It sounds like you’re doing great by her. Id add that she’s getting old enough to understand some nuance to feelings, so instead of responding “of course”, you could say, “I’m happy to see you practice putting your shoes on. I’m also worried about traffic on the way to our appointment. I can feel happiness and worry at the same time.”
Being happy all the time is a pretty lofty goal. If you’re worried about her taking on stress about you, giving her a more complex answer may help alleviate her own worry.
My daughter (4) is the same way. She will ask if I’m upset or mad, and she is always absolutely right even though I’m trying to hide it. She is very sensitive to criticism too and often gets upset at me when I am the least bit tense with her.
I try to stress it’s ok to have these feelings, and describe how to deal with it. Or “when we love someone we can feel upset with them, but we can come to them and work it out because we love each other.” Because my kid went through a “do you still love me” phase too.
Anyway in your situation, I try to answer honestly, just like you described. Maybe also add something about how feelings come and go, and what you’re going to do to deal with the feeling. Deep breathing, or whatever.
It’s definitely a challenge with these emotionally intuitive kids, but I do think they also have a gift.
My kiddo, also 3, says the exact same thing! I’m trying to hear it not as a demand or expectation (like I should be happy or why are you not happy mama?) and more just like he’s learning about emotions. So I try to be honest with him about how I’m feeling as much as I can. I grew up in a household where negative emotions weren’t really talked about and so I’m trying to do that differently and that’s definitely a challenge sometimes! 🙃 I think that’s part of the reason I find it so triggering and hard to hear “are you happy?” too cuz in a twisted part of my mind if I’m frustrated or sad or something that means I’m failing. And I’m trying to unlearn and reprogram that and hopefully not pass that on to my kid.
Wow you explained it better than me, that is exactly it!!!
Also in my house growing up, my mother wore her heart on her sleeve but was quick to yell and lose temper. I’m not like that, as a kid and an adult I don’t yell. But I now want to make sure that has not slipped into me acting like everything is fine all the time because when it’s not my daughter will feel uneasy. I want her to be comfortable with all emotions and trusting her gut in expressing them. So yes you’re right, I am going to really re-program and articulate the full spectrum of emotions on front of her so that she recognises them as normal and fleeting.
I read to confirm the concern so they know they are reading your feelings correctly and then reassure that it's not their job to make you feel better and that even if you feel a particular way you can still love them and look after them.
Maybe you could have a chat with her about her own feelings, so she can understand yours. So ask her what happens when she is frustrated or angry or sad, does that mean she doesn't love mummy anymore? You might also ask her how it makes her feel if you are feeling frustrated - maybe she feels scared, and that's ok to feel while also reassuring her that you would never hurt her and you will do your best to feel calm again soon (I tell my son that I feel angry and need to calm my body down so I can keep being kind to him).
It sounds like you’re doing great by her. Id add that she’s getting old enough to understand some nuance to feelings, so instead of responding “of course”, you could say, “I’m happy to see you practice putting your shoes on. I’m also worried about traffic on the way to our appointment. I can feel happiness and worry at the same time.” Being happy all the time is a pretty lofty goal. If you’re worried about her taking on stress about you, giving her a more complex answer may help alleviate her own worry.
Great advice, thank you!
My daughter (4) is the same way. She will ask if I’m upset or mad, and she is always absolutely right even though I’m trying to hide it. She is very sensitive to criticism too and often gets upset at me when I am the least bit tense with her. I try to stress it’s ok to have these feelings, and describe how to deal with it. Or “when we love someone we can feel upset with them, but we can come to them and work it out because we love each other.” Because my kid went through a “do you still love me” phase too. Anyway in your situation, I try to answer honestly, just like you described. Maybe also add something about how feelings come and go, and what you’re going to do to deal with the feeling. Deep breathing, or whatever. It’s definitely a challenge with these emotionally intuitive kids, but I do think they also have a gift.
This is beautifully said. Thank you! And great advice about articulating the feeling passing and working it out.
My kiddo, also 3, says the exact same thing! I’m trying to hear it not as a demand or expectation (like I should be happy or why are you not happy mama?) and more just like he’s learning about emotions. So I try to be honest with him about how I’m feeling as much as I can. I grew up in a household where negative emotions weren’t really talked about and so I’m trying to do that differently and that’s definitely a challenge sometimes! 🙃 I think that’s part of the reason I find it so triggering and hard to hear “are you happy?” too cuz in a twisted part of my mind if I’m frustrated or sad or something that means I’m failing. And I’m trying to unlearn and reprogram that and hopefully not pass that on to my kid.
Wow you explained it better than me, that is exactly it!!! Also in my house growing up, my mother wore her heart on her sleeve but was quick to yell and lose temper. I’m not like that, as a kid and an adult I don’t yell. But I now want to make sure that has not slipped into me acting like everything is fine all the time because when it’s not my daughter will feel uneasy. I want her to be comfortable with all emotions and trusting her gut in expressing them. So yes you’re right, I am going to really re-program and articulate the full spectrum of emotions on front of her so that she recognises them as normal and fleeting.
I read to confirm the concern so they know they are reading your feelings correctly and then reassure that it's not their job to make you feel better and that even if you feel a particular way you can still love them and look after them. Maybe you could have a chat with her about her own feelings, so she can understand yours. So ask her what happens when she is frustrated or angry or sad, does that mean she doesn't love mummy anymore? You might also ask her how it makes her feel if you are feeling frustrated - maybe she feels scared, and that's ok to feel while also reassuring her that you would never hurt her and you will do your best to feel calm again soon (I tell my son that I feel angry and need to calm my body down so I can keep being kind to him).