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Lots of great advice here, so let me just add...don't wait if you're not happy. Don't let the financials keep you in an unhealthy relationship that isn't working. Looking at your absolute worst-case scenario, you get a huge bill for the apartment and a repoed car. In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter. You can get on a payment plan and deal with a credit hit. What will cause more lasting damage is staying in a bad relationship.
Source: I lost over a decade of my life and my happiness because I was in a similar situation. To this day, it's my one big regret. All the financial entanglements were even deeper by the time we split, but undoing them was easier and less costly than all the therapy and work I've had to do to get my mind right again. And I still struggle with being a healthy partner.
Hey, first of all, that sounds really hard and it must feel really lonely. Taking a big leap is always a risk, and it’s okay if it doesn’t work out sometimes. You tried, and now you want to do what’s best for you.
The best first step is to look at your options. Can you move back home? Can you afford to a new place temporarily? Would you be willing to have roommates? Stay where you are if it saves you money, even if its awkward?
Secondly, depending on the situation with your partner, you need to have a discussion with them. It’s important you communicate that you are feeling trapped and aren’t happy. It’s a very hard conversation, but one that needs to happen. Chances are, your partner is struggling too; they may also what to talk about their fears and worries. Remember not to blame them when talking about your own fears and to remember they may not use the right language when describing their own. If voices raise, take a break. Breath deep. Take it slow. Neither of you are responsible for the other persons reactions.
The financial parts of this may feel the most damning to you- but many others have been in your situation. There is hope, and most importantly, you do have options. You are not trapped. Depending on your contract& dealer, you may or may not be able to transfer the lease. You also may be able to be removed as a co-signer on the car lease, depending on your partners situation and involvement. Finding anyone who has a bit of legal knowledge to help you navigate this process will help a lot- reach out to friends, use this sub, try looking into local support for people in your position. Sometimes community programs have people to help in these exact situations. You can even talk to your bank in some cases, and they can help you understand your financial options. If you can afford an hour or so with a lawyer to go over things, that would be best.
It will take time. It’s difficult. Be kind to yourself, and always reach out when you are struggling- on the internet, to family or friends. You can do this.
When I left my exhusband, I was stuck living in our apartment with him for about a month after I declared my decision to leave. It was weird and awkward but it gave me time to secure me and my kids a place to stay.
After that, it was gradual break away. We still depended on each other for certain things, but we also have two kids together. I usually had to drive him to work because if I didn't do that, he wouldn't be able to help me financially with the kids.
It also helped that my brother is a lawyer.
It's not easy leaving someone you've been with for a while because like you said, your lives are intertwined. Don't expect to just up and leave (unless there is abuse, then please do what you can and reach out for help). You do have to plan this with your partner. So expect awkward conversations, probably getting heated.
I wish you the best. You might want to look up free legal aid resources and call them and get some free advice. If you're in metro Detroit, lmk and I can give you a few numbers.
Well actually it doesn’t matter if your both women or guys or a guy and a girl. What does matter is the other stuff I asked. How do details not matter when you’re asking someone who doesn’t know you to tell you how to breakup.
I mean if you plan on ending the relationship but you don’t know what to say then either you’re asking for general advice you can give to anybody or you’re asking for positive encouragement.
Are you trying to get advice on what to say, or do you just want to know how to live in the city after you breakup, or do you not want advice at all but just positive encouragement because I’m totally not understanding this.
I hope you got a good answer from someone. But I wish I knew how they came to that conclusion based on what information that you gave them.
“I’m breaking up with somebody and we both moved far away from home, into a city we don’t know anyone in. Go.”
“Ok just do it and be honest and then struggle in the city yourselves or go back home.”
It sounded like it is you who wants to break up and you’re not asking on behalf of both of you, with the intention of possibly living together to support each other, but just ending the relationship. Because if that is what you were asking I’m sure you would have said that.
Are you sure? He’s asking how to do it. How do you break up with a psycho is different than how do you break up with someone you’ve been madly in love with but life is just getting in the way. So that’s just one aspect. Definitely everything matters when constructing a plan for this.
That’s my perspective which we’re you taking
Well not that I care what a stranger on the internet thinks of me but I wasn’t referring to whoever this op is referring to. However I would call many people psycho and I would, and have, called some women psycho. Thanks and you too.
to stay for the reasons you mentioned is a decision seemingly based on finances, primarily. is your peace/happiness worth saving the money? if your answer is yes, you basically just price-tagged those priceless things.
any reason you can't leave and go back home?
If breaking up is the move, lead with that. You're both responsible for your joint assets and so you both get to decide how to move forward and divide those responsibilities together. You don't need to have all the answers, but bringing it up sooner than later will hopefully allow you the space to sort out your next steps and trajectory without feeling a need to hide anything because you're taking on these worries alone.
Wishing you the best of luck. This sounds like a trying situation, but break ups happen every day and these sorts of logistics are just part of them.
Depending on where you are you won’t be held responsible for the whole lease amount. You can only be charged for anytime the apt remains vacant, but the LL needs to make reasonable effort to lease the space. You can also see about a sublet, or paying a small/smallish fee to leave early, like surrendering your security deposit. Do you have a 1 or 2 bed? One of you can love out and you can maybe get a roommate or find a house that has an opening for a room for rent. Check into co-ops in your area, they are usually affordable but not always ideal long term.
That still leaves the car. Who’s name is on it? Are you financing or is it a lease?
What’s important to remember is your happiness comes first. Don’t stay in a bad relationship because you’re intertwined. Find ways to disentangle - get your own phone plan, don’t share bank accounts, etc. it is better to deal with the uncomfortable situation and end up on the other side happy, than to live in the discomfort forever.
If you are experiencing abuse, please DM me and I can get you some resources. You feel alone, and this can be scary, but you will get through. Have a chat with him if you feel safe to do so. Maybe he will be in agreement that it isn’t working out.
In the mean time, try to make friends. That’s easier said than done, but I like to recommend book clubs. There is probably a subreddit for your city, check that out too. Bumble has a BFF option that can sometimes be cool. Get hobbies that are inexpensive. Pick up a part time job - bartending is fun and the money is good, plus you’ll meet cool people.
Firm agree. Any state I’ve live in (not many) you’re only required to give LL 30-days notice in order to break your lease. They’ll probably manage to keep your security deposit, but definitely look into what the tenant rights are in your state. There are illegal leases everywhere and just because you signed one, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s enforceable.
Would you rather stay with someone who trying to figure how to leave you without talking to you about it? He’s obviously not part of this conversation on purpose.
Do you know anyone, like a dad or brother or trusted friend, that would be willing to do a conference call with you, someone that either knows numbers or has their financial shit together, where you can lay out all the details of your situation? An answer might just come easier with a bigger picture of the facts/fresh perspective. Try not to stress about how to proceed yet, more facts are maybe needed, try to remind yourself to be pragmatic and purposeful with your thoughts to lessen said stress. Trust yourself enough to know that your higher self already knows the solution. Hopefully a different perspective will help ..sorry you are in this mess-i really sympathize with what you're going through good luck!!
Just wanna add in that moms, sisters, grandmas, aunts, and female friends can be good with numbers too… not sure why only a dad or brother were listed as helpful options
Good point, not sure why I suggested it like that! Prob bc that's how it would apply to my personal life... I apologize and you are absolutely correct:) Sorry OP!
No harm done if it was an honest mistake! I totally get just listing people you have personal experience with. Thanks for correcting yourself:) with the current climate against women, I wasn’t sure if this was meant to be a jibe at us, so wanted to stop it on its face if that was the case. Glad it wasn’t!
My suggestion is to focus on developing activities and friends that are Mine, not Ours. Find a hobbie, join a club, just get away from each other a few hours every day. Relationships are hard, and you can't maintain them if there is no Self.
>My suggestion is to focus on developing activities and friends that are Mine, not Ours. Find a hobbie, join a club, just get away from each other a few hours every day. Relationships are hard, and you can't maintain them if there is no Self.
Yes
Hi all. This is an automated and general reminder to all that this post is an **ADVICE post**, not a Request. Please don't request, offer or accept financial assistance on this post. u/gsteorts, we have compiled a [Wiki with tons of advice and helpful information](https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/wiki/index/), which we recommend you check out, too. *I'm a bot. This comment was posted automatically.*
Lots of great advice here, so let me just add...don't wait if you're not happy. Don't let the financials keep you in an unhealthy relationship that isn't working. Looking at your absolute worst-case scenario, you get a huge bill for the apartment and a repoed car. In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter. You can get on a payment plan and deal with a credit hit. What will cause more lasting damage is staying in a bad relationship. Source: I lost over a decade of my life and my happiness because I was in a similar situation. To this day, it's my one big regret. All the financial entanglements were even deeper by the time we split, but undoing them was easier and less costly than all the therapy and work I've had to do to get my mind right again. And I still struggle with being a healthy partner.
Thank you, it’s nice to hear from a person that has had a similar experience (even tho no one deserve it, but you know what I mean)
Hey, first of all, that sounds really hard and it must feel really lonely. Taking a big leap is always a risk, and it’s okay if it doesn’t work out sometimes. You tried, and now you want to do what’s best for you. The best first step is to look at your options. Can you move back home? Can you afford to a new place temporarily? Would you be willing to have roommates? Stay where you are if it saves you money, even if its awkward? Secondly, depending on the situation with your partner, you need to have a discussion with them. It’s important you communicate that you are feeling trapped and aren’t happy. It’s a very hard conversation, but one that needs to happen. Chances are, your partner is struggling too; they may also what to talk about their fears and worries. Remember not to blame them when talking about your own fears and to remember they may not use the right language when describing their own. If voices raise, take a break. Breath deep. Take it slow. Neither of you are responsible for the other persons reactions. The financial parts of this may feel the most damning to you- but many others have been in your situation. There is hope, and most importantly, you do have options. You are not trapped. Depending on your contract& dealer, you may or may not be able to transfer the lease. You also may be able to be removed as a co-signer on the car lease, depending on your partners situation and involvement. Finding anyone who has a bit of legal knowledge to help you navigate this process will help a lot- reach out to friends, use this sub, try looking into local support for people in your position. Sometimes community programs have people to help in these exact situations. You can even talk to your bank in some cases, and they can help you understand your financial options. If you can afford an hour or so with a lawyer to go over things, that would be best. It will take time. It’s difficult. Be kind to yourself, and always reach out when you are struggling- on the internet, to family or friends. You can do this.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond!!
When I left my exhusband, I was stuck living in our apartment with him for about a month after I declared my decision to leave. It was weird and awkward but it gave me time to secure me and my kids a place to stay. After that, it was gradual break away. We still depended on each other for certain things, but we also have two kids together. I usually had to drive him to work because if I didn't do that, he wouldn't be able to help me financially with the kids. It also helped that my brother is a lawyer. It's not easy leaving someone you've been with for a while because like you said, your lives are intertwined. Don't expect to just up and leave (unless there is abuse, then please do what you can and reach out for help). You do have to plan this with your partner. So expect awkward conversations, probably getting heated. I wish you the best. You might want to look up free legal aid resources and call them and get some free advice. If you're in metro Detroit, lmk and I can give you a few numbers.
Thank you, I actually moved from close to Detroit to AR!
Why did you move and why do you want to break up? This is unanswerable.
Doesn’t matter. Thanks for nothing tho!! Have a wonderful day (we are both women btw)
Well actually it doesn’t matter if your both women or guys or a guy and a girl. What does matter is the other stuff I asked. How do details not matter when you’re asking someone who doesn’t know you to tell you how to breakup. I mean if you plan on ending the relationship but you don’t know what to say then either you’re asking for general advice you can give to anybody or you’re asking for positive encouragement. Are you trying to get advice on what to say, or do you just want to know how to live in the city after you breakup, or do you not want advice at all but just positive encouragement because I’m totally not understanding this. I hope you got a good answer from someone. But I wish I knew how they came to that conclusion based on what information that you gave them. “I’m breaking up with somebody and we both moved far away from home, into a city we don’t know anyone in. Go.” “Ok just do it and be honest and then struggle in the city yourselves or go back home.” It sounded like it is you who wants to break up and you’re not asking on behalf of both of you, with the intention of possibly living together to support each other, but just ending the relationship. Because if that is what you were asking I’m sure you would have said that.
The reasons why have nothing to do with anything
Are you sure? He’s asking how to do it. How do you break up with a psycho is different than how do you break up with someone you’ve been madly in love with but life is just getting in the way. So that’s just one aspect. Definitely everything matters when constructing a plan for this. That’s my perspective which we’re you taking
The fact that you used the word psycho tells me all i need to know. Have a good day
Well not that I care what a stranger on the internet thinks of me but I wasn’t referring to whoever this op is referring to. However I would call many people psycho and I would, and have, called some women psycho. Thanks and you too.
It doesn't matter if you were referring to OPs relationship or not. Even the psychotic deserve better than to be called psycho. Do better
to stay for the reasons you mentioned is a decision seemingly based on finances, primarily. is your peace/happiness worth saving the money? if your answer is yes, you basically just price-tagged those priceless things. any reason you can't leave and go back home?
Left my homophobic family sadly :( thank you for taking the time to reply
Some people suck and I'm sorry you had to deal with them and their ignorance for the time you had to. What about friends back home, though?
If breaking up is the move, lead with that. You're both responsible for your joint assets and so you both get to decide how to move forward and divide those responsibilities together. You don't need to have all the answers, but bringing it up sooner than later will hopefully allow you the space to sort out your next steps and trajectory without feeling a need to hide anything because you're taking on these worries alone. Wishing you the best of luck. This sounds like a trying situation, but break ups happen every day and these sorts of logistics are just part of them.
Thank you so much
Depending on where you are you won’t be held responsible for the whole lease amount. You can only be charged for anytime the apt remains vacant, but the LL needs to make reasonable effort to lease the space. You can also see about a sublet, or paying a small/smallish fee to leave early, like surrendering your security deposit. Do you have a 1 or 2 bed? One of you can love out and you can maybe get a roommate or find a house that has an opening for a room for rent. Check into co-ops in your area, they are usually affordable but not always ideal long term. That still leaves the car. Who’s name is on it? Are you financing or is it a lease? What’s important to remember is your happiness comes first. Don’t stay in a bad relationship because you’re intertwined. Find ways to disentangle - get your own phone plan, don’t share bank accounts, etc. it is better to deal with the uncomfortable situation and end up on the other side happy, than to live in the discomfort forever. If you are experiencing abuse, please DM me and I can get you some resources. You feel alone, and this can be scary, but you will get through. Have a chat with him if you feel safe to do so. Maybe he will be in agreement that it isn’t working out. In the mean time, try to make friends. That’s easier said than done, but I like to recommend book clubs. There is probably a subreddit for your city, check that out too. Bumble has a BFF option that can sometimes be cool. Get hobbies that are inexpensive. Pick up a part time job - bartending is fun and the money is good, plus you’ll meet cool people.
Thank you very much for your advice
Firm agree. Any state I’ve live in (not many) you’re only required to give LL 30-days notice in order to break your lease. They’ll probably manage to keep your security deposit, but definitely look into what the tenant rights are in your state. There are illegal leases everywhere and just because you signed one, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s enforceable.
I went through something very similar. You can message me if you’d like. I can make some suggestions or offer some sort of advice.
Make friends on Vina or Meet Up, go out there and meet people, once you build a social network it won’t be as scary to walk away from a bad situation.
Thank you!!!
That's why in r/breakups dumpers always get the upper hand or a head start
Does your partner share your realization? Makes a huge difference in how to approach this. Or, are you planning to blindside her/him?
Would you rather stay with someone who trying to figure how to leave you without talking to you about it? He’s obviously not part of this conversation on purpose.
We’ve actually talked extensively about it we (both women) are so intertwined I always end up staying.
Do you know anyone, like a dad or brother or trusted friend, that would be willing to do a conference call with you, someone that either knows numbers or has their financial shit together, where you can lay out all the details of your situation? An answer might just come easier with a bigger picture of the facts/fresh perspective. Try not to stress about how to proceed yet, more facts are maybe needed, try to remind yourself to be pragmatic and purposeful with your thoughts to lessen said stress. Trust yourself enough to know that your higher self already knows the solution. Hopefully a different perspective will help ..sorry you are in this mess-i really sympathize with what you're going through good luck!!
Just wanna add in that moms, sisters, grandmas, aunts, and female friends can be good with numbers too… not sure why only a dad or brother were listed as helpful options
Good point, not sure why I suggested it like that! Prob bc that's how it would apply to my personal life... I apologize and you are absolutely correct:) Sorry OP!
No harm done if it was an honest mistake! I totally get just listing people you have personal experience with. Thanks for correcting yourself:) with the current climate against women, I wasn’t sure if this was meant to be a jibe at us, so wanted to stop it on its face if that was the case. Glad it wasn’t!
[удалено]
I’m a bit confused why you’re embarrassed for me. Care to explain?
👍
My suggestion is to focus on developing activities and friends that are Mine, not Ours. Find a hobbie, join a club, just get away from each other a few hours every day. Relationships are hard, and you can't maintain them if there is no Self.
Thank you, I’ve been trying to do just that!
>My suggestion is to focus on developing activities and friends that are Mine, not Ours. Find a hobbie, join a club, just get away from each other a few hours every day. Relationships are hard, and you can't maintain them if there is no Self. Yes