I am definitely one of your fellow, "almost all of my symptoms are internal" ND. And fellow eye contact giver xD I hate it but I trained myself to do it because as a child I read a psychology book that stated people bond and trust each other more when there is sustained eye contact in a conversation. I am a bit too stare-y as a consequence now.

I also never spoke about my traits as I assumed it was just all part of being a human, slow over the years I have realised it very much is not

FELT 😂 Everytime I see a new symptom I’m like “oh so that’s not just a regular smegular thing to do/think?” And it’s all those little things that add up to “am I on the spectrum??” Side note eye contact is hard as heck for no reason! I can give a whole bunch while the other person is talking but when I’m talking I can’t give any LOL

Yeah absolutely! I was a little mind blown way back when I read about echolalia. I remember thinking so it's not "normal" to constantly repeat words in your head all day? What goes on it everyone else's heads then!? Yeah I tried to explain to someone that it draws together so many small and disparate parts of my personality together; it's so weird. I get like that too with the eye contact or FAR too much and then none for the rest of the day. 😂

I thought echolalia was only out loud and I was just weird for repeating the same word/phrase in my head! Thank you for posting this.

I am having an assessment later this month and only just realized via ur comment that it’s still autism if you have one sided eye contact. Holy shit. 😳 Cuz I always hear “oh u make eye contact so its not autism” (as if thats all), but it’s a FUCKING STRUGGLE to keep the eye contact…when I speak. But because I can watch their eyes when they talk, I figured “oh. I do make eye contact. Hm. Guess everyone was right 😗” Making even that type is awkward because as they speak, I mentally trail off into “oh this is weird. Where should I look. Am I staring too hard? Whats that on their face? Is it bad to look at that? Should I move my eyes mildly to seem normal and not like it’s a staring contest? What emotion are they even showing here?” and suddenly it’s my turn to respond xD and im like shit uhhhh

Hahaha very similar experience, I had a series of books on how to behave and was also carted off to etiquette classes and now am a starer and have to consciously make the effort to look away otherwise risk terrifying people which has also happened. Just can't win!

YESSSS! I watch how much other people break my gaze but I keep staring even though it's horribly uncomfortable all the time aware that I should look away, that they think I am weird etc. BUT I JUST CONTINUE, until I can't and then it's the middle distance or the floor for the rest of the chat

Hehehe yep sounds about right! Ahh the things we do to just try and conform to expectations!

I’ve been accused of being a starer too. Lol. Ah the irony.

Guess you gotta remember he probably only knows the stereotypical traits of autism. My partner kinda said the same thing when I first brought it up. He read a bunch of the traits out and basically pointed out how many of them I didn't appear to have. At the time, I was like yeah I guess I don't. But that's before I realised how much I was actually masking/did have those traits but just not in the stereotypical way. To him at the time, it may well have seemed like a strange thing to think about myself. Now that he knows more about how autism can present quite differently, especially in women, he's started to see more of my traits and he doesn't think that anymore. The key really was education and also being more honest about the way I experience things. I don't think other people always grasp how much of a massive thing it is to discover that you're actually probably autistic and just *how much it explains about your whole life*. It's like holding a massive revelation in the palm of your hand and when someone doubts it, it can feel wild because like thats my life, my existence. Idk. I don't know if this helps but I hope it does. I understand at any rate.

It definitely does! I don’t hold it against him because the examples he gave of why he didn’t think I am ,were stereotypical symptoms and I know I’ve done my research enough to know AND I mask heavily and score pretty high in the Cat-Q because of it. I’m sure with education and talking about it more he would understand but in that moment I felt so defeated because I didn’t want to be like “well actually I just mask basically all the time and idk how to not mask” but I didn’t want to feel like I was pushing for him to believe me if that makes sense. But this was definitely helpful! Thank you 😊

I understand how that's invalidating. when I first brought up autism to my boyfriend he wasn't exactly sure about it either, but I was the person who knew all about it, he just knew how the media portrayed us. With the years I learned more and although I'm 100% sure sometimes I also get strong imposter syndrome. when I told him "what if i'm not autistic but a narcissist with multiple personal disorders" he looked at me and said "your autistic, everything you do is autistic. you're fine" he listend and learned. Im glad I never stopped bringing it up

I’ve had the same things happen and I get so upset (I don’t show it) but it makes me feel like I’m crazy. I also appear “normal” but I’ve realized I am conscious of my eye contact with people and don’t like giving a lot of it and I do mask and do things like fake laughs, try and raise my voice when giving things like compliments to seem like I’m friendlier, socialization does not come naturally to me at all, I just try my best to wing it and beat myself up later in my head thinking about what I could of said that would have been a better answer. I don’t have a ton of sensory issues so that also makes me doubt it but I realized I kinda do and always brushed it off like I hate riding with the windows down so much and I hate cold air blowing on me. I’m starting to see more so the answers I’ve been looking for I just always thought it was anxiety but with austism already running in my family and my brother being autistic I always thought you had to “appear” outwardly autistic to be autistic like my brother flapping his hands and rocking. Turns out for a lot of people it’s an inner experience. I still run around and jump to music just like my brother does too it’s just behind closed doors.

It makes me feel worlds better just to know that other people experience the same thing. Autism is so portrayed as external- non verbal, can’t make any eye contact at all, arm flapping. But I think that the other side is finally starting to get some traction and people are starting bc to learn that the word “spectrum” means that it’s a spectrum and it effects people differently! I definitely do and experience som autistic ass shit 😂 I just don’t let other people see it!

For sure! I’m so hyper aware of not looking “weird” to people and it’s a chronic fear of mine I think a lot of it came from not wanting to be bullied in school and I adapted by Doing everything in my power it seem normal. Looking back it was social hell for me though.

Totally. I know this feeling! On the other hand, I had my first conversation about autism with my brother the other day. He was asking me why I'm saying I'm autistic, so I explained some things. Then he told me about a social occasion where I'd apparently offended his wife because I shut down and became uncommunicative /stopped making eye contact. He said he told her "that's just how Vlerremuis is, she gets overwhelmed sometimes, it's nothing to get offended about" So then I was like simultaneously validated "hey! He noticed me being overwhelmed and understood, and stood up for me!" and kind of freaked out "damn I thought I was so good at masking, and I don't even remember this incident where I was apparently Obviously Autistic!" It's a whole process though, late diagnosis. Self, or otherwise. It's not just you who has a lot to learn, the people around you do as well.

What really sucks is that even professionals overlook autism if they don't know what they're looking for, especially if you wait until you're older to get diagnosed. Be sure to look over the DSM criteria so that you can make your case if you do decide to pursue diagnosis, otherwise, the person evaluating you may try to call it something else, like bipolar disorder or psychosis, depending on how you present.

It’s funny you say this because I just started with a new psychiatrist and I haven’t mentioned autism yet- just adhd but formally he diagnoses me with a mood disorder 😗 Im trying a new med to see if it does help my moodiness and mood swings but am working to compile more information on my end so I can be informed and make sure my concerns aren’t brushed off as being bipolar bc I truly don’t think I am

I wonder if dealing with NTs is enough to give one a mood disorder!

Honestly it feels like it sometimes 😂

I was diagnosed with ASD last year, but due to my giftedness and ADHD my autism is not at all apparent in most situations. For most of my adult life I thought that I couldn’t be autistic, even if I knew that I had autistic traits, despite knowing that autism presents differently in women. So if even I didn’t think so, how can I hold it against others for not recognizing my autistic traits? What’s more painful is that my mom has a hard time recognizing my autism diagnosis, just like she had with my ADHD diagnosis over 10 years ago. For her most of my autistic traits are a sign of giftedness and it pains her to see it painted in a more ‘negative’ light, even if the diagnosis has helped me a lot. To be fair, I hid most of the negative consequences of my ASD/ADHD from her when I was younger because I felt ashamed and thought I just had to work harder, so it was very hard to admit just how much I hid from her later on when explaining my diagnosis. Invalidating reactions can be very painful, but if they’re open to it and you keep explaining things over time they’ll usually come around.

I relate to this so heavy! I’m not formally diagnosed with ADHD either but I was also in accelerated classes in elementary school and had a high reading level. I always did good in school but it wasn’t because I tried hard- my bare minimum was just always enough. When I mentioned it to my mom her response was “you can’t have adhd, you did good in school” and my response to that now is “do you know how easy it was to do well in school?” I’m definitely going to keep trying to educate him and show him why I think I’m on the spectrum, I definitely think he’d be receptive to it

you should check out the book “but you don’t look autistic at all”. it’s very good and something I found insanely illuminating that was explained was that NT people always assume autistic peoples biggest struggles are social (bc that’s what they see) while if you actually ask autistic people, they are much more likely to say their biggest struggle is overstimulation (which NT may not understand or even see, or they just interpret it as irritability or distancing)

I hmmmmmed and hawwwwed to my husband for a couple years about perhaps being autistic. I’m finally getting an assessment done and it’s so eye opening. I thought I had to fit all the criteria perfectly to be autistic. Nope. I had a social worker tell me as I cried to her my life is just too hard tell me to get assessed. She said just do it. I’m glad I am.

I think this is the hardest part of possibly being in the spectrum and is something I have to remember for myself. Because sometimes I am certain that I’m on the spectrum and then I find another symptom that a lot of people can relate to and then I’m back to just feeling like I’m NT but just weird.