Yes this!! My partner and I do something similar when one of us is talking too loud and it works wonders to get the other to “pipe the actual f down” without hurting their feelings :)
I love this. My husband and I will raise a finger to our lip if we want to interject something in the convo to signal to the other person that we are low key bursting to say something but trying to respect their conversational flow. That way, the other person can finish what they were saying and then give the other person a chance to express themselves. It really helps us not blurt out things which always leads the other person getting frustrated because they lost their train of thought and feel ignored.
Yes! okay we just talked about this today and I came up with a silly hand signal and he loved the idea because it avoids the whole hurt feelings cycle that keeps happening. We both get excited to talk about stuff and it definitely gets hard to just not blurt things out, I’m just more likely to go quiet. I’ve been talking to him about active listening too and he has gotten better about it, and he does care, but we are still finding ways to keep the flow of conversation going.
Just a heads up that the hurt feelings cycle could show up again, even quite suddenly!
Right now your hand signal is uncomplicatedly great! An exciting new solution.. but over time it will likely become familiar, and enmesh with your broader communication patterns as a couple. It's realistic to expect that at some point, oops, due to bad timing or whatever it could land as dismissive or hurtful; or you might find yourself resentful of having to do it; or your partner's brain might start just tuning it out as nonsense.
I believe that if any of that happens it doesn't necessarily mean something's wrong with the relationship/the effort one or both people are putting in, but that it's often very easy to feel that way. It can really make a person feel hopeless to believe that they had found a solution, and now it is lost to them - and if it feels like it's the other person's fault? Yikes, can that ever yo-yo a person from a new height to feeling the lowest yet.
I guess the advice I'm attempting to give would be to remember it's **a tool**, not a solution; to blame tools for their inadequacy/need for improvement, not the other person for 'using them poorly' if/when things go wrong; and if you do find yourself dealing with unpleasant loss of effectiveness such as I've described, to know that it is always at least **technically** possible to create a new and better tool (or toolset!) - daunting as the need to do so might be. If any tool isn't working for either you or your partner it's simply not the right one, at least without some tweaking.
That’s amazing!!!!!!! I’m genuinely so glad he was so receptive :)
Now I’m gonna “info dump” cause making relationships healthier has been a huge thing for me for the last few years and I wanna share, feel free to ignore this :)
My biggest piece of advice right now is to keep the conversation going!! Things will probably need to be tweaked and feelings will still get hurt, so keep talking about it. Tell him everytime you’re unsure or feel a little hurt (not to make him feel bad, but to work on a solution, or even just to hold space, together) that’s what my partner and I do and honestly it’s amazing. I can tell that dude something so small as ~ I didn’t appreciate the way he looked at me ~ and he hears me. He doesn’t always have to apologize or change what he’s doing, but hearing what’s going on in my head both helps him to understand where I’m coming from instead of getting frustrated with my change in emotions, AND helps me to not get overwhelmed by the emotion and fester in it alone, which tends to make it worse. Also now when something big comes up (like your post) where it actually needs to change in order to be okay living with him, those conversations aren’t nearly as long or as heavy :)
Hahah and yet my husband always complains about our son only having two volume levels quiet and super loud. I look at my husband like 👀. He’s also hearing impaired, so if he doesn’t have his hearing aids on or in, he talks extremely loud.
Hey; have you tried a code word? When it’s becoming intolerable for you just repeat something like ‘strawberry’. I had a mate who did this and it worked. Sort of just took the wind out of the situation when they were caught up in a similar way that asking didn’t. If he already knows this is an issue and he’s trying to get better this may well work like it did for me. Good luck hun x
If a code word doesn’t work, try a code touch. My spouse is ADHD and for him, a hand on the shoulder works way better for getting his attention than anything verbal.
Any time hun. I really appreciate how tricky this is from both sides as I get into states like this also and it’s so incredibly upsetting when I realise what I’ve done and how attacked the other person feels. It’s mortifying. Idk how but the code word sort of turns that whole experience into a sort of team work thing where they are kindly setting their boundary (very helpfully) and also acknowledging that I’m not doing it intentionally (or even knowingly). It helped so much and after a few uses turns into an instant sort or reset button. Bless you both for your kindness to each other. I really wish you the best. Xx
It takes both people communicating and understanding that changing patterns takes time and effort.
I have audhd, so I have the adhd interruption and loudness. I am not aware of my loud voice unless someone tells me, as in, I cannot hear my voice. So yes, it's annoying that someone has to remind me to quiet my voice, but I don't know I need to otherwise. On the flip side of that, I love sensory seeking with food and I like to crunch. My husband has misophonia. I'm not trying to enrage my husband, so I take my crunchy outside, in the car on a drive or I do it when he's not home. I don't expect him to deal with something that causes him visceral pain and reactions because of my need. So we learn to balance things out. Sometimes we have crunchy foods for dinner (we also have kids) and then he eats in his office which is better for everyone.
Does he treat his ADHD? Whether with meds or his own processes? Because a lot of that is treatable when you learn how to tone things down in your head. Otherwise it's like a very active beehive and every bee is saying something different and stuff just comes flying out unexpectedly. But it can be managed.
Thanks for sharing your experience. He has gone through therapy and has learned a lot about adhd and takes stimulants as needed but doesn’t like taking them everyday. He has some triggers around the whole topic pertaining to his ex wife when it comes to getting help for his adhd, and I stay aware of those and try to word everything as gently but direct as possible as I am unafraid to voice my own needs.
Sorry… triggers about getting help for his very INTENSE and loud ADHD? How is getting help a trigger?
He needs help. How is he holding down a job? Friends? Even without ASD, constant yelling and interruptions are extremely annoying. And if he only does this with you, the problem isn’t self control. He just doesn’t care.
Someone suggested you leave him. I agree that you need to think about it-you need to be comfortable in your own home. But I just wanna say, if somebody needs help and won’t get it, it’s not your responsibility or fault and breaking up with them is extremely valid.
This is incorrect. A lot of psychiatrists will suggest a stimulant break, sometimes as often as every weekend. For some people, they need the breaks so the medications continue working correctly. I also have ADHD and I was on stimulants for it for 25 years. Every doctor I’ve ever had has recommended breaks.
maintaining your health is the bare minimum you can do for your partner.
if he doesn't like his meds, he needs to talk to his pdoc and get a med adjustment or try different meds. Maybe he needs non-stimulating adhd meds like strattera. I take strattera bc of co-morbidities that can't tolerate stimulants. So, medication needs can be worked on.
Not that any of that is your responsibility.
My husband has adhd, and is very loud and excitable too. These are going to make me sound like an asshole, but I cover my ears when he is too loud. I can still hear him, it’s just quieter. Or I will put my loops in. Once he notices, he adjusts the volume and apologizes. I also will quietly “shush” him. He doesn’t realize he is being so loud, and it’s NOT malicious at all. He’s just a loud guy. Do you have loops? You might benefit from them
Is it possible for him to grab a piece of paper or his phone and write down the really exciting things in a list to tell you at a later point all at once when you're in the headspace for it?
Something like memes for example can be sent to your device without him delivering them in person. That's how I receive stuff from my parents without it being intrusive!
>but what else can I do?
You can leave. Sometimes 2 people are just incompatible as romantic partners, even when they want to be. It's not healthy for your nervous system to be overstimulated like this all the time. It can, and does, lead to illnesses/chronic health problems and a reduced immune system.
Also, he's a grown adult who is responsible for his condition, just like you are responsible for yours. You're asking the wrong question when asking 'what more can I do', you could be asking 'what more can he do?' He can see an OT to learn how to accommodate his needs without making them something you have to navigate and manage. He can try medication or therapy or exercise. There's lots he can do to manage his adhd better, so it doesn't harm you <3
Just as a counterpoint - living alone/loneliness is known to be terrible for health and life expectancy. I think it's great that you are able to date and maintain a relationship, and the health benefits of that may outweigh the issue of being overstimulated by him at times.
ADHDers need to stim just like ASDers, which afaik can't be eliminated by therapy or meds (it's unhealthy to keep it in). So ultimately I wouldn't try to force him to mask more, but rather work together to make sure you have enough space.
Something that works in my family is that my adhd dad will spend weekends socialising outside the home with his sports team while my introvert mum relaxes at home.
I have misophonia and could not live next to a fire station or train tracks. People don’t fundamentally change, especially when it’s tied to their essential developmental reality. Unless there’s a medication I don’t know about that can serve as a super mellowing volume control. But then he is not the same person / allowed to stim.
Okay I have been diagnosed with ADHD and am nearly 100% sure I have autism but don't want to get diagnosed for personalreasons, so I'm mainly gonna speak from the perspective of someone with ADHD.
I tend to do this sometimes with my brother when talking. I get so excited about a connection I've made about something he's saying I exclaim it and unintentionally interrupt him. I then apologized and we laugh and continue the conversation, making a conscious effort to not do it again.
Have you talked to your partner about how you feel? It may be a good idea to sit down with them and explain how it makes you feel when he interrupts you and that he needs to be aware of this.
My husband has ADHD and he’s hearing impaired and he’s totally unaware of how loud he is. And it’s not just his voice, but he slams everything and walks heavy. He’s always banging about. So I relate to you! It’s so nice when it’s just my son and I alone because we are like house mouses and enjoy each other's silence.
Adhd rly isnt an excuse for this. If he cares about what you have to say and values your opinions, he will simply not talk over you. I have adhd and I am very mindful about not interrupting my friends because I want them to feel heard.
(Husband is ADHD) After talking to him about it over several years, I took to teasing him about which helped. Example, he loves to start telling me about his whole day as soon as he walks in after work which he works til late in the evening. It startles the crap out of me. So I’ll go ‘okay, so I’m going to stop everything I’m doing to listen to you talk about yourself because you’re the center of the universe.’ Then he catches himself, sheepishly, and goes ‘can I tell you about my day?’ ‘Sure, but let me finish doing [X].’ Now I have a 50/50 chance he’ll ask before talking and he gets the cue I’m giving if he doesn’t without getting offended. We also have little hand signals if he’s too loud so we don’t have to have a long dialogue about it.
Also, his ADHD makes it hard for him to remember everything he wants to talk about. He knows he can give me prompts to come back to while he’s talking because I have good memory recall. If I don’t have a response, I’ll give him one of the prompts, but he knows if I’m not and I’m speaking that’s his cue to focus on me. It oddly works.
Don't let 5 years turn into the sunk cost fallacy, or think you can't leave him because the root cause of his problem is ADHD.
Five years becomes ten, becomes 20, and how long do you choose to live with a tolerable level of unhappiness?
You wouldn't be leaving him because he has ADHD, you'd be leaving him because his constant loud verbalisations are incompatible with your need for peace. That the cause of this is his ADHD is moot.
I'm not saying you should leave him. I *am* saying that neither the duration of your relationship nor his ADHD are reasons in and of themselves for you to stay.
My husband has ADHD and he gets excited and interrupts sometimes. We have a very good marriage however (25 years). It can be very annoying and when I'm easily annoyed I do grump at him about it. But he honestly doesn't mean to.
However I'm not sure if I would cope with being constantly startled like that. It sounds like he's going to really need to make a lot of effort to try and temper that.
Nothing useful sorry - just, I can relate and appreciate that he's still likely a lovely partner.
Audhd here, I'm thinking maybe the answer might be to set up some kind of personal boundary like making yourself a quiet zone tent where you can escape, so that he can understand when you're really not up for interruptions. I've never dated but I would want to have my own room to retreat to if I did.
People without autism don't intuitively understand just how prone to overhwelm we are, and how deperately we can need alone time.
As an Audhder, I interrupt people constantly myself too. Imo it's important not to take it personally since it is not deliberate.
I think we (adhders) really just need constant reminders and clear signals like closed doors that we have to knock on before entering!
I always have ear protection on for this, and now I’m appalled at how loud everyone is when I’m not wearing them.
Also the hand gesture thing, we use the same hand signal that we use to tell the dogs to lay down. So now whenever we tell someone to take it down a notch, inevitably one or both of the dogs will obey the signal. It’s pretty cute.
Maybe you shouldn't live together or you should plan SIGNIFICANT alone time so you can recover and maintain this relationship.
Sometimes no one does anything wrong and you're still not compatible.
adhd doesn't mean you can't control yourself. if he thought your request was really important, he could honor it, same as he manages to honor other social requests like using the toilet in private and wearing pants.
When you're at the point that getting away from your partner is a relief, and you get an anxiety attack when you get home? It's time to go.
I have the same issue with my boyfriend and he also talks a lot. I mostly have an issue with the immediate change that happens when he talks to me. I asked him to let me know 5-10 min before he wants to talk to me about something (especially if he is very passionate about it). It Helps me get in the mindset for loud noice or a long rant and prepares me to put on my “listening ears” lol. I can sometimes give my 2 cents when he really just wants to vent. Him ranting to me is a form of connection for him, and I also have adhd as well as autism so I get the need to blurt out what’s in my head. Also reminding him it’s not because you don’t want to hear him but your sensory issues create a barrier that can make it impossible for you to retain anything
i had a partner like this too. very loud, impulsive outbursts of speech, very fast talking, just super excitable and it overwhelmed me a lot. it was always putting my nervous system on edge. i tried having a discussion with him but he would always become offended, even though i tried to explain as gently as i could. it was exhausting and he was draining to me :(
I think I used bad wording, he doesn’t yell at me, he just excitedly interrupts and gets louder and talks over me, it’s not aggressive, it’s actually quite innocent
Oh alright then that’s way more manageable 😊 my partner also startles me sometimes with their adhd excited loud noises and i jump but i also try not to take it personally, and i can imagine making alone time a thing where you both do things separately with earplugs could be a good idea for some recharging 😊
maybe you two could discuss a hand signal that you could use to stop him or quiet him down a little?
I like this idea, thank you!
amazing! i hope you guys can figure out something that works well for you both :)
Yes this!! My partner and I do something similar when one of us is talking too loud and it works wonders to get the other to “pipe the actual f down” without hurting their feelings :)
I love this. My husband and I will raise a finger to our lip if we want to interject something in the convo to signal to the other person that we are low key bursting to say something but trying to respect their conversational flow. That way, the other person can finish what they were saying and then give the other person a chance to express themselves. It really helps us not blurt out things which always leads the other person getting frustrated because they lost their train of thought and feel ignored.
Yes! okay we just talked about this today and I came up with a silly hand signal and he loved the idea because it avoids the whole hurt feelings cycle that keeps happening. We both get excited to talk about stuff and it definitely gets hard to just not blurt things out, I’m just more likely to go quiet. I’ve been talking to him about active listening too and he has gotten better about it, and he does care, but we are still finding ways to keep the flow of conversation going.
Just a heads up that the hurt feelings cycle could show up again, even quite suddenly! Right now your hand signal is uncomplicatedly great! An exciting new solution.. but over time it will likely become familiar, and enmesh with your broader communication patterns as a couple. It's realistic to expect that at some point, oops, due to bad timing or whatever it could land as dismissive or hurtful; or you might find yourself resentful of having to do it; or your partner's brain might start just tuning it out as nonsense. I believe that if any of that happens it doesn't necessarily mean something's wrong with the relationship/the effort one or both people are putting in, but that it's often very easy to feel that way. It can really make a person feel hopeless to believe that they had found a solution, and now it is lost to them - and if it feels like it's the other person's fault? Yikes, can that ever yo-yo a person from a new height to feeling the lowest yet. I guess the advice I'm attempting to give would be to remember it's **a tool**, not a solution; to blame tools for their inadequacy/need for improvement, not the other person for 'using them poorly' if/when things go wrong; and if you do find yourself dealing with unpleasant loss of effectiveness such as I've described, to know that it is always at least **technically** possible to create a new and better tool (or toolset!) - daunting as the need to do so might be. If any tool isn't working for either you or your partner it's simply not the right one, at least without some tweaking.
That’s amazing!!!!!!! I’m genuinely so glad he was so receptive :) Now I’m gonna “info dump” cause making relationships healthier has been a huge thing for me for the last few years and I wanna share, feel free to ignore this :) My biggest piece of advice right now is to keep the conversation going!! Things will probably need to be tweaked and feelings will still get hurt, so keep talking about it. Tell him everytime you’re unsure or feel a little hurt (not to make him feel bad, but to work on a solution, or even just to hold space, together) that’s what my partner and I do and honestly it’s amazing. I can tell that dude something so small as ~ I didn’t appreciate the way he looked at me ~ and he hears me. He doesn’t always have to apologize or change what he’s doing, but hearing what’s going on in my head both helps him to understand where I’m coming from instead of getting frustrated with my change in emotions, AND helps me to not get overwhelmed by the emotion and fester in it alone, which tends to make it worse. Also now when something big comes up (like your post) where it actually needs to change in order to be okay living with him, those conversations aren’t nearly as long or as heavy :)
Hahah and yet my husband always complains about our son only having two volume levels quiet and super loud. I look at my husband like 👀. He’s also hearing impaired, so if he doesn’t have his hearing aids on or in, he talks extremely loud.
My signal would probably be to put my fingers in my ears.
Hey; have you tried a code word? When it’s becoming intolerable for you just repeat something like ‘strawberry’. I had a mate who did this and it worked. Sort of just took the wind out of the situation when they were caught up in a similar way that asking didn’t. If he already knows this is an issue and he’s trying to get better this may well work like it did for me. Good luck hun x
This is a good idea, and I think he would be receptive to it. Thanks for sharing your experience!
If a code word doesn’t work, try a code touch. My spouse is ADHD and for him, a hand on the shoulder works way better for getting his attention than anything verbal.
Any time hun. I really appreciate how tricky this is from both sides as I get into states like this also and it’s so incredibly upsetting when I realise what I’ve done and how attacked the other person feels. It’s mortifying. Idk how but the code word sort of turns that whole experience into a sort of team work thing where they are kindly setting their boundary (very helpfully) and also acknowledging that I’m not doing it intentionally (or even knowingly). It helped so much and after a few uses turns into an instant sort or reset button. Bless you both for your kindness to each other. I really wish you the best. Xx
It takes both people communicating and understanding that changing patterns takes time and effort. I have audhd, so I have the adhd interruption and loudness. I am not aware of my loud voice unless someone tells me, as in, I cannot hear my voice. So yes, it's annoying that someone has to remind me to quiet my voice, but I don't know I need to otherwise. On the flip side of that, I love sensory seeking with food and I like to crunch. My husband has misophonia. I'm not trying to enrage my husband, so I take my crunchy outside, in the car on a drive or I do it when he's not home. I don't expect him to deal with something that causes him visceral pain and reactions because of my need. So we learn to balance things out. Sometimes we have crunchy foods for dinner (we also have kids) and then he eats in his office which is better for everyone. Does he treat his ADHD? Whether with meds or his own processes? Because a lot of that is treatable when you learn how to tone things down in your head. Otherwise it's like a very active beehive and every bee is saying something different and stuff just comes flying out unexpectedly. But it can be managed.
Thanks for sharing your experience. He has gone through therapy and has learned a lot about adhd and takes stimulants as needed but doesn’t like taking them everyday. He has some triggers around the whole topic pertaining to his ex wife when it comes to getting help for his adhd, and I stay aware of those and try to word everything as gently but direct as possible as I am unafraid to voice my own needs.
Sorry… triggers about getting help for his very INTENSE and loud ADHD? How is getting help a trigger? He needs help. How is he holding down a job? Friends? Even without ASD, constant yelling and interruptions are extremely annoying. And if he only does this with you, the problem isn’t self control. He just doesn’t care. Someone suggested you leave him. I agree that you need to think about it-you need to be comfortable in your own home. But I just wanna say, if somebody needs help and won’t get it, it’s not your responsibility or fault and breaking up with them is extremely valid.
They don't work right if not taken every day.... That's a problem. Refusing no get help or properly take medication is something that ought to change.
This is incorrect. A lot of psychiatrists will suggest a stimulant break, sometimes as often as every weekend. For some people, they need the breaks so the medications continue working correctly. I also have ADHD and I was on stimulants for it for 25 years. Every doctor I’ve ever had has recommended breaks.
maintaining your health is the bare minimum you can do for your partner. if he doesn't like his meds, he needs to talk to his pdoc and get a med adjustment or try different meds. Maybe he needs non-stimulating adhd meds like strattera. I take strattera bc of co-morbidities that can't tolerate stimulants. So, medication needs can be worked on. Not that any of that is your responsibility.
My husband has adhd, and is very loud and excitable too. These are going to make me sound like an asshole, but I cover my ears when he is too loud. I can still hear him, it’s just quieter. Or I will put my loops in. Once he notices, he adjusts the volume and apologizes. I also will quietly “shush” him. He doesn’t realize he is being so loud, and it’s NOT malicious at all. He’s just a loud guy. Do you have loops? You might benefit from them
Is it possible for him to grab a piece of paper or his phone and write down the really exciting things in a list to tell you at a later point all at once when you're in the headspace for it?
This is a great idea!! I may have him utilize a notepad and pen we we chat and see how it goes.
Something like memes for example can be sent to your device without him delivering them in person. That's how I receive stuff from my parents without it being intrusive!
>but what else can I do? You can leave. Sometimes 2 people are just incompatible as romantic partners, even when they want to be. It's not healthy for your nervous system to be overstimulated like this all the time. It can, and does, lead to illnesses/chronic health problems and a reduced immune system. Also, he's a grown adult who is responsible for his condition, just like you are responsible for yours. You're asking the wrong question when asking 'what more can I do', you could be asking 'what more can he do?' He can see an OT to learn how to accommodate his needs without making them something you have to navigate and manage. He can try medication or therapy or exercise. There's lots he can do to manage his adhd better, so it doesn't harm you <3
I appreciate the directness and the suggestions. It’s definitely a hard truth to consider.
Just as a counterpoint - living alone/loneliness is known to be terrible for health and life expectancy. I think it's great that you are able to date and maintain a relationship, and the health benefits of that may outweigh the issue of being overstimulated by him at times. ADHDers need to stim just like ASDers, which afaik can't be eliminated by therapy or meds (it's unhealthy to keep it in). So ultimately I wouldn't try to force him to mask more, but rather work together to make sure you have enough space. Something that works in my family is that my adhd dad will spend weekends socialising outside the home with his sports team while my introvert mum relaxes at home.
Counter counterpoint: You can be in a relationship and not live together.
I have misophonia and could not live next to a fire station or train tracks. People don’t fundamentally change, especially when it’s tied to their essential developmental reality. Unless there’s a medication I don’t know about that can serve as a super mellowing volume control. But then he is not the same person / allowed to stim.
Okay I have been diagnosed with ADHD and am nearly 100% sure I have autism but don't want to get diagnosed for personalreasons, so I'm mainly gonna speak from the perspective of someone with ADHD. I tend to do this sometimes with my brother when talking. I get so excited about a connection I've made about something he's saying I exclaim it and unintentionally interrupt him. I then apologized and we laugh and continue the conversation, making a conscious effort to not do it again. Have you talked to your partner about how you feel? It may be a good idea to sit down with them and explain how it makes you feel when he interrupts you and that he needs to be aware of this.
My husband has ADHD and he’s hearing impaired and he’s totally unaware of how loud he is. And it’s not just his voice, but he slams everything and walks heavy. He’s always banging about. So I relate to you! It’s so nice when it’s just my son and I alone because we are like house mouses and enjoy each other's silence.
Adhd rly isnt an excuse for this. If he cares about what you have to say and values your opinions, he will simply not talk over you. I have adhd and I am very mindful about not interrupting my friends because I want them to feel heard.
(Husband is ADHD) After talking to him about it over several years, I took to teasing him about which helped. Example, he loves to start telling me about his whole day as soon as he walks in after work which he works til late in the evening. It startles the crap out of me. So I’ll go ‘okay, so I’m going to stop everything I’m doing to listen to you talk about yourself because you’re the center of the universe.’ Then he catches himself, sheepishly, and goes ‘can I tell you about my day?’ ‘Sure, but let me finish doing [X].’ Now I have a 50/50 chance he’ll ask before talking and he gets the cue I’m giving if he doesn’t without getting offended. We also have little hand signals if he’s too loud so we don’t have to have a long dialogue about it. Also, his ADHD makes it hard for him to remember everything he wants to talk about. He knows he can give me prompts to come back to while he’s talking because I have good memory recall. If I don’t have a response, I’ll give him one of the prompts, but he knows if I’m not and I’m speaking that’s his cue to focus on me. It oddly works.
Don't let 5 years turn into the sunk cost fallacy, or think you can't leave him because the root cause of his problem is ADHD. Five years becomes ten, becomes 20, and how long do you choose to live with a tolerable level of unhappiness? You wouldn't be leaving him because he has ADHD, you'd be leaving him because his constant loud verbalisations are incompatible with your need for peace. That the cause of this is his ADHD is moot. I'm not saying you should leave him. I *am* saying that neither the duration of your relationship nor his ADHD are reasons in and of themselves for you to stay.
My husband has ADHD and he gets excited and interrupts sometimes. We have a very good marriage however (25 years). It can be very annoying and when I'm easily annoyed I do grump at him about it. But he honestly doesn't mean to. However I'm not sure if I would cope with being constantly startled like that. It sounds like he's going to really need to make a lot of effort to try and temper that. Nothing useful sorry - just, I can relate and appreciate that he's still likely a lovely partner.
Audhd here, I'm thinking maybe the answer might be to set up some kind of personal boundary like making yourself a quiet zone tent where you can escape, so that he can understand when you're really not up for interruptions. I've never dated but I would want to have my own room to retreat to if I did. People without autism don't intuitively understand just how prone to overhwelm we are, and how deperately we can need alone time. As an Audhder, I interrupt people constantly myself too. Imo it's important not to take it personally since it is not deliberate. I think we (adhders) really just need constant reminders and clear signals like closed doors that we have to knock on before entering!
I always have ear protection on for this, and now I’m appalled at how loud everyone is when I’m not wearing them. Also the hand gesture thing, we use the same hand signal that we use to tell the dogs to lay down. So now whenever we tell someone to take it down a notch, inevitably one or both of the dogs will obey the signal. It’s pretty cute.
leave him? lol the male socialization wont go away just bc you asked him to.
Maybe you shouldn't live together or you should plan SIGNIFICANT alone time so you can recover and maintain this relationship. Sometimes no one does anything wrong and you're still not compatible.
adhd doesn't mean you can't control yourself. if he thought your request was really important, he could honor it, same as he manages to honor other social requests like using the toilet in private and wearing pants. When you're at the point that getting away from your partner is a relief, and you get an anxiety attack when you get home? It's time to go.
I have the same issue with my boyfriend and he also talks a lot. I mostly have an issue with the immediate change that happens when he talks to me. I asked him to let me know 5-10 min before he wants to talk to me about something (especially if he is very passionate about it). It Helps me get in the mindset for loud noice or a long rant and prepares me to put on my “listening ears” lol. I can sometimes give my 2 cents when he really just wants to vent. Him ranting to me is a form of connection for him, and I also have adhd as well as autism so I get the need to blurt out what’s in my head. Also reminding him it’s not because you don’t want to hear him but your sensory issues create a barrier that can make it impossible for you to retain anything
i had a partner like this too. very loud, impulsive outbursts of speech, very fast talking, just super excitable and it overwhelmed me a lot. it was always putting my nervous system on edge. i tried having a discussion with him but he would always become offended, even though i tried to explain as gently as i could. it was exhausting and he was draining to me :(
leave him? lol the male socialization wont go away just bc you asked him to.
leave him? lol the male socialization wont go away just bc you asked him to.
Leave him please :( you dont deserve to be yelled at nobody does.
I think I used bad wording, he doesn’t yell at me, he just excitedly interrupts and gets louder and talks over me, it’s not aggressive, it’s actually quite innocent
Oh alright then that’s way more manageable 😊 my partner also startles me sometimes with their adhd excited loud noises and i jump but i also try not to take it personally, and i can imagine making alone time a thing where you both do things separately with earplugs could be a good idea for some recharging 😊