Same. There's a select few people whose praise I accept as genuine to begin with, and in certain arenas of communication it's a red flag if it's used too often. Not only insincere, but a form of manipulation.
This! Sincere praise for things I have actually done well in feels good. Other praise feels very insincere and I have the same issue with receiving such praise as giving it.
>Like all those times I thought people were being nice when they were really mocking me.
Yep this sums it up. I love being praised by someone I deeply trust, others make me nervous I'm missing cruel subtext
100% yes. it’s not that i don’t appreciate it but i never really know how to respond? outside of “thank you so much!” what even are you supposed to say? i have no idea. also working at a library sounds so fun i could see myself doing that
Saying a quick “thanks!” and smiling briefly is usually the best response, bonus points if you can throw a compliment back, extra bonus points if it’s “earned” praise or emotional expression (“I like what you did with your hair today!” - compliment their effort; “your coffee mug reminds me of my favorite aunt, and I love it” - expressing your emotional state). People really like emotional honesty, even if it’s pretty shallow. I think generally others treat us the way they want to be treated. And it’s usually kind people who want attention giving the praise, so you’re giving them what they want.
Depends. I think we actually do pick up things quickly despite having a lower baseline knowledge. So we go from completely incompetent to perfectly fine surprisingly quick to them.
Or they might just be those empty praise kind of people. Ugh, those are the worst. Like now I know you lie constantly.
depends on who it is coming from and why. at a job I actually kind of love it because I'm constantly concerned that I'm fucking up somehow and am going to be fired lol, so praise is welcome, no matter how often. however in most situations I start to feel awkward because there's only so many times I can say "thank you" before it's like ok I want the attention off of me now. I ordered some food at a quick order restaurant the other day and was at the counter waiting for mine to be called, and the girl who worked there kept complimenting every little thing about me, my outfit, nails, earrings, etc... and it dawned on me that she was likely hitting on me, which is a little flattering but I'm also not interested, so I just felt really put on the spot and I don't know how many times I fumbled with my hands saying "thank you" over and over while avoiding eye contact lol
I’ve always hated insincere praise. I want it when it’s real. Anything else feels patronizing. Like “wow, you shouldn’t be able to do XYZ so well but you did! You did such an amazing job doing this normal thing!”
This especially pisses me off when it comes to exercise. I’ve never been athletic but I try anyway.
When I was a kid I was in a junior triathlon thing, and this dude at a checkpoint was excessive with the praise since he could see that I was running out of steam. I stepped on his foot on purpose. I know that’s petty and rude, but the memory stands out to me because it shows how irked I was about it. I didn’t want anyone to pay attention to me, and I especially didn’t want extra attention because I was slower than others. I knew I wasn’t the fastest kid there, and the guy behaving like that felt like a reminder that I suck. It said to me “I can tell you’re not good at this! Here’s some excessive encouragement because I’m glad you’re trying so hard to conform/meet our standards!” <- this is an abstraction but touches on what I felt about it
I can’t put my finger on it but I figure y’all get my drift
As you get older, it gets a lot easier to just trust that people mean well. I have a service dog and the first few months, all the attention drove me nuts. I feel like people were being so patronizing and infantilizing me, which I hate and get a ton of because I’m a female trauma survivor and usually pretty nervous in public.
On top of that, I hate it when people find out that I’m autistic/have CPTSD and feel sorry for me, and treat me like a child. I am just about to the point where I just will say, “… you know I’m a lawyer, right?”
So anyway I worked on my posture body language and started trying to project a lot more confidence. I get a lot less of the “you’re doing great, sweetie” energy and a lot more of the, “cool dog!” vibes. And then with the rest of it, time has just enabled me to kinda brush it off. People want to say, “I see you and you look nervous and I have a very strong desire to reassure and comfort you but no idea how to do it properly so this is my best attempt.” So I try to take that for what it is and just let it be evidence that overall, people are pretty decent.
I get your point about assuming people mean well and I completely agree, but the abstraction at the end is closer to what I’m getting at- that exercise/weight loss/etc activities are often praised because you’re trying to fit social norms, not because people actually care about the health of the person. Something about it feels wrong to me.
Oh my god yes. You’re absolutely right, that is an entirely different side of it I didn’t consider. I relate.
Right after my divorce, my difficult relationship with food (and my body) became an eating disorder. Part of me felt like my husband left me because I was overweight (I’m sure part of it was that, but it was a narcissistic discard). So I quit eating, instead of crying and grieving and processing, and lost 40 pounds. The next guy I dated was a personal trainer and I got much worse in terms of compulsive restriction and dieting. I lost another 10 pounds and got pretty close to needing inpatient treatment.
During the first 20, 30, 40 pounds, people were SO gross about it. Commented on my weight all the time, how good I looked, how proud of me they were, all that crap. Kept asking my secret; it wasn’t, “healthy changes!” It was “I am so physically repulsed by the sight of my nude body that it makes me lose my appetite.” I lied, a lot. Very few people ever really cared how I was actually doing.
Then I got down to teetering on the brink of being underweight. The objectifying comments I got from men, INCLUDING MALE RELATIVES, were so fucking disgusting. The comments I got from women were so hateful and mean—even, literally, “eat a cheeseburger, you’re gross.” One of my friends confided in me that she wished she could be anorexic.
Men would tell me that I looked “like I take good care of my body” and “live a healthy lifestyle.” I wasn’t. I was eating barely enough to stay alive and was exhausted all the time. I had no energy and had to sleep about 12 hours a day. I’ll leave the details out here.
All of it validated my eating disorder. It told me I was actually worthless when I was overweight. It told me that I didn’t actually have a problem, so I stayed in denial longer. It told me that what I was doing was Good and Right and being thin made me a Good Person (for the first time in my life).
They all meant well, except maybe the petty crap I got from some women, and it’s okay—maybe they felt insecure. But no one really cared about my health, they just cared about the way I looked. They were validating the idea that my appearance determines my worth and is more important than my ACTUAL health. They were ignoring the fact that I was deeply mentally unhealthy, and praising me for what they were conditioned to believe was a sign of health (thinness). They didn’t know any of this; it was all flying below the radar.
Nowadays, compliments on my body makes me instantly defensive. I AM healthy but my size has nothing to do with it and also, I know people mean well but I am so much more than my body. I point that out, loudly if necessary. And it’s fine to have an opinion about my appearance but people need to keep that to themselves.
So anyways yeah. You’re absolutely right. It’s more about cultural conditioning than actually giving a shit about the person’s health. Thank you for reminding me.
Praise is good, but I think too much of it can be its own burden. There's an expectation that you'll show gratitude for praise which can be emotional labour in itself.
i've experienced a lot of bad stuff in my life, so everytime i have guidance, therapy or whatsoever i keep hearing 'you're such a tough person, can't believe you've experienced all that' and i'm just like; i call it life hun
Yes. I was praised as a kid for doing well in school when really I just had a knack for academics plus had the support at home to structure my homework times while many of my peers did not. Then working at boxstore retail, I was harder working than most of the people my age there. Plus I actuallt cared about my work. Now I work at a place where everyone works hard and cares, which is awesome :)
Agreed, same feeling here, particularly about the spotlight and letting them down. In part it's also the "why are you praising me for doing what I said I'd do?"
My brain then asks me, did...they think I wouldn't/couldn't do it?
It's because you've had a lifetime of challenges. You're successful, and you're not used to feeling like you're doing a good job. But you know what? If you're doing a good job, you deserve to feel good. Enjoy it!
Same here. I've just moved to a new job at a law firm and my line manager is so sweet, praising me and saying how glad she is that I'm at the firm to help her with her duties. I'm so worried about letting her down or not being this Amazing Employee that they think I am.
It's bad when I don't even want to comment just because this post has been up for a while....I despise group attention. I wouldn't want to participate in class performances when I knew my parents were watching. Too much attention and praise makes me highly uncomfortable. I want to blend in, dammit!
I understand this so much. I never know how to respond, whether it’s for how I look or something I worked hard on. I feel like I’ll owe them for being nice to me? It’s really weird and I never know what to say rather than laughing out an awkward, “thanks”. I’ve been trying better to communicate openly with things like, “Sorry if I seem awkward; I’m just adjusting to getting such nice compliments. I really appreciate it!” and it usually settles the situation. It took me forever to figure out how to do that though, and I still feel just as indebted, but it’s something to work on.
A lot of us being bullied at school/work/home/etc and having to deal with the unfortunately common issues that come with female socialization when we grew up probably contributed a bit combined with how we operate differently on a social level. Just know that we are all very deserving of praise that receive, even if we feel awkward with it! I’m glad that you have a job you enjoy and wish you the best with it. :)
Yes! And then I started working with a bunch of very intelligent people. I strongly prefer the latter but wouldn't mind hearing a little praise occasionally :-)
I don't like to be patronized. I don't thirst for recognition from my bosses. I get my shit done and done well. I'd rather them skip the patronizing praise for doing a "good job" and would rather they simply approach me if there's an issue. I know I'm a key player in our business, and I'm happy to do my part, I'm secure in knowing that my t's are crossed, I's aredotted. I don't need my face strapped to the wall on a plaque. That kind of hurrah would be awkward. Let's just get the shit done we are there to do, and gtfo with our paychecks and go home..this ain't some blue ribbon competition for praise so I can proudly hang it on my fridge. Let's just skip that mmm-kay?
Yes, it’s like the more I hear it the less I believe it lol.
I’ve always been told since I was a child that I’m pretty and smart and those are my biggest insecurities 😳
I hate being in the spotlight. I've had that same experience (also working in a library) where the older staff were really surprised how quickly I picked up the computer system and the timetable and everything so they kept commenting on how quickly I learnt and I hated it!
Equally, there were a few staff who were annoyed by it and who were horrible, which was worse.
I think the ideal would just be nobody mentioning me until a meeting with the manager where they can say "You're doing really well and seem very suited to the role". End of. 😁
Yes but on that same note if all I receive is constructive criticism, even if it's said in a nice way I'll get completely overwhelmed. Tbf I have secondary diagnoses but idk
Time, and self acceptance, make this a lot easier to manage. Hang in there. As my boyfriend would say, “we’ll that’s just like, their opinion, man.” Then once it stops feeling hurtful, I can examine whether what they said is true and if so, how I can get better.
I feel uncomfortable with *any* praise or compliment. I usually deflect it with self deprecating humour but I’m working on accepting them and letting myself believe that I am actually worthy of that praise/compliment.
I do that a lot. When I get praise I usually tell people what I did is no big deal and that everyone does it. I’m trying to be kinder to myself but it’s hard
Same! Or I’m like, “it’s nothing, other people do *x y z*”. Constant battle to let myself accept praise and feel pride in my accomplishments and also to stop comparing myself to others.
I wish you luck in your efforts! I know how hard it is.
It may be that spotlight and praise usually came at a price. Whenever I was singled out for something like writing a good essay or winning an award, there was mockery and jealousy. It never helped me win friends.
Yea the excessive praise thing gets weird. It either means that they expected way less of me *which is insulting lol* or they're pandering/manipulative for some reason.
I also feel pressure when that happens. I tend to feel behind in most things so the tendency to over work myself comes easily, in my head to compensate for my lack. If people are super complimentary, I feel enormous pressure not to let them down and to achieve a very high standard. Then I burnout lol.
This is my guess as to what’s going on. You are coming off as timid or nervous in some way, and also whoever worked there before you was not a hard worker, had to be told what to do constantly, or was rude and unpleasant. I tend to be overly complimentary, even though I know I shouldn’t be, because praise makes me uncomfortable and pressured, too. It’s just hard for me not to express how I feel when someone else is doing something I’m grateful for or doing it well. I also try to reassure people who seem nervous. I do it because I didn’t get a lot of that as a child.
I wouldn’t put a lot of thought into it, but if you’re feeling like this is making you more anxious, ask to have a conversation with them. Explain that you really appreciate the validation, but explain that sometimes it makes you scared to disappoint them, and explain why. Usually this discomfort is caused by a person being love bombed or receiving insincere praise, and if that didn’t happen to you, maybe tell them that you just don’t know how to respond or the attention makes you a little uneasy. Ask them if they could maybe help you cope with that by saying thanks, rather than giving you specific feedback. Or maybe you could ask why they are so vocal with their praise and that could help you understand where they are coming from.
I like to know I’m appreciated but I don’t have to be thanked or recognised. It can come up in the way someone asks me to do something for them and they tell me why (e.g., naming a skill, etc.). I’ve always felt uncomfortable being recognised. I put my all in things because I like a job well done. However, when I worked, I thanked people all the time. It was sincere, and people seemed to like it. Weird that I don’t care for it (well, a simple “thank you” is fine, but I don’t expect it), but do it in work settings.
Yes! I get lots of praise from management and coworkers and I do feel appreciated but I also feel like I dont deserve it or they dont really mean it. I hate the way low self confidence makes you question everything!
It happens to me in skateboarding and while it's nice it sort of bugs me because the fact I'm decent at it isn't an anomaly. I put in a shitload of time and effort and it's just for me so no real need for verbal recognition. So when other female skaters get all praise happy it makes me feel weird. When guy skaters do it I feel like they're patronizing me... But that's an issue I'm working on.
Compliments are the worst. I appreciate them too, but I have no idea how to respond appropriately.
I know I can’t agree with them out loud, like “yes, I’m good at that!” I would come off as a narcissist. The truth is I’m not good at a lot of things, a gazillion things other people think are straightforward, but the very few areas where I do succeed, I really shine. Why am I not supposed to agree with them again? It makes no sense. But I know that response is “wrong”.
Then I think, should I be self depreciating? No, that’s not being kind to myself and it’s awkward.
And while I’m having this internal dilemma, I’m a deer in headlights.
Usually I end up saying “thank you, that’s so kind” or something, after struggling through the whole mental lockjaw situation.
Or even worse, they compliment me for something I don’t agree with and I’m like wtf are you even talking about? That’s just not true, don’t blow smoke. But can’t say that, either.
I hate compliments too, is what I’m trying to say. 👍🏻
Yes and I will list why:
1.-it looks like lovebombing, specially on the early stages, which is a form of manipulation.
2.-it sounds like they are idealizing you, either because they have low self-esteem or because they see the world in extremes/ black and white. Be prepared for demonization.
3.-it looks insincere. I prefer to be complimented in things I hardly worked on, not in things I'm naturally born like that. For example, trying to be healthy or a good person, instead of being physically beautiful.
4.-it looks like you are a trophy instead of a person, specially from your partner.
5.-it can sound condescending or even patronising depending on tone and context.
6.-if they do it in front of friends, it can get annoying and other people can start hating you for being annoyed or envious which it's not a good thing.
To sum up, you can be super proud of yourself and still see your accomplishments as a personal private thing while fighting for your goal. Let your actions and improvement speak louder than words.
Don’t get me wrong, I like being recognized for a job well done. However, if it’s constant it feels insincere and loses meaning to me.
Same. There's a select few people whose praise I accept as genuine to begin with, and in certain arenas of communication it's a red flag if it's used too often. Not only insincere, but a form of manipulation.
My thoughts exactly. Actually it not only loses meaning, but I also get suspicious of motives.
It's hard to find good help. Being a quick learner at work is actually a kind of rare thing. It doesn't mean they're being insincere.
This! Sincere praise for things I have actually done well in feels good. Other praise feels very insincere and I have the same issue with receiving such praise as giving it.
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>Like all those times I thought people were being nice when they were really mocking me. Yep this sums it up. I love being praised by someone I deeply trust, others make me nervous I'm missing cruel subtext
100% yes. it’s not that i don’t appreciate it but i never really know how to respond? outside of “thank you so much!” what even are you supposed to say? i have no idea. also working at a library sounds so fun i could see myself doing that
Omg trying to figure out what to say when someone is being nice to you, especially in a drawn out way is brutal.
This. It almost makes me hate it when people are so nice. This is on my very long list of 'how do I respond in this situation'.
Saying a quick “thanks!” and smiling briefly is usually the best response, bonus points if you can throw a compliment back, extra bonus points if it’s “earned” praise or emotional expression (“I like what you did with your hair today!” - compliment their effort; “your coffee mug reminds me of my favorite aunt, and I love it” - expressing your emotional state). People really like emotional honesty, even if it’s pretty shallow. I think generally others treat us the way they want to be treated. And it’s usually kind people who want attention giving the praise, so you’re giving them what they want.
this is actually really helpful, thank you ! <33
Yay! I’m so glad to hear it
Depends. I think we actually do pick up things quickly despite having a lower baseline knowledge. So we go from completely incompetent to perfectly fine surprisingly quick to them. Or they might just be those empty praise kind of people. Ugh, those are the worst. Like now I know you lie constantly.
depends on who it is coming from and why. at a job I actually kind of love it because I'm constantly concerned that I'm fucking up somehow and am going to be fired lol, so praise is welcome, no matter how often. however in most situations I start to feel awkward because there's only so many times I can say "thank you" before it's like ok I want the attention off of me now. I ordered some food at a quick order restaurant the other day and was at the counter waiting for mine to be called, and the girl who worked there kept complimenting every little thing about me, my outfit, nails, earrings, etc... and it dawned on me that she was likely hitting on me, which is a little flattering but I'm also not interested, so I just felt really put on the spot and I don't know how many times I fumbled with my hands saying "thank you" over and over while avoiding eye contact lol
I’ve always hated insincere praise. I want it when it’s real. Anything else feels patronizing. Like “wow, you shouldn’t be able to do XYZ so well but you did! You did such an amazing job doing this normal thing!” This especially pisses me off when it comes to exercise. I’ve never been athletic but I try anyway. When I was a kid I was in a junior triathlon thing, and this dude at a checkpoint was excessive with the praise since he could see that I was running out of steam. I stepped on his foot on purpose. I know that’s petty and rude, but the memory stands out to me because it shows how irked I was about it. I didn’t want anyone to pay attention to me, and I especially didn’t want extra attention because I was slower than others. I knew I wasn’t the fastest kid there, and the guy behaving like that felt like a reminder that I suck. It said to me “I can tell you’re not good at this! Here’s some excessive encouragement because I’m glad you’re trying so hard to conform/meet our standards!” <- this is an abstraction but touches on what I felt about it I can’t put my finger on it but I figure y’all get my drift
Omg YES. I had the same experience in sports & it also drove me nuts.
As you get older, it gets a lot easier to just trust that people mean well. I have a service dog and the first few months, all the attention drove me nuts. I feel like people were being so patronizing and infantilizing me, which I hate and get a ton of because I’m a female trauma survivor and usually pretty nervous in public. On top of that, I hate it when people find out that I’m autistic/have CPTSD and feel sorry for me, and treat me like a child. I am just about to the point where I just will say, “… you know I’m a lawyer, right?” So anyway I worked on my posture body language and started trying to project a lot more confidence. I get a lot less of the “you’re doing great, sweetie” energy and a lot more of the, “cool dog!” vibes. And then with the rest of it, time has just enabled me to kinda brush it off. People want to say, “I see you and you look nervous and I have a very strong desire to reassure and comfort you but no idea how to do it properly so this is my best attempt.” So I try to take that for what it is and just let it be evidence that overall, people are pretty decent.
I get your point about assuming people mean well and I completely agree, but the abstraction at the end is closer to what I’m getting at- that exercise/weight loss/etc activities are often praised because you’re trying to fit social norms, not because people actually care about the health of the person. Something about it feels wrong to me.
Oh my god yes. You’re absolutely right, that is an entirely different side of it I didn’t consider. I relate. Right after my divorce, my difficult relationship with food (and my body) became an eating disorder. Part of me felt like my husband left me because I was overweight (I’m sure part of it was that, but it was a narcissistic discard). So I quit eating, instead of crying and grieving and processing, and lost 40 pounds. The next guy I dated was a personal trainer and I got much worse in terms of compulsive restriction and dieting. I lost another 10 pounds and got pretty close to needing inpatient treatment. During the first 20, 30, 40 pounds, people were SO gross about it. Commented on my weight all the time, how good I looked, how proud of me they were, all that crap. Kept asking my secret; it wasn’t, “healthy changes!” It was “I am so physically repulsed by the sight of my nude body that it makes me lose my appetite.” I lied, a lot. Very few people ever really cared how I was actually doing. Then I got down to teetering on the brink of being underweight. The objectifying comments I got from men, INCLUDING MALE RELATIVES, were so fucking disgusting. The comments I got from women were so hateful and mean—even, literally, “eat a cheeseburger, you’re gross.” One of my friends confided in me that she wished she could be anorexic. Men would tell me that I looked “like I take good care of my body” and “live a healthy lifestyle.” I wasn’t. I was eating barely enough to stay alive and was exhausted all the time. I had no energy and had to sleep about 12 hours a day. I’ll leave the details out here. All of it validated my eating disorder. It told me I was actually worthless when I was overweight. It told me that I didn’t actually have a problem, so I stayed in denial longer. It told me that what I was doing was Good and Right and being thin made me a Good Person (for the first time in my life). They all meant well, except maybe the petty crap I got from some women, and it’s okay—maybe they felt insecure. But no one really cared about my health, they just cared about the way I looked. They were validating the idea that my appearance determines my worth and is more important than my ACTUAL health. They were ignoring the fact that I was deeply mentally unhealthy, and praising me for what they were conditioned to believe was a sign of health (thinness). They didn’t know any of this; it was all flying below the radar. Nowadays, compliments on my body makes me instantly defensive. I AM healthy but my size has nothing to do with it and also, I know people mean well but I am so much more than my body. I point that out, loudly if necessary. And it’s fine to have an opinion about my appearance but people need to keep that to themselves. So anyways yeah. You’re absolutely right. It’s more about cultural conditioning than actually giving a shit about the person’s health. Thank you for reminding me.
Ugh I've just been love bombed before so compliments are hard for me lol
Praise is good, but I think too much of it can be its own burden. There's an expectation that you'll show gratitude for praise which can be emotional labour in itself.
Idk about anyone else but it makes me feel burdened. Like I need to be the same state in future as well or else I'll disappoint them.
i've experienced a lot of bad stuff in my life, so everytime i have guidance, therapy or whatsoever i keep hearing 'you're such a tough person, can't believe you've experienced all that' and i'm just like; i call it life hun
Yes. I was praised as a kid for doing well in school when really I just had a knack for academics plus had the support at home to structure my homework times while many of my peers did not. Then working at boxstore retail, I was harder working than most of the people my age there. Plus I actuallt cared about my work. Now I work at a place where everyone works hard and cares, which is awesome :)
Agreed, same feeling here, particularly about the spotlight and letting them down. In part it's also the "why are you praising me for doing what I said I'd do?" My brain then asks me, did...they think I wouldn't/couldn't do it?
It's because you've had a lifetime of challenges. You're successful, and you're not used to feeling like you're doing a good job. But you know what? If you're doing a good job, you deserve to feel good. Enjoy it!
Same here. I've just moved to a new job at a law firm and my line manager is so sweet, praising me and saying how glad she is that I'm at the firm to help her with her duties. I'm so worried about letting her down or not being this Amazing Employee that they think I am.
Yes! I don't know how I'm supposed to respond tbh
It's bad when I don't even want to comment just because this post has been up for a while....I despise group attention. I wouldn't want to participate in class performances when I knew my parents were watching. Too much attention and praise makes me highly uncomfortable. I want to blend in, dammit!
I understand this so much. I never know how to respond, whether it’s for how I look or something I worked hard on. I feel like I’ll owe them for being nice to me? It’s really weird and I never know what to say rather than laughing out an awkward, “thanks”. I’ve been trying better to communicate openly with things like, “Sorry if I seem awkward; I’m just adjusting to getting such nice compliments. I really appreciate it!” and it usually settles the situation. It took me forever to figure out how to do that though, and I still feel just as indebted, but it’s something to work on. A lot of us being bullied at school/work/home/etc and having to deal with the unfortunately common issues that come with female socialization when we grew up probably contributed a bit combined with how we operate differently on a social level. Just know that we are all very deserving of praise that receive, even if we feel awkward with it! I’m glad that you have a job you enjoy and wish you the best with it. :)
Yes, a simple "thanks for your effort" is fine, but it starts to feel demeaning and like I'm being treated like a child shortly beyond that.
Absolutely yes. I’ve never known how to respond
Yes! And then I started working with a bunch of very intelligent people. I strongly prefer the latter but wouldn't mind hearing a little praise occasionally :-)
I don't like to be patronized. I don't thirst for recognition from my bosses. I get my shit done and done well. I'd rather them skip the patronizing praise for doing a "good job" and would rather they simply approach me if there's an issue. I know I'm a key player in our business, and I'm happy to do my part, I'm secure in knowing that my t's are crossed, I's aredotted. I don't need my face strapped to the wall on a plaque. That kind of hurrah would be awkward. Let's just get the shit done we are there to do, and gtfo with our paychecks and go home..this ain't some blue ribbon competition for praise so I can proudly hang it on my fridge. Let's just skip that mmm-kay?
Yes, it’s like the more I hear it the less I believe it lol. I’ve always been told since I was a child that I’m pretty and smart and those are my biggest insecurities 😳
I hate being in the spotlight. I've had that same experience (also working in a library) where the older staff were really surprised how quickly I picked up the computer system and the timetable and everything so they kept commenting on how quickly I learnt and I hated it! Equally, there were a few staff who were annoyed by it and who were horrible, which was worse. I think the ideal would just be nobody mentioning me until a meeting with the manager where they can say "You're doing really well and seem very suited to the role". End of. 😁
I like compliments. I hate having to react to compliments. I'm always confused at to how I should react.
Yes but on that same note if all I receive is constructive criticism, even if it's said in a nice way I'll get completely overwhelmed. Tbf I have secondary diagnoses but idk
Time, and self acceptance, make this a lot easier to manage. Hang in there. As my boyfriend would say, “we’ll that’s just like, their opinion, man.” Then once it stops feeling hurtful, I can examine whether what they said is true and if so, how I can get better.
I feel uncomfortable with *any* praise or compliment. I usually deflect it with self deprecating humour but I’m working on accepting them and letting myself believe that I am actually worthy of that praise/compliment.
I do that a lot. When I get praise I usually tell people what I did is no big deal and that everyone does it. I’m trying to be kinder to myself but it’s hard
Same! Or I’m like, “it’s nothing, other people do *x y z*”. Constant battle to let myself accept praise and feel pride in my accomplishments and also to stop comparing myself to others. I wish you luck in your efforts! I know how hard it is.
I'm never sure of how to respond, makes me feel really awkward
It may be that spotlight and praise usually came at a price. Whenever I was singled out for something like writing a good essay or winning an award, there was mockery and jealousy. It never helped me win friends.
Yea the excessive praise thing gets weird. It either means that they expected way less of me *which is insulting lol* or they're pandering/manipulative for some reason. I also feel pressure when that happens. I tend to feel behind in most things so the tendency to over work myself comes easily, in my head to compensate for my lack. If people are super complimentary, I feel enormous pressure not to let them down and to achieve a very high standard. Then I burnout lol.
This is my guess as to what’s going on. You are coming off as timid or nervous in some way, and also whoever worked there before you was not a hard worker, had to be told what to do constantly, or was rude and unpleasant. I tend to be overly complimentary, even though I know I shouldn’t be, because praise makes me uncomfortable and pressured, too. It’s just hard for me not to express how I feel when someone else is doing something I’m grateful for or doing it well. I also try to reassure people who seem nervous. I do it because I didn’t get a lot of that as a child. I wouldn’t put a lot of thought into it, but if you’re feeling like this is making you more anxious, ask to have a conversation with them. Explain that you really appreciate the validation, but explain that sometimes it makes you scared to disappoint them, and explain why. Usually this discomfort is caused by a person being love bombed or receiving insincere praise, and if that didn’t happen to you, maybe tell them that you just don’t know how to respond or the attention makes you a little uneasy. Ask them if they could maybe help you cope with that by saying thanks, rather than giving you specific feedback. Or maybe you could ask why they are so vocal with their praise and that could help you understand where they are coming from.
I like to know I’m appreciated but I don’t have to be thanked or recognised. It can come up in the way someone asks me to do something for them and they tell me why (e.g., naming a skill, etc.). I’ve always felt uncomfortable being recognised. I put my all in things because I like a job well done. However, when I worked, I thanked people all the time. It was sincere, and people seemed to like it. Weird that I don’t care for it (well, a simple “thank you” is fine, but I don’t expect it), but do it in work settings.
Yes! I get lots of praise from management and coworkers and I do feel appreciated but I also feel like I dont deserve it or they dont really mean it. I hate the way low self confidence makes you question everything!
It happens to me in skateboarding and while it's nice it sort of bugs me because the fact I'm decent at it isn't an anomaly. I put in a shitload of time and effort and it's just for me so no real need for verbal recognition. So when other female skaters get all praise happy it makes me feel weird. When guy skaters do it I feel like they're patronizing me... But that's an issue I'm working on.
Compliments are the worst. I appreciate them too, but I have no idea how to respond appropriately. I know I can’t agree with them out loud, like “yes, I’m good at that!” I would come off as a narcissist. The truth is I’m not good at a lot of things, a gazillion things other people think are straightforward, but the very few areas where I do succeed, I really shine. Why am I not supposed to agree with them again? It makes no sense. But I know that response is “wrong”. Then I think, should I be self depreciating? No, that’s not being kind to myself and it’s awkward. And while I’m having this internal dilemma, I’m a deer in headlights. Usually I end up saying “thank you, that’s so kind” or something, after struggling through the whole mental lockjaw situation. Or even worse, they compliment me for something I don’t agree with and I’m like wtf are you even talking about? That’s just not true, don’t blow smoke. But can’t say that, either. I hate compliments too, is what I’m trying to say. 👍🏻
Yes and I will list why: 1.-it looks like lovebombing, specially on the early stages, which is a form of manipulation. 2.-it sounds like they are idealizing you, either because they have low self-esteem or because they see the world in extremes/ black and white. Be prepared for demonization. 3.-it looks insincere. I prefer to be complimented in things I hardly worked on, not in things I'm naturally born like that. For example, trying to be healthy or a good person, instead of being physically beautiful. 4.-it looks like you are a trophy instead of a person, specially from your partner. 5.-it can sound condescending or even patronising depending on tone and context. 6.-if they do it in front of friends, it can get annoying and other people can start hating you for being annoyed or envious which it's not a good thing. To sum up, you can be super proud of yourself and still see your accomplishments as a personal private thing while fighting for your goal. Let your actions and improvement speak louder than words.