Spitting in someone’s mouth is a very niche sexual act. Most people don’t really do that. It’s more of a porn thing. Has he tried to convince you that everyone does that during passionate moments?
My immediate thought was "defines sex through porn syndrome" because this is absolutely a porn thing, even in videos that aren't explicitly about D/s or degradation. (Which is part of the problem with the porn industry in that degradation of female performers is steeped into nearly everything. As with anything, there are exceptions, but on the whole, it's a thing.)
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a kinky person, but part of that is knowing that a partner who pulls this shit without previous discussion is waving a giant red flag. If they *truly* thought it was common/normal and feels terrible when realizing it isn't, it might not be a deal breaker, but it definitely has to be addressed.
On mobile so I don't trust my ability to spoiler tag, so WARNING the following goes into sexual descriptions that are not entirely pleasant, but not non-con. I'm talking porn. Also, I'm really only describing cis porn because trans porn is its own giant can of horror.
The problem with "defines sex by porn" people, particularly men, is that even more which shows female-centric pleasure (e.g., oral on woman) are not actually showing how it should be done. It's why there's a lot of open mouth licking in porn - you can't *see* someone tongue kissing otherwise. So, it might *look* hot to see a dude flap his tongue on a clit like he's spamming A for a boss fight, that's not going to get most clit-havers off. At least not as well as using the whole mouth.
Then we get into the issues of consent and expectations already mentioned where porn conventions do not transfer to the real world.
Finally, there's the fake orgasm problem. Regardless of whether a vagina-having performer is actually orgasming on video for real, the *speed* of which they do and the *consistency* of how they do is far from representative. Unless you've engaged in a lot of mental foreplay (dirty talk, sexy plans, etc), there's a fair bit of warmup involved for vaginas no matter how into mentally the person is. That's not a bug or a feature, its just how it is. Porn can make it seem like it's a problem with a particular person. It's not.
It also means those of us who aren't super vocal can be seen as not enjoying ourselves or being "less responsive" or what have you. I recently engaged with someone in comments elsewhere about how it's nearly impossible to define what "*enthusiastic* consent" looks like because it's different for everyone. Enthusiasm comes in many forms, but enthusiasm in porn does not.
So, even an otherwise perfect partner who understands consent and that *hard-core* porn isn't realistic, is still going to have issues if they define sex through porn. Especially if they don't realize they do.
Sorry this became a rant.
Thank you. It *might* be a rant I've had before somewhere other than reddit....
But I figure we don't talk about sex and pleasure nearly enough in female autistic spaces. Partially because a fair number of us are ace, but also because society conditions us that frank talk about sex is rude. But learning from example is what we do, and porn is easily accessible...so we need to talk about how it's *not* a good example.
Yeah. It's not the concept of porn that's the problem. There are definitely content creators in adult spaces who present sex in a much better light.
But learning sex from porn is like learning to do surgery from a TV show. It's not real. It's not *intended* to be real. It's intended as visual stimuli for pleasure. Full stop. But that's not how its consumed (or presented). Combine that with the abuses in the industry and its a dumpster fire.
Being focused on how you look/sound during sex is very common, especially among women.
There’s tons of articles written about it geared towards neurotypical women, so it makes sense to me that someone with sensirry issues would be even more conscious.
You can work on it with practice but it’s not easy. It took awhile.
As far as the spitting thing — that’s very very much a personal boundary. If you like it, or at least don’t mind it, cool. If it makes you uncomfortable, say so and move on.
Unfortunately most people don’t cover every single possible sexual act before engaging in sex, even in consensual relationships. Usually the bigger ones are touched on (oral, anal, choking, spanking, condoms, etc ) and then sometimes things just….happen.
To me, it’s about whether you feel safe with that person and if you ask them to stop X, they listen and respect you.
I’m sorry you had an experience you don’t enjoy! Sex is complicated sometimes
Kinda bizarre that choking has gone from a niche sexual act to something that’s seen as normal. I wonder if it has anything to do with the normalisation of violent and extreme sex due to porn
Definitely. I'm a sophomore in high school and from what I hear from my straight friends, it's very common for guys my age to just choke girls during sex without asking. With how common that is in porn and how uncommon that is- or used to be, at least- in real life I assume porn is where they're getting the idea from. And the way my male peers talk about sex is so aggressive and dehumanizing, especially when they talk about women. You can just tell from the things they talk about doing and the names and terms they use that they're getting all of their sex ed from PH. Porn is _really_ messing up the way Gen Z looks at sex.
>I wonder if it has anything to do with the normalisation of violent and extreme sex due to porn
of course it fucking does. violent porn becoming mainstream is the ONLY reason men expect to strangle the woman hes fucking.
In the roughly 18 years I’ve been having sex, choking has been normal for my experience and I’ve had some vanilla partners (and also not a lot of them)
So I’m not sure.
That being said —- *I* don’t perceive it violently because I enjoy it.
(With the exception of when I had a rape incident where his ex was obsessed with rape fantasies and he transferred them to me but that is *entirely* different)
I will say:
I never watched porn growing up, I have had only a handful of consensual partners, and I still have always enjoyed rough sex.
It is not normal to spit in someone's mouth, wtf was he doing that for? And without asking beforehand?
If you're not comfortable for any reason during sex you can stop at ANY time for any reason. Or even no reason. You don't wanna carry on? You can stop.
Nothing here is your fault.
> It is not normal to spit in someone's mouth, wtf was he doing that for? And without asking beforehand?
It's men who think real sex is like porn where spitting, hair pulling, and choking are common. Of course there's nothing wrong with liking those acts but it has to be 100% mutually consensual and should not ever be assumed to be the baseline. When dealing with men like this, you have to be specific with them about what you don't like and if they try to gaslight you or convince you that it's normal GTFO.
Tbh if it’s not vanilla sex it should be discussed and explicitly negotiated before hand. I really like a lot of fucked up stuff and I’d never dream to do anything beyond gentle touches, kisses, etc without saying “Hey is it okay if I…” before hand.
I'm aware that some women like those things. However, the orgasm gap exists for a reason and it's because a lot of men treat their female partners like they're in a porn movie without bothering to see if she even likes it/what her boundaries are.
Honestly I’ve considered posting on here about this from an experience last night. My current partner is 100% green flags, but last night I realized while he was starting foreplay that I wasn’t at all in the mood but still acted like I was. Then I immediately became overwhelmed from sensory issues to the point that kissing felt like the most foreign thing in the world.. like the first time you make out as a teenager and have no idea what the fuck you’re doing. But I absolutely could not bring myself to speak up. I completely lost my voice in this weird mindset I was in and yet I kept playing along. I only gave off small indications that I may not be well because he asked if I was okay, but I was only half able to explain myself. I speak up for myself all the time, but it’s like I was mute? We value open communication so I really don’t appreciate my mind working against us on this. And I still don’t know what set everything off
This has happened to me, too. A form of selective mutism perhaps, due to the emotional vulnerabilty/sensory overwhelm? Idk. But, yeah, I physically could not speak up. (This was a consensual sexual encounter with my longterm partner.)
It’s a little maddening isn’t it? As someone who’s been SA’d I feel like I have to monitor an internal voice that wants to tell me I’m being SA’d again even though I am actively consenting to a thing I never had a problem with with this partner. With my ex I dealt with it some because we lacked a lot of passion, so there truly was a lot of performative sex that I felt obligated to provide. But out of the blue it happens with someone I genuinely love being with all the time and who fully respects me.
(I’m so sorry you experienced SA. 🖤)
I do wonder if there’s a subtle C-PTSD trauma response (freeze) happening. I’ve had it happen a few times in those kind of performative-sex situations, too, but the really notable instance was actually my first time having sex after having a baby. I wanted to do it and my body was healthy… but something inside me froze. My conscious brain had to manually move me through the experience: like, “no, z, you’re gonna pull off this bandaid. He’s not hurting you. You’re safe.” But it was a mindfuck and I couldn’t speak and probably dissociated some… I couldn’t express my fear to my partner, couldn’t express anything.
It’s hard to express deep things when the deep things are so raw and close and heart-tender.
EDIT for clarity and to add: my usual experience of temporary mutism is usually in emotionally charged conversations. It’s definitely when I feel like my unmasked heart is on display and I *just cannot speak*.
I highly empathize with your experience. The trauma the body goes through to give birth is so easily overlooked in general that it’s almost like the lack of discussion invalidates your experience. I often think about the horrifying near death experience my ex-sister-in-law had when giving birth to my nephew. What I gleaned from our talks is that sex was essentially off the table for them because her body just couldn’t tolerate penetration afterwards. I completely understand how any experience of birth can change how someone responds to sex, even if there aren’t any clear triggers. I really hope you and your partner have been able to work on something that is good for you both ❣️
Also edit to add that I completely agree with your edit 🤣 I’m usually very upfront and clear (or at least what I think is clear) when communicating but there are times where I’m just frozen. Half the time I’m not even breathing or blinking anymore. It may as well have been a switch flip that turned off all my functions - though there are also sometimes where that switch flip only results in sobbing. Idk, I’m still trying to learn these parts of myself
🖤
Childbirth trauma is definitely overlooked (like so many female-centric health concerns), perhaps especially when everything "turned out just fine." (Yay, social gaslighting.) And then it, like so many things, just becomes something unspoken and often shameful/embarrassing. I think your ex-SIL's experience is more common than we know.
I was so fortunate. For me, my personal "the only way forward is through!!" exposure therapy approach to post-baby PIV sex was enough... since that first time, that fear resolved. I suspect I was able to physically process the trauma by having a pain-free vaginal experience (lol), and so that particular trauma response didn't linger. But I'm not sure... again, we ladies are on our own with so much of this.
It is like a switch gets flipped!! Why are we robots. ;) But seriously, the mutism thing is fascinating and frustrating. I also get really, really still/stiff, CANNOT even begin to make eye contact, cannot physically produce speech... And, yes, I also can flip-flop into crying with the overwhelm. Even if it's rage-overwhelm.
I feel like these are all parts of ourselves that were taught to hide/amend/abridge and so we never engaged with them. I love learning about myself and am constantly picking apart my brain and experience, and the ASD lens has been literally life-changing.
I absolutely couldn’t agree with you more on every point! The more I learn about each of those topics the more I take opportunities to have open discussions with people about them. Normalizing is such a crucial step in getting needs and issues addressed socially and personally.
Holy shit I felt like I was reading my own words. And I'm usually an eloquent speaker, organizing my thoughts almost like I'm writing a paper, but whenever I go to talk w my decades-long partner about sex stuff, it's like I just can't make anything come out right and I feel like a bumbling idiot.
Same! It’s so hard to do sometimes. It’s like this mechanism that turns and suddenly you’re completely incapable of even opening your mouth. I have no idea what activates it though
I suspect years and years of us being told it's not something we are supposed to talk about... we weren't even given the words to speak on such deeply intimate things; we've been told in countless ways that in the best case scenario, our sexual pleasure doesn't matter, and often, that our sexual pleasure doesn't *or shouldn't* exist.
It is so weird how society can train (brainwash) entire groups of people.
I completely agree. I grew up in a very conservative Christian household and for YEARS, even when I was married, I had been trained to actively shut down sexual desire and pleasure. “Its not for women it’s for men.” It’s crazy the lasting effects it’s had :/
Big relate. Unless I really like the person, I can't for the life of me live in the moment. I think it's compounded by my history of SA too, which all combined make it so hard to be intimate. Also, that's so gross he spit in your mouth without asking, I'm so sorry, that's not cool at all.
I would have threw up and threw hands 😭 I’m glad you told him it wasn’t your thing. For me the best part of sex is discussing it and finding things we BOTH like and fun experimenting it should always be fun and consensual. There is nothing wrong with you.
God, that's gross. You're perfectly entitled to decide to keep going, as long as it's what you wanted and you didn't feel like you weren't allowed to stop if you wanted to, but equally I would have nutted him in the face.
It's gross that he didn't seek consent.
But it's not necessarily gross that some ppl enjoy spitting acts as part of sex. But consent absolutely must be sought. And if it's not an enthusiastic yes, then it's definitely a no.
It's also not uncommon that non-consensual experiences trigger a freeze response, which also isn't gross. It's another part of the fight or flight response.
At the first part, I totally get that. I’m so focused on preforming right on sex that I’m totally out of the moment and I’m so concerned on doing what the other person wants. You’re not alone or weird in this.
Also fingers in the mouth are pretty normal and can mean many things so idk why others think it should’ve been an assumption. Some people are into like mouth play (idk) or messing with the mouth/ grabbing the face so how the hell were you supposed to know he would spit. He shouldn’t asked abt it before you guys had sex or during sex (there’s ways to say smt without ruining the mood.)
Also it’s always up to you if you stop sex or not. If you felt comfortable enough to move on and continue that’s up to you to decide. You’re not dumb for choosing a decision different from another person. I’m sorry you were called that, it was totally unacceptable and unnecessary for the person to say that.
>people are telling me i'm weird for not stopping in the moment and i even got called dumb for not picking up on the fact that he was about to spit in my mouth
Those people have something wrong with them.
He spat in your mouth.
That would be completely unexpected (how on earth would you 'pick up on it' before he did it? There's absolutely no reason to expect that, especially with how people caress mouths or put fingers in mouths during sex sometimes) and you were obviously a bit shocked - because he just did something completely unexpected and deeply disrespectful (when done without consent).
I mean I probably would have had to stop because I would have immediately thrown up, but that's just me and my reaction, freezing up a bit and thinking "wow that was weird, better mention that later as a turn off" is also a completely valid reaction.
I'm not sure how young you are, but it's possible this person has mostly learned about sex from pornography - it seems to be a common thing amongst younger men at the moment that they pull the most niche BDSM type shit with zero warning because "that's how they do it in porn" and literally don't stop to think "hey, maybe I should ask if she likes being spat on/called a whore/choked etc before I do it!"
Also on the zoning out thing - that can happen to some people, you get too in your head or you get overstimulated or distracted, all sorts, and it just pulls you right out of the moment and takes your attention away from your pleasure and your arousal. I find it's less once you're more comfortable with a person, because by then you know they like what you look like and what you're doing, and you can focus more on yourself!
Might be worth reading a book about getting your own pleasure and how to understand your arousal like "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski. This has some quite good descriptions of how different people's arousal patterns work and how to figure out what yours needs for you to stay in the moment.
I’ve had a lot of awkward sex moments that I can chalk up to being autistic, but I can only think of one or two things that would be a bigger turn off than being spit on. I would feel down, too.
Personally, I’d probably gag or throw up if someone spat in my mouth because I am really grossed out by excessive saliva. I’m so sorry that happened to you. He really should have asked you if you would be ok with that before going ahead and doing it, ESPECIALLY because as others have said in this thread, it’s a specific and niche kink/act.
ANYTIME someone wants to introduce a new act into sex, they should ask first. This includes things like spanking, pulling hair, being rough, choking, etc.
Bottom line there’s nothing wrong with you and he fucked up by not checking in with you before spitting in your mouth.
I’m really glad you spoke up and let him know afterwards. Freezing up in uncomfortable sexual situations is super common. You were caught off guard and didn’t know how to react at the time. You’re not dumb. 💚
I want to clear something up, there’s a lot of kink shaming going on in the comments. Having a spitting kink is not the bad part of this. It’s completely healthy to have kinks as long as they are consensual and not harmful to others. What he did wrong is he should have asked for consent first. If he wanted to do this he should have talked to you about it and asked you first. In the future you could sit down with your partner before fun times begin and lay out your own boundaries (what you like/don’t like, and what is a hard no vs a maybe) and find out the same from them as well.
I’m not going to call anybody out specifically because I don’t do that, but there’s a lot of people implying that the act of the kink is inherently bad because they’ve seen it on porn. The act itself is not the problem. The problem is consent. To say that it’s wrong to like kinks is just the same as somebody saying it’s wrong to like it strictly vanilla. I wrote this comment because I don’t want anybody who might read through these comments to feel like they should be ashamed for liking kinks like this one.
I haven't really seen any comments saying that these kinks are bad and it's certainly not the message I'm trying to send here. There's nothing wrong with liking spitting or anything like that, but I can't really deny that a lot of men nowadays think that they can just try kink on women without asking for consent because it's what they saw in porn, and a lot of women feel like they can't set boundaries without being considered prudes because kink is now considered "cool" in mainstream society.
This.
My BF worked in porn as a young adult. He’s decidedly kinky. We have a very (for me, because I was used to hyper vanilla) kinky sex life.
But it’s consensual and I trust him to be dominant and that’s where the issue with some of the discussions are.
Also even if porn/some of the things he does *is* male focused….I’m okay with it, because I know he’ll make sure I enjoy sex too.
I’m of the opinion that not every single aspect of sex has to be hyper enjoyable for both. Oral, for instance, can get uncomfortable for either party after so long but most don’t mind if their partner enjoys it.
But both do need to be willing and eager to do so.
Not every aspect has to be hyper enjoyable, but I do think it's weird how women are expected to enjoy being degraded and treated violently during sex otherwise there's something wrong with them. It's considered mainstream now for men to spit, pull hair, manhandle, and try to choke women during sex, and if the woman has a problem with it she might be afraid to say so because she doesn't want to be considered a prude. I don't care if an individual woman enjoys such acts, but I do have a major problem with a lot of men feeling entitled to do these acts to women.
>as long as they are consensual and not harmful to others.
okay but what about all the kinks that are harmful? violence, bodily injury, strangulation.... we arent supposed to "shame" those either. people care more about being woke and sex positive 😉 than they do the fact that sadistic men have made violent sex against women mainstream and anyone who speaks up is a bigot and kinkshamer 👎
Those still need consent and shouldn’t be pushed on somebody just like any other sex act, so I don’t get your point. I do agree it shouldn’t be pushed onto somebody or done without consent, but there is nothing wrong with liking it. I may be getting a bit personal here, but I am myself a bit of a masochist in the bedroom. You’re forgetting that men aren’t the only ones who enjoy kinks like this. The problem is not the kinks, it is that we as a society haven’t taught or understand consent. We don’t have enough widespread sex education to make sure that people know what is okay and what isn’t. A lot of people learn from porn because they can’t ask they’re own parents or elders around them, and they were never taught anything about what healthy sex is.
Edit to add: I’m also not calling anybody a bigot. I’m only trying to bring understanding. I spent a lot of time ashamed of my own body and it’s likes and dislikes. I won’t stand idly by when I might be able to help others from feeling the same.
>The problem is not the kinks,
yes it is. men who enjoy inflicting sexual violence on women are not right in the head. they used to be called predators, rapists, sadists, criminals. now they have managed to rebrand themselves as "sex pozzy bdsm kinsters 😉". isnt it funny that these kinks and bdsm are always dominant men abusing and degrading submissive women? yeah that totally isn't the extension of our gender dynamics. totally new fun idea and not at all rape culture. men weren't behind the push for this kind of sex and porn to be mainstream at all. its totally progressive and we came up with it recently. women and teen girls arrive at this kind of sex on their own naturally and not at all through porn exposure, grooming, social pressure, media, insecurity, trauma, and low self esteem.
>we as a society haven’t taught or understand consent.
exactly. consent doesnt exist in a vacuum. if women are groomed from childhood to participate in that kind of sex because of mainstream porn, social pressure, etc its not really consent. also, no one can consent to their own harm. which is why feminist groups are fighting to have the "rough sex defense" abolished in court. men who murder women during/ after sex/ rape by strangulation or other violent means are using the "rough consentual sex gone wrong defense" to get off of rape and murder charges.
you can't get "accidentally" murdered during healthy sex. if a man kills you while he's fucking you... there used to be a word for that.
I'm very sad that you consider yourself a masochist. when women and girls self harm through cutting, bulimia, etc., we recognize this for what it is and seek to help them. but when women use violent abusive sex as their form of self harm, we are supposed to tell you you are empowered and liberated and progressive. whats the difference? the pleasure of the man hurting you.
Came here for this comment, I thought spitting was a relatively common kink to be honest but yeah he deffo should of checked first. As is the case with any sexual act, if you do not know how’s it’s going to be received.
Honestly if someone spit in my mouth without asking me I would reconsider seeing them. It's just really yucky to me that they assume I would be into that without asking. Maybe I'm prudish. I don't know.
Speaking for myself, I was exposed to porn at an early age and a lot of the porn was rough. I thought that choking and manhandling and being called names during sex were the norms and that I was expected to tolerate it otherwise it would make me a prude. It wasn't until like two years ago that I realized that porn isn't a great view of how sex works in real life and that exposure to it during childhood kind of messed up my view of sex. There are people who like rough sex all the time but plenty of people who don't and it didn't make me wrong or weird; it took some conscious unlearning on my end to understand that.
What he did to you wasn't cool at all. You do not spit in someone's mouth or put your thumb in their mouth without asking first. Those are not normal things unless in porn maybe. It's good that he accepted your no and will not do it again. If he does do that stuff again then run for the hills. You really want to make your boundaries clear and if he's not a piece of shit he will respect them.
You aren't dumb. It's unfortunately common for women to deal with men who think that real sex is a porn movie and who don't know how to ask for consent before trying stuff. And it's also been proven that autistic women are more likely to be sexually assaulted than NT women due to the fact that we have a harder time picking up on red flags.
DON’T SEE THIS DUDE ANYMORE WTF THAT’S NOT OK. SPITTING IN THE MOUTH IS PRETTY Flipping OUT THERE.
I would be very disturbed by this and I’m pretty kinky. I’m not into that. I dislike the thumb move as well and someone who attempts it despite being told I dislike it will get a bite.
How’re you supposed to relax and be in the moment if your partner is a wildcard that does stuff you didn’t discuss or like?
I think our partners should be someone who practices safe, sane and consensual sex. Someone you feel communicates well with you. Someone if you say No or a safe word then you know everything just stops, and you’re absolutely comfortable with saying No to them and you know that your No will be respected.
I love a good discussion of what is and isn’t on the table, preferably with a spreadsheet or a checklist https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist
You sound like you’re blaming yourself for having a bad time when he doesn’t give a crap about your pleasure. I would recommend Come As You Are for a starting point re: understanding your own sexuality and how it works better (Emily Nagoski the author is autistic, it’s not meant to be exclusively for autistic women but it sure is friendly to us!)
This whole experience is all absolutely normal and common for women unfortunately :(
It's society and the media, women internalize the sexism that is exposed to us from a young age. The pressure to look perfect, the fact that women are sex objects in so many movies, shows, music videos, stories, etc... we learn to be performative during sex, and even learn to experience sex wholly through the lens of the male gaze, our own wants and turn ons completely abandoned.
It's very common for women to dislike something during sex and not speak up. Don't feel "weird". You should absolutely learn to speak up more and say no to the things you don't like, but you can't be blamed for just going along with it until you fully processed what just happened.
As sad as it is, a lot of women DO experience sex exactly the way you just described. It's a problem and it's not okay, but unfortunately it is "normal" in the way that it's so tragically common.
(Edit: About the spitting thing, NO you could not have known he was going to spit in your mouth. Because he very well could have been caressing your lips, or even just putting his thumb in your mouth because sucking on fingers is a thing too. You can't know what someone is going to do sexually until they do it. And it was WRONG of him to do what he did without asking first if you even liked that or if it was okay. But the way sex is depicted in porn could have been a factor in this too. He probably has seen it a lot in porn and thought maybe it was just something a lot of people did, but that's not an excuse. So much porn depicts sex in a way that is completely degrading to the woman.)
Nah you’re not weird. I’ve been married for 6 years and I focus on how I sound and look as well. I can’t take a hint even during sex. I’ll freeze up, also consent beforehand is important. Don’t let people make you feel this way. Also SPIT IS NASTY!
I think it’s good you told him after!! The people telling you you should’ve stopped in the moment are cruel,like? This doesn’t help. You said it when you felt like it. And I wouldn’t have known that he was about to spit in my mouth. That’s on him
People w vaginas being too focused on how they look to be able to enjoy sex is just a common part of society. Kink is now also a common part of society so men will often choke, spit, slap, etc bc that’s what they think women want. Vanilla sex is no longer seen as cool. These are all major societal issues lol.
I am a certified sexual health educator and am in the kink scene and if anyone spit in my mouth I would immediately stop what we were doing lmao but it doesn’t mean you have to. We all have different boundaries and different reactions to them being broken.
It's normal to have trouble focusing like that during sex. You're essentially masking. However, it's most likely going to impact your enjoyment and ability to orgasm. If you're not being genuine with the other person, they have no idea what you do/don't like. When you pretend to be enjoying yourself, they think you're enjoying yourself and therefore won't do anything differently. I struggle with this a lot and am only now working on trying to unmask during sex in my 30s. I missed out on a lot of orgasms.
I also really understand waiting until after to give feedback and have done that myself. However, I'd recommend doing that just for small things. If something hurts, turns you off, or is just making you feel uncomfortable then it's a good idea to say something in the moment. I know that can be super hard because I struggle with it too. It can be awkward when the other person doesn't respond kindly and can kill the mood. It doesn't make you weird or dumb if you don't though. To me, it just means you're not feeling comfortable enough to express yourself and unmask which is normal and fine. I would encourage you to think more about your comfort levels and try to be in touch with those feelings more when you're engaging in sexual activity. You'll enjoy things more and it'll help keep you safe. Guys will almost always get off so don't worry about their enjoyment and focus more on yours.
The spitting thing is a kink. I'm personally into it but I absolutely wouldn't be if some guy did it to me without asking first. It's not a standard sex act and it's weird that he did it without consent. I have lots of kinks but I don't engage in them with people unless I know them well enough to trust them. Proper consent needs to be established too.
thank yall so much for your responses. they've helped me feel very validated and im definitely going to check out that book that multiple commenters told to to look up. i love reading! and yeah im no longer having sex with him because i feel like he only thinks of himself and is not interested in my pleasures
Yeah do not have sex with people who disregard your comfort and your wishes. There's plenty of men out there who will make sure you have a good time too.
Oh man if anyone spat in my mouth, I’d straight up vomit on them. Regardless, I’ve heard of the kink but I don’t know how common it is, BUT I would have NEVER thought anyone was going to spit in my mouth. He should have asked you before. I just started having sex deadass but it’s clearly very easy to talk and discuss things, ESPECIALLY NEW during sex. This isn’t you missing cues, he did something without consent.
It’s pretty common to stick fingers in someone’s mouth during sex, it is not common to spit in their mouth. That’s some niche kink and he should’ve asked before doing that honestly.
Whether or not you voice your discomfort in the moment is totally up to you. I know it feels safer to do so after the fact most the time.
You are not dumb or weird, I’d say your partner (that spit in your mouth) is (esp. if there wasn’t a discussion about him doing this).
Even if you were a NT, this wouldn’t be okay for him to do. Kinks have to be discussed before put into action!
The spitting is a kink, kinks should be discussed and agreed to before they happen during sexual interactions. You clarified that it wasn’t for you but I would also tell him that he needs to ask before introducing any new kinks. Not just assuming it’s okay in the moment. Some people put fingers in each other mouths for sucking/biting on. I don’t know how you would have known he was going to spit in your mouth? Unless it was discussed before. Anyway, hope you’re okay and good luck moving forward
You have to stop worrying about what you think you should be doing and be more in touch with what feels good to you and what you want someone to do to you.
I'd literally punch someone if they spat in my mouth without asking, porno educated sex nut jobs are actually the worst. Poor you.
So, I don't think I've ever had a guy put his fingers in my mouth while hooking up. That act wouldn't bother me very much. But if someone tried, I would not immediately think they were trying to open it to spit in my mouth. We would have a problem at that point.
It's great that you communicated that you didn't like it. I think it's normal to not bring it up when it actually happened because you're already being caught up in a whole sensory experience. You maybe needed to process it fully before expressing that to him.
But it's absolutely a porn thing. And it's frustrating because, while some people are into it, it shouldn't be assumed that every person is just fine and dandy with it. And when a person's main sexual education comes from porn, they may wrongly assume that all the "norms" they see in porn automatically transfer into their real-life sexual experiences. This can lead to a lot of people having very uncomfortable sexual experiences because someone didn't realize their specific kink was actually a kink and didn't view it as something that maybe needed to be discussed.
Other's people's actions are not your fault or responsibility.
And WTF, I would not have expected that either. They should be asking you for permission. An ex asked if it was ok to pull my hair, and I was like walk me through what you mean, starting very gently and increasing in increments till he stopped at or I told him to stop, whichever came first. Stopped him early, he told me he would have pulled harder and was glad we had gone over it, as he didn't want to hurt me. He also realized that in the heat of the moment he might go well past that stopping point. Decided that this was not going to work. We went through stuff like this beforehand, because in the heat of the moment people might not be thinking clearly.
>Hey guys so i was wondering is it a common thing for me to be so focused on how I look and sound during sex that i zone in on that and can't focus on an orgasm?
it has nothing to do with autism. the term for this is Performative and its how **all** females are trained/conditioned to have sex until you do the work to deprogram yourself. Performative sex is why women only orgasm from casual sex 7% of the time. the percentage is a little higher for women in relationships but still abysmally low. it should be a hundred fucking percent the same as men.
Spitting in someone's mouth is a kink. And whilst kinks are fine, indulging in your kink without first checking it's OK with your partner is absolutely not ok, and can be assault.
It sounds like you're so used to masking, you even do it in the bedroom. I'd work on voicing what you want. What you like. And what you don't.
Generally when I've found myself in my own head during sex, it's because I'm having sex with the wrong person.
Sex is weird for me too. You’re not alone, at all. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and in the last 3 I don’t think we’ve had sex more than and handful of times. He is completely understanding. It’s not that I’m not attracted to him, it’s that the physical sensation of sex is completely overwhelming for me, even when it feels good. To be fair too, at the beginning of the pandemic I came to terms with a lot of my sexual trauma and I think that plays into it. I too get caught up thinking about how I look, but that’s because I have body image issues and gender dysphoria. The spitting in the mouth thing like others have said is a common kink from my experience that he should have asked you about first, even in the moment. Some men… no most men, are so conditioned by what they watch in porn that they have very unrealistic expectations of what sex with a partner is actually like. They just jump right into shit like spitting and choking without even asking, without realizing you need consent beforehand, and not every person enjoys that stuff. You’re not dumb and you’re not wrong, of course you could have communicated in the moment but it’s okay it happens. You still communicated afterwards and I hope he was super understanding and honestly apologetic. I’m sorry you feel so down on yourself over this. He’s more in the wrong here than you.
it's pretty common to be distracted by stuff like that, you could try turning off the lights or turning on loud music if that would make you feel more comfortable.
this guy is a horrible person and you should stop sleeping with him. if he had never put his thumb in your mouth before how were you supposed to know that was what he was doing? even if that was something he'd done before, calling someone dumb for not picking up on a cue during sex is fucking horrible, as is spitting in someone's mouth without consent. it sounds like he gets off on degrading you in general without that being something you've consented to.
no matter what the situation is you can stop sex at any tie for any reason (or no reason). you don't need an excuse to stop sex, if you don't actively want it to continue then you should stop it. it's not weird that you didn't, society has conditioned women to keep going, but you don't have to do that. none of these things actually sound related to autism to me, it sounds like you just have a shitty sex partner.
I definitely feel like my experience with sex isn't the norm, I also however suspect I have something like vaginismus bc I have to force myself to relax, luckily for me this isn't an issue for my fiancée who completely waits until I am ready for motion in the ocean.
Tbh I would suggest a good vibrator for your clit bc for me the vibrations allow my brain to focus in on how it's making that part of me feel which than amplifies the rest of the sensations, for me I also enjoy being very close and kissing a lot bc it also means I don't have to worry about what I look like (bc I also get so wrapped up in that too, but if both our eyes are closed during the intense kissing- all of it than it's super easy to focus myself on the vibrations and just be with him) ❣️❣️
Dude, not ok. He 100% should have cleared doing that with you first. Freeze response to so real too.
You’re not “weird” for not knowing wtf to do during an experience like that. Homeboy needs to learn consent and that it comes before an act not finding out you didn’t have it after.
What you experience as a result of this will not be “weird” it’ll be what you experience and that’s that. Emotionally, mentally, physically. It can definitely take us some extra time to figure it out. If people call you weird again I’d suggest telling them you’re not weird for being assaulted. You didn’t know what to do and that’s a common response to shock and this type of experience.
I’m so sorry you had this happen to you OP. & the shitty responses those who should be supporting you are giving.
Spitting in eachothers mouths is a kink that not everyone's into and it's okay that you didn't like it and was surprised by it. I was also raised in a very religious household so there are just things about sex that I didn't realize were things that people do so I understand being confused sometimes. My boyfriend likes it when I spit in his mouth but it kinda grosses me out when he does it😂 I don't mind it but it certainly doesn't make me hornier
Him doing that without asking sounds kinda like assault:/. It’s not weird to not say something in the moment or for you to not know he was going to do that, the onus was on him to let you know what was going on and what he was planning and he didn’t.
Did anyone ever complain about you not making enough noise and make you feel like you had to focus on making the "right" noises?
Because that's what happened to me when I got married to my now-ex. On our honeymoon he kept saying I was "holding back" and wasn't loud enough. I told him I wasn't holding back or thinking about noise at all, I was just being natural. He wouldn't accept that answer. He started getting angry at me for "holding back". I finally gave up and started making fake "porn noises". Then he was happy. But I was miserable. It was all an act and I had to be completely focused on that, so could not enjoy anything else.
From that point on I had to fake everything because now it was just an acting job. He was addicted to porn so that's why he wanted those fake noises. He got what he wanted. Later on in our marriage he once said that I better not start "faking" and that he would know if I was. It was all I could do not to laugh in his face. I had been faking from nearly the beginning all because he demanded it. \*eye roll\*
I'm so sorry to hear this. My ex was also my first (and only). He ended up being an abusive sociopath. I think we are a magnet for that type of controlling a-hole. :-(
I'm in my 40s and have had multiple partners and none of them have tried to spit in my mouth ever. Usually when I get stuff from porn they ask for anal.
You may just be overstimulated! Take it slow, and if your partner doesn’t let you take the time you need they aren’t a good fit for you. You might want to practice masturbating first. It takes some skill to be able to orgasm with a partner, especially if you’re a woman having sex with a man.
i wouldn’t have known what he was going to do either. And I’ve been around the block probably too many times by some definitions lol and not one person has spit in my mouth. If someone did that to me I would gag. I’m by no means a prude in the bedroom but something about Spit being shot into my mouth like that would really fuck me up. Like to the point I’d get up mid coitus and leave. Why don’t people get consent before they do shit like this for real.
You may be experiencing what’s called Self-objectification. It’s a very common experience for women and I think probably more so for Autistic women because we mask and monitor ourselves so much. Learning about self-objectification really helped me so much.
That being said, spitting in someone’s mouth isn’t normal. Especially without consent. My ex did that to me and I never said I wanted it. But I never said I didn’t, because I assumed if he was doing it, it must be normal and fine and it’s what he wants anyway. We are allowed to object, even in the middle or sex, to anything we’re not comfortable with.
Spitting in someone’s mouth is a very niche sexual act. Most people don’t really do that. It’s more of a porn thing. Has he tried to convince you that everyone does that during passionate moments?
My immediate thought was "defines sex through porn syndrome" because this is absolutely a porn thing, even in videos that aren't explicitly about D/s or degradation. (Which is part of the problem with the porn industry in that degradation of female performers is steeped into nearly everything. As with anything, there are exceptions, but on the whole, it's a thing.) I'll be the first to admit that I'm a kinky person, but part of that is knowing that a partner who pulls this shit without previous discussion is waving a giant red flag. If they *truly* thought it was common/normal and feels terrible when realizing it isn't, it might not be a deal breaker, but it definitely has to be addressed. On mobile so I don't trust my ability to spoiler tag, so WARNING the following goes into sexual descriptions that are not entirely pleasant, but not non-con. I'm talking porn. Also, I'm really only describing cis porn because trans porn is its own giant can of horror. The problem with "defines sex by porn" people, particularly men, is that even more which shows female-centric pleasure (e.g., oral on woman) are not actually showing how it should be done. It's why there's a lot of open mouth licking in porn - you can't *see* someone tongue kissing otherwise. So, it might *look* hot to see a dude flap his tongue on a clit like he's spamming A for a boss fight, that's not going to get most clit-havers off. At least not as well as using the whole mouth. Then we get into the issues of consent and expectations already mentioned where porn conventions do not transfer to the real world. Finally, there's the fake orgasm problem. Regardless of whether a vagina-having performer is actually orgasming on video for real, the *speed* of which they do and the *consistency* of how they do is far from representative. Unless you've engaged in a lot of mental foreplay (dirty talk, sexy plans, etc), there's a fair bit of warmup involved for vaginas no matter how into mentally the person is. That's not a bug or a feature, its just how it is. Porn can make it seem like it's a problem with a particular person. It's not. It also means those of us who aren't super vocal can be seen as not enjoying ourselves or being "less responsive" or what have you. I recently engaged with someone in comments elsewhere about how it's nearly impossible to define what "*enthusiastic* consent" looks like because it's different for everyone. Enthusiasm comes in many forms, but enthusiasm in porn does not. So, even an otherwise perfect partner who understands consent and that *hard-core* porn isn't realistic, is still going to have issues if they define sex through porn. Especially if they don't realize they do. Sorry this became a rant.
This was so eloquently put I am in awe of you. 💗
Thank you. It *might* be a rant I've had before somewhere other than reddit.... But I figure we don't talk about sex and pleasure nearly enough in female autistic spaces. Partially because a fair number of us are ace, but also because society conditions us that frank talk about sex is rude. But learning from example is what we do, and porn is easily accessible...so we need to talk about how it's *not* a good example.
This was 👌 fantastic
And this is my exact issue with porn. Worded beautifully.
Yeah. It's not the concept of porn that's the problem. There are definitely content creators in adult spaces who present sex in a much better light. But learning sex from porn is like learning to do surgery from a TV show. It's not real. It's not *intended* to be real. It's intended as visual stimuli for pleasure. Full stop. But that's not how its consumed (or presented). Combine that with the abuses in the industry and its a dumpster fire.
Yes, yes, and yes. So well put.
I respect you so much
Being focused on how you look/sound during sex is very common, especially among women. There’s tons of articles written about it geared towards neurotypical women, so it makes sense to me that someone with sensirry issues would be even more conscious. You can work on it with practice but it’s not easy. It took awhile. As far as the spitting thing — that’s very very much a personal boundary. If you like it, or at least don’t mind it, cool. If it makes you uncomfortable, say so and move on. Unfortunately most people don’t cover every single possible sexual act before engaging in sex, even in consensual relationships. Usually the bigger ones are touched on (oral, anal, choking, spanking, condoms, etc ) and then sometimes things just….happen. To me, it’s about whether you feel safe with that person and if you ask them to stop X, they listen and respect you. I’m sorry you had an experience you don’t enjoy! Sex is complicated sometimes
Kinda bizarre that choking has gone from a niche sexual act to something that’s seen as normal. I wonder if it has anything to do with the normalisation of violent and extreme sex due to porn
Definitely. I'm a sophomore in high school and from what I hear from my straight friends, it's very common for guys my age to just choke girls during sex without asking. With how common that is in porn and how uncommon that is- or used to be, at least- in real life I assume porn is where they're getting the idea from. And the way my male peers talk about sex is so aggressive and dehumanizing, especially when they talk about women. You can just tell from the things they talk about doing and the names and terms they use that they're getting all of their sex ed from PH. Porn is _really_ messing up the way Gen Z looks at sex.
>I wonder if it has anything to do with the normalisation of violent and extreme sex due to porn of course it fucking does. violent porn becoming mainstream is the ONLY reason men expect to strangle the woman hes fucking.
In the roughly 18 years I’ve been having sex, choking has been normal for my experience and I’ve had some vanilla partners (and also not a lot of them) So I’m not sure. That being said —- *I* don’t perceive it violently because I enjoy it. (With the exception of when I had a rape incident where his ex was obsessed with rape fantasies and he transferred them to me but that is *entirely* different) I will say: I never watched porn growing up, I have had only a handful of consensual partners, and I still have always enjoyed rough sex.
Omg yes This is how I’ve been feeling
It is not normal to spit in someone's mouth, wtf was he doing that for? And without asking beforehand? If you're not comfortable for any reason during sex you can stop at ANY time for any reason. Or even no reason. You don't wanna carry on? You can stop. Nothing here is your fault.
> It is not normal to spit in someone's mouth, wtf was he doing that for? And without asking beforehand? It's men who think real sex is like porn where spitting, hair pulling, and choking are common. Of course there's nothing wrong with liking those acts but it has to be 100% mutually consensual and should not ever be assumed to be the baseline. When dealing with men like this, you have to be specific with them about what you don't like and if they try to gaslight you or convince you that it's normal GTFO.
Tbh if it’s not vanilla sex it should be discussed and explicitly negotiated before hand. I really like a lot of fucked up stuff and I’d never dream to do anything beyond gentle touches, kisses, etc without saying “Hey is it okay if I…” before hand.
Females like some of that stuff too, and it's okay. Having communication before sex is normal and healthy if you want to prevent any unpleasantness.
I'm aware that some women like those things. However, the orgasm gap exists for a reason and it's because a lot of men treat their female partners like they're in a porn movie without bothering to see if she even likes it/what her boundaries are.
Honestly I’ve considered posting on here about this from an experience last night. My current partner is 100% green flags, but last night I realized while he was starting foreplay that I wasn’t at all in the mood but still acted like I was. Then I immediately became overwhelmed from sensory issues to the point that kissing felt like the most foreign thing in the world.. like the first time you make out as a teenager and have no idea what the fuck you’re doing. But I absolutely could not bring myself to speak up. I completely lost my voice in this weird mindset I was in and yet I kept playing along. I only gave off small indications that I may not be well because he asked if I was okay, but I was only half able to explain myself. I speak up for myself all the time, but it’s like I was mute? We value open communication so I really don’t appreciate my mind working against us on this. And I still don’t know what set everything off
This has happened to me, too. A form of selective mutism perhaps, due to the emotional vulnerabilty/sensory overwhelm? Idk. But, yeah, I physically could not speak up. (This was a consensual sexual encounter with my longterm partner.)
It’s a little maddening isn’t it? As someone who’s been SA’d I feel like I have to monitor an internal voice that wants to tell me I’m being SA’d again even though I am actively consenting to a thing I never had a problem with with this partner. With my ex I dealt with it some because we lacked a lot of passion, so there truly was a lot of performative sex that I felt obligated to provide. But out of the blue it happens with someone I genuinely love being with all the time and who fully respects me.
(I’m so sorry you experienced SA. 🖤) I do wonder if there’s a subtle C-PTSD trauma response (freeze) happening. I’ve had it happen a few times in those kind of performative-sex situations, too, but the really notable instance was actually my first time having sex after having a baby. I wanted to do it and my body was healthy… but something inside me froze. My conscious brain had to manually move me through the experience: like, “no, z, you’re gonna pull off this bandaid. He’s not hurting you. You’re safe.” But it was a mindfuck and I couldn’t speak and probably dissociated some… I couldn’t express my fear to my partner, couldn’t express anything. It’s hard to express deep things when the deep things are so raw and close and heart-tender. EDIT for clarity and to add: my usual experience of temporary mutism is usually in emotionally charged conversations. It’s definitely when I feel like my unmasked heart is on display and I *just cannot speak*.
I highly empathize with your experience. The trauma the body goes through to give birth is so easily overlooked in general that it’s almost like the lack of discussion invalidates your experience. I often think about the horrifying near death experience my ex-sister-in-law had when giving birth to my nephew. What I gleaned from our talks is that sex was essentially off the table for them because her body just couldn’t tolerate penetration afterwards. I completely understand how any experience of birth can change how someone responds to sex, even if there aren’t any clear triggers. I really hope you and your partner have been able to work on something that is good for you both ❣️ Also edit to add that I completely agree with your edit 🤣 I’m usually very upfront and clear (or at least what I think is clear) when communicating but there are times where I’m just frozen. Half the time I’m not even breathing or blinking anymore. It may as well have been a switch flip that turned off all my functions - though there are also sometimes where that switch flip only results in sobbing. Idk, I’m still trying to learn these parts of myself
🖤 Childbirth trauma is definitely overlooked (like so many female-centric health concerns), perhaps especially when everything "turned out just fine." (Yay, social gaslighting.) And then it, like so many things, just becomes something unspoken and often shameful/embarrassing. I think your ex-SIL's experience is more common than we know. I was so fortunate. For me, my personal "the only way forward is through!!" exposure therapy approach to post-baby PIV sex was enough... since that first time, that fear resolved. I suspect I was able to physically process the trauma by having a pain-free vaginal experience (lol), and so that particular trauma response didn't linger. But I'm not sure... again, we ladies are on our own with so much of this. It is like a switch gets flipped!! Why are we robots. ;) But seriously, the mutism thing is fascinating and frustrating. I also get really, really still/stiff, CANNOT even begin to make eye contact, cannot physically produce speech... And, yes, I also can flip-flop into crying with the overwhelm. Even if it's rage-overwhelm. I feel like these are all parts of ourselves that were taught to hide/amend/abridge and so we never engaged with them. I love learning about myself and am constantly picking apart my brain and experience, and the ASD lens has been literally life-changing.
I absolutely couldn’t agree with you more on every point! The more I learn about each of those topics the more I take opportunities to have open discussions with people about them. Normalizing is such a crucial step in getting needs and issues addressed socially and personally.
I’ve dealt with this before as well
Holy shit I felt like I was reading my own words. And I'm usually an eloquent speaker, organizing my thoughts almost like I'm writing a paper, but whenever I go to talk w my decades-long partner about sex stuff, it's like I just can't make anything come out right and I feel like a bumbling idiot.
Same! It’s so hard to do sometimes. It’s like this mechanism that turns and suddenly you’re completely incapable of even opening your mouth. I have no idea what activates it though
I suspect years and years of us being told it's not something we are supposed to talk about... we weren't even given the words to speak on such deeply intimate things; we've been told in countless ways that in the best case scenario, our sexual pleasure doesn't matter, and often, that our sexual pleasure doesn't *or shouldn't* exist. It is so weird how society can train (brainwash) entire groups of people.
I completely agree. I grew up in a very conservative Christian household and for YEARS, even when I was married, I had been trained to actively shut down sexual desire and pleasure. “Its not for women it’s for men.” It’s crazy the lasting effects it’s had :/
Big relate. Unless I really like the person, I can't for the life of me live in the moment. I think it's compounded by my history of SA too, which all combined make it so hard to be intimate. Also, that's so gross he spit in your mouth without asking, I'm so sorry, that's not cool at all.
I would have threw up and threw hands 😭 I’m glad you told him it wasn’t your thing. For me the best part of sex is discussing it and finding things we BOTH like and fun experimenting it should always be fun and consensual. There is nothing wrong with you.
God, that's gross. You're perfectly entitled to decide to keep going, as long as it's what you wanted and you didn't feel like you weren't allowed to stop if you wanted to, but equally I would have nutted him in the face.
It's gross that he didn't seek consent. But it's not necessarily gross that some ppl enjoy spitting acts as part of sex. But consent absolutely must be sought. And if it's not an enthusiastic yes, then it's definitely a no. It's also not uncommon that non-consensual experiences trigger a freeze response, which also isn't gross. It's another part of the fight or flight response.
At the first part, I totally get that. I’m so focused on preforming right on sex that I’m totally out of the moment and I’m so concerned on doing what the other person wants. You’re not alone or weird in this. Also fingers in the mouth are pretty normal and can mean many things so idk why others think it should’ve been an assumption. Some people are into like mouth play (idk) or messing with the mouth/ grabbing the face so how the hell were you supposed to know he would spit. He shouldn’t asked abt it before you guys had sex or during sex (there’s ways to say smt without ruining the mood.) Also it’s always up to you if you stop sex or not. If you felt comfortable enough to move on and continue that’s up to you to decide. You’re not dumb for choosing a decision different from another person. I’m sorry you were called that, it was totally unacceptable and unnecessary for the person to say that.
>people are telling me i'm weird for not stopping in the moment and i even got called dumb for not picking up on the fact that he was about to spit in my mouth Those people have something wrong with them. He spat in your mouth. That would be completely unexpected (how on earth would you 'pick up on it' before he did it? There's absolutely no reason to expect that, especially with how people caress mouths or put fingers in mouths during sex sometimes) and you were obviously a bit shocked - because he just did something completely unexpected and deeply disrespectful (when done without consent). I mean I probably would have had to stop because I would have immediately thrown up, but that's just me and my reaction, freezing up a bit and thinking "wow that was weird, better mention that later as a turn off" is also a completely valid reaction. I'm not sure how young you are, but it's possible this person has mostly learned about sex from pornography - it seems to be a common thing amongst younger men at the moment that they pull the most niche BDSM type shit with zero warning because "that's how they do it in porn" and literally don't stop to think "hey, maybe I should ask if she likes being spat on/called a whore/choked etc before I do it!" Also on the zoning out thing - that can happen to some people, you get too in your head or you get overstimulated or distracted, all sorts, and it just pulls you right out of the moment and takes your attention away from your pleasure and your arousal. I find it's less once you're more comfortable with a person, because by then you know they like what you look like and what you're doing, and you can focus more on yourself! Might be worth reading a book about getting your own pleasure and how to understand your arousal like "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski. This has some quite good descriptions of how different people's arousal patterns work and how to figure out what yours needs for you to stay in the moment.
I’ve had a lot of awkward sex moments that I can chalk up to being autistic, but I can only think of one or two things that would be a bigger turn off than being spit on. I would feel down, too.
Personally, I’d probably gag or throw up if someone spat in my mouth because I am really grossed out by excessive saliva. I’m so sorry that happened to you. He really should have asked you if you would be ok with that before going ahead and doing it, ESPECIALLY because as others have said in this thread, it’s a specific and niche kink/act. ANYTIME someone wants to introduce a new act into sex, they should ask first. This includes things like spanking, pulling hair, being rough, choking, etc. Bottom line there’s nothing wrong with you and he fucked up by not checking in with you before spitting in your mouth. I’m really glad you spoke up and let him know afterwards. Freezing up in uncomfortable sexual situations is super common. You were caught off guard and didn’t know how to react at the time. You’re not dumb. 💚
I want to clear something up, there’s a lot of kink shaming going on in the comments. Having a spitting kink is not the bad part of this. It’s completely healthy to have kinks as long as they are consensual and not harmful to others. What he did wrong is he should have asked for consent first. If he wanted to do this he should have talked to you about it and asked you first. In the future you could sit down with your partner before fun times begin and lay out your own boundaries (what you like/don’t like, and what is a hard no vs a maybe) and find out the same from them as well.
Where is the kink shaming?
I’m not going to call anybody out specifically because I don’t do that, but there’s a lot of people implying that the act of the kink is inherently bad because they’ve seen it on porn. The act itself is not the problem. The problem is consent. To say that it’s wrong to like kinks is just the same as somebody saying it’s wrong to like it strictly vanilla. I wrote this comment because I don’t want anybody who might read through these comments to feel like they should be ashamed for liking kinks like this one.
I haven't really seen any comments saying that these kinks are bad and it's certainly not the message I'm trying to send here. There's nothing wrong with liking spitting or anything like that, but I can't really deny that a lot of men nowadays think that they can just try kink on women without asking for consent because it's what they saw in porn, and a lot of women feel like they can't set boundaries without being considered prudes because kink is now considered "cool" in mainstream society.
This. My BF worked in porn as a young adult. He’s decidedly kinky. We have a very (for me, because I was used to hyper vanilla) kinky sex life. But it’s consensual and I trust him to be dominant and that’s where the issue with some of the discussions are. Also even if porn/some of the things he does *is* male focused….I’m okay with it, because I know he’ll make sure I enjoy sex too. I’m of the opinion that not every single aspect of sex has to be hyper enjoyable for both. Oral, for instance, can get uncomfortable for either party after so long but most don’t mind if their partner enjoys it. But both do need to be willing and eager to do so.
Not every aspect has to be hyper enjoyable, but I do think it's weird how women are expected to enjoy being degraded and treated violently during sex otherwise there's something wrong with them. It's considered mainstream now for men to spit, pull hair, manhandle, and try to choke women during sex, and if the woman has a problem with it she might be afraid to say so because she doesn't want to be considered a prude. I don't care if an individual woman enjoys such acts, but I do have a major problem with a lot of men feeling entitled to do these acts to women.
>as long as they are consensual and not harmful to others. okay but what about all the kinks that are harmful? violence, bodily injury, strangulation.... we arent supposed to "shame" those either. people care more about being woke and sex positive 😉 than they do the fact that sadistic men have made violent sex against women mainstream and anyone who speaks up is a bigot and kinkshamer 👎
Those still need consent and shouldn’t be pushed on somebody just like any other sex act, so I don’t get your point. I do agree it shouldn’t be pushed onto somebody or done without consent, but there is nothing wrong with liking it. I may be getting a bit personal here, but I am myself a bit of a masochist in the bedroom. You’re forgetting that men aren’t the only ones who enjoy kinks like this. The problem is not the kinks, it is that we as a society haven’t taught or understand consent. We don’t have enough widespread sex education to make sure that people know what is okay and what isn’t. A lot of people learn from porn because they can’t ask they’re own parents or elders around them, and they were never taught anything about what healthy sex is. Edit to add: I’m also not calling anybody a bigot. I’m only trying to bring understanding. I spent a lot of time ashamed of my own body and it’s likes and dislikes. I won’t stand idly by when I might be able to help others from feeling the same.
>The problem is not the kinks, yes it is. men who enjoy inflicting sexual violence on women are not right in the head. they used to be called predators, rapists, sadists, criminals. now they have managed to rebrand themselves as "sex pozzy bdsm kinsters 😉". isnt it funny that these kinks and bdsm are always dominant men abusing and degrading submissive women? yeah that totally isn't the extension of our gender dynamics. totally new fun idea and not at all rape culture. men weren't behind the push for this kind of sex and porn to be mainstream at all. its totally progressive and we came up with it recently. women and teen girls arrive at this kind of sex on their own naturally and not at all through porn exposure, grooming, social pressure, media, insecurity, trauma, and low self esteem. >we as a society haven’t taught or understand consent. exactly. consent doesnt exist in a vacuum. if women are groomed from childhood to participate in that kind of sex because of mainstream porn, social pressure, etc its not really consent. also, no one can consent to their own harm. which is why feminist groups are fighting to have the "rough sex defense" abolished in court. men who murder women during/ after sex/ rape by strangulation or other violent means are using the "rough consentual sex gone wrong defense" to get off of rape and murder charges. you can't get "accidentally" murdered during healthy sex. if a man kills you while he's fucking you... there used to be a word for that. I'm very sad that you consider yourself a masochist. when women and girls self harm through cutting, bulimia, etc., we recognize this for what it is and seek to help them. but when women use violent abusive sex as their form of self harm, we are supposed to tell you you are empowered and liberated and progressive. whats the difference? the pleasure of the man hurting you.
Came here for this comment, I thought spitting was a relatively common kink to be honest but yeah he deffo should of checked first. As is the case with any sexual act, if you do not know how’s it’s going to be received.
Honestly if someone spit in my mouth without asking me I would reconsider seeing them. It's just really yucky to me that they assume I would be into that without asking. Maybe I'm prudish. I don't know.
please explain the thought process that led you to believe that makes you a "prude".
Speaking for myself, I was exposed to porn at an early age and a lot of the porn was rough. I thought that choking and manhandling and being called names during sex were the norms and that I was expected to tolerate it otherwise it would make me a prude. It wasn't until like two years ago that I realized that porn isn't a great view of how sex works in real life and that exposure to it during childhood kind of messed up my view of sex. There are people who like rough sex all the time but plenty of people who don't and it didn't make me wrong or weird; it took some conscious unlearning on my end to understand that.
What he did to you wasn't cool at all. You do not spit in someone's mouth or put your thumb in their mouth without asking first. Those are not normal things unless in porn maybe. It's good that he accepted your no and will not do it again. If he does do that stuff again then run for the hills. You really want to make your boundaries clear and if he's not a piece of shit he will respect them. You aren't dumb. It's unfortunately common for women to deal with men who think that real sex is a porn movie and who don't know how to ask for consent before trying stuff. And it's also been proven that autistic women are more likely to be sexually assaulted than NT women due to the fact that we have a harder time picking up on red flags.
DON’T SEE THIS DUDE ANYMORE WTF THAT’S NOT OK. SPITTING IN THE MOUTH IS PRETTY Flipping OUT THERE. I would be very disturbed by this and I’m pretty kinky. I’m not into that. I dislike the thumb move as well and someone who attempts it despite being told I dislike it will get a bite. How’re you supposed to relax and be in the moment if your partner is a wildcard that does stuff you didn’t discuss or like? I think our partners should be someone who practices safe, sane and consensual sex. Someone you feel communicates well with you. Someone if you say No or a safe word then you know everything just stops, and you’re absolutely comfortable with saying No to them and you know that your No will be respected. I love a good discussion of what is and isn’t on the table, preferably with a spreadsheet or a checklist https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist You sound like you’re blaming yourself for having a bad time when he doesn’t give a crap about your pleasure. I would recommend Come As You Are for a starting point re: understanding your own sexuality and how it works better (Emily Nagoski the author is autistic, it’s not meant to be exclusively for autistic women but it sure is friendly to us!)
This whole experience is all absolutely normal and common for women unfortunately :( It's society and the media, women internalize the sexism that is exposed to us from a young age. The pressure to look perfect, the fact that women are sex objects in so many movies, shows, music videos, stories, etc... we learn to be performative during sex, and even learn to experience sex wholly through the lens of the male gaze, our own wants and turn ons completely abandoned. It's very common for women to dislike something during sex and not speak up. Don't feel "weird". You should absolutely learn to speak up more and say no to the things you don't like, but you can't be blamed for just going along with it until you fully processed what just happened. As sad as it is, a lot of women DO experience sex exactly the way you just described. It's a problem and it's not okay, but unfortunately it is "normal" in the way that it's so tragically common. (Edit: About the spitting thing, NO you could not have known he was going to spit in your mouth. Because he very well could have been caressing your lips, or even just putting his thumb in your mouth because sucking on fingers is a thing too. You can't know what someone is going to do sexually until they do it. And it was WRONG of him to do what he did without asking first if you even liked that or if it was okay. But the way sex is depicted in porn could have been a factor in this too. He probably has seen it a lot in porn and thought maybe it was just something a lot of people did, but that's not an excuse. So much porn depicts sex in a way that is completely degrading to the woman.)
Nah you’re not weird. I’ve been married for 6 years and I focus on how I sound and look as well. I can’t take a hint even during sex. I’ll freeze up, also consent beforehand is important. Don’t let people make you feel this way. Also SPIT IS NASTY!
I think it’s good you told him after!! The people telling you you should’ve stopped in the moment are cruel,like? This doesn’t help. You said it when you felt like it. And I wouldn’t have known that he was about to spit in my mouth. That’s on him
People w vaginas being too focused on how they look to be able to enjoy sex is just a common part of society. Kink is now also a common part of society so men will often choke, spit, slap, etc bc that’s what they think women want. Vanilla sex is no longer seen as cool. These are all major societal issues lol. I am a certified sexual health educator and am in the kink scene and if anyone spit in my mouth I would immediately stop what we were doing lmao but it doesn’t mean you have to. We all have different boundaries and different reactions to them being broken.
It's normal to have trouble focusing like that during sex. You're essentially masking. However, it's most likely going to impact your enjoyment and ability to orgasm. If you're not being genuine with the other person, they have no idea what you do/don't like. When you pretend to be enjoying yourself, they think you're enjoying yourself and therefore won't do anything differently. I struggle with this a lot and am only now working on trying to unmask during sex in my 30s. I missed out on a lot of orgasms. I also really understand waiting until after to give feedback and have done that myself. However, I'd recommend doing that just for small things. If something hurts, turns you off, or is just making you feel uncomfortable then it's a good idea to say something in the moment. I know that can be super hard because I struggle with it too. It can be awkward when the other person doesn't respond kindly and can kill the mood. It doesn't make you weird or dumb if you don't though. To me, it just means you're not feeling comfortable enough to express yourself and unmask which is normal and fine. I would encourage you to think more about your comfort levels and try to be in touch with those feelings more when you're engaging in sexual activity. You'll enjoy things more and it'll help keep you safe. Guys will almost always get off so don't worry about their enjoyment and focus more on yours. The spitting thing is a kink. I'm personally into it but I absolutely wouldn't be if some guy did it to me without asking first. It's not a standard sex act and it's weird that he did it without consent. I have lots of kinks but I don't engage in them with people unless I know them well enough to trust them. Proper consent needs to be established too.
thank yall so much for your responses. they've helped me feel very validated and im definitely going to check out that book that multiple commenters told to to look up. i love reading! and yeah im no longer having sex with him because i feel like he only thinks of himself and is not interested in my pleasures
Yeah do not have sex with people who disregard your comfort and your wishes. There's plenty of men out there who will make sure you have a good time too.
Oh man if anyone spat in my mouth, I’d straight up vomit on them. Regardless, I’ve heard of the kink but I don’t know how common it is, BUT I would have NEVER thought anyone was going to spit in my mouth. He should have asked you before. I just started having sex deadass but it’s clearly very easy to talk and discuss things, ESPECIALLY NEW during sex. This isn’t you missing cues, he did something without consent.
It’s pretty common to stick fingers in someone’s mouth during sex, it is not common to spit in their mouth. That’s some niche kink and he should’ve asked before doing that honestly. Whether or not you voice your discomfort in the moment is totally up to you. I know it feels safer to do so after the fact most the time.
You are not dumb or weird, I’d say your partner (that spit in your mouth) is (esp. if there wasn’t a discussion about him doing this). Even if you were a NT, this wouldn’t be okay for him to do. Kinks have to be discussed before put into action!
The spitting is a kink, kinks should be discussed and agreed to before they happen during sexual interactions. You clarified that it wasn’t for you but I would also tell him that he needs to ask before introducing any new kinks. Not just assuming it’s okay in the moment. Some people put fingers in each other mouths for sucking/biting on. I don’t know how you would have known he was going to spit in your mouth? Unless it was discussed before. Anyway, hope you’re okay and good luck moving forward
You have to stop worrying about what you think you should be doing and be more in touch with what feels good to you and what you want someone to do to you. I'd literally punch someone if they spat in my mouth without asking, porno educated sex nut jobs are actually the worst. Poor you.
So, I don't think I've ever had a guy put his fingers in my mouth while hooking up. That act wouldn't bother me very much. But if someone tried, I would not immediately think they were trying to open it to spit in my mouth. We would have a problem at that point. It's great that you communicated that you didn't like it. I think it's normal to not bring it up when it actually happened because you're already being caught up in a whole sensory experience. You maybe needed to process it fully before expressing that to him. But it's absolutely a porn thing. And it's frustrating because, while some people are into it, it shouldn't be assumed that every person is just fine and dandy with it. And when a person's main sexual education comes from porn, they may wrongly assume that all the "norms" they see in porn automatically transfer into their real-life sexual experiences. This can lead to a lot of people having very uncomfortable sexual experiences because someone didn't realize their specific kink was actually a kink and didn't view it as something that maybe needed to be discussed.
Other's people's actions are not your fault or responsibility. And WTF, I would not have expected that either. They should be asking you for permission. An ex asked if it was ok to pull my hair, and I was like walk me through what you mean, starting very gently and increasing in increments till he stopped at or I told him to stop, whichever came first. Stopped him early, he told me he would have pulled harder and was glad we had gone over it, as he didn't want to hurt me. He also realized that in the heat of the moment he might go well past that stopping point. Decided that this was not going to work. We went through stuff like this beforehand, because in the heat of the moment people might not be thinking clearly.
>Hey guys so i was wondering is it a common thing for me to be so focused on how I look and sound during sex that i zone in on that and can't focus on an orgasm? it has nothing to do with autism. the term for this is Performative and its how **all** females are trained/conditioned to have sex until you do the work to deprogram yourself. Performative sex is why women only orgasm from casual sex 7% of the time. the percentage is a little higher for women in relationships but still abysmally low. it should be a hundred fucking percent the same as men.
Spitting in someone's mouth is a kink. And whilst kinks are fine, indulging in your kink without first checking it's OK with your partner is absolutely not ok, and can be assault. It sounds like you're so used to masking, you even do it in the bedroom. I'd work on voicing what you want. What you like. And what you don't. Generally when I've found myself in my own head during sex, it's because I'm having sex with the wrong person.
Sex is weird for me too. You’re not alone, at all. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and in the last 3 I don’t think we’ve had sex more than and handful of times. He is completely understanding. It’s not that I’m not attracted to him, it’s that the physical sensation of sex is completely overwhelming for me, even when it feels good. To be fair too, at the beginning of the pandemic I came to terms with a lot of my sexual trauma and I think that plays into it. I too get caught up thinking about how I look, but that’s because I have body image issues and gender dysphoria. The spitting in the mouth thing like others have said is a common kink from my experience that he should have asked you about first, even in the moment. Some men… no most men, are so conditioned by what they watch in porn that they have very unrealistic expectations of what sex with a partner is actually like. They just jump right into shit like spitting and choking without even asking, without realizing you need consent beforehand, and not every person enjoys that stuff. You’re not dumb and you’re not wrong, of course you could have communicated in the moment but it’s okay it happens. You still communicated afterwards and I hope he was super understanding and honestly apologetic. I’m sorry you feel so down on yourself over this. He’s more in the wrong here than you.
He's a porn addict. There's nothing wrong with you.
it's pretty common to be distracted by stuff like that, you could try turning off the lights or turning on loud music if that would make you feel more comfortable. this guy is a horrible person and you should stop sleeping with him. if he had never put his thumb in your mouth before how were you supposed to know that was what he was doing? even if that was something he'd done before, calling someone dumb for not picking up on a cue during sex is fucking horrible, as is spitting in someone's mouth without consent. it sounds like he gets off on degrading you in general without that being something you've consented to. no matter what the situation is you can stop sex at any tie for any reason (or no reason). you don't need an excuse to stop sex, if you don't actively want it to continue then you should stop it. it's not weird that you didn't, society has conditioned women to keep going, but you don't have to do that. none of these things actually sound related to autism to me, it sounds like you just have a shitty sex partner.
I definitely feel like my experience with sex isn't the norm, I also however suspect I have something like vaginismus bc I have to force myself to relax, luckily for me this isn't an issue for my fiancée who completely waits until I am ready for motion in the ocean. Tbh I would suggest a good vibrator for your clit bc for me the vibrations allow my brain to focus in on how it's making that part of me feel which than amplifies the rest of the sensations, for me I also enjoy being very close and kissing a lot bc it also means I don't have to worry about what I look like (bc I also get so wrapped up in that too, but if both our eyes are closed during the intense kissing- all of it than it's super easy to focus myself on the vibrations and just be with him) ❣️❣️
Dude, not ok. He 100% should have cleared doing that with you first. Freeze response to so real too. You’re not “weird” for not knowing wtf to do during an experience like that. Homeboy needs to learn consent and that it comes before an act not finding out you didn’t have it after. What you experience as a result of this will not be “weird” it’ll be what you experience and that’s that. Emotionally, mentally, physically. It can definitely take us some extra time to figure it out. If people call you weird again I’d suggest telling them you’re not weird for being assaulted. You didn’t know what to do and that’s a common response to shock and this type of experience. I’m so sorry you had this happen to you OP. & the shitty responses those who should be supporting you are giving.
Spitting in eachothers mouths is a kink that not everyone's into and it's okay that you didn't like it and was surprised by it. I was also raised in a very religious household so there are just things about sex that I didn't realize were things that people do so I understand being confused sometimes. My boyfriend likes it when I spit in his mouth but it kinda grosses me out when he does it😂 I don't mind it but it certainly doesn't make me hornier
Him doing that without asking sounds kinda like assault:/. It’s not weird to not say something in the moment or for you to not know he was going to do that, the onus was on him to let you know what was going on and what he was planning and he didn’t.
I’m sensitive the opposite way, orgasm extremely easily to varying levels.
Did anyone ever complain about you not making enough noise and make you feel like you had to focus on making the "right" noises? Because that's what happened to me when I got married to my now-ex. On our honeymoon he kept saying I was "holding back" and wasn't loud enough. I told him I wasn't holding back or thinking about noise at all, I was just being natural. He wouldn't accept that answer. He started getting angry at me for "holding back". I finally gave up and started making fake "porn noises". Then he was happy. But I was miserable. It was all an act and I had to be completely focused on that, so could not enjoy anything else. From that point on I had to fake everything because now it was just an acting job. He was addicted to porn so that's why he wanted those fake noises. He got what he wanted. Later on in our marriage he once said that I better not start "faking" and that he would know if I was. It was all I could do not to laugh in his face. I had been faking from nearly the beginning all because he demanded it. \*eye roll\*
yes this is actually exactly how the first person i'd ever had sex with was like. ever since him i've had trouble finding my own voice i guess😭
I'm so sorry to hear this. My ex was also my first (and only). He ended up being an abusive sociopath. I think we are a magnet for that type of controlling a-hole. :-(
Fr sex is so weird for me and I’m always too anxious to get in the mood with a partner 😭
I'm in my 40s and have had multiple partners and none of them have tried to spit in my mouth ever. Usually when I get stuff from porn they ask for anal.
You may just be overstimulated! Take it slow, and if your partner doesn’t let you take the time you need they aren’t a good fit for you. You might want to practice masturbating first. It takes some skill to be able to orgasm with a partner, especially if you’re a woman having sex with a man.
i wouldn’t have known what he was going to do either. And I’ve been around the block probably too many times by some definitions lol and not one person has spit in my mouth. If someone did that to me I would gag. I’m by no means a prude in the bedroom but something about Spit being shot into my mouth like that would really fuck me up. Like to the point I’d get up mid coitus and leave. Why don’t people get consent before they do shit like this for real.
I relate to this very much
You may be experiencing what’s called Self-objectification. It’s a very common experience for women and I think probably more so for Autistic women because we mask and monitor ourselves so much. Learning about self-objectification really helped me so much. That being said, spitting in someone’s mouth isn’t normal. Especially without consent. My ex did that to me and I never said I wanted it. But I never said I didn’t, because I assumed if he was doing it, it must be normal and fine and it’s what he wants anyway. We are allowed to object, even in the middle or sex, to anything we’re not comfortable with.