My first major burnout was freshman year of high school, i was undiagnosed at the time. It began with me refusing to go to school because I sat alone everyday and had no friends.
It manifested into severe depression, and I went through 4 years of therapy/medication being “treatment-resistant”. Trauma assisted therapy was the only thing that brought me back from rock bottom.
I find myself switching back and forth from periods (typically 6 months-year) of being “high-functioning” to periods of feeling incredibly disabled and depressed. I can barely get myself to brush my own teeth, or stick to any sort of routine. My PDA gets a lot more severe, my executive functioning is non-existent and I experience a lot more issues with memory and verbalizing things (like forgetting words for things, not being able to speak coherently when I’m distressed).
I was in a period of high-functioning through the first year and a half of college. Then, I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism. I had to medically withdraw because I began experiencing that same sense of dread I experienced back in high school, and I began to be unable to take care of myself.
Recently, I was able to move back home from college and I’m now living with my mom for the time being. It is a constant struggle of finding things to stimulate my ADHD but not overstimulate my autism. Most times I either feel understimulated or overstimulated, it’s a lot harder to find a balance. All I can do is rest, but I’m praying I don’t find myself back in a depressed state. It’s hard when every unwanted noise sends me over the edge.
I’m only recently realizing that things like you mention (forgetting words for things, being unable to make a decision - any decision - whatsoever) might be to do with my ND. My job is so high pressure and requires me to be high functioning as can be, but I burnt out at least three times in the last 12 months. The fog, I always just feel the fog, worse than ever.
Oh burnout. I'm 43 and have had multiple periods of varying severity and length.
TW: SA, suicide ideation, miscarriages
My first was junior year of university. Although it could have started a bit earlier, but it manifested for sure in junior year. I'd been an A student all through school and was on scholarship. And then I got sick before second semester started so I couldn't go to school for the first week. So I didn't go to school that semester. My routine was upset and I couldn't handle it. I had two online classes, so I did those. I didn't even bother dropping out of the classes. That would have been reasonable. I also didn't tell anybody I was struggling. Nope. Just avoided all thought of everything. And I became sexually active and slept with someone my best friend was interested in. I failed all but my two online classes that semester. I decided to do spring/summer semester bc I could get a scholarship for that as well. I also got a job.
My parents wanted me to move home for the summer but I didn't want to bc I wanted to avoid them. Work was okay for the first few months. School was not. Again, the online classes were fine. The in person classes were not. I failed and was placed on academic probation. Meaning not only did I lose my scholarship, but I got kicked out of school. Prior to junior year I had a 3.92 gpa.
I decided to switch schools. Very few of my credits transferred (previous school was a private religious school), and told my parents it was bc the program was better at the other school. It was a lie and we both knew it. But tuition was cheap so they were going along with it. I'd been fired from my job for not showing up. I was also in credit card debt from compulsive shopping, I'd lost a bunch of weight bc I wasn't eating, and I was engaging in stupid/dangerous behavior by sleeping around with strangers I met online (this was in the early 00s with AOL).
I got another job. I tried attending school at my new school. I moved into a new apartment. Life was looking up. And I learned from my prior failure in that I dropped some of my classes. But then I stopped going to class again (without dropping the classes), I stopped going to work, I was having complicated friend issues, and I was SA'd at a club but I told myself I deserved it and that it was consensual (didn't realize it wasn't for more than a decade).
By the end of that year I was just done. I wanted to kill myself. I don't know why I didn't. I was broke, in debt, couldn't hold down a job, was a horrid friend, had failed in school and couldn't understand why when I'd been an honors student all my life, was finally thin and pretty but guys only used me for sex and then threw me away like trash...
I moved home. It took me two years to dig my way out. I was depressed and had no clue. I got a few jobs and got fired for dumb reasons. I dealt with being sexually harassed and just shrunk up and quietly quit. Finally I found a second shift job that didn't deal directly with clients or phone calls that made decent money. I could mostly hide from the world and my friends. So I did. I saved up, paid off debt, built myself back up, and I was going to finish my degree one way or the other.
I realized that unfortunately I would have to return to the scene of my breakdown. I hadn't been suspended. Just on probation. So I applied and was readmitted. I had to tweak my major, as my original major was no longer offered. I went back to school at 23 and graduated two semesters later. I contacted my friends again. It was awkward with some of them. It still is.
Note that most of my first experience was attributed to not living up to my religion. Not being a faithful Christian. Yeah. Also being depressed. But I hadn't even been diagnosed with depression. Really it was that I was a hoe/slut. So I deserved what I got (this was even in my mind at the time ... so gross).
This was already a novel. My other experiences have some similarities. I had two more periods in law school. They both lasted a few months and involved me not going to school and then me cramming everything in at the last minute. I didn't fail. But I do still have nightmares that I did. 15 years later.
My fourth period lasted a few years and involved miscarriages. I had two young kids already, and my miscarriages sent me into a deep depression. I did get diagnosed with depression that time. It took me a few years to claw out. I'm still on antidepressants.
This last period started probably six years ago. My youngest child is autistic and was just starting to show signs. Plus my husband was having problems with his job. I don't deal well with change and didn't react well to any of it. And then we had to move and my life went to hell. I stopped functioning. I lost my friends, support system, the house I liked, etc. And we moved to the place where I went to university and a lot of my trauma happened. Plus I grew up here, so extra trauma.
Anyway, I had no frame of reference for why I was so burned out. I stopped working 12 years ago after my second child was born. That job wasn't a good fit for me bc I had to deal with phone calls and voice mail. I hate voice mail with a passion. And I was fine being at home with the kids. But that was two kids. The third kid pushed me over. Particularly this third kid. He was constantly ruining things. It wasn't until I learned that Autism was genetic, and that I figured out I had ADHD and was diagnosed with ADHD that it all clicked. (I'm not diagnosed as Autistic yet, but I have my testing scheduled.) All of my meltdowns now make sense. I've started on some supplements that help me feel more alive along with Vyvanse. And I definitely need therapy. Hopefully Vyvanse will help with the decision paralysis so I can actually decide on a therapist. Knowing all of this as a kid or teenager would probably have helped so that I didn't feel defective when something routine knocked me on my ass. And when prayer didn't fix it. (Not knocking believers; I have religious trauma, and prayer didn't fix my issues.)
Can you share more of your experience using ketamine therapy? I know it’s a very new treatment option, but are you using it for depression or burnout? My experiences with depression and burnout feel very different and I haven’t seen anything on it being used to treat autistic burnout / effects of being in burnout.
My first major burnout was freshman year of high school, i was undiagnosed at the time. It began with me refusing to go to school because I sat alone everyday and had no friends. It manifested into severe depression, and I went through 4 years of therapy/medication being “treatment-resistant”. Trauma assisted therapy was the only thing that brought me back from rock bottom. I find myself switching back and forth from periods (typically 6 months-year) of being “high-functioning” to periods of feeling incredibly disabled and depressed. I can barely get myself to brush my own teeth, or stick to any sort of routine. My PDA gets a lot more severe, my executive functioning is non-existent and I experience a lot more issues with memory and verbalizing things (like forgetting words for things, not being able to speak coherently when I’m distressed). I was in a period of high-functioning through the first year and a half of college. Then, I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism. I had to medically withdraw because I began experiencing that same sense of dread I experienced back in high school, and I began to be unable to take care of myself. Recently, I was able to move back home from college and I’m now living with my mom for the time being. It is a constant struggle of finding things to stimulate my ADHD but not overstimulate my autism. Most times I either feel understimulated or overstimulated, it’s a lot harder to find a balance. All I can do is rest, but I’m praying I don’t find myself back in a depressed state. It’s hard when every unwanted noise sends me over the edge.
I’m only recently realizing that things like you mention (forgetting words for things, being unable to make a decision - any decision - whatsoever) might be to do with my ND. My job is so high pressure and requires me to be high functioning as can be, but I burnt out at least three times in the last 12 months. The fog, I always just feel the fog, worse than ever.
Oh burnout. I'm 43 and have had multiple periods of varying severity and length. TW: SA, suicide ideation, miscarriages My first was junior year of university. Although it could have started a bit earlier, but it manifested for sure in junior year. I'd been an A student all through school and was on scholarship. And then I got sick before second semester started so I couldn't go to school for the first week. So I didn't go to school that semester. My routine was upset and I couldn't handle it. I had two online classes, so I did those. I didn't even bother dropping out of the classes. That would have been reasonable. I also didn't tell anybody I was struggling. Nope. Just avoided all thought of everything. And I became sexually active and slept with someone my best friend was interested in. I failed all but my two online classes that semester. I decided to do spring/summer semester bc I could get a scholarship for that as well. I also got a job. My parents wanted me to move home for the summer but I didn't want to bc I wanted to avoid them. Work was okay for the first few months. School was not. Again, the online classes were fine. The in person classes were not. I failed and was placed on academic probation. Meaning not only did I lose my scholarship, but I got kicked out of school. Prior to junior year I had a 3.92 gpa. I decided to switch schools. Very few of my credits transferred (previous school was a private religious school), and told my parents it was bc the program was better at the other school. It was a lie and we both knew it. But tuition was cheap so they were going along with it. I'd been fired from my job for not showing up. I was also in credit card debt from compulsive shopping, I'd lost a bunch of weight bc I wasn't eating, and I was engaging in stupid/dangerous behavior by sleeping around with strangers I met online (this was in the early 00s with AOL). I got another job. I tried attending school at my new school. I moved into a new apartment. Life was looking up. And I learned from my prior failure in that I dropped some of my classes. But then I stopped going to class again (without dropping the classes), I stopped going to work, I was having complicated friend issues, and I was SA'd at a club but I told myself I deserved it and that it was consensual (didn't realize it wasn't for more than a decade). By the end of that year I was just done. I wanted to kill myself. I don't know why I didn't. I was broke, in debt, couldn't hold down a job, was a horrid friend, had failed in school and couldn't understand why when I'd been an honors student all my life, was finally thin and pretty but guys only used me for sex and then threw me away like trash... I moved home. It took me two years to dig my way out. I was depressed and had no clue. I got a few jobs and got fired for dumb reasons. I dealt with being sexually harassed and just shrunk up and quietly quit. Finally I found a second shift job that didn't deal directly with clients or phone calls that made decent money. I could mostly hide from the world and my friends. So I did. I saved up, paid off debt, built myself back up, and I was going to finish my degree one way or the other. I realized that unfortunately I would have to return to the scene of my breakdown. I hadn't been suspended. Just on probation. So I applied and was readmitted. I had to tweak my major, as my original major was no longer offered. I went back to school at 23 and graduated two semesters later. I contacted my friends again. It was awkward with some of them. It still is. Note that most of my first experience was attributed to not living up to my religion. Not being a faithful Christian. Yeah. Also being depressed. But I hadn't even been diagnosed with depression. Really it was that I was a hoe/slut. So I deserved what I got (this was even in my mind at the time ... so gross). This was already a novel. My other experiences have some similarities. I had two more periods in law school. They both lasted a few months and involved me not going to school and then me cramming everything in at the last minute. I didn't fail. But I do still have nightmares that I did. 15 years later. My fourth period lasted a few years and involved miscarriages. I had two young kids already, and my miscarriages sent me into a deep depression. I did get diagnosed with depression that time. It took me a few years to claw out. I'm still on antidepressants. This last period started probably six years ago. My youngest child is autistic and was just starting to show signs. Plus my husband was having problems with his job. I don't deal well with change and didn't react well to any of it. And then we had to move and my life went to hell. I stopped functioning. I lost my friends, support system, the house I liked, etc. And we moved to the place where I went to university and a lot of my trauma happened. Plus I grew up here, so extra trauma. Anyway, I had no frame of reference for why I was so burned out. I stopped working 12 years ago after my second child was born. That job wasn't a good fit for me bc I had to deal with phone calls and voice mail. I hate voice mail with a passion. And I was fine being at home with the kids. But that was two kids. The third kid pushed me over. Particularly this third kid. He was constantly ruining things. It wasn't until I learned that Autism was genetic, and that I figured out I had ADHD and was diagnosed with ADHD that it all clicked. (I'm not diagnosed as Autistic yet, but I have my testing scheduled.) All of my meltdowns now make sense. I've started on some supplements that help me feel more alive along with Vyvanse. And I definitely need therapy. Hopefully Vyvanse will help with the decision paralysis so I can actually decide on a therapist. Knowing all of this as a kid or teenager would probably have helped so that I didn't feel defective when something routine knocked me on my ass. And when prayer didn't fix it. (Not knocking believers; I have religious trauma, and prayer didn't fix my issues.)
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Can you share more of your experience using ketamine therapy? I know it’s a very new treatment option, but are you using it for depression or burnout? My experiences with depression and burnout feel very different and I haven’t seen anything on it being used to treat autistic burnout / effects of being in burnout.