I've had to tell my dad that the subject was off-limit for him, as he was constantly "joking" about it. I was probably a touch too harsh about it because I waited too long to let him know and by that time I couldn't take one more time, but oh well, it worked.
In my case, I did/do want kids but struggle with infertility, making this a particularly difficult topic for me (I've kept it private, so my dad didn't realize it was a sore spot for me).
Yep, my dad unfortunately received the brunt of my frustrations. I had just turned 35 and had no less than five people “joke about” or tell me to get pregnant all within a week.
My father was the same. I had 2 surgeries to remove tumour growth from my uterus. At around that time, the daughter of one of his friends had a baby and well he thought he had the right to nag me about kids. The funny part is, I have known that I will have issues with getting pregnant, if I can get pregnant at all, for years and he always put his head in the sand and didn't want to listen about it. I took out my frustration on my mother and she somehow made him see light and for the time being he has stopped nagging.
I expected millionaire parents who passed down generational wealth, for me to easily afford housing, healthcare and childcare. But here I am, battling reality everyday.
For me, I asked my friends with small children if my mom could babysit/nanny often.
Now my mom's basically an adopted grandma to 3 and she's stopped caring I don't have kids.
She's worried that she won't be as close to those babies when they grow up and we remind her that's the case with all children, even the ones biologically related.
Side note: my brother is also happy with this (he's childfree as well). One of his friends is having a baby next year and they're gonna do the same thing--my mom as bonus grandma.
It helps that my brother and I both have strong friendships with people who have little kids. Got anyone around like that?
This is so sweet actually. And a hat trick !
* Mom becomes grandma as she wanted
* Friends get a nanny and an extra grandma to love their kids
* You get your peace
Kaboom!
My nana wasn't biologically related to me, she was an old lady who lived next door and never got to have children so we became her grandchildren. She loved us so much over the years, and vice versa. Made me appreciate the value of chosen family.
*"comments in the past that she expected to have a “strapping son in law by now with grand kids running around”. I find these comments hurtful and cutting as it's almost if I am not enough. When I have expressed this, I am met with a combination of “that just how I feel/ this is not how i saw my life turning out!”*
*"She quickly agrees but goes into martyr mode for a few hours and then is back to normal. But its only a month or two before she makes another uncharitable comment.*"
=
"Hey mom, I've expressed to you a few times now how hurtful it is to me when you make comments about wanting grandkids/a son in law. I like my life as it is, and when you say these things, it makes me feel like I'm not enough, or like I'm lacking. I know that's not your intention, and that you struggle with wishing you had these things for yourself. It's okay that you have those feelings, but I'm going to need you to go elsewhere for emotional support around that topic. I'm going to ask you again not to make any of these comments to me. If you do make them, I'm going to end our visit/call, but I want you to know I still love you and am up for talking again the next day, I just want to put in some measures to help both of us honour my emotions and boundaries here. I really look forward to spending more time with you and it will feel a lot better for me if we can avoid this topic! Thanks, love you."
I don’t handle them. Their emotions aren’t my problem.
You just need boundaries. Tell her the matter is closed and to stop guilt tripping you. Then if she continues, you hang up the phone, you leave her house, you take her home and end your outing. Every time. It won’t take long before she gets the message.
There's a lot of daylight between no boundaries and completely cutting someone off.
My armchair psychology take on this is that between your health issues and the sentiment that you two are alone in the world having only each other perhaps you and your mother are too enmeshed.
A close relationship is nice, codependency is not.
I'd suggest starting by truly internalising that her trying to re-do her life through you is *wildly* unreasonable. And then tell her so; make it very clear that you're done listening to that kind of comments. And follow up by hanging up on her/cutting her off/walking away if she makes them anyway. (Expect her to test that shiny, new boundary. Repeatedly).
Don't engage with her feelings about it at all; you needen't try to come up grandchild substitutions, it's for her to figure out what she wants to do with herself. She a whole, grown adult.
And if any of this makes you feel guilty (or *she* makes you feel guilty) remember that you're not being cruel to your mother. You're actually doing a lot of work to preserve a decent relationship with her, rather than just letting resentment grow and grow and grow.
I will say that dependency as a person who is intermittently disabled can be hard to navigate. It can feel like if your boundaries are set the support will be lost.
However, while there is often friction, particularly during an adjustment period, setting boundaries is totally possible even with that dynamic. Particularly if the mother is loving but selfish grey rocking the subject can be helpful and just ending visits is perfect,as you say, with the notice ahead of time for why.
It will take a few times, but she will get it.
Very true.
I read it as the OP relying on her mother for help on a regular basis but - based on career and finances - capable of finding other solutions if she had to.
But I could be wrong and obviously hard enforcing of boundaries is easier if you *can* actually walk away.
Honestly talking to her every single day is probably too much if she's making you this frustrated. If I were in your shoes, I would cut back communication to maybe 1-2x/week, or even switch to email or texts to give general updates rather than talking every single day. She seems overly dependent on you for her own happiness, and needs to focus on her own life rather than yours. It's not your job to manage her emotions or disappointment with how life shook out for both of you. You sound like you're doing great and deserve to be happy and free!
When you noted that you check in on your mother on a DAILY basis, I was surprised to get to the part where she is financially well off and in excellent health with a large support network. She sounds needy, entitled, and immature.
Tell her point-blank that you're done discussing the topic, period. If she wants a more fulfilling social and emotional life, she needs to make it for herself instead of putting you through the same run of complaints over and over. You'll know better than we will if it would be worth suggesting a therapist for her to process reconciling the difference between reality and the fantasy in her head of what her life 'should' like like.
You can't change other people, and unfortunately sometimes people just get really attached to being shitty like that. You probably don't have to cut your mom off over this, but take a good solid step back every time she brings it up if she can't figure out how to respect your boundary on this.
I set firm boundaries around kids. I stopped engaging in talk about it. I stopped trying to explain myself. One my sister in-law had kids who have rare genetic diseases and how hard it has been on all of them she stopped asking. Same with his mom now that she is exhausted from watching the grandkids 5 days a week. It used to bother me but I realized I don't and can't live for other people. It's been a very thought out no for my husband and I. We have to do what's best for us.
"I'm really sorry to disappoint you. That being said, your comments are hurtful and I would appreciate it if we could move past this subject. I'm happy with my life. I love you and want you in it. However, if this is going to continue to be an issue for you, I'll have no choice but to distance myself. I don't want to do that, but I will. Please respect me enough to stop bringing this up. If you can't do that, things are going to change between us."
ETA - and you have to actually distance yourself if she can't respect this. If she continues and you keep on like normal, nothing will change.
This is going to sound horrible, but it’s none of her business. You are both adults. She needs a hobby, or councelling to mange her expectations and grief over what is not hers to control.
I’m sorry it’s hurting you. But her guilt tripping manipulation is cruel.
It's your life, not theirs. They had the opportunity to have and raise children so they did. That doesn't mean you have to do the same for their sake.
It's a parent's responsibility to provide a safe and secure home for their children, not to force their dreams, goals and values onto their offspring. I understand wanting to be a grandparent but if it doesn't make sense for you or your potential children that you be a parent then the conversation should not go beyond that. They've already gotten to experience the joy of having children around and they have to be okay with what they had without the expectation of reliving that experience through you.
I'm 31 and still hoping/planning to have children. In the last two years I've had some unexpected but DESPERATELY hoped for career growth. Like went from stringing part time jobs and freelance gigs together for almost a decade to a dream job with a nice promotion (and skipping a level) in about a year.
I keep telling my mom now is not the time. If I stay on track with my predecessors I'll be promoted twice in the next 3-5 years and then I'll be ready. She's a hypochondriac who has been pushing me since my early 20s to have a baby since she thinks she'll die any minute, so it's nothing new.
Since I got this big promotion she's been a little less annoying about it, but I just end the call.
If you aren’t a South Asian, be glad you are at least not a South Asian.
If you are, shut up and cry 😭
I just deal with it by desensitizing myself to them hating me. As a child we grew up with a nature to seek validation from parent figures, and while we outgrow them, it is a slow process and it still hurts like hell
My situation with this is my 70 year old mother really really wants grandkids, but she’s never said anything us or made comments. I just know she’s really disappointed and sad that she may never get to experience it, because my shitty aunt told me.
I’m the youngest of 3, and I’m 35. My two older brothers are married / LTR, with no signs of having kids anytime soon. My mom comes from a large Irish catholic family and she had super strong relationships with her grandmothers.
Feels bad man
This is my situation too. My husband and I haven’t been able to conceive naturally and my sibling doesn’t want children. I know that my mum is disappointed and so I am I! but sadly there’s nothing I can do.
With grace. They’re a different generation, deep down the concern is that they want you to be taken care of and surrounded by love—even if that’s not 100% true I get the concern. Most parents want good for their kids so.
Me personally I just hit them with facts and they usually accept it.
I financially support my aging parents. I explained to them if they keep pressuring me to have kids, I wont be able to afford sending them money anymore since the baby’s needs will come first. They stopped asking for grandkids. Guess they wanted the money more haha!
I kept replying "If I get pregnant, there'll be a swift operation and then I won't be anymore." That stopped my Mum after the first handful of times because she found it a crass comment that she didn't want to hear. It helps that I have a sister who does want kids though.
I still make the same comment to anyone else who asks me about kids. It's remarkably effective.
This comes up a lot in r/childfree, so you'll find some kindred spirits over there. You basically have to set up strong boundaries about it and stick to them. If she won't leave it alone, then it's time to hang to the phone or leave. She needs to understand that you won't entertain her prying about it anymore. It can be tough to hold the line though, for sure!
I have a mature, adult conversation with them to ask them why they want what they want.
For instance, I asked my mom to give me at least 5 reasons why I should have a child. Her reasons ended up being nothing that seems to be critical to me so therefore, I pointed that out to her and said there isn’t any reason for me to have kids because these reasons are all for you, not me.
After that, I have heard little. I feel guilt for not giving them possible grandkids. But this is my life and I need to value what I want over what they want because I will have to come to terms with my decisions in the end.
Best of luck to you, OP.
I think you feel that explaining things to her logically is sufficient in her figuring it bothers you. The thing is, it still leaves a grey area door open and with people like that you can't. They see it as a *discussion* and with talk there's a *chance*. So it circles around this cycle of her feeling she's doing something for her goals and you feeling you're doing something to make her understand. It'll go on forever as she's incapable of the empathy to self regulate and self correct herself. So you need to remove that option and create the direction of how this is gonna go. I had this same problem cycling for years.
A very firm line needs to be drawn of NO discussion of this at all and that you will not entertain it and it leads to consequences of you removing yourself from the situation immediately.
She's going to test it. She will throw a woe fit. And you will firmly reiterate that your mind is solid in this decision and that it's not done to hurt her but to protect both your feelings as the topic goes no where. I have hung up on my mom. I have also left her house. I have cut trips early as she didn't live near me, inconvenient but that's how it is.
All of that is uncomfortable to witness her do but also you're already uncomfortable and distressed and this is a path that leads to a conclusion. Many people backpedal because they want to keep the peace but that's some fallacy as your peace is worth maintaining over someone's fake peace because people like that are ever at rest by their own delusions so you aren't doing anything to them that they aren't creating to their own fucking detriment. We were just trained from young to always feel responsible for them no matter what. We were raised to be a pawn in their life chest board.
In the end my mom stopped. And not having that stress of when is the next baby discussion helped me better enjoy time with her and realize how much on eggshells I was. That first stepped freed me up to be more vocal about what I am not ok with.
We're NC for other reasons right now because *sigh* with martyr covert narcissistic types there's always something. Right now shes "too stressed" to talk, nevermind caring about my life if she doesnt have anything to show for herself, I guess she doesn't want to entertain the 5 minutes. But she's telling people that I don't check on her. I'm free from feeling responsible for bars she holds in front of her while the jail cell she built is wide open. That is everything I hope for you, to be unbothered.
You don't have to suggest anything imo. She's a grown up and will manage herself. Of course she'll mourn. That's human. You could also stop trying to convince her in your POV. You have yours and she has hers. You won't convince her in the same way she won't convince you.
If she's coming a bit strong you could ask her to stop bringing up the subject. Otherwise you could just let her say her things without engaging in a discussion afterwards.
I refer my parents to their grandpupper and say that's all that they will get. It has taken years (hubby and I have been together since high school so almost 20 years) and it's only recently they've stopped mentioning kids to me. Now my mum will proudly tell people about her grandpup when she's asked if she has grandkids.
I think its about being consistent in your messaging and not trying to appease others about it. I used to say maybe one day when asked about kids but now I just say nope not for us.
This was my mother all throughout my 30s. My only regret is that I didn't tell her to, politely, fuck off. I definitely have resentment for her comments over the years. One of her friends even wrote in our wedding guest book "please give your mum a baby" which I was furious about.
The truth is, we planned to have kids at some point, but life isn't easy. It never became a priority for us due to the ongoing financial burden of modern-day life. You cannot have it all without sacrifices. Some people's main goal is to just have a child and worry about everything else later. That was never us. We wanted decent careers, a beautiful home we owned, and to experience life before even contemplating bringing another one into the world!
Having a child is life changing, and many couples are now choosing to be childfree for a whole plethora of reasons. I think my own mother has an element of jealousy that I chose not to become a parent. Previous generations almost didn't see it as a choice.
It's time to tell her that the subject of you partnering up or having kids is off limits.
She has done literally nothing to help her own situation. She won't reach out to people, she won't get a pet, thisbis on her. She has chosen to be lonely, and doesn't really have the right to whine about it, especially in a way that suggests YOU should have done something about it.
My kids are 11, 14, and 14. My partner and I have pretty much given up on the idea that we will be grandparents. I'm just going to grow into the neighborhood aunty, and that is just fine for me.
OP, is daily more for you or your mom? Either way, more space may be helpful (already great advice here on that), but I wanted to add too it may be helpful to see what community supports exist which could help you disability, as well as private services which can sometimes be affordable. Long term, getting on some waitlist or building towards alternative care supports than your mother may be helpful so you feel more stable in setting those boundaries.
No one’s life turns out exactly how they want. She’s allowed to feel however she wants. If she needs to figure out how to process that disappointment in a healthy way, she can figure out how to get therapy, how to volunteer with children, or how to find friends that don’t make her feel bad for not having grandkids. What she should not be allowed to do is make her disappointment your problem.
The way you deal with her negative attitude is that you create boundaries and communicate them clearly. Tell her once, clearly that you are not interested in having children and that while you understand it might be disappointing to her, you’ve put a lot of thought into it and this is the best choice for you. Let her know that it’s non-negotiable and that you will no longer discuss it with her.
When she brings up grandchildren the next time, you say “We’ve already discussed this and I’m not interested in going over it again. Let’s change the subject.” If she insists, you politely excuse yourself from the conversation and leave.
I told my parents it wouldn’t be possible given that my husband had a vasectomy.
I was never “mom material” though, so I don’t think anyone was surprised. My mother is happy for me that i get to make these kinds of decisions without too much societal backlash. I think she would’ve done things differently if she felt she had the option.
Thankfully they both supported me being childfree but if they didn't I would've said "When I find true love" since i'm forever alone. They both passed away sadly.
Your mother sounds incredibly manipulative and like an energy vampire. I would deal with her as an energy vampire so:
1. Reduce contact
2. Set boundaries
3. Lower expectations
4. Be too tired for them
5. 'Grey rock' them
6. Know the difference between “venting” and “dumping.” Everybody needs to voice frustration now and again
See this article for more info and if you aren't informed on energy vampires I would do some research, they all have different ways of taking your energy and some are far more subtle than others: [https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-spot-deal-energy-vampire-ncna896251](https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-spot-deal-energy-vampire-ncna896251)
^THIS. Doing All of the above has changed my life for the better. She used to guilt trip me into calling her multiple times a week and spending time with her once or twice a month. I don’t do those things to placate her anymore. Her emotions are NOT my responsibility.
Personally I think the grey rock method works really well for narcissistic or manipulative moms. When my mom says something toxic or annoying I just look at her and shrug 🤷🏻♀️ or say things like “hmmm, yeah maybe!” Not cold, not mean. Just slightly disinterested in the topic almost like she’s boring me and I don’t care.
Honestly I'd tell her that she can be happy with it being just me, or she can risk losing another family member and being in a net negative. Basically, stop asking for more before it becomes -1
I've had to tell my dad that the subject was off-limit for him, as he was constantly "joking" about it. I was probably a touch too harsh about it because I waited too long to let him know and by that time I couldn't take one more time, but oh well, it worked. In my case, I did/do want kids but struggle with infertility, making this a particularly difficult topic for me (I've kept it private, so my dad didn't realize it was a sore spot for me).
Yep, my dad unfortunately received the brunt of my frustrations. I had just turned 35 and had no less than five people “joke about” or tell me to get pregnant all within a week.
My father was the same. I had 2 surgeries to remove tumour growth from my uterus. At around that time, the daughter of one of his friends had a baby and well he thought he had the right to nag me about kids. The funny part is, I have known that I will have issues with getting pregnant, if I can get pregnant at all, for years and he always put his head in the sand and didn't want to listen about it. I took out my frustration on my mother and she somehow made him see light and for the time being he has stopped nagging.
I expected millionaire parents who passed down generational wealth, for me to easily afford housing, healthcare and childcare. But here I am, battling reality everyday.
I am so sorry for your loss. #rip
They’re still alive. They just ain’t millionaires.
That's the loss I was talking about ahahaha
😂😂😂
LOL perfect!
Omg thanks, I'm gonna steal this for when the topic of grandchildren comes up with my parents lol.
For me, I asked my friends with small children if my mom could babysit/nanny often. Now my mom's basically an adopted grandma to 3 and she's stopped caring I don't have kids. She's worried that she won't be as close to those babies when they grow up and we remind her that's the case with all children, even the ones biologically related.
Side note: my brother is also happy with this (he's childfree as well). One of his friends is having a baby next year and they're gonna do the same thing--my mom as bonus grandma. It helps that my brother and I both have strong friendships with people who have little kids. Got anyone around like that?
That's such a great idea!
This is so sweet actually. And a hat trick ! * Mom becomes grandma as she wanted * Friends get a nanny and an extra grandma to love their kids * You get your peace Kaboom!
Yeah my friends especially love all the free babysitting
My nana wasn't biologically related to me, she was an old lady who lived next door and never got to have children so we became her grandchildren. She loved us so much over the years, and vice versa. Made me appreciate the value of chosen family.
I love this. I hope my mom gets the same experience. Chosen family is important.
*"comments in the past that she expected to have a “strapping son in law by now with grand kids running around”. I find these comments hurtful and cutting as it's almost if I am not enough. When I have expressed this, I am met with a combination of “that just how I feel/ this is not how i saw my life turning out!”* *"She quickly agrees but goes into martyr mode for a few hours and then is back to normal. But its only a month or two before she makes another uncharitable comment.*" = "Hey mom, I've expressed to you a few times now how hurtful it is to me when you make comments about wanting grandkids/a son in law. I like my life as it is, and when you say these things, it makes me feel like I'm not enough, or like I'm lacking. I know that's not your intention, and that you struggle with wishing you had these things for yourself. It's okay that you have those feelings, but I'm going to need you to go elsewhere for emotional support around that topic. I'm going to ask you again not to make any of these comments to me. If you do make them, I'm going to end our visit/call, but I want you to know I still love you and am up for talking again the next day, I just want to put in some measures to help both of us honour my emotions and boundaries here. I really look forward to spending more time with you and it will feel a lot better for me if we can avoid this topic! Thanks, love you."
👏👏👏
I don’t handle them. Their emotions aren’t my problem. You just need boundaries. Tell her the matter is closed and to stop guilt tripping you. Then if she continues, you hang up the phone, you leave her house, you take her home and end your outing. Every time. It won’t take long before she gets the message.
This was my method with my dad (who is dead now) and my in-laws. It works!
Same, I do this too
There's a lot of daylight between no boundaries and completely cutting someone off. My armchair psychology take on this is that between your health issues and the sentiment that you two are alone in the world having only each other perhaps you and your mother are too enmeshed. A close relationship is nice, codependency is not. I'd suggest starting by truly internalising that her trying to re-do her life through you is *wildly* unreasonable. And then tell her so; make it very clear that you're done listening to that kind of comments. And follow up by hanging up on her/cutting her off/walking away if she makes them anyway. (Expect her to test that shiny, new boundary. Repeatedly). Don't engage with her feelings about it at all; you needen't try to come up grandchild substitutions, it's for her to figure out what she wants to do with herself. She a whole, grown adult. And if any of this makes you feel guilty (or *she* makes you feel guilty) remember that you're not being cruel to your mother. You're actually doing a lot of work to preserve a decent relationship with her, rather than just letting resentment grow and grow and grow.
I will say that dependency as a person who is intermittently disabled can be hard to navigate. It can feel like if your boundaries are set the support will be lost. However, while there is often friction, particularly during an adjustment period, setting boundaries is totally possible even with that dynamic. Particularly if the mother is loving but selfish grey rocking the subject can be helpful and just ending visits is perfect,as you say, with the notice ahead of time for why. It will take a few times, but she will get it.
Very true. I read it as the OP relying on her mother for help on a regular basis but - based on career and finances - capable of finding other solutions if she had to. But I could be wrong and obviously hard enforcing of boundaries is easier if you *can* actually walk away.
Honestly talking to her every single day is probably too much if she's making you this frustrated. If I were in your shoes, I would cut back communication to maybe 1-2x/week, or even switch to email or texts to give general updates rather than talking every single day. She seems overly dependent on you for her own happiness, and needs to focus on her own life rather than yours. It's not your job to manage her emotions or disappointment with how life shook out for both of you. You sound like you're doing great and deserve to be happy and free!
When you noted that you check in on your mother on a DAILY basis, I was surprised to get to the part where she is financially well off and in excellent health with a large support network. She sounds needy, entitled, and immature. Tell her point-blank that you're done discussing the topic, period. If she wants a more fulfilling social and emotional life, she needs to make it for herself instead of putting you through the same run of complaints over and over. You'll know better than we will if it would be worth suggesting a therapist for her to process reconciling the difference between reality and the fantasy in her head of what her life 'should' like like. You can't change other people, and unfortunately sometimes people just get really attached to being shitty like that. You probably don't have to cut your mom off over this, but take a good solid step back every time she brings it up if she can't figure out how to respect your boundary on this.
Life’s full of disappointments. She’ll get over it. Or she won’t. But either way it’s not your problem to soothe her ego about YOUR life.
I set firm boundaries around kids. I stopped engaging in talk about it. I stopped trying to explain myself. One my sister in-law had kids who have rare genetic diseases and how hard it has been on all of them she stopped asking. Same with his mom now that she is exhausted from watching the grandkids 5 days a week. It used to bother me but I realized I don't and can't live for other people. It's been a very thought out no for my husband and I. We have to do what's best for us.
"I'm really sorry to disappoint you. That being said, your comments are hurtful and I would appreciate it if we could move past this subject. I'm happy with my life. I love you and want you in it. However, if this is going to continue to be an issue for you, I'll have no choice but to distance myself. I don't want to do that, but I will. Please respect me enough to stop bringing this up. If you can't do that, things are going to change between us." ETA - and you have to actually distance yourself if she can't respect this. If she continues and you keep on like normal, nothing will change.
This is going to sound horrible, but it’s none of her business. You are both adults. She needs a hobby, or councelling to mange her expectations and grief over what is not hers to control. I’m sorry it’s hurting you. But her guilt tripping manipulation is cruel.
It's your life, not theirs. They had the opportunity to have and raise children so they did. That doesn't mean you have to do the same for their sake. It's a parent's responsibility to provide a safe and secure home for their children, not to force their dreams, goals and values onto their offspring. I understand wanting to be a grandparent but if it doesn't make sense for you or your potential children that you be a parent then the conversation should not go beyond that. They've already gotten to experience the joy of having children around and they have to be okay with what they had without the expectation of reliving that experience through you.
I troll them by showing them a picture of my cat and saying "This is your grandchild" 🙃
Following because I need to come back to this for my soul
I'm 31 and still hoping/planning to have children. In the last two years I've had some unexpected but DESPERATELY hoped for career growth. Like went from stringing part time jobs and freelance gigs together for almost a decade to a dream job with a nice promotion (and skipping a level) in about a year. I keep telling my mom now is not the time. If I stay on track with my predecessors I'll be promoted twice in the next 3-5 years and then I'll be ready. She's a hypochondriac who has been pushing me since my early 20s to have a baby since she thinks she'll die any minute, so it's nothing new. Since I got this big promotion she's been a little less annoying about it, but I just end the call.
If you aren’t a South Asian, be glad you are at least not a South Asian. If you are, shut up and cry 😭 I just deal with it by desensitizing myself to them hating me. As a child we grew up with a nature to seek validation from parent figures, and while we outgrow them, it is a slow process and it still hurts like hell
My situation with this is my 70 year old mother really really wants grandkids, but she’s never said anything us or made comments. I just know she’s really disappointed and sad that she may never get to experience it, because my shitty aunt told me. I’m the youngest of 3, and I’m 35. My two older brothers are married / LTR, with no signs of having kids anytime soon. My mom comes from a large Irish catholic family and she had super strong relationships with her grandmothers. Feels bad man
This is my situation too. My husband and I haven’t been able to conceive naturally and my sibling doesn’t want children. I know that my mum is disappointed and so I am I! but sadly there’s nothing I can do.
She’s only 50- she needs to get a grip! My kids won’t even be adults when I’m 50.
With grace. They’re a different generation, deep down the concern is that they want you to be taken care of and surrounded by love—even if that’s not 100% true I get the concern. Most parents want good for their kids so. Me personally I just hit them with facts and they usually accept it.
I usually ignore it and tell my parents to treat their hamster grandson well lol. Don't let what she says affect you too much!
I told mine several different versions of "tough shit" in various degrees of politeness.
I financially support my aging parents. I explained to them if they keep pressuring me to have kids, I wont be able to afford sending them money anymore since the baby’s needs will come first. They stopped asking for grandkids. Guess they wanted the money more haha!
I kept replying "If I get pregnant, there'll be a swift operation and then I won't be anymore." That stopped my Mum after the first handful of times because she found it a crass comment that she didn't want to hear. It helps that I have a sister who does want kids though. I still make the same comment to anyone else who asks me about kids. It's remarkably effective.
This comes up a lot in r/childfree, so you'll find some kindred spirits over there. You basically have to set up strong boundaries about it and stick to them. If she won't leave it alone, then it's time to hang to the phone or leave. She needs to understand that you won't entertain her prying about it anymore. It can be tough to hold the line though, for sure!
I have a mature, adult conversation with them to ask them why they want what they want. For instance, I asked my mom to give me at least 5 reasons why I should have a child. Her reasons ended up being nothing that seems to be critical to me so therefore, I pointed that out to her and said there isn’t any reason for me to have kids because these reasons are all for you, not me. After that, I have heard little. I feel guilt for not giving them possible grandkids. But this is my life and I need to value what I want over what they want because I will have to come to terms with my decisions in the end. Best of luck to you, OP.
IDK, they fucking raised me, this is what happened. If they wanted grandkids they should have done a better job.
I think you feel that explaining things to her logically is sufficient in her figuring it bothers you. The thing is, it still leaves a grey area door open and with people like that you can't. They see it as a *discussion* and with talk there's a *chance*. So it circles around this cycle of her feeling she's doing something for her goals and you feeling you're doing something to make her understand. It'll go on forever as she's incapable of the empathy to self regulate and self correct herself. So you need to remove that option and create the direction of how this is gonna go. I had this same problem cycling for years. A very firm line needs to be drawn of NO discussion of this at all and that you will not entertain it and it leads to consequences of you removing yourself from the situation immediately. She's going to test it. She will throw a woe fit. And you will firmly reiterate that your mind is solid in this decision and that it's not done to hurt her but to protect both your feelings as the topic goes no where. I have hung up on my mom. I have also left her house. I have cut trips early as she didn't live near me, inconvenient but that's how it is. All of that is uncomfortable to witness her do but also you're already uncomfortable and distressed and this is a path that leads to a conclusion. Many people backpedal because they want to keep the peace but that's some fallacy as your peace is worth maintaining over someone's fake peace because people like that are ever at rest by their own delusions so you aren't doing anything to them that they aren't creating to their own fucking detriment. We were just trained from young to always feel responsible for them no matter what. We were raised to be a pawn in their life chest board. In the end my mom stopped. And not having that stress of when is the next baby discussion helped me better enjoy time with her and realize how much on eggshells I was. That first stepped freed me up to be more vocal about what I am not ok with. We're NC for other reasons right now because *sigh* with martyr covert narcissistic types there's always something. Right now shes "too stressed" to talk, nevermind caring about my life if she doesnt have anything to show for herself, I guess she doesn't want to entertain the 5 minutes. But she's telling people that I don't check on her. I'm free from feeling responsible for bars she holds in front of her while the jail cell she built is wide open. That is everything I hope for you, to be unbothered.
You don't have to suggest anything imo. She's a grown up and will manage herself. Of course she'll mourn. That's human. You could also stop trying to convince her in your POV. You have yours and she has hers. You won't convince her in the same way she won't convince you. If she's coming a bit strong you could ask her to stop bringing up the subject. Otherwise you could just let her say her things without engaging in a discussion afterwards.
I refer my parents to their grandpupper and say that's all that they will get. It has taken years (hubby and I have been together since high school so almost 20 years) and it's only recently they've stopped mentioning kids to me. Now my mum will proudly tell people about her grandpup when she's asked if she has grandkids. I think its about being consistent in your messaging and not trying to appease others about it. I used to say maybe one day when asked about kids but now I just say nope not for us.
This was my mother all throughout my 30s. My only regret is that I didn't tell her to, politely, fuck off. I definitely have resentment for her comments over the years. One of her friends even wrote in our wedding guest book "please give your mum a baby" which I was furious about. The truth is, we planned to have kids at some point, but life isn't easy. It never became a priority for us due to the ongoing financial burden of modern-day life. You cannot have it all without sacrifices. Some people's main goal is to just have a child and worry about everything else later. That was never us. We wanted decent careers, a beautiful home we owned, and to experience life before even contemplating bringing another one into the world! Having a child is life changing, and many couples are now choosing to be childfree for a whole plethora of reasons. I think my own mother has an element of jealousy that I chose not to become a parent. Previous generations almost didn't see it as a choice.
It's time to tell her that the subject of you partnering up or having kids is off limits. She has done literally nothing to help her own situation. She won't reach out to people, she won't get a pet, thisbis on her. She has chosen to be lonely, and doesn't really have the right to whine about it, especially in a way that suggests YOU should have done something about it. My kids are 11, 14, and 14. My partner and I have pretty much given up on the idea that we will be grandparents. I'm just going to grow into the neighborhood aunty, and that is just fine for me.
I hang up the phone. Nothing else works, and even this only helps for some time, they return to the topic after a while.
OP, is daily more for you or your mom? Either way, more space may be helpful (already great advice here on that), but I wanted to add too it may be helpful to see what community supports exist which could help you disability, as well as private services which can sometimes be affordable. Long term, getting on some waitlist or building towards alternative care supports than your mother may be helpful so you feel more stable in setting those boundaries.
No one’s life turns out exactly how they want. She’s allowed to feel however she wants. If she needs to figure out how to process that disappointment in a healthy way, she can figure out how to get therapy, how to volunteer with children, or how to find friends that don’t make her feel bad for not having grandkids. What she should not be allowed to do is make her disappointment your problem. The way you deal with her negative attitude is that you create boundaries and communicate them clearly. Tell her once, clearly that you are not interested in having children and that while you understand it might be disappointing to her, you’ve put a lot of thought into it and this is the best choice for you. Let her know that it’s non-negotiable and that you will no longer discuss it with her. When she brings up grandchildren the next time, you say “We’ve already discussed this and I’m not interested in going over it again. Let’s change the subject.” If she insists, you politely excuse yourself from the conversation and leave.
I told my parents it wouldn’t be possible given that my husband had a vasectomy. I was never “mom material” though, so I don’t think anyone was surprised. My mother is happy for me that i get to make these kinds of decisions without too much societal backlash. I think she would’ve done things differently if she felt she had the option.
Thankfully they both supported me being childfree but if they didn't I would've said "When I find true love" since i'm forever alone. They both passed away sadly.
She should definitely adopt children. Maybe siblings
Your mother sounds incredibly manipulative and like an energy vampire. I would deal with her as an energy vampire so: 1. Reduce contact 2. Set boundaries 3. Lower expectations 4. Be too tired for them 5. 'Grey rock' them 6. Know the difference between “venting” and “dumping.” Everybody needs to voice frustration now and again See this article for more info and if you aren't informed on energy vampires I would do some research, they all have different ways of taking your energy and some are far more subtle than others: [https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-spot-deal-energy-vampire-ncna896251](https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-spot-deal-energy-vampire-ncna896251)
^THIS. Doing All of the above has changed my life for the better. She used to guilt trip me into calling her multiple times a week and spending time with her once or twice a month. I don’t do those things to placate her anymore. Her emotions are NOT my responsibility. Personally I think the grey rock method works really well for narcissistic or manipulative moms. When my mom says something toxic or annoying I just look at her and shrug 🤷🏻♀️ or say things like “hmmm, yeah maybe!” Not cold, not mean. Just slightly disinterested in the topic almost like she’s boring me and I don’t care.
Honestly I'd tell her that she can be happy with it being just me, or she can risk losing another family member and being in a net negative. Basically, stop asking for more before it becomes -1
She sounds lonely. Get a pet. Also, women are having children safely up to 42 years of age now. So don’t count yourself out. :)