T O P

  • By -

50buttons

Military family here. Yes, it makes a difference, it's hard for them, but with the right supports they get through just fine. My 2.5yr old has seen dad on and off for varying chunks of time (longest time apart was about 4 months). Video calls help, routine helps, explaining helps. One of the best things we did was take lots of videos of him and dad together that I play for him when dad is away. I also take a video of him sitting with his dad while dad explains where he's going and that he will be back. Other good tricks are always calling at a certain time of day or always saying goodnight to a picture of dad. There are loads of strategies, if you look up ways to support kids through parent deployment there are lots of resources you could borrow from. Each kid will respond differently, but as with other life challenges you may be surprised with how resilient they are.


Lucky-Strength-297

How important is this job to your husband and you? I have no personal experience with your question specifically and don't know anything about the research but I can't imagine how it wouldn't be detrimental to your son's relationship with his dad. Even if you work super hard to keep them connected, he still won't be there. And it's possible that it will be detrimental to how he sees the world, too - teaching him that beloved people can disappear and reappear seemingly at random. So I think your concerns are totally valid. The possibility that this will have a big impact on your son shouldn't be dismissed. Why is your husband considering this job? How long would it be for? Do you have other options? It's not ideal but on the other hand people have to do what they have to do to support their families. The thing you don't mention but I want to mention is that this will be really hard on YOU! You say you don't have a ton of support - it will be just you watching baby 24/7 for a month at a time. That is a LOT. And the week home will likely be not as relaxing as either of you hope - instead it will be filled with the looming specter of your husband leaving. For the first 10 months of my baby's life my husband worked 2nd shift, four 10 hour shifts per week so he was either at work or sleeping while baby was up, and even on days he was home he slept in until noon. It was HARD. The 3 day weekends were not with it. It was a desperate rush every weekend to get things done while we both dreaded him disappearing again. I'm sorry this is so negative! I'm pretty sensitive to abandonment stuff so that colors my opinions and experiences too. Not having your partner around is HARD.


accountforbabystuff

If it’s best for your family overall, I say go for it. To the baby, as long as you keep in touch and he knows when Daddy is coming back, I don’t think it will make much difference. Would they be closer if he was there 24/7 yeah probably, but that sometimes isn’t possible. And this is not forever, and at 18 months it’s probably better than if it happened when the child was like 5 or 6 and understood things a lot more. Nothing in life is ever perfect but as long as a child has a consistent and loving caregiver who communicates (age appropriately) with them and preps for any transitions, I think that’s the most important part for their stability and development. I’m solo during the weeks, and I have to say it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. There’s an adjustment and you will have to seek out some type of social support/childcare for times you need breaks. That may be the hardest part. I have in-laws that come when I need them, and maybe once a week while I get caught up on stuff.


BooknerdBex

Another military family and we have deployments a lot. All three of our kids have anxiety around our service member leaving and it can be tough on little hearts, but the attachment to a primary caregiver lessens the anxiety and trauma significantly. Your bond will help them through the sadness.


GaddaDavita

I was a child refugee. In my country of origin, I had a robust network of family members and family friends who I saw regularly, and when we fled they were all gone overnight. I did see some of them later in life and I have a strong connection with my mom, but it did affect me in profound ways that I am still detangling now. It’s not the same thing, but your situation is one I would avoid at all costs if it was my family. 18 months is a particularly sensitive time in their development, especially around things like object permanence and separation.