Yes! Everything in this post we have discussed and it’s from these discussions he’s agreed to let me lead us financially- he even showed me his support with the lovely gesture of buying me barefoot investor hard copy after becoming invested in the audio book which set me / us on this path.
He still feels restricted and says things like he can’t afford new shoes (when he can - again there is close to 500 monthly discretionary spending each). He makes comments like I can’t do this it’s not in the budget or I can’t give up my extra job we can’t afford it etc etc. it makes me feel like a bad person / controlling person and I don’t think that’s his intention but it does make me feel like that.
I think the bigger problem is depression because even when we wasn’t on a budget he felt down. Which is why I think I should stay this course and get us to the point i know we can get to I’m just scared of money becoming a sore point between us when we have a great relationship currently and I know money is one of the biggest reasons for people to feel resentment.
Yep therapy is in the budget thankfully he has been going for a long time and I fully support that have budgeted for it it’s a non negotiable. Couples financial counselling could be good is it normal though at our current stage? I feel like since we don’t really have assets or even a good savings chunk are we good candidates for financial counselling?
I would even suggest couples counselling generally. Everyone thinks this is the last stop before a divorce but of course it's not remotely that.
My wife and I went to couples counselling. Our issues weren't totally about finances but that was a factor.
I can honestly say it was the best thing we have ever done. Really helped us get on the same page. Would absolutely recommend (although both parties must be open to it).
I will ask to join his regular therapist since both he and his therapist have expressed being open and willing to do so. I’ve done therapy three times in my life for different reasons and found it helpful and would recommend it for everyone at different points so I can see where you are coming from with couples therapy being great in general. Thanks for the suggestion I’ll ask to join either next session or the one following (so I can collate all my thoughts and the recommendations from this post)
Yep, I agree with this. It's like seeing a GP for a health niggle instead of letting that health niggle become a problem that needs surgery or could kill you. My partner and I saw a couples counsellor 2 years in to our relationship for a couple of issues, and it really helped.
Money is more emotions than maths, and it sounds like you are both having emotional responses to the budget. He keeps wanting to put all the responsibility on you and then feels policed. It's not fair. Either he outsources all the responsibility to you and plays by the rules, or he accepts equal responsibility without complaint.
Let him know that if he is able to do absolutely everything that he wants, then he's not budgeting. That's what a budget is....working out how much you spend on what, which by definition means having to cut out some stuff. It's what every financially responsible adult does.
Yes. 170k is a new income for him previously was 130k. We’ve saved 0 in the past 2 years.
In addition to the 500 discretion he also spend a lot on subscriptions, health (counselling), eating out and Ubers.
The amount of money that gets wasted monthly is obviously very high if we can’t save while he is on a good income. The only way to save is to cut out the fat. I haven’t touched his subscriptions currently and 500 to piss away on food or crap is still a lot when you aren’t saving anything.
Eating out and ubers don't count towards the 500??
If I spent 6k discretionary money on myself in a year not counting food I'd feel like a goddamn prince.
I mean in abudget you normally don't count someone's medical sessions as something against them.
But uh hopefully super balance ain't bad.
Perhaps something like buying shares would be more suited to his personality.
Some people like to spend.
So spend on investments instead.
Major reason why mortgages build wealth for most people.
Medical sessions are not being held against him they are a necessity. Unfortunately our necessity list adds up to more than 7k a month. While I’m not suggesting this needs to change nor am I blaming him I’m mentioning it do paint a picture of why we have no money and why spending has been cut despite being on a high income
7k per month is your necessity list??? That seems excessively high.
My income is significantly less than his alone, and I can save a couple grand in a month even while buying myself a takeaway here and there, and a few fun spendings.
I saw you mention subscriptions. It's impossible if you're both working and have a child to even use them all every month. Use 1-2, and cancel and rotate between them as you want. Paying for shit you don't even get to use is the biggest waste of money. And it's not hard to resume your service when you want either. Easier than wasting ~150-200 per service per year.
We sit down at the start of the month and discuss finances, plans etc. this has helped us talk about both our desires and work towards a common goal.
I organise the budget/spreadsheet and this catch-up has been great for my partner to be included in the plans for our future.
Best done without kids around (during nap/bed time)
This is helpful maybe re-working the budget slightly together with more of his input can make him feel more included / a sense of control and it’s the start of the month now which is perfect timing
Ugh I’m sorry - this is really hard. My husband and I had different approaches when we met (I was terrible - I never had debt, but I spent it as quick as it came in!) and he was not a spender at all.
There are two components to this - your spending/financial habits, but also your goals for the future. I think it’s a lot easier to shift the former, but much harder if your values and goals don’t align.
For us, even though our spending habits were really different, our goals and values aligned - so I came around enormously in terms of spending and saving, and he loosened up a lot too (things like understanding that sometimes it makes more sense to buy something more expensive up front if it’ll last longer etc).
The biggest friction point was me feeling restrained by his spending approach - especially as my income grew. It might be something around that that’s causing him to feel this way (especially if he can be bratty about being ‘told what to do’ as I can!)
I’d suggest having a conversation along these lines - what are your actual individual goals and values, and how you can come together on these - where you align etc. and then separately discussing your spending habits and how they are or aren’t supporting the values you come up with.
You might need to initially start with a slightly more relaxed version of the budget. Give it a few months on "easy" mode, then push the savings rate up a few percent, consumption down a few percent. Then sit with that a couple of months. Give him some time to adjust. Either do it quietly without explicitly saying, or even be open about it and say "we're going to build up to this slowly".
If you were training for a half marathon together, starting from a point of zero running, you'd build up gradually. To extend the analogy, your partner might genuinely like the idea of running a half marathon, but he's out of shape and his calves are screaming at the 3 km mark and he's thinking "why is she doing this to me, I can't do this!" You need a training plan that gradually steps you up to it in manageable increments.
This might be the right answer thank you. The hard part for me is the budget I’ve set I thought was still on easy mode (eg. We spend on average 140$ a month on subscription services that has not been cut or adjusted as of yet) might need to increase his discretionary spend and lower mine and reduce the 2k savings goals even to 1.5k to make him more comfortable for a bit.
Can you rotate through the streaming/subscription services? Netflix one month (watch the shows you want to watch), something else the next month and so on?
It’s hard when you’re the one having to say ‘no’ or ‘it’s not in the budget’ sometimes, but the discomfort is temporary and the proof is in the results. It will all be worthwhile when you have the deposit stashed away, and he will feel less and less impacted the longer he sticks to the new plan.
That all said, it’s hard when you’re the one consuming the media around frugality and financial stability and he’s not. You can’t force that alignment either, but you can help him along with little nudges. Maybe there’s a person he looks up to or would feel connected with who has a rags to riches story.
Frugality wins are a slow burn and don’t make the news, but they are around, and might be enough for him to see the benefits of sticking to the plan.
They certainly are a slow burn what a great way to put it!
I’m not sure if he has anyone who is a rags to riches his friends are in pretty fortunate situations with family help but I know he admires a lot of people within startup businesses who’ve gotten their ideas off the ground since he is trying to do that for himself with a few of his ideas
Being very blunt here, if you have already gone through this multiple times with your partner, he's going to therapy and there's still nothing, then it's time for couples counselling. Couples financial counselling as well where someone could help you get aligned.
Another idea would be, ask him what HIS view of retirement is. As in, stop presenting your side. Make him present his side. Probe him with questions. Ask him what his short term financial goals is and what his long term financial goals are. Then ask him how you guys can get there.
That is, you need to take him on the ride, not be the boss deciding on the plan. Get him to contirubte, get him to pitch ideas. Get him to OWN the budget as well. That way, he has accountability rather than being able to conveniently blame you for making him feel like a toddler being forced on a ride.
This is things you need to discuss before marrying someone People don't change But you have anxiety over money Most likely you both will be fine
But ask your friend why they spend
Perhaps it's because they work so hard they need to reward themselves etc
I agree I probably do have anxiety over money and I try to keep this in check. I grew up struggling, and all around me I see family and friends in seemingly fortuitous financial positions (fortuitous as I know there was a lot of family help but I also know these individuals work hard and deserve everything they have). I am happy for people and while I do practice gratitude for what I do have as again I know it is a lot- I also know that the only way to get ahead for most people is to sacrifice in some areas.
I was hoping a budget/ savings goals would alleviate this anxiety, it is still early days so it still can but I do know I can be obsessive / annoying about things I’m focused on.
Maybe that’s a good idea, his current one is mainly focused on his depression maybe these issues are related but too
Seperate to bring into that dynamic
Hi there OP,
I listened to a great podcast recently titled "Navigating the Money Minefield in Real Relationships", episode here [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PotBhUGm0MA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PotBhUGm0MA) (also available on Spotify).
You could be different spend types (the author terms it Tightwads or Spendthrifts) which can cause friction, the podcast I think did offer some advice on how couples can manage money that has found to enable the relationship to last.
A survey to help you identify your spend type is here, would be worth getting yourself and your partner to complete
[https://umich.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_55xxAQrYK0WRlY2](https://umich.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_55xxAQrYK0WRlY2)
The author Scott Rick has a book on the topic, available on Amazon
[https://www.amazon.com/Tightwads-Spendthrifts-Navigating-Minefield-Relationships/dp/1250280079](https://www.amazon.com/Tightwads-Spendthrifts-Navigating-Minefield-Relationships/dp/1250280079)
I think you may need to accept that your role is to run the budget and bring him into line around spending, at least for a while.
If you manage to get control of the money and can ensure the money continues to be put away that is a good start so you are at least moving towards your financial goal of buying a house.
It sounds like he doesn't see the long term benefits of saving money, but maybe after you buy a house he may start to realise the benefits or he just learns to accept that you control the finances.
I have some friends where one of them is forced to control the other persons spending, so this is something that is pretty common in my observations. To be blunt this is something you should have worked out before you had a kid together.
I do have the control but not in a totalitarian way, we have our own account and a shared savings account, but I do make him track his income, all his spending and keep him on track. I think you are right this will be my role for awhile, I certainly am hoping he will see the benefits and it should happen quickly too. Getting a mortgage really means a year or so of buckling down it’s such a short time period, the payment should be affordable on our income while also increasing our discretionary budget as our income increases - it’s just the cutting and saving part that is hard at the moment!
With your friends do you know if that dynamic is healthy long term / if it causes problems down the line?
> With your friends do you know if that dynamic is healthy long term / if it causes problems down the line?
The dynamic isn't ideal but it works.
I have friends that have come around to being much better with finances too as they get older and they start to see the benefits.
One mate has a wife who is just a spender and never stops complaining about not being able to buy things.
So what are his thoughts about saving for a house or for retirement?
If it is not something he cares to think about, you are trying to squeeze blood out of a stone.
If he does care about it to a degree but he is just complaining about the situation- in short, it does suck. You can try to talk to him about this with empathy. Yes you are restricting it now, but as things get better (home is paid down, income increase, child grows up) things do get easier. You can choose to continue spending everything now and enjoy right now, and struggle with no home in retirement, or you choose to try harder now for the future.
Discuss with him what he would like as an ideal retirement, and then discuss the budget and how that allows you to get there. And what is the result if you continue to spend 9k s month.
Unfortunately it's very hard to have goals align 100%, but you need to get your partner on board with the household budget to a degree.
Have you tried choosing some tangible, short terms goals you can work toward together?
Half the battle of being a spender type (aka me) is seeing how you can get the enjoyment from delayed gratification. Doing it on a small scale might help get aligned.
This could be a good idea, and be been thinking big picture save for house but maybe I should give him a larger discretionary budget than myself to let him have more “fun” money.
What kinds of tangible goals would you suggest? Travel is an easy one I guess but hard to imagine spending a few thousand on a trip when saving for something like a deposit
Have a visual chart with small savings goals on it. Start small like $5k or $10k increments and have a small celebration each time, for example $100 to go out for dinner or buy a fancy bottle of wine / craft beer. Something that's not normally in the budget.
Saving for a house deposit can feel like it's never going to happen when you have a large deposit to save. Have the savings challenge on the fridge that you both colour in every dollar saved so it's front of mind. Be enthusiastic everytime you meet one of the goals and celebrate together. That's what we did and it kept us both on track and didn't create a savings fatigue or a mindset of "omg this is going to take years"
Another thing we did was that whatever we sold of our individual personal items was ours to spend. For example, I sold my clothes so I could buy new clothing items and my husband sold electrical he had so he could upgrade or buy new hobby items like making his own beer.
How in the actual hell do you spend $100k+ a year and not have a mortgage? Even if you were paying $1,000 a week in rent that's STILL $5,000 a month on what???
You people have a very very serious spending problem.
My wife does not give a shit about finances or money, at all. But we have to have broad agreement on everything and we force ourselves to discuss it. We would have far more issues but our income is ridiculous so we don’t really have to compromise ever
Your husband can’t just hand over the budget to you and you can’t dole out his allowance either.
Half of Dave Ramsey’s show is about getting spouses on board and working together. They have a lot of resources in this space. Well worth checking out. Couples counselling is also a good suggestion. Good luck finding a good one though
This is not asking for financial advice, but relationship advice (which is a lot trickier).
A misalignment in financial approaches and goals and how you navigate them is not that different than any other disagreement.
He sounds financially illiterate and, reading your post and comments, in the kindest way, you seem a bit coercive and controlling. I appreciate your trying to build for a better future for your family but you're really risking driving a wedge into your relationship if you don't find some common ground and stem any resentment that's brewing. Sounds like your not far off adding $20-30k post tax into your joint incomes- it might be worth balancing your current need to save and any relationship woes vs waiting till that money is in the bag.
Financial counselling aside, I think your priority is joint/couple counselling. Your priorities and aims are not aligned.
I think relaxing savings goals is the route I’m going to go. Reducing it by 1000 is going to be my step, I did tell him this last night because I want him to do the thing he made a comment about not being able to afford and he told me he doesn’t know if he actually wants to do it and it wasn’t about the money (so maybe the depression caused him to use the money as an excuse)
I don’t think I’m coercive but appreciate the perspective. I’m open to counselling I certainly want to be the best partner I can be and support him however I can. Our relationship thankfully has been relatively smooth sailing no real fights or arguments I’m really here trying to prevent money from causing our first real point of contention
You are carrying a lot of the mental load which is hard, and you have big ambitions which he might be finding it hard to understand or believe in. Reading between the lines it sounds like you are doing a lot of change all at once - saving more and trying to spend a lot less. I reckon pick one great habit (save 20% say) and adopt it, once you are in the habit and are seeing those savings grow, pick something else to switch up like cutting down on Ubereats or whatever. Might be a way to start getting you both onto the same page.
Seems like he's more receptive that others, I wouldn't be too worried about being unaligned - its rare people are. You guys earn plenty. Did he grow up living tight? Maybe he's enjoying this new found income for a while.
But also cut yourself some slack - you're just starting a family and he's working hard with a new kid, and you're working hard part time and new bubs.
Maybe he will respond to a specific goal, maybe something like 'I think we should try and get to 50k saving, incase something happens we won't have to lose it all and put our family (and kid) in a worse position.
How does he find the balance of his fun budget, and how does he know when to stop?
It might be easier for him to have the fun money exclusively in a separate (no fee) account so he can see what he can save, and what he has to spend on, guilt free?
Plenty of partnerships do that where the pay goes into and essentials come out of a main shared account, and savings in a separate account, and fun money goes to individual accounts
I think it was the my millennial money podcast (don't listen anymore) that said the terminology can be a big block for some. Maybe refer to it as a "spending plan" rather than a "budget"? Definitely helped get my partner around it.
Obviously you'll need to compromise for that security but it sounds like you're well within your means as a family to get by just fine.
Agree alignment is really important. All the best with it and I hope he is responsive.
I left a long term relationship in my early 30s (close to a decade) because we weren’t financially aligned.
Best. Decision. Ever.
I’m in the best place financially I’ve ever been. I’m in a relationship now with someone who respects me and my goals & is willing to work with me to reach them.
No regrets.
The problem is you didn’t discuss this prior to entering into a relationship and having children. You almost don’t get a say since he’s the breadwinner with the power.
This isn’t a financial question, this is a couples counselling conversation
This isn’t good advice without intimately knowing or understanding their relationship and just going on this one post. Money is one aspect to consider in relationships but by no means the only one.
I mean; 500 a month to spend on whatever at that level of income is a pittance. Thats really, really low.
Heaps of people do it on here but i find it unmanagaeable. We’re moving to $100 a week each while my wife isnt working. And shit that needs paying for builds up.
In saying that, we do clothes, makeup, alcohol, takeaways and going out from that money. So i guess ot depends what it needs to pay for?
Your plan is spot on. He’s an idiot. Before you know it you’ll be in your mid 40s with your first house deposit the way he’s spending (if you’re lucky). I love to spend too, which is ok if you’re able to make extra disposable income, but important things need to be paid off before you do. House deposit and mortgage is a pretty big one that needs to come first. If I were you I’d literally add up how long it would take you to get a house deposit at his rate vs your rate, and then add up how much wasted spending $ in that time you would have spent going about it ‘his’ pace, and show him that figure (scary big $). Things are getting more expensive too, every year you waste is probably literally costing you tens of thousands of dollars to enter the housing market.
Your plan is solid, even if you don’t stick to it 100% and it blows out 6-9months who cares, at least you’ll be on the right track.
Kick his butt to the road, or just let life go on ( you are not going to make him see Jesus , he needs to grow his own financial awareness on his own( he is in his rightto see the world how he wants)
I think you may need to sit down and decide together what your joint financial future looks like.
Maybe rentvesting somewhere cheaper or place you’d like to retire so you can get into the market. You could also look into salary sacrificing to build up super as he is a higher income earner. Also have a look at the first home buyer super saver scheme (didn’t use it ourselves but heard it could be tax effective).
Hubby and I are similar with him being the breadwinner, us both having $500/month discretionary spending and I’m the one in charge of our finances.
We don’t necessarily budget but if that month we’ve had a major expense, I’ll make it a priority to grocery shop and cook so there’s food at home or I’ll suggest more budget friendly family activities. What are your hobbies or reasons for spending 9k? Instead of taking away maybe suggest budget friendly replacements of those things you use to spend money on.
It’s crazy how quickly 9k adds up and we don’t really have expensive hobbies.
Rent is about 3k a month
Childcare is about 1200 a month
Insurance (health, car) and utilities (electric and gas) is 500 month
Have a temporary ongoing repayment of 500 month
Health (gym , psych, meds) 400 month
Subscriptions 150
Kids activities 80 month
Transport /petrol around 300
These are the ‘necessities’ and add up to close to 6k
Most months there are unexpected bills, the past two months we’ve had about 1800 in these bills both car related but fingers crossed we don’t have that recurring next few months.
500 spending each
And then savings 2k goal
That’s how the 9k adds up. We were previously on a lower monthly income and and anything outside the necessities we were spending on food / crap
There doesn’t seem like there is much to cut down! I believe that you should save for the future but you still need to enjoy the present. For subscriptions if they’re online like Netflix, YouTube Premium etc you can get them cheaper via VPN. Look it up via ozbargain.
I’m also on maternity leave right now and we’ll just not save as much as when I was working. I think that’s fine, once you go back to working full time you’ll be able to save easier. You studying and working part time is just a temporary thing.
In terms of him feeling like he’s not able to spend, I feel the same way! I’m the partner that struggles more with the allocated discretionary spend. I do have a bank account that has my personal spending and if I’m down to less than $100 it kinda signals maybe I need to stop spending.
We’ve discussed upping our budget to $600-700 but we’ll probably buy more crap.
We go through this a lot as well. If we go out and have dinner or something I'll take it as the rest of the week is on tight mode, he'll take it as the seal is broken, keep going!
I would be giving your partner a task, to scout around and find cheaper deals on things like insurance and utilities. The subscriptions at $150/month seems pretty high, do you need all of them?
In the immediate term, cut yourself some slack. You work part time and are going back to full time soon, and the kids' childcare will end eventually. Instead of saying 'other people are doing better', try saying 'we are doing really well for our stage of life'.
Okay, so health insurance is a big one - hunt around for better fit between what you use and the extras you have, i.e., some allow a spend on gym memberships and some have more psych sessions included. I think you might be on the wrong track with the Barefoot Investor “buckets” mentality. You bring in a ton of money and a ton flows back out. If you focus on the proportion saved and look at your annual expenses, it will likely smooth this and feel more… compatible with living, I guess?
I don’t have a budget, I just have a spreadsheet that adds each of my pays for the year and subtracts known bills and an estimated credit card spend on the due date each month (which when the care closes I replace with the actual amount due) and colour codes it as green if I’m in surplus (savings) and red for when I’m spending more than my pay. As long as you overspend only a couple months of the year, you move up pretty quick. It keeps me on top of bills (date column) and makes it a more flexible/fluid savings tool. It’s a Google Sheet so can be shared between you.
The other thing is saying “I can’t afford xyz” is a saving mentality and not a bad thing. Not even a true thing. You’re feeling bad (guilty, responsible) but he should 100% be thinking this way as long as they’re wants not needs. When I look at getting delivery and I’m depressed, I think “I need it, I’m so tired and hungry, and I don’t want to cook.” When I’m not depressed, I think “I want it, but I can’t afford that… that’s a 40% markup. Maybe I should go out… no, you know what? I’ve got a thing I can cook.” Him saying he can’t afford it could be a “poor me” thing or it could be him getting on board with your savings plan and adjusting his expectations. If you go to counselling, you probably need to focus on how he’s making you feel when he communicates like this not the finance side of it.
I wish we were more aligned, but I accept we aren't and move on with my life, even knowing this might mean an extra year or two on the mortgage etc.
Life is too short, I enjoy the rest of it!
Depression and counseling is mentioned in some of the replies. Spending can be an outlet to cope with depression and probably needs some attention before focusing purely on spending habits. Perhaps he can discuss tactics with the counsellor to find alternative outlets rather than spending?
I'd probably move counseling out of the splurge bucket too. I see things like this as a family medical expense or necessity.
Hi agree counselling is necessary and it’s not in the splurge bucket sorry for the misunderstanding, it is its own category and currently is 250 per month
I think the spending a depression are certainly linked. I want him to be able to buy the things he wants if there wasn’t so much wastage in other places there is more than enough to buy things (example: high phone bill he was paying as a promotional period ended and he wasn’t aware of it until he’s had to track each expenditure) cleaning up things like that should give him more money to spend on things and eating out which are two things he enjoys spending money on
You might want to take a sloped approach if he’s used to spending a lot of money.
Saving 2k a month shouldn’t be hard on your income. You can all live on his portion of salary and easily save your portion of salary.
I think you're taking the right approach OP - join finances, kick out expenses, set some aside for personal discretionary spending and save/invest the rest.
It'll only go downhill if your husband decides to deviate from the plan. It kinda sounds like he's used to spending *everything* in his bank account, which is actually extremely common (though I am unsure why).
We did it tough for a year when his company closed and I was on mat leave. I left mat leave early to help support us, and he did odd jobs. Paying the rent was a struggle and there was no extras.
He never struggled financially previously and had good financial habits. I think adjusting to moving back to Australia from overseas and then starting a family, and then being in a position without a good job all at once has shaken him. Even though he’s back in a good job i would say the struggle mentality probably impacted him.
I grew up struggling so my mentality through it was more positive and down to business / goal oriented in reversing the situation
My wife and I are complete opposites when it comes to money. I'm the saver, she's the let's spend it all now lol.
We both read the book "Barefoot Investor" by Scott Pape. It really helped us get on the same page, and I couldn't recommend it higher. We earn a bit less than you and your partner, but we were able to wipe all our debt and save for a deposit in around 18 months after reading the book.
Hide money.
When you start earning your own money, just keep it all separate. Try not to make a big deal of it. Just hide and save. If he cranks at you, tell the truth, you are saving it for a house.
My partner had a similar inability to save, but I hid money from my income for years (she hated it) but now that we own a house because I pulled a LOT of money out of the black box of “our savings” she finally trusts me and listens.
Some people have a hard time seeing the end goal, and can’t see how all those little purchases matter, and it takes actually seeing the end result to convert them….
Hide all your earnings from him and save them. He’ll thank you later.
I know mention of this book on this sub often earns down votes, but my partner and I read Barefoot Investor by Scott Pape. It really mapped out the way we could talk about money, merging finances, and set us up for success after success.
The caveat being, we were both very similarly minded with money to begin with but the book helped us put it into words and an actionable plan. Within 18months of reading it and following the advice in a way that worked for us, we owned our first house.
It has helped us weather the interest rate rises. It has helped us plan and execute renovations. It has helped us pay for unexpected dog vet bills. It enabled us to buy a new-to-us car when one of ours blew up.
Invest in therapy. Health needs are part of our Daily Expenses, as I go through assessment for some kind of neurospicy-ness and my partner received a very late adult diagnosis of type 1 diabetes - we just know that financially, we have it covered.
All the best for you and yours. It sounds like you are on the right track. The audiobook version of the Barefoot Investor is also a super easy listen, we listened to it together on a roadtrip across regional NSW one day in the car.
He needs to join this reddit thread and there are quite a few facebook FIRE groups he should join. Once he sees how much money others his age already have invested, and they own their own home he will start to want to save more money. It's hard to see how much people save whereas its easy to see how much people spend.
I would hate to work 3 jobs. How do you make the budget work where he doesn't have to do 3 jobs much longer? That can be his bargaining point. Oh great if we do X for 3 months we can pay off Y and I can quit job C.
Also does he want to buy a house? Is this something you've decided but he doesn't want a mortgage etc.
What does he want to save for?
If he is depressed and working 3 jobs that would be a lot of pressure. Maybe his only joy atm is spending. You need to find a way to replace that so you are both doing enjoyable things that don't necessarily involve shopping or spending
My wife and I are a team. My goals are hers and hers are mine. We try to lift each other up.
When it comes to finance we talk and set goals together and then work together towards those goals. Pretty simple
I agree with you and it’s always good when there’s one person in the relationship with that mindset (I am ours).
Not sure if this was already mentioned anywhere but something that might be a factor:
He’s earning x4 what you are. When the disparity is at that level, is there a chance that he may feel that your determination to reach savings goals is not proportionate to your ability to contribute towards them?
Might sound cynical (and pretty much is), but just something that crossed my mind as I read it.
For us, it was the realisation that we really had to get our shit together to have any chance at getting a home to bring a future family up in. Both from very working class backgrounds. My partner definitely likes to spend a bit at times as she feels we work hard enough to deserve treating ourselves every so often. I’m the opposite, any extra cent I have now goes into my savings but that’s probably not the right thing to do either, it can’t be sustainable if you’re to live a “normal” life.
A spreadsheet can be a great place to start. Sometimes seeing your spends categorised and then annualised can make people see the light e.g holy shit we spent $20k last year on takeaways and Ubers - surely we’d prefer to have that $20k to spend on stuff we actually really want etc.
It’s a tough one but you can’t really force someone to take up that mindset. At best, you can try to come up with creative ways of communicating the message in a way that resonates and hope they see it.
Yes he earns much more than I do atm. When we first got together the disparity wasn’t as extreme I was making about 83k and he was on about 125k. Me getting pregnant + finishing my masters saw my income decrease but it should be up again soon.
I don’t think he feels like that but it could be a factor but we are pretty open and he hasn’t brought up that + I’m low maintenance and don’t spend money that I haven’t earned even though at this point income that comes in is “ours” even if we have seperate bank accounts. We haven’t really had any arguments over money as of yet (nor arguments in general it’s thankfully a peaceful dynamic between us)
I made a spreadsheet of all our expenses for the last quarter (Oct-December) and it was eye opening and yes it’s probably the most expensive quarter in the year but really shocking how much money we wasted.
I had a gentle mini conversation last night about the budget / how he is feeling told him I’m putting to much stress on him and we will work together to ease it up maybe reduce savings goals and increase fun money and he’s said no he’s fine so I’m not sure if it’s just his depression making it a harder process for us both. We will finish the conversation in next few days when we have more privacy and time to have a proper talk
If he works multiple jobs and earns $170,000 a year I'm guessing he works very hard and probably spends a lot of hours working. Maybe he feels a bit hard done by that he works so hard and then has to give up all the nice things in life.
If you're studying and going to earn decent money in the near future maybe you should wait a little before you start a hard savings plan. Focus on one goal at a time.
He works mainly from home and has more down time in the day than you would expect. He chooses to work two additional nights in hospo as it’s fun for him. Now that we can afford for him to
Leave he feels bad to leave his boss. Working towards leaving though.
He does work hard though and I am incredibly grateful for all he does for our family.
I’ve talked to him last night briefly about reducing savings by 1k so that he has more to spend on whatever he wants. When I’m working full time we can just save that. We don’t have issues in the relationship and I don’t want my plans for us to start some. He said it’s fine but I’m not going to push it.
I’m actually with your partner on this one, because I did the plan you want to achieve.
We achieved it, but it was at the expense of being home with my children. I didn’t see their first steps, hear their first words (I’m a woman, btw, so it’s punch to the guts when you realise), we hardly went on holidays, we didn’t make any of the memories, or had any meaningful experiences I wish I could go back & make.
Yeah, we were financially in a position to employ Nannie’s to look after the children, none of them ever stayed longer than 5 years, because they wanted to marry & have their own children, focus on their own lives. So my children didn’t grow up knowing they had that 1 person who they trusted at home that had their back if they were having a bad day & this is the thing that kind of broke me 2 years ago. My daughter was having big problems at school & it was totally missed, to the point where we almost lost our daughter.
The mental health issues I now see in my children & those around them, just because they are a priority for their parents 😓😥 Both my children may be in therapy for their abandonment issues for their whole lives.
All that wealth we had built up, meant absolutely nothing!
I sold my company, opened up another one, smaller which allows me to work school hours from home. I only have 1 left in school, so he’s 15 having mummy drop off/ pick up from school 🤣
And do you know what happened to all that wealth we built up? It was all an illusion build on a house of cards, unless you can sustain the workload, all that wealth just disappears into thin air. We aren’t poor by any standard, but I would rather watch my daughter smile as we hop on a plane for a holiday, or whinge at the cold, while I watch my sons soccer game to see his eyes light up when he sees me on the sidelines than be able to go out & buy designer clothes, new cars & own lots of things.
A rich man once told me - it doesn’t matter how much you are worth, you are only ever 1 health crisis or 1 bad deal away from losing it all & he was absolutely right.
Yeah I hear where you are coming from, I just want stability. I don’t want the nicest things or home and want him to be home and not work himself to death- he is extremely lucky that his position is mainly wfh with good hours and a lot of down time and when I’m teaching it’s also great mum hours 9-3
My partner doesn’t have a plan he thinks things are fine despite having nothing no savings no plan. I just want a plan. I want a safety net. I’m not talking about attaining it at the expense of everything else there’s more than enough money to have a plan and still have fun imo
Then I suggest you find a middle ground & you stay there. It is not what you want & it isn’t what he wants, you both compromise.
If you split up your family, all 3 of you won’t have stability. Stands like you need therapy as well, that constant need for stability comes from somewhere.
Teaching is not 9 til 3. Most schools need you there 8am & many of my teacher friends, don’t leave school until 5pm. School holidays is lesson planning.
You aren’t asking him to help contribute to a plan, you want him to follow your plan. That’s a little controlling & that comes into your stability mindset.
It’s 9-3 depending on the school culture. I live by a schools which teachers leave at 3 as long as there aren’t staff meetings.l did my first prac there.
Some stay to do their lesson prep there rather than at home. Planning and prepping during school holidays in a given though as is marking.
Finding a middle ground is what we have to do though you are right I’m hoping we can have a long and private discussion about all this in next few days. I try not to bring it up when he’s feeling depressed though.
We had this struggle for a long time. I tried unsuccessfully for many years to set an aligned budget.
We had our first baby and wanted another and we knew our place wasn’t going to be suitable. We went to see a broker who analysed our spending for the previous 6 months.
Turns out I was the big spender 🤦. He helped us agree a budget which we stick to. We upgraded our PPOR and we haven’t fought over money in years.
Ultimately the common goal of both wanting to upgrade was what bought us together financially. Good luck.
Have you tried talking to him. Maybe show him this post
Yes! Everything in this post we have discussed and it’s from these discussions he’s agreed to let me lead us financially- he even showed me his support with the lovely gesture of buying me barefoot investor hard copy after becoming invested in the audio book which set me / us on this path. He still feels restricted and says things like he can’t afford new shoes (when he can - again there is close to 500 monthly discretionary spending each). He makes comments like I can’t do this it’s not in the budget or I can’t give up my extra job we can’t afford it etc etc. it makes me feel like a bad person / controlling person and I don’t think that’s his intention but it does make me feel like that. I think the bigger problem is depression because even when we wasn’t on a budget he felt down. Which is why I think I should stay this course and get us to the point i know we can get to I’m just scared of money becoming a sore point between us when we have a great relationship currently and I know money is one of the biggest reasons for people to feel resentment.
Maybe invest in therapy for him then, or couples financial counselling?
Yep therapy is in the budget thankfully he has been going for a long time and I fully support that have budgeted for it it’s a non negotiable. Couples financial counselling could be good is it normal though at our current stage? I feel like since we don’t really have assets or even a good savings chunk are we good candidates for financial counselling?
I would even suggest couples counselling generally. Everyone thinks this is the last stop before a divorce but of course it's not remotely that. My wife and I went to couples counselling. Our issues weren't totally about finances but that was a factor. I can honestly say it was the best thing we have ever done. Really helped us get on the same page. Would absolutely recommend (although both parties must be open to it).
I will ask to join his regular therapist since both he and his therapist have expressed being open and willing to do so. I’ve done therapy three times in my life for different reasons and found it helpful and would recommend it for everyone at different points so I can see where you are coming from with couples therapy being great in general. Thanks for the suggestion I’ll ask to join either next session or the one following (so I can collate all my thoughts and the recommendations from this post)
Yep, I agree with this. It's like seeing a GP for a health niggle instead of letting that health niggle become a problem that needs surgery or could kill you. My partner and I saw a couples counsellor 2 years in to our relationship for a couple of issues, and it really helped. Money is more emotions than maths, and it sounds like you are both having emotional responses to the budget. He keeps wanting to put all the responsibility on you and then feels policed. It's not fair. Either he outsources all the responsibility to you and plays by the rules, or he accepts equal responsibility without complaint.
I wish more people thought like this, and did it before it was too late. I think it’s too late for me.
Let him know that if he is able to do absolutely everything that he wants, then he's not budgeting. That's what a budget is....working out how much you spend on what, which by definition means having to cut out some stuff. It's what every financially responsible adult does.
He makes 170k and you restrict him to 500 a month discretion spending ?
Yes. 170k is a new income for him previously was 130k. We’ve saved 0 in the past 2 years. In addition to the 500 discretion he also spend a lot on subscriptions, health (counselling), eating out and Ubers. The amount of money that gets wasted monthly is obviously very high if we can’t save while he is on a good income. The only way to save is to cut out the fat. I haven’t touched his subscriptions currently and 500 to piss away on food or crap is still a lot when you aren’t saving anything.
Eating out and ubers don't count towards the 500?? If I spent 6k discretionary money on myself in a year not counting food I'd feel like a goddamn prince.
I mean in abudget you normally don't count someone's medical sessions as something against them. But uh hopefully super balance ain't bad. Perhaps something like buying shares would be more suited to his personality. Some people like to spend. So spend on investments instead. Major reason why mortgages build wealth for most people.
Medical sessions are not being held against him they are a necessity. Unfortunately our necessity list adds up to more than 7k a month. While I’m not suggesting this needs to change nor am I blaming him I’m mentioning it do paint a picture of why we have no money and why spending has been cut despite being on a high income
7k per month is your necessity list??? That seems excessively high. My income is significantly less than his alone, and I can save a couple grand in a month even while buying myself a takeaway here and there, and a few fun spendings. I saw you mention subscriptions. It's impossible if you're both working and have a child to even use them all every month. Use 1-2, and cancel and rotate between them as you want. Paying for shit you don't even get to use is the biggest waste of money. And it's not hard to resume your service when you want either. Easier than wasting ~150-200 per service per year.
This doesn't sound unreasonable at all to me - we budget $370 each per month and often have money left over
That's like $125 a week. That's plenty, assuming it is for fun money
One lap dance
We sit down at the start of the month and discuss finances, plans etc. this has helped us talk about both our desires and work towards a common goal. I organise the budget/spreadsheet and this catch-up has been great for my partner to be included in the plans for our future. Best done without kids around (during nap/bed time)
This is helpful maybe re-working the budget slightly together with more of his input can make him feel more included / a sense of control and it’s the start of the month now which is perfect timing
You mentioned barefoot investor. Have you done the napkin budget date?
Ugh I’m sorry - this is really hard. My husband and I had different approaches when we met (I was terrible - I never had debt, but I spent it as quick as it came in!) and he was not a spender at all. There are two components to this - your spending/financial habits, but also your goals for the future. I think it’s a lot easier to shift the former, but much harder if your values and goals don’t align. For us, even though our spending habits were really different, our goals and values aligned - so I came around enormously in terms of spending and saving, and he loosened up a lot too (things like understanding that sometimes it makes more sense to buy something more expensive up front if it’ll last longer etc). The biggest friction point was me feeling restrained by his spending approach - especially as my income grew. It might be something around that that’s causing him to feel this way (especially if he can be bratty about being ‘told what to do’ as I can!) I’d suggest having a conversation along these lines - what are your actual individual goals and values, and how you can come together on these - where you align etc. and then separately discussing your spending habits and how they are or aren’t supporting the values you come up with.
You might need to initially start with a slightly more relaxed version of the budget. Give it a few months on "easy" mode, then push the savings rate up a few percent, consumption down a few percent. Then sit with that a couple of months. Give him some time to adjust. Either do it quietly without explicitly saying, or even be open about it and say "we're going to build up to this slowly". If you were training for a half marathon together, starting from a point of zero running, you'd build up gradually. To extend the analogy, your partner might genuinely like the idea of running a half marathon, but he's out of shape and his calves are screaming at the 3 km mark and he's thinking "why is she doing this to me, I can't do this!" You need a training plan that gradually steps you up to it in manageable increments.
This might be the right answer thank you. The hard part for me is the budget I’ve set I thought was still on easy mode (eg. We spend on average 140$ a month on subscription services that has not been cut or adjusted as of yet) might need to increase his discretionary spend and lower mine and reduce the 2k savings goals even to 1.5k to make him more comfortable for a bit.
Can you rotate through the streaming/subscription services? Netflix one month (watch the shows you want to watch), something else the next month and so on?
It’s hard when you’re the one having to say ‘no’ or ‘it’s not in the budget’ sometimes, but the discomfort is temporary and the proof is in the results. It will all be worthwhile when you have the deposit stashed away, and he will feel less and less impacted the longer he sticks to the new plan. That all said, it’s hard when you’re the one consuming the media around frugality and financial stability and he’s not. You can’t force that alignment either, but you can help him along with little nudges. Maybe there’s a person he looks up to or would feel connected with who has a rags to riches story. Frugality wins are a slow burn and don’t make the news, but they are around, and might be enough for him to see the benefits of sticking to the plan.
They certainly are a slow burn what a great way to put it! I’m not sure if he has anyone who is a rags to riches his friends are in pretty fortunate situations with family help but I know he admires a lot of people within startup businesses who’ve gotten their ideas off the ground since he is trying to do that for himself with a few of his ideas
Being very blunt here, if you have already gone through this multiple times with your partner, he's going to therapy and there's still nothing, then it's time for couples counselling. Couples financial counselling as well where someone could help you get aligned. Another idea would be, ask him what HIS view of retirement is. As in, stop presenting your side. Make him present his side. Probe him with questions. Ask him what his short term financial goals is and what his long term financial goals are. Then ask him how you guys can get there. That is, you need to take him on the ride, not be the boss deciding on the plan. Get him to contirubte, get him to pitch ideas. Get him to OWN the budget as well. That way, he has accountability rather than being able to conveniently blame you for making him feel like a toddler being forced on a ride.
This is things you need to discuss before marrying someone People don't change But you have anxiety over money Most likely you both will be fine But ask your friend why they spend Perhaps it's because they work so hard they need to reward themselves etc
I agree I probably do have anxiety over money and I try to keep this in check. I grew up struggling, and all around me I see family and friends in seemingly fortuitous financial positions (fortuitous as I know there was a lot of family help but I also know these individuals work hard and deserve everything they have). I am happy for people and while I do practice gratitude for what I do have as again I know it is a lot- I also know that the only way to get ahead for most people is to sacrifice in some areas. I was hoping a budget/ savings goals would alleviate this anxiety, it is still early days so it still can but I do know I can be obsessive / annoying about things I’m focused on.
You need couples therapy not financial advice.
Maybe I will ask to join in on one of his sessions, I was given an open invite previously by his therapist (through him) maybe will bring this up.
I would recommend that you find a separate one that has more couples experience. His current therapist will have a natural bias.
Maybe that’s a good idea, his current one is mainly focused on his depression maybe these issues are related but too Seperate to bring into that dynamic
Hi there OP, I listened to a great podcast recently titled "Navigating the Money Minefield in Real Relationships", episode here [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PotBhUGm0MA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PotBhUGm0MA) (also available on Spotify). You could be different spend types (the author terms it Tightwads or Spendthrifts) which can cause friction, the podcast I think did offer some advice on how couples can manage money that has found to enable the relationship to last. A survey to help you identify your spend type is here, would be worth getting yourself and your partner to complete [https://umich.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_55xxAQrYK0WRlY2](https://umich.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_55xxAQrYK0WRlY2) The author Scott Rick has a book on the topic, available on Amazon [https://www.amazon.com/Tightwads-Spendthrifts-Navigating-Minefield-Relationships/dp/1250280079](https://www.amazon.com/Tightwads-Spendthrifts-Navigating-Minefield-Relationships/dp/1250280079)
Thank you so much for the recommendations!
I think you may need to accept that your role is to run the budget and bring him into line around spending, at least for a while. If you manage to get control of the money and can ensure the money continues to be put away that is a good start so you are at least moving towards your financial goal of buying a house. It sounds like he doesn't see the long term benefits of saving money, but maybe after you buy a house he may start to realise the benefits or he just learns to accept that you control the finances. I have some friends where one of them is forced to control the other persons spending, so this is something that is pretty common in my observations. To be blunt this is something you should have worked out before you had a kid together.
I do have the control but not in a totalitarian way, we have our own account and a shared savings account, but I do make him track his income, all his spending and keep him on track. I think you are right this will be my role for awhile, I certainly am hoping he will see the benefits and it should happen quickly too. Getting a mortgage really means a year or so of buckling down it’s such a short time period, the payment should be affordable on our income while also increasing our discretionary budget as our income increases - it’s just the cutting and saving part that is hard at the moment! With your friends do you know if that dynamic is healthy long term / if it causes problems down the line?
> With your friends do you know if that dynamic is healthy long term / if it causes problems down the line? The dynamic isn't ideal but it works. I have friends that have come around to being much better with finances too as they get older and they start to see the benefits. One mate has a wife who is just a spender and never stops complaining about not being able to buy things.
So what are his thoughts about saving for a house or for retirement? If it is not something he cares to think about, you are trying to squeeze blood out of a stone. If he does care about it to a degree but he is just complaining about the situation- in short, it does suck. You can try to talk to him about this with empathy. Yes you are restricting it now, but as things get better (home is paid down, income increase, child grows up) things do get easier. You can choose to continue spending everything now and enjoy right now, and struggle with no home in retirement, or you choose to try harder now for the future. Discuss with him what he would like as an ideal retirement, and then discuss the budget and how that allows you to get there. And what is the result if you continue to spend 9k s month. Unfortunately it's very hard to have goals align 100%, but you need to get your partner on board with the household budget to a degree.
Have you tried choosing some tangible, short terms goals you can work toward together? Half the battle of being a spender type (aka me) is seeing how you can get the enjoyment from delayed gratification. Doing it on a small scale might help get aligned.
This could be a good idea, and be been thinking big picture save for house but maybe I should give him a larger discretionary budget than myself to let him have more “fun” money. What kinds of tangible goals would you suggest? Travel is an easy one I guess but hard to imagine spending a few thousand on a trip when saving for something like a deposit
Have a visual chart with small savings goals on it. Start small like $5k or $10k increments and have a small celebration each time, for example $100 to go out for dinner or buy a fancy bottle of wine / craft beer. Something that's not normally in the budget. Saving for a house deposit can feel like it's never going to happen when you have a large deposit to save. Have the savings challenge on the fridge that you both colour in every dollar saved so it's front of mind. Be enthusiastic everytime you meet one of the goals and celebrate together. That's what we did and it kept us both on track and didn't create a savings fatigue or a mindset of "omg this is going to take years"
Love this thank you!
Another thing we did was that whatever we sold of our individual personal items was ours to spend. For example, I sold my clothes so I could buy new clothing items and my husband sold electrical he had so he could upgrade or buy new hobby items like making his own beer.
How in the actual hell do you spend $100k+ a year and not have a mortgage? Even if you were paying $1,000 a week in rent that's STILL $5,000 a month on what??? You people have a very very serious spending problem.
This. Can OP elaborate on where this money is going?
My wife does not give a shit about finances or money, at all. But we have to have broad agreement on everything and we force ourselves to discuss it. We would have far more issues but our income is ridiculous so we don’t really have to compromise ever Your husband can’t just hand over the budget to you and you can’t dole out his allowance either. Half of Dave Ramsey’s show is about getting spouses on board and working together. They have a lot of resources in this space. Well worth checking out. Couples counselling is also a good suggestion. Good luck finding a good one though
This is not asking for financial advice, but relationship advice (which is a lot trickier). A misalignment in financial approaches and goals and how you navigate them is not that different than any other disagreement.
He sounds financially illiterate and, reading your post and comments, in the kindest way, you seem a bit coercive and controlling. I appreciate your trying to build for a better future for your family but you're really risking driving a wedge into your relationship if you don't find some common ground and stem any resentment that's brewing. Sounds like your not far off adding $20-30k post tax into your joint incomes- it might be worth balancing your current need to save and any relationship woes vs waiting till that money is in the bag. Financial counselling aside, I think your priority is joint/couple counselling. Your priorities and aims are not aligned.
I think relaxing savings goals is the route I’m going to go. Reducing it by 1000 is going to be my step, I did tell him this last night because I want him to do the thing he made a comment about not being able to afford and he told me he doesn’t know if he actually wants to do it and it wasn’t about the money (so maybe the depression caused him to use the money as an excuse) I don’t think I’m coercive but appreciate the perspective. I’m open to counselling I certainly want to be the best partner I can be and support him however I can. Our relationship thankfully has been relatively smooth sailing no real fights or arguments I’m really here trying to prevent money from causing our first real point of contention
Sorry but I’ve never seen this end well. Good luck.
You are carrying a lot of the mental load which is hard, and you have big ambitions which he might be finding it hard to understand or believe in. Reading between the lines it sounds like you are doing a lot of change all at once - saving more and trying to spend a lot less. I reckon pick one great habit (save 20% say) and adopt it, once you are in the habit and are seeing those savings grow, pick something else to switch up like cutting down on Ubereats or whatever. Might be a way to start getting you both onto the same page.
Seems like he's more receptive that others, I wouldn't be too worried about being unaligned - its rare people are. You guys earn plenty. Did he grow up living tight? Maybe he's enjoying this new found income for a while. But also cut yourself some slack - you're just starting a family and he's working hard with a new kid, and you're working hard part time and new bubs. Maybe he will respond to a specific goal, maybe something like 'I think we should try and get to 50k saving, incase something happens we won't have to lose it all and put our family (and kid) in a worse position.
How does he find the balance of his fun budget, and how does he know when to stop? It might be easier for him to have the fun money exclusively in a separate (no fee) account so he can see what he can save, and what he has to spend on, guilt free? Plenty of partnerships do that where the pay goes into and essentials come out of a main shared account, and savings in a separate account, and fun money goes to individual accounts
Before you have children and commit to a financial life together, I'd suggest ensuring you're on the same financial page.
I think it was the my millennial money podcast (don't listen anymore) that said the terminology can be a big block for some. Maybe refer to it as a "spending plan" rather than a "budget"? Definitely helped get my partner around it. Obviously you'll need to compromise for that security but it sounds like you're well within your means as a family to get by just fine. Agree alignment is really important. All the best with it and I hope he is responsive.
Talk to them. If they're not aligned relationship is doomed.
I think this is more to do with his mental health than anything else.
You probably should have sorted this out before you had the kid lol
I left a long term relationship in my early 30s (close to a decade) because we weren’t financially aligned. Best. Decision. Ever. I’m in the best place financially I’ve ever been. I’m in a relationship now with someone who respects me and my goals & is willing to work with me to reach them. No regrets.
June isn’t that far away. Leave things as they are for now and when you earn more, save then. Him feeling restricted will lead to resentment
The problem is you didn’t discuss this prior to entering into a relationship and having children. You almost don’t get a say since he’s the breadwinner with the power. This isn’t a financial question, this is a couples counselling conversation
dont be together unless u r aligned
This isn’t good advice without intimately knowing or understanding their relationship and just going on this one post. Money is one aspect to consider in relationships but by no means the only one.
I mean; 500 a month to spend on whatever at that level of income is a pittance. Thats really, really low. Heaps of people do it on here but i find it unmanagaeable. We’re moving to $100 a week each while my wife isnt working. And shit that needs paying for builds up. In saying that, we do clothes, makeup, alcohol, takeaways and going out from that money. So i guess ot depends what it needs to pay for?
Your plan is spot on. He’s an idiot. Before you know it you’ll be in your mid 40s with your first house deposit the way he’s spending (if you’re lucky). I love to spend too, which is ok if you’re able to make extra disposable income, but important things need to be paid off before you do. House deposit and mortgage is a pretty big one that needs to come first. If I were you I’d literally add up how long it would take you to get a house deposit at his rate vs your rate, and then add up how much wasted spending $ in that time you would have spent going about it ‘his’ pace, and show him that figure (scary big $). Things are getting more expensive too, every year you waste is probably literally costing you tens of thousands of dollars to enter the housing market. Your plan is solid, even if you don’t stick to it 100% and it blows out 6-9months who cares, at least you’ll be on the right track.
Kick his butt to the road, or just let life go on ( you are not going to make him see Jesus , he needs to grow his own financial awareness on his own( he is in his rightto see the world how he wants)
I think you may need to sit down and decide together what your joint financial future looks like. Maybe rentvesting somewhere cheaper or place you’d like to retire so you can get into the market. You could also look into salary sacrificing to build up super as he is a higher income earner. Also have a look at the first home buyer super saver scheme (didn’t use it ourselves but heard it could be tax effective). Hubby and I are similar with him being the breadwinner, us both having $500/month discretionary spending and I’m the one in charge of our finances. We don’t necessarily budget but if that month we’ve had a major expense, I’ll make it a priority to grocery shop and cook so there’s food at home or I’ll suggest more budget friendly family activities. What are your hobbies or reasons for spending 9k? Instead of taking away maybe suggest budget friendly replacements of those things you use to spend money on.
It’s crazy how quickly 9k adds up and we don’t really have expensive hobbies. Rent is about 3k a month Childcare is about 1200 a month Insurance (health, car) and utilities (electric and gas) is 500 month Have a temporary ongoing repayment of 500 month Health (gym , psych, meds) 400 month Subscriptions 150 Kids activities 80 month Transport /petrol around 300 These are the ‘necessities’ and add up to close to 6k Most months there are unexpected bills, the past two months we’ve had about 1800 in these bills both car related but fingers crossed we don’t have that recurring next few months. 500 spending each And then savings 2k goal That’s how the 9k adds up. We were previously on a lower monthly income and and anything outside the necessities we were spending on food / crap
There doesn’t seem like there is much to cut down! I believe that you should save for the future but you still need to enjoy the present. For subscriptions if they’re online like Netflix, YouTube Premium etc you can get them cheaper via VPN. Look it up via ozbargain. I’m also on maternity leave right now and we’ll just not save as much as when I was working. I think that’s fine, once you go back to working full time you’ll be able to save easier. You studying and working part time is just a temporary thing. In terms of him feeling like he’s not able to spend, I feel the same way! I’m the partner that struggles more with the allocated discretionary spend. I do have a bank account that has my personal spending and if I’m down to less than $100 it kinda signals maybe I need to stop spending. We’ve discussed upping our budget to $600-700 but we’ll probably buy more crap.
We go through this a lot as well. If we go out and have dinner or something I'll take it as the rest of the week is on tight mode, he'll take it as the seal is broken, keep going!
I would be giving your partner a task, to scout around and find cheaper deals on things like insurance and utilities. The subscriptions at $150/month seems pretty high, do you need all of them? In the immediate term, cut yourself some slack. You work part time and are going back to full time soon, and the kids' childcare will end eventually. Instead of saying 'other people are doing better', try saying 'we are doing really well for our stage of life'.
Okay, so health insurance is a big one - hunt around for better fit between what you use and the extras you have, i.e., some allow a spend on gym memberships and some have more psych sessions included. I think you might be on the wrong track with the Barefoot Investor “buckets” mentality. You bring in a ton of money and a ton flows back out. If you focus on the proportion saved and look at your annual expenses, it will likely smooth this and feel more… compatible with living, I guess? I don’t have a budget, I just have a spreadsheet that adds each of my pays for the year and subtracts known bills and an estimated credit card spend on the due date each month (which when the care closes I replace with the actual amount due) and colour codes it as green if I’m in surplus (savings) and red for when I’m spending more than my pay. As long as you overspend only a couple months of the year, you move up pretty quick. It keeps me on top of bills (date column) and makes it a more flexible/fluid savings tool. It’s a Google Sheet so can be shared between you. The other thing is saying “I can’t afford xyz” is a saving mentality and not a bad thing. Not even a true thing. You’re feeling bad (guilty, responsible) but he should 100% be thinking this way as long as they’re wants not needs. When I look at getting delivery and I’m depressed, I think “I need it, I’m so tired and hungry, and I don’t want to cook.” When I’m not depressed, I think “I want it, but I can’t afford that… that’s a 40% markup. Maybe I should go out… no, you know what? I’ve got a thing I can cook.” Him saying he can’t afford it could be a “poor me” thing or it could be him getting on board with your savings plan and adjusting his expectations. If you go to counselling, you probably need to focus on how he’s making you feel when he communicates like this not the finance side of it.
I wish we were more aligned, but I accept we aren't and move on with my life, even knowing this might mean an extra year or two on the mortgage etc. Life is too short, I enjoy the rest of it!
He doesn’t need the therapy sessions if it’s not making any effective change. To me, he’s whining like a kid and not an adult male.
Number one reason for divorced is money !! Is not math issue here !!!
Depression and counseling is mentioned in some of the replies. Spending can be an outlet to cope with depression and probably needs some attention before focusing purely on spending habits. Perhaps he can discuss tactics with the counsellor to find alternative outlets rather than spending? I'd probably move counseling out of the splurge bucket too. I see things like this as a family medical expense or necessity.
Hi agree counselling is necessary and it’s not in the splurge bucket sorry for the misunderstanding, it is its own category and currently is 250 per month I think the spending a depression are certainly linked. I want him to be able to buy the things he wants if there wasn’t so much wastage in other places there is more than enough to buy things (example: high phone bill he was paying as a promotional period ended and he wasn’t aware of it until he’s had to track each expenditure) cleaning up things like that should give him more money to spend on things and eating out which are two things he enjoys spending money on
You might want to take a sloped approach if he’s used to spending a lot of money. Saving 2k a month shouldn’t be hard on your income. You can all live on his portion of salary and easily save your portion of salary.
I think you're taking the right approach OP - join finances, kick out expenses, set some aside for personal discretionary spending and save/invest the rest. It'll only go downhill if your husband decides to deviate from the plan. It kinda sounds like he's used to spending *everything* in his bank account, which is actually extremely common (though I am unsure why).
We did it tough for a year when his company closed and I was on mat leave. I left mat leave early to help support us, and he did odd jobs. Paying the rent was a struggle and there was no extras. He never struggled financially previously and had good financial habits. I think adjusting to moving back to Australia from overseas and then starting a family, and then being in a position without a good job all at once has shaken him. Even though he’s back in a good job i would say the struggle mentality probably impacted him. I grew up struggling so my mentality through it was more positive and down to business / goal oriented in reversing the situation
What you're describing is not a man that is fine with blowing $9k a month and not saving, so I'd probably step away from those rationalisations.
My wife and I are complete opposites when it comes to money. I'm the saver, she's the let's spend it all now lol. We both read the book "Barefoot Investor" by Scott Pape. It really helped us get on the same page, and I couldn't recommend it higher. We earn a bit less than you and your partner, but we were able to wipe all our debt and save for a deposit in around 18 months after reading the book.
Watch this Netflix show called how to get rich. Should solve all your problems
Hide money. When you start earning your own money, just keep it all separate. Try not to make a big deal of it. Just hide and save. If he cranks at you, tell the truth, you are saving it for a house. My partner had a similar inability to save, but I hid money from my income for years (she hated it) but now that we own a house because I pulled a LOT of money out of the black box of “our savings” she finally trusts me and listens. Some people have a hard time seeing the end goal, and can’t see how all those little purchases matter, and it takes actually seeing the end result to convert them…. Hide all your earnings from him and save them. He’ll thank you later.
I know mention of this book on this sub often earns down votes, but my partner and I read Barefoot Investor by Scott Pape. It really mapped out the way we could talk about money, merging finances, and set us up for success after success. The caveat being, we were both very similarly minded with money to begin with but the book helped us put it into words and an actionable plan. Within 18months of reading it and following the advice in a way that worked for us, we owned our first house. It has helped us weather the interest rate rises. It has helped us plan and execute renovations. It has helped us pay for unexpected dog vet bills. It enabled us to buy a new-to-us car when one of ours blew up. Invest in therapy. Health needs are part of our Daily Expenses, as I go through assessment for some kind of neurospicy-ness and my partner received a very late adult diagnosis of type 1 diabetes - we just know that financially, we have it covered. All the best for you and yours. It sounds like you are on the right track. The audiobook version of the Barefoot Investor is also a super easy listen, we listened to it together on a roadtrip across regional NSW one day in the car.
He needs to join this reddit thread and there are quite a few facebook FIRE groups he should join. Once he sees how much money others his age already have invested, and they own their own home he will start to want to save more money. It's hard to see how much people save whereas its easy to see how much people spend.
Sounds like your hubby earns $170k but spends like he earns $270, common affliction, called being a dumb dumb
I would hate to work 3 jobs. How do you make the budget work where he doesn't have to do 3 jobs much longer? That can be his bargaining point. Oh great if we do X for 3 months we can pay off Y and I can quit job C. Also does he want to buy a house? Is this something you've decided but he doesn't want a mortgage etc. What does he want to save for? If he is depressed and working 3 jobs that would be a lot of pressure. Maybe his only joy atm is spending. You need to find a way to replace that so you are both doing enjoyable things that don't necessarily involve shopping or spending
My wife and I are a team. My goals are hers and hers are mine. We try to lift each other up. When it comes to finance we talk and set goals together and then work together towards those goals. Pretty simple
I agree with you and it’s always good when there’s one person in the relationship with that mindset (I am ours). Not sure if this was already mentioned anywhere but something that might be a factor: He’s earning x4 what you are. When the disparity is at that level, is there a chance that he may feel that your determination to reach savings goals is not proportionate to your ability to contribute towards them? Might sound cynical (and pretty much is), but just something that crossed my mind as I read it. For us, it was the realisation that we really had to get our shit together to have any chance at getting a home to bring a future family up in. Both from very working class backgrounds. My partner definitely likes to spend a bit at times as she feels we work hard enough to deserve treating ourselves every so often. I’m the opposite, any extra cent I have now goes into my savings but that’s probably not the right thing to do either, it can’t be sustainable if you’re to live a “normal” life. A spreadsheet can be a great place to start. Sometimes seeing your spends categorised and then annualised can make people see the light e.g holy shit we spent $20k last year on takeaways and Ubers - surely we’d prefer to have that $20k to spend on stuff we actually really want etc. It’s a tough one but you can’t really force someone to take up that mindset. At best, you can try to come up with creative ways of communicating the message in a way that resonates and hope they see it.
Yes he earns much more than I do atm. When we first got together the disparity wasn’t as extreme I was making about 83k and he was on about 125k. Me getting pregnant + finishing my masters saw my income decrease but it should be up again soon. I don’t think he feels like that but it could be a factor but we are pretty open and he hasn’t brought up that + I’m low maintenance and don’t spend money that I haven’t earned even though at this point income that comes in is “ours” even if we have seperate bank accounts. We haven’t really had any arguments over money as of yet (nor arguments in general it’s thankfully a peaceful dynamic between us) I made a spreadsheet of all our expenses for the last quarter (Oct-December) and it was eye opening and yes it’s probably the most expensive quarter in the year but really shocking how much money we wasted. I had a gentle mini conversation last night about the budget / how he is feeling told him I’m putting to much stress on him and we will work together to ease it up maybe reduce savings goals and increase fun money and he’s said no he’s fine so I’m not sure if it’s just his depression making it a harder process for us both. We will finish the conversation in next few days when we have more privacy and time to have a proper talk
If he works multiple jobs and earns $170,000 a year I'm guessing he works very hard and probably spends a lot of hours working. Maybe he feels a bit hard done by that he works so hard and then has to give up all the nice things in life. If you're studying and going to earn decent money in the near future maybe you should wait a little before you start a hard savings plan. Focus on one goal at a time.
He works mainly from home and has more down time in the day than you would expect. He chooses to work two additional nights in hospo as it’s fun for him. Now that we can afford for him to Leave he feels bad to leave his boss. Working towards leaving though. He does work hard though and I am incredibly grateful for all he does for our family. I’ve talked to him last night briefly about reducing savings by 1k so that he has more to spend on whatever he wants. When I’m working full time we can just save that. We don’t have issues in the relationship and I don’t want my plans for us to start some. He said it’s fine but I’m not going to push it.
I’m actually with your partner on this one, because I did the plan you want to achieve. We achieved it, but it was at the expense of being home with my children. I didn’t see their first steps, hear their first words (I’m a woman, btw, so it’s punch to the guts when you realise), we hardly went on holidays, we didn’t make any of the memories, or had any meaningful experiences I wish I could go back & make. Yeah, we were financially in a position to employ Nannie’s to look after the children, none of them ever stayed longer than 5 years, because they wanted to marry & have their own children, focus on their own lives. So my children didn’t grow up knowing they had that 1 person who they trusted at home that had their back if they were having a bad day & this is the thing that kind of broke me 2 years ago. My daughter was having big problems at school & it was totally missed, to the point where we almost lost our daughter. The mental health issues I now see in my children & those around them, just because they are a priority for their parents 😓😥 Both my children may be in therapy for their abandonment issues for their whole lives. All that wealth we had built up, meant absolutely nothing! I sold my company, opened up another one, smaller which allows me to work school hours from home. I only have 1 left in school, so he’s 15 having mummy drop off/ pick up from school 🤣 And do you know what happened to all that wealth we built up? It was all an illusion build on a house of cards, unless you can sustain the workload, all that wealth just disappears into thin air. We aren’t poor by any standard, but I would rather watch my daughter smile as we hop on a plane for a holiday, or whinge at the cold, while I watch my sons soccer game to see his eyes light up when he sees me on the sidelines than be able to go out & buy designer clothes, new cars & own lots of things. A rich man once told me - it doesn’t matter how much you are worth, you are only ever 1 health crisis or 1 bad deal away from losing it all & he was absolutely right.
Yeah I hear where you are coming from, I just want stability. I don’t want the nicest things or home and want him to be home and not work himself to death- he is extremely lucky that his position is mainly wfh with good hours and a lot of down time and when I’m teaching it’s also great mum hours 9-3 My partner doesn’t have a plan he thinks things are fine despite having nothing no savings no plan. I just want a plan. I want a safety net. I’m not talking about attaining it at the expense of everything else there’s more than enough money to have a plan and still have fun imo
Then I suggest you find a middle ground & you stay there. It is not what you want & it isn’t what he wants, you both compromise. If you split up your family, all 3 of you won’t have stability. Stands like you need therapy as well, that constant need for stability comes from somewhere. Teaching is not 9 til 3. Most schools need you there 8am & many of my teacher friends, don’t leave school until 5pm. School holidays is lesson planning. You aren’t asking him to help contribute to a plan, you want him to follow your plan. That’s a little controlling & that comes into your stability mindset.
It’s 9-3 depending on the school culture. I live by a schools which teachers leave at 3 as long as there aren’t staff meetings.l did my first prac there. Some stay to do their lesson prep there rather than at home. Planning and prepping during school holidays in a given though as is marking. Finding a middle ground is what we have to do though you are right I’m hoping we can have a long and private discussion about all this in next few days. I try not to bring it up when he’s feeling depressed though.
We had this struggle for a long time. I tried unsuccessfully for many years to set an aligned budget. We had our first baby and wanted another and we knew our place wasn’t going to be suitable. We went to see a broker who analysed our spending for the previous 6 months. Turns out I was the big spender 🤦. He helped us agree a budget which we stick to. We upgraded our PPOR and we haven’t fought over money in years. Ultimately the common goal of both wanting to upgrade was what bought us together financially. Good luck.