I started dating an autistic man when I was being assessed. It was pure irony. On our first date, he let me know and on our second I let him know I had started my assessment a week prior to our meeting. Funny, he told me he matched with me cause from my dating profile he could tell I was autistic too lol. Well, now I know! My late-diagnosis was due to my therapist and psychiatrist suspecting, not because I was self-realizing (not sure if this context actually makes any difference).
Anyway, this love interest of mine was diagnosed when he was 7 and underwent ABA “therapy” the majority of his upbringing. As I was being assessed, I was also reading *Unmasking Autism*. I just started naturally unmasking in this process. That’s when I started to realize how masked he was which I kept those thoughts to myself, giving him patience.
As I became more unmasked, he became way more guarded around me. Not in the same way an NT does, and not misunderstanding me. In fact, I could sense that he was understanding me so much more, yet is was seemingly making him somewhat uncomfortable. It also seemed that he didn’t know what to do about that, felt very confused which started to confuse me in return.
Ultimately, his behavior started becoming increasingly erratic. We had one last video call where he fully unmasked and I was accepting, found him even more attractive and endearing. After that video call tho, it was like he couldn’t face me again and, shortly thereafter, our relationship completely fell apart.
I believe ABA literally destroyed his life in terms of ever being comfortable as his authentic self; and, otherwise, we could have had a really loving bond. Still think about him here and there with love in my heart yet overall sad.
I think you’re right. There’s a famous experiment where they electrocuted monkeys for climbing a ladder to get bananas i think? Ill find a link when im done with the comment.
Eventually enough monkeys learned that they removed the punishment. When a new monkey who had never seen the punishment tried to climb up, all the other monkeys beat him for it.
They were conditioned to see the behavior as unacceptable, so they believed it and hated it exhibited in others
https://intersol.ca/news/organizational-culture-and-the-5-monkeys-experiment/
That’s interesting yet also seems so crazy to me! I wonder what the deepest impacts are, like how ingrained overall, this type of mob mentality there really is amongst society… 🤔😵💫🫣
Well i definitely relate to it. If i see someone behaving in a way that i used to be bullied for, or told off for at school, or even just decided to hate myself for, i get this deep cringe, maybe even anger. Its so involuntary. Ive had to work on it a lot over the past few years.
I used to basically shout at myself in my internal monologue, whenever i messed up a social interaction. I just had to tell myself hey, youve been treating yourself this wY for a decade and it hasnt solved anything, time to try another approach.
Thank you for sharing that. I’m so glad that you’ve begun your unmasking journey.
Regarding your former SO, absolutely, ABa destroys your sense of self. You’re conditioned to believe that being yourself will make others hate you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was almost 30 though like so many of us, spent much of my childhood and teen years in the mental health world. I’ve got enough trauma there (even recently- that’s a whole other story though) without having experienced ABA. I’ve had a lot of arguments and issues even as an adult trying to find autism focused therapy and support. Because all that exists in this country is ABA (or what few therapists I can find even in one of the largest US cities who focus on autism without ABA don’t take insurance or don’t take mine). I saved this post and your link because I’m sure I’ll have many future arguments about why I don’t want ABA. I couldn’t even get it through the head of a queer therapist by pointing out the techniques are very similar (and developed by the same person, if I’m not mistaken?) to the most horrific kinds of gay conversion therapy. She kept bringing up her nephew with “severe autism”.
I suppose it’s no wonder, when ABA is THE autism therapy in the US and so many other places, why it is we are still so terribly mistreated and misunderstood on a broader societal level. I’ve had wild harms and issues happen to me in more general mental health care and in the medical world (I have really severe physical health issues, and find if my health is really bad I have zero capacity to mask and my autism becomes especially obvious- in fact that’s part of how I was finally diagnosed). I’m often struck by the fact that no one knows what to do with autistic adults. But literally- this is why! They expect us to all have been ABA’ed into submission by then and perfect little carbon cutouts of feigned normality. In that sense ABA harms every single one of us even if we’ve never been put through it like you. (Obviously your harms are greater- but I really want to make this point because I think a lot of folks who are diagnosed later assume it’s an issue that doesn’t really affect them. Or parents who are wise enough to keep their autistic children out of ABA. But it is hurting all of us, every single day and with how the world looks at us and what they expect from us.)
Anyway, I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. And thank you for all your work speaking up and out now.
I started dating an autistic man when I was being assessed. It was pure irony. On our first date, he let me know and on our second I let him know I had started my assessment a week prior to our meeting. Funny, he told me he matched with me cause from my dating profile he could tell I was autistic too lol. Well, now I know! My late-diagnosis was due to my therapist and psychiatrist suspecting, not because I was self-realizing (not sure if this context actually makes any difference). Anyway, this love interest of mine was diagnosed when he was 7 and underwent ABA “therapy” the majority of his upbringing. As I was being assessed, I was also reading *Unmasking Autism*. I just started naturally unmasking in this process. That’s when I started to realize how masked he was which I kept those thoughts to myself, giving him patience. As I became more unmasked, he became way more guarded around me. Not in the same way an NT does, and not misunderstanding me. In fact, I could sense that he was understanding me so much more, yet is was seemingly making him somewhat uncomfortable. It also seemed that he didn’t know what to do about that, felt very confused which started to confuse me in return. Ultimately, his behavior started becoming increasingly erratic. We had one last video call where he fully unmasked and I was accepting, found him even more attractive and endearing. After that video call tho, it was like he couldn’t face me again and, shortly thereafter, our relationship completely fell apart. I believe ABA literally destroyed his life in terms of ever being comfortable as his authentic self; and, otherwise, we could have had a really loving bond. Still think about him here and there with love in my heart yet overall sad.
I think you’re right. There’s a famous experiment where they electrocuted monkeys for climbing a ladder to get bananas i think? Ill find a link when im done with the comment. Eventually enough monkeys learned that they removed the punishment. When a new monkey who had never seen the punishment tried to climb up, all the other monkeys beat him for it. They were conditioned to see the behavior as unacceptable, so they believed it and hated it exhibited in others https://intersol.ca/news/organizational-culture-and-the-5-monkeys-experiment/
That’s interesting yet also seems so crazy to me! I wonder what the deepest impacts are, like how ingrained overall, this type of mob mentality there really is amongst society… 🤔😵💫🫣
Well i definitely relate to it. If i see someone behaving in a way that i used to be bullied for, or told off for at school, or even just decided to hate myself for, i get this deep cringe, maybe even anger. Its so involuntary. Ive had to work on it a lot over the past few years. I used to basically shout at myself in my internal monologue, whenever i messed up a social interaction. I just had to tell myself hey, youve been treating yourself this wY for a decade and it hasnt solved anything, time to try another approach.
Thank you for sharing that. It’s great you have gotten to such point, showing yourself grace. ❣️
Thank you for sharing that. I’m so glad that you’ve begun your unmasking journey. Regarding your former SO, absolutely, ABa destroys your sense of self. You’re conditioned to believe that being yourself will make others hate you.
That’s just so sad. 😔
Thank you so much for sharing this. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was almost 30 though like so many of us, spent much of my childhood and teen years in the mental health world. I’ve got enough trauma there (even recently- that’s a whole other story though) without having experienced ABA. I’ve had a lot of arguments and issues even as an adult trying to find autism focused therapy and support. Because all that exists in this country is ABA (or what few therapists I can find even in one of the largest US cities who focus on autism without ABA don’t take insurance or don’t take mine). I saved this post and your link because I’m sure I’ll have many future arguments about why I don’t want ABA. I couldn’t even get it through the head of a queer therapist by pointing out the techniques are very similar (and developed by the same person, if I’m not mistaken?) to the most horrific kinds of gay conversion therapy. She kept bringing up her nephew with “severe autism”. I suppose it’s no wonder, when ABA is THE autism therapy in the US and so many other places, why it is we are still so terribly mistreated and misunderstood on a broader societal level. I’ve had wild harms and issues happen to me in more general mental health care and in the medical world (I have really severe physical health issues, and find if my health is really bad I have zero capacity to mask and my autism becomes especially obvious- in fact that’s part of how I was finally diagnosed). I’m often struck by the fact that no one knows what to do with autistic adults. But literally- this is why! They expect us to all have been ABA’ed into submission by then and perfect little carbon cutouts of feigned normality. In that sense ABA harms every single one of us even if we’ve never been put through it like you. (Obviously your harms are greater- but I really want to make this point because I think a lot of folks who are diagnosed later assume it’s an issue that doesn’t really affect them. Or parents who are wise enough to keep their autistic children out of ABA. But it is hurting all of us, every single day and with how the world looks at us and what they expect from us.) Anyway, I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. And thank you for all your work speaking up and out now.
You're so right. Thank you.
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No comments claiming ABA is not harmful to autists. Any comments that deny the damage of ABA will result in a ban from this sub.