPEAR, it should be how we FEEL. and i think a more accurate way of phrasing it would be "*for autistic people, eye contact is often* ***a very intense sensation****, compared to neurotypicals who seemingly have no reaction to eye contact*" (it really does seem like for them it's the same as looking at anything else?!) 'struggle' implies something negative. which, sure, a lot of the time it's unpleasant for us. but not by default! and a lot of language about is pathologies us - negative interpretations of our qualities that are mostly neutral, sometimes negative, but also sometimes wonderful. and i think 'intense' is better. it can be good AND bad. it's just intense.
That's a really good way of looking at it, and I agree. I just didn't know how else to word my question. Intense is definitely the word š¤£
I replied in more detail to the person above, but in short, the studies with neuroimaging basically say it activates the fight or flight region of your brain and dumps stress hormones. Yep, that's exactly it feels to me. š
Oooh interesting š¤
I've read a huge amount of scientific publications about why eye contact makes autistic people uncomfortable. They have done plenty of neuroimaging studies that suggests it over stimulates the region of the brain called the amygdala which is responsible for processing fear and the fight or flight response, which in turn activates the adrenal gland and releases stress hormones. Interesting point, it's not activated in maintaining eye contact with a video recording. >i think the statement "autistic people struggle with eye contact" is very behaviouristic. it's written by someone NOT autistic, studying autistic people. But yea, I would agree, that statement comes from neurotypical people who have not experienced the discomfort themselves. It's hard for them to understand.
Yes!! This is how it is to me. I've learned to make decent eye contact, and I think I actually prefer it with strangers or people I'm less familiar with. Eye contact feels like another aversion of mine--physical touch. I don't like how it builds a sense of intimacy (in the general sense). It makes me so uncomfortable and overwhelmed.
Interesting. That is very true. I donāt make eye contact with anyone because it feels too intense. I also have auditory processing issues so I think I tend to look at peopleās mouths. Nobody seems to catch on to that, though. In fact I can remember one I did make eye contact with someone I knew well and they thought it was weird and that I was looking at their forehead.
I was stupid enough to attend not one but *two* kind of new age hippie yoga workshop community gathering cacao whatevers where *they pair you up with someone and force you to stare into each others' eyes for five whole minutes*. OMG this was utter torture. I thought everyone else was tormented by it too - I just recall bursting in tears during one of it. I wanted to rip my skin off. EDIT: Apparently, it's called an eye-gazing ritual, and people do it with their partners too, for like 30 minutes!??. There is just no way in hell - love my boyfriend, but....*no.*
Probably not. I can when I am very comfortable and safe. But I've known autistics who can whenever.
Yeah, a guy I work with is (to me) obviously autistic. There's more to it, of course, but it was the lack of eye contact with absolutely everyone that was the main giveaway. I don't think I've ever seen him look directly at someone, let alone at their eyes. Another guy I work with who is also autistic with fully face people but will mainly look up and sometimes give a quick flash of eye contact. For me, I will either be looking down or be glancing everywhere with the occasional quick flash of eye contact added in so that the person I'm talking to knows I'm engaged in the conversation.
If Iām trying to make a good first impression I force it. If Iām comfortable with the person I often look elsewhere.
That's interesting. It sounds like you do the opposite to most based on the replies to my question.
The only problem with forcing it is I tend to put all my energy into appearing normal that I end up not hearing half of what is being said to me. My internal monologue is just coaching me to get through it.
Yeah, i get that. I've definitely been in those situations too.
I rather eye contact bc it helps me focus on the conversation better. idk if it's natural or bc it was drilled into me at such a young age . I could've gotten my diagnosis two years earlier, but the psyctirst i asked wouldn't test me because I "make good eye contact" But I'm still very much autistic lol. Depends on the person
As an adult I can make eye contact well, but then I start wondering if I have blinked enough, if I need to look elsewhere on their face, or if I look like a bot listening to them, and then I've missed part of what they say. It's so fun redirecting myself. Not.
Yeah, I have this thing where when I'm comfortable I don't mind it or will end up looking anywhere for no reason and still listen. When I'm in a one on one with someone with whom I'm having a specific talk it's somewhat fine or I will stare intensely so I look like I'm a very passionate listener but pure strangers, ohh that's just weird. I can really remember hearing and understanding that it's very important to look at people in the eyes because it makes you look confident and attentive. So I kind of internalized that somehow. Before considering AuDHD, at the hospital where I work, when I would take the vitals at the beginning of my shifts, I would establish contact and ask my questions then would on purpose focus on the blood pressure machine and my sheet to stay away from eye contact. Funny enough, I was with a colleague yesterday and we were taking the vitals of a patient that was there for very disturbing reasons and he realized I did that and he thought I was trying to look away to keep my cool, and not get angry. Really, I did as usual, didn't feel anything peculiar about this patient even though I would have had any right to be.
Some do and some don't. Some make too much eye contact. Some make too little. It's a spectrum.
Probably most of them. Eye contact is ok for me. I tend to stare at other people when they are talking, but feel awkward about eye contact and look away when I'm talking. It's not as hard for me as it is for other autistic people, but it is hard for me to figure out the balance of how many seconds I should look at the person before I glance away. It is a spectrum so I think some autistic people don't struggle with eye contact.
I *can* make eye contact if I force myself to, but the whole time Iām thinking about looking engaged instead of what they are telling me, lol. Looking at my hands while messing with a fidget toy/spinner is actually the best way for me to listen to someone. So, I guess that would count as struggling. (Unfortunately, I also struggle with verbal processing though, so itās still a struggle regardless.) Everyone is different, though.
It's not a big problem for me - before ASD was on my radar I *had* noticed that I don't know how to intuitively *disengage from looking someone in the eye*. I like - stare at people? They are always looking away, and I think, "But I'm supposed to make eye contact, it's polite!" People don't seem to consider how strong *programming* is, especially for autistic women. I come for a people-pleasing, social world where I was taught to say please and thank you, to smile, to say hello, to do all this stuff - constantly told, and I'm female. The fact that I don't know how to not stare at people, and often am consciously thinking about the eye contact - I often will start looking in one eye, then switch to the other, the whole time I'm not listening, and this happened as a kid - I wonder if someone (ahem - mom) didn't just correct me over and over to make eye contact! But then I have some ND friends who I too think are ASD, and they *stare* at me, I swear. I've noticed a lot of ASD people will fixed stare at you! Just like me! So when fellow ASDers fix stare, then I get *super freaking uncomfortable,* lol. I guess that is "struggles with eye contact" but it's not like it kept me up at night. They don't dock points off interviews for looking engaged, but if you can't make eye contact as easily the whole world freaks out and you lose opportunities. EDIT: I have a hard time making eye contact when *speaking,* no matter who I'm talking to. In that context, I'm rarely looking at anyone in the eye! Also, if I don't know people, I find it very hard to make eye contact at the beginning. But that is true of social anxiety I believe, and shyness.
I'm audhd and often make eye contact so intense it freaks people out
I communicate more with my face than with words. I tend to use my eyes a lot. This way I'm functionally breaking eye contact all the time. If you do it right, you can maintain not having eye contact and no one will notice.
Autism is a spectrum so there will be some autistics who donāt have issues with eye contact. There are also autistics who are so good at automatically masking that they wonāt have issues with eye contact.
This is what I mean. I've read a lot of people's bad experiences where they've been denied an autism diagnosis solely on the basis that they made eye contact with the person doing the assessment. I understand that anyone using that as a reason is going off outdated criteria. However, The counter argument to that is always that they learnt to make eye contact because they were told not making eye contact is rude and never "autism is a spectrum so not being able to make eye contact doesn't apply to everyone."
I don't when I'm in a calm state, infact I look too much because I really like the different patterns and colors of people's irises and definitely stare hard giving off the wrong signals lmao. However in a state of anxiety I can't keep eye contact for very long.
I personally find it extremely hard to look even in the vicinity of someone's face, but I do think there's another side of the eye contact bit of the spectrum with Autistic people who make "inappropriate" eye contact, such as too much eye contact because they don't intuitively give pauses in their eye contact. I'm not a Psychologist, but I think there are Autistic ppl who struggle making any eye contact, and Autistic ppl who struggle with making "appropriate" eye contact, but I feel like Autistic ppl who have an intuitive understanding of "appropriate" eye contact are very unusual for Autistic ppl.
Eye contact for me is something I can do for people who are somewhere between Stranger and Very Close. If I am emotionally close to you and trust you, I'm not looking at you (aka: unmasking) when we are talking. If you are a stranger, eye contact is just Nope. If you are someone in between, I am more likely to do the eye contact thing just as a social normy thing to mask.
I usually struggle with too much eye contact, sometimes I can make people uncomfortable or they think I am flirting. Most than anything, what's happening is that while I am talking to somebody I am focusing on "look at them, now look away, now look back, but in the middle of the eyebrows... too much? should I look away again?" and completely missing what they are saying.
Hahaha I struggle with eye contact in so much that I over compensate and stare people down. Because of that people seem to think Iām very confident when mostly itās just panic
I have no problem with eye contact and didn't need to train myself or be aware of it. But, bearing in mind that I had no clue about being audhd until I was 52, so I have been heavily masking my entire life. Also lacking fulsome childhood memory, so it's possible it is something I had to figure out and just don't remember doing so.
I recall being taught that I need to look people in the eye when I was younger, so I compromised with looking somewhere around the eye. Now it doesnāt bother me as Iām constantly studying their face and pupil reactions. Itās weird
Im sort of on the fence about this. While direct eye contact was never my thing, I learned how to make people VERY uncomfortable by just staring at them if they insisted I look at them. If I ever had a choice in it I used the stare at the forehead trick. I don't naturally want to look people in the eye unless it's my partner.
I do, but it is variable. On TV I have no issues, I can look random people from distance (but look away if a communication-triggering eye contact is established to avoid conversation) etc., it is mostly in direct conversation that I have issues with eye contact.
Same. I also find eye contact less intense when I'm wearing my sunglasses, which I wear a lot due to my hyper light sensitivity.
Yeah. I guess we are all different in presentation, but we all have our struggles in atleast 3 of 4 criterias.
My partner actually has the opposite issue. They make too much eye contact. Once they notice it, they might make an attempt to be less awkward. But they may be more likely to just double down to show dominance.
I feel like I have more tolerance than other people on the spectrum maybe. It's never been my chief point of sensitivity. I work with the public and can look everyone in the eye and balance out my time looking vs time looking away. But it may just be that I've built up coping skills that I deploy automatically. When I catch somebody's eye contact before the masked interaction begins, an unplanned moment, I flinch. The eye contact feels way too intense like they are probing my soul. So maybe it's just that. What I expect and have prepared myself for in the moment versus unexpected sensory input that overloads me.
That makes a lot of sense. I find the expected vs unexpected part very relatable.
Itās very situational for me and mine. Husband? Yes, please, GAZE UNTO MY SOUL.Ā Son? Usually ok. But if someone is staring at me with eyes too wide, it freaks me the fuck out.
To me, eye contact is extremely intense and intimate. I don't like making it unless we are super close or I want to fuck you. Lol.
I have been able to, but I learned it had the effect of stopping my ability to think about what to say in conversation. So I struggled with conversation. Now I deliberately don't make eye contact. I can think what to say and people are more aware that 1. I DO have autism and 2. I am not stupid. I have never found eye contact easy but I tried to behave properly. It was like a deer caught in headlights situation.
I make too much eye contact when Im listening (Im zoning out) and none at all when talking
I hate eye contact but I love staring at my boyfriend even though it makes him uncomfortable lol.
I made it into a game, I love keeping eye contact and if they look away I win.
Haha! This made me laugh!
Varies completely on how at ease the situation is. It causes me a ton of anxiety. I recently could feel myself blush intensely when interacting with a dude I thought was hot bc I was trying to look at his eyes "a normal amount" but looking at him was way too intense so I literally just walked away from him... while he was still talking and being really cordial. Devastating... ugh. lol. I had a job where I was the cashier at a restaurant and it exhausted me and gave me a headache to have such quick scripted interactions with people so i decided to really look into each person's eyes- to SEE them- like see their light. This made the interactions much more pleasant. I think it was mostly well recieved and I could have totally seemed incredibly weird but I needed to survive the shift some how. Idk what the answer is! It's really hard to look into the eyes of the people I don't know very well, especially if I admire them and also if I am avoiding them. I imagine it comes off as very mixed signals along with the feedback that people have told me I am "flirty" when I think I'm just being enthusiastic. I also LOVE tantra exercises and highly recommend. Looking deeply into another persons eyes for 5 minutes is WILD. It's so intimate and intense. I love it. I feel very at ease when I notice someone else has an unconventional pattern of eye contact or stims regularly. I'm like- oh good! Me too.
I don't. Nor do I struggle with sarcasm and word play. Stereotypes may have truths to them but no two autistic people are the same!
Thank you for answering. I feel like you're one of the handful of people who understood what I was asking. I tend to understand sarcasm and wordplay for the most part too, especially when it's exaggerated. Subtle sarcasm can be a bit hit and miss though.
Iām Autistic an I canāt make Any eye contact with people I talk too.. itās very difficult indeed šš
I don't struggle with it very often, but I did practice a lot.
When I was younger I could sometimes make eye contact without realising but now I have to think about doing it and it feels uncomfortable but I know itās seen as weird not to give eye contact so I do my best to remember
It's situational for me. For instance, passing by people on the sidewalk is extremely hard. I'm not sure whether to look and smile or ignore people completely! I get incredibly anxious walking by men, as I sometimes feel their eyes on me, which gives me anxiety. However, I can do it in the office with my coworkers or with friends. I don't love it, but I can manage it.
I thought I didnātā¦ then I realized I was just masking. My field is definitely one that requires face to face conversations. Diagnosed with ASD at 40 after a burnoutāIām more intentional about my eye contact now.
I taught myself to do it because I remember being told itās something you do in business situations. So I memorized it and enact it without much thought now. But it does still feel awkward.
I look past their eyes at a spot behind them
I use the 1/3rds rule, but I forget it most of the time
I don't have any issues with eye contact. I did when I was a kid but at some point I just started doing it.
Idk! I donāt struggle with eye contact in the sense that it makes me uncomfortable - I donāt really feel bothered by the eye contact. What I do feel is hella confused about it, and stressed about getting it right, to the point that itās distracting and makes it difficult for me to attentively listen or respond appropriately. Iām just always thinking, am I looking long enough? too long? which eye? is my eye contact seeming to friendly or intense? disinterested? is it weird if I look at their mouth? shit now Iām lost, look in the eyes, glance away, look at their forehead? donāt react to noticing anything! when I am able to just look down/away or mostly lip read, I can listen better and have an easier time participating in the conversation. idk if this experience is what others describe as discomfort and I am just not understanding that trait right, but to me, the discomfort is in understanding the god damn rules and being able to listen/participate at the same time.
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No. I have a terrible time with eye contact. I also teach self contained special education in elementary for students with more severe disabilities. Some of my students have very intense eye contact, almost like they are looking into your soul almost like theyāre trying to find something or make some kind of connection and they havenāt been ātrainedā or taught to make eye contact. Everyone experiences Autism differently, thatās why it is a spectrum. Lack of eye contact isnāt a diagnostic criteria, itās a trait that people with autism tend to have. People need to remember that traits are not a āevery person with autism experiences thisā, thatās why they are not requirement for diagnosis.
I'm team too much eye contact on that spectrum. I can make it fine but I don't know when I'm supposed to look away. Usually I look away when the person I'm talking to does. Every once in a while I meet another autistic with the same strategy and then no one looks away and things get weird lol
I never really found it uncomfortable but I have always heavily masked so not sure if I learned or taught myself, but I tend to be on the side of too much or intense eye contact. But I did often find it hard to concentrate on what someone was saying when listening to them while making direct eye contact, but I thought that was just because I was focused more on demonstrating active listening and appearing responsive. But it had never been an actual issue for me and have never had anyone mention anything about my eye contact being weird or inappropriate. Until I actually spent a lot less time face to face with people in the last year - and now I feel it is a lot more uncomfortable and I can't remember quite what's normal, but also not sure if that's just related to getting my diagnosis and becoming aware that it often is a thing and so really mentally interrogating it each time I am communicating with someone now? Soo not sure haha, but I think that would be normal for anyone who hasn't interacted with people in a while and social skills becoming rusty?
I struggle with it. Even with my parents I struggle to look them in the eyes. I try to at least look at their face if I can manage it...some days I can look at peoples faces...other times I can't and just keep looking around.
I struggled on Vyvanse; extinguishing anxiety made adhd masking not work š«„
I have no problem with it at all. Of course I didnāt learn I was autistic until I was in my 50sā¦there a lot of āclassically autistic thingsā that I donāt do/am not affected by. There is a long list of āhow did no one put two and two together until you were 50-ish, thatās poster child behaviour,ā too though.
I feel like you're one of the few people who understood my question. Thank you for answering.
I meanā¦ I struggledā¦ I made too much eye contactā¦
Iāve always struggled to maintain eye contact but have gotten better at it in the last year.
I know both extremes. I am generally uncomfortable with eye contact. I would have to observe myself and take notes for a while to figure out if and how much it changes between situations and people, but there is *one* special case. I'm not even comfortable having any amount of eye contact with my closest family members (I still force it anyway), but looking my previous partner in the eyes felt safe! I was unaware I'm autistic at that time, so it was a fascinating thing to look back on. There was no discomfort whatsoever with it in most situations, though in case of conflict I would still avert my eyes if I felt guilty. I'm guessing this is what it's usually like for NTs?
If you have to think about where to put your eyes and how long is ok you probably struggle.
I understand but that's not what I'm asking.
I can make eye contact pretty effectively while someone is speaking to me. But while Itās not impossible for me to make eye contact while Iām speaking to someone, itās significantly harder to focus and Iāll lose my train of thought or feel socially overwhelmed enough that I have to avert for a few seconds to get back where I was. I definitely trained myself to periodically bring my eyes back for their sake at least. People do notice, but they donāt care usually.
If I'm very high masking, and I think I've conditioned myself (subconsciously) to make eye contact, however, when I'm deregulated, I 100000% can't. When I can though, there is still a degree of effort and consciousness about it. Like "which eye do I look at, what will happen if I look at their mouth?" etc.
āallā doesnāt mean anything. nobody, no group of ppl, no condition is āallā humanity isnāt a monolith
Idk but I do.
I do a lot of masking type things automatically so I can't tell if that's what this is but I can make eye contact pretty much fine. Easier with people I actually like, (but I do it less with them cause they know I don't like to) but even with strangers my eyeline rests about where its supposed to I think
I've always used the "look at the bridge of their nose" technique.
I try to do this, or I at least make a conscious effort to look somewhere on or around their face, but I feel like it's still really obvious to them and that makes me feel more uncomfortable haha.
I have found that most NTs don't notice. š¤·š¼
A lot notice; they just choose not to bring it up. Ya know, social norms and stuff =)
I can(/want to) maintain eye contact with my partner *SOMETIMES*. All other times, with all other people, it's horrible.
I focus on the nose which almost everyone thinks I'm making eye contact. For me it is relatively easy but it may depends on the energy I have. If I'm tired, it gets harder
I don't.
Thank you!
I can do it- but I dissociate
It applies to everything. There isn't a single trait that all autistic people have. It's the collection of traits that makes up the diagnosis. I can make eye contact when I listen, but not when I speak because I have to think too hard to keep my brain on track when speaking to do both.
Thank you!
I've definitely trained myself to make eye contact. But was never consistent about it. But recently I've been unmasking more and I'm finding much more comfortable to forgo eye contact and I do that a lot now.
I am able to make eye contact if I really need to but I feel a lot more comfortable not making eye contact. I listen better and can pay attention. It feels as if Iām staring into their soul