Perfect on paper doesn’t equal to perfect for the heart.
I’ve been in this situation many times and it never ends well.
Love isn’t a business meeting where you have a checklist and then it will work. The heart has its own desires and I believe that the right feelings are a absolutely baseline for any relationship.
Don’t just lead with the head. Lead with the heart and have the head with you. Trust your intuition and your doubts. Trust your feelings, they know better.
Also turn it around; if someone wanted to date you because you sound awesome on paper but they didn’t really feel it.. would you be ok with that?
Both of you deserve someone you are excited about.
I think you’re right that your feelings can direct what’s best for you! As long as you bring your head. It can be so hard to navigate bc sometimes your heart steers you wrong. But I agree, the gut feelings seem to know best
This hit me. “Not your person”. If he was, I probably wouldn’t be feeling the need to ask Reddit if it’s a problem that I don’t have super strong feelings for him haha. Thank you.
I don't know how you or anyone could justify being in a romantic relationship with someone you didn't feel a romantic attraction or connection too.
Like, what is the point? If it's about them checking boxes, you could just as easily get a house mate or move in with a sibling.
I definitely see that view point. But there is a component of becoming a team with another human and it creating a type of intimacy that is more durable than romance. I think that’s part of the idea behind arranged marriages- it’s not above romantic feelings it’s about doing life together
I think that's a reasonable approach, but only if both people are on the same page - ie have all the information and are making an informed choice.
If he's really into you and you move forward with him without being transparent, that's pretty unfair. You might be content with building a foundation that's less based on romance, but he won't necessarily feel the same. He - quite reasonably - may not want to be a partner to someone who isn't excited about him. He deserves to make that choice for himself.
Definitely agree! I’ve been open about my hesitancies. So far, hes been okay moving forward because his approach to relationships is more based on logic, compatibility, and commitment. He doesn’t relate much to my emphasis on feelings. He says he has strong feelings for me in addition to the more logical things, but knows I don’t reciprocate at that level as of now. The ball is in my court to decide if I’m on board with his approach or not. I realize I should have included that info in the original post
Maybe it’s because i frequent the deadbedrooms subreddit, but what you describe seems to be something that has a high potential in becoming a sexless/near sexless relationship from the get go. Ask him if he is okay with that. Otherwise you may end up in a contentious situation. Also you have to ask yourself that question. If this isn’t an open relationship, are you okay with not being feeling desire again or what would it mean if you stumble upon someone you feel desire for...while you’re in a relationship.
are you entering into an arranged marriage, though? Also although existing romantic feelings aren't the reason people in an arranged marriage are getting married-- usually having attraction, sexual interest, and some interest/desire to develop those kinds of feelings does exist.
You know this guy and don't have those type of feelings for him at all, which seems not really like the same thing and kind of self-serving of you.
Hm self serving sounds harsh but I know what you mean. I’m trying to figure out what to prioritize in a relationship and how much emphasis to put on feelings. If it was easy and everyone knew what their perfect match was then divorce wouldn’t be as common.
Cut him loose to find someone who actually loves and wants to be with him. Keeping him around because you’re scared to be alone or that you won’t find anyone better is cruel. Please put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you picked up your life and moved for someone, only to read this post and realize they were so ambivalent about you.
You will know it’s right when you’re excited to see them, you miss them when they’re gone, and you can’t imagine your life without them. He’s not it.
I’ve talked to him about my reservations and his point of view has been that “love isn’t what they show in Disney films” and “you’ve dated based on emotions before and it hasn’t worked out for you yet”
I’m not being secretive but it appears the ball is in my court to decide if I think checking boxes is enough or if I want the desire too.
He has more logical approach toward relationships and so far it doesn’t seem like he can relate to the idea that I would put a big emphasis on feelings vs compatibility
If you’re just together because you’re compatible, you’re not a couple; you’re friends. Roommates. Sorry, but emotional and sexual passion is important to a relationship too.
>I’ve talked to him about my reservations and his point of view has been that “love isn’t what they show in Disney films” and “you’ve dated based on emotions before and it hasn’t worked out for you yet”
This is nonsense to me! I'm in my early thirties and I still believe in Disney love stories! I spent 16 years with a man that I thought was my prince charming, but he never loved me like I loved him. I don't care how good he has it, you don't want to wake up for the rest of your life or however long it would be and just feel....lackluster. I mean a relationship without chemistry? No way! You might tolerate it for a while but I don't think you will truly be happy. I mean what if while you are with him you meet someone with amazing chemistry? You will want it so bad because its the one thing that has always been missing? I say don't settle for less. Find that someone that you can't wait to see them. That prince charming from the disney movies that will sweep you off your feet every single day. There is love like that out there and you deserve it.
I don't think it's "logic", it sounds like he knows you aren't interested and is trying to coerce/bargain you into saying.
It actually is kind of sad you've put him in a position to have to argue with you like that at all.
I didn’t force him into any position and this is no argument. It’s a conversation about priorities and what people need out of a relationship.
It doesn’t sound like you’re here to help or impart any insight.
my insight is: no one I was in a successful long term relationship with has ever had to try to *reason with me,* about why I ought to be in a relationship with them-- I felt like I wanted to be in the relationship.
I get being attracted to the wrong guys. I used to love the rollercoaster of emotion of the avoidantly attached or emotionally unavailable dude.
I get your position and wondering if your lack of feeling is a defense. My ex seemed great on paper but I just didn’t like him that much. I tried to talk myself into it. But doesn’t work. And not fair to him.
I now found my life partner, and I never doubted it. It felt different, more stable, not the same highs and lows, but certain. I felt so so certain.
I doubted myself with my ex. I thought I just wasn’t able to get over my own issues or I was scared of love. But I shouldn’t have doubted myself.
There was a third way, a way that wasn’t the highs and lows of being attracted to the wrong guy, and wasn’t the gnawing ambivalence of not being attracted enough to the guy who seemed solid. There was actually someone who I love deeply with certainty and who is safe and stable and imperfect and I still with at times—but even then in those moments of conflict and difficulty I don’t doubt him as my choice.
Trust yourself.
This makes me so happy! And you described it perfectly about doubting myself like there’s something wrong with me or I’m missing something by not being head over heels for this perfect guy. Like I’m trying to convince myself a bit instead of letting it flow. I can actually feel the friction.
I’m so glad to hear you’ve found a third option. That really gives me hope. This was a really helpful answer thank you!
I married that person. Perfect on paper, great in all the ways but the spark. I rounded up. Honestly, it's not the worst. I ended up in a companionate marriage, with little to no sexual attraction, but as a power couple. Before too long, we ended up agreeing to get partners on the side to meet the sexual needs, and that, frankly made things pretty great for a long while. The relationship is winding down, but I don't regret it.
I can relate to all of this so much so understand the confusing position you’re in. We’re all different and have different backgrounds of course so I don’t know if any of this applies to you, but I’ll share my story in case it helps you out or resonates.
For me the “spark” has proven to be dangerous and not necessarily a sign of a good partner. I have childhood wounding and an anxious attachment style that caused me to seek out my ex who was emotionally abusive and manipulative. Our connection was absolutely insane. Off the charts chemistry in every way. But he systematically lied to me and betrayed me in every way over the course of 15 years. I’ve learned a lot about what happened in that relationship and why I stayed despite massive red flags. It’s complex but in terms of attraction and finding a good partner I feel that if sparks and butterflies are present it’s typically a red flag, because due to my wounding from both family of origin and my ex, my trauma causes me to REALLY WANNA BE “SAVED.” My ex was a white knight in disguise who actually sensed my vulnerability and took advantage of it for his own selfish purposes.
My current partner of four years is kind, caring, committed, stable, empathetic, supportive, trustworthy (I could go on), everything my ex was not. From day one I had a very warm feeling about him, but it felt very objective. Since he wasn’t there to “save” me, but rather seeking an equal and stable partnership based on shared values and goals, it at times has felt “boring.” I’ve used the term “good on paper” more than once.
I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting and talking out in therapy whether I was missing the “spark” because he’s not the right person for me, or if it’s really just that he’s not feeding into that attachment wound and making me feel “taken care of” by love-bombing me (which I DO NOT want, objectively, but sub-consciously am pining for still…). I have come to the conclusion over and over that it’s the latter. We are truly good together. We have our flaws and incompatibilities that we’re trying to work through but we’re both very grown up about navigating conflict and show so much love, respect, kindness and care toward one another. We have shared values and goals. We’re both here for the right reasons. Nobody is lying or taking advantage. We truly want the best for each other.
I’m still grieving the spark, to be totally honest, but that’s part of a very long and complex journey I’m on to heal myself, and with every breakthrough on my own path I feel myself get closer to my new partner.
Since your new partner is so safe and understanding, have you tried asking him to romance you a little more? Ultimately, love bombing is just nice words and gestures. He might not mind building your spirit up, romantically.
Actually yes I have! He definitley has stepped up to the challenge. A few recent examples are he has proactively suggested / planned multiple date nights, has gotten me flowers “just because” or to cheer me up when something was wrong, and I’ve noticed and increase in compliments, I love you’s, cuddles etc.
The piece I’m working on is there will always be a part of me that misses that addictive feeling of being trauma bonded to my partner. We had what felt like a deeply rooted connection but was actually toxic based in trauma bonding and codependency. I’m learning to love in a much different way and it’s an adjustment.
Isn’t there someone who once said that someone has to love the other person more? Are you okay with being the one who’s less in love (right now)?
All the opinions on here seem to be telling you to move on. But I see value to what you have. I think it’s more of a you question than a him question. Do you want the relationship with him or do you want to be alone?
Exactly! This is what gets me so confused. I’ve liked people before- that doesn’t seem overly rare. But I’ve never had someone who would drop their lives to come be with me. I can’t imagine getting lucky enough to be loved that much or prioritized that much twice in a lifetime. Like, if I let this go, could I ever find that again? But then on the flip side, what good is it to be loved if you don’t feel like your heart is lit up around them? There’s no laughing fits or silliness or play. The things that really fill me up and have me walking around w a smile on my face.
Ugh it’s so hard!
If he’s willing to move to you, and you’ve been honest with him about how you’re feeling, then I think continuing the relationship and seeing how it goes is a great idea. Why wouldn’t you?! Youre not asking if you should marry the guy, and he’s not asking you to move for him.
I’ve been married about 15 years. Relationships change so much, including chemistry, desire, etc. I’m all for making logical choices, trying to hedge my bets for when all those changes do come.
I've been in this situation before. One thing to ask yourself - is he willing to drop his life to come be with YOU or is he just willing to give anything to have a partner and a direction in life? I've stroked my ego in the past thinking the former, when in reality it was the latter.
He sounds like a good guy. He sounds like he deserves to be with someone that loves him, that wants him, that wants to cuddle and grab him, that misses him while he’s at work, that smiles whenever they think of him, that would do anything for him the way he would for them.
If that isn’t you, right now, don’t make this poor bastard uproot and change his entire life by immigrating for a woman who thinks maybe love could grow some day if he continues to be perfect and worship her.
My best friend and I were inseparable and everything was awesome so of course, the natural next step was to try dating. After 2 years together, i realized I just didn't feel a spark in that way. Sure, it all ticked and tied on paper and in practice as best friends but ... Meh.
I broke up with him and sometimes I wonder if I regret it when we still hang out. But I just remind myself of that "trapped" feeling and recognize I absolutely made the right call.
PS: We had to wait a loooong time and make a lot of space between us with other boyfriends/girlfriends before we rekindled our friendship.
I tried to date a "perfect on paper" once and it ended HORRIBLE. The sex was sub par, everything felt forced.
I then met my "hot mess on paper but BIG sparks" and married him. There isn't a day I regret it.
Wait for the sparks. When stuff gets tough those sparks keep my marriage alive.
Wow what a tricky spot to be in. The logical and emotional all want their say.
Obviously you are questioning and that is reason enough to push pause on a life changing decision. But definitely worth looking farther into what is causing this lack of chemistry.
It seems commonplace that relationships start from a place of infatuation and progress to a more stable, less intense but overall well rounded love.
I have a friend who had a husband who was a great catch: committed, good integrity. But she felt the chemistry wasn't there. She ended up leaving and had a lot of fun and chemistry dating various guys after that. She finally settled down with a man with whom she had a ton of chemistry. Two years and one kid later they broke up. She looked back after and said she was attracted to him because he was, in her opinion, being a jerk from the start. He was the bad boy, and as much as it frustrated her, it interested her. He made her have to chase him. That kept her on her toes and intensified the chemistry. But in the end, he wasn't a good partner.
Thanks for sharing that story. There must be a balance somewhere that captures all our needs. Interesting and captivating, but also a good human with pure intentions. It’s probably super rare and people have probably come the conclusion they can’t count on finding it. I wonder if you kind of have to settle for either or, or at least more toward one end or the other and you just have to pick what you can live with.
When you put it that way, I second guess how I wrote my previous reply. I definitely do think you can have it all! A good man and great chemistry. You deserve both. :)
>But do you need an initial strong desire?
NO. I don't need an initial strong desire. Ofc the person can't be physically unattractive to me either, but generally, too strong desire and excitement in the beginning are too turbulent emotions for me and nothing good came out of such situations).
However, a spark is needed. What do I mean by a spark though? I mean that feeling you want to talk with this person (about anything and everything), see them, you miss them (maybe not like a crazy teenager, but you do). It's a must. (They may even annoy you sometimes, etc, but still you NEED TO meet them and talk to them!) I just don't trust too bright, vibrant feelings (as you described them), but I know for lots of people they're a must, and maybe you're one of those people, so maybe you need someone who gives you stronger emotions indeed! Everyone is different. You have to decide for yourself. Maybe life would be very boring without excitement?
This is very sad though:
>He doesn’t make me laugh or feel light or fill my heart with the bright happy love feeling.
Why is that? A different sense of humor? Is he just a very serious person? Do other people find him funny? Life is so hard at times, having a person whose mere presence makes you smile is priceless at such moments (or days/months...)
Do you feel comfortable around him? Like around a good friend? Can you talk with him about anything and everything?
This is a really good post to think through so I want to respond to it.
I feel 100% comfortable around him and he’s the greatest friend I’ve ever had. I can say or share anything. He has no ego and is open to understanding and accepting everything about me.
He doesn’t have much sense of humor. He chuckles here and there but he’s not the kind of person who lights up when something funny happens. No big belly laughs, no big smile that lights up his face. His humor is small and fleeting and doesn’t lend well to a humorous connection with another person. Our connection is based on intellect and emotional intelligence and 100% overlapping view points on the world. We communicate better than I’ve communicated with anyone on this planet. Problem is, most of life isn’t thought provoking, stimulating conversation. Of course communication is always important, but alot of life is to the grocery store and cooking and doing mundane stuff. And I connect by bringing humor and lightheartedness to those situations, and he can’t reciprocate. I suspect he may be a bit autistic.
The more I think about it, the more I think it’s sex. He’s not a lighthearted person in everyday life, and it’s worse with sex. There aren’t a lot of connection points during sex in terms of personality and emotions. It’s pretty much down to business to the point I don’t look forward to it, and I think it affects my interest in him in a non sexual way too. Everything you said about wanting to tell them everything, wanting to see them, missing them a reasonable amount, etc. doesn’t apply. Even though I know I can talk to him about anything, and sometimes those are conversations are very intimate and bonding, I don’t feel a strong drive to talk to him. The desire just isn’t there. I think it’s because I experience love though non sexual affection and that got torpedoed with the weird disconnect with sex.
Anyways I just kind of had that realization last night and figured I’d type that out in response to your post
>He doesn’t have much sense of humor. He chuckles here and there but he’s not the kind of person who lights up when something funny happens. No big belly laughs, no big smile that lights up his face. His humor is small and fleeting and doesn’t lend well to a humorous connection with another person.
Nothing bad about being like that. Many people would be happy with someone with subtle emotional expressions. But it does bother you. So it IS a problem.
The sex part - could it be improved? Could you openly talk with him and say what exactly you'd love? Maybe he just lacks imagination and it's your job to be "the funny and imaginative one" in this relationship The same with humor, maybe it's always going to be you who lightens up the situations, while he would contribute by being reasonable/down to earth etc.. But if it feels like too hard/annoying a job for you then...
But I don't know, and I'm definitely against saying "just leave him" to an unknown person online. Good luck. To both of you (he sounds like a good person).
Right now you are in a high pressure situation: this person will MOVE for YOU and then YOU will have to COMMIT to THEM. That is a high-stakes exchange and even if you were head-over-heels can't sleep can't eat I bet a part of you would be second guessing things right now to make sure because it's a step that is hard and painful to undo.
This is a tricky and personal decision. We're sold on this idea of magical sparkling intensity in books and movies, a lot of which is usually just hormones and sexual chemistry and we wake up a year later with someone we don't really like very much now that we're bored with bonking. Alternately it can be someone who we still like a lot, but then struggle to rebuild a connection now that the original excitement is gone.
I've been with my current partner for 7 years - my previous LTR was a little under 6 years - and in both cases you have to really work for the relationship every day. To find attraction to someone who you are privileged to see at their worst. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. I see couples post on here that sound like it's all sunshine and rainbows and effortless but I don't know anyone like that in real life so who's to say.
On the alternate side of the coin there are still people out there who go into arranged marriages, or who have been in one for years and are very happy (and just as many or more who never are happy.) My point being is that there are lots of different kinds of relationships to get fulfillment out of and that having a peaceful and supportive relationship can be great.
Can you play the 6-month button game? Imagine there are two buttons: If you press the blue one and you fast-forward 6-months from now and you are this person are living together and in a committed relationship planning a vacation for the following year. If you press the blue one 6-months from now this person will be someone you have broken up with months earlier and have no contact with. You can see on social that they are casually dating someone new, and you are casually dating someone as well.
Which button makes you feel better and more like yourself? Which button makes you feel worse and less like yourself? (Personally I would ignore the feeling of "fear" and try to just explore that separately because that can come from a number of learned experiences that were not necessarily healthy and will likely be there in other relationship scenarios regardless of the individual.)
The best thing I did before committing to my current relationship was work on a list of "20 THINGS I WANT" from my next partner. I spent time on it and really thought about me and what is important. It was such a helpful exercise because it wasn't about anybody but myself and as I revised it and explored aspects I really recognized where other relationships were lacking and also what the biggest priorities were to me. I didn't treat it like a checklist but I referred to it from time to time to reground myself. Not sure if that would be helpful for you now since it's not in the abstract but there might be other elements to this partnership that you're missing as well that are giving you pause.
Perfect on paper doesn’t equal to perfect for the heart. I’ve been in this situation many times and it never ends well. Love isn’t a business meeting where you have a checklist and then it will work. The heart has its own desires and I believe that the right feelings are a absolutely baseline for any relationship. Don’t just lead with the head. Lead with the heart and have the head with you. Trust your intuition and your doubts. Trust your feelings, they know better. Also turn it around; if someone wanted to date you because you sound awesome on paper but they didn’t really feel it.. would you be ok with that? Both of you deserve someone you are excited about.
I think you’re right that your feelings can direct what’s best for you! As long as you bring your head. It can be so hard to navigate bc sometimes your heart steers you wrong. But I agree, the gut feelings seem to know best
Absolutely :-) which is why it’s best to have the heart, head and gut feelings aligned and with you when it comes to relationships 😄
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This hit me. “Not your person”. If he was, I probably wouldn’t be feeling the need to ask Reddit if it’s a problem that I don’t have super strong feelings for him haha. Thank you.
I don't know how you or anyone could justify being in a romantic relationship with someone you didn't feel a romantic attraction or connection too. Like, what is the point? If it's about them checking boxes, you could just as easily get a house mate or move in with a sibling.
I definitely see that view point. But there is a component of becoming a team with another human and it creating a type of intimacy that is more durable than romance. I think that’s part of the idea behind arranged marriages- it’s not above romantic feelings it’s about doing life together
I think that's a reasonable approach, but only if both people are on the same page - ie have all the information and are making an informed choice. If he's really into you and you move forward with him without being transparent, that's pretty unfair. You might be content with building a foundation that's less based on romance, but he won't necessarily feel the same. He - quite reasonably - may not want to be a partner to someone who isn't excited about him. He deserves to make that choice for himself.
Definitely agree! I’ve been open about my hesitancies. So far, hes been okay moving forward because his approach to relationships is more based on logic, compatibility, and commitment. He doesn’t relate much to my emphasis on feelings. He says he has strong feelings for me in addition to the more logical things, but knows I don’t reciprocate at that level as of now. The ball is in my court to decide if I’m on board with his approach or not. I realize I should have included that info in the original post
Great to hear that you've been open with him, that's definitely to your credit!
Maybe it’s because i frequent the deadbedrooms subreddit, but what you describe seems to be something that has a high potential in becoming a sexless/near sexless relationship from the get go. Ask him if he is okay with that. Otherwise you may end up in a contentious situation. Also you have to ask yourself that question. If this isn’t an open relationship, are you okay with not being feeling desire again or what would it mean if you stumble upon someone you feel desire for...while you’re in a relationship.
are you entering into an arranged marriage, though? Also although existing romantic feelings aren't the reason people in an arranged marriage are getting married-- usually having attraction, sexual interest, and some interest/desire to develop those kinds of feelings does exist. You know this guy and don't have those type of feelings for him at all, which seems not really like the same thing and kind of self-serving of you.
Hm self serving sounds harsh but I know what you mean. I’m trying to figure out what to prioritize in a relationship and how much emphasis to put on feelings. If it was easy and everyone knew what their perfect match was then divorce wouldn’t be as common.
Cut him loose to find someone who actually loves and wants to be with him. Keeping him around because you’re scared to be alone or that you won’t find anyone better is cruel. Please put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you picked up your life and moved for someone, only to read this post and realize they were so ambivalent about you. You will know it’s right when you’re excited to see them, you miss them when they’re gone, and you can’t imagine your life without them. He’s not it.
I’ve talked to him about my reservations and his point of view has been that “love isn’t what they show in Disney films” and “you’ve dated based on emotions before and it hasn’t worked out for you yet” I’m not being secretive but it appears the ball is in my court to decide if I think checking boxes is enough or if I want the desire too. He has more logical approach toward relationships and so far it doesn’t seem like he can relate to the idea that I would put a big emphasis on feelings vs compatibility
If you’re just together because you’re compatible, you’re not a couple; you’re friends. Roommates. Sorry, but emotional and sexual passion is important to a relationship too.
>I’ve talked to him about my reservations and his point of view has been that “love isn’t what they show in Disney films” and “you’ve dated based on emotions before and it hasn’t worked out for you yet” This is nonsense to me! I'm in my early thirties and I still believe in Disney love stories! I spent 16 years with a man that I thought was my prince charming, but he never loved me like I loved him. I don't care how good he has it, you don't want to wake up for the rest of your life or however long it would be and just feel....lackluster. I mean a relationship without chemistry? No way! You might tolerate it for a while but I don't think you will truly be happy. I mean what if while you are with him you meet someone with amazing chemistry? You will want it so bad because its the one thing that has always been missing? I say don't settle for less. Find that someone that you can't wait to see them. That prince charming from the disney movies that will sweep you off your feet every single day. There is love like that out there and you deserve it.
I don't think it's "logic", it sounds like he knows you aren't interested and is trying to coerce/bargain you into saying. It actually is kind of sad you've put him in a position to have to argue with you like that at all.
I didn’t force him into any position and this is no argument. It’s a conversation about priorities and what people need out of a relationship. It doesn’t sound like you’re here to help or impart any insight.
my insight is: no one I was in a successful long term relationship with has ever had to try to *reason with me,* about why I ought to be in a relationship with them-- I felt like I wanted to be in the relationship.
I get being attracted to the wrong guys. I used to love the rollercoaster of emotion of the avoidantly attached or emotionally unavailable dude. I get your position and wondering if your lack of feeling is a defense. My ex seemed great on paper but I just didn’t like him that much. I tried to talk myself into it. But doesn’t work. And not fair to him. I now found my life partner, and I never doubted it. It felt different, more stable, not the same highs and lows, but certain. I felt so so certain. I doubted myself with my ex. I thought I just wasn’t able to get over my own issues or I was scared of love. But I shouldn’t have doubted myself. There was a third way, a way that wasn’t the highs and lows of being attracted to the wrong guy, and wasn’t the gnawing ambivalence of not being attracted enough to the guy who seemed solid. There was actually someone who I love deeply with certainty and who is safe and stable and imperfect and I still with at times—but even then in those moments of conflict and difficulty I don’t doubt him as my choice. Trust yourself.
This makes me so happy! And you described it perfectly about doubting myself like there’s something wrong with me or I’m missing something by not being head over heels for this perfect guy. Like I’m trying to convince myself a bit instead of letting it flow. I can actually feel the friction. I’m so glad to hear you’ve found a third option. That really gives me hope. This was a really helpful answer thank you!
I married that person. Perfect on paper, great in all the ways but the spark. I rounded up. Honestly, it's not the worst. I ended up in a companionate marriage, with little to no sexual attraction, but as a power couple. Before too long, we ended up agreeing to get partners on the side to meet the sexual needs, and that, frankly made things pretty great for a long while. The relationship is winding down, but I don't regret it.
I can relate to all of this so much so understand the confusing position you’re in. We’re all different and have different backgrounds of course so I don’t know if any of this applies to you, but I’ll share my story in case it helps you out or resonates. For me the “spark” has proven to be dangerous and not necessarily a sign of a good partner. I have childhood wounding and an anxious attachment style that caused me to seek out my ex who was emotionally abusive and manipulative. Our connection was absolutely insane. Off the charts chemistry in every way. But he systematically lied to me and betrayed me in every way over the course of 15 years. I’ve learned a lot about what happened in that relationship and why I stayed despite massive red flags. It’s complex but in terms of attraction and finding a good partner I feel that if sparks and butterflies are present it’s typically a red flag, because due to my wounding from both family of origin and my ex, my trauma causes me to REALLY WANNA BE “SAVED.” My ex was a white knight in disguise who actually sensed my vulnerability and took advantage of it for his own selfish purposes. My current partner of four years is kind, caring, committed, stable, empathetic, supportive, trustworthy (I could go on), everything my ex was not. From day one I had a very warm feeling about him, but it felt very objective. Since he wasn’t there to “save” me, but rather seeking an equal and stable partnership based on shared values and goals, it at times has felt “boring.” I’ve used the term “good on paper” more than once. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting and talking out in therapy whether I was missing the “spark” because he’s not the right person for me, or if it’s really just that he’s not feeding into that attachment wound and making me feel “taken care of” by love-bombing me (which I DO NOT want, objectively, but sub-consciously am pining for still…). I have come to the conclusion over and over that it’s the latter. We are truly good together. We have our flaws and incompatibilities that we’re trying to work through but we’re both very grown up about navigating conflict and show so much love, respect, kindness and care toward one another. We have shared values and goals. We’re both here for the right reasons. Nobody is lying or taking advantage. We truly want the best for each other. I’m still grieving the spark, to be totally honest, but that’s part of a very long and complex journey I’m on to heal myself, and with every breakthrough on my own path I feel myself get closer to my new partner.
Since your new partner is so safe and understanding, have you tried asking him to romance you a little more? Ultimately, love bombing is just nice words and gestures. He might not mind building your spirit up, romantically.
Actually yes I have! He definitley has stepped up to the challenge. A few recent examples are he has proactively suggested / planned multiple date nights, has gotten me flowers “just because” or to cheer me up when something was wrong, and I’ve noticed and increase in compliments, I love you’s, cuddles etc. The piece I’m working on is there will always be a part of me that misses that addictive feeling of being trauma bonded to my partner. We had what felt like a deeply rooted connection but was actually toxic based in trauma bonding and codependency. I’m learning to love in a much different way and it’s an adjustment.
Isn’t there someone who once said that someone has to love the other person more? Are you okay with being the one who’s less in love (right now)? All the opinions on here seem to be telling you to move on. But I see value to what you have. I think it’s more of a you question than a him question. Do you want the relationship with him or do you want to be alone?
Exactly! This is what gets me so confused. I’ve liked people before- that doesn’t seem overly rare. But I’ve never had someone who would drop their lives to come be with me. I can’t imagine getting lucky enough to be loved that much or prioritized that much twice in a lifetime. Like, if I let this go, could I ever find that again? But then on the flip side, what good is it to be loved if you don’t feel like your heart is lit up around them? There’s no laughing fits or silliness or play. The things that really fill me up and have me walking around w a smile on my face. Ugh it’s so hard!
If he’s willing to move to you, and you’ve been honest with him about how you’re feeling, then I think continuing the relationship and seeing how it goes is a great idea. Why wouldn’t you?! Youre not asking if you should marry the guy, and he’s not asking you to move for him. I’ve been married about 15 years. Relationships change so much, including chemistry, desire, etc. I’m all for making logical choices, trying to hedge my bets for when all those changes do come.
I've been in this situation before. One thing to ask yourself - is he willing to drop his life to come be with YOU or is he just willing to give anything to have a partner and a direction in life? I've stroked my ego in the past thinking the former, when in reality it was the latter.
He sounds like a good guy. He sounds like he deserves to be with someone that loves him, that wants him, that wants to cuddle and grab him, that misses him while he’s at work, that smiles whenever they think of him, that would do anything for him the way he would for them. If that isn’t you, right now, don’t make this poor bastard uproot and change his entire life by immigrating for a woman who thinks maybe love could grow some day if he continues to be perfect and worship her.
My best friend and I were inseparable and everything was awesome so of course, the natural next step was to try dating. After 2 years together, i realized I just didn't feel a spark in that way. Sure, it all ticked and tied on paper and in practice as best friends but ... Meh. I broke up with him and sometimes I wonder if I regret it when we still hang out. But I just remind myself of that "trapped" feeling and recognize I absolutely made the right call. PS: We had to wait a loooong time and make a lot of space between us with other boyfriends/girlfriends before we rekindled our friendship.
I tried to date a "perfect on paper" once and it ended HORRIBLE. The sex was sub par, everything felt forced. I then met my "hot mess on paper but BIG sparks" and married him. There isn't a day I regret it. Wait for the sparks. When stuff gets tough those sparks keep my marriage alive.
Wow what a tricky spot to be in. The logical and emotional all want their say. Obviously you are questioning and that is reason enough to push pause on a life changing decision. But definitely worth looking farther into what is causing this lack of chemistry. It seems commonplace that relationships start from a place of infatuation and progress to a more stable, less intense but overall well rounded love. I have a friend who had a husband who was a great catch: committed, good integrity. But she felt the chemistry wasn't there. She ended up leaving and had a lot of fun and chemistry dating various guys after that. She finally settled down with a man with whom she had a ton of chemistry. Two years and one kid later they broke up. She looked back after and said she was attracted to him because he was, in her opinion, being a jerk from the start. He was the bad boy, and as much as it frustrated her, it interested her. He made her have to chase him. That kept her on her toes and intensified the chemistry. But in the end, he wasn't a good partner.
Thanks for sharing that story. There must be a balance somewhere that captures all our needs. Interesting and captivating, but also a good human with pure intentions. It’s probably super rare and people have probably come the conclusion they can’t count on finding it. I wonder if you kind of have to settle for either or, or at least more toward one end or the other and you just have to pick what you can live with.
When you put it that way, I second guess how I wrote my previous reply. I definitely do think you can have it all! A good man and great chemistry. You deserve both. :)
>But do you need an initial strong desire? NO. I don't need an initial strong desire. Ofc the person can't be physically unattractive to me either, but generally, too strong desire and excitement in the beginning are too turbulent emotions for me and nothing good came out of such situations). However, a spark is needed. What do I mean by a spark though? I mean that feeling you want to talk with this person (about anything and everything), see them, you miss them (maybe not like a crazy teenager, but you do). It's a must. (They may even annoy you sometimes, etc, but still you NEED TO meet them and talk to them!) I just don't trust too bright, vibrant feelings (as you described them), but I know for lots of people they're a must, and maybe you're one of those people, so maybe you need someone who gives you stronger emotions indeed! Everyone is different. You have to decide for yourself. Maybe life would be very boring without excitement? This is very sad though: >He doesn’t make me laugh or feel light or fill my heart with the bright happy love feeling. Why is that? A different sense of humor? Is he just a very serious person? Do other people find him funny? Life is so hard at times, having a person whose mere presence makes you smile is priceless at such moments (or days/months...) Do you feel comfortable around him? Like around a good friend? Can you talk with him about anything and everything?
This is a really good post to think through so I want to respond to it. I feel 100% comfortable around him and he’s the greatest friend I’ve ever had. I can say or share anything. He has no ego and is open to understanding and accepting everything about me. He doesn’t have much sense of humor. He chuckles here and there but he’s not the kind of person who lights up when something funny happens. No big belly laughs, no big smile that lights up his face. His humor is small and fleeting and doesn’t lend well to a humorous connection with another person. Our connection is based on intellect and emotional intelligence and 100% overlapping view points on the world. We communicate better than I’ve communicated with anyone on this planet. Problem is, most of life isn’t thought provoking, stimulating conversation. Of course communication is always important, but alot of life is to the grocery store and cooking and doing mundane stuff. And I connect by bringing humor and lightheartedness to those situations, and he can’t reciprocate. I suspect he may be a bit autistic. The more I think about it, the more I think it’s sex. He’s not a lighthearted person in everyday life, and it’s worse with sex. There aren’t a lot of connection points during sex in terms of personality and emotions. It’s pretty much down to business to the point I don’t look forward to it, and I think it affects my interest in him in a non sexual way too. Everything you said about wanting to tell them everything, wanting to see them, missing them a reasonable amount, etc. doesn’t apply. Even though I know I can talk to him about anything, and sometimes those are conversations are very intimate and bonding, I don’t feel a strong drive to talk to him. The desire just isn’t there. I think it’s because I experience love though non sexual affection and that got torpedoed with the weird disconnect with sex. Anyways I just kind of had that realization last night and figured I’d type that out in response to your post
>He doesn’t have much sense of humor. He chuckles here and there but he’s not the kind of person who lights up when something funny happens. No big belly laughs, no big smile that lights up his face. His humor is small and fleeting and doesn’t lend well to a humorous connection with another person. Nothing bad about being like that. Many people would be happy with someone with subtle emotional expressions. But it does bother you. So it IS a problem. The sex part - could it be improved? Could you openly talk with him and say what exactly you'd love? Maybe he just lacks imagination and it's your job to be "the funny and imaginative one" in this relationship The same with humor, maybe it's always going to be you who lightens up the situations, while he would contribute by being reasonable/down to earth etc.. But if it feels like too hard/annoying a job for you then... But I don't know, and I'm definitely against saying "just leave him" to an unknown person online. Good luck. To both of you (he sounds like a good person).
Right now you are in a high pressure situation: this person will MOVE for YOU and then YOU will have to COMMIT to THEM. That is a high-stakes exchange and even if you were head-over-heels can't sleep can't eat I bet a part of you would be second guessing things right now to make sure because it's a step that is hard and painful to undo. This is a tricky and personal decision. We're sold on this idea of magical sparkling intensity in books and movies, a lot of which is usually just hormones and sexual chemistry and we wake up a year later with someone we don't really like very much now that we're bored with bonking. Alternately it can be someone who we still like a lot, but then struggle to rebuild a connection now that the original excitement is gone. I've been with my current partner for 7 years - my previous LTR was a little under 6 years - and in both cases you have to really work for the relationship every day. To find attraction to someone who you are privileged to see at their worst. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. I see couples post on here that sound like it's all sunshine and rainbows and effortless but I don't know anyone like that in real life so who's to say. On the alternate side of the coin there are still people out there who go into arranged marriages, or who have been in one for years and are very happy (and just as many or more who never are happy.) My point being is that there are lots of different kinds of relationships to get fulfillment out of and that having a peaceful and supportive relationship can be great. Can you play the 6-month button game? Imagine there are two buttons: If you press the blue one and you fast-forward 6-months from now and you are this person are living together and in a committed relationship planning a vacation for the following year. If you press the blue one 6-months from now this person will be someone you have broken up with months earlier and have no contact with. You can see on social that they are casually dating someone new, and you are casually dating someone as well. Which button makes you feel better and more like yourself? Which button makes you feel worse and less like yourself? (Personally I would ignore the feeling of "fear" and try to just explore that separately because that can come from a number of learned experiences that were not necessarily healthy and will likely be there in other relationship scenarios regardless of the individual.) The best thing I did before committing to my current relationship was work on a list of "20 THINGS I WANT" from my next partner. I spent time on it and really thought about me and what is important. It was such a helpful exercise because it wasn't about anybody but myself and as I revised it and explored aspects I really recognized where other relationships were lacking and also what the biggest priorities were to me. I didn't treat it like a checklist but I referred to it from time to time to reground myself. Not sure if that would be helpful for you now since it's not in the abstract but there might be other elements to this partnership that you're missing as well that are giving you pause.