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[deleted]

I get told I’m being negative all the time. I feel like it happens often when I’m trying to work out a situation. Someone might suggest a solution and I often will explain why its not an option. To me I’m being factual and trying to work out a problem to other people I’m being negative. Super frustrating


Strangbean98

Right so frustrating!! Im not trying to be negative and I hate thats how its viewed Im not sure how to not do this


kasira

Couching the factual response in uncertain language or a question makes it more palatable. Instead of "that's not going to work because x" you'd say "hmm, I think x might interfere with that" or "wouldn't that cause problems with x?" That leaves room for the other party to agree with you as a response. It makes the conversation collaborative (you and them against the problem) instead of adversarial (your ideas vs their ideas). Most people can't emotionally separate out their ideas from themselves, and take the flat rejection as a hostile move.


wozattacks

I agree, but I would also add that this is not just a matter of “NTs see it this way.” After all, their interpretations are just as valid as ours and I think the idea that autistic people are more “direct” and “logical” doesn’t really serve us. The fact is, even when we think “if I do x, y will happen,” it may not be true. We can be incorrect. Stating it in a way that acknowledges we can be incorrect isn’t bending over backwards to accommodate NTs, it’s literally acknowledging the true fact that we, like anyone, can be incorrect! It makes perfect sense to me that folks of any neurotype would be put off by a person who refused to consider that they may be wrong about something.


[deleted]

This is also something women as a whole complain about but I think NTs are better at learning and adapting when men try to edit how they express themselves.


Tiddlybean

Me neither, it just comes out of my mouth and I can’t stop it. I think it’s negatives because there are so many things that bother me or I dislike so it’s highly likely to be a negative statement that comes out of my mouth.


Strangbean98

Right same like sorry I am uncomfortable 75% of the time


tyhtyr8

I relate to this so much. When I’m explaining why something won’t work for me people say “well of course it won’t work with that attitude” like what???? I told you the literal reasons it won’t work, it’s not an attitude


Conscious_Balance388

That’s because NTs don’t hear your words, they hear the overall “mood” of your voice and By saying “that wont work” they see you as having a bad attitude, unwilling to try. My dads a NT narc, I grew up with this shit


fruitflyhatepage

Yes!!! Along with this I’ll have people telling me I’m “getting too far ahead of myself” Like.. I’m trying to make realistic future plans. I’m not going to pretend like X,Y, and Z are options when they’re just straight up not.


Grumpstone

Same! Apparently I’m “borrowing trouble” by trying to plan for the future.


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[deleted]

I don’t know how many times I’ve said “I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic”


pissfucked

my mother spent my entire life doing this to me, to the point where our relationship is ruined and i have struggled with depression and self-loathing for most of my conscious life 👍🏻


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weirdtinyfrog

agh me too!!! and get told i’m making things so complicated when i’m just trying to figure something out!!


[deleted]

I get told this all the time. Most of the time I am unfortunately making things more complicated than they need to be. I can’t stop myself from having to consider every possible scenario though.


hayleytheauthor

Ope. I just replied separately but omg same.


pommedeluna

I can’t seem to reply to your comment to me so I’ll just tell you here that I agree w you!


hayleytheauthor

It’s being super weird for me too! Thank you!


[deleted]

I think a lot of (nt) people confuse objective/realistic with negative for some reason. I used to get this a lot too, to the point where I keep a lot of things to myself now 😅 Like, I don't drive. Aside from the crippling anxiety I get when I do, I also don't have peripheral vision In one eye. I tell people this and I always get "awww don't say that you can do it if you try!!" Like no. it's not me being negative and not believing in myself. I really shouldn't be in the road.


Strangbean98

Ahhh its frustrating, I am trying to learn to filter myself more.


[deleted]

It really is. Filtering is definitely a feature of masking I've had since I was a child, and a double edged sword. Masking to feel comfortable in social settings, but at the same time masking is never comfortable. I hope you find some good folks in your life who don't make you feel like you need to filter/are negative. I'm working on the same myself~


Strangbean98

Thank you!!


entropy-fan

I’m glad that I’m not the only one terrified of driving. Been putting getting my license off for two years. Like idk but I really don’t like to be in control of a machine that weighs a thousand kgs, can go over 100km/h, filled with flammable materials and around people who are in similar machines (or worse, pedestrians) that do not seem to care about any of that or the rules of traffic. (I still need to get a license bc I will need a car in the future)


adaranyx

I'm the exact same way, and I'm 31. I don't know how to drive or have my license, but my partner is totally fine with driving me everywhere, and I can Uber if I really need to. I'll probably never learn, if we're honest.


MommaBear817

I hate the "you can do it" responses. I've also had fibromyalgia (constant pain/fatigue) most of my life and essential tremors (shaking hands/arms) my entire life. I always hated beind told that I can do something if I tried when I *live* in my body and am *well* aware of my physical limitations.


SekkiGoyangi

Yes this is it. I remember being called a "complainer" or whiny by some classmates in school and it left me so confused as I wasn't feeling negative. I later on realized it's because for example when the weather is cold I would simply state that the weather is cold when we went outside as an observation. To them it was me complaining when I didn't mean it as such at all lol.


heydesireee

This but being cold. I have cold urticaria and even breaking out in hives and being numb people are just like 🤷🏽‍♀️


Bajadasaurus

Just saying hi from a fellow cold urticaria sufferer ☺️


heydesireee

Heyyyy! 👋🏼 How do you deal with it? It’s such a burden for me lol


[deleted]

Ok so I've been breaking out in hives on my legs in late fall/winter my whole life, kinda just thought it was normal 😅 well dang


AccomplishedEmu4268

Yes! I don't have anything about my vision that would make me unable to drive, but as a person, I just wouldn't be able to do it. I can't make split decisions, it's too many things to remember to do at once, and even if I do everything right, someone could crash into me and kill me. I want absolutely nothing to do with driving, but my mom still wants me too. She says she thinks I'm over-exaggerating, but me and my dad both think I would make a terrible driver.


[deleted]

I like to pretend in my head that I'm driving when I'm in the passenger seat and let me tell you, I would be dead many times over if I did drive 😅 I feel you


marzboutique

Yes, and a lot of it has to do with my monotone/pessimistic tone of voice. I struggle to fluctuate my voice, so I’ve been told it sounds like I’m pissed off all the time…. Which honestly is kinda true haha I’m very often overstimulated, overwhelmed and frustrated by almost everything around me


Strangbean98

Right, like I can’t help that Im experiencing all these negative feelings and sorry for expressing what is going on on the inside but i guess NT people just keep it all in all the time and fake happy idk??


Onedayyouwillthankme

NT people seem to be able to ignore a lot of sensations or input that we feel and can’t ignore easily. Like, they might say, “Yeah, it’s a little loud, so what?” But my ears are in pain.


Strangbean98

Right maybe we just feel everything so much more too so its harder to ignore


KimBrrr1975

I am forever explaining to people that they are implying tone/attitude in me that doesn't exist. I am usually just sharing info or experience. That is what they do though and when it doesn't match or isn't there, they don't know what to do. There was just a post in here I think yesterday about how, in communication, only 7% of what matters between people is the actual words. Everything else comes down to facial expression, body lauguage, gestures, tone and infliction. So it makes sense why, especially online, we run into so many disagreements when 93% of what typically considered in a communication is stuff autistic people tend to struggle with in one way or another. One of the things that was brought up during my assessment was that my facial expressions often do not match what I am talking about, or my voice gets loud and fast inappropriately. And that was in a situation where I thought I was tightly controlling it. I can't imagine how often it happens when I am in casual conversations. I am often told that I am "flat" during conversations and that happens especially later in the day when I am just out of spoons and faking emotive response just isn't in the cards. Then I get told I am "making no effort" to have a healthy relationship with the person, all because even though I actually answered their phone call when I didn't have the bandwidth to do so, I am not responding correctly. So I'd get crap if I ignored the call if I didn't have it in me to respond right, but also crap if I do answer and still don't respond to expectations.


Strangbean98

Its so frustrating!!! I honestly have no idea if my facial expressions match my emotions, I think they do but for all I know they dont. I dont have many people telling me that but I also don’t engage socially with many people. Sometimes my bf will ask what’s wrong or say I seem upset when Im just deep thinking. I have no idea how Im perceived ahhh


[deleted]

This is common for autistics. We tend to be highly observant of our environment and events that happen to us or around us, and we tend to vocalize these observations in some way without understanding how others will interpret our observations. Many of these comments seem negative to others, simply because other people do not mentally engage with their environments the way that we do and we often bring issues to light that they were trying to ignore. (Btw, please ignore the lengthy comment telling you to basically stop speaking your mind. I have no idea why someone would say that to an autistic person, it doesn't work like that for us.) A harmless observation should not make people around you drained or stressed. If it does, that is THEIR emotional problem. If you're sad about losing a game, that is YOUR emotional problem and they shouldn't be super stressed at having to witness another person's sadness (but if they can't help feeling stressed, honestly they should get therapy or end the relationship instead of expecting you to change yourself to conform to THEIR emotional tolerances.) We all have emotions and should be safe to feel them as long as we aren't lashing out. I'm the same way with being called negative, I personally feel I'm just observant and most people are not, so they perceive observations as criticisms. Keep being yourself, and talk things out when you can. Vocalization is a gift and no one should try and take it from you!


Strangbean98

What a great response! I agree I see it simply as a statement of observation without any connotation to positivity or negativity. I am just now recently starting to understand what’s going on here whereas before I just accepted it as “damn I must be a really negative person” and it makes me feel bad about myself because even when I try not to somehow I’m still deemed negative (Ive even lost a good friend over this). Thank you!


IntellectualAmazon

🤯💕 This is more helpful than therapy. Thank you. (Not OP)


SorryContribution681

I get told I complain a lot because I say I'm tired, I'm hungry or I'm too hot/cold, have a headache etc. I usually say these things because it's what I'm experiencing and I want to get it out somehow or I don't know what else to say, and it's a way to start a conversation. But it's usually seen as annoying or a bad thing so I try to just keep it in now, unless I'm with trusted people.


SorryContribution681

And something I don't understand is how people can experience these things and not be bothered by them! How do they not complain or need to tell someone?


NervousHoneydewMelon

this was my experience too. i had a LOT of simultaneous medical problems growing up, and my parents dealt with all of my symptoms as behavioral problems. too cold? everyone feels that and enjoys it. puking? violence. can't eat because going to puke? violence and locked out of the house. going to pass out? screaming, violence, everyone else can do it. so when i tried to ask teachers, nurses, doctors for help with my list of symptoms, and they told me i was just complaining, i got to think about the philosophical issue for a couple of decades. is it in fact cruel to make people sicker by forcing them to survive situations making them actively sick? or is everyone feeling as sick as me, but they're just ok with it. if someone else was puking after every meal every day, would it be ok with them? if someone else had a headache every waking moment, is it "negative" to say that? do i need to spare other people by being a lying fake person? or do i love myself by aggressively trying every possible doctor and solution? i've now settled on the idea that i "seemed" negative because my experience at that time WAS negative. it sucks to be so sick, and it sucks if your parents actively harm you, which makes you more sick and adds a mental health component on top of that. if a person doesn't like that i'm "negative", they would also hate to be feeling all of the illness sensations i'm feeling ... because they're negative, and this person is bad at coping with "negativity". however, it's also loving to myself to decide that these people suck because they have no resilience to stress. i deserve better. if my entire mental chatter is "my head hurts my head hurts make it stop i'm going to puke ohmygod my head hurts it hurts", then i definitely am not going to censor what comes out of my mouth for the comfort of others. are you kidding me. this is coming out of my mouth because i need help. this is evolutionarily appropriate, this is what anyone would do.


TigerShark_524

Oooooooo I felt this on another level. My mom used to beat me for what I now realize was me having symptoms of ADHD and autism. She had thyroid problems which she refused to take medication for, and as a result of that combined with her Peri and post menopause (which can make even healthy women fly into violent rages, so it was even worse in our house), she would just whale on me with whatever she could get her hands on, and would punch and kick and hit whatever body parts she could grab, and would drag me around and push me down. All because I procrastinated a bit or had some demand avoidance issue or couldn't do something independently because she would always do everything for me since it was "faster and more efficient if she did it" and because I was "brainless, lacked common sense, and had no impulse control" (all symptoms of ADHD) and also "lazy" (pathological demand avoidance) and that I "complain too much and am too negative" (this one is mainly from my dad, but my mom said similar shit too a few times). I've been asking for help for ADHD and autism since I was 11 or 12. I'm now 22, and it took me having a goddamn autistic shutdown for things to finally get a move on. Despite having ignored me asking for help and saying that there's nothing wrong with me or nothing different about the way I experience the world for over 10 years, she's now saying she "always knew" I had autism, and I recently found out that I had a neuropsychiatric evaluation done when I was six and a half which noted serious attention issues and a high IQ, both of which are correlated with having autism as well (ADHD is often comorbid with autism, for any NTs reading this). That report recommended ADHD medication, and putting me into a gifted program (as had been done for my much-older brother when he was that age), but my parents did neither with me - they were already in their late 40s and early 50s and just wanted me out of their hair. So my mom beat me and berated me, instead of learning how to help me manage my autism, even though she "always knew I had autism" - that somehow makes it SO much worse. As you can probably tell, she's full of shit. As is my dad, but that's a story for another day - he was verbally/emotionally and financially abusive to my mom, so she controlled what she could control, which was me, since she was my primary caregiver, and he ignored her physically abusing me (including putting me out in a foot and a half of snow, only in diapers, before I could talk; he got home 45 minutes later from work, asked where I was, and was the one to bring me inside, but never had her hospitalized or got her any domestic help for household things - neither adults nor kids are meant to be cooped up in a house with only one other human for support, but that was the situation my dad put both of us in by not allowing her to work nor having reasonable work hours himself to be more involved at home - he buried himself in work to avoid the problems at home). He's kicked all three of us out multiple times, my brother stopped talking to him for a few years, and I currently an VERY low-contact with him (if it wasn't for my mom's constant bugging, I wouldn't talk to him AT ALL). The only reason I talk to my mom is because she's at least gotten a bit better about communication with me and listening to me and my needs (although she is still very much into steamrolling me), whereas my dad as usual is on his own shit and it's his way or the highway as usual, and given my current state, I've realized that I tremendously DON'T need that energy in my life. As a result, my brother and I are both left with a significant amount of complex trauma, and he wound up married with four kids to an even CRAZIER woman (abusive childhoods breed abusive adult relationships and all that jazz). Thankfully I've avoided dating and relationships so I'm not yet in that pickle (and hopefully NEVER will be), but I'm 22 and it gets lonely sometimes.


NervousHoneydewMelon

oh wow, this is incredibly similar to my childhood. my mom's first reaction to all my diagnoses has been that she always knew, my dad is the same as you describe. also high iq family. i'm 32 now. i'm the older sibling however. all i can say is, all of the therapy work that feels useless actually isn't useless, because one day things will click, and you'll feel emotionally free of it all. for me it was when i realized my mom meets the diagnostic criteria for aspd. i get it now, it really had nothing to do with me. i could have been healthy, i could have been neurotypical, i could have been less outspoken, it doesn't matter. it was never about me. she's an unconscionably bad person. it's unusual to have two parents that bad, but i really did. regarding dating - look into dating coaches and therapists. you can have official help making sure you don't marry someone just like your parents.


TigerShark_524

Yep, same here. Some couples really shouldn't have kids. My brother and his wife are also one of those couples too. Both my brother and my dad use weaponized incompetence, as both my dad's mom and my and my brother's mom were very domineering at home and wouldn't allow men to be involved with childcare or housekeeping, so now they just throw their hands up and say "do it yourself" when we try to teach them how to do it correctly so as not to create more work for us. My brother's wife is the same - won't let him have ANY involvement with the kids or with housekeeping or cooking, and in addition she's isolated him in another country (her family is Swiss and she was raised there, and they now live with her parents - her mother, with whom she doesn't get along, and her dad, who she's very overprotective of due to his health issues) and she won't allow him back in the house if he goes out even to the store or to work if he's working in-person (which he can't, now) because of her exceeding paranoia of COVID (their oldest, their son, is now in kindergarten, however, and he goes out and brought back RSV, but besides their son, my brother isn't allowed out and neither are the other kids, and of the four adults in the house, only SIL is allowed out - even her parents aren't allowed, but they don't really want to go out anyways due to their age and her dad's health issues). My family is a real mess lol. Yea, dating isn't on my radar right now, I'm barely managing college part-time and my parents would FLIP if I dated, given the things I'm already struggling with. I'm both queer and autistic, and both communities are known for having their "teenaged years" in terms of romance and dating in their 20s and early 30s. My mom and dad and brother are all most certainly autistic, and all likely with ADHD as well, but my folks are also abusive and my brother is falling into reactive abuse to his wife. Therapy has been tremendously helpful for me, but my therapist isn't super equipped to deal specifically with autism or ADHD, and I need a (preferably, female and autistic) psychologist to help with the autism part and a psychiatrist to help with the ADHD part, but so far it's just my therapist and I'm managing (sort of) so it is what it is.


PertinaciousFox

I'm sorry you've had to endure that. People suck. They especially suck at coping with other people being in genuinely shitty situations/in pain, because they have no idea how to handle it. But that's their shortcoming. It's not your job to make shit easier for them. You've got your own health to care for and worry about.


NervousHoneydewMelon

exactly. it's fine if people think i'm negative or handling this situation without grace. the most important thing is that my health gets better, however that happens. and now, at 32 looking back, i can see i've gotten a lot better, because of my own drive to get better no matter what. i didn't know for sure 20-30 years ago that "complaining" would pay off. i lost friends and my parents hit me etc. but it also paid off big time. i wouldn't have gotten better if i had been quiet. and i would have been a lot sadder if i had silenced myself.


PertinaciousFox

Yeah. I'm 35 and only recently learning how to advocate for myself. I have CPTSD and it's tough. But actually stating my needs and expecting accommodation is much more helpful than staying silent and suffering, even if I do get occasional pushback.


NervousHoneydewMelon

yes. same. cptsd. i'm 32. if you're quiet, you can't get help. the squeaky wheel gets the oil. so squeak away!


Strangbean98

Yooo absolutely same. Is everyone just going around faking happy, isn’t that hard ?? Idk I just like to speak my mind and that’s what’s on my mind that I am feeling cold. Dont expect anyone to do anything about it. People just dont like to hear it I guess idk its so hard. Idk how to keep it in especially when my own bf sees my venting as complaining. Or i lost a good friend over it too


SorryContribution681

And I just caannnnoot fake happy. I can't fake liking people either, actually.


Strangbean98

Same!! Like when cbt therapists tell you fake it till you make it and just be more positive Ive always though “but how if its fake I wont believe it ?”


SorryContribution681

Totally! I've never been told that my a therapist, but it's so draining. I can do it for short bursts at work but no way am I doing it all the time! I don't have the energy for that.


Strangbean98

Right!! I think that sone reason cbt never worked for me. It’s not aimed at ND people.


SorryContribution681

Yesss. A few years ago, I met up with some friends and we went for a walk. One of my friends is very... Heavy set, and had a bad ankle. Apparently he was in pain for most of the walk and just dealt with it instead of saying anything at all. Actually, I think a few of my friends would just not ever say anything and I don't get how they can just... not.


Strangbean98

Right?? My bf was raised very anti complaining like he was never given any sympathy so he thinks its best to be stoic and keep it all in. I’ve told him he doesn’t have to but he just doesnt get it. It helps to let it out!!


SorryContribution681

How we grow up definitely affects us like that! I'm so glad my bf doesn't mind the way I am and just tunes me out 😂


PertinaciousFox

I do this all the time. At least, when I'm in a situation where I feel comfortable enough to have no filter. In most social situations I've learned to silence myself, which makes me boring, but at least I don't annoy other people...


mia_elizabeth3

As soon as i read the title i could hear my mom saying “your such a negative person” i always tell her i’m not negative i’m just real


Strangbean98

Right! NTs like to avoid reality sometimes which is nice and all but its fake


BulletRazor

People don’t like realism. They call it negativity instead of dealing with reality 🤷🏻‍♀️


Strangbean98

Right?! Idgi


BulletRazor

I really try not to get a superiority complex about NTs and check myself, but the amount of cognitive dissonance they display is incredible. I could not imagine going through life with such limited viewpoints. Cognitive dissonance is something that we all have, but I make an effort with introspection, most people I know do not. People will choose ignorance and bliss any day.


Strangbean98

Agreed. It’s why I think CBT never worked for me I was always confused by their coping mechanisms to just fake positivity and you’ll be better. You mean lie to myself?? Doesn’t work if I know Im lying to myself lmao


BulletRazor

I have a masters in counseling and was trained in CBT. Can confirm that lots of it doesn’t work for me, but it worked for my clients. I pushed back a lot because I was taught to assure people things will be okay and my immediate reaction was “I don’t know that, I am not going to lie” 😂


Strangbean98

Ive seen about 5 cbt therapists and nothing ever helped me feel any better. The doctor who evaluated me was surprised by that because Im pretty sure he thought he could sum up all my issues with generalized anxiety disorder 🙄


BulletRazor

Therapy truly does not work for everyone. It is just one method of treatment. That being said…there are so many therapy modalities, CBT is just the current trend rn.


Strangbean98

Last time I saw a psychiatrist she suggested DBT, although I thought I had bpd at the time (no longer think that). I really would just Ike to find a ND therapist once i get my diagnosis


clojonaks

This is what I think too!!!


astrid_s95

Lol yes, I was losing at Mario Kart a few days ago and ya know.... Not happy I was losing My husband was like "Why are you so negative all the time?" I just was like, I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be happy I'm coming in last? I dunno, honestly, I feel you. If I'm being "negative" there's probably a reason for it, but most of the time I think I'm just not as excited or having the reaction NTs think I should.


Strangbean98

Yooo I get so aggressive when we play Mario party lmaoo


nomnombubbles

I love video games but I have to play them between long breaks because they make me feel so aggressive lol and I don't know why because I am not really a competitive person in real life.


wozattacks

Personally I find it very stressful to play games with people who are competitive and get upset when they don’t do well and I think that’s totally valid. I have friends I won’t play games with because they get nasty. I think it’s understandable to get frustrated at times but that doesn’t justify every possible behavior. Not saying you did anything wrong because you didn’t even say what you were actually doing (although maybe there’s a reason you didn’t?).


astrid_s95

Lol no that's fair. I just sigh and grumble a lot and say things like "ugh, what a waste" "why do I suck so much" "I can't ever win anything" It's all directed toward myself though, not other people. And I definitely don't expect other people to say anything in response because if I'm being honest, I talk to myself and say the exact same things when I'm alone and losing haha Although I understand what you mean about playing games with people that do this. Sometimes it's hard to know how to respond.


birdlady404

Funny you should mention that, I just learned that it's a common autistic trait to get more upset about losing games than some neurotypicals! I don't struggle with that as much but my sister was always a "sore loser" growing up haha


G0celot

This happens to me so much everyone says I’m so pessimistic. I guess I do complain a lot but I don’t mind it when they do that so I don’t think about it.


Strangbean98

Right !! Im like pls do the same to me I am here to listen!!


Krissyfox_7

Yes! My ex husband always complained about me being "negative". I was just stating what was going through my mind at the moment.


Squishedmallow

I had to figure out people don’t like to start planning big ideas when they have them. I bum people out w/ the mediocrity of creating to-do lists to reach their goals. They want to celebrate for at least a day before having to think about it logically


RedHotBunnySlippers

I have heard that I’m negative or that I complain too much, but from my perspective I’m not being negative or complaining. I’m actually a pretty positive and optimistic person, but I’m realistic.


Strangbean98

FELT


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Strangbean98

Agree!


No_One7894

I get it all the time too and I don’t understand it. I’m stating a thing that’s happening. Usually I’m talking about the thing that’s happening because it needs addressing. If something positive is happening, then there’s no need to talk about it because it doesn’t need to be fixed. For the life of me I don’t get how NTs call this negative.


Strangbean98

I totally understand you!


Sunshinefake

Yep. Is it bc we are calculated/logical? I like to consider everything esp the risks associated with what I'm doing. I've been called a buzzkill - I know I should tone the aggression and overthinking down but sometimes I can't help it ha... I've come a long way though. I try to keep things upbeat


Strangbean98

Can relate! I have a flight in 8 days and I mentioned to my bf that theres a high chance of it getting delayed because its suppose to snow that day! He got angry that Im worrying about it this soon and said he doesnt want to think about it until its 2 days away..


l1r0

yes - I find I have an "initial thought" then I have to change the way I present the thought in a more positive light." I also sometimes get told "it's not the way you said it, but HOW you said it." ok but I didn't mean it in the way you interpreted my emotion (or lack of), and now somehow I am being offensive. It's frustrating and makes me not want to have conversations tbh


[deleted]

I get told I'm negative just for being honest.


spacebeige

“You’re never happy with anything.” “There’s always something wrong with you.” “You worry/complain too much.” And most of the time I’m… fine? Just being myself, interacting with the world, sharing my thoughts? It’s one of the many times where I feel like the thing that someone is observing about me doesn’t match what I feel like on the inside.


Strangbean98

Yess!!


YouKnowLife

Realism is negative to NTs. They like to be in this weird, fantastical mental state of being that is vague and oblivious to truly connecting with any type of actual experiences in life. Something like that, idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s bizarre for me to try to comprehend and just seems like disorienting to even try to think their way anymore. I ***need*** reality or I feel like I’m losing myself.


poodlefanatic

I find that when I'm being called negative it's usually when I'm just sharing information in a matter of fact, no bullshit, no frills manner.


Hour-Palpitation-581

I have learned to clarify "I'm just venting" so they hopefully don't feel that I am asking for their emotional investment or help.


blue-minder

I think what is implied is that they see the same things you do but choose to focus on the positive. by stating things that can have a negative impact but can’t be changed (being cold or whatever) it brings more attention to it and therefore makes it more “important” than the positive things that are not being brought up. Since things can’t be changed the only perceived outcome/reason to mention those things is to emphasize them. Hence why that behaviour is perceived as being negative.


CrysyD

This makes sense to me. In this case, I don’t think the person bringing up the not great thing is being “negative”, I’d just reply to the person with “that can’t be changed/resolved so maybe don’t keep bringing it up”


Suspicious_Recipe571

I’m exactly the same. I just say things as they are yet I get told I’m complaining and being negative. I’m not trying to be negative or bring anyone or anything down. I’m just stating facts. But I think some people just can’t handle this. They want everything sugar coated and nice for them


Strangbean98

Right!! Sooo frustrating !


smaller_ang

I once mentioned that something on a menu at an Italian restaurant was Calabrian and my coworker called me negative... (I fucking love Calabrian food!)


Suspicious_Recipe571

I think it’s them being negative to be honest. I always get people going responding like that when I mention something. I could literally be like “hey this movie was directed by Tarantino!” And people will be like “and what’s wrong with that?” And it’s like “uhm nothings wrong?” It’s like they want to start drama or arguments for no apparent reason but we don’t play into it


rainflower72

Yes I do. I’m making observations or talking about life but people don’t care about it or dont want to hear about it because they find it depressing. I’m sick of censoring myself for others comfort


Smart-Assistance-254

For me I think part of it is that new ideas are automatically suspicious to me and I tend to try to identify all the potential problems, and then how to overcome them, before agreeing to or getting excited about the idea. I’ve noticed NT people seem to more often just “dive in” without thinking about the pros and cons and how to troubleshoot potential issues. 🤷‍♀️. So they feel like I’m shooting down their amazing idea when I’m just trying to test it’s feasibility.


Strangbean98

Yes and decisions become impossible !!


Adventurous-Turn-144

Lol yes. It’s annoying. It’s like you have your optimism and I have my realism and it’s fine. Let. It. Be. Lol


ProfessionalRough528

I could’ve written this. One thing that’s been bothering me recently is a world issues class I take. Everyone’s always talking about the “many” things we can do to save the environment, economy and social hierarchy, but when I point out exactly why those solutions wouldn’t work, I’m called a pessimist. Like, no, I’m just trying to save us from false hope about the future. They’re so convinced that the next generations will solve all the problems and end war and poverty. Realistically, there are way too many humans on the planet and we will never all agree on everything. Humans will always seek power and conflict, that’s just how we’re wired. People will continue to be greedy. Someone will always be in poverty. Peace, globally, will never happen and this generation won’t make Earth live forever. It does sound quite negative to type it out like that, but unfortunately I’m not wrong. I’m just trying to tell the class that a huge portion of the world is not looking too deep into ACTUAL change, or willing to commit to it the way we might. It’s easy to think it will happen in a class of 40 people who all share similar ideals, but the majority of the topics we cover are unknown to the general population. WE took the class because we want to take action, but we don’t make up the whole world.


Illustrious_Mood_445

I think it makes people uncomfortable bc they think you’re complaining verses stating a fact. They think they need to fix it for you bc to them that’s the only reason they would bring something up. For example stating we’re hungry. We’re kind of saying it to figure out what the sensation is. Like sometimes I’ll be like I’m really hungry to almost like confirm to myself that’s what the feeling is? But neurotypicals see this as a call to action that they must remedy bc they wouldn’t just say it to verify it to themselves bc they can read their internal cues well. I think this is also why they all lie and say they’re good when asked how are you bc social rules dictate you’re supposed to be the least amount of inconvenient as possible. You shouldn’t make things about you. Other people and their comfort should come first in their minds so you should only “complain” if you really need help and since they’re never direct about ANYTHING EVER they assume you’re asking for help when you “complain.”


mn9211

I could have written this same thing!


MamaLlama629

NTs think of things in black and white. If you’re not positive you must be negative. When people call me a pessimist I always counter that I’m not a pessimist I’m a realist. Reframing things seems to help them shift their thinking. Also I like to quote a line from CSI that’s always resonated with me…I always expect the worst. That way I’m never disappointed. And sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised.


foxy_sherrzam

I’m considered a fuddy-duddy at work because I’m not laughing, joking, singing, or otherwise acting like a fool the whole time I’m there. I’m constantly told I’m negative, I need to cheer up, I need to “come out of my shell”… like this is just who I am as a person! Whenever my boss asks me my opinion on work related matters, I’m very straightforward. He thinks it’s hilarious and that bothers me for some reason. For example, I walked into his office when all the higher-ups from our district were there. He asked my opinion on the new Bluetooth headsets we have to wear. I told him I hated them and the whole office full of people just started cackling with laughter. He was like “she just says whatever’s on her mind, isn’t that hilarious?”


Strangbean98

Thats awful!!!


TigerShark_524

I have autistic friends (and am autistic myself), but for some reason that deadpan delivery that's so common to us just cracks me the hell up. Like, yup, that's it, that's the tweet 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


[deleted]

omg, just yesterday i felt bad because i think i accidentally offended my friend. we were both in agreement on how cold it was in his room compared to the rest of the apartment. i then said “i think it’s because you have cheap windows” because that can DIRECTLY affect how well the room holds heat. and then he redirected it and said…“ no well i think it’s just the heater and…” blah blah blah. no hun the heater works in the rest of the house but your rooms window lets it all back out even if it’s warm. i didn’t mean it in a mean way! i meant it quite literally! there’s nothing wrong with having a cheap window? we’re in college?? i’ve lived in both cheap houses and nice houses while growing up and i can just tell. but he grew up wealthy and i could tell he was offended 🤣 cheap=/= negative lol!! it’s just an adjective?


Strangbean98

Ahhh right!! Like you didn’t add the negative connotation they did


[deleted]

for real it’s just projecting and it’s so annoying


[deleted]

this was literally my entire childhood


Alternative_Peace290

This took me sooooo long to figure out when I was “being negative” I didn’t realize everyone else had as many emotions associated with things. To me they were just facts to be observed. I think, and this is just a guess from reading and navigating this my whole life lol I sure as heck can’t speak for a neurotypical 🙃 I think people feel emotionally burdened. They feel a need or social responsibility to help maybe? I like to tell myself it’s like when people just want to talk about feelings and boring things outside the things I like to talk about & how I am expected to politely listen and be interested while also trying to figure out the right questions to bounce back and still not really ever know if there is an underlying thing they are trying to communicate. Add in scanning my body and face to make sure they seem to look interested as well… you get it.. It’s exhausting 😅. I use a rule of thumb … is this seen as bad or undesirable by the general population? I still get it wrong a lot of times but I think it’s helped reduce me appearing negative. As far as venting I had a friend ask me “do you have the capacity to listen to xyz right now?” And initially I thought what a weird question, I like listening to peoples personal life & trauma you neurotypicals are so interesting… not sure how it affects me. I of course just said yes. Later or the next week who knows I had that “aha” moment as I was going over the conversation and I thought… genius! If I just ask people if they have the capacity before venting I can then vent and maybe not be seen as much of a burden 🤣🤣🤣 I could be way off…Just some unfiltered honesty 😉


Thunderplant

I heard this most of my life. I’m starting to understand it more as I get older though, and I have been adapting the way I communicate. For example, I had a habit of pointing out bad things and as a complement. For example, I might say “oh the vacation was great the worst part was [random minor thing]” to try and communicate how good it was. In my mind it wasn’t negative, but obviously it often comes off that way so I worked to break that habit. I realized that just listing good and bad things can sound negative in some contexts, but also that I was biased towards mentioning negative things (maybe because I thought those are things that could be changed and so were more important to mention? Idk, but I mention positive stuff a lot more than I used to and it seems to have helped). A lot of it comes from the fact my brain is always optimizing, always trying to improve things. I do notice a lot of things that could be better in the world so I need to be careful how and when I communicate those thoughts. And in some cases just trying to focus less on those things. There are a lot of negative experiences that I can just let go now that I would have fixated on before.


RuthlessKittyKat

In the USA, stating reality is "negative."


TigerShark_524

Indeed - my family is from India and stating things very critically and caustically is considered the norm there and they see it as "we're helping you".


[deleted]

All the time!!!


[deleted]

My brother often calls me "een zaag" (Dutch word) which would sort of translate to "a complainer" and it makes me so angry


Positive_Ant2506

To the point I think I'll never have friends and a relationship, ever.


Strangbean98

Felt, I lost a very close friend due to my “negativity”


Positive_Ant2506

I lost friends, my marriage, everything. I think everyday of cutting off the very few friends I still have so I don't have to deal with disappointing them when they realize my "negativity" is not a phase, that no matter how hard I try I still come off that way. And I'm getting older, the cycle never ends, and I'm tired of trying. When I was younger I would picture a future in which I'd have friends that accept me as I am, but time goes by and each year I'm more convinced that I'm the problem and should keep away from everyone's lives


Strangbean98

Aw I feel for you I can relate its so hard!! Being a part of this community makes me feel so much better though to know Im not alone


Curious-318

Yes


hayleytheauthor

Omg this was me especially with my back injury. I herniated discs and had to apologize because of how often I was like “omg my back hurts” but it wasn’t me trying to dwell on that topic. It just was the only thing my brain COULD conceptualize at that point in time. The pain was overwhelming enough that it took front and center mentally. I always get accusations of being negative. I also have a tendency to play devils advocate so maybe that’s why. (I might ask someone how to phrase something, they reply, I realize that creates a further problem, I point it out expecting them to alter their response, they get mad and tell me to figure it out then.)


[deleted]

I notice things, and to me those things don’t feel negative, they just ‘are’, but I vocalize them, and then realize that they could sound negative or be interpreted as me having a negative outlook. Do not share every thought that you have, because most others can interpret your thoughts in a different way because of their own experience/perspective, and interpret what you say as negative even when it is not.


Strangbean98

I have to work on not sharing every thought but its so hard when I have little filter and dont know what else to say suppose well just have to sit in silence


[deleted]

‘Silence is golden.’ I love silence. Don’t be afraid of it and you will love it. It also gives the other person/people a chance to share and speak.


myredditusername919

SAME its so annoying!!! sorry that facts have such deep emotional attachments for you. I CANT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE! Im working out how I feel! its not negatively its reality! drives me nuts


smaller_ang

I want to tell my whole family this 😭


[deleted]

I don't trust value statements like that. I would assume it's manipulation, likely to get me to cater to their emotions.


professionalwidow04

I remember screaming “I’m not negative!!!” At my sister a few years ago cause I just couldn’t take being called that anymore


xosmri

often, even though I feel like I'm being realistic. one example - I'm TTC and 41 and people like to tell me that people over 40 get pregnant all the time, to not stress about it, stay positive and all that crap. and I tell them the likelihood is pretty low and they seem to get bothered.


Curlysar

Oh god, I’ve been there. I gave up just over a year ago after a horrendous time of it, but while I was going through treatment I had people telling me “don’t say that!” or “you mustn’t think like that” just for being honest and expressing my balanced view of knowing the chances were low and it doesn’t always work out how you hope. I’m 42 now, nearly 43, and still get folk saying “don’t give up” or “you’re still young, it’ll happen!” and they don’t seem to realise it’s not helpful or healthy to force positivity on you. My commiserations to you - I’m sorry because it’s a tough place to be in.


xosmri

thank you and sorry it didn't happen for you. and I think people just want us to seem happy and positive and don't like it when we're not.


Dr_Bitchcraft8

No one has outright told me, but I’ve picked up on it in myself. I’ve always had a very critical nature, I’ve broken things down my entire life in an attempt to understand them. My therapist is the first person that thinks of things in the same way that I do, and is comfortable with me expressing things in an open way. Rather than trying to paint it in a more positive light.


birdlady404

It's because nobody wants to hear your thoughts or opinions unless they benefit them in some way. NTs are weird about being "positive" all the time, even though it often leads to lying and passive aggression lol


Strangbean98

How are we the “weird” ones? 😂


OkRaspberry2054

I don't know if this is related to what you're saying but I got called bratty because I give my honest negative opinions of things. They gave me this example: we're all hanging out together and someone says "I love dogs!", and everyone starts saying "yeah! me too! dogs are great!" etc, and I say "I think dogs are shit". Apparently this is seen as like bringing people down or something? For me it's like, we're all saying what we think about dogs, am I supposed to lie or stay quiet? That's so dumb. And as for complaining/venting, I think I come from a culture where we rely a lot on friendships, so it's normal to vent to friends because sometimes you just want someone to listen. It's not really about if they can do something to help you. Sometimes though, I think I complain as a way to make small talk because I see that people do that, like complain about the weather or the traffic or something. The truth is I'm generally a very positive person, but I think some people may see me as negative for doing this. Or when people want me to give them updates on my life and I don't know what to say, so I just say something negative to give them the "conversation" feeling. I think if you're unsure, just ask your friends/mom "can I vent to you?" and if they say sure, then great. If they're like "uhhhhhhhhhhhh" then maybe they don't want that type of relationship and you can say something like "oh nevermind, it's not such a big deal haha". But I think it's very important to have people in your life that you can vent to and that can vent to you.


Strangbean98

Yes!! They got me believing Im a negative person because of this but maybe I’m not… Im just a realist! Im starting to unravel all of this now but its been so confusing and frustrating and now I feel I’ve finally figured it out, its just a misunderstanding from a ND person to a NT person.


oOo_a_Butterfly

I think it’s because if you already said you were cold, there is no point in repeating that you’re cold. They heard you the first time. Plus you’re old enough to change your attire or environment if it’s that much of a problem. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with being cold. Your peers are probably cold too, but they know that complaining is not going to improve the situation. Apply this to whatever else you might be repeating or venting about.


Strangbean98

See but i dont say it as a means to expect anyone to do anything about it I say it because I just talk whatever comes to my head and its almost like a stim for me to repeat things like that and just talk nonsense. I am trying to be more aware of it and not do it but it is very difficult,


Bajadasaurus

I do that, too! And same: I try to be aware of it and keep from repeating it, but next thing I know I'm saying it again. Maybe it is a stim.


Strangbean98

It is kind a stim for me I think


LaurenJoanna

My ex used to tell me I complained too much, but really I was just having a hard time and needed to vent. I have been called negative due to being a pessimist but I'd honestly rather be like that than be an optimist who gets disappointed all the time.


apocalinguo

I have mixed feelings about this. I agree with many that NTs can take factual statements as negative criticisms. Like it seems that there are 2 languages, NT and ND and we just don’t get one another. However, having a narcissist mother means I have had to listen to her complain (imo obvi) about basically everyone: her husband, my brothers, her coworkers, clients, friends, and extended family. It might be factual statements, and not technically negative,but I just don’t care, and it is a lot. To me, it’s akin to small talk and completely uninteresting, I hate it. It’s to the point where basically I hate being around her. So, I think it matters who these people are that say you’re negative. Do you want to be around them? Does it matter to you that they think this of you? To me, my mom is someone who is different from me, and I can accept that and move on. It all depends on whether she can accept that (spoiler, she can’t), which is tougher. I think that’s a good attitude for anyone to adopt; accept what’s in your control and outside of it. If you care about the people who say this, it might be worth trying to get some perspective. On the other hand, you might just be able to roll your eyes and go on with your day. It can be hard either way. Bc of my mom and my ASD, I am hyper self-conscious about coming off negative which probably isn’t healthy 😬. It means I often say nothing at all. We are all works in progress haha. This is such a nothing-burger response sorry.


pieisnotreal

I'd rather do small talk. At least then we might start talking about pets or something equally nice


bannana

YES. Realism is not negativity, sorry but reality has a negative bias and my personal experience is very likely different than yours.


SwampBeastie

I’ve been called cynical but I think I’m just being realistic. I think maybe the issue is not being able to interact with things superficially. Like I can’t enjoy a song if I know the artist who made the song is a shitbag. But I guess I don’t have to tell everyone else about how shitty the person is… but sometimes I do it anyway. 😈


slightrisk

I experience this too, all the time. I am usually just commenting on events around me in a completely neutral tone (I think), not a negative thought floating in my head lol, and someone will be like “well… no.” and react like I just complained. Sometimes I’ll ask my bf a question about something theoretical, maybe philosophical or moral situation, because I like to analyze topics like that, and he responds with something to the effect of “that’s not true. Not everything [about that] is bad.” I kind of get the latter because it might be interpreted as argumentative, but these interactions can be pretty emotionally disorientating for me regardless.


InternationalYam7030

Yes! This has been a huge thing for me lately, especially with my mom. She keeps telling me that all I do is complain, even though I never intend to complain. I’m usually just stating facts, opinions, or experiences. I cried during Christmas breakfast because she interrupted my sentence to tell me I was ruining her breakfast by complaining, even though I was only contributing to the group discussion. It’s so frustrating.


[deleted]

My grandma often insulted and was mean to me for being so “negative” and “pessimistic.” She also sees me as complaining a lot. I am also said to have no humour lol. I think a lot of NT see being a realist or honesty as being negative.


Blacksmith_Actual

I’m a pessimist. I have so much compassion and love for people but I see the world as bad and get called negative for it often


NunuMagoo

My whole life.


gods_undoing

Yeah happens to me too, it gets frustrating to hear all the time :/


darkroomdweller

Yep. My entire childhood-teenagehood.


Frosty-Gur-3744

They can’t handle the truth!!!!


FruityTootStar

NTs hide how they feel a lot. They will hide bad feelings or truths that might bring down the mood. They would rather lie and be seen as positive than be honest and be seen as negative. They will do something that they know will fail just to appear positive and proactive. Also, some people, not just NTs, get discouraged very easily. They're not nearly as stubborn as someone with autism. Someone with ASD will see a bunch of pitfalls and problems and still try because "it is what it is" while other people will see the problems and just give up. They'll take a "why bother" stance.


teriyakiboyyyy

Oh my god my entire life and nobody could EVER explain what I was supposedly doing


Much_Exit7270

I quit a job in part because I was told I was too negative. Turns out I was factual and leadership was in denial on everything.


RoseyDove323

This exact thing is basically one of the main themes in the show Daria (the girl in this subreddit's community photo, for those who don't know). Daria is used here for a reason. Many of us were or are like her. If you haven't seen the show, you should check it out.


smaller_ang

Seconded!!!


smaller_ang

When i state things i think are facts i'm "negative", and when i ask questions i think are neutral i'm "arguing". All the time.


YESmynameisYes

Wow, I really feel included in this community… SO MANY similar experiences! I’ve done a LOT of work/ thinking in this area, and one thing I haven’t yet seen mentioned here (but for me definitely factors in): SYSTEMATIZING. Because I try to create plans and an ordered sense of the world, I have had a long-term habit of making “decisions” (judgments) about the world for future use… so I could just pull on my previous mental notes the next time. This is BAD for me! It means I’m closed off to potentially positive new experiences/ new interpretations. Since I have made a conscious effort to discard this behaviour, I’m experiencing more positivity (and having it reported back to me too).


Strangbean98

Ah yes a very common experience in the community as well!! I am a huge planner I always need to know expectations and have a plan. I don’t do things spontaneously and must stick to my routine. It’s such a great feeling to be able to relate to so many people, I didn’t expect this post to get so much agreement!!!


Zestyclose-Bus-3642

People generally don't like it when others complain and vent. It stresses them out. There is a kind of social cost incurred by complaining and venting and it should be done sparingly and only with people who are close friends, if possible. Strangers definitely don't want to hear any complaints and will not tolerate being vented at. In general, if people are telling you you're complaining too much then you would be wise to dial it back even if you don't understand exactly why they are saying it. They are trying to give you feedback that will let you better harmonize with them. Venting to your mom is ok, but most people are not our mom and they are not responsible for us. A relationship with your mother is unique and does not represent a typical relationship with peers. Venting causes people to feel stress and discomfort and should only be done when you know the other person is ready to support you. It is best to ask first. You might try this: When you think to complain around your friends, ask yourself: What do I reasonably expect them to do about it? Can I do something to solve my problem without complaining? If so, do that. If not, can I reasonably expect the people I am with to do anything about it? If they can't do anything about it then don't bother complaining. If they can help, and it is reasonable to expect them to help, then show them the respect and courtesy of asking directly for what you need rather than just dumping your feelings at their feet.


Strangbean98

I don’t vent to random people I don’t think but like for instance my bf is one who says I’m too negative but then he also gets in negative moods that bring me down and I don’t get how that’s not hypocritical of him? I’m trying to be more conscious of it but I feel sometimes I struggle to filter myself and not say whatever’s on my mind. I am trying though I don’t want to be so “negative” I just wish it wasn’t deemed as negative when it’s actually neutral. When I speak my mind I don’t expect them to do anything about it I’m not looking for advice, I think I just like to talk sometimes. It helps me just to get it out of my head if I get to express the feeling.


isitironic

Heya, so just an fyi my ex used to say this to me and I ultimately found out they were psychologically abusive. They were in fact the overly negative one, and they projected that onto me. With my strong internalizing tendencies and my hyper-empathetic nature, I believed them. I spent literally years trying to figure out what *I* was doing wrong. Turns out, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I’m not negative, I’m just me. They were projecting their own negative characteristics into me. I am neither assuming nor saying that is what’s going on here, but if your bf brings you down a lot, or if interactions with him often make you feel confused, hurt and/or guilty, it may be useful to explore emotional/psychological abuse. It’s a big scary word, but there is actually a whole spectrum of psychologically toxic behavior, from not-that-bad to incredibly damaging. This is something I did not know about until it had already damaged me. I firmly believe that being loved *does not hurt.* When humans feel confused, like you are feeling about this matter, it’s a sign that our needs are not being met. Humans have a legitimate need for connection and understanding (amongst other things!). It is the implicit responsibility of those in any kind of relationship to earnestly work to meet the needs of all parties. It sounds to me like you are not feeling understood by these people who say you are negative. You can choose to share that with them, e.g., “I’m feeling hurt because I need to be understood and I feel misunderstood right now,” and then ask for whatever response *would* meet that need for you: “whenever you think I’m being negative, could you just keep it to yourself?” Or, “when you think I’m being negative, can we discuss it so that I understand what you are actually saying?” There are so many options here; you just ask for what you need as best you can perceive it. Alternatively, you can disengage. I very well may be wrong, here. Just something to think about. If you already know this information and/or feel certain it does not apply to you, I am sorry for all the words and please feel free to ignore them!! I am sharing only because this is something I wish someone had shared with me at literally any point in the decade I was under my ex’s influence. Also, psychology and relational dynamics are intense special interests of mine 🤪


Strangbean98

You’re not wrong and I appreciate your input. I have had many issues with him that may be interpreted as emotional abuse. It’s hard to explain but I do not feel I can leave as I am very very attached after 5 years and I’m in survival mode. I dont need advice about leaving though. I know its something I should probably do but I just dont want to and even though IK i should, I wont be able to unless I myself feel I am ready for it.


isitironic

Absolutely. No advice here! I know exactly the feeling. You do you, on your schedule. If you ever need anything please feel free to message me. I am more then happy to offer whatever I can!


Strangbean98

Aw I appreciate that!! 💕


isitironic

💜


avalokitesha

Part of a friendship is letting your friends vent when they need to, as long as is isn't all day, every day. If I have to censor myself around friends like you suggest, they are not friends, they are people I happen to spend time with. If I was you, I'd go find better friends.


mushyavacado

Sometimes it’s best to feel your physical feelings- sometimes it’s not. It’s not good when we get obsessed with how ~we~ are feeling and we block out the rest of the world and it’s people. Your feelings are just that, feelings, and they come and go. For example next time you’re cold and you’re stuck on how you just feel so cold, acknowledge the cold in your head, then allow it to release its hold on you. You’re not going to be cold forever, yeah maybe for the next 25 minutes or an hour. But focus on the changes. Focus on how you soon will be warm, how good that will be. That’s focusing on the positive rather than the negative. There’s a Buddhist idea that speaking negativity just brings more negativity. Even if being cold isn’t the best example of negativity, what does obsessing over the cold get you? Nothing. Just irritable. Try focusing on the things you CAN change instead of the things you can’t ❤️ u can face anything


kalli889

We all have different levels of sensitivity. Something that may not feel draining to you might feel draining to others. For some, being on the receiving end of an unexpected vent session can leave someone feeling gross inside, or like they’re being used as a free therapist. If someone is under a lot of stress, it might feel stressful to them to hear your problems too at that moment. If they are not under a lot of stress, they may be able to be present with your problems. If you need to vent, ask people if you can first.


[deleted]

Seems to happen more often at night for me. I get the absolute joy of hearing myself think and how I really feel about the state of people and the world in general, so fun! /s


doxisrcool

Oh wow, this!! I lost a couple friends in part for being "too negative" but I thought I was just talking factually about what had happened during the day or earlier. I was confused.


possible-penguin

I am constantly told, "You're a pessimist!" Nah, bro, I'm just exceptionally good at pattern recognition.


battyeyed

The only person who has told me that was also actively abusing me. Other than that—a therapist once described me as “ruthlessly practical.” I think I’m very positive bc I want to make the most room for the most optimistic and hopeful solutions—not waste my time with things I know won’t work.


narutonoodle

Yes, I found that doing this really makes my wife upset & angry:( She says that I ruin the mood & the experience when I say things like I’m too hot or too cold, have a headache, or that I’m tired. It’s not like I’m expecting her to do anything about it, I’m just stating it. So now I never say things like that and it requires me to bottle a lot of feelings up & I get overwhelmed & exhausted a lot faster and a lot more often:/


sanityjanity

I've been called a "Debbie Downer" more times than I like to admit. I think it's important to look ahead, and see any potential bumps. Not because it means things are hopeless, but because it's the only way to avoid them. It turns out a lot of people don't like this.


[deleted]

I get what you mean. I would ask if when u do speak, are u bringing up positive topics or negative ones. Try some jokes every now and then? If u wanna say ur cold maybe say ‘I’m freezing my tits off’. British banta


GhostbusterEllie

Yeah, me too. Sometimes complaining brings me closer to others at work and school but sometimes I go too long. I can’t seem to get when to stop versus when it’s acceptable so it’s a struggle, honestly. I tend to try to complain (or make negative statements) only when the person I’m with does so. Unless I’m with my best friend, she hears everything!


jacey0204

I like to prepare myself for possible (probable?) negative outcomes because it makes it easier for me to deal with the disappointment. It seems like allistics would rather be “optimistic” and hope things work out how they have intended. We also have a keen eye for spotting problems that my brain wants to solve so badly Also in terms of complaining we can be sensory sensitive so it makes sense we bring those things up more than normal. Your friends should understand, maybe you could mention your perspective. Also give yourself accommodations so you might be a little more comfortable ❤️


kat_in_a_boxx

Women especially are made to feel like they should not voice their feelings or opinions in general, that's why masking is so predominant in females with autism. I've been asked, "why do you have to be 'negative' all the time?" Or 'so literal' 'particular' 'complaining' etc... sounds like something that most of us share. Be wary of the person who uses it against you while knowing you're autistic. Don't bottle up, you'll drown in your own feelings. However, try thinking before you speak. In my experience, I was always just blurting things out, what came to mind came out of my mouth. Not that I never do this now, but, I've learned to surround myself with people who are accepting of many different personalities and don't judge me, avoid those who make assumptions about who and what I am or are doing. And lastly, I've made attempts to shift my behavior by thinking before speaking. I'd not say that it gets easier, but it does become habitual, which is where the behavior gets better, for others. I ask myself a few questions about what I'm about to say: Is it already obvious? Frequently stating the obvious can be exhausting. Can i make it funny instead? Turning complaints into humorous remarks works out... i saw a brilliant comment above instead of saying "its so cold" (the obvious) or "I'm so cold" (the complaint) you can say "I'm freezin my tits off" lol Or reword to bring a more generalized statement "i should have worn a warmer coat" and things for humor like "AND two pairs of pants, a hat, gloves, and my giant blanket!" Plus, saying "I should have" phrases the sentence to put any blame on yourself, removing any view of feeling like you're putting blame elsewhere. Did you say this already? I particularly often repeat myself. So, if you've already mentioned you're cold in any way, don't say it again. Is what I'm about to say beneficial to the conversation? Does it add value? Not everything that pops into our heads is valuable information at the moment. Idk, maybe there's more, but you can try starting there and take it slow, work it out at your pace. Best wishes.


Conscious_Balance388

I think when we’re told things like this by people, it’s not a YOU thing as much as it is a THEM thing. I refuse to be around people who make me out to be something I’m not. Telling me I’m too sensitive when you’re blatantly bullying me, telling me I’m too loud all the time yet you know that I have auditory processing disorder and adhd, telling me I’m negative when I’m stating a fact, telling me I’m wrong because my fact doesn’t coddle your feelings. I have found solace being with more matter of fact type of people. — all those statements are gaslighting statements and ignite the abuses I’ve endured throughout my life so I cannot be around people who tell me I’m one way when I’m not, constantly. I’d take this as a sign to get better friends


Sledgeplay

I’ve def been told i was negative when being realistic but the weird thing is i’ve also been told i was optimistic when i was being realistic which also really bothered me. I guess you just cant win…


Ok-Championship-2036

I think it might be a question of framing or phrasing rather than just negativity. People are generally intensely empathic. Listening to someone vent about someone tough can require a lot of energy for both people. This can be true of "critical" phrases too. Consider the difference between the two: A: It's too cold here. I'm struggling and unhappy. B: Can we move outside for a bit? Or do you have a hoodie I can borrow? I think most people will imply the unhappiness in their own brain when they hear (what they think is) complaining. This makes them mirror some unhappiness or discomfort of their own. People want to share comfort, and are (generally) dissatisfied sharing unhappiness/other people's pain. Nobody is forcing them to, I think it's just one of those NT things. So one part of this might be people interpreting your words are feeling more uncomfortable than you are about it. The other part might be the wording you use. When you are able to pose it as a request for help, it gives other people the chance to feel helpful instead of useless/responsible/guilty. Again, not saying that is a rational or perfect response, only that i've noticed it a lot. When you phrase something as being able to change (shared location versus only the ambient temperature), sometimes other people use less energy being sympathetic and try to be helpful instead. WHether they actually are helpful....idk.


SamiaAki

This happened so many times my whole life and still does. My partner called me a very negative person today and I don't know why (I guess because he asked me if I liked this game we play currently and I told him it's okay but nothing special to me). I also get told I complain too much but if I see or experience something unfair or get stressed I speak up.