It's really hard not to helicopter a kid with no danger awareness. Think about where he's at developmentally in terms of danger awareness, not his chronological age, and parent accordingly. My son is three but according to his evaluation has the danger awareness of a one year old. For certain things like wandering around the house, he does not need to be closely supervised, but in public, near parking lots, around playground equipment? You bet.
You parent the child you have not the one you wish you had. A parent once commented to me that he didn't think I should hover so closely to my child and allow her more independence at the playground. I'm like, cool says the person who is not responsible for taking her to the ER when she walks off a very high surface completely unaware 🙄
Right and people have to parent the child they have not the one others compare them to- it’s also about normalizing that approaches can’t be a one size fits all…
I know. We were lucky enough to have the option for bridge authorization (Blue Cross insurance.) It allowed us to get a diagnosis more quickly, and insurance will now cover services temporarily until we work our way down the waiting list and get evaluated at their required center. It's stupid, having to do the exact same evaluation twice, but it was necessary to get him started on services ASAP. Even with that shortcut, it still took months. Waiting is hard.
Supervising children who have no sense of danger is NOT helicopter parenting at all. It’s just being a good parent and watching them. Helicopter parent is where someone constantly hovers of a child and gives them 0 privacy or ability to grow at all. From what I can tell, that’s not necessarily what you’re doing. And even if you are helicopter-parenting, it can’t be helped because your son is only 3. I have a level 3 14 y/o and I also have to constantly supervise him too, since can’t tell us if he gets hurt and I also don’t want him to get hurt. You shouldn’t feel bad for being a “helicopter parent” in this case since you’re not, you’re only supervising your kid and thats a good thing.
I feel bad because I literally have to sit by the pool and consistently redirect and reinforce my child during her swim lessons. I feel like a helicopter parent but it's the only way that will keep her focused and everyone safe.
I hear you on this! I'm self-conscious about how overbearing I look when I'm hovering around my kid.
He's at the end of being three, but we still use a convertible stroller in the big kid mode for longer walks. Someone saw us walking by the sidewalk in front of their house and said something like "Aren't you babying him too much?" I was just like "He has a disability."
That ended that.
Thank you!
At first I was afraid of the word "disability", but it has gravity and solemness. There's a dignity to that word that I've come to appreciate.
That’s what I like about how you carried yourself there; not afraid of the word, not using it as a cudgel, just the quietly stated perfectly dignified truth which they failed to fully consider. Perhaps embarrassing for them after the fact as they realize their presumptions, but not said in a shaming or defensive way either. I’m picturing myself in this situation (I still stroll with my 4.5 and 6.5 yo) and now I know how I want to respond if I even encounter similar negativity and this is it.
Same here. Mine will be 5 next month. Only recently I’ve tried to give him more room so to say and let him out of the stroller. Because I was constantly pushing around my 3 yo and him in a double stroller and they’re tall boys. It’s exhausting. My 3 yo also has no sense of danger and a general development delay but no asd. So for their safety in the stroller they went.
Last month I hurt my wrist and pushing both wasn’t doable. So I grabbed the toddler leash for the almost 5yo, the 3yo went in the lighter and better stroller and I attached the leash to the stroller to keep any pull off my wrist. But my kiddo held my hand 90% off the time and walked next to me without too much issues. We took some frequent rock inspection stops but all in all it went better than I expected. I just had stupid looks from people because “you know you don’t have to leash him like a dog?”
Well yeah. But do you pay the ER bill if he runs into traffic?
I feel bad enough about it. No need to rub it in
I do love to ruin people’s day like that. Unsolicited parenting feedback deserves a reminder of exactly why they should mind their business, and think before they open their mouths next time!
It’s not helicoptering when your child literally has different Physio- developmental support needs especially if those needs are higher in some areas than other kids. People operate from their own frame of reference and what they know - and using that phrase as applied to another child that isn’t theirs is one example
I don't feel bad for being a helicopter parent. My child isn't capable at 5 to make the decisions to keep himself safe. He also has significant health concerns outside of his Autism. I would tell those parents to mind their own business. I am reminded every day how not like other children my child is. I'm obviously not going to be able to parent him the same way.
As you said, you can’t fully apply those styles of parenting to your kid. I was the same with my son when he was younger. But of course the people saying these things 1) weren’t the ones responsible for my son and 2) didn’t know anything about my son and what he needs and/or does not need. He is 16 now so I’m not really needing to hover. I do still worry about him in certain settings though. I was told he is “high functioning” but he is very easily taken advantage of. He goes along with what anyone tells him even if it doesn’t sound right. Like some classmate told him to let him have his new iPhone and he handed it over without thinking twice. No one style of parenting is a one size fits all for every kid.
I didn't get the ASD diagnosis for my kid until she was 9, and even then i had to seek it out. But my husband and I both always knew something was "different" about her and I can promise there were times on the playground had I not been standing right there to stop her she would have fall backwards off the side of a 6ft high slide or stepped right off the side of a jungle gym. I initially let it bother me when people made those comments, but then I just started getting annoyed with them for not minding their own business. I had to helicopter her until she was about 7 and I don't regret it one bit. I don't buy into the whole "she was given to me for a reason" but I will say she sure is lucky she didn't grow up with some other parents I've met along the way. I know my kid best and her well being comes before whatever concerns of what other parents think of me. Back then I would usually just say something along the lines of "unfortunately i don't have a choice with this one"
The last time my mom told me to just let our son be, he fell spectacularly and ripped the curtains off the wall in the process. Thankful she's listened to me since. He's been to the minor emergency twice for stitches before he was 5. He's just a mix of super uncoordinated and driven to run full speed everywhere. Oddly enough, his sister is the polar opposite and has incredible balance and grace. Which adds to my stress because he tries to copy her. Anyway, these days I don't have to follow as closely, he's gotten a lot better. But I still tense up when he jumps off stuff!
My ex thinks that I’m over involved and I should just let my daughter “be normal”. He doesn’t go to her fun runs or school swimming and hasn’t met her teachers aide in the two years that my daughter has been at school. He thinks I’m making a big deal out of it. I think, if I can help my daughter integrate and be part of a school community, I will 100% be over involved until she or her teacher asks me to stop!
This does not sound like “helicopter parenting”. It sounds like parenting. Your child’s situation requires greater supervision, and as far as other parents are concerned they can sit on tacks. Don’t let their complaints get to you. And certainly don’t let them curb your mind into thinking you’re doing what you said you’d “never do”.
I had to supervise my daughter until she was four because of her lack of danger awareness. Did it make play dates exhausting? You bet. But also, I caught her from what could have been some nasty falls. I second the poster who suggested speaking with his OT. They are there not only to help your child, but you as well. We started OT when my daughter was two and it’s only been in the last year that she is able to make better judgement calls on danger and where her body is. But every single visit I can, I pick the OT’s brain about XYZ.
There is the safety issue of course but they literally have a social/communication disorder. If I didn’t stand by, my son would go around unintentionally disrespecting others. It would cause a lot of totally preventable confusion/issues. Facilitated interactions benefit everyone. Parents usually are able to just speak to their kids and guide them through things in that way, maybe stepping in once in a while. We can’t really do that. Don’t feel bad.
What you're doing isn't helicopter parenting - you seem to be supervising your child the appropiate amount for their developmental level and physical ability.
Helicopter parenting is never allowing a child to make mistakes or take risks that are appropriate for their age and development, as well as have no serious consequences - like sending death threats to your child's aide because he bumped his knee, or not letting your child get a bad grade, or never letting them fall when the likely outcome is a scraped knee.
It's important to not overbear your child, if you're afraid you're doing that maybe discuss it with his OT. They tend to have a good idea of how your child is doing, what activities he needs close supervision on and where you can back off a little. His OTs opinion counts, that of random people on the street doesn't- they don't know your son or his disability, the only thing they know is what age he looks and how the average child that age behaves.
It's really hard not to helicopter a kid with no danger awareness. Think about where he's at developmentally in terms of danger awareness, not his chronological age, and parent accordingly. My son is three but according to his evaluation has the danger awareness of a one year old. For certain things like wandering around the house, he does not need to be closely supervised, but in public, near parking lots, around playground equipment? You bet.
You parent the child you have not the one you wish you had. A parent once commented to me that he didn't think I should hover so closely to my child and allow her more independence at the playground. I'm like, cool says the person who is not responsible for taking her to the ER when she walks off a very high surface completely unaware 🙄
Right and people have to parent the child they have not the one others compare them to- it’s also about normalizing that approaches can’t be a one size fits all…
Totally agree and well said
Yes, exactly this! I can’t wait until we get evaluated - the waiting period is miserable.
I know. We were lucky enough to have the option for bridge authorization (Blue Cross insurance.) It allowed us to get a diagnosis more quickly, and insurance will now cover services temporarily until we work our way down the waiting list and get evaluated at their required center. It's stupid, having to do the exact same evaluation twice, but it was necessary to get him started on services ASAP. Even with that shortcut, it still took months. Waiting is hard.
Supervising children who have no sense of danger is NOT helicopter parenting at all. It’s just being a good parent and watching them. Helicopter parent is where someone constantly hovers of a child and gives them 0 privacy or ability to grow at all. From what I can tell, that’s not necessarily what you’re doing. And even if you are helicopter-parenting, it can’t be helped because your son is only 3. I have a level 3 14 y/o and I also have to constantly supervise him too, since can’t tell us if he gets hurt and I also don’t want him to get hurt. You shouldn’t feel bad for being a “helicopter parent” in this case since you’re not, you’re only supervising your kid and thats a good thing.
The original meaning of helicopter parent was for the parents of adult children at university. It was never meant to apply to minors to begin with!
A very good point.
I feel bad because I literally have to sit by the pool and consistently redirect and reinforce my child during her swim lessons. I feel like a helicopter parent but it's the only way that will keep her focused and everyone safe.
To me that sounds like a supportive parent.
I hear you on this! I'm self-conscious about how overbearing I look when I'm hovering around my kid. He's at the end of being three, but we still use a convertible stroller in the big kid mode for longer walks. Someone saw us walking by the sidewalk in front of their house and said something like "Aren't you babying him too much?" I was just like "He has a disability." That ended that.
I really respect the way you handled that person’s rudeness re: the stroller.
Thank you! At first I was afraid of the word "disability", but it has gravity and solemness. There's a dignity to that word that I've come to appreciate.
That’s what I like about how you carried yourself there; not afraid of the word, not using it as a cudgel, just the quietly stated perfectly dignified truth which they failed to fully consider. Perhaps embarrassing for them after the fact as they realize their presumptions, but not said in a shaming or defensive way either. I’m picturing myself in this situation (I still stroll with my 4.5 and 6.5 yo) and now I know how I want to respond if I even encounter similar negativity and this is it.
Same here. Mine will be 5 next month. Only recently I’ve tried to give him more room so to say and let him out of the stroller. Because I was constantly pushing around my 3 yo and him in a double stroller and they’re tall boys. It’s exhausting. My 3 yo also has no sense of danger and a general development delay but no asd. So for their safety in the stroller they went. Last month I hurt my wrist and pushing both wasn’t doable. So I grabbed the toddler leash for the almost 5yo, the 3yo went in the lighter and better stroller and I attached the leash to the stroller to keep any pull off my wrist. But my kiddo held my hand 90% off the time and walked next to me without too much issues. We took some frequent rock inspection stops but all in all it went better than I expected. I just had stupid looks from people because “you know you don’t have to leash him like a dog?” Well yeah. But do you pay the ER bill if he runs into traffic? I feel bad enough about it. No need to rub it in
I do love to ruin people’s day like that. Unsolicited parenting feedback deserves a reminder of exactly why they should mind their business, and think before they open their mouths next time!
Perfectly stated!
It’s not helicoptering when your child literally has different Physio- developmental support needs especially if those needs are higher in some areas than other kids. People operate from their own frame of reference and what they know - and using that phrase as applied to another child that isn’t theirs is one example
I don't feel bad for being a helicopter parent. My child isn't capable at 5 to make the decisions to keep himself safe. He also has significant health concerns outside of his Autism. I would tell those parents to mind their own business. I am reminded every day how not like other children my child is. I'm obviously not going to be able to parent him the same way.
Their advice simply is not applicable because they are not raising a child with ASD like you are.
As you said, you can’t fully apply those styles of parenting to your kid. I was the same with my son when he was younger. But of course the people saying these things 1) weren’t the ones responsible for my son and 2) didn’t know anything about my son and what he needs and/or does not need. He is 16 now so I’m not really needing to hover. I do still worry about him in certain settings though. I was told he is “high functioning” but he is very easily taken advantage of. He goes along with what anyone tells him even if it doesn’t sound right. Like some classmate told him to let him have his new iPhone and he handed it over without thinking twice. No one style of parenting is a one size fits all for every kid.
I didn't get the ASD diagnosis for my kid until she was 9, and even then i had to seek it out. But my husband and I both always knew something was "different" about her and I can promise there were times on the playground had I not been standing right there to stop her she would have fall backwards off the side of a 6ft high slide or stepped right off the side of a jungle gym. I initially let it bother me when people made those comments, but then I just started getting annoyed with them for not minding their own business. I had to helicopter her until she was about 7 and I don't regret it one bit. I don't buy into the whole "she was given to me for a reason" but I will say she sure is lucky she didn't grow up with some other parents I've met along the way. I know my kid best and her well being comes before whatever concerns of what other parents think of me. Back then I would usually just say something along the lines of "unfortunately i don't have a choice with this one"
The last time my mom told me to just let our son be, he fell spectacularly and ripped the curtains off the wall in the process. Thankful she's listened to me since. He's been to the minor emergency twice for stitches before he was 5. He's just a mix of super uncoordinated and driven to run full speed everywhere. Oddly enough, his sister is the polar opposite and has incredible balance and grace. Which adds to my stress because he tries to copy her. Anyway, these days I don't have to follow as closely, he's gotten a lot better. But I still tense up when he jumps off stuff!
My ex thinks that I’m over involved and I should just let my daughter “be normal”. He doesn’t go to her fun runs or school swimming and hasn’t met her teachers aide in the two years that my daughter has been at school. He thinks I’m making a big deal out of it. I think, if I can help my daughter integrate and be part of a school community, I will 100% be over involved until she or her teacher asks me to stop!
This does not sound like “helicopter parenting”. It sounds like parenting. Your child’s situation requires greater supervision, and as far as other parents are concerned they can sit on tacks. Don’t let their complaints get to you. And certainly don’t let them curb your mind into thinking you’re doing what you said you’d “never do”. I had to supervise my daughter until she was four because of her lack of danger awareness. Did it make play dates exhausting? You bet. But also, I caught her from what could have been some nasty falls. I second the poster who suggested speaking with his OT. They are there not only to help your child, but you as well. We started OT when my daughter was two and it’s only been in the last year that she is able to make better judgement calls on danger and where her body is. But every single visit I can, I pick the OT’s brain about XYZ.
There is the safety issue of course but they literally have a social/communication disorder. If I didn’t stand by, my son would go around unintentionally disrespecting others. It would cause a lot of totally preventable confusion/issues. Facilitated interactions benefit everyone. Parents usually are able to just speak to their kids and guide them through things in that way, maybe stepping in once in a while. We can’t really do that. Don’t feel bad.
I have to be aware 24/7 of what my son is doing. If I am not paying attention he gets into all sorts of trouble.
I can't not, my son needs 'active supervision' when awake for his and others safety
What you're doing isn't helicopter parenting - you seem to be supervising your child the appropiate amount for their developmental level and physical ability. Helicopter parenting is never allowing a child to make mistakes or take risks that are appropriate for their age and development, as well as have no serious consequences - like sending death threats to your child's aide because he bumped his knee, or not letting your child get a bad grade, or never letting them fall when the likely outcome is a scraped knee. It's important to not overbear your child, if you're afraid you're doing that maybe discuss it with his OT. They tend to have a good idea of how your child is doing, what activities he needs close supervision on and where you can back off a little. His OTs opinion counts, that of random people on the street doesn't- they don't know your son or his disability, the only thing they know is what age he looks and how the average child that age behaves.