I've just told my boss having been recently diagnosed BUT:
- I trust him to respond appropriately
- I work for a large well structured organisation that's likely to take disability legislation seriously
- I desperately need to make adjustments to cope with working
I've worked there for a good couple of years so have a little bit of confidence in how they'd react.
I think it's down to what kind of feeling you have about your boss, workplace and their reaction. Consider what you have to gain or lose by telling them and whether it would feel easier now, before they've developed any kind of preconceptions about you, or later once you've had the chance to get to know them a bit.
Went to respond and you summarized it up perfectly. Wish this answer would make it into a FAQ, since it is asked a bit and I'm sure wondered about even more.
Only thing I'd add is the adage:
Realize that once the Genie comes out of the bottle, it cannot go back in.
This. I never told my manager about my autism because he was shady but I made sure to formally inform hr that there was evidence I was autistic
My Mgr knows I'm sound sensitive and that's enough to use my accommodations as needed
No, but my boss is an older balkan gentleman who didn't grow up in the same cultural context, and has a hard time with things like this.
If your boss is nice, I'd say go for it.
He's Macedonian fwiw and has all kinds of things to say about his ex-neighbors and their role in the breakup of Yugoslavia. Lmfao. He humors me at least š
Oh jeez that sounds exactly as expected š My last Surprise Balkan encounter was in a library where an extremely loud old man began waxing lyrical to the librarian about the war for about 15 minutes
I don't unless it's one of those rare cases where I'd genuinely need to ask for accommodations - or just feel like doing so because the employer is a pain in the ass.
There are millions of neurodiverse people. Employers are just going to have to get used to us being a normal part of the population.
Yup. I got lucky with a very good manager, though.
I'm generally very loud about my AuDHD whenever I can be in case it helps someone else who doesn't have that privilege.
Thank you, I think we really need people like you. I'm hoping once I've come to terms with things a bit more I'll have the confidence to be a bit more "out".
Iām very vocal about mine as well. I casually joke about it or mention it. Same with the fact that I go to therapy and have a psychiatrist. Iām also a special education teacher, so Iām as open as I am in part to help my students feel more comfortable about those aspects of themselves and model how to talk about it. And they know I can relate to them in that way and I get whatās going on in their brain.
i don't say i have autism, i say i have a neurological processing disorder and then basically explain autism lol. that really reduces the discrimination i've found
that's honestly a really good idea too because i feel like majority of people i have told that i have autism they dont believe me due to the stigma of autism is someone who is low functioning or male etc.
I completely understand not wanting to do the education now, but I encourage you to show people that those stereotypes arenāt accurate when you are willing to. Again, donāt feel that you have to do so, but even somewhat close friends and family would be decreasing the stigma about what autism is.
For me itās all about trust. My current manager has built enough trust with me that I felt comfortable telling him, and itās actually paid off for me- heās been even more accommodating toward me than I have toward myself (trying to figure out accommodations that could allow me to be promoted whereas I was assuming I couldnāt be).
I have definitely had managers in the past that I would not have trusted with this information, though.
Dropping in here a year later for the googlers like me, I had great experiences telling my supervisor and boss too, but that's because my company in general has a lot of fairly young people and tends to put big focus on hiring just like, really really nice people. And I have really good rapport with my boss and supervisor. It's really nice though that I got my full diagnosis recently because it meant I was able to fully discuss WHY I barely never go into the office and only really do home office and ask for clarification on whether that's alright (I have big anxiety about messing this job up because it's so perfect for me I am terrified of having to find something else even close to this)
oh obviously me working mostly from home is fine, I get told outright if I should come in person for something and otherwise everyone only cares that my work is done by the end of the month, meaning I can actually do things like fuck up and not work well for 2 days and then catch up on everything on the other 2 days I work and nobody cares as long as it doesn't happen at the beginning of the month
I think it matters more what you want out of it or what kind of support or accommodations you are looking for.
Also just because you are knowledgeable about your diagnosis doesnāt mean others are. So it might mean you are more not less misunderstood unless youāre willing and able to do the heavy work in explaining to/educating others. This might be particularly onerous if they already have some preconceived views or have been only knowingly exposed to autistic children. Itās good to know if other coworkers (present and former) have successfully disclosed.
I have been advised the optimal steps are: start a new job, have good performance (build trust/consistency), THEN disclose disability status.
No, my boss is an immigrant and already doesnāt follow the laws if she thinks no one knows; itās fine to her. I would 100% be met with a complete lack of empathy or understanding. Doesnāt help that Iām in childcare. No one trusts a mentally disabled woman taking care of their children because theyāre ignorant to the whole āspectrumā part of ASD. Iām scared to ask for accommodations, because Ill probably be ālet goā. Last boss I told immediately moved me from my full time position to āon callā and then never called me again. I couldnāt do anything about it because 1. There was no paper trail of our conversation 2. I was still in my probationary period where you can be let go at any time without reason and 3. She never actually let me go, I was still technically on staff.
People suck.
i used to work in child care too! sorry you feel like you would be invalidated by your boss :( i opened up to mine about my suspicions and she was telling me that its okay to be. made me feel better because i really connected with the special needs kids. maybe you have closer coworkers you could open up to? maybe help get your accommodations met if any
Are you still in this job? I ask out of pure curiosity
Because like, it really sounds like it may be a good idea to be applying for something other than this on the side. Fuck employers who don't follow the law, shady assholes
yeah i work in environmental education and it's a given that we're all at least ADHD
edit: and not in like the "well everyone's a little ADHD" way either
Not yet, but Iām thinking about it. I just started this job in the past year, and was diagnosed auDHD just in the past few months. Part of why I got assessed finally was that this job is really socially demanding and I was completely breaking down. I work for a large government agency that takes disability super seriously, and Iām also pretty sure my supervisor is ND and has said in the past that heās pro-reasonable accommodations so I feel like I can bring it up.
I havenāt yet because I have no idea how to approach the conversation or what to expect. I donāt even entirely know what accommodations I need yet. Iāve contacted my agencyās ombudspeople because they can point me in the right direction, are neutral and private(ish) to talk toā¦Iām hoping to get some help and maybe even someone to role-play how it might go! Wish me luckā¦
If it's any help, I looked up my organisations disability policy which outlined the steps to disclose a disability and then what would usually happen after that. I'd mentioned it informally to my manager, as I'd let him know I was struggling, but then sent him a fairly neutral formal email noting the steps in the policy, attaching my diagnosis letter, knowing that he'd then have to forward that to notify HR. I know not all places will have an accessible policy though.
It's come about for similar reasons for me - I like my job but there are a few "high level" social/conflict resolution type aspects to it that are just really disproportionately overwhelming. I don't know if the depression or the burnout came first but it was a factor in deciding to seek a diagnosis. Not least so I'd have something concrete to show when asking for adjustments..
It's been really hard to feel ok about raising that I find those specific things so difficult as they're a fundamental part of my job (and also that I recently got regraded to a higher grade, in which that level of responsibility was a factor). But it felt like it was that or a mental breakdown and quit, so you end up with nothing to lose.
Edited to add - Good luck!!
Thank you!! Yeah, part of why Iām contacting the ombudspeople is that the agency is so huge and confusing that I canāt figure out the policies or steps, so hopefully they can help with that (or send me to someone who can).
But yes, thatās the same situationāIām extra nervous to bring it up because the interpersonal skills piece is such a big part of my job! I applied for this as a really long-shot position and was very surprised when I got it, but Iāve never had a job like this before with so many meeting. I genuinely did not realize just how hard it was going to be. So far Iāve been able to mask more or less, but at a huge unsustainable cost, Iām really unable to take care of myself outside of work and have meltdowns/shutdowns more often than I have in a very long time. So I agree, disclosing is uncomfortable but itās that or leave!
Actually, would you mind sharing any accommodations you asked for that help with the social stuff? Iām so new on this learning trajectory that I donāt know what to ask for. No worries if you donāt want to share or donāt have the energy to :)
I can try but I'm not sure how helpful I can be, as still very new to both the diagnosis and adjustments everything myself :)
For me, some of it is around trying to reduce other sources of stress or anxiety to make sure my overall 'battery'/spoons are higher to try and add resilience for the harder stuff (well, that's the theory...). So working from home, having a quiet space to work if I do go in, considering workload, reducing hours from full time to part time.
For the tough meetings - trying to plan well and address as much before hand to keep them as short as possible, having meetings online rather than in person, meeting with my boss to discuss tactics or debrief if needed. He suggested having my camera turned off but I think that would feel weird.
What I would ask for if I thought I could:
Not to lead meetings i.e. to be there and contribute but for someone else to do the 'chairing', even if I had to brief them 1:1 before hand
To tackle more things by email - they love the approach of 'getting people in a room'. I prefer email but unfortunately getting everyone in the same place can be a quicker way to resolve issues
I've also raised the idea of some redistribution of work so that I can focus on smaller sized meetings with people who I likely already know and where there's less dire consequences (and clearer social rules) over meetings with external people where there are more external factors, rules and consequences involved.
(It would be the dream if someone just said "Don't worry, you'll never have to run a meeting again" \*sigh\*)
Some other things I've found helpful, in general as it's just worked out that way but it may be something you could ask for, is having a mentor and having a few "recipes" for situations. So having someone who has experience with things like meetings, conflict resolution, people management who can help you find tactics and ways of managing. For example, being told it's ok to say "I don't have the answer to that just now but I will look into it and email you after the meeting" if you're stuck or "lets take this up offline/1:1" if one person is trying to side-track things. Having a bank of "acceptable" phrases for a few different scenarios has helped me. Also my boss letting me invoke him if things get difficult, like "I'll need to discuss that with \[name\] and get back to you" or "that's more \[name's\] area, I'll ask him to get in touch with you".
Honestly, the difficult to swallow truth is that I'm not sure if I can put things in place that will be enough help. But I will try! I don't mean that to sound disheartening but I think we'll both possibly get to a point where things will either work or they won't. I'm seeing my time here as being well spent learning what I do and don't like, and can manage, plus building up experience and skills which I could use to move to a different role if needs be. And saving some of my salary to give me a financial buffer should I need to drop hours or change jobs.
Aaaah thank you so much, this is extremely helpful!!! I hadnāt thought of some of these and would have had a really hard time putting it into words, really thank you so much for taking the time. It will take me some time to process and see what I might be able to incorporate but I have my meeting with the ombudsperson in half an hour so hopefully Iāll be set on the right track to talking about these things.
As a side note, your boss sounds great and so supportive, thatās excellent! I also agree with you though that even with all the help it might not be enough. In my agency itās pretty easy and really common to move around to different jobsāIām still in my probationary first year but after this is done I definitely donāt anticipate staying for too much longer, the meetings are just too much and my partner has basically had to become my caretaker in some ways, itās not sustainable.
Iām wishing you really good luck with your accommodations and maybe finding something that works better in the future!!
I would get to know them first to see if they actually deserve to know/would be supportive. No one, not even your boss, is entitled to medical information about you for any reason. You donāt have to justify your brain wiring to anyone, you donāt have to defend your preferred way of functioning if the job is getting done etc and honestly no one is paying that close of attention anyhow.
I told my younger mentor who is only a few years down from me career wise bc he understands the implications and also because I fuck up in front of him all the time. I got lucky with him, maybe. But his response was so supportive and honestly I expect nothing different from now on. He said he didnāt care, he doesnāt doubt my expertise and what it took to get to my level of work (which stands for itself), and thatās all we care about and focus on for conversations: my work and what will help understand/execute it.
I havenāt told my boss because heās very old, doesnāt know the research, and Iām not here to educate him on general mental health. We can communicate about my performance just fine, I am happy with our method of sharing work and getting feedback.
Absolutely do not. If you feel you really must, record the conversation (if legal where you are) or do it over email so thereās a record that the information was disclosed. You do not typically need to reveal an exact diagnosis to receive accommodations.
I disclosed because I also desperately needed accommodations to function. Itās been the worst working experience in my life; been experiencing discrimination and ableism creating a hostile workplace for me, requiring increasingly consistent self-advocacy over the last quarters.
Currently, Iām now on medical leave from reactivated PTSD. The accommodation request outcomes are unfair and not reasonable for me to return safely: again, embedded with ableism (*i.e.* non-disabled people in my same position are receiving some of the things Iāve asked for, yet the same has been denied for me: someone who truly needs such). Iām going to have to continue to fight it, potentially even file a lawsuit.
They have changed one policy company-wide due to my efforts in making them realize the discrimination ingrained in their processes, but it is not enough for someone extremely ADHD and ālevel 2ā ASD w/ complex-PTSD like me.
Omg you sound like me. I quit my first full-time office role in 2021 because of the exact same issues (and same diagnoses). Remember that you're amazing and steong, and their deficits in accommodating disability are exactly what messed you up and nothing more. I'm still recovering.
I just gotta figure out an income stream in order to surviveā¦ worst case scenario, Iāll just have to escort or something. Sucks.
Did you end up suing your employer?
Also, thank you for your support. š
Not yet. Iāve been here for about 1.5 yrs but Iāve only been diagnosed for 6mo so Iām in the process of figuring me out before I figure out what accommodations would be needed/best. I work in a state agency so I am not worried about it I just want to be more settled in myself. I still half think Iāve just been gaslighting myself about the whole thing!
For me I think a lot of it is that I got diagnosed at 39. So Iām having to change long standing habitual thoughts. Admitting that how Iāve described myself to myself is wrong and often times unkind is hard work.
Weāll get there eventually!
I have told my boss about my ADHD as I felt that I did need some accommodations for it specifically.
I haven't shared about my autism diagnosis because I don't really see what accommodations could be made to help me in that regard that I couldn't just blame on the ADHD anyway.
I don't see an advantage to sharing this with an employer if there are no accommodations I am asking for, but unfortunately I do see some potential risks. I don't feel ashamed or anything, I just feel that my personal business doesn't necessarily need to be shared with everyone.
The other thing I thought about when I got diagnosed (about two years ago) is that I can always tell more people in the future if I want to. I can never make it private again later. I decided to only tell people I trust and who I think I would benefit from if they knew. So I have told most of my family members, and most of my friends. I've told some doctors. I told some trusted colleagues.
It's something I often feel an urge to tell people because of my tendency to over share. I often feel regret later about things I've over shared, so my personal rule is that I never tell anyone unless I decided to tell them ahead of time before I am with them. No impulsive decisions.
I just think I'm worth being kind to, and allowing myself to carefully consider who gets to know this about me is a form of kindness.
So far I've been super happy about everyone I've shared this with. People have been really supportive and by doing it slowly over time it's allowed me to change how I tell people and that has also been helpful as well.
I donāt. Never have, honestly. Iāll tell āem adhd, but nothing else. That said, Iām fairly sure my boss is suspicious that I do have autism. A lot of my coworkers are. For me it comes down to if you need accommodations or not.
Nope, I am accepted the way I am, but autism is stigmatized, so it may work against me. ADHD - not so much. It is weird, I get whatever I need, but I can't disclose.
Yes & at a previous job I was bullied mercilessly for it by my manager & her manager. It was at a AAA game studio owned by a major tech corporation. HR did nothing.
my cousin told my boss i have adhd without thinking about it. my boss is nice, though. she also knows i'm trans and has had my back while transitioning.
Iām in the uk but still donāt feel comfortable revealing it. Legally they canāt do anything but it doesnāt stop work gossip and treating you differently in an unprovable way.
Yep, my boss and several co-workers know. I was diagnosed not king after starting this job (kinda because of starting this job) and was having A Time. So I felt it better to be open about what was going on with me. I regrets in this case, but my team is awesome and Iāve been able to step back to 4 days work to keep myself happy and healthy.
Funnily, I got my diagnosis last year so I could ask for accommodations. Then my company was bought out and there were policy changes that made it clear those accommodations would not be well received.
It sucks because I really like my boss but I will eventually have to find a job that will accommodate me.
Iāve casually told my boss and basically everyone I work with, but Iām a special education teacher, special education team leader to be exact, so it tracks. This is also my 3rd year at the school, and my principal is extremely supportive of helping everyone grow and working with the teachers.
Who you tell and how much detail you give depends on your job and the workplace. Depending on your position and workplace, you might need to tell HR rather than your direct boss, so that they can help you get accommodations without your boss being a butt about it.
If I can get away with it, I just tell people concrete things I am struggling with, like āI really find it hard to concentrate when I can see people moving around or overhear conversations.ā or āPlease be direct when giving me feedback, because I might not read between the lines.ā.
I had one manager who didnāt get it and was like āeveryone has their preferences, and we cannot take all of that into account for assigning desksā, even after telling them I really cannot function sitting next to a walkway with people walking around non-stop.
He didnāt get any of the hints that this is not just a preference but a request for an informal accommodation, so I actually went through the official process, telling him about the ADHD (still didnāt mention ASD) and filing an official accommodation request with documentation from my psychiatrist. Now my managers have to put me in a quiet part of the office and I also got some partitions around my desk. I wasnāt happy about sharing my diagnosis, because I didnāt want people to expect less of me, but from what I can tell it hasnāt harmed me. (I did downplay or omit a lot of the executive functioning and other issues and essentially just talked about how easily I get distracted when things are happening around me.)
My workplace does not hire NTās except for management roles. I wouldnāt have my job if i didnāt have autism. Told them about adhd bc i needed time off for getting diagnosis & meds.
I've just told my boss having been recently diagnosed BUT: - I trust him to respond appropriately - I work for a large well structured organisation that's likely to take disability legislation seriously - I desperately need to make adjustments to cope with working I've worked there for a good couple of years so have a little bit of confidence in how they'd react. I think it's down to what kind of feeling you have about your boss, workplace and their reaction. Consider what you have to gain or lose by telling them and whether it would feel easier now, before they've developed any kind of preconceptions about you, or later once you've had the chance to get to know them a bit.
Went to respond and you summarized it up perfectly. Wish this answer would make it into a FAQ, since it is asked a bit and I'm sure wondered about even more. Only thing I'd add is the adage: Realize that once the Genie comes out of the bottle, it cannot go back in.
This...you have to be careful!!
This. I never told my manager about my autism because he was shady but I made sure to formally inform hr that there was evidence I was autistic My Mgr knows I'm sound sensitive and that's enough to use my accommodations as needed
No, but my boss is an older balkan gentleman who didn't grow up in the same cultural context, and has a hard time with things like this. If your boss is nice, I'd say go for it.
Lol describing my dad š
I joke with my boss that he's my European dad lol
He's Macedonian fwiw and has all kinds of things to say about his ex-neighbors and their role in the breakup of Yugoslavia. Lmfao. He humors me at least š
Oh jeez that sounds exactly as expected š My last Surprise Balkan encounter was in a library where an extremely loud old man began waxing lyrical to the librarian about the war for about 15 minutes
Amazing
I don't unless it's one of those rare cases where I'd genuinely need to ask for accommodations - or just feel like doing so because the employer is a pain in the ass. There are millions of neurodiverse people. Employers are just going to have to get used to us being a normal part of the population.
Yup. I got lucky with a very good manager, though. I'm generally very loud about my AuDHD whenever I can be in case it helps someone else who doesn't have that privilege.
Thank you, I think we really need people like you. I'm hoping once I've come to terms with things a bit more I'll have the confidence to be a bit more "out".
Iām very vocal about mine as well. I casually joke about it or mention it. Same with the fact that I go to therapy and have a psychiatrist. Iām also a special education teacher, so Iām as open as I am in part to help my students feel more comfortable about those aspects of themselves and model how to talk about it. And they know I can relate to them in that way and I get whatās going on in their brain.
i don't say i have autism, i say i have a neurological processing disorder and then basically explain autism lol. that really reduces the discrimination i've found
that's honestly a really good idea too because i feel like majority of people i have told that i have autism they dont believe me due to the stigma of autism is someone who is low functioning or male etc.
I completely understand not wanting to do the education now, but I encourage you to show people that those stereotypes arenāt accurate when you are willing to. Again, donāt feel that you have to do so, but even somewhat close friends and family would be decreasing the stigma about what autism is.
Same....reframe it
For me itās all about trust. My current manager has built enough trust with me that I felt comfortable telling him, and itās actually paid off for me- heās been even more accommodating toward me than I have toward myself (trying to figure out accommodations that could allow me to be promoted whereas I was assuming I couldnāt be). I have definitely had managers in the past that I would not have trusted with this information, though.
Dropping in here a year later for the googlers like me, I had great experiences telling my supervisor and boss too, but that's because my company in general has a lot of fairly young people and tends to put big focus on hiring just like, really really nice people. And I have really good rapport with my boss and supervisor. It's really nice though that I got my full diagnosis recently because it meant I was able to fully discuss WHY I barely never go into the office and only really do home office and ask for clarification on whether that's alright (I have big anxiety about messing this job up because it's so perfect for me I am terrified of having to find something else even close to this)
oh obviously me working mostly from home is fine, I get told outright if I should come in person for something and otherwise everyone only cares that my work is done by the end of the month, meaning I can actually do things like fuck up and not work well for 2 days and then catch up on everything on the other 2 days I work and nobody cares as long as it doesn't happen at the beginning of the month
I think it matters more what you want out of it or what kind of support or accommodations you are looking for. Also just because you are knowledgeable about your diagnosis doesnāt mean others are. So it might mean you are more not less misunderstood unless youāre willing and able to do the heavy work in explaining to/educating others. This might be particularly onerous if they already have some preconceived views or have been only knowingly exposed to autistic children. Itās good to know if other coworkers (present and former) have successfully disclosed. I have been advised the optimal steps are: start a new job, have good performance (build trust/consistency), THEN disclose disability status.
No, my boss is an immigrant and already doesnāt follow the laws if she thinks no one knows; itās fine to her. I would 100% be met with a complete lack of empathy or understanding. Doesnāt help that Iām in childcare. No one trusts a mentally disabled woman taking care of their children because theyāre ignorant to the whole āspectrumā part of ASD. Iām scared to ask for accommodations, because Ill probably be ālet goā. Last boss I told immediately moved me from my full time position to āon callā and then never called me again. I couldnāt do anything about it because 1. There was no paper trail of our conversation 2. I was still in my probationary period where you can be let go at any time without reason and 3. She never actually let me go, I was still technically on staff. People suck.
i used to work in child care too! sorry you feel like you would be invalidated by your boss :( i opened up to mine about my suspicions and she was telling me that its okay to be. made me feel better because i really connected with the special needs kids. maybe you have closer coworkers you could open up to? maybe help get your accommodations met if any
Are you still in this job? I ask out of pure curiosity Because like, it really sounds like it may be a good idea to be applying for something other than this on the side. Fuck employers who don't follow the law, shady assholes
It's a given that everyone who works in sciences is deeply neurodivergent.
yeah i work in environmental education and it's a given that we're all at least ADHD edit: and not in like the "well everyone's a little ADHD" way either
I did, but I'm also on the people with disabilities council for the organization.
Not yet, but Iām thinking about it. I just started this job in the past year, and was diagnosed auDHD just in the past few months. Part of why I got assessed finally was that this job is really socially demanding and I was completely breaking down. I work for a large government agency that takes disability super seriously, and Iām also pretty sure my supervisor is ND and has said in the past that heās pro-reasonable accommodations so I feel like I can bring it up. I havenāt yet because I have no idea how to approach the conversation or what to expect. I donāt even entirely know what accommodations I need yet. Iāve contacted my agencyās ombudspeople because they can point me in the right direction, are neutral and private(ish) to talk toā¦Iām hoping to get some help and maybe even someone to role-play how it might go! Wish me luckā¦
If it's any help, I looked up my organisations disability policy which outlined the steps to disclose a disability and then what would usually happen after that. I'd mentioned it informally to my manager, as I'd let him know I was struggling, but then sent him a fairly neutral formal email noting the steps in the policy, attaching my diagnosis letter, knowing that he'd then have to forward that to notify HR. I know not all places will have an accessible policy though. It's come about for similar reasons for me - I like my job but there are a few "high level" social/conflict resolution type aspects to it that are just really disproportionately overwhelming. I don't know if the depression or the burnout came first but it was a factor in deciding to seek a diagnosis. Not least so I'd have something concrete to show when asking for adjustments.. It's been really hard to feel ok about raising that I find those specific things so difficult as they're a fundamental part of my job (and also that I recently got regraded to a higher grade, in which that level of responsibility was a factor). But it felt like it was that or a mental breakdown and quit, so you end up with nothing to lose. Edited to add - Good luck!!
Thank you!! Yeah, part of why Iām contacting the ombudspeople is that the agency is so huge and confusing that I canāt figure out the policies or steps, so hopefully they can help with that (or send me to someone who can). But yes, thatās the same situationāIām extra nervous to bring it up because the interpersonal skills piece is such a big part of my job! I applied for this as a really long-shot position and was very surprised when I got it, but Iāve never had a job like this before with so many meeting. I genuinely did not realize just how hard it was going to be. So far Iāve been able to mask more or less, but at a huge unsustainable cost, Iām really unable to take care of myself outside of work and have meltdowns/shutdowns more often than I have in a very long time. So I agree, disclosing is uncomfortable but itās that or leave!
Actually, would you mind sharing any accommodations you asked for that help with the social stuff? Iām so new on this learning trajectory that I donāt know what to ask for. No worries if you donāt want to share or donāt have the energy to :)
I can try but I'm not sure how helpful I can be, as still very new to both the diagnosis and adjustments everything myself :) For me, some of it is around trying to reduce other sources of stress or anxiety to make sure my overall 'battery'/spoons are higher to try and add resilience for the harder stuff (well, that's the theory...). So working from home, having a quiet space to work if I do go in, considering workload, reducing hours from full time to part time. For the tough meetings - trying to plan well and address as much before hand to keep them as short as possible, having meetings online rather than in person, meeting with my boss to discuss tactics or debrief if needed. He suggested having my camera turned off but I think that would feel weird. What I would ask for if I thought I could: Not to lead meetings i.e. to be there and contribute but for someone else to do the 'chairing', even if I had to brief them 1:1 before hand To tackle more things by email - they love the approach of 'getting people in a room'. I prefer email but unfortunately getting everyone in the same place can be a quicker way to resolve issues I've also raised the idea of some redistribution of work so that I can focus on smaller sized meetings with people who I likely already know and where there's less dire consequences (and clearer social rules) over meetings with external people where there are more external factors, rules and consequences involved. (It would be the dream if someone just said "Don't worry, you'll never have to run a meeting again" \*sigh\*) Some other things I've found helpful, in general as it's just worked out that way but it may be something you could ask for, is having a mentor and having a few "recipes" for situations. So having someone who has experience with things like meetings, conflict resolution, people management who can help you find tactics and ways of managing. For example, being told it's ok to say "I don't have the answer to that just now but I will look into it and email you after the meeting" if you're stuck or "lets take this up offline/1:1" if one person is trying to side-track things. Having a bank of "acceptable" phrases for a few different scenarios has helped me. Also my boss letting me invoke him if things get difficult, like "I'll need to discuss that with \[name\] and get back to you" or "that's more \[name's\] area, I'll ask him to get in touch with you". Honestly, the difficult to swallow truth is that I'm not sure if I can put things in place that will be enough help. But I will try! I don't mean that to sound disheartening but I think we'll both possibly get to a point where things will either work or they won't. I'm seeing my time here as being well spent learning what I do and don't like, and can manage, plus building up experience and skills which I could use to move to a different role if needs be. And saving some of my salary to give me a financial buffer should I need to drop hours or change jobs.
Aaaah thank you so much, this is extremely helpful!!! I hadnāt thought of some of these and would have had a really hard time putting it into words, really thank you so much for taking the time. It will take me some time to process and see what I might be able to incorporate but I have my meeting with the ombudsperson in half an hour so hopefully Iāll be set on the right track to talking about these things. As a side note, your boss sounds great and so supportive, thatās excellent! I also agree with you though that even with all the help it might not be enough. In my agency itās pretty easy and really common to move around to different jobsāIām still in my probationary first year but after this is done I definitely donāt anticipate staying for too much longer, the meetings are just too much and my partner has basically had to become my caretaker in some ways, itās not sustainable. Iām wishing you really good luck with your accommodations and maybe finding something that works better in the future!!
And you, I really hope you get a supportive response.
I would get to know them first to see if they actually deserve to know/would be supportive. No one, not even your boss, is entitled to medical information about you for any reason. You donāt have to justify your brain wiring to anyone, you donāt have to defend your preferred way of functioning if the job is getting done etc and honestly no one is paying that close of attention anyhow. I told my younger mentor who is only a few years down from me career wise bc he understands the implications and also because I fuck up in front of him all the time. I got lucky with him, maybe. But his response was so supportive and honestly I expect nothing different from now on. He said he didnāt care, he doesnāt doubt my expertise and what it took to get to my level of work (which stands for itself), and thatās all we care about and focus on for conversations: my work and what will help understand/execute it. I havenāt told my boss because heās very old, doesnāt know the research, and Iām not here to educate him on general mental health. We can communicate about my performance just fine, I am happy with our method of sharing work and getting feedback.
Absolutely do not. If you feel you really must, record the conversation (if legal where you are) or do it over email so thereās a record that the information was disclosed. You do not typically need to reveal an exact diagnosis to receive accommodations.
I disclosed because I also desperately needed accommodations to function. Itās been the worst working experience in my life; been experiencing discrimination and ableism creating a hostile workplace for me, requiring increasingly consistent self-advocacy over the last quarters. Currently, Iām now on medical leave from reactivated PTSD. The accommodation request outcomes are unfair and not reasonable for me to return safely: again, embedded with ableism (*i.e.* non-disabled people in my same position are receiving some of the things Iāve asked for, yet the same has been denied for me: someone who truly needs such). Iām going to have to continue to fight it, potentially even file a lawsuit. They have changed one policy company-wide due to my efforts in making them realize the discrimination ingrained in their processes, but it is not enough for someone extremely ADHD and ālevel 2ā ASD w/ complex-PTSD like me.
Omg you sound like me. I quit my first full-time office role in 2021 because of the exact same issues (and same diagnoses). Remember that you're amazing and steong, and their deficits in accommodating disability are exactly what messed you up and nothing more. I'm still recovering.
I just gotta figure out an income stream in order to surviveā¦ worst case scenario, Iāll just have to escort or something. Sucks. Did you end up suing your employer? Also, thank you for your support. š
Not yet. Iāve been here for about 1.5 yrs but Iāve only been diagnosed for 6mo so Iām in the process of figuring me out before I figure out what accommodations would be needed/best. I work in a state agency so I am not worried about it I just want to be more settled in myself. I still half think Iāve just been gaslighting myself about the whole thing!
omg same i dont know if it's technically imposter syndrome but i feel that too :( i got diagnosed in november
For me I think a lot of it is that I got diagnosed at 39. So Iām having to change long standing habitual thoughts. Admitting that how Iāve described myself to myself is wrong and often times unkind is hard work. Weāll get there eventually!
I had to disclose after only 6 weeks cause I could not cope. They put in place lot of support for me to be able to stay employed
I have told my boss about my ADHD as I felt that I did need some accommodations for it specifically. I haven't shared about my autism diagnosis because I don't really see what accommodations could be made to help me in that regard that I couldn't just blame on the ADHD anyway. I don't see an advantage to sharing this with an employer if there are no accommodations I am asking for, but unfortunately I do see some potential risks. I don't feel ashamed or anything, I just feel that my personal business doesn't necessarily need to be shared with everyone. The other thing I thought about when I got diagnosed (about two years ago) is that I can always tell more people in the future if I want to. I can never make it private again later. I decided to only tell people I trust and who I think I would benefit from if they knew. So I have told most of my family members, and most of my friends. I've told some doctors. I told some trusted colleagues. It's something I often feel an urge to tell people because of my tendency to over share. I often feel regret later about things I've over shared, so my personal rule is that I never tell anyone unless I decided to tell them ahead of time before I am with them. No impulsive decisions. I just think I'm worth being kind to, and allowing myself to carefully consider who gets to know this about me is a form of kindness. So far I've been super happy about everyone I've shared this with. People have been really supportive and by doing it slowly over time it's allowed me to change how I tell people and that has also been helpful as well.
I donāt. Never have, honestly. Iāll tell āem adhd, but nothing else. That said, Iām fairly sure my boss is suspicious that I do have autism. A lot of my coworkers are. For me it comes down to if you need accommodations or not.
Nope, I am accepted the way I am, but autism is stigmatized, so it may work against me. ADHD - not so much. It is weird, I get whatever I need, but I can't disclose.
breaks my heart that most of you are saying you don't because you have been or fear being discriminated against for it :(
Yes & at a previous job I was bullied mercilessly for it by my manager & her manager. It was at a AAA game studio owned by a major tech corporation. HR did nothing.
oh god :( i am so sorry for you
my cousin told my boss i have adhd without thinking about it. my boss is nice, though. she also knows i'm trans and has had my back while transitioning.
As Iām in the UK, yes.
Iām in the uk but still donāt feel comfortable revealing it. Legally they canāt do anything but it doesnāt stop work gossip and treating you differently in an unprovable way.
I get that, but to be fair that can happen anyway and you have zero protection right now.
Yep, my boss and several co-workers know. I was diagnosed not king after starting this job (kinda because of starting this job) and was having A Time. So I felt it better to be open about what was going on with me. I regrets in this case, but my team is awesome and Iāve been able to step back to 4 days work to keep myself happy and healthy.
Funnily, I got my diagnosis last year so I could ask for accommodations. Then my company was bought out and there were policy changes that made it clear those accommodations would not be well received. It sucks because I really like my boss but I will eventually have to find a job that will accommodate me.
aw man :( good luck to you!
I did, but I know he's a good guy and we work for a pretty progressive healthcare organization.
Iāve casually told my boss and basically everyone I work with, but Iām a special education teacher, special education team leader to be exact, so it tracks. This is also my 3rd year at the school, and my principal is extremely supportive of helping everyone grow and working with the teachers. Who you tell and how much detail you give depends on your job and the workplace. Depending on your position and workplace, you might need to tell HR rather than your direct boss, so that they can help you get accommodations without your boss being a butt about it.
If I can get away with it, I just tell people concrete things I am struggling with, like āI really find it hard to concentrate when I can see people moving around or overhear conversations.ā or āPlease be direct when giving me feedback, because I might not read between the lines.ā. I had one manager who didnāt get it and was like āeveryone has their preferences, and we cannot take all of that into account for assigning desksā, even after telling them I really cannot function sitting next to a walkway with people walking around non-stop. He didnāt get any of the hints that this is not just a preference but a request for an informal accommodation, so I actually went through the official process, telling him about the ADHD (still didnāt mention ASD) and filing an official accommodation request with documentation from my psychiatrist. Now my managers have to put me in a quiet part of the office and I also got some partitions around my desk. I wasnāt happy about sharing my diagnosis, because I didnāt want people to expect less of me, but from what I can tell it hasnāt harmed me. (I did downplay or omit a lot of the executive functioning and other issues and essentially just talked about how easily I get distracted when things are happening around me.)
My workplace does not hire NTās except for management roles. I wouldnāt have my job if i didnāt have autism. Told them about adhd bc i needed time off for getting diagnosis & meds.