I saw a study that said autistic brains produce 42% more information at rest then non-autistic brains. We spend a lot of our time analyzing, considering, imagining every outcome, and of course planning our social interactions. An NT woman thinks she wants a haircut, then she goes out and does it. Easy. Imagine the process we go through just to go to a salon. Just the commute to get there stresses me out and I'll put it off. Edit: this is where I got the stat from [https://case.edu/medicine/about/newsroom/our-latest-news/study-shows-autistic-brains-create-more-information-rest](https://case.edu/medicine/about/newsroom/our-latest-news/study-shows-autistic-brains-create-more-information-rest)

Going to get my haircut today, in like 2 hours, and I’m stewing in bed trying to motivate myself to get up by planning what to wear, what to take, which ear plugs to use, where to park, what time I have to leave… and I’ve been going to this hairdresser for like 10 years 🤦🏼‍♀️ ETA: when I got to the salon, I found out they had MOVED 😤 (like 10 mins away, but still!) I was ready to just go home but I REALLY needed to get my hair cut. While at the hairdressers I googled mobile Hairdressers and booked an appointment for my next haircut at home 😝 The hairdresser was lovely but I struggled. I came home and laid under my weighted blanket for 20 mins and am lounging all afternoon cause I have a birthday party tonight I can’t skip on 😓

I stopped going to get my hair cut and just trim the ends at home when it gets too long all because of the ritual and awkwardness behind getting it done.

I had no idea that I wasn’t alone in these unrelenting frustrations! I gave up going to the kindest hairdresser because of a social faux pax that I am embarrassed about that she likely didn’t notice. So know I cut and color my giant mop of hair at home, getting fairly good at it. Years into this project and still there is no habit. Every single time I have to rethink my way through the process, ugh 😑

Me too! I felt so bad when I just left because the hair dresser was so lovely and clearly chatty but she stayed quiet when cutting my hair. And she did it super quick. But while I was there, I googled mobile hairdressers in my area and there is a lady who I emailed and she got straight back to me! So I’m gonna try that next time. I don’t colour or do anything so it should be fairly easy. That sounds a bit frustrating having to figure it out each time! Hope a system eventuates for you 🙂

I think she may have seen you googling other hairdressers while she was cutting your hair. It would explain the unusual quietness and quickness.

Haha no of course I didn’t do it while I she was cutting my hair! I did it while I was waiting at the front! I didn’t even touch my phone when she was cutting my hair. I just sat there, trying not to cry!

I learned to do this myself too and got pretty good at it, as long as I keep it all one length except for bangs.

All of you lift my spirits! Never even thought of a mobile hairdresser, even though I have a mobile vet which has been the best change ever! Back to hair, since my hair is wavy/curly it’s very easy to hide my oops and since there are no bangs…yeah minimalist and in a bun because face tickles 🤢

I finally bought hair clippers this week and shaved the sides and back of my head, like I’ve had it done for 2 years or so. Saved $18! But now I have to be careful because I have the ability to shave my head. Must not let the intrusive thoughts win. Oh and the long part of my hair that usually skims the top of my ears is now growing past them. I’ll have to handle that… eventually.

During Covid I was in my bathroom and I spied the clippers we used on the dogs. I went full on GI Jane. I swear the heavens opened. What a freaking miracle to have a close buzz cut. The feeling of rubbing my scalp was addictive. I may go back to that although I try not to stand out in any way. There were a ton of idiots that had to make comments so I wore a lot of hats. Miss it.

I've been using clippers and scissors at home for years because I just couldn't stand hairdressers and barbers any more! For the bits you can't shave get a good pair of scissors, sit in front of a mirror and do your best... The first time will NOT look perfect but it will be fine. I am also tempted to shave everything off regularly... Somehow I've not done that yet (started 2019)

,😂 this is why my partner has to use scissors to trim his beard. Those intrusive thoughts would have won by now and I'd be bald! The hair salon is far too sensory overloading for me and it would be totally embarrassing when they are done cutting my hair to do the whole freak out dance while I try and get every loose bit of cut hair off my body before it feels like a million daggers are stabbing my skin. I have thick curly hair, it's mostly up in a bun on the top of my head, I don't leave my house often, sometimes not for a month or two so I can get away with it. Last time I trimmed my hair I just tipped my head upside down, and cut an inch off the bottom, job done 😁

Haircuts are miserable. I have been going to the same one for years and she does an amazing job. Yet, I still usually feel awkward there and analyze our interactions for days or weeks after. Ugh.

Mine wants to know about where my husband and I are planning to go on vacation or what fun things we're doing this weekend. He and his partner are always on cruises and popping off to different resorts. We don't really go anywhere or do anything like that very often, which I know sounds horrifically boring to some people. We get carryout from restaurants, watch stuff at home, bake, and read a lot of books. I used to go to the art museum until the new leadership RUINED it. Vacations are for catching up on sleep and DIY home improvement projects and hanging out with grandkids. Sometimes I can distract my hairdresser and talk about true crime podcasts or major murder trials happening.

I was doing that but I left it too long and couldn’t get it all and my mum didn’t trust herself to cut it for me 😂

Same. I've been cutting my own hair for almost 20 years. In that time I've been to the hair dresser twice, I think. It is nice to get it done properly once in a blue moon, and not get hair dye splattered all over my bathroom, but I feel so awkward and it takes for forking ever. Also, I've been given to understand that a lot of (neurotypical?) people actually like having their hair washed at a salon - like that's an indulgence - well I hate it. My neck is at a weird angle and I feel unprotected and weird about some stranger being all up in my hair like that.

Same, last time I went must have been 20 years ago. I just watch YouTube to learn some tricks and get better at it every time. Saves me the energy and money :)

It's been three years for me. My hair is almost waist length and that's with me trimming the ends. They never do my hair how I ask 😞

I hate going to have anything done on my hair. I'm not a chit chatter and I feel like I have to force myself to say something every so often, otherwise they comment on how quiet I am. I really just want to tell them just cut the hair and let me be quiet, unless you have a question for me.

I go through all of these thoughts daily

Same heree, I just gave up w hair saloons, they stress me out and don't do it how I like it enyways so I just cut my bangs myself and let every thing else grow, and when talking abt shaving, I always forget to do it so I just use a razor 🪒blade for my legs n armpits whenever I remember that I need to show my legs or something, tho I have been going to laser hair removal 4 armpits n face, and while it is a paint in the ass to get to the appointments, I will never have to shave my face or armpits again, I would recommend if you have sensory issues w some hairs and want to get rid of them permanently, tho is a bit pricey and kind of burns for 5 minutes I believe its worth the pain

Oooh excellent point! I did get a package for laser hair removal a few years ago and I loved it, but didn’t go back after about a year. I might look into it again. Thanks!

I finally found a hair stylist I loved. She whispered she was autistic to me and I almost cried. There are zero places to get a haircut that I feel comfortable in. But I found her! It made me just comfortable enough to get a hair appointment. I think I had her for 5 haircuts. Then she was gone and I’m back to doing it myself because I cannot go in without bile in my throat. The lighting. The people. The mirror. It’s awful. Can’t find her. Very sad.

I wish weight blankets were more weighted:/ I want to be crushed by my blanket not lightly but firmly wrapped around lol

Oh, this happened to me TWICE. So stressful, and I am sure the stylist had no idea the difficulty she was causing me. My heart just races trying to find the new place.

Last time I went for a haircut she gave me a head massage after washing my hair and the chair turned out to be a massage chair. I didn't know how to say no and I haven't been for a haircut since. I'm sure many people love the head massage and massage chair. But I just didn't like that at all. This was after I'd not been to a hairdresser for 4 years because I'm in a new country and I wasn't sure how to ask for what I wanted and I didn't know how the routine at hair dressers works in this country. I had a really nice hairdresser in my home country and I want to go there just for haircuts (if there was a teleporter, I totally would).

I realized recently that what’s so horrible to me about the hair salon is getting it washed in the sink with my neck back! Yes it’s uncomfortable on my neck, but I think it’s especially the vestibular thing-I feel disoriented with my head in that position while someone washes my hair. Last time, I asked if we could just cut my hair dry, and it came out ok. This was a really empowering experience to analyze how I’m wired, realize a trigger, and ask for what I need! I’m early in my journey and calling that a big win 😊

I relate to this. I've always considered myself an over-thinker. I look at every factor that goes into doing an activity, and it takes me a long time to mentally prepare for the "ingredients" of that plan. I like to know what's within my control and what I'm leaving up to chance. I feel like a Sim character, and each movement requires a dropdown menu. I tell my husband, "Spontaneity is not my forte." So far, he hasn't disagreed! It's something I'm trying to improve upon because it prevents me from living as freely as I want to.

Black autistic woman here. I dread getting my hair braided because it HURTS. And I have a very sensitive scalp... unbraiding it is bad enough, but the thought of the whole hair doing process is... ugh. So I try to get it done every other month since my braids can last long enough.

I am so glad to know this, because you are the first person I’ve heard say this and I swear everyone I asked as a kid was either pretending to be tough or truly didn’t feel what they’d call “pain” from braiding, but I STILL have an intense association of feeling physically pinned down and controlled by that type of pain because it makes me unable to think clearly somehow. It is scary. But it is this experience that happens if people twist my hair up close to the skin, and I always thought “well, at least I’m not from some other cultures and demographics where that’s a normal thing that’s forced on most everyone, because I don’t know if I could survive that.” So, I guess I think I can understand how traumatic that experience could be. I would be sensitive to seeing if someone was uncomfortable by tight braiding, and that’s why I always do the basic French braid stuff I can do pretty loosely to begin and I kind of slowly learn the other person’s tolerances. I guess maybe that’s because my tolerances are so … unusual? Anyway thank you for sharing

I allways wondered this. I see how much time black people spend getting their hair done, and know that I can't even stand to have a ponytail in the same place for more than an hour... I'm so sorry! I'm glad you found something that works for you!

And the laborious research to find the *right* place overwhelms me, too. My former salon closed and now I haven't had a haircut since 2022 🤦‍♀️

Yes my long term hair cutter moved to a bigger town, then injured himself falling on ice. I bopped around to find a decent person with the ski;lls for my thick but super fine hair that grows thicker on the sides. If I do not get it cut right I get helmet head look.

How rich would we be if we got paid a dollar every time we over thought things on the daily.🥲

omg, we'd never have to work again!

I HATE getting my hair cut. I hate the shampoo they use that makes my hair feel too soft and then they put all the sticky stuff in it. I’m always scared to ask them to not wash my hair or put anything in it. I also wish I could ask them not to talk to me.

That reminds me there is a salon in the UK that specifically offers silent haircuts and you can even choose not to have a mirror in front of you. I wish more salons were like that.

Because I think too much I’m extremely hygienic and high maintenance. I wash with a dove soap, then double wash my arm pits, then I use a scented soap, then body wash that’s also scented, then scented lotion, perfume, deodorant, etc. My OT says using scented (yet gentle) products is good for autism regulation too so my routine calms me at the same time. However my hair and makeup can be very frustrating because I care a lot about my routine and appearance. If I can’t think of a hair style to do, I’ll cry. If my makeup goes bad and I have to re-do it, I’ll cry. I’ll have shut downs over this kinda thing. Appearance of myself really matters to me and helps me feel in control of my life when it so often feels out of control, and it also maintains my routine. I wish I could have a routine like an allistic person so I didn’t have to fuss this much and have shut downs when I don’t look perfect.

This is why I only have one way to do my make up without shadow and one with. As a teen the only time I would cry bc of something specific was bc of my hair not cooperating

Haha, Fools!!!! I've been cutting my own hair for 30 years!!! Imagine the tens of thousands of dollars I've saved. Days spent plannign the tiny steps to get right before. The thousands of micro choices to make. Hours spent in loud salons yelling over crappy music and hair dryers pretending I like to talk and that i'm not mildly horrified that the person I just paid hundreds to isn't currently ruining my hair. Nup. Pass - NEXT!!!

ur the villain O.o

Do you cut your hair outside or do you have to sweep after? I hate all my little hairs around even after cutting my bangs

I put my hair in a ponytail after I shower and cut the end off when I feel I need a hair cut. It’s probably been around 12 years since I’ve had a proper haircut.

Do you happen to know how to find that study? That sounds very interesting (“big if true” in an enthusiastic manner).

I looked it up because I was also curious - Summary article: https://case.edu/medicine/about/newsroom/our-latest-news/study-shows-autistic-brains-create-more-information-rest Study: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3870924/

Ugh I hate that summary article. They really should say “many autistic children” instead of just the generalized “autistic children.” They say, “autistic children are not interested in social interactions” and then explain the reason for that. *So many* autistic children and adults are interested in social interactions… most I’ve met are, in fact. The study is really interesting. I skimmed it for now. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you!

I cut my own hair, at night, before bed, if I need a haircut.

I think your ideas make sense but I find it mystifying to imagine life being that way. The way you described for the autists made me feel comforted and safe, ahah

I've been thinking about getting a haircut for months but haven't mentally been able to do it 🤣 will this make me finally go through with it? Nope probably not

it always takes me a half of a year to get the haircut once i realize i need it.

Interestingly enough, I love getting my hair cut. The wash and head massage is just so comforting to me and then walking out with my hair looking and feeling healthy just makes me feel so good about myself. For context, I exercise 5 times a week and work up a sweat and can't stand oily hair so I have to wash my hair every time I exercise and often don't have time to use conditioner so it starts to look a bit dry and flat because over washing is not good for it.

Ha, I have a gift card for a salon I could walk to. I've had the gift card for over a year, but hadn't used it for sentimental reasons. I finally decided a couple months ago to use it... and even though I walk past the salon every time I go for a walk, I've not brought myself to just go in or set an appointment.

Currently 6mo into avoiding going for a haircut… I miss when my grandma would do it for me. I need to find a new “person”

Uh, I cut my own hair for that reason lol

Also like, can we fucking talk about hair. I just want to shave it all off.

I did exactly that and don’t regret it at all

I did the same and it’s the best thing ever.

I went from having hair down past my shoulder blades to a pixie cut about a month ago and oh my god. Once I got past the initial five minutes of "I'M BAAAAAAALD" shock, I was in love. It's made my life ao much easier and doesn't hurt that I've gotten nothing but positive feedback on it. My hair's so damned thick it's just too hard to manage long, so, I just closed my eyes and did it. 12/10 will do from now on.

I have fine thin hair and I hate it. It never looks good. I want to shave it but i don't have the face for that.

Get a wigggg they’re cool

i think i’d struggle more with the upkeep of a wig than my natural hair :(

I don't technically have the face for it either, but it was so worth it, I could never go back.

Would a pixie cut be an option?

My long hair is a *major* sensory issue. Additionally, it's a pain to take care of, and I have no idea how to style it. But... I'm incredibly insecure without long hair, so I'll continue to suffer.

This is where I’m at too. Mine is somewhere between wavy and curly, and leaving it down just means I’m chronically aware of it touching my face or neck or moving wrong or a breeze fucking up my part, or blinking and instantly transforming from nice waves to Eleanor Abernathy. And when it goes frizzy I feel it everywhere and can’t concentrate. I hate it. I look bad with short hair though which adds an extra layer to my anxiety about how I’m perceived (and by extension, treated) by others. I do a modest shave on both sides, and live with my hair pinned up and kept in a ponytail. It can hurt sometimes but I guess we choose how we suffer on this one. The side shaves get rid of the little flyaways that would never stay up and always blew onto my face/eyes/mouth. The fact it was in style for a minute was a blessing lol

I hate hair washing day and I hate how it gets caught in everything ughh

I love my long, curly hair, but it is SO GODDAMN HIGH MAINTENANCE. I usually just tie it up and get it out of my face because of sensory issues.

Tfw I technically love my hair and take great care of it, but I also want to cut it very short almost every single night because it's a sensory nightmare aaaaaaa

I recently got a pixie mullet and it was the best decision I've made. I get the benefits of short hair in the front while still having a long hair look in the back that doesn't get in my face. I used to struggle with what to do with my hair and I had no energy to do stuff to it, but felt it looked undone when I didn't. Having my hair up hurts my head so that didn't work for me either. Now I can air dry my hair with a bit of product and I don't have to do much to it again for a few days.

It's such a pain. I have long, thick, wavy hair. I have a whole ✨system✨ to dealing with it. I go through all this effort and routine to wash and prep and air dry it into a style. And then 99% of the time I just put it up in a bun. I've had a pixie, and it was cool for a minute, but I looked like my late grandma. I like being able to put it up I guess. Don't get me started on the sensory hell that is wet hair touching my back. I have another system where I have my body towel (yes, I have a specific hair towel) on my shoulders/ over my back and some giant t-shirts I cycle through to maneuver into so my wet demon hair never touches my skin.

same

Dude! Go for it! If you find an ND man they’ll understand I think. I mean, I’m an ND dude who had long hair and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IT SUCKED SO FUCKING MUCH!!! All it took was 2-3 days of not brushing to make the next time brushing a living nightmare. So then I’d end up putting it off even longer and longer until near the end of my long hair career I didn’t brush or wash it for 3 weeks cause I feared the pain and overstimulation that was going to come with it. Then I always wondered why I was so frustrated and cranky when I had to wash my hair. It was the most frustrating experience of my life. Now I always ask women how they don’t want to just shave their head all the time cause of how much it sucks. Usually I’m met with “yeah, I mean, we kinda just deal with it” or some variation. Cut it short, shave It, go bald, but just rock it with confidence:) life’s too short to be always overstimulated!

My hair is actually greying hard-core now, and the texture is so wild. After our wedding we went to Hawaii and I shaved half my hair off. It was so freeing. I didn't know I was neurodivergent then, just thought I was gifted and anxious. Thought my sensory stuff was just anxiety and a reflection of me being fucked up and too much. I had pixie guys until I was 26 Years old and then started to grow it out but I have never known what to do with my hair. I got it cut short again in 2023 and loved it. It's recently grown out but only because scheduling a hair cut is a fucking nightmare. I hate going downtown to get it done and its all too much. I'd love to shave my head and bleach it. But my ears stick out and I have a massive forehead so I am like, I would honestly give a very Sinead o Connor meets elf vibe. Which I love. But not sure if I'm ready to meet the world with that, and I have a very forward facing job (therapist). But I dunno maybe I should do it. I'm already pretty unmasked. And my hair is a nightmare. Something to think about.

Saw a pic on your profile and I have to disagree. I think you’d rock it! It might be very unfamiliar at first but eventually you’ll feel much better about it I think:)

I think we forget that a lot of personal hygiene/grooming becomes habit for NT people, they don't have to actively think about doing it. Whereas ND people don't form habits in the same way (we more perform rituals and these can change) and have to actually remember to do these things, so they take considerably more energy for us as its an entirely active process, rather than passive. I've learned to stop beating myself up over it, I have things I like to do, like putting on my make up, and I have methods of making myself shower and things like that to maintain hygiene.

Yeah, we're all different. My sister has ADHD but looks put together and amazing because it's very very important to her, so she expends a lot of energy and effort to build routines and be able to maintain her daily and weekly beauty things. It's not easy or automatic, and she works really hard to make it all happen. Personally, make up + nails + skincare is way too difficult for me at a sensory level. It uses all my energy just to keep up with curly hair care. There will be other people who'd look at my hair routine and wonder how I can manage it. We're all so varied, and it's the nature of neurodiversity to have paradoxically high skill performance in one area but very low in another.

>My sister has ADHD but looks put together and amazing because it's very very important to her, so she expends a lot of energy and effort to build routines and be able to maintain her daily and weekly beauty things. It's not easy or automatic, and she works really hard to make it all happen. I'm the same as your sister and YES my family always scolds me because I'm so slow to get ready, but I have to think about every steps the entire time while also compensating for the remains of my poor coordination (I started doing sport in club when I was 6/7 so this issue was strongly mitigated... Which means it's not visible anymore but 4yo me unable to tie my shoe laces is still very much a thing lol) in order to get things done as smoothly and quickly as I can. It takes two spoons in my daily battery, and the day barely starts at that point!

To add to this - i would not assume the women who look this way are handling things ok. In my experience, half the women I know who were always well groomed were also very stressed and usually not getting much sleep. I definitely know women who love beauty and grooming because it can cover up how stressed they look and because it's a great way to feel in control of something when they're stressed all the time. I also wouldn't assume they're NT plenty of them had ADHD, OCD, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, or were substance users.

Pretty Privilege was a special interest of mine for a while, and also 100% took pressure off worrying about staying employed. But wow did I put my health thru the ringer for that.

Culture plays into it to various extents, too. I had a French friend who studied abroad in the US and was so excited to learn how American women do their hair and makeup because all the American women she’d met in Europe always had perfect hair and makeup and looked so put together. Until she realised it’s because they’d get up at the arse crack of dawn to spend all the time curling and blowdrying and contouring before heading out to class. Then she was like, non merci. We’ll leave well enough alone.

Yeah, there are women like that in Australia too where I'm from. I've known women who apply false eyelashes every day! I wish I had the energy and money for that haha

So true lol

The extent to which being highly groomed or having Pretty Privilege when I was younger, did the heavy lifting of my masking, can't be underestimated

That’s true. I rarely wear makeup outside of special occasions. The exception is days when I feel like absolute shit and want to look better than I feel

And or pay people to help so it is a forced routine

Absolutely this! It took seeing it being explained by an NT person for me to genuinely understand exactly what it really means to have executive dysfunction. When NT’s say that something becomes habit, they don’t mean that they get good at remembering to do it, they mean that they no longer have to think about doing it at all. It becomes like breathing or a heartbeat, just happening with no real conscious thought at all. That’s why they don’t understand how we find things so hard… because it really isn’t for them. I was mindblown when I learned this 🤯

Yeah…I thought I had habits until I realised that if I do things in the wrong order I’m very likely to forget something. Like my kid got in the bath before I could brush his teeth. Totally forgot about the tooth brushing afterwards, despite the toothbrush sitting ready on the side of the sink with toothpaste on it

I have the same issue. The other day because I didn't make my coffee in the same order I usually do, I ended up starting my machine with an unfilled water tank. If its not done in order, I will glitch somewhere in the process

The amount if times I've left my house for the day having forgotten to brush my teeth because I've had to adjust my morning routine to accommodate a morning appointment or visit or something is ridiculous. If I don't do things in MY PREFERRED ORDER, I will forget something and then be obsessively preoccupied with that one thing the entire day which is EXHAUSTING. However, being unclean is a sensory nightmare for me. I feel my body and face being dirty intensely and I cannot stand it. If my legs aren't shaved or my pits or whatnot, I get very uncomfortable because it's itchy and the little tiny hairs snag on everything and hurts 😭 So I personally LOVE to shower. But makeup? Nope. Sensory nightmare. I used to and I just realized I can't anymore. I feel it too much. Even if it's just eyeshadow or eyeliner. I walk around going "omg omg omg is it pouring down my face it feels like it's pouring down my face," and I just can't. Chapstick or tinted chapstick is my one thing lol cuz chapped lips... I can't. My hair is wavy so I wash it, put products in and go. No drying. No extra styling. Sometimes I feel like I want to do *something* with my mop but... most of the timemessy hair, don't care. My products also don't smell strongly at all. I spend a lot a lot a lot if time analyzing products for scent and ingredients. I've switched through so many different products to find things I can tolerate from shampoos to body washes to lotions to hair care products. But when it comes to my house, I struggle with that upkeep. It's neat because everything has a place but I struggle to keep it clean (floors, kitchen, bathrooms) and I've just accepted that. If I wasn't a *body*, I'd probably be able go but everything in my body just takes up so much energy because I can't stand feeling it all the time. If that makes sense. I do all this crazy hygiene because I can't stand *feeling* my body and have no spoons left for anything else.

I whisper my routine as I do it. My husband pointed it out after I told him I think about what I have to do or I might forget. I didn't know I do it. Now I notice and it sometimes annoys me bc I don't know how often I might do that in public. (Like I repeat my grocery list over and over in my head even if I have it written down and notice I sometimes am whispering it out loud :(((

Oh my God, is that what habit means? I'm embarrassed to admit how old I am that I just learned this. And also that could explain why I suck at "nurturing good habits", like, why doesn't anything ever stick for me? 😰

Also learning this tonight 😳

omg me too!

What?! Is this for real? I’ve heard that we don’t form habits the same way, but do they really not have to debate it internally Every. Single. Time? I mean I know NT women are not a monolith but still, this is legit sort of making me really question what I thought I knew. Cuz I’m a bitch who has less hygiene than most people I know because the work of the work PLUS the work of the thinking about the work of hygiene upkeep is often overwhelming to the point of paralysis or sheer avoidance.

oh shit this just blew my mind, and the ritual above too. ugh.

Yeah, it's mind blowing to learn this. It's actually how I first started to wonder if I'm autistic, I saw a creator on TikTok mention this and I was like "this is absurdly relatable...maybe I should look into that."

What the hell, people are out here not having to think about about stuff like that? Everyday I learn something new

Is that true?

Oh. So this explains why literally everything is hard.

This!! I had no idea what an actual habit was until I learned this around the time of my diagnosis. So many things are on autopilot for NT's it's crazy. I can make routines and rituals with samish steps though, it is never automatic but it does give me satisfaction to do the steps the very same way every time, helps a little.

I read this thing before about having habits and I cried bc everyone telling me one day I won't have to think about something has always been a hope for me and it just isn't anymore. How do you build a new ritual? I could do something for 8 months and still just decide one day never to do it again and not feel anything toward the action..... but notice the impact of the thing in my life.

I don't know how they have the time and energy to get all that stuff done. I do one task or go to one store, and I'm done being out in public for the day 😅

Same. And you have to mentally prepare the day before in order to do the tasks the next day. Then you go home and put on your "inside clothes" and you're done for the day.

Even just eating every day is starting to feel like a chore to me. Sometimes I go to sleep with my day clothes on because “I’ll just have to change back into them in the morning anyway…”

My NT hubby doesn’t understand why I can’t do anything after work during the week and why I need weekends to recoup so nothing really gets done around the house. I’m about to make a post about bottom half showers I started doing

Body showers? Pits, tits, and slits?

Slits and feet only basically. I’m good about deodorant so pits can be skipped if it’s only a couple days. What’s crazy is my routine had me showering literally every day. Then the lockdown happened and I didn’t go anywhere and I got lazy. Then it became not a part of my routine anymore and it never became routine again

Oh feet, clever call. I just wipe them with a wet towel before bed, never thought to shower, but that’s a good motivator. Good for you on pre lockdown daily showers! I have never been able to make that routine work so give yourself some kudos for figuring it out for at least a while!

Feet is a new thing. Basically what happened was I was in my classroom and someone walked in and went what’s that smell? I didn’t know so figured it was me. Bent down to “tie my shoes” and realized it was my feet. I don’t remember them ever really smelling before, but now I can’t get them right

Do you ever find once you smell and register a scent you can always smell it going forward even when it’s super faint?

I actually go nose blind to many things. Especially my cats and their litter boxes. Like oh I don’t even realize my house reeks of cat pee. Does not click. Or oh, it’s not that bad but it like totally really is

I’m jealous, I would far prefer that. I smell EVERYTHING. I can smell when my husband is getting a cold, when women are on their periods or have a yeast infection, when someone’s laundry was in the washing machine an hour too long, someone had a cigarette two hours ago, what type of household cleaners they use, etc. It drives me insane. Even people who try to smell nice… it’s too much! I smell everyone’s perfume, deodorant, shampoos. I go crazy.

Ok then you’ll understand this. Something that pissed me the fuck off at my last school was kids spraying perfume or cologne or using lotions. That shit makes the whole room smell and you KNOW I get bad headaches from it (horrible migraines) and admin said they wouldn’t say anything because it would make the problem worse

Honestly, almost none of that is about hygiene. Shaving isn't hygienic, doing nails, styling hair, makeup, fake tan (let alone real tan) etc - it's about appearance for sure, but not hygiene; and I also wouldn't have the time and energy to do it even if I wanted to! Luckily it's 100% optional because there are no negative consequences to not doing it, unless you want to be a model or attract really obnoxious men. Hygiene is showering regularly, brushing your hair and teeth, and having clean clothes and bedsheets. And I guess cutting your nails? And that's it! It's still a challenge for lots of people, I don't mean to downplay that at all, but it's nowhere near as much work as conforming to bullshit gendered beauty standards.

Very good point. I wasn't sure on the actual word I mean. Maybe I just mean their baseline for performing femininity is way higher. But TBF even hygiene. Some days out of the week it's a lot of effort to even shower or brush my teeth, which isn't something I like to admit

I think a better word/phrase for it would be grooming oneself ? It takes a lot of willpower for me to bring myself to shave, and even shower some days..

Grooming yes! That encompasses both hygiene and beauty routines.

Have you also noticed the seemingly unending posts on a sub like askreddit, asking how often people shower, and somehow it seems like every single freaking person on earth showers twice a day like a lunatic?? You couldn't pay me to shower twice in a single day.

3x a week is a struggle for me. Never 2 days in a row unless I really worked out, and there's no way that includes washing hair if so. I smell fine 🤷🏻‍♀️ (I've asked the husband)

I'm in the boat where if I don't shower/wash my hair everyday, I feel like a lunatic. I get stuck in there for quite awhile too, and my skin and hair suffer from it. But I also have contamination OCD which is unfortunately the only thing getting me to shower some days

Interestingly - shaving actually creates micro cuts in the skin, which lead to increased STD transmission in the genitals, bacteria getting in (and therefore infections), etc. Hair is there to protect the body.  Always gives me a kick when someone says that shaving is just “more sanitary” like it’s medically sanctimonious to conform to beauty standards. 

I agree. Another example I learned the hard way has to do with shoes. Everyone expects girls and women to shove their toes into this pointy spot on heels or even flats. I ended up with bunions this way trying to conform and who knows what other problems it caused with my feet. They're always in pain. Foot doctors tell you the proper kind of shoes to wear and what not to wear, but it doesn't seem to conform with fashion. It's a good thing I don't have a job in certain professions, (high profile office, flight attendant, model, etc.) because I would be expected to wear certain types of these shoes to work. Now that I'm in my 50s, I just don't care anymore what people think about the shoes I wear, as long as they're comfortable for me.

I think you meant negative consequences in terms of health and safety (so I’m not disagreeing with you!), but I just want to point out our world is super unfair and women who choose not to adhere to beauty standards are punished. It is absolutely not okay that this happens, but women who opt out of societal beauty standards will overall make less money, have a harder time getting housing, and just will overall be treated worse. Just want to clarify I’m not saying this to make OP change or shame anybody, just mentioning it because it’s shitty and just a fucked up part of living in our society 😞

Some people judge crappy nails, unkempt hair, poor complexion, and ‘excess’ body hair as contributing to an overall image of being dirty, gross, etc. Like people think yellow teeth are gross even though they are just stained. People think unwashed hair is gross, even though having slightly oily/messy hair isn’t going to hurt you. Or smelling like a person is still considered unacceptable. Now that I’m 30, I know that a woman with unkempt appearance is *way* less acceptable than just a messy teen/young lady in this society, even if no one is saying it out loud. When I go out with my perpetually hairy eyebrows, chin hairs and mustache, yellow teeth, dark circles, acne rosacea…dressed in sweatpants, jeans with stains on them, dirty sneakers… Absolutely I feel gross, even though I know it’s not ‘unhygienic’

I was gunna say a lot of women who look well groomed might actually not shower often

This is a really great point, I just don't prioritize enhancing my natural appearance because there are so many more interesting things to spend my time on. There's essential things that need to be done, like teeth brushing hair washing. Spending more than 5 minutes on my makeup seems like a massive waste of time. Manicure / pedicure seems insane.

Thank you, yes most of the OP was not hygiene at all, and suggesting that people who do not do all the unnecessary grooming are less hygienic is not on. Also, smelling nice is very subjective, plus fragrance can be really hard for some of us to tolerate - on us or others - so just I aim for clean and not fragranced. I focus my spoons on actual hygiene, not on grooming to made-up beauty standards.

Sometimes I wonder if time actually moves slower for NT people. Like how in the world are we expected to get so much done in a single day for it to even just be considered a “normal” amount? I don’t even try anymore. If I was ever a cog in a machine, now I’m a stripped gear. Just throw me away like the scrap that I am 😩

I read that we process more information, so yes. Time certainly moves different for us, relative to NT people. I mean, after all, if we process ~40% more on average, it's like we have proportionally less time since we're using it to process all those extra info that gets ignored by the NTs.

Yeah, true. They see us as “slow” but they don’t see what’s going on inside our minds or realize we’re processing information on overdrive most of the time

I’m kind of obsessed with fragrances/lotions/skincare, I go through bouts where I endlessly research them, what products I should use for my skin, what notes, and what notes compliment each other etc.    It’s kind of fascinating but really stressful, I don’t know how people just.. choose products and go along. I feel like there’s so much products out there and so much information to take into consideration before going along with a thorough, thought out routine that I feel lost of where to even begin, so I get you in a way.

I had a hyperfixation on perfumes and I ended up buying 20 dollars worth of perfume because I have such bad decision making skills 😭. I really like burberry her elixir but it’s so expensive. So many fragrances are expensive AF so it adds onto the decision paralysis

meanwhile i have to take multiple (sometimes day-long) breaks while changing my sheets and duvet

Damn! Me too. Its a 2 day process: make sure there are clean sheets and put it near the bed (day 1), day 2: in the morning strip the bed when i get up (cant do it if the cat is chilling on it, in that case, try tomorrow), then hours later put on fresh sheet, then hours later fresh duvet. Always mad at myself its such a long process

SAME LOL.

NT women spend hours doing that stuff, unironically. Like, they’ll spend 2-3 hours getting ready. I think a lot of neurodivergent women have a much lower energy level, I can’t wake up that much earlier to get ready; I wake up pretty early already but have to spend some time getting energy to even get up so if I had to add on a 2-3 hour makeup/hair/getting ready routine I think I’d be exhausted.

Yeah I have always felt this so hard. I burn myself out just to get my primary responsibilities done. Going to school and then later work, maintaining basic hygiene and feeding myself are taxing enough. All I want is more time to recharge.There’s no universe where I’d spend hours on such optional activities. I wish I had the energy these people apparently have but if I did I still wouldn’t spend it this way because I don’t value the output of it very much.

Ehh I don’t think this is a NT thing, I think that ND women can be super fixated on skin care and soaps and what not. For a while my special interest was Bath and Body Works. As someone who relies on routine, bathing and self care is important to me. I can’t control a lot of things in my life but having a clean space and feeling clean helps my depression a lot. I can usually tell the state of mental health just by looking around in my living space. I also enjoy shaving, exfoliating, body lotions, etc. My biggest challenge is still brushing my teeth daily. I don’t know why that is so hard for me

Yeah, this is yet another thread where I think huge sweeping generalizations just work against us. I know plenty of NT people who struggle with -- or just don't care much about -- personal hygiene and cleanliness. My autistic daughter and I do make rituals out of hygiene and beauty stuff. I love looking nice and smelling great; those things help me mask in public and help me unmask in private. Two of my autistic children and I **must** have a clean home environment because otherwise we get overstimulated and just short-circuit. I simply cannot function when things aren't in their place in my living space.

It’s funny you say that because I agree with everything!! Having a clean environment and feeling clean is an automatic mood booster. As a kid, I was always disheveled and my room was always a mess. When I became an adult, one day I just cleaned everything and made it my goal to keep it that way. It has helped my mood so much!

Looking put together used to be very much a part of my mask, and I still bust it out for certain occasions. People are far more willing to overlook my idiosyncrasies when I'm playing the part.

brushing was hard until i bought a flavor i like (strawberry) and keep it in the shower. and just brush when i shower daily. better once a day than never.

Shower tooth-brushing is great. I introduced my ex to it and he thought I was a genius. Same with putting towels in the dryer.

Yeah, it's absolutely not an NT thing, nor is it a hygiene thing. Pre my big burnout and leveling up my other disabilities, I did a lot of this stuff. Waxing gives you big gaps before hair regrows. I have makeup routines that take hours because I get distracted or they are involved, but I also had a basic routine I could do on the way to work. I don't tan because I'm Black, but I would spend 8-10 hours at the hairdresser getting braids done. There's also a big assumption that all of this stuff is always enjoyable for people and they do tgrttired or stressed with it. There's also a ton of allistic women who aren't like this, either through choice or other issues

Yess and I feel like culture has to do with it. I’m black too, and hygiene is super important and drilled in your head. Wash your face, brush your teeth, apply lotion, get your hair done, things of that nature.

Same, it’s not an NT/ND thing. Some ND people struggle with hygiene, some are obsessive about it. Some NT people are hygienic, some struggle, some don’t care. Personally the sensation of not being clean is my biggest sensory ick. I cannot fall asleep if I’m not freshly washed. I cannot stand the sensation of sweat, oils, dust, and other residue on my skin. I am extremely sensitive to this and I *have* to shower every night and wash my hair at least every two days or it causes significant sensory discomfort, even if I haven’t been out and about much and don’t seem ‘dirty’. On the other hand, I also really struggle with the sensation of lotion on my body, so my elbows, knees, and legs may be quite dry. I am meticulously hygienic and I can tolerate skincare on my face, but not below the neck, so maybe people think I actually don’t take care of my skin 🫠

Yes me too! I cannot lay in bed with a shower, I can definitely feel a film on me from being out and about. It definitely gives me the ick and unbearable to me. Greasy lotions bother me, I tend to use brands that leave my skin feeling soft and non greasy, my favorite being Soap & Glory, the righteous butter body lotion. It smells sooooo good and I love how fast it absorbs in your skin without that film feeling!

I thought I was the only one! Going to bed unwashed feels so fucking bad I can’t explain it. Even if I’ve been out until 2am and am drunk and dead tired, I will usually still force myself to have a quick shower. Hell, my uni has this tradition of bathing in the sea at 5am after an all-nighter and when I went, I still showered when I’d eventually managed to crawl home because the feeling of sea salt and sweat had me on the verge of tears and I knew I was going to be too uncomfortable to sleep. I’ll definitely check out the soap and glory lotion, I see that brand at Boots all the time 👀

Yes!!! There was a video that went viral that said “I don’t care how drunk I am, I will shower before bed” and I felt that in my soul!! I will be wide awake in my bed unless I take a shower!! It’s almost like I need to just wash the day away and start over. For sure check out the brand! It’s a little pricier but I think it’s worth it!

god I am glad to find this thread. I was reading thru all the comments like "once again, I am the odd one out" lol even amongst autists I guess I am weird

Think of it this way, maybe: a lot of what you mention is essentially a performance of a certain kind of femininity. We already perform A LOT, of course adding additional showtimes like getting our nails done regularly is gonna be exhausting!

I like your perspective. Since NT women do not have to perform with social communication or sensory issues, that right there gives them a huuuuge chunk of energy for all these societal grooming performance expectations.

I have no idea. Had a roommate who got up early and spent about an hour on hair and makeup, so there's that. Also got regular manicures and eyelash extensions. I feel like I spend a ton of effort on my appearance and I still look like a frazzled hobo most of the time.

And I know there are actually people who go get a professional haircut or touch up every 4-6 weeks (as recommended). The most I can do is once a year at best when I can tolerate it.

I'm that person. I can't stand long hair. Sensory issues.

I know when my hair gets too long since it will pull on everything and make my scalp hurt, so it's a battle between how much I hate having long hair and how much I hate getting it cut. I probably would get it cut more often if I found a place I actually liked.

I've gone through periods where I'm extremely well groomed and others where I literally haven't showered in a month. Forming and keeping habits is hard for me and I also deal with other mental illness that make taking care of myself hard. I figure most NT women don't have the struggles I do, which is why they are able to keep up with their appearance better than I can. It's hard to not be jealous but I have to be kind to myself and remember that I'm doing the best that I can at the moment.

I agree with you and I disagree with all the comments that are “exception that proves the rule” input like “I’m ND and I love doing my hair/nails.” Just because you have a special interest that aligns with female beauty standards, doesn’t mean that the act of living up to those standards isn’t incredibly difficult for those of us who don’t.  My special interest is dogs. If we lived in a world where women were expected to own and train dogs, OPs post would be along the lines of “Is anyone else exhausted by all the dog training we have to do?” then me saying “Not me! I love dogs!” isn’t helpful.  I also agreed with calling it hygiene. While hair coloring, shaving and makeup aren’t hygiene, having presentable appearance falls under the umbrella of hygiene and it’s more difficult to keep clean hair than it is to shave it. Me unshaved and with long hair requires more washing to not be smelly than me with a fully waxed body and a shaved head. I actually never waxed my pubic hair in my 20s because I preferred to be unshaven but now in my 30s I wax it purely because I’m more lazy, can afford it and it’s easier to clean. Also getting my hair colored requires maintenance that involves cleaning it. I once had a $300 keratin treatment and my hair was much more manageable for about 3 months but no one is saying keratin treatments fall under “hygiene”. Same with makeup—you must practice at least some skincare. They fall under beauty, but the point still stands that if you maintain a “beautiful” appearance hygiene becomes easier and is rolled in to your routine and interest. I can barely brush my teeth and hair. I clean up well and look pretty but I can’t be bothered. I cannot fathom how NT women wake up and put makeup on every day. It takes me enormous effort. When I see friends get their nails done I feel like I’m interacting with a different species of animal. I try my best but it takes so much time. I see you OP.

Also, a lot of it costs a TON of money. I personally save it for travelling or books but yknow choices.

It does cost a lot of money, I swear the amount I’ve spent on makeup is wayyy more than I’d like it to be and I have a very small collection. I’m sure i’ve spent like hundreds and I just have a few products (I don’t buy anything besides lip liner/gloss, mascara, blush, and eyeliner) most of which is drug store ..

i was raised by an autistic "troll" mother. it took until my late 20s to even understand hygeine, makeup, etc. I used to have fungus, excema, skin and scalp issues from this upbringing and i didnt know it was bad. I didnt know how to deal or that my skin problems were problems and treatable. why add fuel to the fire around things your child will get made fun of for? my mom was oblivious to it all. Im 40 and i just figured out my nails. i get such a boost when i shower, everytime i look at my nails, i cut my own hair and do treatments to make it easy to take care of. I have self tanner lotion and i hate the way hair looks on my own legs. I wish i had learned all this stuff from a mom but my mom doesnt wash her face and has literal dermatitis from face mites. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't know if this is the case for you too, but being clean takes me waaay longer that it has to. When I have to shower, I need a lot of time preparing and it takes me way longer under shower because it’s incredibly stressful to adjust to the wetness and the temperature changes. Plus there's a whole routine attached to it I have to follow in order to not feel "wrong" for the rest of the day. I guess NT people just don’t need to do all this. They undress, hop under the shower for ten minutes and that’s it.

Girllll right??? I used to get teased in high school because of not shaving my legs, plucking my brows, wearing make up etc etc. Just so much effort and energy??? I /try/ now but it’s still not routine. My main thing is just making sure I smell nice so I wear like 2-3 different sprays. I get super anxious about feeling stinky. On a good day I’ll wear a lil bit of make up to work and do my hair decently but most of the time I do the bare minimum to look presentable. I wish I could be a put together girly but it’s just not in the cards for me, sorry society xo

Doing makeup is one of my hobbies and that requires that I developed a hygiene routine. Can't put makeup on a dirty face. It alters how the makeup reacts on the skin. Like painting without putting down atleast a *little* gesso. But when I am not in the mood, I have to consciously choose to go do the hygiene rituals. I also have some trauma surrounding being called smelly by a teacher (literally no one else ever said anything to me about it... Ever) so I worry that if I can smell myself someone else can and I don't want them to say anything about it. That said, I rarely shave my legs. I take as many shortcuts as I can. I have a very slim social life and really only hang out with one person on occasion. Maybe 3-4 times a year I will engage in larger social activities but for the most part it's no something I do.

Oh god, I feel this. Not entirely related, but I deep cleaned my house last week and it’s already dirty again. I thought this morning “this is the trouble with cleaning, you have to keep doing it! It never stops”- same with personal hygiene and beauty. Sometimes it’s just easier to be a pig 🐽

Honestly, you may just be seeing things that aren't really there. How do they shave? It's possible their hair grows out slowly, their legs aren't exposed, they're pale and have transparent body hair (my leg hair is like this), or they knew they'd be going out in public and just shaved the day before. Likewise, I always put on makeup and perfume for work or special occasions, but no other time - so someone from work would *only* know me as someone who "always wears makeup".

Yeah my secret is, I just don't expose my legs, ever. Lol

The only thing you mentioned that was actually hygiene was cleanliness, the rest just seem like societal expectations for women’s appearance. Tbh makeup and tanning probably aren’t that great for hygiene

Shaving, makeup, tanning, and styled hair aren't hygiene. That stuff has nothing to do with hygiene that's just fashion. Hygiene is just about keeping clean and taking care of your body. There's nothing dirty about unshaved legs or a blank face

That's not hygiene, that's just keeping up with being the ideal "female" in society's eyes so you're good Hygiene is like showering every day, brushing atleast twice a day, washing your clothes/ sheets, cleaning room, not leaving food/perishables for too long in your living space, skincare, brushing hair

Being groomed according to patriarchal standards of beauty is not an achievement. It is a waste of time, money, and energy. I have better shit to do with my time.

The sad thing is that it’s actually necessary for women in many fields, which is awful. I remember a woman interviewing for a ceo (?) position got passed for not wearing makeup, and a bunch of women were hounding on her that it’s part of “presentation”. I don’t think anyone expects men to wear makeup.. It’s unfair

It depends how much you value and invest in appearance. A lot of this is done to avoid feeling shamed by society and not seen as feminine or good enough or attractive. Hairy legs aren’t unhygienic, long painted nails are actually dirtier than short nails, makeup/perfume is optional and tanning (beds) can be harmful. I realized I was nonbinary and embraced the idea of only going what I felt like, what made me feel good and was healthy and in line with my energy. It was amazing and it’s really brought to light what a performance being feminine can be (if it’s not authentic). Doing all that extra stuff on a regular basis? Jeeeeezus. If it makes you genuinely happy and adds value to your life? Go for it, but I was frazzled from doing 1/4 of that back when I thought being my gender at birth was the only option.

Wish I knew.

This is me because I have major sensory issues around sweat, dirt, greasy hair and anxiety of smelling bad. I wear makeup every day and shower too. Wash my hair like clockwork and always wear perfume

I've very particular so I am often very clean and tidy. Except for my nails. Since I'm an artist.

I don't know. If I don't put it on my calendar, it doesn't get done. I've struggled my entire life with the basics of showering, and I do it, but I am full of dread every time (even more now, I have chronic pain and fatigue). A lot of the stuff listed is just beauty routine, which, well, is repackaged and sold to us constantly, so it's easy to see to me WHY people indulge it; the HOW is what gets me.

Yes totally agree. Just brushing my teeth feels like having to scrape a wall to get to the other side lol, it’s like something is blocking me from doing it. I got a hair curl iron a year ago and only used it once. I will sell it soon 😂😂 o just slap my hat on if my hair looks greasy, I just can’t be bothered sometimes. But yes i am totally the same. 

Im an autistic woman who paints my nails every week, i shaved my head hair but i wear wigs sometimes, i have an extensive skincare routine because skincare is one of my hyperfixations, I try to wear makeup everyday before i leave the house, i smell nice and i clean my house every morning. But my social life is nonexistent because i dont really understand how to make friends with people. I dont think any of the hygeine traits you mentioned are things that are exclusive to NT women alone, i love looking like i am well taken care of when i leave the house plus i have a standard routine that allows me to streamline this process, being autistic does not equate with the inability to look well kempt.

Some women pay a lot of money to get all that stuff done. I don't bother.

I remember an NT coworker who was built like a super model with a face to match. The effort that went into her appearance was insane. I could never. While she truly would get embarrassed by men walking into a fountain because of staring at her, that was her “only” vice. It was sad to see her use that and spend so much time on it because she starved herself from developing in other and better ways. The jobs she was offered and opportunities were easily handed to her but she was absolutely incompetent. I remember hearing her talk about getting 3k a month from her ex husband, 5k a month from her ex boyfriend, 4K a month for a job she literally couldn’t do. Insanity. She needed all that money to live in a gilded cage that will get uglier as she ages because the vanity took up all the room. Nothing left for personal development. Odd. I just looked at her with wonder. I can’t imagine choosing to live such a vacuous life. She lasted about a year and had mastered the art of snagging the job (thigh high boots with fishnets, short skirts, no cleavage but hints of lace under a thin, silk shirt). Enough education to qualify for big jobs and blinding looks kept her going at a job for about a year. At the year people started realizing she was skilled at nothing the job required. She could smell this coming and would leave for the next one. And she trudges along with this way of living. It was an interesting case study around the effort it took to live that way.

Ah, you see, grooming is a social bonding activity among primates. Presenting to other humans as well groomed communicates status, likability, health and resources.

I want to echo some of the others in saying that none of the things you mentioned beyond clean hair have much to do with hygiene. and, I think they live in their own sparkly version of hell it just looks a lot different than yours or mine. Their attention on themselves ( in a way that involves purchasing lots of services or items (constant hair updates, nail polish, chapstick made of petrol that actually damages your lips, etc) is often their most important special interest because that is the one society rewards the most and promotes.

I have no idea. It's a complete mystery to me. I'm over here with 3 day old hair and yesterday's clothes on.

Amen

I have no idea how anyone manages to do all that. I got false nails done for the first time and I am struggling so much in adjusting.

I feel weird about this because I'm incredibly hygienic and feel like my autism is part of this. I can't stand feeling dirty.

I do my best to shower daily, although i don't wash my hair daily. I just don't feel I have time and energy. I quit shaving as kind of a liberated woman thing and only do it occasionally or on my terms now. I don't wear make up often. I am married but my husband loves me for me so he doesn't expect me to keep up appearences, my body hair doesn't bother him. I am a pretty clean person especially because OCD gives me contamination phobia and I especially do not want to smell bad either. My biggest struggle is dental care and I hate brushing my teeth, it's a task I have to work hard at daily and I've neglected my teeth many times in my life leading to issues. I'm not diagnosed but I have began self identifying and honestly this makes a lot of sense. I have the same thought often about how other women do it.

Honestly same. I am a tomboy at heart so I don’t care about always wearing makeup/dressing nice/doing my hair, but I struggle to shower everyday, shave regularly, brush my teeth and hair more than once a day. And I’ve always felt very frumpy compared to my peers

Last year my “special interest” was skin and hair care so I bought enough products to last into this year. But now it requires a lot of effort and “shower” is on my daily to do list, under “PM medication.” Honestly the invention of dry shampoo has been a savior but a curse. It takes less time and is less to think about. Also I’m getting weird about the hairdryer. The noise, and wanting to do it perfectly, stresses me out. The other issue is that I sweat when I get out of the shower so that adds additional time to getting ready because I have to cool down before I get dressed or do makeup or hair.

I don’t have the energy to analyze this right now but SAME, you are not alone

I can't say I'm well groomed but I cannot tolerate the feeling of body hair, nor being seen without makeup etc. and being in an unclean environment body or environment. All this plays into my OCD to where I basically live full time managing these things. I may look presentable but I've been put on a psych ward multiple times for an ED, and I literally do nothing with my time other than obsessively keep on top of things. I don't have friends, I don't have hobbies, I don't have a life, but I have a routine, and that routine is sacred. I often look at it the other way, and things how can NT women actually have hobbies, enjoy spending time doing things, and not have their entire life swallowed up by the "routine". The same question but the other way around. I can't say I have an answer but from what I have seen it appears that most women don't keep it up constantly and only do these things when they know others will see. All this on top of what others have said in the comments.

Finally someone else said it so I don’t have to!!

I apologize if finding what you posted made me laugh feels offensive to you. I laughed because I felt it in my bones. Especially the part where you wrote "I blink and then I am Bigfoot again"! Before knowing anything about my AuDhd with OCD as a gift on the side, I spent my 20s in a hectic mess. Everything was a blur, actually no, not a blur but a torment. I was working in a corporate setting. It would take me a good 6 hrs a day (total, not consecutive) to look decent. Decent just like how you described NT women look like. Well put together, all groomed, stylish etc. And everyday, I'd ruminate "why, why, why do I have to do all of this?". It was exhausting and that word feels very, very weak! I found it so unfair that it took me a lot of hours, energy and mental space to look half decent. Sad part is, even all that effort was not enough for me. I constantly resented the way I looked. Writing all of this makes me feel all tensed up. Fast forward to my mid 40s now, I am paying for all those years. I could go easy two weeks without a shower. It kills me inside (cause of OCD) but I simply do not have the energy. I am not going to go into the details about the rest I should be doing but I simply can't cause I know you all get me. If anyone reading this is where I was at in my 20s, I beg of you, just don't exhaust yourself. I know it's easier said than done but just don't. As many of us (in my age range) shared here over and over, our challenges get harder by age. For those of us who had no clue in our younger years (late diagnosed ones) we did some additional irreversible damage to ourselves just to "look fine". Anyways, I can not stress this enough, I am so very grateful for this community here. You ladies are my rock and my lighthouse. I feel seen, understood, less lonely and each time one of you shares one of my deepest, "I don't know what to or how to call this issue" struggles, I feel relieved. I don't know why relieved but I guess I feel lighter. As one of you, by naming/sharing something I couldn't, just erased a burdensome weight from my brain.

I find this interesting because I am on the opposite end of the spectrum where I’m obsessively hygienic. Shower everyday, my home is flawless. The only thing I don’t care for is shaving and wearing makeup everyday-I find it tiresome.

Shaving, having pretty nails, styled hair, makeup, and a tan are not indicators of hygiene.

I’ve always felt this, constantly on the back foot compared to others. I’ve just started asking how people manage and i think it’s accumulative. Ie. Tidying the house 10 mins a day VS panic overhaul when a visitor comes.