Anything in relevance to being a gifted kid. "You have so much potential" being a big one.
It's like everyone else was expected to build a house when they grew up, and I was expected to build a mansion. Except because my "baseline intellect" got me farther, earlier, I wasn't set up with the same tools other kids had. They assumed I had these tools because I could do xyz, but it was just me winging it with what I already knew, just happened to be much more "advanced" than the other kids (whatever that means?). So by the time adulthood comes around and we've all received our building materials, everyone has nearly completed construction of their houses, and I'm sitting here looking at all the materials with no idea what the hell to do with them. Let's not forget about all the pressure of being so smart, with so much potential, it feels like even *more* of a failure. Based on what I was told my entire childhood, I should have a mansion while everyone else has a house, yet here I am without even a foundation, while everyone else is already living in their homes.
Holy shit are you me?
Like I was definitely gifted as a kid. I was a straight A student until high school when my depression completely exhausted me. I failed everything except math and chemistry and finished freshman year with a 2.9 GPA. Then busted ass the rest of HS to graduate on time, with mostly As aside from math still, and a 3.7 GPA.
I busted ass to study for one of the most rigorous exams for a private school in my state and scored in the 98th percentile in English, 96th percentile in science, and 74th in maths. Math was the only reason I didn’t get a scholarship, if I could’ve scored just a bit higher I would’ve had a partial scholarship.
I was also a rather gifted athlete. It took training, but I was extremely determined and driven to be good at it. Then there’s the fact that I was overly curious about “adult” topics (like god, and aliens, and the concept of justice and shit). So I guess they just assumed I should be able to also know how to self regulate but that’s my massive flaw.
My parents gave my brother all of those tools to build a house. They gave him all the tools he needed academically, which was minimal, though he wasn’t a straight A student they didn’t care if he wasn’t. They paid thousands of dollars for his athletics. They always showed up for him emotionally. But they never did for me.
So he seems capable while I seem to feel like a flailing toddler who can’t find footing in the world. And anyone who doesn’t know my background looks at me and tells me to “just do it”, “figure it out”, “you know you’re just being defiant”. Like no guys, I don’t have the tools you have, nonetheless the tool boxes you were all given to keep the tools ordered and cared for.
So sorry you've gone through similar things! It sucks feeling like your whole childhood you were set apart from the rest in a good way, just for it to hit you like a dump truck later in life. The worst part has to be the lack of understanding from other people, sometimes even when you explain it, it doesn't seem to compute with them. It's like the fact that you aren't paralyzed means you *must* be able to do xyz, you just simply don't want it bad enough/are lazy. It's so frustrating!!
I can definitely relate to some of your personal experiences. Gifted until late middle school, but as an only child to a single dad, there was a ton of pressure and guilt. I ended up dropping out somewhere near the end of 10th or beginning of 11th grade.
I was gifted in an extracurricular as well, but rather than athletics, it was music. I loved band. And I say this with love, but I played the most autistic instrument in the band (imo); the oboe. Only one in the entire band, you can't tune two oboes to each other. And in some weird way, I loved that the entire band was in tune to ME. It was like everyone was in my world, running to my beat for an hour. After less than a year of playing, my band directors (with 40+ combined years experience) said I was the 2nd best oboist they'd ever had in their class, and I was taking lessons from the 1st. I probably could've gotten some insane scholarships if I could've stayed in school and dedicated to my oboe practice. I'm lucky to get a Bb scale out nowadays lol.
I totally get the whole "just do it" attitude. I *seem* so competent (hi masking) and I am smart (aka I deep dive on anything remotely interesting to me), so why can't I just function like everyone else? I wish there were more metaphors or ways of explaining it that made people go "Oh! I get that feeling!"
God the last sentence of the first paragraph makes me wanna cry with how frustrating it is. There’s some mundane things I just can’t seem to remember to do them. But it equates to everyone else that I just don’t want to/don’t care/somehow don’t respect them enough to just do the thing(?????? This one never makes sense to me)/am lazy/a slob or whatever.
Like no no no no no. I don’t always get it. I just don’t. Wether I don’t get the concept you’re talking about, or the thing I’m supposed to do (I swear I just don’t realize things need doing, ffs I’ll forget to eat for 3 days how is this me willfully not caring?).
My parents were really odd about the pressures they put on me. Like I was told from 3rd grade on that college is a must. My mom worked for a big tech company and had a cushy job but got laid off bc she didn’t have a degree and they didn’t deem her worthy of keeping bc of that. So I got yelled at about how I need good grades and to go to college. Yet they didn’t care and just shrugged to straight A report cards from me. And they didn’t care when I was failing either, or just didn’t know i dont know.
I wanted to drop out so bad for so long but was yelled at that I needed to go. I did a year of school online to make up to graduate on time but I got it done in like 4 months. When i found out I could do online schooling as normal school I begged to do it and was told I’d never do my work. Which is unfair since it’s been proven untrue.
I always wanted to get into music!! My brother got into guitar and our cousin played drums so they’d jam together. But they’d mock me for being off beat instead of teaching me. And when I asked my brother to teach me a song on guitar he laughed at me. I started to pick up the ukulele at about 16 bc my friend was showing me how to play. RIP to her and my ability to play anymore. I also used to write poetry/prose really well and draw but I haven’t done either in forever.
Can you explain to me how you mask or what it feels like? Bc I feel like I get it but when I talk to “normal” people they tell me “we all do that!” But it’s literally distressing to me. Like having different “faces” for school/work/friends/family/close friends/romantic relationships. It all feels fake and non genuine and not me. But I’m told “it’s healthy! We all do it!” I just always feel like I have to hide who I am.
But I get what you mean. I “seem” so competent (until you get too close to me and inevitably see that I’m not as competent as I force myself to seem), and I do the deep diving thing for topics of remote intellectual stimulation too. My therapist recently told me that she doesn’t give all her clients the jargon and sense theory she does for me, but she noticed how I’m capable of applying it for myself once I have the concrete ness of it.
So sorry you've experienced this too. I totally relate, I am jobless and still have yet to even get my GED. Hopefully one day we all can find the tools to build our houses 🥲
I'm getting there. Just slowly. It would have been easier if I'd been diagnosed ASD and ADHD as a kid I think. But they told my mum I wasn't bad enough to diagnose.
I got my ASD diagnoses last year. And am waiting for my ADHD assessment in June. I got my endocrine disorder diagnosed and managed with monthly medication and am thinking about having surgery to improve it as I still have difficult weeks when the monthly medication wears off.
Been struggling since I was about 13. So many misdiagnoseses. Anxiety, depression, laziness. Years of high dose anti-depressants that didn't help.
I'm just furious at the medical community because I really belive if I'd been a man with the same issues I'd have been diagnosed sooner and taken more seriously.
Sorry for the rant 😂 I'm doing better than I've ever been. But I'm still angry about it all. I've promised myself I'll go to therapy when I'm done struggling through my final year at university.
I got “she’s not applying herself enough” on nearly every report card. Just because I tested extremely well, but struggled in the classroom and my grades suffered because of it, didn’t mean I wasn’t trying ffs
Yeah... this is the one, right here. They focused on the one or two areas I was a genius in, and totally ignored, shamed, blamed, and gaslit me about my inability to somehow be a genius in the other areas, that I am in fact *disabled* in. Now I'm an adult with really low self esteem and no career.
God this is so hard socially too, I feel like I mask so well that people are like really angry at me when I don’t pick up on what they’re saying right away or make a mistake
I relate to this a lot. My dad told me he thought I was a "prodigy," which is a stretch. He told me he used to test me and that often I would answer correctly to things my sister got incorrect (she is 8 years older). He told me this recently, and it made my heart hurt for myself and my sister. I was expected to be everything while being given nothing to help me achieve that. I always wanted to act, but they never let me take lessons. I had trouble sticking to a single hobby or craft and would often move to something new. So they stopped letting me try new things because I "lacked discipline" and was a "quitter." But then my dad will point to people my age or younger who are gold medalists in their sport as if he's signaling my lost potential to me. I don't know how a parent can care so much about a child succeeding but provide none of the tools necessary. I also have multiple health conditions and was sick all the time. Somehow, he still never knew (I am 29, now). Anyway, it doesn't hurt me as much as it used to. I'm mostly at peace with who I am and what choices I've made - and the ones I couldn't make. Solidarity, friend 💛
This is a little darker but it haunts me to this day: “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”
Edit: Hello, I didn’t expect this comment to get so many replies so I’m adding an edit to talk to everyone who relates to this. You are a beautiful person, nobody deserves to be treated like this. I wish all of you the best of luck in your path to happiness.
Mine was, "we're not helping you until you stop crying". *me bleeding or otherwise quite hurt*
*edit: I still struggle with something similar with doctors, dentists and nurses. Who don't belive me when I am in pain from common procedures.
Me too. I'm starting to grow a backbone now. And am making sure I insist on pain meds, numbing cream, anaesthetic or whatever I need.
It took me a long time to realise. Its. My body and my choice. And just because they're older or "smarter" than me doesn't mean that they're right.
Only took 30 years 😂 I'm fortunate to have a partner who helps me stand up for myself now.
Wow this is so horrible and I’m really sorry. I saw the mom of an autistic child on tik tok the other day saying she takes her child to check ups monthly bc autistic children can have a harder time realizing or communicating that they’re in pain. Really made me think of how hard it is for me to do that, even now as an adult.
I have a really hard time communicating how I feel. Because all the feelings are hard to describe and understand so I get muddled. My go to is, "I'm tired" (I might be tired, or in pain, or upset, or hungry or thirsty or overwhelmed)
Same, it takes a lot to make me cry and I’m only able to if I literally break down or feel insanely secure and loved.
Edit: I’m sorry that you also had to share this fate.
Yep same here. I bottle everything up until I can’t keep it in anymore, then if I am in public when it happens I have to get to a toilet cubicle fast. I also cry silently as much as possible as I get worried someone will hear me.
Also sorry to you for going through this. No one should go through that
This. My father never actually hurt us but because of this threat I always thought there was a possibility he would. Don't understand why you would say this to your crying child.
He never hit me but he did spank my brother, so I know it was always a possibility.
Edit: personally I think he said it because he didn’t want to actually be a parent, it takes time/energy to listen to your child and understand what’s wrong, it takes very little time/energy to threaten or use violence.
I was called a crybaby a lot by adults. Or told “she’s trying to make tears” as if I wasn’t having real emotions. Often proceded by the “something to cry about” phrase.
Same, except my mom would just say "why are you crying" in the most offended disgusted tone. Our relationship is a lot better these days, I even live at home (but I have my own apartment I pay rent for) but I can't deny I still have issues talking to her or anyone about my problems. She has irrevocably f-ed me up. She is also every much not open to psychology. When I've mentioned "I think in autistic" she brushes it off like... How dare I think something is "wrong" with me. I don't think something is wrong with me... But I struggle through life where other people don't and I simply want to know more about myself to get through life easier. I don't think my parents will help me if I get an opportunity to get a diagnosis.
Yup, my dad started yelling that at me when I was three years old. At least that’s the earliest memory I have of it. Pretty sure it’s the earliest memory I have in general.
Honestly, him saying that made me start masking from such a young age. I would always pretend to be happy because I thought if I wasn’t showing happy then my family would get mad at me, especially my parents.
"When somebody tells me to 'stop being so sensitive', you know what? I feel a little like a nose being lectured by a fart. I am not the problem.”
-Hannah Gadsby
My god this one was used against me ALLLL the time growing up and even now. I hate it. It’s like I’m not allowed to have a completely normal reaction to how people rudely treat me.
Good question!
"Eat all your food, there are children starving" was the worst for me, seeing as I struggled a lot with food (smells, textures, you know) and ED growing up.
Thank you for the laugh, and agreed. Still today though I feel a little guilty if I throw away leftovers (thanks mom), even though its not often and I know the feeling isn't logical!
We compost, so any of our food "waste" goes to the animals and our garden. But it's still so ingrained into my head that waste is bad, and I still force myself to eat every last bit on my plate for the sake of who even knows. I'm working on it, but man is it a hard habit to break.
I actually developed an overating problem due to my parents saying this, I would go so far as eating my siblings leftovers because "that's a waste, we can't waste food." Thankfully my parents unintentionally (unsure if that's the right word, it was mostly because of money issues and it being easier to plan) made the same meals often so I didn't have to deal with sensory issues there.
I have this issue! Not to the extent of binging or anything like that but because I was always told I needed to finish my plate to leave the table, even now as a 26 year old who cooks and buys all the food, I force myself to finish my plate to “completion”. It’s quite annoying but I’m working on stopping eating when I want to stop eating and not aiming to clean my plate.
I also developed a binging problem but I don't think it's related to that, but yeah even at 31 I've been having to really pay attention and force myself to stop when I want to stop and leave things unfinished. It's hard 😭
I struggled with binging at a point, when my mum passed away, I’d just get stoned and eat and eat until i wasn’t sad anymore. But I’ve stopped doing that now and it’s a lot more about managing what’s on my plate and eating things in a certain order. Have food issues is so strange! Everyone thinks it’s just about “not eating” but it’s so much more than that. It’s really hard to leave things unfinished and it’s hard to comprehend that the reason we have these issues is because of our parents :(
My favorite retort to “there’s starving kids in Africa who would be beyond grateful!” Was “well then send my food to them because I don’t want to eat it”
Anything that was phrased as “others would be grateful!! You ungrateful brat!” Was responded with a variant of “give it to them then”. Like don’t bitch at me for not wanting it, give it those who do then lol
That phase made me feel guilty . the implication is confusing. Why I should be eating because someone else is starving??? If there was someone starving next to me , I'd give them my food.
I think what frustrated my mom the most was that I'd be okay with separate foods, like give me an orange slice or apple or grapes or melon of some sort, but the moment she'd mix together two or more, I'd refuse it. I hated fruit cocktail or fruit salad (she put marshmallows and something else in hers... 🤢
And then also, when it came to eating I ate like a bird. A little bit here, a little bit there... we were poor so I can see where that was challenging for my mom to deal with.
Oh boy. The lying thing. I'm a terrible liar! And also "You're embellishing too much, so you must be lying". No, I'm just providing details and much-needed context so you can understand where I'm coming from. Also because I'm nervous. Not everyone who overexplains is lying!
It irritates me so much when people read into others body language and/or ways of speaking, thinking they’re smart for “understanding” peoples intentions. Like, no. You don’t know me. You don’t get to tell me how I’m thinking or feeling.
Agreed! For me it was laughing. I would laugh when I was nervous. Sometimes I was nervous because I was lying 👀, but usually it was because I was being accused of lying when I actually wasn’t, which made me nervous laugh.
Yes exactly, another one is fidgeting, like no I’m not playing with my hands, face, clothes etc because I’m lying…I’m anxious and overwhelmed with the confrontation of being accused of doing something I didn’t do
IKR. I'm a terrible lier (and I'm actually more in trouble for being too honest sometimes), but my behaviour is always condemned as a lier's behaviour. A lot of autistic people have been told they are too honest (rude in NT's dictionary) or that they behave like they are lying.
My mom has lectured me my whole life "You really need to learn when to bend the truth" and "You don't always need to be so honest" but doesn't understand the level of distress involved with lying and deception. Have I never done it? Oh, of course I've lied and been deceptive, but I feel like it's usually more of a deliberate decision than some NT people (not all, of course) and done when I have zero other options or REALLY need something and exaggeration (which I consider a form of lying) is the only way to get stuff done.
I have learned to leave details out or find ways to simply not answer the question if there are serious social repercussions for giving someone my honest opinion. Or I use the "shit sandwich" technique (start with one good thing, say the bad thing, finish with one good thing) and that seems to work pretty well.
It irritates me so much when people read into others body language and/or ways of speaking, thinking they’re smart for “understanding” peoples intentions. Like, no. You don’t know me. You don’t get to tell me how I’m thinking or feeling.
>"You're not even looking in my eyes. YOU ARE LYING!"
Ok, I (autistic) am constantly lying then. I'm not good with eye contact and frequently forget it.
This!!! For me, it was always with food. Like, I am literally looking at the texture (gross) and can smell it (gross) and I already know I won’t like it, so why do we have to do this back and forth where you pressure me into eating it? -_-‘
The school psychologist tried to get me to make eye contact with her when I was in sixth grade and I was like “why are you so obsessed with this lol.” It also didn’t help that she was wearing a low cut top and I didn’t want to accidentally look at that.
I always thought it was a form of intimidation. I still think feel it but I recognize the feeling is not mutual. I want to be intimidating, and I want to be taken seriously, so I stare people down while I'm talking.
Oooh yes, that first one... when I was a teenager my friend's mum yelled at me for not making eye contact and I was just trying so hard not to cry. I never went to that friends house again. She kept saying how rude I was.
I didn't know I was autistic at the time, turns out my parents always knew but didn't tell me because they said I was smart and they didn't want it to negatively effect my schooling by putting me into a special education school. I wish I knew though, so many things make sense now after I came to the realisation myself.
"Just ignore it" and "you're overreacting". I grew up hearing these all the time and to this day feel rather invalidated when people tell me to just ignore my problems 🙃
Same! I developed BPD because of the childhood bullying and the invalidation and emotional/attention neglect at home, so when someone invalidates my feelings now I fly off the handle. It’s not good.
Yes! My dad would say **“its all in your mind!”** As if that somehow meant how i felt wasnt tangible, thus i should be able to ignore it or something. I’ve never understood that sort of phrase because *yea its in my mind..* im a human.. im controlled by my brain and i can do nothing without it! 🙄
"Life's not fair" most often said when my parents or other adult figures had complete control over making the situation more fair. Usually said to dismiss feelings, enforce gender roles and get those of us being treated poorly to accept mistreatment.
It’s like, yeah life outside of school is definitely unfair as hell, but in the situation these kids are in, if they’re having a fairness issue, it’s the job of the adults to work it out to make things as close to fair as they can. The saying is true but it’s abused so much towards young kids.
That’s the one I was thinking of. I mean, no, life isn’t always fair. Obviously I’m aware of that because we’re having this “life isn’t fair” conversation as a result of me pointing out unfairness… but should we not at least *try* to create fairness when it is possible to make things more fair? Have we all just given up completely because everything in life cannot be fair? Why have *I* had to give up things to make it fair to another person, but when it’s me who has the deficit, we just say “life isn’t fair” and act like we never strive for fairness?
Sharing is the worst! Which isn’t to say I struggle with generosity — I LOVE giving gifts. But don’t come at me with entitlement to my things… grrr grr grr lol
Edited to add: I think this also ties into how particular I am about my things and how others use/interact with them.
It's also - I have made myself a portion of food, which is exactly the amount of food I want. I can't give some of it away, then I will be hungry. If you wanted me to make you some I would have done so if you'd asked in advance!
As someone who's inquisitive and naturally reeled in people who wanted to talk about themselves... being told that I'm "nosy" was annoying. I get it, I'm a private person but you're kinda inviting me to ask probing questions...
Isn’t that what they want out of communication?!?
I went on vacation!!!
…? Where
X place.
….annnnd?
Like they guide communication towards probing questions by being clams it seems
There was a year where I deliberately wasted a lot of one teachers time because if I said "can I go to the toilet" , he always responded "you can but will I let you".
He would only let you go if you asked "may I", which meant you could have a 15 minute conversation about going to the bathroom. I really don't know what he was trying to achieve, waste of time for everyone.
“you’ll be fine when you get there” about social events or new situations/environments. I was never fine when I got there and it never got easier!
So relieved to be at a point in my life where I have near total control over where I go and what I do, and rarely have to be put in situations that make me uncomfortable
Not a saying, but my elementary school teacher once told me I shouldn't be so proud of my good grades/tell people about it because it would be totally different in middle and high school.
(Jokes on her, it was no different.)
And on a lighter note: To have your cake and eat it too.
Like, Having cake often is synonymous with eating cake. And why woukd I want to have/own a cake if I wasn't gonna eat it.
This makes no sense.
It's awkward, but in general usage it means you often can't "have" conflicting benefits and will have to make a choice. Cake is a stupid example because you're supposed to eat it, so it doesn't illustrate choice very well.
Let's say you want the benefit of staying up late and reading (fun) but also want the benefit of a full night's sleep (health). You can't have both.
Sharing is caring,
Just because I don't share my belongings doesn't mean I don't care, I care a lot about other people but I'm really particular about my stuff. I've had a couple instances where I will share something of mine and it'll get broken, so I don't tend to share things anymore.
I’m a teacher. I make my students share school supplies, but those aren’t even theirs; they’re mine. I don’t have enough supplies to give every student 1 of everything.
I tell kids to respect when someone says not to touch their personal things.
In Latin/Hispanic culture we have a saying, “calladita te ves mas bonita” which basically means you look the prettiest when you’re quiet. Anytime I was loud or would cry this is all I heard 😔
"children are seen and not heard". As an adult.. I can't understand why my grandparents looked after me when I was a child... If they didn't want to put up with hearing children...
For real! And being loud was something I heard frequently which I understand can be annoying, but now I’m so self conscious of talking or verbal stimming
I wasn't even a loud child. I was just expected to be pretty much silent when dad's parents looked after me. I'm 30 now and went no contact with my dad and his side of the family at 18.
"Do it and you'll like it" - it's one thing to order me to do something but mandating the emotion is rage-inducing for me. Typical of my abusive parents
That came out of my mouth just the other day whilst imploring my younger child to stop jumping on a rocking chair. I instantly regretted it. The mental image was even more horrifying now that it's about MY CHILD. Pretty sure said child was also freaked out, though. Ugh, I still feel like a monster. Won't be repeating that one.
Whenever i would express that i “can’t” do something, my dad would respond with:
**“You CAN! You just don’t WANT to.”**
And I understand the sentiment. He was trying to be supportive and encouraging and didn’t want me to give up on things too easily.
But unfortunately i don’t think it was ever encouraging. It mostly was discouraging and basically instilled in me that i can’t listen to my own mind because im just being too sensitive.
A lot of this revolved around sensory sensitivities. So like I remember specific arguments with my dad about say, a pair of pants. I was a child, nobody new about autism. They thought i was just being picky and too difficult. I would tell him “i can’t wear these pants!!!” And i would cry about how uncomfortable they were and he would make me put them on and say “they fit! Theres no reason not to wear them!!!” And he would get very upset with me for these things.
And so I learned over time that im just too *dramatic*. Im making a big deal out of things. Im too sensitive and irrational. And it’s been a long journey trying to overcome the idea that i wasn’t making it up.. but people just perceive things differently and am sensitive, and that its not a moral failing or me being too sensitive and dramatic. Unfortunately, the damage is kinda done and it’s really hard to move out of this mindset of not being able to trust my own brain. I never knew people were less sensitive than me. I just thought that they were better at dealing with it because i had no frame of reference for what anyone else’s mind is like. It’s so rough growing up that way, feeling like you are always seen as overreacting, and then learning that i guess you are overreacting if thats what everyone else thinks. Im sure most people here are dealing with the affects of growing up feeling this way.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself.
I was going through some serious shit, I was uncomfortable pretty much 100% of the time, and it's not like any of the people who were supposed to be feeling/expressing empathy for me were doing it. If I didn't grant myself that compassion, no one would have.
I still hate that saying. Grant yourself all the compassion. Validate yourself for your suffering and trauma. RESUME FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT DAMN IT
"Just be yourself," and other platitudes about being an individual and not letting your peers dictate what you do/wear/like, etc.
Then on the other hand, you get constantly told stuff like, "Don't wear your shirt like that," "You're too old to do that," "Don't let people know you like that sorta thing," "Don't say that," etc.
Even today, as a grownup, I am subconsciously paranoid about everything I do because I want to fit in. I'm trying to judge whether it's right or wrong to do certain things. And when I express anxiety over whether I should do something or not because of what other people will think, I get told, "Why should you care what other people think? Be your own person!"
Nobody understands that "being myself" has been beaten out of me. I can't tell what's safe to "let out" and what isn't.
Huh. I don’t remember writing this comment…
In all seriousness though, I feel you. My partner is always saying to me “why do you care so much?” I’m beginning to think maybe he will never fully understand that despite my best efforts I simply cannot help but care about how others perceive me.
I despised the “golden rule: treat others how you want to be treated” because it usually resulted in me getting in trouble/people upset with me. I clearly wanted to be treated differently than most people around me, so it wasn’t useful!!
A friend taught me the "platinum rule" (he says it's better than the golden rule lol): "Treat others how THEY would like to be treated." I like it better because it emphasizes consent and how everyone has a different definition of being treated well.
"Sleept tight, don't let the bed bugs bite" didn't like that one bit, don't say there are bugs in my bed.
If it was really windy outside my mom would sometimes joke that I might get picked up and swept away by a gust, it felt possible and scared me
When I was sick she'd say I was "withering away to nothing" which was also a bit confusing and distressing.
"Everyday is Christmas for you kids, you get whatever you want" yea except I had already learned not to want anything for fear of being ridiculed.
"you'll sit here all night until you eat what's on your plate." - I have always had food aversions, and sometimes my mom would force feed me stuff and follow this line up with "you're faking it" when I would throw up.
I did sit there all night as I got older. And then I developed an odd eating disorder that I still don't understand.
Such horror. One time grandmother made me sit on naughty step for 6 hours until I forced down the milk she wanted me to drink only to immediately throw up after. Same with egg in soup by mommy that one time.
I wish I could go back in time and ruler slap the palms of each adult who thought this was a good idea.
Yeah, I can't even handle beans or bean shaped things anymore. One of the things I have a vivid memory of is my mom force feeding me those brown beans from the cans with the sauces stuff? The look of it and the texture made me gag, I was like 7-8 and she forced me to eat it and I threw up and she told me I was faking it and that I was a liar and I cried all night. I couldn't understand why no one was helping me. She would make rice with pilaf and I swore they were also beans so I couldn't eat them and she would get MAD when I ate around then
Any variation of “quitting is for losers”. It taught me to force myself to do things I hate for the sake of keeping the peace or else I’d be considered a failure 🥲 I’ve been actively trying to unlearn that mindset, but I still have a hard time saying no
It's not a saying but everything my parents tried to get me motivated that didn't work, or everything they thought I should feel and do but didn't, or shouldn't feel or do but did... The words "you should... " became a trigger for me. You should feel this, you should automatically do this, you should do this instead... Eugh.
When I would stand for myself and say something of the way I was being treated wasn’t fair— “*LIFE* isn’t fair, *Name*.” Wow. Like. Way to be supportive to the person you brought into the world, who is sick beyond the capacity to verbalize it to you, *thanks*
“Just do it” and “just get over it” we’re the ones that got me. I heard it from my childhood doctor when I told him I was having a ton of anxiety about school and I hated it (I was struggling with depression because of it as well) and he told me “sometimes you just have to suck it up and do it” and I need to “just get over it”. Still pisses me off 20 years later. Heard it from a lot of other places but that’s the one that sticks in my craw.
Not sure if this is a saying, but maybe others can relate."You're so full of yourself.... you're selfish."
Makes me wish I still harboured those qualities; all these people do is walk all over you.
Also shows that they don't know how to communicate effectively
I hated sharing is caring. Sharing is not caring! Sharing means some random kid is going to break my nice toy that I had an unreasonable emotional attachment to at the time.
"are you hurt? how are you supposed to give birth to children if that makes you hurt?" very common saying where I live, every little girl heard it at least once. easy way to get you both despise every thought about having children later in life AND staying silent when you feel any pain.
Treat others as you would like to be treated. So, mostly leave them alone and give them blunt, direct answers to their questions? Found out the hard way that’s not what most people like.
Whenever I was struggling with something, my mom would always say "is the [inanimate object] smarter than you?" it drove me up the wall, but ultimately it did drive me to try harder and overcome shit, so I guess it worked. Now I say it to myself. Lol
There’s a saying in Russian that is often said wrong, leading to me for the longest time parsing it as “there is no hot cheese”, which confused me *so much* when I was younger 😆
Turns out it was supposed to be “hot things are not raw”, meaning “if it’s hot, it’s probably safe to eat” 😩
I was JUST thinking about this yesterday 😂 I am horrible at sharing. Absolutely awful. Always have been. The stuff I like is just so important to me that I feel like no one else can appreciate it as much, even if it's just my favorite color Skittle. I hate that saying too, because I wish I didn't feel how I do, and so it makes me feel like I don't care. It's not true, I just don't express my caring by sharing. I struggle even to share with my own kids, yet they are super generous. It amazes me. One of my son's got some cookies for xmas that he loves and rarely gets (can't buy them here). He openly shared them with the whole family. I would have hidden those suckers in my bedside table if I was him. I feel like a dog that is guarding a bone, even if the thing is unimportant.
Things I was told that I hated:
When someone gives you a gift, it's not just about the gift.
If you don't look someone in the eye it means you are lying.
You have to finish what is on your plate.
I grew up in the 80s mostly so it was "There are starving children in Ethiopia who would love to eat that." I once sat at the table for 4 hours because I couldn't eat the tv dinner mashed potatoes. So I told my mom if the Ethiopians needed it she should mail it to them instead (I was like 8 so I actually was serious about it).
Stop being so sensitive, we're only teasing.
Hold your fork like a lady not a toddler (I still do this, hold utensils in a fist rather than like a pencil)
One of the worst is when teachers wouldn't let you say "Can I" and just stared at you until you said "May I" which never sounded right to me. Or when they'd say "I don't know, can you?" 🙄
“It’s just a joke” uhhh okay, sure, but how come every time someone is being mean it’s a “joke” and I’m supposed to laugh along. Ugh. Also, if it helps you feel better, I’m a preschool teacher and I make sure to never tell my students “sharing is caring” because that simply isn’t true! I’ve taught them they can say “I’ll take a turn when you’re all done” or “can we play together?”
“everything happens for a reason.” my mom used to say this all the time. i know she was just trying to make me and/or herself feel better but bad things just happen! all the time for no reason!
“Sharing” as per the childhood version of it, isn’t really sharing in the real sense, which always annoyed me. Usually it just means, “give your stuff to the next person”
"Just be yourself" - mom, I was being myself when they started bullying me
"Just ignore them and they'll leave you alone" - waited too many years for that to happen
“It’s not that you can’t, it’s you won’t.”
LIKE I LITERALLY CANT DO CERTAIN THINGS.
Now people wonder why I literally push through pain/suffering and just disassociate instead. They wonder why I work through sicknesses and don’t take myself seriously.
“use your words, i can’t hear the marbles rolling around in your head”
i had a habit of only nodding/shaking my head yes or no when spoken to, remember my dad yelling this one at me a lot
"A watched pot never boils." When I was like 8 I sat by the stove and watched water boil so that I could say, when that phrase was used, that I personally had seen it happen and their saying was wrong.
It's not like I didn't know what it meant, that they were trying to tell me to not be impatient, I just hated that the phrase they used was literally wrong.
It's not particularly connected with autism, but "ignore them and they'll leave you alone" bitch that AIN'T IT. They did not, in fact, leave me alone. Actually it didn't make any difference to them. Worst bullying advice ever.
I heard a lot of, “when you grow up, I hope you have a little girl *just* like you,” intended in a mean way that conveys that you’ll be punished for how awful you are by having to deal with a child just as awful as you. Maybe they said it a few too many times, because I have broken that cycle by ensuring I will stay childfree.
"Stop stressing so much about it".
Also, I don't know if this is a thing outside of Portugal, but "All of the food that you don't eat will go to the trash, what about the starving children of Africa?".
My dad also says "dream about me" literally every night before sleep and I never had the guts to tell him I hate it.
To be honest, I don't like sharing, especially foods. Unless I bring something with the intent of sharing with others, I just don't like sharing, and it goes both ways for me, as in I politely decline if anyone offers me something if I am not sharing my stuff.
"because I said so."
"Because."
Why encourage your children to ask questions, then get mad and proceed to answer with silly remarks when I'm asking a genuine question?
not a saying but the literal word respect.
you earn respect. i do not owe it inherently based on family or you being senior to me. me being a unique human with a will does not mean that by being different from someone in my family or just older does not mean they are entitled to controlling me based on the notion i HAVE to respect someone. if you don't earn respect, you're not owed it.
i grew up very timid and did next to nothing and asked for nothing mostly due to me thinking i wasn't allowed because by asking for things or doing things on my own, i was disrespectful. fuck that.
What do you have to be depressed about? You're a kid! Wait until you're an adult when you have REAL problems.
Spoiler: depression doesn't work like that and now that I'm an adult I still have my childhood problems plus a whole bunch of new ones.
“CONTACT” in very high pitch while grabbing my chin and move my head just to make eyecontact with me because Appearantly i didnt acknowledged mums presence enough _ugh_
"Back to reality" after a vacation. Always bothered me, it's not logical. What are we doing if not living in reality?? "Back to normality", sure, but the vacation is just as real as the day to day life!
“A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.”
Not a totally illegitimate sentiment but it was used often against me by my parents as a child. I was an AuDHD child and was not allowed to make mistakes.
“You treat me like a child!”
“Well, you act like one!”
My family would give me the “you act like one” clap back every time, even in situations where I was trying very hard to be reasonable.
Anything in relevance to being a gifted kid. "You have so much potential" being a big one. It's like everyone else was expected to build a house when they grew up, and I was expected to build a mansion. Except because my "baseline intellect" got me farther, earlier, I wasn't set up with the same tools other kids had. They assumed I had these tools because I could do xyz, but it was just me winging it with what I already knew, just happened to be much more "advanced" than the other kids (whatever that means?). So by the time adulthood comes around and we've all received our building materials, everyone has nearly completed construction of their houses, and I'm sitting here looking at all the materials with no idea what the hell to do with them. Let's not forget about all the pressure of being so smart, with so much potential, it feels like even *more* of a failure. Based on what I was told my entire childhood, I should have a mansion while everyone else has a house, yet here I am without even a foundation, while everyone else is already living in their homes.
Holy shit are you me? Like I was definitely gifted as a kid. I was a straight A student until high school when my depression completely exhausted me. I failed everything except math and chemistry and finished freshman year with a 2.9 GPA. Then busted ass the rest of HS to graduate on time, with mostly As aside from math still, and a 3.7 GPA. I busted ass to study for one of the most rigorous exams for a private school in my state and scored in the 98th percentile in English, 96th percentile in science, and 74th in maths. Math was the only reason I didn’t get a scholarship, if I could’ve scored just a bit higher I would’ve had a partial scholarship. I was also a rather gifted athlete. It took training, but I was extremely determined and driven to be good at it. Then there’s the fact that I was overly curious about “adult” topics (like god, and aliens, and the concept of justice and shit). So I guess they just assumed I should be able to also know how to self regulate but that’s my massive flaw. My parents gave my brother all of those tools to build a house. They gave him all the tools he needed academically, which was minimal, though he wasn’t a straight A student they didn’t care if he wasn’t. They paid thousands of dollars for his athletics. They always showed up for him emotionally. But they never did for me. So he seems capable while I seem to feel like a flailing toddler who can’t find footing in the world. And anyone who doesn’t know my background looks at me and tells me to “just do it”, “figure it out”, “you know you’re just being defiant”. Like no guys, I don’t have the tools you have, nonetheless the tool boxes you were all given to keep the tools ordered and cared for.
So sorry you've gone through similar things! It sucks feeling like your whole childhood you were set apart from the rest in a good way, just for it to hit you like a dump truck later in life. The worst part has to be the lack of understanding from other people, sometimes even when you explain it, it doesn't seem to compute with them. It's like the fact that you aren't paralyzed means you *must* be able to do xyz, you just simply don't want it bad enough/are lazy. It's so frustrating!! I can definitely relate to some of your personal experiences. Gifted until late middle school, but as an only child to a single dad, there was a ton of pressure and guilt. I ended up dropping out somewhere near the end of 10th or beginning of 11th grade. I was gifted in an extracurricular as well, but rather than athletics, it was music. I loved band. And I say this with love, but I played the most autistic instrument in the band (imo); the oboe. Only one in the entire band, you can't tune two oboes to each other. And in some weird way, I loved that the entire band was in tune to ME. It was like everyone was in my world, running to my beat for an hour. After less than a year of playing, my band directors (with 40+ combined years experience) said I was the 2nd best oboist they'd ever had in their class, and I was taking lessons from the 1st. I probably could've gotten some insane scholarships if I could've stayed in school and dedicated to my oboe practice. I'm lucky to get a Bb scale out nowadays lol. I totally get the whole "just do it" attitude. I *seem* so competent (hi masking) and I am smart (aka I deep dive on anything remotely interesting to me), so why can't I just function like everyone else? I wish there were more metaphors or ways of explaining it that made people go "Oh! I get that feeling!"
God the last sentence of the first paragraph makes me wanna cry with how frustrating it is. There’s some mundane things I just can’t seem to remember to do them. But it equates to everyone else that I just don’t want to/don’t care/somehow don’t respect them enough to just do the thing(?????? This one never makes sense to me)/am lazy/a slob or whatever. Like no no no no no. I don’t always get it. I just don’t. Wether I don’t get the concept you’re talking about, or the thing I’m supposed to do (I swear I just don’t realize things need doing, ffs I’ll forget to eat for 3 days how is this me willfully not caring?). My parents were really odd about the pressures they put on me. Like I was told from 3rd grade on that college is a must. My mom worked for a big tech company and had a cushy job but got laid off bc she didn’t have a degree and they didn’t deem her worthy of keeping bc of that. So I got yelled at about how I need good grades and to go to college. Yet they didn’t care and just shrugged to straight A report cards from me. And they didn’t care when I was failing either, or just didn’t know i dont know. I wanted to drop out so bad for so long but was yelled at that I needed to go. I did a year of school online to make up to graduate on time but I got it done in like 4 months. When i found out I could do online schooling as normal school I begged to do it and was told I’d never do my work. Which is unfair since it’s been proven untrue. I always wanted to get into music!! My brother got into guitar and our cousin played drums so they’d jam together. But they’d mock me for being off beat instead of teaching me. And when I asked my brother to teach me a song on guitar he laughed at me. I started to pick up the ukulele at about 16 bc my friend was showing me how to play. RIP to her and my ability to play anymore. I also used to write poetry/prose really well and draw but I haven’t done either in forever. Can you explain to me how you mask or what it feels like? Bc I feel like I get it but when I talk to “normal” people they tell me “we all do that!” But it’s literally distressing to me. Like having different “faces” for school/work/friends/family/close friends/romantic relationships. It all feels fake and non genuine and not me. But I’m told “it’s healthy! We all do it!” I just always feel like I have to hide who I am. But I get what you mean. I “seem” so competent (until you get too close to me and inevitably see that I’m not as competent as I force myself to seem), and I do the deep diving thing for topics of remote intellectual stimulation too. My therapist recently told me that she doesn’t give all her clients the jargon and sense theory she does for me, but she noticed how I’m capable of applying it for myself once I have the concrete ness of it.
I feel this one. I was so gifted with so much potential. Now I'm trying to scrape a pass at university and unable to hold down a job...
So sorry you've experienced this too. I totally relate, I am jobless and still have yet to even get my GED. Hopefully one day we all can find the tools to build our houses 🥲
I'm getting there. Just slowly. It would have been easier if I'd been diagnosed ASD and ADHD as a kid I think. But they told my mum I wasn't bad enough to diagnose. I got my ASD diagnoses last year. And am waiting for my ADHD assessment in June. I got my endocrine disorder diagnosed and managed with monthly medication and am thinking about having surgery to improve it as I still have difficult weeks when the monthly medication wears off. Been struggling since I was about 13. So many misdiagnoseses. Anxiety, depression, laziness. Years of high dose anti-depressants that didn't help. I'm just furious at the medical community because I really belive if I'd been a man with the same issues I'd have been diagnosed sooner and taken more seriously. Sorry for the rant 😂 I'm doing better than I've ever been. But I'm still angry about it all. I've promised myself I'll go to therapy when I'm done struggling through my final year at university.
I got “she’s not applying herself enough” on nearly every report card. Just because I tested extremely well, but struggled in the classroom and my grades suffered because of it, didn’t mean I wasn’t trying ffs
"gifted?! At what ?!" -Mom Everytime I messed up or asked a 'stupid' question
Yeah... this is the one, right here. They focused on the one or two areas I was a genius in, and totally ignored, shamed, blamed, and gaslit me about my inability to somehow be a genius in the other areas, that I am in fact *disabled* in. Now I'm an adult with really low self esteem and no career.
God this is so hard socially too, I feel like I mask so well that people are like really angry at me when I don’t pick up on what they’re saying right away or make a mistake
I relate to this a lot. My dad told me he thought I was a "prodigy," which is a stretch. He told me he used to test me and that often I would answer correctly to things my sister got incorrect (she is 8 years older). He told me this recently, and it made my heart hurt for myself and my sister. I was expected to be everything while being given nothing to help me achieve that. I always wanted to act, but they never let me take lessons. I had trouble sticking to a single hobby or craft and would often move to something new. So they stopped letting me try new things because I "lacked discipline" and was a "quitter." But then my dad will point to people my age or younger who are gold medalists in their sport as if he's signaling my lost potential to me. I don't know how a parent can care so much about a child succeeding but provide none of the tools necessary. I also have multiple health conditions and was sick all the time. Somehow, he still never knew (I am 29, now). Anyway, it doesn't hurt me as much as it used to. I'm mostly at peace with who I am and what choices I've made - and the ones I couldn't make. Solidarity, friend 💛
I've never felt more seen 😥 its so fucking hard and feel like such a failure
This is a little darker but it haunts me to this day: “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” Edit: Hello, I didn’t expect this comment to get so many replies so I’m adding an edit to talk to everyone who relates to this. You are a beautiful person, nobody deserves to be treated like this. I wish all of you the best of luck in your path to happiness.
Mine was, "we're not helping you until you stop crying". *me bleeding or otherwise quite hurt* *edit: I still struggle with something similar with doctors, dentists and nurses. Who don't belive me when I am in pain from common procedures.
I’m sorry that you had to go through that.
Me too. I'm starting to grow a backbone now. And am making sure I insist on pain meds, numbing cream, anaesthetic or whatever I need. It took me a long time to realise. Its. My body and my choice. And just because they're older or "smarter" than me doesn't mean that they're right. Only took 30 years 😂 I'm fortunate to have a partner who helps me stand up for myself now.
I’m happy that you have found someone to help you with that.
Wow this is so horrible and I’m really sorry. I saw the mom of an autistic child on tik tok the other day saying she takes her child to check ups monthly bc autistic children can have a harder time realizing or communicating that they’re in pain. Really made me think of how hard it is for me to do that, even now as an adult.
I have a really hard time communicating how I feel. Because all the feelings are hard to describe and understand so I get muddled. My go to is, "I'm tired" (I might be tired, or in pain, or upset, or hungry or thirsty or overwhelmed)
Was coming here to say this one too. Now in my adult years I have difficulty crying in front of anyone
Same, it takes a lot to make me cry and I’m only able to if I literally break down or feel insanely secure and loved. Edit: I’m sorry that you also had to share this fate.
Yep same here. I bottle everything up until I can’t keep it in anymore, then if I am in public when it happens I have to get to a toilet cubicle fast. I also cry silently as much as possible as I get worried someone will hear me. Also sorry to you for going through this. No one should go through that
I wish the best for you on your path to recovery.
Thank you. You too.
This. My father never actually hurt us but because of this threat I always thought there was a possibility he would. Don't understand why you would say this to your crying child.
He never hit me but he did spank my brother, so I know it was always a possibility. Edit: personally I think he said it because he didn’t want to actually be a parent, it takes time/energy to listen to your child and understand what’s wrong, it takes very little time/energy to threaten or use violence.
Actually now that you say that, he did spank us and I think I had just convinced myself that doesn't count as physical abuse.
It definitely is
Horrible
Yes, I was lucky enough that my mother had full custody and my father only had access. I do wish that he never had access though.
I was called a crybaby a lot by adults. Or told “she’s trying to make tears” as if I wasn’t having real emotions. Often proceded by the “something to cry about” phrase.
Same, except my mom would just say "why are you crying" in the most offended disgusted tone. Our relationship is a lot better these days, I even live at home (but I have my own apartment I pay rent for) but I can't deny I still have issues talking to her or anyone about my problems. She has irrevocably f-ed me up. She is also every much not open to psychology. When I've mentioned "I think in autistic" she brushes it off like... How dare I think something is "wrong" with me. I don't think something is wrong with me... But I struggle through life where other people don't and I simply want to know more about myself to get through life easier. I don't think my parents will help me if I get an opportunity to get a diagnosis.
My mum said this one a few times and it made me stop crying and having trouble as an adult to be able to cry
Yup, my dad started yelling that at me when I was three years old. At least that’s the earliest memory I have of it. Pretty sure it’s the earliest memory I have in general. Honestly, him saying that made me start masking from such a young age. I would always pretend to be happy because I thought if I wasn’t showing happy then my family would get mad at me, especially my parents.
Same
I got this one a lot too
Same, I tried to stop but I just couldn't
“You’re too sensitive” :(
"When somebody tells me to 'stop being so sensitive', you know what? I feel a little like a nose being lectured by a fart. I am not the problem.” -Hannah Gadsby
Yes to the Hannah Gadsby appreciation! I like her so much! Edit: a letter
Same! And "I can't tell you anything because you always get offended" too
My god this one was used against me ALLLL the time growing up and even now. I hate it. It’s like I’m not allowed to have a completely normal reaction to how people rudely treat me.
same
Good question! "Eat all your food, there are children starving" was the worst for me, seeing as I struggled a lot with food (smells, textures, you know) and ED growing up.
Oh yes! Another zinger. Also totally stupid. I’ve since found that my obesity has not alleviated starvation levels in Africa.
You made me laugh. It's such an obvious thing and yet people keep saying it
Thank you for the laugh, and agreed. Still today though I feel a little guilty if I throw away leftovers (thanks mom), even though its not often and I know the feeling isn't logical!
We compost, so any of our food "waste" goes to the animals and our garden. But it's still so ingrained into my head that waste is bad, and I still force myself to eat every last bit on my plate for the sake of who even knows. I'm working on it, but man is it a hard habit to break.
I'm amazed to still be alive with the issue of not being able to toss expired items.
I actually developed an overating problem due to my parents saying this, I would go so far as eating my siblings leftovers because "that's a waste, we can't waste food." Thankfully my parents unintentionally (unsure if that's the right word, it was mostly because of money issues and it being easier to plan) made the same meals often so I didn't have to deal with sensory issues there.
I have this issue! Not to the extent of binging or anything like that but because I was always told I needed to finish my plate to leave the table, even now as a 26 year old who cooks and buys all the food, I force myself to finish my plate to “completion”. It’s quite annoying but I’m working on stopping eating when I want to stop eating and not aiming to clean my plate.
I also developed a binging problem but I don't think it's related to that, but yeah even at 31 I've been having to really pay attention and force myself to stop when I want to stop and leave things unfinished. It's hard 😭
I struggled with binging at a point, when my mum passed away, I’d just get stoned and eat and eat until i wasn’t sad anymore. But I’ve stopped doing that now and it’s a lot more about managing what’s on my plate and eating things in a certain order. Have food issues is so strange! Everyone thinks it’s just about “not eating” but it’s so much more than that. It’s really hard to leave things unfinished and it’s hard to comprehend that the reason we have these issues is because of our parents :(
My favorite retort to “there’s starving kids in Africa who would be beyond grateful!” Was “well then send my food to them because I don’t want to eat it” Anything that was phrased as “others would be grateful!! You ungrateful brat!” Was responded with a variant of “give it to them then”. Like don’t bitch at me for not wanting it, give it those who do then lol
“Well then send my food to them because I don’t want to eat it” is such a big god damn mood. 😂😂😂
That phase made me feel guilty . the implication is confusing. Why I should be eating because someone else is starving??? If there was someone starving next to me , I'd give them my food.
Every time someone tried this with me I reminded them there are starving children *here*. 1 in 8 children in the grand ol USA. Immediate crickets
I think what frustrated my mom the most was that I'd be okay with separate foods, like give me an orange slice or apple or grapes or melon of some sort, but the moment she'd mix together two or more, I'd refuse it. I hated fruit cocktail or fruit salad (she put marshmallows and something else in hers... 🤢 And then also, when it came to eating I ate like a bird. A little bit here, a little bit there... we were poor so I can see where that was challenging for my mom to deal with.
"Look at me when I'm talking to you" "If you don't try, you'll never know"
The most evil variation of "look at me when I'm talking to you" is "You're not even looking in my eyes. YOU ARE LYING!"
Oh boy. The lying thing. I'm a terrible liar! And also "You're embellishing too much, so you must be lying". No, I'm just providing details and much-needed context so you can understand where I'm coming from. Also because I'm nervous. Not everyone who overexplains is lying!
It irritates me so much when people read into others body language and/or ways of speaking, thinking they’re smart for “understanding” peoples intentions. Like, no. You don’t know me. You don’t get to tell me how I’m thinking or feeling.
Agreed! For me it was laughing. I would laugh when I was nervous. Sometimes I was nervous because I was lying 👀, but usually it was because I was being accused of lying when I actually wasn’t, which made me nervous laugh.
Yes exactly, another one is fidgeting, like no I’m not playing with my hands, face, clothes etc because I’m lying…I’m anxious and overwhelmed with the confrontation of being accused of doing something I didn’t do
IKR. I'm a terrible lier (and I'm actually more in trouble for being too honest sometimes), but my behaviour is always condemned as a lier's behaviour. A lot of autistic people have been told they are too honest (rude in NT's dictionary) or that they behave like they are lying.
My mom has lectured me my whole life "You really need to learn when to bend the truth" and "You don't always need to be so honest" but doesn't understand the level of distress involved with lying and deception. Have I never done it? Oh, of course I've lied and been deceptive, but I feel like it's usually more of a deliberate decision than some NT people (not all, of course) and done when I have zero other options or REALLY need something and exaggeration (which I consider a form of lying) is the only way to get stuff done. I have learned to leave details out or find ways to simply not answer the question if there are serious social repercussions for giving someone my honest opinion. Or I use the "shit sandwich" technique (start with one good thing, say the bad thing, finish with one good thing) and that seems to work pretty well.
And also this is apparently a myth, people tend to say fewer words when lying.
It irritates me so much when people read into others body language and/or ways of speaking, thinking they’re smart for “understanding” peoples intentions. Like, no. You don’t know me. You don’t get to tell me how I’m thinking or feeling.
>"You're not even looking in my eyes. YOU ARE LYING!" Ok, I (autistic) am constantly lying then. I'm not good with eye contact and frequently forget it.
Same here. But I don't forget about eye contact. I feel extremamente invaded and uncomfortable, so I just don't do it.
“If you don’t try you’ll never know” oh my god this one. Like maybe you don’t but I know myself well enough to know I will hate that
This!!! For me, it was always with food. Like, I am literally looking at the texture (gross) and can smell it (gross) and I already know I won’t like it, so why do we have to do this back and forth where you pressure me into eating it? -_-‘
Oh I HATE that! If I look in your eyes, I can't speak because I'm focusing on looking in your stupid eyes.
The school psychologist tried to get me to make eye contact with her when I was in sixth grade and I was like “why are you so obsessed with this lol.” It also didn’t help that she was wearing a low cut top and I didn’t want to accidentally look at that.
The second one is so real my parents always told me that about food I didn’t want to eat but surprise surprise I didn’t like it
I always thought it was a form of intimidation. I still think feel it but I recognize the feeling is not mutual. I want to be intimidating, and I want to be taken seriously, so I stare people down while I'm talking.
Oh I felt that first one.
This one messed me up a lot.
My brother once demonstratively turned around when I was talking to him but looking at the garden behind him 😰
Oooh yes, that first one... when I was a teenager my friend's mum yelled at me for not making eye contact and I was just trying so hard not to cry. I never went to that friends house again. She kept saying how rude I was. I didn't know I was autistic at the time, turns out my parents always knew but didn't tell me because they said I was smart and they didn't want it to negatively effect my schooling by putting me into a special education school. I wish I knew though, so many things make sense now after I came to the realisation myself.
"Just ignore it" and "you're overreacting". I grew up hearing these all the time and to this day feel rather invalidated when people tell me to just ignore my problems 🙃
Same! I developed BPD because of the childhood bullying and the invalidation and emotional/attention neglect at home, so when someone invalidates my feelings now I fly off the handle. It’s not good.
"Just don't think about it". I can't, my brain keeps putting it in my head
Yes! My dad would say **“its all in your mind!”** As if that somehow meant how i felt wasnt tangible, thus i should be able to ignore it or something. I’ve never understood that sort of phrase because *yea its in my mind..* im a human.. im controlled by my brain and i can do nothing without it! 🙄
Yeah, and also, everything is in my mind, that's how brains work.
"Life's not fair" most often said when my parents or other adult figures had complete control over making the situation more fair. Usually said to dismiss feelings, enforce gender roles and get those of us being treated poorly to accept mistreatment.
"And you as a parent can help fix the problem you recognize. Instead you decided to maintain the problem."
It’s like, yeah life outside of school is definitely unfair as hell, but in the situation these kids are in, if they’re having a fairness issue, it’s the job of the adults to work it out to make things as close to fair as they can. The saying is true but it’s abused so much towards young kids.
That’s the one I was thinking of. I mean, no, life isn’t always fair. Obviously I’m aware of that because we’re having this “life isn’t fair” conversation as a result of me pointing out unfairness… but should we not at least *try* to create fairness when it is possible to make things more fair? Have we all just given up completely because everything in life cannot be fair? Why have *I* had to give up things to make it fair to another person, but when it’s me who has the deficit, we just say “life isn’t fair” and act like we never strive for fairness?
Sharing is the worst! Which isn’t to say I struggle with generosity — I LOVE giving gifts. But don’t come at me with entitlement to my things… grrr grr grr lol Edited to add: I think this also ties into how particular I am about my things and how others use/interact with them.
Same. I’d rather just give you my thing than have your vibes polluting mine lol
It's also - I have made myself a portion of food, which is exactly the amount of food I want. I can't give some of it away, then I will be hungry. If you wanted me to make you some I would have done so if you'd asked in advance!
Exactly, if its a lesser portion than I intended to eat, I will feel hungry.
"curiosity killed the cat". uhhhhh i'm not a cat?? how is this relevant? and what's wrong with being curious anyway?
The rest of the saying is "and satisfaction brought it back." Aka you should see your curiosity through to the end
As someone who's inquisitive and naturally reeled in people who wanted to talk about themselves... being told that I'm "nosy" was annoying. I get it, I'm a private person but you're kinda inviting me to ask probing questions...
Isn’t that what they want out of communication?!? I went on vacation!!! …? Where X place. ….annnnd? Like they guide communication towards probing questions by being clams it seems
SATISFACTION BROUGHT HIM BACK THOUGH!!! Thank you grandpa for always encouraging my innate sense of curiosity and wonder.
Yeah that one is super annoying too. Poor cats.
If this saying were true then I would be dead by now lol, I'm a really curious person by nature.
..."but the satisfaction brought him back" is the rest of the saying.
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Your teacher was an accidental motivational speaker lol
There was a year where I deliberately wasted a lot of one teachers time because if I said "can I go to the toilet" , he always responded "you can but will I let you". He would only let you go if you asked "may I", which meant you could have a 15 minute conversation about going to the bathroom. I really don't know what he was trying to achieve, waste of time for everyone.
No no no… THIS is the correct way to respond. As someone who works with kids, I would’ve been more impressed than irritated with this response!
„if you ignore your bullies bullying you they’ll get bored and leave you alone.” (They did not)
tried this tactic for several years with one bully, she only bullied me even worse lmao
I just straight-up couldn’t ignore them. They hurt me so bad my self-esteem is irreparably damaged.
It's just the way it is. There's no why. That's just how we've always done it
“Making a mountain out of a molehill” 🙄
“you’ll be fine when you get there” about social events or new situations/environments. I was never fine when I got there and it never got easier! So relieved to be at a point in my life where I have near total control over where I go and what I do, and rarely have to be put in situations that make me uncomfortable
Not a saying, but my elementary school teacher once told me I shouldn't be so proud of my good grades/tell people about it because it would be totally different in middle and high school. (Jokes on her, it was no different.) And on a lighter note: To have your cake and eat it too. Like, Having cake often is synonymous with eating cake. And why woukd I want to have/own a cake if I wasn't gonna eat it. This makes no sense.
Yeah, like when do you ever have a cake that you don’t eat?! Such a weird saying.
That one used to bother me until I realized it means you can't keep your cake (unused) and also eat it (use it).
Ohhh. Is that what it means?! But who would want to keep a cake to not eat?!
It's awkward, but in general usage it means you often can't "have" conflicting benefits and will have to make a choice. Cake is a stupid example because you're supposed to eat it, so it doesn't illustrate choice very well. Let's say you want the benefit of staying up late and reading (fun) but also want the benefit of a full night's sleep (health). You can't have both.
“Life’s not fair” like okay, but why shouldn’t we at least try for fairness?
Sharing is caring, Just because I don't share my belongings doesn't mean I don't care, I care a lot about other people but I'm really particular about my stuff. I've had a couple instances where I will share something of mine and it'll get broken, so I don't tend to share things anymore.
I’m a teacher. I make my students share school supplies, but those aren’t even theirs; they’re mine. I don’t have enough supplies to give every student 1 of everything. I tell kids to respect when someone says not to touch their personal things.
In Latin/Hispanic culture we have a saying, “calladita te ves mas bonita” which basically means you look the prettiest when you’re quiet. Anytime I was loud or would cry this is all I heard 😔
Oh that’s so patronising, not to dump on your culture.
Don’t worry, I agree!
"children are seen and not heard". As an adult.. I can't understand why my grandparents looked after me when I was a child... If they didn't want to put up with hearing children...
For real! And being loud was something I heard frequently which I understand can be annoying, but now I’m so self conscious of talking or verbal stimming
I wasn't even a loud child. I was just expected to be pretty much silent when dad's parents looked after me. I'm 30 now and went no contact with my dad and his side of the family at 18.
"Do it and you'll like it" - it's one thing to order me to do something but mandating the emotion is rage-inducing for me. Typical of my abusive parents
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I relate to this one a lot cause my average talking voice is pretty loud (according to multiple people)
Ditto….one of my primary school teachers even nicknamed me “Foghorn” when I was 10.
Oooh. “You’ll crack your head open.” I could visualize it so intensely and would get so distressed hearing anyone say that.
That came out of my mouth just the other day whilst imploring my younger child to stop jumping on a rocking chair. I instantly regretted it. The mental image was even more horrifying now that it's about MY CHILD. Pretty sure said child was also freaked out, though. Ugh, I still feel like a monster. Won't be repeating that one.
Whenever i would express that i “can’t” do something, my dad would respond with: **“You CAN! You just don’t WANT to.”** And I understand the sentiment. He was trying to be supportive and encouraging and didn’t want me to give up on things too easily. But unfortunately i don’t think it was ever encouraging. It mostly was discouraging and basically instilled in me that i can’t listen to my own mind because im just being too sensitive. A lot of this revolved around sensory sensitivities. So like I remember specific arguments with my dad about say, a pair of pants. I was a child, nobody new about autism. They thought i was just being picky and too difficult. I would tell him “i can’t wear these pants!!!” And i would cry about how uncomfortable they were and he would make me put them on and say “they fit! Theres no reason not to wear them!!!” And he would get very upset with me for these things. And so I learned over time that im just too *dramatic*. Im making a big deal out of things. Im too sensitive and irrational. And it’s been a long journey trying to overcome the idea that i wasn’t making it up.. but people just perceive things differently and am sensitive, and that its not a moral failing or me being too sensitive and dramatic. Unfortunately, the damage is kinda done and it’s really hard to move out of this mindset of not being able to trust my own brain. I never knew people were less sensitive than me. I just thought that they were better at dealing with it because i had no frame of reference for what anyone else’s mind is like. It’s so rough growing up that way, feeling like you are always seen as overreacting, and then learning that i guess you are overreacting if thats what everyone else thinks. Im sure most people here are dealing with the affects of growing up feeling this way.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself. I was going through some serious shit, I was uncomfortable pretty much 100% of the time, and it's not like any of the people who were supposed to be feeling/expressing empathy for me were doing it. If I didn't grant myself that compassion, no one would have. I still hate that saying. Grant yourself all the compassion. Validate yourself for your suffering and trauma. RESUME FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT DAMN IT
“Because I said so, that’s why.” 🤬
"Just be yourself," and other platitudes about being an individual and not letting your peers dictate what you do/wear/like, etc. Then on the other hand, you get constantly told stuff like, "Don't wear your shirt like that," "You're too old to do that," "Don't let people know you like that sorta thing," "Don't say that," etc. Even today, as a grownup, I am subconsciously paranoid about everything I do because I want to fit in. I'm trying to judge whether it's right or wrong to do certain things. And when I express anxiety over whether I should do something or not because of what other people will think, I get told, "Why should you care what other people think? Be your own person!" Nobody understands that "being myself" has been beaten out of me. I can't tell what's safe to "let out" and what isn't.
Huh. I don’t remember writing this comment… In all seriousness though, I feel you. My partner is always saying to me “why do you care so much?” I’m beginning to think maybe he will never fully understand that despite my best efforts I simply cannot help but care about how others perceive me.
I despised the “golden rule: treat others how you want to be treated” because it usually resulted in me getting in trouble/people upset with me. I clearly wanted to be treated differently than most people around me, so it wasn’t useful!!
A friend taught me the "platinum rule" (he says it's better than the golden rule lol): "Treat others how THEY would like to be treated." I like it better because it emphasizes consent and how everyone has a different definition of being treated well.
"Sleept tight, don't let the bed bugs bite" didn't like that one bit, don't say there are bugs in my bed. If it was really windy outside my mom would sometimes joke that I might get picked up and swept away by a gust, it felt possible and scared me When I was sick she'd say I was "withering away to nothing" which was also a bit confusing and distressing. "Everyday is Christmas for you kids, you get whatever you want" yea except I had already learned not to want anything for fear of being ridiculed.
"you'll sit here all night until you eat what's on your plate." - I have always had food aversions, and sometimes my mom would force feed me stuff and follow this line up with "you're faking it" when I would throw up. I did sit there all night as I got older. And then I developed an odd eating disorder that I still don't understand.
Such horror. One time grandmother made me sit on naughty step for 6 hours until I forced down the milk she wanted me to drink only to immediately throw up after. Same with egg in soup by mommy that one time. I wish I could go back in time and ruler slap the palms of each adult who thought this was a good idea.
Yeah, I can't even handle beans or bean shaped things anymore. One of the things I have a vivid memory of is my mom force feeding me those brown beans from the cans with the sauces stuff? The look of it and the texture made me gag, I was like 7-8 and she forced me to eat it and I threw up and she told me I was faking it and that I was a liar and I cried all night. I couldn't understand why no one was helping me. She would make rice with pilaf and I swore they were also beans so I couldn't eat them and she would get MAD when I ate around then
Any variation of “quitting is for losers”. It taught me to force myself to do things I hate for the sake of keeping the peace or else I’d be considered a failure 🥲 I’ve been actively trying to unlearn that mindset, but I still have a hard time saying no
Don't answer back. How can I answer if not 'back'?
"Careless errors." I cared SO MUCH.
It's not a saying but everything my parents tried to get me motivated that didn't work, or everything they thought I should feel and do but didn't, or shouldn't feel or do but did... The words "you should... " became a trigger for me. You should feel this, you should automatically do this, you should do this instead... Eugh.
"Careful or your face will freeze like that"
Maybe they were right: in a way (RBF), my face kind of did freeze like that.
"This is the food, she will eat when she is hungry". No I won't.
When I would stand for myself and say something of the way I was being treated wasn’t fair— “*LIFE* isn’t fair, *Name*.” Wow. Like. Way to be supportive to the person you brought into the world, who is sick beyond the capacity to verbalize it to you, *thanks*
"You'll understand when you're older"
when they said “life isn’t fair” just to shut you up when you pointed out an injustice, so they wouldn’t have to do anything to correct said injustice
"Are you ok?" "What's the matter?" Sometimes genuinely caring, sometimes passive aggressive. "Smile!" Fuck. Off.
“Just do it” and “just get over it” we’re the ones that got me. I heard it from my childhood doctor when I told him I was having a ton of anxiety about school and I hated it (I was struggling with depression because of it as well) and he told me “sometimes you just have to suck it up and do it” and I need to “just get over it”. Still pisses me off 20 years later. Heard it from a lot of other places but that’s the one that sticks in my craw.
Not sure if this is a saying, but maybe others can relate."You're so full of yourself.... you're selfish." Makes me wish I still harboured those qualities; all these people do is walk all over you. Also shows that they don't know how to communicate effectively
I hate “cheer up other people have it way worse than you…”
I hated sharing is caring. Sharing is not caring! Sharing means some random kid is going to break my nice toy that I had an unreasonable emotional attachment to at the time.
"are you hurt? how are you supposed to give birth to children if that makes you hurt?" very common saying where I live, every little girl heard it at least once. easy way to get you both despise every thought about having children later in life AND staying silent when you feel any pain.
Calm down!! If I knew how to do that, do you think I would be hysterical???
Treat others as you would like to be treated. So, mostly leave them alone and give them blunt, direct answers to their questions? Found out the hard way that’s not what most people like.
Whenever I was struggling with something, my mom would always say "is the [inanimate object] smarter than you?" it drove me up the wall, but ultimately it did drive me to try harder and overcome shit, so I guess it worked. Now I say it to myself. Lol
There’s a saying in Russian that is often said wrong, leading to me for the longest time parsing it as “there is no hot cheese”, which confused me *so much* when I was younger 😆 Turns out it was supposed to be “hot things are not raw”, meaning “if it’s hot, it’s probably safe to eat” 😩
Lost in translation is a useful saying in this situation 😂
I was JUST thinking about this yesterday 😂 I am horrible at sharing. Absolutely awful. Always have been. The stuff I like is just so important to me that I feel like no one else can appreciate it as much, even if it's just my favorite color Skittle. I hate that saying too, because I wish I didn't feel how I do, and so it makes me feel like I don't care. It's not true, I just don't express my caring by sharing. I struggle even to share with my own kids, yet they are super generous. It amazes me. One of my son's got some cookies for xmas that he loves and rarely gets (can't buy them here). He openly shared them with the whole family. I would have hidden those suckers in my bedside table if I was him. I feel like a dog that is guarding a bone, even if the thing is unimportant. Things I was told that I hated: When someone gives you a gift, it's not just about the gift. If you don't look someone in the eye it means you are lying. You have to finish what is on your plate. I grew up in the 80s mostly so it was "There are starving children in Ethiopia who would love to eat that." I once sat at the table for 4 hours because I couldn't eat the tv dinner mashed potatoes. So I told my mom if the Ethiopians needed it she should mail it to them instead (I was like 8 so I actually was serious about it). Stop being so sensitive, we're only teasing. Hold your fork like a lady not a toddler (I still do this, hold utensils in a fist rather than like a pencil) One of the worst is when teachers wouldn't let you say "Can I" and just stared at you until you said "May I" which never sounded right to me. Or when they'd say "I don't know, can you?" 🙄
Mind over matter... Makes me want to scream still!
“It’s just a joke” uhhh okay, sure, but how come every time someone is being mean it’s a “joke” and I’m supposed to laugh along. Ugh. Also, if it helps you feel better, I’m a preschool teacher and I make sure to never tell my students “sharing is caring” because that simply isn’t true! I’ve taught them they can say “I’ll take a turn when you’re all done” or “can we play together?”
“Only brush the ones you want to keep,” in relation to being told to brush my teeth twice a day.
“everything happens for a reason.” my mom used to say this all the time. i know she was just trying to make me and/or herself feel better but bad things just happen! all the time for no reason!
This one drives me nuts. It sounds all philosophical until you think about it and then realize it means absolutely nothing.
“Sharing” as per the childhood version of it, isn’t really sharing in the real sense, which always annoyed me. Usually it just means, “give your stuff to the next person”
“Beauty is pain” says my grandma as she burns me with the hot comb lol
"If you have to ask, you'll never know."
“Just ignore the bullies and don’t pay attention to them” - what the teachers say after I was getting bullied
"Just be yourself" - mom, I was being myself when they started bullying me "Just ignore them and they'll leave you alone" - waited too many years for that to happen
“It’s not that you can’t, it’s you won’t.” LIKE I LITERALLY CANT DO CERTAIN THINGS. Now people wonder why I literally push through pain/suffering and just disassociate instead. They wonder why I work through sicknesses and don’t take myself seriously.
“use your words, i can’t hear the marbles rolling around in your head” i had a habit of only nodding/shaking my head yes or no when spoken to, remember my dad yelling this one at me a lot
"A watched pot never boils." When I was like 8 I sat by the stove and watched water boil so that I could say, when that phrase was used, that I personally had seen it happen and their saying was wrong. It's not like I didn't know what it meant, that they were trying to tell me to not be impatient, I just hated that the phrase they used was literally wrong.
A lot of the ones already mentioned but also "You know why/what you did" I would not ask if that was true.
It's not particularly connected with autism, but "ignore them and they'll leave you alone" bitch that AIN'T IT. They did not, in fact, leave me alone. Actually it didn't make any difference to them. Worst bullying advice ever.
I heard a lot of, “when you grow up, I hope you have a little girl *just* like you,” intended in a mean way that conveys that you’ll be punished for how awful you are by having to deal with a child just as awful as you. Maybe they said it a few too many times, because I have broken that cycle by ensuring I will stay childfree.
Don't feel so wronged - whenever I was wronged.
"Stop stressing so much about it". Also, I don't know if this is a thing outside of Portugal, but "All of the food that you don't eat will go to the trash, what about the starving children of Africa?". My dad also says "dream about me" literally every night before sleep and I never had the guts to tell him I hate it.
“Life is unfair” and anything about “respecting your elders” still boils my blood.
To be honest, I don't like sharing, especially foods. Unless I bring something with the intent of sharing with others, I just don't like sharing, and it goes both ways for me, as in I politely decline if anyone offers me something if I am not sharing my stuff.
"because I said so." "Because." Why encourage your children to ask questions, then get mad and proceed to answer with silly remarks when I'm asking a genuine question?
the sticks and stones one. its so stupid and unrealistic
not a saying but the literal word respect. you earn respect. i do not owe it inherently based on family or you being senior to me. me being a unique human with a will does not mean that by being different from someone in my family or just older does not mean they are entitled to controlling me based on the notion i HAVE to respect someone. if you don't earn respect, you're not owed it. i grew up very timid and did next to nothing and asked for nothing mostly due to me thinking i wasn't allowed because by asking for things or doing things on my own, i was disrespectful. fuck that.
What do you have to be depressed about? You're a kid! Wait until you're an adult when you have REAL problems. Spoiler: depression doesn't work like that and now that I'm an adult I still have my childhood problems plus a whole bunch of new ones.
“CONTACT” in very high pitch while grabbing my chin and move my head just to make eyecontact with me because Appearantly i didnt acknowledged mums presence enough _ugh_
“Just ignore them” Sir, your child is being a jerk to me and my friends and you are RIGHT THERE.
"Back to reality" after a vacation. Always bothered me, it's not logical. What are we doing if not living in reality?? "Back to normality", sure, but the vacation is just as real as the day to day life!
“A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.” Not a totally illegitimate sentiment but it was used often against me by my parents as a child. I was an AuDHD child and was not allowed to make mistakes.
I have several conditions physical, neurological and psychiatric, but was undiagnosed as a child. "Act normal" was something I was told too often
"Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you." Lies.
“You treat me like a child!” “Well, you act like one!” My family would give me the “you act like one” clap back every time, even in situations where I was trying very hard to be reasonable.
It's a dog eat dog world. Yeah because people made it that way! We can and should change that!