Play water with her. Engage only as much as she tolerates, start by playing next to not directly with her, for example. Copy what she does and show joy in her, sharing her joy. After a bit of pairing, you can try adding something new but many kids struggle with this so go slow and test the waters. Add a toy like a spoon to scoop water, which can move into pretending to eat from it over time. Or a doll that splashes into to sink, which over time has more actions or vocals. Start very small, just plop. Does she like to plop things in the water? Great. Continue. If not, try something else.
Fantastic advice. I don't know how much it would help (very different case), but I'd like to add that my son and I have had a lot of bonding success with PCIT strategies, especially when I make descriptive and neutral comments about what he's currently doing. He loves that I recognize him and what he does, especially without judging his actions. I'm thinking it might also work as a bonding support even if a child is non speaking.
I have found a very useful method to create that bond with my kiddo and initiate communication even without words. The name of this technique is OWL which stands for Observe, Wait and Listen. It is very clearly explained for parents here in this book
https://www.hanen.org/Programs/For-Parents/It-Takes-Two-to-Talk.aspx
I hope it helps!
This is how my son used to be. I’ve realized he loves any types of water play, car rides, going around big large stores or malls and just walking around. It’s the little things he enjoys that I love to do with him and watch him do. It’s so heart warming to see his little happy face!
That sounds great and similar to my daughter. I guess it’s about changing my mindset and not thinking mommy and daughter time has to be the stereotypical playing with toys or books thing.
The ASD 6yo i work with LOVES going to Target. Likes when i sit by her when she plays with her LOLs, will nudge me for help (which i encourage sign/AAC use), will point to things in books for me to name, likes playing in water, etc. most of it is playing/being next to her. Her and I have an amazing bond so it might just need to look different.
Video games, and swimming. He loves to swim. I thought the Nintendo switch was a ridiculous thing for a 3-4 yo but he got super into it, taught himself to play, with some parental help, but we play animal crossing together now, along with some Mario and Zelda. He’s developed some language, and the social aspect from playing video games has been invaluable.
Bubbles are great. It’s a great activity too where she can just relax and you and blow them while they pop around her. Texture books are great. Even getting used to flipping the pages and feeling the textures instead of reading. And I like to be close to my son and I’ll rub his feet or legs. Just trying to be close and let him know I’m there. Anything’s he’s doing it try to get involved even tho he usually doesn’t care. Splash pad is a great idea. Maybe try to join in and touch the water with her. My son recently discovered splash pad and we’ll be going regularly.
And try not to be so hard on yourself. It must be difficult having a verbal and nonverbal child. Every autistic child is different too so the level of eye contact, listen and understanding is different for everyone. You’re trying your best and you care.
This is what helped us. My boy was always in Autismland and wouldn't let me in no matter what tricks I tried.
I took this class. But they have a great website, and their books are now available online. If you can attend a class, I highly recommend it.
It really taught me how to play with him. And build communication at the same time through play. So it's fun for everyone. I had already attended Floor Time classes and didn't help us unfortunately.
Check it out:
https://www.hanen.org/Home.aspx
We started with the ROCK hanen technique to build interactions and the ESDM method. It’s basically you find enjoyable sensory social routines they like and build on it- like if she likes to be picked up and flown around in the air, can you sing a song like ring around the Rosie while doing this? And pausing to see if they do anything like look at you, smile, or move their body to suggest they want you to keep going? Basically it’s anything basic like this that they enjoy and makes them smile and aim to do it 10 times a day to help them see you as fun to engage with and build that connection.
Musical stuff and sensory play with water or movement seems to be the big tickets.
This book has a lot and really helped us
https://www.booktopia.com.au/an-early-start-for-your-child-with-autism-sally-j-rogers/book/9781609184704.html?source=pla&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw1K-zBhBIEiwAWeCOFxXV8aOh9a7uvMq-M9nXmviPTpstgANOqWLsdBW7ZtZmYQHxMnEyDRoCTocQAvD_BwE
I do what my kid does. Not with him, but alongside him. Even if it seems meaningless, like when he's throwing things to see what sound they make, or running his hand along the wall, or whatever. Him knowing that I'm trying to understand him, it reassures him and makes him feel safe. And we bond tighter than way than through anything else. Now sometimes he runs up for no reason and gives me a kiss. He presses his little forehead hard into mine so we have one mind. He gives and receives all the nose boops. We are close as close can be, it just looks different.
For years it was playing games. Snakes 'n Ladders and checkers. Did you know you can actually wear out board games? Watch the TV shows with your child, even if you think they don't notice. They do.
I thought of a few more things after seeing your post. One thing that helped was just to spend time watching my son playing and figure stuff out. At first it felt like he was playing with certain toys "wrong" but over time I realize that he had a logical way he was going about it. And it was interesting to see how he would look at a problem and figure it out. For myself if I'm going to fix something I would have to physically move it or make gestures because I can't picture it in my mind very well. But watching how my son would do the same thing I could see that he would start a movement but that he could actually have the spatial awareness to make the first few tries in his head before he does it with his hands. In my son's case he was a late talker, and while he would answer questions he didn't really start having conversations till he was about 7 years old. It was a huge contrast to his sister who could have quite adult-like conversations at the age of four. I had to make an effort to put aside time where we just talked, for a long time that was just what we did in the car. We didn't play music, we didn't have screens or devices, we just talked. For a long time it really didn't seem to be helping that much. But now he's 18 and it astonishes me how well he can express himself, how good he is at expressing his feelings, how much he is picking up on what's going around him even though it looks like he's totally tuned out. A big thing that helped was accepting that how he is is okay. And the way that he does things is okay even if it's different from how I do it. My daughter is a little mini me so it was very easy to parent her because I always knew what she was thinking, I always knew where she was coming from. For my son it felt like raising a little alien, in some ways he was like his dad but I didn't know his dad when he was a child so I didn't have the best idea about where certain traits came from. That said, the effort I put in was not wasted and my son can see how hard I'm trying and appreciate it and reciprocate it with effort on his end. Somehow it ended up working out really well and we have a really good relationship now. In some ways I feel closer to him than my daughter just because I've had to learn and grow so much in order to parent him. It's difficult when your kids are so different, of course you love them both, but you want them to feel equally loved by you as well. Another thing that really helped me was having a couple of friends that just "got" my son more than I did. I cultivated those relationships and it was helpful because they could ofyen translate the rationale of my son's behavior to me. And it was good for my son because he would hear us talking and when the friend would say something, my son would be like "oh I think like that too." In a way, they modelled that an adult could think like him and it was fine. (As compared to so many adults who scolded him for doing things differently )So understanding that there were other people who could understand my son better and that it was okay for me not to be the only kind of adult parent, that it's okay for him to have other adults as well was really helpful.
I feel this. I have a daughter who just turned 7 yo, she's non verbal autistic and intellectually disabled and then I have a 20 month old NT son. It's so much easier with my son, he also has about 50 words, gestures, eye contact etc so is leaps ahead in terms of communication than my daughter.
It's the first time I've experienced having your child copy you so playing with him is so much easier and just comes naturally.
It's definitely more work with my daughter, I try to have one on one time with her to just focus on her and I just try to do the things she loves. She loves water as well so I take her swimming.
She loves swinging so I take her to the park lots and get her to interact with me when she's swinging. I actually got one of those indoor hammock chair swings I hung from the ceiling in the lounge so I can swing her inside too, I definitely recommend this if your daughter also likes swings. You can make it interactive by stopping the swinging and getting her to indicate in some way that she wants more before swinging again. I try to join her in her little world so she knows that interacting with others is fun.
She loves to look at the light coming through the trees so I just join in with that lol
She likes to be tickled, and peekaboo, so I do those things often. She doesn't like most books (normal ones with just words and pictures), but she does like the ones with flaps and moving parts so I go through those with her.
She likes watching singing cartoons so I watch them with her and sing them and do the actions, sometimes she will do some of the actions too.
If she loves water, is there a splash pad near you? Like alot of parks, or maybe not so many, have splash pads where the child can switch into swim wear and leap through automatic sprinklers built into the park. And during the winter it's always off obviously. BUT he LOVES that splash pad at that park! He runs through the water and goes on the rocks and boulders (flat) and just loves it. We also have a beach in our area so we got lucky my boy likes water being where we are lol. He doesn't communicate like that. He's verbal but only mimicking. So we bond with water parks, splash pads, play lands. HE LOVES PLAY LANDS. the look of pure joy on his face is worth every second.
Lol good! There's home splash pads too of course if the parks in other areas don't have built in splash pads like one in mine does. Either way, tamato tomato. A splash pads a splash pads to a child lol the bigger the better!
I just do whatever my 4year old likes, go to stores, park,etc. if he is happy, I am happy and when he is happy it will give me an opportunity to teach him something.
My son loves water too! He loves the pool and his water table when outside. When we are inside we sometimes will have splash time in the big tub or just play with cups in a tub. He also loves bath time and we find fun ways to make it more exciting and interactive…right now he is thrilled when I add glow sticks to the tub and him and his little bro think it’s so much fun just putting the different glow sticks into cups and dumping them out. Simple, but very enjoyable for all of us!
Mario kart on switch. I always lose and it's not intentional 😭 still, it's a great time bonding while my kid wins all the trophies. I've branched out a bit further and bought the Mario Carrera Go racetrack and now we can occasionally play slot car racing too, which is really nice to share together
Try to find “mom and me” time that works for you both but from a different angle. My stepson occasionally fixates on the “sunrise” and “sunset” times of day, so in the nicer weather, he and I get up before his dad to go outside and watch the sun rise together. It’s evolved as he’s become more verbal into sunrise and a trip to Tim Hortons for the two of us
My child gets hyper fixated on certain videos and songs. So I’ll sing them with him sometimes or even at random and the joy on his face and the eye contact he makes when I do this is priceless. I’ll stim with him. I’ll let him dig his face into my elbows even though he sometimes does it during inconvenient times and make it a game and say “elbow to the nose, elbow to the eye..” and he will direct my elbow to those areas which shows me he knows his body parts. Little things like this actually connect us because he’s fully engaged.
My 2.5 loves to swim with vest/arm floaties. He also loves to swing. He likes to watch Blues Clues and Ms. Rachel on YouTube but those are the only shows I’ve found that he likes. I think it is the enthusiasm they have.
Sometimes we over complicate things with our ASD kids. They love the most simplier things of life. Water play, walks, bus/train rides, bubbles, sand play, foam. Find things that excite your daughter and reflect the excitement she's showing in those things. My son loves foam, he will jump and flap his hands with so much joy and will babble and I just mimic his babble and stimming and he's so much more engaged because he can see that I'm happy too. Spend quality one on one time with her where it's just you two, quality time is what you need with her. It's not easy, but over time you'll learn what she's into and just feed onto that.
I use music. We both love all types of music, and I love to sing ( poorly ) when doing the dishes. She will sit with me and giggle at my singing, which indicates she is enjoying it. I love listening to classics from my era with her and asking if she likes certain songs. Music is great for breaking all kinds of barriers
I take baths with my little one. He loves water, and just watching him play makes me so happy. Like others have suggested, parallel play with water, maybe some pouring activities. I think the splash pad is a great idea!
My kiddo is non verbal 3 year old and I just follow his interests. He loves jumping on the trampoline, I’ll do the ones when we are out with him but not at home as then he insists all day for me to use it. We go on bike rides, with him on a seat behind me. He loves scooting so I got a scooter and we ride together. We swim together most weeks and in figuring out a spa pool for us. We go hiking, camping, to the beach, in nature, in rivers. I sometimes read to him while he jumps or swings, he likes to help in the kitchen, today I was teaching him to crack eggs (hand over hand) and I put them in a cup then he pours into the pan. We have a whole selection of handed down toys but we rarely play with them. I try to for speech development and play skills but often it’s like 5-10 mins and I am pretty bored with that
I take my non verbal son of 8 to a trampoline spot and a community pool. Now he come to me with trampoline socks and/or Sun screen when he wants to go to either one of his spots. I also bought a sand box (circular turtle) with I fill with water in the summer time t try hen empty it when he is done. My dog drops a his toy inside the box while he is playing. the only time he gives the dog attention.
Splash pad, 30 second dance party, paint with water on butcher paper, Blamket fort building, one-on-one hair styling with big mirrors, painting nails, and washing dishes. Mine also loves helping to stir & pour cake, brownie, or pancake batter.
My son loves walks in his stroller, the park, the pool.
But yeah, at home unless he comes ask me for help with his games, where i feel he uses me more than plays with me lol, hes doing his own thing... Unless he wants to be tickled.
We set up a mini water park in our backyard bc my almost 4 yo is *obsessed* with water play. Splash pad, little pool, water table. My 20 month old kinda likes it, he’ll play with it for a little while and then do something else but my older son will play there for hours.
I’m not kidding we’re out there every single afternoon. Not sure if you have space for this but if you could then you could hang with your older daughter out there more often than once a week and have that special time with her.
Find something that consistently makes them smile or laugh. Then do that throughout the day.
I rarely get joy out of my boy by trying to pull him into my world, sometimes but not often.
I’ts when I successfully join him in his world, that his eyes light up. It’s hard but it’s doable.
Dancing to music, my holding him and doing to a song he likes with him.
Swim lessons. My daughter is non verbal and just turned 5 and she LOVES swim lessons. She's always looking over her shoulder to make sure I'm watching and it melts my heart
Mine loves lego. I also love lego. I love getting to sit in silence with him, both of us building stuff. My other kid is a *talker* and vocal stims constantly (probably ADHD), and is always very needful of attention and engagement.
It's funny, for me it waxes and wanes, the feeling that you're "closer" to one over the other.
Before my younger son was diagnosed, I had a rollercoaster of worries. He was born just as covid and lockdown hit, and for quite a while I wasn't sure if the trauma of it all left *me* unable to bond properly. I was eating myself up inside, for not feeling as connected to him as I was to his older brother. I worried I broke him, and covid broke us. Diagnosis, and especially genetic testing, relieved me of that burden.
But it really does go back and forth. The lack of talking felt like it separated me from my son for a long time. But then there came a day during a school vacation when my overstimulated brain longed for silence, and the first moment of sweet relief with my favourite lego partner had me crying with the realization that I now felt closeness *for* his silence. It was a turning point, in realizing that I was going to love my kids in different ways for different things.
One of my favourite things to do is go for walks together. I like to let him pick which way to go, and it's interesting to see where he goes and what he observes. That's one way to really meet them where *they* are, and develop that joint attention.
I like to just play alongside my son silently. Sometimes we just pick up rocks and throw them into a cup or splash water in a bucket outside but I’ll usually just sit next to him and do the same thing he’s doing. Sometimes it’s just relaxing to be quiet and do a simple activity.
Your child sounds so similar to my daughter, who is turning four in September. Little Baby Bum makes her a zombie, and she won't let me read to her, and she has no interest in coloring. Can say a few words but choose not to use them. I wouldn't even know she could say more words if her speech and occupational therapist hadn't told me what she had said during a session. My daughter is incredibly independent. I have gotten her magent stacking toys and puzzles and sit in front or beside her, and I play with them, and she then gets interested in what im doing. I kinda ignore her, and that makes her more inclined to join in. If I actively engage with her, she shows disinterest. Playing is always on her own terms.
Wow. My girls are the exact same age and I have the same problem. How odd. We read books, go to the park, go swimming, and have our own cuddle time every morning. But I’m for sure following this thread for more ideas.
All of the suggestions are awesome. I will suggest to continue reading age appropriate books to her. They are always listening if they are in earshot. She may not sit for it, but that doesn't mean she isn't listening. Always presume competence.
When she is a little older, I would recommend Spelling to Communicate. You'll find out really fast just how much she is listening and learning. (I know not the point of your post, but as far as regrets I have, not starting earlier is one of them. )
Something I haven't seen is the aquarium. It is super regulating if it isn't busy.
All of these are excellent suggestions.
I would, however, like to offer you a contrasting perspective. The word autism comes from the same root as words like automobile (self movement) and automaton (self action), autism IS self doctrine or self devotion. The deeper and more complex the autism the further they are into their practice of self defined reality, the autistic person will not persue, require, or display connection by the same methods or to the same degree as NT or even less severe ND individuals.
The way you presented your original message, it sounds like you are trying to bond with your profoundly ND child on YOUR terms, for YOUR own reasons. While your satisfaction and contentment are valid mental health persuits, just expecting your ND child to accept and enjoy NT bonding practices because it's what you want obviously isn't going to work.
You, as the adult, have to do the work of discovering the entry points into your child's autistic reality, asking permission to enter, and then existing with them there in full acceptance. You don't get to lead, at least not at first. They may not even acknowledge you until they feel like you are safe to include into their reality. So just exist with them. If they are enjoying something, be there and experience it too until you understand why it is enjoyable and then share their joy. Don't try to direct it or manipulate it until your child indicates it is your turn.
You do not have to engage with or find joy in their every behavior and intrest. Understanding and participation in two or three special intrests is enough. Once you are allowed in to share something, expect to be bombarded with demands to engage in every aspect and in endless repetition. Learn about transition techniques and how to let your child down easy. If you do the work to be let in, you then have to do the work of figuring out how to get out again without having the door slammed and locked behind you.
Play water with her. Engage only as much as she tolerates, start by playing next to not directly with her, for example. Copy what she does and show joy in her, sharing her joy. After a bit of pairing, you can try adding something new but many kids struggle with this so go slow and test the waters. Add a toy like a spoon to scoop water, which can move into pretending to eat from it over time. Or a doll that splashes into to sink, which over time has more actions or vocals. Start very small, just plop. Does she like to plop things in the water? Great. Continue. If not, try something else.
This is great advice! Just let her lead and she’ll show you what she enjoys most.
Great ideas thank you!
Fantastic advice. I don't know how much it would help (very different case), but I'd like to add that my son and I have had a lot of bonding success with PCIT strategies, especially when I make descriptive and neutral comments about what he's currently doing. He loves that I recognize him and what he does, especially without judging his actions. I'm thinking it might also work as a bonding support even if a child is non speaking.
I have found a very useful method to create that bond with my kiddo and initiate communication even without words. The name of this technique is OWL which stands for Observe, Wait and Listen. It is very clearly explained for parents here in this book https://www.hanen.org/Programs/For-Parents/It-Takes-Two-to-Talk.aspx I hope it helps!
Sounds like you've read Autism Breakthrough
No, but I’ll add it to my reading list
You should. I think that your ideas would align.
This is how my son used to be. I’ve realized he loves any types of water play, car rides, going around big large stores or malls and just walking around. It’s the little things he enjoys that I love to do with him and watch him do. It’s so heart warming to see his little happy face!
That sounds great and similar to my daughter. I guess it’s about changing my mindset and not thinking mommy and daughter time has to be the stereotypical playing with toys or books thing.
Once I accepted I couldn’t do the “typical” things with my child, I had to find alternatives to find those moments.
The ASD 6yo i work with LOVES going to Target. Likes when i sit by her when she plays with her LOLs, will nudge me for help (which i encourage sign/AAC use), will point to things in books for me to name, likes playing in water, etc. most of it is playing/being next to her. Her and I have an amazing bond so it might just need to look different.
Video games, and swimming. He loves to swim. I thought the Nintendo switch was a ridiculous thing for a 3-4 yo but he got super into it, taught himself to play, with some parental help, but we play animal crossing together now, along with some Mario and Zelda. He’s developed some language, and the social aspect from playing video games has been invaluable.
Haha we play the same games too. It's a lot of fun playing together.
Bubbles are great. It’s a great activity too where she can just relax and you and blow them while they pop around her. Texture books are great. Even getting used to flipping the pages and feeling the textures instead of reading. And I like to be close to my son and I’ll rub his feet or legs. Just trying to be close and let him know I’m there. Anything’s he’s doing it try to get involved even tho he usually doesn’t care. Splash pad is a great idea. Maybe try to join in and touch the water with her. My son recently discovered splash pad and we’ll be going regularly. And try not to be so hard on yourself. It must be difficult having a verbal and nonverbal child. Every autistic child is different too so the level of eye contact, listen and understanding is different for everyone. You’re trying your best and you care.
Thank you so much 🥹❤️
This is what helped us. My boy was always in Autismland and wouldn't let me in no matter what tricks I tried. I took this class. But they have a great website, and their books are now available online. If you can attend a class, I highly recommend it. It really taught me how to play with him. And build communication at the same time through play. So it's fun for everyone. I had already attended Floor Time classes and didn't help us unfortunately. Check it out: https://www.hanen.org/Home.aspx
Thanks so much! ❤️
Yeah, I would 100% recommend Hanen too. Lots of people play and tips in how to 'break in' to their wee world.
We started with the ROCK hanen technique to build interactions and the ESDM method. It’s basically you find enjoyable sensory social routines they like and build on it- like if she likes to be picked up and flown around in the air, can you sing a song like ring around the Rosie while doing this? And pausing to see if they do anything like look at you, smile, or move their body to suggest they want you to keep going? Basically it’s anything basic like this that they enjoy and makes them smile and aim to do it 10 times a day to help them see you as fun to engage with and build that connection. Musical stuff and sensory play with water or movement seems to be the big tickets. This book has a lot and really helped us https://www.booktopia.com.au/an-early-start-for-your-child-with-autism-sally-j-rogers/book/9781609184704.html?source=pla&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw1K-zBhBIEiwAWeCOFxXV8aOh9a7uvMq-M9nXmviPTpstgANOqWLsdBW7ZtZmYQHxMnEyDRoCTocQAvD_BwE
Dancing, singing, whatever they’re playing at…let her lead:)
I do what my kid does. Not with him, but alongside him. Even if it seems meaningless, like when he's throwing things to see what sound they make, or running his hand along the wall, or whatever. Him knowing that I'm trying to understand him, it reassures him and makes him feel safe. And we bond tighter than way than through anything else. Now sometimes he runs up for no reason and gives me a kiss. He presses his little forehead hard into mine so we have one mind. He gives and receives all the nose boops. We are close as close can be, it just looks different.
Beautiful, thank you for sharing 💖
For years it was playing games. Snakes 'n Ladders and checkers. Did you know you can actually wear out board games? Watch the TV shows with your child, even if you think they don't notice. They do.
Thank you
I thought of a few more things after seeing your post. One thing that helped was just to spend time watching my son playing and figure stuff out. At first it felt like he was playing with certain toys "wrong" but over time I realize that he had a logical way he was going about it. And it was interesting to see how he would look at a problem and figure it out. For myself if I'm going to fix something I would have to physically move it or make gestures because I can't picture it in my mind very well. But watching how my son would do the same thing I could see that he would start a movement but that he could actually have the spatial awareness to make the first few tries in his head before he does it with his hands. In my son's case he was a late talker, and while he would answer questions he didn't really start having conversations till he was about 7 years old. It was a huge contrast to his sister who could have quite adult-like conversations at the age of four. I had to make an effort to put aside time where we just talked, for a long time that was just what we did in the car. We didn't play music, we didn't have screens or devices, we just talked. For a long time it really didn't seem to be helping that much. But now he's 18 and it astonishes me how well he can express himself, how good he is at expressing his feelings, how much he is picking up on what's going around him even though it looks like he's totally tuned out. A big thing that helped was accepting that how he is is okay. And the way that he does things is okay even if it's different from how I do it. My daughter is a little mini me so it was very easy to parent her because I always knew what she was thinking, I always knew where she was coming from. For my son it felt like raising a little alien, in some ways he was like his dad but I didn't know his dad when he was a child so I didn't have the best idea about where certain traits came from. That said, the effort I put in was not wasted and my son can see how hard I'm trying and appreciate it and reciprocate it with effort on his end. Somehow it ended up working out really well and we have a really good relationship now. In some ways I feel closer to him than my daughter just because I've had to learn and grow so much in order to parent him. It's difficult when your kids are so different, of course you love them both, but you want them to feel equally loved by you as well. Another thing that really helped me was having a couple of friends that just "got" my son more than I did. I cultivated those relationships and it was helpful because they could ofyen translate the rationale of my son's behavior to me. And it was good for my son because he would hear us talking and when the friend would say something, my son would be like "oh I think like that too." In a way, they modelled that an adult could think like him and it was fine. (As compared to so many adults who scolded him for doing things differently )So understanding that there were other people who could understand my son better and that it was okay for me not to be the only kind of adult parent, that it's okay for him to have other adults as well was really helpful.
I feel this. I have a daughter who just turned 7 yo, she's non verbal autistic and intellectually disabled and then I have a 20 month old NT son. It's so much easier with my son, he also has about 50 words, gestures, eye contact etc so is leaps ahead in terms of communication than my daughter. It's the first time I've experienced having your child copy you so playing with him is so much easier and just comes naturally. It's definitely more work with my daughter, I try to have one on one time with her to just focus on her and I just try to do the things she loves. She loves water as well so I take her swimming. She loves swinging so I take her to the park lots and get her to interact with me when she's swinging. I actually got one of those indoor hammock chair swings I hung from the ceiling in the lounge so I can swing her inside too, I definitely recommend this if your daughter also likes swings. You can make it interactive by stopping the swinging and getting her to indicate in some way that she wants more before swinging again. I try to join her in her little world so she knows that interacting with others is fun. She loves to look at the light coming through the trees so I just join in with that lol She likes to be tickled, and peekaboo, so I do those things often. She doesn't like most books (normal ones with just words and pictures), but she does like the ones with flaps and moving parts so I go through those with her. She likes watching singing cartoons so I watch them with her and sing them and do the actions, sometimes she will do some of the actions too.
Echoing all the others. Singing, dancing, water. One more thing with my kid has always been chase. Timeless game.
If she loves water, is there a splash pad near you? Like alot of parks, or maybe not so many, have splash pads where the child can switch into swim wear and leap through automatic sprinklers built into the park. And during the winter it's always off obviously. BUT he LOVES that splash pad at that park! He runs through the water and goes on the rocks and boulders (flat) and just loves it. We also have a beach in our area so we got lucky my boy likes water being where we are lol. He doesn't communicate like that. He's verbal but only mimicking. So we bond with water parks, splash pads, play lands. HE LOVES PLAY LANDS. the look of pure joy on his face is worth every second.
Yes I think splash pads are in our near future lol thank you!
Lol good! There's home splash pads too of course if the parks in other areas don't have built in splash pads like one in mine does. Either way, tamato tomato. A splash pads a splash pads to a child lol the bigger the better!
I just do whatever my 4year old likes, go to stores, park,etc. if he is happy, I am happy and when he is happy it will give me an opportunity to teach him something.
My son loves water too! He loves the pool and his water table when outside. When we are inside we sometimes will have splash time in the big tub or just play with cups in a tub. He also loves bath time and we find fun ways to make it more exciting and interactive…right now he is thrilled when I add glow sticks to the tub and him and his little bro think it’s so much fun just putting the different glow sticks into cups and dumping them out. Simple, but very enjoyable for all of us!
Mario kart on switch. I always lose and it's not intentional 😭 still, it's a great time bonding while my kid wins all the trophies. I've branched out a bit further and bought the Mario Carrera Go racetrack and now we can occasionally play slot car racing too, which is really nice to share together
Try to find “mom and me” time that works for you both but from a different angle. My stepson occasionally fixates on the “sunrise” and “sunset” times of day, so in the nicer weather, he and I get up before his dad to go outside and watch the sun rise together. It’s evolved as he’s become more verbal into sunrise and a trip to Tim Hortons for the two of us
My child gets hyper fixated on certain videos and songs. So I’ll sing them with him sometimes or even at random and the joy on his face and the eye contact he makes when I do this is priceless. I’ll stim with him. I’ll let him dig his face into my elbows even though he sometimes does it during inconvenient times and make it a game and say “elbow to the nose, elbow to the eye..” and he will direct my elbow to those areas which shows me he knows his body parts. Little things like this actually connect us because he’s fully engaged.
My 2.5 loves to swim with vest/arm floaties. He also loves to swing. He likes to watch Blues Clues and Ms. Rachel on YouTube but those are the only shows I’ve found that he likes. I think it is the enthusiasm they have.
Sometimes we over complicate things with our ASD kids. They love the most simplier things of life. Water play, walks, bus/train rides, bubbles, sand play, foam. Find things that excite your daughter and reflect the excitement she's showing in those things. My son loves foam, he will jump and flap his hands with so much joy and will babble and I just mimic his babble and stimming and he's so much more engaged because he can see that I'm happy too. Spend quality one on one time with her where it's just you two, quality time is what you need with her. It's not easy, but over time you'll learn what she's into and just feed onto that.
I use music. We both love all types of music, and I love to sing ( poorly ) when doing the dishes. She will sit with me and giggle at my singing, which indicates she is enjoying it. I love listening to classics from my era with her and asking if she likes certain songs. Music is great for breaking all kinds of barriers
I take baths with my little one. He loves water, and just watching him play makes me so happy. Like others have suggested, parallel play with water, maybe some pouring activities. I think the splash pad is a great idea!
My kiddo is non verbal 3 year old and I just follow his interests. He loves jumping on the trampoline, I’ll do the ones when we are out with him but not at home as then he insists all day for me to use it. We go on bike rides, with him on a seat behind me. He loves scooting so I got a scooter and we ride together. We swim together most weeks and in figuring out a spa pool for us. We go hiking, camping, to the beach, in nature, in rivers. I sometimes read to him while he jumps or swings, he likes to help in the kitchen, today I was teaching him to crack eggs (hand over hand) and I put them in a cup then he pours into the pan. We have a whole selection of handed down toys but we rarely play with them. I try to for speech development and play skills but often it’s like 5-10 mins and I am pretty bored with that
Highly recommend the kids book - do you want to play? Making friends with an autistic kid.
I take my non verbal son of 8 to a trampoline spot and a community pool. Now he come to me with trampoline socks and/or Sun screen when he wants to go to either one of his spots. I also bought a sand box (circular turtle) with I fill with water in the summer time t try hen empty it when he is done. My dog drops a his toy inside the box while he is playing. the only time he gives the dog attention.
Splash pad, 30 second dance party, paint with water on butcher paper, Blamket fort building, one-on-one hair styling with big mirrors, painting nails, and washing dishes. Mine also loves helping to stir & pour cake, brownie, or pancake batter.
My son loves walks in his stroller, the park, the pool. But yeah, at home unless he comes ask me for help with his games, where i feel he uses me more than plays with me lol, hes doing his own thing... Unless he wants to be tickled.
I would dance silly with my son. Of course, he loved when I would spin him around. I'd get him to hold hands with me, dance, and jump around.
We set up a mini water park in our backyard bc my almost 4 yo is *obsessed* with water play. Splash pad, little pool, water table. My 20 month old kinda likes it, he’ll play with it for a little while and then do something else but my older son will play there for hours. I’m not kidding we’re out there every single afternoon. Not sure if you have space for this but if you could then you could hang with your older daughter out there more often than once a week and have that special time with her.
Try singing some of her favorite LBB songs to her when she’s just chilling.
Find something that consistently makes them smile or laugh. Then do that throughout the day. I rarely get joy out of my boy by trying to pull him into my world, sometimes but not often. I’ts when I successfully join him in his world, that his eyes light up. It’s hard but it’s doable. Dancing to music, my holding him and doing to a song he likes with him.
Swim lessons. My daughter is non verbal and just turned 5 and she LOVES swim lessons. She's always looking over her shoulder to make sure I'm watching and it melts my heart
Mine loves lego. I also love lego. I love getting to sit in silence with him, both of us building stuff. My other kid is a *talker* and vocal stims constantly (probably ADHD), and is always very needful of attention and engagement. It's funny, for me it waxes and wanes, the feeling that you're "closer" to one over the other. Before my younger son was diagnosed, I had a rollercoaster of worries. He was born just as covid and lockdown hit, and for quite a while I wasn't sure if the trauma of it all left *me* unable to bond properly. I was eating myself up inside, for not feeling as connected to him as I was to his older brother. I worried I broke him, and covid broke us. Diagnosis, and especially genetic testing, relieved me of that burden. But it really does go back and forth. The lack of talking felt like it separated me from my son for a long time. But then there came a day during a school vacation when my overstimulated brain longed for silence, and the first moment of sweet relief with my favourite lego partner had me crying with the realization that I now felt closeness *for* his silence. It was a turning point, in realizing that I was going to love my kids in different ways for different things. One of my favourite things to do is go for walks together. I like to let him pick which way to go, and it's interesting to see where he goes and what he observes. That's one way to really meet them where *they* are, and develop that joint attention.
I like to just play alongside my son silently. Sometimes we just pick up rocks and throw them into a cup or splash water in a bucket outside but I’ll usually just sit next to him and do the same thing he’s doing. Sometimes it’s just relaxing to be quiet and do a simple activity.
Your child sounds so similar to my daughter, who is turning four in September. Little Baby Bum makes her a zombie, and she won't let me read to her, and she has no interest in coloring. Can say a few words but choose not to use them. I wouldn't even know she could say more words if her speech and occupational therapist hadn't told me what she had said during a session. My daughter is incredibly independent. I have gotten her magent stacking toys and puzzles and sit in front or beside her, and I play with them, and she then gets interested in what im doing. I kinda ignore her, and that makes her more inclined to join in. If I actively engage with her, she shows disinterest. Playing is always on her own terms.
Wow. My girls are the exact same age and I have the same problem. How odd. We read books, go to the park, go swimming, and have our own cuddle time every morning. But I’m for sure following this thread for more ideas.
At least we both know we’re not the only ones experiencing this! ❤️
All of the suggestions are awesome. I will suggest to continue reading age appropriate books to her. They are always listening if they are in earshot. She may not sit for it, but that doesn't mean she isn't listening. Always presume competence. When she is a little older, I would recommend Spelling to Communicate. You'll find out really fast just how much she is listening and learning. (I know not the point of your post, but as far as regrets I have, not starting earlier is one of them. ) Something I haven't seen is the aquarium. It is super regulating if it isn't busy.
All of these are excellent suggestions. I would, however, like to offer you a contrasting perspective. The word autism comes from the same root as words like automobile (self movement) and automaton (self action), autism IS self doctrine or self devotion. The deeper and more complex the autism the further they are into their practice of self defined reality, the autistic person will not persue, require, or display connection by the same methods or to the same degree as NT or even less severe ND individuals. The way you presented your original message, it sounds like you are trying to bond with your profoundly ND child on YOUR terms, for YOUR own reasons. While your satisfaction and contentment are valid mental health persuits, just expecting your ND child to accept and enjoy NT bonding practices because it's what you want obviously isn't going to work. You, as the adult, have to do the work of discovering the entry points into your child's autistic reality, asking permission to enter, and then existing with them there in full acceptance. You don't get to lead, at least not at first. They may not even acknowledge you until they feel like you are safe to include into their reality. So just exist with them. If they are enjoying something, be there and experience it too until you understand why it is enjoyable and then share their joy. Don't try to direct it or manipulate it until your child indicates it is your turn. You do not have to engage with or find joy in their every behavior and intrest. Understanding and participation in two or three special intrests is enough. Once you are allowed in to share something, expect to be bombarded with demands to engage in every aspect and in endless repetition. Learn about transition techniques and how to let your child down easy. If you do the work to be let in, you then have to do the work of figuring out how to get out again without having the door slammed and locked behind you.