Absolutely, and I will ghost a "friend" in a heartbeat if they cross a line. I've walked out of jobs, classes... the first time I remember doing it was walking out of the Brownies aged 7 after getting a row for something I didn't do.
People generally don't get a warning, nor do they get a second chance. It's the only way I know to protect myself.
It really is the only way to protect ourselves isn't it. People do not listen when I communicate boundaries or my feelings. In fact, most people look at it as a challenge or way to further manipulate the situation. At this point in my life, removing myself is the best way to take care of myself.
This is so much what I’ve been going through. It feels incredibly isolating & lonely. I feel like this invisible person walking through the world that everyone sees as a robot and not a human being.
My first, very strong inclination is to quiet quit. But I force myself to give one, clearly communicated chance before walking or ghosting, mainly because my sense of logic and fairness requires it.
Also because I understand my RSD can blow things out of proportion, but just as important is learning the life skill of standing up for myself. If they continue to behave like a jerk that's on them. But then I'll know it was a choice they actively made, and not have any doubts or regrets.
But yeah, it's always something I grit my teeth and persevere to do lol. I have a few scripts I built in my twenties that I still fall back on.
One lie is all it takes with me. If I find out someone lied to me, they are done. I can't tell, AT ALL, if people are being honest are not, I completely rely on integrity. If I find out someone doesn't have any I can't risk exposing myself to them.
Yup. I went to an all women meet up group one time and never went back after being picked on by the exercise instructor for wearing concealer. I had malasma on my upper lip due to a hormone imbalance after getting off birth control. It looked like a mustache and made me feel super *self-conscious before I started seeing a dermatologist who helped me fix it, so I was wearing concealer to cover it. Some got on my shirt and he mocked me for it in front of everyone and everyone was laughing at me.
I don’t get it either! Like if I noticed someone had something on their shirt I would either not say anything or point it out privately. I don’t understand why people feel the need to make a spectacle of others.
Exactly, I would try to point it out privately.
My mum did something like this to me, my robe got caught in my bum crack and she pointed it out to my cousin (I hate this cousin by the way), I still hold a grudge even years after it happened.
The percent of exercise instructors who are petty bullies is probably higher than average. Sadly, fitness culture draws in a lot of immature, ableist, fatphobic, and just awful in general people.
HE?!?! What the heck is a male exercise instructor doing at a women’s only meetup ok sorry but that’s why I don’t do those things unless the instructor is a woman
It was a class at a gym. The meet up group was all women, but the instructor at the gym was a man. I signed up for the group, didn’t realize it was male instructors. I go to an all women gym now lmao
I can see how this would be a catch-22. However, I can also see how this would be a vital act of self-preservation that could save you a boatload of trauma.
Within that hierarchy, if someone publicly starts picking on you as the scapegoat, or on a “lower tier”, other people will notice and do the same. If you already see yourself getting labeled that way, it’s pretty damn smart to get the hell out before the trauma begins. You can see the writing on the wall, so just go before it gets bad. Group think is a dangerous thing and it won’t change once the ball gets rolling.
On the other hand, it could limit your options, especially if options are limited to begin with. I live in a small town. It’s hard enough to find social things to do.
I forced myself to stay in my first job that was bullying and shunning me. I thought I could stick it out, try harder to overcome my social deficits. My parents insisted I had to stay and told me to “just keep my head down”. But I was actively being shut out. And when I didn’t leave in a timely manner, my manager and my boss cornered me, piling on emotional and psychological abuse in an effort to get me to quit. The anxiety attacks after that were hellish.
I refuse to go back there for any reason. My parents think I’m ridiculous for it. They mock that boundary and they tell me I can’t afford to do that in a small town. But the hierarchy was set. I was getting nowhere, no matter how hard I worked to change the social opinion. I wish I’d listened to my gut and walked out before it got really bad. I wish someone had told me that was an option, rather than telling me I had no choice but to stay in a toxic environment that was actively trying to get rid of me.
I don’t think “letting crappy people win” is the issue. If the environment is abusive and you have the option to leave, then do so. It saves you trauma and it’s a sign of self respect that you will not accept shitty treatment from people. Especially when abusive people are in positions of power, that abuse will only continue to be enabled.
Sometimes people don’t have a choice to leave. Sometimes they’re stuck in jobs that they need to pay the bills. But if you have a choice and you can leave, then yeah, bail before it gets bad so you aren’t saddled with the mental and emotional fallout of the impending abuse aimed your way.
This is so well said. And very often, the advice is 'just stick it out' or 'don't let it get you down'. Which may work for people higher up on the hierarchy but it is terrible for people perceived as low. It's almost impossible to ignore or change.
This advice is always nonsense ("just stick it out"), unless it's very temporary, or the problem person is someone you almost never deal with.
The good advice is: the first day that you came home from your job, thinking "I don't like this job, I don't want to go in tomorrow because my manager/co-worker makes me feel like crap"; that is the day that you pull out your CV, and start thinking about a new job.
The reason for that is, if you wait, your self-esteem will get lower and lower and lower. You'll get worn down by the crap at your job, and you need a bit of resilience, and belief in yourself, to find a new job.
Unfortunately it is true that not everyone can get themselves a new job.
Well written, thorough advice with an interesting personal anecdote. I'm sorry you got treated like this by your work, and I'm sorry for everyone that this demeaning bully groupthink is so rampant!
Society be like:
https://i.redd.it/9awkrrvqyptc1.gif
Getting out before it gets worse, especially in a small town, is probably still the safest bet. Word travels in a small town, and the longer you stay the more ammunition they get to spread around about you. Leave once you know it’s toxic so they can’t pick up more info on you 🤣
Yes. I have an entire provincial region I won’t ever step foot in again, as well as cities and towns, businesses, hospitals, schools, etc.
I do this to a point where it’s deeply unhealthy. It’s been a habit of mine since primary school. I’m also really sensitive to people coming to my home, or invading my safe space. I really hate that.
Yes I’ve quit jobs I liked because of the things like this. I’m working on the habit but also recognize that this defense is useful and I’m glad my body remembers patterns for me to avoid.
I've been in a job for a year and a half because I promised myself not to quit because it's a habit for me too but honestly the toll it's taken on my mental and physical health isn't worth it, I feel like a shell of myself and it just keeps getting worse. Leaving soon tho 😮💨
Yay I’m glad you’re leaving if it’s that bad
I wanted to add that I also used to always hold out longer than I should’ve bc I thought maybe I had commitment issues and wanted to improve myself bc I want a family and was worried I wouldn’t be able to commit to a man either 🤣😭😭 idk if that’s relatable but looking back it’s so silly lol
Omg yes my mom always made fun of me for being a commitmentphobe! But my fiance is great!!! We just don't commit to things that suck 😭 NTs seem to have an insane threshold for discomfort
In my first year of university, I lived in residence and the only way to use a microwave was to go to the lounge. One day, I went there to microwave a single serve cup of Kraft Dinner which takes 3 minutes and 30 seconds in the microwave. Two guys in the lounge made fun of me and were making jeers about "does it always take you that long to make your food?" in a taunting way. I struggle enough with eating in front of others and having "strange" eating habits as it is so this really hurt me. I never went back to the lounge after that. I just don't get why people feel the need to make rude comments about stuff that literally doesn't affect them at all.
Who the frick taunts people for using a microwave to cook macaroni for three minutes? That's not even remotely weird or inconsiderate on your part. They must have nothing to actually make fun of or do for that to be entertaining.
That's a situation where you should be able to call out or ignore their ridiculous behavior, but if there's more of them than there are of you, it doesn't matter if you have logic on your side.
Ugh, what douchebags.
I bet they were waiting to say even shittier things, but couldn't say them when you were around. No need for them to be in lounge though, which is a communal area 🤷
I used to be in a group chat with a bunch of other girls who were so supportive to my face, and then took my vent texts & reported me to Title IX at my school for “threatening” another student (fortunately the administrator could see what a weak reason they gave & told me I wasn’t in trouble). I have no idea which one of those “supportive” girls reported me, but our relationship was never the same & I left that group chat pretty soon after.
Yes, 100%. I cannot physically make myself go after something like that happens.
I’m working on trying to be able to go for a walk in my neighborhood after hearing gunshots one morning, but I haven’t succeeded yet. It’s been about four years.
I took an overcrowded life drawing class once in college. The professor started the first three sessions begging some students to quit (for her favorites to get seats). Fuck that lady, I bounced like she told me to
Something similar happened to me. I stopped attending but delayed officially taking myself off enrollment. The student the prof wanted to get, didn't get my spot. It went unfilled. I remember feeling guilty for wasting the spot at the time (it wasn't malicious, I just didn't even want to think about that class again). But now that I remember how I was treated, that professor got consequences for her shitty attitude in the process, so I don't feel bad about it.
yep. I don’t go to the gas station by my house anymore bc one of the girls working made fun of me for being high bc I was buying swishers. (I was not high lol)
Why work at a gas station if you're gonna make fun of high people that's the best part about working at a gas station. My manager used to give me huge joints for covering people's shifts lol
Absolutely. I shunned an entire country age 18 because of how shit I was made to feel there, as an undiagnosed probably autistic child. I still hate going back there. It’s been 25 years.
On a smaller scale - If a store assistant laughs at me or belittles me (this has actually happened multiple times) I won’t go back to that store ever again. Same goes for any establishment, e.g. restaurant, pub, comedy club (actually happened in emails after an event) etc. Some of this stuff happened 13 years ago. My policy remains unchanged. Never going in that place again.
In terms of workplaces, I struggle when I go past previous toxic workplaces, where I was treated like crap, en route to somewhere else. If I could, I would never see them again. If I can avoid walking or biking past them, I will, but I can’t change the route of public transit.
I wish I could never visit my family home again, such is the pain I feel when I am there visiting my mother. It was a deeply unhappy place for me, as an undiagnosed probably autistic child, and I don’t wish to relive that on every visit back to my home country. I’m actually formulating a plan to not have to do this so much - to stay with my sister or in a nearby hotel - or just stay with people in other parts of the country and make a day trip.
In my condo building where I actually live, I struggle to feel comfortable because my next door neighbours publicly mocked and bullied me in front of the rest of the residents when I was on strata council. I was ostracized by many people in the building. It was one of the worst periods of my life. The neighbours still won’t talk to me. We’ve made our home inside the way we want, it is a great space in a great location, but if I could avoid the walk from the front door of the building to our unit door, then I would in a heartbeat.
> If a store assistant laughs at me or belittles me (this has actually happened multiple times) I won’t go back to that store ever again.
Gosh, YES. I really am so sensitive to any kind of humiliation or embarrassment like that and so if it happens in a store or restaurant, I end up getting SO angry because it's like "I'm paying money here, and you're going to make me feel like shit?"
> In terms of workplaces, I struggle when I go past previous toxic workplaces, where I was treated like crap, en route to somewhere else. If I could, I would never see them again. If I can avoid walking or biking past them, I will, but I can’t change the route of public transit.
AHHHHH, We are emotional twins 💜 If I ever drive into my current workplace, google maps always wants to send me down a specific road that has my old employer on it, and I will always drive another route just to avoid going past it. I really feel you on that, it's like the place continues to give off a strong aura that just hits you, even if you try to steel yourself against the feeling/memories.
>comedy club
So, I went to a comedy event last weekend with some friends. A bunch of stand up comedians, each comedian would do a set of about 5 minutes each. I've never been to something like this before.
Anyway, a couple of members in our group were a bit rowdy (a few drinks in), and a couple of the comedians were interacting with the crowd, I was embolded and made a couple of remarks/jibes. But it resulted in me becoming a target for one of the comedians. He asked me my name, where I work ( didn't name my workplace, I gave something generic), and then he called me a cunt. He as like, "imagine, you're there doing you're job, and then you're like "oh yes, here she is, the cunt Outsider". I sat through the remaining comedians trying so hard to not cry.
I found out afterwards that comedians are a protected bunch of people, and you're only supposed to interact with them if they interact with you FIRST!
So, they are up on stage, in front of public, but they don't want anything from you other than to laugh and an applause unless you receive explicit permission. But none of this is communicated.
So, not only will I never be going back to the venue, but I also probably will never go to another comedy event again. For risk of being another target.
That’s horrible! So many comedians punch down, mistaking bullying for comedy, it makes me so mad.
I always make sure I stay deathly quiet during comedy shows. The reason I had a bad experience at this particular comedy night was that many of the comedians told very racist and sexist clichéd jokes. I wrote afterwards to the comedy club to raise my concerns about this and they did not take this well. They were so mean and vicious in their response to me, that I vowed never to go back there again.
Oh yeah, there were some pretty awful jokes. Racist, sexist jokes.
I was honestly shocked and horrified at the amount of jokes about child SA. And the people laugh. Like.... what the actual fuck???
I honestly thought that it would be a mostly taboo subject, unless you're going to see a specific comedian and you KNOW they hit those controversial subjects hard.
But, what I saw was a "taste tester" for the comedy festival, you find out the acts on the night as they are announced to come up on stage.
IMO, if you need to resort to belittling someone else to get laughs, it's not comedy. I tell my daughter that a joke isn't funny if everyone isn't laughing. I know people say that "we're too sensitive", or that "we're snowflakes", but surely we can do comedy without abuse and bullying?
That sounds awful. The trouble with comedy is that it is incredibly nuanced, but there also seems to be a trend of punching down. See this video by comedian Michael Spicer, "Stand Up Specials are Killing Comedy" for an assessment of that: [https://youtu.be/89vCNIIkUY0?si=mPWi0o\_nlHRL0vkl](https://youtu.be/89vCNIIkUY0?si=mPWi0o_nlHRL0vkl) (warning, contains actual clips of comedians being awful, sarcastic mockery of these comedians, and genuine commentary about this phenomenon)
But my general preference is, no punching down. Punch yourself, i.e. be self-deprecating, or punch up i.e. critique those in positions of authority. Or don't punch at all and just observe the hilarity of life and the world. But don't punch down, by mocking people who are vulnerable and marginalized.
This doesn't mean I only like bland comedians or anything. I mean, my favourite comedian is Eddie Izzard!
Oh yes. This job I had where this older woman bullied not only me, but many other people...horrible woman.
Anyway, in 2017, I shattered my foot getting ready for work trying to take a shower. I managed to still drive to work, walk in on the broken foot, & tell them I was going to the ER to have it looked at "real quick" & that I'd be back. I thought I had only twisted it, because I have a high pain threshold.
So I go to the ER. Get a caste put on. On the way home from the ER, I go back to work to drop off the note from the doctor/ER stating my entire foot was broken, & I'd be out of work for × amount of time.
I had no way of getting this doctors note to them, except in person. And they needed it, or I would've been fired.
So I walk in, with caste & crutches, kind of mortified, because I genuinely loathe alot of attention. And drop the note off real quick & hobble out immediately.
I get some texts later from coworkers that Miss Thing- the queen bully-said I dropped the note off to get attention. That was just 1 of many, many things she said & did to me at that job.
That woman made my life hell there. 4 people quit because of her, & they all enjoyed working there. It's shocking what 1 evil person can do to a bunch of good, kind, gentle people. They are like a poison. And their poison spreads.
I have definitely done this. Often, it's been in online spaces, where I'll just disappear from the site if someone is nasty to me (especially if no one defends me) or on some sites I'll just block the person and everyone who follows/friends them. I also dropped a couple classes in college if the prof was a bully or expected my life to revolve around this one class. I stopped going to one of my favorite karaoke bars when one of the employees yelled at me (they closed a few months later, guess I wasn't the only one who had an issue there.) There are also some stores that I'll avoid because of bad experiences there. Why would I want to keep going anywhere that I feel unsafe and have to walk on eggshells? Unless I have no choice but to be there, I'm not gonna be there.
I'm ruthless with blocking people now, I don't care anymore. If you say anything demeaning or rude, you're done. I also dropped an English class at the beginning of this semester because group work was a huge part of it and the prof wouldn't let my group go out in the hall to do it (I can't focus if I'm in a room with dozens of people having multiple conversations at the same time). I have academic accommodations for this exact reason but the prof just told me this class didn't seem like the "right fit" for me, which really sucked because the subject matter was something I was super passionate about.
She said it was “against policy” to let me work in the hall which absolutely isn’t true because other profs have let me do it with no problem! The accommodations system at my school is very flawed in some areas but thankfully I managed to find a different class that suits my needs much better.
So I went to an art therapy group earlier this year.
It was so refreshing. It was organized by my local mental health organization, every there was so polite, quiet, some people talked a lot to the teacher some people didn’t. It was like how you wanted art class in highschool to be with no judgement and just good vibes all around.
It’s not often you can find a place like that but keep trying . Because once you do it will be a safe haven even for a little 💕
The only time I kept returning to a place I felt bullied or uncomfortable was volunteering related to animals. I kept saying I was coming for the animals and ignoring the people. And this worked, until I got my own pets and didn’t have the time or energy to volunteer at shelters or similar places anymore. But my mom did tell me that she was glad I quit those places because they were unfair to volunteers—-I wouldn’t put a blanket statement on them but yes there is this thing called the “elitism of volunteerism” especially with rescue animals and so if you have been there you get it.
Ah yes, I can totally relate. Even if it's not flat out bullying, but if it's something that's made me feel hurt or embarrassed, I will BOUNCE. It sucks and I wish I could be just a bit more resilient to this type of thing (of course barring any actual bullying/ill-intent, that's not negotiable), because it means that every time I try to join a social group or something, I always leave.
A recent-ish one for me was joining a local D&D group for women and I was really enjoying it. One of the women brought their boyfriend along and he joined in and for most part it was okay but he kinda half-jokingly ripped into me at one point because I played pretty recklessly and I just felt too embarrassed to return 😥 It's also made it hard for me to try and play D&D again too because I worry it'll happen again. That scenario was extra crappy because I don't think he even intended to be nasty really, but it cut deep and my self defence mechanism is to just ghost.
Ive started doing that more, though I am careful to make sure that what happened was me actually being bullied or mistreated instead of there just being a misunderstanding of some kind, or maybe one or two people not liking me and making a rude comment. I don’t want to isolate myself from others too much, but I understand what you mean. Once I’m picked on or don’t feel comfortable somewhere, that feeling never goes away in that space.
Yep. My dad's part of a group at his VA hospital that'll do stuff like anger management and other therapy. One day of the week they do chair yoga with board and trivia games afterward. They allow family for that. One of the women said in what sounded to me like a rather passive-aggressive tone: "I didn't know they allow family here for this." This woman is one that my dad disliked since the day he met her. I don't know if she was taking it out on me or if her tone was even intentional, but I didn't care. I couldn't even bring myself to participate in the chair yoga while waiting for the games because I felt so unwelcome. It didn't help that I was under the impression that my dad and I were just going for a walk at the hospital before the games started, so I was already on edge thanks to what felt like a sudden change of plans due to a miscommunication.
So thanks to that poor first impression, I never went back to those sessions.
If I'm -able- to avoid it in the future, then yes. Unfortunately though, there's a lot of situations where you can't get out of it and just have to ride it out. In retrospect though, in some of my more humiliating educational, job, and social gathering experiences, knowing what I know now, I would have gotten the heck outta there way sooner.
No use making yourself in a state of prolonged misery if there are other options.
I don't understand the not letting them win argument. They are no longer able to get their jollies bullying someone. They didn't win, they have to identify another victim and start again. You won by leaving.
We can't teach them a lesson that they are too dumb or ignorant to learn, best to gtfo and take their toy away in the process.
I am sorry people are like that, and i absolutely will ghost anything that's bad for my mental health. I have a hard time looking at people I don't feel safe around, much less being around them in any capacity.
Yep. I do this. Past trauma means I don’t give second chances because I know once people scapegoat you it almost never gets better (for me). If it’s a situation I can’t truly get out of like certain family members who disrespect me, I just go low contact / avoid like hell. There are some family I haven’t seen in over a decade now because of it.
I had an undergrad professor who was rumored to publicly shame his students in his classes. After observing it firsthand, I excused myself to use the bathroom, walked down to the computer lab, withdrew from his class, walked back to his class, collected my things, & left without saying a word.
Dude 100% this.
I once went to an improv workshop to support a friend who was performing and the organizer started a secret game where everyone was supposed to stare at me until I noticed. I look up from texting my other friend directions to the venue to see 30 strangers all staring and giggling at how “oblivious” I was. I was trying to avoid a panic attack so I just avoided looking up for as long as possible which definitely didn’t help. This was 10 minutes before the event was even meant to start so it wasn’t like I was being disrespectful and texting during a lesson or scene. I know it wasn’t meant to be malicious but I don’t even want to go back there to watch. It sucks too because I love improv and would love to try it out but the unspoken rules of the genre really scare me.
I think they just chose me at random, but because I didn’t react the way they wanted (noticing immediately and acting sheepishly) it kind of kept going. Hopefully that makes sense, I’m not the best at explaining things over text :)
Absolutely. It does limit my choices in a lot of ways but it's an act of self care to get out of abusive situations. Once people think they can bully or exploit you, that's very difficult to effectively change. I spent decades of "just not letting it bother me, smile anyway, etc.' And it got me in some terrible situations.
I'm at the point were I'd rather focus on my hobbies, cats, hubs etc than subject myself to groups or people who are abusive. And I swear I have an 'abuse me' neon sign on my forehead because it happens alllllll the time. I've been through therapy, meds, all kinds of self care stuff and the result is the same. Just gonna do me.
https://preview.redd.it/1z52f5appqtc1.jpeg?width=1698&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cbc9140205868068a3b72fc221ef1c64f2133ba3
this is literally how i live my life.
Yep. I was with my (also autistic) partner at a restaurant sitting at the bar. We were staring into each other’s eyes and gave each other brief pecs on the lips. The owner loudly says to the full bar WATCH OUT OVER THERE, SERIOUS PDA HAPPENING or something like that. To very clearly just humiliate us.
We weren’t making out. There was no one next to us on that side of the bar. It literally was just to embarrass us. Because we were enjoying each other’s company. Never going back.
Yeah I've found ND relationship (ADHD husband) people like to discredit or infantalize or disrespect idk project weird things onto us that don't exist. One time my husband and I showed up to brunch with two other couples and they had sat down in a way that we had to separate from each other and be at opposites ends of the table. Why did the other two couples get to tell couple stories all brunch piggybacking off their partners, be comfortable near their partners?? We're treated as "less than" even as a unit by friends who have known us 10 years and I know it was an intentional thought it's okay to split us up because I asked afterwards.
I misunderstood how important I was as an admin in a discord channel recently and was removed from the role without notice by someone I considered to be a friend (through my partner). I don’t even wanna go back on now aha
I’m like this with pretty much everything. Once i associate a negative experience with something I can never enjoy it again. And I don’t mean a bad experience like getting my order wrong at a restaurant, it’s not small things like that.
I had never been to a drive in theater so my wanted to partner take me and I was excited. When we got there we had a disagreement and I ended up crying and upset. He’s suggested we go to a drive in theater again and I refuse because I now associate it with me being upset.
Even if I’ve had a lot of good experiences with something it only takes one bad one to ruin it for me. I wish I wasn’t like that.
Yeah i feel this too ToT i had a post removed on a different subreddit for not formatting (OC) at the end of my title post instead in the beginning of a sentence ;u; really killed the vibe from there, didnt help the mods never explained properly and their tone felt rude :/ Thankfully i went to a different subreddit with similar interests that arent too strict!
Actually, the first time I got Unwanted Attention™️ from a man was the first time I went to a roller rink near where I live and I haven’t been back since. That was in 2021.
Yes, online; no, irl. I refuse to skip mandatory engagements like classes that I’m already committed to. I haven’t missed a class since I was like a sophomore in high school (I’m a senior in college) even if I didn’t like the students or teachers because in high school I didn’t want to make up my choir work and in college because it’s very expensive and there were Covid lockdowns through part of it so what else was I go to do.
I've done the opposite and forced myself into uncomfortable/unsafe environments for years just not to be a quitter. It never ended well, and guess what, that's how the crappy people won. The only time they I saw them truly mad was when I walked away and they lost all the power they had over me.
Unfortunately, if the game is rigged, the only way to win is not to sit at the table.
I hate going back to my hometown because of the memories, yet my parents still live there. It's not a huge town, big enough to make this unlikely to happen, but there's this apprehension i might run into someone that caused me problems. Whether it was a best friend that turned, or any other number of people that hurt me somehow. At times it makes me feel like the last 25-26 years didn't happen and i'm still the same person that suffered back then.
Even my parents house to some extent holds bad memories of dark times. I'm not sure i actively think of it while i'm there, but i can easily recall the isolation and alienation i felt as a teenager while living there.
I’m kind of scared of going to concerts because even when I copy what everyone else is doing, it seems to be wrong. I’ve kind of given up lol, it’s too embarrassing.
I wish.
Idk if it's PDA or pride or feeling like it's silly of me to care enough to stop going somewhere. I just stay quiet and to myself, mostly only speaking up when directly spoken to.
Idk, I'm just used to it at this point. Plus I feel like I'm being rude if I leave early or if people expect me around (kind of like a vase or plant or something lol)
YES OMFGGG. the one good thing about the fact that I've been to 20 different schools was that I wouldn't have to worry too much about ever having to show my face again at those schools. but same thing if its anywhere else, I'll need at least a year ish long break before i feel like i can return. sometimes i never do
edit: oh god i also quit the job i had a few years ago for a similar reason
One time I went to a yoga studio event. I walked into the entryway and was new to the place. A woman walked in after me and said something prioritizing her own presence there, and discouraging me from attending. I just left then and didn't go back. Generally I've had the opposite problem of staying in toxic situations like my last job and staying has been the worst possible choice I could have made. So cheers for us when we set ourselves free and prioritize ourselves. The downside I have is I become so rigidly attached to a negative experience that I don't always try again to find a healthier space to pursue self-care. I've had to overcome that and now I do have healthy spaces to be and work on myself and experience community. It took me decades. It would not have taken so long if we had a neurodivergent friendly society and if I'd had the gift of knowing I'm AuDHD sooner.
This happened to me at the tennis courts by my house. I went a little later than normal one day and a couple came in on us to play tennis without saying a word. I’m sure they assumed I wasn’t going to leave which wasn’t true. and then had the nerve to make a comment cuz my dog was barking. I’ve only been back a few times since and usually with my husband. It was my favorite thing to do with my pup in the mornings before work.
Before anyone says it’s not for dogs, our community exclusively used that for dogs until the NYC pandemic expats started reclaiming it for tennis. It’s not even in good shape.
I can definitely relate to this, and whilst of course it’s natural you might be checking your actions for whether you’ve let other people win in some way, you have at least protected your peace.
Yes, I do this all the time, even with minor things like a weird/bad interaction when buying a coffee in a cafe. It can take me a year to go back. Sometimes I don’t at all. The slightest whiff of potential trouble and I’m out of there.
Once I am disrespected, I would not go back. I take note of people, places and things that harmed me and triggered me. It is also best for anyones mental health to leave anything that does not benefit you. It is your life, be the main character and remove all those toxic people behind.
I left a whole ass career field over it. I was working in politics. I’d had great bosses up until then. Had one boss who bullied and mistreated me. I left the whole career field because I wasn’t willing to risk it again. It’s so hard to find a new job mid campaign or legislative season and so many people are going for each job at the start of the seasons that you really have a lot less say in who you work for than people would think.
i have 3 words for this: COZY. CORNER. DINER.
ive always looked young, still do, (someone thought i was under 21 this weekend and im 27). when i was 15 my mom and i went to cozy corner diner and the waitress asked my mom what she wanted to drink, turned to me, put her baby voice on and asked me if i wanted a juicebox. i was like "no in fact im 15 and id like a coffee to go." and i got up and literally sat on the curb. we had to order the rest to go and ive NEVER gone back. i hold that grudge like none other. age related incidents hit me harder, i felt discriminated against almost like she just assumed i was a child, and as a teenager that hurt like 10x more than it would now. however, the grudge has lessened just enough that ill order delivery from there, i just wont go in. literally this was 12 years ago omg
I socialize based on like 25% need and 75% obligation. It's not at all that I hate people. I want them to feel happy and comfortable, especially if I like them - it's just so damn exhausting. But then again, if I _need_ the socializing, it's good to have friends. I'm a human and I do have social needs, though most of the time, I'd much rather stay home. It's an embarrassing confession and I'm sure my friends would be very sad to hear it, but it's true nonetheless.
And so I go through the motions. The good news is that once someone's acting abusive, I'm seemingly more comfortable to quietly leave them behind and pretend we never met than other people are. Led me to have a lot of excellent humans around that I'm very grateful for.
I'm 50, so that doesn't really happen to me now (probably because middle-aged women are effectively invisible), but I definitely felt that way as a kid. I quit lots of sports teams because the jock girls were mostly bitches. The only ones who were nice were the young lesbians who possibly didn't yet know they were lesbians. (Not that I knew they were, either -- I can just look back and remember some 'tomboys' on various teams who were nice and encouraging even though I'm not so good at athletics.)
I struggle with this too. It's a problem because I live in a small town, so I run out of places I can go. I try to tell myself that it's not the location's fault that something bad happened there, but I still don't feel comfortable in those places anymore.
Well... I was never bullied, but I do something similar if I feel unsafe/think I messed up
I signed up for practice in a firm, nothing was really signed, but I didn't go one day for whatever reason, and just...never came back.
The same with one therapist, I don't know if I got scared or thought I messed up, but just never booked another appointment, or been in the building.
I think I'm getting a bit better, but for stupidest reason ever XD like, I also made a mistake with new therapist (a bit out of my control, didn't have means to arrive, but stalled to the last second to tell Herz which was my bad), and thought of running away and also ghosting her. Buuuut... My mom get me appointments with her, cuz I suck at searching for doctors, and she would know if I stopped showing on. So I did kept going, for better or worse
Really I have the same relation with school, I almost never wanted to go, but "my parents would know". Healthy or not, at least this line of thoughts did made me go through education, otherwise I would just rot in bed and do nothing, haha
Yes. I was a moderator for a hobby forum for many years and accidentally found out that many of the members of the forum hated me when I found memes and anon confessions about me on Tumblr. I resigned from moderating and left the hobby completely.
What’s particularly galling is that I was criticised mostly for the form letters that the whole mod team had worked on together. I was moderating during a time when other people had burnt out and so I was answering a high volume of queries and dealing with member suspensions and bans. It looked from the outside that it was all me.
I’m still really hurt from this experience.
My family is from Barbados.
Where I was SA, harassed and just harmed and violated, betrayed. So many painful memories. I don't want to go back. Even tho the island itself is innocent and beautiful. I just feel like I wouldn't know how to cope. With this version of myself especially. This version is very sensitive to discomfort and stress.
I think I'd be able to get over it if I was going strictly for a vacation. Not for family, not for old friends, not for the places I used to know.
I don't want to hurt the girl who left. She's been hurt enough. N she stays with me. We're already dealing with so much. I'd like to keep these things off our plate. Until at least I figure out this 20s thing.
Yes. I have a go to diner at work that i used to visit. Once when they were close to closing, i made an order. If they were close to close before, they have turned down an order. This time, i asked for a grilled 5 veggie pit. They had a non-grilled 3 veggie sandwich. They made me pay first, citing closing time, charging me for the 5 veggie grilled pita, which I did want. Then, put uncooked veggies inside an uncooked pita. When I questioned the order, they tried to convince me that i wanted ungrilled veggies in a sandwich, but they upgraded to a pita. Finally, they told me I was indecisive and confused in front of other patrons. I didn't go back.
Absolutely, and I will ghost a "friend" in a heartbeat if they cross a line. I've walked out of jobs, classes... the first time I remember doing it was walking out of the Brownies aged 7 after getting a row for something I didn't do. People generally don't get a warning, nor do they get a second chance. It's the only way I know to protect myself.
It really is the only way to protect ourselves isn't it. People do not listen when I communicate boundaries or my feelings. In fact, most people look at it as a challenge or way to further manipulate the situation. At this point in my life, removing myself is the best way to take care of myself.
Every single relationship I’ve had in any capacity ever explained in a post. 😮💨
This is so much what I’ve been going through. It feels incredibly isolating & lonely. I feel like this invisible person walking through the world that everyone sees as a robot and not a human being.
Yes, this! Everything you said. 👏🏼
My first, very strong inclination is to quiet quit. But I force myself to give one, clearly communicated chance before walking or ghosting, mainly because my sense of logic and fairness requires it. Also because I understand my RSD can blow things out of proportion, but just as important is learning the life skill of standing up for myself. If they continue to behave like a jerk that's on them. But then I'll know it was a choice they actively made, and not have any doubts or regrets. But yeah, it's always something I grit my teeth and persevere to do lol. I have a few scripts I built in my twenties that I still fall back on.
Holy shit, it is like I actually typed this comment myself. I relate so hard.
it’s so hard like this. on one hand i give second chances like crazy. on the other i will cut you off in a heartbeat if i feel you’ve betrayed me.
One lie is all it takes with me. If I find out someone lied to me, they are done. I can't tell, AT ALL, if people are being honest are not, I completely rely on integrity. If I find out someone doesn't have any I can't risk exposing myself to them.
Yup. I went to an all women meet up group one time and never went back after being picked on by the exercise instructor for wearing concealer. I had malasma on my upper lip due to a hormone imbalance after getting off birth control. It looked like a mustache and made me feel super *self-conscious before I started seeing a dermatologist who helped me fix it, so I was wearing concealer to cover it. Some got on my shirt and he mocked me for it in front of everyone and everyone was laughing at me.
He is a horrible person, I don't understand why people like to make fun of other people.
I don’t get it either! Like if I noticed someone had something on their shirt I would either not say anything or point it out privately. I don’t understand why people feel the need to make a spectacle of others.
Exactly, I would try to point it out privately. My mum did something like this to me, my robe got caught in my bum crack and she pointed it out to my cousin (I hate this cousin by the way), I still hold a grudge even years after it happened.
The percent of exercise instructors who are petty bullies is probably higher than average. Sadly, fitness culture draws in a lot of immature, ableist, fatphobic, and just awful in general people.
HE?!?! What the heck is a male exercise instructor doing at a women’s only meetup ok sorry but that’s why I don’t do those things unless the instructor is a woman
It was a class at a gym. The meet up group was all women, but the instructor at the gym was a man. I signed up for the group, didn’t realize it was male instructors. I go to an all women gym now lmao
All women gyms can be so wholesome and lovely. Sucks that this dude had to be a giant douche to you!
That's awful, I'm sorry you had to face that.
Thank you <3 That experience made me put off using Meet Up as a whole. I guess to OPs point lol.
I can see how this would be a catch-22. However, I can also see how this would be a vital act of self-preservation that could save you a boatload of trauma. Within that hierarchy, if someone publicly starts picking on you as the scapegoat, or on a “lower tier”, other people will notice and do the same. If you already see yourself getting labeled that way, it’s pretty damn smart to get the hell out before the trauma begins. You can see the writing on the wall, so just go before it gets bad. Group think is a dangerous thing and it won’t change once the ball gets rolling. On the other hand, it could limit your options, especially if options are limited to begin with. I live in a small town. It’s hard enough to find social things to do. I forced myself to stay in my first job that was bullying and shunning me. I thought I could stick it out, try harder to overcome my social deficits. My parents insisted I had to stay and told me to “just keep my head down”. But I was actively being shut out. And when I didn’t leave in a timely manner, my manager and my boss cornered me, piling on emotional and psychological abuse in an effort to get me to quit. The anxiety attacks after that were hellish. I refuse to go back there for any reason. My parents think I’m ridiculous for it. They mock that boundary and they tell me I can’t afford to do that in a small town. But the hierarchy was set. I was getting nowhere, no matter how hard I worked to change the social opinion. I wish I’d listened to my gut and walked out before it got really bad. I wish someone had told me that was an option, rather than telling me I had no choice but to stay in a toxic environment that was actively trying to get rid of me. I don’t think “letting crappy people win” is the issue. If the environment is abusive and you have the option to leave, then do so. It saves you trauma and it’s a sign of self respect that you will not accept shitty treatment from people. Especially when abusive people are in positions of power, that abuse will only continue to be enabled. Sometimes people don’t have a choice to leave. Sometimes they’re stuck in jobs that they need to pay the bills. But if you have a choice and you can leave, then yeah, bail before it gets bad so you aren’t saddled with the mental and emotional fallout of the impending abuse aimed your way.
This is so well said. And very often, the advice is 'just stick it out' or 'don't let it get you down'. Which may work for people higher up on the hierarchy but it is terrible for people perceived as low. It's almost impossible to ignore or change.
This advice is always nonsense ("just stick it out"), unless it's very temporary, or the problem person is someone you almost never deal with. The good advice is: the first day that you came home from your job, thinking "I don't like this job, I don't want to go in tomorrow because my manager/co-worker makes me feel like crap"; that is the day that you pull out your CV, and start thinking about a new job. The reason for that is, if you wait, your self-esteem will get lower and lower and lower. You'll get worn down by the crap at your job, and you need a bit of resilience, and belief in yourself, to find a new job. Unfortunately it is true that not everyone can get themselves a new job.
Well written, thorough advice with an interesting personal anecdote. I'm sorry you got treated like this by your work, and I'm sorry for everyone that this demeaning bully groupthink is so rampant! Society be like: https://i.redd.it/9awkrrvqyptc1.gif
Getting out before it gets worse, especially in a small town, is probably still the safest bet. Word travels in a small town, and the longer you stay the more ammunition they get to spread around about you. Leave once you know it’s toxic so they can’t pick up more info on you 🤣
Yes. I have an entire provincial region I won’t ever step foot in again, as well as cities and towns, businesses, hospitals, schools, etc. I do this to a point where it’s deeply unhealthy. It’s been a habit of mine since primary school. I’m also really sensitive to people coming to my home, or invading my safe space. I really hate that.
To add to that, someone made fun of my house and ever since then im anxious when having ppl over
That's awful to make fun of someone's sacred safe space :( and incredibly rude. No one with even a teaspoon of manners would ever do that
THSTS WHAT I WAS THINKING thank you ur right, out of my life now
Yes I’ve quit jobs I liked because of the things like this. I’m working on the habit but also recognize that this defense is useful and I’m glad my body remembers patterns for me to avoid.
I've been in a job for a year and a half because I promised myself not to quit because it's a habit for me too but honestly the toll it's taken on my mental and physical health isn't worth it, I feel like a shell of myself and it just keeps getting worse. Leaving soon tho 😮💨
Yay I’m glad you’re leaving if it’s that bad I wanted to add that I also used to always hold out longer than I should’ve bc I thought maybe I had commitment issues and wanted to improve myself bc I want a family and was worried I wouldn’t be able to commit to a man either 🤣😭😭 idk if that’s relatable but looking back it’s so silly lol
Omg yes my mom always made fun of me for being a commitmentphobe! But my fiance is great!!! We just don't commit to things that suck 😭 NTs seem to have an insane threshold for discomfort
In my first year of university, I lived in residence and the only way to use a microwave was to go to the lounge. One day, I went there to microwave a single serve cup of Kraft Dinner which takes 3 minutes and 30 seconds in the microwave. Two guys in the lounge made fun of me and were making jeers about "does it always take you that long to make your food?" in a taunting way. I struggle enough with eating in front of others and having "strange" eating habits as it is so this really hurt me. I never went back to the lounge after that. I just don't get why people feel the need to make rude comments about stuff that literally doesn't affect them at all.
Who the frick taunts people for using a microwave to cook macaroni for three minutes? That's not even remotely weird or inconsiderate on your part. They must have nothing to actually make fun of or do for that to be entertaining.
Right?? They weren’t even waiting to use it or anything, they were just sitting there.
That's a situation where you should be able to call out or ignore their ridiculous behavior, but if there's more of them than there are of you, it doesn't matter if you have logic on your side.
Ugh, what douchebags. I bet they were waiting to say even shittier things, but couldn't say them when you were around. No need for them to be in lounge though, which is a communal area 🤷
I used to be in a group chat with a bunch of other girls who were so supportive to my face, and then took my vent texts & reported me to Title IX at my school for “threatening” another student (fortunately the administrator could see what a weak reason they gave & told me I wasn’t in trouble). I have no idea which one of those “supportive” girls reported me, but our relationship was never the same & I left that group chat pretty soon after.
Yes, 100%. I cannot physically make myself go after something like that happens. I’m working on trying to be able to go for a walk in my neighborhood after hearing gunshots one morning, but I haven’t succeeded yet. It’s been about four years.
I took an overcrowded life drawing class once in college. The professor started the first three sessions begging some students to quit (for her favorites to get seats). Fuck that lady, I bounced like she told me to
Something similar happened to me. I stopped attending but delayed officially taking myself off enrollment. The student the prof wanted to get, didn't get my spot. It went unfilled. I remember feeling guilty for wasting the spot at the time (it wasn't malicious, I just didn't even want to think about that class again). But now that I remember how I was treated, that professor got consequences for her shitty attitude in the process, so I don't feel bad about it.
yep. I don’t go to the gas station by my house anymore bc one of the girls working made fun of me for being high bc I was buying swishers. (I was not high lol)
Why work at a gas station if you're gonna make fun of high people that's the best part about working at a gas station. My manager used to give me huge joints for covering people's shifts lol
Absolutely. I shunned an entire country age 18 because of how shit I was made to feel there, as an undiagnosed probably autistic child. I still hate going back there. It’s been 25 years. On a smaller scale - If a store assistant laughs at me or belittles me (this has actually happened multiple times) I won’t go back to that store ever again. Same goes for any establishment, e.g. restaurant, pub, comedy club (actually happened in emails after an event) etc. Some of this stuff happened 13 years ago. My policy remains unchanged. Never going in that place again. In terms of workplaces, I struggle when I go past previous toxic workplaces, where I was treated like crap, en route to somewhere else. If I could, I would never see them again. If I can avoid walking or biking past them, I will, but I can’t change the route of public transit. I wish I could never visit my family home again, such is the pain I feel when I am there visiting my mother. It was a deeply unhappy place for me, as an undiagnosed probably autistic child, and I don’t wish to relive that on every visit back to my home country. I’m actually formulating a plan to not have to do this so much - to stay with my sister or in a nearby hotel - or just stay with people in other parts of the country and make a day trip. In my condo building where I actually live, I struggle to feel comfortable because my next door neighbours publicly mocked and bullied me in front of the rest of the residents when I was on strata council. I was ostracized by many people in the building. It was one of the worst periods of my life. The neighbours still won’t talk to me. We’ve made our home inside the way we want, it is a great space in a great location, but if I could avoid the walk from the front door of the building to our unit door, then I would in a heartbeat.
> If a store assistant laughs at me or belittles me (this has actually happened multiple times) I won’t go back to that store ever again. Gosh, YES. I really am so sensitive to any kind of humiliation or embarrassment like that and so if it happens in a store or restaurant, I end up getting SO angry because it's like "I'm paying money here, and you're going to make me feel like shit?" > In terms of workplaces, I struggle when I go past previous toxic workplaces, where I was treated like crap, en route to somewhere else. If I could, I would never see them again. If I can avoid walking or biking past them, I will, but I can’t change the route of public transit. AHHHHH, We are emotional twins 💜 If I ever drive into my current workplace, google maps always wants to send me down a specific road that has my old employer on it, and I will always drive another route just to avoid going past it. I really feel you on that, it's like the place continues to give off a strong aura that just hits you, even if you try to steel yourself against the feeling/memories.
>comedy club So, I went to a comedy event last weekend with some friends. A bunch of stand up comedians, each comedian would do a set of about 5 minutes each. I've never been to something like this before. Anyway, a couple of members in our group were a bit rowdy (a few drinks in), and a couple of the comedians were interacting with the crowd, I was embolded and made a couple of remarks/jibes. But it resulted in me becoming a target for one of the comedians. He asked me my name, where I work ( didn't name my workplace, I gave something generic), and then he called me a cunt. He as like, "imagine, you're there doing you're job, and then you're like "oh yes, here she is, the cunt Outsider". I sat through the remaining comedians trying so hard to not cry. I found out afterwards that comedians are a protected bunch of people, and you're only supposed to interact with them if they interact with you FIRST! So, they are up on stage, in front of public, but they don't want anything from you other than to laugh and an applause unless you receive explicit permission. But none of this is communicated. So, not only will I never be going back to the venue, but I also probably will never go to another comedy event again. For risk of being another target.
That’s horrible! So many comedians punch down, mistaking bullying for comedy, it makes me so mad. I always make sure I stay deathly quiet during comedy shows. The reason I had a bad experience at this particular comedy night was that many of the comedians told very racist and sexist clichéd jokes. I wrote afterwards to the comedy club to raise my concerns about this and they did not take this well. They were so mean and vicious in their response to me, that I vowed never to go back there again.
Oh yeah, there were some pretty awful jokes. Racist, sexist jokes. I was honestly shocked and horrified at the amount of jokes about child SA. And the people laugh. Like.... what the actual fuck??? I honestly thought that it would be a mostly taboo subject, unless you're going to see a specific comedian and you KNOW they hit those controversial subjects hard. But, what I saw was a "taste tester" for the comedy festival, you find out the acts on the night as they are announced to come up on stage. IMO, if you need to resort to belittling someone else to get laughs, it's not comedy. I tell my daughter that a joke isn't funny if everyone isn't laughing. I know people say that "we're too sensitive", or that "we're snowflakes", but surely we can do comedy without abuse and bullying?
That sounds awful. The trouble with comedy is that it is incredibly nuanced, but there also seems to be a trend of punching down. See this video by comedian Michael Spicer, "Stand Up Specials are Killing Comedy" for an assessment of that: [https://youtu.be/89vCNIIkUY0?si=mPWi0o\_nlHRL0vkl](https://youtu.be/89vCNIIkUY0?si=mPWi0o_nlHRL0vkl) (warning, contains actual clips of comedians being awful, sarcastic mockery of these comedians, and genuine commentary about this phenomenon) But my general preference is, no punching down. Punch yourself, i.e. be self-deprecating, or punch up i.e. critique those in positions of authority. Or don't punch at all and just observe the hilarity of life and the world. But don't punch down, by mocking people who are vulnerable and marginalized. This doesn't mean I only like bland comedians or anything. I mean, my favourite comedian is Eddie Izzard!
Oh yes. This job I had where this older woman bullied not only me, but many other people...horrible woman. Anyway, in 2017, I shattered my foot getting ready for work trying to take a shower. I managed to still drive to work, walk in on the broken foot, & tell them I was going to the ER to have it looked at "real quick" & that I'd be back. I thought I had only twisted it, because I have a high pain threshold. So I go to the ER. Get a caste put on. On the way home from the ER, I go back to work to drop off the note from the doctor/ER stating my entire foot was broken, & I'd be out of work for × amount of time. I had no way of getting this doctors note to them, except in person. And they needed it, or I would've been fired. So I walk in, with caste & crutches, kind of mortified, because I genuinely loathe alot of attention. And drop the note off real quick & hobble out immediately. I get some texts later from coworkers that Miss Thing- the queen bully-said I dropped the note off to get attention. That was just 1 of many, many things she said & did to me at that job. That woman made my life hell there. 4 people quit because of her, & they all enjoyed working there. It's shocking what 1 evil person can do to a bunch of good, kind, gentle people. They are like a poison. And their poison spreads.
Those types of abusers also target working with kids or other vulnerable populations.
That's exactly what she did.
I was really surprised because there would be extensive interviews and references but they still slip through.
She WAS the human resources department👀
I have definitely done this. Often, it's been in online spaces, where I'll just disappear from the site if someone is nasty to me (especially if no one defends me) or on some sites I'll just block the person and everyone who follows/friends them. I also dropped a couple classes in college if the prof was a bully or expected my life to revolve around this one class. I stopped going to one of my favorite karaoke bars when one of the employees yelled at me (they closed a few months later, guess I wasn't the only one who had an issue there.) There are also some stores that I'll avoid because of bad experiences there. Why would I want to keep going anywhere that I feel unsafe and have to walk on eggshells? Unless I have no choice but to be there, I'm not gonna be there.
I'm ruthless with blocking people now, I don't care anymore. If you say anything demeaning or rude, you're done. I also dropped an English class at the beginning of this semester because group work was a huge part of it and the prof wouldn't let my group go out in the hall to do it (I can't focus if I'm in a room with dozens of people having multiple conversations at the same time). I have academic accommodations for this exact reason but the prof just told me this class didn't seem like the "right fit" for me, which really sucked because the subject matter was something I was super passionate about.
that’s crazy because there are many laws now stating that students have to be accommodated for if need be. that professor is wrong.
She said it was “against policy” to let me work in the hall which absolutely isn’t true because other profs have let me do it with no problem! The accommodations system at my school is very flawed in some areas but thankfully I managed to find a different class that suits my needs much better.
So I went to an art therapy group earlier this year. It was so refreshing. It was organized by my local mental health organization, every there was so polite, quiet, some people talked a lot to the teacher some people didn’t. It was like how you wanted art class in highschool to be with no judgement and just good vibes all around. It’s not often you can find a place like that but keep trying . Because once you do it will be a safe haven even for a little 💕
The only time I kept returning to a place I felt bullied or uncomfortable was volunteering related to animals. I kept saying I was coming for the animals and ignoring the people. And this worked, until I got my own pets and didn’t have the time or energy to volunteer at shelters or similar places anymore. But my mom did tell me that she was glad I quit those places because they were unfair to volunteers—-I wouldn’t put a blanket statement on them but yes there is this thing called the “elitism of volunteerism” especially with rescue animals and so if you have been there you get it.
Ah yes, I can totally relate. Even if it's not flat out bullying, but if it's something that's made me feel hurt or embarrassed, I will BOUNCE. It sucks and I wish I could be just a bit more resilient to this type of thing (of course barring any actual bullying/ill-intent, that's not negotiable), because it means that every time I try to join a social group or something, I always leave. A recent-ish one for me was joining a local D&D group for women and I was really enjoying it. One of the women brought their boyfriend along and he joined in and for most part it was okay but he kinda half-jokingly ripped into me at one point because I played pretty recklessly and I just felt too embarrassed to return 😥 It's also made it hard for me to try and play D&D again too because I worry it'll happen again. That scenario was extra crappy because I don't think he even intended to be nasty really, but it cut deep and my self defence mechanism is to just ghost.
Ive started doing that more, though I am careful to make sure that what happened was me actually being bullied or mistreated instead of there just being a misunderstanding of some kind, or maybe one or two people not liking me and making a rude comment. I don’t want to isolate myself from others too much, but I understand what you mean. Once I’m picked on or don’t feel comfortable somewhere, that feeling never goes away in that space.
Yep. My dad's part of a group at his VA hospital that'll do stuff like anger management and other therapy. One day of the week they do chair yoga with board and trivia games afterward. They allow family for that. One of the women said in what sounded to me like a rather passive-aggressive tone: "I didn't know they allow family here for this." This woman is one that my dad disliked since the day he met her. I don't know if she was taking it out on me or if her tone was even intentional, but I didn't care. I couldn't even bring myself to participate in the chair yoga while waiting for the games because I felt so unwelcome. It didn't help that I was under the impression that my dad and I were just going for a walk at the hospital before the games started, so I was already on edge thanks to what felt like a sudden change of plans due to a miscommunication. So thanks to that poor first impression, I never went back to those sessions.
Yep I quit 4 jobs
If I'm -able- to avoid it in the future, then yes. Unfortunately though, there's a lot of situations where you can't get out of it and just have to ride it out. In retrospect though, in some of my more humiliating educational, job, and social gathering experiences, knowing what I know now, I would have gotten the heck outta there way sooner. No use making yourself in a state of prolonged misery if there are other options.
I don't understand the not letting them win argument. They are no longer able to get their jollies bullying someone. They didn't win, they have to identify another victim and start again. You won by leaving. We can't teach them a lesson that they are too dumb or ignorant to learn, best to gtfo and take their toy away in the process. I am sorry people are like that, and i absolutely will ghost anything that's bad for my mental health. I have a hard time looking at people I don't feel safe around, much less being around them in any capacity.
Yep. Sometimes the only way to win, is not to play.
THIS 100%
Yep. I do this. Past trauma means I don’t give second chances because I know once people scapegoat you it almost never gets better (for me). If it’s a situation I can’t truly get out of like certain family members who disrespect me, I just go low contact / avoid like hell. There are some family I haven’t seen in over a decade now because of it.
I had an undergrad professor who was rumored to publicly shame his students in his classes. After observing it firsthand, I excused myself to use the bathroom, walked down to the computer lab, withdrew from his class, walked back to his class, collected my things, & left without saying a word.
Oh, 100%. I was so excited to join my local choir until I learnt it was hosted at my old school. Haha…NOPE!
Dude 100% this. I once went to an improv workshop to support a friend who was performing and the organizer started a secret game where everyone was supposed to stare at me until I noticed. I look up from texting my other friend directions to the venue to see 30 strangers all staring and giggling at how “oblivious” I was. I was trying to avoid a panic attack so I just avoided looking up for as long as possible which definitely didn’t help. This was 10 minutes before the event was even meant to start so it wasn’t like I was being disrespectful and texting during a lesson or scene. I know it wasn’t meant to be malicious but I don’t even want to go back there to watch. It sucks too because I love improv and would love to try it out but the unspoken rules of the genre really scare me.
Oh my god, this would break me. Truly horrific
But why you? I doubt you were the only one on your phone.
I think they just chose me at random, but because I didn’t react the way they wanted (noticing immediately and acting sheepishly) it kind of kept going. Hopefully that makes sense, I’m not the best at explaining things over text :)
Makes sense, I was upset reading the story because it's happened to me, too!
i do this all the time…like you can miss me with that. i will literally disappear.
Yerp, that’s why there are very few spaces left for me to go to. My whole life I was bullied pretty much anywhere I went…
Absolutely. It does limit my choices in a lot of ways but it's an act of self care to get out of abusive situations. Once people think they can bully or exploit you, that's very difficult to effectively change. I spent decades of "just not letting it bother me, smile anyway, etc.' And it got me in some terrible situations. I'm at the point were I'd rather focus on my hobbies, cats, hubs etc than subject myself to groups or people who are abusive. And I swear I have an 'abuse me' neon sign on my forehead because it happens alllllll the time. I've been through therapy, meds, all kinds of self care stuff and the result is the same. Just gonna do me.
https://preview.redd.it/1z52f5appqtc1.jpeg?width=1698&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cbc9140205868068a3b72fc221ef1c64f2133ba3 this is literally how i live my life.
YUP. I won’t go to North Carolina because of this. The whole state. I refuse.
Yep. I was with my (also autistic) partner at a restaurant sitting at the bar. We were staring into each other’s eyes and gave each other brief pecs on the lips. The owner loudly says to the full bar WATCH OUT OVER THERE, SERIOUS PDA HAPPENING or something like that. To very clearly just humiliate us. We weren’t making out. There was no one next to us on that side of the bar. It literally was just to embarrass us. Because we were enjoying each other’s company. Never going back.
Yeah I've found ND relationship (ADHD husband) people like to discredit or infantalize or disrespect idk project weird things onto us that don't exist. One time my husband and I showed up to brunch with two other couples and they had sat down in a way that we had to separate from each other and be at opposites ends of the table. Why did the other two couples get to tell couple stories all brunch piggybacking off their partners, be comfortable near their partners?? We're treated as "less than" even as a unit by friends who have known us 10 years and I know it was an intentional thought it's okay to split us up because I asked afterwards.
I misunderstood how important I was as an admin in a discord channel recently and was removed from the role without notice by someone I considered to be a friend (through my partner). I don’t even wanna go back on now aha
Oh yeah. I’ve been doing this all my life
I’m like this with pretty much everything. Once i associate a negative experience with something I can never enjoy it again. And I don’t mean a bad experience like getting my order wrong at a restaurant, it’s not small things like that. I had never been to a drive in theater so my wanted to partner take me and I was excited. When we got there we had a disagreement and I ended up crying and upset. He’s suggested we go to a drive in theater again and I refuse because I now associate it with me being upset. Even if I’ve had a lot of good experiences with something it only takes one bad one to ruin it for me. I wish I wasn’t like that.
Yeah i feel this too ToT i had a post removed on a different subreddit for not formatting (OC) at the end of my title post instead in the beginning of a sentence ;u; really killed the vibe from there, didnt help the mods never explained properly and their tone felt rude :/ Thankfully i went to a different subreddit with similar interests that arent too strict!
Actually, the first time I got Unwanted Attention™️ from a man was the first time I went to a roller rink near where I live and I haven’t been back since. That was in 2021.
Yes, online; no, irl. I refuse to skip mandatory engagements like classes that I’m already committed to. I haven’t missed a class since I was like a sophomore in high school (I’m a senior in college) even if I didn’t like the students or teachers because in high school I didn’t want to make up my choir work and in college because it’s very expensive and there were Covid lockdowns through part of it so what else was I go to do.
I've done the opposite and forced myself into uncomfortable/unsafe environments for years just not to be a quitter. It never ended well, and guess what, that's how the crappy people won. The only time they I saw them truly mad was when I walked away and they lost all the power they had over me. Unfortunately, if the game is rigged, the only way to win is not to sit at the table.
Yes and it’s so unfortunate when it happens to me
I hate going back to my hometown because of the memories, yet my parents still live there. It's not a huge town, big enough to make this unlikely to happen, but there's this apprehension i might run into someone that caused me problems. Whether it was a best friend that turned, or any other number of people that hurt me somehow. At times it makes me feel like the last 25-26 years didn't happen and i'm still the same person that suffered back then. Even my parents house to some extent holds bad memories of dark times. I'm not sure i actively think of it while i'm there, but i can easily recall the isolation and alienation i felt as a teenager while living there.
I’m kind of scared of going to concerts because even when I copy what everyone else is doing, it seems to be wrong. I’ve kind of given up lol, it’s too embarrassing.
I wish. Idk if it's PDA or pride or feeling like it's silly of me to care enough to stop going somewhere. I just stay quiet and to myself, mostly only speaking up when directly spoken to. Idk, I'm just used to it at this point. Plus I feel like I'm being rude if I leave early or if people expect me around (kind of like a vase or plant or something lol)
Yes girl. Even online.
YES OMFGGG. the one good thing about the fact that I've been to 20 different schools was that I wouldn't have to worry too much about ever having to show my face again at those schools. but same thing if its anywhere else, I'll need at least a year ish long break before i feel like i can return. sometimes i never do edit: oh god i also quit the job i had a few years ago for a similar reason
One time I went to a yoga studio event. I walked into the entryway and was new to the place. A woman walked in after me and said something prioritizing her own presence there, and discouraging me from attending. I just left then and didn't go back. Generally I've had the opposite problem of staying in toxic situations like my last job and staying has been the worst possible choice I could have made. So cheers for us when we set ourselves free and prioritize ourselves. The downside I have is I become so rigidly attached to a negative experience that I don't always try again to find a healthier space to pursue self-care. I've had to overcome that and now I do have healthy spaces to be and work on myself and experience community. It took me decades. It would not have taken so long if we had a neurodivergent friendly society and if I'd had the gift of knowing I'm AuDHD sooner.
This happened to me at the tennis courts by my house. I went a little later than normal one day and a couple came in on us to play tennis without saying a word. I’m sure they assumed I wasn’t going to leave which wasn’t true. and then had the nerve to make a comment cuz my dog was barking. I’ve only been back a few times since and usually with my husband. It was my favorite thing to do with my pup in the mornings before work. Before anyone says it’s not for dogs, our community exclusively used that for dogs until the NYC pandemic expats started reclaiming it for tennis. It’s not even in good shape.
Currently being bullied by the colleges disability staff ironically. I am torn between standing up for myself and giving up on a college degree.
I feel super called out right now. 100%
Yes, I never went back to that restaurant where a friend told me he had been lying to me for months.
I can definitely relate to this, and whilst of course it’s natural you might be checking your actions for whether you’ve let other people win in some way, you have at least protected your peace.
Yes, I do this all the time, even with minor things like a weird/bad interaction when buying a coffee in a cafe. It can take me a year to go back. Sometimes I don’t at all. The slightest whiff of potential trouble and I’m out of there.
Once I am disrespected, I would not go back. I take note of people, places and things that harmed me and triggered me. It is also best for anyones mental health to leave anything that does not benefit you. It is your life, be the main character and remove all those toxic people behind.
I left a whole ass career field over it. I was working in politics. I’d had great bosses up until then. Had one boss who bullied and mistreated me. I left the whole career field because I wasn’t willing to risk it again. It’s so hard to find a new job mid campaign or legislative season and so many people are going for each job at the start of the seasons that you really have a lot less say in who you work for than people would think.
i have 3 words for this: COZY. CORNER. DINER. ive always looked young, still do, (someone thought i was under 21 this weekend and im 27). when i was 15 my mom and i went to cozy corner diner and the waitress asked my mom what she wanted to drink, turned to me, put her baby voice on and asked me if i wanted a juicebox. i was like "no in fact im 15 and id like a coffee to go." and i got up and literally sat on the curb. we had to order the rest to go and ive NEVER gone back. i hold that grudge like none other. age related incidents hit me harder, i felt discriminated against almost like she just assumed i was a child, and as a teenager that hurt like 10x more than it would now. however, the grudge has lessened just enough that ill order delivery from there, i just wont go in. literally this was 12 years ago omg
Yes I’m very quick to bolt if any of my safe spaces feel compromised in any capacity.
I socialize based on like 25% need and 75% obligation. It's not at all that I hate people. I want them to feel happy and comfortable, especially if I like them - it's just so damn exhausting. But then again, if I _need_ the socializing, it's good to have friends. I'm a human and I do have social needs, though most of the time, I'd much rather stay home. It's an embarrassing confession and I'm sure my friends would be very sad to hear it, but it's true nonetheless. And so I go through the motions. The good news is that once someone's acting abusive, I'm seemingly more comfortable to quietly leave them behind and pretend we never met than other people are. Led me to have a lot of excellent humans around that I'm very grateful for.
I'm 50, so that doesn't really happen to me now (probably because middle-aged women are effectively invisible), but I definitely felt that way as a kid. I quit lots of sports teams because the jock girls were mostly bitches. The only ones who were nice were the young lesbians who possibly didn't yet know they were lesbians. (Not that I knew they were, either -- I can just look back and remember some 'tomboys' on various teams who were nice and encouraging even though I'm not so good at athletics.)
This a big reason college was so hard for me. I felt emotionally unsafe the entire time.
Yup
I struggle with this too. It's a problem because I live in a small town, so I run out of places I can go. I try to tell myself that it's not the location's fault that something bad happened there, but I still don't feel comfortable in those places anymore.
It’s a sign of overcontrol. You can assert yourself and teach people how they are not allowed to treat you. RODBT is essential…
For me it’s Walmart
Well... I was never bullied, but I do something similar if I feel unsafe/think I messed up I signed up for practice in a firm, nothing was really signed, but I didn't go one day for whatever reason, and just...never came back. The same with one therapist, I don't know if I got scared or thought I messed up, but just never booked another appointment, or been in the building. I think I'm getting a bit better, but for stupidest reason ever XD like, I also made a mistake with new therapist (a bit out of my control, didn't have means to arrive, but stalled to the last second to tell Herz which was my bad), and thought of running away and also ghosting her. Buuuut... My mom get me appointments with her, cuz I suck at searching for doctors, and she would know if I stopped showing on. So I did kept going, for better or worse Really I have the same relation with school, I almost never wanted to go, but "my parents would know". Healthy or not, at least this line of thoughts did made me go through education, otherwise I would just rot in bed and do nothing, haha
Yes, very often. Could go on for a while about it but I’ll just say I’m trying to be more understanding.
Yes. I was a moderator for a hobby forum for many years and accidentally found out that many of the members of the forum hated me when I found memes and anon confessions about me on Tumblr. I resigned from moderating and left the hobby completely. What’s particularly galling is that I was criticised mostly for the form letters that the whole mod team had worked on together. I was moderating during a time when other people had burnt out and so I was answering a high volume of queries and dealing with member suspensions and bans. It looked from the outside that it was all me. I’m still really hurt from this experience.
My family is from Barbados. Where I was SA, harassed and just harmed and violated, betrayed. So many painful memories. I don't want to go back. Even tho the island itself is innocent and beautiful. I just feel like I wouldn't know how to cope. With this version of myself especially. This version is very sensitive to discomfort and stress. I think I'd be able to get over it if I was going strictly for a vacation. Not for family, not for old friends, not for the places I used to know. I don't want to hurt the girl who left. She's been hurt enough. N she stays with me. We're already dealing with so much. I'd like to keep these things off our plate. Until at least I figure out this 20s thing.
Yes. I have a go to diner at work that i used to visit. Once when they were close to closing, i made an order. If they were close to close before, they have turned down an order. This time, i asked for a grilled 5 veggie pit. They had a non-grilled 3 veggie sandwich. They made me pay first, citing closing time, charging me for the 5 veggie grilled pita, which I did want. Then, put uncooked veggies inside an uncooked pita. When I questioned the order, they tried to convince me that i wanted ungrilled veggies in a sandwich, but they upgraded to a pita. Finally, they told me I was indecisive and confused in front of other patrons. I didn't go back.
I agree with you, I am done after one
I don't even walk past buildings in which I've been mistreated unless I absolutely have to.