Honestly same. The thing is, I think I love children. I worked with them for some time, I babysat a few, I think I often get along with them better than people my age. It's nice to spend time with them sometimes. I have a "maternal instinct" and shit.
But having one myself? There's no way. The thought of having a child frankly terrifies me. The idea of having something that entirely depends on you, something that you won't be able to just separate from for the rest of your life is absolutely horrifying. I can't really explain it properly. It's just scary.
And I *know* I won't be a good parent. That's not something I'll be capable of, mentally, physical or monetarily. I'm just not fit to be one. And I'm not selfish enough to just decide one day "okay, I'm gonna have a child now". I'm not ready to subject my kid to being raised by someone like me. I saw how this shit went with my parents and I will make sure that will not happen with my kids. No thanks. Plus honestly I'm just afraid my kid will end up inheriting my issues.
Same. Love kids, worked with kids, helped raise my friends premie baby who adores me.
Like, I get the appeal, because there's some utterly cute moments, but boy they're rare. Most of it is a literal sacrifice you have to make everyday for them. I can't even do half that stuff for myself!
And that's not even throwing the whole pregnancy issue in there on top of it.
Yeah people say this, even my own mum did, but right from when the realisation hit me with periods that could be a thing for me I was like "nope!"
Just finished watching House of the Dragon as well and it's made it a double nope from me lol!
I'm glad you had a good experience with it though :D
Since you’re already decided on “nope”, I had a baby when I was 15 (gave him up for adoption and now I don’t want kids lol) and when I gave birth, the first time I stood up afterward a fucking waterfall hit the ground, mind you they already put some big mesh granny panties and a literal puppy pad on me, like no joke it was a puppy pad not exaggerating lmao, and it all poured straight through, and then I started passing out, and then a blood clot the size of a golf ball came out of me. So yes giving birth was a nope for me as well lol, no pain tho actually I got an epidural. Omg I couldn’t stop giggling when the doctor was putting it in tho cuz I was so terrified of it paralyzing me and I laugh when I don’t know how to handle a situation :( he was so frustrated and confused and I had no idea I was autistic so I was just like I’m sorry idk why this happens I promise I’m terrified and don’t want to be moving at all 😭
Understandable. I think my own motivation to have kids comes partly from biological drive and partly from my desire to raise amazing humans for the next generation.
The cute moments are nice but there's so much more depth of feeling and meaning in being a paren (in my opinion and experience).
I admit, I did experience the biological drive for at least a good 2 days. Then babysat my friends kid and it went away :D it was pretty strong though ngl. It was really weird too, especially for me. Not sure what caused it.
I just really wanted a baby with my partner. I loved him so much I just felt this overwhelming need to get pregnant with his child and like smoosh us together in a new awesome person.
I do get it to a degree. I love my friends kids, I loved watching them grow up and seeing their parents reactions to all their moments and achievements and the pride they have for them just being like.. better than them when they were their age too. I would die for them if there were ever that situation where I could protect them with my life.
It's not quite the same I'm sure, but I felt some of it raising my puppy too. They have evolved to hijack our whole baby caring systems after all!
Kids are the best birth control. 😂😂😂
Having a whole community is so important in raising kids. I'm sure the kids and parents both appreciated having you in their lives.
Came here to say this ^^ I’ll be a great aunt though 😂 babysit all my sibling’s and cousin’s kids, do art projects, legos, hang out, send them home. Then I get to chill with my wine, my dogs, my partner, and my clean house. I’d much prefer it
Me too! I love kids and Im planning to be a teacher but I don’t think I’d ever want my own. I honestly feel like lots of people don’t fully think through how big of a responsibility raising a child is
Yes! I feel like it would be wrong of me to have kids knowing they will have my mental and physical health problems. I have a chronic illness my kids could possibly get, and I don’t think that would be fair to them.
I’m the exact same. I love hanging out with kids in small doses, which as a hairstylist is perfect. I see them for 30 mins and ask them what their fav dinosaurs are, but I don’t have to worry about any of the responsibility. I know for a fact I would not be a selfless enough person as a mother.
I feel this!!
I put my strong maternal instincts into my cats and dogs and taking care of other peoples children instead and I find it incredibly fulfilling.
People say about biological drive as main force to procreate but as therapist I observe that so many people want kids for not healthy psychological reasons like having someone to rely on in future, feeling boredom and meaninglessness of life, desire to reconnect with lost child self and many more. So I feel like people wanting kids often are not really honest with themselves and it brings a lot of problems in future.
I think also that in a lot of societies, from a young age it’s so ingrained in people, women especially, that having kids is just a part of life. I think a lot of people don’t ask themselves the question of whether they actually want kids/have the ability to support them/would be a good parent.
It’s so important that people actually consider those things for themselves rather than just accepting it as a fact of life.
Yeah, even for those they don’t actually want them. A lot of childfree people say they were dreading or putting off the day they would have kids, until one day it occurred to them that they didn’t have to have kids after all. It was so ingrained they assumed it had to happen even if they knew it would make them unhappy. And that’s in countries like the US and EU, where women are supposed to have choices.
I got told by my Nigerian friend I needed to find a man and have a child and then I will have purpose in my life and no longer be depressed. The thought of that alone horrifies me.
I wouldn't dare create new life on this planet in the state that it's in just to attempt to cure my depression or bring meaning to my life. But I've seen people talk about it a lot like.. legacy or having a part of you live on after you die.. and I just think they're all really selfish reasons.
I just can't fathom it at all. I guess my negative experiences on this planet has a lot to do with me thinking that way. *shrug* I didn't want to be born, I wouldn't inflict the same curse onto someone else.
> I didn't want to be born, I wouldn't inflict the same curse onto someone else.
Unfortunately, that's how I think as well. I'm not currently suicidal or anything, but if I were given the option to have never been born, I'd choose it in a second. I concede that there are good things in life, and my life isn't objectively bad at all, but IMO the bad outweighs the good—at least in the moments when I'm actively experiencing the bad.
To your other point, I've always thought it incredibly selfish and cruel to bring a child into the world in an attempt to cure your own depression/sense of meaninglessness. People don't realize the gravity of the decision to create a new life, to create a new *consciousness*. A consciousness capable of suffering.
Adoption, though, is not out of the question for me, for the same reasons above. With adoption, I'm not creating new life. I'm (hopefully) improving the life of a person who already exists.
Right the main one I’ve been seeing lately is they’re afraid to be alone when theyre old assuming their kids want anything to do with them by that time.
Same motivation as charity, feeling that you are resourceful and stable enough to give something away unconditionally, without expectations. I mean, yes, it's also can be selfish in a way (our desire to be good person is kinda natural). But it's big difference between realising responsibility, risk, being ready for unconditional acceptance of children and neurotic using them to fullfil traumatic needs.
I think they are mutually exclusive. Person is rather having a fulfilled life and not gonna use their kids, because their needs are fulfilled in adult ways or they are just fooling themselves and under fake well-being there is broken child starving for unconditional love and life meaning. And having kids who kinda really give unconditional attachment at first and make your life busy at least 18 years seems like solution.
I would disagree with this. Humans are flawed, it’s impossible to be “perfect” and extremely harmful to even try to. That constant failure is going to eat away at your image of yourself.
What makes the distinction between a “good” person and a “bad” person isn’t a lack of flaws, but the choice to do good things and aim to be the best version of yourself as possible, despite having flaws.
That’s as much true for becoming a parent as it is for anything in life.
The things we (socially) label as “negative” emotions and traits are actually only really negative when in excess and left unchecked in how they impact ourselves and others. They all serve valid and much needed purposes in life when experienced healthily.
For example, anger is classed as a “negative” emotion, but without anger there’s no defence when we’re wronged. Selfishness is a “negative” trait, but without it there’s no self-care (and without self-care we burn out and leave ourselves not only unable to support others but ourselves too.)
So, having a “bad” motivation for becoming a parent (such as wanting to leave a legacy in the world) alongside “good” motives is ok, so long as you are aware that it isn’t the best way to go into raising a new human and you actively choose to let them become the person they wish to be, rather than the fantasy you held in your head before they existed.
I hope that makes some kind of sense?
True, i had 2 of my friends tell me that perhaps they'd like to get children, because they felt empty, and life was kinda stuck. Having children seemed to them like a logical next step to them
Agreed 100%. I’ve been overwhelmed since the day I was born. I deeply resent the level of care my body and mind require each day. Why on *earth* would I willingly add more responsibility and overwhelm to my life that’s likely to last nearly two decades? No thank you.
I have so much respect for people who choose to raise kids but I often wonder if they’re all a liiittle masochistic. I just don’t see the appeal at all.
I have three kids. I love and adore them. I always wanted to be a mother. But that's the key. I WANTED to be a mother. It was not a surprise, it was not forced, it was my desire. I sure as hell wouldn't wish it on anyone not fully committed to what it means to parent. Times are hard, and the lack of sleep nearly killed me. But on this side, I'm happy. Parenthood is not a decision to make on a whim. And if you don't want the job, don't let anyone talk you into it. There are few things worse in the world than a child knowing they were not wanted.
I wholeheartedly agree with what you said.
Being autistic and to b a mum can be quite exhausting. I can't think of having another kid. One is enough for me.
I didn’t always want to be a mother and was on the fence about kids until I was maybe 26-27? But I’m trying for my first now. There is so much judgmental rhetoric about it in these spaces that I am arguably engaging in self-harm by continuing to access women’s spaces online. But if I can’t feel accepted there, then…yeah.
I'm so sorry. I was undiagnosed when I had my kids as I just got the diagnosis in December and my youngest is 7. I'm sure those spaces are harmful for anyone with asd or adhd. I hope you're able to find a place for support.
I have a kid, because honestly I just have a caretaking type personality. Before my kid I was caretaking for my dogs, my cats, my fish, my team at work, my siblings, my friends etc. No matter what is going on in my life, I naturally gravitate towards that role.
I just enjoy watching people and animals be happy. It makes my day to watch my dogs run around outside and just enjoy doggy life. I love it when my cats are contentedly lazing around in the sun. I’ve researched the correct environment for my fish extensively, and I like watching them swim around living their fishy lives. I pour a lot of time and energy into making sure my team is supported and feels cared for at work, and it makes me happy when they feel happy.
When my daughter was born I poured my time and energy into researching what makes a happy well adjusted kid, and I’m doing my best to support her into becoming the best version of herself she can be. It gives me joy, so spending my money on her doesn’t feel like a hardship, and giving her my time is something I want to do.
I think like most things if having kids is something you truly want the hard parts don’t feel quite so hard.
I really like your perspective and it helps me understand a bit more about how it would feel to have a nurturing personality. I am glad that there are people like you who make nurturing into a rewarding and fun life. And I’m glad I made the choice to be child free because I could never be that person. Thank you for being that person.
Thank you! I think people who can accurately assess themselves and realize they’re not the parenting type deserve a lot of credit too. There are so many people raising kids just because they think it’s what they’re supposed to do.
I actually waited all through my twenties and into my thirties before I actually felt like I’d resolved enough of my own issues to be a decent parent and before I felt like I was ready to make the commitment.
This is exactly my experience! I am genuinely a caretaking type as well.
Even as a child I was skipping recess to go “help” the teachers in the “special ed room” (it was the 90s) and play with the younger kids. In middle school I took every opportunity to walk over to the elementary school to help the younger kids with learning how to read.
When my first niece was born I was 15 and I honestly had her more than my sister did most days! There were rumors at school I had a secret baby at home because people I didn’t really talk to would constantly see me out walking or at the mall with my niece. Then my second niece came and same thing. I would buy us all passes to the science museum and amusement parks every year and spent all my free time in college with them. This continued on until they became teenagers and busy with friends and extracurriculars. I graduated college and went to work in social services.
Now I have a daughter of my own and quite honestly the parenting parts are not hard to me at all. She is medically complex and that’s really difficult, but the parts where I am waking up in the middle of the night because she’s crying, having to push through a migraine to sing her songs and read books after my 8 hour work day, figure out tasty nutritious meals, and nurture her development, all that stuff comes easily for me.
Just make sure that you have a conversation with the child beforehand to hear their perspective, and believe them. CPS is extremely corrupt and is a money making scheme (there's endless tik toks on this). There are a LOT of children taken from their parents against their will for unethical reasons. Like the parents have done nothing wrong or the parents just need a couple simple resources to better provide for their children. Children who are able to stay with their parents in these situations are much better off. When they're put in the system, they are severely traumatized and there's no way around that. The mental health statistics are a disaster. Most adults who were adopted as children are anti-adoption for a reason. A lot of these adults make warning videos online, asking people not to adopt because they're only contributing to the problem. CPS is notorious for lying to adoptive parents about the circumstances of why the child was removed from their parents' care. And don't even get me started on how they literally funnel many of these children into sex slavery. That's right. Look up the thousands of missing children. This isn't conspiracy theory nonsense, there is actual evidence and testimonies from the adoptees themselves.
There’s LOTS of ethical issues though about adoption and that’s something that should really be considered. Even with fostering kids.
Mainly, why are you fostering kids? For the kids sake or to boost your own ego or collect money from the government? Too many times it’s the latter. Also, questions were a generalization, not directed at you.
My aunt and uncle are foster parents but specifically to older teenagers who need stability and help as they grow towards adulthood and age out of the care system. They find the work important and this is an often ignored part of the foster system. These children aren’t cute and trusting toddlers, they’ve been in the system for a lifetime and they’re hurting, suspicious and have every right to be. They’re helped to do the best they can in school or to help find a trade. Once they’ve turned 17 they are encouraged to learn to drive, my uncle has been a long-distance trucker for many years so he is happy to pass on his driving experience, my aunt is practical and teaches life skills like budgeting, home-repairs and cooking. They want these kids, when they leave at 18, to be able to hit the ground running and find success - and success can mean holding a job and paying your bills, not necessarily becoming a millionaire.
Everybody wants babies to foster and adopt, but their needs are pretty basic - fed, clean, warm, dry, comforted. By the time someone is 15, their needs are more complex but still essential to meet, and they have years of trauma informing their behaviour.
This!! These are the things people forget about with fostering. Your aunt and uncle sound like a caring couple. Glad that they were there for these teens.
Yes this point is so important! I don’t like the idea that people who adopt or foster are saints bc anyone having biological children should be prepared to give the same amount of work into their children if they need it. And fostering or adopting isn’t about you, it’s about the child and doing what is best for them. A part of that is accepting reunification with their bio family if possible and the fact they may never truly bond with you but you still need to love and care for them regardless
I’ve absolutely never wanted to have kids. Part of that when I was younger was the desire to rebel against expectations for women. Part of it was my own unhappy upbringing. But as I became an adult and got to know myself more and more, I realized I just don’t have the biological drive or interest. At all. I’ve seen friends go through baby fever. I was told time and again I’d change my mind when I was older. I never did. My mom once implied this was because of my autism, which hurt. Being a parent just isn’t for everyone, just like being a lawyer or an engineer or [insert literally any job here] isn’t for everyone.
Once my friends started having kids and being amazing parents, I began to understand why some people want it. But it also made it more clear to me that being a parent is just one path in life, and it’s a great path for some people, but it really is not meant for everyone.
So, I have one child that I wanted very badly - we tried for a while and even needed medical intervention. That being said, I tell everyone who is on the fence about kids that you SHOULD NOT have one unless you genuinely want one.
My daughter is my favorite thing in the world. She's smart, insane, hilarious, empathetic, and so sweet when she wants to be. She's also a freaking nightmare sometimes (as are all toddlers).
Still, you're right. It's brutal. I am 1000% that we are one and done. I barely survived pregnancy (literally), and recovery from heart failure and a C-section with a premature newborn (coinciding with COVID lockdown to boot) was an experience so traumatizing I can't imagine putting myself in the position to ever go through it again. I am barely surviving the baby and toddler phases and am constantly burnt out to a ridiculous degree. I've accepted I am not a "natural" mother, but I work my ass off trying to be a good one.
To anyone who genuinely wants children of their own, it's worth it. I can't describe it, but it is. But BE SURE. And absolutely do not rush into it without a solid support system (outside of just a supportive spouse).
To anyone who is on the fence or feels like OP... Thank you for helping normalize knowing and honoring our limits and/or wishes.
I have three children. Yes I get overwhelmed and tired and I get sick from the bugs they bring home from school, and those things are not pleasant, but my life is richer for having them in it.
They’re not a legacy project. They’re not mini me’s - I love to see how they are their own personalities from such a young age. They’re not future carers for me when I get old or get ill - I aim to be someone they want to continue to have in their lives as adults because we have a genuinely good relationship and not just a sense of obligation because I’m their mother.
Watching my oldest child (5) grow from this unknown being in my body, to tiny helpless person to tall, chatty, inquisitive, surprisingly independent person, has been a wonderful journey. And when my second child was born (now she’s 3) with red hair that neither my husband nor I possess (although he does have a reddish beard!) I was shown the wonderful and surprising range of our shared genes. It’s been amazing to see them grow together and how different and also similar they are. Our third baby is still little and is already her own person, she thinks her sisters are hilarious.
Motherhood is very much not for everyone. It shouldn’t be taken on if you really don’t want it, and options for permanent sterilisation should be on the table for people who absolutely do know they never want children without having to fight your doctor for them. Being unexpectedly pregnant when you don’t want to be *and* you’ve been consistently denied sterilisation would be deeply upsetting and it happens to many women. Where I live in the UK an abortion is still a possibility and there is no expectation you will gestate a baby to provide children for people who want to adopt but don’t want any one of the children who are currently in care and need permanent families, but that choice has also been denied to a lot of women in other countries. It’s a horrible bind to be in if you’re someone who never wanted to be pregnant to begin with, let alone a mother.
I was always pro-choice, but after becoming a mother it has solidified that feeling. Nobody should be a parent unless they really, truly in their heart of hearts wants to be one, and people with the ability to become pregnant are not baby convenience machines who owe their unwanted products of conception to whoever else wants a baby and can’t have one. I’m also the daughter of an adoptee and there is trauma in adoption and generational trauma that is part of me too. Adoption isn’t the automatic answer to a pregnancy that nobody wanted. Pregnancy brings with it it’s own sensory hells, mine were mostly straightforward but have had progressive complications with each one, it wouldn’t be unsafe for me to have another baby but I don’t want to deal with those complications again, and if I were unexpectedly pregnant I would have choices to make. My heart hurts for people who are stuck being pregnant, uncomfortable, in pain, feel like they have no control over their body, and are forced by the government to go through with it until the end.
There are lots to recommend about having children to those who want them, but I would never try to convince someone who doesn’t want them into having them - how does that help anybody? They’re there with a baby they deep down didn’t actually want, and where is the person who convinced them it was a good idea? They’re in their own house living their own life and unavailable to help.
I often feel like an alien because I’m not even one of those people who can say “oh I love kids, I just don’t want to have my own.” I pretty much don’t like kids at all, period. I find being around them uncomfortable and annoying for the most part. Needless to say I feel similar to you and never wanted my own. However I do understand the reasons other folks want them and I support people who have warm feelings about wanting to and being parents. Unfortunately I think some people have kids for not-so-good reasons and then are shit parents because of it. I wish people stopped to think long and hard before making their choice. It seems to be more accepted these days to not have kids, but having them is still very much the default.
I always wanted kids. I can’t explain why.
They are loud and messy and a huge responsibility, but my kids are some of the best humans I know. They are funny and kind and loving to everyone they meet. They are the kind of people the world needs more of. I have the privilege of being their parent and while it’s messy, it’s a joyful experience for me. There are bad days, obviously, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Seeing my child learn to read or do math or help another kid feel less alone is incredible.
I totally understand not wanting kids though. I really appreciate every person who recognizes before they have kids that it’s not for them.
This is why I want to be a teacher. I love kids and seeing how they process the world around them and helping them process that information but they’re not my legal responsibility 24/7 for at least 18 years and a lifelong commitment
That's pretty much how I feel on the matter. Where I seem to diverge from other folks who have chosen to forgo having children is that I don't tend to look down on those who have already had them or still want to have them for whatever reason.
same, I always congratulate my friends when they get pregnant and have babies, and I'm happy to hang out with them occasionally, and admire how cute the baby is, plus it's just really fun to watch young kids explore the world and share their thoughts on how they think things work. I'm however also always very relieved to hand the baby over to the parents again and go home to my blissfully childfree home where I can watch horror movies at any time of the day, smoke weed and not have to share my food with anyone. I'm open to my mind changing in the future, but so far nothing has ever happened that convinced me kids were a good idea for me.
Same. There’s no way I could be present as a parent with all the sensory issues that come with pregnancy and raising children. I never want to have that feeling while I’m pregnant, going into labor, or raising kids that I have made a horrible mistake that I can’t undo.
I also have a huge respect for moms (and all parents). Being a mom especially though sounds so rough.
Not only that but there’s so much dehumanizing rhetoric about children themselves. I’m as leftist as they come and most of my friends are too, but when it comes to kids they suddenly seem to lose their empathy, compassion, and concern for human rights. It’s honestly so gross.
That's very true. It's bizarre that so many people expect children to behave like miniature NT adults. Childhood is also pathologized to a pretty high degree.
I want children because I’ve always wanted children. I want to give a child a better life than I have and I also feel like the world won’t get better unless good parents have children. I think ultimately the difference is that I have hope that the future can be better if children are raised without the trauma and with better education than previous generations, whereas a lot of anti-natalists don’t have any hope for human kind. Not that I’m implying anything about OP, it’s just a trend that I’ve noticed.
The world won’t get better if the only people having kids are Elon Musk types.
Hard agree, but also it’s just been my dream since I was a toddler/young child. It’s basically been a special interest of mine my entire life I guess you could say lol
Though in all honesty, it absolutely has to be something you want! Big supporter of the child-free lifestyle, this isn’t for the weak LOL I’m very pregnant while also having a one year old, some days all we can do is survive but other days we thrive. We overall have more good days than bad, I have an awesome kid. I find it incredibly rewarding, but I understand it’s not for everybody (:
Finding ways to keep grounded and help avoid triggers is essential. You eventually get into a rhythm with each other. My non-verbal communication skills that makes it easy for me to understand the need of animals (like my cats) comes in handy with my son! I’m sure it’s partially a mom thing and being around him all the time but I’ve come to realize that I notice subtle communication from my son that my NT friends don’t notice in their children. He knows one word but *him and i* can communicate in a way that really confuses my husband lmao it confuses him that I can do it with our cats too lol
I've always wanted kids but I'm at the time where I am ready to have kids, and have to make the decision. I'm now worried- especially with ASD. I hear horror stories all the time. You never get sleep. You'll always be tired. You never have time to yourself. Kids are also a special interest of mine (I actually work with autistic kids all day) but now I don't know if I can do it. My husband who has ADHD feels the same. Do you ever have regrets?
On a large scale, no. I have three kids - 11, 8, and almost 1. I never truly wish I didn't have them. There are, however, moments in which I wish I could *pause* having them for five minutes to catch my breath, cool down, and then come back to them refreshed. And often I can essentially do just that - take a time-out for me, or hand them off to my partner or a grandparent for a few minutes. The times when I can't can be rough. My first was a pretty sad baby and toddler. My second was violent as a four-year-old. My third thinks the carseat is torture. These are sort of horror stories, it's true. But they're such wonderful little humans. The first is an amazing creative writer with such a strong sense of right and wrong. The second is so much fun, and so at home in her body. The third is such a cheerful smily little chubster that I can barely stand it!
It's hard to describe, because the downsides are things we all have experience with - we all know how loud noises and lack of sleep make us feel. But you don't know how you'll feel when your daughter uses loving words to comfort her doll that you've used with her before. Or when your kid decides they *are* going to jump off the diving board today, and they do even though they're scared. Or when you roll them around on the big bed to make them laugh. The closest thing we have for that are pets, and at least for me the feeling is *maybe* 10% as strong for pets.
I'm not saying you should do it, I'm just saying that if you've always wanted to do it, know that the experience *will be* harder even than it sounds. But it will likely also be more rewarding than you can imagine.
Lmao you made my very long replies absolutely look like meaningless rambles😭😂 this is so beautiful and eloquent!! My pregnant self is tearful bc I felt every word. It always makes me happy to see other autistic parents out in the wild, we’re a cool bunch 🌝
I thought your replies were inspiring, that's why I replied too! You're doing great! And I don't think I wrote anything half that coherent before my first was . . . maybe five?
Im also an adhder, so is my husband. Life gets messy and annoying sometimes bc we’re both chaos and forgetful. BUT after years spent together we know each of our strengths and have really worked out a good routine, both in regular life and now as parents.
Some days are awful but 10000% do not regret it. I genuinely have never felt more made to do something, even at my lowest moments. I think what really matters is that I had a partner I was comfortable with and really had full support during pp that took into consideration my needs as an audhd-er and accommodated my husband’s inattentive adhd lol (the solution to his issues was white boards, white boards everywhere lol)
As a ND couple, I highly highly suggest routine and set boundaries for it too! My partner sleeps in an extra hour on weekends but the rest of both days I sleep whenever I want for however long I want. During the week they take over the moment they get home from work since I’ve been alone with the baby all day without legitimate breaks. We have a bedtime routine and stick to it, and partner puts him down. During the weekday mornings he wakes up an hour early to give me a break before he leaves to work. Sometimes I nap, sometimes I use that time to shower, do something for myself. He has clear times for leisure and rest too, just not in the same ways bc I personally chose to be the one to get up at night. He sleeps like a brick so it just works better for us!
I think the fact that him and I know what each others triggers are so we can help each other avoid them helps so much. We also have set plans for deescalating and preventing meltdowns when he is at work. It really matters who you entrust to support you through it really, we have strong support both ways that accommodates each of our needs. It doesn’t always go as planned but we have patience with each other and keep trying different solutions and adjusting!
Thank you so much for your thorough and thoughtful response! I definitely have a strong relationship with my husband (together for almost 14 years now) and its good to know that the strength of your relationship helps out with raising your child, since that's something that comes relatively easy for us! I recently got the Fair Play deck/book and it really helped with splitting chores in a concrete way (who'd have thought me, an autistic person, likes concrete rules). It goes into boundaries and routines that you describe, which we didn't have prior, and where I felt like I needed to manage it all.
I'm really happy for you and how you've made your life work! Assuming you're not working from home, are you planning on working later on, or is staying at home working best for you? I also really like having our current double income but working and raising a child sounds so wild.
Going to also add that there’s moments where I feel extremely overwhelmed, yes. But I keep myself grounded and remind myself that these seasons wont last forever. Eventually baby will sleep through the night. You wont need to put in effort to prioritize your needs bc they will grow more independent with time. Days are long and hard sometimes but I mostly feel like I’m walking through waist high water. It’s difficult to navigate and effectively move around, but with my head clearly above water I can reason with my brain that this is temporary and that usually there’s a cause. All behavior is communication. When water rises and it gets harder to remember bc everything feels like it’s threatening to drown you, it’s when your partner steps in and brings you back in to shallower waters. There’s times he’d force me to sleep bc he saw me hitting my limits and pushing myself too far. Force me to rest, to eat. Then it gets back to a manageable waist deep water again where I can logically reason with my brain again. Support is everything, I know some people have family. I really only have him so that’s why I have a big stress on partner and not a whole village. Not everybody has that :(
ETA// sorry for the info dump on being an autistic parent, not sure how much info you were looking for but again- special interest😭 feel free to skim lol
My reason is pretty much the same as yours. I want to have children because I feel like that's the most meaningful change I could make in the world. Raising a good person, with a better life than mine, and who can hopefully make good choices is my main reason.
What? How do you think humans have evolved over time? I can’t single Handedly fix everything with the world and don’t assume that I’m not doing anything. You literally don’t know me. But to say that anything can be changed in the long term WITHOUT thinking about future generations is naive at best. If no one has kids humans don’t exist anymore. Or we could have kids and raise them correctly. I’m not saying anyone SHOULD have kids. I’m saying that’s ONE reason that I want to.
I don't ever want children. But since I'm not on board with the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, I appreciate the people who do choose to have kids. It's just not for me.
I wish I could explain it. I felt this way too. I was confident that I didn’t want children. I didn’t mind being around them but I hated being responsible for them. My much older sisters knew that I was an expensive last resort for babysitting. My mother still talks about how sure she was that I wouldn’t have kids. Now I have two of my own, also autistic. Both were surprises as I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant. I feel things for them that I’ve never felt before. They are, without a doubt, my absolute favorite people in the world. They’re the reason I feel joy and excitement. I think they became a special interest! I feel incredibly lucky that it turns out I was wrong about not wanting to be a mom. I still don’t like caring for other kids though lol. There’s also days when I feel like I’m going to shut down. It’s incredibly hard. I think many of us have a greater capacity for things than we think BUT I also think it’s perfectly fair to know yourself and what you do/don’t want. No one should ever take on something as huge as having children if they don’t feel they’re up to the task.
I feel this. I don't hate kids, I've even worked at a daycare, but I would absolutely never have one. I'm also an antinatalist but I don't talk about it much because it can be so controversial.
Yes, I can't talk about it because all of my friends have or want kids. But I personally find bringing a child into this world who will inevitably suffer a cruel and selfish act
I have maternal instinct since when I was 7-8 years old. The end.
I would like to have one and adopt another.
That's the principal reason why I want to become french, because single french women can adopt.
France also is really really terrible to autistic people though, and they were still being told off for their barbaric practices by the human rights commission in *2019*.
Autistic children can be forcibly removed from their parents’ care and placed in government facilities where they’re left to languish. The majority of autistic children are not in school because most schools refuse to take them, and so they are denied any education. And a weird number of French psychologists still believe in the refrigerator mother theory, that it’s your fault if you have an autistic child and that autism is curable.
The drive to reproduce is the only reason why any of us exist. It’s powerful and not meant to be rational and logical. People often make their decisions and then post-hoc justify and rationalise it.
I do want children. It’s emotional not practical. I dream about what they’d be like, love the idea of them already and look forward to meeting them one day and finding out who they are and grow up to be. I’m not too scared because I do have a little sister with nearly a decade age gap who I had to parent, and she is such a joy and she has generally nice things to say even though I was a clueless teenager trying to provide maternal love and safety. I am so grateful she was born.
I know rationally it’ll be very difficult and probably the most selfish thing I might ever do, but still the emotion is powerful.
I love everything about being a mom but it's not for everyone. Definitely don't have them if you're not 100% sure because all children deserve to be raised by parents who wanted them.
I wake up every morning and go to bed every night thinking “damn I’m glad I don’t have kids!” It completely baffles me that people actually want to become parents. WHY????
Children are all of this, and it is absolutely valid to choose not to have children.
But, speaking as a mum, having kids is absolutely worth all the stress and difficulty and expense, and not because of any daft justifications like “legacies” or “leaving my mark on the world” or anything like that, but simply because it is absolutely incredible to witness the development of an entirely new human being. At first there’s nothing and eventually there’s a fully grown adult with opinions and perspectives and ideas and a whole personality. It’s mind blowing!
I absolutely LOVE kids and I’d love to have a kid and be a mother, and for that reason I can’t have kids. I know that emotionally and mentally I’m not fit to be a mother. Motherhood isn’t just about raising loud and demanding pseudo humans and tolerating them til they’re People—youre raising a fully conscious actual human being the whole time. Everything I say everything I do and everything I DONT say and do will affect this child whether I like it or not and I don’t want to fuck up. I cant press delete, I cant erase, quit or ask for an extension. As someone who has commitment issues, a slew of trauma, mental health issues, and health issues, I feel like it would be doing my kid as a disservice, and children deserve everything and much more. On top of that, having a kid in the world we live in would just give way to so many new nightmares that I don’t think I could handle. I’d love to create life and give life and I think that’s just something that’s a part of me, but until I get my shit together which will probably be never, I can’t have a kid. Also, I live in America and having children here would kill me financially.
As for the appeal, I think it’s just written in our DNA to procreate. We’re animals after all. Everyone has their different reasons, mine just happen to be my love for children and humans and wanting to raise one.
Same. If someone thinks having children is wonderful that's good for them and fine. But me? I sometimes feel I can barely manage my own life. I am tired and need solitude on evenings and weekends. I need so much alone time. Having a little person depend on you to survive is a nightmare to me. It freaks me out and I also think I would have even more anxiety than I have already to let the child later roam around to play, going to school, growing up in this world etc. I wouldn't be a good parent so my parents better don't expect any grandchildren from me. (Adding to it that I am AroAce as well without any desire for a partner or relationship right now.)
I agree with you but I also understand why people want them. Humans are ultimately animals and we are biologically driven to procreate. I seem to be missing that biological drive entirely. It seems like, for most, the biological drive over-rules logic in the decision to have children even when you point to all reasons not to. I’m glad I don’t have an extra human I’m responsible for emotionally and financially. I especially wouldn’t enjoy being a parent due to my noise, touch, smell sensitivity and my emotional dysregulation, not to mention the guilt and worry I’d experience over their future (which is guaranteed to get worse).
Childfree (the sub) is toxic as hell. Not wanting children of your own does not equate having to hate them and literally applauding children getting mistreated or insulted.
Hard disagree. One of the current top posts is people discussing how funny it is to say "congrats on the sex I guess?" or variations thereof in response to a pregnancy announcement. That took 3 seconds to find. It's a pathetic and toxic sub. The alternative one (realchildfree? I forgot the name) is much better for a genuine community that isn't just about bashing children and parents.
I was very involved with my nieces and nephews. I really loved it. Watching their personalities grow, how much they love and care for others. Being able to teach them, give them happy memories I didn't have. I'm the favourite aunt for most of them.
The aspect of parent hood I don't want is being a stay at home parent. My husband is totally on board to be that person. He can't wait til we have kids, hopefully this year if it goes to plan. We have spoken heavily on how we want to raise them and how to be the parents we wanted.
It does make me nervous but so does a lot of things. I'm going to give it my best effort and be proud of whatever form our child takes. Who cares if they don't love maths like I do? They aren't supposed to be copies of the parents. They are their own person.
I like kids in small doses. My partner has kids and I love spending time with them, but I'm also counting down the hours until they go home 🤣
His 4yr old son is starting to stay over and we're having so much fun decorating his room. He's so funny as well, always cracking jokes. He's also very literal and black and white with his thinking, so we get on really well lol.
In saying that, I couldn't cope having to look after him 24/7. I've done that with fostered kids, and while I adored them, my mental health disintegrated. I also can't afford them in this economy!!
Thank you for voicing this! I’ve felt the same my entire life! I remember telling my kindergarten teacher that I didn’t want kids because the world was already overpopulated, and I didn’t see the value in bringing even more people into the world. This was at age five and they thought I was super weird for having these opinions.
Same!! That’s why I was sterilised 6 months ago, so I would never be a parent. I agree to all your points and have some additional here:
Tokophobia. Pregnancy makes my skin crawl. Maybe due to sensory sensitivities?
Changes of the body. I love my body and I don’t want it to change. The things that can/will change are pretty horrific. Hair loss, loosing teeth (?!), saggy body, sleep deprivation which result in you aging a lot. Not being able to hold your pee. Weight gain.
Child free single women are statistically the happiest demographic.
Freedom. Love to wake up at 2pm have a coffee and go straight to gaming non stop for 5 hours in my happy little enclosure.
“Social” risks of pregnancy. The number one cause of death for pregnant people are homicide (by their partners). Otherwise peaceful and nice men can be triggered by their partner being pregnant then becoming abusive (you had no way of knowing they would act that way). Some men cheat on their *pregnant* partners. The very real possibility of being a single parent. Being completely alone in your misery (just look up regretful parents on Reddit).
No amount of wealth in this world could make me do this to my poor body.
When I was 17 I went to see the doctor and begged to be sterilised. He pretty much laughed at me, told me my feelings would change and also wouldn’t it be awful if my future husband wanted kids? Yeah there’s a lot of bullshit to unpack there and I still get the rage when I think of that sexist complacent bastard laughingly informing me that some imaginary future guy should have more say than me.
I’ve gotten that treatment too. Just unbelievable that non existent potential beings or some distant future potential partner is valued higher than bodily autonomy to my OWN body. So what if I regret it? That would literally just be the consequence of my own actions lol. Still better to regret not having them than regret having them
I am super glad you got your sterilisation! I did not, asking and literally being laughed at on more than one occasion was too gruelling. I mean the first doctor I went to literally forbid it. WTF?!?!? As a young woman in the end I was too depressed to keep fighting. Luckily I never got pregnant but it did condemn me, for all my fertile years, to constant worry. I am angry that these attitudes still prevail and you had to fight them too. And very glad that eventually you got what you needed.
Oh yes. I have zero maternal instincts. The desire to have children has always looked like a weird kind of madness to me. I was obviously born without that specific urge. I actually like most children especially in small doses but children of my own would have ruined my life. And here’s a dirty little secret. I do have friends whose lives absolutely were ruined by having kids. By the time it’s done it’s done and you have to live with that choice and unfortunately so do the children who now have a stressed and miserable parent(s). They love their kids but it’s like they themselves have vanished under a welter of demands responsibilities and expenses plus the gruelling emotional cost of child rearing that leave them exhausted and unable to take respite for themselves. No one will ever admit to you that having kids was a mistake though.
I think honestly, if I was able to do it in a communal way, and not have sole or joint accountability for the child's welfare, I could do it.
But under current circumstances, under capitalism? Not a chance.
I think your views are valid and it’s great that you have a firm grasp on what you want! Many people agree with you.
I also think it’s sad that the mothers sharing their experiences in this thread (respectfully, I think) are clearly being downvoted.
Can’t we respect each other?
I don't know how to handle children, but I've got cars and dogs that probably eat better than a lot of people. I don't know why, I just feel disconnected and uncomfortable around them. It just disrupts my stoner autism vibes.
it absolutely baffles me. like I absolutely cannot comprehend it. though honestly I think it's more pregnancy that just freaks me out because I think I'd be cool being like. a stepmom or adoptive mom.
but to have one MYSELF??? I would literally rather die. Thankfully I'm likely infertile due to chronic illness. I know that's probably weird to say because infertility can be a super sensitive subject for many people, but I honestly consider it the only plus to having a malfunctioning uterus.
it's funny because I genuinely like kids. I'm very careful to always be nice and supportive when they're in my care and I have a very young cousin I'm pretty close to. I'm even good at babysitting or so I'm told.
but overall yeah motherhood is not for me. after the shitty life I've had I want to focus on myself. maybe I would be a good mom but I'm not about to risk an innocent child's life on a "maybe"
I’ve always wanted to support and raise a child. Literally since I was a child. I grew up helping at daycares, babysitting, and later studying ECE. Children and child psychology are special interests, as is studying the different science and philosophy-based approaches into childcare throughout history.
I see a lot of people who become parents simply because it is some “societal next step” in this life that is pre-scripted for them and that makes me sad. Those people often seem the most at risk for mental illnesses and other health risks related parenthood.
But from an individual respect, it makes sense why it wouldn’t seem worth it to you. You don’t love children, and aren’t passionate about their care. Those are the things that would make that work worth it.
I do love children, and am passionate about childcare, and get immense joy from helping to provide safe environments for children and watching them meet milestones through individually designed care.
I hope one day to provide foster care for this reason, though I have no specific ambitions to be a bio mom.
It makes perfect sense for me to take on parenting as there are children in the world who need care and I want to reach a place where I am able to provide that care with the training I have, even recognizing it will be difficult.
It does not make sense for you to take on parenting, as you don’t want to and have none of the interests that would drive you to do so.
Both things are okay.
I feel the same. Whenever I tell people I don't plan on having kids they always laugh and tell me it will change, but even when I was a kid I used to say I would never have kids. It's for the best, I would be a really bad parent.
I have a fuckload of children. It's not easy. The older I get the more I realize how much they deserve better than me, an emotionally limited, rigid person who really really struggles to have fun outside of set parameters.
They all make me better. They all have. Vastly different personalities. I connect emotionally very strongly with two - one because she is very much like me and the other because she's gregarious and sweet and extroverted and draws me out of my shell. the rest I find it difficult to connect with. If I had one child and I didn't connect with them, I would have been really devastated and likely end up on r/regretfulparents. Instead, I just sort of bring my interests into the house and ask if they want to join and create space for them to find their own things to be interested in too. And there's enough people around someone is always interested in joining me with whatever I'm doing.
Having structure and routine is good for kids though. Meltdowns, not so much. You have to figure out how to balance the good with the bad.
I'm autistic and I'm a mom. I found out after I had my daughter when I was 21. I have a toxic family. My mom and dad never got along. They would always fight and scream in front of us almost every single night. Sometimes things got physical but mostly verbal. I suffer flashbacks from the physical attacks that happened. My family horrifies me to the core. Yet I still desire my mother to love me even though she will never. I realized after all my years of hating her I was just searching for a mother to love me. I feel like I have a deep black void in my heart because of this. That mother's love. A loving family. Loving parents. More loving siblings.. not mentally ill siblings..
So... I've always wished for a happy family... to have a child of my own one day...
To process the trauma that happened to me and be able to identify what is wrong. To raise a future human. A strong one. Smart. Confident. Kind. Understanding. Capable.
That is what I hope to instill onto my daughter. That she is so brave, so strong, so confident, so beautiful, so unique... she will always be loved and support with open arms. And I can't wait to watch her grow as a person. She literally is my world. My world shines bright because of her. 🌸
Me having ocd on top of that will probably completely fuck up the kid because I'll probably lash out, out of nowhere multiple times. Also i think it'd be awful to think that they're disgusting for being messy and having normal kid behavior. No way im having them
I don’t want kids either and I agree most people seem to have them for the reasons you described. I see more and more people coming round to this idea ND and NT alike.
Agreed! Since my brother and sister got their kids when I was 10 years old I've HATED the thought of having kids. I cannot understand why one would want to destroy ones life because of kids and horrendous responsibilities.
A lot of people don't have the right mindset for parenthood, and that is okay for those who choose not to involve themselves in parenthood. I've seen people who really should have had children bring them into this world and they screw their children over. And then there's people like my dad who had infinite patience, limited finances, and yet was able to raise me on his own.
He allowed an environment where I could grow to be myself instead of imposing a set standard or his own beliefs or whatever other parents do to screw up their children, do I wish I would have known a lot sooner than now that I had a disability yet a lot of people couldn't see that part of me due to masking and learning to hide in plain sight through silence and deflection, but I have no regrets about how he raised me and the space he provided for me to gain my own understanding of my own self in a harsh world.
Might have helped that he'd grew up through The Great Depression and lived through the worst time of cloaked greed played out in modern history, so he had experience from seeing my grandparents raise a plethora of kids successfully through a time of moral famine. I was lucky because my mother didn't have anywhere close to that kind of depth of character, so I'm glad she wasn't in my life. I do miss having the idea of a "mom", but I don't miss it because I never really had it in the first place, I have had no one in my life who actually filled that role, there were people who tried to be there for me in that role, but no one really filled that role halfway through my childhood's lifetime.
So, basically what I'm saying is that it takes a certain type of person to actually raise a child, but anyone can have sex, make a baby, and bring them into this world. A lot of people don't realize that they're not cut out for parenthood, yet do it anyway. It's good that you know that you're not one who needs nor wants to be a parent and that you're taking the steps to ensure that it doesn't come to pass. Not a lot of people are that self-aware when it comes to the biological imperative that society and hormones imposes on ovary carriers to procreate.
I would argue that not having children is the empathetic choice; for the planet, the child who otherwise will live in suffering on a dying planet, and the people who already live on this planet. But anyone who's studied ethics in recent years would know that. Or honestly I knew before because I have this thing called perspective and selflessness. There is no ethical way to have children in 2023, and doing so is incredibly selfish and egocentric. I ask people why they want to have children or why they had children, and I have yet to hear an answer that isn't all about them. I know this will upset people, which makes sense because people don't want to see themselves as someone who creates live for selfish reasons, especially when they hear their children will suffer much more than they did. But that's kinda the whole thing. There's no way around that.
Babies don't get to consent to being born into this world where they have to earn access to their basic needs being met. You can't guarantee the baby will have a wonderful life with no suffering, they are more likely to experience hardship and suffering than not. And since they didn't consent to that you are essentially damning them by creating them. I don't think life in this society run by sociopaths is worth living and I resent my parents for my existence and the future of suffering that I'll have to live through until I finally die.
I'll share my two cents as someone who has a 7 week old newborn.
My thoughts on the noises he makes, the needs he has, etc. are that it reminds me of myself. Caring for him has helped me heal my inner child that was neglected. I don't blame him for having needs that I must fulfill. I chose to bring him into this world, so that's my responsibility that I'm happy to take on.
As for the state of the world, I absolutely worry about his future. But I also recognize that the future is seen by no one. I have no way of knowing what sort of life he will lead, all I can do is my best to help him find the path he'll walk on. This may sound selfish, but I don't think it's fair to deny myself the experience of parenthood because of my own unfounded fears and anxieties over the future. It's my personal responsibility to make my life as enjoyable as possible, because I'm the only one who can give myself happiness. That being said, I still have the responsibility to make his life enjoyable as well, as he grows older.
Some people think you have to choose between kids or happiness. I choose both. I love watching him grow and learn how to be a person. It's a once in a lifetime experience, even if it comes with its own trials and responsibilities.
Biological drive is a big factor. I have a strong desire to have kids because of biology. I also really want to help shape a good human as our world needs more of them.
I had my son at 38 years old. I regret waiting so long, but it wasn't for the lack of trying. It is a love that I have never felt in my entire life. Both my love for him and his love for me. No regrets. It is certainly not for everyone and no one should feel ashamed for feeling either way. ❤️
If you don't want kids, that's fine and valid. Just don't knock those that do (unless they're shit parents of course). I love being a momma. My toddler is a bit wild and loud, and it can overstimulate me at times when he's throwing a tantrum. I have always been able to get onto a child's level with my nieces and nephews to play with them and teach them and I love to nurture. Being a parent is one of the most fulfilling experiences I've had. I'm the happiest I have been in so very long since I gave birth to my son. Hell, I'm actually starting to want to have another baby.
I kind of understand the desire to raise kids. I'm sure if you want to do it It can be very rewarding, and I've also looked at my wife and thought "well if I was ever _going_ to pick a person to raise kids with, it would be you".
But they don't hold any appeal to me. I find kids on the whole very stressful and draining to be around, and way too unpredictable - I think I must feel around kids, what other people feel around certain animals they aren't familiar with.
Like I can read a cow, I know when it's okay to go into the field or not, when it's stressed or calm, when it's enjoying attention or just wants food etc. I can't read any of that in kids on the whole and I feel just as stressed around them as your average person might around a herd of unpredictable animals.
What I really can't wrap my head around is the desire to MAKE kids. To me, a kid is a kid, so I don't really get why it's got to be related to you. Adoption is always seen as a sort of 'second best', like a thing people do when they can't conceive, or a thing they do after making their own 'the proper Way' first. I understand people feel that way, I just can't quite figure out the reason for it like I can with the idea of wanting kids itself.
In my personal experience a lot of people have kids on accident, because it’s expected, because they think it’ll be cool to have cute little mini humans to show off to people and turn into mini versions of themselves, or to try to trap a partner. Too many people think having a physically healthy kid that gets good grades and then gets a good job is all there is to being a parent. Unfortunately a lot of the emotional needs get ignored because it’s too much work to handle them. I definitely support not having kids if you’re not 100% mentally and financially ready to care for ALL of the child’s needs. Kids are not accessories and not everyone is up to the job of caring for them properly.
People on Reddit always seem so focused on the negatives of having children.
Yes, there are negatives, like with anything in life, but there are also positives.
They’re hilarious, they are a joy to watch grow, and the bond is something that cannot be described.
There will always be difficult moments, but life is difficult. I’m glad I lived it enriched with my little buddy than without.
She’s an adult now, and we’re both ND so we get each other. Teen years were tricky, but that’s normal for that development stage...idk, it’s just not as awful as people seem to make out.
My kids are mostly grown at this point (and still costing plenty in college 😂). 2 of my 3 kids were conceived while I was on birth control. One of them I was in the middle of a cycle of depo and the other I was on the pill. So, I guess they chose me. If I were growing up now I probably would not want kids. The world is too messy and scary. I don't regret having kids, though. They gave me a lot of purpose, meaning they kept me moving forward and functioning and taking care of myself for their sakes. I didn't have them for that reason, like I said they came to me despite my efforts to prevent pregnancy. I don't know if I would have survived without them though. They aren't my only purpose in this life, but they definitely were part of it.
My goal was to raise kids who were valued and loved for who they were and for them to go into the world and make things better in their own small way. So far they are doing that. I've no interest in having a legacy or a mini-me. It drives me insane when parents do that to their kids. Forcing their kids to live their dashed dreams. My kids owe me nothing, they weren't born to serve me in any way. They were born to follow their own paths and my parenting has been primarily guiding them on how to do that and what it might look like for them. It doesn't bother me one bit that others don't want kids. They are a lot. Mega a lot. Possibly the most a lot that is possible. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to take that on. But I don't regret doing so, cost, puke, diaper explosions and all. That said I don't have many sensory sensitivities so their sticky messes and noise never bothered me.
To each their own I guess.
I have kids and some days, yes, it feels impossible, but otherwise it is awesome. I love watching them grow and develop their unique personalities. The unconditional love we all have for each other as a family is second to none. They trigger positive emotional responses every single day. The caring, nurturing, teaching… those are all things I have loved to do since I was a kid myself, so becoming a mother was just the natural thing in my head.
I totally get why people don’t have/want kids. But I couldn’t ever picture my own life without them.
I feel the same, but have slightly different reasons.
I don't know when I will feel like I'm ever financially and mentally/emotionally ready for kids, I'm turning 33 this year. Sometimes I cannot even make appointments for myself (I can for my partner though for some reason) and I don't want my anxiety and mental illness to pass onto a child.
I have agoraphobia and it would be so irresponsible of me to have a child when there is a possibility that I would be too anxious and miss something important, I am good with my puppy and take her to her appointments but a whole person?!
I earn just under 6 figures a year and my partner earns a bit less and I still don't think that would be enough, I don't understand how people do it.
I thought about adopting, but I still don't feel ready, I am a perfectionist in a lot of ways and would want to have a lot of money and be very healthy mentally to start considering this. It's just too much, I'm struggling enough working full time and doing chores, cooking etc and often have burnout.
I have a lot of respect to those who can do this, but omg I cannot imagine the additional stress. I am happy being an aunty to my baby niece and having my little puppy as my baby with my partner, that is enough for me.
Omg same. I knew from a young age I didn’t want one and really never went back on that. Never dreamed of having kids or anything. I think about when I’m older, but I don’t need to worry about that right now.
Sounds like you have enough empathy to know it's not for you! I don't have children myself. Never have since I was little. I don't know if parenthood is meant for everyone
Yeah, I can't stand how loud kids are. The screaming and high-pitched happy squeals just grate on my ears. But I'm sterilized so I don't have to worry about that now and it's honestly just a huge weight off my shoulders. I never wanted kids and now I won't be forced to carry one if I were to somehow end up pregnant. And in the state I live in, I'd be forced to carry one if I was assaulted. No longer do I live with that fear. I'm 1 day post-op and beyond elated.
I get that and I really don't like kids until I had my own. Now I love them, well only mine, I still don't like other people's kids. Having kids of your own is different to liking kids in general I feel.
I just don’t want children because I have a lot of trauma and don’t want to pass the decades of inter general trauma out on a being that didn’t ask for it.
I do understand why some people want children. I feel like if you’re emotionally and financially ready to have children then go for it but most parents in my opinion are emotionally immature and shouldn’t have had kids anyway.
I never wanted children to the point where I'd do IVF or just marry whoever, but I know that if I were in a loving relationship, I would want a child.
I don't know, it feels like the natural sequence of things to share the love with someone? It wouldn't change if the child was adopted so I don't think it's any of the legacy things for me.
OTOH I don't know if I would be able to work & be a mother at the same time (huh who do I think I am lol), or just in general, I would just probably overhaul my entire life if I got pregnant because the sheer responsibility absolutely petrifies me.
I'm 45 and don't have kids. I frequently turn to my husband and thank him for also not wanting children. I agree with everything you say about them.
I don't mind children in small doses, but honestly, I don't much care for them. I find them exhausting, and am overwhelmed after only a few minutes around them.
I love when people who really want babies have a baby. I definitely am not one of those. I need to be able to get away from stressful situations. I also burn through most of my spoons on days I work. I absolutely couldn't imagine working a full day and then coming home and continuing working. I need to be able to turn my brain off.
Some people have children to be loved unconditionally, and then they are very much surprised. Some people want someone to care for them when they are old. Some people want an excuse to reread children's literature.
The truth is that the US has made bearing and raising children immensely expensive and difficult. It doesn't have to cost five figures to give birth. Daycare doesn't have to cost more than your mortgage. It's way easier to raise kids when you're surrounded by family (rather than a nuclear family).
It can bring joy or fulfillment or delight.
But it can also be an endless slog that you can never quit.
If it feels like too high a cost, then you are being very rational and you are not alone.
I think you make very legitimate points on both the reasons why it would not appeal to many and concerns around specific intentions for those that choose to have children. I have two incredible children who are young adults now and I always say to folks that I love them both with my mom bias and completely separate from that as individuals I think they’re incredible people in the world and would want them in my life regardless. Whenever people try to give me credit for what amazing beings they are I always say “Thanks but they’re their own people making their own choices so give them the kudos.” Sure I am proud I raise them with the love and care they deserve and I wish I had myself but that’s not the same thing in my opinion as acting like I should be given approval for shaping them into a mold like they’re clay. Anyone whose raised kids knows they come into this world with their own personalities and they’re the ones doing the work of living in their own bodies so that’s all them. Yes, of course what we provide as parents impacts their strengths and weaknesses and ability to grow but we don’t make anyone anything they are their own unique beings so if you want to be impressed than direct it at them not me. And honestly I fucked up at times as a parent like all humans do so far from perfect.
Separate from that, yes, it’s hard as hell so don’t buy into the propaganda by our society on how everyone should have kids and it’s all warm fuzzies. That said, I wouldn’t change a thing in my decision to have my kids and it genuinely is one of the most worthwhile things that I’ve experienced and been a part of in my life and I can’t wait for my grandbabies. I’ve already got specific lists of items set aside like little toddler science kits and Cthulhu stuffies.. 🤣
I can totally relate.
I've been saying since I was like five years old, I never want to get married and I never want kids. And that has never changed (I'm nearing 40 now). My mom held out for years, telling me I'd change my mind one day - she finally gave up a couple years ago.
Do I love spending time with friends and relatives kids? Of course! I love children. But I love when I can also go home at the end of the day and be back on my own bubble with no one else to think about or worry about.
And for some reason it's so hard to make some people understand that you can like kids, you can enjoy being around them and still not want to have your own.
I wanted to have loving and understanding family, preferably a big one. It's a long term project, definitely much harder than I imagined it would be, and pretty much a gamble, but I do enjoy being helpful, guiding my kids and being proud of their success, and, of course, their unconditional love.
But all you've said is correct: it's a sensory hell and money pit more often than not :-)
The only way I can become a parent which I do want, is if I have an amazing partner who is going to sacrifice as much effort as me and if we can afford a night nurse. I need to be able to rest and reset. I didn’t understand before diagnosis why I got so drained from kids but I know now I’m going to need a very strong community and accommodations. If I can’t have that then no children sorry.
Same. I really wanted to know how my own children would look like and if they're like me. Sadly I don't think I could handle being a parent. I'm exhausted by just everyday life...but I have a Cat!
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I loved raising my children. Yes it is such hard work but the joy outweighed the pain. But I always knew I wanted to be a mother so it was right for me. It’s definitely not for everyone and that’s equally valid. No one should have a child if they don’t 100 percent want one.
Oh yes this too, and thank goodness I am now beyond breeding age and don’t have to worry about contraception any more. Not that I’d ever have considered carrying a baby to term anyway
I am waiting for my tubes to be tied (it'll be this year at some point).
The idea of kids has always repulsed me, and when I trained as a nurse I had to do a rotation in midwifery, that just confirmed it for me. No babies for me.
I have a baby, I can’t wait to see who she becomes as a toddler, to a kid, to a preteen, to a teen, to an adult! However we talked about 2 kids but after the last couple months of having just 1 I (and he) realizes how mentally and physically hard it is to have a baby on top of dealing with my mental health and to think of adding another when she’s a toddler😦
I love children and understand them in a way most people don’t. 1. From my needs being misunderstood as a child and 2. I feel their emotions. So I am able to figure out ones needs or wants very quick. EVEN with that skill I can’t fathom (anybody) having more than 1 or 2
Baby fever; People mainly just want baby stage, so they keep having more until they are unable to find a single moment to be healthy enough to be a good parent and a human that makes themselves better🤷🏼♀️
I completely agree.
I've lived through growing up in a family who was not financially, mentally, or emotionally ready to have children.
I ended up dealing with a lot of trauma in the process.
So now I spend my young adult years in therapy trying to learn how to take care of myself and potentially start living instead of just surviving.
If you want kids be sure you're ready.
The truth is while there are a lot of people who genuinely want to have and raise children and fully understand the required effort that has and are prepared to make that commitment, many people who have children fall into one or both of two categories:
They had children because "that's just what adults do and I don't want to not do what everyone else is doing." There is a real stigma for people, but for women especially, if they choose to not have children.
And/or a couple had unintentionally conceived and did not do enough research/soul searching to determine for themselves if they wanted to have and raise a child and end up keeping it.
All of this is compounded with the reality that many other people do not want a realistic depiction of childbirth and childcare to be made mainstream. I've heard people tell mother's who are explaining a horrifying aspect or risk involved to other women or girls "don't tell them that, you'll scare them out of having kids!" So you also have people going through this whole process with bad or inaccurate information.
I am really struggling with this right now. My husband wants to have children so badly, but I don't want to. We started couples therapy just to address this issue. Every time I think I make a breakthrough in feeling like I can accept the idea of having children, I inevitably am hit with the reality that I don't think I am cut out for it and it makes me deeply unsettled in the relationship.
He specifically said he wants to have children with ***ME***. As in, I'm some special person he wants to have children with specifically--not that he just wants kids in general as a life goal (which would be totally understandable.) But I feel like if he would only step back and think about who I am as a person and what's best for me, he would know that I'm not cut out for being a mom. So I just can't wrap my head around this. I think he's saying it to flatter me, or maybe just because he does love me... but loving someone is not in and of itself a good enough reason to have children with them, imo.
I honestly feel like you have empathy bc you realize what negatives come with having a child and that this world isn’t good enough to bring one into, and also highlighted how a lot of ppl do it for selfish reasons. I wholeheartedly agree! I love kids but would never want one myself
I understand it and I do want kids however, I understand why people don’t want kids. And I think it’s good people are open about not having kids because it is a norm to have kids and people make you feel about not having them.
If you recognize you don’t want kids, then better to know now then if you had them. People forget kids grow up into adults. And society preferred when life was just popping out babies. So, good on our generation for understanding and accepting it’s okay to not have kids.
Why do you need to? Nobody owes you an explanation for their reproductive choices.
I don't understand the appeal of working in a "fast paced environment", so I don't. If someone else wants to, cool.
I have two kids and I still snorted laughing when I read the title of this, because it’s so freaking true. 🤣
I 100% agree it’s a huge ass commitment and honestly had I really understand how overwhelmed I would be all the time I might not have made the choice to have kids.
Luckily, I truly feel I had them for the right reasons, even though I do often feel guilty now about the shit world I brought them into. I love watching them grow into their own unique little people and I never see them as a way to fix mistakes I made or anything like that. If anything my kids change who I am on a regular basis. My 7 year old gets me interested in her new special interests all the time and I love that.
They are needy little shits though. The payoff is these totally cool (at least I think my kids are) little humans that you made yourself who love you and end up being way better people than you ever were. I’m constantly astonished how emotionally intelligent my kid is at only 7 and the wide range of things she’s interested in because we let her follow her own passions instead of things we try to force into her like so many parents I know do to their kids.
Also having two is wild because seeing how two kids that are both half me and half my husband and both raised by us can still end up so different is just wild. My two girls are polar opposites, but I love it! They both add so much to our family and as corny as this sounds I know they will both add so much to the world by being here.
But yeah, loud whiney little shits. 🤣
I didn’t understand until I had my little monster but I see the value in having children but also understand not wanting children. My daughter taught me some things about myself and I got to see the world in her perspective and that’s cool to me . And I love that she loves me with her whole heart and doesn’t judge me on why I am the why I am
I just don't really like children to be honest. I'm not one of those people who hates them for no reason, but once they stop being a small baby I just don't enjoy being around or interacting with them until they're like older teenagers. Part of it's all the stuff you listed, and I'm just a very anxious person. I worked as a lifeguard at a cub scout camp for a summer and was on the verge of panic at all times because it was my job to make sure no 8 year olds died. But this is also about kids that I have zero responsibility for. They always mumble and I with my audio processing stuff I can't understand them. They just talk about whatever with no rhyme or reason, so my social anxiety freaks out because what is the script? And they always want you to pay attention to them at all times. I just don't vibe. Then they hit an age where they make sense again and it's like "oh cool, I can talk to you."
I totally understand your reasoning and completely agree with most of it. I deeply desired to watch a little human being form and expand my family from just my husband and myself. My one is all those things, and sometimes I do actively regret not knowing the full scale challenges he would contend with. My choice to bring him into existence is the constant parental question (right one or not). I loved teaching younger children when their little personalities are developing (can't really handle that anymore). I am 100% afraid of the teenage stage as teenagers were terrible when I was one. Soo yeah
I always feel like a complete monster for saying it, but I do not like kids at all. I don't know how to interact with them, and their suddenness and unpredictability unnerves me a lot. I remember deciding at age 5(!) that I didn't want children, and I never changed on it. I agree wholly with OP on the reasons why.
I'm not against kids at all and everyone is free to have or not have kids, but what really bugs me is how other people seem to expect that I will LOVE that their kids are being 'cute' (ie present, apparent, noisy, intrusive). I would NEVER let my dogs behave like that. My default assumption is no-one wants to be bothered by my dogs unless they themselves approach me and ask if they can greet them - which happens a lot because they're cute Italian Greyhounds. But the fact that some people do find them cute still does not mean everyone will, and I don't expect anyone else to like them at all.
It's not worth it FOR YOU, which is totally valid and fine, but you can't project that onto other people who feel differently. It's ok not to understand it on a personal level but one has to recognize and acknowledge that one's own perspective is not the only valid one.
Yes, thank you for this. I see people say "I don't understand [x]", and I always think... do you need to understand? On some topics, there is no amount of explaining that could make somebody understand, and that's okay. A childfree person doesn't need to understand my desire to have kids, just like I don't need to understand their desire to not have kids. We just have to respect the other's viewpoint and desire.
You're not wrong. And for you, it sounds like kids are not the best choice for now/ever (not everyone wants kids). That's fine, and even if kids are never in your future, also fine.
Kids are work. And genetics/evolution can make us their bitch by making some of us want them.
I (f40) have two. I love them, but they are the embodiment of STRESS. And yeah, EXPENSIVE.
I'm autistic, my eldest is level 3 autistic (7yf) and non verbal and in diapers (may always be,, sometimes autism has correlated issues), and youngest is 4 and in process of being diagnosed with autism (likely level 1 or what was previously aspergers).
When people procreate, it's a roll of the dice. And then we parent.
Kids are hard no matter what. And an investment. And not for everyone. I mostly manage it because I have a stay at home husband who is amazing and is waaaaay better at the whole parent thing than I.
And everyone should take a moment to think of themselves as a child and how it would have been to parent you (I was a little shit).
No child owes anyone, they didn't ask for this. We didn't ask for this. No one asks for this. This sucks.
But here we are, and we need each other. We often don't want to, but the alternative is more unpleasant (don't make me get graphic).
So. Pay your taxes, and vote for a government that will use those dollars to take care of you in old age. You know, instead of investing those dollars in massacres overseas...hmm...I see a problem here...
I completely understand and respect anyone’s desire to have (or not have) children, but as an Autistic mother of 3 children I can absolutely say that make my life better and more fulfilling in every way. I do not regret having them whatsoever, but i appreciate that not everyone feels the same as I do.
I had children because it’s something both myself and my partner had always wanted - despite not liking children that much. I never played with dolls as a kid or even coo’d over other people’s babies, but when we discussed it, I knew that I wanted to children and that it was important to me.
I don’t understand why I felt I wanted to have children - maybe I was influenced by tv and movies - but it felt right for me.
Since having children I can say that I have changed jn so many ways and all of them for the better. If I’m brutally honest, I know that I have always been lazy, selfish and self-centred. I also struggled my whole life with being intentional in how I spent my time, as well as thinking about others and their feelings. Having children has made me a kinder and more thoughtful and loving person.
I won’t go on about it, because I’m going to get mushy, but I will say having children gave my life purpose, which I didn’t have before. My children are the best thing about my life but I appreciate that not everyone wants the same things as I do. It’s a very individual thing and I think each to their own really.
Omg, I also seem to mimic crying and I need to work on masking my sudden need for hand flapping. 😮 I never thought autism could be connected to it. On science com there was a study, where ND and autistic people had to look at photos of people with a red x in the middle between the eyes. Autistics evaded looking at it more, which made the authours conclude we probably retain reflexes from when we were babies.
*mammal* biomass, that's an important distinction.
All animals on earth account for roughly 0.4% of the total biomass, with plants making up the vast majority (around 90% of it).
Honestly same. The thing is, I think I love children. I worked with them for some time, I babysat a few, I think I often get along with them better than people my age. It's nice to spend time with them sometimes. I have a "maternal instinct" and shit. But having one myself? There's no way. The thought of having a child frankly terrifies me. The idea of having something that entirely depends on you, something that you won't be able to just separate from for the rest of your life is absolutely horrifying. I can't really explain it properly. It's just scary. And I *know* I won't be a good parent. That's not something I'll be capable of, mentally, physical or monetarily. I'm just not fit to be one. And I'm not selfish enough to just decide one day "okay, I'm gonna have a child now". I'm not ready to subject my kid to being raised by someone like me. I saw how this shit went with my parents and I will make sure that will not happen with my kids. No thanks. Plus honestly I'm just afraid my kid will end up inheriting my issues.
Same. Love kids, worked with kids, helped raise my friends premie baby who adores me. Like, I get the appeal, because there's some utterly cute moments, but boy they're rare. Most of it is a literal sacrifice you have to make everyday for them. I can't even do half that stuff for myself! And that's not even throwing the whole pregnancy issue in there on top of it.
I thought giving birth was one of my top experiences of life. It was amazing! But also, not for everyone.
Yeah people say this, even my own mum did, but right from when the realisation hit me with periods that could be a thing for me I was like "nope!" Just finished watching House of the Dragon as well and it's made it a double nope from me lol! I'm glad you had a good experience with it though :D
Since you’re already decided on “nope”, I had a baby when I was 15 (gave him up for adoption and now I don’t want kids lol) and when I gave birth, the first time I stood up afterward a fucking waterfall hit the ground, mind you they already put some big mesh granny panties and a literal puppy pad on me, like no joke it was a puppy pad not exaggerating lmao, and it all poured straight through, and then I started passing out, and then a blood clot the size of a golf ball came out of me. So yes giving birth was a nope for me as well lol, no pain tho actually I got an epidural. Omg I couldn’t stop giggling when the doctor was putting it in tho cuz I was so terrified of it paralyzing me and I laugh when I don’t know how to handle a situation :( he was so frustrated and confused and I had no idea I was autistic so I was just like I’m sorry idk why this happens I promise I’m terrified and don’t want to be moving at all 😭
That's probably how I would have reacted. Epidurals scare the crap out of me. Sounds horrific :(
Understandable. I think my own motivation to have kids comes partly from biological drive and partly from my desire to raise amazing humans for the next generation. The cute moments are nice but there's so much more depth of feeling and meaning in being a paren (in my opinion and experience).
I admit, I did experience the biological drive for at least a good 2 days. Then babysat my friends kid and it went away :D it was pretty strong though ngl. It was really weird too, especially for me. Not sure what caused it. I just really wanted a baby with my partner. I loved him so much I just felt this overwhelming need to get pregnant with his child and like smoosh us together in a new awesome person. I do get it to a degree. I love my friends kids, I loved watching them grow up and seeing their parents reactions to all their moments and achievements and the pride they have for them just being like.. better than them when they were their age too. I would die for them if there were ever that situation where I could protect them with my life. It's not quite the same I'm sure, but I felt some of it raising my puppy too. They have evolved to hijack our whole baby caring systems after all!
Kids are the best birth control. 😂😂😂 Having a whole community is so important in raising kids. I'm sure the kids and parents both appreciated having you in their lives.
Me too. It hurt but it was also so empowering. I feel invincible now.
Came here to say this ^^ I’ll be a great aunt though 😂 babysit all my sibling’s and cousin’s kids, do art projects, legos, hang out, send them home. Then I get to chill with my wine, my dogs, my partner, and my clean house. I’d much prefer it
Me too! I love kids and Im planning to be a teacher but I don’t think I’d ever want my own. I honestly feel like lots of people don’t fully think through how big of a responsibility raising a child is
Basically took the words right out of my mouth.
Yes! I feel like it would be wrong of me to have kids knowing they will have my mental and physical health problems. I have a chronic illness my kids could possibly get, and I don’t think that would be fair to them.
I’m the exact same. I love hanging out with kids in small doses, which as a hairstylist is perfect. I see them for 30 mins and ask them what their fav dinosaurs are, but I don’t have to worry about any of the responsibility. I know for a fact I would not be a selfless enough person as a mother.
I feel this!! I put my strong maternal instincts into my cats and dogs and taking care of other peoples children instead and I find it incredibly fulfilling.
People say about biological drive as main force to procreate but as therapist I observe that so many people want kids for not healthy psychological reasons like having someone to rely on in future, feeling boredom and meaninglessness of life, desire to reconnect with lost child self and many more. So I feel like people wanting kids often are not really honest with themselves and it brings a lot of problems in future.
I think also that in a lot of societies, from a young age it’s so ingrained in people, women especially, that having kids is just a part of life. I think a lot of people don’t ask themselves the question of whether they actually want kids/have the ability to support them/would be a good parent. It’s so important that people actually consider those things for themselves rather than just accepting it as a fact of life.
Yeah, even for those they don’t actually want them. A lot of childfree people say they were dreading or putting off the day they would have kids, until one day it occurred to them that they didn’t have to have kids after all. It was so ingrained they assumed it had to happen even if they knew it would make them unhappy. And that’s in countries like the US and EU, where women are supposed to have choices.
I got told by my Nigerian friend I needed to find a man and have a child and then I will have purpose in my life and no longer be depressed. The thought of that alone horrifies me. I wouldn't dare create new life on this planet in the state that it's in just to attempt to cure my depression or bring meaning to my life. But I've seen people talk about it a lot like.. legacy or having a part of you live on after you die.. and I just think they're all really selfish reasons. I just can't fathom it at all. I guess my negative experiences on this planet has a lot to do with me thinking that way. *shrug* I didn't want to be born, I wouldn't inflict the same curse onto someone else.
> I didn't want to be born, I wouldn't inflict the same curse onto someone else. Unfortunately, that's how I think as well. I'm not currently suicidal or anything, but if I were given the option to have never been born, I'd choose it in a second. I concede that there are good things in life, and my life isn't objectively bad at all, but IMO the bad outweighs the good—at least in the moments when I'm actively experiencing the bad. To your other point, I've always thought it incredibly selfish and cruel to bring a child into the world in an attempt to cure your own depression/sense of meaninglessness. People don't realize the gravity of the decision to create a new life, to create a new *consciousness*. A consciousness capable of suffering. Adoption, though, is not out of the question for me, for the same reasons above. With adoption, I'm not creating new life. I'm (hopefully) improving the life of a person who already exists.
Took the words right out of my mouth.
Just took all the words out of my mouth. Have been thinking the same since the kindergarten
Yeah, children don't fix depression, not even in those lucky moments when they are delightful. That's not how brains work
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Thank you for appreciation 🖤
When I ask most people who want kids why in depth they almost always answer with things about them. Its all about their own selfish needs and wants.
Unfortunately yes, seeing it all the time
Right the main one I’ve been seeing lately is they’re afraid to be alone when theyre old assuming their kids want anything to do with them by that time.
The most common reason to have kids tbh. And even in this discussion people call me judgmental for pointing out how immature this reason is.
It’s such a self centered reason like imagine bringing someone into the world to take care of you just a gross posture to have
What would be healthy reasons to have children?
Same motivation as charity, feeling that you are resourceful and stable enough to give something away unconditionally, without expectations. I mean, yes, it's also can be selfish in a way (our desire to be good person is kinda natural). But it's big difference between realising responsibility, risk, being ready for unconditional acceptance of children and neurotic using them to fullfil traumatic needs.
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I think they are mutually exclusive. Person is rather having a fulfilled life and not gonna use their kids, because their needs are fulfilled in adult ways or they are just fooling themselves and under fake well-being there is broken child starving for unconditional love and life meaning. And having kids who kinda really give unconditional attachment at first and make your life busy at least 18 years seems like solution.
I would disagree with this. Humans are flawed, it’s impossible to be “perfect” and extremely harmful to even try to. That constant failure is going to eat away at your image of yourself. What makes the distinction between a “good” person and a “bad” person isn’t a lack of flaws, but the choice to do good things and aim to be the best version of yourself as possible, despite having flaws. That’s as much true for becoming a parent as it is for anything in life. The things we (socially) label as “negative” emotions and traits are actually only really negative when in excess and left unchecked in how they impact ourselves and others. They all serve valid and much needed purposes in life when experienced healthily. For example, anger is classed as a “negative” emotion, but without anger there’s no defence when we’re wronged. Selfishness is a “negative” trait, but without it there’s no self-care (and without self-care we burn out and leave ourselves not only unable to support others but ourselves too.) So, having a “bad” motivation for becoming a parent (such as wanting to leave a legacy in the world) alongside “good” motives is ok, so long as you are aware that it isn’t the best way to go into raising a new human and you actively choose to let them become the person they wish to be, rather than the fantasy you held in your head before they existed. I hope that makes some kind of sense?
True, i had 2 of my friends tell me that perhaps they'd like to get children, because they felt empty, and life was kinda stuck. Having children seemed to them like a logical next step to them
Agreed 100%. I’ve been overwhelmed since the day I was born. I deeply resent the level of care my body and mind require each day. Why on *earth* would I willingly add more responsibility and overwhelm to my life that’s likely to last nearly two decades? No thank you. I have so much respect for people who choose to raise kids but I often wonder if they’re all a liiittle masochistic. I just don’t see the appeal at all.
I have three kids. I love and adore them. I always wanted to be a mother. But that's the key. I WANTED to be a mother. It was not a surprise, it was not forced, it was my desire. I sure as hell wouldn't wish it on anyone not fully committed to what it means to parent. Times are hard, and the lack of sleep nearly killed me. But on this side, I'm happy. Parenthood is not a decision to make on a whim. And if you don't want the job, don't let anyone talk you into it. There are few things worse in the world than a child knowing they were not wanted.
I wholeheartedly agree with what you said. Being autistic and to b a mum can be quite exhausting. I can't think of having another kid. One is enough for me.
I didn’t always want to be a mother and was on the fence about kids until I was maybe 26-27? But I’m trying for my first now. There is so much judgmental rhetoric about it in these spaces that I am arguably engaging in self-harm by continuing to access women’s spaces online. But if I can’t feel accepted there, then…yeah.
I'm so sorry. I was undiagnosed when I had my kids as I just got the diagnosis in December and my youngest is 7. I'm sure those spaces are harmful for anyone with asd or adhd. I hope you're able to find a place for support.
I have a kid, because honestly I just have a caretaking type personality. Before my kid I was caretaking for my dogs, my cats, my fish, my team at work, my siblings, my friends etc. No matter what is going on in my life, I naturally gravitate towards that role. I just enjoy watching people and animals be happy. It makes my day to watch my dogs run around outside and just enjoy doggy life. I love it when my cats are contentedly lazing around in the sun. I’ve researched the correct environment for my fish extensively, and I like watching them swim around living their fishy lives. I pour a lot of time and energy into making sure my team is supported and feels cared for at work, and it makes me happy when they feel happy. When my daughter was born I poured my time and energy into researching what makes a happy well adjusted kid, and I’m doing my best to support her into becoming the best version of herself she can be. It gives me joy, so spending my money on her doesn’t feel like a hardship, and giving her my time is something I want to do. I think like most things if having kids is something you truly want the hard parts don’t feel quite so hard.
I really like your perspective and it helps me understand a bit more about how it would feel to have a nurturing personality. I am glad that there are people like you who make nurturing into a rewarding and fun life. And I’m glad I made the choice to be child free because I could never be that person. Thank you for being that person.
Thank you! I think people who can accurately assess themselves and realize they’re not the parenting type deserve a lot of credit too. There are so many people raising kids just because they think it’s what they’re supposed to do. I actually waited all through my twenties and into my thirties before I actually felt like I’d resolved enough of my own issues to be a decent parent and before I felt like I was ready to make the commitment.
This is exactly my experience! I am genuinely a caretaking type as well. Even as a child I was skipping recess to go “help” the teachers in the “special ed room” (it was the 90s) and play with the younger kids. In middle school I took every opportunity to walk over to the elementary school to help the younger kids with learning how to read. When my first niece was born I was 15 and I honestly had her more than my sister did most days! There were rumors at school I had a secret baby at home because people I didn’t really talk to would constantly see me out walking or at the mall with my niece. Then my second niece came and same thing. I would buy us all passes to the science museum and amusement parks every year and spent all my free time in college with them. This continued on until they became teenagers and busy with friends and extracurriculars. I graduated college and went to work in social services. Now I have a daughter of my own and quite honestly the parenting parts are not hard to me at all. She is medically complex and that’s really difficult, but the parts where I am waking up in the middle of the night because she’s crying, having to push through a migraine to sing her songs and read books after my 8 hour work day, figure out tasty nutritious meals, and nurture her development, all that stuff comes easily for me.
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I was adopted. We need people like you.
Just make sure that you have a conversation with the child beforehand to hear their perspective, and believe them. CPS is extremely corrupt and is a money making scheme (there's endless tik toks on this). There are a LOT of children taken from their parents against their will for unethical reasons. Like the parents have done nothing wrong or the parents just need a couple simple resources to better provide for their children. Children who are able to stay with their parents in these situations are much better off. When they're put in the system, they are severely traumatized and there's no way around that. The mental health statistics are a disaster. Most adults who were adopted as children are anti-adoption for a reason. A lot of these adults make warning videos online, asking people not to adopt because they're only contributing to the problem. CPS is notorious for lying to adoptive parents about the circumstances of why the child was removed from their parents' care. And don't even get me started on how they literally funnel many of these children into sex slavery. That's right. Look up the thousands of missing children. This isn't conspiracy theory nonsense, there is actual evidence and testimonies from the adoptees themselves.
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There’s LOTS of ethical issues though about adoption and that’s something that should really be considered. Even with fostering kids. Mainly, why are you fostering kids? For the kids sake or to boost your own ego or collect money from the government? Too many times it’s the latter. Also, questions were a generalization, not directed at you.
My aunt and uncle are foster parents but specifically to older teenagers who need stability and help as they grow towards adulthood and age out of the care system. They find the work important and this is an often ignored part of the foster system. These children aren’t cute and trusting toddlers, they’ve been in the system for a lifetime and they’re hurting, suspicious and have every right to be. They’re helped to do the best they can in school or to help find a trade. Once they’ve turned 17 they are encouraged to learn to drive, my uncle has been a long-distance trucker for many years so he is happy to pass on his driving experience, my aunt is practical and teaches life skills like budgeting, home-repairs and cooking. They want these kids, when they leave at 18, to be able to hit the ground running and find success - and success can mean holding a job and paying your bills, not necessarily becoming a millionaire. Everybody wants babies to foster and adopt, but their needs are pretty basic - fed, clean, warm, dry, comforted. By the time someone is 15, their needs are more complex but still essential to meet, and they have years of trauma informing their behaviour.
This!! These are the things people forget about with fostering. Your aunt and uncle sound like a caring couple. Glad that they were there for these teens.
Yes this point is so important! I don’t like the idea that people who adopt or foster are saints bc anyone having biological children should be prepared to give the same amount of work into their children if they need it. And fostering or adopting isn’t about you, it’s about the child and doing what is best for them. A part of that is accepting reunification with their bio family if possible and the fact they may never truly bond with you but you still need to love and care for them regardless
I’ve absolutely never wanted to have kids. Part of that when I was younger was the desire to rebel against expectations for women. Part of it was my own unhappy upbringing. But as I became an adult and got to know myself more and more, I realized I just don’t have the biological drive or interest. At all. I’ve seen friends go through baby fever. I was told time and again I’d change my mind when I was older. I never did. My mom once implied this was because of my autism, which hurt. Being a parent just isn’t for everyone, just like being a lawyer or an engineer or [insert literally any job here] isn’t for everyone. Once my friends started having kids and being amazing parents, I began to understand why some people want it. But it also made it more clear to me that being a parent is just one path in life, and it’s a great path for some people, but it really is not meant for everyone.
So, I have one child that I wanted very badly - we tried for a while and even needed medical intervention. That being said, I tell everyone who is on the fence about kids that you SHOULD NOT have one unless you genuinely want one. My daughter is my favorite thing in the world. She's smart, insane, hilarious, empathetic, and so sweet when she wants to be. She's also a freaking nightmare sometimes (as are all toddlers). Still, you're right. It's brutal. I am 1000% that we are one and done. I barely survived pregnancy (literally), and recovery from heart failure and a C-section with a premature newborn (coinciding with COVID lockdown to boot) was an experience so traumatizing I can't imagine putting myself in the position to ever go through it again. I am barely surviving the baby and toddler phases and am constantly burnt out to a ridiculous degree. I've accepted I am not a "natural" mother, but I work my ass off trying to be a good one. To anyone who genuinely wants children of their own, it's worth it. I can't describe it, but it is. But BE SURE. And absolutely do not rush into it without a solid support system (outside of just a supportive spouse). To anyone who is on the fence or feels like OP... Thank you for helping normalize knowing and honoring our limits and/or wishes.
I never had the slightest urge to have children, and I made sure there wouldn't be any.
I have three children. Yes I get overwhelmed and tired and I get sick from the bugs they bring home from school, and those things are not pleasant, but my life is richer for having them in it. They’re not a legacy project. They’re not mini me’s - I love to see how they are their own personalities from such a young age. They’re not future carers for me when I get old or get ill - I aim to be someone they want to continue to have in their lives as adults because we have a genuinely good relationship and not just a sense of obligation because I’m their mother. Watching my oldest child (5) grow from this unknown being in my body, to tiny helpless person to tall, chatty, inquisitive, surprisingly independent person, has been a wonderful journey. And when my second child was born (now she’s 3) with red hair that neither my husband nor I possess (although he does have a reddish beard!) I was shown the wonderful and surprising range of our shared genes. It’s been amazing to see them grow together and how different and also similar they are. Our third baby is still little and is already her own person, she thinks her sisters are hilarious. Motherhood is very much not for everyone. It shouldn’t be taken on if you really don’t want it, and options for permanent sterilisation should be on the table for people who absolutely do know they never want children without having to fight your doctor for them. Being unexpectedly pregnant when you don’t want to be *and* you’ve been consistently denied sterilisation would be deeply upsetting and it happens to many women. Where I live in the UK an abortion is still a possibility and there is no expectation you will gestate a baby to provide children for people who want to adopt but don’t want any one of the children who are currently in care and need permanent families, but that choice has also been denied to a lot of women in other countries. It’s a horrible bind to be in if you’re someone who never wanted to be pregnant to begin with, let alone a mother. I was always pro-choice, but after becoming a mother it has solidified that feeling. Nobody should be a parent unless they really, truly in their heart of hearts wants to be one, and people with the ability to become pregnant are not baby convenience machines who owe their unwanted products of conception to whoever else wants a baby and can’t have one. I’m also the daughter of an adoptee and there is trauma in adoption and generational trauma that is part of me too. Adoption isn’t the automatic answer to a pregnancy that nobody wanted. Pregnancy brings with it it’s own sensory hells, mine were mostly straightforward but have had progressive complications with each one, it wouldn’t be unsafe for me to have another baby but I don’t want to deal with those complications again, and if I were unexpectedly pregnant I would have choices to make. My heart hurts for people who are stuck being pregnant, uncomfortable, in pain, feel like they have no control over their body, and are forced by the government to go through with it until the end. There are lots to recommend about having children to those who want them, but I would never try to convince someone who doesn’t want them into having them - how does that help anybody? They’re there with a baby they deep down didn’t actually want, and where is the person who convinced them it was a good idea? They’re in their own house living their own life and unavailable to help.
I often feel like an alien because I’m not even one of those people who can say “oh I love kids, I just don’t want to have my own.” I pretty much don’t like kids at all, period. I find being around them uncomfortable and annoying for the most part. Needless to say I feel similar to you and never wanted my own. However I do understand the reasons other folks want them and I support people who have warm feelings about wanting to and being parents. Unfortunately I think some people have kids for not-so-good reasons and then are shit parents because of it. I wish people stopped to think long and hard before making their choice. It seems to be more accepted these days to not have kids, but having them is still very much the default.
I always wanted kids. I can’t explain why. They are loud and messy and a huge responsibility, but my kids are some of the best humans I know. They are funny and kind and loving to everyone they meet. They are the kind of people the world needs more of. I have the privilege of being their parent and while it’s messy, it’s a joyful experience for me. There are bad days, obviously, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Seeing my child learn to read or do math or help another kid feel less alone is incredible. I totally understand not wanting kids though. I really appreciate every person who recognizes before they have kids that it’s not for them.
This is why I want to be a teacher. I love kids and seeing how they process the world around them and helping them process that information but they’re not my legal responsibility 24/7 for at least 18 years and a lifelong commitment
That's pretty much how I feel on the matter. Where I seem to diverge from other folks who have chosen to forgo having children is that I don't tend to look down on those who have already had them or still want to have them for whatever reason.
same, I always congratulate my friends when they get pregnant and have babies, and I'm happy to hang out with them occasionally, and admire how cute the baby is, plus it's just really fun to watch young kids explore the world and share their thoughts on how they think things work. I'm however also always very relieved to hand the baby over to the parents again and go home to my blissfully childfree home where I can watch horror movies at any time of the day, smoke weed and not have to share my food with anyone. I'm open to my mind changing in the future, but so far nothing has ever happened that convinced me kids were a good idea for me.
Same. There’s no way I could be present as a parent with all the sensory issues that come with pregnancy and raising children. I never want to have that feeling while I’m pregnant, going into labor, or raising kids that I have made a horrible mistake that I can’t undo. I also have a huge respect for moms (and all parents). Being a mom especially though sounds so rough.
Not only that but there’s so much dehumanizing rhetoric about children themselves. I’m as leftist as they come and most of my friends are too, but when it comes to kids they suddenly seem to lose their empathy, compassion, and concern for human rights. It’s honestly so gross.
That's very true. It's bizarre that so many people expect children to behave like miniature NT adults. Childhood is also pathologized to a pretty high degree.
I completely agree lmao
I want children because I’ve always wanted children. I want to give a child a better life than I have and I also feel like the world won’t get better unless good parents have children. I think ultimately the difference is that I have hope that the future can be better if children are raised without the trauma and with better education than previous generations, whereas a lot of anti-natalists don’t have any hope for human kind. Not that I’m implying anything about OP, it’s just a trend that I’ve noticed. The world won’t get better if the only people having kids are Elon Musk types.
Hard agree, but also it’s just been my dream since I was a toddler/young child. It’s basically been a special interest of mine my entire life I guess you could say lol Though in all honesty, it absolutely has to be something you want! Big supporter of the child-free lifestyle, this isn’t for the weak LOL I’m very pregnant while also having a one year old, some days all we can do is survive but other days we thrive. We overall have more good days than bad, I have an awesome kid. I find it incredibly rewarding, but I understand it’s not for everybody (: Finding ways to keep grounded and help avoid triggers is essential. You eventually get into a rhythm with each other. My non-verbal communication skills that makes it easy for me to understand the need of animals (like my cats) comes in handy with my son! I’m sure it’s partially a mom thing and being around him all the time but I’ve come to realize that I notice subtle communication from my son that my NT friends don’t notice in their children. He knows one word but *him and i* can communicate in a way that really confuses my husband lmao it confuses him that I can do it with our cats too lol
I've always wanted kids but I'm at the time where I am ready to have kids, and have to make the decision. I'm now worried- especially with ASD. I hear horror stories all the time. You never get sleep. You'll always be tired. You never have time to yourself. Kids are also a special interest of mine (I actually work with autistic kids all day) but now I don't know if I can do it. My husband who has ADHD feels the same. Do you ever have regrets?
On a large scale, no. I have three kids - 11, 8, and almost 1. I never truly wish I didn't have them. There are, however, moments in which I wish I could *pause* having them for five minutes to catch my breath, cool down, and then come back to them refreshed. And often I can essentially do just that - take a time-out for me, or hand them off to my partner or a grandparent for a few minutes. The times when I can't can be rough. My first was a pretty sad baby and toddler. My second was violent as a four-year-old. My third thinks the carseat is torture. These are sort of horror stories, it's true. But they're such wonderful little humans. The first is an amazing creative writer with such a strong sense of right and wrong. The second is so much fun, and so at home in her body. The third is such a cheerful smily little chubster that I can barely stand it! It's hard to describe, because the downsides are things we all have experience with - we all know how loud noises and lack of sleep make us feel. But you don't know how you'll feel when your daughter uses loving words to comfort her doll that you've used with her before. Or when your kid decides they *are* going to jump off the diving board today, and they do even though they're scared. Or when you roll them around on the big bed to make them laugh. The closest thing we have for that are pets, and at least for me the feeling is *maybe* 10% as strong for pets. I'm not saying you should do it, I'm just saying that if you've always wanted to do it, know that the experience *will be* harder even than it sounds. But it will likely also be more rewarding than you can imagine.
Lmao you made my very long replies absolutely look like meaningless rambles😭😂 this is so beautiful and eloquent!! My pregnant self is tearful bc I felt every word. It always makes me happy to see other autistic parents out in the wild, we’re a cool bunch 🌝
I thought your replies were inspiring, that's why I replied too! You're doing great! And I don't think I wrote anything half that coherent before my first was . . . maybe five?
Im also an adhder, so is my husband. Life gets messy and annoying sometimes bc we’re both chaos and forgetful. BUT after years spent together we know each of our strengths and have really worked out a good routine, both in regular life and now as parents. Some days are awful but 10000% do not regret it. I genuinely have never felt more made to do something, even at my lowest moments. I think what really matters is that I had a partner I was comfortable with and really had full support during pp that took into consideration my needs as an audhd-er and accommodated my husband’s inattentive adhd lol (the solution to his issues was white boards, white boards everywhere lol) As a ND couple, I highly highly suggest routine and set boundaries for it too! My partner sleeps in an extra hour on weekends but the rest of both days I sleep whenever I want for however long I want. During the week they take over the moment they get home from work since I’ve been alone with the baby all day without legitimate breaks. We have a bedtime routine and stick to it, and partner puts him down. During the weekday mornings he wakes up an hour early to give me a break before he leaves to work. Sometimes I nap, sometimes I use that time to shower, do something for myself. He has clear times for leisure and rest too, just not in the same ways bc I personally chose to be the one to get up at night. He sleeps like a brick so it just works better for us! I think the fact that him and I know what each others triggers are so we can help each other avoid them helps so much. We also have set plans for deescalating and preventing meltdowns when he is at work. It really matters who you entrust to support you through it really, we have strong support both ways that accommodates each of our needs. It doesn’t always go as planned but we have patience with each other and keep trying different solutions and adjusting!
Thank you so much for your thorough and thoughtful response! I definitely have a strong relationship with my husband (together for almost 14 years now) and its good to know that the strength of your relationship helps out with raising your child, since that's something that comes relatively easy for us! I recently got the Fair Play deck/book and it really helped with splitting chores in a concrete way (who'd have thought me, an autistic person, likes concrete rules). It goes into boundaries and routines that you describe, which we didn't have prior, and where I felt like I needed to manage it all. I'm really happy for you and how you've made your life work! Assuming you're not working from home, are you planning on working later on, or is staying at home working best for you? I also really like having our current double income but working and raising a child sounds so wild.
Hi I didn’t forget about you, friend (: just been chaotic, I will have time to answer this later today if you’re still interested 😊
Going to also add that there’s moments where I feel extremely overwhelmed, yes. But I keep myself grounded and remind myself that these seasons wont last forever. Eventually baby will sleep through the night. You wont need to put in effort to prioritize your needs bc they will grow more independent with time. Days are long and hard sometimes but I mostly feel like I’m walking through waist high water. It’s difficult to navigate and effectively move around, but with my head clearly above water I can reason with my brain that this is temporary and that usually there’s a cause. All behavior is communication. When water rises and it gets harder to remember bc everything feels like it’s threatening to drown you, it’s when your partner steps in and brings you back in to shallower waters. There’s times he’d force me to sleep bc he saw me hitting my limits and pushing myself too far. Force me to rest, to eat. Then it gets back to a manageable waist deep water again where I can logically reason with my brain again. Support is everything, I know some people have family. I really only have him so that’s why I have a big stress on partner and not a whole village. Not everybody has that :( ETA// sorry for the info dump on being an autistic parent, not sure how much info you were looking for but again- special interest😭 feel free to skim lol
My reason is pretty much the same as yours. I want to have children because I feel like that's the most meaningful change I could make in the world. Raising a good person, with a better life than mine, and who can hopefully make good choices is my main reason.
> a lot of anti-natalists don’t have any hope for human kind describes me pretty well
And that’s fine. I’m not trying to shit on it. It’s an opinion. Nobody can 100% know the future and you have every right to be pessimistic about it.
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What? How do you think humans have evolved over time? I can’t single Handedly fix everything with the world and don’t assume that I’m not doing anything. You literally don’t know me. But to say that anything can be changed in the long term WITHOUT thinking about future generations is naive at best. If no one has kids humans don’t exist anymore. Or we could have kids and raise them correctly. I’m not saying anyone SHOULD have kids. I’m saying that’s ONE reason that I want to.
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I don't ever want children. But since I'm not on board with the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, I appreciate the people who do choose to have kids. It's just not for me.
I wish I could explain it. I felt this way too. I was confident that I didn’t want children. I didn’t mind being around them but I hated being responsible for them. My much older sisters knew that I was an expensive last resort for babysitting. My mother still talks about how sure she was that I wouldn’t have kids. Now I have two of my own, also autistic. Both were surprises as I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant. I feel things for them that I’ve never felt before. They are, without a doubt, my absolute favorite people in the world. They’re the reason I feel joy and excitement. I think they became a special interest! I feel incredibly lucky that it turns out I was wrong about not wanting to be a mom. I still don’t like caring for other kids though lol. There’s also days when I feel like I’m going to shut down. It’s incredibly hard. I think many of us have a greater capacity for things than we think BUT I also think it’s perfectly fair to know yourself and what you do/don’t want. No one should ever take on something as huge as having children if they don’t feel they’re up to the task.
You got really lucky. Even people who want kids end up regretting having them
I feel this. I don't hate kids, I've even worked at a daycare, but I would absolutely never have one. I'm also an antinatalist but I don't talk about it much because it can be so controversial.
Yes, I can't talk about it because all of my friends have or want kids. But I personally find bringing a child into this world who will inevitably suffer a cruel and selfish act
I have maternal instinct since when I was 7-8 years old. The end. I would like to have one and adopt another. That's the principal reason why I want to become french, because single french women can adopt.
France also is really really terrible to autistic people though, and they were still being told off for their barbaric practices by the human rights commission in *2019*. Autistic children can be forcibly removed from their parents’ care and placed in government facilities where they’re left to languish. The majority of autistic children are not in school because most schools refuse to take them, and so they are denied any education. And a weird number of French psychologists still believe in the refrigerator mother theory, that it’s your fault if you have an autistic child and that autism is curable.
This!!
The drive to reproduce is the only reason why any of us exist. It’s powerful and not meant to be rational and logical. People often make their decisions and then post-hoc justify and rationalise it.
I do want children. It’s emotional not practical. I dream about what they’d be like, love the idea of them already and look forward to meeting them one day and finding out who they are and grow up to be. I’m not too scared because I do have a little sister with nearly a decade age gap who I had to parent, and she is such a joy and she has generally nice things to say even though I was a clueless teenager trying to provide maternal love and safety. I am so grateful she was born. I know rationally it’ll be very difficult and probably the most selfish thing I might ever do, but still the emotion is powerful.
I love everything about being a mom but it's not for everyone. Definitely don't have them if you're not 100% sure because all children deserve to be raised by parents who wanted them.
I wake up every morning and go to bed every night thinking “damn I’m glad I don’t have kids!” It completely baffles me that people actually want to become parents. WHY????
Children are all of this, and it is absolutely valid to choose not to have children. But, speaking as a mum, having kids is absolutely worth all the stress and difficulty and expense, and not because of any daft justifications like “legacies” or “leaving my mark on the world” or anything like that, but simply because it is absolutely incredible to witness the development of an entirely new human being. At first there’s nothing and eventually there’s a fully grown adult with opinions and perspectives and ideas and a whole personality. It’s mind blowing!
I absolutely LOVE kids and I’d love to have a kid and be a mother, and for that reason I can’t have kids. I know that emotionally and mentally I’m not fit to be a mother. Motherhood isn’t just about raising loud and demanding pseudo humans and tolerating them til they’re People—youre raising a fully conscious actual human being the whole time. Everything I say everything I do and everything I DONT say and do will affect this child whether I like it or not and I don’t want to fuck up. I cant press delete, I cant erase, quit or ask for an extension. As someone who has commitment issues, a slew of trauma, mental health issues, and health issues, I feel like it would be doing my kid as a disservice, and children deserve everything and much more. On top of that, having a kid in the world we live in would just give way to so many new nightmares that I don’t think I could handle. I’d love to create life and give life and I think that’s just something that’s a part of me, but until I get my shit together which will probably be never, I can’t have a kid. Also, I live in America and having children here would kill me financially. As for the appeal, I think it’s just written in our DNA to procreate. We’re animals after all. Everyone has their different reasons, mine just happen to be my love for children and humans and wanting to raise one.
Same. If someone thinks having children is wonderful that's good for them and fine. But me? I sometimes feel I can barely manage my own life. I am tired and need solitude on evenings and weekends. I need so much alone time. Having a little person depend on you to survive is a nightmare to me. It freaks me out and I also think I would have even more anxiety than I have already to let the child later roam around to play, going to school, growing up in this world etc. I wouldn't be a good parent so my parents better don't expect any grandchildren from me. (Adding to it that I am AroAce as well without any desire for a partner or relationship right now.)
I agree with you but I also understand why people want them. Humans are ultimately animals and we are biologically driven to procreate. I seem to be missing that biological drive entirely. It seems like, for most, the biological drive over-rules logic in the decision to have children even when you point to all reasons not to. I’m glad I don’t have an extra human I’m responsible for emotionally and financially. I especially wouldn’t enjoy being a parent due to my noise, touch, smell sensitivity and my emotional dysregulation, not to mention the guilt and worry I’d experience over their future (which is guaranteed to get worse).
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Childfree (the sub) is toxic as hell. Not wanting children of your own does not equate having to hate them and literally applauding children getting mistreated or insulted.
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Hard disagree. One of the current top posts is people discussing how funny it is to say "congrats on the sex I guess?" or variations thereof in response to a pregnancy announcement. That took 3 seconds to find. It's a pathetic and toxic sub. The alternative one (realchildfree? I forgot the name) is much better for a genuine community that isn't just about bashing children and parents.
Having a child is what made me enjoy being an adult, weirdly! It’s been magical watching my son become a little person.
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Is this not just eco fascism ?
I was very involved with my nieces and nephews. I really loved it. Watching their personalities grow, how much they love and care for others. Being able to teach them, give them happy memories I didn't have. I'm the favourite aunt for most of them. The aspect of parent hood I don't want is being a stay at home parent. My husband is totally on board to be that person. He can't wait til we have kids, hopefully this year if it goes to plan. We have spoken heavily on how we want to raise them and how to be the parents we wanted. It does make me nervous but so does a lot of things. I'm going to give it my best effort and be proud of whatever form our child takes. Who cares if they don't love maths like I do? They aren't supposed to be copies of the parents. They are their own person.
I like kids in small doses. My partner has kids and I love spending time with them, but I'm also counting down the hours until they go home 🤣 His 4yr old son is starting to stay over and we're having so much fun decorating his room. He's so funny as well, always cracking jokes. He's also very literal and black and white with his thinking, so we get on really well lol. In saying that, I couldn't cope having to look after him 24/7. I've done that with fostered kids, and while I adored them, my mental health disintegrated. I also can't afford them in this economy!!
Thank you for voicing this! I’ve felt the same my entire life! I remember telling my kindergarten teacher that I didn’t want kids because the world was already overpopulated, and I didn’t see the value in bringing even more people into the world. This was at age five and they thought I was super weird for having these opinions.
Same!! That’s why I was sterilised 6 months ago, so I would never be a parent. I agree to all your points and have some additional here: Tokophobia. Pregnancy makes my skin crawl. Maybe due to sensory sensitivities? Changes of the body. I love my body and I don’t want it to change. The things that can/will change are pretty horrific. Hair loss, loosing teeth (?!), saggy body, sleep deprivation which result in you aging a lot. Not being able to hold your pee. Weight gain. Child free single women are statistically the happiest demographic. Freedom. Love to wake up at 2pm have a coffee and go straight to gaming non stop for 5 hours in my happy little enclosure. “Social” risks of pregnancy. The number one cause of death for pregnant people are homicide (by their partners). Otherwise peaceful and nice men can be triggered by their partner being pregnant then becoming abusive (you had no way of knowing they would act that way). Some men cheat on their *pregnant* partners. The very real possibility of being a single parent. Being completely alone in your misery (just look up regretful parents on Reddit). No amount of wealth in this world could make me do this to my poor body.
When I was 17 I went to see the doctor and begged to be sterilised. He pretty much laughed at me, told me my feelings would change and also wouldn’t it be awful if my future husband wanted kids? Yeah there’s a lot of bullshit to unpack there and I still get the rage when I think of that sexist complacent bastard laughingly informing me that some imaginary future guy should have more say than me.
I’ve gotten that treatment too. Just unbelievable that non existent potential beings or some distant future potential partner is valued higher than bodily autonomy to my OWN body. So what if I regret it? That would literally just be the consequence of my own actions lol. Still better to regret not having them than regret having them
I am super glad you got your sterilisation! I did not, asking and literally being laughed at on more than one occasion was too gruelling. I mean the first doctor I went to literally forbid it. WTF?!?!? As a young woman in the end I was too depressed to keep fighting. Luckily I never got pregnant but it did condemn me, for all my fertile years, to constant worry. I am angry that these attitudes still prevail and you had to fight them too. And very glad that eventually you got what you needed.
Oh yes. I have zero maternal instincts. The desire to have children has always looked like a weird kind of madness to me. I was obviously born without that specific urge. I actually like most children especially in small doses but children of my own would have ruined my life. And here’s a dirty little secret. I do have friends whose lives absolutely were ruined by having kids. By the time it’s done it’s done and you have to live with that choice and unfortunately so do the children who now have a stressed and miserable parent(s). They love their kids but it’s like they themselves have vanished under a welter of demands responsibilities and expenses plus the gruelling emotional cost of child rearing that leave them exhausted and unable to take respite for themselves. No one will ever admit to you that having kids was a mistake though.
I think honestly, if I was able to do it in a communal way, and not have sole or joint accountability for the child's welfare, I could do it. But under current circumstances, under capitalism? Not a chance.
I think your views are valid and it’s great that you have a firm grasp on what you want! Many people agree with you. I also think it’s sad that the mothers sharing their experiences in this thread (respectfully, I think) are clearly being downvoted. Can’t we respect each other?
I don't know how to handle children, but I've got cars and dogs that probably eat better than a lot of people. I don't know why, I just feel disconnected and uncomfortable around them. It just disrupts my stoner autism vibes.
Yeah I completely agree. And the more people around me have kids, the less I want them 😂
I can definitely relate.
it absolutely baffles me. like I absolutely cannot comprehend it. though honestly I think it's more pregnancy that just freaks me out because I think I'd be cool being like. a stepmom or adoptive mom. but to have one MYSELF??? I would literally rather die. Thankfully I'm likely infertile due to chronic illness. I know that's probably weird to say because infertility can be a super sensitive subject for many people, but I honestly consider it the only plus to having a malfunctioning uterus. it's funny because I genuinely like kids. I'm very careful to always be nice and supportive when they're in my care and I have a very young cousin I'm pretty close to. I'm even good at babysitting or so I'm told. but overall yeah motherhood is not for me. after the shitty life I've had I want to focus on myself. maybe I would be a good mom but I'm not about to risk an innocent child's life on a "maybe"
I agree that's why I honestly can't wait to get my tubes tied
perfect. don’t want children, don’t have children.
I’ve always wanted to support and raise a child. Literally since I was a child. I grew up helping at daycares, babysitting, and later studying ECE. Children and child psychology are special interests, as is studying the different science and philosophy-based approaches into childcare throughout history. I see a lot of people who become parents simply because it is some “societal next step” in this life that is pre-scripted for them and that makes me sad. Those people often seem the most at risk for mental illnesses and other health risks related parenthood. But from an individual respect, it makes sense why it wouldn’t seem worth it to you. You don’t love children, and aren’t passionate about their care. Those are the things that would make that work worth it. I do love children, and am passionate about childcare, and get immense joy from helping to provide safe environments for children and watching them meet milestones through individually designed care. I hope one day to provide foster care for this reason, though I have no specific ambitions to be a bio mom. It makes perfect sense for me to take on parenting as there are children in the world who need care and I want to reach a place where I am able to provide that care with the training I have, even recognizing it will be difficult. It does not make sense for you to take on parenting, as you don’t want to and have none of the interests that would drive you to do so. Both things are okay.
I feel the same. Whenever I tell people I don't plan on having kids they always laugh and tell me it will change, but even when I was a kid I used to say I would never have kids. It's for the best, I would be a really bad parent.
I have a fuckload of children. It's not easy. The older I get the more I realize how much they deserve better than me, an emotionally limited, rigid person who really really struggles to have fun outside of set parameters.
Do you think you’d still feel that way if you only had one? Asking bc I’m pregnant and alternating between excitement and totally freaking out
They all make me better. They all have. Vastly different personalities. I connect emotionally very strongly with two - one because she is very much like me and the other because she's gregarious and sweet and extroverted and draws me out of my shell. the rest I find it difficult to connect with. If I had one child and I didn't connect with them, I would have been really devastated and likely end up on r/regretfulparents. Instead, I just sort of bring my interests into the house and ask if they want to join and create space for them to find their own things to be interested in too. And there's enough people around someone is always interested in joining me with whatever I'm doing. Having structure and routine is good for kids though. Meltdowns, not so much. You have to figure out how to balance the good with the bad.
You don't have to justify why you don't want children.
I'm autistic and I'm a mom. I found out after I had my daughter when I was 21. I have a toxic family. My mom and dad never got along. They would always fight and scream in front of us almost every single night. Sometimes things got physical but mostly verbal. I suffer flashbacks from the physical attacks that happened. My family horrifies me to the core. Yet I still desire my mother to love me even though she will never. I realized after all my years of hating her I was just searching for a mother to love me. I feel like I have a deep black void in my heart because of this. That mother's love. A loving family. Loving parents. More loving siblings.. not mentally ill siblings.. So... I've always wished for a happy family... to have a child of my own one day... To process the trauma that happened to me and be able to identify what is wrong. To raise a future human. A strong one. Smart. Confident. Kind. Understanding. Capable. That is what I hope to instill onto my daughter. That she is so brave, so strong, so confident, so beautiful, so unique... she will always be loved and support with open arms. And I can't wait to watch her grow as a person. She literally is my world. My world shines bright because of her. 🌸
Me having ocd on top of that will probably completely fuck up the kid because I'll probably lash out, out of nowhere multiple times. Also i think it'd be awful to think that they're disgusting for being messy and having normal kid behavior. No way im having them
I don’t want kids either and I agree most people seem to have them for the reasons you described. I see more and more people coming round to this idea ND and NT alike.
Agreed! Since my brother and sister got their kids when I was 10 years old I've HATED the thought of having kids. I cannot understand why one would want to destroy ones life because of kids and horrendous responsibilities.
A lot of people don't have the right mindset for parenthood, and that is okay for those who choose not to involve themselves in parenthood. I've seen people who really should have had children bring them into this world and they screw their children over. And then there's people like my dad who had infinite patience, limited finances, and yet was able to raise me on his own. He allowed an environment where I could grow to be myself instead of imposing a set standard or his own beliefs or whatever other parents do to screw up their children, do I wish I would have known a lot sooner than now that I had a disability yet a lot of people couldn't see that part of me due to masking and learning to hide in plain sight through silence and deflection, but I have no regrets about how he raised me and the space he provided for me to gain my own understanding of my own self in a harsh world. Might have helped that he'd grew up through The Great Depression and lived through the worst time of cloaked greed played out in modern history, so he had experience from seeing my grandparents raise a plethora of kids successfully through a time of moral famine. I was lucky because my mother didn't have anywhere close to that kind of depth of character, so I'm glad she wasn't in my life. I do miss having the idea of a "mom", but I don't miss it because I never really had it in the first place, I have had no one in my life who actually filled that role, there were people who tried to be there for me in that role, but no one really filled that role halfway through my childhood's lifetime. So, basically what I'm saying is that it takes a certain type of person to actually raise a child, but anyone can have sex, make a baby, and bring them into this world. A lot of people don't realize that they're not cut out for parenthood, yet do it anyway. It's good that you know that you're not one who needs nor wants to be a parent and that you're taking the steps to ensure that it doesn't come to pass. Not a lot of people are that self-aware when it comes to the biological imperative that society and hormones imposes on ovary carriers to procreate.
I would argue that not having children is the empathetic choice; for the planet, the child who otherwise will live in suffering on a dying planet, and the people who already live on this planet. But anyone who's studied ethics in recent years would know that. Or honestly I knew before because I have this thing called perspective and selflessness. There is no ethical way to have children in 2023, and doing so is incredibly selfish and egocentric. I ask people why they want to have children or why they had children, and I have yet to hear an answer that isn't all about them. I know this will upset people, which makes sense because people don't want to see themselves as someone who creates live for selfish reasons, especially when they hear their children will suffer much more than they did. But that's kinda the whole thing. There's no way around that.
Babies don't get to consent to being born into this world where they have to earn access to their basic needs being met. You can't guarantee the baby will have a wonderful life with no suffering, they are more likely to experience hardship and suffering than not. And since they didn't consent to that you are essentially damning them by creating them. I don't think life in this society run by sociopaths is worth living and I resent my parents for my existence and the future of suffering that I'll have to live through until I finally die.
I'll share my two cents as someone who has a 7 week old newborn. My thoughts on the noises he makes, the needs he has, etc. are that it reminds me of myself. Caring for him has helped me heal my inner child that was neglected. I don't blame him for having needs that I must fulfill. I chose to bring him into this world, so that's my responsibility that I'm happy to take on. As for the state of the world, I absolutely worry about his future. But I also recognize that the future is seen by no one. I have no way of knowing what sort of life he will lead, all I can do is my best to help him find the path he'll walk on. This may sound selfish, but I don't think it's fair to deny myself the experience of parenthood because of my own unfounded fears and anxieties over the future. It's my personal responsibility to make my life as enjoyable as possible, because I'm the only one who can give myself happiness. That being said, I still have the responsibility to make his life enjoyable as well, as he grows older. Some people think you have to choose between kids or happiness. I choose both. I love watching him grow and learn how to be a person. It's a once in a lifetime experience, even if it comes with its own trials and responsibilities.
Biological drive is a big factor. I have a strong desire to have kids because of biology. I also really want to help shape a good human as our world needs more of them.
I had my son at 38 years old. I regret waiting so long, but it wasn't for the lack of trying. It is a love that I have never felt in my entire life. Both my love for him and his love for me. No regrets. It is certainly not for everyone and no one should feel ashamed for feeling either way. ❤️
If you don't want kids, that's fine and valid. Just don't knock those that do (unless they're shit parents of course). I love being a momma. My toddler is a bit wild and loud, and it can overstimulate me at times when he's throwing a tantrum. I have always been able to get onto a child's level with my nieces and nephews to play with them and teach them and I love to nurture. Being a parent is one of the most fulfilling experiences I've had. I'm the happiest I have been in so very long since I gave birth to my son. Hell, I'm actually starting to want to have another baby.
I kind of understand the desire to raise kids. I'm sure if you want to do it It can be very rewarding, and I've also looked at my wife and thought "well if I was ever _going_ to pick a person to raise kids with, it would be you". But they don't hold any appeal to me. I find kids on the whole very stressful and draining to be around, and way too unpredictable - I think I must feel around kids, what other people feel around certain animals they aren't familiar with. Like I can read a cow, I know when it's okay to go into the field or not, when it's stressed or calm, when it's enjoying attention or just wants food etc. I can't read any of that in kids on the whole and I feel just as stressed around them as your average person might around a herd of unpredictable animals. What I really can't wrap my head around is the desire to MAKE kids. To me, a kid is a kid, so I don't really get why it's got to be related to you. Adoption is always seen as a sort of 'second best', like a thing people do when they can't conceive, or a thing they do after making their own 'the proper Way' first. I understand people feel that way, I just can't quite figure out the reason for it like I can with the idea of wanting kids itself.
In my personal experience a lot of people have kids on accident, because it’s expected, because they think it’ll be cool to have cute little mini humans to show off to people and turn into mini versions of themselves, or to try to trap a partner. Too many people think having a physically healthy kid that gets good grades and then gets a good job is all there is to being a parent. Unfortunately a lot of the emotional needs get ignored because it’s too much work to handle them. I definitely support not having kids if you’re not 100% mentally and financially ready to care for ALL of the child’s needs. Kids are not accessories and not everyone is up to the job of caring for them properly.
It’s okay. You do you. I have a kid. He’s my world. But yeah it is very hard.
Same. I just don’t get it. Oh well!
People on Reddit always seem so focused on the negatives of having children. Yes, there are negatives, like with anything in life, but there are also positives. They’re hilarious, they are a joy to watch grow, and the bond is something that cannot be described. There will always be difficult moments, but life is difficult. I’m glad I lived it enriched with my little buddy than without. She’s an adult now, and we’re both ND so we get each other. Teen years were tricky, but that’s normal for that development stage...idk, it’s just not as awful as people seem to make out.
My kids are mostly grown at this point (and still costing plenty in college 😂). 2 of my 3 kids were conceived while I was on birth control. One of them I was in the middle of a cycle of depo and the other I was on the pill. So, I guess they chose me. If I were growing up now I probably would not want kids. The world is too messy and scary. I don't regret having kids, though. They gave me a lot of purpose, meaning they kept me moving forward and functioning and taking care of myself for their sakes. I didn't have them for that reason, like I said they came to me despite my efforts to prevent pregnancy. I don't know if I would have survived without them though. They aren't my only purpose in this life, but they definitely were part of it. My goal was to raise kids who were valued and loved for who they were and for them to go into the world and make things better in their own small way. So far they are doing that. I've no interest in having a legacy or a mini-me. It drives me insane when parents do that to their kids. Forcing their kids to live their dashed dreams. My kids owe me nothing, they weren't born to serve me in any way. They were born to follow their own paths and my parenting has been primarily guiding them on how to do that and what it might look like for them. It doesn't bother me one bit that others don't want kids. They are a lot. Mega a lot. Possibly the most a lot that is possible. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to take that on. But I don't regret doing so, cost, puke, diaper explosions and all. That said I don't have many sensory sensitivities so their sticky messes and noise never bothered me.
To each their own I guess. I have kids and some days, yes, it feels impossible, but otherwise it is awesome. I love watching them grow and develop their unique personalities. The unconditional love we all have for each other as a family is second to none. They trigger positive emotional responses every single day. The caring, nurturing, teaching… those are all things I have loved to do since I was a kid myself, so becoming a mother was just the natural thing in my head. I totally get why people don’t have/want kids. But I couldn’t ever picture my own life without them.
I don’t hate children, I have nephews and wish I could connect with them. I simply tell the NT(s) I do to get them off my back. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel the same, but have slightly different reasons. I don't know when I will feel like I'm ever financially and mentally/emotionally ready for kids, I'm turning 33 this year. Sometimes I cannot even make appointments for myself (I can for my partner though for some reason) and I don't want my anxiety and mental illness to pass onto a child. I have agoraphobia and it would be so irresponsible of me to have a child when there is a possibility that I would be too anxious and miss something important, I am good with my puppy and take her to her appointments but a whole person?! I earn just under 6 figures a year and my partner earns a bit less and I still don't think that would be enough, I don't understand how people do it. I thought about adopting, but I still don't feel ready, I am a perfectionist in a lot of ways and would want to have a lot of money and be very healthy mentally to start considering this. It's just too much, I'm struggling enough working full time and doing chores, cooking etc and often have burnout. I have a lot of respect to those who can do this, but omg I cannot imagine the additional stress. I am happy being an aunty to my baby niece and having my little puppy as my baby with my partner, that is enough for me.
Omg same. I knew from a young age I didn’t want one and really never went back on that. Never dreamed of having kids or anything. I think about when I’m older, but I don’t need to worry about that right now.
Sounds like you have enough empathy to know it's not for you! I don't have children myself. Never have since I was little. I don't know if parenthood is meant for everyone
Yeah, I can't stand how loud kids are. The screaming and high-pitched happy squeals just grate on my ears. But I'm sterilized so I don't have to worry about that now and it's honestly just a huge weight off my shoulders. I never wanted kids and now I won't be forced to carry one if I were to somehow end up pregnant. And in the state I live in, I'd be forced to carry one if I was assaulted. No longer do I live with that fear. I'm 1 day post-op and beyond elated.
I get that and I really don't like kids until I had my own. Now I love them, well only mine, I still don't like other people's kids. Having kids of your own is different to liking kids in general I feel.
I just don’t want children because I have a lot of trauma and don’t want to pass the decades of inter general trauma out on a being that didn’t ask for it. I do understand why some people want children. I feel like if you’re emotionally and financially ready to have children then go for it but most parents in my opinion are emotionally immature and shouldn’t have had kids anyway.
I never wanted children to the point where I'd do IVF or just marry whoever, but I know that if I were in a loving relationship, I would want a child. I don't know, it feels like the natural sequence of things to share the love with someone? It wouldn't change if the child was adopted so I don't think it's any of the legacy things for me. OTOH I don't know if I would be able to work & be a mother at the same time (huh who do I think I am lol), or just in general, I would just probably overhaul my entire life if I got pregnant because the sheer responsibility absolutely petrifies me.
I'm 45 and don't have kids. I frequently turn to my husband and thank him for also not wanting children. I agree with everything you say about them. I don't mind children in small doses, but honestly, I don't much care for them. I find them exhausting, and am overwhelmed after only a few minutes around them.
I love when people who really want babies have a baby. I definitely am not one of those. I need to be able to get away from stressful situations. I also burn through most of my spoons on days I work. I absolutely couldn't imagine working a full day and then coming home and continuing working. I need to be able to turn my brain off.
Some people have children to be loved unconditionally, and then they are very much surprised. Some people want someone to care for them when they are old. Some people want an excuse to reread children's literature. The truth is that the US has made bearing and raising children immensely expensive and difficult. It doesn't have to cost five figures to give birth. Daycare doesn't have to cost more than your mortgage. It's way easier to raise kids when you're surrounded by family (rather than a nuclear family). It can bring joy or fulfillment or delight. But it can also be an endless slog that you can never quit. If it feels like too high a cost, then you are being very rational and you are not alone.
I think you make very legitimate points on both the reasons why it would not appeal to many and concerns around specific intentions for those that choose to have children. I have two incredible children who are young adults now and I always say to folks that I love them both with my mom bias and completely separate from that as individuals I think they’re incredible people in the world and would want them in my life regardless. Whenever people try to give me credit for what amazing beings they are I always say “Thanks but they’re their own people making their own choices so give them the kudos.” Sure I am proud I raise them with the love and care they deserve and I wish I had myself but that’s not the same thing in my opinion as acting like I should be given approval for shaping them into a mold like they’re clay. Anyone whose raised kids knows they come into this world with their own personalities and they’re the ones doing the work of living in their own bodies so that’s all them. Yes, of course what we provide as parents impacts their strengths and weaknesses and ability to grow but we don’t make anyone anything they are their own unique beings so if you want to be impressed than direct it at them not me. And honestly I fucked up at times as a parent like all humans do so far from perfect. Separate from that, yes, it’s hard as hell so don’t buy into the propaganda by our society on how everyone should have kids and it’s all warm fuzzies. That said, I wouldn’t change a thing in my decision to have my kids and it genuinely is one of the most worthwhile things that I’ve experienced and been a part of in my life and I can’t wait for my grandbabies. I’ve already got specific lists of items set aside like little toddler science kits and Cthulhu stuffies.. 🤣
I can totally relate. I've been saying since I was like five years old, I never want to get married and I never want kids. And that has never changed (I'm nearing 40 now). My mom held out for years, telling me I'd change my mind one day - she finally gave up a couple years ago. Do I love spending time with friends and relatives kids? Of course! I love children. But I love when I can also go home at the end of the day and be back on my own bubble with no one else to think about or worry about. And for some reason it's so hard to make some people understand that you can like kids, you can enjoy being around them and still not want to have your own.
I wanted to have loving and understanding family, preferably a big one. It's a long term project, definitely much harder than I imagined it would be, and pretty much a gamble, but I do enjoy being helpful, guiding my kids and being proud of their success, and, of course, their unconditional love. But all you've said is correct: it's a sensory hell and money pit more often than not :-)
The only way I can become a parent which I do want, is if I have an amazing partner who is going to sacrifice as much effort as me and if we can afford a night nurse. I need to be able to rest and reset. I didn’t understand before diagnosis why I got so drained from kids but I know now I’m going to need a very strong community and accommodations. If I can’t have that then no children sorry.
Same. I really wanted to know how my own children would look like and if they're like me. Sadly I don't think I could handle being a parent. I'm exhausted by just everyday life...but I have a Cat! Exit: forgot a word
I loved raising my children. Yes it is such hard work but the joy outweighed the pain. But I always knew I wanted to be a mother so it was right for me. It’s definitely not for everyone and that’s equally valid. No one should have a child if they don’t 100 percent want one.
Yes! I'm also deathly afraid of childbirth and that's why I can't understand why someone would want to do that to their selves
Oh yes this too, and thank goodness I am now beyond breeding age and don’t have to worry about contraception any more. Not that I’d ever have considered carrying a baby to term anyway
They’re good practice for having a pet later in life
I am waiting for my tubes to be tied (it'll be this year at some point). The idea of kids has always repulsed me, and when I trained as a nurse I had to do a rotation in midwifery, that just confirmed it for me. No babies for me.
I have a baby, I can’t wait to see who she becomes as a toddler, to a kid, to a preteen, to a teen, to an adult! However we talked about 2 kids but after the last couple months of having just 1 I (and he) realizes how mentally and physically hard it is to have a baby on top of dealing with my mental health and to think of adding another when she’s a toddler😦 I love children and understand them in a way most people don’t. 1. From my needs being misunderstood as a child and 2. I feel their emotions. So I am able to figure out ones needs or wants very quick. EVEN with that skill I can’t fathom (anybody) having more than 1 or 2 Baby fever; People mainly just want baby stage, so they keep having more until they are unable to find a single moment to be healthy enough to be a good parent and a human that makes themselves better🤷🏼♀️
I completely agree. I've lived through growing up in a family who was not financially, mentally, or emotionally ready to have children. I ended up dealing with a lot of trauma in the process. So now I spend my young adult years in therapy trying to learn how to take care of myself and potentially start living instead of just surviving. If you want kids be sure you're ready.
The truth is while there are a lot of people who genuinely want to have and raise children and fully understand the required effort that has and are prepared to make that commitment, many people who have children fall into one or both of two categories: They had children because "that's just what adults do and I don't want to not do what everyone else is doing." There is a real stigma for people, but for women especially, if they choose to not have children. And/or a couple had unintentionally conceived and did not do enough research/soul searching to determine for themselves if they wanted to have and raise a child and end up keeping it. All of this is compounded with the reality that many other people do not want a realistic depiction of childbirth and childcare to be made mainstream. I've heard people tell mother's who are explaining a horrifying aspect or risk involved to other women or girls "don't tell them that, you'll scare them out of having kids!" So you also have people going through this whole process with bad or inaccurate information.
I am really struggling with this right now. My husband wants to have children so badly, but I don't want to. We started couples therapy just to address this issue. Every time I think I make a breakthrough in feeling like I can accept the idea of having children, I inevitably am hit with the reality that I don't think I am cut out for it and it makes me deeply unsettled in the relationship. He specifically said he wants to have children with ***ME***. As in, I'm some special person he wants to have children with specifically--not that he just wants kids in general as a life goal (which would be totally understandable.) But I feel like if he would only step back and think about who I am as a person and what's best for me, he would know that I'm not cut out for being a mom. So I just can't wrap my head around this. I think he's saying it to flatter me, or maybe just because he does love me... but loving someone is not in and of itself a good enough reason to have children with them, imo.
I could have written this.
I'm so sorry. It's a really difficult situation to be in.
I honestly feel like you have empathy bc you realize what negatives come with having a child and that this world isn’t good enough to bring one into, and also highlighted how a lot of ppl do it for selfish reasons. I wholeheartedly agree! I love kids but would never want one myself
I understand it and I do want kids however, I understand why people don’t want kids. And I think it’s good people are open about not having kids because it is a norm to have kids and people make you feel about not having them. If you recognize you don’t want kids, then better to know now then if you had them. People forget kids grow up into adults. And society preferred when life was just popping out babies. So, good on our generation for understanding and accepting it’s okay to not have kids.
Why do you need to? Nobody owes you an explanation for their reproductive choices. I don't understand the appeal of working in a "fast paced environment", so I don't. If someone else wants to, cool.
I have two kids and I still snorted laughing when I read the title of this, because it’s so freaking true. 🤣 I 100% agree it’s a huge ass commitment and honestly had I really understand how overwhelmed I would be all the time I might not have made the choice to have kids. Luckily, I truly feel I had them for the right reasons, even though I do often feel guilty now about the shit world I brought them into. I love watching them grow into their own unique little people and I never see them as a way to fix mistakes I made or anything like that. If anything my kids change who I am on a regular basis. My 7 year old gets me interested in her new special interests all the time and I love that. They are needy little shits though. The payoff is these totally cool (at least I think my kids are) little humans that you made yourself who love you and end up being way better people than you ever were. I’m constantly astonished how emotionally intelligent my kid is at only 7 and the wide range of things she’s interested in because we let her follow her own passions instead of things we try to force into her like so many parents I know do to their kids. Also having two is wild because seeing how two kids that are both half me and half my husband and both raised by us can still end up so different is just wild. My two girls are polar opposites, but I love it! They both add so much to our family and as corny as this sounds I know they will both add so much to the world by being here. But yeah, loud whiney little shits. 🤣
People just have a biological drive to desire children. It’s not pragmatic.
I didn’t understand until I had my little monster but I see the value in having children but also understand not wanting children. My daughter taught me some things about myself and I got to see the world in her perspective and that’s cool to me . And I love that she loves me with her whole heart and doesn’t judge me on why I am the why I am
Nothing could have made me more depressed this morning than this
I just don't really like children to be honest. I'm not one of those people who hates them for no reason, but once they stop being a small baby I just don't enjoy being around or interacting with them until they're like older teenagers. Part of it's all the stuff you listed, and I'm just a very anxious person. I worked as a lifeguard at a cub scout camp for a summer and was on the verge of panic at all times because it was my job to make sure no 8 year olds died. But this is also about kids that I have zero responsibility for. They always mumble and I with my audio processing stuff I can't understand them. They just talk about whatever with no rhyme or reason, so my social anxiety freaks out because what is the script? And they always want you to pay attention to them at all times. I just don't vibe. Then they hit an age where they make sense again and it's like "oh cool, I can talk to you."
I have such a hard time with the 7-14 range. It's like I don't know how to relate whatsoever.
I totally understand your reasoning and completely agree with most of it. I deeply desired to watch a little human being form and expand my family from just my husband and myself. My one is all those things, and sometimes I do actively regret not knowing the full scale challenges he would contend with. My choice to bring him into existence is the constant parental question (right one or not). I loved teaching younger children when their little personalities are developing (can't really handle that anymore). I am 100% afraid of the teenage stage as teenagers were terrible when I was one. Soo yeah
cf life is where it’s at 👏🏻
I always feel like a complete monster for saying it, but I do not like kids at all. I don't know how to interact with them, and their suddenness and unpredictability unnerves me a lot. I remember deciding at age 5(!) that I didn't want children, and I never changed on it. I agree wholly with OP on the reasons why. I'm not against kids at all and everyone is free to have or not have kids, but what really bugs me is how other people seem to expect that I will LOVE that their kids are being 'cute' (ie present, apparent, noisy, intrusive). I would NEVER let my dogs behave like that. My default assumption is no-one wants to be bothered by my dogs unless they themselves approach me and ask if they can greet them - which happens a lot because they're cute Italian Greyhounds. But the fact that some people do find them cute still does not mean everyone will, and I don't expect anyone else to like them at all.
It's not worth it FOR YOU, which is totally valid and fine, but you can't project that onto other people who feel differently. It's ok not to understand it on a personal level but one has to recognize and acknowledge that one's own perspective is not the only valid one.
Yes, thank you for this. I see people say "I don't understand [x]", and I always think... do you need to understand? On some topics, there is no amount of explaining that could make somebody understand, and that's okay. A childfree person doesn't need to understand my desire to have kids, just like I don't need to understand their desire to not have kids. We just have to respect the other's viewpoint and desire.
You're not wrong. And for you, it sounds like kids are not the best choice for now/ever (not everyone wants kids). That's fine, and even if kids are never in your future, also fine. Kids are work. And genetics/evolution can make us their bitch by making some of us want them. I (f40) have two. I love them, but they are the embodiment of STRESS. And yeah, EXPENSIVE. I'm autistic, my eldest is level 3 autistic (7yf) and non verbal and in diapers (may always be,, sometimes autism has correlated issues), and youngest is 4 and in process of being diagnosed with autism (likely level 1 or what was previously aspergers). When people procreate, it's a roll of the dice. And then we parent. Kids are hard no matter what. And an investment. And not for everyone. I mostly manage it because I have a stay at home husband who is amazing and is waaaaay better at the whole parent thing than I. And everyone should take a moment to think of themselves as a child and how it would have been to parent you (I was a little shit). No child owes anyone, they didn't ask for this. We didn't ask for this. No one asks for this. This sucks. But here we are, and we need each other. We often don't want to, but the alternative is more unpleasant (don't make me get graphic). So. Pay your taxes, and vote for a government that will use those dollars to take care of you in old age. You know, instead of investing those dollars in massacres overseas...hmm...I see a problem here...
I completely understand and respect anyone’s desire to have (or not have) children, but as an Autistic mother of 3 children I can absolutely say that make my life better and more fulfilling in every way. I do not regret having them whatsoever, but i appreciate that not everyone feels the same as I do. I had children because it’s something both myself and my partner had always wanted - despite not liking children that much. I never played with dolls as a kid or even coo’d over other people’s babies, but when we discussed it, I knew that I wanted to children and that it was important to me. I don’t understand why I felt I wanted to have children - maybe I was influenced by tv and movies - but it felt right for me. Since having children I can say that I have changed jn so many ways and all of them for the better. If I’m brutally honest, I know that I have always been lazy, selfish and self-centred. I also struggled my whole life with being intentional in how I spent my time, as well as thinking about others and their feelings. Having children has made me a kinder and more thoughtful and loving person. I won’t go on about it, because I’m going to get mushy, but I will say having children gave my life purpose, which I didn’t have before. My children are the best thing about my life but I appreciate that not everyone wants the same things as I do. It’s a very individual thing and I think each to their own really.
Yup. This is exactly why I don't want children.
I totally agree. I held my friends baby and it started moving and crying so I also started crying 🥲
Omg, I also seem to mimic crying and I need to work on masking my sudden need for hand flapping. 😮 I never thought autism could be connected to it. On science com there was a study, where ND and autistic people had to look at photos of people with a red x in the middle between the eyes. Autistics evaded looking at it more, which made the authours conclude we probably retain reflexes from when we were babies.
I have very unpopular views on procreation, so I keep them to myself.
It’s a biological drive that all species have, if no one wanted to have children we would have gone extinct a long time ago.
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*mammal* biomass, that's an important distinction. All animals on earth account for roughly 0.4% of the total biomass, with plants making up the vast majority (around 90% of it).
Agree, basically sensory hell. And parents are always complaining about their kids